Part 1: New Neighborhood
[Michelle] Hi, guys, how are you?
[upbeat music playing]
[audience cheering and clapping]
It’s fine, I don’t really care.
[audience laughs]
I always like being here in Philadelphia.
[audience exclaims]
I love being here in Denver. You guys, you know you have a good town.
[applause]
[chuckling] Always happy to be here in Salt Lake.
[audience clapping]
I love coming to Madison. I always love being back here.
[audience laughs]
This is gonna be fun. We’re gonna have a good time.
[cheers and applause rise and fade out]
I’ve been able to have a very interesting perspective on what’s happening in America recently because I haven’t been living here. Um, I’ve actually been living in Barcelona, which is a very lovely place. Um, it’s a beach city. But it’s also a bit of a gay city. I think that’s why they have the lisp. Uh… “Barthelona.” [chuckles] It’s like, “We get it. You have something in your mouth.” Because it’s a beach city, and it’s a European beach city, a lot of the beaches there are clothing-optional. Which means you end up seeing a lot of penises. Um, and it’s never the best penises, you know? First of all, women never want to see a penis that they don’t want to see. Even the one we do want to see, a lot of times we’re like, “Can you put that away or, like, in something?” “Okay. In me? All right. Fine. ‘Cause…” “As long as the cap’s back on the pen, you know?” Having a penis out at the beach, it’s definitely not a young man’s game. This is an old man’s game. ‘Cause the unwritten rule is that you can have your penis out, but, like, it has to stay floppy. You know, and I imagine that’s just harder for younger guys ’cause there’s, like, boobs and, like, you know, a breeze. But these older guys are quite impressive. They’re there with their hands on their hips, “My penis will stay as soft as the sand I’m standing on.” A lot of them are bigger guys too. They’re a bit older, out-of-shape guys. They’ve got a bit of a belly. I don’t think they’ve seen their penis in a while. I think that’s kind of why they do it, you know, so they can see it reflected in your eyes. Like, “I still got it. Okay, good.” Of course, there’s women there, too, so there’s a lot of boobs out. Anytime I go to the beach, I don’t take off my swimsuit because I’m not trying to get that sunburned. And, uh… But I’ll go with my friend, and she takes off her top and… She recently… She got breast implants, so… and I hadn’t seen them yet, and they were, like, really… they look really good. So I was like, “Oh my gosh, your fake boobs look amazing.” And then she got mad at me ’cause I called them fake boobs. And I was like, “Well, they’re not real.” If your friend got breast implants, would you call them real?
[audience members] No.
Would you? Okay, good. So we’re all a little transphobic.
[audience laughs, then exclaims]
That’s a fun social experiment. You know, if they’re fake on a woman… they’re fake on a woman. Anyway, what I… [chuckles] I know, you all feel like I got you, didn’t you? Well, I did. That’s why. What I’m talking about right now, though, is… I’m describing the regular beach. So in Barcelona, there’s a regular beach, and there’s a gay beach. If you’re one of those people like, “Why can’t the gay beach be the regular beach?” Go to the gay beach. You’ll be like, “That’s not regular.” And, of course, there’s also penises out at the gay beach, but the differences between the penises at the regular beach and the penises at the gay beach are like the difference between a dog parkand a dog show. Like, at the regular beach, they’re like, “We’re all just having a good time!” At the gay beach, they’re like, “Number five,” and he’s like, “Yes, yes.” Of course, you know when I say “gay beach” I mean male gay beach. It’s not a lesbian beach. I wanna go to a lesbian beach. I wanna go to a beach where they’re like, “Volleyball’s at 5:00. Sunscreen’s over there.” “Here’s some boots. The sand’s uneven, we’re working on it.” “We teach CPR on Mondays.” “We do have Taco Tuesdays. It does mean both things.” “You can eat, and then you can eat.” Okay, okay, so… if the regular beach is a dog park, and the gay beach is a dog show, the lesbian beach is a dog rescue. It’s like, “You’re safe here.” And also, they probably literally rescue dogs. I have developed, over the last couple years, a fascination with lesbians. Are there any lesbians here?
[scattered whooping]
How many gay men are here?
[louder scattered whooping]
It’s probably about the same number, but this is why I like lesbians. Gay men, you’re very loud.
[scattered clapping]
Lesbians live in the shadows. Gay men… We always know when gay men are around. You guys aren’t shy at all. Even at the parade, you guys are like above the float, dancing all around. Lesbians are just underneath, making sure stuff works. They’re like, “We’re on the right route. It’s okay, yeah.” Lesbians live in the shadows. You know, lesbians are like bees. If you don’t bother them, they won’t bother you. But also, if they all die, the world ends.
[scattered clapping]
And you do… Like, lesbians do… You scare me a little bit. I’m intimidated by lesbians. Uh, you’re a bit scary. Uh, I think lesbians are so scary that even AIDS was like, “Let’s stick to less terrifying things like needles and butt holes.” [chuckles] And lesbians definitely leave their mark on the world. It’s just sometimes a little more subtle. Like, lesbians wore khakis so hard that now when men wear khakis, they look like lesbians. Like, any time I see Jim Harbaugh on the sideline, I’m like, “Go get ’em, Coach Lesbian.” Like, any of you gay men who are here, were any of you, like, little gay boys?
[distant whooping]
Yeah. You… You know the gay boys I’m talking about. We’ve all seen the little gay boys. Like, the kids at the park that are just like, “I don’t want to play.” He’s, like, over twerking by the slide. His dad’s trying to throw the ball with him and it’s like, “Just stop it.” “It’s not going to catch, okay?” We know little gay boys exist, which means little lesbians also exist, but you never see a little lesbian because lesbians live in the shadows. I want to see a little lesbian, you know, just a little girl, like, aggressively eating a muffin. She doesn’t know why she’s doing it. She’s like, “I got to practice.” “I got to really get in there.” And I think women, we really fucked up. We befriended gay men. I don’t think that was the right choice. I think we should’ve befriended lesbians. Lesbians would be like, “Come on, we found a way to run a successful society.” Instead, we befriended gay men, and they’re like, “Bitch, you’re ugly.”
[audience applauds]
And we’re like, “He’s my best friend.” “I like him ’cause he’s mean to me in a different way.” And there’s not, like… not that many prominent lesbians, you know? Even now, sometimes you’ll hear about lesbians… Like, you’ll find out they’re a lesbian after they died. Like, men will be like, “Oh, I thought she was just miserable and alone.” And it’s like, “No, she lived with that lady.” “Yeah, I know, I thought they were miserable and alone together.” ‘Cause I think it’s still hard for straight men to sometimes believe that women can be happy without a man. And I think even straight women, I think even we know that that’s possible. And now we have the luxury to decide if we want to get married or not. That used to not be the case. You used to always have to get married. I’m sure there were some women that, like, during World War II, their husband went off to fight in the war, and then he died. And they were like, “Oh no.” “No, I’m too heartbroken, I can never marry again.” “This bed is big.” [chuckles] And also, for the longest time, I think straight men, they always wanted lesbians to be, like, two hot young women who would maybe, like, invite them to join. And lesbians were like, “No, that’s not who we’re gonna be.” There was always at least one lesbian in a couple who looked like she knew how to, like, build a deck. And that made sense to me. That couple made sense to me because I knew who was doing the work. Now there is the emergence of the young, hot lesbian couple, and it doesn’t make any sense to me, because I have no idea who’s doing any work. Hot women don’t have to work. I can’t figure it out. It just seems like it’s going to be two women lying in bed waiting for something to happen to them. Like, when there’s a burglar, who’s going down? And also, who’s going down? I know the answer for gay men. It’s both of you for both those things. You’re both going down on each other, and you’re both going down to the burglar to see if he wants to come up. Like, “Oh, you brought zip ties? Good. We were already playing hostage.” But my biggest… The reason I’ve been so fascinated with lesbians, I think it actually comes from a jealousy. I’m jealous of the lesbian relationship because you get to be a wife, but you also get a wife. That seems super productive. I want to be a wife, but I don’t… I don’t get a wife. I get a husband. And what’s he going to do? What’s he gonna do in this almost equal society we fought so hard for? What? Protect me? From who? He’s the guy most likely to kill me.
[scattered clapping]
[distant whooping]
And so the fact is, you know, the reason I moved to Barcelona, as a strong independent woman, was for a boy. [chuckles] And being in love and being happy is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. Uh… I was… Before this, I was always single and I was miserable, and it made sense, and I knew why. Now I’m happy, and I’m in love, and it’s terrifying because it could go away at any point. But I actually think this is the key to a successful relationship. Never feel secure. [chuckles] No matter how long you’ve been in a relationship, always think your partner could leave. ‘Cause then you’re never too mean. Like, I treat my guy like an indoor/outdoor cat. I’m like, “You can go, but there’s good food here.”
[scattered clapping]
And I’ve been learning a lot of terrible things about myself in this relationship. Like, um, I… I learned that, apparently, I’m a nurturer. Like, uh, despite any of my wishes. Uh… I like to do things for him, like cook for him and do his laundry. Which is insane, because I don’t like to do my own laundry. This is everything you need to know about why women aren’t ahead. We’re just willing to do nice stuff for other people because it makes us feel good. I didn’t want this to be my life. I didn’t know cooking and doing laundry for a man would do something like bring me joy. But it does. I love to do it. I love to take care of him. It’s really lovely. I started using fabric softener because of him. I never used fabric softener before because I thought fabric softener was a scheme. I thought it was a scheme by Big Laundry to just get us to use another liquid. And so I’ve never used it before. And one day he comes up to me… And he approached me about this like anyone does who, like, wants something to keep happening, you know. He was like, “Hey, baby, I love you so much.” “Do you ever notice our clothes are a little bit crunchy?” [chuckles] And when I hear crunchy clothes, the first thing I think of is semen, right? But I know that’s not why these clothes are crunchy, ’cause I know where all the semen is going, you know? Guys, don’t be gross. In the trash can. Which is what I call my vagina.
[man shouts]
[scattered clapping]
This is a… This is just a tiny peek into a comedian’s life. I riffed that joke on stage one night, and I liked it so much that I was like, I’d rather keep calling my vagina a trash can than not do that joke. So the clothes are crunchy and it’s not ’cause of the semen, because that’s in old trash can over here. He’s like, “Ever notice our clothes are crunchy?” I was like, “Yeah, I have noticed.” And he was like, “Maybe we could start using fabric softener.” And then I went on my whole “fabric softener is a scheme” rant, and he didn’t leave, you know, so I thought that was pretty good. And so I bought fabric softener, and I started using it. And you know what happens when you put fabric softener onto the clothes that you then put on your body? It makes them softer. It’s a perfectly-named product. I should’ve been using it this whole time. Know what I blame? I blame the marketing. They’re marketing this product wrong. You got to get rid of that gay Snuggie Bear. He’s gay, right? Him and the Pillsbury Doughboy, they’re gay. They’re… They’re just out there touching tummies. You know what fabric softener needs? Know what mascot fabric softener needs? A sturdy lesbian. Just a sturdy lesbian on the cover being like, “It works, okay?” And I’m not used to a lot of the stuff that comes with relationships. He says very romantic and sweet things to me, you know. Like, he’ll say things like, “I could just look into your eyes forever.” “You have the most beautiful eyes.” Which, to be honest, made me feel okay about my body, you know? Like, “Just my eyes? Okay.” Uh… Then I do the very girly thing that we sometimes do. I’d be like, “Well, what happens when I get old and, uh…” “Like, my…” I hopefully age terribly, you know, and… “…you know, everything starts falling apart?” He’s like, “I don’t care. I could look into your eyes forever.” “They’re so beautiful. I absolutely love staring into your eyes.” Which is like a really sweet thing to say. But then I thought of one more question I wanted to ask him. But I didn’t ask it because there’s only one right answer, and I knew if he didn’t say the right answer, I’d have to leave. The question I wanted to ask was, “Okay, so what if someone plucked out my eyes… and I just had two sockets?” “Then what would you do?” I didn’t ask that question ’cause there’s only one right answer. And the right answer is, “Walk away quietly.”
[scattered clapping]
‘Cause that’s the funniest way to leave a newly blind person, is… “Are you still there?” “I feel your energy.” And it is, you know, like… Oh, I should mention, the guy I’m in a relationship with, he’s a Black man, and the only reason I’m telling you that is so you know I’m a good person. Uh… It’s really relevant for the next couple jokes. They don’t work as well if he’s not Black. Uh… There was one night I got home, and he was asleep on the couch, and the TV was on. And I don’t know what he fell asleep to, but when I came in, there was a video playing about white privilege. I was like, “This is the most passive-aggressive thing I’ve ever seen.” Like, I’m the white woman in this relationship. I’m the passive-aggressive one. How are you supposed to… How dare you try to out-white-woman me? So I did the whitest-woman thing I could think of. I called the police. And now he’s dead, so… I’m kidding, we live in Spain. They don’t do that there. They just give you an olive and make you take a nap. But, you know, it’s been really great and… Actually, not just this relationship, but everything over the past couple years, it’s really taught me we should always lead with love and kindness. No matter what. The relationship you’re in, your friends, your family, strangers, especially strangers. We should always lead with love and kindness. And of course we’re gonna argue, of course we’re gonna disagree. And hopefully those arguments never get too bad, but no matter what happens, you should always try to be the first person. Always try to be the first person to say, “Why are you yelling?” ‘Cause if you say that, you’ve won. And that’s what it’s really all about.
[upbeat music playing]
♪ If you want it ♪
♪ I’ve got it ♪
♪ If you need it ♪
♪ I’ve got it ♪
Part 2: All Struggles Matter + Me Too
[Michelle] Hi, guys, how are you?
[upbeat music playing]
[audience cheering and clapping]
It’s fine, I don’t really care.
[laughter]
I always like being here in Philadelphia.
[audience exclaims]
I love being here in Denver. You guys, you know you have a good town.
[audience cheering]
[chuckling] Always happy to be here in Salt Lake.
[audience exclaims]
I love coming to Madison. I love being back here.
[audience laughs]
This is gonna be fun. We’re gonna have a good time.
[cheers and applause rise and fade out]
I’ve been noticing lately that a lot of comedians have been using their time on stage to talk about their struggles, and how they identify. And I think that’s good for comedy.
[audience laughs]
Um… Guys, this is serious. So… [chuckles] Guys, I’m about to talk about my struggles. I thought, you know, I could use my platform, here, to talk about how I struggle and how I identify. You remember, like, 15 years ago, this commercial would come on that would be like, “Do you have the urge to move your legs at night?” “Do you get a creepy crawly feeling in your legs?” “You might have restless leg syndrome.” Well, it turns out, I have restless leg syndrome. And you know how I got diagnosed with restless leg syndrome? I listened to those symptoms, and then I go, “Yes, I have it.” There’s no cure. And it is. You get this, like, itchy kind of feeling in your legs at night. You feel like you have to move them. Which also, I mean… Even just to have this disease… Calling it a disease is a bit of a… stretch. It’s kind of like the white women of diseases. You know, where you’re like, “Is it a problem? I don’t…” Like, even to recognize that you have it, you have to have a lot of time to rest. I was just relaxing at home for hours… when my legs were like, “Move.” It’s either restless legs, or it’s, like, prediabetes. Like… It’s your body being like, “Take a lap.” [chuckles] And it’s hard. The more you talk about it, kind of like the more, like, unbelievable it actually sounds. Like, if there was a GoFundMe for restless leg syndrome and a cat who needed a wheelchair… I think that cat’s getting a wheelchair. We don’t even know if he has restless legs ’cause he doesn’t have any.
[audience exclaims]
Oh, don’t be sad about a fake cat that I just made up. And, like, this is not a great thing to complain about in the best of times, but, like, we’re not in the best of times. You know? Like, we’re just out of pandemic. People can’t find baby formula, gas is like $90 an ounce. Meanwhile, I’m like, “Sometimes at night I have to wiggle my legs because of the itchys and the scratchys.” So, I guess what I’d like to do tonight is I’d like to come out as insufferable. [chuckling]
[woman cheers]
[man] Yeah!
I feel validated because this Black man just raised his glass to me. And weunderstand suffering. It has… It has… It has been a really hard time for white women. I mean, not literally. [chuckles] Like, a lot of people are coming out and talking about their struggles, and white women are really trying to be a part of that. It’s been kind of hard for us to do, you know? ‘Cause it’s hard to have, like, a struggle and a skin care routine. Like, things are hard. I did this joke the other night and a white lady screamed out. She goes, “You’re going the wrong way.” She’s really having a hard time. But I thought about it and I think, white women, I think I figured out what our struggle is. I think our struggle is hearing how hard it is for other people is really hard for us. Like… Like, we heard how hard it was for Black people, and we were devastated. We saw pictures of the destruction in Ukraine, and we needed a social media break. We heard about the crimes against humanity in Palestine, and we didn’t really get into that one ’cause that’s not one of the “in” crises. But in general, hearing how hard things are for other people has been really hard for us. So hard, we can barely make our own jewelry. [chuckles] And, like, we blame a lot of stuff on white men, you know, and women, you have done a lot of stuff. [chuckles] Like, don’t even get mad about it. You’ve been really terrible, but you’re really good at it. You know? Like, white men came over from Europe, annihilated a civilization, and then rebranded it as Thanksgiving. That’s, like, pretty impressive. You know, and we blame a lot of stuff on you guys, which is very funny to me because we act like we haven’t participated in it at all. And we have participated at the most fundamental of levels. We made you. [chuckles] We’re like the guy who made the atom bomb, and we’re like, “But don’t use it!” You’d think, we’ve spent all this time with white men, you would think we would have picked up some tips and tricks by now. You know. You guys have the blueprint. It’s like we haven’t learned anything. It’s like we spent our whole life with Michael Jordan and only walked away with a bad gambling habit. I think one of the reasons it’s been hard for us to get ahead is because white women, we want to… We don’t want to give up being the victim, you know? But we also want to be in charge. We want to be the head victim in charge. You know, we want to be the manager, but we also want to be able to ask for the manager. Like, “I need to speak to the manager!” “Oh no, that’s me, and I’m a bitch.” And we’re really good at being the victim, you know, we’re good at it. Like, we’re the bride of victims. No matter what’s happening to other people, we’re like, “No, no, it’s my day.” [chuckles] “And my dad’s kind of paying for the whole thing, so…” And sometimes I get a bit frustrated with white women because… By the way, this whole section is gonna be about you, white women, if you haven’t picked that up yet. So if you’re starting, you know, starting to take offense, don’t worry, just cross your arms. “This is not what I came here for.” Sometimes I feel like we’re waiting for things to be nice for us, you know? Because I’ve said it before, you know. White women, we are oppressed. Sexism definitely exists, you know. But white men, you guys were smart. You kept us comfortable. It was a very air-conditioned oppression. Like, you know, again, I don’t want to downplay what happens to women. You know. Like, obviously sexism exists. A lot of women get murdered and assaulted, um, by like, you know… Okay. So I looked up the statistics for this. Um… For the joke, not because I cared. [chuckles] But, of the women who get murdered, 91% of them get murdered by someone they know. 62% of that is by their husband. So not are we getting murdered, we’re getting murdered by the people who we love the most. You know, and then I heard about all these trans women getting murdered and assaulted. And all I could think of when I heard that was, “Welcome.” [chuckles lightly]
[audience chuckles, then exclaims]
“Jump on in, the water is terrible.” “And full of missing women.”
[scattered whooping and clapping]
Some people will say, “No, statistically, more trans women are getting murdered.” I’m like, are they getting murdered ’cause they’re trans or are they getting murdered ’cause they’re not used to presenting as a woman? You know, like, I can understand if they’re getting murdered, someone’s murdering them, they’re like, “This is ’cause you’re trans.” [chuckling] By the way… Sorry, I’m… I’m stabbing the person. I just looked at myself doing that. I was like, it looks like… Okay, I’m not jerking the person off. It’s a very different situation. “This is ’cause you’re trans.” “It’s a fun surprise.” You know… Technically, maybe you could murder someone that way, I don’t know. Probably take a while. [chuckles dryly] “You’re almost out.” You know what I’m saying? I… No, this is a knife, and I’m stabbing. “This… This is ’cause you’re trans.” If that’s how they’re getting murdered, okay, yes. It’s because they’re trans. Or, you know, is it because they’re not used to presenting as women and they’re doing, you know, stuff they shouldn’t be doing, like… walking home at night. Like, you used to be a lion. Now you’re a gazelle. There’s different rules, bitch. Okay? You can’t do everything you used to be able to do. You can’t just hang around vans. Like, what… what happened? Did you speak up in a meeting? Or did you do the most dangerous thing of all? Did you marry the love of your life? So, I understand. I understand when women are unhappy with society. You know, it makes sense to me. But you’re unhappy with society, do something about it. You know, all I see is these white women Karening. And that’s really frustrating to me. First of all, Karening isn’t new. Karening’s been happening since the beginning of time. You guys just finally started recording it. Like, there’s literally, like, cave paintings of Karens. It’s just a woman who’s like, “You’re not supposed to have a fire here.” Karening frustrates me ’cause it’s such an ineffective use of your power. You know, like when white men are unhappy with society, they really do something about it. They really get in there. You know, they run for office, they change laws, they gerrymander, they get their hands dirty, you know? When we’re unhappy with society, we don’t do that. We just, like, knock over a display in Target. It’s so frustrating. I think sometimes we think that, like, you know, as individuals, we can’t create change. And you can. Just you, as an individual, you can create change. I see men do it all the time. Women, you can do it on your own. You know, like, um… Ted Kaczynski wasn’t happy with society, and you know what he did? He built a perfectly symmetrical cabin, he wrote a manifesto, and sure, he sent some bombs in the mail, which wasn’t a great idea. But you know what happened to him? Netflix made three documentaries… and everyone knows Ted Kaczynski is the Unabomber. I don’t even know a Karen’s real name. Y’all are just thrown under the umbrella of Karen. I want a white woman to do something where I know your full name. Be your own Ted Kaczynski.
[scattered whooping and clapping]
[chuckles] And look, you know, like, I don’t always just like to present problems, you know? Sometimes it’s good to have solutions too. And so I think women, white women, I think at some point in your life, you should be in a serious relationship with a Black man. All of us white women, at some point in our life, a serious relationship with a Black man. Just… Yeah. Um… Maybe this guy. Uh… He’s sitting by himself. [chuckles] I need you to be in a serious relationship with a Black man, just so you can hear how stupid all of your complaints actually sound. Like if you both get home from a hard day and you’re like, “I literally had the worst day.” And he’s like, “Yeah, I had a bad day too.” And she’s like, “Well, what happened to you?” “Well, another Black man was shot in the back by the police, and it was actually a guy from my neighborhood and he wasn’t even running away.” “He was walking away, and this stuff just keeps happening, and it’s never going to change, and I’ve lost, like, all hope, and I’m just so angry.” “But what happened to you?” [softly] Uh… -Eh… –
[audience laughs]
“No, it’s not important.” “No, baby, in this house, we share.” “What happens to you happens to me.” Um… “Well, today at work, this guy called me a girl, and I’m a woman.” I can feel some women in here be like, “Well, she is.”
[upbeat music playing]
[Michelle] I make fun of white women a lot. And the only reason I do it is because it’s fun and easy. But it’s not fair. You also deserve credit for some stuff, too, you know? Like, remember a couple of summers ago when we realized that Black Lives Matter? Waiting until a couple summers ago to realize things have been hard for Black people is like needing to see that documentary to know SeaWorld is bad. Like, did you know whales shouldn’t live in a sink?
[scattered clapping]
But you know what we did? We realized things were hard, and white women really got out there. They protested, they advocated, you know, they really tried to do the work, but then something devastating happened to a lot of us white women. A lot of us white women realized we’re the ones who’ve been racist this whole time. We were shocked. We were so shocked, we pulled our purse closer. But even after that, we were like, “Wow, we didn’t even know we were like this.” “From now on, we’re going to learn.” “We’re going to listen, we’re going to hear, we’re going to open a small Black business.” “But most importantly, from now on, we’re going to do better.” “We want to do better.” And honestly, all jokes aside, that’s all we can do as a society. We can’t change the past. All we can do is better in the future. I genuinely think that’s the path forward for us.
[scattered whooping and clapping]
Except… that’s almost exactly what men said after Me Too, and we found that answer completely unacceptable. Men were like, “Us? The whole time? We didn’t even know.” “From now on, we want to learn and listen and hear and open a small Black business.” “But most importantly, from now on, we want to do better.” “We’re going to do better.” And we were like, “No, not good enough.” “You all have to die.” “Every one of you. Doesn’t matter what you did.” “You could have raped somebody or accidentally whispered into a boob.” “It’s all the same.” “And you have to die.” Me Too was the worst-run movement I’ve ever seen. I was so frustrated by it because I think we genuinely could have made social change. We could have made things better for women and men, but we fucked it up from the very beginning. And I tried. I tried to get involved in Me Too. I didn’t want to get Me Too’d. Not how I wanted to get involved. I thought the more fun way to get involved would be to, like, Me Too men, you know? But that didn’t really work out. That just turned into three one-night stands. It’s really hard to Me Too a guy. You ever tried to Me Too a man? It’s very hard. You go up to a guy at work, you’re like, “Hey, nice ass.” He’ll be like, “Oh my God, no one has ever complimented my body.” “Most people call me smart and capable.” “But you made me feel pretty.” “And I touch your boobs.” It’s hard, you know? Everyone has different lines, you know? I don’t even think some men know where their line is. I think some men go so far past their line, when they finally turn around and see it, they’re like, “I have to go home.” And also, men, you like gross things. You do. You know this about yourselves. You like gross things. Like, I was in Thailand, and I went to one of those Ping-Pong shows.
[man exclaims]
If you don’t know what they are, it’s not a game of Ping-Pong. I don’t know, it’s a little… A little bit a game of Ping-Pong. It’s these shows where women put Ping-Pongs and other things in their vaginas, and then they shoot them out at quite a velocity. I mean… these things really come at you. And it’s not just Ping-Pongs. One lady smoked out of her vagina. Another lady sucked up a little goldfish and then spit that guy back out. And it was still alive. Which I thought was very impressive. That’s like a solid pH that lady’s working with.
[scattered clapping]
[woman whoops]
Of course, the main event, they put Ping-Pongs in their vaginas, and then they shoot them out. And I’m telling… They really come at ya. This isn’t even a joke, they give you paddles to hit them away with. And you wanna hit them away. There’s probably some guys who are like, “Oh no, I missed.” [sniffs]
[audience exclaims]
Oh, if the guy you’re with “Oh’d” too loud, he’s one of them. And I don’t know if this is just ’cause I’m like a competitive person, but as soon as I saw this, I started to wonder which of those things I could do. Every woman in this room, I think we all have the ability to smoke out of our vaginas. I think… I think we can all do that. I just wouldn’t do it if you’re pregnant, you know? You don’t want your baby to think he’s, like, too cool. You know? The fish one… The fish one, I would never try. I would never try the fish one because if the fish died, I would be mortified. I’d be like, “What? Too fishy for you?” The Ping-Pong one, that’s the one you want to know about yourself. Every woman in this room is asking herself the same question right now. Say it with me. “Can I shoot Ping-Pongs out of my vagina?”
[cheers and applause]
So I tried, and now I’m just chock-full of Ping-Pongs. If anyone wants to play a game later, just drop-kick me in the stomach. Get some of those Ping-Pongs out, and hopefully that baby.
[scattered whooping and clapping]
You gotta keep abortion jokes early in the set, you know? [chuckling] Before it’s a baby, so… The point is, the only reason I tell that story is because that show only exists because men, you like gross things. There’s no female version of that show. We’re not going anywhere to see men shoot anything out of their bodies. In fact, the one thing you do shoot out of your bodies, oftentimes we’re like, “Hey, can you wipe this off?” “I’m getting sticky.” That’s one of the reasons I think Me Too is confusing for men, ’cause there’s some weird gross Me Toos out there, but I think they’re all things men would have liked if it happened to them. Like if I went up to a guy at a party, and I was like, “Hey, I saw you from across the room and then I came into a bush.” I think if I said that to a guy at a party, he would be like, “Tell me more about that.” Coming into a bush at a party, that’s like a classic Harvey Weinstein, I don’t know, bit? [chuckles] He was kind of like the cornerstone of the whole Me Too movement. And rightfully so. He did a lot of terrible things. You know, and he was on trial. A lot of women testified against him. And this one woman testified, she goes, “Harvey offered me a role in exchange for sex.” “And when I said no, he goes, ‘Then you’ll never make it in Hollywood because that’s how a lot of women make it in Hollywood.'” And then, supposedly, he started naming names. He’s like, “That’s how Charlize Theron made it, Salma Hayek.” And that’s the part you never really think about. You know, for, like, all the bad Me Toos out there, there’s, like, a couple success ones.
[audience exclaims]
Yeah, it makes this whole thing a lot grayer, doesn’t it? But you should not have to give a blowjob to get ahead. You should not have todo it. But you can. This is just about knowing your skill set. You know who’d be really mad to hear this information? Prostitutes. They’re like, “You got an Oscar? I got $50.” Personally, I don’t think I could ever do it, you know, just because the guys who offer it are all kind of gross, you know? They’re like the Harvey Weinsteins, the Roger Ailes. Like… I would talk about it. I’m a bit of a talker, you know. I’d be like, “Oh no, smells down here. Yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck.” [Michelle chuckling]
[scattered whooping]
[scattered clapping]
This was a lot more complicated of a situation than we let it be. We needed to have conversations around it, and we couldn’t even have conversations. You were either Me Too or Me Against. There weren’t even levels. There should have been some levels. You know, like “Me Too.” “Me Kinda.” “Me Didn’t Know.” [chuckles] “Me Criminal.” [chuckles] And some stuff, some truly terrible stuff happened to women. And other stuff, I was like, “No, you just had a weird sex thing.” I heard one woman say this man put his penis on her forehead during sex, and she said that was a Me Too. I was like, “No you just had weird sex.” “That’s the day you found out if you like a penis on your forehead.” “And if you do, guess what. Me too.” So… “You got any ideas in there?” It’s fun, try it later. Uh… You know, ask. [chuckles softly] We needed to have conversations, you need to be able to ask questions, because everyone has a different line. You know, one woman’s line is another woman’s rope she likes to be tied up with. You’d hear a lot of women say, “Men shouldn’t use their power to have sex.” Other women would be like, “I like when men use their power to have sex.” And then men were like, “Can you tell us which one you are?” And we were like, “No,” but for different reasons. You hear some women be like, “This man, he hit on me at work, that’s harassment, it made me feel uncomfortable.” Like, “Okay, do you want no one to hit on you at work?” “No, I only want the men who I want to hit on me to hit on me at work.” “Okay. Do you want to make a list of who they are?” “No, I’m mysterious.” “Well, then buckle up, Nancy Drew, you got some uncomfortable times headed your way.” And I did… I genuinely saw men try to get better. You know? I saw men trying to listen to us and do better. Like, uh, I was in… riding in a car with a guy, and he asked to hold my hand. And I wasn’t used to that level of consent, you know? Like… I mean, I wasn’t used to rape, either. I’m more of a social-cues girl. And… But he asked to hold my hand. And I was so taken aback by it that my first reaction was, “Oh no! He must be sick or scared.” So I grabbed his hand, and I was like, “It’s going to be okay, buddy.” You know, relationships are complicated. Things between us are complicated, you know. And women, you know, we’re a little bit to blame for some of this stuff too. Like, uh, we’re attracted to the most dangerous type of man. You know, we like those big, strong guys. Tall guys with broad shoulders. You know how many times I’ve said “I want a big strong guy who can pick me up and throw me against the wall”? And then other women have definitely said, “He was big and strong, and then he threw me against the wall.” Same guy. Uh… And I say we’re partially responsible for that, because women, we’re at the point now where we decide who we marry, we decide who we mate with. We are attracted to those guys, so we marry them, we have kids with them, we make more of them. If we really wanted to make society better, we could just stop doing that. We could only marry… We could only marry short, soft-boned men. Get a whole generation of little Danny DeVitos running around. That’s actually why I think a lot of men don’t want to give women access to abortion. I think you know, deep down, that we could start deciding which of you gets to move ahead.
[whooping and clapping]
We could keep a whole database. We could be like, “No, no, not him. He doesn’t text back.” “Sorry, Kevin, the future’s for communicators.” We’re also, inexplicably… Women, we’re attracted to bad men. You know? Like, I don’t know why, but we’re just attracted to bad guys. Like, Charles Manson got wedding proposals in jail. Women heard what Charles Manson did, and they thought, “I’d like to be in a relationship with that man.” Even Charles Manson had to be like, “You wanna be in a relationship with me? That’s a red flag.” We’re, like, oddly attracted to serial killers. Anytime Netflix comes out with a new documentary about serial killers, we’re, like, attracted to them. It’s crazy to me, ’cause one, they’re serial killers, and two, it makes me think about how we don’t have many female serial killers. And the ones we do all kind of make sense, you know? They’re all prostitutes who killed their johns. And I can see how that could go south, you know? She’s probably like, “Where’s my Oscar?” [chuckles] But male serial killers, we know the same thing about all of you. Male serial killers all had terrible moms. But a lot of us women, we have terrible dads, and we don’t turn into serial killers. We just turn into people who have sex with other dads. It makes me so frustrated at women. I’m like, “Can you stop being a people-pleaser for five fucking minutes and get to murdering?”
[woman screams in laughter]
[scattered clapping and whooping]
You know, be the change. You know? [chuckles]
[upbeat music playing]
♪ If you want it ♪
♪ I’ve got it ♪
♪ If you need it ♪
♪ I’ve got it ♪
Part 3: News to Me + All Beautiful
[Michelle] Hi, guys, how are you?
[upbeat music playing]
[audience cheering and clapping]
It’s fine, I don’t really care.
[audience laughs]
I always like being here in Philadelphia.
[audience exclaims]
I love being here in Denver. You guys, you know you have a good town.
[audience cheering]
[chuckling] Always happy to be here in Salt Lake.
[cheering and clapping]
I love coming to Madison. I always love being back here.
[audience laughing]
This is gonna be fun. We’re gonna have a good time.
[cheers and applause rise and fade out]
I think a lot of times, women, we always feel like we have to, like, support other women, which… I don’t think we need to do that. Um…
[audience laughing]
Like, that’s, like, a lot to ask of a whole gender, you know? We don’t ask that of men, you know? Like, men aren’t like, “Men should support other men.” That’s not… They’re just like, “We’ll invade. It’s okay.” It’s totally fine not to like other… There’s plenty of women that I don’t like, you know? But sometimes I’ll find out information about them that will at least, like, let me understand them. Like, I saw an article about Nancy Reagan. First of all, I’ve never been a fan of Nancy Reagan. I always thought she was a tiny little cunt. You know? Yeah. That’s just my opinion. I don’t know. It’s not… But I saw an article about her recently that made me at least understand her. Uh, the article talked about how in Hollywood in the ’70s, Nancy Reagan was known as the throat GOAT. Yeah. Little old Nancy Reagan, in Hollywood in the ’70s, was known for the best at giving blow jobs. Do you know how hard it is to be the best at giving blow jobs in Hollywood in the ’70s? That’s how people auditioned. And she was the best. She was the Michael Jordan of blow jobs. Little old Nancy Reagan. But then, after I read that, her whole life made sense to me. It’s like, of course she hated gay men. They were her competition. She’s like, “We gotta keep AIDS around, my cheeks are getting tired.” [Michelle chuckles] You know, I saw that news story… I actually read that news story like I feel like a lot of us read news these days. Which is, I saw it, and I wanted to believe it was true, so then I just did. You know, like, I didn’t check sources or anything. Now that I’m thinking about it, I really wanna know what the sources are. It’s like a bunch of older men who are like… [mumbles] You know? You know she’s really good if that was the one thing Ronald Reagan remembered. “When Nancy puts me in her mouth…” “Hey, this is a Cabinet meeting, okay?” “Someone get him more jelly beans. We need…” [Michelle chuckles] But I think that’s what a lot of us do now when we look at the news, you know? We see something that kind of fits in line with what we want to believe, and then because we feel it’s true, it is. And that’s an incredibly dangerous place to be as a society. Plus, once something’s out there about you, it doesn’t actually matter if it’s true or not, people will just believe it. There’s some things out there about me that aren’t true, but I’m sure people believe it. Like, after I did the Correspondents’ Dinner, I got a lot of trolling. And, to be honest, most trolling, very boring. You know, it’s just repetitive. You know, a lot of it’s like, “You bitch, you cunt, you Carrot Top-looking motherfucker.” And that’s just me in the mirror, so… Well, how do you come? I got one really good troll after the Correspondents’ Dinner. I appreciated this troll. It was creative. He put in time and effort. It was really good. What he did was he took what looked like a screenshot of my actual hometown newspaper, the Hershey Chronicle, and so… I mean, the font was correct. A lot of information in the article was right. Like where I went to school, when I graduated, what I majored in. The meat of the article was incorrect. The headline read, “Wolf pleads guilty to bestiality.” Out of the box, though, right? You know? And I tried to find this article again, and I just, I Googled “Wolf bestiality.” I think I got a bit egotistical where I was just like… I was like, “Oh, wait, I need more words than that.” But that’s a fun rabbit hole if you want to go down that one. But the title of this article said, “Wolf pleads guilty to bestiality.” So now I find myself in the odd position to have to say things like, “No, I’ve never had sex with a dog.” But as soon as you have to say you’ve never had sex with a dog, it sounds like maybe you’ve had sex with a dog. By the way, that was the bestiality they were referring to. They said my bestiality was dog sex. If, when I said bestiality, you pictured a different animal, guess what, that’s the animal you would have sex with. And now you know that about yourself, so… That’s fun and exciting, you know? This article, now, all of a sudden, it makes me think of things that I never even wanted to think about before, like, “How do I have sex with a dog?? I’m a woman. How am I fucking a dog? So then I’d think about how I’d have sex with a dog. And I think the answer is you put peanut butter on your pussy. And now it sounds like I’ve maybe fucked a dog. By the way, if you ever do want to have sex with a dog, it said after I pleaded guilty that I only got 12 months probation and $1,100 fine. So, if that’s your thing, you might want to head over to Pennsylvania. It doesn’t sound like it’s gonna put you in that deep of a hole, you know? But we’re in Wisconsin. Maybe check the laws here. They might be better. [chuckles]
[audience exclaims]
There’s a lot of farmland. There’s a lot of farmland. People get lonely. I get it. But, yeah, I’ve never had sex with a dog. But if I was going to, I’m not having sex with a rescue. [chuckles] I’m having sex with a purebred dog. A big, silky-coated dog. A dog who could really take care of me. And honestly, that would be fine if that was the only information out there about me. Um, it’s not. Do you guys remember Jeffrey Epstein, like, of the pedophiles? So, at some point, someone put a list of all the people who apparently went to Epstein’s island out. And it’s, like, a pretty good list. It’s got Barack Obama, Beyoncé, Meryl Streep, Tom Hanks. Also on the list, me. Well, that’s not good. Now it looks like I fuck kids and dogs. It looks like I’m really going out of my way not to have sex with men. Which, if I was interested in both kids and dogs, a perfect combination of that is men.
[scattered clapping]
And now I find myself in a position no one ever wants to be in, which is having to say the phrase, “No, I’ve never had sex with a kid.” I’ve never even been to that island. But by the way, if all those people are going, I’m gonna go. You probably don’t have to do anything there. You can probably just get a cocktail and see what Meryl Streep’s into. Which hopefully is role-play. You know? She’s a really good actress. I don’t know. So, I know, I had to say things like “I’ve never had sex with a kid.” And I haven’t. But if I was going to have sex with a kid, I wouldn’t go to some billionaire’s island to do it. I’d do it the normal way and become a teacher.
[audience exclaims]
I know, we should pay them more. Get them supplies.
[upbeat music playing]
I hear all the time, women talk about how we should all be beautiful, how we should all feel beautiful. So it’s like, “We’re all beautiful.” “We’re all beautiful.” Well, first of all, that means we’re still valuing women on beauty. We’re like, “You have to be beautiful to be important, so we’ll just make sure every woman feels beautiful.” Which is maybe not the right metric. Also, a little problem with that plan, we’re not all beautiful. [chuckles] The only reason you know someone’s beautiful is ’cause you’ve seen someone who’s not. You’re like, “Yeah, that’s different… than that.” Like, recently, I was at the same event as Naomi Campbell, and people kept wanting us to take a picture together, and I was like, “No!” “I’m not gonna document how different humans can be.” “My skill set doesn’t come across in a photograph.”
[scattered clapping]
[scattered whooping and clapping]
Not too much, okay, guys. [chuckles] Also, but how dare you? How dare you want every woman to be beautiful? Don’t you think there’s women out there who knew they were ugly? They knew they were ugly, so they got good at something. They got respected for their abilities.
[cheering and applauding]
And then… And then some little bitch comes up to her, and she’s like, “You’re beautiful.” It’s like, “No, shut up.” “I got a horse face, and I’m an electrical engineer.” We gotta stop. We gotta stop with all this beautiful nonsense. We should even stop telling little girls they’re beautiful. I think as soon as they can understand us, you look that little girl right in the eye, and you go, “With a face like that, you get good at math.”
[scattered clapping and whooping]
“We’re all beautiful.” So much… So much of our existence is based off of beauty, and it’s such a waste of time. Like, Victoria’s Secret just hired their first Down syndrome model. Don’t worry, this isn’t gonna be a joke about Down syndrome. You don’t have to draw a real hard line in the sand. Victoria’s Secret just hired their first Down syndrome model and everyone was like, “This is such a great accomplishment for women.” And, don’t get me wrong, I’m glad that lady has a job. But, uh, can we stop acting like women posing with no clothes, or almost no clothes, is an accomplishment? It’s literally the least you could do. This is how little of an accomplishment it is. I couldn’t think of something it was like. I kept thinking, like, I don’t know, a baby learning how to use a spoon, and I was like, I don’t know, it’s still an accomplishment. It is literal… It’s the least you can do. There’s nothing impressive about it. It’s not moving the needle forward for women at all. We seem to have this idea that if every woman can pose nude, finally, we’ll get ahead. It’s not… It’s not doing anything for us, you know? It’s like, “We want equality,” and then someone was like, “How about every type of woman can be in a Dove commercial?” And we were like, “We’ll take it.” They were like, “Really? “This feels like a whole ‘beads for New York’ situation.” ‘Cause we’ve seen it. We’ve seen every type of woman. Every age, weight, race, number of arms, we’ve seen it all. There’s nothing impressive about it. You know? And we were the ones, women… We were the ones who needed to see it. You know, we saw what the standard model was, and we said, “I want that.” Men didn’t do this. Men didn’t put these ideas in our heads. Men saw every woman, and they’re like, “I’ll take that one.” “Yeah, that’s neat too. Okay.” “Line ’em up.” That’s what it feels like. It feels like we’re trying to get verification that a man will jerk off to anything. That’s how low the bar is for men. It’s like, “Oh, Chad, he’ll beat it to almost anything.” We’re like, “He’s an ally.” Also, like, women, you should want to be a little bit ugly. I promise, it’ll help you out. I get called ugly all the time. I don’t care, I have a skill. I don’t care. Also, I hope I age terribly. ‘Cause the uglier I get, the better this all works.
[audience applauding]
The uglier I get, the more people I can make fun of. Like, I can’t do any accents or impressions. Okay? There’s one accent I can do, and it’s a very offensive Asian accent. Don’t ask me how I know, okay? I wanna get so ugly that I can do that accent and even Asian people will be like, “It’s okay.” And also, women, if you’re a little bit ugly, men are gonna be much more likely to believe you’re capable. And women too, by the way. Women are much… They’re also gonna believe you’re more capable if you’re a little bit ugly. If you have a bit of a busted face… and you’re like, “I’m a mathematician,” people will be like, “That tracks. Yeah.” Oh, don’t get sad about it, it’s true. You are the problem. [chuckles] “That’s sad, she thinks she’s ugly?” Who cares? She’s got a fucking job. Oh, this lady is so drunk, it doesn’t matter. Look at some of our most successful women. We don’t really think about these women because we never equate women’s success with, like, not being beautiful. But some of our most successful women, very ugly people. Some of these references are a little old. They’re just my personal favorites. Janet Reno.
[woman cheers]
[man] Reno!
Janet Reno was the first female attorney general. One of the longest-ever serving attorney generals. Worked for Democrats, Republicans, this lady was great at attorney general-ing.
[light clapping]
If you can’t remember what Janet Reno looks like, she looked like what Larry Bird looks like now. For context, Will Ferrell played her on Saturday Night Live. And his costume was, like, a little bit of lipstick. Not a pretty lady. Everyone trusted her. [Michelle chuckles] Everyone’s favorite, Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
[audience cheering and applauding]
Yeah. Ugly little old bird. She actually looks like a bird’s foot. All, like, wrinkly and bony, and, like, a little bit… You know. Great Supreme Court Justice. Not a pretty lady. No one’s slinging dicks at Ruth. It’s just such… It’s such a waste of time. It’s a waste of all of our times and our talents. Then for a while, there was this group of women. They were the “I don’t care” women. And, honestly, that’s like the right lane to be in. But these women were pretending they didn’t care. They actually cared because they posted about how much they didn’t care on social media. They’re like, “I don’t care what you think, I’m confident.” “I don’t care, I’m confident.” Feels like you’re trying to “Beetlejuice” confidence. But these “I don’t care” women, they don’t wear makeup, work out, do their hair, they don’t care. If that’s what you want to do, that’s totally fine. But what are you doing? ‘Cause I know how much time all of that takes me. So, if you’re not doing that, what are you doing? Are you attorney general? Are you fluent in all the languages? How are you spending all of this extra time? Like, men have never really cared about how they’ve looked. But they have almost everything to show for it. They invented almost everything. They’re like, “So sorry I look like this, but here’s electricity.” “No, wait till it gets dark. This is gonna blow your mind.” “You’re gonna be able to stare in the mirror longer.” And the worst part is, these “I don’t care” women, they were getting grouped in with powerful women. Like, “Look at these ‘I don’t care’ women.” “Look at them, they’re such great examples.” No, you’re not a powerful woman, you’re a mediocre man. And if that’s what you want to be, that’s fine. Having openly mediocre women, I think that’s a big step forward. I think that’s really good for women. If you want to be mediocre, you do it. You lean into it. Have fun. Wear elastic. But know you’re mediocre. You know, don’t you go blaming stuff on sexism. If you don’t get a promotion, don’t be like, “That’s sexist.” It’s like, “No, you don’t know Excel.” It’s an intuitive program. But that’s the kind… That’s the kind of equality I want for women. I want true equality for women. I want women to be just as good as men, just as mediocre, and just as shitty. You know? I want us to be in charge of stuff. I’d love to see us leave our kids.
[scattered clapping and whooping]
And I’d like to see a few serial killers. Good ones too. Like, good, creepy, dead-eyed, wear-your-skin serial killers.
[woman whooping]
The kind Netflix makes a documentary about, and afterwards, people are like, “She’s cute, though.” [chuckles]
[upbeat music playing]
♪ If you want it ♪
♪ I’ve got it ♪
♪ If you need it ♪
♪ I’ve got it ♪
