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Matt Rife: Matthew Steven Rife | Transcript

Matthew Rife's special blends edgy humor with personal stories, touching on relationships, identity, and societal norms, ending with a tribute to his late grandfather
Matt Rife: Matthew Steven Rife

In his second hour-long comedy special, “Matthew Stephen Rife,” Matthew Rife presents a candid, often provocative performance, unrestrained by network or studio involvement. This self-produced show reflects Rife’s intimate connection with his audience, evidenced by his first YouTube-released special, “Only Fans.” Rife’s humor traverses a wide range of topics, including his personal life, societal observations, and playful yet edgy commentary on relationships, identity, and sexuality. A recurring theme is his humorous appreciation for gay men, along with a tongue-in-cheek lament about his straight identity. He shares anecdotes about his family, notably a comically risqué story involving his grandfather and unconventional Christmas gifts, which elicits both shock and laughter from the audience.

Rife doesn’t shy away from addressing potentially contentious issues like dating, red flags in relationships, and the intricacies of navigating modern sexual dynamics. His commentary extends to broader societal topics, including political correctness, cancel culture, and the complexities of identity politics, all delivered with his characteristic irreverence. Rife balances his edgier material with self-awareness and a clear intention not to cause harm, instead aiming to find humor in life’s absurdities. The special culminates in a poignant tribute to his late grandfather, revealing a tender and heartfelt dimension to Rife’s persona. This blend of raw humor and genuine emotion defines Rife’s style, making the special a reflection of his unique comedic voice.

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Hey, what’s up, everybody? Welcome to my second hour special, “Matthew Stephen Rife”: Yet Another Special Made for You Guys by You Guys.” No streaming service, network, studio behind it, just another product for you guys to enjoy. If you caught my first special, “Only Fans,” again available on YouTube, then you understand how important your support is to me and how I want to give that right back to you. And this product does exactly that. It’s my favorite body of work yet. It’s very important to me. I think by the end of watching it, you’re going to understand why. So, if you enjoy it half as much as I enjoyed making it for you, hit like, subscribe, comment, share with your friends, all that good stuff, so I can continue to make more for you.

Let’s see who gets offended.

[Music]

[Applause]

Thank you! Oh, my God, Austin, what the fuck is up? How is everybody? Good? Let’s go! Oh, my God, thank you guys so much for coming out. This is so cool. It means the absolute world. Thank you, guys.

Ah, just checking you all out. This is fun. This is good. Gay? One for one, baby. Let’s go, let’s go! Oh, it’s the energy I was looking for. Thank goodness, man. Oh, my God, thank you so much for coming out twice. I appreciate that. It’s very brave, very great.

I’ll be honest with you, I wish my entire crowd was gay, man, to be honest. It’s just an energy you want to be around, you know what I mean? I’ve never met a gay dude in a bad mood, not once. I’ve been so jealous of gay men lately. You have no idea. That’s what I’m talking about, man. I’ve been so jealous, man. It looks like a good time going on over there. I wish I was gay, for the fitness or the fashion alone. Are you kidding me? Oh, my God, I’m straight, but I’d love to be in gay shape, you know what I mean? You ever meet a gay dude? They’re in great shape, every fucking time, man. It’s so impressive. Gay dudes stay in the gym. That’s the guy’s name, Jim. They just stay in there. They’re just turning it out, burning calories, dog. It’s dedication. You better respect it. That’s next-level fitness, bro. That’s that level of in shape, like, you could fight off another grown man if you wanted to. You know, that’s up to you. You put in the work. Top or bottom, that’s you, dog. That’s your prerogative.

God, if they’re not fucking shredded, they fucking dress impeccably. You guys look fantastic. Oh, my God. I don’t know if you guys know this, but gay men have a stranglehold on the fashion game. They are killing shit bro. Nobody in this world dresses better than gay men. You better respect it. It’s pretty impressive. I mean, you spend enough time in the closet, you’re bound to find something, you know. He goes… boots! Love it.

Oh, man. Exhausted, man. We’ve been traveling a lot this year. It’s been very exciting. It’s one of the most fun parts about the job. Obviously, it’s a little taxing as well. I got a chance to go home recently. I’m originally from Ohio. I don’t know if anybody’s ever made that mistake. I never go home. I left 10 years ago, after high school, and that’s about it, man. I go home maybe once or twice a year. I’ll go home for Christmas or something like that, you know. I’ll go home for the holidays. I don’t mind that as much because whenever I go home for Christmas, I stay with my grandpa, and I love my grandpa to death. He’s probably the closest person to me in my family. And I love staying with him because whenever I’m not there, he lives by himself.

My grandpa has lived alone for like 15 years. It’s been single 15 years. Hasn’t been on a date in 15 years. As you can imagine, carpal tunnel is on its way. And because he’s lived alone for so long, he’s kind of become this crotchety, grumpy old man. He doesn’t like anything or anybody. He complains all day long. You all know an old person like this. He’s always the hardest person to shop for, for Christmas, every year.

So, two years ago, it’s mid-December, right? I’m at my place in L.A., I’m getting ready to go home, you know, finishing up all my online shopping. And it gets down to him. Every year, I’m sitting there, just racking my brain, I’m like, “What the fuck do I get this dude?” He doesn’t like anything. He doesn’t like anybody. He doesn’t have anybody.

So, I bought him a pocket pussy. Normally, I would be like, “Does anybody not know what a pocket pussy is?” But this is Sixth Street; y’all be fucking banana peels, whatever y’all can find out here. Y’all in no position to judge my family, okay?

Bro, I just wish y’all could have been there to see him open it on Christmas morning because we all thought he was gonna be like, “What the fuck is this shit?” He was like, “Thank you.” This is exactly what I needed.” I was like, “It’s a flashlight, not a Purple Heart, dog. Relax, okay? Stop feeling so honored.”

He loved it, man. So obviously, Christmas is a good time. And then we fast forward a little bit. Now, we fast forward to that following February, and I hadn’t spoken to my grandpa since Christmas. So, I call him up. “Steve, Stephen, what’s up, man? How you doing? I love you. I miss you. My Christmas was fun. It’s always good to spend the holidays with you, you know. How was it?”

And there was just a silence on his end of the phone. I was like, “Are you using it right now? Like, fucking answer me, dog. Like, what’s the review, you know? I’m interested.” He gets all defensive, and I’ll never forget these words for as long as I live. He goes, “No, no, no, no, no. I, uh, I broke her neck.”

There is so much to unpack in that one sentence. First of all, “her”? You gave it a pronoun; now it’s real. Second, “neck”? That’s not even what it is. And third, you broke it, dog? How hard are you going? Fucking 15 years, you forget how to be a gentleman?

So, we laughed on the phone for a couple of hours, and then now we fast forward to the following Christmas. This is last Christmas. Again, same time of year, going home, finishing up shopping, gets down to him. So now, I’m really struggling. I’m like, “What the fuck do I get this dude this year?” Like, how do I possibly top what I did last year, you know? Clearly, he enjoyed it, and now my man hasn’t had pussy since at least February. So, uh, I doubled down. Got him another one. I got him two pocket pussies, two Christmases in a row. I’m grandson of the decade, easily.

Only, well, you know, obviously, I was a little bit more aware of what it was going to be put through this time around. I had to find it more and more durable, right? You know, something with a stronger neck. Now, I’m out here trying to find a pocket pussy with traps, trying to find my Papaw a trap queen for Christmas. And I– fuck… I couldn’t find exactly what I was looking for. I was so mad. And then, I think I found the next best thing. I found this other pocket pussy that I’ve never seen anything like it. It was remarkable. It came with– it was like so souped up, it came with all these, like attachments and pieces… It was like a Swiss Army pussy. It had a compass, a can opener, and it doubles as a canteen if you’re lost in the woods, I guess.

But by far, the best attachment this thing came with was that, like, if you… if you… like, let’s say… you fucked this side of it, right? Like, this is the entrance. This side of it is a suction cup. The idea being, you can fucking put it on walls and shit, if you need to. I don’t know, switch positions, work your legs, you know, whatever it is, feel like you need it added to your repertoire, you know?

And I got it for him, thinking like, “Yo, this is so creative.” You know, now my man’s got free roam in the house. You know, he’s not bed-bound, beating his dick like a pilgrim. He’s got options, you know what I mean? So, I was excited for him. But now, I’m fucking terrified to go home this Christmas, and there’s just gonna be chunks of drywall missing all around the house, waist level. “Doing a bit of remodeling, are we?” His house looks like a mid-demo project. Like, “Ah damn, Papaw, you literally fucked from the window to the wall.”

[Applause]

So, dick sucked down the hall. Oh, Steve, Steve, Steve, Steve. He’s disgusting… but he’s funny, man. He’s very funny. I called him about a month ago, and I told him I was gonna start telling this story on stage because it’s 100% true. And I think the world should know that. And he’s got such a good sense of humor, man. He was joking with me back. He was like, “You keep telling people that story, I’m gonna leave it to you in my will.”

Which I think would be fucking hilarious. I told him, “Yo, you should do that, because I’ll fucking, I’ll put your ashes in it, name it Ashley, and then I’ll fuck it. Just kind of keep it in the family, you know what I mean?” Just from generation to generation, just so he can meet his great-grandkids, you know. Just, guys, it’s called cremation, grow up, okay? Grow up.

[Applause]

It’s not your grandpa, and my grandpa’s funny, man. You guys would like him. You can judge them if you want to. At least he got somebody. It’s hard. It’s hard to find your person, isn’t it? Dating’s hard. It’s a very cliche topic. Every comedian talks about how hard dating is, but yeah, it’s a relatable subject. Something everybody goes through. You know, it definitely gets harder depending on where you live. Like I said, I live in L.A. now. It’s the fucking worst, bro. There are no good people. Bunch of fucking heathens running around. Nobody’s going to heaven. Not one person. City of Angels? No angels. It’s depressing, man. It’s so depressing, getting let down every time. Like, I just expect it at this point. Every first date I go on, as soon as I sit down, I’m like, “Alright, bitch, what is it? Ask me what my sign is. I dare you. I’ll split this check so fucking fast. I swear to God. Oh, you’re a Pisces? Awesome. Yeah, charge it to her crystals. They were in the moon all night last night. Clearly, that should stop.”

I’m so fucking tired of hearing about astrology. I swear to God. It’s all y’all care about. I’ve stopped sending dick pics and just started sending my star chart, to be honest. It’s getting me so much further. So much further.

[Applause]

I hate it so much, man. I have so many red flags now, bro, and no patience. That’s the main thing. It’s like, I’ve been let down so many times. Like now, if I see something that triggers a red flag in me, I’m gone. I’m not gonna wait around to be inevitably let down, you know what I mean? It’s a waste of time. And I’ve got so many red flags. So, there are some that I want to get off my chest, and I think maybe we’ll find some common ground. Maybe you’ll think I’m crazy, but I think it’s worth finding out. And we’ll start slow. We’ll ease our way into it. We’re gonna start with red flag number one. And just a disclaimer, this one is not going to be the funniest one, but I do think it’s going to resonate with the most amount of people here.

Red flag number one is when she had… that… That [ __ ] is red flag number one. Girls who don’t drink enough water, that’s what it is. Red flag number one is when she has another guy in her life who is consistently trying to sleep with her, and she refuses to acknowledge this. This is good. It’s gonna cause a lot of fights in the car ride home. It’s my favorite one. You clapping, you had a… you had an argument recently…

Like I said, this isn’t the funniest one, but every dude in here in a relationship right now knows the guy in his girl’s life that he’s like, “fuck that dude. I’ll kill him tomorrow.” It’s so obvious to us, right? As the boyfriend, that shit is clear as day. We can spot it from a mile away. Usually, at the beginning of the relationship, we’ll clock it. We’ll pull you aside. “Hey, babe, I know you hang out with so-and-so, and that’s fine. You’re a grown woman. You can do whatever you want. I’m not controlling or anything. But just so you know, that dude’s trying to fuck you.”

And women will always have the exact same naive reaction. “Babe, come on. Are you serious? Him? You’re worried about him? He’s literally like my best friend. Like, he’s literally like a brother to me.”

“Word? Oh, that’s your brother? Oh, I didn’t realize what kind of PornHub family tree you were associated with, but shut it down, okay? He’s not your friend. He’s not your brother. He wants to enter your body holes. End of story. Okay?”

Ladies, you have to understand. The reason we are so passionate about bringing this to your attention is not because we think you’re stupid. It’s not because we don’t trust you. It’s that you’re being taken advantage of. You’re hanging out with somebody who’s lying about their intentions so they can weasel their way into your life. That’s not a real friend. That’s some shady shit to do. So, we’re just trying to point out something that’s happening under your nose, so hopefully, you can be aware of it and put a stop to it. I promise you, we are coming at it with good intentions. And you still want to get mad at us and act like we’re the crazy ones making this shit up. “Oh, that is so ridiculous. Why would a guy go through all that trouble and pretend to be my friend just to sleep with me?” Okay, I don’t know, but I’ve done it so many times. How do you think I got you, stupid? Come on. Oh, my God, knuckle buddy! No, nobody has been a better friend than me. Are you kidding me?

That’s why dudes can spot the shit ’cause fucking game recognizes game, you know what I mean? He’ll do some shady shit and we’re like, “fucking, good move. That’s what shit I would have done. You know, fuck you, but respect.”

He is not your friend, ladies. And if you really do treat him like your best friend, oh, that’s so much worse because if you treat him like your best friend, that means you’ve gone to him with all of your secrets, all of your problems. He knows everything you like, everything you don’t like. You’ve probably complained to him about everything your boyfriend does wrong. So now, this motherfucker has all the Infinity Stones to become the perfect guy for him. So, when you and your boyfriend finally break up, who do you go running to? Me. And I’ve been waiting for this moment, boy, weeks, months, maybe years. I’ve been waiting for this exact opportunity, bro.

I’ve been putting in work, too. I’ve been sending you memes in the morning. I’ve been texting you, “How’s your day going?” I don’t give a fuck about your day. Are you stupid? It’s about my day. I care about my day. Come on, man. It’s about patience. All I’ve had to do is play it cool and stay in the game long enough, and wait for the day that you come banging on my door, crying your eyes out. And I just have to play stupid, like, “Whoa, whoa, wait, why are you crying? He says he doesn’t trust me? It’s crazy. Y’all broke up? Oh my God, I am so sorry. Oh, some dudes are so insecure. Oh my God.”

He’s not your fucking friend. Stop falling for his shit, ladies, I’m trying to tell you.

Oh my God!

Shut up.

[Applause]

Now, I understand this is the part of the red flag that I’m sure a lot of the women in the audience are thinking, “Well, Matt, what about the reverse? How about when a guy has a girlfriend? What about that?” And I hear you. Look, ladies, you can be – look, a guy can have a girl that is just a friend. No, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen. I’ll wait. You, as a girl, can be just a friend to a guy, but it means you’re ugly. I’m sorry, I know you don’t want to hear it, but you are just a homie with a ponytail. I don’t know what else to tell you, man. Men and women can be just friends, but one of y’all fucking busted. Okay? Somebody’s ugly. Or maybe both of you are ugly. In which case you should be fucking anyways. That’s why it’s called bumping uglies.

Like I said, it’s not the funniest one, but you got some thinking to do. Red flag number two: She cannot have any distinct physical features. I’ll explain. Nobody feel targeted. And before you get mad at me, I’m not even the shallow one in this red flag, by the way. It’s my fucking friends, because all of my friends are Black, and they will roast you within an inch of your life if you have anything prominent about your face that stands out at all. They have cost me so many potential relationships.

I was seeing this girl last summer. I thought maybe she was the one, man. She was fucking beautiful. She was smart, funny, didn’t know her dad. She was new to town. She had just moved to L.A. from Austin a couple of months before I met her. Like, very, very sweet, innocent girl, right? We were hanging out for a while. We went on a handful of dates, and everything was going great. Until, just a couple of dates in, I was hanging out with a bunch of my friends of mine who I hadn’t seen in a while. So, you know, we’re hanging out, catching up, and they’re grilling me about, you know, what’s going on, what’s new, you seeing anybody? And I was so proud and excited to be seeing this new girl. So, you know, I broke out her Instagram. I was like, “That’s her.”

And my friends immediately were like, “Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh!” Which is Black for, “I’m about to hurt your feelings, bro.” They roasted this poor girl for, like, 90 minutes. Did I laugh? Yeah, but fuck those dudes. I’m not gonna stop hanging out with her over it, you know? I didn’t. We kept hanging out. We went on a few more dates until our last date, man.

We were at dinner, and she just laid it out there. She was like, “You know what, Matt? I’m having a really nice time with you, and I think it’s time we take this relationship to the next level. And we need to start incorporating our friends into our hangouts, you know? I need to meet your friends. You need to meet my friends. We’ll all hang out together, see if our friend groups get along, you know?”

And I was like, “Uh, why? You know, why are you trying to rush things? You know, I’m having such a good time getting to know you.”

She’s like, “No, it’s important that our friends get along.”

And I was like, “No, I hear you. I just don’t… I don’t think it’s such a good idea.”

And she started to get really upset. She was like, “And why not?”

And I was like, “Because we have the same chin.”

She was like, “What?”

I was like, “You have like a cleft chin. Like how I have. It’s very strong. It’s a very masculine facial feature. And like, I think it’s cute, obviously, but not everybody does.”

She was like, “What are you trying to say?”

I was like, “My friends are going to roast you. They’re gonna make fun of the way you look. I’m sorry. It’s just how they are.”

“Oh, that is so childish. Like, what are they gonna say? That I have like a butt chin? Ooh, so original. Like, I’ve heard it all before, babe.”

“And I was like, ‘Nooo, you haven’t.’ I don’t know how many Black friends you have, but this is kind of what they do. Okay? Do you know that they call you the Texas Chinsaw Massacre? Did you know that?”

That was just off the top. She was so offended. “Oh, that is so rude. Is that all they know about me, is what I look like?”

I was like, “No, they know you just moved here from Texas to be a chinfluencer, they said?”

And now I miss her, man…

I know. She was my little Chinderella… So stupid.

I appreciate you wearing your best shorts. I know it’s hot outside. Like, this is still an event, you know what I mean? He’s like, “I know, I’m going to a comedy show, but just in case there’s a trampoline.”

Didn’t even try. You mowing the grass after this? God damn, man. Whatever, it’s not your night. You’re right. Pressure’s on me.

Red flag number three. Yeah, there’s more. Red flag number three: A big red flag for me is if I don’t have anything in common, like hobby-wise, with somebody. Like, it’s such a necessary relationship trait to have. I think it’s so easy to be physically attracted to somebody, obviously. It’s everyone’s first instinct. But I think if you want longevity in a relationship, you have to have that extra layer of compatibility, right? You have to want to do things together. I think, like, a big red flag for me is if a girl doesn’t go to the gym. And that’s just because it’s a very big part of my life. I love going. I go every day. I’m a very big advocate of going to the gym and working out. And it’s so good for your health, not just your physical but your mental health as well. Get your endorphins going, get some of that stress relief out of you, you know.

But I do acknowledge that it’s not for everybody. It’s intimidating for some people who don’t go every day, and I try to be cognizant of that and try to help out the best I can. Like, there may be some people in here right now, or maybe watching at home, that want to get started and just don’t know how to take that first step. And if there is anybody out there, I highly recommend the program I just started about six months ago that changed my life forever. And that program is where I only work out with Black dudes exclusively. Because Black dudes will push you to your limits, whether you want to or not.

I started about six months ago, man. I was in the gym one day, I was having a bad day, I was stressed about something, I was angry about something. And I was like, “Man, fuck this. I’m gonna use this negative as a positive. I’m gonna use this aggression, I’m gonna put up some weight.” And I’ll say it was chest day, so I was like, “fuck it, I’m gonna hit a new max on the bench press.” So I go in there, put the lighter weights on first, get loosened up, get warm, you know, then you gotta put on the heavier stuff. And when you do that, you’re supposed to have a, um, a spotter, so you don’t die. And I didn’t know anybody in there at the time. Closest person to me was this Black dude next to me. So I walked over, I was like, “Hey man, would you mind spotting me for this set real quick?” And he was like, “Yeah, I got you.” I was like, “I feel like you do. Everything about your voice is safe. I feel like I can lift the world now. Okay, come on.”

So we go over to the bench together. He gets behind the rack in the spot position. He’s ready. I lay down, and I’m trying to psych myself up, get in the zone, line up my hands, get a good grip. And finally, I just get it off the rack. I get one rep in. Oh! I get two reps in. I hit a third, my arms start shaking, and he can see this. So like any good spotter, he has some words of encouragement. I’m trying not to die, and this man just gets in my ear.

“Do that shit! Do that shit! You ain’t nothing!”

I was like, “I don’t know, man. I’m getting kind of tired.”

He was like, “My people been tired.”

I was like, “God damn, I’m sooorry.”

It was only like 255, you had white guilt on top, that’s like 500 pounds, man. I was like, “Is this pre-workout or a history lesson? What are we doing, dog?”

I racked that shit up. I was like, “I appreciate you, man. I was struggling at the end.”

He was like, “You don’t know struggle.”

Fuck man, can’t have anything.

So, that’s my new routine. Whenever somebody’s like, “You look good, Matt. You on a diet?” I’m like, “Yeah, it’s called White Watchers. You should try it. It’s when black people watch white people struggle. You will sweat, I promise you.”

This is one of the whitest crowds I’ve ever seen in my entire life. Bro, I’m uncomfortable. You know, there’s so… Is this a comedy show or a meeting? God Damn! Oh my gosh. I’m sorry.

Um, we could try something different. This could be fun, or it could be a fucking nightmare, but I think we can have fun.

Um, so the thing is, it’s like, I could do red flags for hours, right? And they can be funny. We could all laugh, have a guaranteed good time, but who wants to do that? So, and a lot of times, I don’t like to do a lot of red flags because it is very male to female, you know? It’s listing things that men don’t like about women, and I don’t want that to be unfair, one-sided, or sexist. So, to even it out, sometimes I am genuinely curious. Like, for the women in the audience, what might be some red flags for a guy if you go on a date with them? He says or does this, that makes you kind of be like, “Oh, I don’t know.”

I’m gonna go balcony. I’m gonna go balcony. What is it? Is it a good one? Splitting the check? Okay, splitting the check. Um, on a first date? He asked in the beginning of the date? Towards the middle? Oh, you were boring. In the middle? “Can I get you anything?” “Yeah, two checks. Two checks would be alright. Yeah, yeah.”

So, where did you say you were from? How recently was this? Five months ago? Okay, and you’re still upset… Um, so hold on, where did you go to eat? What is it? The Gin and Temple? What is that?

[Applause]

Rude. What kind of restaurant is that?

Yeah, yeah, catfish and steak.

[Music]

It’s like a Roadhouse, an expensive Roadhouse. Okay, well, yeah, I mean, maybe did you like him until that moment? Did you like him?

[Applause]

I’m curious. Until he asked to split the check, were you like, “This is going good?” You were…

Fuck.

Did you sleep with him?

Wow. Oh my God. He split you and the check in one night!

[Applause]

Oh my God.

[Applause]

Did he leave a big tip?

That was an unnecessary detail. Would did you say?

He was sweaty after? Yeah, my man was putting in work. That’s just… That’s good… I think.

Well, I’m sorry you got half of a meal.

All right, well, one for one. What’s another fun one?

 Do you have a fun one? What is it?

This is going to get cancelable. Let’s do it. So, you said it when he says he’s on hormone therapy, but he’s just fucking jacked.

So, hormone therapy, what’s that supposed to do? Balance it out, basically?

So, what he says, he has too much like natural testosterone. He doesn’t have enough.

Okay. How long have you been seeing this man?

25 years.

[Applause]

What? Where’d you meet him?

You met him when you were kids.

So, he tells you he’s going on hormone therapy to get more testosterone, but you think he’s on steroids, you know?

So, did you find them? Could you get me some? Thank you. I’m trying to get in gay shape, dog. Let’s go. I’m taking all the shortcuts.

You did find some. Was it a needle or a pill?

[Applause]

She said she thinks he is in gay shape. The plot thickens. Oh my God, this is the bigger red flag now. He has his workout buddies.

Do you have a picture of him? I want to see what his gaydar says about… Oh, God damn it. The phones are locked up.

God damn, your phone isn’t a hormone blocker. God damn it. Okay, after the show, I want to see this. Yeah, that’s a valid red flag. You don’t want somebody who’s lying about an obvious appearance thing. Like, if you’re clearly on steroids, just open up, it’s fine. It’s fine to do it, if that’s the body you want and the life you want to live. You chicken fucking can do that. It’s fine, as long as you can still get your dick up, you’re fine. If you can’t, then it’s not okay. Stop what you’re doing immediately.

Okay…

Let’s unlock her phone.

Can we unlock her phone?

[Applause]

Okay, okay, okay, okay. Bro, what if it’s just a picture of me? Oh my God, that’s it. That’s what you unlock them with, that fucking flying saucer. Can I see your phone? There we go, pass it over. Oh, this is great. This better be worth it. There we go, pass that back, there we go. I just gotta see a picture of this guy, and then I want to see what you think. I want to test this gaydar. Let’s go.

Ah, damn bro. He had the traps that my grandpa’s pocket wishes it had.

[Applause]

Why is his neck so big? Oh my God, this looks so unsure. Okay, resident gay, what are we thinking? What are we thinking?

What is it?

The pose? He’s gay? Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding!

Any excuse to drink, go ahead!

[Applause]

Let’s go. Whenever we out again an angel gets his wings. This is good, this is good, everybody knows that.

Okay, two for two, good about to see. All right, that was good. We’re gonna do one more for an even three. I don’t know if you can top that, but what’s a more fun one?

College baseball? Oh man, you’ve been fingered in a dorm for sure. Okay, good. Oh, okay, all righty, let’s dive into this. All right, all right. So, who went pro and didn’t take you with him? Who was it?

[Applause]

All right, what is it that you don’t like about college baseball players?

The ego of playing a collegiate sport at a high level? You can’t be proud about that? The seventh pitcher on the team? I love how you’re clowning them for that, but Loki you fucked with the seventh pitcher on the scene… Your pussy is the ball pen, do you know that? Strike one.

Is it just an ego thing? That’s the only thing you don’t like about it? Because he could just be proud to be playing a sport. I loved playing high school sports. I didn’t get to play at a college level, but I would have been very excited to.

Oh, you never… You never fucked him? Damn, you couldn’t even fuck the seventh pitcher on the baseball team? Damn, strike two!

Oh my gosh, where did you go to school?

You didn’t go to school? You didn’t go to college? Strike three, bitch!

[Applause]

Oh my God, that could not have gone better. I could not have gone better. Oh my God.

Have you tried Little League?

For the Love of the Game. Come on, guys.

Okay, well that was fun. It’s a fun portion. No more crowd work. Nobody else yell out anything. That chapter is done. That’s fun, that’s fun. I like doing that portion of the show because it’s like, obviously, I come out here, I list all these red flags and their standards that I’ve set for myself. But it’s nice to know where other people draw the line. You know, what are some other people’s red flags? Is it something that could apply to me? There’s a lot of self-reflecting that I think people need to do more often, especially when you’re single. If you’re single, use that time to do some self-reflection. Think about the kind of shit you like. I went through a horrible breakup at the beginning of this last year, and I thought it was such a low moment. I was like, this is such a lull in my life, nothing positive is going to come out of this. But I did some thinking, and it made me realize so much about myself, made me think about the standards I wanted to set. But it also made me think about how much I fucking hate being single. This shit is so trash. It’s so trash. People over-hype the fuck out of being single, don’t they? Especially the freedom aspect of it. As soon as you’re single again, all your friends are like, “Oh, you can go sleep with whoever you want.” No, you can’t. No, you couldn’t before. Why could you now all of a sudden? The factor of being single, to me, I don’t like. I don’t like sleeping with a bunch of different people anyways, because I don’t like… That’s not fun.

[Applause]

That’s not fun, man. I don’t… I don’t like inconsistent feedback. My ego can’t handle it, dog. I’m too fickle. Okay, I need to know where I stand sexually at all times. Okay, that’s the best part of any long-term relationship. If you’ve been together long enough, you probably have pretty good sexual chemistry. That’s why you stuck around. You like what they like, they like what you like, messes pretty well. The relationship that I ended earlier this year, that was the best part about it. We stayed together months after we should have, just because we had that sexual chemistry. It’s a hard spark to walk away from. It’s fun, makes you feel good about yourself, you know. I was getting my ego stroked daily. Like, how the fuck do you walk away from that? It’s so much fun. I knew with this girl, there was like a certain position I could put her in, and if I hit her with like the right move, just bow, then like, she couldn’t handle that. Like, it was too much dick for her. She was like, “Oh, my stomach.” And I’m like, “Shut up. It is not in your stomach with your shallow guts. Whatever.” I should call her.

Don’t call the ex, don’t do it. Don’t fall for it because sexual chemistry will make you ignore all the other red flags, the… you should be paying attention to. Like my ex and I, we had great sexual chemistry, but our communication was… terrible. We could never talk anything out. If there was ever a point that I needed to get across to her, I would just have to like finger her in Morse code. The next day, my boys are like, “How’d the talk go?” I’m like, “It was terrible. This… just sat back and rolled her eyes at me the whole time.” Luckily, I can read lips.

[Applause]

Hate it. But you know, single again, back to the streets. Now I just gotta have sex with all these women I don’t want to do. I don’t want to do it. I’d rather be in a relationship personally, but somebody had fucking other plans. And I want y’all to think about that the next time you’re about to chastise a dude for being a fuck boy. Like, “Oh, you just a… boy, you out here sleeping with all these girls, you don’t even want to be in a relationship, you’re just a fuck boy.” Maybe he’s not a fuck boy, maybe he’s sad. Maybe behind every fuck boy is a man who once loved too much. Okay, or maybe that’s exactly what a fuck boy would say. TBD.

But while I’m single, I’m trying to use this time to be self-reflective, work on myself, think about what are some of the red flags I bring to the table. Is there something I could be working on? And a major one, a major red flag for me that’s been brought to my attention that I didn’t realize was as big of a deal as it is, and it’s, you know, in relation to the climate we live in today, and that red flag is that apparently, I’m not very PC. I’m not very politically correct. So, I don’t know if that term made it down here yet or not. Y’all, y’all don’t seem to give a fuck.

So, and when I say that, I just mean like, I’m not one of those people who tries so fucking hard to like prove how woke, what a good person I am, because that shit comes across as so disingenuous and corny to me. Like, you’re clearly pandering so hard. You can be a good person without it being your entire fucking personality, you know what I mean? So exhausting, man. As long as, as long as you know your heart’s in the right place, you’re doing the best that you can, you don’t need to prove yourself on Twitter every fucking day. And obviously, I’m referencing the extremes, these like woke internet warriors or whatever you want to call these fucking losers, who spend their whole life trying to cancel people on the internet. That shit pisses me off so much because they’re ruining, they’re ruining a good agenda. Cancel culture is not necessarily a bad thing. I get what they’re trying to do, is eradicate negativity in the world and get rid of some bad, toxic shit, and we do need that. But a lot of that gets lost in translation when they carry it out because they themselves are such bitches dog. Oh my God, bro.

And that drives me insane because I’m, I’m on their side. I hate the same shit they hate. Off the top of my mind, I can think of, um, homophobia. Homophobia is a massive pet peeve of mine because it doesn’t fucking affect you, who somebody else loves has nothing to do with you. And oh, and it is always the ugliest fucking dude who’s the most homophobic, isn’t it? The most toothless motherfucker from Corpus Christi.

[Applause]

“I’m, I’m not with that gay shit.” They’re not with you either, bro. Have you met a gay guy? They’re handsome. They’re in good shape. They can fuck your girl so fast. Okay, be thankful they took a competitor off the board. I hate it so much, man. There’s such a pain in the ass. And as, as you can imagine, you all have the internet, it makes our job incredibly difficult. Nope, nobody’s allowed to joke about anything anymore. Everyone wants to complain about every joke ever told. That’s so frustrating because, I mean, no, you guys have been here the whole show, you know I have a pretty fucked up sense of humor. Like, I love dark shit. Like, the darker the better, to me. I love that so much.

Keep that same energy. Like, I love fucked up stuff, but again, I’m okay making those jokes because I know my heart’s in the right place. And even though I acknowledge that that sense of humor isn’t for everybody, I’m okay with that because I don’t need to impress everybody. The same way you wouldn’t try to be friends with everybody, right? You’ll find your people as your life progresses. So, it’s like, yeah, I might get in trouble, or yeah, some people might not like the jokes that I tell, but I’m going to tell the jokes that I want to tell, and hopefully, my audience will gravitate towards that, and we can all get along and have a fucking cool friendship, you know.

And it gets tricky sometimes. I’ll do jokes that a lot of people wouldn’t want to tell or don’t want to listen to. Sometimes, like, you know, sometimes I’ll do jokes about trans people because it’s funny sometimes. Not in a disrespectful way, it’s never disrespectful. I’m just making light of a situation so we can all laugh rather than be touchy and upset. That’s all it is. And this is what’s so funny: the energy in the room is exactly what I’m talking about. Subject matter is what triggers people. I haven’t even said the joke yet. All I’ve said was “trans people,” and everybody in here got a tigh asshole. Everybody, not you guys, but everybody else, everybody else tightened the fuck up. The special is presented by poppers. If you don’t know what poppers are, get you some gay friends. Change your life.

[Applause]

But that’s what I’m talking about. All I did was say a trigger word, and people are automatically already uncomfortable. You guys are worried about being canceled just being in the room. Like, it’s so funny to me because the jokes that I tell, they’re never disrespectful. They’re always with the utmost respect. It’s… I never want to hurt anybody’s feel… They’re just jokes, just to say some goofy shit make the world laugh, that’s all. And people will still come up after the show saying the same angry rant every time. Just fucking “You… you cannot make jokes about trans people. What they’re going through is so incomparable, and you can’t imagine how hard their life is, and the shit that they have to go through. Therefore, you cannot make jokes about trans people.” And I hear you, I hear you loud and clear. But… the point that you’re trying to make is, you’re saying I can’t make jokes about somebody because of how hard their life is. And you are making very valid points, that I don’t know how hard that life is. I imagine it is tremendously harder than my life. I can’t imagine how hard that is to go through, and I wish you the best of luck.

But… at the same time, to retort that argument, you also don’t have the hardest life. You know who has life way harder than trans people, that we never talk about? People on wheelchairs. Think about it comparatively, people in wheelchairs have a much harder life. Do they complain about it? No. We gave them a couple of ramps and kept it pushing. We fucking… Look, somebody– some people are gonna think this is an insensitive comparison. I think it’s a step in the right direction personally. I think if we want to head towards trans equality, we fucking start with better parking, you know? It’s the least we could do. I don’t know where we’d put them, we can’t assign them anything. Just joking, just joking, okay, relax.

Hey, look, if you let it be, this can be the most fun part of the show. Okay, if you just have fun for the next 15 minutes, we’re all gonna laugh at some things that we don’t think we’re allowed to laugh at. Oh, is it like a naughty thing if I laugh at a joke in a comedy show? Have fun. Okay, do not get sensitive now. Don’t fucking sit there and feel like you need to defend the wheelchair community. They can fucking stand up for themselves.

Okay, God damn it, you guys. Stop being hesitant. Okay, look, people in wheelchairs come to comedy shows all the time. It is incredibly common. You know what? They are some of the best audience members you could ever ask for. They come, they laugh their asses off. And I’ll tell you the reason I believe that to be true. It’s because I think they’ve gotten themselves to this point of understanding and this positive mindset that no matter the hand you’ve been dealt in life, no matter how hard things might be for you, if you can learn to find the light in whatever dark situation you’re going through, and you can learn to laugh at the things that should make you miserable, including yourself sometimes, that’s how you fucking win life. And you are going to be a significantly happier person if you can learn to laugh in the face of adversity.

I know this seems harsh, but I just have little to no respect for anybody who wakes up every day and makes the decision to live with a victim’s negative mentality of “oh, everything’s awful, everyone’s out to hurt my feelings.” Only because that’s not fair to you, that’s not fair to yourself. Your life is so short and so precious, you deserve to have the best fucking time you possibly can and laugh your way through life and be as happy as you can, no matter your circumstance or no matter what anybody fucking says about you. You deserve that. Have some fun. We’re only here for a second. Have some fun, man.

And that’s why I chose the comparison that I did. A lot of people think it’s an insensitive comparison in the beginning, comparing those two groups. But it’s because of the positive message that I’m trying to put out there. And I want people to remember is that no matter what you’re going through, I would never negate that, but I want you to remember, if you think your life is hard, somebody has it worse. Try to remember that. Be grateful, be happy, and enjoy your time, no matter what. And that’s what I love about this example, is because if you think about the life of somebody in a wheelchair, that’s fucking hard. It’s a daily obstacle to overcome to do anything, every day. And the fact that they can laugh their way through that, we should all be able to. That’s what I have so much respect for the wheelchair community.

[Applause]

Because regardless of what they’re going through, people in wheelchairs are never annoying about their situation, until they’re getting on the bus. I don’t know how many of y’all have been stuck behind a city bus sending somebody in a wheelchair on, but it is fucking excruciating. You’re behind, I’m trying to make that right turn, and they’re fucking…

“Put this motherfucker on the bike rack and let’s go!” That is the only time I have ever lost my patience on a handicapped person, is when they’re fucking up traffic. Okay, other than that, they’re angels.

Look, if you’re still upset about the comparison, feel free to think about it and tell me I’m wrong. Let’s say you did, let’s say you took somebody with no legs and a trans person and you put them in the same room, the same handicap accessible room. See who you think has the harder life.

“I just, I feel like I’m trapped inside of another person’s body.”

“So, you have four legs?”

“You’re… you’re not listening. It’s not about that. It’s a… Sometimes my mental health will take such a toll that I could just… I could just jump off of my balcony.”

“Jump? What’s that?”

“You’re… you’re not hearing… People will call me the wrong pronouns.”

“Someone called me ‘Chariot Tubman’ the other day. You think a pronoun’s the worst thing you can be called? Come on.”

Audience: What about a trans person in a wheelchair?

Oh, you mean transportation?

[Laughter]

Don’t test me, dog. [Laughter]

Oh, shit. Look, this is… this is a hard joke to pull off. It’s like a prosthetic leg; you just gotta… No, no, it is. It is, obviously, you take two marginalized groups of people who are going through a tough time, and you think you can’t make jokes about that, but you can. The joke works if my point is inarguable, and I think it is. I think those examples speak for themselves. I guess I just can’t wait for the day that I’m doing this joke at a show, and there’s a trans person in the audience who gets so offended they walk out, and I’m just like, “Show off.”

[Applause]

Some of y’all are still on edge, and it’s very annoying. Okay, I’m gonna give it one last try. I’m gonna give it one last try to get you all on my side. This is my last attempt to get through to y’all. Okay, I was working on this joke when it was like brand new, about eight weeks ago, right? I was in Arizona, and it’s a new joke. I’m trying to figure it out, obviously a little tricky to navigate, obviously a teeter on a very fine line of offensive and funny, which is where you want your jokes, you know. Have some fun, push the boundaries, you know.

So, I’m working on it, I’m trying to make it the best it can be, and I can see out of the corner of my eye, front row, left side of the stage, is a young woman in a wheelchair. And I’m in the middle of like the trans versus wheelchair material, and I can see out of my peripheral vision, she’s laughing her ass off. She’s slapping her knee. She can’t feel it, but she’s slapping her knee, like, this bitch is rolling, you know what I mean? She’s fucking Ah, you know how they’d be laughing. Ah, handicapped people laugh like they’re getting good head, just… Ah.

She’s so obviously having a great time, right? So when the joke was over, it dawned on me that I had a very unique opportunity to get an inside perspective on this material. And in order for a joke like this to work, it has to be funnier than it is offensive. And again, I want it to be, I never want to hurt anybody’s feelings. It’s just jokes, man. That’s as simple as that to me. But I’m always open to conversations. When the joke was over, I asked her, I was like, “Out of curiosity, was anything I said in that joke offensive?” And still laughing, this woman says, “No, no, no, no, no, it was… it was so fucking funny. And I want to thank you for including me.”

I had never realized that so many people were so uncomfortable around handicapped people that a lot of the times, they won’t even laugh about some of the same things they want to laugh about, and things that they think are hilarious. So getting that confirmation is what gave me all the confidence I needed to know that these jokes are okay to tell, and we are allowed to laugh at them. You know, her and I, we were on the same page the whole time. We both know that’s what you do to vegetables; you roast them.

[Applause]

Bro, if you didn’t laugh at that shit, I would never be your friend. Fuck you, dude Fuck you, bro. Then I fucked her, that’s the crazy thing. It was after this show.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. I’m not saying it was me, but she wasn’t walking the next day. I’m just saying, I’m just saying. I was like, “Can you feel it in your stomach?” She was like, “I can’t feel anything.” I was like, “Yeah.”

My name is Matt Rife. Thank you guys so much for coming out. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

[Applause]

Excellent. Um, thank you.

[Applause]

Listen, listen for one second. Um, first and foremost, thank you all so much. This means the absolute world to me. And I know, I know we laughed a lot in the past hour, but if you wouldn’t mind, there is something important I would actually like to share with you guys. And it’s something I wanted to address about the special. It’s very important to me. It’s the name of the special, “Matthew Stephen Rife.” Uh, it’s my full name. If you guys buy the DVD, you can get my Social Security number too, but it’s my full name, obviously Matthew and Rife being my first and last name, and my middle name being Steven. And I’m named after my grandpa.

[Applause]

The same… Pocket pussy Grandpa. And just to clarify, yes, that story is one thousand percent true, zero embellishment. He was… he’s a fucking monster. But the reason we’ve decided to name this special, it was gonna be named something totally different, and I wanted to dedicate this special to my grandpa because just under two weeks ago, he passed away. Um, and the whole show, I mean, this whole special taping almost didn’t happen. I mean, he was my absolute best friend, and I love him and miss him so much. He wasn’t able to come to my first special taping last year. So, for this one, I was like scrambling. I was like, “Do I even want to do this? It doesn’t feel right to do a show without him.”

So, I mean, we’ve scrambled together, we changed some of the set for it. It’s like, um, this right here is his hat that he wore every single day. There’s even a photo, it’s a black and white photo of like, he and I when I was a baby. I think, I mean clearly, we were on the set of one of his 70s pornos. And like I said, he, he wasn’t able to come to my first special taping last year because it was kind of the height of COVID and everything. He also hadn’t been on a plane in like 30 years. So, for this one, a couple of months ago, like four or five months ago, when we decided we were going to do this special, I really, really wanted to fly him out here. He was very excited too, because I wanted to kind of immortalize and, in front of everybody that was here, tell him just how much he meant to me and just thank him for every single thing that he did.

[Applause]

You guys really don’t understand. Um, I spent every weekend with him when I was a kid. Like, he’s the one that showed me, like, all these funny things. We would sit around, watch Adam Sandler movies, and stuff like that, you know? Very inappropriate movies for a job. Um, and he was very funny. Like, he’s definitely the reason I have a sense of humor.

When I was starting out doing stand-up, when I was 15, um, how open mics work, a lot of the times, I started out at the local comedy club in Columbus, Ohio, called the Funny Bone. And they would have these open mics. And how those work a lot of times is they’re called bringer shows. So you’d have to bring five people in order for you to get stage time. I was 15, all my friends were in middle school, so obviously I couldn’t have anybody come. So my Grandpa would buy five tickets so that I could get stage time and do this silly thing because he thought I was so funny.

[Applause]

I really wish he was here to see all of you people here. And just to let you guys know, if I have ever made any of you laugh ever, it’s because of him.

[Applause]

That’s why, when we were going over the stage decoration for how we were going to do this stage, I wanted it kind of plain and rugged. Um, but then, obviously, I wanted him here at the show so bad, which is why we decided to leave a seat open for him on the stage, want to watch the show. And as heartbreaking as it is that he couldn’t come and be at the show himself, um, fortunately enough, Ashley could.

[Applause]

So, in the name of Steve, this one’s for you, Papaw.

[Applause]

Hey, everybody, thank you so, so much for tuning in to this special. This is our second self-produced special, and it means the absolute world to me that you guys tuned in in support of this. And for anybody who might want to show any additional support, we just added a bunch of new merch on my website at mattrifeofficial.com. We just added t-shirts, sweatshirts, hoodies, hats, bracelets that you can actually pay anything you want for. And all the money we are making for Merch is going towards the next Third self-produced special we’re putting out next year. And to top it off, we are going to auction off the star of the second special, not me, um, Ashley herself. And I have signed it for you. It’s from me. It’s from the show. It’s a little creepy, a little sexy, a little gross. My grandpa for sure possesses it. But so can you. So thank you so much again for tuning in. I hope you enjoyed it and see you at the next one.

I hate this. I hate this so much.

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