Mike Epps: Only One Mike (2019) – Full Transcript

Mike Epps: Only One Mike one-hour special was taped at Constitution Hall in Washington, D.C., and covers Epps’s takes on “the gift (and curse) of raising four daughters, overcoming childhood dyslexia, and the mysterious infinite wisdom of old people.”

♪ Washington D.C. are you ready? ♪
♪ It’s about to be off The Richter scale tonight ♪
♪ Give it up for Mike Epps ♪
♪ Give it up, give it up, give it up ♪
♪ For Mike Epps ♪
♪ Give it up, give it up… ♪

What’s up, D.C.?

♪ For Mike Epps ♪

Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Don’t slow down. What’s up, D.C.? Yeah. You motherfuckers! Where the sexy ladies at? Where the sexy ladies?

♪ If you got some good coochie And you know it, clap your hands ♪
♪ If you got some good coochie And you know it, clap your hands ♪
♪ If you got some good coochie And you know it and you wanna show it ♪

Meet me behind this curtain right here for about five minutes. I seen some guys clapping over there when I said that shit. Yeah, D.C. up in the house! Yeah, y’all got some sexy ladies up in this motherfucker tonight. Yeah, there’s a lot of ladies wearing them bodysuits on and ain’t got no body in here too. You’re looking like a wrestler around here. You see when them big girls get out the car, the whole car get up like… Wham! Fellas, brush your teeth before you suck a girl’s titties. Now, I’m tired of it. You done let a raggedy mouth n i g g a lick your titties. Now your titties stink. You’re at work, don’t know where you smell doo-doo at. It’s your nipple, bitch! Fellas, cut your toenails. You’re trying to be sexy with a bitch and then cut her foot. Fellas, stop putting that Bigen in your hair, like these young girls can’t tell you did. Ain’t y’all tired of these old motherfuckers trying to trick y’all? I went to see Ginuwine. By the time he got to “Pony,” I seen some black shit dripping right here. By the time he got to the end of the concert, he did a 360 and three Adidas stripes right here on his forehead.

♪ My whole life has changed ♪
♪ Since you’ve been in… ♪

Motherfuckin’ hairline done changed too since we’ve been up here. All these sexy ladies. I like coming to D.C., looking at all these beautiful ladies sitting in the audience. Yeah. I go to some cities, it’s hard to look in the fucking audience. ‘Cause all the werewolves buy all the first front-row tickets. Three rows of werewolves right in a fucking row. And they in the front, “Woo!” “Mike Epps!” I’m like, “How’d these ugly ass bitches get front row seats like that?” All the fine bitches in the back, “Mike!” Poorer than a motherfucker, “Mike!” Yeah, I was just in Arkansas. Shit! I don’t know what the fuck. They ain’t drinking water down there. And two of the girls got backstage, they was like, “What you doing after this?” I said, “Going to bed. I’m not fucking neither one of y’all. Security! Two circles is back here bothering me. Two Cheerios with legs and arms, is back here fucking with me right now. A grape and a marshmallow just left.”

Ladies, stop putting them eyelashes on your car. You want a motherfucker to respect you, but your car look like a ho. Your car riding around trying to give that pussy away, just blinking in the hood. N i g g a s be like, “Man, I’ll fuck that car when I get a chance.”

Yeah, women ain’t right. They’ll let you put your whole face in their ass and then say, “You a nasty n i g g a.” You’re like, “Hey!” Now you’re riding home smelling your top lip, mad. You got a booty-hole mustache. Spitting out the window. I ain’t never did that. I seen it on Lifetime. I seen it… Shut up, motherfuckers! I seen it on the Lifetime channel. I ain’t gotta sit there and lie to y’all. Y’all looking at me like, “Oh, you done had your face in an ass or two.”

Yeah, man. Shit. It’s cold outside. It’s cold as a ho’s heart outside. Hell, yeah. I seen Ice-T and Coco. Man, I love Ice-T. I’ve been looking at Ice-T since six in the morning. You know what I’m sayin’? I’m a big fan of Ice-T. I seen him in the airport with his girl. He’s like, “Mike, we need to do a movie together.” I said, “All right.” But in my mind I said, “Man, they only give you two lines on Law & Order.” It’s fucked up how they do Ice-T. They done cut his ponytail and his lines. I seen him on there the other night. He came on there, “Homicide called this morning, said three kids missing.” I said, “Goddamn.” The man said two words on there, and then they cut him off. He leaned over a dead body the other night and said, “Yep, that’s him.” I said, “Oh, man. His ass is out of there.”

Yeah, there’s a lot of old men in here ’cause there’s a bunch of Chryslers outside. They’ve got Chryslers and Polars and Cordobas. Yeah, I can tell I’m getting old ’cause I used to be able to piss from here to that wall right there. Now I pee on everything… toilet seat, floor, leg, foot, hand, wall. You know, the older you get, you get a built-in sprinkler system in your dick. The hole be open, but it come out five ways. That’s why I tell fellas, “You’d better use your penisas much as you can ’cause it’s gonna die before you.” Yeah, man, you keep living if you want to. You gonna be by your motherfucking self. Your dick gonna die, fellas. So if a woman get mad if you ask for some pussy, so fucking what! I’m working on borrowed time down there. Yeah, tell her. Shit. And women tell each other. If your dick don’t work, they’ll tell another woman in the community, and the whole place… Yeah. And you can tell the women that heard about it because they’d be looking at you going like that, “Huh!” And you go, “Hey, that’s the third fucking woman that done said ‘huh’ to me. What the fuck is going on around here? You didn’t say something, Barbara?”

There’s some old women running around and hate on each other, hate on other old men and shit. You be in the gym. You see them old men in the gym trying to still keep it together. Got their little cocoa butter on. I know y’all seen them little old men walking around. Always got a saying. “Life is not a rehearsal.” Get your old ass… I ain’t seen you lift shit. And you know, other women come to the gym and they new, you know what I mean? Here come one of them hater old women. Woman talking about, “Girl, that’s a nice looking old man right there.” And another woman walk up and say, “Girl, you know his dick died two years ago? Yep. I read it in the paper. They said he beat it to death. That’s what they saying. I don’t know. That’s what I’m hearing.”

Yeah, shit. And, ladies, I know y’all… Y’all don’t even understand. Y’all pussy gonna live forever. Long live… Yeah, the pussy gonna live forever. I seen it on 60 Minutes. They said… Yeah, they said your pussy gonna live forever. Long live the pussy! But ain’t no guarantee it’s gonna look the same. Now, ladies, do not fucking panic. When you pull your pants down and see that little man from The Lord of the Rings down there. “Hello, hello, hello. It is I, little precious.” Look down there and see a catcher’s mitt and don’t know what to… You think your pussy gonna look young forever like you? Cut it out. It’s gonna age like you, ladies. I can tell I’m getting old ’cause I was playing ball with some young dudes the other day, and somebody said, “Get Old School.” I said, “Who the fuck you talkin’ to?” They was talking to me. Age is a motherfucker, ain’t it? ‘Cause you be looking in the mirror like, “I look good.” And when you go outside, they go, “You getting older than a motherfucker.” “I don’t know what the fuck I seen this morning. Shit!”

I was playing ball with some young dudes. Man, we were playing and shit. They don’t like playing with older guys ’cause older guys like me, you know what I mean, we don’t play no defense ’til we hit a shot. Soon as we hit, “Get back. Get back. Get your man. Get back.” “Man, get the fuck out of here. That’s your first fucking shot today. You telling a motherfucker to get back? You get your old ass back.” Get back.

Every now and then, I have celebrities come to my show, you know what I mean, support me. You know what I mean, whether I like them or not, but they be in the house. Ladies and gentlemen, give a round of applause… give a round of applause, let’s clap it up. Donald Trump is here tonight, y’all. N i g g a s are like, “What? Where?” There’s some white people in here like, “Oh, God. For real? Serious? He’s here?” I can’t say nothing about his motherfucking ass right now ’cause I know he got somebody in here looking at me. Fuck you, whoever’s in here working for Donald right now. Yeah, well, I won’t be getting my cousin out of prison then. That n i g g a gonna kill me. “Man, what the fuck you saying that shit for, man? I thought you was going to visit me, man!” That motherfucking Kanye West fucked it up. He went to visit the motherfucker. He getting everybody out of jail. You know everybody in prison been calling me, “Man, you gonna go holler at Trump, man, or what?” Man, I can’t go stand with him. It look like I’m standing with the feds.

Yeah, Donald Trump, man. That motherfucker wouldn’t… He won’t even… Y’all think he down there right now. He ain’t even in that house. He don’t live in that house. You know why? ‘Cause there was a brother living in there. And he be damned if he gonna move in behind a brother. “I ain’t moving in there behind him.” They said he called Obama. He said, “I did a walk-through. You left your wave cap in the bathroom. Whose Hot and Flamin’ Cheetos is in the refrigerator? It’s a German Shepherd tied up on the side of the house. Whose Cadillac on bricks is in the backyard?”

Yeah, man. Obama, man. That’s a real motherfucker right there. Hey, man. I miss Obama, man. I miss Obama. He back smoking and everything again. I done see him. I seen him the other night. “Mike, what’s up, man?” ‘Cause that’s how Obama look when he going to cop some weed. He be like this… Michelle be sitting in the car. When he get in the car. Michelle, “Did ya get it?” “Let’s go. Just ride. Just drive, drive, drive. I know the cops are around here. Let’s get it and go. Smell it. It’s good this time. Smell it. Smell it. Let me put it in my nuts.”

Yeah, Donald Trump, he mad, he mad, he mad. You know what I mean? He mad… You know what? I kind of figured it out. He probably got a little dick, you know what I’m saying? That’ll make a man mad as a motherfucker. You walk around here, dick little. You ain’t servicin’ the women right. That’ll make you angry as a motherfucker. Ladies, next time you see a man that’s mad and got a bunch of power, and you’re like, “Why is he so unhappy?” Dick this big. Got little dick issues. Look at Obama, man. Humble, got a beautiful family. I ain’t no homo, but n i g g a’s dick probably hit the ground. Shit hit the ground. And y’all know how humble I’ve been throughout my career. I’ve been humbler than a motherfucker. Yeah, yes, I’ve been humble. And if you think I’m lying, I ain’t gotta lie to you. This all me right here. That’s all me, Goddamn it. I’m thinking a n i g g a playing with… Yeah, shit.

It’s crazy out here, man. Donald Trump, man, he cold. He told the Mexicans, “Build a wall. I’m tired of them coming over here. Build a wall right now.” Mexicans says, “Shit. We’re not building no wall. Shit. No, we’re not building no wall. Gonna build a wall so we can’t come back over here. Shit!” You see they ain’t built it yet. I know they weren’t talking about black people building that motherfucker. That’d have been a 30-year job. I can see brothers now, “You know I’m still down on the wall, right? I’m still down there on the wall, man. I think I’ve been down there, what? Thirteen years now or something like that. And I got my son on. My son working here now. Probably retire after another 20 years, man.” If the white man build the wall, they gonna build it in a year. Why? ‘Cause they had a plan. Yeah. It’s crazy, man.

Shit. All these beautiful ladies out here. I come to D.C., man, to eat your motherfucking fish sandwiches and shit. Y’all got it going on out here. Go-go music, fish sandwiches, Redskins, Wizards. Real pimping in D.C. They got the motherfucking, uh, Ethiopians and shit. If Ethiopians rob someone, they gonna say, “What’d he look like?” They’re gonna say, “I don’t know. His head was big. And his brother work at a car lot. He takes tickets at a parking…” Aw, the Ethiopians is gonna fuck me up now. “You talk shit.” Them Ethiopians get mad if you call ’em something else. – “Somalian?” – “No, Ethiopia.” All y’all motherfuckers got big ass heads. Sixty-five-inch flat-screen forehead. That’s why they always think I’m Ethiopian. N i g g a, look at this motherfucking forehead right here. I got to go like this to make that hairline come down.

How many women in here think they the best woman their man ever had? Keep it real. How many… Yeah, okay. Why? Why? She said, “‘Cause I seen the bitch.” You seen… “I seen that ho. You went backwards, n i g g a.” Women will dog a man out for his past relationships. They’ll tell you in a minute, “I’m the best thing you ever had. Look how people treat you now. You seem more happier, is what everybody is saying.” “Ain’t that a bitch. You gonna take God’s credit, baby?” We didn’t know we was gonna meet y’all ladies. If we knew we was gonna meet you, we’d have told every woman before we met you, “No, I can’t fuck with you. I got a bad bitch waiting on me five years from now. And she gonna kill me for fucking with your ugly ass.” Women don’t like to apologize, do they, fellas? Tell the truth. Hell no! You know how women apologize. “I’m sorry. Let it go. I did it. It’s over. Stop tripping.” It’s like, “No, motherfucker.” That shit ain’t going past that quick. We harping on this. ‘Cause when we do something, they don’t let us forget a motherfucking thing. It be two years later, they on their period… “Wanna go get something to eat?” “Go ask that bitch with the blue sweater on if she wanna…” “You still… That bitch is dead now. That bitch… Are you still talking about this bitch? This bitch is out of here now.”

And fellas, if you in a relationship, and you ain’t got no fucking money, and you live with a woman, you need to walk on fucking egg shells. Don’t be walking around the fucking house doing what you want to do. You might get kicked out. Women be watching that shit. How comfortable your ass is, and you ain’t paid no fucking bills. Eating cereal and toast, twiddling and shit. Better walk around this motherfucker like this… Women be like, “Yeah. Yeah, motherfucker. Check it in.” ‘Cause that’s fucked up when a woman kick you out and you ain’t got nowhere to go. And you just talking shit. “Yeah, fuck this shit. I know what I am to this family. Shit! Talk that motherfucking shit to me. Fuck that shit. I know what I… Have you seen my, uh… My, uh…” I ain’t seen shit, man. They see the kids and try to confide in ’em. “Everything gonna be all right. Everything gonna be good.” The kid is like, “What? I ain’t upset about nothing. What’s…” “I love you. I love you!” Get your ass out of here, man. You fuck around, go to work and come back, this n i g g a asleep on the couch. “I thought you was gone.” “As soon as Earl get off work, I’m outta here.” If you kick a man out the house and you even say one thing remotely about like you care about him, he gonna start moving back in. “How’s your mother doing?” “Oh. She doing pretty good. Yup. You know they had her in the hospital last week? But they said her blood pressure done rose up.” Like, this n i g g a’s moved… Get your ass out of here, man. How you gonna move back in? That’s fucked up when a motherfucker leaves ’cause the kids really don’t like yo ass. Unless some kids don’t like no motherfucking boyfriend. You in there eating a snack, one comes in, “My mother bought them for our lunch. Mama, Melvin here eating our snacks again!” He on the phone with no shirt on, “Man, let me get off the phone, man. Tripping off a cheese and cracker set, man, you know what I mean? I done ate one of his Lunchables and he upset. Soon as I get this settlement, I’m out of there. I ain’t fucking with her or these little kids. I’m the one that taught these little motherfuckers how to pray. They didn’t even know how to pray when I moved in this house. The little girl was flunking. I got all her grades… Uh, here she come. I gotta call you back. Let me call you back.” You’d better get a job, motherfucker.

I got four daughters. I don’t know what the fuck I did, wrong or right. Four daughters. Can you imagine? Oh, Lord. ‘Cause I’ve been running around lying to women and cheating on ’em and shit my whole life. God said, “I got something for you, n i g g a. Yeah.” You know God’s from D.C., he said, “I got something for you, slim. Got something for you, slim.” Four daughters. No more skeeting on bitches’ backs for me, and none of that. Skeet on another bitch’s back. I asked the doctor, “What did I do wrong?” He said, “You got to stop fucking women with dress socks on, Mike.” Walkin’ around butt naked with some dress socks on in the house. Yeah, it’s cool to have daughters, you know, ’cause you get to see your mother in them and shit. You see your mom. You like, “Damn, girl, you remind me of my mama.”

You know what I mean? Get to see beautiful things when you got daughters, you know. But what fuck you up and make you mad is when they start dating. They start bringing little boys in the house. ‘Cause you don’t know what the effect of having a daughter is until she bring a n i g g a in the house. My daughter’s been bringing all little boys in the house that look like me. I want to kill every last one of them. I said, “If you anything like I was, I’m gonna fuck you up.” There’s one. I really want to fuck him up. He be walking around looking at me. “Ha, ha, ha.” “This little fucking tight pants ass little… nut-hugger.” I be looking at him going like this… “Gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang. N i g g a!” One night, I needed some weed. I couldn’t find none. I called everybody. I said, “I’m gonna try something.” He was sitting in there, I said, “Hey, man, you smoke weed?” He said, “No, I don’t smoke no weed.” I knew he was lying. I said, “Okay.” And before I can get out the door, he said, “I know who got it.” I said, “Oh, yeah?” “Yeah, I know who got it. I know who got it.” I said, “Is it good?” He said, “It’s loud.” I said, “Go get it.” Man, I’m sitting there watching this little motherfucker. He walk out the back door and walk right back in the house. I said, “I’m gonna fuck… I’m gonna slap the shit out of him, soon as I see him.” I said, “Hello. Who the fuck you think I am?” He was like, “What, OG? I got that.” I said, “Man, you had it on you.” I said, “Get your ass in here.” ‘Cause I still wanted it. I wasn’t gonna kick his ass out that house. As long as I’ve been looking for this shit, I said, “Get your ass in here, man.” Man, the weed was so good. I’ve been asking my daughter, “Where your little friend at? I kind of like him.” I liked him too much, I got a granddaughter now. That weed got a hold of her.

But I see all you fellas running around, got sons. Yeah, that’s cool. You know what I mean? Y’all be bragging all in my face, teasing us and shit. That’s okay. One day, we gonna get our real love. It’ll be later on in life. ‘Cause all you fellas that got sons, you n i g g a s is going to the nursing home. I’m just putting it out there. ‘Cause I got a daddy. I want to put him in the motherfucker right now. You n i g g a s is going to the nursing home, man. All them football games and shit you done been to with him. He gonna trick you like he’s taking you to get some ice cream. “Butter pecan.” “Come on, Dad. Let’s get in the car.” “Butter pecan, butter pecan.” “Come on, get in the car.” “Aw, yeah. Butter pecan, butter pecan.” Gonna pull right up at that nursing home. “This ain’t butter pecan.” “Get your ass out the car.” “Butter pecan!” “Get out the car.” “Butter pecan!” “I need to live my life, Daddy. Come on. You lived your life. Get in here.”

Yep. I’m gonna live with one of my daughters when I get grown. I’m gonna be living right in her front room. I have a big-ass bed laying right up in her front room. With all my medicines right here. It’s going to be orange right by my bed, on both sides of the goddamn bed. And all her friends will come over. I’m gonna act like I’m sleeping, pull my dick out. All her friends gonna be running past like this… “He’s a nasty ass n i g g a. Get your daddy, girl.”

Yeah, it’s fucked up. You know what I mean. ‘Cause I don’t make all the best decisions in the world. You know, I’m a little special. Can you tell? Yeah! Fuck whoever said, “Yeah.” Don’t say no fucking yeah. Who the fuck said “yeah” over there? Somebody said, “Yeah.” I don’t look fucking special, do I? Even with the suit on? Bitch, with the chain and all that? That’s cold, man. Yeah, I’m a special-ed kid, you know what I mean. When women find out you in special-ed, they don’t want to give you no pussy. If a woman find out that a man can’t read, they’ll say, “Uh-uh. You might shoot a non-reading baby in me. Don’t you shoot no dumb n i g g a up in here.” The baby might not read, bitch, but I shoot money out these nuts. I shoot hundred dollar bills out these special-ed nuts.

Yeah, I’m a special, man. It took me years to come to grips, to be in that, you know what I’m saying? ‘Cause I used to be embarrassed about it. You know, motherfuckers come around, get to using them big-ass words and shit. That’ll make a n i g g a walk away up out of that. You know? In a real conversation, they get to talking and shit. Man, I backs up out of there ’cause I can’t relate to what they talking about.

I’m a special student and I never forget the day they came and got me out of a regular room and put me in there. Yeah, y’all laughing, but that hurt me, that… man. I still is messed up behind this. I’ll never forget the day they came and got me. It was raining. It was on a Wednesday. Look at the guys who’ve been to prison. “That’s when they take you to prison. On a rainy Wednesday.” Yeah, I was sitting in the motherfucking room, man, and the principal, the guidance counselor, and another teacher, they all walked in the room. I was like, “What’s going on here?” And they was scanning the room. They was trying to see who was in the room. They was looking at me and another dude. I told the other dude, “They coming for you.” He said, “Uh-uh, they’re coming for you.” They was walking all in between the motherfucking desks. Ready to come and get me. They said, “You. Come here.” I say, “Oh, man. That’s cold.” They was walking me down the hallway. I had my little lunch bucket, and they said, “Right in this room right here.” And I went in the room. I said, “Where’s the kids?” She said, “This is it.” It was six kids in there. I said, “Man, this is a mistake.” She said, “No, there ain’t no mistake. You was in my folder this morning when I came into work.” I said, “This ain’t right.” I said, “Look at him and look at me.” She said, “He asleep right now.” I told her, “You go fuck yourself and call my mama right now. This is a mistake.”

See, the only way women find out you in them special classes, is if you go on a field trip with him. Don’t go on no field trip with them kids. I never walked with the kids when we went on one. I walked with the teacher. Just in case somebody seen me with ’em… I’m helping her with them. I’m a monitor. I don’t… I’m not in there. There goes this one girl, “No, you in there. ‘Cause you got a paper turkey with your name on it in there…” Remember them paper turkeys? I went in there and snatched that motherfucking paper turkey off the wall so goddamn quick. I said, “This is how these bitches is finding out I’m in this class. Through these activities I’m doing with you.” Y’all sitting up there laughing. I’m telling the fucking truth. My mother going to see this and be like, “He right. He… he… He ain’t lying.” Yeah, it’s a cold world, man. You know what I mean? But we all got to get through the motherfucker any kind of way we can. You know what I mean?

And that’s fucked up, man, you know. Everything that’s going on in the world, man. That’s cold, man. You know, Bill Cosby and shit. Ooh, that was cold. The bitches wait ’til he was a hundred and told on him. That’s the bad part. You know, I don’t condone no man knocking bitches out like Floyd Mayweather with a pill. He was knocking them out, “Bip! Get on the ground, bitch. “Bip! Get on… Boop! Get on the ground. Foop.” That Bill Cosby was funny doing that case, man. Shit. I liked when he was walking to court that time and did a… Remember? I said, “What the fuck was that?” He must’ve thought he was gonna beat that case. He was like, “Ah!” In the beginning of the case, he couldn’t see. You remember that? He was going to court like this… He thought he was gonna beat that motherfucker. That n i g g a was… Soon as they gave him that time, he was back like this again. “I can’t see now. I can’t. Y’all remember? I can’t see.” They said, “Take that stick and tap your way in that room right there. Feel your way in that cell. You ain’t going to see this time, but you gonna feel it.”

Yeah, they did my man Bill Cosby. He in there lifting weights now. One of my partners is in there with him. They said Bill putting about 350 on the rack now. He gonna have a tattoo saying, “Hey, hey, hey.” Yeah, that’s cold, man. They locked Bill Cosby up, man. You know, most of them was white women that did it. You know? All of them was white girls, and I tell brothers all the time, “You fuck a white girl, and you wake up in the morning and she’s crying, you’re going to the penitentiary. Period.” If it’s a black girl, you can give her 1,500. “Don’t ever do that shit again. You could have went down for this. Go ahead and get me some scratch-offs.” Black women will come back 30 days later. “I don’t feel right.” “Hold on. I thought I gave you the money.” “Nope. I don’t feel right. I thought about it, and I feel like I got short-changed. Them white bitches that’s telling on Bill Cosby is getting money.” “Okay. Well, what? How much?” “Another… a… another… You know what you gave me last time. ‘Cause you might have this phone tapped. Give me that same thing… and I forget about everything. You know what it is. Bye.” “I ain’t finna give you shit.”

There’s a lot of sexy women around here, and they eating up all the coochie, fellas. We’d better get a hold of it, before they get it all. Leave some pussy on the plate for us, ladies. Fellas, we’ve gotta step our game up. ‘Cause these women come up on each other and put that soft tongue on each other. Women don’t want a n i g g a licking them no more. “Oh, n i g g a, you rough.” Been smoking Backwoods all day. You gonna put a Backwood tongue on… Back up, man. Got my pussy smelling like a berry Backwood now.”

I was in a club. I seen a bad chick. I walked up talking to her. Here come Cleo from Set It Off. “She already taken, my n i g g a.” I’m like, “Who is this?” I can see her nipples through this leather jacket. Anyway, I took both of them back to the room and fucked both of them. Yeah, knocked both of them down. It was the craziest experience in the world. Fuck a lesbian. Oh, my God! Feel like I robbed a bank or something. Like, “Ooh!” It was crazy. ‘Cause when I was banging the woman that was the regular woman, and I was hitting it, the lesbian was standing over there naked with her titties swinging, smoking weed, saying, “Hit that shit, dog. Beat that pussy up.” I’m like, “You shut up. You throwing me off.”

Old D.C., man. It’s motherfuckin’ D.C. gangster around here, man. Shit. Yeah. See, that’s what I like about D.C. Y’all ain’t got no gangs, you know. That’s what I like about D.C. Don’t fuck with no gangs. I tell kids all the time, “Don’t fucking ever join no association that ain’t got no motherfucking dental plans or none of that to it. Don’t fuck around and join a gang, ain’t no benefits.”

I tried to be in a gang one time, you know. We had a gang called The Mad Dogs. See, y’all from D.C. It’s funny to y’all. “Ha-ha! The Mad Dogs. Young’un, it’s luncheon.” Yeah, we was called The Mad Dogs. We had a dog on the back of our jacket. And we about to fight, we say… And one night, I was at the movie theater. I had this girl with me, and The Cobras… There was another gang called The Cobras. They had little blue jean jackets with snakes on the back of ’em. About 12 of them walked in the movie theater. I said, “Oh, God.” And they chased me. And I called the leader of The Mad Dog gang. His name was Fatso. Rest in peace. I said, “Fatso, The Cobras got me up here.” He said, “Man, I’m watching the kids right now.” I said, “This is some bullshit. Now, I’m sitting up here watching a movie, and some n i g g a’s finna kill me, and you’re watching the kids?” “Yeah, I ain’t doing nothing tonight, Mike. We all laid back tonight.” So he said, “Call Scooter.” Scooter was supposed to be the shooter. I ain’t seen this n i g g a shoot nobody. I called Scooter. He’s telling me, “My car running hot.” I said, “You know what? Fuck y’all, all right? I’m out of this gang. I’m turning the jacket in. This is some bullshit.” He gonna tell me, “Let ’em get you, and we’ll get ’em later.” I said, “No, I don’t work like that.” Gonna fucking let ’em get me and then… No! It don’t fucking work like that. He said, “Where are you now?” I said, “In the movie… Where they show the movie at. Up there with the projector, n i g g a.”

Yeah, it’s real, man, you know. Yeah. But God is good, man, you know. That’s why I don’t like complaining, you know, ’cause… That’s one thing I don’t never do. I don’t never forget that God is around, you know. Don’t ever forget God is good. And God is, you know… God is tired of a lot of people crying to him about bullshit. He is tired, man. He been working with people since the beginning of time, and he’s tired. At the end of the night, the angels take all they wings off, and be just sitting around and… they talk about people that they blessed and stuff, and God coming over to roll, and say, “Man, I’m tired of everything. Can you believe a n i g g a asked me for some rims today?”

God is tired of everybody crying. You know what I’m saying? He gonna tell everybody one day, “Everybody throw your fucking problems on the ground. I’m tired of it.” And when you throw your problems on the ground, he gonna say, “Now pick ’em up.” And when everybody go pick their problems up, your shit gonna be gone. Somebody else gone took your shit and ran. That’ll make you appreciate your problems. You be crying every day about your shit. There’s somebody else fucked up worse than you. You done threw all your problems. You’re looking for your problems. “Where my problems at?” And your buddy says, “Somebody ran off with your shit, and left you theirs.” Now you walking around like this. “Has anybody seen my problems? Man, they left me with this shit.” That’s how somebody with a bad hip spin around. “Tony!” “What’s going on?”

Ladies, would you fuck a man that had a billion dollars like this? Tell the truth. Lying ass… Look, look. They said they will. Look at that. You be talking about, “Girl, that walk is kind of cute that he got.” You know when a n i g g a put Gucci on, it’ll take all that away. “He got the new Gucci on.” That n i g g a like, “Yeah.” I fell in love with a skeezer one time and didn’t know it. Me too! You did too? Is that her you sitting with right there? Shit! He like this, “Me too.” Her breath over there, dicky as a motherfucker. Yeah, I fell in love with a motherfucking skeezer and didn’t know it. I took her to a picnic, and everybody was laughing at me. I was like, “What the fuck is so funny?” N i g g a s was like, “Oh, Mike. Oh.” I was like, “What?” “Nothing, man. Just do your thing. Do your thing, Mike.” I was like, “Something the fuck ain’t right.” I told her, “Come here. I need to talk to you. Is there something I need to know?” She said, “Mike, I wanted to tell you. I know everybody. That’s all I wanted to tell you.” I said, “I’ve gotta go find me an old antibiotic in the house somewhere.” There’s some old tetracycline up in there.

Yeah, I love D.C. This ain’t the strip club city, though. They took me to… What’s it called? Live? Uh… Stadium! Stadium. Yeah. The Stadium. Yeah. They took me to the Stadium. Yeah, that was all right, you know. But they’ve got some strip clubs in D.C. that don’t even need to exist. What’s the name of that other one? They need to throw a bomb up in there and blow that motherfucker clean out. It is hazardous in there. It’s unhealthy. The sanitation ain’t right. They got three shifts of women working in there, all related. Yeah. Daughter, momma and grandmama at this one strip club I go to. The daughter work grave shift. Yeah, eleven ’til seven in the morning. The momma work three ’til eleven. Ain’t playing nothing but Keith Sweat and Baby Bash and shit in there. The grandmama work during the day. Them old strippers work from ten to two. Them motherfuckers be out there… Old Margaret. Ain’t no music on. Price Is Right be on TV. Is this bitch dancing on top of me, talking about “The Guiding Light, sponsored by Charmin, the quicker picker-upper.”? She giving you a dance with People’s Court on. “These cases are real.”

I see why there’s so much crime in y’all city. The police ain’t shit. Not the ones in here. That’s my man and them. Y’all police is n i g g a s, man. Them n i g g a s got dreadlocks and shit. “Yo, shorty. What the fuck wrong with you, shorty? Driving a motherfucking car like that, shorty.” You ain’t a police, man. ‘Cause if the police jump behind motherfucking n i g g a s, they call their mama. “Mama, the police behind me.” “Oh, Lord. Where you at?” “They behind me.” “Oh, my God. It’s time for your prayer, Corey. Remember what the prayer was?” She tell your daddy, “Ray, they got him.” Them black daddies be glad you going to jail. “That’s good enough for his ass. Let him go down there and clear shit up. This is good. He can go down there and get him a trade. Get that n i g g a’s ass out of this house. Sucking up all my heat and food. Let his ass go down there… and clear shit up.” Your mother be, “Oh, don’t say that, Ray. He’s in school.” “That n i g g a ain’t in no school. Shit.” “She’ll believe anything that n i g g a say.” “He’s a good son, Ray.”

The Mexicans get pulled over and ain’t got no license, registration or nothing. They be like this when the police pull up… “Do you have license, registration?” “Yes.” “Did you hear what the fuck I just said?” “Yes.” “Do you understand English?” “Yes.” “Are you fucking with me?” “Yes.” “Do you know you’re going to jail?” “Yes.” “Step out the car.” “No, no, no, no. Ah… no, no, no, no. Ah!

White people get pulled over by the police, they get out and be talking to ’em. “How’s everything going?” What the fuck is this? They out there talking to each other.

There’s a lot of old women in here, man. You know what I mean? I love that. I love to see grandmas and mamas and shit out here in the audience. You know, excuse my language. You know, but y’all did some of the same shit we did. A lot of you, you only know your grandma as who she is now. You didn’t meet her ’til she was 50. You don’t know who the fuck she is. She just turned to God when you was born. Old women ain’t scared of shit. There’d be a rat in the house. They’d be like, “Go on, now.” Did she just tell a rat to “go on, now?” And they don’t be scared of no motherfucking burglars either. There be a burglar come in the house. “Where’s the money at, bitch?” “Who are you supposed to be?”

Them grandmothers know about everything going on, and they ain’t never out their house. You ever noticed that? How in the fuck do old people know about everything? They know about who got shot and everything. “Know that one boy got shot, and they said Tony did it. This is what I heard now.” And they on Instagram. You think they don’t see you posting them naked pictures on Instagram? There’ll be a family gathering and grandmother’ll pull you out. “Come here. I want to talk to you for a minute. What’s this shit I heard, you done showed your puss on a computer?”

I try to support black people, man. You know. I try to support black people as much as I can. You know what I’m saying? It’s not fucking easy. Yeah. It’s hard as a motherfucker supporting black people, you know. I try to support this black dude, one of my partners. He got a haunted house, you know. He’s a street dude. N i g g a done just got out of prison, and he got a haunted house. “Mike, bring your kids to the haunted house.” Oh, what’s this n i g g a doing with a haunted house? In Detroit, too. Ain’t that a bitch? And in the back of the haunted house is a halfway house. Everybody just… Yeah. Everybody that just got out of prison is working as monsters… in the haunted house. When I walk my kids in there, they was like, “Something ain’t right.” And I ain’t never seen monsters as cool as these n i g g a s. Prison n i g g a s in there as monsters. So the first monster come out like this… “Roar! Roar.” I’m like, “What kind of monster n i g g a is this?” He noticed it was me. He was like, “Mike Epp! N i g g a, you know I just came home? I just did 15, right. They got a n i g g a with this monster shit on, you know? It’s all right, though. Know what I mean? N i g g a gotta do what a n i g g a gotta do, Mike. Let me finish scaring y’all. I said, “Move, man. The kids ain’t scared no more. You done showed them your face and told them how much time you did. It’s over.” We walk in the other room. It’s a dude rolling weed. This n i g g a turned around… I said, “N i g g a, it is over. They done see you rolling weed. Ain’t nobody scared.”

He tried to get me to work at the fucking haunted house. True story, man. There was some kids trapped in a fire. This is some real shit I’m talking about. There was some kids trapped in a fire. The fire was so fucking bad that the fire department came and said, “Man, we can’t save the kids.” Hurt my fucking heart. I mean, the whole neighborhood was crying. It’s some real shit. Motherfuckers was on their knees, crying and shit. So the neighborhood… The thugs in the neighborhood was like, “Okay, motherfuckers. Y’all don’t wanna go in there and do your job? If y’all don’t go in there and get them kids, we gonna light y’all’s ass on fire up out here. So the fire department got scared and called the police. Police and the SWAT team came down. They about to fight the whole neighborhood. Man, here come a dude named Shoo-Poo. He walking down the street. He done broke in everybody’s house. You can tell he a crim… He walked around with hospital scrubs on all the time. N i g g a walking round… And seen all the commotion and said, “What’s happening?” They said, “Man, there’s some kids in there and the fire department won’t go in there and get them.” He said, “What?” He said, “Yeah.” He said, “Fuck that. That’s some bullshit.” He took his shoes off. The police said, “You’d better not go in there.” He said, “Fuck you.” They tried to grab him, and he ducked up under them, and went in the house. Whole neighborhood was quiet ’cause they thought he was going in there and he was gonna die. Nine minutes later, came out of house with all three of them kids. Lay them in the grass. Made the police and the fire department look like shit. He said, “Fuck that. There’s some more people in there.” They said, “No, it ain’t.” He said, “Yes, it is.” And he ran in there again, and they said, “Oh, he a fool. Ain’t no more kids in there.” This time, he was going in there to steal some shit. He sees some shit in there when he was getting them kids outta there. He said, “Ain’t going to give me nothing. I better get me something now.”

Yeah, I love D.C., man, but… I know you brothers out here better go to work. Don’t call in. ‘Cause y’all got Mexicans out here now. And every time you call in, Hector call his little brother. “Juan… Tyrone called in again today. He turned up last night too, late. He’s off again. You’re gonna get the job.” See, I thought all Mexicans was just grass cutters, until I moved to L.A. You know, you look at the Mexicans. They always portray them as Dora the Explorer and all that shit. So you’d think they straight run-overs. Man, I move to fucking L.A. I’m in the Home Depot buying some nails, and a motherfucking Mexican just walked up and grabbed… I said, “Hey, man.” He say, “I’m getting…” I say, “These ain’t your…” And he said, “Fuck you.” I said, “Fuck you.” So he left. I was like, “Fuck that motherfucker, man.” About an hour went past. I done pay for my shit. I’m walking out the Home Depot, and I see ten Mexicans. But I didn’t pay no attention. I was like, “Fuck them. They ain’t into nothin’. You know what I mean. Fuck that shit.” I’m pushing the cart, and I see another Mexican. But this ain’t no worker. He done jumped out that motherfucking brand-new Escalade 2019. Got a bald head. Tattoo on his whole face. He about six-three. And he jumped out the motherfucking car, man, and shut the door. I said, “Oh, shit. Who is this?” Had a Raiders jersey. I swear to God he had a Raiders jersey on. He was walking in between the cars like this… I said, “Who in the fuck is this?” He said, “Hey, psst, come here.” I’m like, “Who the fuck… Who are you talk…” That’s what I said to myself. I didn’t say it to him ’cause I was scared than a motherfucker. I know a killer when I see one. This the dude that be on Lockup: Raw and all that. ‘Cause you know everybody think they real until real walk up on ’em. You know, every n i g g a in here be talking about, “I’m gonna motherfuckin’…” ’til the real shit walk up. You’d be thinking about your kids and career and all that. Man, I got kids. You ain’t have no kids when you was in front of your girl telling her, “I’ll tear all them n i g g a s’ ass up.” Man, my heart is beating, and he’s walking towards me, says, “You say something to my little nephew in there?” A whole hour done went past. I done forgot who the fuck his nephew… I said, “Who?” I’m thinking he’s starting. I’m like, “Who’s your nephew?” He said, “Paco, psst, come here.” And the little dude named Paco, he came out of nowhere and said, “Yeah, that’s him right there.” I was like, “Oh, my God.” This n i g g a done went and got some motherfuckers over some nails. They was finna fuck me up. This how I know God is real. And I got favor. He was walking towards me, and his bottom lip was shaking. But one of them stopped all of them and said, “Hey. That’s fucking Day-Day.” I was like, “Yeah! It’s me! I grew my hair out. You ain’t know it was me?” They was like, “Oh, Day-Day. What’s up, bro?” I’m in the parking lot for ten minutes, talking about 15… 30…

♪ Thirty-five… ♪ ♪ Forty… ♪
♪ Forty-five, forty-seven ♪

The Mexicans just stand there dancing like this.

I’m Mike Epps. I love y’all, D.C.


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