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Marlon Wayans: You Know What It Is (2021) | Transcript

Marlon explores his fears onstage, including the greatest one that is the realization that his bad decisions are what tore his family apart, and he sums up his way through self-awareness with the phrase "You know what it is."
Marlon Wayans: You Know What It Is (2021)

[Hip-hop music playing]

♪♪

[Cheers and applause]

Miami, make some noise…

[Cheers and applause]

For Mr. Marlon Wayans!

♪♪ ♪♪

How the fuck we doing, Miami?

[Cheers and applause]

Thank you. I love you, too! Thank you. I do. I really do love you guys. I mean, I swear. I love people. I’m a lover of life. You know what I mean? Life in general. And it’s like, as you get older, I learned, I’m like 90% love, but there’s, like, 10% of shit I hate. A lot of things I hate… Well, people hate… Come from fear, right? The thing I hate most comes from the thing I fear most. And it comes from, like, childhood trauma. And this is gonna sound crazy to you, but… [Sighs] Okay, fuck it. I am so scared of n*ggas with outie belly buttons. It’s just something evil about a n*gga with a outie belly button. You know what I’m talking about? Like, Andre McLaurin… he had an outie belly button. He was the bully in my hood. He terrorized me my whole childhood. He was an evil little n*gglet. 4 years old, he was buff. Look like Kevin Hart buff. Like… Looked like he just got out of baby prison and shit. And he was a kid. 4 years old, he had lats. The only way you get lats is from doing prison time and doing pull-ups. He was a badass little kid. He was so evil, his first baby tooth, it came in chipped. [Laughter] And he was an evil fucker. He used to always steal the one cherry out of my fruit cocktail at lunchtime. And if you went to a public school, you know how much that fucking one cherry meant to you? It took you 15 cups to get to the fucking cherry. Otherwise, it was all grapes and fucking nectarines. Yo, I don’t want that shit. I want a cherry! And Andre, he had an outie belly button, right, and he had this six-pack. And the outie belly button looked like someone threw a Vienna sausage at that n*gga’s stomach and it caught. [Grunts] He was bowlegged. All them little outie belly button dudes, they… They all bowlegged ’cause they mama make ’em walk when they only 5 months old before their legs harden. [Laughs] And then she give him… Because she doesn’t believe in walkers or strollers. She goes, “Those are for pussies!” She make him walk when he 5 months old and she give him man responsibility, ’cause you know his daddy ain’t there. Oh, outie belly button n*ggas ain’t got no daddy, shit. And they make them go… “Take your little brother Lamar to school!” And she put Lamar on his neck, and be, “I’ll take him,” and that weighed down his legs. So he walk around with heavy-ass Lamar on his shoulders, and now he gotta go, “Take Dede to daycare!” And now he gotta drag his little brother Dede to daycare. “Come on!” And she always screams shit to him out the window. Quit smoking my Newports! “I know it’s you, you piece of shit!” That was his little nickname. “Piece of shit!” He be out till, like, 5:30 in the morning with his saggy diaper full of shit, just… Oh, they ain’t potty trained. Outie belly button n*ggas is dumb as shit. They can’t read or write or don’t know their ABC’s or 123s, but they’re super athletic. They can backflip into a public pool with their jeans and sneakers on. So he walking around the neighborhood just looking for trouble with a little saggy-ass diaper hanging out his fucking G-Star jeans, and he just looking for trouble. Walking around the neighborhood, smoking his mama’s cigarettes, just…[Inhaling] But he’s still a kid, so he suck his thumb, too. [Laughs] Never fight a b*tch with a outie belly button. You will lose that fight. Oh, let me tell you something, outie belly button women, they can do two things. They can fight, and they can fuckin’ Double Dutch. Oh, shit. They always got Vaseline in their back pocket. And they put it on their face and say evil shit like, “Oh, b*tch, this what I wanted you to do! Oh, b*tch, I prayed for God you was gonna fuck with me today, ho! Ooh, I’ma fuck you up.” And they always got… They always got little… Little “B*tch, I can fight” hairdos. They got cornrows, right? But the cornrows be real little, ’cause they ain’t got a lot of hair, so it look like stitches. Look like Wolverine went… [Deep voice] “Get over here, b*tch!” [Normal voice] And they hair’s so small [chuckles] the shit be unraveling. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. So they put them little colorful hair braids on the back, but half the time, they can’t afford that, so they put them Venus and Serena braids… Beads… on the end, and clump them with some aluminum foil? And God forbid if she got that “b*tch, I could fight” ponytail. You know them little ponytail? It look more like a Rottweiler tail or a Doberman Pinscher tail? It’s a little struggle tail. Oh, and her girlfriend help her get that little bit of hair in a ponytail, be like, “Shit, sit still, Faye, sit still! We almost got it!” And the hair never make it. The ponytail never make it. All this be broke off. There will be, like, nine scraggly hairs here and, like, seven over here. And she gotta slick it down with some Vaseline and try to make some baby hair. But one time she sweat, boom, that shit come right back up. And all this be bald as shit. This be bald. Look like somebody fading her shit at all times. But it’s ’cause all the stress from trying to have a ponytail when, b*tch, you ain’t got no hair, so… Her eyes be s… Real tight, you know? She got the tight eyes? It’s because she actually gotta put her skin in the ponytail to make the ponytail reach. And when it reaches, it’s finally, it’s a little, little ponytail. [Child’s voice] Oh, it’s so little! And it look like… [Normal voice] B*tch look like a water balloon. I’ma give you some stats on outie belly button people, and then we can move on, ’cause I’m really offending this brother with the outie belly button in the front row. Him and his comrade. Uh, these are real statistics. You can look it up after the show. Uh, Google it. Whatever search engine you use, Safari perhaps. Firefox. Uh… [Exhales sharply] They’re terrible people, outie belly buttons, they menaces to society. You know that 87.3% of our entire prison system is filled with n*ggas with outie belly buttons. 84.6% of all the fathers that don’t take care of their children. It’s a shame. Outie belly b… [Laughs] Every rapper that’s ever been to prison? The n*gga got a outie belly button. I ain’t lyin’. They always got they shirt off in pictures. Google it. Meek Mill… outie belly button. Lil Wayne… outie belly button. Bobby Shmurda and his whole crew of…

♪ We be on some block b*tches ♪
♪ To the tone, to the tone to the top ♪

All got outie belly buttons and saggy Pampers hanging out their G-Star jeans. Ready? Lil Baby and DaBaby outie belly button. Ready for this? Kodak Black. Yeah, this n*gga got a outie belly with a outie belly button. Oh, he’s an anomaly. It’s not just a Black thing, okay? White folks, you sitting here, having a good old laugh at us minorities. [Imitating White voice] [Laughs] [Normal voice] This is the biggest stat of all. Ready, White folks? 99.99%… of all them White folks that bum-rushed the Capitol… [Laughter]

[Cheers and applause]

The insurgents all had outie belly buttons. [Laughs] Donald Trump got a outie belly b… [Laughs] That’s why he wears those long ties. He’s trying to hide it. [Chuckles] I know, this is real shit. You know what’s funny? I almost didn’t have children, because I was afraid one of them was gonna have an outie belly button. I got kids, got two. [Applause] Yes. Some brave woman let me cum in her twice. And that’s 90 p… I love them, man. My daughter, she just graduated, uh, high school. [Cheers and applause] And she went to her prom. Yeah. Which for the father of a daughter is a miserable fucking evening. No, ’cause, you know, prom night, that’s the night that your baby girl’s gonna lose her virginity. Ladies, y’all ain’t shit. Y’all ain’t shit. Ain’t nobody correct me. None of y’all are worth a damn cent. Look at y’all. You gonna sit here and let me and your n*gga next to you believe that you lost it prom night? Yeah, right. You know you lost that shit in the tenth grade in some fucking stairwell to a random Puerto Rican named Orlando. [Chuckles] Prom night’s just the first night your nasty ass gonna do it in the bed, and your daddy gotta pay for it. See, I don’t… I don’t like the setup ’cause I feel like a sucker as a father. “Cause prom night is not about impressing the daughter or the mother. No. See, the mother and the daughter, they in cahoots with this little motherfucker across town, who’s trying to come fuck your daughter. That’s what they’re trying to do, fuck your daughter. What’s he doing? Trying to fuck your daughter. And he come, and he come, he think he Prince Charming. He pull up in a limousine. Oh, he’s wearing a tuxedo, and he has these shiny tuxedo shoes on. And he rings the doorbell all respectfully. [Imitates doorbell] Boom-boom. And you open the door, and he says some really polite thing like, “How are you, Mr. Wayans? It’s a pleasure to meet your acquaintance. I’m here to pick up Amai.” And then he produces a corsage. “Ooh, a corsage! Ooh, for my daughter?” Oh! You gentleman, you! Here. Fuck her. “You fuck my daughter, you gentleman, you!” Get the fuck outta here with that bull… Slap you in your little face. Don’t come to my door with that shit. Don’t do that. You come to my house, you trying to bang my daughter, be a man! You wanna pick up my daughter? Be a man. Don’t come in some limousine your daddy rented for you. No, I’m not impressed. You come in some shit you could afford. You show up to my house on them little… Little scooty bikes you rent in the street, like… Yeah, better yet, come on a skateboard. Just come to the house like, “Ka-ta, ka-ta, ka-ta.” Impress me! Do a trick up the stairs or some shit. Oh! And don’t wear no tuxedo. I’m not impressed by that shit. Nah, don’t wear no tuxedo. Some rent-a-tux. Come on, man. You wear it today, but it was on a dead body yesterday. You smell like embalming fluid. You come to my house, you show up… I’m a ’90s n*gga. So you come to my house, impress me. You wear a pair of FUBU jeans. Yeah, some Karl Kani, something with some big writing on the pocket. And make sure you have an Aniche shirt and a Mecca sweater over that. Tie a Phat Farm cardigan around your neck. Yeah, and then have a Eight-Ball jacket just sitting off your shoulders like Dom Perignon. And then you have a Yankee fitted that’s not that fitted just sitting off the side of your dome. And don’t bend the brim. Leave that shit new! Don’t bend the brim. And you better not take the sticker off. I wanna see that little black sticker with your head size. I wanna be like, “Oh! Seven and five eighths? Oh, he got a big-ass head. He’s smart!” And when you come to my house, do me a favor. Don’t ring my doorbell. [Imitating doorbell] Boom-boom. Nah. Nah. Let’s be real. You don’t come to me with disguising your evil R&B Trey Songz intentions, nah. You tryin’ to fuck my daughter. “Boom-boom” says, “Love you!” Get the fuck outta here. Come with some… Knock on my door. Knock! Let me hear you knock. Don’t ring my doorbell. Knock. Yeah, that’s a real n*gga right there. And let me hear your intentions in the knock. I wanna hear your knock say, “I’m here to fuck your daughter!” You feel me? That… that gets my attention. “Boom-boom” don’t get my attention. N*gga, I be on the toilet taking a shit, I hear “Boom-boom, boom-boom,” I ignore it. I just keep checking my Instagram. “Boom-boom, boom-boom,” dropping my load. [Grunts] “Boom-boom.” [Grunts] “Boom-boom.” But if I hear, “I’m here to fuck your daughter!” I be like, “Oh, shit, he here!” I don’t even wipe my ass. I just pull up and be like, “Oh, he here! He here, n*gga!” I’ll wipe later. And when I open the door, do me a favor. Don’t say no smart shit to me like, “How are you doing, Mr. Wayans? Pleasure to make your acquaintance. I’m here to pi…” I’ll choke you, pussy! Don’t… Don’t do that. Just shut the fuck up. You come to bang my daughter, let’s be real. Don’t say nothing. Have some fucking empathy. What you trying to do, huh? You trying to love her? No, no. You trying to fuck my daughter. Let me tell you something, my guy, that’s my b*tch. Yeah, my pussy made that pussy, so respect the guy when you come through! Don’t say no smart shit to me, [Mocking voice] “How you doing Mr. Way…” [Normal voice] Shut up! Just look at me and have some compassion, have some empathy. You took your S.A.T.? That’s a S.A.T. word. You took your S.A.T.’s, you got a 870 or over, you know what the fuck empathy is. “Cause you give me that look like you know what the fuck I’m going through as a father. I open the door, be like… [makes creaking sound] “Just give me that look like you understand, like…” [Exhales] [Sighs] Then say some cool shit like… [Inhales deeply] [Deep voice] “You know what it is.” [Normal voice] “You know what it is.” That’s real n*gga talk right there. You won my heart with “You know what it is,” ’cause “You know what it is” says so much without saying shit. So, let’s say like… And brothers understand this. Like, let’s say I’m leaving the amphitheater tonight and I see some young brothers outside and they wanna rob me. And they see it’s me, and they be impressed like, “Oh, shit!” N*gga, that’s Marlon Wayans! Oh, I love you! Wayans Brothers? Wayans Brothers? Wayans Brothers? Come on, my guy.

♪ We brothers ♪
♪ We happy and we singing and we colored ♪
♪ Da-da-da-da ♪
♪ Gimme a high five! ♪

That was my shit. Yo, ‘Little Man’? Yo, I cried at ‘Little Man’, ’cause I got a cousin that small, man, so I know that shit be real. “And then ‘White Chicks’? Yo, that shit was a lit…”

[Cheers and applause]

“Yo, that… Yeah, it was a little gay, but, n*gga, that shit was funny though. But, yo, yo, I love y’all, man! Yo, my family love your family, but, yo…” [Sniffs] “Me and my n*ggas is hungry.” And you got that little chain on, you know what I’m saying? And I like them sneakers you got on. So as much as I love you… [sniffs] “You know what it is.”

[Cheers and applause]

[Normal voice] Somebody give me that shit, and here, “Take the chain. Take my sneakers.” That’s a real n*gga right there. Don’t even pull the gun out, just take it. The heist is done. Same thing with my daughter. “N*gga, here, take her, take her, take her. She deserve a real n*gga like you.” And then when you grab her, grab her hand and be like, “Yo, listen, you did a good job, man. Just do yourself a favor. Don’t wait up.” And pull up on your skateboard, ka-ta, ka-ta, ka-ta. And don’t let her on. Let her chase after you like a real n*gga. And then turn around and show me your outie belly button like, “You know what it is! You know this shit is real!” I actually had no anxiety at all on my daughter’s prom night. Not a drop. Know why? ‘Cause my daughter’s gay, so, yeah. [Chuckles] That took all… All the anxiety away. You know what’s funny? Knowing that my daughter wasn’t gonna be banging some dude or getting pregnant or having no disease, I… That doorbell rang, I was so relieved. I went to the doorbell… Boom-boom! I looked through the peephole, I seen it was a girl, I said, “Yes!” [Laughs] “Ooh, this b*tch is bad, too. Hey, how you doing? Ah, don’t call me Mr. Wayans, call me Mama!” [Smooches] “Amai, your date is here!” Oh, baby girl, don’t you look beautiful? Look at you. Don’t she look pretty? But why your dress so long, girl? Hike your dress up. Yeah, show some pussy. She ho… Yeah. Girl, you safe. This like fishing. Throw that chum in the water. Go on, show some pussy! “Now, you girls have fun. Don’t do nothing I wouldn’t do.” [Evil laugh] “Now, check it out, I got y’all a little hotel room, and guess what? It’s a suite! Curfew? B*tch, stay out till Thursday, yeesh.” “Now, check it out, I got y’all some party favors.” I got you, uh [sniffs] I got you a little bit of weed. Just tell the driver you want some collard greens, he got that shit rolled up for you. I got you some liquor. I got that good liquor. I got that Ciroc. Yeah, that shit that make Diddy and his kids dance like this. Every time they hear “Ciroc,” they just be dancing like this. Here, take this Molly. Take the Molly. Don’t do the whole pill. I got this shit from Miami, “I don’t know what the fuck is in this shit.” [Cheers and applause] “Just give her half, and you take the other half. You do the whole thing, trust me, it’s gonna be really hard for you to eat vagina like this.” [Chuckles] That’s just how it was, man. I ain’t trippin’. My daughter told me she was gay when she was, uh, she was how old? She was 15 years old. And, uh, you know, I realized I’m not God. I can’t judge. I’m a father. And my job as a father is to love my daughter unconditionally, no matter what. So, I told my daughter, you know, I said, “Listen, baby girl,” I said, “You know, I accept you, but for you,” I said, “Don’t be concreted in your thoughts”, because you’re still a baby. I mean, life is not a sprint. This is a marathon. “And what you love today, you may hate tomorrow.” And I cited an example, I said, “Remember when you was little, you hated peas?” Yeah, you did. You fucking hated peas. And what did we do? We went to the bookstore, and we got that book. ‘Green Eggs and Ham’ by Dr. Seuss. Now who loves peas? You do! Right, so let’s go to the bookstore, and let’s see if we can find another book. ‘Green Eggs and Dick’ by Dr. Seuss. Yeah, and Daddy will read it to you “like I did when you was little.” [Clears throat] “‘You can suck it in the park.” You can fuck it in the dark. You can suck it in the rain. Watch out for big, buff, Black dick. It will surely give you pain. Oh, dick, it comes in all shapes. Some are narrow, some are wide! Some are round at the top and others have sleeves. They call those uncircumcised. And if you know these dicks I’m speaking, the uncircumcised ones usually belong “to Dominicans and Puerto Ricans.'”

[Laughter]

[Chuckles] No, but my daughter was like, “No, Dad, you’re not getting it.” She said, “I’m gay, so you love me or you leave me alone.” And she gave me two options, but I only heard one, which is to love her, right? Yeah. I mean, it actually made me look at myself. Like, the fact that she’s living her truth? I picked up the mirror and I said, “Shit, am I living my truth? I’m lying here next to her mother every night, and this shit don’t feel right.” “I’m wearing these skinny-ass leather pants that’s giving me male camel toe. What the fuck is going on?” And I realized something. I wasn’t living my truth. And I thanked my daughter. I said, “Thank you, you freed me.” I said, “Baby girl, Daddy likes pussy, too.” “I do! Oh, I love pussy! Not your mama’s. I’m tired of that shit.” I’ve been fucking that for 25 years. It’s like an old piece of chewing gum. I just wanna put it up underneath a desk and watch it get on somebody else’s jeans and be laughing. I’ve learned I like all kinds of pussy. I like White pussy. Yes, I said it, sisters. And I’ll say it to your face. I like White pussy. So white, you can hear the “H” when I pronounce it. Hh-white! And look at this brother, he smiling. He said, “Man, me too!” And I like them a little racist. I like a little Karen. I’ll go down… I’ll go down to Sarasota and grab me a fucking Karen, and I’ll fuck her ass and change her whole perspective. I’ll put that dick so deep, she’ll be like, [Screaming] “Black Lives Matter!”

[Cheers and applause, laughter]

And I like Latina chocha. Sí! Me gusta Latina chocha mucho! Yeah, I like the gorda labias. Ah, yes. And [with accent] yes, yes. [Normal voice] And then I fuck, and she fucking call me names, she like, “Ay, negrito sucio!” And I say, “Sí.” Negrito su… cio!” And I like Black. I like Black, Black, Black, Bla-a-a-a-a-a-ck pussy. I’m talking fucking Black Lives Matter black. Civil Rights Movement black. Wyclef Jean’s kneecap black. Bobby Brown crack finger black. [Laughs] Wesley Snipes’ everything black. And that pussy been through so much. All Black women been through so much trouble and oppression. She ain’t impressed by nothing you do. You can’t hurt that pussy. You pull their panties down and pussy got attitude, look at you like, “Tsk.” “That’s all you got?” [Sighs deeply] Ah, it feels so good to live my truth. Thank you, baby girl, for accepting me. [Sighs] Come on. Let’s go live our truth. Let’s go tell your mother, huh? You first, b*tch. I’ll be over here. I’m proud. I’m so proud of her that Pride month passed, and I put a post up on my Instagram. And I wrote her a beautiful caption. I said, “Happy Pride Month to my pride and joy. I’m so proud of you for living your truth, for having the courage to just be you.” I said, “Daddy loves you to the moon and back”, around the stars, through every galaxy. And one day, when God takes me, may he bring me back again to find you exactly the way you are and love you for the rest of eternity. “Love always, Daddy.”

[Applause]

But you know, on Instagram, there’s always that one comment. That one negative n*gga with a little dick. Lonely, insecure, mad he living in his mama’s basement that’s full of fucking mold. Well, this piece of shit… Chaz0135. He writes, “I can’t believe you would teach your daughter this.” I said, “Hey, motherfucker. I didn’t teach this little girl how to be gay!” How do you teach somebody to be gay? Tell me. What do you think I did? You think I sat her down and told her her alphabets like this? “Listen, fuck ABC. All you need to know is LGBTQ. That’s all!” I didn’t teach her to be gay. Sometimes that’s just the way they are. I need y’all to listen to your kids. I should have known she was gay. You know how? I remember when my daughter was born, right? My daughter was three… My daughter was three and a half weeks late when we gave birth to her. Three and a half weeks. We had to induce labor. We used Pitocin to get her out. Her mother was in labor for 42 hours, trying to push this little girl out. So obviously, this little b*tch loved pussy! But see, I wasn’t listening. So I look at guys like Chaz0135, and I go, “Listen, sometimes that’s just the way the child comes. And how dare you try to shame a young lady that’s just trying to find her way in the world.” That shit pissed me off. I’m a troll, I went to that motherfucker’s profile, I started looking… Thinking of jokes. Oh, I called my brothers. Yes, I called for backup. I said, “Shawn, Keenen, Damon. Instagram. Chaz0135. Koo-koo!”

[Applause]

Oh, we a family full of n*ggas. They hit me back with the “Soo!” Yeah, and I was starting to… Like, we about to light him up with jokes, but then I saw that Chaz0135 had a brand-new baby girl. And so I seen where his insecurity was coming from. So I instantly called my boys off, called the boys off, was like… [makes bird sound] Oh, that’s bird talk for “Back up, back up, back up.” And they hit me back with the…[makes bird sound] That’s, “Alright, n*gga, you good, you good, you good.” [Chuckles] Because I know some… I’m gonna tell you something. I’m a… I’m a man of God. “No weapon formed against me shall prosper.” Yes. I saw the same Tyler Perry movie as you, sister, same one. Because you realize something, that there’s a karma to life. You ain’t gotta do nothing to bad people. Let me tell you something, Chaz0135. One day when your baby girl grows up, and she turns 19, and she comes out the closet. I’m gonna have my daughter fuck her! ‘Cause I’m a motherfucking troll like that. [Laughter] Guess what? I got gay friends. You should see the looks that I get from people when I hang out with my gay friends. Even my straight guy friends be looking at me when I hang out with my gay guy friends. They be looking at me like, “Oh, hey, watch out, bro. Watch out.” “Watch out for what? This shit ain’t contagious. This shit ain’t COVID. Like, you can’t catch gay, n*gga, like…” You acting like I hang out with my gay friends and I catch gay and I show up the next day and I’m just coughing up dick. “Hey, Marlon, how you doing?” “I don’t feel so good!” “What happened to you?” “Oh, I hung out with Aubrey, and he sneezed on me, and I just been coughing up dick all day!” [Sneezes] “Oh, I keep this up, I think I’m gonna have to call in dick to work. This getting crazy.” No, can’t catch gay. And I’m glad I got my gay friends. ‘Cause that’s who I consulted with when it was time for me to figure out my daughter. I sat my gay buddy down, I said, “Hey, bro,” I said, “Let me ask you ask you a question.” I said, “When did you know you were gay?” He looked at me, he said, [Effeminate voice] “Well…” [Normal voice] He… he did. He got… he got noodley on me. He said, [Effeminate voice] “Well…” [Normal voice] And he made this little noise. He went [clicks tongue] I said, “What the fuck? What was that noise? You just pull off an imaginary penis to answer my question?” [Laughs] You know, me and my friend, we continued to talk. He asked, “What are you gonna do?” And I said, “I’m gonna accept her.” And he said, “That’s the only thing you can do. I wasn’t so lucky. I haven’t spoken to my father since the day I came out.” And that shit fucked me up, man. That shit had me thinking. I was like, “Damn. What if it was my son that was gay?” Like, what would that prom night be like? Let’s go on a little journey. [Chuckles] Doorbell rings. “Boom-boom.” I get all excited. Yeah, let’s see what he working with! [Laughs] [Screams] Unh-unh. What in the fuck? Aw. This n*gga. “Shawn, come downstairs, your dick is here.” I mean, your date is here! Yeah, there’s weed in the glove box. Roll me a blunt, please. Shit, I need one. Uh, also, guys, I-I got you some, uh, liquor. I got liquor. I got Ciroc in there. Yeah, yeah, you can drink the Ciroc. But also I got you some Hennessy. You may wanna pour the brown liquor on your booty hole and just numb it up a little “before you do what you’re gonna do.” And I be like, “Here, here, hey, guys, here. Take the Molly. Take the Molly. Wait, how… how tall are you? 6’4”? Oh, Goddamn, here take five. May be a little easier for you to take that dick “if you’re a little bit high.” Like…[groans] But then I would take a beat, and I would think to myself that on the other side of my fear is my son. My child that God gave me, the boy that I raised. And no child deserves to go unloved or unsupported because of their sexuality.

[Applause]

This is a real issue for fathers, especially in the Black community. So yes, I will call my gay son back. I’ll be like, “Come here, n*gga. Come here. Come here. Just him please. Thanks, Sasquatch.” I’ll be like, “Look, I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry.” It’s just that, you know, this whole gay thing just crept up on me from behind. Not behind like, ‘Oh!’ You know what I mean? You know, it’s just that, you know, I’m just having a hard time trying to swallow it. Not swallow it like [gagging] Okay, it’s just that, when you was little, I-I-I was like, ‘Hey, I got a son, and we gonna play ball together! Yay!’ And I didn’t know you wanted to play with dudes, so that’s kinda fucking me up. But let me ask you something. Are you happy? No, are you really happy? And this is your life? Then fuck it, I’m happy for you. And I accept you. You’re my son. Come here, boy, I love you. I’m proud of you. Come here. Give me a hug, come here. Put your arms around me. Stop being gay. Put your arms around me. I love you, boy. [Smooches] Alright. Go ahead, n*gga, go enjoy your prom night. “Yeah, you look pretty in your dress, okay?” Just do me a favor. For your dad. From n*gga… to n*ggette. Just don’t be no b*tch-ass n*gga. You fuck that n*gga in his ass. Yeah! You give him the Wayans stroke! Yeah, boy! Yeah! Yeah, boy! Yeah, boy! Yeah! [Speaks indistinctly] I got a son. He ain’t gay, but he’s an asshole. I don’t know what happens to kids when they become teenagers. They just turn into dickheads. My son’s a dickhead. Like, you know, when he was little, when he was 4 years old, that boy worshipped the ground I walked on. I couldn’t go anywhere without him following me around or crying. I would leave the house for one minute, this boy would lose his mind. [Crying] “I want my daddy! I want my daddy! I want my daddy! No, get off me, Mom! I don’t want you, I want Dad!” [Normal voice] And I’d come back in the house, I’d be like, “Hey, son! I’m home!” He’d go, “Dad!” and he would run to me, and he’d grab my leg and go, “Dad, you my best friend. Don’t ever leave again. Don’t ever leave again.” And I’d say, “Aw, there, there, little n*gga. [Chuckles] I just went to the store, man. Get the fuck up off me.” That’s when my son was 4 years old. My son is 18 years old now. Boy, does times change. I was gone for three and a half months. Three and a half months. I would call my son. Shit go right to voicemail. So I text his little ass. He didn’t text me back. No bubbles, no nothing. He wasn’t even attempting to hit me back. So I FaceTime his ass. Shit said “Unavailable.” Just a picture of me looking stupid like… So I hit him on Facebook. You know he unfriended me? So I dipped into his Instagram. This motherfucker unfollowed me. But he still follows Chaz0135. So now at this point, I’m like, “What’s this dude’s problem?” And I started getting mad, but then I started thinking, “Well, maybe he just misses me, and he don’t know how to express that.” But you know what? When I come home after three and a half months, he’s gonna come running to me like he did when he was little. He’s gonna grab my leg and say, “Dad, don’t ever leave again. Don’t ever leave again.” And, boy, was I wrong. I came in the house after three and a half months. I was so cocky. I walked in, I dropped my bags, I said, “Son! Daddy’s home!” This jackass looked at me, he said, [Sniffs] “What up, n*gga?” And then he walked away. I said, “Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, n*gga”, if you don’t get the fuck over here and give me the proper greeting, a hug and a kiss, I swear to God, I will shove you back in my dick, “and I will shoot you into a sock!” Yeah, you better consider yourself lucky you here. It’s ’cause of me. It’s ’cause of my shot. ‘Cause, boy, I coulda shot you anywhere. I coulda shot you on a wall, I coulda shot you on the ceiling. I could reach! I just gotta hold it and then, bow! I coulda shot you in the sink, right down the drain. I coulda back-handed you or shot you in your mama’s hair. I coulda shot you in her face, ’cause your mama like that type of shit, son. And it’s not that I’m upset. It’s that I’m hurt. Father’s Day come. The one fucking day that fathers get to be loved and appreciated. My daughter, she posts a picture of me, she writes me nine measly words. “Happy Father’s Day, Dad. You a good dude.” I said, “No, little gay b*tch. You a good dude.” But I gotta give it to her. At least she gave me some effort. She wrote words. My son, this little dickhead, he writes me three letters. #HFD. Y’all, I was so confused, I was like, “Houston Fire Department, what the fuck?” [Chuckles] It took me to Christmas to realize this jackass was saying “Happy Father’s Day.” And I don’t know what I did wrong. ‘Cause when you parent, there’s no proper formula. But I know I left one important ingredient out. I… didn’t spank my children. Um, all the sisters like, “Oh, you did what?” Send them motherfuckers to my house. I got you, boo. I’ll beat they ass and send them right back to you. No, I wo… I’ll put cocoa butter on they little scars “and send them right fucking back.” Spanking’s just some shit that we inherited from slavery. And all we doing is passing that damage down to our own children. White folks don’t do that. They talk to their kids. You see little kids in the supermarket throwing shit and shitting in fucking cereal boxes and… [Mock White voice] “Stop that, Jimmy. Jimmy, no, that’s not nice. You’re making me anxious, Jimmy.” [Normal voice] Nig? Black folks’ kid grab a cereal box, “I’ll kill ya, n*gga! Bap bap!” We gotta stop that shit, y’all. That’s some bullshit. And I remember the day that I was at that crossroad where I was gonna spank – where I… I… I chose not to spank my son or my kids. So, my son was 4 years old, and he had one of his buddies over at the house. Little badass kid. Little n*gga, name was like Tyrese or Tyrell. I think anything with a “Ty” in it… Tyrese, Tyrell, Ty-Ty, Tyrone, he gonna spend time in juvie at some point in his life. He a bad little n*gga. He had the cornrows, little tattoo on his neck and shit. And my son, they were… He playing… They were playing ball in the house. Boppity-boppity-boppity-bah. And you know, my children’s mother, she got all upset. She started nagging. “Shawn, stop playing ball in the house!” And you know kids, they don’t listen to their mother. Like, “Yeah, whatever, b*tch.” Boppity-boppity-boppity-bah. So she calls me in. “Marlon, I told Shawn to stop playing ball in the house and he ain’t listening!” So, you know, I hit him with the daddy voice. I said, [Deep voice] “Hey, hey, hey!” [Normal voice] Every n*gga with a father just… That’s what my son did. I said, [Deep voice] “Hey, hey, hey! Your mama says stop playing ball in the house, you stop playing ball in the house, you understand me?” [Normal voice] My son said, “Okay.” And then Tyrese, this little fatherless motherfucker. I say that ’cause he was immune to daddy voice. So I squeezed one of my balls to get the ball… To get the voice a little deeper. I said, [Deeper voice] “Hey, n*gga, I don’t care if I’m your daddy or not, you better stop playing ball in the Goddamn house before I kick your little ass.” [Normal voice] He said, “Man, you ain’t my daddy.” I said, “I see why your daddy left you, you little piece of shit.” And so he’s still dribbling the ball. I told my son, “Hey, you better not play.” He can do what the fuck he want, but you? You better listen to me.” My son said, “Okay.” So Tyrese is dribbling the ball. Bobbity-bobbity-bobbity-bop. Bobbity-bop. He crossing over. Bobbity-bop. Bobbity-bop. Through the legs. Bop-bop-bop. And he doing behind-the-back drills. Bop-bop. He playing ball so good, this shit looked fun. I want the n*gga to pass me the ball. So, at a point, my son looking at Tyrese, and he’s all impressed, and then he look at me. And he’d look back at Tyrese dribbling the ball. And he’d look at me. And he’d look at Tyrese dribbling the ball, and he’d look at Tyrese, he’d go, “Hey, Tyrese! Pass me the ball!” Man, I got so mad, I forgot my son was my son. Matter of fact, I forgot he was a kid, period. I talked to him like he was a grown-ass man. I said, “Man, are you out your motherfucking mind!” You know who the fuck I am, n*gga? You don’t know me, n*gga! Oh, fuck, I’ll fuck you up, boy! I’ll fuck you up! You don’t know me! You don’t know me, n*gga! My mama don’t know me, and I came out of her. You know who you fucking with? “I’ll fucking chuck your little ass!” And his mother ran to him, she said, “Marlon, what you doing?” I said, “B*tch, this your fault!” She said, “Put him down.” So I put his little ass down. She said, “What’s wrong with you?” I said, “I don’t know!” So she grabbed me, brought me to the bathroom. And I came out the door, said, “I’ma fuck you up, Shawn! And Tyrese, I’m fucking you up, too!” And that’s when Tyrese pulled out his knife, he said, “Yeah, n*gga, come on with it. Come on with it.” So Angela grabs me into the bathroom. And at this point, I’m fucking crying and I’m shaking. And she’s like, “What’s wrong with you?” I was like, “I don’t fucking know!” And I look in the mirror. And then my face morphs to me as a little boy. And I started thinking about all the ass-whoopings that my father gave me. And I started thinking about how much those ass-whoopings hurt. Not just my heart, but my ass. And I started thinking that every time my father hit me, it only made me further away from him. It made me distant from my father. I love my father now as a man, but as a kid, I didn’t love him. I feared him. Every time my father called my name… “Marlon!” Yo, my heart would beat fast, I’d piss my leg a little bit. My leg would get itchy, my ass would get small. My booty hole get nervous. Booty hole be looking over. [Silly voice] Oh, shit, you in trouble now. [Normal voice] And it got to the point where sometimes it wasn’t even for a spanking. For good shit, I’d get scared! “Marlon!” Ha! [Sobs] “Here, take this, go get some ice cream.” “Oh, my God, what kind of fucking mind trick is this?” Because what parents don’t realize, especially a father, you are your child’s superhero. So every time you hit your kid, it’s like Spider-Man made a web that was a belt and whooped his little ass. Like Superman took off his cape and made one of them little towels that you hit n*ggas in the ass in the locker room. Sh-pap! Sh-pap! That’s what it feels like! And so I chose not to hit my son. Instead, I sent him to bed. I said, “Go to bed! And don’t eat! Ever! N*gga, you better not ever eat again!” So 4:00 in the morning, I woke his little ass up. I said, “Shawn!” He got up all scared. I could hear his heartbeat. Mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm. I could see a little pee dribbling down his leg. His little ass got tight. His little booty hole started talking to me. [Silly voice] Oh, shit, you in trouble now! [Normal voice] And my boy started crying, he said, “You gonna spank me? You just gonna spank me, Dad? You gonna spank me? I don’t care, you can spank me! I don’t care! You can spank me!” I said, “I ain’t gonna spank you.” Said, “I’ma talk to you.” And I sat him down. I said, “Let me tell you something. What you did yesterday…” I said, “You hurt my feelings.” And my son started crying, he said, “Oh, God, Dad. Don’t say that. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, Dad.” I said, “You broke the trust.” He said, “Oh, God, no!” Say it ain’t so! Say it ain’t so! [Sobs] I didn’t mean to break the trust, Dad. Not the trust! What’s trust? How much is it? “Can Mom buy some more trust on Amazon?” I said, “You disappointed me.” He said, “Oh, Dad, I didn’t mean [sobs] to ussapoint… you!” And I said to myself, “Oh, shit. White power words work!” So I started hitting him with all kind of White power words. I said, “Yes, and furthermore!” “No, Dad, don’t go no further!” “I… I… I’m appalled.” “No, Dad, don’t call Paul!” “And I’m exacerbated by your action!” “Oh, Dad, don’t masturbate on the actions!” I said, “So why would you listen to Tyrese over me?” He said, “I don’t know, Dad.” He said, “Shit, ’cause I was scared, Dad! I was scared!” I said, “Why? Of what?” He says, “Of Tyrese.” I said, “Why?” He said, “Dad, he got a outie belly button!” [Laughter] And you know what’s funny, man? Is I wanna blame my kids for our relationship, but that would be wrong of me, and that’d be immature. As a man, I gotta blame myself. I fucked up. Somewhere along the line, I fucked up. And I’ve been trying to trace my steps, like, “What did I do?” Did I spoil them? I knew I shouldn’t have never told them n*ggas I had money. I should have raised them in the projects. “They need more government cheese in their life.” [Chuckles] Or was it because I got caught cheating on their mother on a boat in St. Bart’s? I don’t think that’s it. I think it was spoiling them, I definitely think. I fucked up, man. I did. And I’ll tell y’all a story. Fuck it, you know? What had happened was… [Laughs] That’s how you know it was bad, when you, “Well, what had happened was…” Alright, uh, shit. Alright. Real talk.

Alright, so years back, I did a movie called A Haunted House. And, yeah, it was really successful. Like this shit, I made it for a million dollars. It made like $100 million dollars worldwide. I made so much money, I felt like Jay-Z. I was like, “Yo, I’m going somewhere hot where there’s no mosquitos! Yeah!” I was like, “Yo, I’m going to St. Bart’s.” I’ma rent a yacht!” But see, Jay-Z is so smart, I see why this n*gga’s a billionaire. ‘Cause Jay-Z, he brings Beyoncé and them babies to St. Bart’s with him. Yeah, see, me, I fucked up. I brought a n*gga named Steve. I’m out in St. Bart’s, right? And I’m in the middle of the ocean. I don’t even know how paparazzi got my picture. We was in the middle of the fucking ocean with some girls on the boat. And I swear, paparazzi is sneaky. I was like, “Where the fuck were they?” Were they in a fucking dolphin, just…[Imitating dolphin] [Imitating camera shutter clicking] I didn’t know where they was! And so, I didn’t know until I got back to my hotel. I get back to my hotel, I’m feeling myself, got my shirt off, got the Coppertone tan. I’m like, “Yeah, we did that, Steve! Yeah, we did that.” And then my phone buzzed. [Makes buzzing sound] What the fuck is that? So I picked up the phone, and see, I put Google alerts on myself, ’cause as y’all see from this set, I say a lot of stupid shit, so I need to know the stupid shit I say, so I can call my publicist, so she can put the stupid shit I say, and say it was a lie, when it probably was the truth. [Laughs] I pick it up. “Paris Mail.” [French accent] “Marlon Wayans caught on the boat kissing the beautiful mademoiselle, or was this a mistress in St. Bart’s? Uh-oh!” [Normal voice] I put that phone down. I was like, “Oh, fuck! Fuck!” I was like, “Shit!” I was like, “Okay, Angie don’t know shit about France.” Okay, she don’t know shit about French at all. She calls Gucci ‘Gucky.’ She don’t know shit! She still think I bought her a ‘Channel’ bag for Christmas. Alright, so maybe I’ll go by the Louis ‘Vootton’ store and buy her a bag “just in case she does find out.” But I was like, “Alright, relax, relax. She don’t know no publications out the country. That’s some White shit.” So I put my phone down. Motherfucker buzzed again. [Makes buzzing noise] I pick it up. N*gga. “Bossip.” “Media Take Out.” “Shade Room.” “Essence” magazine. “Ebony” magazine. Everybody had the same title. “Marlon Wayans caught on boat in St. Bart’s, cheating on his children’s mother with a White b*tch!” [Chuckles] And I don’t know if y’all know Black culture, but look, it’s one thing to fuck a… fuck around, but you fuck around with White girls, sisters don’t like that shit too much. That’s why we be lying. N*ggas be like, “Oh, she wasn’t… she wasn’t White. She was mixed. Yeah, she was Swedish and Irish and German, but she wasn’t White, you know what I mean?”

And sisters, you should have seen the articles. They was lighting me up. They was like, “I can’t believe this funny-looking n*gga had the nerve to cheat. I could see if it was Shawn, but not this bird-looking n*gga. He look like a ostrich that fell in some fucking oil. I can see if it was Damon, at least he’s funny. I wanna sit on his smushed-up face. But Marlon? He got some fucking nerve. Him and Nick Cannon need to go crawl “under the same rock and die.” I was like, “Oh, shit!” They’re like, “I can’t believe he got caught cheating with a White b*tch,” and I’m like, “Okay, sisters, if she was Black, would y’all be happier about that?” Like you pick up the thing and you see, “Oh, my God, I can’t believe Marlon Wayans got caught cheating. [Gasps] With a Black b*tch! That’s why I fucks with Marlon. I always like Marlon the best! “I did. He got big dick swag.” And so now, I start getting the phone calls. Paparazzi took so many pictures of me, my brothers find out shit about me they didn’t know I did. Phone rings. Keenen. [As Keenen] “Now, what’s up, little boy? How you doing? Mm, looks like you’re having a bad day. And when did you learn how to scuba dive?” [Normal voice] Hang up on him. Shawn. [As Shawn] “Hey, stupid! What are you doing, stupid?” What are you doing in the fucking ocean? You fucking drowned in a bathtub when we was fucking 8 years old, you fucking stupid. When did you learn how to Jet Ski? You crashed your fucking Big Wheel three times. “Why would you get a fucking Jet Ski, stupid?” [Normal voice] He hangs up the phone. Damon. [As Damon] “Hey, ugly, how you doing?” Mm. I’m doing better than you, that’s for sure. Hey, let me ask you something. When did you learn how to snorkel? “Mm-mm-mm.” [Normal voice] So then my children’s mother. [As Angie’s] “You stupid motherfucker. I can’t believe you got caught cheating! Can’t you be more discreet?” [Normal voice] I said, “Baby”, I was in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, 8,500 miles away. You gotta know the latitude and longitude of my dick “to catch me.” “Well, they caught your stupid ass. And look at you looking all stupid.” Women are funny. ‘Cause it wasn’t the kiss that she was mad about. She found the little shit. I said, “I know, I can’t believe I was sitting there kissing that girl, I’m so… I know it’s so embarrassing.” She said, “I don’t give a fuck about that little, pasty”, little b*tch with her little, thin-ass bologna lips, that scraggly-looking b*tch. Look at your stupid foot. Look at your stupid little foot. Look at that shit all pigeon-toed, bird foot motherfucker, looking like a old son… A fucking parrot twisted his ankle. Look how stupid your fucking foot look up in the air, “looking all stupid.” [Chuckles] She had me looking like, “Oh, shit, I am pigeon-toed. Ain’t that a b*tch.” And she goes, “I can’t believe you got caught cheating with a White b*tch!” I said, “Ang, she wasn’t White. She was mixed. She was Swedish and Irish and German, and… and I think she might have had been a little bit Nazi, but she wasn’t White, like, you’re tripping.” She hangs up the phone. Then my buddy Steve, he comes to the rescue. [As Steve] “Marlon, listen.” [Scoffs] All she got was pictures. Pictures are worth a thousand words. All you have to do is corroborate a story. We don’t know what happened in that picture. So here’s the story we’re gonna tell. We went in the middle of the ocean, and… and… and we went in a yacht, “and we saw some mermaids.” “And the mermaids was drowning.” Bloop-bloop-bloop. Bloop-bloop-bloop. And you, being the good Samaritan that you are, you jumped overboard, being a hero. You grabbed the mermaid to safety, and you brought her on board. And you wasn’t kissing her! No. No, no, no. “You was giving her mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.” [Normal voice] I said, “N*gga, if you don’t get the fuck away” from me, I swear to God, I will wrap this anchor around your neck and put you in the bottom of this fucking ocean, “so help me God.” So now, I gotta go home, and I gotta face the music. And see, that day was the worst day of my life. That’s some shit that I’m gonna regret till my dying day. I’m gonna be in the coffin. They gonna close the lid, I’m like, “I’m sorry about the boat!” Because it’s one thing to break your woman’s heart. It’s another thing to break your kid’s heart. And I remember, I went to her house. I stop at my house, and I grab my Bible. Yeah, ’cause it’s really hard to throw hot grits on a n*gga holding a Bible. And I walk up to the door, and I knock on the door. And she sees me holding the Bible, I said, “Bible study, my sister.” And she starts to laugh, because, you know, I… That’s the thing that she fell in love with. The fact that I have humor. I ain’t cute, so it’s definitely the humor. And she was like, “Don’t make me laugh.” Don’t… I fucking hate you. Don’t make me… Is that really a Bibl… Fuck it, I hate you. Don’t make me laugh!” And she hit me. I said, “Um, sister, it says ‘Thou shalt not kill.'” And she said, “Yeah, and it also says, ‘Thou shalt not fuck White b*tches in St. Bart’s.'” I said, “She wasn’t White. She was mixed.” [Laughs] And she’s like, “Get your ass in there.” And then [chuckles] she goes, “Go ahead. Talk to your kids.” I said, “Talk to the kids?” “Yeah, tell them what you did.” “Tell them what you did?” Fuck it. You got a page out the book “The Mack”? What the fuck? Stick yourself, Tony. Stick yourself. So she said, “No, talk to them.” I look at the table, and my kids are sitting at the table. My son, he looked like… He’s so sad, he looks like his pet turtle died. And my daughter, she’s sitting there holding her little naked dollies, just [humming] I said, “Hey, kids, how you doing?” Um, remember when Daddy said he wasn’t perfect? Well, there’s something on the Internet that proves that theory, so whatever you do, “don’t Google my name.” My daughter said, “Too late, Dad. Hmm. Can’t believe you got caught cheating on Mom. [Chuckles] With a White b*tch.” I said, “She wasn’t White. She was mixed! She was Swedish and Irish and German, and a little bit Aryan, but I don’t… I don’t think she was White.” And she goes, “Don’t worry, Dad. I accept you.” I said, “You do?” I said, “You forgive me?” She goes, “Yeah, I forgive you. And I accept you. But, you know, there’s gonna be some things you’re gonna have to accept about me, too, later on in life.” And she took her two little white dollies and put they pussies together. And I was like, “Okay.” And so, I said to my son, I said, “Son, do you forgive me?” He said, “Yeah, I forgive you, Dad.” But I’m really ussapointed. And furthermore, I think you should call Paul. And I need you to really masturbate on your actions, “’cause sh…” And I said, “I think I know what you mean. I’m sorry.” I said, “I love you, and I’ma make it up to you guys.” I promise. If I gotta spend the rest of my life making it up to you, I will. “And I love you.” And I gave them both kisses. [Smooches] And they said, “Okay.” And I went to walk off, and I was like, “Oh, thank God.” And my son said, “Hey, Dad?” I said, “Huh?” Said, “I got a few more questions.” I said, “You do? Okay, shoot, Tiger, what… What you got? You wanna know the weather in St. Bart’s? It’s hot, humid, you know, no mosquitos. It’s cool.” He said, “Mnh-mnh.” He said, “How many girls was on the boat?” Where did you meet these girls? How did they get there? Did you know them all? That one you was kissing, how do you know her? Where do you know her from? Did you fly her in? Did she fly first class? Did she fly coach? Or was she Delta Comfort? What’s this girl’s Instagram? “What’s her number? Do you love her?” I said, “Hey, n*gga, where you get these fucking questions from?” And I look over at his mother, who got a whole list of questions, and she’s checking them off. “Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And don’t forget to ask if he wore a condom.” I said, “You wanna know the truth?” Fuck it. You wanna know the truth? I’ma tell you the fucking truth. Here’s the truth. The movie was very successful. I made a lot of fucking money, and I wanted to go somewhere hot where there was no mosquitos, so I went to St. Bart’s. And me and my boy rented a boat, and we went out to the middle of the ocean. And we saw some mermaids, “and they were drowning.” [Laughs] No, but re… [chuckles] real talk? You know, you gotta understand, fame is hard, man. I’ve been doing this shit for 30 years. And temptation is fucking real, man. Like, I could say “No” to a thousand girls. But, man, a thousand and one, sometimes they come with a thousand and two. And then they bring a thousand and three and four and…

[Deep voice] You know what it is.

[Normal voice] I love y’all, I thank y’all. Good night!

[Cheers and applause]

♪♪ ♪♪

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Nikki Glaser: Someday You'll Die (2024)

Nikki Glaser: Someday You’ll Die (2024) | Transcript

Nikki Glaser explores a variety of personal topics, such as her choice not to have children, the stark realities of aging, her sexual fantasies, and her thoughts on mortality—all presented in her characteristically hilarious, unapologetic, and brutally honest style.

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