Thank you. Oh. Oh, my God, you guys. Oh, my God, thank you. This- You guys… You guys are great, thank you. This is what I talk like now, just so you know. I’m gonna do the whole show like this. A really-a very offensive stereotype… …of a Mexican. This is… This is a Mexican at the border. Just let me in! Jesus! He won’t let me- You guys are dicks in there, anyways! Fuck you, America! Was that too high up, do you think? That’s why I like- I always like to stand just a little bit wrong, you know? Just for my own entertainment, instead of standing like this, just put it a little bit up here, just so people are like- I don’t know why that bothers me. Especially if I’m somewhere I don’t like being, like CVS. You know, I hate CVS. But sometimes you gotta go in there. That should be their slogan, CVS. Sometimes you gotta come in here.” Where else you gonna get your wart Band-Aids and that stuff for your dry vaginer? Dry vaginer. I used to think it was called a “vaginer.” I did, because I grew up in Boston and the- I don’t know if you are familiar with- People call it the Boston accent. It’s not an accent. It’s a whole city of people saying most words wrong. It’s just a stupidity in a massive region. Because my teachers, they teach you to talk like that. My teacher-I had a teacher named Miss Daugherty, but she thought her name was Mrs. Darrity. She mispronounced her own name. Mrs. Darrity! And she’d give us sex-ed- This was fifth grade. We had sex ed with Mrs. Darrity, and she’s showing us the diagram, she’s like, “This is a penis. “And this is a vaginer. “Now, during intercourse, the man ejaculates sperm… “… up into the vaginer. “And then later, “a fucking baby… “… comes out of the vaginer. And sometimes it’s ‘retahded. ‘” This was the ’70s. A teacher said “retahded” in Boston in the ’70s. “My daughter’s retahded.” She used to tell us every day. “I have a daughter and she’s mentally retahded. “She’s 35 and she lives in my house. “She better be fucking retahded. I’m gonna stick her back up in my vaginer.” So I thought it was called a vaginer ’til I was, like, 25. And I remember thinking it was, like- It’s a vaginer, it’s a- Like, a thing that vagines, you know? Like, you use it to vagine- I gotta vagine my driveway. I don’t know. I just gotta vagine this new table I just made. That would make a nice table, like, you make a new table and then you take the- the 80-grit paper and you sand it, and then 120, and then you go, “All right, honey, get up there,” and she just… Like, an old- Like, one of those Danish tables, or like a… Ooh. Nice old Italian table. “This table is-a very smooth “because, eh, my wife have a very juicy pussy “and she vagine the table and my family, we do this for generations, we vagine.”
All right. So I’m 47 now, and, uh… Yeah, I know, that’s about what it’s worth. That’s what it- That’s what that deserves. “Woo.” “Woo.” “Woo!” Yeah, 47 doesn’t buy you anything. 18, you can vote, 21, you can drink, and 47, you can just- Just keep doing whatever. Just do… Just keep being out of breath. One good thing is that I’ve let go of any dream of getting in great shape, like, it’s like a relief. Just ’cause- My whole life I’ve been like, well, someday, I should really get in great shape. Now, I’m like, what? Why would I do that? That’s not gonna happen. Just- To me, the bar, the level I wanna reach as far as the shape I’m in, I just want it to be so that if you find out that I died, you ask “What happened?” That’s all. I want you to wonder what happened. I don’t want it to be like, “Oh, he died?” Oh, yeah, well, sure. Sure he did. Sure he did. This’d be bigger news to you- Did you hear Louie’s still alive? Shit. Oh, really? Oh, my God! Oh, my God, how? How?
Some things change when you get older. Like, I’ve reallocated some of the noises that I make. Like, the noise I used to make when I come is now the noise I make when I pee. Oh… oh… Oh… Ah… Ahhh… Take it all, bitch. Very disrespectful to my toilet, unfortunately. Yeah, you like that piss, don’t you? Bitch! I’m gonna shit in your mouth, too, ’cause you ain’t nothing but a shit-eatin’, piss-drinkin’ toilet! Dumb bitch, toilet! You ain’t intelligent. You ain’t even been outside. You sit there waiting for me to shit in your face. Got piss on your lips. You ain’t even special. I pissed in three toilets today. You ain’t shit. That’s terrible. That’s awful. But that’s how my dad treated his toilet, so that’s where I learned it. It’s a shame. So that’s the noise I make when I pee. And, uh, some of you might be wondering- None of you are wondering… …what noise do I make when I come. So this is the noise I make when I come. I just go… It is done! It’s a whole thing with clouds and lightning and crows. The circle is complete! It’s kind of intense. And there’s a little witch with white eyes going, “And a child will be born!” I don’t know.
One time I was having sex with a woman, it was our first time having sex. Also turned out to be our last time, but I wasn’t- Didn’t know that at the- Anyway, I was getting- I was gonna come soon, so I felt like talking about it, and… But I didn’t know her very well. So it came out weird, I said, “Oh, I’m cooming.” She’s like, “What did you say?” ‘Cause I was back there. That’s why. That’s why she had to go like this. “What’d you say? What was that back there, chief? What was that?” ‘Cause I’m always back there. That’s a-that’s a weird thing to brag about. I’m always behind her. Every time. So they don’t see me crying. It’s weird having sex with a woman from behind ’cause you don’t know what’s going on the whole time and you get kinda paranoid. The whole time, she might be like…
I was on the subway in New York. This isn’t another sex story. This is a traveling story. Are you ready? So I’m on the subway and I’m standing there- I wasn’t holding anything, I just like to stand like this. I’m standing there. I walk around the city like this. Hi. So I’m standing there and from behind me over here, I hear this. I hear… And I was like, whew, okay. It’s a crazy person. I mean, it’s not a big surprise in New York. Then I heard it again. I was like, all right, I wanna see, I wanna see the crazy person. I just wanna take a look. So I look over and it’s not what I expected. It wasn’t a big homeless guy with two sets of headphones that don’t work or anything like that. It was a… A young woman, she looked like she was about 21 and she’s standing there, she’s very, kinda nice- Properly dressed. She was very, like, Michigan-y or something. Very suburban-y, Michigan-y kinda thing. And she’s standing there with her ponytail, and then all of a sudden, she starts going like this, she goes… La-la la-la-la la-la!” And I realize, oh, she’s, like, a student, like, a singing music student, and she’s doing her vocal exercises on the subway. You know what? It wasn’t charming or nice. It was arrogant and rude, ’cause she just had this look like, it’s- I’m so cool, ’cause I’m studying music in New York City and I just do my thing right on the subway every day. La-la la-la-la la-la, everybody! La-la la-la-la la-la, tired nurse who just did a 14-hour shift!
We live in an interesting time, you know. ‘Cause you can be on an airplane, you’re like one of 200 passengers. You’re on a flight 30,000 feet in the air, and in the middle of the flight if you just decide to do this, you’re sitting in your seat and you just start going like this, you go… Maaah! Maaah! Mahh! If you do that and don’t stop doing it, they will land the plane. You can will a plane to the ground without a weapon or a threat. You don’t even have to do that much, you can just sit there and just start going, “Down! Down!” Seriously, if you were on a plane and you just didn’t stop saying “down.” “Down! Down!” “Sir, is there a problem?” “Down! Down!” Fighter jets will appear- I mean, you’re going to the nearest airport. And then I guess you’re in trouble, but… What? They can’t put you, like, in prison because you said “down” several times. They, like, bother you. “Why’d you do it? Are you a terrorist? Why’d you do it?” “I just-I just didn’t want to be up anymore. “I just didn’t like it. “I mean, I just said the word of the-where I wanted to be. “You didn’t have to do it. It was just a suggestion, Jesus Christ.”
I was on a plane once and there was two babies on the plane. And other people, it wasn’t just… It wasn’t just me and two babies. That would be weird. You get on a plane, there’s just two babies. Come on, we’re leaving soon. He’s the pilot baby. I’m the other baby. No, that’s all right, I’m not gonna… You babies have a good flight, but I’m gonna find another way to get there. Yeah, I don’t like the way this was starting.
Anyway, I was on a plane and there was these two babies and they were crying the whole time, crying the whole flight, and that happens a lot. I don’t think they knew each other, they were just crying. I’ve seen this on so many flights, I started to wonder, is there a reason for this? Is there, like, an actual reason why babies- So I looked it up. Turns out, there’s an actual reason why babies cry on airplanes, and it’s because they’re upset that gay people are getting married. Yeah. They’re, like, really upset. Like, inconsolably upset. Honey, it’s- The country’s changing. Waah! And I don’t agree with them. I think if people are in love, they should get married. But they can’t- They can’t accept that. ‘Cause they’re just-You know, they’re just being babies. Babies are selfish. They are, babies are selfish. They just, waah! No baby ever goes, “Waah, but how you doing, though?”
I have two daughters and both of them at one time were babies and I held them and they cried on planes. It’s happened to me, I’ve had a baby on a plane. If you’re ever- This is how selfish people are. When you’re on a plane and you hear a baby crying, you think that’s happening to you. You’re like, “Ugh, this is gonna ruin my flight! It’s gonna ruin it!” Well, look at the parent, ’cause that person is holding a crying baby on a plane, which means they’ve been traveling with a baby all day, which means they have a baby, okay? So their life isn’t even good. They don’t like anything. Their whole life is, ugh, Jesus! If there’s any joy for them, it’s that this is now bothering other people. “Yeah, you listen to this shit now!” Waah!
I remember one time, my baby was crying on the plane, she was really upset, and this guy, some businessman on the plane, ’cause businessmen always think that every flight is a private plane of theirs that we’re all, like, piggybacking on. And this guy has his fucking newspaper and he turns around to look at me and my baby and he looks right at me. He doesn’t kinda, like, go like this. He looks at me like, hmm? Like, could you? I’m like, “Oh, I’m sorry, is this bothering you? Let me just…” You all just clapped for a dead baby. You applauded a dead baby.
I have two children. Uh, nine and 12 years old. Both girls. Uh, they’re both gay. Um… I’m raising ’em gay. Most people raise their kids straight, I’m just gonna raise mine gay. Maybe they’ll do what they want later, but, uh, as long as they’re in my house, they’re gay. I tell ’em every day, you’re gay, honey, good night. Go to bed. Brush your gay teeth, gay honey. Don’t forget to be gay.
Having children is a big responsibility and I’ve never really done very well at it. I’ve made a lot of mistakes. Some of them big, some of them small, you know? Like, I’m still a person, I still am an idiot, you know, still, like, I- I got high one night, I got really high, because I don’t do drugs. I never do drugs, never. So that when I do… …they’re way more fun. To me, that’s my best advice about drugs. If you want to enjoy drugs, never do them, never. Because then when you do, they’re actually fun. ‘Cause when drugs are a part of your life, they’re just another pain in the ass in your life. It’s just a, ugh, my drugs suck. I don’t want to have that problem. I always want to be that person where it’s a new thing, somebody’s like, hey, you wanna try this? And I’m like, oh! I don’t know if I should. This is crazy. I don’t even know how I’m gonna do it. I mean, what is this? Anyway, I got- My friend had the little vape- I’m a little worried, honestly, by the young people with the vaping and they just do this and then they just vape. And they just stand on the corner and puff and look at the fucking thing and I miss-I miss you. That’s what it is, I miss you people, ’cause you used to stand around like this and I get to go, “I’d fuck that one, and that one’s okay,” but now I don’t even- I’m just looking at the top of people’s heads now. But I didn’t realize how, like, my friend- I have a younger friend who vapes and she told me it’s just to kinda, like, calm her. She’s like, I barely feel it, you know. Sometimes it helps me sleep. So one night, we’re hanging out and I’m like, I’m gonna go home and go to sleep, but I mean, I’ll just try it, so I took one little tiny hit. I was insane, I was completely insane. I was in my house, I couldn’t even walk past a window, I had to go under the windows, ’cause I was afraid of the inside of my own brain. So I started texting people, just being- Just texting, “I’m so high. I’m so fucking high. I’m so high,” and I texted, you know, another friend. “I’m so high I want to suck the pot jizz out of my own dick and get higher.” That’s what I wrote. I’m not bragging, I’m just telling you that’s what I wrote. And I sent it. And then later, I looked at my text and I was, like, I think I might have sent that to my 12-year-old daughter. I think it’s possible. And I didn’t, but I too easily could’ve. We need-Now my kids are in my phone. There needs to be some very reliable firewall that says, these numbers are much harder to text, that you can’t just, whoops! Traumatized her irreversibly! That you can go, like, to write to these numbers, I have to solve the Hellraiser puzzle and I have to… There’s two guys with the keys in the opposite room that turn them at the same moment and there’s a warning. “Are you sure you want to send this picture “of your pubic hair to your ex-wife’s mother?” That’s how you want to break the silence of six years since the divorce. “This is my pubic hair. “Look at all of my pubic hair. How have you been?”
I try to be a good dad, but, you know, like- life just kinda takes off and kids start, you know, they got their own ideas and they’re- My nine-year-old, she’s just figuring out about lying and that’s a tough thing. It’s hard to roll that one back, because lying is pretty amazingly useful in life. It’s like, how do you tell a kid not to use a thing that just solves every possible problem, like magic? How do you… ‘Cause that’s why-Kids lie ’cause they’re in trouble. They lie ’cause they’re in more trouble than they can take, you know? ‘Cause kids… Nine-year-old, when a nine-year-old lies, it’s not for some weird Machiavellian, you know… “Do you know what my teacher said about you? It was interesting.” They don’t just make shit up. They lie because they’re in trouble and it’s more than they can- ‘Cause trouble is too much for a kid. Trouble-For grown-ups, we can take trouble. We don’t care. We just go, oh, I’m sorry. Oh, am I in trouble? Oh, whoops! We don’t care. But to a little kid, trouble is like this horrible… Did you take the chocolate? And she did and she doesn’t know how to handle it. Did you- Did you take it? “No.” Well, all right, then, have a nice day. How do you then tell her, yeah, don’t ever apply that perfect solution again, to terrifying things.
Mark Twain once said, “A man who always tells the truth doesn’t have to remember what he said.” And that’s great. But Mark Twain also said, “There once was a big black guy named Nigger Jim.” So… I don’t know if… …a hundred percent of the things he said were perfectly awesome. Really, Mark? Nigger Jim, you’re gonna go with? That’s the best you can do, to name the- It’s got kind of a nice ring to it, Nigger Jim. Yeah, well, it’s a little on the nose, isn’t it? Could’ve called him Black Mike, I mean, just a little… Take it down one notch of the… Thanks for that, Mark.
Anyway. So, while we’re in this area… Now that I know you guys are cool. No, no. No. No. Um… No, no. But, uh-but, uh… but… but… This is a story that takes place- I’m gonna tell you this story, it’s kind of a messy story. It takes place over a lot of years, ’cause it start- It started with my friend Mike, who told me this story. This happened to him back in the ’90s. He was going home for Christmas and he lives in Connecticut- He grew up in Connecticut in some shitty shit town in shitty, shitty Connecticut, and he didn’t like going home. He’s one of those people. He came from a place- Doesn’t like it anymore. And he goes back- He doesn’t know how to handle his family, you know, and he came from a family of white racists and he doesn’t like going home, but it’s still home, so he went home for Christmas one year and everybody’s hanging out during the day, talking, having lunch, and his father and his brother both work at this factory and his brother’s grousing about his day at work and he goes, “Yeah, and then this fucking nigger fell asleep at the forklift.” And then my friend Mike heard that and he went, “Oh, God. Why am I part of these people? I hate this.” And he felt bad. And then that night, he’s in the kitchen and he’s having a warm milk or whatever and he… I don’t know why that’s- I don’t know why that’s funny, but… What that says about him. Yeah, ’cause he’s a pussy. No. He’s just sort of having some time to himself and his cousin comes downstairs, who’s staying- And his cousin, he likes his cousin. That’s the one person he always felt connected with, and his cousin’s like, “What’s wrong, man?” And he says, “Well, jeez, I come home and I hoped “that everything would be, you know, normal, “but then, my brother says, uhh, he’s at the factory and this nigger fell asleep at the forklift.” And his cousin goes, “Oh, my God, the nigger fell asleep at the forklift?” So this is the first part of the story, okay? So Mike tells me that story about how he’s just not listened to by anybody in his family, and then later on, I get a job writing on a TV show for Cedric the Entertainer. Great guy, and he had a show and he hired a writing staff, half white writers, half black writers. So at lunchtime, we talk about race, it was just a- We’d have these provocative, interesting conversations, trading notes about race, the white writers and the black writers, and I told that story. I told the whole thing about the guy, “Uhh, nigger and the forklift,” And then the cousin saying, “Uhh, the nigger at the forklift!” And then one of the writers, a black writer, he goes, “There’s nothing worse “than a nigger falling asleep at the forklift, making it harder for the rest of us.” Still, nobody is quite hearing what my friend was going through. And then, about a year later, I’m hanging out with my friend Dino. Dino is Greek. He has no dog in the race, he doesn’t care either way. He’s Greek. Greeks aren’t white or black, they’re just- He’s just got a big nose and he just stands there. And I told Dino the whole story, I told him about the guy, “Uhh, the forklift,” and the guy, “Uhh!” And then the black writer- And then Dino says, “How do you fall asleep at a forklift?”
My oldest daughter is gonna be 13 next year, that’s a big deal. That’s a big deal. That’s- All the parents ahead of you always go, like, yeah. Yeah, wait ’til she… That’s when you… I’m not afraid of her teenagehood. It’s gonna be challenging and difficult and she’ll meet the challenges, you know. I’m always proud of my kid. She’s a good kid. Now, some parents are really afraid of their daughters. A lot of dads get scared, like, I don’t know what to do. I have this friend, his daughter’s 15, he’s like, “She’s gonna start having sex! “I don’t know what to do! She’s gonna have sex, what do I do?” I’m like, well, you don’t do anything. You don’t have a role in that at all. You’re her father. No role. Not supportive or advisory, nothing. “But what if she has a bad sexual experience?” Oh, she’s gonna have a number of those. Oh, yes, she is. Her whole life is gonna be just walking through a blizzard of bad dicks, just… Ow! Dicks, just- Jesus. What the fuck? That was a big one. Holy fuck, I’m just trying to get to work.
The little one, the nine-year-old, life’s a little simpler. Tap dancing, she takes tap dancing lessons. We started her with tap dancing, because we figure by the time she grows up, it’ll be the 1930s again, and, uh, yeah. She’ll have this thing she can do that nobody enjoys watching. Do you know who the audience is for tap dancing? The parents of tap dancing students. That’s all of it. ‘Cause we all have to go to the show at the end of the tap dancing semester, and they have a big theater show and all the kids get up there, they all tap dance in groups of threes. There’s about 6,000 kids. They do about 20 minutes each. So the show’s about seven months long, and everybody dies at the end. But you go because you want to see your kid tap dance, ’cause that’s an amazing thing, ’cause this was a baby, she was just a baby. She was just like… That’s it. And now she’s going like this. It’s amazing. But you gotta watch all those other kids that you don’t love at all. And you gotta watch people, grown-ups do it. There’s grown-up- Adult students, and they get up there. Get off! Nobody’s here to see you! Nobody! Your parents are dead, you’re 52! Nobody came from work. Nobody came from work.
I take her every-every Thursday to tap dancing and we go up to the school and she puts on her tap shoes and she goes in the little room. I don’t go in there, and she tap dances and I wait outside, because it’s 40 minutes, it’s not enough time to go anywhere. So I just sit there and listen to… And then she comes out. “I don’t-I’m tired of this. I don’t want to go anymore.” Good, don’t. I don’t want to bring you. Quit. Quit. I don’t care. I don’t push my kids into this shit. ‘Cause you gotta do it, too. I don’t wanna do it. “Daddy, I’m tired of soccer.” Soccer is out of our lives forever, with those words from thine mouth. Soccer is gone. I don’t care- Don’t go to school, I don’t want to get up at 7:00. Don’t do any of this shit, honey. I don’t care. I have money, just eat the food in the house. Stay home and eat. You and your sister, don’t have kids, I can cover all of us and then we all die. That’s my goal. I want to make enough money that we can just lock the door and eat the food. That’s it. “Daddy, what are we doing today?” Go to the food room and pick something out and go to bed. That’s all that’s required of you. People-People overthink this life shit. People get all knotted up. “I don’t know what to do with my life. “Like, I don’t know, like, what I should be, or, like… “I don’t know, it’s like… What should I, like, do? With my- With, like, my life?” Just get food and put it in the- Put food in here. That’s it. Put food in here. Walk around and look for food. And anytime you see any food, put it in here. Just take it and put it in here. Later, when you feel pressure, shit out the shit in there. That’s it. If anybody tries to stop you from doing either of those, murder them. That’s it. Doesn’t have to be any more complicated. Do it ’til you’re died- ’til you’re dead. ‘Til you’re dead, died, dead. I don’t know how long I’m gonna live, I have no idea. You don’t really ever get to find out. You never get to go, okay, I’m dead, so, 80. You don’t ever get to have that thought. “This is it. ” You get to go, “This is probably it.” That’s your last thought. “This is probably it right here.”
Yeah, well, we’re all gonna die at some point. It’s true, man. And you find out at some point- It’s an interesting thing about human beings, that we live with the knowledge that we’re gonna die. I found out when I was seven that everybody dies. My grandfather told me. He said, “Everybody dies!” I wasn’t even talking to him. I was just trying to blow out the candles. And I was seven years old when I found out that everybody dies. And I was excited, not ’cause everybody dies, but ’cause I knew it. I was excited ’cause I knew I was young to know that everybody dies. I knew that most of my friends didn’t know and I thought, I’m gonna tell them. I want to be the one that tells everybody. I especially wanted to tell Benjy, this kid across the street from me. There was this kid Benjy, he lived-I didn’t- He wasn’t my friend. I was seven and he was six, but if I ever came out in my front yard, he would come out and I’d be like, ugh, here he comes. Just hated him. Hated him. First person I ever hated. Like, visceral hate. He was- To me, he was a piece of shit cocksucker asshole. That’s what he was to me, and I didn’t even know any of those words. I just had that, like, as a raw feeling with no way to say it. I was too young for the feeling that I had, and then somebody- I heard somebody say “piece of shit cocksucker asshole,” I was like, that, yes, thank you. That’s what that- Yes, that’s how-Yes. Anyway, one day I was in my front yard and piece of shit Benjy comes across. And he says, “I got a new bike,” or something like that. And I was like, uh, “You’re gonna die someday.” And he was like, “What? No, I’m not.” I said, “Yes, you are. “Everybody dies. “You’re gonna die and your mom’s gonna die “and your daddy’s gonna die. In that order.” He was really upset and he starts running. It’s still funny to me, it still makes me laugh, 40 years later. I can still see it so clearly and it still makes me laugh. Run, Benjy! You can’t run from this shit, bitch. It’s gonna get you. I wonder if he’s dead. Anyway. So he came back with his mom, his mom is so angry, and then I was scared. And his mom came over, “What did you say to him?” And I said, “I just told him that everybody dies.” And she goes, “Well, that’s not necessarily true.” I was like, “What?” She says, “Well, some people die, but not everybody does.” And I was so full of questions. I was like, what about- What about Abraham Lincoln and George Washington, they’re dead. But she said, “Yeah, “that’s ’cause something happened to them. “George Washington didn’t take care of himself “and Lincoln got shot, but there’s a lot of people alive from those days.” And I was like, really? What about, like, Bible people? And she’s like, “Yeah, I- We have to go.” And then she left, ’cause I think she realized, this is only gonna get worse. She’s not on a good side of this argument. And then I went to my mom and I told her the whole thing, she’s like, don’t worry, that lady’s a fucking idiot, don’t listen to her. My mom said, “Don’t worry, baby, you’re definitely going to die.” Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. People from the Bible. I wonder if people in the Bible knew they were gonna be in the Bible. Like, “You guys, this is totally gonna be in the Bible. “This is totally-You guys, “we’re gonna get in the Bible, everybody. I gotta get my roots done so I look good for the Bible.”
Yeah, my dog died recently. I had to tell the kids that the dog is dead. That’s a tough thing, telling your kids that the dog died. You gotta tell ’em at some point. You can’t just keep going, What? No, he’s-Where’d he go? Oh, look, there he goes. I don’t know, he’s- That little scamp. There he goes, go get ’em. Go get ’em! Told my kids the dog died and we dealt with it. And I was proud of them how they expressed their feelings about it. They cried. I was proud of them how they dealt with their feelings and what they said about it and how they processed it and I realized, this was a positive thing. That’s how you start thinking as a parent, a lot of things you don’t think would be positive really are, ’cause-’cause a dog dying is an opportunity to deal with death with your kids. It’s like a dry run for Grandma. It is, it is. Dog dies, you talk about it, you deal with it. Later on, you go, so, you know all that stuff we talked about? About the dog? Yeah, so, Grandma now. Mm-hmm. All the same stuff. That’s right. All right, go brush your teeth.
I had a dog when I was a kid and he hated me, and it really hurt. It’s a true story, my dog hated me and I- I wanted a dog so bad, I was, like, ten years old, I used to beg my mother for a dog and she just would say, like, you had one when you were a baby and it died, it’s fine. But finally, she said, you can have a dog if you keep your room clean for a month. And I was so excited, ’cause I was, like, I’m getting a dog. I told all my friends, I’m gonna get a dog. All I have to do is keep my room clean for a month. I lasted about a week and it just went to shit. I couldn’t do it and then I tried, like, three, four days, I couldn’t do it. And I got so depressed. I was like, I’m ten and I already know my life is gonna be shit ’cause I can’t do anything. And finally, my mom was like, just- We’ll get the dog, you’re bumming everybody out. So she got us a dog. And the dog looked at me and he hated me, on sight. And I worked hard to take care of this dog. I was kind to him and he still hated me, which hurt. That’s why it hurt. ‘Cause he must’ve just hated, like, who I am inside. He-You could tell how he felt, ’cause he was very expressive. He was a terrier, you know, so he had eyebrows. Like, I’d walk in the room and he’d go, like, oh, fuck, I can’t. And he would just leave! I would take him for a walk and I had to use a leash and I didn’t want to use a leash. I wanted to be one of those cool guys with a dog that just comes along, you know one of those guys. He’s always got, like, a suede jacket with patches in it. And, like, scratchy hair, he’s like, hey. And he gets in his old pickup and he’s like, come on, dog. He goes, like- You know those guys that can whistle that cool whistle? Whatever. Whew! And the dog jumps in the back and they both get laid somewhere because they’re both so cool. That’s what I wanted. But my dog, we’d go for a walk and the leash was, like, taut, like this, it wasn’t even like, yeah, we’re friends. It was like, how far from this kid can I get my face? He would be choking himself the whole- “I hate you! I hate you!” And if I ever, like, slipped and dropped the leash, he- He was like, I’m not your dog. He would just run. He would run like a slave, he would just take off. That’s how he ran. It’s an apt description. That’s how he ran. He didn’t run like a deer. This is how a deer… He ran like this. He ran away so many times and then we’d get a call from the pound. “Hi, we have your dog.” And you could hear my dog in the background, like, “Don’t- “Seriously? I told you I don’t wanna…”
I’ve never been a big animal person. Some animals I hate. Uh, bats, I think bats are just disgusting. I hate bats. I hate-It’s a rat with leather wings. You ever seen one and they, like, look around? It’s like, somebody, you know? They have a face. It’s disgusting. I hate bats. And I’m sure there’s a whole thing of- Oh, did you know that bats make all the French toast in the world, or whatever? I don’t care. I hate them. I had a bad bat experience. This summer, I was, uh- We rented a house this summer, I got a house for me and the kids. My ex wife and I- We share custody of the kids, and so this summer, I had half- One month they go with her, one month with me, so I got a nice house in the country and it was beautiful, the kids loved it, but the kids go to sleep at, you know, 8:00 at night. So I’m just laying awake, terrified. Terrified. I’m so scared in the country, ’cause it’s just quiet and it’s just mystery. And trees and darkness. I live in New York City, I feel perfectly safe there. I’m surrounded by murderers and child molesters and Jews. Sorry. I mean, there are, there are a lot. There’s a bunch of those, but… So… So one night, I’m in the country house and I’m just laying- just laying awake, just begging for the fucking sun to come up so I can sleep through my days with the kids. And I’m laying awake and I’m- My bedroom’s above the kitchen and I- Suddenly I hear this- I swear to God, I heard this sound, I heard… I heard that, like, clear as a bell. And immediately, my heart is pounding. I’m like, I’m going to have a heart attack right now, because there is a witch in the kitchen. First of all, there are witches. I have no doubt, in that moment, there’s witches. That’s how easy it was to flip me over. There are witches. And there’s one in the kitchen, and I gotta go down there. I gotta-I can’t just, eh, she’ll get- They like kids, she’ll get the kids. So I go downstairs, I’m terr-Terrified. And I’m standing outside the kitchen door like this, for like, an hour. Too scared to go in, until a little bit of logic seeped in and told me, even if there is a witch in there, she wouldn’t just make a noise and then just stand there for, like, an hour. So I go in, there’s nobody in the kitchen. And then I hear the noise again, and it was the dishwasher. The dishwasher has weird tubes and when the soap goes through ’em, it’s kind of vocal, I don’t know why, but it goes… It was the weirdest thing, to watch my dishwasher do it. I was like, all right, it’s cool. I’m fine, there’s no witches. I’m about to go upstairs, and a- And a bat, a fucking asshole bat picked that moment- He’s like, ha ha! And he just flew right- right by my head, like this, and I just-I went, “Aaah!” And I just fell on the floor. “Aaah!” And I immediately, I crawl into the closet, I closed the door and I called 911 right away. I don’t know if you’ve ever called 911 and you don’t realize until they answer how you shouldn’t be calling 911? “911, tell us your emergency.” “I-I’m sorry, I’m very sorry to be bothering you. This doesn’t qualify.” The lady’s like, “Sir, what’s the problem?” I said, “There’s a bat in my house. And I don’t like it.” But she was nice to me, ’cause it’s country 911. If you call 911 in New York City, “there’s a bat in my house!” They’ll be like, “Sir, we’ll send a car right over to shoot you in the face.” But she was nice, she’s like, “Sir, we understand, “you’re divorced, you’re overcompensating “with the country house. You’re in over your head.” She said, call this guy, she gave me a number, she said, call this guy, he’s a guy who takes care of bats. He’s a man who’s, uh- bats are his focus. I felt like she was doing a lot of work to not say “bat man.” Like she was kind of going around… “He’s a male human who bats are his… I’m not gonna say bat- I don’t wanna say it.” So I called the bat man… …and he comes over and I’m in the closet looking through the crack, at- The bat is on the ceiling, hanging upside down, he’s just looking around. The most disgusting thing. And so finally, there’s a knock at my door and I go, I crawl to the door and I open it and he’s like, hello. And he says, “Where’s the bat?” And I’m like, “Ehhh…” So the guy walks over and he just takes the bat. That’s it. He just took it. He’s like, all right? Yeah, you pretty much nailed it. That’s amazing. It’s like I called somebody and said, “Help, there’s a box of tissues on my table!” Oh, thank goodness. What a relief, to have a man in the house. Would you like some sweet tea? I wasn’t expecting company. Ooh, my robe fell open. He saw my breasts. Ooh. What do we do now? Mr. bat man? You know, I’m kind of grateful to that bat now, now that you’re going to fuck me. You’re not? Well, all right, you can go, then. I can’t- I can’t get out of it. I’m sorry. I just like to keep doing that ’til the laughter stops. Fuck, he’s really- This is getting upsetting. What if I just did that for, like, 40 minutes? Well, if you weren’t gonna help me, then why did you come over? I’m alone here all day and I hardly can handle it anymore. All right, all right. So… No, no. No, don’t do that. Don’t do that.
I was, um… I was in New York one time, I was on the subway platform and I saw two rats, uh, and they were fucking. And I never saw that before. I’m like, oh, shit. There’s two rats fucking right there. And so I watched ’em, um, ’cause you can watch rats fuck. It’s not a big deal. You don’t have to go, like… You can really just totally just watch ’em. Hmm, I see. Anyway, I’m watching ’em, I’m just curious. I mean, it wasn’t… surprising how they do it. It’s not like she’s on top going, mmm. Mmm. Mmm, mmm, mm. Thank you. I love it, I love it. Ooh! I think this is a Japanese rat I’m doing, I don’t know. “Ooh, it’s so good to fuck you! Ohh! Come on, Ricky, do me!” I don’t know, all right. Anyway, it wasn’t anything like that. It was a pretty standard rat fuck. Just, he’s on top, kinda smushing her into the pavement and she’s like… And I’m watching ’em, just- I mean, I didn’t, like, miss my train. Just, while I was there. ‘Cause I was- I was curious. It didn’t turn me on, I was just curious. ‘Cause I want to know, what is it gonna be like when he comes. That’s what I wanted to know. What is it like when a rat comes? Is it, like, uh- Is it just a biological thing, just a dispassionate, kinda just, meh! And then he just goes home? Or is it like, “Yeah, fucking yeah!” Is it like, “Aww…” Is it, you know? Is it ecstasy? Is it an orgasm? I told that story to a friend of mine. She was like, “Well, what about the girl rat? “What about her orgasm? Why didn’t you empower her and wonder how she comes?” What, are you crazy? Girl rats don’t come. There’s no way the girl gets to come when rats fuck. First of all, he’s not gonna hold out for her. He’s not that kinda dude, you can tell. He didn’t give a shit. He’s gonna fuck her and leave, he doesn’t even know her name. He’s not sitting there waiting for her and trying to think of things to not come, like giant garbage bags with no food in them or whatever. And even if he did, she’s on a subway platform in front of people. She’s not gonna be able to get to that place, that inside place, that girl rats need to find their orgasm. ‘Cause I know what girl rats need. I know how to make a girl rat come. I do, you just pick ’em up and hold ’em upside down and just… Just to be clear, what I was doing there… I just want to make sure you know. I spit in her mouth while I played with her little asshole. Don’t judge her, that’s what she likes. I did it for her.
I was watching The Wizard of Oz with my daughters and- I know that’s- I know that’s, uh- That’s a weird couple of stories to put together. Fingering a rat’s asshole to orgasm and watching The Wizard of Oz with my daughters, but they happened to have happened one right after the other. Most things that I do, I do right after I made a rat come. That’s what I do at night. It’s my- It’s the only way I try to help. All right. So I was… Let me just tell you this first. I was, uh, I was at a place to- eating dinner in New York and I heard these two women talking and one of ’em is talking about the guy she’s dating. They were about 21 years old, like, NYU students, and so she’s talking about it and, you know, a lot of times I’ll hear this, a woman talking about the guy she’s dating and she runs down the stuff that’s not satisfying, the things she doesn’t like. She’s like, “He’s just, you know, I text him “and he, like, he doesn’t, like, respond right away “and then, when he does, it’s like, whatever, so that’s weird. “And then, like, I saw him and he’s just being weird. “And so then he, like, calls me, he’s like, I’m sorry I’m weird. “It’s, like, weird, right now. And I was like, whatever. And then we had sex. And it’s just weird.” And then I’m listening ’cause I wanted to know, what is her friend gonna say? I want to know what kind of friend she has, you know. And her friend just says, “He’s a piece of shit. “He’s a piece of shit. “He’s not good enough for you, ’cause you’re amazing. “You’re amazing. So he just can’t handle how amazing you are.” And I remember thinking, that is a shitty friend. That’s not a good friend. That is not a good way to approach life. “I’m amazing! “And anybody who doesn’t text me back is just- can’t handle how amazing I am.” I mean, she’s a student. She can’t be- She’s not Nelson Mandela, she’s in college. She-I’m sure she’s fine, but you’re amazing, the way you… take classes. What is- What is so amazing? She’s kinda boring, he’s kind of a douche, so it’s fine. They’re fine. You need to know that you’re boring a little bit. It’s important. Self love is a good thing, but self awareness is more important. You need to, once in a while go, oh, I’m kind of an asshole. You have to have that thought once in a while, or you’re a psychopath. You know like when you say to a friend of yours, “You’re being an asshole” and they’re like, “No, I’m not.” Well, it’s not up to you if you’re an asshole or not. That’s up to everybody else. You don’t get to say no to that. “You’re an asshole.” “No, I’m not.” “Oh, sorry, I thought- Okay, I’m glad I checked. I guess you’re not.” If somebody tells you you’re an asshole, you should go, “Oh, shit.” All right, what happened, how did I get here? It’s like somebody saying, you know, “You got something on your face. ” “No, I don’t.”
It’s like America- I feel like America is, like, the world’s worst girlfriend. America is like a terrible girlfriend to the rest of the world, ’cause when somebody hurts America, she remembers it forever, but if she does anything bad, it’s like it- “What?” “It did- I didn’t do anything.” America, why do you keep bombing those people in Yemen and all these- “Well, it’s ’cause 9/11, okay? 9/11, so shut up, assholes.” Okay, but you killed hundreds of thousands of people, so I think you can- “Yeah, no, but 9/11. “Fuck you. You don’t even understand.” Yeah, but you’re torturing people. “I-It wasn’t even torture, oh, my God. “He’s such a baby. I didn’t even do anything to him.” And… And I’m saying this about women ’cause I’m a guy. Women might say this about- that this is what guys are like. That’s just what it’s like, you know, because I think racism and sexism are very different. To me, racism is just a mistake. It’s like, just an error. It doesn’t really make any sense, we can just do away with it, but sexism isn’t going anywhere, ’cause sexism is way deep the fuck down inside, so it’s just the way we feel about each other. It’s, “Ahh, women! “Women! Women! “Women! Women! Women!” And you’re like, “Men! “Men, men! Men! “Men! “Men! Men! Men!”
Anyway, so I’m watching The Wizard of Oz with my daughters. Is that enough of a palate cleanser? All right. I’m watching The Wizard of Oz, I don’t know if you’ve seen it, it’s about a little girl named Dorothy, a very sweet little girl played by an alcoholic older lady, who, uh… Lives in Kansas, she has a dog, she’s very upset. And she keeps telling- “My dog!” And everybody’s like, This is a farm. We’re working. Leave us alone. And then there’s a tornado and they all run inside and they barely look for her. It’s unbelievable. It was so upsetting to me when I was a kid to see this movie, ’cause Auntie Em is like, “Dorothy! Okay, fuck it.” And she just goes right inside. Bolts the door. Unbelievable. So Dorothy goes up to Oz. So here’s the thing, I was watching it the other night, and there’s this one moment that really stunned me. It’s when Ray Bolger, who played the Scarecrow, he just got ripped apart by flying monkeys and he’s very upset and he has this performance that’s way over the top, even for this movie. Do you remember that moment? The Tin Man comes over. “What happened?” And he’s like, “Well, first they tore my arms off “and they threw them over there! And then they tore my legs off and they threw them over there!” And I’ve seen this movie a thousand times, but for some reason this time, that moment made me go, “Oh, shit!” Ooh! That was a lot. And I started to wonder if Victor Fleming, the guy who directed The Wizard of Oz, if he had a moment during the filming of the movie where he was, like, I think I gotta have a word with Ray, ’cause that’s getting to be a lot. All right, let him- Just let him do another one. Okay, action! “What happened?” “Well, first they tore my arms off “and they threw them over there! “And then they tore my legs off. They threw them over there!” Okay, cut! Comes over. Uh… So listen. Ray… Yes? Eh, you’re fine. You guys have been great, thanks a lot for coming. I hope you enjoyed it. Thank you very much! Thank you!