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Marc Maron: From Bleak to Dark (2023) | Transcript

Legendary comedian and podcaster Marc Maron stars in his first-ever HBO comedy special filmed in front of a live audience at New York City's Town Hall.
Marc Maron: From Bleak to Dark (2023)

Legendary comedian and podcaster Marc Maron stars in his first-ever HBO comedy special filmed in front of a live audience at New York City’s Town Hall. Over the course of a personal and provocative hour, Maron tackles such topics as getting older, antisemitism and faith, and his thoughts on having children – especially during the pandemic. The comedian also opens up about reestablishing his complicated relationship with his father following a difficult diagnosis and the loss of partner Lynn Shelton in 2020. Darkly funny and fearless, Marc Maron: From Bleak to Dark showcases the long-established comedian’s deeply layered cynicism as he deftly weaves humor and ire into his signature style of storytelling.

Air date: February 11, 2023 on HBO Max.

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♪ (SOFT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you for coming.

I don’t want to be negative, but…

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

…I don’t think anything’s ever gonna get better ever again.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

I don’t wanna bum anybody out, but I think this is pretty much the way it’s gonna be for however long it takes us to polish this planet off.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

And don’t misunderstand me, I have no hope.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

I think if you have hope, what are you, fucking seven?

So…

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

…again, I don’t want to be negative, but you kinda know it’s true, right?

In your heart, you know that it’s fucking over, right?

I know it’s hard to handle…

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

…culturally, politically, climate-wise.

What are you gonna do about the climate? Nothing.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

I think in the back of our heads we’re like, “Well, you know, I don’t wanna get in the way of anything that Swedish teenager’s doing, you know?”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Like, “Greta’s got focus, she’s young, I think she’s gonna nail it.”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

And, look, I don’t know. I… You know, I have moments where I’m like, “What can I do?” And then you’re like, “What? Is that gnocchi?” You know, so, like it’s…

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Look, I’m doing a thing, that, uh, occasionally I’ll–

Well, yeah, I’ll do it now.

Just like, a lot of these ideas that I’m playing with, they’re hard to do, comedically.

So I’ve been working on a one-man show, sort of a serious one-man show, and I workshop it during the comedy act occasionally.

I’ll do it for you now.

It’s called Voices From the Future.

This is a multi-character one-person show where I play all the characters.

If you ever are like, you know, “Where’s Marc?” It’s still me, I’m here.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

So this is a one-person show, it’s called Voices From the Future.

It’s just random people saying random things in the very near future.

The show right now is running about a minute and 30.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

I picture that, when I produce it, it’ll be in a small black box theater.

You know, it’ll be dark and the lights will like, come up on each character, but I’ll just kinda mime that.

But you’ll get it.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Some references are to the West Coast, but I think you’ll get them and maybe I’ll throw one that’s-in that’s more appropriate to this coast.

Yeah, I’ll have to do a whole new character, but I think I can do it.

Right, so this is the first guy, Voices From the Future.

Okay, first guy, lights come up. “How close are the fires?”

Lights down.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

All right, this… (CHUCKLES) …this is the second guy, lights up.

“Will the fifth booster work on the Zephyr strain? ‘Cause I can’t see out of this eye, doc. I can’t see.” Lights down.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

All right, this is-This guy. All right, this is–

Hold on, this guy’s sad. (BREATHES DEEPLY) Okay.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Lights up.

“What, do you mean-You mean there’s no more water?”

Bring the lights down.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

Wait. All right, wait, there’s-Okay. So a East Coast one.

All right, this guy’s a-All right.

All right. Okay, okay, here we go. (GROANS) Lights up.

“Do they have the floatable seating at the restaurant downtown?”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Okay. Now, this last guy–

So, if you’re doing this at your community theater or, uh, your high school…

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

…uh, you’d want to cast, like, a working-class guy for this last guy ’cause he’s kind of the comic relief at the end.

Okay. (GROANS) Lights up. “You know, 130 is not that hot.”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

“Once you get out in it, it’s not that bad. Don’t be a pussy and hydrate!”

Thank you, Voices From the Future.

Appreciate it.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING, CHEERING)

So, like, I’m trying to cover a lot of territory, or a lot of things in this first chunk of this show, and it gets a little heavy, but you’ll be all right.

Um…

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

There’s-I think we have a stupid people problem and I’m not saying that as a condescending person or a-I’m not a genius, but I kinda miss old-timey stupid.

You know, I miss back-in-the-day stupid.

I miss, like, ten-years-ago stupid.

You know, stupid that had a little humility, where you could say things like, “You’re kinda dumb,” and they’d be like, “Yeah, I know.”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

“Well, it’s good you know that.”

“Well, I’m not that dumb. I mean, come on!”

“Well, good talk. Good luck with everything.”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

But now, there’s a new stupid, a brazen, sort of shameless, confident stupid.

They’re just loaded up with all kinds of bullshit information.

It has a tone to it.

I’ll try to do a little of it for ya, the tone.

“Oh, so, you’re a scientist?”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

And you can’t pull that same thing you used to be able to pull with the old stupid.

You can’t be like, “You’re kind of dumb.”

‘Cause they go, “What’s your source?”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

“What are you talking about?”

“Where are you getting your information?”

“Just talking to you right now.”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

“You gotta do your own research, bro.”

“I’m doing it in real time…”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

“…and I think my study’s almost concluded. And I’m stepping away slowly.”

So now, we’re just kinda half-waiting for the stupids to choose a uniform. Um…

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

I don’t know. Are you nervous?

Isn’t it weird that, like, you know, you get your information one place and they get there’s another place.

Everyone gets it at different places, but there’s definitely a strain of stupid where you hear guys do, like, “You know, you don’t have to get any vaccines ever. I was listening to this podcast.”

Most of the time that’s not going a good place.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

“I was with this podcast. You know, I was kinda in and out.”

“But…”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

“…I’m pretty sure the guy said that if you take a human growth hormone suppository and stick it up your ass hard until you get a boner, but it’s not a gay boner ’cause it’s your finger, so why would it be gay?”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

“And I don’t know if you know this, but there’s a man clit in your asshole that I found when I was watching UFC once. I was just poking around up there. And I told my bros about it, I’m like, ‘Do you know about the man clit in your ass?’ So, they were like, ‘What the fuck, dude?’ I’m like, ‘All right, you live your life.’ Anyway…”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

“…so when you get the boner, you stick it into a warm elk’s heart, which you can order from the guy’s website. Comes three in a package, frozen, and you just fuck it like a pocket pussy or a fleshlight. It’s not gay, it’s an elk’s heart. How would that be gay?”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

“And then you cum in it, and then you just throw it on a Traeger or whatever kinda grill you have. I have a Weber, but it doesn’t matter and you cook it up and you, like, eat it on a sandwich or– It’s not gay to eat your own cum if it’s cooked. Anyway…”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

“…if you do that and you eat it, you don’t have to get vaccinated for anything. Pretty sure that’s what the guy said. I was kinda in and out, was ordering supplements and, a new fleshlight and, you know, the uniforms are in, so I wanted to get a jump on that.”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

“And then I think the guy interviewed a professor of misogyny from Canada.”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

“That was really smart, man. He really knew what he was talking about. Someday when I have a woman, I’m gonna use some of it.”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

And now, there’s all these comedians, like, “I’m an anti-woke comic, man. I’m anti-woke and that’s why I don’t get work.”

“Really?”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

“You think that’s the reason?” (CHUCKLES)

“Yeah, man. We can’t say anything anymore. Like, me and all the other anti-woke comedians, we all wanna say our version of the same three things. And you just can’t–“

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

“You can’t say anything anymore.”

“No, I’m pretty sure you can say whatever you want, really.”

He’s like, “No, you can’t, man.”

“You can. There just may be consequences.”

“See, that’s the fucked up thing, the consequences.”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

“Well, maybe when you get your uniform, you can make that the first order of business, is getting rid of the consequences.”

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

(CHUCKLES)

“No, man. I’m anti-woke.”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Look, there’s problems. You know, I don’t wanna– But I don’t wanna say there’s a problem with Christian fascism, but…

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

…there might be a problem. And I’m not saying you’re all in on it, if you’re Christians, but, you know, you kinda are. Right?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Like, if you really think a flying Jew is gonna come back…

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

…and make everything okay, isn’t that, like, mental illness?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

I don’t wanna make anyone uncomfortable ’cause I know, a lot of you know that we have–

You know, as I’m speaking, and I guess I should make it clear that we have found recently that there is actually something that brings most people together, it’s antisemitism.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

And… (CLICKS TONGUE) …yeah.

I’m saying that as a Jew, and as a Jew, I’m saying that we will replace you.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

It’s… it’s happening, we’re all part of it. We’re doing it, we’re all doing our bit. You-There’s an app now we can replace you with.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

And it’s a commission thing. How-We get a certain kickback for the number of you replaced. I talked to my brother last week, he replaced, like, 76 last week. And every quarter, we get a check from Global Control HQ.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

It’s got the cool logo with the planet and the Star of David and gold leaf around it, signed by George Soros.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

It’s kinda cool, it’s almost frameable, but we cash them. So…

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

And I don’t know, like, I’m not religious, I’m a Jew, so…

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

And there’s a difference between Jews and Christians, obviously, I mean, I think if the relationship with God is different, if you look at the testaments, the Old Testament. It seemed like the relationship with Jews and God was basically, “What?”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

“What do you want me to do? Now? All right, all right. Don’t yell, don’t yell.”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Whereas I think the Christian relationship is more like… (WHIMPERS)

So…

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

But there’s not a racket. I don’t see the Jew thing as a racket. The Christian thing I see as a racket. It’s almost like, you know, “Here’s the New Testament, make it your own and grift as you will.”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

Right? I mean, and there’s a pitch to it.

that’s kinda genius.

And if you really break it down, the pitch is basically, “Everything will be amazing when you’re dead.”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

“Put some money in the jar.”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

But, look, the real problem right now with, uh, you know…

Christian fascism…

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

…is that, you know, Roe v. Wade was taken down.

Women, all women in this country have lost their physical autonomy and their rights and the weird thing is, I don’t hear men talking about it.

I hear no men talking about it.

Which is unusual to me because if you’re a guy with any game at all, you’ve paid for at least two of those.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

So you had something to say at some point in time.

I think most men are pro-choice, usually desperately.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

“Baby, it’s up to you. It’s your choice, but not a great time, right?”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

“I mean, for either of us, it’s just not a good time. I mean, fuck, right? Fuck! No, I’m not mad at you, it’s just my whole fucking life! I’m not crying, just do what you want! I’ll pay for it. I’ll drive you down there. I’ll take you to the place. We can get pancakes at that place you like.”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Or the entertainer’s version, “I’ll fly back into town, just tell me the day!”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

It’s hard to talk to people of faith about abortion if they have the whole murder frame in place.

If it’s murder to somebody, there’s really no conversation.

There’s no way to bridge it. You can’t do the, like, “No, it’s just cluster of cells, not unlike a tumor. It’s just… going a different direction, you know?”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(CHUCKLES) “With the same result sometimes, it’s just a longer game, really.”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

But a lot of it has to do with the language of choice which is… it’s practical, it’s medical.

You know, abortion, abortion clinic.

Easy to demonize, scary.

Like, if we shifted some of the language, we might be able to bridge a gap and have a conversation with people of faith. Maybe just–

Maybe we call them angel factories.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

I mean, that would be at least a conversation starter, right?

I didn’t-I don’t-I didn’t say abortion clinic.

I said an angel factory.

And how if the concern is getting souls to heaven, we need more of them, we need more.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Now…

Christians have corrected me on this.

One guy who wrote me an email.

It was a fairly heady email. It had two levels to it.

The first level was, “The number of angels is finite.”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

“Dead children do not become angels, they’re separate things. There’s only a given number of angels, good and bad. So you were wrong there.”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

And the other thing was, “If a soul needs-is gonna go to heaven, it needs to be baptized.”

So, I’m like, “All right, well there’s-That’s– We can troubleshoot around that.”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Right?

I mean, there’s a lot of priests around with a lot of free time, and historically, that’s not a great thing.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

But I say get the priests out in front of the angel factories with the water and the, whatever the kind of Latin hokum they need to do the little dance around.

And just do it for each woman coming in and then, boom!

Guaranteed soul right up to heaven, every time.

And I think that the vibe outside an angel factory with the Christians hanging out will be different than those at the abortion clinic. I think it’d be more festive.

Just like…

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

Just standing around watching the counter on the side of the building.

Maybe there’s a bell on top of it.

Bing! “Hallelujah! Praise Jesus. When the bell rings, an angel gets its wings. We are blessed today. We are blessed. Thank you, lady. Put a little money in the jar. You’re not off the hook.”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(CLICKS TONGUE) So, okay.

I know it’s a lot to get through, especially from a Jew.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(CHUCKLES) I don’t know why I do this.

I don’t know why every show, there’s part of me, that just wants to keep poking the Jew thing…

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

…just so people who think they don’t have anything against Jews, under their breath says, “We fucking get it, man.”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

(CHUCKLES) I just want you to find that part of you.

(SIGHS) All right. So… (CHUCKLES)

…I’m getting old. I’m 59. It’s not really old, but it’s ol-I’m in a–

(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

Yeah, whatever. I’m in a…

It’s no victory. (CHUCKLES) Just luck.

So-But it’s weird, you get to a certain age where like, like almost every night, right before I go to sleep, I’m like, “Is this it?”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Right? And then the next thought is always like, “I gotta get rid of some shit.” (CHUCKLES)

“I got too much shit, man.”

But I don’t always know that I’m getting older.

I don’t always feel it because I think it’s a few reasons, ’cause I don’t have kids.

I think if you have kids, you can kinda see you’re dying in your kids.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

I mean, maybe that’s cynical and I don’t really know, but I have to imagine at some point you’re like, “Happy birthday, son. How old are you today? Seventeen? Fuck, I’m dying.”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

“I’m sorry. I meant to say have fun today. I don’t know. I guess I was thinking out loud a little bit.”

Mirrors don’t really help.

I mean, they do, but that you can’t trust them.

You have a relationship with your mirror.

It’s the same thing you look at every day.

You have a codependent relationship with the mirror that you look in every day where you gaslight yourself into believing that you’re hanging in there.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

I don’t know what your ritual is, but it’s probably something along the lines of…

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

And then you walk out into the world totally deluded… that you look the age you think you look.

The only time I know how I’m getting old, or that I am getting old, is when I look at pictures of myself.

Then it’s-It’s somehow, it’s clearer to me ’cause it’s separate.

And I look at pictures and I’m like, “Oh, my God, look at my old head! Look at my old, big head! When did my head get big and old?”

And it did, and there’s nothing you can do under your head that’s gonna diminish from your old head.

No matter how you dress. Everyone–

People are gonna be like, “Cool boots, old head though, right?”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

“Yes, it is an old head. It’s an old, honest head. I do nothing to it.”

I can’t dye my hair. Who the hell–

How can you dye your hair in your mid fifties as a dude and just-What, you just expect everyone in your life to play along with that decision, like…

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

You just show up one day and everyone’s like, “Oh, fuck, I guess that’s who he is now.”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

“What do you think, man? You think-Does it look good?”

I’m like, “What are you going for, Dracula? If you’re going for Dracula, you nailed it.”

“I did it myself.” “I can tell, you dyed your scalp.”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Think it’s a little late to go through a goth period, don’t you? Am I wrong?

And I think about what kind of old guy I’m gonna be.

I don’t know, like, you know, I’m approaching it, but, like, I know guys in their eighties.

Like, and I’ve decided that there’s like two kinds of old guys in their eighties.

Like, there’s the kinda guy that no matter what kinda life he had, you know, he’s got some humility, he knows where he’s at in his life.

You know, he’s got a certain amount of acceptance, you know, the kinda guy that’s like, “Yeah, you know, life was hard, but, you know, it was up and down. But I’m just happy to have another day. I’m grateful, and I’m just gonna sit here and watch the water.”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Right? That guy.

And then there’s the other guy in his eighties that no matter what kind of life he had, in his mind, he got fucked somehow.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

“The whole thing was bullshit. It was all bullshit. No money left. No fucking money. Two ex-wives. No money. One of my kids doesn’t talk to me. The one that does is a moron.”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

“Fuck the whole thing, it was bullshit. Just gonna sit here and watch this asshole, watch the water.”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

“My best friend here, the water watcher. Not mad at this guy.”

“Not today, you’re not, but yesterday–“

“Shut up. Don’t talk.”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

MARC MARON: I have old guys in my life. My dad’s still alive. My dad is 84 years old.

Don’t. No. Don’t.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

I get-Don’t. Hold your applause…

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

…’cause I have to preface this material by… with some honesty. My-For most of my life, my father was very self-centered.

He had bipolar, emotionally abusive, narcissistic fuck.

Now, the only reason I’m telling you that is because I don’t want you to have the wrong amount of empathy…

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

…when I do these next few jokes. I don’t want you, I don’t want you rooting for the wrong guy.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

My father’s 84, recently diagnosed with dementia.

We’re all pretty excited.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Everyone’s dealing with this, everyone’s dealing with this.

And I gotta be honest with you, he’s right at the beginning, so he’s still got almost all his old memories.

Day of stuff’s a little tricky. But to be honest, he’s very pleasant to be around right now.

He’s open, he’s kinda funny. He’s warm.

Look, I guess what I’m saying is, I know it’s a terrible disease, but don’t miss the sweet spot. It’s…

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

…I think it’s right at the beginning.

It’s just lovely. It really is just lovely.

I’ll just walk up to him and be like, “How you doing, Dad? How you doing?”

I rub his little head.

People get uncomfortable when they think of me rubbing my dad’s head.

What am I supposed to be doing?

“What’s my name?”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

“Where do you live? Do you know where you live? What day is today?”

That’s what they’ve earned at 84 is for you to selfishly yell at them thinking it helps as they look at you confused and crying.

But I’m showing up for him, which is interesting, you know, because we did have a difficult relationship and it’s kinda nice to live to be my age and have your parents alive, because, look, I’m one of those people.

I have a hard time when people my age say, “Aren’t you a little old to still be mad at your parents?”

“No.”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

“They did it.”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(APPLAUDING, CHEERING)

(CHUCKLES) I love my audience because I just know there’s a room full of people that were-They only had maybe one good parent.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Maybe. So it’s a big room full of broken toys in here.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

(CHUCKLES)

Every day is a fucking challenge and you’re overly sensitive and just… (CHUCKLES) …battling dread all the time and wondering if you’re talented.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

So… So, my dad, so, he’s like-Okay, so, here’s the thing.

I’m like, I’m showing up for the guy, like I said before.

And it is weird, but something gives way, no matter how difficult the relationship was between you and that parent or both of them.

Like, you get old enough, and, you know, in your mind, you’re sort of like, “I kind of won.”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

So, I’m gonna go out there, you know?

But I go out there to hang out with him.

You know, the dementia is new to him, it’s new to me.

I don’t know his life that well.

And I’ll take him out to this Chinese place.

The last time I was there, we go to the Chinese place and I order, you know, soup and some entrées.

And we’re just sitting there, me and my dad, just sitting there, and he just picks up his soup spoon and he fills it with soy sauce.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

And he’s looking right at me, right in my face. (SLURPS)

And he just sucks the spoonful of soy sauce down.

And my only thought in that moment was, “I didn’t know my dad did that.”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

“I really haven’t gone out to Chinese with him in a long time, I guess.”

You know. That’s wild. Right out of the spoon.

Yeah, I watched him fill it up again. He filled it up again.

He’s looking right at me. (SLURPS)

And I said, “Is that good?” And he said, “I like it.”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

He did it three times… before my brain was like, “He has dementia. Take the spoon away from him, or he’ll drink all the soy sauce one spoonful at a time.”

So I put the spoon down.

“Dad, we’re gonna have food coming.”

And he’s like, “All right. Now, there he is.”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

Every time I do that to his head, he’s like… (CHUCKLES)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

And, look, I know. (SIGHS) I know it’s a terrible disease and… you know, and at some point, he’s– he’s not going to know who I am anymore. I know that. (CLICKS TONGUE) And I also know, on that day, I will be truly free.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

“Hey, Dad, how you feeling?”

“Who the fuck are you?”

“Yes! It’s over.”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

“The most toxic relationship of my life just ended, buddy, just ended.”

“Who the fuck are you?”

“Doesn’t matter. Doesn’t matter. I thought I knew you. My bad. My bad.”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(CHUCKLES)

So I have this other old man in my life.

My mother is still alive. But I can’t– I’m going to go easy on her because she’s still, you know, cognizant.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

It’s not great. But she’s got this boyfriend. Do you still call him a boyfriend when they’re 85?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

The guy who’s fucking my mother is 85 years old and… I should be nothing but grateful that he’s fucking my mother. I should thank God every day that John is fucking my mother. Right. It’s great. Takes a load off of me.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

In a metaphorical way.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

But John’s difficult. And it’s not ’cause he’s fucking my mother. I mean, like, I’m 59. He’s 85. Is there a point where you grow past that sort of like, “Why are you fucking this guy, Ma?”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

But they’ve been together a long time. He’s just annoying, you know? And I try to be tolerant. But he’s one of these old guys that, you know… (CHUCKLES) He just talks. He talks a lot. He thinks he’s telling stories, but he’s not really. They don’t go anywhere. They don’t land. You don’t even know they’re over, you know, until he wistfully says, “It was a different time.” You know?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

And it’s annoying, you know?

Like, I’ll go over there and he’ll be like, “Marc. Marc, come here. Let me tell you something.”

“What?” “Listen.” “Okay?” “When I was younger, we used to go to the delicatessen, maybe have a sandwich, some coffee, talk a little bit. It was a different time.”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

“Is that the whole thing? That’s the whole story?”

“Why you got to be a wiseass?” “It’s just not a story. I mean, there was probably a story in there. You know, what deli? Who were you talking to? What kind of sandwich? A lot of options. You chose none of them. Zero.”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

“I can’t talk to you.”

“Good. Don’t fucking talk to me or…”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

“…get some sort of narrative arc going. Flesh it out a little bit. Land it. Land it.”

(CLICKS TONGUE)

“Marc. Come here, let me tell you something.”

“What? What is it?”

“Listen.”

“Okay?”

“When I was younger.”

“Yeah?”

“We used to go out maybe on a Saturday night with the ladies, to a show. Always shined my shoes. Always. Different time.”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

“Not a story, again, not a story.”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

“Why you got to be a wiseass?”

“I’m just saying, there was a story in there? What show? What ladies? What year? The type of shoe would be a nice detail.”

“Maybe that’s just me.” “I can’t talk to you.”

“Good. Don’t fucking talk to me. Do me a favor.”

“Marc.”

“What?”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

“Listen.”

“What? What is it?”

“New York City.”

“Okay, yeah?”

“It’s raining outside.”

“Okay.”

“Different time.”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

“Wait, are these poems? These are poems. I thought you’re trying to tell stories, but these are actually poems and they’re kind of good. You’re kind of an amazing poet. Maybe we should self-publish an anthology of your poetry. And just call it, It Was a Different Time: The Poems. Like, I could blurb it for you. Quote, ‘These little bits and pieces of his life are just vague enough to make you wonder what it was like to be him during the times he doesn’t really tell you about…’ “

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

“…unquote. Marc Maron, stand up-comic, podcaster, his girlfriend’s son.”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

MARC: But the point I was trying to make is that the mortality thing, the idea of impending death, which is, you know, pretty much going to happen. To everyone.

It’s right there.

And I know a lot of you know me and you know my life ’cause you listen to me all the time. And you know that during COVID, my partner, my girlfriend, Lynn Shelton, the director, the genius passed away. She didn’t get COVID.

Thank you, I…

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

I’m assuming that’s applaud of recognition.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(CHUCKLES)

“Thank God, she’s gone. Jesus.”

So… (SHUSHES) Take it easy.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

It’ll be okay.

I can get right back into the sad tone. But she did. She passed away. And it was the most horrible thing that’s ever happened to me. And I’m sure to her. And…

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

It was right there.

But let me get serious. You know, she did die and it was a terrible tragedy. And the truth is, like, I’m a guy who talks about his life. So I wasn’t clear how that was gonna go. How am I going to talk about that? You know, “Is that ever going to happen? Is there a way to bring humor to that?” Because I’m not really the kind of guy that’s like, “She’s dead, what are the bits? Let’s get going.” You know?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

But there was also moments where I’m like, “Well, maybe I can’t do it. Maybe I have to do something more serious. Maybe I have to do maybe a Jewish themed one-man show, you know, maybe, like, Marc Maron’s Kaddish: A Prayer for the Dead,” you know, sort of a black box theater. You know, before the show, there’s like Israeli music playing, you know. (VOCALIZES) And then the lights come up and I just lean into it.

(IN HEBREW) ♪ Yis-gadal, v’yis-kadash! ♪

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

People would walk out of that show going,

“Definitely wasn’t funny, wasn’t funny at all.

And I like him. He’s funny. But this was very sad.

But I’m glad he did it.

He seemed to, like, really work through some stuff.

But not one laugh. Not one laugh.

And I’m not Jewish, so I missed half the references.”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

But then I thought, “Well, maybe how about a TED talk? People do TED talks. I could do a TED talk. How hard is a fucking TED talk? I just have to get one of those weird, you know, earphone, microphones. You know, change my posture a little bit.”

You know, like, “Everyone dies.”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

“I’m gonna die. You’re going to die. We all die. I’m Marc Maron. I’m a comedian.”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

But then, ultimately, what happens is I realize, well, you’re just going to talk about it.

You know, somehow or another, you figured out you’re gonna talk about it and if, you know, you need to talk about it in a funny way, it will happen at some point if it’s necessary, which it always is.

But, like, I realize, you know, and thinking about it that, you know, no one really talks about grief.

No one talks about PTSD.

No one knows how to process this stuff.

Everybody has it. It’s just, you know, locked into us.

And there’s not a conversation.

There’s not really a cultural conversation around it. And it’s difficult. You know, when she died, the only things that really kind of stuck in my head was that I’m not the victim, you know, she is.

And it’s horrible.

And, you know, this is not unusual.

People die in people’s lives. Tragedy happens.

You hope it doesn’t happen to you, but it happens to probably most people.

And then the Jewish thing, you know, “May her memory be a blessing.”

These sort of, you know, kept me going.

And it was a difficult time to grieve because it was COVID, so, you know, no one could really come by.

People reached out, but there was not a lot of, you know, human contact, and I guess–

I’d be honest with you, I got very tired of crying in front of strangers, my neighbors.

‘Cause I didn’t know them. And it was in the paper.

And this is how I met my neighbors.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

You know, and grief is a fucked up thing.

You know, I remember, like, a week after she died, I was just taking my garbage out and from across the street, I hear, “Hey, Marc, I’m Troy. I live across the street. How are you doing, man?”

I’m like, “Not good, dude! It’s not good.”

He’s like, “Yeah, I bet, buddy. I bet.”

“It’s fucking terrible.” “I bet, man. Well, I’m just across the street.”

“I know, man. I see you. You’re right there.”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

And he just stood there until I stopped crying. And I was like, “Thanks, man.”

That’s-I feel better, buddy. I feel better.”

“Nice meeting you, dude.”

It was that moment where I realized, like, it doesn’t take much to show up for somebody in grief.

And a lot of us, when it happens in our lives, you’re like, “What do I do? What do I say?”

You don’t have to say anything. You barely have to show up.

You don’t even have to invest emotionally.

You just have to be like, “How you doing?”

Wait till they stop crying and go like, “Okay.”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

And they’ll think you’re the greatest person in the world. Like, “You really showed up for me when I was grieving.”

I’m like, “Really? Oh, yeah. Okay.”

So…

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

But it was just weird because, you know, it was COVID.

And, you know, I just sit on my porch and people I knew would come over and they stand in the yard, you know, with their mask on.

I felt like a zoo exhibit.

There should’ve just been a sign that said, “Grieving Man.”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

And I would just sit there and people would show up, they’d be like, “How are you doing?”

I’m like, “Not great.”

“We brought food.”

“Slide it into the cage.”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

“Oh, bagels. I like bagels. Grieving Man feeding time.” (CHOMPS)

People wanna help you. You want to be helped.

You want to feel better. You want it to go away.

But it doesn’t, because it happened.

And you realize over time that it’ll never go away.

But people want to help and you want to feel better.

If you have smart friends, you’ll get, like, six copies of the Joan Didion book.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

It seems like there’s a group of people that as soon as someone dies, man, The Year of Magical Thinking goes out.

And you read it ’cause you want to feel better.

And you’re like, “All right. So her husband died, too. Didn’t really help me.”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

But if you’re a creative person, it adds another level of despair ’cause you’re like, “Fuck, do I need to start writing now?”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

People tell you things that they want, they think will make you feel better. like, I remember someone told me, I can’t remember who it was.

They said, “Hey, man, you know, when people die, they don’t really leave.

You know, their energy is still here.”

And I’m like, “How is that helpful?”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

“I got used to her in a human form.”

And this person was like, “Yeah, but just think about it, man, everyone who’s ever died, their energy is still here.”

And I’m like, “Okay.”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

But oddly, you know, when you’re fucking sad, you’ll go mystical.

You need it.

A couple of days after that guy told me that, I’m just sitting on my porch and a hummingbird came right up to my head, just like… (IMITATES BUZZING)

I’m like, “Oh, my God! Lynn! Lynn, you’re a hummingbird now. Of course, you are. That makes so much sense.”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

“I miss you, baby. I can’t believe you’re a hummingbird. What’s that like? That’s crazy.”

And then the next day there were, like, four hummingbirds and I’m like, “What the fuck is happening?”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

“Which one is Lynn? Who’s Lynn? Is this, like, Lynn and her new dead friends? This is what happens when people die. They just become birds of one kind or another. That’s going to disappoint some Christians.”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(MARC CLICKS TONGUE, CHUCKLES)

“Everything will be amazing when you’re a bird.”

(CHUCKLES)

“Put the money in the jar.”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

But the bird thing kind of stuck because, like, at some point, like, a bird, you know, built a nest right above where I walk into my house and they just shit so much.

It’s, like, astounding.

If you really just take a minute to think, like, “How much do birds shit?” It’s a lot.

And I have to be careful walking into my house because the bird was shitting, and at some point I said, “Hey, baby, I’m not going to forget you. Is there a different way…”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

“…that we can do this? You know, I still have the hat and stuff, and… the shit thing’s kind of tired, I think.”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

But, look, I miss her and it’s weird when you lose somebody because it really, you know, it wakes you up to some…

To who you are really, and also how fragile life is.

You know, maybe love will happen again.

I don’t know. I’m not that great at it.

I just… (CHUCKLES) I come from very selfish stock, and I don’t have the tools necessary to really be as open as I’d like.

But who knows? It might happen. I might find love again.

And maybe I’ll be sleeping with a person I love, having love sex as opposed to the other kind.

Equally as good.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

But maybe I’m having love sex and, you know, it’s beautiful and the woman I’m having sex with kind of looks over my shoulder and she says, “Why is that hummingbird just hovering out there?”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

I’m like, “Yeah, that’s my old girlfriend. She just-I don’t know. She just likes to be part of it sometimes.”

“You cool with that?” “Is she with her friends?”

“Usually there’s four of them and… it’s fucking out of control.”

I did wonder, like, would I ever be able to be funny about things?

But I find that, like, you know, humor that comes from real darkness is really the best because it disarms it.

It’s elevating to the spirit. It’s why I got into comedy, because I would watch comics and they would take things that were complicated or horrifying and simplify them and sort of make you see them in a different way and have a laugh.

And I think it’s a beautiful thing.

And necessary, like, I believe there was probably, some hilarious people in Auschwitz.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

I mean, come on. It was, like, all Jews. Are you going to tell me…

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

…are you going to tell me there wasn’t one guy where the other Jews are like, “Are you going to watch Murray tonight? It’s crazy. He’s hilarious. He does all the Nazis. It’s hilarious.”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Of course, there was.

I’m sure there’s, like, an Auschwitz joke book written by Jews that no one knows how to publish.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

“What are we going to call it? The Auschwitz Joke Book by Jews.”

“It’s not happening. We can’t.”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

“It’ll be misunderstood. We can’t.”

But I do remember the first, you know, joke that came to me about Lynn’s passing that made me feel better. And I’ll share it with you. The setup is heavy. And if you’re-if… The fact that you’re going to die is triggering to you, you might want to leave for a few minutes.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

All right. So… this is a day that a lot of people have had. It’s when you have a loved one in the hospital who’s fighting for their life. It’s a horrible day. Don’t wish it on anybody. It’s the worst day of your life. You’re on the phone with doctors, with friends, with family members, trying to hold on to hope, trying to get information, trying to figure out a way to stay positive.

You know, and at some point, you know, it turns and it’s not going to work out the way that you want it to work out.

And about 5:30, 6:30 in the afternoon, you know, the doctor says to me, he says, “Look, you can come down here and see her if you want.”

This is peak COVID, no one’s in hospitals.

“She’s probably going to be gone. We’re taking her off the machines, but you can come down here and see her.”

And I was like… (EXHALES) “What? Do-What do you mean? Do people even do that?”

And he’s like, “I don’t know what people do. I’m just telling you I can make that happen.”

I’m like, “I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know what to do. I gotta, you know, I gotta call, like, 12 people to figure out what to do.”

So I start calling people and I’m like, “Dude, the doctor just said that I can go see her and she’s going to be dead.”

And they’re like, “That’s fucked up.”

And I’m like, “That’s not helpful.”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

So I went through about nine of those. And finally, I called Michaela Watkins, who’s a friend of both of ours, great actress. And I go, “Michaela, the doctor says I can come see her, but she’s going to be dead.”

And Michaela just goes, “Oh, you have to do that.”

And I’m like, “I don’t. It sounds terrible.”

She goes, “You would regret not doing that.”

And I thought, like, “You don’t really know me, apparently, because it sounds like the worst thing I could ever do in my life.”

And she said, “Well, it’s never going to happen again, and it might be good to do it because there’s going to be closure there and you don’t really know how it will feel. And it’s an important thing to do. It’s an opportunity.”

And I’m like, “Oh, okay. Fuck.”

So I call the doctor back and I’m like, “All right, I’m in, I’m coming down.”

And he’s like, “All right, well, I gotta give you a heads up. We can’t really clean up because the coroner has to sign off on her.”

And I’m like, “You’re not really selling this. I gotta be honest with you.”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

“I don’t know if I can handle it, man.”

He’s like, “You can handle it. Just come down here and we’ll take care of you.”

And I’m like, “Oh, all right.” So, now, it’s 12:30 at night, I’m driving down to the hospital and I’m in shock. My girlfriend died. You know, out of body experience. I’m shattered and totally traumatized. And I’m driving alone to this hospital in the middle of the night.

And I get to the hospital and there’s no one in it, just a security guard. I’m like, “I’m here.”

He says, “Yeah, I know.”

And he takes me up to intensive care. Now, like, thank God for nurses. They’re real heroes and they’re at this shit. Yeah.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

Every day. Every day, nurses are dealing with this stuff. And I’m saying that to preface the fact that the nurses up in the ICU were a little chipper. I don’t know why. But…

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Maybe it was helpful. I don’t know. But I got up there and I’m like, “Hi.”

And they’re like, “Hi!” And I’m like, “Re-Okay.”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

And I’m like, “You know, I’m here to see Lynn Shelton.”

They’re like, “We know, she’s just in there.”

And there’s no rooms in an ICU. Not at this one. It was dark and there was just curtains. And they said, “She’s in there. You know, you go in there and, you know, take as much time as you want.”

And I’m like, “Okay.”

So I walk in there and Lynn’s there and she’s gone. And I was able to, you know, touch her forehead and, you know, tell her I loved her and cry, you know, for a few minutes. And I stayed with her for a good five minutes, and I was like, you know, I felt like, “Okay, I’m going to go,” you know, and I said goodbye and I’m walking out and I’m thinking, “Selfie? No. Right?”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

(MARC MUMBLES)

Now…

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

…when I wrote that joke or when I came up with it, it made me feel so happy.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

But I didn’t know what to do with it, you know, so I call the darkest comic I know, Dan Vitale, who’s since passed. And I said-I told the joke. And he’s like, “Oh, my God, that’s amazing. But you can never tell that.”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

And I’m like, “I don’t know, man. We’ll see.”

I think-And I think Lynn would like it, you know, and I held on to that, you know, until I got to Ireland recently. And now, it’s become unclear.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

I was doing that bit in Ireland, and her and I had a vacation there. It was the only vacation we had taken and we had an amazing time. We both had a deep sort of love for Ireland for whatever reason, because it’s amazing. But– So I’m in Dublin doing a show recently and I do that bit and the lights in the venue started going on and off. The lights on me started wavering. And everyone in the room was like, “Oh, my God.”

And I’m like, “Take it easy. Hi, Lynn. I’m glad you’re in Ireland and you love it here. You good?”

And then it was like, “Okay.” And I did– And I took it as a sign that, “Okay, she likes the jokes.”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

Wait. But wait. So then I get back to my hotel room and the venue manager said, “That’s never happened before.”

“No, it was Lynn, she’s hanging out.”

So-“Usually she’s a bird.”

So…

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

But I get back to my hotel room in Ireland and I go to turn the lamp on and the bulb goes… (IMITATES CRACKLING) It just doesn’t-It goes out. And I’m like, “Shit. What’s up, baby?”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

But I’m still holding on to the idea that, “No, she likes the jokes. Right?”

When you’re sad, you’ll go mystical.

So I do them in Texas a few months later and during that bit the mic starts going in and out and I’m like, “Oh, shit, she came to Texas.”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(CHUCKLES) “Maybe she doesn’t like the jokes.”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

But I thought if it happens at the HBO taping, I’m definitely never doing them again.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CHEERING)

But…

Look. I-She was, you know, a big supporter of mine, and I loved her and I miss her. So, rest in peace, Lynn Shelton.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

You know, I’m– You know, I do try to focus on gratitude to some degree when I can, and I have no kids. And it’s amazing.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

It really is. It’s-I can’t even begin to tell you, if you have them what– well, how amazing it would have been if you didn’t.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

(CLICKS TONGUE) And I think even ten years ago, a 59-year-old man on stage saying he didn’t have kids, a lot of people would be like, “Aw,” but I think that paradigm is shifting a little bit.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

I think there are people that are like, “Oh, God, good for you. Jesus, what a mistake.”

I don’t know why people have them. I have nothing against them. But it really seems that people don’t know that they don’t have to have them.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Like, something just clicks on and they’re like, “I guess it’s time.” It’s like, It doesn’t have to be. You’re human. You can decide. You’re not a dog. It’s not based on a smell. Think about it.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

But I just-I never thought about having them. I never really wanted to have them. And people, you know, say to me, you know, like, “Well, don’t you get lonely?” I’m like, “I do. I get very lonely. But I never think, like, a kid would make this better, you know?”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

I’ve had two wives and I got no kids. It takes a special kind of asshole…

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

…to have two wives and no kids.

I think my second wife put it like this, “You think I’m bringing children into this?”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

“It was a different time.”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

Look, if you have love in your heart and you want to bring a kid in the world ’cause you want to spread that love or whatever the way is. And that’s your impulse, that’s your reason. Good. Do it, you know. You know, I think it’s a beautiful thing.

But if you have nothing but like a weird void where your heart should be and you think like, “A kid will fill this.” Maybe don’t do it. Maybe don’t.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Because that void will be passed along for generations. You can’t stop the void from moving. You can now track your void on 23andMe.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

My void started in the chest of a tailor’s wife in Belarus… in the 1850s, in the Pale of Settlement, it was a-It’s a 99.9 percent Ashkenazi void. And you’ve all been sitting in it for an hour now.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

People had children during the pandemic. What kind of…

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

…cynical, selfish weirdos… saw that as an opportunity to start a family? Like, there’s no cure, there’s no vaccine. And people are like, “Let’s have a baby.”

“What if we all die?”

“Then we’ll die as a family.”

“I think we should do it.”

At some point, those plague babies are going to want answers. They’re gonna…

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

…they’re gonna want to know what it was like before they were born. And some dad is going to have to step up and be like, “All right, son, I think you’re ready to hear this, you’re five.”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

“Before you were born, there was a horrible disease that was spreading around the world that killed millions of people. And there was no cure and no medicine for it. And we couldn’t leave the house. Your mother and I were stuck in the house, for a long time!”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

“We had to have food delivered. It was dark and scary. You just couldn’t leave the house. And then eventually, you had to. You just had to get out. And you had to wear gloves and a mask and a visor. Yeah, kind of like a superhero. Like an angry superhero that just needed some space.”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

“And then your mom started making bread. I don’t know why. So a lot of bread being made. It was like a bakery at the house, sometimes two, three loaves a day. Sometimes she’d walk into the living room with a loaf and say, ‘I don’t think this one turned out, but we can still eat it.’ And I ate it because I didn’t want to hurt her feelings. It was a dark time!

Then puzzles started coming. There were puzzles coming. Yeah, I don’t like puzzles. You don’t like puzzles, do you? They’re terrible, right? I know, right? Hundreds of puzzles it seemed like. We’re doing puzzles all the time. We’re watching movies we’ve seen, like, five times. We’re eating bread. It’s the worst. It was terrible. And then, you know, she starts drinking wine and I’m like, ‘All right, if she’s going to do it, I’ll drink scotch.’ And at some point, I just think we stopped loving each other and…”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

“…I’ll be honest with you, I was Zooming with a woman from work and… But I couldn’t act on it. I don’t know what she was doing. It was just bad. And, you know, we were fighting and drinking and eating bread. And one time we were just yelling at each other, we’re crying, and it was very sad and we didn’t know what to do. And, you know, I kicked over a puzzle because I was mad and I don’t know, we just ended up having sex on the floor, right on the puzzle pieces. And puzzle pieces were sticking to us. I don’t know. Well, that’s when we made you.”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

“Oh, shit. I think she’s here. Do you have all your stuff?”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

“Where’s your iPad? Is it in your backpack? She’s coming. Just go. I don’t want to talk. Just go out there. Go. She’s getting out of the car. Go out there. You have everything? I love you. I’ll talk to you in a week. Don’t tell her what I told you. Go. Get out there. She’s coming.”

That’s a one-man show called Plague Baby.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CHEERING)

Thank you.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

That’ll be running in repertory with Voices From the Future and Marc Maron’s Kaddish: A Prayer for the Dead, in an evening of one-acts when they are all published in the same volume from the Samuel French Publishing Company.

The other reason I’m happy I don’t have kids is, I have friends my age who have grown kids. Grown-ups. And if I haven’t seen that friend in a while and ask him how his kids are, it’s never a great story. I mean, it’s like…

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

…70 percent of the time, it’s not a good story. So…

“Hey, man, long time. How you been?”

“I’m dealing, you know how it is.”

“Yeah, man. Me, too. How are the kids?”

“Well, you know… one of them is doing great. But the other one, I don’t know, kind of got away from us. I don’t know what the fuck happened. I don’t know if it’s anyone’s fault, but fuck ’em. I’ve had it. Got a guy out there looking for him again. It’s just bullshit. It’s killing his mother. I can’t fucking take it. Fuck that kid. But… his sister is doing great. Just got in to a good school. Thanks for asking.”

“That sounds terrible.”

“You know how it is.”

“I don’t.”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

And then they always ask me the same thing if they know me, and I can’t help but hear it as condescending, where they’re like, “Oh, that’s right, you still got cats. How those cats doing?”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

But in my head, I’m always like, “Go fuck yourself. You think you’re a better man than me because you have human kids.”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

“Like, that makes you more responsible? More evolved? A better human? Go fuck yourself.”

I have three cats that I love and in the best case scenario, I’m going to have to have them all killed.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

I’m going to have to kill my friends. And I knew it going in. That’s how big my heart is.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

You can’t have your drug-addled son put down, can you?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

No matter how much you want to, you can’t walk into a veterinarian’s office and just say, “I think it’s time. He’s not grooming himself. He’s barely eating. Can’t keep his head up. There we go. There we go.”

“This is a veterinarian’s office. We don’t do people.” I’m like, “Doc, I got cash. How much would it take? Just help me out. Do me a-His mother thinks he’s dead already. Can’t you just bring him in back? Knock him out, burn him up, put him in a box. And if you want, you give me the handprint on the paper.”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(CHUCKLES) You kind of got to go all the way with that one. I’m sorry, I…

(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

“Yeah, man, it’s ’cause I’m an anti-woke comedian.”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

So… (EXHALES DEEPLY) …I almost bought a gun recently. My friends are like, “What, just for home protection?”

I’m like, “I don’t know. It just feels like it’s time.”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(CHUCKLES)

“What do you mean?”

“When they come around looking for Jews who have had HBO specials…”

(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

“…I just want to go down shooting, that’s all. I don’t think I’ll win. I just want to go down shooting. That’s my right as an American. That’s what the Second Amendment is all about. It’s like-It’s not about gun ownership. It’s about going down shooting!”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

I currently have a bat. I’m a grown man with my own house on the second floor, in his own bedroom, with a bat next to his bed. That you can see. Like I live in a dorm room.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

And I’ll be honest with you, I don’t think I could hit a guy with a bat… let alone shoot a guy with a gun. I mean… if you’re going to hit a guy with a bat, you better have hit a guy with a bat before.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Or you’re just going to end up getting hit with your own bat. That’s how that’s going to go. And it’s…

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

…and it’s going to happen very quickly.

And you’re not even going to understand how.

You’ll just be like, “Get the fuck out of my head! What’s happening? Why am I running in my house? Ow!”

And I have an alarm system. I have a very expensive, multi-laser alarm system that protects the gemstone I have in my foyer. It’s a…

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Yeah, it’s a gift from George Soros. It’s the bonus level.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

You know, when you replace a certain number.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

But even with the alarm, if I hear something in my house, I’ll pick up that bat, upstairs, in my boxers. And I’ll pick it up and walk around. And a voice comes out of me that only comes out of me when I’m holding a bat.

And I’ll do it for you. But brace yourself.

It’s intense.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

“What’s going on down there?”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

“Who’s down there? What’s going on?”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

MARC: Yeah. Right.

If you’re breaking into my house, you take pause.

“Holy shit. You hear that, man? That guy means business. Sounds like he’s got a bat up there. I’ve been doing this a long time. That’s definitely bat voice.”

“I’m coming down there!”

“He won’t. Not that guy.”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(CHUCKLES) “Let’s just take the Jew stone and get out of here.”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

But I’ll be honest with you, I like having a bat because… it’s good. A bat is good.

Beca-Look, I’m a-You know, I’m a moody person.

I have good days, I have bad days, you know.

But in my heart, I know, that no matter how bad my day is, I’m never going to look at a bat and think, “I’m going to kill myself.”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CHEERING)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Because that would take some time…

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

…and a level of commitment I don’t think I have.

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

“Fuck it, man. Fuck this shit. Fucking done with it, man.”

(IMITATES CLACKING) “Ow, fuck! Wow. Fuck, man. Whoo!”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

“Oh.”

“Fuck this life, man. I don’t want to live anymore.” (IMITATES CLACKING)

“God damn it.” (IMITATES CLACKING) “Ow, fuck!”

(IMITATES CLACKING, GROANS)

“I feel better.”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

“Wow. That was great. I think that’s all I needed. I got to remember that. I got to remember that.” Thank you very much.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

Thank you. Thank you very much.

♪ (CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

(CAT MEOWING)

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Nikki Glaser: Someday You'll Die (2024)

Nikki Glaser: Someday You’ll Die (2024) | Transcript

Nikki Glaser explores a variety of personal topics, such as her choice not to have children, the stark realities of aging, her sexual fantasies, and her thoughts on mortality—all presented in her characteristically hilarious, unapologetic, and brutally honest style.

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