KEVIN SMITH: SILENT BUT DEADLY (2018) – Full Transcript

Kevin Smith is anything but quiet in this new comedy special that was recorded an hour before his heart attack in February. Before he nearly died backstage, onstage he discusses his marriage, his kid and his work (or lack thereof)

Hey, man, I’m Kevin Smith. And moments after we shot the show you’re about to watch, I came into this room downstairs at the theater in Glendale, and had a massive heart attack. They talk about, like, “I killed onstage. I died onstage.” I thought I killed that night, and I came backstage and almost died. So enjoy the special, but know that the guy who is telling jokes for the next hour and stuff is about to face the infinite. And I’m alive to stand here and tell you that I didn’t die. Now, on with the show.

Ladies and gentlemen, Kevin Smith!
Hey! Thank you! Stop. Don’t. Stop, fucking don’t encourage me. Um… thank you all for being here tonight. I had stuff that I wanted to– prepared and what not. But before we go anywhere, I have to share some shit that just literally happened before I got here. If you don’t know me, you’re like, “Oh, he’s ready to do a show.” If you know me, you’re like, “Fuck, he’s more high than I’ve ever seen him in his life.” Right when I was getting ready to leave, my daughter comes in, and she just got her license. So she comes into the room and she’s just like, “Hey, man, can I use your car?” She says to my wife Jennifer, “Let me use your car to go to Target and get my nails done.” And Jennifer was like, “Absolutely not. Oh, my God, no. Like, you’ll crash for sure.” And I saw my moment to jump in and be the good parent and be like, “Let her do it.” You know? Like, she’s gotta try it by herself for the first time. This is the first time she’s gonna drive by herself in the car with a license and stuff. I was like, “Let her do it, man. What’s the worst that could happen?” And my wife was shooting fucking daggers at me. Just like, “You fucking piece of shit.” So… so I was like, “Yeah, man, let’s just let… She can do this. You can handle this, kid.” I said, “Just don’t speed or anything like that. Trust that she’s a good driver. You’ve been in the car with her. She’s not fucking terrible.” And so… Trust that she can do this and stuff. So, you know, I was like, “All right, man. Have fun.” And I stood at the front door and watched her pull away and stuff, which was nerve-racking because she had to do a K-turn and she backed out without even looking and another car was coming down the hill. And they had one of these moments. And you heard skidding and I didn’t know which one it was and shit. Finally, she corrects herself and then there’s a moment where the dude behind her clearly wants to go faster. And my kid, the novice driver, I’m watching this go, “Let him go first. Let him go first.” But she’s my kid, very competitive as well. And I saw my driving in her. All of a sudden, she guns it past this fucking dude down the street. And my wife is like, “Yeah, she’s ready to drive by herself.” So I was like this is fucking nerve-racking, man. And she was like, “You shouldn’t have let her do this.” I was like, “I need a joint.” And so I started smoking. And I was like, “What do we do? Do we chase her down?” She’s like, “No, that doesn’t show any trust whatsoever.” She’s going, “I have Find Friends on my phone. And so I can track her every movement.” And so I was like, “Are you fucking serious? Open that shit up, man! Let’s watch this car wreck in real time.” Like… So we were just sitting at the desk and I’m fucking smoking away, watching the screen on my wife’s phone, watching this dot, like I’m fucking Bill Paxton in Aliens and shit. You know. I’m like, “She’s all over us, man!” ‘Cause every time the dot stops on the map, we’re like, “What’s the fucking story here? Did she get in a fender bender? Is she buying cocaine? What is going on?” Then finally, it pulled into the fucking Target plaza. And I was like, “You gotta fucking text her.” And she’s like, “No, she’ll know we’ve been watching her. You gotta fucking play it cool.” And we’re both sweating fucking bullets, man. And I’ve smoked a joint all the way down to the fucking filter and shit. All of a sudden, the kid calls us on the phone. And she’s like, “I did it! I did it! I did it!” She’s like, “I did it. I didn’t get in an accident.” And we tried to play it cool. We’re like, “Well, big deal. We do that all the time.”

Um, it’s weird, man because the kid’s all grown up now. She, like, graduated last year from high school and shit. And that was like the moment my wife had been waiting for, for, like, four years. ‘Cause my wife used to travel with me wherever I went. If I went to make a movie, we’d go, leave the house, and go someplace for a couple months or something like that. We’d pull the kid out of school ’cause she was little. It’s like, what is she gonna fucking learn? ABC’s? Come with us. We’ll show you the real world. You know. You know, I was like, I started traveling by myself. I started doing more and more like standup gigs and live podcasts, and so I used to travel with Jen, and now I just wound up traveling by myself. Because she stayed home for the kid. Like, I was like, “Why aren’t you going anymore?” She’s like, “The kid’s in fucking high school.” Somebody has to stay home to let her in the fucking house, man.” So… I was like, fair enough. So I got used to going out on the road without her. And then the kid graduated and my wife was like going crazy. She was like, “Oh, my God. My fucking… I’m finally getting sprung from this goddamn gilded prison and shit.” I was like, “What are you talking about?” She’s like, “This kid is fucking done. I don’t have to be the bitch mother anymore. Like, I’m tired of playing this role. I don’t wanna wake her up and fucking make her do shit, do your homework. Now she’s fucking done. I’m gonna be done, and I’m getting my life back, motherfucker.” She goes, “Which means I’m taking over your life. What are you…”

She’s like, “You’re always fucking going somewhere. I’m going with you wherever you’re fucking going next. Man, you’re always going to some fucking rocking place. What rocking city are you traveling to next?” And I was like, “Spokane, Washington.” And she was just like, “You know what, man? I heard about that shit on Frasier. I’m fucking going with you.” So she came with me to Spokane, Washington. I had two gigs. I was doing a gig at 7:30 and then another gig at like 9:30 or something like that. So we got to the hotel, and I’m not a, like, hotel snob at all. All I care about when it comes to a hotel room, ’cause I see a lot of fucking hotel rooms now, is the balcony. ‘Cause that’s– As a stoner, that’s where I live is on the balcony. So the room could be like a fucking crack den with roaches everywhere and shit. I will tiptoe over human piles of shit, as long as the balcony is wide enough and secluded enough, I’m like, I don’t give a shit. I’ll sleep on the fucking balcony. So… We checked in the hotel, great fucking balcony. Like it was looking over a stream and fucking foliage and shit. It was really pretty. You can see the mountains. So I was like, “I love this fucking balcony.” And she’s like, “When are you coming back?” “I got two shows, so I’ll probably be back at like 11, 12.” She’s like, “I might be sleeping.” I was like, “I’m so glad we traveled together.” And so… and so I went off to do my show. I was so excited because I was like fucking weed legal Washington. I’m gonna get to fucking do a show there. They’re gonna let me fucking smoke weed onstage while I do my show. That is not the case at all, man. They got all sorts of fucking even more rigid laws and shit like that where you can’t do that. So much so that I was at the place between gigs, I told the management, I was like, “Hey, man. So I got like an hour to kill between gigs. I’m gonna go in the green room and make it green. You know what I’m saying?” And he’s like, “No, you’re not, you animal. You do that outside.” I was like, “Fucking liberal Washington.” You know… So I went outside to smoke, but there were people lined up for the next show. I didn’t wanna be like a Walmart greeter at my own show where, you know… I’m like, “Hi, how are you? Welcome. Yes, it is me.” You know. So I was like fuck it, I’ll go back to the hotel. Hotel’s close, it was like literally across the street and shit. So I was like I’ll go back there. And I went back to the hotel room, ’cause I was like I’ll smoke on the balcony. But when I walked in the room, like my wife had set up shop, like in a big, bad way. She had made the place her own. She had, uh, she was on the balcony, she had taken the mattress off the bed and moved it over a chair on the balcony to create this kind of chaise lounge affair. And she was laying on it like the Queen of Sheba, reading a thick-ass book. And she had this big-ass goblet of wine in her hand. And the bottle looked empty. I gauged her to be about four glasses into Spokane at this point. Because she was saying stupid shit like, “I could live here.” You know. I’ve been with the woman 20 years, I know she couldn’t fucking live there, man. So, you know, she said, “What are you doing here?” I was like, “I’m between gigs, man. They wouldn’t let me smoke at the club, so I came here to smoke on the balcony, man, and see you.” And she goes, “Well, Jesus, I’m reading my book, Kevin. I don’t wanna get into a big conversation about your night.” And I was like, “I don’t fucking need to talk to you.” I was like, “I was just with like 200 people who paid me money to hear me talk. So that’s fucking cool. Like, you don’t have… we don’t have to get in a conversation.” She goes, “I know you. After a show, you get home and you’re Mr. Storytime, and you gotta tell all your stories and shit.” I was like, “I have no fucking stories to tell, man.” I was like, “Tell you what, you sit there and fucking drink and read your book, and I’ll stand over here and fucking smoke my weed and we’ll be together alone.” You know. ‘Cause that’s what fucking marriage is. Go. You know.

So I just sat there smoking, and she was reading her book. And the problem is when I smoke, that’s when I get chatty. So… So I was standing there, I was like… I was like, “Did I fucking tell you… what happened to me the last time I was on a balcony smoking weed?” And she slams the book closed. She goes, “I knew it, storytime!” I was like, “No, this ain’t– I mean, yes, it’s a story. But it’s not long. It’s very short.” So I’m only reminded because I’m sitting here smoking on the balcony, it’s nice with a view and shit. We’re on the second floor. I said, But last weekend, I was in Arizona, I was in fucking Phoenix. And I was smoking on a balcony, but I was five floors up. And it was a city view, it wasn’t as pretty as this and stuff. And, like, unlike today, I got this great Washington weed, I was in Arizona, I was at the mercy of fucking local weed and stuff. So I was smoking on my balcony, like, “This is nothing. This shit ain’t gonna do anything.” Being a real weed snob about it. And then about halfway through the joint, I was telling my wife, I was like, I started hearing voices, and I was like, “Hey, this shit’s fucking good, man. Like…” I got too judgy about Arizona.
And then I looked over the balcony and I saw that five feet down, five floors down, rather, was people on the street talking. There was a gaggle of women, older ladies. And they were talking. And I could hear them. I couldn’t hear what they were enunciating, but I could hear them talking from where I was. And I started getting fucking freaking paranoid. ‘Cause I was like, if I can hear them, can they smell me right now? Like… So I’m looking over and I watch the ladies cross the street, there was a crosswalk, and they’re crossing the street. And at the other side of the crosswalk, there’s a callbox. And at the callbox, a guy in blue. A fucking cop is standing right there. And so my wife’s like, “Get out of here.” I was like, there’s a fucking cop across the street. I’m like, fuck the old ladies, I should be worried about the cop and shit. I said, but I still didn’t put my joint out, man. Like I just sat there, I backed up a foot. And I was like, I’m gonna keep my eye on this cop. So… so I said, so I’m standing there, man, watching, and the ladies cross the street and get to the other side, and I told my wife, I promise you, this is what fucking happened. The cop was facing the other way, I’m on the hotel balcony over across the street. The cops crossing, the ladies also, and he goes… And I was like there’s no fucking way that this guy fucking smells me. I still don’t put the joint out, though, man. I’m watching him, and this is what he fucking does. He goes like this. And he locks on across the street, like where I am in the hotel, and all of a sudden he goes like this. And he’s experienced, this cop, man. He’s like, “Somebody’s smoking on a balcony.” And he’s going balcony by balcony. And I’m fucking frozen. I don’t move. ‘Cause it’s like this reverse Space Invaders game, where he’s getting fucking closer. And I’m at the center of it and stuff. And he’s on the fourth floor, where I’m like, oh, fuck, I’m next! So then he gets up to me and he locks onto me. He goes like this and shit, and he goes, “That!” And I said, my first fucking instinct wasn’t to like drop the joint or fucking, like, run to the airport. I said, my first instinct was to go like this, I went… I said, so the fucking guy goes like this. And then he reaches back. And I’m like, I’m gonna get shot on this balcony. My fucking story ends with getting killed on a balcony in Arizona for smoking local low-grade weed, man. And… which did have a kick to it. So I was sitting there going, what the fuck’s gonna happen next? And he pulls out a phone. Then the dude kind of illuminated the whole fucking thing, all of a sudden he goes, “Silent Bob!” And I was like, “Oh, fuck! He’s a fan, man!” I was so fucking relieved. I was like, “Hi!” And he goes, pointing at his phone, he goes, “I want to take a picture with you!” I was like, “Oh, okay! I’m gonna come right down! Stay there, I’ll take a picture!” So I run inside, I change every fucking piece of clothing I have on. Everything. I take the hotel shampoo, I dab it on my ears and stuff. Just… Get the scent away. And I said, I told my wife, I went downstairs, I said, I met the dude. He was lovely. I said, it wasn’t– It was very kosher, we took pictures together and shit. Chitchatted about the movies and whatnot. I said it was a wonderful experience. I said the PS to the story is he wasn’t a cop. He just had a blue jacket on. And that was it.

Now… My wife, God love her, man. We’ve been together, last week, we met 20 years ago last week. We’ve been in each other’s lives for 20 years. -Thank you. Um… Met… met 20 years ago last week. Next month, it’ll be 20 years since the first time we fucked. And that’s the more important anniversary. But we’ve been together for like two decades, man. That’s, you know, it’s just to tell you that her reactions to my stories, it’s not like everybody here, where I’m like, you know, tell that story and everyone’s like, “Oh, very witty, wild.” You know… She’s like, she’s, you know, fucking seen it all, heard it all and shit like that. Like, my wife loves me, I know this. Don’t get me fucking wrong. She would kill anybody that fucking threatened me and cut the jugular and shit. But she is not what I would call by any stretch of the imagination a Kevin Smith fan. Jay and Silent Bob, not her fucking thing or anything like that. She’s like, “I’m glad you do those movies, they let you run around and you get exercise.” Like that’s… Case in point, man, we got this TV show called Comic Book Men, it’s in its seventh season – at this point. Thank you. Thank you. Um, I don’t tell you that to be like, “Seven seasons, look at my big, fat TV dick!” Like… Not at all. It has nothing to do with us. We follow one of the most watched programs on the planet, The Walking Dead. So if anything, it’s fucking Robert Kirkman’s big TV dick, and we just surf on it till midnight. So I only tell you seven seasons ’cause to communicate there’s like 80 some odd episodes of this show that you could watch. And I’m on every one of them. My wife has seen two of the episodes. She saw the pilot episode, we shot it, put it together. I showed it to her. I was like, what do you think? And her review was, “I can’t believe you tricked somebody into paying you to be on TV and talk to your fucking friends.” Which I felt was a very strong review. Um… Then, like, four seasons later, my daughter was on the show. Harley was on the show. So I told my wife, I was like, “You gotta watch an episode now. Something came out of your body’s on the fucking show. So…” So she watched the episode. I was like, “What’d you think?” She goes, “Harley was a vast improvement.” You know. She keeps it very real. The show is on a night that we watch two other programs. Like, in our bedroom. We watch The Walking Dead and then we watch Talking Dead. And at the end of the Talking Dead, there’s a fellow looks strangely like me who will pop up and be like, “Hey! Stick around for more hijinks on Comic Book Men.” And that’s when my wife grabs the remote and goes, “We’re going to bed.” And shuts that shit off.

Now I gotta tell you, this is gonna be weird, but I gotta tell you this story to tell you the rest of the story, and at first you’re gonna be all judgy and then I’m gonna tell you something and then you’ll be like, “Oh, that makes sense.” Um, I have a 103-inch television in my bedroom. Uh, that’s not the judgy part. Here it comes. It cost 60 thousand fucking bucks. Crazy, right? I didn’t fucking buy it. I would never pay 60– Now, you can’t be judgy. I would never… I didn’t buy it. It was given to me, man. I would never pay $60,000 for a TV. I wouldn’t pay $60,000 for anything, unless you could live in it, drive it, or it fucking blew you until the day you die. Like, that’s… I got a line and shit like that. No, it was given to us at one point. I had done commercials years ago for Panasonic. And there was a guy named Ed Janda who was, like, the exec at Panasonic who was on set all the time. He loved movies. Sweet fucking dude, man. I’ve known him for years and stuff. One day, he fucking called me. Been to my house many times. He called me out of the blue and he goes, “Hey, man. We’ve got this 103-inch fucking television that we’re gonna throw out, man. And I remember you’ve got big, wide walls and huge ceilings in your house.” And I was like, “What a weird fucking way to start a conversation. What do all these things have to do with each other, man? Is that all our friendship was to you? Square fucking footage?” Like… And he goes, “No, the reason I bring it together is this TV we’re gonna fucking throw out, it’s 103 inches, and, fuck, it won’t fit in many places. But it’ll definitely fit in your house. So if you want it, we’re just gonna give it to you for free. Do you want it?” I was like, “Fuck yeah! Give me all your garbage! Yes! Fuck yes!” I was like, “What’s wrong with it, man? Was it assembled on an ancient Indian burial ground? Is it cursed?” Like… And he goes, “No, they used it for the Olympics. It was for coverage for the Olympics. So it’s not meant for home use. It’s basically big graphics TV where they point to like, ‘This is what happened,’ and shit like that. Problem is it has no speakers. So you’d have to buy speakers.” I was like, “I’ll buy the fucking speakers, man! For a free 103 fuck the speakers. I’ll stand next to it and translate for whoever’s watching!” Like… I was like, “Fuck yes, man.” So he goes, “Okay, man. Make sure you’re gonna be home tomorrow. We can have it delivered.” He’s going, “You gotta clear your street.” And I said, “Why?” He goes, “It comes on an 18-wheeler.” I said, “Really?” And he goes, “Yeah. It takes ten people to deliver it.” And I said, “Why?” And he goes, “The base alone weighs 2,000 pounds.” Oh! -So I was like, “I don’t believe this.” And they showed up the next day with a giant fucking truck, pulled this thing out the back, it looked like the monolith from 2001: A Space Odyssey. Ten fucking people carrying it, man. They were like, “Where do you want it?” I was like, “Second floor, please.” I felt bad, but I tipped insanely well. So… Brought ’em up to my bedroom. They’re like, “Where’s it go?” I said, “Put it right at the foot of our bed, please.” And my wife is like, “Are you fucking high?” I was like, “Yes, but that has nothing to do with this. This just makes sense.” I was like, “This is where the TV was, look at this big, wide wall. We’ll put the fucking TV right there.” She goes, “Kevin, there’s no room between the bed and the television.” I was like, “Yes, there is. Look.” She’s going, “What the fuck? How are we gonna live like this? How are we gonna sleep?” I was like, “We fucking slept enough, man.” I was like, “Look at this thing. This is our god now.” Like… So if you’re in my bedroom and you’re sitting on the edge of my bed and you’re tying your shoes, you get up, you go, “One, two…” You’re on the fucking TV. So we have this massive TV in my bedroom, and I’ve never seen Comic Book Men on it.

So one night, I said that I wanted to watch it. Like, you know, tried to test the waters. And… and so I told my wife, I was like, “Hey, man, um, I wanna watch Comic Book Men on the big TV tonight for the first time. Like, that’s cool, right?” And she goes, “Oh, we don’t watch that show in here.” And I was like, “I know. I know. You know, which is weird ’cause it pays for everything. But whatever. Like… But tonight’s special. It’s the end of the fourth season. We just found out we’re getting picked up for a fifth season. So I wanna like live tweet the show from in here.” Normally, I do it in my office. I watch it on a laptop. I was like, “I’d love to watch it on the big TV. I wanna live tweet, send pictures.” And my wife’s like, “Why do you need pictures?” And I was like, “I don’t wanna tell you ’cause you’re gonna fucking make fun of me and shit.” And she was like, “You have to tell me ’cause I control the television.” So I said, “Okay.” I said, “I’ve never seen my show on the TV, but the TV’s fucking big. It’s taller than me when I stand next to it.” It’s 103 inches wide. But it’s fucking about six… six-three tall from the ground with the base. I was like, “So when you see people on it, they look life-sized. And I’ve always wanted to like watch Comic Book Men, and when I came on the screen, pause it… and then go stand next to myself.” She goes, “Why?” I’m like, “To take a selfie.” You know. And she looked at me with that fucking look of disdain like, “I can’t believe I let you stick your fucking dick in me.” She goes, “No, you watch that in the office.” I was like, “Come on, man. This is fucked up. Don’t you think it’s fucking crazy that we’re fucking this deep into a show that I’m on every episode of and you don’t watch it?” And she goes, “Why would I watch it?” And I was like, “I don’t know, man. Like, ’cause I’m on the show.” And she goes, “Well, it’s not like I’m in the Kevin Smith demographic, now am I?” And I said, “You fuck Kevin Smith! If you’re not in the demographic, it’s in you from time to time!” And she was like, “I could see this really fucking upsets you.” I was like, “I think it’s fucking weird, man. If you were on a TV show, I would have watched every fucking episode and shit. But you don’t watch the show that I’m on.” And she goes, “Jesus, Kevin, if I really wanna see you fucking cry about Batman and wear that jersey, I’ll look to my left.” So that’s a long way of fucking saying that like she’s over my bullshit. Like, you know. This is her idea of hell. Like being forced to sit there and listen to Kevin Smith. Like, she doesn’t understand you people.

So, uh… So, you know, when I was on the balcony in Spokane, telling her the story about the balcony in Phoenix, I didn’t expect her to have the reaction you guys had. But she fucking surprised me. As previously mentioned, she was about four glasses into Spokane. So she looks at me with bedroom eyes, and she goes, “You’re cute.” And this never fucking happens. And– but I knew what it was about. And I was like, “Really?” She goes, “Yeah. Whenever you tell a story, you wave your hands all around.” She’s like, “It’s cute.” So I fucking look at my time and shit, and I’ve got ten minutes until the next show. And then I look from the balcony to across the street, see what kind of geography I gotta face to get there, and then I start doing the sexual math in my head. And so I was like, “How cute?” And she goes, “Real cute. What do you want?” And I was like, “I don’t know, cute enough to get blown before the next show?” And she goes, “Oh, my God, Kevin, you could never cum that fast.” Which sounds like another fucking criticism, but it’s based on empirical wisdom. This is weird, I gotta tell you. This story– Tell you the rest of this story. And all the other stories are mine, but this is my wife’s story and it’s personal. But like nothing will make sense unless I tell you this.

Um, my wife is… I don’t know how else to describe it. She’s the most easily orgasmic human being I’ve ever met in my entire life. Uh, it does not take much. Some people are a lot of work, my wife is not a lot of work. I could be standing across the room, leaning on a wall, and she could be on the other side of the room, on the bed, laying down, wearing, you know, a pair of sweatpants. And all I have to do is go… And by the time the fucking butterfly effect hits her crotch she’s like, “Oh!” It’s crazy. It’s wonderful, man. It’s fantastic. Like, when we first met, that was one of the first things I learned about her and shit. I was like, “Oh, my God! She can cum so fucking easily! I’ll never work again! Like, this… this is nuts.” First time we were ever together, man, like she rolled me on my back at one point, like I was trying to make the moves and shit. And she threw me on my back and got on top. She’s like, “I like it being on top!” I was like, “That’s where you’ll stay for the rest of our lives.” That’s still how we fuck to this day and shit. And unlike anyone else I’ve ever had sex with, she was going buckwild and shit like that. I was like fucking impressed with myself. I was like, “Is this shit me?” She’s like, “Fuck no!” You know. It has nothing to do with me. It’s not like I’m walking around going, “I sling a magic dick.” Not at all. She’s just like– I’m like basically a scratching post and she’s a cat, and she just does shit. You know? And then fucks off and stuff like that. So because I learned early on in the relationship she could crank out a few, multiple orgasms, it had nothing to do with me, again. She just needs a warm body and friction, shit like that. So since she could crank out a few, I was like, “Oh, fuck. I’ll try to hold out for as long as I can.” ‘Cause I get one shot. I don’t get like fucking five nuts to bust and shit. I get one, I’m 47, like one a week. So, like, at the end of the day, man, I try to hold onto it because once it’s over, it’s over. I’m like Luke Skywalker bombing the Death Star. Like… You know. Shit blows up and I take the fuck off. You know? Every once in a while, she’s like, “You wanna fuck again?” Like, five minutes later. I’m like, “Yeah, man. Wednesday, let’s do it. I’ll have built it up again and stuff.” So I try to hold out for as long as I can because she seems to be enjoying herself. ‘Cause she can get a few fucking orgasms done. And when I say hold out as long as I can, mind you, this is literally about four to six minutes. She gets a lot done in that fucking time and whatnot. So, you know, I just hold out until she’s like, “Will you fucking cum already?” You know. And then I’m like, “It’s my special time.” So… So her experience is based on that. I never fucking told her that I could cum real fast. When I’m by myself, I cum like a fucking pro, man. Like, real fucking fast and shit. I’m real good at it. Had years of practice and whatnot. So… so she– when she said, “You could never cum that fast,” this is based on empirical knowledge. But I was like, “Oh, no.” I said, “I know what you’re thinking.” I said, “But I can cum very fast. When I’m by myself, I cum very fucking fast. Like, I swear, if you wanna give it a shot, I could totally pull this off in under five minutes.” And so she fucking takes her glass of wine and she fucking throws it back, she puts the glass down, and she stands and she looks at me and she goes, “Lay down on that bed and pull down your jorts.” Which really should have fucking turned me off, man. Like… but I was like, “Fuck it.” I ran over to the bed and fucking yanked my jorts down and just presented and shit. And there was nothing romantic about it or sexy. She didn’t put on any music or any shit like that. She just got to the fucking bed and like fucking got down and was just like… ‘Cause she’s been through it before. We’ve known each other 20 years we’ve been doing shit to each other and stuff. So she’s like, “I know what this is gonna be. Fucking it’s gonna take him forever.” But she hadn’t met her real husband. You know? And she was about to and shit like that. It was very– it was rote. It wasn’t romantic. It was clinical. It was perfunctory. It was almost like… like the owl in the Tootsie Roll Pop commercial. Like, “How many fucking licks is this gonna take, man?” I was like, “Fucking three, I assure you.” So she went for it, and fucking it was not what she was expecting. And this is the sound that my good lady wife of 19 years, the person I’ve been intimate with for 20 years made when she found out who I really was hitting the back of her throat at 95 miles per hour. This was the sound. It was like I’d fucked Scooby Doo in the mouth or something like that. So she fucking gets up, she runs into the bathroom and I hear her go like… Because she loves me, but not that fucking much. You know… Then she runs back in, she goes, “What the fuck was that?” I was like, “I told you, man. I can cum real fast when I’m by myself, when I’m really putting my mind to it and stuff like that.” She goes, “Jesus Christ, Kevin.” She’s all sad, she goes, “Jesus Christ, Kevin. If I’d have known that you could have cum that fast our entire fucking lives together, I would have blown you every day.” And I was like, “It’s never too late.” So… So we’ve been together like I said fucking 20 years, we’ve been married 19 years, we have a marital contract, of course, but at the end of the day, we just added to it fairly recently. Little paragraph, a subsection that says, um, if I can promise to cum in under five minutes, she’s morally obligated to try to blow me. And we call it the Spokane Amendment.

I don’t wanna paint a picture of her as like intolerant. She’s generally a patient woman. Just not with me. But she stood by me. My grandmother always used to say like when I had girlfriends in high school, she was like, “They stood by you when you were fat.” And my wife has stood by me when I’ve been fat. And then a few years ago, I dropped a bunch of weight, man. I saw a documentary called Fed Up. And it was about sugar. And for the first time, like, I guess because they used cartoons, I understood sugar’s eff– Sugar’s effect on the body. And I was like, “Oh, shit. So I should stop eating fucking sugar.” And I did, and I lost like 80 pounds and shit. — So it was a— Thank you. Um… It was— if you could get past the fucking desire for sugar, ’cause it’s very much like a drug, and when you quit it there’s fucking withdrawal period and shit, where I was insanely depressed. For the first time in my life, I was like I couldn’t manufacture a fucking positive thought and shit like that. My wife was like, “That’s because you got rid of your best friend, sugar.” I was like, “What do you mean?” She was like, “Kevin, you used to wake up and do like two fucking fistfuls of popcorn-flavored jelly beans. And then you’d be like, ‘Where’s breakfast?'” You know, so she’s going, “Sugar leaving your food pyramid is really affecting your body. You’re gonna have an adjustment. Like when Jason got off heroin or something like that.” And so she’s right, man. It was fucking hard for two weeks. Like, it was easy once you got past the two weeks and we didn’t think about it anymore. But in those first two weeks, I would have sucked dick for Lucky Charms, man. I missed my good friend, sugar.

So as sugar went away, the weight just kind of like fell off and stuff. I didn’t have to do anything. I walked dogs. I walked my dog up the hill. It’s not very far. It’s like a mile and a half up and down and shit. That’s the only exercise I get. I do it in the neighborhood adjacent. Mewes lives down the street from me. We didn’t buy houses near each other. But he bought his house in my fucking neighborhood and shit. Every time we drive past my kids, it’s like, “Aw, it’s so cute that you live near your best friend.” I was like, “He lives near me.” Anyway, Jason comes over sometimes. We walk the dogs together up the hill and stuff like that. And periodically, people drive through the hills, they’re like, “Jay and Silent Bob walk dogs.” So just dropping sugar and fucking walking the dogs like really made the difference and the weight kind of fell off.

And at one point, like my underwear started sagging, because I used to wear very big underwear. Like fucking 5XL underwear or something like that. So that shit started sagging because the weight kind of went away. And I— my wife finally took notice of it and was like, “This is fucking shameful.” She’s like, “They just keep falling off your body. And what we’re seeing isn’t any better.” You know, so… she’s like, “You gotta go fucking get some new underwear and stuff. And if you’re gonna do it, don’t buy fucking maroon underwear.” That’s what I would wear all the time. I had this maroon underwear, ’cause, you know, I usually just get my shit at fat guy store. And they don’t give you a lot of fucking choices. Now, they do. Now, they put on like, “Hey, there’s a Batman shirt for you, fat guy.” But generally speaking, back in the day, it was like “big dog” and shit like that. Very generic but very “I am overweight.” So I would get my underwear at the fat guy store and shit and they didn’t have much of a selection. It was always like tighty-whiteys, that’s what I wear and stuff. I don’t wear— the crimefighters, Jason calls them. Um, I don’t— I don’t wear boxers, just tighty-whiteys. And so one time I went in to the fucking fat guy store and they had, next to the tighty-whiteys, the mot beautiful thing I’d ever seen: underwear that was colored and it was maroon. And I was like, “Oh, my God! I’m gonna look like Superman wearing this shit.” You know? So I took it home and it was a three-pack and shit. And I showed my wife. I was like, “Look, man.” I was like, “You say I never change anything and shit. But I went and bought new underwear.” And she goes, “Maroon?” And I was like, “Yeah.” She goes, “Why?” And I was like, “I’m expressing my individuality.” You know? And she goes, “Oh, my God. Take these back.” And I was like, “Fucking why?” She was like, “Maroon underwear, Kevin? I get a vote in this. I’m the only one that sees your fucking underwear.” You know. I was like, “All right.” So I went back to the fat guy store. I bought 12 more pair. Fuck her. So… And every time we would get intimate and shit, she’s like open up my drawer and be like, “Ugh! Maroon!” You know? It was a hurdle to get through and shit. So she was saying, “If you’re gonna get new underwear, don’t fucking get maroon.” I was like, “Maroon forever,” and shit.

So I was out on the road. Where was I? I was in Kansas City. And so I had a little time down between gigs and whatnot. So I was like, I’m gonna go out shopping. And I asked them at the front desk, I was like, “Hey, man, where do you got– where do you got like the fat guy store?” They’re like, “Oh, you want to go to the low-end strip mall.” I was like, “Brother, I live at the low-end strip mall, man.” And I took a car there. I walked in and I was looking for my maroons. And I found them. And then I saw the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen in a fat guy store: a pair of black underwear. And I was like, “Oh! I’m gonna look like Batman!” You know, and I fucking… So I bought it and I took it back to the hotel room and stuff like that. I was happy with my fucking purchase. And so, you know, I thought of my wife and I was just like, “Oh, fuck. I’m gonna tell her.” And I said, “Hey, man. Guess what I did today?” You know, I was texting her. She’s like, “What?” I was like, “I went underwear shopping.” And she goes, “Oh, great. More maroon.” And I said, “No, not maroon.” And she goes, “What color?” And I wrote, “Black!” A lot of exclamation points and stuff. And she sent emojis of surprise and… And she goes, “Send me a picture.” And so I saw my opening. So I was like, “You send me a picture, man.” And she was like, “What of?” And I was like, “You know.” And she was like, “You fucking pig.” But we’ve been married for a while, so fucking three minutes later a picture came through and shit like that. And so it was a angle of my wife’s vagina, and this is weird to say because, again, we’ve been together 20 years and we’ve had fucking sex any way you can have sex. But it was an angle of her vagina that I’d never seen before. And I was like, “Oh, my God! It’s like a stranger’s pussy.” You know? And fucking… So instantly I forgot the conversation, took it right to the sink and started tugging one out, looking right at it and shit. So I got finished and then I wanted to get in the shower ’cause I was sticky. And so… Took my black underwear out of the pack. I laid them out on the fucking blanket, there’s like a white blanket on the bed. So it really popped hard and shit. And so I took a picture and I wrote back, “Yes, bitch.” I said, “Doesn’t this make you wet, motherfucker?” And I fucking hit send and shit like that, man. And I hadn’t fucking realized that my wife was not the last person that had sent me a text. While I was in the shower, somebody else had texted me and broken the conversation with me and my wife and fucking the very shocked recipient of my underwear text sent back a one-word response: “Dad?” So some shit goes well beyond a response text, you know. I immediately fucking called her up and I was like, “Oh, my God, kiddo. You know that fucking text was not meant for you. It was meant for your mother. And by the way, no man should ever talk to a lady like that.” I was fucking mortified, man. I was like, “Oh, my God. Are you okay?” And she goes, “You know I’m gonna need a lot of therapy, right?” I was like, “Yeah, but fucking go ahead, we got the money. Go ahead.” I said, “But you gotta admit, man, like, you know, it’s not the way you wanna find out, but isn’t it kinda nice to know that your parents, after all that time, are like into one another, to send each other texts like that?” I was looking for any silver lining and shit in the conversation. And she goes, “I was just happy to see you’ve moved away from maroon, Dad.” Uh, I just back from Vancouver. I was up in Vancouver. I directed my third episode of The Flash. It was fun. It was awesome, man. I go up there, like, you know, in TV they don’t really need a director in episodic TV. Cast and crew make that show every week. If you ever look at the credits of your favorite shows, the director’s the only name that really changes and stuff. That’s how fucking replaceable the director really is. So the cast and crew makes your favorite show every week. The director shows up and is nominally in charge. But you can’t really change shit about it, man. Like you can’t really walk in, I couldn’t walk into Flash and be like, “We’re changing the look of Flash this week. It’s all one shot, back and white. Clerks.” Like that’s… So it’s weird, when I show up I find myself at a loss. It’s not like when I direct a movie, I’m involved in every aspect. But on TV, I’m not really. I’m kind of a bystander who gets to say “action” and “cut.” But as a fan of the show, it’s fun ’cause you get to watch that shit get made. And I sit in on all the big meetings and stuff like that. And I watch very talented people who do this every fucking week sit around, talk to each other, how they’re gonna plan this shit. “How are we gonna make her fly? How are we gonna do this shit and whatnot?” And then periodically, they remember I’m there and they look over at me and they go, “What do you think, Kev?” I’m like, “I think that sounds awesome!” You know. And they’re like, “Okay, big guy.” You know. And they go back to making the fucking show and stuff like that. So it’s been nice, it’s been a nice thing to do, to go up there. As a fan of the show, I get to watch stuff get done. And so, it first started happening I think when I was doing Supergirl. Um, we were– we were doing some– setting up some fucking big sequence at this pool. Uh, the giant, like, a community pool. And it was a big wide shot and whatnot. We’re doing it like when the pool is closed so it’s like two in the morning. It’s real late. So, you know, people are run down, we’ve had our “lunch.” Which was at midnight or whatever. But people are getting tired because it’s late and it’s cold. So, you know, I was like, “Fuck man. I’m gonna get– I’m gonna go get some burgers for my crew.” For the people on camera and stuff like that. ‘Cause they’re the ones that gotta be up and sharp. So I was talking to the first AD, he was like new on the show, first time I’d ever met him and stuff. And I was like, “Hey, man. I was thinking about– how long do you think this is gonna take?” He’s like, “I think we’re gonna be ready to go in five minutes.” “Hey, I’m gonna go grab some fucking burgers, man. Can you watch this?” And he goes, “What do you mean, watch this?” I was like, “Well, if you guys are ready, just start shooting without me.” He goes, “What an interesting way to direct a show by not being there at all.” I was like, “I know, but you guys do this shit every week without me. Let’s be real. And it’s a big wide shot, performance– we’re just doing it for the wide. It’s the performance– I’ll be back for that and shit. You got this, right?” He’s like, “Sure, man. Go ahead.” And so I fucking got in the car and I left set and I drove down the road to– In Canada, they got an A&W place. They do A&W burgers and root beer and shit. And it’s– they’re amazing. It’s my favorite burger on the fucking planet. So they’re open 24 hours. And they’re like literally across the street from where we were shooting. So I rolled up on A&W at two in the morning. And I pull up to the box and shit. And they’re like, “A&W, can I help you?” It’s one guy. And I said, “Uh, hi. Let me get 20 Buddy Burgers, man.” And the guy goes, “Yeah, right.” I was like, “No, I’m serious. 20 Buddy Burgers.” And he goes, “Pull up to the window so I can confirm your method of payment.” I said, “Okay, fair enough.” And I went up to fucking next window and shit like that. And he opened his window, I rolled mine down, and he goes, “Oh, it’s you. Well, that makes sense.” I was like, “What the fuck’s that mean, man?” He’s like, “That’s a lot of burgers. And I heard you were in town.” I was like, “I– they’re not for me.” He was like, “I don’t need to ask any questions.” I was like, “I’m getting them for the people on Supergirl.” He’s like, “I’m sure you are.” I go, “20 burgers, man. How long is that supposed to take? ‘Cause I’m supposed to be back in five minutes.” He goes, “20 burgers usually take about 20 minutes. But like if you will take a selfie with me, I’ll do it in ten.” I was like, “If you’ll do it in ten, I’ll fucking blow you, man.” And he goes, “The selfie will be fine, Mr. Smith.” So I said, “Fantastic.” So I waited by the side, he cooked up fucking 20 burgers and shit. Came out with two big bags, gave them to me. He’s like, “Thanks.” We took a selfie and shit. Off I went, back to the place. I was like, “Yay, burgers!” And I started giving out burgers and shit. And soon the burgers were fucking gone. And I was like, “Oh, fuck. I didn’t get enough.” I said, “If I do this again, I gotta get more.” Some crew members were like, “Where’s the burgers?” I was like, “Oh, they ate them all.” They’re like, “Fucking A.” And walked away. So I was like, “Fuck man. Let me see if I can fucking get some burgers going and shit like that tomorrow.” So next day, we were shooting late again. Like it was one in the morning and stuff. And so, you know, I was bored again on set at a certain point, everybody’s working. I don’t really have anything to do. So I was like, maybe I’ll go get ’em some fucking burgers, man. I’ll roll up on the burger joint again. It’s right across the street. So I pull up and I hear, uh, “Welcome to A&W. Can I help you?” I said, “Hey. Let me get 40 Buddy Burgers.” And the guy, it’s not the guy from the other night. He goes, “What, are you high?” “No, no, no.” I was like, “I– no. I do want this.” And he goes, “Please drive up to the next window to confirm your method of payment.” You know. So I drive up to the window, he opens his up and mine, he goes, “Oh, I heard about you. I get it now.” I said, “What do you mean?” He’s going, “You were here last night.” I said, “That’s right. I ordered 20 burgers.” He’s like, “Yeah. The guy last night, he’s a big fan and stuff. He’s been showing everybody the picture.” I was like, “Right on.” I said, “Well, I’m back for more.” He goes, “What do you want?” I said, “Can I get 40 Buddy Burgers, man?” He goes, “Okay. Give me your credit card.” I showed him. He’s like, “All right.” I said, “How long is that gonna take?” He’s like, “40 burgers, 40 minutes.” I was like, “Oh, well, the guy yesterday, man, he said 20 burgers takes 20 minutes. But he did it in ten and shit.” And he goes, “That’s ’cause the other guy’s a big fan.” Understood, captain. You know… So I went and waited. 40 minutes later, man, they brought out my fucking Buddy Burgers. Big bags and shit like that. I said thank you. I went back to work and shit. I was like, “Hey! Fucking burgers for everybody!” Everyone’s like happy to get them. It’s crazy, man. It’s really sweet. Like, it’s… I don’t know why, they’re like, “Oh, my God. This is nice.” And I’m like, “It’s $1.99 burger.” I tell them all. I’m like, look, man, I’m gonna go home and they’re gonna give me so much fucking credit for directing this episode. We all know I didn’t do shit. The least thing I could do is buy you a fucking burger. And McCloud, the AD, is like, “Fucking A.” You know. So it was great. Like people, it really cheers people up and shit like that. It’s perfect walking around food. When you’re done, you just throw the paper out and shit like that. But I ran out of burgers, 40 wasn’t enough. There was still some people that didn’t get any. I was like, “Fuck! Next time I gotta go fucking higher and shit.” So we had one more night of night shoots and shit. So it’s about two in the morning and at one point, I rolled up to McCloud, the AD, and I was like, “Hey, McCloud.” He goes, “Go ahead. Just get me three burgers.” You know. I was like, “Will do, man.” So I got in the car, and I went back to fucking A&W and shit. And I pull up to the box and I was like, “Hi, man. I’m– let me get 70 Mama Burgers, please.” And the guy goes, “Right away, Mr. Smith.” I’d built something of a reputation of sorts and stuff. So, you know, I was like, “Oh, fuck. This is great.” I said, “You know what? I’m gonna go deeper tonight.” I said, “70 Mama Burgers. Let me get like 40 French fries as well.” And he goes, “Okay.” I said, “20 onion rings.” He goes, “Right on.” And I’m looking at the menu board, like I’ve been going to A&W three nights in a row. And since I stay away from sugar, I’ve been trying not to succumb to the temptation because like I love root beer. It’s one of my favorite things in the world. I love sugar. I love sugar on anything. You put it on dog shit, I’m like this is the best. But root beer is one of my favorites. And they market it so well. Like the orange and brown just like makes you salivate and shit, like a Pavlovian response. And all these days and nights I’ve been able to not fucking get a root beer. But I’m like, it’s fucking two in the morning, man. And like you’re buying everyone these burgers. And like it’s like your mom said: you’re a good boy. You know? Like… You fucking– you deserve a treat, man. Why don’t you get yourself a fucking root beer, champ. You know. And I was like, “Let me add to that, man. I wanna add one small diet root beer.” And he starts laughing, the guy in the ordering box. I said, “What’s the matter?” He goes, “Look at the screen.” And I looked at the screen, it said 70 Mama Burgers, 40 French fries, 20 onion rings, one small diet root beer.” He goes, “That looks like the worst diet ever attempted.” He goes, “I’m totally Instagramming that.” So I pull up to the fucking window and shit, give him my credit card, it’s my friend from the first night and shit, the guy I took pictures with. I was like, “Hey, man. It’s you.” He’s like, “Mr. Smith, I gotta tell you.” I said, “Look, first off, Mr. Smith is my father. Just call me Kevin.” He goes, “Kevin, I gotta tell you, I’ve been telling my manager that you’ve been coming every night and that you’ve been buying these burgers. And my manager asked me to ask you if you wanna give us one of your jerseys, we’ll hang it up here in the A&W.” And I was like, “Are you telling me you wanna raise my fucking jersey to the rafters of an A&W Root Beer?” I was like, “That’s the highest honor a non-Canadian can receive.” So, um, so I found my place, like that’s what I do. I bring shit. I bring food for people, I bring toys for the actors. That’s how I do the actors and shit like that. I learned that when I was on Supergirl at one point. I had like a break, lunch break, and rather than sit around and eat lunch, like I smoked lunch. And then we were near a Toys ‘R’ Us, so I went stoner shopping and stuff like that. And, you know, I had a basket so I kept throwing in shit. Everything under five bucks, little trinkets and shit like that. And so I bought like a book of stickers, puffy animal stickers. We went back to shoot a scene with Chyler, who plays Supergirl’s sister, Alex, and with Melissa, who plays Supergirl. And so we were about to rehearse, do a blocking rehearsal, and I had one of the puffy stickers, I had it on my finger and I walked up to the two ladies and I was like, “Ladies, you see this puffy dog sticker? Whoever wins this scene wins the sticker.” It was adorable. Chyler goes, “You’re going down, bitch.” You know, fucking… And they did, they fucking out-acted each other, like wizards fighting and shit like that. All for the puffy sticker. And at the end, I was like you both get a puffy sticker. And Chyler was like, “That wasn’t the rule.” You know. But how I direct is I bring food for everybody and give them toys and shit. I’m more of like a craft service person, you know. Or a candy man than anything else. Um, I love doing this sort of thing. And there’s always people that will come up to me after the show, say very nice things. Uh, very cool things about like, “Oh, my God. It’s so… you’re so talented.” That’s the one that really fucking bugs me and shit like that. Me– and not because I’m irritated by it. But when you say shit like “talent,” it makes people go like, “Oh, you’re special and this person’s not.” I don’t agree with that. I don’t really do anything that requires talent. I just kind of chase my dreams. Anything I wanna try, I give a shot to and stuff. Before I get out of the show, I always like to remind people, like, you can do that too. Like, at the end of the day, this doesn’t require fucking talent. Invariably, somebody will say to me, before the night is over, “Oh, my God. It’s so talented how you can stand up there and talk for so long.” And I’m like, “That doesn’t take talent to talk and tell stories about my life. That just takes a memory. Like that’s… that’s it. That doesn’t require talent.” My day job doesn’t even take talent. You think it takes talent to stand on a movie set and wear a backwards baseball cap and a trench coat and say nothing? That’s the exact opposite of fucking talent, man. I said I’ll take it one step further. It doesn’t take talent at all to work in the movie business. You think it takes fucking talent to stand on a movie set and be like, “I’m Batman.” Ben Affleck does it, so I know it don’t take fucking talent. Don’t let people use like a word like that to put shit between you and something you wanna try. This doesn’t take talent. It doesn’t take talent to talk about your fucking life. Over the course of your life, you’ve listened to people talk on the radio, or seen people talk on TV, and you’ve said to yourself or thought to yourself, “I’m smarter than these people. I’m funnier than this person.” You’re probably thinking that shit right now. And you’re probably right, man, but nobody’s gonna know unless you kinda go out there and express yourself in some way, shape or form. Share of yourself. Now, some people don’t want to ’cause they’re afraid that it might not work and shit like that. Like, “Oh, what if I fail?” But there is no such thing as fucking failure. Failure is just success training. I know that sounds like a cat poster, but it’s fucking true. Like, nobody ever fucking gets something right on the first try and shit. Don’t be afraid of failure. Don’t let that keep you from trying something that you might wanna try and stuff like that. Rather fail spectacularly than live your life wondering, like, “I wonder if that shit would have worked out.” That’s how I’ve just kind of conducted myself for the last like 20, 25 years. And it’s led on this weird fucking journey. So the cats who come out and support me and see the shows and stuff, I always wanna try to give something back at the end of the day. Like you’ve given me so much. You’ve given me a way to not have to fucking work for a living. So like, you know, I always wanna try to give back. I could give the money back, but fuck that. So like… the least I could give back is I know there are people in the audience that are like, “I kinda wanna do what you do.” And you absolutely fucking can. I’m gonna tell you something that maybe like you don’t hear that much anymore, ’cause you’re adults and shit, and it’s our job to say this to younger people and shit. But this is the truest sentiment a stranger’s gonna fucking tell you this week, so fucking get ready. You are smart and good. You’re all fucking talented. You all have something amazing to fucking say. -So… find a way… Find a way to fucking share that. I– I’ve, like, I’m 47 years old. And I’m still trying to figure out who the fuck I am. So before you leave this world, figure out who you are at your core, man. I have, as I mentioned at the beginning of the show, a kid, like so I guess at my core, ultimately, I’m a fucking dad. So I do dad-type things and I wanna share this fucking last thing with you. Uh, my kid and I text. This is a text exchange we had about her boyfriend, Cory. She’s got this boyfriend, Cory, man. He’s a great fucking kid. I know you’re supposed to be like, “Hey, man. He’s dating my daughter and that makes me mad.” Not at all. They’ve been dating for five years, they met like freshman year, and when they were dating for four days, man, I watched and met the dude and shit, and I told my daughter, “Marry this boy tomorrow.” You know. And my wife is like, “You fucking stoned? They’re 14.” I was like, “It worked for Coalminer’s Daughter. Let them get married!” So I him, I’m a Cory booster, man. I’m always like, “You’ll never find a guy like this. He literally gives a shit about everything you say. He’s always hanging on your every word. He’s like Lloyd Dobler in Say Anything and shit. Not every guy is like this. Most guys are like Uncle Jay. So like… I said stick with this fucking guy. So she did all through high school and stuff. And senior year, like I said, she just graduated, she got to go to two proms, her prom at her school and Cory went to a different school. So they went to her prom first, then they went to Cory’s prom. And I was out on the road doing a gig. And this is the fucking text I got from my kid on prom night. She goes, “Dad! SOS.” I’m freaked out ’cause I’m someplace else in the country. And I’m like, “Oh, my God! Are you okay?” And she goes, “No! Cory’s bowtie broke. Where do you keep your spare bowties?” I said, “Kiddo, I don’t have a bowtie, let alone spares.” And she wrote, she has the temerity to write, “Seriously?” And I’m like, “I wear the same fucking outfit every day.” I said, “You ever see me wear a bowtie with a hockey jersey?” And she goes, “What about when you got married?” And I said, “I was wearing a hoodie and a Jay and Silent Bob shirt.” And she goes, “Ew! You’re so fucking lucky Mom married you.” And I said… I said, “Why? Because I wasn’t wearing a bowtie?” And she goes, “No, because you wore a Jay and Silent Bob shirt to your own wedding.” And she wrote, “Duh! Look at me! I’m Silent Bob!” Ladies and gentlemen, you have a good time this evening? I cannot thank you enough for coming out, man! Thanks for listening to me bullshit! Make sure you go out and bullshit before you leave this world! I love you all, good night! This is the room where I almost died. Look at this. Could you imagine if this was your death room? The last thing you saw was this? I could not get comfortable to save my life. That’s ’cause I was dying. Kids, when you’re dying, very tough to get comfortable. Basically, three hours prior to this moment, I’d smoked a joint, so I was calm. I never got scared and stuff. They told me later on, the doctor was like, “You were so calm.” And I said, “I was blazed, man. I smoked.” He goes, “That saved your life.” I said, “Smoking weed saved my life? Can you– I’m gonna put that on a fucking shirt and on a bumper sticker and stuff like that.”


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Nikki Glaser: Someday You'll Die (2024)

Nikki Glaser: Someday You’ll Die (2024) | Transcript

Nikki Glaser explores a variety of personal topics, such as her choice not to have children, the stark realities of aging, her sexual fantasies, and her thoughts on mortality—all presented in her characteristically hilarious, unapologetic, and brutally honest style.

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