Louis C.K.: Live at the Beacon Theatre (2011) – Transcript

Louis jokes about fatherhood, success, and flying first class at the Beacon Theatre in New York

[indistinct chatter] — Louis! — Louis!

[indistinct chatter] [cheering]

Alright, let’s get started. Go ahead, sit down. Okay, yes, sit down, we’re just starting. There’s no opening act. Fuck it. Just, let’s start. Let’s just start. Get your seats. Get your beers and everybody go ahead, sit down. Kill the house lights. Let’s just start. Let’s just start a show. There’s no point in screwing around.

I’ll do all the announcements that you would have heard. Please turn off your cell phones. You can take pictures but turn off the flash. That’s stupid, because it’s not– You know when you’re watching the World Series and there’s all that– Like your flash is lighting Yankee Stadium. Just leave your flash off.

Don’t yell out during the show. If you have something you want to say to me… This is what we do. We write it down and then you go outside in the lobby and then you go home and you kill yourself because, that’s selfish. This is a rhetorical performance. It’s got nothing to do with you.

Don’t text or twitter during the show. Just live your life. Don’t keep telling people what you’re doing. Just, because also– also– it lights up your big dumb face. It lights it up. I see this beautiful see of darkness and then just one guy. So, don’t do that.

What else? No Jews, I think they said that earlier. They told me I have to say it. Jews aren’t allowed. If you’re Jewish this is a good time to go. If you see somebody kind of Jewey looking then please tell an usher and they will– Sir, come on. Let’s go. Come on. Yes, let’s go.

But, I’m really glad you’re here. This is a sizeable crowd. This is a big place. There’s about 2500 people here, and that’s– That’s a lot of people. That’s enough people to be a sample of the population. 2500 people is enough people that you’re all going to experience– There’s enough people here to say that within two months at least one of you will die. I’m just saying. I think it’s probably accurate to say that out of any random group of 2500 people not all of you are gonna make it to Christmas, unfortunately. There’s gonna be– At least one of you here tonight is going to ruin your family’s Christmas by dying a shitty death. And I don’t know who it is, I’m sorry. I don’t know, your death is whatever–

Some people, they want you to do things when they die with their– “I want you to take my ashes and sprinkle–” Fuck you, I’m not doing none of that shit. You’re dead. I’m not going to run errands for you after you’re dead. You don’t matter anymore. Some people try to do something noble with their bodies. They try to have their bodies have some use after they’re dead, which I think is a good thought. You’re only borrowing your body. You’re only borrowing everything. If you’re body’s worth anything when you’re done with it you should pass it on. That’s something I really believe. I mean, I’m not going to do it, because I don’t want–eew–it’s mine. I don’t want– I have a lot of beliefs and I live by none of them. That’s just the way I am. They’re just my beliefs. I just like believing them. I like that part. They’re my little believes. They make me feel good about who I am. But if they get in the way of a thing I want or I want to jack off or something, I fucking do that. But– But some people take their– my grandma, uh, grandmother She–just, uh, for the layman– My grandmother, she gave her body to a medical school for it just to be examined and dissected, which is a good thought for that. But you know her survivors are–her family— That was a person. That was my grandmother. She used to wear glasses and say things. And now she’s just shaved head on a metal table with a hungover medical student trying to dig our her pancreas. And he gets an “F”. Imagine being the body where the kid got an “F” on you. The teacher’s like, “No, you idiot.” And he writes “F” on her tit with a Sharpie and just throws her down a shoot on a pile of “F” bodies. So, I don’t care about her.

[shout from audience]

Louis! Shut up, idiot. Just shut your fucking mouth. Didn’t you hear me before? Okay, so what am I going to do with my body. I’m going to die and I have to tell people what to do with my remains.

I have an idea for something to do with my body or for other people to do with it, that will do good in the world. It doesn’t exist yet as an institution but I’m gonna create it, starting with my body. What it is, it’s a place where you can go and be with a dead body and you just do whatever you want. And– the point of this is that there are people out there who have sexual compulsions and they can’t control them and so they go and they bother alive people. And with this you get it out of your system. This is the deal. You go in the room. There’s nobody else with you. You’ve got 90 minutes. You just do whatever you want, whatever it is. Shit in my mouth. You want to– Stick my toe in your pussy. Piss on my face. Whatever is the thing you gotta do. Jack off with the cartilage of my ear. Whatever is your heart’s desire. I want to be the Willy Wonka for perverts. [singing] You can come on my back and pretend that I’m your father. [singing] I am dead, I don’t mind.

Sexual perversion is a problem. You can’t stop it. People gotta do what they gotta do. This country is pretty perverted. We have to jack off to everything. There’s not sex and then everything. Sex is in everything. You watch the news and there’s a woman telling you, “And in Libya…” Yeah tell me about Libya. Fucking tell me about Libya. Say, “Libya” again. Come on, fucking right up to the screen, on my flatscreen. Come on, say, “Libya” again. [grunting] It should just be a person, “In Libya…” or whatever. Why does it all have to be so sexualized? And music, every musician is attractive. Isn’t that a weird coincidence that everyone who can play music also looks good? I would have thought there’d be one ugly guy with a guitar who would be amazing. But, fucking zero. And there’s teen pop idols who are children. And they’re on TV going– It’s a kid and folks are jacking off to them. “Folks.” Just “Folks” are jacking off. [singing] Well, folks are jacking off to the girls on TV. Some of them are really young. I don’t know their names. I don’t have that knowledge anymore. I’m too old. When I think of a teen idol, there’s Britney Spears. Because she’s my age now. That’s how long ago that was. She caught up to me. When I was 35, she was 18. And now we’re both 44 years old. So that’s how little I know about who these people are.

I was thinking the other day, what if there was a baby who was born and there’s been a lot of fucked up babies, all kinds of babies born. There’s been babies connected at the face, to a dog or whatever, babies with three legs, with hands on them. There’s been Chinese babies. That’s– Okay, that’s– That’s the worst thing I ever said. I think I just finally said the worst thing I have ever said. That was totally unredeeming and horrible. And it feels good. It feels good to have found bottom. There’s a comfort in knowing that I just said the worst thing I’ll ever say in the rest of my life. [exhaling] It’s good. All right. Yeah, I’m not a good guy. I am not. I wish I was a good guy. I like the idea of being a good guy. Sometimes I have the opportunity to be a good guy and then I don’t necessarily do it.

I was on a plane once and I was flying first class, because I had a thing. I first class. Who cares? Just– That’s the way it is. I don’t– I’m not like you. I’m not. I’m not. All the things you do, I do a better version of all those things. And– It’s only for another year at the most, believe me. It’s not gonna last. It’s been about eight months. I’ve got a year left and then I’m back to being just like you. But for now, it’s pretty good. I’m in a first class seat and first class is so crazily better. It’s so much better. You get a bigger seat. You get food. But also, you get to sit first. You get to sit before anybody else does. They sit you down and you get to just sit there with champagne and watch all the sweaty, miserable, all the single moms hefting their stroller and the kid. “That looks heavy and nobody’s helping you. That’s a drag.” And you get to just– Anyway, so I’m on the plane.

I’m in first class and this soldier gets on the plane. I see soldiers fly all the time because that’s how they get to the war. They fly on a shitty airline. You think they get to go on a cool green plane with a red light. “Go! Go! Go!” No, they just go to Delta. And they just wait in line to go to a war. And they always fly coach. I’ve never seen a soldier in first class in my life. It could be a full bird colonel, he’s between two fat guys in coach. And they’re always nice. I’ve never seen a soldier get on a plane– “Hey, I’m in the Army.” “Fuck you. I have a gun.” They’re always, “Oh, yes sir. Thank you very much ma’am.” It’s like having an extra flight attendant. They help everybody put their shit up. They’re awesome. And every time that I see a soldier on a plane, I always think, You know what, I should give him my seat. It would be the right thing to do. It would be easy to do and it would mean a lot to him. I could go up to him, “Hey, Son.” I get to call him, “Son.” “Hey, son, go ahead and take my seat.” Because I’m in first class, why, for being a professional asshole. I’m in first class because I talk about babies with big dicks. That’s what got me my seat. This guy is giving his life for the country, he thinks, and so he has to sit– But that’s good enough. That’s good enough, the fact that he thinks it. I’m serious. He’s fucking told by everybody in his life system that that’s a great thing to do and he’s doing it. And it’s scary but he’s doing it. And he’s sitting in this shitty seat and I should trade with him. I never have. Let me make that clear. I’ve never done it once. I’ve had so many opportunities. I never even really, seriously came close. And here’s the worst part. I still just enjoy the fantasy for myself to enjoy. I was actually proud of myself for having thought of it. I was proud. Ah, I am such a sweet man. That is so nice of me to think of that and then totally never do it.

At least you should be good just to the people– Just turn a good face to the people that you see in life. I don’t do that either because when I get in the elevator in my building– That’s my first contact with human beings after being home and just being disgusting for hours. Then I come out of the elevator and there’s always a guy on the elevator who’s nice. And I hate it. I get really upset when people say nice things to me. That’s not a good impulse. I get in the elevator and there’s always this one guy who just– He sticks his face right in the front of his fucking head. “Hi!” He just floats it out there like a big balloon. “Hey, how’s it going?” I get upset. I get cagey. I get this weird impulse that I want to come on his face. I don’t know why that’s the thing, but that’s what I think about. I wish I could just secrete come without the sexual workup, like as a defense, like a squid or a skunk. Not sexually. I mean aggressively. “Hi!” [spurt] “Jesus, man.” “You just came in my eye.” I just want to go downstairs. I don’t want to talk. Alright, this is going a little off the rails. I don’t remember what I was trying to say.

I’d like to be a better person. I would. I’d like to be a better person. And I think I’m getting worse as a person. Because as you get older you start finding out– Let me give you an example. I rented a car a couple weeks ago, in Los Angeles I had the car for a few days and then when I went home I had to drop the car at the rental place. You gotta go to the rental place that’s off the airport, give them the car, give them your thing with the mileage. You gotta get on a bus and then go to your terminal and check in. I was late and I was worried about missing my flight. So I knew I had no time to do any of that. So I just –I never did this before– I just drove my car right to the terminal and just left it there. Then I got on the plane. Once I got on the plane and had a moment I called Hertz and I said, Hey, listen, your car is sitting out in front of terminal four and the keys are in it. So, that’s where it is.” And the guy’s like, “You can’t do that.” “You have to return it to the location and then get–” Well, I didn’t do that already, and now I’m leaving California. So if you want your car you need to go to that place where it is. And he was like, “Awww, Jesus man.” “Well, alright. We’ll get it.” And he– That was the end of it. And I realized I could do this every time, every time I rented a car. Because of course they want you to do all that shit. But if you don’t they still want the car back. They’re going to send a dude. You could drive a car until you don’t want it. Just get out of it while it’s moving and just walk away. No, I don’t feel like being in that car any longer. Just call Hertz. Hi, your car is drifting into the intersection of 28th and Broadway, if you’re interested. It’s now your problem. But see, this is a terrible realization because you should act in a way that if everybody acted that way things would work out. You should, because it would be mayhem if everybody was like that. And most people kind of don’t care. Most people are very selfish. Most people don’t give a shit what happens as long as they get to do their favorite thing. People don’t even want to back off from their favorite thing. They won’t even do their second favorite thing. You ever seen somebody in trouble, like they’re at an intersection and they want to make a left, but they’re in the right– the all the way right lane because they messed up. So, here’s the guy. He’s in the right lane. And there’s a lot cars, like 6th avenue. A lot of cars. And he wants to make that left. So what does he do? He just does it anyway. He just goes at it. He just shoves his car through everybody’s life without any– And everybody’s honking and outraged and you always see they guy go, “I have to. I have to.” “There’s no other possible thing I could do.” “What else could I do, except go up one more block and then go left and take four seconds.” “That’s not my favorite way, though!” “That only meets 99% of my criteria.” But I’m selfish. I would like to be a better person, because I have kids. And I want to pass on a better–

Sometimes it’s not clear what the right thing is to do. One time I threw a candy wrapper on the street. I didn’t do it like, “Yeah!” I just– Yeah, take that shit, street. I did it because I was shaking. I wanted the candy. Anyway, I was with a friend who said to me, “You just littered on the street. Don’t you care about the environment?” And I thought about it and I said, You know what, this isn’t ‘The Environment’. This is New York City. This is not ‘The Environment’. This is where people live. New York City is not the environment. New York City is a giant piece of litter. It’s the giantest, next to Mexico City, the shittiest piece of litter in the world. Just a pussy, runny, smoking, stinking piece of litter. So if you have a piece of litter, what are you supposed to do with it? You should throw it on the pile of litter. Because if you don’t, if you put it in a receptacle then it gets collected and it gets taken to a dump and a landfill and then it goes on a boat. And it goes out and gets dumped in the ocean and some dolphin wears it as a hat on its face for ten years, this hat that never dissolves, on its face. Ugh. Jesus. [dolphin clicking]

Everything that we introduce to the world is shitty… …meaning white people. Because– I really think that white people are from another planet because when we came to America, it was so nice. It was just Indians. And they weren’t even Indians. We called them that by accident. And we still call them that. We knew in a month that it wasn’t Indians but we just don’t give a shit. We never correct it. We came here. They’re like, “Hi.” And we’re like, “Hey, you’re Indians, right?” And they’re like, “No.” “No, this is India, right?” “No, it’s not. It’s a totally other place.” “You’re not Indians?” “No.” “Ahh, you’re Indians.” “You’re Indians for hundreds of years after.” We ruined everything here. This was the great– It was just coast-to-coast green, brown and beautiful. And all the humans were just walking around with painted faces, just walking. And they’d be like, “Oh, that looks yummy.” And they’d just eat from the ground. And then they’d sleep on the grass. And they’d wake up and they’d fuck. And then they’d go for a swim and do a little dance. That was the whole continent, just folks doing that. I mean there was people in Mexico cutting off kids’ heads and rolling them down the pyramid stairs. But that’s– I mean… That’s always going on. You know– You can’t do a whole lot about that.

But I think we came from another planet and the reason is we don’t like it here. Why, if we’re from here, if we belong on Earth, why aren’t we comfortable on Earth, at all? We need nice smooth surfaces and right angles and we need it to be cool and not too hot, just a little dit-dit just perfect. Why wouldn’t, when it’s hot, why wouldn’t we just– “Yeah, fuck it.” Why wouldn’t we be like that if we belonged here? And it’s weird because people that are– You know, there’s environmentalists and there’s people who just hate environmentalists. People get angry at environmentalists because they think they’re slowing down the economy and creating restrictions and a lot of these people are Christian. A lot of these people are very devout Christians and that’s such a confusing thing to me, that if you believe that God gave you the Earth, that God created Earth for you, why would you not have to look after it? Why the fuck– Why would you not think that when he came back he wouldn’t go, “What the fuck did you do?” “I gave this to you, motherfucker. Are you crazy?” “The polar bears are brown.” “What did you do to the polar bears?” “Did you shit all over every polar bear?” “What did you–who did this? Who spilled this shit? Who spilled this?” “Come over here. Did you fucking spill this? What is that?” “It’s oil. It’s just some oil. I didn’t mean to spill–” “Well why did you take it out of the fucking ground?” “Because I wanted to go faster.” “I’m not fast enough.” “And I was cold.” “What the fuck do you mean, ‘cold’?” “I gave you everything you needed, you piece of shit.” “Well, because jobs, and I wanted–” “What is a job? Explain to me, what’s a fucking job?” “Well, like you work at a place and people call when their game doesn’t work and you help them figure it out.” “What do you do that for?” “For money.” “What do you need money for?” “Food.” “Just eat the shit on the floor.” “I left shit all over the floor.” “Fucking corn and wheat and shit. Grind it up, make some bread. What are you doing?” “Yeah, but it doesn’t have, like, bacon around it.” “And like– I like when it has bacon on it.” I watched somebody do that the other day after a meal they went, “Oh, it was just–” And I started wondering, what does that mean? What does that signify? I think what it means is that you ate something so delicious that you then kissed somebody on the asshole and their asshole exploded. That’s some good eating. That’s a nice sauce. “Is that good?” “Yeah, let me show you.” “Shit. Let me have some of that.” That just destroyed my anus.

Anyway, I got kids and that’s sort of what I’m trying to say. It’s hard having kids because it’s boring. That really is the hardest part of having kids. Ask any parent, What’s the hard part? Is it looking after their health care? Is it making sure that their education– No, it’s being with them on the floor while they be children. It’s just– They read Clifford the Big Red Dog to you at a rate of 50 minutes a page. And you have to sit there and be horribly proud and bored at the same time. I hate Clifford the Big Red Dog. I hate him. There’s 50 books about Clifford the Big Red Dog. Fifty books. There’s seven books about Narnia that cover the birth and death of a nation and mice with swords and a lion who’s a god. They did it in seven books. Fifty books about Clifford the Big Red Dog, and they all tell the exact same story. Look how big this dog is. That’s it. Look how big this dog is. That’s the whole book. Here’s how big he was at the firehouse. Here’s how big he was at Thanksgiving. Who gives a shit? You just drew him big. You just, on purpose, made him bigger than people. It should be, “Look how big I drew the dog in this book.” “Isn’t that a mistake?” There’s no story. You maybe even just drew him closer to the page. I don’t even know if you did it honestly. Tell a story about Clifford. Make something happen, where maybe he steps on a policeman and shatters his spine and it’s devastating to the community. He hangs on for two months and then dies. And there’s a whole, you know, funeral with bagpipes and everybody’s crying. And Clifford gets the death penalty. There’s a whole book about his appeal process and how he found Jesus but everybody said it was bullshit. The cop’s wife was like, “I want that dog dead!” And then he goes to the chair and they shave all his red fur off and now he’s Clifford the Big Pink Dog. Put him on a big funny electric chair that the town got together and built. It’s boring having kids. You gotta play kid games. You gotta play board games, little kid board games where you– And then you go dit-dit-dit You got a six, honey. One. Two. Three. It’s just here. Just go here. It’s just– Daddy, I’m learning. I know. You’re going to grow up stupid because I’m bored. I can’t take it, baby. I can’t. I can’t watch it. I’m bored more than I love you. I can’t. I just–

Come on. My girls are six and nine now. They’re actually a really exciting age because they’re learning to do some cool stuff. I played Monopoly with my kids. That’s really fun. My nine year old, she can totally do Monopoly. The six year old actually totally gets how the game works but she’s not emotionally developed enough to handle her inevitable loss in every game of Monopoly. Because, a Monopoly loss is dark. It’s heavy. It’s not like when you lose at Candyland. Oh, you got stuck in the fudgey thing, baby. Oh, well. You’re in the gummy twirly-ohs and you didn’t get to win. But when she loses at Monopoly I gotta look at her little face and go, Okay, sweetie, here’s what’s gonna happen now, okay? All your property, everything you have, all your railroads, your houses, all your money, that’s mine now. Gotta give it all to me. No, give it to me. That’s right. No, no you can’t play anymore, see, because even though you’re giving me all of that it doesn’t even touch how much you owe me. It doesn’t even touch it, baby. You’re going down hard. It’s really bad. All you’ve been working for all day, I’m going to take it now and I’m going to use it to destroy your sister. I mean, I’m going to ruin her. It’s just mayhem on this board for her now. When you have kids you also have to belong to kid and parent culture. You have to know a lot of parents and a lot of other kids. You have to hang out with other kids. Sometimes they’re not even kids you know. When I go to parks with my kids, I play with them. I play with my kids. Some people don’t do that. They just take their kids to the park so they don’t have to talk to them, and those kids kind of glom on to our shit. I’ll be sitting at the park playing a fun game with my kids and there’s this woman on a bench. She’s got her phone and she’s just staring at her phone. And her kid’s like, “Mommy, talk to me.” “Leave me alone. I’m trying to cheat on your father! Stop it!” And then the kid comes up to us, “Can I be in your family?” It’s creepy. One time I was at a swimming pool with my kids, a public pool. I had my daughter, my six year old, on my arm like this. She was like clamped on, and she’s kicking. It was so much fun. And then she got off and another random child just clamped on. It’s like a rat. Get off of me. “But I love you.” I don’t know you, kid. Stop. I think that kid’s dead. I don’t know what happened. Some kids in my kid’s class, I like some of those kids. Some of those kids are cool. They come over to my house and they play with my–I like them. Other kids I don’t like, especially the little boys. Little boys in my kid’s class, I hate them. I hate little boys. I’m like the opposite of a pedophile. I just hate–

There’s one kid in my daughter’s class who I hate so much, and it’s really fucked up because I’m 44 and I hate a six year old. I mean, I hate him with a grown-up, pre-occupying hate. I’ve thought about him three times since I came out here. That’s how much I really hate this kid. I’m going to tell you about him and I have to make up a name because he’s a real child who lives in this city, so I have to make up a name in order to tell this story about him. His name is just, Jezanthepuss. Let’s just call him Jezanthepuss. Jezanthepuss. Fine. Okay. He’s in my daughter’s class. They’re in first grade. When we take our kids to class, there’s a little procedure. You bring your kid to school and they have their backpack and their jacket and they go to their cubby and take it all off and they put it in the cubby. Then they take their homework folder and their lunchbox and put them in the bins. Those are their little responsibilities. You help them do it so they’ll, blah blah blah. But, Jezanthepuss– When he comes in he doesn’t do none of that shit. He just walks in and just sheds it all. And his mom, his weak, piece of shit mom picks it all up. I hate his mother because you hate a weak parent, when you’re a parent. Because it’s like you’re raising Hitler, motherfucker. Do your job! Get in there. If our parent group and our class were a platoon of soldiers, she’d be the one that we’d put soap bars in socks and– We’d frag that bitch in her sleep. She would wash right the fuck out. She wouldn’t make it.

When Jezanthepuss drops his shit, this bitch picks it up. She just goes, “He just… I’ll get…” “I’ll get it…” “And then I’ll put it in the bins for him.” And she puts it all away for him, which frees him up to punch other kids in the face because he’s a shitty, horrible, violent child. One time I was at school, and I was volunteering at recess. It’s something you do, you know, if you’re a good parent, about once a month or whatever it is. You go to school and you just stand there and you watch recess. You masturbate, whatever you want to do. That is now the worst thing. That’s the worst thing. Now that’s the worst thing I ever said. Okay. Alright. We’ll find it. I mean you could. It’s a public school nobody would even give a shit. But, I haven’t thus far. It hasn’t gotten that bad. Anyway, I’m watching recess and recess is a trip. If you’ve never been to recess, it’s intense because it’s like the universe. You know if you watch the ocean crash, waves on the beach for a long time, you start feeling like you’re understanding how everything works. That’s what recess is like, because every natural, chaotic energy is represented at recess. There’s kids swirling around in these big roiling crazy things. There’s one kid just spazzing out just to some singularity kid. It’s a binary system of two kids holding hands and they’re running and just clotheslining every child of a certain height. They’re keeping a uniform height to the playground. So I’m watching recess and I see Jezanthepuss. And he’s walking with this evil– This kid is like evil stuck out of time. He’s like– I always picture him in a gray fur coat with bones in it, and lots of rings from people that he killed, and just walking. And then I see my daughter and she’s standing there, just by herself. And there’s Jezanthepuss and I know he’s going for her. It was like an action movie thriller thing. And I think to myself, I gotta go there and I gotta protect her. But then I thought, let him do a little something first. Let him do just a little something, because I want this kid in my life. I want a reason. I want aerial photos of him doing some shit to my family that I can bring to the U.N. and get authority to waterboard this little motherfucker. I want to– I want to get him on a flight to Venezuela with an envelope on his head and duct tape and all that shit. So, anyway, he goes for her, grabs her arm, starts twisting it. She goes, “Ahhh!” I run over. I’m just knocking kids over. I run, grab him. I look in his little face and I go, Listen to me, Jezanthepuss. If you ever, ever, in your life, touch her again– And as I’m doing this I realize this is not cool that doing this. This is totally inappropriate. It’s really wrong. It’s way over the top. It’s too grown up. It’s like he’s a drug dealer in my building that I finally fucking– “This ends now, motherfucker or I will cut you. I don’t care.” And he’s– He starts crying pitifully. And I just, I really did this, I just walked away from him. I just got away. And then all the teachers– everybody gathers around. Jezanthepuss, what’s wrong with you? And he’s like– And he couldn’t articulate it because he’s not getting educated. Fuck him. I was there going, Yeah, you could have told on me bitch, but you’re too stupid now, which is your own fault, you future ditchdigging piece of shit. Oh, I’m going to love watching you grow up into nothing, motherfucker. I’m gonna watch it. I’m gonna fuck your mom and not call her too. I’m gonna ruin her summer. I’m gonna fuck your mom twice and then never call her. I don’t know your dad because he ran out on you, but I’m gonna find him. I’m gonna turn myself gay and then I’m going to fuck him too. I’m gonna fuck– I’m gonna suck his dick so good that he just has to change his whole life. And I’m gonna move into a place with him in the village for a couple of months and totally– He’ll cut off ties to all his life and start wearing cut-offs that are really tight. And he’ll just– And then I’ll go to some Christian turn-you-not-gay place. And then I’ll come back and go, “What’s wrong with you fag*ot?” Make him feel bad inside, like what has he done. But you gotta protect your kids, you know. You gotta. You gotta protect your kids. You gotta do it, man. A lot of people will talk the talk. A lot of people say that shit. “I would throw myself under a bus for my–” Oh, yeah, would you fuck another kid’s dad, and confuse him sexually, and yourself sexually in the process, and use homophobia that you hate, against another person, just because some kid shoved your kid for a second? That’s my baby girl. I gotta do it, son. I gotta suck that dick. That’s my baby girl. I gotta do it for her. Alright. Alright. Alright, I hate that child. That’s what I’m trying to say.

I’ve been thinking about my memories because I have kids now. And my kids are at an age where I remember being their age. I remember being a six year old. I remember being a nine year old. And that’s a big threshold that my kids have crossed, that I remember being their age. Because when you’re raising kids, you’re not raising the kid in front of you. You’re raising the grown up that they’re going to be later. And I was a kid once. When they were babies, I didn’t really relate to them because they’re babies. A baby is not going to remember shit that is happening to it. If you have a baby, keep it alive and enjoy yourself. But really, the baby doesn’t– It’s not going to matter. A baby is not accumulating anything. It’s like an Etch A Sketch that you shake every day. It doesn’t really– It doesn’t matter. You could go up to your baby’s face every day and say, “Fuck you, baby.” every day and it wouldn’t matter. Hey, baby! You could do that every day and it wouldn’t matter. I mean, they’ll grow up with a general sadness inside. But they won’t– They won’t actually remember why. And memories are weird because memories get distorted by who you are now and who you were when you experienced them. I remember when I first started doing stand-up. I was living in Boston and there was one club that was owned by a gay guy. And my memory is that that guy was always trying to fuck me. That’s my memory. I’ve carried it for 20 years. There was a gay guy who tried to fuck me all the time. And recently I caught up with an old friend of mine from those days, who I hadn’t seen in years. And we started talking about different people and he brought him up. And I said, “That guy always used to try to fuck me.” And he goes, “He did?” And I was like, “Yeah.” And he goes, “Really? Did he–” “I mean, did he like take you to his house or something and really try to physically…” No, it’s just that, you know what I mean. He was trying to fuck me all the time.” And he was like, “Well did he say– Did he push you– and say stuff all the time and make you uncomfortable?” No, it just was– And as we went through it, the truth came out. The whole story really was, there once was a gay man. That’s it. That’s really what happened. He was gay. I was 19. And now, “He tried to fuck me all the time.” I went through life with that. But I’ve been trying to remember my first memory. How far do my memories go? And I remembered my first memory. I was four years old. I was standing in front of my parents’ house and I was shitting in my pants. I was just shitting a massive, terribly painful shit. And I was half way through the shit. That’s my first memory, being half way– The first half of the shit, I don’t remember it. That’s still in the ether of infancy. The center of this shit was so wide that I actually came online as a result of the anal pain that I was experiencing. It actually awakened me –Yee-aahhh– into the stream of consciousness that I’m now living. That’s how my life started. That’s who I am. A lot of my memories I don’t like. I don’t like–

When I was a teen-ager I hated all that time. I hated being a teen-ager, and then I discovered drugs. And then that’s all I gave a shit about. I don’t know how I’m gonna tell my kids. How the fuck do you compete with that. How do you take a miserable person with no control over their lives and tell them with a straight face, Uh, You can’t do drugs. You can’t do that, baby. All drugs are, are a perfect solution to every problem you have right now. How do you beat that? Drugs are so fucking good that they’ll ruin your life. That’s how good they are. I can’t do drugs now because I’m 44 and I can’t hook it up. I can’t make that happen. If you’re 44 and you want to get high, you gotta hurt your back. That’s pretty much the only option you have. Hurt your back, get some Percoset. And then get a babysitter and take three at a diner. Just, sad. I’m a little drowsy, woooo! I never really could have– I wish I was a drunk. I love romantically the idea of being a real drunk, in my bathrobe all day. Everybody who love’s me is always crying. “He’s destroying himself. I can’t watch anymore.” Shut up then. Showing up at my kids school play half way through. “You show ’em who you are, baby.” I wish I could be that guy. But I can’t drink because I just get tired. I go to sleep. I don’t know how people drink and then do shit. When I see movies or TV shows where there’s people in an office having a power meeting and they’re –clink clink– They’re making a drink in the daylight with a tie on. “Well, Senator, I hope you play ball with us on this construction deal, if you know what I’m saying.” “Yeah, we’ll see what’s in it for me.” How is the next scene not all those people just lying on the floor going, “Oh, fuck” “I can’t believe I drank whiskey at noon.” I can’t smoke pot because– It’s the same thing. I’m too old for it. Sometimes young people come up to me after shows. “Hey, do you want to smoke some pot.” I’m like, Can I get my portion to smoke without you, alone, later, because I don’t want to stand in a parking lot with some twenty year-olds. Last time I got high I was in Kansas City. And I got high because I was in Kansas City. It was shitty. So after the show, these kids that worked at the club were like, “You want to smoke some pot?” I’m like, “Yes.” So, I’m standing in a parking lot with these kids, like 20 years old, and we’re smoking a joint. And I’m taking huge hits because I had no idea. I didn’t know they had been working on this shit like it’s the cure for cancer. I didn’t understand the fucking technology that’s gone into making pot so powerful. Because when I was a kid you could just smoke a joint for a while. Now you take two hits and you go insane. It’s not doable anymore. And I was taking big hits, like big 1970’s, jean jacket, Bad Company hits. [singing] Here come the Jesters, one, two, three. [singing] It’s all part of my fantasy. And I’m like, “Yeah” And even the kid with the wooden hole of no ear the absense of flesh in his ear, with wood. I don’t know what that is. Even he was like, “You should be careful. That’s a lot of pot. That’s very strong marijuana.” Yeah, I’m fine. [singing] “Running with the devil.” And in about ten seconds, everything just– And I’m like, “Oh, shit.” This is an ordeal now. I’m not going to feel okay for a very long time. [sigh] And everybody’s just standing around and talking. And I’m hoping, I’m really hoping, that I look like this. But I’m pretty sure that I was just scanning insanely. I was actually counting. Look at her for five… four… three… two… …one. Switch to him. Five… four… three… …two. Randomize. Don’t go in the same direction. Five… four… …three. Nod your head. That looks like you’re listening if you nod your head. And at one point I realized, I need to get out of here, because the air is hitting my arm weirdly and they can tell. They totally know that I am not handling the way air is touching my arm right now. Why am I doing that with my hand. That’s weird to do with your hand. Nobody stands like this. Nobody stands like this. Just fucking– No, that’s also– That’s weird too. That’s crazy. Just– Shit. I gotta go. But I didn’t know how to leave, because I had this dilemma. We’re all standing in a perfect circle, facing each other. And I thought it’s going to be insane if I just turn my– I’m one person with my back now. Do I just back away like this and hope that they fill in? And then I thought, no, say something. Say something out loud to them that smooths the transition of you leaving. Okay, what do I say? Pick a thing to say. Goodbye. That’s a nightmare. That’s just… Goodbye? That’s not even– that’s just noises. Finally I walked away and I said, “I’m leaving!” I know it was that bad because they all went, “Whoa. Shit. Okay. Alright. Whoa.” I’ll never see those people again as long I live. And then I had to get in the car. I forgot that I had rented a car and I have to drive back to the hotel. And I’m driving on this highway in Missouri. And at one point I realized, I think it’s been about 25 minutes since I had looked out the front window of this car. I’ve just been dealing with shit directly in– Oh, shit. There’s a whole spectrum of responsibility out here. I’m supposed to take part in this. And then at one point I remember I was at a drive through, and I was terrified. Because there’s a lady sticking her head out a window. And she’s mad. She’s going, “Sir!” “Sirrr!” I just kept saying, I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know! I had the window closed. I had no fucking idea. What part of the transaction am I–? Did I pay yet? Have I ordered? Have I been sitting here for 40 minutes just eating at the window, and I ate the paper and everything? “Sirrr!” And I just went, I don’t know! I don’t want it! And I just fucking bolted. So I can’t do that anymore.

But you get older and some things you can’t do anymore. Some things you don’t want to do anymore. It’s a nice change. You feel some desires fall away. New things make you happy. But some things don’t change and some things I’m sick of. Like the constant just the constant perverted, sexual thoughts. I’m so tired of those. Just the constant– Suck it. It just makes me into an idiot. I’m jacking off to morons. “Look at my tits.” Yeah, your tits are awesome. It’s just a dumb part of life that I’m sick of. It’s all day too. It’s just– You can’t have a day. I just want to be a person in clothes walking in a store and just– I just want to go to the library and ask for– Hi, ma’am, is there– I’m looking for a book about early Abraham Lincoln, like when he was– I wish I could wrap your hair around my dick and– Oh, shit. I’m trying to talk to her! [sigh] That’s really a male problem. It’s really a male problem, not being able to control your constant sexual impulse. Women try to compete. “Well, I’m a pervert. You don’t know.” “I have really sick sexual thoughts.” No, you have no idea. You have no idea. See, you get to have those thoughts. I have to have them. You’re a tourist in sexual perversion. I’m a prisoner there. You’re Jane Fonda on a tank. I’m John McCain in the hut. It’s a nightmare. I can’t lift my arms. And for men, sex just is such a constant thing.

It’s not even sex to us. It’s just pussy. That’s what we call it. Pussy… it has nothing to do with women. It’s not about girls or chicks like it was in the 50’s. There’s no guys anywhere in the world saying, “Let’s go meet some chicks and kiss them on the mouth and see what happens.” There’s none of that. “Mmmm, I sure would like to have my arm around a girl.” “Mmmm, Vanessa, I love–” No, it’s not. It’s just pussy. Pussy. It’s not even a pussy. It’s not some peoples’ pussies. It’s just pussy. Like big pink balloon letters in front of our faces all the time. To men it’s just an element of the universe, like it should be on the chart of the elements next to tin and ammonia. P-y with an atomic weight of 12 or whatever pussy atoms weigh.

The sad thing is that for all our obsession about sex and how much we love it, we suck at it. Men are terrible at sex. It never even occurs to us to do it well. Women just make sex great. Women are the good part of sex. They accept the dick with grace and they turn it into art. Or they climb on and they ride. They go for a ride. Men don’t. We just climb on. [grunting] I’m putting my dick in you. Put it in. Shove it in. Shove it. [grunting] You ever fuck when you’re out of shape? You’re like, “Ugh, shit. This is–” My stomach muscles are not strong. [grunting]
We’re so bad at sex and then we wonder why women aren’t really aggressive about sex. We think it’s because they don’t have as much desire as we do. That’s how stupid men are. We think they’re just weird. “Women are fucked up in the head, because they don’t want to just fuck all the time.” “If I was a women, I’d just fuck everybody.” “Why don’t they want to fuck all the time? I do.” Of course you do, because when you fuck, you get to fuck a woman. When she fucks, she has to fuck a guy. Wildly different experience. For a man, 100% of the time he’s fucking a woman it’s the greatest thing that ever happened in his entire life. For a woman, about 40% of the time she’s being fucked by a guy she’s thinking, “I’ll get over this in a week. It’s not the worst thing.” “I’m not going to cry this time.”

Another thing that proves how bad men are at sex is that after sex you’re looking at two very different people. The man just wants to lay there and be cool and the woman wants to cuddle. It’s something that men love to make fun of women for. “They always want to cuddle. It’s so needy.” “I already fucked you. Just let me watch the game.” “I’m so cool.” “What are you thinking about?” “Shut up. Leave me alone.” “Why is she so needy?” She’s not needy, you idiot. She’s horny, because you did nothing for her. You did absolutely nothing. Her pussy is on fire because it’s gone unfucked completely. Of course you’re fine, because you climbed on and went– and then rolled off. And she’s on you because she’s going, “What the–? Something else has to happen!” “This is bullshit!” If you fuck a woman well she will leave you alone. “Thanks a lot, buddy.” [snoring]

Thanks a lot, folks. I hope you enjoyed the show. You guys were great. Thank you very very much. Good night.


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