Aired on September 19, 2019
Hey, hey. All right. Thanks. Sorry. A little sluggish. Really did it up last night. I got to take it easy on the booze, you know. My cousin’s a doctor. He thinks we should get rid of alcohol. Said it kills 2 1/2 million people every year, which is sad, but, I mean, think of how many people it produces. Yeah. It’s got to be like 3-to-1, you know? If my parents didn’t drink, I might not be here. I’m definitely going to name my kids after the substance that got them conceived. “This is my daughter Tequila. This is my son Jager.” “What about the kid hugging your leg?” “Ha! That’s Molly.”
Yeah, went out with my friend. He’s gay. We get along really well. He’s gay, I’m broke. I feel like poor people and gay people have a lot in common, you know, right? Both born that way. Yeah. Yeah. Women just want to be our friends. And when you finally tell your parents they’re like, “Yeah, we knew.” Yeah. Yeah.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yeah, we were drinking that White Claw. You guys ever touched — Yeah, that stuff’s — It’s too much. I like White Claw because it sounds like the new Marvel hero — White Claw, you know? Sounds like Wolverine’s overprivileged nephew, you know? White Claw’s superpower would be showing up to a wedding in flip-flops and driving his dad’s boat while hitting a Juul.
Yeah. I’m doing better, though. I used to black out four or five nights a week. I’ve cut back. Now my phone is my main addiction. Everybody goes, “Hey, phone addiction — better than alcohol.” I don’t know. Same side effects. Both dangerous while driving, both what I go to when I’m nervous at a party, and both have helped us all sleep with very regrettable people. Right? The phone is just the new booze. Both are fun, but if you do it too long, it just becomes depressing. You know, you drink too much, you’re like, “I hate myself.” You look at your phone too long you’re like, “Ah, even Jeff found love? God!” Yeah.
[Cheers and applause]
Yeah. It’s too much. Too much. Yeah. My biggest fear used to be the bar closing. That was, like, my biggest fear. Now my biggest fear is my phone dying, you know? Which is pretty good. 100 years ago, we had real problems. “My baby’s got the black lung. She might not make it through the night.” I’m like, “I’m at 2%. I might actually have to feel something.” Yeah. I’m hooked. Oh, geez. Yeah, I actually carry a battery pack on me now in case my phone dies. That’s insane. That’s like carrying a flask to fill up your empty flask. That’s where I’m at. And I don’t even know — can you quit a phone? You know, like, If somebody goes, “Hey, I gave up drinking,” I go, “Good for you.” If somebody goes, “Hey, I gave up my phone,” I’m like, “How did you get here?”
Yeah. The phone is ruining our lives. It’s bad. You know, I was walking down Third Avenue. I was next to a homeless guy. He was drunk. I was on my phone. We were doing the same stuff, you know? He’s yelling about the government. I’m tweeting at Trump, you know? He’s creepily staring at beautiful women. I’m scrolling through Instagram, you know? He’s flashing everybody. I’m sending a photo of mine. Yeah. I don’t know.
[Cheers and applause]
Yeah, we don’t know how to connect anymore. You know, my friend just got dumped, so I took him out, tried to wing-man him, meet some ladies for him. Didn’t go too well. You know, he got upset. He’s like, “Screw this. Let’s go to a strip club.” I don’t get that logic. You know, to me, that’s like going fishing, not catching anything, and being like, “Screw this. Let’s go to the aquarium.” It’s the same thing. Yeah. Yeah. [Cheers and applause] Oh, yeah. The only difference is — no one leaves an aquarium going, “I tell you — I think that flounder was into me. That’s one hot piece of bass.” Yeah. Yeah. I don’t know. We’ll figure it out.
I got to figure something out. I’m 35. You know, I’m at the age where all my friends are getting divorced. And, yeah, it’s tough. I’m surprised people still want to get married. That shocks me, especially younger people. They’re so against traditional stuff, you know? But, yet, every lady I know is dying to get married, which blows my mind. Ladies, you’ve come so far, so much progress, but, yet, when it comes to marriage, you guys get very old-fashioned. “I want the ring and the dress and the party.” What? Grow up. Ladies, you’re killing it. Go frolic, be free. “But it’s my special day.” All right. Why do you have to ruin mine?
I don’t know. But that’s why you ladies are brilliant. You gals are geniuses, ladies, because you guys tend to be the ones who want to get married, yet, somehow, you’ve designed it to where the man asks you. That’s some Jedi-level mind trickery right there. Yes. Well-played. Right? Genius, ladies. Genius. You’re like Yoda. “I want to get married, but you’ll ask me.” Yes. You got it. “And you’ll get down on one knee.” No problem. “And you’ll buy me an expensive ring.” Will do. “And whose idea was this?” All Mine. Well-played, ladies. Well-played.
I don’t know. Am I nuts? Marriage just feels like the least-romantic thing on the planet. It’s legal. Ugh! Got to go to a courthouse, get a license. What’s the license for? That’s the only license we don’t check, by the way. Driver’s license, liquor license. People check a fishing license. I’m gonna start checking marriage license. Next time I see a short, broke, weird guy — he’s like, “That’s my hot wife over there” — I’m gonna be like, “Let me see some I.D.”
Thanks a lot. I’m Kevin Hart. Thank you. ♪♪
[Cheers and applause]
-Hey! Mark Normand.
