This is getting off the rails here. What’s that now?
– [MAN] Italian.
What are you doing here? You should be hitting your wife.
All right. What’s that over there?
[MAN SHOUTS] Epstein!
Epstein. I’ve been to the island.
Um… – [LAUGHTER]
I was 14. I got to meet Bill Gates.
You know, Ghislaine, she got 20 years. R. Kelly got 30, you know.
She’s gotta be thinking, “Thank God I didn’t pee on those kids.”
[MAN] How big is your cock?
How big’s my cock?
I don’t know, ask your mom.
But, uh… [LAUGHS]
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
[MAN] Hey, Mark, it’s Seinfeld.
I’m just kidding. Where the hell are you? You’re late.
I’m coming right now.
[ANNOUNCER] Ladies and gentlemen,
[MARK] All right. Here we go.
We got it. All right. Yeah.
Here we go. Comedy, huh?
Hey, we’re really doing it, folks.
Good to be here. Thanks for coming out.
You guys can put ’em back in this town, you know.
I drink too much too. I gotta cut back.
You know, they say two and a half million people die every year from alcohol? Which is sad, but think about how many people it produces.
Gotta be like three-to-one, you know?
If my parents didn’t drink, I might not be here.
I’m definitely gonna name my kids after the substance that got them conceived.
“This is my daughter, Tequila. This is my son, Jäger.”
“What about that kid hugging your leg?”
“Ha! That’s Molly.”
Man, I was hungover last week. Couldn’t get out of bed.
You ever been so hungover, you see what you’re gonna be like as an old person?
When you’re real hungover, you turn into a senior citizen.
You wake up, you don’t know how you got there.
Your body hurts, you’re weak, you’re shaking, you’re popping pills.
Someone’s like, “Where are your friends?” You’re like, “I lost ’em all.”
Your buddies talk about you like you’re old.
“We took him out last night. He shit himself.”
“He made a scene, he fell.”
“He blamed everything on China.” [LAUGHS]
When I was in college, I got a DUI. I had to volunteer at an old folks’ home.
They were 98, I was hungover. We were exactly the same.
Both shuffling down the hallway in our pajamas.
Some old lady’s like, “When’s the pain gonna end?”
I’m like, “I know, right?”
She’s like, “They took away my license.” I’m like, “Same here.”
She’s like, “I got an STD in this place.” I was like, “Yeah. My bad.”
That’s drinking for you. It’s fun, but it’ll get you into trouble.
My friend got drunk one night, blacked out, hooked up with somebody, got herpes.
Yeah. So he quit drinking.
[QUIETLY] Kept the herpes, but…
But booze was our whole relationship.
Now every time we hang out he wants to do activities.
Horseback riding, canoeing, cycling.
I’m like, “Just ’cause you have herpes
doesn’t mean we have to live out the commercial.”
He’s like, “You don’t get it. I got side effects.”
“I got suicidal thoughts, insomnia, depression.”
I was like, “Shit, maybe I have herpes.”
When I was younger, everybody smoked cigarettes when they drank. That’s over.
Anybody still rippin’ butts?
Hey, all right, we got a couple. You guys are rare now.
When I was a kid, everybody smoked. My mom, my grandmother.
Now smoking’s kinda shameful.
Weed used to be a drug, used to put you in jail.
Now weed got its medical degree and turned its life around.
Those two completely traded places.
You wanna smoke a cigarette now, you gotta go behind a dumpster.
People are like, “What are you doing?” You’re like, “Uh, paying a hooker.”
“I’m not smoking, I’ll tell you that right now.”
On the flip side, you can pop an edible at noon.
[SPACED] “Hey, I have anxiety. Whoa.”
Those two flipped.
If my mom had caught me smoking weed, she’d have sent me to boarding school.
Now your mom finds your weed, she’s like, “Sativa? What a pussy.”
Weed’s everywhere now. It’s borderline healthy.
How do you punish a kid for smoking weed these days?
I got caught smoking cigarettes. My dad made me smoke the whole pack.
It was hell. What do you do with a kid with weed now?
“We found a roach in your room. You gotta smoke this whole eighth.”
He’d be like, “Well, put on The Office, ’cause…”
“…we’re going in.”
I was high the other day, walking round New York.
I saw a blind guy being walked into traffic by his seeing-eye dog.
I stepped in. “Whoa, buddy, can I give you a hand?”
He goes, “I don’t need your charity, you piece of shit.”
I was like, “Hey, blind guy.”
“I’m over here.”
Also, can you afford to be a prick? You’re pretty vulnerable.
I could just nut-check you. You’d never see it coming.
I was fascinated with this mean blind guy. I’m watching him with his seeing-eye dog.
I thought, you know what? Who picks up his shit?
The blind guy’s not doing it.
This might be the best life hack of all time. I’m gonna steal that.
Next time I walk my dog, I’m not bringing plastic bags.
I’m bringing some sunglasses and a wiggly stick, right?
My dog takes a crap, some guy’s like, “‘Scuse me, sir.”
I’m like, “I’ve never seen a sunset.”
“Must be nice.”
It’s too expensive where I live. Everybody’s got nine roommates.
I used to live with a gay guy. Any gay guys here?
Hey, all right.
Good to have you.
Thanks for coming out.
Yeah. My gay roommate was great. He was always on the prowl.
That’s what’s gotta be nice about being gay.
You like dick, and you have one. Hmm.
That’s pretty good.
I like vagina. You know how much work it was to get vagina?
You gotta go out and tell a story and lie.
But a gay guy’s like, “Man, I want some dick tonight.”
“Ah, I struck out.”
“What do we have here?”
“Hey, things are looking up!”
That’s why I never understood homophobic guys.
You know, “How could a man ever suck a dick?”
I’m like, “I’ve tried, it’s just not long enough.”
I’ve done a ton of gay shit to me, right?
Every guy in here is super gay for their dick, right? Sir, you’ve given a million hand jobs to one dick, you know? ‘Cause dicks are like kids. You like your own, but the other ones are weird.
Men even treat their dicks like kids.
We wash it, we take care of it, we name it.
We go, “You wanna see a photo?” People go, “No, thank you.”
The only difference is, you beat your kid at the mall, nobody stops you. [CHUCKLES]
I grew up in Louisiana. A lot of homophobia.
I grew up with a guy who hated gay people.
He was obsessed with gay guys taking the rainbow.
That was his big beef.
“Gay guys took the rainbow.”
That might be the gayest complaint I’ve ever heard in my entire life.
Took the rainbow? They just made it their flag.
And we all know, God hates flags.
A better argument would be mentally challenged people taking the word “special.”
That’s a better argument. That word’s changed a lot over the years.
Special ed, special needs, Special Olympics. It’s confusing now.
I go to a restaurant, “Wanna hear the specials?”
I’m like, “What the fuck you guys cooking?”
“What the hell’s going on in that kitchen, huh?”
Whatever it is, I’m sure it’s slow-cooked.
But either way, I don’t know.
Mm, mm, mm.
But, you know… These are weird times we’re living in. We’re hung up on sexual orientation these days.
Like transgender, what do you think?
It’s a tough one. Yeah.
It’s a hot button issue. People get worked up.
On the news, “Gender neutral bathrooms. Should be a man and a woman.”
“I don’t wanna shit next to trans person.”
Whoa, dude. I don’t wanna shit next to anybody, okay?
I’ve never thought about the type of person I’m shitting next to.
Who’s got time to decipher someone’s background when you gotta take a dump?
If I get diarrhea at a restaurant, I run to the bathroom.
I’m not like, “Oh no, a Puerto Rican.”
“I can’t take a BM next to a PR. What the hell?”
I agree there should be two bathrooms, not divided by gender.
I think you should divide it by pissing and shitting. Hmm.
I don’t care who I’m shitting next to as long as they’re also shitting, right?
But if I walk into the shit room and see a trans person piss, I’m gonna go, “Hey, you’d better transition to a shit right now.”
“You’re in the wrong room, sister.”
But there’s a big debate these days.
“Are biological women the same as trans women?”
“Are the different? The same? Boopity boop.”
I think it’s like Coke and Pepsi.
Always that one guy, “I love Coke, but I hate Pepsi.”
“All I got’s Pepsi.”
“I hate that shit.”
Hand him a Pepsi, “Here’s a Coke.” He goes, “This is pretty good.”
I’m like, “Well, you just fucked a trans person.”
Yeah, it’s all fluid, right?
There’ll always be that guy who goes, “Some people have no gender.”
Yeah, that’s Coke Zero. [CHUCKLES]
But what the hell do I know?
I grew up in the ’90s. It was like, “I don’t see color.”
“We’re all the same. Treat everybody equally.”
Now, we’re obsessed with everyone’s differences.
You flip through HBO Max, it’s all these categories.
“Strong Black Women.”
I know you’re trying to be progressive, but porn’s been doing this shit for 30 years.
You’re never gonna out-inclusive porn.
All these networks patting themselves on the back.
“We have a gay section.”
Porn’s like, “We have a gay, senior citizen, dwarf in a wheelchair section.”
“You’re not more open-minded than us, right?”
Talk about representation.
I’ve been watching Asian culture since high school.
HBO’s like, “We have a family section.”
Porn’s like, “We got that and stepfamily. Come on.”
But Chicago, gotta be said, beautiful women in this town.
None here. But, uh…
I’m joking. I’ll go down on you.
But, you know…
Ladies, you look great. Beautiful.
Definitely the better-looking gender, I think we all agree.
Like, ladies, you guys are even sexy on accident.
You see a woman bend over or see down her shirt for a second.
You’re like, “Whoa!” That’s a great moment.
You see a guy in short shorts, something pops out.
You’re like, “Oh, call the police.”
Yeah, the female form, it’s a work of art.
Ladies, you look better the more skin you’re showing.
Bikini, lingerie, mini skirt.
Men look better the more covered up we are.
Business suit, tuxedo, man in uniform.
I think a female strip club should be a guy coming out naked and slowly putting clothing on, you know?
Some lady’s like, “Whoo! Put on that blazer! Yeah!”
By the end, she’s like, “Oh damn, he’s an astronaut.” [SIGHS]
Ladies, you’re so hot, you touch your own body in bed.
You’re on top like, “Oh yeah.”
No guy wants to touch himself. No guy’s like, “All right, look at that.”
‘Cause I think you’re more turned on by men’s skills than our actual looks.
Men, we’re all visual.
We go to a strip club, “Yeah, dance on that pole.”
At a female strip club, it’s more like, “Yeah, install that pole.” Hey?
And you’re so mysterious. We have no idea what turns you on.
You know everything that turns us on. We don’t know what you like.
I asked my wife, “What turns you on?” She goes, “I like a man who listens.”
I don’t know. I tuned out. But…
Every woman’s different. I asked a friend, “What turns you on?”
She goes, “I like a man with intelligence.”
How does that work in the bedroom? Some guy’s like, “Ah, hypotenuse.”
I’m not a big strip club guy. I’m too awkward. I’m not cool.
Some guys are good at strip clubs.
Getting a lap dance, they’re like, “Yeah, bitch.”
Or whatever. I don’t know.
I’m too awkward.
I was in the back room once, getting a dance.
Lady’s grinding me. She’s like, “What do you do?”
I’m like, “I’m a comedian.” She goes, “Tell me a joke.”
I was like, “Look, I’m not at work. You are.”
She didn’t like that joke.
But hey, I’m doing all right.
I had sex with my wife today. Or, as she calls it, microdosing.
I remember when we got engaged.
She was like, “You gotta post about the engagement.”
I was like, “Why? This is between us. Who cares about social media?”
She’s like, “I want people to know.”
“Well, I want you to post about that threesome we had.”
She’s like, “Why would I do that?” I’m like, “I want people to know.”
She’s like, “Are you kidding? This is a bond between two people.”
I’m like, “This is better, it’s a bond between three.”
She’s like, “I’ve been dreaming about this since I was a kid.”
I was like, “Ah…”
A lot of girls dream about a wedding. A lot of boys dream about a threesome.
And the dream is very similar.
Who we’ll invite, where we’ll do it, and we gotta get a photographer.
She’s a great egg, but I can always find a new way to piss her off.
Touched her stomach the other day, she flipped out.
She’s got a nice stomach, just self-conscious about it.
People talk about private parts, like boobs are a private part.
I walk in a room, grab my girl’s boobs, she’s like, “Hey, how are ya?”
I grab her stomach, she’s like, “You wanna fucking die today?”
That’s a private part, right?
In the bedroom, she’ll cover it up so I can’t see it.
Which I get, ’cause I feel the same way about my butt hole.
I don’t want anybody seeing that thing.
Even after wild sex, I still have to walk out of the room backwards.
The stomach for a woman is the butt hole for a man.
The condition of both is very dependent on diet.
She’ll be like, “I can’t hook up, I had a burrito.”
I’m like, “Same here.”
But, like any couple, we fight. We got into it last week.
She’s like, “I’m gonna level with you. I need more compliments.”
I was like, “Oh shit.” So I took her to a construction site. Oh.
But it gets confusing.
We were walking around and a homeless guy catcalled her.
“Nice ass, baby!”
I was like, “There you go, huh?”
She’s like, “What are you gonna do about that guy?”
“I’m gonna go over and give that guy a couple of bucks.”
She’s like, “I don’t want a compliment from him.”
I’m like, “A compliment’s a compliment.”
She’s like, “I’ll take you to a gay bar, see how you like it.”
We go to a gay bar, guys are all over me.
“What do you think about that?” I was like, “I fucking love it.” So…
So that backfired, you know?
The new fight is, I bought a vintage car. She hates this car.
She goes, “I think you like the car more than you like me.”
It’s not that I like it more, it’s just easier to understand.
Let’s be honest, ladies. You can be vague and secretive.
Car’s pretty cut and dry.
Out of gas? Empty. Overheated? Hot. There’s no game for the car.
The engine of a car has never caught on fire and the dashboard says, “I’m fine.”
Yeah. I don’t know.
Men compare women to cars all the time. Ladies, you’re the opposite of a car.
Your car is quiet, it’s running great. Girlfriend’s quiet, you’re in deep shit.
Girlfriends and cars have nothing in common.
Except for the fact that my last one was stolen by a Black guy.
I think men are more like cars.
We’re gassy, we’re fixer-uppers. We kill people sometimes, right?
And, ladies, if we stop working, you can just go electric.
I think men are more like cars. Ladies, you’re more like horses.
Beautiful creatures, long legs, ponytail.
Expensive to feed, always need new shoes, we slap you on the ass, and once we see you take a shit, the magic’s over. But…
But we got some couples here tonight, huh?
There you go. You guys swing?
You can tell you’re close with your lady when she starts farting around you.
I think that’s the true test.
And I get it, ladies. It’s a biological function.
But can we keep it under ten a day? What do you think?
You don’t want that to become your thing.
You’re at a party. “Who ripped one?” “Classic Claire.”
[CHUCKLES] “Every time.”
Farting for a woman’s a tough look.
Farting for a woman is like crying for a man.
We all pretend to be open-minded, but that shit’s a bummer, you know?
The other day, I was going down on her. She farted, I started crying.
She was like, “Aw, you need a tissue?”
I was like, “Do you?”
What about fart’s wacky cousin, queef?
Love a good queef.
A lot of ladies get self-conscious, embarrassed.
I say queef it up, sister. It’s nice to see that thing talking for once.
Love a queef. Big fan of the queef.
I went down on a girl once, she queefed, my hair went… [EXHALES]
It’s a hell of a time. You know what a queef’s like?
It’s like when the subway goes by and you get that dirty air, you know?
Sure, it’s not the most sanitary, but it’s hot down there, it’s refreshing, goddammit!
But you gotta be empathetic to the queefs, fellas.
Ladies, you’re more empathetic, more thoughtful.
You think about others. Men don’t think about others.
We think about ourselves, you know?
I go to dinner with my girl, she says, “Can’t eat here, the chef’s homophobic.”
I’m like, “Great, we’re not gay. We’re good.” Yeah?
That’s how I think. Men don’t think about others.
I was watching tennis with my buddy. I go, “You know this guy hit his wife?”
My friend goes, “Yeah, he’s got a great backhand.”
You’re deeper, ladies. More emotionally intelligent.
Ask a woman what she likes in a guy, she’ll tell you what she likes because of how it makes her feel. “I like guys who are strong. I feel safe.”
“I like guys with money. I feel taken care of.”
Guys tell you what we like, not how we feel.
“What do you like in a woman?”
“A fat ass.”
“Hmm. How’s that make you feel?”
“Hard? I don’t know.”
Gotta be tough to be a lady in a lot of ways.
Some perks, ladies, you know.
Like, you’re allowed to announce your standards in public.
When men announce their standards, we look shittier.
I was hanging out with some friends. We’re drinking. Talking about our type.
My gay friend was like, “I like muscles on a man.”
All right, gay guy, muscles.
My lady friend, “I like a tall guy.” Yeah, women like tall guys.
“What do you like, Mark?” “Skinny girls with big tits.”
They all went, “Oh, what a fucking asshole.”
“How come you’re allowed to shame me for what I’m attracted to?”
“You guys were shallow. Why can’t I be?”
“You like tall guys. I’m not a tall guy. I wasn’t like, ‘Classic whore.'”
I’d rather be taller but that’s my issue.
She’s like, “It’s messed up you won’t sleep with certain women.”
“What about the gay guy? He won’t fuck any women. Yell at him.”
You wanna be a good guy, it just gets confusing.
Ladies, where are we at on objectifying women? Is that bad?
It’s tough. Some women say, “Don’t ever objectify a woman.”
But ladies, you do it all day long.
Any time a woman posts on Instagram, every girl’s like, “Beautiful.” “Stunning.” “Sexy.”
Never seen a woman write, “Smart.”
Ladies, you don’t like when men objectify women if they’re hot. But if they’re traditionally unattractive, you love it.
Smoking hot girl walks in. “Damn, she’s sexy as hell.”
If a lady rolls in on a scooter with an eye patch, “Damn, she’s sexy as hell.”
“This is a great guy right here.”
Isn’t he still a creep? If you’re not threatened, you’re on board.
A guy puts up a poster in his cubicle, big breasted swimsuit models,
“Jeez, you pig.” “Oh no, they’re trans.”
“Hey, good for you.”
But isn’t he still a pig?
“Is that a Victoria’s Secret poster?” “Yeah, it’s the one with Down’s syndrome.”
“Oh, carry on. Carry on.”
Like, why does that make it okay?
How about that, a Victoria’s Secret model with Down’s syndrome. That’s exciting.
Yeah, she’s really pretty. I mean, I’d go downs on her.
Good for her. I support. I’m on board. I’m a fan.
I feel bad for the girl who didn’t get the job.
“Who got it?” “You don’t wanna know.”
“Kill yourself. Get out of town. Change career. Don’t tell anybody.”
But I also understand, ladies.
You’ve been held down by your looks for generations. That sucks.
My brother’s got a cute little daughter. My mom got her a Barbie.
The wife’s like, “No daughter of mine is playing with Barbie.”
“Why not?” “Barbie sets unrealistic body standards for girls.”
Of course Barbie’s unrealistic. That’s why kids like her.
Nobody wants a realistic toy.
Like every man toy. Twelve-pack, huge arms, giant legs. They’re toys.
“She’s gonna think she has to look like her.” No, she’s not.
I’ve never heard of a girl with a Barbie, “Damn, guess I gotta cut off my nipples.”
Girls aren’t stupid.
I get it. It’s a new day. Gotta be inclusive.
Gotta have plus-size Barbie, Chinese Barbie, blind Barbie.
You know who’s never changed? Ken. Huh.
Ken’s a good-looking guy, full head of hair.
There’s no bald Ken, drunk Ken, abusive Ken.
Nobody wants a realistic Ken.
He pulls up in the Dream Car, gets a DUI.
Barbie’s like, “I told you so.”
He’s like, “Shut up, you fucking skank. I’ll kill you”
Nobody wants that.
If you ask me, Ken is quietly the most inclusive, ’cause he’ll fuck any Barbie. He doesn’t give a shit.
“What is that? Wheelchair Barbie? Yeah, roll her over here, I don’t care.”
Now, that’s inclusive.
I would’ve killed for a Barbie growing up.
My parents wouldn’t buy us any cool toys. They bought us board games. [GROANS]
Even the names of board games are a bummer.
And the saddest of all, Life.
What kind of twisted, messed up game for a kid is Life?
Life’s hard, life sucks.
You play games to escape life, not dive right in.
You got a kid outdoors, playing with his friends.
You drag him inside to play a game about mortgage and divorce?
[GROANS] That’s too real.
“Pick a card, Timmy. What’d you get?” “I got herpes.”
“It says you sent a tweet ten years ago that came back to haunt you.”
“Man, life sucks.”
Hate a board game. Remember Clue? I hated Clue.
Professor Plum in the study with the candlestick.
That’s not relatable. Who’s dying from a candlestick?
You gotta update that stuff. Make it stuff that kills people now.
Gender reveal party.
Update it. Mark Normand in the hotel room under the BBW.
That’s how I wanna go.
I did mention Fentanyl. We have an opioid crisis.
Nobody seems to give a shit.
That guy’s hopped up. Yeah.
Yeah. When I was a kid, all I heard was weed was the gateway drug.
Remember? “Weed is the gateway drug.”
I disagree. I think it’s cereal.
All that sugar? Cereal’s getting kids high way younger than weed.
Kids look like addicts when they wake up.
“Damn, I need a bowl.”
I mean, diabetes, obesity. We pump that shit into kids early.
That’s why half the cereals are named after drugs.
Special K. You know?
Golden Grahams. Already dealing in grams. I don’t know.
If you go down the cereal aisle in Australia or Europe, it’s all health food. Heart healthy. Wholegrain. Fiber.
The cereal aisle in America is like a fucking acid trip, right?
It’s just bright colors and wacky cartoon characters.
Every cereal mascot looks like a cracked-out addict, you know?
You got a paranoid leprechaun and a jacked-up rabbit stealing shit from kids.
Tony the Tiger’s clearly coked-up.
[STRAINED] “They’re great, yeah!”
How about that wide-eyed toucan? “Hey, kids. Follow your nose.”
I know fentanyl and opioid and all that stuff’s dark.
I like dark humor. Some people get upset. Everybody’s entitled to their opinion.
To each his anal.
But, you know. You’ve gotta admit, though, if we’re a society that gets upset about jokes, that’s a sign we got it pretty goddamn good, you know.
Guy in Ukraine’s getting his face shot. We got people here like, “Zingers, ugh.”
Always blows my mind when somebody gets really upset about comedy.
I told a joke, this guy got pissed. He goes, “Apologize for that joke.”
I’m like, “Sorry?” He goes, “You didn’t mean that.”
I’m like, “I didn’t mean the joke either, you queef.”
“What are we doing here?”
But, you know, maybe it’s me.
Maybe it’s me. I’m too literal. Literal guy.
Definitely hurt me in some social interactions, you know.
Just last week, I was at a party. Girl comes up to me.
She goes, “Are you gay?” “Nah, I’m not gay.”
She goes, “Whoa. Nothing wrong with being gay”
I’m like, “I know. Just saying I’m not.”
“You’re getting defensive.” “Well, I’m not gay.”
“There’s nothing wrong with it.” “I know, but I’m not.”
She wouldn’t let it go. I got annoyed. I go, “Are you pregnant?”
“Screw you. I’m not pregnant.” “Nothing wrong with being pregnant.”
But we made up eventually.
We’re cool now, you know.
She was like, “I should be honest.”
“I was pregnant for about three months in college.”
I was like, “Oh, that’s when I was gay.”
But, you know, I’m an idiot.
I had a Tinder date ten years ago. Great date.
One of those magical nights, everything clicked.
Went back to her place. Fooling around, naked, giggling.
She goes, “Your Tinder pic, you look like a serial killer.”
I was like, “Damn, that’s not good.” Took the wind out of my sails.
She goes, “What did you think of my pic?” “I thought you looked easy.”
That’s what she did. She flipped out. She went nuts.
“Why are you mad? Nothing wrong with being easy.”
“Serial killer? Way worse.” Right?
“You said I look like I murder people. I said you look fun.”
“Why are you mad? I should be mad at you.”
I didn’t get it. Then I realized, I’m not a serial killer.
She is easy.
That’s when I realized you can’t say what someone is to them.
That’s mean. I learned that that night. You can’t say what someone is to them.
I’d never call a retarded person retarded. That’s just mean.
I’d call my friend retarded, ’cause he’s not retarded.
If a friend spilled Pepsi on my laptop. “What are you doing, you retard?”
If a retarded kid spilled Pepsi on my laptop, I’d be like, “Bubbles. Yay.”
‘Cause I’m not an asshole. I’m learning.
“By the way, I went on a date with a girl that looks easy.”
“You went on a date with a guy that looks like a killer.”
“What, are you fucking retarded?”
But I didn’t mean to insult the lady, you know.
“You got a problem with easy women?” “I’m here. What are you talking about?”
I think it’s crazy.
It’s 2023. We still make women feel bad for being promiscuous.
Sluts are the best, right?
Why make them feel bad?
The best time to be a promiscuous woman was Native American times.
Inca, Aztec, Mayan.
They used to sacrifice virgins to the gods. Throw them in a volcano.
Holy shit. I’d be the biggest tramp on the reservation.
It could save your life.
Chief walks up. “Ma’am, crops are dying. We gotta sacrifice a virgin.”
“Are you a virgin?” “No, huge whore.”
“You are way off, baby. Way off, all right?”
“I give the best arrowhead on this side of the wigwam, okay?”
“You don’t know what you’re dealing with. I put the ‘ho’ in Navajo out here, okay?”
Yeah, you know my tribe name, Spread Eagle? That’s me.
I think I like that system better.
Reward the fun gals, get rid of the boring ones.
You know there was some chief up on the volcano going, “You should’ve fucked me.”
“Whoa. Hey. All right. Shit. Look at that.”
Nothing wrong with being promiscuous.
Don’t let anybody make you feel bad about that.
But, ladies, you gotta own being sluts. Sometimes you slut-shame yourselves.
That’s not gonna help the movement, huh?
You have sex with a girl. You’re like, “I gotta go.”
“You’re gonna leave? I feel like a whore.”
It’s like, “Yeah, you are.”
“And that’s okay.”
“I don’t want you to think I’m a slut.” “No, I knew.”
There’s nothing wrong with it, remember?
You can’t tell people not to slut-shame and do it to yourself.
It kills me when I see women trashing promiscuous women.
“How about Rachel? What a whore.” “What do you mean?”
“She fucks a new guy every weekend.” “So what? What do you do?”
Every girl goes, “I get dinner and drinks out of him. Spend some money first.”
“Wait, you’re calling her a whore and you’re a prostitute.”
Isn’t that weirder? She’s banging guys she likes for free.
You’re like, “How much lobster can I get with this clam?”
Isn’t that way whorier?
I don’t know.
What do I know? I’m a feminist.
But, you know.
A lot of prostitutes walk around my neighborhood.
You’re supposed to say sex worker now, but I’ve given enough money, I should be able to call them whatever I want. But…
Sex is just such a strange thing.
We all have sex. We like sex. You guys have sex.
Please, send me a video.
You know, sex is fun. We like it.
If you charge for it, all of a sudden there’s a stigma.
Weird. Sex is the only thing on earth that gets sadder when you go pro.
Nothing else is like that.
“My friend’s a great bowler.” “That’s cool.”
“My other friend’s a professional bowler.” “That’s a shame.”
Either way, bowling or prostitution, holes are getting fingered in an alley.
Yeah, I’ve been with a lot of promiscuous gals in my day.
Paid for a couple of big old aborshes.
That’s a thing, you know.
One time I left the abortion clinic with a lady and there’s a guy protesting.
He goes, “You’re a goddamn murderer.”
I don’t know about murderer. I really more just hired a hitman.
He’s like, “If it was up to me, you’d be in jail.”
If I go to jail for this, I want murderer status.
I wanna look tough.
The guys talking. “What are you in for?” “Grand theft auto.” “Assault.”
I’m like, “Murder.”
They’re like, “Damn! Who’d you kill?”
I’m like, “Huh! A relative.”
They’re like, “Whoa, why’d you do that?” I’m like, “Caught him inside my girl.”
I miss that gal. She was fun, she was wild.
After the abortion, she was like, “We should celebrate with a drink.”
I was like, “I don’t think you should drink on an empty stomach.”
Ah. All right.
But, you know, it’s good you guys can come out for a yuk.
I know times are weird. The economy’s in the toilet.
Gas prices are higher than Hunter Biden.
Who knows what’s going on out there, you know?
All my friends are broke.
One of my friends is broke but still buys the most crap.
He just bought a Peloton.
You ever see one of these things?
Three grand for this thing.
Imagine explaining a Peloton to someone in a Third World country.
Some guy with no shoes on, on a dirt road, shabby clothes.
“Whoa, you spent $3,000 on a bike? Must be pretty fast.”
“Doesn’t move. Just sits in the living room.”
“In the living room? When you pedal, it generates power for your home?”
“No. Uses a lot of power. Got a big screen on the front.”
“Big screen? When you use it, you watch funny TV shows?”
“No, a better-looking person yells at you.”
“Oh. This thing sounds terrible. What’s the upside?”
“You eat too much takeout, you gotta burn some calories.”
“Whoa, whoa. What’s takeout?”
“That’s where a guy on a bicycle brings food to your house and you pay him.”
“Wait. This guy’s got a real bike and you give him money? Why not do that?”
[SCOFFS] “What am I? A fucking immigrant? Come on.”
That’s America. Yeah.
Any immigrants here tonight?
Hey, how are you? Where you from?
[MARK] China? All right. Sorry about the balloons. But, um, all right. Good one. Good to have you. Thank you. Just don’t cough.
Ireland? I was hoping for something browner.
All right, okay.
Thanks for being here. And you seem sober, which is shocking.
Pakistan? Hey, hopefully only one of us bombs.
I don’t even know if that’s a thing. Um…
Mexicans? Are you Mexican, sir?
Yeah, you’d look cute in a cage. All right.
Somebody check his papers, huh? All right.
Sorry, that was a spicy one.
Good to have you. Sorry, sir. That joke was over the line.
And so are you. But, uh…
I’m jealous of immigrants, I really am. My buddy’s a Mexican immigrant. Been here eight years. He loves America. He never thinks about the bad parts. We got a lot of bad history. Slavery, Civil Rights, oppressing women, homophobia. He’s like, “I just got here.” [LAUGHS]
What a great position to be in.
All the fun of America, not much of the hardship. It’s like becoming a firefighter on September 12th.
Immigrants are great. Immigrants tend to appreciate America more than most Americans.
I’m from here, born and raised. I’m spoiled. I take it for granted. My grandparents are immigrants from Sicily. They never shut up. The American dream, the freedom, the opportunity. And I’m like, “Where the fuck’s my Uber Eats?” “Where the hell is that Pakistani with my food, goddammit?”
Yeah. But I thought that was the big dream. You come to America, you make it big, you make a couple of bucks, you get rich. Boy, the rich thing is weird now. Feels like we hate rich people. Isn’t that weird? See that online a lot. “Fuck the rich, kill the rich, eat the rich.”
Why are we all shitting on the thing we wanna be?
Like making fun of old people.
“Look at that old bastard. Probably shit his pants.”
Yeah, that’s the goal.
We’re all hypocrites.
We all go to 7-Eleven, “Gimme that scratch-off.”
Guy goes by in a Ferrari. [IMITATES CAR]
“Rich prick. Come on, big money.”
Which one is it? All of my friends are very left-leaning, liberal, “Down with hate, we gotta stop hate. But fuck rich people.”
“That feels pretty hateful.” “Well, I hate the 1%.”
Like, “Whoa, so you hate minorities?”
We’re all so compassionate these days till someone’s doing better than you, then fuck them.
Rich guy’s like, “My beach house burned down in Malibu.”
He’s like, “Well, my kids were in there.”
“I don’t get it. I invented something, now I don’t have feelings? Weird.”
All these absolutes now. “Rich people are all evil.”
That’s not how people work. They vary. Some are evil, some are nice.
“Cops are all bad.” No, some are bad, some are awesome.
“Teachers are heroes.” Some are heroes, some fuck their students.
And that student is a hero.
Yeah. All right.
I don’t hate any group. I like all the groups, you know?
I also like racial jokes.
Yeah, those kind of went away.
I grew up in a predominantly Black neighborhood.
We’d say horrible things to each other. Everybody got along.
You can’t make those jokes anymore, and we seem more tense than ever.
It was fun. Cut the tension, you know?
They’d be like, “Mark, you can’t dance.” I was like, “Well, you can’t swim. Ah!”
We’re still friends to this day.
Then some stiff white guy, “You can’t say that.”
You don’t know our relationship. That’s what we do.
You walk in on me choking my wife. “Call the police.” No, she loves that.
You don’t always know the relationship.
We’re just so obsessed with race now, it’s always on my mind.
On the phone with my insurance agent. “What color’s your car?”
I was like, “Jeez. I thought you were progressive.”
And, look, I’m a pretty progressive guy.
But sometimes we get so progressive these days
we actually end up kinda racist again.
I used to just have my friend. Now I’m very aware he’s my Black friend.
“Don’t say anything stupid. Don’t offend him.” That’s not progress.
I’m obsessed with his skin color now. Never thought about it before.
Everything I say, I’m second-guessing.
“You’re always banging your girlfriend. You’re like a sex slave.”
Ah, shit. Ah.
“No, I’m just saying, you know, you’re whipped.”
“No, I mean, you know, I just wanna hang.”
He’s like, “Screw this, I’m outta here.”
“All right, I’ll see you later.” Jesus Christ. Holy Hell.
That’s not healthy.
Hope no Jews are offended. We got any Jews here?
Hey, all right!
Just joking, Jews. Thanks for coming out. Love the tribe. And do something about this weather, will you?
I love the Jews.
My Jewish friends and my Black friends butt heads a lot over who had it worse.
That’s a big argument. Slavery or the Holocaust?
Got heated one night, almost came to blows.
My Black friend had to be like, “We’ve got stuff in common.”
“Let’s focus on that. We’re both oppressed.”
“Both contribute a lot to the arts, and our grandparents are both ashy.”
Just saying, Jews and Black people, a lot in common.
I go to my Black friend’s house, closet’s got a big pile of shoes.
Go to the Holocaust Museum, there’s a big pile of… You get it.
Big fan of the Jews. I hate to see the anti-Semitism bubbling up these days.
That’s a bummer. Some people aren’t having it.
I heard one guy go, “These Jews are acting like babies.”
“These Jews are acting like babies.”
I disagree. I think Jews are tough, I think they’re resilient.
I do, however, think babies are acting like Jews.
I was at a diner last week with my buddy. He’s Jewish.
A baby one table over. They were doing the same shit.
Both wearing little hats, you know.
Baby’s uncomfortable, squirming. I look at my friend, he’s like, “My back.”
The bill came, they both shit their pants and left.
But, you know, I make jokes, but I try to be a good honky ally to my Black brethren.
An awkward moment for a white guy is going to see a slave movie with your Black friend.
Awkward. Did that a few years back. Still haunts me.
Hanging out with two Black guys. “We should see a movie.” “Hell, yeah.”
“We should go see 12 Years A Slave.” I was like, “Ah. I’ll get the tickets.”
“It’s on me.”
We had to see 12 Years A Slave in Harlem in the theater.
I’m the only white guy in there. I’m so uncomfortable, I’m shaking.
My friend’s like, “What’s your problem?” “I want to leave, but I can’t.”
He’s like, “Now you know how the slaves felt.”
He’s like, “We did 400 years. You can do two hours.”
I was like, “Yes, Master.” [CHUCKLES]
And that is how I made slavery about me.
That’s what white people do. Yeah.
But I think we’re making progress.
We’ve got a Black mermaid now. That’s big. Yeah.
Can’t have a Jewish mermaid, ’cause you guys can’t fuck with shellfish.
But, you know.
We’ve got a Black mermaid. They’re making more.
Pixar’s doing a Rapunzel movie.
“Rapunzel, let down your hair.” Rapunzel’s gonna be Black.
Which is cool. But the Prince is gonna be white.
Gonna be awkward when he goes, “Rapunzel, let down your hair.”
And she’s gonna be like, “You’re not touching this shit.”
But it is horrible when you see some real racism go down.
I was on the bus last week. Black guy tried to get on the bus.
Driver’s like, “We’re full, buddy.”
He’s like, “I’m just trying to get on the bus.”
He goes, “You’re treating me like this ’cause I’m Black.”
I’m like, man, that is messed up to treat someone differently ’cause they’re Black.
Then I realized, wait a minute, we all do that.
Black guy says the n-word, no big deal.
White lady, you say the n-word, I get an erection.
But sometimes you should treat groups differently, you know?
If my white friend’s getting wild, “Dude, you’re crazy. You’re an animal.”
If my Black friend’s getting wild, I’m like, “Dude.”
“You’re crazy.” [CHUCKLES]
I’m way nicer to Black people than I am to white people.
I was at the gym, white guy playing his music really loud.
We’re all like, “It’s a public space. It’s rude. Get the hell out of here.”
He leaves. Twenty minutes later, a Black guy comes in.
He starts playing his music really loud. We’re all like, “Good tunes, brother.”
I had a guy go, “You do that ’cause you’re scared of Black people.”
I’m not scared of Black people. I’m scared of cell phone cameras.
That is terrifying, you know?
At a restaurant, a Black guy’s like, “I got you.”
Like, “Whoa. I said vinegar. Vinegar. What the hell?”
“Salt and vinegar.”
That’s a dicey one.
I like a dicey zinger. Some people get weird.
You know who doesn’t like dicey jokes? TV writers.
They’ve turned down everything I ever pitched.
I pitched this great sitcom about the 9/11 terrorists, but of course, they shot down the pilot.
But, you know.
You guys are fun. A lot of crowds are sensitive.
People are getting sensitive. My buddy is a vegan. Holy shit.
I’m walking on eggshells around him. He really hates that.
He’s a great guy, but going out to eat with him is a nightmare.
He’s got to have the Impossible Burger. You know about this?
Looks like meat, tastes like meat, feels like meat, but it’s not meat.
Weird. You hate something but want something just like it. Huh.
It’s like a lesbian with a strap-on.
You hate dick, but it looks like a dick, feels like a dick.
I can’t believe it’s not dick.
It’s beyond dick.
We got any lesbians here tonight?
Hey, all right.
I think that was a guy. Uh…
Lesbians are underrepresented.
I travel the country doing comedy. I see gay bars everywhere.
They always have funny names, like The Manhole or The Back Door.
Where’s all the fun lesbian bars? Where’s Clitz, with a z?
Clitz. Perfect name for a lesbian bar, ’cause no guy could find it.
And we’ll put it right in the hood. Aha.
All right. Yeah.
Comedy. All right.
But, hey, it’s good you guys are out now, ’cause you’re not watching the news. Too much news.
The news is dark. It’s on 24/7.
The news is more twisted than ever. Saw a news headline the other day.
“Transgender inmate impregnates female prisoner.”
I was like, “Wow.”
“Where is that porn?”
I’ve been watching porn my whole life, never saw a title that creative, right?
Man, the news is dark. The news is more fucked-up than porn now.
And it’s on everywhere. Every airport, bar, restaurant.
Put some porn on. I think we’d be in a better mood.
I was at the Amtrak station the other day. There was news on the wall, on TV.
“Man attacks multiple people on trains.”
Jeez, I’m about to get on an Amtrak.
Put some porn on, that’d be better.
Then it’s, “Man runs a train on multiple people.”
All right! Now I’m ready to board. Choo-choo. [LAUGHS]
The news is crazy. Isn’t it weird we have two news channels in America that tell you two completely different news?
How did that happen? Just tell me the news.
I don’t want your spin or bias.
Thank God we don’t do that with the weather.
Wouldn’t that be insane, if we had political, opinionated weather?
We’re going to the beach tomorrow, let’s check the left-wing weather.
“Hey, folks. 90 degrees outside. Beautiful day for an abortion.”
“We got some dark clouds coming in. Excuse me, clouds of color.”
“And, as you can see, we’ve got tropical storm Kelly brewing.”
“Slowly transitions to Hurricane Kevin, but we don’t judge.”
“We’re not sure what the future holds, but it’s female. Back to you, they/them.”
Holy moly, I was just trying to get the goddamn weather.
That was weird. I got nothing out of that. All right.
Let’s check the right-wing weather. Maybe that will be more informative.
“Hey, folks. Grab your boots, it’s 100% chance of storming the Capitol.”
“Oh yeah. Gonna be a lot of hailing and heiling out there, and…”
“We got some ice in the Midwest.”
“We need some ICE at the border, I’ll tell you that right now.”
“Grab your coats, ’cause we hate snowflakes. Ooh!”
“Praise the Lord, and back to you, sugar tits.”
Yeah, the news, it’s all politics now.
I’m so sick of politics. It’s the new sports team.
People make it their whole personality. It’s fricking exhausting. Yeah.
I look at politicians the same way I look at CBD gummies.
A lot of people believe in them, but I’m not sure they do anything.
They don’t fix problems anymore, just change the name.
“We’re not in a recession, it’s a financial hiccup.”
What? We’re all broke.
The banks are failing. What are you talking about?
They do it with everything. “He’s not obese, he’s a person of size.”
What? He’s fat as shit.
“He’s not homeless, he’s unhoused.”
He just diarrhea-d on my porch.
Like, who cares what we’re calling it. Let’s fix it.
How long till bad guys start doing that? “I’m not racist, I’m ethnically choosy.”
“I’m not a school shooter, I’m a student body minimizer.”
Ah, school shootings.
It’s a problem.
It’s a problem in this country. I was just in Canada.
They’re nicer than us. They don’t shoot each other.
They stab. Isn’t that nice? It’s kinda romantic.
We shoot in America. More efficient.
Shooting somebody is like breaking up via text. Easy, no mess.
Stabbing is like breaking up in person.
You see that look in their eye. “I know. This is hard for me too.”
Get back to your buddy, “How’d it go?” You’re like, “She fucking freaked out.”
Another reason women are better than men, you don’t see a lot of female school shooters.
What’s going on there? I googled it, there’s been two.
Huh. Anybody ever heard of them?
Isn’t that weird? Whether it’s gun violence or the WNBA…
…nobody’s watching these female shooters.
Man or woman.
Gotta put up some more numbers, ladies.
I think I can solve school shootings.
I know people love guns. It’s America, people wanna buy a gun.
But I think if a high-school kid buys a semiautomatic weapon, that should be a big deal. That should be public.
Let’s make that an event, like a wedding.
You gotta send invitations, get your family to the gun shop.
The shop owner, he’s like the priest.
He holds up the gun, “If anyone has any objections, speak now, or this guy will forever own this piece.”
And we get some feedback.
“I’m his uncle. I don’t think he should have that gun ’cause he was molested.”
“I know that ’cause I did it.”
“Probably a bad idea.”
I think half of these shooter kids are incel, virgin weirdos.
They need to get laid, but it’s harder to get laid than it is to buy a gun.
You can buy a gun at Walmart. You don’t wanna fuck anybody at Walmart.
That’s why every gun shop should double as a whorehouse.
Slow these kids down a little bit, you know?
Some angry kid comes in, “I need an AR-15.”
We’re like, “Whoa, whoa. How about a Brazilian 18?”
Yeah. Then some kid has sex with her, goes back to school, he’s like, “What the fuck was I so angry about?”
“Holy hell. Life is good!”
Someone’s like, “Are you smoking?” He’s like, “No, I’m paying a hooker.”
All right, thanks a lot. I’m Kevin Hart. You guys are great.
Have a good night. Comedy! Thank you.
Queef it up!
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]