Michael Che Matters (2016) – Transcript

"Saturday Night Live" star Michael Che takes on hot-button topics like inequality, homophobia and gentrification in this stand-up set filmed live in Brooklyn

Voicemail again? Yo, Che! What they doing out here, man? People out here doing specials, they just up there, just talking. What they doing up there? Like, they don’t even make their specials special no more. You talking more like, that night, like the leather suit special. Remember when they used to do that back in the day? Remember when they came out, they knew it would be their night, or some kind of extraness? Yo, these dudes going on stage but they ain’t saying nothing. You gotta say something that matters, Che, like what’s going on, man. And I like you did it in the right spot, say it the way you wanna say it, say it the way you feel, don’t hold back. Ladies and gentlemen, I need you to make some noise right now. Give it up for Michael Che!

Oh! Thank you! Thank you so much! Holy shit! That makes me feel good. I had a rough day. That made me feel better. I had a homeless guy call me a n*gger on the train. I let him because he was homeless and I thought that was the rule. I thought you’re supposed to let homeless people say whatever the fuck they want then just act like you don’t see them. Fuck you. That’s just me, really? When a homeless guy gets on a train and yells awful shit, I turn into one of those British guards, I stand still and look straight ahead, “Say whatever you want, homeless man. You can never break me.” “Just don’t touch me with anything wet.” I’m not… trying to be insensitive. I gave a homeless dude $20, I didn’t even want to. I wanted to give him money. You ever see somebody and just wanna help them out? I just wanted to help this guy out, so I walked up to him and I reached in my pocket, but I felt I had one bill in my pocket, and I pulled the bill out and I saw it was a 20… …and he saw it was a 20… I was like, “I can’t blue-ball this guy, I gotta give him the whole…” You can’t just walk up to homeless people and be like, “Oh, no! Not for you, dude. I almost gave that bum 20 whole dollars. Let me go to the store and buy something I don’t need to make change suitable for your life. Maybe I’ll buy a $3 Snapple and dump half of it out… as to not waste any money.” I didn’t do it. He’s a human being, so I gave him $20. And he was happy to get it. First he was confused. He was like, “Are you sure?” I was like, “Of course I’m sure. You’re a human being. You deserve this.” He said, “God bless you, brother.” I was like, “Hey, it’s the least I could do.” He was like, “Can I get a hug?” and I was like, “No.” I said, “I’ll shake your hand.” He shook my hand and it was soaking wet. -I was furious. I wanted to hit him but I was afraid to make a fist. I didn’t wanna activate whatever liquid was on my hand. I just stared at it. I was like, “Please don’t dry sticky.” He called me a n*gger.

The N word’s a tricky word, you know? I told a joke about the N word at another show. The crowd got real quiet, like it just did. I felt bad so I tried to do crowd work to loosen them up, make them have fun again. And it worked. People had a good time, forgot what I was talking about. I forgot what I was talking about. Then I go, “What was I just talking about?” and this white lady in the back yells out, “N*ggers!” You laugh at that shit but that other audience did not. They were horrified! They gasped! They were like, “Hit her!” I was like, “I’m not gonna hit her.” “She’s 100 percent correct. That’s exactly what I was talking about.” I didn’t say, “We were playing basketball. What was I talking about?” “N*ggers!” It wasn’t that. It was also the way she said it, too, because she wasn’t like, “N*ggers!” she was like, “N*ggers! Oh, God.” She clearly wasn’t being racist, she just wanted to hear the punch line. I couldn’t be upset with her for that, you know? I couldn’t be upset with her. If it was a white guy, maybe I would’ve been more upset. Only because it puts a lot of pressure on me as a black dude. I don’t know if you know this or not, but if a white guy says the N word and I hear it, it means I gotta fight him. Even if I’m not that upset, I gotta fucking fight him. It’s in the black dude contract for some reason. And I gotta win the fight! Because if I lose, that means he gets to say it again. I gotta go tell people that shit. I can’t be like, “This white dude called me a n*gger.” “What did you do?” “Well, then I got my ass kicked for 15 minutes.” “Then he yelled it again and rode off on a Citi Bike. It was embarrassing.” That’s just the whitest vehicle I could think of, a Citi Bike. I don’t know why. I don’t know the answer to that question a lot of white people ask, “When can you say it, when can you not say it?” I don’t fucking know. “Can I say it?” I don’t know, try it. I don’t believe that every white person that’s ever said the N word is a racist. I don’t know. Maybe you just like music, I don’t know. You can’t just be a racist. You gotta earn racism for me. This is how I feel. You can’t just say n*gger. You gotta earn racism. I had a white girl call me a n*gger in an argument and I didn’t even get mad because I’ve known this girl for 20 years. And she can’t be a racist. Because she’s got low self-esteem. You can’t think you better than n*ggers if you don’t believe in yourself. Sorry. Do you know what kind of self-confidence you gotta have to be a supremacist? You think Hitler had body image issues? No, man! The motherfucker believed in himself. He had goals. Say what you will about Hitler… That might be the name of this special. Say What You Will About Hitler. I don’t like when white people ask me can they say the word? It makes me, you know… Any time a white guy asks me if they can say the N word, it feels like an alcoholic asking if they can have a sip of my drink. It’s probably harmless but it’s a slippery slope that I don’t wanna be… I don’t wanna be responsible for that. I don’t understand why white people can’t just accept the fact that there’s just some shit you can’t say. As a black guy, I know there’s shit that I can’t say. Like “screwed the pooch.” I don’t feel comfortable saying that shit right now and this is my special. I didn’t even know that was an actual saying. Have you ever heard that before? I didn’t know that was a real saying. The first time I heard it, I was at work and these interns were bringing us coffee. And they brought me the wrong coffee. And I was like, “Hey, man, I didn’t order this coffee.” And he goes, “I’m sorry about that, Che, I really screwed the pooch on that one.” And I said, “What was that?” And he goes, “It means I made a mistake,” and I was like, “No, man, it means you fucked a dog.” “You should probably stop saying that shit in a workplace environment.” Turns out this is a very popular phrase that white people just use all the time. Which leads me to believe that somebody fucked a dog one time… …and just kept comparing it to every mistake anybody else has made… ..until that shit stuck as something normal to drop into conversation. “You messed up the coffee? Now who fucks dogs?” “Still you, dude. You’re still the only guy that does that shit.” “I’m just saying, you messed up the coffee, I fucked your dog, people make mistakes, man.” “You ask me, we both shit the bed on that one. Also, I shit in your bed. That’s another normal thing people do.” I like to start with race stuff because I feel like right now there’s a lot of tension. Blacks and cops aren’t getting along. I don’t know if you’ve seen the news in the past 400 years, but… I don’t know if you’ve seen it. Apparently we’ve hit a rough patch. My brother’s a cop, actually. I don’t fuck with him. I love him! I love him. I don’t fuck with him. Not right now. It’s too hot. I only see him Thanksgiving. And even then, I’m like, “I’m reaching for the potatoes.” He hates that shit. He doesn’t find it funny at all. I think it’s hysterical!

We can’t agree on anything any more. As a country, we just can’t agree. We just fight about everything. We can’t even agree on Black Lives Matter. That’s a controversial statement. Black lives matter. Not matters more than you, just matters. Matters. Just matters. That’s where we’re starting the negotiations. Matters. We can’t agree on that shit? What the fuck is less than matters? Black lives exist? Can we say that? Can we say… Is that controversial? We always ask for the lowest common denominator. We ask for the lowest rights. Gays are fighting for equal rights. Equal rights. That’s… Can you believe that’s an actual stance you can have? You can be for equal rights? There’s people saying, “I think everybody should have the same rights as everyone else.” And there’s other people like, “No, son, I disagree.” “I just don’t think so.” Black people was fighting for civil rights. Not even equal. Just civil. “Can we get civil? I’ll take civil rights. Just be civil.” “We just want civil. Can we get civil? Turn the fucking hose off. Can we just get…” They don’t tell you black lives don’t matter. That’s not what they say. That’s not the argument. They hit you with that slick shit. Like, “Well, all lives matter.” Really? Semantics? That would be like if your wife came up to you and was like, “Do you love me?” and you were like, “Baby, I love everybody. What you talking about?” “I love all God’s creatures. What are you saying? You’re no different.” Why do black people always have to get over shit so quickly? Thanks, black lady. Right? Why do we always gotta get over shit? Every time we bring some shit up. Slavery. “Oh, that was 400 years ago.” Segregation. “Oh, you guys got Black History Month out of it. Come on. -We gave you February.” Police shooting. “That was two weeks. Come on, you still…” 9/11. “Oh, never forget.” That’s why this September, I’m getting a T-shirt that says, “All Buildings Matter.” And I’m gonna see how that works. -No? You want one? I’ll get you one.

It’s a crazy time to do comedy even. There’s too much shit going on. Blacks are getting shot. Cops are getting shot. Gorillas are getting shot. Fuck that gorilla. I don’t give a fuck about that gorilla. I would’ve shot that gorilla after I saved the baby. Just so other gorillas know that I mean business. I don’t give a fuck about Cecil the gorilla. -I know his name’s not Cecil. I just refuse to learn his name on account that he’s a gorilla. His gorilla parents didn’t name him that, some goofy white lady in cargo shorts did. And I refuse to play along with her sick fantasy… where gorillas have people names. I’m looking at the audience, I know a lot of people aren’t coming with me on this. You don’t give a fuck about gorillas, do you? You’re like, “I kinda do.” You don’t. Why are you pretending to give a fuck about gorillas? You don’t care about gorillas. -You don’t. You do? You don’t. I bet you you don’t! If every gorilla on the planet just vanished tomorrow, just vanished in some weird gorilla rapture… …just all at the same time, no gorillas exist, and nobody on the news reported it, how long before you’d notice? Never? -Nobody gives a fuck about gorillas. And you shouldn’t, because there’s real shit to give a fuck about. There’s shit happening to people. That’s when I’ll give a fuck about a gorilla. When I see a gorilla holding a sign that says, “Black lives matter,” then maybe…

There’s real shit going on! Not just blacks. Gays are getting shot in nightclubs. By the Orlando ISIS. I didn’t come… That’s what they called them, the Orlando ISIS. I know it sounds like a WNBA team, but it’s a real fucking thing, and they… Last night, the New York Liberty lost… …67 to 52 to the Orlando ISIS. As fucked up as that was, it did bring to light a lot of issues that we needed to discuss. Right? Big issues, like gun control. I don’t know a lot about gun control. I live in New York City. We got bodegas. When I’m hungry, I don’t gotta dress up like a tree and sneak up on a deer. Get a whistle and seduce a duck. I don’t gotta do that shit. I don’t gotta hunt. We got Pizza Hut and shit. Gun rights are in the Constitution. Or as I call it, the list of white guy perks. Don’t get uncomfortable, you know who the fuck that list was for. The Constitution is white FUBU. For you, by you. But gun rights are there, number two. Number two on the list. Guns. Which makes sense that it’s number two. It should be number two. Because if number one is, “I believe I should be able to say whatever the fuck I want”… number two definitely has to be, “I probably need a gun, too.” Right? Probably, right? Gun control, I don’t know. It’s tricky. Do I think you have the right to buy a pistol to… defend your family? Sure. I can understand that. Do I think you need an AR-15? Seems excessive. I can’t think of a reason why a regular person should just be able to purchase an assault rifle. The only reason for a person to be able to purchase an assault rifle is if maybe you’ve gotta discipline a gorilla. Gorillas don’t matter. I don’t care. That’s just how I feel.

Not just gun control. Not just gun control. It brought up a lot of other shit, too. Homophobia. Hm? A lot of homophobia in this country that needs to be addressed. Let’s do it right now. I’m not homophobic. I don’t… I’m not homophobic but I don’t judge people… that are homophobic because I don’t know your life, I can’t tell you what to be afraid of. Maybe you got some real spooky gay guys in your neighborhood that I don’t know about. Maybe you had a gay ghost hide in your closet when you was a kid and he’d… jump out and tickle you. I don’t know what you went through. It’s none of my business. I don’t know exactly what gay guys do. -I haven’t read the brochure. But tickling’s gotta be the scariest of them. If I had any fears, it would be a gay guy tickling me. Because if you tickle me, I’m gonna laugh. Now how am I supposed to tell you I don’t like it? And what if I do like it? What does that mean? That we go together? We gotta go get gay married? I gotta explain to our son how we met. “Dad, how did you meet Dad?” “Well, I was sitting at the bar mad straight and…” “I was straight as fuck, for real.” “All of a sudden, your dad came up behind me and was like, ‘coochie-coochie-coo!’ And then my dick moved and now you’re here.” “That’s the story of the birds and the birds, son.” Is that homophobic? Maybe. Does that make me a homophobe? I don’t know. I don’t think so. I think we’re all, as adults, we all have little things that we’ve gotta get over. You might not be homophobic, you might not be racist, but maybe you’ve got some fucked-up views on something, and if you’re not honest about it, how are you ever gonna get better? If I’m not able to say an honest thing, how am I supposed to get past that? Like, I just recently stopped using the word tranny. Because a trans friend of mine… told me how much it hurt. She was like, “That really bothers me when you say that. It’s a very hurtful term.” And I was like, “What?” “Tranny? How the fuck is tranny hurtful? I just added a Y.” “It’s a fucking Y. What’s so hurtful about a Y?” And she was like, “Well, how would you like it if I called you blacky?” Well played, tranny, well played. That’s… pretty good. Pretty good.

I’ve been accused of being homophobic. I have. In an interview. Just for being honest. You gotta stop accusing people… just for being honest. That’s a teaching moment. You know what I’m saying? You could school me. Don’t just call me something just because I said some shit you didn’t like. That’s all I’m trying to say. I’ve been accused. In an interview, somebody asked me, what would I do if I had a gay son, and I just answered honestly. I was like, “If I had a gay son, I’d probably be sad. But I’d also be sad if I had a straight daughter. I just don’t want anybody to fuck my kid. I just don’t want my kid penetrated, boy or girl. I don’t… I don’t want some dude showing up at my house in a tuxedo like, ‘I’m here to fuck your son and I brought him this corsage.'” I don’t even have any kids because I’m man pro-choice, but if I did and… You gotta do more than march sometimes. I don’t have any kids. But if I was a father, I’d feel like every man instinctively… just has this need to protect their family… from dicks. Boy, girl, doesn’t matter, you just gotta keep dicks away from your… Instinctively, I just wanna keep dicks away from my family. The longer I can keep dicks out of my family, I feel like the better dad I am. Is that weird? I feel that way. I feel like I’m gonna be that kind of parent. My daughter asks me, “Dad, can I go to the party?” I’m like, “Is there gonna be dicks at that party?” I see any locked doors… I’m like, “What y’all doing? Any dicks down there?” “No, Dad, we’re just doing drugs.” “All right, cool.” “What kind of drugs?” “Weed.” “All right. No crack.” “I know, Dad.” “Why?” “Because crack leads to sucking dick.” “That’s right, crack leads to sucking dick. No dicks in this family.” No? I don’t know where that comes from, that’s just how I feel. But I can be honest about it. Somebody else might feel that way and go see a therapist. Me, I’m here. You know what I’m saying? I don’t know where it comes from. Maybe religion. If I had to guess, I’d say religion. I’m not a religious guy. I believe in God, I just don’t like to bother him. I only talk to God when I’ve got tough questions, like “Why are we here?” or “How we gonna get rid of this baby?” It’s never anything more… I’m man pro-choice. I’m mad pro-choice. Are you miked? I don’t wanna any offend Christians. Are there any Christians here? Anybody Christian? Christian. Yeah? My mother’s a Christian. My mother’s a very religious woman. She used to take me to church all the time. It was cool. I just couldn’t buy in. I’d go in that church, I’d see that big old picture of white Jesus. I was like, “Nope.” I just never believed Jesus was white. Never. Why? First clue, his name’s Jesus. When have you ever met a white guy named Jesus before? In the history of the world, there’s never been another white Jesus. That doesn’t strike you as a little fucking odd? You’re a white guy, right? What’s your white name? -Huh? Nick? Nick, if your white friend said, “I’m having a baby,” and you said, “What you gonna name him?” and he said, “Jesus,” you’d be like, “What the fuck is wrong with Bill?” I just saw that picture, I just couldn’t believe it. Looking like Jeff Foxworthy. If his name was Cody Christ, I’d be like, “Maybe he looks like Jeff Foxworthy.” Nobody named Jesus looks like Jeff Foxworthy, Nick. And all his friends was named Peter and Paul and Matthew. Those are white guy names. I think Jesus had a lot of white friends. Probably why they sold him out. I think Joseph was definitely white. That’s how he knew it wasn’t his son. He’s like, “Mary, where you get this black-ass baby from?” She was like, “God? I don’t…” “It’s a miracle, yeah.” I also think Jesus… was black because they couldn’t find a place to stay. They was like, “Y’all can come in, but that n*gger baby gotta sleep in that puppy bed outside.” “Keep him in that manger over there if you… insist on having that black baby.” “I don’t trust it.” You understand what I’m saying, Nick, right? I don’t wanna be offensive. Let me know when I go too far. This shit’s being taped. All right? There’s still states I haven’t been to. I wanna make sure I can still go. -What’s your name? -Paul. Paul? What are the fucking odds? Black guy named Paul. It sounds like an improv group. A Black Guy Named Paul. It’s not offensive, is it, Paul? I’m fair game, fair game? Because I do wanna be respectful. Like I said, my family’s Christian. Very Christian. I used to go to church. Even though I didn’t buy in, I still paid attention, I still learned a lot. I did. I learned a lot about Jesus. One of my favorite things about Jesus, you ask me, Paul? I don’t know if you noticed, but Jesus… was a miracle-worker. Uh-huh! Jesus was a miracle-worker. He performed miracles. And… he studied carpentry. That’s not funny? He performed miracles… and… …studied carpentry, Paul. Paul, do you know what carpentry is? -Why the fuck would you… …study carpentry… if you can perform miracles? That’s a much less impressive skill. How many times was Jesus’s carpentry teacher like, “This table’s not level,” and he’s like, “All right, check it again, I’m Jesus”? “I could make a table out of fish if I wanted to. Do you know who you fucking with?” Also, nobody saved any of Jesus’s carpentry. Nobody? There’s no museum where I can go check that shit out? Nobody thought that shit might be valuable? “Hey, Fred, that’s a nice armoire. Where did you get it from?” “Jesus Christ.” “Heard of him? He’s that white guy with that black guy name.” Paul, I think Jesus was a shitty carpenter. I think he was bad at carpentry and they destroyed all his work because they knew we wouldn’t respect him. It’s like, “Jesus died for your sins.” “That motherfucker that sold me that three-legged table?” “I’m not following him nowhere.” What if you found out IKEA died for your sins? You’d be less… It’s not that impressive, is it? The only proof of Jesus’s carpentry is if maybe, in that Last Supper poster… he’s showing off a table he just made. Not bad! Not bad. Seats 13 on one side, huh? Who’s buying? I didn’t go too far, did I? Still with me, Paul? Good. Let me ask you one question, Paul. Think about it before you answer, don’t freak out, this is just… a question. You think when Jesus was on the cross, part of him was thinking, “This is a pretty good cross”? As a carpenter. As a guy that works with wood. As a guy that works… No? As a craftsman? “That’s some sturdy shit. Man, who built this? I’m gonna be up here a while. Three days at least.” No, never? Okay. Moving on. I’m just fucking with you, Paul. I gotta ask. I know a lot of Christians is like, “You gonna get struck by lightning.” Really? That’s what’s gonna set Jesus off? All the awful shit going on in the world, nothing’s happening about it. Meanwhile, Jesus is in the back like, “Who the fuck is making fun of my carpentry?” “I was a damn good carpenter! Oh, he gets all the lightning bolts. That’s priority number one.”

I don’t know. I do wanna go to heaven. I wanna go to heaven but I wanna, like, just make it. I wanna just make it. I wanna go to heaven like I wanna catch my flight, like just… No time to spare. I want people to be like, “How the fuck did you get in?” -“Just made it!” I know, I didn’t think I was gonna make it, but I gave up that kidney and… here I am.” “Where the bitches at?” No… I definitely don’t wanna go to hell. I don’t wanna got to hell. I don’t wanna go to hell, Paul. I don’t even know how hell works. I don’t. Because there’s only one hell, right? There’s only one hell. But how do you regulate who goes to hell? Because there’s shit that was okay a long time ago that’s not okay now. And there’s shit that’s okay now that wasn’t okay a long time ago. But they all go to the same hell? That never made sense to me. You know what I’m saying? Like, that guy from the Orlando ISIS. He’s gonna go to hell. And he should. But he’s also gonna meet somebody that was alive at a time… when what he did was okay. He’s gonna go there and some dude from 500BC is gonna be like, “Why you in here, young blood?” I don’t know why they talk like that. I’m just guessing. “Young blood, why you in here?” “I killed a bunch of gay dudes.” “You can’t do that no more?” “Damn! The world is crazy!” “Well, what you in here for?” “I ate a hamburger on a Saturday.” You see what I’m saying? They’re in the same hell, though. That sound weird?

Speaking of hell… Donald Trump‘s making a strong campaign for… For president, for president. Not hell. He’s making a strong campaign. You’re not gonna like this. I actually like Donald Trump, to be honest with you. Shut up. Shut up. I don’t think he should be president. I don’t think Donald Trump should be president, but I do think he’s a real shitty guy, he’s hilarious and he should be my best friend. -Is that okay? He shouldn’t be president. He shouldn’t be president. But he’s fucking funny. We gonna pretend he’s not funny? Really? If Donald Trump showed up at the after-party, I wouldn’t be like, “Urgh.” I’d be like, “Oh, shit, Donald Trump’s here!” I would be so pumped to see that guy. He shouldn’t be president. Turns out I look for different things in a best friend than I do a president. If you can believe that. Like, I think Obama was a fantastic president but I wouldn’t wanna fucking hang out with Barack Obama. If I got drunk and told Obama a dirty joke, he’d be like, “Michael, that’s not how we talk about women.” Like, “Okay, dude. All right.” Fucking guy. I don’t wanna hang out with him. I wanna hang out with a piece of shit. I’d rather hang out with George Bush. If I told George Bush a dirty joke, he’d be like, “God damn, them n*ggers funny.” “Tell Jeb.” And Clinton would be like, “I got a better one.” That’s who you wanna hang out with, right? Why are we pretending we don’t all have a Donald Trump friend? We all know that guy. We all have that shitty, over-confident, quasi-racist, orange friend. We all do. And we keep him around because he’s funny as fuck. He makes us laugh and he makes us feel better about ourselves. We just don’t want him too close to anything important. That’s the only thing. We keep him at a distance but not too close to anything that’s important. You know what it feels like, Donald Trump’s campaign? Like your shittiest friend came up to you at a bar one day like, “Yo, man, I think I could fuck your mom.” And then you found out he could. It’s not funny any more, is it? Now we gotta stop that guy or he’s gonna fuck Mommy. I don’t hate him. I’m not gonna pretend to hate him. He just shouldn’t be president. Not right now. The country’s in too rough of a point. -Never? -Never! When we’re doing really good, I think maybe we should give him a year. Just to let him fuck around, just to see what he does. You wouldn’t wanna see it, just a year of it, just to be like, “Ah…”? When we’re doing good, when it’s safe. Like when you let a baby drive a little bit, like… Not on a mountain. Not on a mountain. Just like… Like on a straight way, you just let him… “Ahhh! Okay!” No? All right, I guess I’m just more fun than you. But I agree, right now is not the time. We need too much help, man. People are out of work. This economy’s fucked up. I do agree with them there, the economy is fucked up. They say this economy’s getting better, but I don’t believe that shit. Because they’re starting to legalize marijuana everywhere. -Yeah! -Only when you’re down to your last dollar do you start thinking, “Yo, we should just start selling weed, because… I don’t know…” I don’t know how we’re gonna come up with China’s money.” They’re always trying to blame that shit on us, too, like we fucked up the economy. I was watching the news, some lady from the government was on there, she looked right in the camera and she was like, “We owe China $11 trillion.” I was like, “We?” “I don’t owe China shit.” “You owe China $11 trillion. We owe Sprint $90.” “So you must’ve been roaming. I don’t know how the fuck you…”

I think Hilary Clinton will win because she’s a white lady. White women take whatever the fuck they want. They took Brooklyn. I didn’t see that shit coming. Do you know how dangerous Brooklyn used to be before white women took that shit? Brooklyn used to be the scariest place in the world, man. I was terrified of it. I used to listen to rappers sing about that shit. They were so proud. “Don’t ever come to Brooklyn, I’ll fucking kill you if you ever walk through.” I’m like, “This is a dope song but I’m never going to Brooklyn.” I was terrified of Brooklyn. All of a sudden, a bunch of rich white girls from Seattle was like, “Brooklyn’s mines now,” and then they just owned it. Just took it. Just took the scariest part of my childhood. I don’t know how the fuck they did it. I think white girls killed Biggie. I think that was phase one. I think they shot Biggie and took Brooklyn away. White women just take whatever the fuck they want, man. I’ve seen it. You know what a white girl could do? A white girl could walk up to you drunk, she’ll be drunk, just walk right up to you at a bar and just take your hat off your head… -…put it on her head… …and then just walk the fuck off with your property. And that’s… That’s just how that shit went for you. Nothing you could do about it. She needs your hat. She needs your hat to dance. White girls need hats to dance. They can’t dance without a hat. They can’t dance without a hat and they can’t dance with their mouth closed. It’s just two things they can’t do. White girls don’t close their mouth when they dance. White girls dance like they can’t believe their legs are doing it. They take your hat. They’ll just take that shit. Doesn’t matter how gangster you think you are, they’ll take that shit. Don’t matter who you are. Don’t feel bad. Anybody. You ever seen a drunk white girl dancing around in a cop’s hat? You’re like, “How the fuck did you take a cop’s hat? He’s got a gun. How did you fucking take his hat?” Only white women get away with that shit. You ever seen a drunk black dude dancing around in a cop’s hat? “It’s my birthday!” “I wanna get your hat, my boy’s getting married!” We can’t pull that off, man. Black guys can’t pull that off. We’re not that fearless. We’re a little fearless but we’re not white-girl fearless. White women are fearless. They’re not scared of shit. White women rescue pit bulls for fun. They don’t give a fuck about nothing. Do you know how dangerous a pit bull is? If I seen a pit bull walk down the street, I wouldn’t walk down that street any more. A white girl would take that pit bull home, put a sweater on it… This dog used to win tournaments, now his name’s Nicole. He’s eating vegan treats out of some white lady’s hand. If I was president, I’d have an all white girl army. That’d be my first line of defense. ISIS? Send white women. I’d build a Trader Joe’s right in the middle of Syria. I would. Put up some Prosecco fountains. Give me two summers, ISIS would be the first terror organization forced out due to rent increase. I’d do it. I’d gentrify the fuck out of ISIS. Like, “ISIS is mines now.” “I live in downtown Syria.” “Syria used to be sketchy, but now it’s pretty chill.” “I got to Soul Cycle there.” “Give me your hat, Abdul, I wanna dance.” I don’t even know if white women know that shit. Do you realize how powerful you are? You never think about that. You have the power to gentrify a neighborhood. Do you know what the fuck that means? It means you can move into the worst neighborhoods in the world and they will increase in value just because of your presence. Do you know how rich I’d have to be to gentrify a white neighborhood? Impossibly. I’d have to be impossibly rich. My neighborhood got gentrified by baristas. I’m richer than a barista. I would love that. I would love to be able to gentrify a white neighborhood. Just move in and have them start building shit that I like. Just start selling cigarettes one at a time. Put bulletproof glass in all the restaurants. A lot of white people don’t know, but that happens to black neighborhoods. They put up bulletproof glass in all our dining establishments. They feed us like they feed shark. “Ah, take that chicken. Agh!”

I grew up poor. I grew up very poor. I grew up in a bad neighborhood. My mother did she best she could, man. We was broke. She was proud. She would never tell us that we was poor. She would just make it seem like our fault that we didn’t get the shit she couldn’t afford. Did anybody’s parents do that shit? I’d get a bad report card and she’d be like, “A D? Oh, you can forget about Christmas.” “It’s March! I think I got time to…” “Nope, no Christmas for you. 13 years in a row.” Like, “God damn!” Not any more. Now I’ve got a decent job. I live in a rich white neighborhood called Harlem. It’s amazing! I’ve got a black doorman. He’s so proud of me. He’s an old black man. He’s so fucking proud of me. When I walk in, he stands up and slow claps me. One single Morgan Freeman tear, like… “You did it, young brother.” I’m like, “Yeah, I made rent again. Okay. Thanks, Willy.” Remember that cat-calling video? Remember that shit that went viral? If you haven’t seen it, there was this white lady that videotaped herself… walking through Harlem for ten hours. She showed what happened. Black guys were yelling awful shit at her, like, “Hi.” “Hello.” Real nasty stuff. And, uh… I made fun of it because I’m from New York, like I said, and I remember when Harlem was Harlem and you couldn’t walk there for ten hours with a video camera… …and leave with your video camera. When she made it to the end of the video, I was like, “Wow, progress! Harlem’s gotten a lot better! White women are safe for up to ten hours. That’s amazing!” Should start buying in Harlem. I thought it was a tourism commercial. I got in trouble. I got in trouble for that shit. People were very upset. I became the poster child for cat-calling for some reason. Which is ridiculous because I’d never cat-call. I’d never cat-call. I think cat-calling is the dumbest, most humiliating thing in the world. I hate it. I don’t know who has the stomach for it, honestly. It’s really… It’s awful. Could you imagine? Do you know what it feels like to compliment a moving target? How humiliating that feels? “Ma’am, I just wanna tell you, you have the most beautiful eyes I ever… Okay.” You let that shit happen to you 10 to 15 times a day, you gonna start yelling, “Hey, titties!” too. That’s just frustrating. After a while, you just wanna know if your voice works. I don’t like cat-calling. I hate it. I don’t like the way it feels for me. I don’t like the way it makes women feel. Women, you know… are turned off by it. It’s creepy to them. It’s fucking creepy. They’ll tell you when that shit’s creepy, too. I hate to be called a creep. You ever been called a creep, Paul? Just for doing something creepy? Never? You’ve never been called a creep? You’ve never been on a train just staring at some lady’s sandals too long? Nothing creepy ever? Don’t feel bad. If you have, don’t feel bad. There’s nothing… I’m not… I’m not trying to down creeps. We need creeps. I’m not gonna pretend that creeps aren’t important. If it wasn’t for creeps, we wouldn’t know that milk is delicious. That’s not some shit you just stumble upon, all right? Some creep was standing in the farm watching some big-tittied cow walk by. He was like, “God damn!” “I don’t know about you boys, but I’m thirsty.” “I’m gonna suck that cow’s titty. Get that discharge.” That’s the creepiest motherfucker that ever lived, man. Came back to his friends with a big milk stache, like, “All right, hear me out. Just…” It’s frustrating to be called a creep because women are just as creepy as men. We just never bring that shit up. We never bring it up. To the point where you don’t even think you’re creepy. I’m serious. Women are looking at me like, “What the fuck you saying? Creepy? How so?” Women, you’re very creepy. Very. I work at a TV show and sometimes we’ll have, like, One Direction or Justin Timberlake on the show, and when they walk on stage, all the women in the audience do the same creepy shit. “Aghhh! Justin! Aghhh!” That’s weird. You’re an adult. Why are you screaming? That’s fucking creepy as hell. I can’t do that shit. If Beyonce comes out, I can’t be like, “Aghhh! Beyonce! Aghhh!” They’d taser me. They’d be like, “That creep’s gonna kill Beyonce. Get him out.” But I’m creepy. Because I watch porn on a subway. Who don’t watch porn? You watch porn, right? Nick watches porn! What’s your favorite porn category? Nick… What’s you’re favorite porn category, Nick? What kind of porn do you watch? What do you type in the box? What do you type in the search box? At least tell me that. What do you type? You gotta type something, Nick. You don’t go to a restaurant and say, “I’ll have the food.” -What do you type? -Lesbian. Lesbian? I don’t like lesbian porn. That’s the one porn I don’t like. Lesbian, really? I hate lesbian porn. For two reasons. One, I never know when it’s over. I don’t. They just… They just hug it out and we assume some shit happened. I need proof. I need proof in liquid form. Two… Two, there’s never any lesbians in it, Nick. Never. It’s just the same straight girls from straight porn. That’s how discriminated against lesbians are. They’re not even in their own porn. I don’t wanna live in a country like that, Nick. If I’m gonna watch lesbian porn, I wanna see actual lesbians. I wanna see a girl that looks like Lil Wayne have sex… …with a girl that looks like Allen Iverson. I wanna see something cool. I wanna learn a thing or two. -You know what I’m saying, Paul? You watch Christian porn or something? Instead of a blur over the genitals, it’s a fig leaf? So much tension just asking somebody what kind of porn you watch. It’s just sex, just video sex. If there was two people having sex right here, you wouldn’t be looking at me. It’s just sex. Why is that weird? If I asked you, “What’s your favorite horror movie?” nobody would bat an eye. Isn’t that crazy, that’s the way we live? As a society, that’s who we are? We can watch movies of people killing and dying and blood and gore. All that shit’s perfectly acceptable. But if I wanna watch two people make love, I gotta close my laptop because I’m disturbing the other passengers? Fuck you. Who’s really the sick one? Not me. But I’m the creep. Women watch love stories. I think that’s creepy as fuck. I don’t wanna watch two people fall in love. Urgh! I feel like I’m intruding. It’s uncomfortable. But I get it. Maybe that’s your fantasy. Maybe that’s what you wanna… Maybe you live through the characters. You’re like, “Someday that will be me, I’ll fall in love, it’ll be beautiful.” And that’s your fantasy. That’s why you watch that shit. I get it. But that’s not my fantasy, Nick. You know what’s my fantasy? I’m delivering pizza to a sorority… …and they can’t pay for it. Those are the kinds of movies I watch. I was watching a bunch of inter-racial porno for Black History Month. I wondered, who’s the first black dude in an inter-racial porno and why don’t we know his name as the bravest motherfucker in civil rights history? Do you know how dangerous that was, to fuck white women on tape in the 50s? Jackie Robinson got death threats, he just played baseball with white people. Could you imagine what that n*gga went through? He should be on every stamp. But we’re creeps. Because we watch porn. Women do creepier shit than that. Women have sex toys. You know what I’m saying? Sex… Like, toys that they have sex with. You get what I’m saying, Nick? Remember when you was a kid and you used to play with toys? They fuck their toys, dude. Adult women. And not like a whole toy dude. No, no, no. Just a severed penis toy. They fuck a severed penis toy. But we’re the creeps. I know there’s sex toys for men, but we can’t actually buy one and have it and let you find it. And then explain it. “Well, you know, it’s really hard to meet people, but…” “But a boy’s got his needs. Am I right? So I stick my dick in this rubber Pringles can. Anyhoo… You said you’re a Virgo? That’s cool. Who was… What’s Mom like?” They don’t stop there. We never make fun of them. They can fuck whatever they want, we don’t judge them, we don’t call them creeps. They go fuck all the toys, shower heads, washing machines… carrots, cucumber, we don’t give a fuck. Yeah, vegetables. You ever had a salad? They’ll fuck what goes in a salad. You get what I’m trying to say? That’s why they don’t cat-call. That’s why they don’t have to be creepy. They can fuck salad. You don’t gotta cat-call when you can fuck salad. You think if there was a vegetable that felt exactly like a vagina, we would ever talk to you? No, man, we’d be too busy farming. Every dude in here would be in overalls. Like, “When is this show over? My crop’s coming in.” “I’m growing some lesbians.” You on a date? You sure? -Are you single? -Yes. You like red lobster? Why did you nudge her? You took her side over me? Really, motherfucker? I thought we was friends, Nick. I thought me, you and Paul had a thing going, man. Thought we were gonna go to a strip club after this maybe. Me, the whitest guy I’ve ever seen and Christian Paul. We are gonna go to the strip club after this. We are. I like to go to strip clubs. The most fun I ever had at a strip club… Hustler! It was in Baltimore, Maryland. To give you an idea what these girls looked like, I walked in with $50 in singles… and walked out with $47 in singles.

Good night! Thank you so much! Good night!


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