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Kyle Kinane: Whiskey Icarus (2012) | Transcript

In his first hour-long Comedy Central special, Kyle Kinane contemplates the existence of God, and the true meaning of being delivered an unsliced pizza. This special is extended and uncensored with all sorts of extra Kyle.
Kyle Kinane: Whiskey Icarus (2012)

Whoo!

I’m Kyle Kinane. Kyle Christian Kinane. Yeah, these are my jokes. They’re not real funny on a paper. Get me pretty. I just feel like a little princess. Send them back. This is Kyle. He’s gonna tell jokes. ** How’s it going, San Francisco? Yeah. Man. Thank you for coming. San Francisco… one city where you can ask, “Are we in a dog-friendly lesbian bar or a lesbian-friendly dog bar?” Doesn’t matter, it’s San Francisco. Have a good time. I know you got a lot of choices of what to do with your free time. Thanks for coming to see Uncle Barbecue tell us dum-dum stories for a little while. He’s gonna spin a couple yarns and we’ll all get on to our fun, carefree lifestyles. I think a lot of comedy comes from shared experiences, things that we can relate to. Keeping that in mind, anybody else in here get so drunk last month you had to call a cab just to take you to Wendy’s?

Yes!

Just a couple? All right. Maybe a couple? Right there. Yeah. Get to that special point in your mid-30s where you realize that drinking responsibly and crying for help just kind of turned into the same thing. A real successful Saturday night home alone, “I want those spicy nuggets! “You’re too drunk to drive. “Well call a cab, ’cause you deserve ’em. I’m doing the right thing. How come it still feels sad?” That’s what I did. I called a cab, and another grown man drove to my house, for money, because that was his job. And he got to my house and I jumped in his cab, and I said this. Don’t do what I did when you get a cab. I just jumped in and I just said, “We’re going on an adventure!” That’s just $80 on the meter right away. They don’t want to be a tour guide. That’s 80 bucks. That’s the Peter Pan tax, is what that is. That’s the same amount of money if I were to just jump in and be like, “Take me to Neverland!” “80 bucks. You smell like you’re probably gonna barf in here, “so we’re starting at 80. Doesn’t matter where you’re going.”

And so we drove to the Wendy’s and I made him take me through the drive-thru because I did not trust him not to leave me there. It was fair. He was suspicious of me. I was suspicious of him. It was fair play. But this is where I got in trouble, see, is ’cause he was driving a van cab, which means I had to open the whole side door to place my order. I was like, “Well there’s no way in hell I’m not gonna fall on my ass doing this.” So I had one hand wrapped up in the seatbelt. I was just kind of hanging out the side like a helicopter machine gunner. I was just kind of hanging out. I realized like, “This is how they do “the high-speed ransom exchanges “in the action movies I love so much. I’m gonna Bruce Willis the shit out of this.” So I wasn’t even at the window, I was just hanging out. I was like, “You throw me the nuggets, I’ll throw you the cash!” And the lady working there, she threw me the little bag. She’s gotta cut loose. She’s working late at a Wendy’s, Have some fun with your life. Have some fun with it. So I got the stuff, I’m yelling at the getaway driver… At this point, it’s the “getaway driver.” It’s like, “I got the package, step on it! Go!” But he’s not in it. He’s like, “I cannot go if the door is open. “I cannot drive if the door is open. “It is ille… It’s an illegal thing for me to do with the door open.” I’m like, “But we’re doing a whole thing right now. Where’s your imagination?” But somebody clearly had not taken improv classes in college like some other of us have. “You are not ‘Yes And’-ing right now.” “This other Frosty was gonna be for you, yeah. But you blew it, yeah.”

Spent $114.00. Two Frostys and a dozen nuggets… ’cause I’m an American hero. Right now, they’re losing their shit ’cause I spilled on my shirt, and there’s somebody like, “It’s not gonna match! It’s not gonna match! “What do we do? It’s not gonna match. Why didn’t you buy two shirts, Kyle?” I barely need this one. “You got something that will make me look like a sassy janitor?” That’s my… my fashion sense is just the wise, high school janitor. “I think I know a thing or two about love, young man. “Come sit in the closet with me. I’ll tell you all about it. Fuck it, we’re going for it. I shouldn’t even be alive. I know, you look at my life on paper, you’re like, “This is an obituary. This guy’s…” Like, “You should cherish life. Every day as a gift!” Yeah, keep the receipt on some of those. I’m gonna return some of those for store credit. I don’t… like, at least three times a week, I will microwave food, grab it with my hands, think,” This is burning my flesh!” And then immediately think, “Well, then quick, put it in your mouth!” That’s not a blueprint for survival. That’s not how you stick around. I just eat… I eat garbage. I eat the same way Doc Brown fuels the DeLorean at the end of Back to the Future. “Did somebody hit a trash can with a time machine?” “What? I’m making lunch. What are you talking about? “What? “Vitamins? Where we’re going, we don’t need vitamins.” I’ll eat, like, a big bowl of pho and follow it up with sugar-free Red Bull ’cause I don’t care about myself. For those of you… If you don’t know what pho is, it’s a Vietnamese soup that answers the question, “What happens when a former child soldier pours hot rainwater over fish nightmares?” It’s delicious and I can’t stop eating it.

That’s what happens. That’s what happens. And for those of you that know what it is, you think I’m saying it wrong. It’s spelled P-H-O and people are like, “It’s pronounced ‘fuh,'” and they get all upset. “It’s pronounced ‘fuh.'” I don’t care. I’m already eating it. What more do you want from me? I’m guaranteeing there’s nobody in Saigon right now going, “It’s pronounced “meatball sandwich,’ don’t be culturally insensitive.” So I’m going to continue to support the Vietnamese community by eating pho all the time instead of just correcting people’s pronunciation of it. You think about that when you crash your fixed-gear bicycle on the way home. “It’s a fixed-gear. You can’t stop pedaling.” Sounds broken to me, dumb-ass. I rally against hipsters. I shouldn’t. If… If you’re a hip… That’s fine. Be a hipster. It’s okay. You’re 22. You’re supposed to be an asshole. Just don’t get so embedded in it that you become, like, hipster Serpico. That you don’t know… Then all of a sudden, you’re 26, you got, like, a Golden Girls neck tattoo and you’re on a unicycle. And somebody’s like, “What do you really like?” You’re like, “I don’t even know anymore!” You know, don’t… Don’t become so entrenched that you forgot that you’re a human being in 2012. None of that’s gonna go on the special. I just got pissed because people were making fun of how I said “pho.” I’ve learned that optimism and stupidity are two sides of the same coin. I learned that one trying to change my pants without taking my shoes off. Too many mornings go like that. “Just make the ballerina toes, Kyle. “Make the ballerina toes. “You got… you’re gonna shave a good 30 seconds off “your getting-ready time. Make the ballerina toes.” Didn’t work. Cramped up. Cramped up. Spent 20 minutes jammed up in a pair of jeans. “You’re wearing slip-ons, stupid. You could have figured this one out.” I’ll double-check scratch-off tickets I find on the sidewalk, ’cause I think anybody that plays scratch-off tickets is stupid. Stupid enough to discard a winning ticket. “You fools are throwing your money away. “Ooh, hold on, what’s here? Free ticket? That’s like a dollar gift certificate for hope.” I thought I had it all figured out for a while there, then I was delivered an unsliced pizza.

Boo!

Everything you believe in just unravels. Everything you hold true. To some people, it sounds like a simple mistake. Not me. I took it personally. I was like, that’s somebody down at Dominos making a judgment call on my life. That’s somebody seeing my name come up on one too many tickets and finally just being like, “Listen, man… “we know that you’re probably gonna eat this by yourself. “More than likely, all in one sitting too, so… “You know what to do, man. Just fold it in half and… bon appetit.” Just ’cause they were right, I didn’t appreciate the assumption. “You don’t know me, Dominos!” Plumph! “This giant taco tastes like Italy!” I’m trying to be more tolerant, you know? I’m trying… There’s too many… Everybody’s got their own thing going on. It’s a waste of time to not be open-minded at a lot of these things. I’m trying to be tolerant, but it’s difficult. The tolerance, it’s tested, routinely. I was on a flight going from Denver to Chicago, and halfway through my flight… Midair, 35,000 feet… The guy sitting next to me starts eating pancakes out of a bag. Not, like, a Ziploc bag with, like, a little seal and, like, a, “Hey, I meant to do this” vibe. Like a bag from the store. Not a store that sold pancakes. See, I’m saying like a Foot Locker bag. You get me? They’re just loose. They’re just loose in there. They’re like bingo balls… Just loose. And there’s nothing wrong with what he was doing, morally speaking. But you gotta realize that if you do some wackadoo shit like eat pancakes out of a shoe store bag on an airplane, you’re forcing strangers around you into a world of questions they never anticipated they would ever have to ask. First off, “Wha… how… What?… ” First off, all the questions. All of them. First off, every question. “Why are you… why? “How did you get to this point in your life? Where are you going?” Because… like, there… That’s not… How do you wind up… If you’re on an airplane you’re on there with purpose. You are fighting gravity to travel through the sky to land on another part of the Earth’s crust. Nobody’s, like, waking up casually like Amelia Earhart, like, “I think I’ll take to the skies today.” You have purpose. You have reason to fight nature to go somewhere else. How do you have that purpose in your life but still do it with hastily-packed hobo snacks in your midst? That’s not how you catch a plane. You’re not like, “Is this one going southbound? “Haven’t seen Grapefruit Joe in a while. Drop in, we’ll share some beans.” That’s not how you catch a plane. Usually, getting to an airport, that’s your number one priority in the day. “I don’t care what happens, I’m gonna get to that airport. “You can cut… I’ll lose a hand. “I’ll fix it when I get there. Just get me to the airport.” This guy, it was number four or five on his list. This guy was like, “I know I got a flight, but it is Tuesday, “and you know what happens on Tuesday. “Silver-dollar flappies, that’s what happens. “Tuesday is silver-dollar flapjack day. “A lot of people say, ‘Hey, “how come you make the silver dollar ones?’ “I make ’em that way… I don’t make ’em full size. “I make them smaller ’cause I can eat more of them “and I can get more of a sense of accomplishment. “And so I like to do that. “And that’s a lot of batter over there, “but I’ll freeze it up. I don’t have to eat them all. “But I’ll make them all and I’ll freeze them “in Ziploc bags, and when I need them, “I’ll just have them ready. What time is it? “Shit, I gotta go! “What’s around? “Well, I did buy some new shoes the other day. “Foot Locker bag. Shovel, shovel. “Knot, bindle, boxcar, airport. Made it.” And he got on the plane. He’s on the plane, meaning we went through security. He went through an X-ray machine. His stuff went through. Pancakes got X-rayed that day. A TSA agent, somebody with a badge and responsibility. And if they were fulfilling even a fiber of their requirements of keeping the skies safe, somebody had to at least just, like, mumble something like, “Um, sir, I’m s… um… “is this a bag of pancakes? “It… It is. “O-Ok… yeah. “Yeah. “It’s pan… pancakes, yeah. “Well, I’ve never dealt with it before either. “I’m gonna say go ahead. “I don’t know. I don’t know. “We might get an earful for this, but right now, bon voyage, that’s what I’m gonna say.” And when you eat pancakes out of a bag in a semi-public place, there are rules. First off, let people know what you’re getting into. Make a little announcement. “Hey, everybody, I got a bag of pancakes over here. Don’t get freaked out.” Offer ’em around. Don’t… you don’t have to go front and back, just same row. Don’t worry, nobody’s taking any. It’s just a gesture. “See, they are, in fact, pancakes. “Would you care for some? No? I understand.” Then, when you go to eat them… With your hands, ’cause my man did not have fork and knife on his person… You eat them one at a time. Driver’s ed style, 10:00 and 2:00. You take a little nibble out of 12:00, and you hold it in your lap until you’re ready for another bite. You follow those rules, go crazy. Hell, I like your style. Way to usurp inflated airport pricing. “No, I got my own.” Good move. This fucking guy… he starts off… He’s just rustling around under there. He’s just rustling. You can’t rustle on an airplane in this day. It’s suspicious. He’s rustling, he’s kicking up odors. Now we got people… “Is that breakfast? I smell breakfast.” You’re not supposed to smell food on a domestic flight. All it takes is one paranoid weirdo to be like, “I think hydraulic fluid smells like breakfast! We’re going down!” Now we’re all in a panic, ’cause you don’t know what hydraulic fluid smells like. He gets the bag out, rips it open with a confidence like, “Yeah, I’m eating all these bitches.” Rips it open, starts rooting around in there, doing this cotton candy thing. Rooting around, but he’s not looking in the bag. He’s looking up and off into the distance with this look of glazed determination on his face. The kind of look you only see on the faces of people that are neck-deep in swamp water ’cause they’re gonna catch a catfish with their bare hands. You know, just like… “We gonna get ’em!” Pulls his hand out, he’s got two or three just in a grip, in a fist. He’s not going discreet, under the chin. He’s not going like, “Hey, I’m sorry for this,” under the chin. He’s going over the top, just, like, ’93 Jordan layup style, just, “Haa!” Dropping ’em in, then looking around with an attitude after each bite, like, “Snack time, motherfuckers! Boom! Jealous much?” Are you shitting me? I’m a Delta Gold member. I gotta sit next to this? No syrup? You go straight to hell! ‘Cause I don’t know where you’d get syrup in a situation like this. Probably another bag, seeing as how this dude operates. But even then, unwritten rules of decent society state you open up that bag of syrup, you pour it into your original bag of pancakes, and you tie it off nice and tight and shake it around for even coverage. ‘Cause you might be making a bit of mess, but at least people are like, “Well, he’s not gonna eat them dry like a psychopath.” Why is this what I’m upset about? Why are these the things that anger me? There’s bigger problems in the world. I got a blank fortune cookie. That’ll fuck up your whole day. You don’t know what it means. Somebody with common sense would just be like, “Maybe the paper wasn’t aligned right, it didn’t… ” Not me, I’m like, “That’s Confucius himself weighing in.” That’s Confucius. His advice is “I got nothing for you man. You are on your own.” Or maybe this is some Jason Bourne-type stuff. Maybe this is how they let the super spies know they’re activated. I don’t know, I watch too many movies. I crack that open, I’m like, “I must be activated. “I’m a super spy. “That means I know all kinds of martial arts and foreign languages.” So I start yelling in what I assume to be Mandarin. It seems appropriate, given my surroundings. Becomes very apparent right away all I know is remedial Spanish, which at least they understand it because I’m having this outburst at a Panda Express in east L.A. Some guy behind the counter like, “What’s wrong with white boy? Why does he keep yelling about where the library is?” Meanwhile, I’m just making a mess like, “Donde esta la biblioteca? Krav Maga!” Bang! Kicking over lunches. Then I just go to apologize, buy combo B platters for everybody. Lo siento, lo siento. No soy Jason Bourne. Lo siento. The worst are, like, the thoughts that you don’t… Like, the stuff that just pops in your head. You’re like, “Why? Why is that who I am?” Just the scary stuff. The scary stuff that you just keep pushed down all the time and then just one day, just… bink! “God, I’m a horrible person.” You know? You drive by a forest preserve or a nice park on your way to work. Nine times out of ten, you’re like, “Man that’s a nice… “One of these days, I’m gonna have a picnic “in that forest. “It was nice that they set that land aside. “I’m gonna have a picnic. “Maybe I’m gonna fly one of those fancy kites “that people learn how to… “Maybe that’ll be my hobby, nice kites. The fancy, ornate ones.” And then there’s that one time like, “Man, if I have to hide a body, “that’s the park I would do it in. “That’s the best place. “Yeah, man, chop it up, spread it out, “make sure to get rid of those fingers and the teeth, “’cause how they find them. I watch CSI a whole bunch.” You’re like, “Why are you thinking about hiding a body?” “Well, I don’t know, maybe I would have to kill somebody.” “Why would you have to kill somebody?” “Well, what if somebody hurt my family?” “Now you’re just making a list of justifiable murders.” And then that’s on your way to your work, and you don’t like your job so much. And nine times out of ten now, you’re like, “That’s where I hide bodies. Maybe one of these days, when I’m done hiding these bodies, I’ll learn how to fly that fancy kite I’ve been talking about.” I don’t like those thoughts. I don’t like ’em. It’s just… bink! “You thought this.” “You son of a bitch.” I was in Louisville, Kentucky. I hadn’t been there before. Just walking around, trying to get some lunch. Looking for lunch in all the wrong places. Walking around I saw… It was, it was two black guys, and one of them was holding a white baby. I was like, “They stole that baby.” I didn’t want… It’s not like I put it together. It was like… bink! “That’s what you thought.” “You son of a bitch.” And the irony was, I was on my phone trying to find out if a particular sandwich chain had donated to anti-gay charities, ’cause I’m like, “I cannot support that. “That is hatred, and I will not eat there. “I’ll make my own sandwich. “I’ll go buy bread and meat if I have to, “but I will not support that kind of hatred… “Those guys stole that baby. But I will not go eat at this place.” I didn’t even think that they… Maybe they were gay, ’cause one of them was smoking. I was like, “Gay dads don’t smoke.” That’s not even a thing. That’s what I made up after the other thing that popped in there. “How are you gonna justify “thinking that the two black guys stole the white baby? Why aren’t they just gay guys?” “Well, one of them’s smoking. Gay dads don’t smoke” “Stop making up stereotypes.” I’m disgusted with myself. I went to Seoul, South Korea, last year. I’d never been to Asia. I was just taking in this amazing, amazing city. And I’m just walking around… Bright, sunny day, walking around the market, and just out in the sunshine, and I’m the only one wearing sunglasses. I’m like, “How come I’m the only one wearing sunglasses?” I’m like, “They don’t need them “’cause their eyes are already… “don’t even finish it. “Don’t even finish it. Why is that what’s in here?” And it’s not even, like, a bad… It’s like, you don’t need sunglasses, that’s kind of a nice thing. That’s convenient, but it’s still bad. I’m not any happier about this than you guys are, all right? I’m upset with myself. But that’s what… like, you see people like, “Stereotypes exist for a reason.” “Yeah, ’cause you’re a dickhead. That’s why they exist.” That’s great. “Asians are bad drivers.” Go to Asia. Asians are amazing drivers. They’re just punk rock about it. They just don’t give a shit about the rules when they come over here. There’s a traffic circle with 9,000 people in Seoul, South Korea. No lines, no lights, just whirring. I saw a guy on a scooter with 19 chickens on the back cut off a bus. He didn’t lose the ash off his cigarette. That guy comes over here, you’re like, “You’re not using your signal.” He’s like, “Screw you. “I’ve driven over bombed-out bridges, I can handle a merge.” But redefine that. If you’re Asian, put NASCAR bumper stickers all over the back of your car and just blow some hillbilly’s mind that wants to believe like, “Course he’s a crummy driver, he’s an Asian… “Hold on a second here. What? “Wait, no, this guy’s clearly a fan of the sport. “No, I think this guy knows exactly what’s he’s… “this is some kind of new drafting technique. “We gotta watch this guy. “Call up Dale. Call up Dale. Tell him the Asians are on him now.” You know, there’s a stereotype that black people like to talk in movie theaters. There’s a stereotype that white people are uptight. Kind of proved that one when I said that thing about black people and nobody knew if they could laugh or not. If you’re black and you’re here, please do this. Sit next to the most uptight, white person you can find in the movie theater. Not tough to do. Like, single guys at the movies. The worst. See those guys who are like, “No, you sit two down, you sit three down. No. Gay buffer. Gay buffer.” “Yeah. “Good… good thing you did that, “’cause I was totally waiting for Transformers 3 “to, fuck you. “Now I can’t ’cause of the seats. “Now I can’t blow you during Transformers 3 because of your elaborate scheme.” Sit right next to that dude, and watch him already, like, “Well, there’s plenty… I put those seats here for a reason.” And then say something during the movie, but say something that’s gonna blow the white dude’s mind. That’s how you twist it. You like, you wait until, like, the action gets right at the… at the pinnacle, then you just blurt something out like, “This reminds me of Woody Allen’s earlier work!” And he’s just like… “That’s exactly what I was thinking,” you know? Really let him have it. “This lighting is reminiscent of Kurosawa’s.” “Can we go to the movies all the time?” I think between that and a quality spicy mayonnaise… we’re not gonna solve racism, but we’re gonna shave some of the sharp edges off of it.

Spicy mayonnaise? Spicy mayonnaise. You’re the same idiot upset about pho. Of course you’d understand why spicy mayonnaise will unite the races, you’re whiter than I am.

All right. Pull it together. Thanks for being here.

It was free.

What’d you say? Your friends even shut you up there. All right. I had one flight… I was going cross-country, L.A. to New York, And I bought a ticket on Orbitz and I got a direct flight on Orbitz, and that’s not supposed to happen. No. No. Orbitz… It’s a good website, but we’d would be like, “Hey Orbitz, I wanna go from here to that stool,” and Orbitz would be like, “No problem, man. You just gotta go to Denver five times first.” And I like saving $37, so I’m like, “All right. “Go Broncos or whatever. “Let’s see what… let’s see what’s going on in Denver. I don’t know, ’cause I’m gonna save $37.” So I get it and… I get it and I’m excited, but I’m suspicious at the same time ’cause that’s not how it’s supposed to work. And I can’t just have nice things ’cause I was raised Catholic, so everything has some kind of guilt price tag attached to it. Like,” something’s working out. Something bad has to happen. What’s it gonna be?” Like, you just can’t have that, you’re Catholic. “Two sunny days in a row?” “Yeah, but your friend’s gonna die.” “Why? Why can’t things just be nice? Why can’t I just like something and… because it’s nice?” So I get to the airport. I got a lot of trepidation at the airport. I’m thinking maybe the airplane’s gonna be messed up. Like, it’s gonna have, like, one jet engine, one propeller engine. Some kind of Johnny Cash, one-piece-at-a-time assembled aircraft. So I’m inspecting it with all aeronautical knowledge I’ve accrued being a comedian. So I’m, like, in the gate, looking at it. I’m looking under it from the gate. Like, “Yeah, it looks like it’s all right. Looks… looks safe.” I’m telling people like, “It looks safe.” They don’t care. I get to board first. It’s like, “All right. Well, how about this?” I get, you know, I get an aisle seat… “Are you kidding me? I get to stretch the ponies out the whole time? Maybe things are just looking up.” The plane’s boarding. I’m sitting there. Everybody else is coming on. Along come the people that’ll be sitting next to me in my row. They’re two chubby Spaniards… A couple. Spaniards. They were white, but speaking Spanish. They weren’t, like, conquistadors. They weren’t looking for gold, wearing armor. They were just white and speaking Spanish. You don’t know how to comprehend that, “Spaniard” is a fun word to say, the hell with it. We’re calling them Spaniards. And they take their seats. All right. And away we go. Plane taxiing, takes off. In the ascent of the airplane, the Spaniards, wasting no time, that armrest goes up and they start trying to fuck. Just right there. Seats A and B. Seat C, Kyle Kinane. A and B, fucking. Two-thirds, fucking. One-third, Kyle Kinane, not invited to the party, and I’m upset about that. And in their defense, they weren’t, like… There wasn’t just naked butts in the air. They had pulled a big coat up over them, but you know what’s happening under there. There’s movements. They’re not playing cards under there, all right? It’s not like I’m just gonna hear “Uno!” You know, that’s not how it works. I guess I would probably hear “One.” I don’t know how it works with the translation. A little wordplay for you. But… so I’m upset. Right away, I’m like, “No, this is unacceptable, and I do not like this, and I’m upset.” I can see my flight attendant. She’s still strapping. We’re taking off. We’re not even in a place where the flight attendant can even walk around. And I’m like, “I’ve got my speech prepared for her.” I’m like, “You… When we get up there and you get over here and you… ’cause this is not appropriate behavior for air travel.” But exact… What’s she gonna say? I know exactly… she’s gonna come over and be like, “Did you get your ticket on Orbitz?” I’m gonna be like, “Son of a bitch.” $37 of savings right there. $37. And so I gotta sit there and deal with my emotions. I’m forced to deal with this situation. Why am I upset about this? I started to get a little bit easier with it because I got flattered for a second, because that’s premeditated behavior. That’s… you know that you’re gonna do that. You don’t just, like, start on a plane, like, taking off, like, “You feel like having a screw? “Yeah? All right. Good. Good, good. Here we go.” You know, you’re at least at the gate making the eyes, like, “You know. “You know. You know. We go up and then we get down.” So that means they walked on the plane with that knowledge already, meaning they had to go by me and put a judgment on me. They had to walk by and silently be like, “I bet he’s cool with it.” So that got me. That flattered me. I’m like, “I’m a cool guy. I am a cool guy. I don’t want you to think I’m not a cool guy.” I don’t know, maybe they got a bucket list. Number 97, you know? “Screw on a cross-country flight.” I don’t know. But I just realized that I’m not on this Earth to be a goalie. I’m not here to stop somebody from accomplishing their goals. If you’re not hurting anybody, I’m here to either assist or get out of the way. That’s really all it is. That’s really how it should be. They’re not hurting anybody. They’re doing the opposite. Very aggressively, but they’re doing the opposite. So I’ve realized, like, listen… like, listen, I’m gonna put my own theories to the test. I’m gonna let them do what they need to do. I’m gonna be a cool guy about this. But because I’m gonna let them do what they have to do, I’m gonna do what I have to do, which, in this situation, is get wildly drunk and watch the shit out of this. Not like an old-time spy, you know, like, newspaper and fedora. No. Tray table down, elbow posted up, like I’m watching a chess match. So I was like, “Ooh, you’re gonna move the rook? What… ooh, Bobby Fischer’s back in town!” Finally, the flight attendant comes by and she looks over… Like, looks at me, ’cause it’s clear what’s going on… And I was just like, “C’est la vie,” or whatever dumb thing I said to her. And so I was getting my drinks, and so I ordered ’em two at a time. And just… bang, bang. “Look at that over there. That’s a good move. I like that one.” Bang, bang. “How did you… “Now that’s just… I don’t even… Well, good for you.” And eventually, they’re not coming fast enough… the drinks. The Spaniards are doing fine. They’re doing… They’re European. They’re a passionate people. They’re okay. So eventually, I decide I’m going to procure my own beverages. This process starts with a blanket statement I make to the entire cabin of “I’m gonna go to the bar.” Now… if you wanna know how you can tell if you’ve been over-served on an airplane, start with a blanket statement to everyone. And in that statement, include a part of the aircraft that doesn’t exist. “The bar.” I may as well have been like, “I’m gonna take a dip in the hot tub.” Like, it made just as much sense. I get up, I address the people sitting across the aisle from me, who I’ve never spoken to before. But now it’s like we’re old bar buddies, “How we doing? Jimmy, we need a topper? Todd, you good on that?” They’re asleep. They don’t even know. I bumper bowl myself back to the bar, which is just the emergency exit and a cupboard. And I find my flight attendant and I ask for two more drinks. And she… she obliges initially. And she goes in there, and she’s tinkering around. But for some reason, she came back out with the drink, but she had this change of heart from that moment to here, Because she came like… Like just then she realized I pulled an A-ha video down the whole aisle, just slamming into stuff. ‘Cause she brings the drinks out but she’s not presenting them to me, she’s got them locked back here. And she looks at me with this look of concern and she leans in and, like, does that whisper, like she doesn’t want to embarrass me by what she’s about to say. And she just says, “Are you driving?” And I know she meant eventually… but when the world gives you a little gift like that, you don’t let it go to waste. So I put my hands around her hands on the drinks and then I leaned in even closer and I was like, “I hope not. I think we might be on an airplane.” And it was a little one of these, like, who’s joking around with who? And then I got ’em and it was like, “Yeah.” Wink. Point. “Keep it cool, hot stuff.” Whatever I said. And I get back to my seat with my little trophies there, and the Spaniards, they’re just… They’re sitting there. Like, I don’t know if they got busted or they finished or what, but they think they were, like, smooth about it. They had no idea that the “trois” in the menage a trois we were having’s coming back. Third spoke’s rolling by. So they just see this coming up with two drinks sloshing around going, “What? You don’t dismount when the coach isn’t around.” And then sitting… Slam the drinks down like, “Goddamn Orbitz!” And they don’t know what I mean by that. They think I’m just cursing the movement of celestial bodies. I want this to be an art form. I want comedy to be taken as an art form. I feel I put just as much heart and blood, sweat, and tears into this as any musician or any sculptor. And I want it to be appreciated as such. But then I was in a van with my friends not too long ago. And I unsolicitedly just announced… I said, “Hey, guys, these farts are like contractions for the turd baby I’m gonna have later.” And that’s why I’m not an artist. That’s why this is not getting federal funding. There’s not gonna be a grant to perform this in the City Center for the citizens. I can’t believe I made it anywhere creatively though, because I was raised by two loving and supportive parents, and nothing squashes creativity more than unconditional love and support from a functional household. If you have kids, shit on their dreams a little bit. Not all the way, but enough. Give ’em some friction. You need to give ’em something to fight against. I was supposed to be a musician, but I didn’t get that friction. I wanted to be a musician. 16 years old, just, “I’m starting a punk rock band! Screw you guys!” My mom’s like, “You can practice in the basement I’ll make chili dip for your friends.” “No!” So we practiced in the basement. I remember, “This song’s gonna take down the whole Bush regime.” Bass player was like, “Is your mom making that really good chili dip?” “God damn it, Greg! “Would you focus on the anarchy at hand? We only got till 11:00 till we got to shut it down.” Anarchy closes at 11:00 in the suburbs. I’m from the suburbs. I think there’s some credit due to anybody that made it out of the suburbs because that’s a creeping oppression that you don’t realize. It’s not a glaring, clear oppression. I mean, you grow up in the inner city and that’s bullets whizzing over your head. You’re like, “I’m just gonna join a gang and deal drugs, “and I’m gonna get shot right in front of my momma’s house. And that’s how life is in the streets.” But there’s the one guy like, “No, I’m gonna be a playwright, “and I’m gonna take this story to Broadway. And I’m gonna make it. I’m gonna get out of here.” And you grow up in the countryside and you just till the fields, sun up till sun down. And then when you die, they just take your body and they put it right in the field ’cause it’s fertilizer, it makes the corn grow higher. So you’re just like, “Fuck it! I’m gonna be a dancer!” And you move to the big city and you make it as a dancer. But you grow up in the suburbs, and it’s just like, “Well, we can drive around smoking pot, “talking about that philosophy class “that we took at community college. And, you know, if you keep ordering stuff at Denny’s, “they can’t kick you out. “So as long as we… as long as we get, like, coffee… “If we get, like, coffees or French fries, we can just hang out there” until, like… “Holy shit, I’m 35!” You know, you don’t… You don’t realize that it’s right there. I have friends that get surprised when you tell them how many kids they have. “I have three? “I forgot about the little one. I’m 35 now. I’m 35, I just got my own place. Took a while. Some people my age are astronauts. I’m just excited that I get to pee with the door open. Which is what I did at my old place, it just made my roommate sad. Be like, “You’re 35, you think you can close the door?” I’m like, “You’re 40 and living with a guy “that pees with the door open. Maybe you need to get your life together.” “Judge not, lest…” how the rest of that goes. I just like how you get reminded of, like, your own immaturity. Like, I was using one of those accelerator hand dryers… Like, the super high-powered ones… And I realized, if I put my hands just right, I can make a totally wicked fart sound. And right as I perfected the fart sound, I remember like, “Yeah, one of my best friends from high school is a surgeon.” But then I was just like, “That’s too bad. “He’s got no time to make wicked fart sounds “with the hand dryer. “He’s got to scrub up “and get right to the operating room. “Rough life for him. Rough life. He’s missing out.” I don’t know if I got my own place because it’s like, I’m thir… like, that’s what… Like, it was the pressures of, like, societal pressures. Like, “That’s what you do. “You’re 35. You’re a grown man. “You live by yourself and you’re an independent man. “You live by yourself and you start drinking scotch “instead of crappy beer, and you switch back to briefs. “That’s what you do, ’cause you’re a grown man and that’s what grown men do.” Or if I got my own place ’cause I realize I’m about to get the type of weird that I can’t even have people witness on accident anymore. Things are about to get strange and I’m gonna need some solitude for that. And I think it’s much more that. It’s not so much like, “I’m gonna pay my bills on time and read more books.” It’s much more like, “Twizzlers look like they fit in buttholes, and I cannot have somebody walking into the laboratory when Dr. Kyle’s conducting his experiments.” It’s this corkscrew shape. Lick ’em and stick ’em, fellas. Find out about your bodies. It’s 2012. It’s not gay. It’s about loving yourself. It’s okay. A lot of people think Henry David Thoreau went into the woods… Civil disobedience, self-reliance. No. Twizzlers in buttholes. “T” in the “B.” That’s what he needed. Read Walden real close. “T” in the “B.” That is stupid. Man.

Hey, you guys ever get so lonely you sleep on your own couch instead of in your own bed ’cause at least that way it feels like you’re laying next to somebody? “Looks like I’m the little spoon again tonight.” Maybe throw an ex-girlfriend’s old t-shirt on a pillow. Not for humping, just for cuddling. Nobody’s weird here. “Loneliness” is a subjective term. You know, it’s… It’s different for everybody. I mean, you’re a castaway on an island. There’s nobody around. That’s lonely, you know? But it could also mean you lack the simple courage to be able to say, “Hello” to somebody sitting next to you on a bus. That’s lonely too, you know? For me, I can define loneliness. I can just hone it in as the very moment that I realized that I had forgotten I was masturbating at a motel in Green Bay, Wisconsin. That’s it. That’s the point. That what I remember. ‘Cause that’s what happens. I’m a comedian. My dream came true. A lot of my dream is just me in a hotel room treating myself like an animal. Just… It’s not even sexual anymore. It’s just, like, an aggressive shooing away of a nuisance at this point. So like I… “Come on, get out of here.” It’s like I’m taking a broom to get raccoons off the porch. Like, “Come on. Just… yah! Yah!” I understand now why a dog can hump something but still look right at you. Like, I understand that. You see a dog, it’s like, “What? “This feels good and you’re my buddy. “What’s… why? “You’re the one making it weird. What? What?” It was. I was just, like, in the shower and there’s a boner. I was like, “Well, roll up your sleeves, you know?” “It’s like shoveling snow at this point. You know what we do. Something you gotta do.” Just dead-eyed, staring at a wall. And I realized that on the shelf there, I’d bought the little size of shampoo… I bought dandruff shampoo on accident. And I saw that and I was like, “I don’t have dandruff.” And I remembered that’s, like, the old Head and Shoulders jingle. ‘Cause I was like, “I don’t have dandruff,” and then, out loud, I just went, “Exactly.” Then I got… And I had a little chuckle. I had a little chuckle to myself. I’m like, “That’s funny. “If you’re making jokes like this and you’re in the shower, “you’re right to go out there and pursue your dreams, Kyle. “You’re on the right path. “You’re doing this stuff in the shower. “You’re cutting yourself up. “You’re doing the right thing with your life. “Anyway, what else… What were we doing? Yeah, well…” Man. It’s good I got my own place, because, like, instead of going to the gym like, I could just stay home and cry now, so that’s pretty awesome. You macho guys crying yet? You doing any of that stuff? Tough guys? Having a good cry? Waylon Jennings, you getting one? I love a good old cry. It’s good for you. Do what you gotta do. Allow that. It’s not good to keep that stuff… do what you do. Pull the drapes, put on a DVD of How To Train Your Dragon, let it out. Let it out. It’s not good to keep all those emotions bottled up inside of you. Now, it’s not great to uncork ’em all at the grocery store at 11:30 at night. But once you’ve allowed yourself these triggers, you don’t know when that magical Linda Ronstadt song is gonna play, and you’re just in the frozen food section like, “We’re doing this here? “We’re doing this here. Okay. “Whoo-hoo-hoo. All right. “Wow. “Stouffer’s frozen dinner for two? “Looks like I’m gonna have leftovers on that one, Yeah, she is gone. All right.” You ever see a TV dinner just abandoned in the beer aisle? Yeah, that’s me. I did that. That’s my street art. Take that, Banksy. I don’t even have to mess up anybody’s wall or nothin’. Just left some Salisbury steaks up top some Coors Lights. I think you get the message. I am… I’m very fortunate. I’m lucky I’m a comedian, ’cause otherwise my life would just be a series of undocumented low points. I don’t know how you guys do it. Hats off to you, really. I mean… Fighting the good fight out there. No, I just try to, like, make sure I learn a lesson from whatever I get into. Get the lesson out of it, you know? Like, I had a very… I had a very particular low point. It was a few months back, and I was at a 7-Eleven buying dinner. And that’s not where you get a staple if you’re in the vicinity of somebody that loves you. I was not. I was in Los Angeles. Nobody loves anybody down there. Nevertheless, I was there, I think even sadder yet is I knew exactly what I wanted too, ’cause I made a beeline right for that little hot dog aquarium that’s on the counter in there. Which is its own metaphor for sadness, ’cause all those meats, they’re all rolling towards you but they’re not gaining any ground. It’s just steamy frustration in there. Like, you could almost hear the hot dog like, “I can see the horizon! We’re gonna make it! No, no, no, no, no!” And… and amongst all the tumbling, sweaty meats, there was one lone Cheeseburger Bite left in there. Which if you don’t know what a Cheeseburger Bite is, I’ma tell you. It’s a cheeseburger, sure, but it’s shaped like a hot dog. Because 7-Eleven’s whole ad campaign right now, I think, is just “Fuck it. “You’re gonna eat it. “You’re gonna eat it. “You’re not gonna eat it? “Free cheese. Told you you’d eat it.” And I don’t know how it came into being, you know? I don’t know if there’s some weird Dr. Moreau-type character in R&D at 7-Eleven that’s just trying to mash shitty foods into one another. Like, “Hot dogs will become cheeseburgers! Cheeseburgers will become hot dogs!” Or if somebody dropped an actual cheeseburger onto that perpetual motion machine, and then just the sheer force of time and movement, it acquired the shape of a hot dog, a lot like how broken glass gets smoothed out and jewel-like if the waves crash on it in the sand. Clearly, I’ve thought about this far too much. But I’m in there and I’m just pointing it out. I’m excited about it. And the midnight clerk at 7-Eleven comes over, a man who should not have hope left for society. He shouldn’t care what anybody does. This guy’s off… He’s off the grid at this point. Even this guy tried to give me an out. Even he tried to, like, stop what he was about to see. See, like, the same… like, when a blackjack dealer sees somebody that’s just wasted, they’re hitting on 20, and even they can’t take it anymore. They’re just like… just like… He gave me one of those. He came over, but he put the question on me, let it be my choice. He just came over and he’s like, “What are you doing? “Look at what you’re doing. What are you doing?” And I just… I didn’t even look up from the plastic. I was just like, “I’m a gambler!” And he didn’t even realize what that meant. But that’s where his face just dropped. He didn’t even use tongs, just grabbed it with his hands. Bun, here you go. I didn’t eat it as much as I made it disappear like a David Blaine illusion. Thing came at me, it was just like, “Crumbs. Magic hands!” Like, one fell swoop. Myarf! Debit card, 1.89. Shoomp, shoomp! Chase rewards points! And I had to get out to the sidewalk before I realized what, like, everything that just happened. Like, I just ate the same dinner as a homeless person, but I didn’t even savor it. I didn’t even appreciate it. And, that was a low point. That was a… that was a Tuesday. And then Wednesday I got a DUI and I went to jail. For the more poetic of you out there, Whiskey Icarus finally flew a little too close to the sun. And, I don’t know if you’ve ever been to jail before, but when you go there, it’s… You get to sit on a little bunk bed without your shoelaces and you get to contemplate your life. You get to ask… say things to yourself like, “Hey, Kyle, “remember when you thought eating that Cheeseburger Bite “was a real low point? “It’s time to recalibrate your definition of fucking up. They took your belt so you don’t hurt yourself.” And I’m not trying to make light of drinking and driving. I made a mistake, I screwed up, but understand that there are grades to that crime. There are degrees to drinking and driving. I got my DUI in Los Angeles. I’m from Chicago, where to get a DUI in Chicago… We got some people. You, clearly, will understand this. You would have to drive through a playground at recess and still fail a field sobriety test. I pulled over on the highway once ’cause even I knew I was too drunk to drive in Chicago. Pulled over, shirt open. Gonna take a nap. Keys in the ignition, ’cause I like to listen to tunes while I slumber. Woke up with police flashlights shining in my face and them just saying, “Let me see your hands!” And my first thing I just blurt out is like, “How’d you guys get in my room?” They let me drive home. Said, “You take this room back to the house that it is a part of.” I got my DUI in Los Angeles, where to get a DUI there, you just have to look like this and be singing classic rock a little too enthusiastically at 1:30 in the morning while going five miles an hour over the speed limit. But I learned my lesson, don’t drink and drive. Also learned my lesson, don’t get your lawyer based off of Yelp reviews. “Well, Darrell from Burbank gave him four stars. “How bad could he be? “Darrell also reviewed the coffee at a Jiffy Lube. “Also four stars. “He doesn’t want to praise too much, “but he wants to be encouraging. I like his style.” I think I’m just gonna start believing in God again. Why not? Not out of any kind of, like, repent or anything. I’m not so… I’m just bored. It’s just a more fun place if you’re agnostic. Like, just leave the “maybe” there, you know? It just more fun. Like, “Why do trees grow so tall?” “Maybe it’s God.” “Is that a guy following us with a knife?” “Maybe it’s a chupacabra.” You know? It just… The world’s a more whimsical place if you get into that. I want to believe in ghosts. Like, that’s why I get maid service. I like to pretend it’s a real courteous poltergeist. “Spirits are real and they made the bed. That was real nice of them.” I believe in Bigfoot. I think Bigfoot’s real, but I think his whole thing is that he… He fucks you while you’re camping. And that’s why the true story never came out. You’re just camping, your tent opens up and you’re like, “Man, it’s Bigfoot.” And he’s just like, “Shh. “Nobody’s gonna believe you, bro. Take off your pants.” That’s why Bigfoot walks like that. All laid back. Just got done fucking. “Shit, there goes Bigfoot! “Looks like he just got his dick wet, yeah! Bigfoot!” That’s the dumbest joke I’ve ever written. I don’t know, I’m just… I’m gonna be agnostic. I was an atheist, but, man, those people are just the worst. They’re just as bad as everybody else. Atheism. Atheism’s just, like… It’s dangerous when you’re a teenager. It’s interesting in college. And after that you’re just a drip that ruins parties by starting everything with, “You seem like an intelligent person.” It’s cool that you have… I just don’t trust anybody that is so positive that… Like, so certain about something you can’t prove, you know, either way. Either… either side you fall on, God or no God. I don’t trust them and I don’t trust people that have confidence without alcohol. I do not trust those people. Somebody that can dance when they’re sober is the scariest person you’ll ever meet. Those should be the first people in line for murder suspects. If you’re… You’re just at a wedding, you see somebody getting really loose. Like, “Man, how many have you had?” “Not a drop since ’97. Don’t like losing control of myself.” “You get outta here, baby eater.” But, yeah, I don’t know. Like, I had this… I had… I guess it’s an epiphany. I don’t know what it was. I was making some IKEA furniture and I wasn’t even using the instructions. So I was just, like, freestyling on it. So that pretty much makes me a carpenter. And so I started like, “Here I am, “just this little bearded guy being a carpenter, “and Jesus is just a little bearded carpenter. “And he just traveled the land “trying to make people happy and better. “Like, I just travel the land trying to make people happy. “And maybe I’ve been a Christian this whole time, “I just didn’t even know it, because you try and live “in a more Christlike way. And that’s what I’ve been doing this whole time.” But then I realized that Jesus probably never called a TV stand a bitch five times and then took a nap to Cheers reruns out of frustration. He would have persevered where I faltered. So that, and some other things, are why I’m not like Jesus. But I have been getting the stigmata a whole lot lately, so that’s been throwing me off. Not traditional, like, holes in the hands and speaking… I’ve just been getting fat and going bald. It’s some Buddhist stigmata… Something. I… I watched this documentary… You guys probably know it up here… Called The Bridge. Yeah, nobody ever cheers if they saw it. They just… For those of you that don’t know, it’s a documentary about all people that jump off the Golden Gate Bridge trying to kill themselves. And it was just… I thought it was a fascinating film ’cause they set up cameras and they caught these people. Well, they didn’t catch ’em, but on film. And they… Yeah, yeah. I did that in San Francisco. Like I understand the why. I understand if you want to take an early exit. Like, if you get to that point in your life where you’re like, “I’m just gonna go to work for the next 40 years. I don’t like this today. 40 years of this?” And right when you kind of get your mind around like, “Maybe it’ll be okay,” a coworker pops by like, “Don’t forget, there’s karaoke every Tuesday!” You’re like, “I’m taking off. No way.” So I understand… I just never understood the how. ‘Cause they show these people. It’s always the same kind of person, just kind of disheveled, dirty sweatpants, shuffling up the edge. A little bit of hemming and hawing, and then just… pfft… Over the side. Just, like, not even one of them wore a cape or anything. It’s the last thing you’re gonna do. Go out with a question mark instead of a period. Let your loved ones… It’s a selfish thing you’re doing. Give your loved ones just, like, a moment of like, “Wha… Really?” I don’t know, you know? Go nice suit, umbrella at the last minute. Mary Poppins theme. Confuse people. Have one last trick up your sleeve, you know? If I get to that point where I’m gonna get outta here, I’m not gonna lose my commitment to the art of performance or personal flair. I will do it. I’m gonna jump off a building. But I’m gonna do it wearing a snorkel mask and flippers. And then right next to where I’m gonna land, I wanna have a little glass of water set up. Because that way, people can wonder, “Did he wanna kill himself or is this just the worst daredevil we’ve ever seen?” There wouldn’t even be a suicide, there’d just be a Post-it on the ledge like, “I think I can make it.” People are like, “Make what? “What was he gonna make? “There’s… “Logistically, this is impo… Maybe he didn’t calculate for wind, I don’t know.” Just allow that much. And then when I do die… I don’t have a lot of goals for my earthly time, but when I do pass, I want either… I want to be cremated, and I want the remains sprinkled on my mother’s living room carpeting with a little plaque that says, “Look who’s not vacuuming now?” It was one of my chores. It’d be like an inside joke. It’d be a cute thing for her. “You want to keep your baby boy close? “I’m right here. “Living room’s only for guests? Well, now I’m the guest. “You take the plastic off the couch. I’m sticking around.” That… or… Your gravestone doesn’t have to be factual. You know that, right? Your grave… that’s yours. Make sure you take advantage of that. That’s yours. Don’t let some uncreative relative just put some schm… “loving father.” You… that guy could have been a dick. You don’t even know. I do want… that’s… If I get that, I wanna have just the little… The tasteful little rectangular, flush with the ground headstones. Nothing fancy. Tasteful font. It’ll just say, “Kyle Christian Kinane. “Born December 23rd, 1976. Died in your arms tonight.” Quotes, “Must have been something you said.” Because listen, that’s not a great joke, all right? But it’s the best one you’re gonna read in a cemetery. And where more do you need a laugh in this world? Kyle Kinane’s got you, even after death. Kyle Kinane, A.D.’s here for you. You’re walking in there, it’s a sad day, maybe you just see that, like, right there, peripheral vision, walking in and you just… “Look at this. “You see this? “It’s ’80s lyrics. “This guy. “It’s that song… “* Died in your arms tonight “This guy. “Come here and look. She’s not going anywhere. “Come here and look at this. “My God. That’s funny. “That is all right. I like that. “No flowers, that’s a sh… “I’m sorry, I’m st… “You don’t get these today. “You earned those today, buddy. That is a funny joke.”

Guys, thank you so much. Thank you very much. ** Thanks for watching my show. Unless you chose to watch DVD extras first, in which case, you have strange priorities. I kind of like your style.

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Ramy Youssef Monologue SNL March 2024

Ramy Youssef Monologue – SNL | Transcript

Host Ramy Youssef performs stand-up about the holy month of Ramadan, getting a call from the Biden campaign and ends with a prayer for the end of suffering in Gaza and for the liberation of all hostages.

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