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Kyle Kinane: Loose in Chicago (2016) | Transcript

Kyle Kinane talks about why his girlfriend doesn't need to worry about him cheating, reveals the whitest thing he's ever said, and explains why you have to keep fashion in mind if you insist on carrying a gun.
Kyle Kinane: Loose in Chicago (2016)

[indistinct chatter]

Ladies and gentlemen, Kyle Kinane!

[cheers and applause]

Well…

[cheers and applause]

Thank you. Thank you very much. All right, all right. Wow. Thank you very, very much. It’s good to be taping a special in Chicago… at Metro. Back in my hometown. This feels great. Thank you for being here. I am on the road most of my life, so to come back home to tape a special, it means a lot to me. So, yeah.

[cheering]

It’s weird. I spend most of my time on the road, and I have to leave my girlfriend at home. And sometimes she’ll make mention that she might be getting a little bit jealous, that when I’m on the road, I might meet women after my shows. And it’s hard to explain to her that I don’t meet women after my shows. I meet guys that look exactly like me after my shows. Yeah. Not a line of babes waiting around backstage. Just a bunch of hirsute fart factories, smelling like expired mustard, leaning in, saying stuff like, “I get it, man.” I’m like, all right, okay, all right. I’m not sure what you get, but thanks for being here. Couldn’t do it without you, fellas. Glad you’re here. It is. Mostly, I’m glad about everybody who comes out and comes see me do comedy. Once in a while, an odd pickle will turn up. Most of the time, it’s great, but once in a while… Like, I was in Louisiana, and there was a fella in the front row. He was like a real unpainted Juggalo type dude. You can pick them out sometimes. Like, oh, man. You see them in the raw, you’re like, “Ah, somebody hosed you off for a job interview, didn’t they?” And his wardrobe of choice for the evening was a black t-shirt with white letters that just said, “I heart squirters.” That’s what he wore. That’s what he wore out in the world. Just wore that. That’s like you’re just dressing up for a mug shot with a shirt like that. And that’s one thing. Like, all right, that’s the sentiment you wanted to put into the world. Like, what were you hoping for? What’s the intention of wearing that? Like you read “The Secret,” and that’s what you’re gonna will into the world. And do you think you’re gonna connect with that special young lady who’s gonna relate to that shirt? You think that your princess is out there just going, “Oh, no fella’s gonna understand me and my body, and how I get all strange when I get excited down there.” And then… And there you are. You’re right there with your “I heart squirters” shirt, like her shining wet knight, just waiting for her. And it was in the South too. If you’re in Jersey and that’s your shirt, I understand. It’s like, “Uh, I like squirters, see? I put it on my shirt.” But, like, the South, the South, you can finesse the language better down there. It’s a romantic region. You can massage the words to get your message out without being so direct. Like, in Louisiana, I would expect more of a gentlemanly sort of effort, like, “I do enjoy the fountain-esque ladies.” And just, “Mm, mm.” Wish him the best of luck. Hope you find love out there. I’ve been out a lot. I was in Edinburgh, Scotland, for a month last year, doing shows. It was a fine time. I said the whitest thing I’ve ever said in my life in Edinburgh. Not anything terrible, but just white. Just white. You know, sometimes how you’re hyper-aware of, like, “Whoa, that was white.” Like, where you even have to step back after something comes out of your mouth, like, “Ho-ho, mm.” “This tuna salad is pretty good, but it could use a little bit more mayonnaise, Barbara.” Ugh. Thought you were more well-rounded than that, dude. Come on, man. “A karaoke birthday party on a Monday. You’re crazy for this one, Timothy.” Egh. But then, once in a while, you just top yourself. That’s what happened to me in Edinburgh. I think the exact phrase I used in Edinburgh, I was like, “I can’t believe this castle doesn’t have wi-fi.” That was it. It’s not getting whiter than that, dude. That’s it. You complained about brand-new white shit inside of real old white shit. You just made a honky turducken, is what you did. All right. And then, I went from there. I went down to London. And I went on the Jack the Ripper tour in London, because that’s what I do, still. Like, I should grow up, but that’s the stuff I’m into. And it’s a big deal there. Like, there’s still big advertisements. Like, “You got to go on this Jack the Ripper tour.” And it’s from the 1800s, but that’s still their big tour thing. “Go on the Jack the Ripper tour.” And you sign up for a tour, and there’s so many tours. There’s like competing tours, and they’re cutting each other off in the street. It’s so popular. And you sign up, and you get assigned a tour guide who’s just a decrepit little English man, and he’s dressed in the period. He’s got a top hat and a cloak, and he’s using the scariest British voice. Or maybe just his British voice, ’cause it’s hard to tell with the old ones. The old ones always sound like they’re just dooming you no matter what, you know? “What time is it? 7:30.” All right. He’s leading us around the city on this tour. And the tour is interesting, but it’s hard to focus on it, because you’re still in a modern city. So he’s trying to put you in the time period that this all happened, and he’ll stop you on some part of the street where he’s like, “And here, one of the victims was found, dissected with medical precision.” But you’re still in front of a KFC. It’s kind of like, “Eh.” It’s hard to focus. I mean, I’ve dissected a family bucket with medical precision. “This tour is boring as shit.” But then we get to the end of it. We get to the big finale, and he’s got everybody gathered around, and this is his big climax moment of the tour, and he’s got everybody there, and this is where he just sends it home. And he’s got everybody, he goes, “And it’s believed that, in total, “Jack the Ripper may have killed up to five victims.” Now, I know that this is a weird time to get welled up with national pride.

[laughter]

[applause]

But I had to turn to my friend. I was like, “Did he say five? “We’ve been rolling our ankles on cobblestone for three hours “for five? “We paid £60. “I don’t even know how much that is in real money. For fucking five?” And I got real USA. I was like, “I’m from America, baby. We got somebody killing five people right now.” And we don’t give them walking tours, neither. You get a walking tour for everybody that killed five people in this country, the whole 48 lower states would just look like half-price tickets at Disneyland. That’s what it’d just look like. Wisconsin alone would have so many people in there, they’d be tipping off into the lake. You kill five people, you could defend yourself in court after killing five people and get off with, like, just, like, a warning. That’s where we’re at. You could be like, “All right, yeah, “I know what happened, Your Honor, but listen. “You know how they say McDonald’s “has breakfast all day? “Yeah, and then you get your hopes up. “But then they can still run out of that shit. “And that’s what they don’t tell you “when you’re trying to have an egg McMuffin for dinner “and, like, ‘We’re out of Canadian bacon.’ “Sure, I got a little out of hand. I got a little– I got a little out of hand.” The judge is like, “Rough weekend, I understand. “We all have them. “We all have them, we all have them. It was a rough weekend.” You kill one person on accident in America, you don’t even get arrested anymore. They make you a cop. That’s what happens.

[applause]

“But I don’t want to be a police officer.” “It doesn’t matter. “You passed the test, you’re qualified. Welcome to the force.”

It’s gonna be a very– It’s gonna be a very interesting conversation we’re gonna have to have in this country when there’s a mass shooting that targets a group of people we can all agree don’t really need to be around anymore anyway. It’s gonna cross that line at some point. Let’s–I mean, all right, morose, yes. True, yes. “There was another mass shooting.” “Oh, my god, who were the victims this time?” “Westboro Baptist Church.” “Huh, hmm.”

[applause]

See, no, no, no, it’s a senseless loss of– I can’t. [laughing] Oh, God hates who? God hates– I don’t hear them anymore. I don’t hear them.

[cheers and applause]

“Remember how you said you wanted to ban all the guns?” “I didn’t say all the guns. “Did I say all the guns? “What kind of guns did they use? “I didn’t mean those, not those. The other ones that kill the nice people.” I mean, Fred Phelps died. He was the leader of the Westboro Baptist Church. He died; I’ll miss him. He was such a good villain. You don’t understand– you don’t understand, like, how necessary a good villain is, ’cause a good villain unites unlikely groups of people, and that’s what he did. They’re so terrible, that you had just people that you have no idea would even know each other are now on the same side of picket lines against him. That’s a good villain. You know, ’cause you had, like, obviously, the gay rights people and that whole community, ’cause they hated them for their tastefully worded signs they would hold up at all the street fairs and parades. But you know who else would protest Westboro Baptist Church? Hell’s Angels would protest. You were such a dick, the Hell’s Angels didn’t like you. That’s impressive. You know, the Hell’s Angels were also anti-Westboro Baptist Church, because those Westboro folks, what they would do was, they would picket soldiers’ funerals because they thought that American troops were dying overseas in wars because America was allowing gay people to get married. And I don’t care what kind of spiritual mathematics you’re working with. That doesn’t add up at all. “No, see, because of that, and now this.” No, man, no. Show your work. Yeah, you can’t. You can’t show your work. You can’t show your work on that. So, yeah, obviously you have the gay rights, the gay people against them, but then, also, you had Hell’s Angels, because bike gangs all formed from veterans coming back from World War II. That’s how these bike gangs started. You don’t mess with the veterans without the bike gangs getting involved. So now you had Hell’s Angels and gay people on the same side of the line, just in their shared hatred of somebody. And you got to respect that level, that you brought those unlikely groups together, just lining up side-by-side, just like, “Ha, huh, hey… All right, yeah.” “Hate these guys too, huh? “Yeah, fuck these guys, man. “Yeah, all right, all right. “Yeah, they suck, yeah, all right, okay. “What’s that? “Cute vest? Oh, yeah, thanks, thanks.” “I like yours too. “I wouldn’t have done all the fringe, but I like what you’re doing with yours.” “Oh, the hell with it, you know what? “We’re all going out for beers after this, “and I don’t know what you guys were doing afterwards. “If you want to just, you know, “hang out with us, have some beers. “Yeah, okay, cool, yeah, why not, right? “Ah, you need a ride. “Uh, ooh… “I got the bike here. “We’re coming together. “You know, get on, yeah, get on, buddy. “We’ll handle it, you get on there. “Oh, look at that, you’re getting on the front. “Okay, all right. “You know what, it’s a special day. “It’s a special day. “Let’s just let our hair blow in the breeze together. That’s what I’ll say to that.” Got to be appreciative of that. I’m not even– I don’t know. I know it’s weird with all the violence. I’m not even, like, an anti-gun guy or nothing. I don’t–whatever. That’s my political stance. “Whatever.” I’m confused with, like, the open carry law, where you can legally just have one, just… Not even hidden, just have it out. First off, like, that’s weird that you need to have it. Second off, I don’t like the term “open carry,” because that’s what I always would use for, like, open containers. Like, you could just walk around with a beer. And so, then, the first of the year rolls around, and they’re like, “Well, these are all the states where open carry is legal.” And I’m the idiot going, “Well, it’s about time. “I should be able to walk around with one. “I’m not hurting anybody. “Should be able to walk around with six of them, all right? “Friday doesn’t even get started “unless I get through six of them, man. That’s what I’m saying.” “They’re not talking about beers, Kyle. They’re talking about guns.” “Ha-ha, oh, boy, I feel silly.” So the beer’s still illegal? It is? Okay, cool laws. Cool laws, everybody. Cool laws that make total sense.

[cheers and applause]

I don’t know. I just think that if you need to have the gun… there needs to be a dress code also. You can’t just have the gun and then wear– You need–the rest of this needs to match, ’cause not only do you have a weapon. You also have a very aggressive accessory now, all right? You have a centerpiece to your outfit. It’s the focal point, and the rest of it needs to coordinate. All right? That’s what I’m saying. Do you ever see a woman out with a tiara, but no ball gown? Just, like, sweatpants? That’s a crazy person. That’s what crazy looks like. That’s not someone making sensible decisions. No, that’s a woman just yelling out, “The Kremlin stole my babies!” And everybody is like, “I don’t even need to be in this AutoZone right now. “I don’t even need– “What did I need, seat covers? “I’ll get seat covers tomorrow. “I’m gonna let this weird, homeless princess find her children.” That’s the same thing with a gun. You can’t just have that, and then not– This–if you have a gun here, the outfit needs to make you look like a responsible member of society, like you know what you’re gonna do if that gun comes out of the holster. If there’s a gun here, this shit needs to look like John Wayne or Indiana Jones or Captain America. I don’t know. Something that people will be like, oh, he knows what he’s gonna do with the gun if it’s got to come out of the holster. I was in Colorado. I saw a guy who was open carry right there, and I saw the gun first, and then I saw that it was attached to some board shorts. No! Long pants! Long pants! You have a weapon. Long pants! This low-rent Johnny Utah shit, when you got it clipped onto some swim trunks? With drawstrings? He’s using drawstrings to hold up the weight of a gun. You know how tight you got to pull those drawstrings? Now I know he’s in a bad mood, ’cause his hips have been chaffing all day. And that’s not the attitude you should have with a firearm, walking around like, “I should have powdered, “because I’m just getting all red on my hip bone. “What are you looking at? Stop looking at my calves!” And flip-flops. Get out of my country. Flip-flops. Flip…flops. I don’t even own guns, but I know that if you’re gonna draw down on somebody, ’cause you’re one of those good guys with a gun that stops all that crime– thank you so much for how often that’s been happening– if you’re one of those guys, if you want to get– if you want good aim, close-toed shoes. God damn it! Close-toed shoes. Oh, you’re gonna be–you’re the one who’s gonna stop a crime when you just–you just– you take it out of the holster, and then you’re just swishing around in your Tevas. Explain that to the cops when they get to the scene. Like, “What happened here?” “Well, I saw the perpetrator run out of the bank “with a duffel bag full of loose bills, “so I deduced that he had robbed the bank. “And then, fortunately, I’m licensed open carry, “and so I went and pursued the suspect, “but what had happened during that pursuit is, “I Jimmy Buffetted myself right on– “I just straight-up Margaritaville’d myself “and blew out a flip-flop. “You know the song, Parrotheads, right? “All right, yeah. “Anyway, yeah, I shanked it. “I shanked it. “That one went off. “That one went off into the playground over there. “Fingers crossed, fingers crossed, right? I was trying to do the right thing.” That joke takes a wild turn. I’ve been in the South. I’ll be in Tennessee and stuff, and I don’t know where open carry is legal, so I have to ask. I’ll be like, “Is open carry legal in this state?” And some people will be like, “Yes, it is.” I’m like, “Oh, thank you for just your monotonous answer of just yes or no.” Sometimes I’ll ask it in a place where people are way too enthusiastic about it. Like, “Is it open carry here?” “You’re god damn right it is!” And I’m like, “Whoa.” I just got to change gears real fast with that joke. “You bet your ass. This is America. It should be legal everywhere.” And all of a sudden, I’m like, “Man, have you guys ever had burritos? It’s like a taco got cold, you know what I’m saying?”

I mean, come on, we’re in Chicago. It’s easy to get all rah-rah, liberal, open-minded and clap about that stuff. We’re liberal, open-minded. If we’re at this show, I would think we’re not conservative, closed-minded people. I like getting around my liberal, open-minded friends. They’re like, yeah, of course, obviously. Yeah, open-minded people, open-minded. If you’re gay, straight, whoever, you get to marry whoever you want to marry. And if you’re a woman, that’s your body, and it’s your right to do want to do with that body. And if you’re transgender, you’re in a rough place right now with the way laws are going on. But, hey, we’re all just pilots dropped into different vehicles in this world, and if you got to work with after-market parts to get it to where you want it to be, you work with after-market parts to get it to where you want to be. Yeah.

[cheering]

Yeah. I love being around all these open-minded liberal friends of mine. And then I love just pouring ketchup on a hot dog. Fuck you. Fuck you. That’s right. Ooh, ooh! Sounds like somebody’s taste buds are Republican. Whoo, yeah. Pat yourselves on the back about being open-minded a little bit later, when you can stop thinking about punching somebody ’cause they want to put pineapple on a pizza, you dick-heads. I’m in my hometown. I just pissed all over the stage. What are you gonna do about it? I got paid.

[cheers and applause]

[laughs] This won’t go on the special. I like that I think I’m being real punk rock by doing a ketchup on a hot dog joke. I almost saw the singer of Samiam get a blow job on this stage 15 years ago. But look at me, really blowing people’s minds up here. Ridiculous. [laughs] Thanks for being good sports, everybody. Really appreciate it, thanks for coming out.

[applause]

I don’t have– I don’t know where I’m at politically. I really don’t. But I just like poking holes in all of it. That’s the only thing I feel like. I think every side can be tested, no matter what their convictions are. Like, one of the things, I’m not a gambler, but I like playing craps, not because of the gambling aspect, but just because, if you’re playing craps, and you’re the one rolling the dice, you know, and you got a real hot hand, and everybody’s winning money ’cause you’re doing real good with the dice, that means you get to yell out whatever you want, in the name of luck, to test the greed of the people around you. And that’s a fascinating position to be in, in this world, where you can really push the morals of strangers just for a few bucks, you know? You got to make sure you’re on a lucky streak. You know, you got two or three good rolls in. And you throw out, like, a little tester. You know, throw out something like, “Come on, daddy needs some new shoes,” and be like, “Look at those shoes, those shoes suck. Let’s get him them shoes!” And, like, “Yeah,” they’re all cheering you on. But then, you get a few more in there, and everybody’s chips are getting a little bit higher and higher, and that’s when you drop stuff like, “Man, these Laotian child brides aren’t getting any cheaper. You know what I’m saying?” “What– What did you hear him say?” “What– “No, no. “He just said he’s getting married in Laotia. “We got to get him on that honeymoon. “That’s what we got. We got to get him on that…honeymoon.” “Everybody down at the pet store knows what I mean “when I tell them I need a cage for a ‘big dog.’ [laughs] Whoo!” “No, I heard him that time. “I heard him. “He’s gonna lock up those Laotian women. “He’s just confessing to crimes “he can’t afford to commit yet. “Yeah, I’m staying in. I’m about to pay off that Sonata.” [laughs] Oh.

Let’s see. I’ve got gout. Ha-ha. Yeah! I got gout!

[sparse applause]

[indistinct shouting]

What? Yeah.

man: How old are you?

How old am I? 39.

[cheering]

Do you want to ask more questions, or do you want to just let me finish the joke, and I’ll probably answer them in the joke?

[cheers and applause]

First, wait, are you worried about yourself getting it? ‘Cause if you’re at this show, you’ve got it, dude. You all got it! [laughs] Yeah, it’s real dumb. I’m not being brave or nothing up here. It’s a real dumb disease. It’s real stupid. Yeah, got it? All right, okay. Well, we’ll get a support group after the show. Yeah, it’s real dumb. You just get it from just eating and drinking whatever you want to eat and drink. I thought that’s what I was supposed to do. I thought that’s how life worked, you know? “You should live life to the fullest, Kyle.” I did. I got fucking gout. They don’t tell you the side effects of living your life by all these bumper sticker philosophies out there. There’s no asterisk on there telling you, like, “Oh, well, be forewarned that this might happen.” But I listened to all that stuff. “Just dance like nobody’s watching, Kyle. Dance like nobody’s watching.” But they’re watching, they’re watching. They’re called security guards at Toys “R” Us, and they are watching. I’m usually alone on this one. I don’t know if anybody else does this. Whenever you drive by a Toys “R” Us, do you ever just mutter, “We sure are”? And then you curse the Illuminati for the rest of the day. No? They’re waving it right in our faces! And we’re not doing a god damn thing about it. So I went in, and I was all panicked about the gout. I was freaking out. I’m like, “Oh, my god, I’ve got a disease.” And I’m just being a victim about it, like, “Oh, god, I have a thing.” And even my doctor was like, “Stop being a baby. “It’s easily manageable. “Lots of people have gout. “You’ve got nothing to worry about. “You can totally manage it. “All you have to do, you just have to avoid, like, beer and any food you might find at a barbecue.” Yeah, all I heard was, “You’re gonna die.” That’s what I heard. I know she was saying other words, but all I heard was like, “You’ve met the shepherd “that is going to guide you into the great beyond, Kyle. And that shepherd’s name is gout.” And I was just–I was freaking out hard about it. And my doctor is my age. That’s another weird thing, that a doctor is my age. You know, it’s like, you’re 39. How can you be a doctor already? We’re so young. We got so much more to go, baby. How can you be– What are you, like, one of them smart kids or something? I’m 39. I still think I might be a prodigy at something. That’s the level I’m working at. I’m like, I don’t even want to play chess. I’ll probably just beat those robots right away. I’ll Bobby Fischer this whole place, is what I’ll do. I do, I think I’m a prodigy. You know what kind of asshole that makes me at a Guitar Center? Ugh. Just walking in, kicking the doors open. “All right, I’m probably gonna be awesome “at one of these things. “Let’s figure it out. “Is it keyboards? “Ba-dup bup-bup-bup. “Not feeling it, maybe it’s drums. Bah bah bah– nope, that’s not it.” Every employee in there is like, “Normally, we would call this kid’s mom to come pick him up, “but this guy has male-pattern baldness and came in here with a cane.” I didn’t realize that’s what you could do with 39 years. That’s what she did. Over 39 years, she gained enough of this specific type of knowledge, that now what she can do is fix the human machine. That’s what she can do with four decades, is, she can fix the human machine. And what I did with four decades is, I ate like a campground raccoon, so much so that I show up to her place of work so I could take off my skateboard shoe so she could look at my too-much-bacon toe. Different paths, man, different paths. None more righteous than the other. And I hadn’t been to a doctor in a long time. And so, since I was there, I tried to alley-oop it into a physical. Which is–like, you could schedule a physical, but when you’re just trying to ask, like, you’re just putting your shoe back on like, “Also, can we, like, look at other things? Check other stuff?” “Yeah, we’ll do, like, blood pressure.” “No, no, no, like… “all–all of it. “Like, at stuff, can we look at– “Can we look in stuff? “Can we look in–up stuff? “Can we spread some things apart to squint at other things? “What I’m saying is, “get extra batteries for that little flashlight, “’cause I need a full 15-point diagnostic inspection, is what I need.”

And to her credit, she– We did the full physical when I was there, and to her credit, she transitioned into the testicular exam portion of the physical smoother than any physician I have ever had. It was so smooth, like, I didn’t even realize it happened. ‘Cause, I mean, obviously, that’s an awkward thing. It should be awkward. Even though it’s a professional, it should be awkward. You’re exposing your genitals to a stranger in the daytime for money. You shouldn’t be at ease with that scenario, especially if one of you isn’t a doctor. That’s a crime. You know, you shouldn’t be– you should be a little bit like, “Ah, okay…” You know? And I can only imagine– I felt bad for her, being a female doctor, how many guys she had to deal with, just these undercover creeps that, like, function out in the world, but they’re like, “I’ll crack a joke to lighten the mood.” And she’s like, “I need to check your testicles.” “I thought you’d never ask, blaugh!” Get out of here, you sex criminals. Fucking sickos. And it goes the other way too. Doctors can be creeps too. I was in my 20s. Probably the last physical I had, I was in my 20s, and I had an old man doctor, the type of age doctors are supposed to be, just old, and just checking their own pulse to see if they’re gonna live through the appointment. You know, just old. And, like, I’m getting a physical, and he goes, “All right, I’m gonna check your wiener now.” No, you’re not, no, no, you’re not. Did you say wiener? Did you say wiener? You thousand-year-old pervert. You just said–you called a part of my anatomy a wiener? You don’t get this. You don’t deserve this, and you don’t get this, you pedophile. And I know you’re like, if you’re in your 20s, that’s not what pedophiles are looking for. Yeah, but I always shave my head, and when I have no beard, I look like Charlie Brown became a real boy and got into pills. So I’m still a sweet, sweet treat for those creeps. But she– She transitioned into it smoother than any doctor I could even hope for, because I was sitting there, and I’m freaking out about the gout thing. And I was like, “Maybe I just got gout last week,” which is, I didn’t know how you got it. It’s from years of abuse. I was like, well, I was back home, and I was eating all the junk food I would normally eat back home, but I was eating twice as much of it, ’cause maybe I knew there was gonna be a sea change happening to my body. So maybe that’s what I did, ’cause I was doubling down on all the crap that I like to eat. I was back here, and I was at my favorite hot dog place twice in one shift. Not even in a day, in a shift. That’s a four-hour timeframe, ’cause hot dog employees are part-time employees. They’re not there for eight hours. That’s four hours, I was back there. I should have just eaten the food in the revolving door in front of the place, just eating it with my chili dog hands on the glass, just eating cheese fries like, “Well, I’m pretty much gonna break even “burning calories if I just stay in here. “I think I might lose weight doing this. “Trish, hit me! Nice!” And then just stay, like some sort of slob aquarium twirling around in front of the place. But then, my doctor jumps in. She’s like, “Kyle, you don’t have to tell me about eating junk food when you go back home.” She’s like, “I’m from Philadelphia. I go nuts on cheesesteaks when I’m back there.” She’s like, “I’m a doctor. I should know better than that.” I interrupt her, I’m like, “Have you been to this cheesesteak place down on Sunset here?” ‘Cause my doctor’s in L.A. I’m like, “Have you been to this place? Is it authentic? “I want to know if it’s authentic, because I like it, but is it the real deal?” She’s like, “Kyle, it’s great. “I go in there, they import the bread. “That’s important. They get the imported bread. “That’s good. And they do the provolone. “I don’t mess around with that Whiz. “I get the provolone on there. Kyle, that’s an authentic place, if you want to know about it.” I’m telling her, I’m like, ’cause I’ve been to Philadelphia, and I went to those places you’re supposed to go to, that are across the street from one another, and they’re on all the TV shows, and they were terrible. I got to be honest, those places were trash. My doctor interrupts me, she’s like, “I hate it when people go to my hometown “and they think that those are cheesesteaks. “Those are garbage cheesesteaks, Kyle. “You want a halfway decent cheesesteak, “you wanna at least go to Jim’s on South Street for a halfway decent cheesesteak.” But then she goes, “But you want to know the thing here? “Kyle, the real sandwich of Philadelphia isn’t a cheesesteak.” At this point, I’m like, “Do tell.” Oh, we’re gonna do sandwich secrets? Okay, all right. You want to bump some appointments? ‘Cause if we’re gonna talk sandwiches, I’ll hang out. I’ll stay here for another two hours, knock out my deductible, if we’re gonna talk sandwiches. And then she told me, in just a very just knowledgeable, almost secretive way, she’s like, “Kyle, the real sandwich of Philadelphia, “what you want to do, “you want to find the Reading Terminal Market. “That’s what you want to find, Kyle. “It’s the Reading Terminal Market. “You’re gonna go downstairs. “It’s gonna be a very busy marketplace. “Don’t get distracted. “You’re gonna look for a place called DiNic’s. “That’s the place you want to find. “Now, when you get to DiNic’s, there’s other menu items. “Do not get distracted by the other menu items. “What you want to order, it’s a roasted pork sandwich “with broccoli rabe on top of it. “It’s a roasted pork sandwich. “Take off your pants. “I’m gonna check your testicles. Broccoli rabe…” I’ve never been hypnotized before. And, therefore, didn’t believe it was real. It’s real, because that’s what happened right there. Because I didn’t hear her, but I did exactly what she said. It’s like, “You get the broccoli rabe…” I was like, “I had that sandwich. “I had that sandwich. I went there. “I went there, and no offense, first off, “I went there and there was a line. “I had to wait in line for food. “This isn’t Russia. “My friend waited. “I paid, he waited, if I’m being completely honest with you. “He had the patience, I had the deep pockets. “What–yeah, okay. “And, yeah, so he would– “But I got to tell you, “we had it, and no offense, it was okay. “The pork was very good, but the broccoli was bitter, “and it distracted from the flavor of the pork. “That’s my honest opin– [coughing] “It distracted from the flavor of the pork. “And I don’t–yeah, no offense to you. “It was okay, it was okay, “but it wasn’t the best thing I had. “I did have one of those Jim’s. “That was a good sandwich over at Jim’s. “I did like that Jim’s. “That was a good sandwich at Jim’s. “What’s okay? “My testicles? “Wait, what–what? “Wait, whoa–that was the thing? “You just did it? “Ho-ho, shit, look at you. “Oh, you’re a professional. “Let me see if my wallet’s still in my pants. “That was smooth. “You are a profe– “I’m giving you five stars on, like, an Angie’s List, “or wherever I can. “I mean, I won’t be specific, “but I’ll be like, she’s professional. Oh, wow.” Just living with my disease now. Just living with it. It’s tough. There’s not a lot of awareness out there for it. There’s no ribbons. There’s certainly not a walk for it.

[laughter]

[applause]

It’d be condescending, you know? I feel very fortunate that I get to do this, ’cause it’s not a real thing. Like, real in, you know, the three-dimensional sense that we’re here. Mostly conscious. Can’t speak for some of you in the back.

man: Yeah.

[laughter]

Prove my point. But it’s not like– this isn’t a skill, you know? It’s a nice thing, but it’s not a skill. It’s not a skill in the sense that it’s necessary for the world. Like, if the shit goes down, my job disappears, you know? So it’s nice, but it’s not a necessity. You don’t hear the apocalypse purveyors and the doomsday preppers who are out in the forest trying to disguise an abandoned school bus on the side of a hill, you never hear them saying something like, “Trish, Trish! “Before you finish pickling those yams, “we must go into the city center and lure us back a clown.” “Because in addition to preserved foods and fresh water, “we must also be able to ensure that we can tee-hee while society crumbles around us.” That’s not what this is. All this is, is a personality trait I’m trying to capitalize on. That’s it. That’s it. You ever meet a comedian with an ego, kick him to the curb. You don’t get to have an ego. All this is, is just somebody was like, “Hey, man, you were pretty funny at that party last weekend.” I’m just like, “Yeah, you want to give me 20 bucks?” That’s it. That’s what I’m trying to say, is, thanks, chumps. Kidding, joke, it’s a joke.

Chicago, thank you so much for coming to my show. I really appreciate it. Thank you very much. Have a good night.

[cheers and applause]

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