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Kevin James: Irregardless (2024) | Transcript

Kevin James' 2024 stand-up comedy special 'Irregardless' offers a humorous look at aging, technology, parenting, and marriage
Kevin James: Irregardless (2024)

Kevin James: Irregardless (2024)

In Kevin James: Irregardless, a 2024 stand-up comedy special, Kevin James delivers a performance that expertly blends humor with insightful observations on everyday life. He begins with a quirky musical number, showcasing his singing talent and setting a lighthearted tone. Throughout the special, James touches on a variety of relatable topics, often with a self-deprecating twist.

One central theme is the absurdity and humor found in aging and health. James jokes about his own physical decline and the overmedicalization of modern life, like being labeled “prediabetic” and the unnecessary fear this instills. He also satirizes societal overcaution with a story about a woman labeled “borderline anemic,” highlighting the tendency to exaggerate health concerns.

James humorously addresses technology and its intrusiveness, particularly through his mistrust of Siri and the difficulty of deleting apps. His take on modern parenting and child-rearing resonates with many, as he discusses removing video games from his children and the challenges of engaging them in physical activities. This segues into a broader critique of contemporary parenting styles, contrasting them with the stricter, belt-driven discipline of previous generations.

In a poignant turn, James reflects on his own limitations in knowledge and conversation, using the story of Buster Douglas to illustrate his narrow expertise. He humorously recounts an awkward social encounter where his lack of knowledge is exposed, leading to a comedic breakdown of his attempt to use complex vocabulary.

In his routine, James humorously focuses on the dynamics of his marriage, particularly highlighting the contrast between his wife’s incessant talking and his own introspective nature. He examines their differing communication styles with a blend of admiration and playful frustration.

The special concludes with a return to the musical theme, bookending the performance and leaving the audience with a feeling of entertainment mixed with thoughtful reflection on the absurdities of modern life.

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Kevin James: Irregardless (2024)
Transcript

♪ I’ve been having dreams About falling in love ♪

[audience cheering and whistling]

♪ It feels so real ♪

♪ But nobody is here when I wake up ♪

♪ Do you know my name ♪

♪ The devil’s in the detail ♪

♪ I’m a natural born killer ♪

[audience continues cheering]

♪ I’m a natural born ♪

♪ Take this hopeless broken soul ♪

♪ Of this remote control ♪

♪ Plot twist ♪

♪ A whole generation lost With no promise ♪

♪ Can you feel my love ♪

♪ Do you know my pain ♪

♪ It’s in my head every night on replay ♪

♪ A deadly game ♪

♪ For a natural born killer ♪

♪ I’m a natural born killer ♪

♪ Natural born killer ♪

♪ Okay, game face ♪

♪ Go time, don’t play ♪

That was for you. That was my gift for you. Yeah. Gonna be honest, gave you a little too much. [audience laughing] I never go that long. That was little longer than I expected. I got a little excited. We’re gonna bring it down. ‘Cause everything hurts. Everything hurts. Last week I woke up, I asked my wife, “Hey.” “Did I play rugby yesterday?” [audience laughing] She’s like, “No, you shook a can of paint for me.” [audience laughing] She was right. This is all I did. This was it. Because it was outside of my every day body movements, I don’t do this. I felt it the day after. I’m gonna feel this tomorrow ’cause I just did this for you guys right now. It wasn’t even a big can. I’m talking the little Häagen-Dazs size. [audience laughing] Body’s falling apart. Falling apart. It’s horrible. When to the doctor to get checked out. He said, “Everything’s really good. I do wanna let you know that you are prediabetic.” I was like, “Hmm, all right?” [scoffs] Who isn’t, right? I mean, come on. [audience laughing] Why would you even tell me that? Do I have diabetes? He goes, “No.” [audience laughing] But I could get diabetes? He goes, “Yes.” Okay. Do you have diabetes?

[audience laughing]

He goes, “No.” I go, “But could you get diabetes?” [audience laughing] He said, “I guess so.” I go, “Let me tell you something, you’re prediabetic.” [audience laughing and clapping] No charge. That’s on the house. Are you alive? Yeah. You’re also pre-dead. Sorry about that. We’re all gonna die. Pre… Prediabetes. If I have diabetes, tell me. I’ll change the way I eat. What’s with the “pre”? That’s how this world operates. “Pre.” Fear. You might. Almost, you don’t know. Scan. Check. Pre-scan. What? Huh? Yeah. Everything’s fear. Did you hear about Julie? No, what’s the matter with Julie? She’s borderline anemic. [audience laughing] Julie has anemia? No. She’s borderline. She’s close. [audience laughing] So Julie’s anemic? No, she’s not anemic at all. Here’s the line if you would have anemia, you would be on this side of the line. And if you don’t have anemia, you’re on this side with everybody else. Julie is on this side with everybody else. She’s just slightly ahead of us all, closer to the line where she would have it if she did. But she doesn’t. She’s closer. She’s like in the whoa, you better watch out soon area, like maybe.

[audience laughing]

So, what do you want me to do? There’s nothing you can do. She doesn’t have it. [audience laughing] Then why are you telling me? I just thought you might want a little more anxiety added onto your plate with everything else that’s going on the world. [audience laughing] You know, just think about Julie, right? Prayers for Julie, you know what I’m saying? I mean, how does she do it? How does she wake up every day? To face another sunrise, trudging through the day, knowing that she almost has something that she doesn’t even have. [audience laughing] She’s so close to almost having something that, even if she did, it would be that bad. ‘Cause… She could clear it up with some red meat and a little B12. [audience laughing] She, she almost has it, man. [audience clapping] She’s there. She’s in trenches with this. She has two kids. What does she tell them? How do they grow up knowing that they have a mother that’s gonna be fine? [audience laughing] Everything is fear. It’s pre-fear. Fear. You don’t know. Fear. We have nothing to be afraid of. We have nothing to be afraid of. We really don’t.

We… Yeah. Yes.

[audience whoops] Nothing. We live in the safest times in all of human history. We have nothing to fear. We are so blessed. We are… You know who had something to be afraid of? Men fighting in the Revolutionary War. How about them? Or the Civil War, right? That’s fear. Right? Brother against brother. Across an open field. Chance of survival is minimal. And you’re the guy carrying the flag. [audience laughing] That’s fear. They’re handing out muskets… [audience laughing] …and you get the flag. [audience laughing] Yeah, I’d like a musket, please. Uh, sorry, we’re all out. I can give you the flag. [audience laughing] What do I do with that? Well, you see those line of guys over there, with muskets, across that field? You stand in front of them. You get right in front of them. And you give it a little of this. You just got… [audience laughing] You want me to raise our symbol, show the enemy exactly where to aim? That’s what they did. They didn’t care. They had courage back then. Out in front. Do it. Let’s do it. Get it up there. Yes! Waving that flag. Be aggressive. B-E aggressive. B-E-A-G-R-G-I-G-F-E Aggressive! They didn’t care. [soft popping sounds] [audience laughing] [soft popping sounds] [soft popping sound] Aggressive. [soft popping sound] [soft popping sounds, grunting] I’d be waving that thing so low profile… [audience laughing] They’d be like, “Get that flag up! Let them know who we are!” [audience laughing] [audience cheering and clapping] I’d be like, “I don’t want the flag. Do you have a bayonet?” “No, I got a snare drum and drum sticks. You want that?” That’s even worse. [imitates drum roll] Fire that thing up! Let them know we’re coming!

[imitates drum roll]

[audience laughing] Play that thing! I’m playing it, I’m playing it. I’d take out the brushes if I could, right?

[imitates brushing a drum]

[audience laughing] We have nothing to be afraid of. We, we find things to be afraid of. We do. Food companies know we’re afraid. They know it. That’s why they’re trying to make all their food sound healthy. They market it that way. Have a box of Cheerios. My Cheerios says “may lower cholesterol” on the box. Cheerios may lower cholesterol. You know what I know about Cheerios when it says “may lower cholesterol” on the box? I know that Cheerios doesn’t lower cholesterol. [audience laughing] ‘Cause if it did, it would say “Cheerios lowers cholesterol”, but it says “may.” It says “may.” So they, either, honestly, they don’t know, or they had the laziest scientists in the history of the world working down at the Cheerio factory. Where they just come in every day, “Hey, Wendell, how’s it going? Just checking to see where we stand with the whole cholesterol thing.” Can we put that Cheerios lowers cholesterol on the box? Yeah, I wouldn’t. Yeah. I would just stick with “may.” [audience laughing] Just go with “may.” You haven’t figured it out? No, we’re trying to. We’re plugging away, but there’s a lot of stuff going on. I got a phone call earlier. I gotta take my daughter to soccer. There’s things getting involved here, you know. Just go with “may.” Put “may.” “May lower cholesterol.” They’re not gonna know. Put “may.” They’ll think it lowers. You don’t know. I don’t even know. So how are they gonna know? You don’t know that it couldn’t, right? Put that. Cheerios, you don’t know that it couldn’t lower cholesterol. [audience laughing] Put “definitely should lower cholesterol, Cheerios.”

[audience laughing]

I don’t trust anybody. I don’t trust the food companies. I don’t trust my phone. I don’t trust Siri. Do you trust Siri? Let me tell you, Siri is listening to you every second of the day. [audience laughing] I can’t stand that. You ever download an app? And it starts asking you questions, “Hey, do you mind if I share information with your other apps?” Yes, I mind. How do you even know him? What the hell is going on? [audience laughing] They’re all up to something, those apps. You know it. That’s their goal. They wanna stay on your phone as long as possible. That’s why it’s so hard to delete an app. You ever tried to delete an app? You gotta do that hard press on the phone, first of all. All the apps start shaking. [audience laughing and clapping] Oh, they know somebody’s going. They know this. [audience laughing] This is judgement day for one of them. Looking around, seeing what each other did. You know, thinking about who’s going. That’s why they make that little x so small. It’s small in the corner. ‘Cause you can’t get it with your fat thumb and you hit anywhere else on the screen and everything settles. And they’re like… [exhales] And then you gotta fire it up again and they’re like, “Oh, my gosh. This guy is relentless.” They’re thinking about what they did. Oh, he’s definitely getting rid of me. It’s not you, it’s me. I haven’t learned Spanish in 30 days. [audience laughing] This idiot couldn’t learn Spanish if he was raised in Guatemala for 30 years. [audience laughing] It’s why it’s so hard dragging an app. You ever tried to drag an app from another page? It’s like, nope. [audience laughing] Nope. I like page five. [audience laughing] I don’t trust doctors. Do you trust doctors?

I don’t trust doctors, no.

[audience] No! They’re killing people who don’t need to die. I read this one story. This one woman, she was comatose. She was in the hospital. And she came back to life and started breathing again moments after her family pulled the plug. Is that a good story? [audience laughing] Yeah, I mean, she’s living. That’s good. She’s back to life. That’d make for some pretty uncomfortable conversation in that hospital room. [audience laughing] Right after, when she came back. Like, she, whoa! This is amazing! I can’t believe you all were here waiting for me. My family. I love you so much. What have you guys been up to? [audience laughing] Uh, nothing, Mom, nothing. You weren’t, uh, looking so good, Mom. Frankie, unplug your iPhone, you’re at 85%, unplug it. [audience laughing] How’re you feeling, Mom? How you feeling? I feel wonderful. My side hurts a little bit. Yeah, that’s ’cause we’ve already donated all your organs. [audience laughing] They’re coming at three for your eyes. We should get a family photo before they pluck the eyes. Let’s get a family photo. Mom, get in here. Before we’re looking at two black, empty sockets. Let’s go. [audience laughing] Only God pulls the plug on me. I tell my family all the time. Absolutely, yes. I don’t care. He created me. He can take me out whenever He wants. Is it a matter of money? So what? Have a garage sale. [audience laughing] So the kids don’t go to college? Who cares? Let’s be honest, they weren’t going anyway. [audience laughing] Keep the big man breathing. Do whatever you gotta do. I tell them all the time. I don’t care. At some point, there’s gonna be that woman that walks in the room. There’s always… You know what? Kevin would not want to live this way. You falcon-punch that witch right in the throat.

[audience laughing]

You just grab her and… Stomp her, right there. [audience cheering and clapping] Double strike her. How about you don’t wanna live. Who’s that lady killing people? Just walking in, “He would not wanna go on. He would not wanna do it. There’s no quality of life.” Hi-ya! [audience laughing] I had a close call too, about five years ago. I was, uh, driving home from a show and I hit a deer on the highway. It was pretty scary. It was a horrible experience, wrecked my truck. I was on the side of the road, pretty shaken up. Filling out the police report. She was asking me questions and the officer was like, “What happened? The deer just, uh, jumped out in front of you?” I was like, “What?” [audience laughing] She was like, “Did it just jump out in front of you?” [audience laughing] I was like, “No, no, it waved me over.”

Um…

[audience laughing] I was barreling down the road about 90 miles and hour and I was like, is that a deer calling over with its hoof?

Sure enough, it was.

[audience laughing] I pulled over to the side. I was like, “What’s up?” He’s like, “You’re doing like 90.” And I’m like, “Okay, that’s my business. What do you care?” He’s like, “I know you got kids at home.” He knew my kids by name, which freaked me out. I’m like, I’m not gonna talk to this guy anymore. I don’t need this. I’m outta here. He’s like, “Hold up. Hold up. I’m sorry.” He said, “I’m sorry. Let’s started over. We’ll hug it out.” And I’m like, that’s pretty cool, a deer who’s about forgiveness. [audience laughing] I said okay, and go to hug him and he goes to hug me, and he goes, “What’s that?” and he points to my shirt. I go, “What’s what?” I look down, and he did that move in my face… [audience laughing] He goes, “I know where you live.” Then he ran into the woods. I got back in my truck and I started chasing him. But I couldn’t get through the thick trees, so I got out and camped out overnight.

[audience laughing]

And I waited. The next morning, I saw him. He was talking to a bunch of other deer. I army crawled over to him. And I put blueberries on my face all Rambo style. He didn’t even see me. I jumped on top of him. I sank my hooks in. I slit his throat and he bled out right there on the spot. Then I dragged him, like a mile. [audience laughing] Mile and a half, back to the highway and I threw him on the hood of my truck. [audience laughing] [audience cheering and clapping] And that’s when you showed up. [audience laughing] So, no, he did not just jump out in front of me. This was premeditated deer murder. [audience laughing] Can’t talk about my kids. I have four kids. Any parents? Lot of parents out there?

[audience cheering]

Yeah. Yeah. Trying to be a good dad, it’s, uh, it’s tough, man. It’s really hard. These, these times, it’s difficult, you know. I’m really having a tough time trying to motivate my kids. And, I don’t know, like, I don’t know, is it me or is it, like, all parents? I don’t know. Are your kids lethargic? [audience laughing] ‘Cause I got a slug farm at my house.

I really…

[audience laughing] My kids don’t even get dressed anymore. They just get up from bed with the blanket. They have a blanket on them. They light up their iPad, it illuminates their face, and they just shuffle, shuffle. Like some weird sand creature in a Star Wars movie. Past each other and past me. No one talks anymore. [audience laughing] My son’s the worst, always on the video games. I was like, “Hey, we can’t do this, man. Let’s get some activity, you know.” I went up to him and said, “Hey. Buddy. Listen, let’s, let’s grab a football and, uh, call all your friends. We’ll get on our bikes and we’ll ride over to the field. Grab some cones, we’ll set up outlines and touchdowns and all the stuff. We’ll, we’ll have a great, great game. Awesome game. Maybe two. We’ll wait there till the lights come on in the parking lot. We’ll play a night game as well. We’ll just have a blast. And he just looked over to me and said, “I’m good.” [audience laughing] That was it. My wife goes, “Just take the video games away from him.” That’s a great idea. And I did. We took our video games away from all our kids. All the video games were done. Take them away from your kids. Yes.

Yeah, we did it.

[audience cheering and clapping] You gotta do it. We have to do it. It helped. It was awesome right away. First of all, the girls, my daughters, their life got so much better immediately. They were seeing friends and reading. They didn’t even care. My son had a tough time. He did. Yeah, he was having… Especially, couple days in, he started getting all shifty-eyed and stuff, looking at me just… [audience laughing] Little shaky leg. He was like an addict. He was really just kinda like… [audience laughing] I could tell he was having a tough time. He was… [audience laughing] [clears throat] Yo. Dad, yo, can I talk to you? Can I talk to your for a second?

[audience laughing]

Yo. C-Come over here, Brody. Let me talk to you for a second. Get away from Mom for just a second. [audience laughing] You gotta give me something to take the edge off. Give me a little something, a little brain tickler. Give me a little brain tickler. You got some Mario? [audience laughing] I was like, “No. No games, that’s it.” Okay, God bless you, sir. You have a good day. [audience laughing] You have a great day. God bless you, sir. I love you. God bless you. God loves you. You have a good day. Next day he came by, same thing. He’s a little manipulative too. You gotta watch out for him. I don’t know what he was trying to do. He was like, “Hey, how about this, Dad?” [clears throat] What if I got, like, a… an Oculus? I didn’t know what an Oculus is. Do you know? I didn’t even know. I had no idea. It’s the virtual reality, if you don’t know. The goggles. You put these big goggles on your face. And you’re in virtual reality. I was like, “Is it games?” He goes, “Yeah.” I’m like, “No, you can’t have it. That’s it, no games.” He goes, “But you don’t understand. These are active games.” I go, “What do you mean?” He goes, “Oh, it’s unbelievable. They have a boxing game where you can fight like Rocky or like, you know, Apollo Creed or Mohammad Ali. It’s, like, 12 rounds. And you have, like, hand weights. You’re boxing the whole time. You’re sweating like crazy. It’s amazing.” He goes, “There’s a dance cardio game where you’re, like, going crazy. Your heart rate goes through the roof. They also have a warrior game. There’s a warrior game, Dad, you wouldn’t believe it. You’re going through this village just wielding a sword. It’s like a crazy shoulder delt workout the whole time. Everybody’s doing it. All my friends, everybody is just working out like crazy. And here’s the best part, even if it’s raining outside or snowing, doesn’t matter. ‘Cause you get your workout in. It’s awesome.” [audience softly laughing] I was like, “I don’t know. I don’t know.” I started thinking about it. I’d rather you be outside doing stuff, but maybe this is a step in the right direction. So I said, “All right, let’s get the Oculus.” And I got him the Oculus.

[audience whooping]

Yeah. Wanna tell you how it went down. [audience laughing] First day, he gets the Oculus. I wake up, I go downstairs into the kitchen. He’s already got it on. He’s just standing there in the kitchen. Big, fat goggles on his face, just… [audience laughing] Zero movement. Zero movement. Just standing there. I’m watching him. He doesn’t know I’m there. I walk in. I’m like, “What is this?” This is the Oculus? This is it? And he’s just there. I watch and I’m getting a little upset, but then he starts to move and I go, “Here we go.” He backs up a little bit. I’m like, “Whoa.” He doesn’t even know I’m there. He reaches under. He feels under the kitchen counter. And he gets a stool. [audience laughing] And he sits down. [audience laughing] Now I’m really getting upset. ‘Cause… he doesn’t look like he’s fighting Apollo Creed. [audience laughing] I wanna give him the benefit of the doubt. I don’t know this virtual reality. I don’t know how far it goes back. Maybe his trainer’s stuck in traffic or something. [audience laughing] But he’s just sitting there now. Just sitting there, for another two minutes. I’m getting upset. I’m about to take them off and he steps up. I go, “Oh, here we go.” He takes one step and levels up. He’s just standing there. I’m like, “Oh. Here we go.” He goes like this. I’m like, “All right.” Then he goes like this. Then he goes like this. I go, “Here we go.” Then he goes like this. Then he goes like this. I’m like, “Yes, he’s warming up. Look at this.” Then he goes like this. Then he goes like this. Then he goes like this. [audience laughing] And then he goes back to his perch. He just goes back.

[audience laughing]

I’m furious. I’m furious. But then he goes like this. He leans like this and then he goes like this. Then he goes like this. He starts going like this. [audience laughing] I’ve no idea what… No idea. Just this. I’ve had enough. I rip the goggles off his head. He’s like, “Oh, no!” Which I’m told you’re not supposed to do. It’s like waking a sleepwalker, you’re not supposed to do that. I put them on. I wanted to see what he was doing. You know what? He was playing a game. You know what game it was? Job Simulator. [audience laughing] He was working part time at a convenience store. [audience cheering and clapping] He was waiting for customers to come in his store. He was just sitting there. [audience laughing] He wasn’t active at all. He wasn’t sweeping up in between customers. Stacking cases of beer in the back. He was sitting there. He was sitting there and then, finally, a customer came in and he stepped up, leveled up, got him a pack of cigarettes or something. Rang him up, I saw the cash register was right there. Gave him the change. Nodded. He’s a polite kid. At least he’s got that going for him. Then he goes back to his chair. And I’m like, “What was this? What was this and all that?” You know what it was? He was scratching off his own lotto tickets. [audience laughing] He’s not even a good fake employee. [audience laughing] I just said, “You’re punished. That’s what it is. That’s what’s up.” I don’t know how to punish our kids anymore. I don’t even know what we can do, what we can’t do. I don’t even know what… I know our parents, our dads, they knew how to punish. Back in the day, they knew how to punish. They did. They had it exactly correct. Every… The punishment always fit the crime perfectly. Because they got the belt, that’s why.

[audience laughing]

Yes. You only had to get the belt once. You got the belt once, you never did whatever you were doing ever again. Then your dad just had to show you the belt. And that was enough. You remember that? Hey, what did you say? [audience laughing] Yeah, okay, I’m good.

Yeah.

[audience clapping] Yes. Belt worked. Remember how out of nowhere that first time you got the belt was? You were popping off at your mom, You go like, “Hey. Mom, I’m not having your meatloaf tonight. It’s horrible. I’m not having it. It’s very dry. Who puts peas in meatloaf? I can’t do it. I can’t. It’s way too dry. Look up the recipe, Betty Crocker. Check it out, woman. Why is Dad getting undressed? What’s going on? What are you doing? [audience laughing] “No, add ketchup to it, I don’t care. Some sauce, get it going. It’s just horrible. It’s very dry. What’s up, Dad? Are you a lion tamer? What is this? What’s this snap, snap? Snap, snap. I don’t know… Oh, my God! Oh, God!” [audience laughing] And it worked. The belt’s worked since 25 BC. It’s worked throughout history. All the way up until, like, 1993 when some frail d-bag introduced the first time out. [audience cheering and clapping] And that’s when we lost society, right there. When everything burns and civilization comes to an end, we can trace it all the way back to that one guy. That’s the guy. Time out. It changed the game. Time out? How can you do that? Can you imagine trying to convince your dad to give you a time out back in the day? Hey, Dad, listen up. Very sorry about stealing your car last night, taking it for a joy ride. Doing donuts in that parking lot and wiping out that whole store front, but how’s about this? [audience laughing] Instead of you whipping this ass with that leather strap and that massive belt buckle you got in New Orleans… [audience laughing] I’m thinking I’m gonna wander off over into the corner for a little bit.

[audience laughing]

Maybe think about where I went wrong, maybe not. I don’t even know. I don’t know what I’m gonna do. I might sing a song, I might hum one. It doesn’t matter. Important thing is, it’s my time, it’s my time over in that corner. And when I feel good enough, and I feel like I’m ready to inject myself back into society, I will come back here and I will tell you and we’ll see how that goes. How do you feel about that, cowboy? How’s that? [audience cheering and clapping] Why are you getting undressed again? What’s going on? [audience laughing] Time out. They don’t even do time outs anymore. Now time outs are too cruel. They’ve become too cruel. Time outs. Oh, the ch… No, you can’t. What? You can’t do a time out. It’s too cruel for the child. They’re alone. They’re isolated. They’re in the corner of the room. By themselves. There are other people. They’re just… No, they’re way… It’s in a corner. They’re looking at two walls meeting. It’s, it’s too much for the child to deal with. You can’t isolate them like that. Any… You can’t. You just can’t isolate them. They don’t even do that anymore. They don’t do time outs anymore ’cause it’s too much. They do what’s called a time in. It’s called a time in. I’m serious. What they do is the dad will take the child, you sit in the middle of the room, they put the child next to them, they stroke their shoulder and… You both kinda go over what went wrong and kinda where… the child went off the tracks. And… Once you start making them feel good about being bad… [audience laughing] Probably after, like, seven or eight minutes, you just let them go. Then you stay there for, like, an additional four minutes.

[audience laughing]

Just to think about what a loser of a parent you’ve become. [audience cheering and clapping] We’re raising baby veal. That’s what we’re doing. We are. We are. We are. We’re so easy on our kids. And so what? It doesn’t help them. I love my kids. We all love our kids. We know that. But you know what? They all can’t be the best. They can’t. Not right away, anyway. This is what we tell them, constantly. You’re the best. You are the best. You are so good. You are the best. You’re the best. Isn’t he the best? Yeah. He’s the best. You’re the best. He’s the best. You’re so good. You’re the best. [loud sigh] No, you suck. [audience laughing] You’re not… What are you the best at? We wanna get you to be the best, but you can’t do anything right now. What can you do? Can you match your socks? Can you do a back flip? Can you black tar a driveway? Can you roll a cigar? Can you drive a forklift? Can you put your toothbrush back in the cup when you’re done using it? [audience laughing and clapping] Nothing. Without me, you can do nothing. If I dropped you off in the woods you wouldn’t last ten minutes before you were eaten by coyotes. [audience laughing] Kids suck.

They suck.

[audience laughing] They’re not good. They’re not good. That should, that’s the definition of a kid. “You suck.” That’s what they should be called. How many you-sucks do you have? I’ve got one and two on the way. [audience laughing] Twin you-sucks? That’s amazing. Congratulations. Thank you. [audience laughing] Your kids suck. My kids suck. I’m sorry to break it to you. There’s one kid I saw on the internet. One kid. This four-year-old Korean boy. He was playing Mozart on an accordion. He had something special, nobody else. [audience laughing] But 100% he got the belt. Oh, he definitely got the belt. Oh, he was Mozarting his ass off. He was like… [audience laughing] That’s how you get good. [audience laughing] My son wanted to play Little League. So I called the coach. I said, “Listen, my boy wants to play. Is it okay if he joins the team?” He’s like, “Yeah, we didn’t even start practicing yet. We practice Thursday night.” I said, “That’s wonderful. It’s awesome. And, uh, I’ll bring him down.” He says, “Yeah, I just wanna let you know that we don’t keep score in this league.” [audience laughing softly] I say, “Why? Why not?” He’s like, “We don’t wanna upset… the parents and disappoint any of the kids, so we don’t keep score.” I was like, “Why even have them bat?” Why not just have them walk up to the plate, “Hi, how’re you doing?” [audience laughing] Could you put me down for a double? [audience laughing] Yeah, my mother says I preregistered for a double. I got a double. Thank you. I got a double, Mother! [audience laughing] A double. I got a double. Every kid gets a trophy. You know how I found out? There was a $40 charge on my bill.

I was like…

[audience laughing] What’s this right here? He like, “That’s for trophies.” We didn’t even have a practice yet. He’s like, “Congratulations, you guys won. You guys are champions.” [audience laughing] I’m like, “Who?” He’s like, “Everyone.” Everyone? Me? He goes, “Yeah. Did you drive him here?” I go, “Yes.” He goes, “Congratulations, you’re a winner.” [audience laughing] I played Little League in the 1970s. Played for five years. Got a trophy once. One year. That’s it. One trophy. You know why? ‘Cause we won. That’s it. [audience cheering and clapping] You know how I know? ‘Cause we kept score. [audience laughing] You know why we did that? ‘Cause that’s how baseball’s played. The team with the larger number, the more runs, they’re the winners. And the losers are the team with the less numbers. They’re the losers and they go home as a team and they try to come back and do better. And sometimes that drive actually helps them. That’s actually the better choice, to lose and try to come back, because it’s human nature.

Human nature.

[audience cheering] It’s good for them. One trophy. That’s all I had. I would go in my room and see that one trophy. I’d be like, “Oh, yeah. That’s the year we won.” That’s it. The one time. That was worth it. It was great. I went to my neighbor’s house. His living room is littered with trophies. I know his kids. I’m like, “This is criminal.” [audience laughing] I’m like, “What’s this one for?” Oh, that’s when Warren was gonna try out for photography club. [audience laughing] But he got a cold and missed the season. It says “MVP.” Yes, we’re very proud of him. [audience laughing softly] They’re so fortunate, kids today. They have the greatest fields, I see them, I see them here. The pristine sod and the outfield walls. With the sponsors and the, and the lights for night games. Kidding me? I played in the 70s and they had none of that. You pull up to, like, a parking lot with cement and clumps of grass and broken Schmidt’s bottles everywhere. Just… Is this field two? Yeah, this is field two. This is us. Your coach would pull up in a 1971 Impala, pop the trunk to hand out uniforms. [imitates trunk squeaking open] Had everything in that trunk. Clearly thrown out of his house ten minutes ago by his wife.

[audience laughing]

Smoking right in front of us. [audience laughing] Gather round, guys, gather round, team. Get around me. Make a circle. Listen to me, if it’s a hit to right field… shortstop got it covered. Second base… don’t overthrow the cutoff man, okay. You’re overthrowing the… Like a nicotine oscillating fan right in our faces. [audience laughing] No parents running over, “Hey, Phil, maybe you shouldn’t smoke in front of the kids.” You kidding me? They’re setting up snack tables, playing dominoes, drinking vodka, about 30 yards that way. [audience cheering and clapping] They’re just so happy the weird guy in the polyester pants and bushy mustache is looking after them for a while. Right in my face. Benson and Hedges. It stung right in the retinas. Stinging me like crazy. Smoke billowing down my body. But you know what? No allergies today.

[audience cheering and clapping]

Nada. I eat whatever I want. I can see a raccoon walking around midday. Just rip it’s face off, clumps of hair missing, doesn’t matter. I can just eat that thing whole and be fine an hour later. [audience laughing] You know why? ‘Cause I drank water out of a hose that was rolled up in my backyard. [audience cheering and clapping] That sat outside in the grass in the hot sun for months at a time, melting that plastic. It boiled up so much it would burn your face. It wouldn’t even come out in a steady stream. You’d be p-p-p-p-p… [audience laughing] Firing rusty spickets through that thing like BBs into the back of your throat until it wasn’t enough and you just ripped the hose off the faucet and wrapped your lips around that. [audience laughing] Just suck all the asbestos and lead right out of the house. Just… [audience laughing] Go right to the source and I was fine. Why was I fine? ‘Cause all day long at school I’m chewing on pencils. [audience laughing] I’m sniffing magic markers like they’re going out of style. Thirty seconds a nostril. Have some fun. Get used to it. Eating paste ’cause it looked like mayonnaise.

[audience laughing]

Or Play-Doh. How good did Play-Doh smell? Smelled amazing. You try it, like, whoa, different story. [audience laughing] Next day, you try it again. Different color. You’re like, “Maybe this is fruit flavored. Try.” [audience laughing softly] We had allergies and things back in the day. We just didn’t label everything. I’m sure I had anxiety. I know I did. I was a pitcher. I was eight years old. I remember this. I had a really strong arm. I was on the mound. I was firing the ball, aiming it, and I was missing the plate. I started walking batters and it was getting to me. I loaded up the bases and I was breathing heavy. I felt it. I felt this heaviness. And it was bothering me. I started trying harder and I was walking more batters. I started walking runs in. I’m looking at my friends in the field and they were looking at me and I felt terrible. I remember this. ‘Cause I remember my dad, who was also a coach, he walked out to the mound and he gave me the greatest advice I’ve ever received in my entire life. He literally walked up to the mound, he put both hands on my shoulder, looked me dead in the eyes and says, “Hey. Stop aiming the ball. You know what to do.” He said two words. “Just throw.” That’s all he said. “Just throw.” He turned around and he walked back to the dugout. And I remember it’s the greatest advice I’ve ever received in my entire life. Think about it. Anytime life has got you down, there are obstacles you gotta overcome. Just throw. That’s all you gotta do. Just throw. Yes.

Believe in yourself.

[audience cheering and clapping] Trust yourself. And just throw. And that’s what I did. I launched back into my windup and I just threw. And I shattered the kid’s cheekbone. I remember… [audience laughing and clapping] Ball bounced like 30 yards, two more runs scored. So my Dad was wrong there. You gotta aim the ball. [audience laughing] In baseball. That’s the… That’s like where… That’s the worst advice ever. To just, just throw it in baseball. Then you’re just running around, just throwing at everything.

You can’t. You gotta…

[audience laughing] Doesn’t work in baseball. But anywhere else in life, it’s great advice. Great advise. Just throw. Just do it. He was smart. My dad was a smart man. Never went to college. Didn’t have to. Didn’t know all subjects, but he knew subjects in depth. He had depth to the subject. That was it. He knew it. He knew it well. I don’t have that. I don’t know, my Dad was handing me the, uh, knowledge baton. He was literally like, “Here it is. From generation to generation. This is all the wisdom and intelligence of our family. And I’m giving it to you, my son.” And I was like… I’m good. [audience laughing] I don’t feel like reading that thing right now. I paid for it. ‘Cause he could answer any question I ever had. And I know nothing now. As an adult, I’m faking it. That’s why I hate having conversations. ‘Cause I don’t know enough. I know things, but I don’t have any in-depth knowledge. I can’t go deep. Still water does not go deep. That’s why, anybody talks to me, it’s literally like they say something and I have zero point of view. I can’t add anything to it.

I’m just like, oh, oh, yeah, yeah.

[audience laughing] One subject, one subject I know a lot about. Buster Douglas. Remember him? Remember the heavy-weight champ who upset Mike Tyson back in 1990? At the Tokyo Dome. Forty-two to one odds. Mike Tyson was 37-and-0 at the time. 55,000 people there. I know all this. You know why I know it? Because ESPN had a 30 for 30 on it and I recorded it and watched it, like, 12 times. So I have all this information about Buster Douglas. Here’s the thing. Hardly ever comes up in conversation. [audience laughing] That’s how dumb I was. I put all my eggs in the Buster Douglas basket. [audience laughing] And my wife, this was the worst. We got invited to this local municipal government fundraising dinner. It was, like, every word I hated in there. Except dinner. I was fine with that. [audience laughing] Hope you said no. She was like, “I accepted.” Why would you do that? I don’t wanna talk to anybody. I can’t. I don’t know anything about government. They’re gonna make me look like an idiot. I don’t wanna do it. She’s like, “Relax.” She’s good at talking. She’s like, “I’ll go with you. I’ll be there the whole time. I promise you, we’ll mingle around, we’ll have some hors d’oeuvres, we’ll have a little dinner, and then we’ll leave. And I’ll stay with you the whole time.” You promise? She’s like, “Yes.” As soon as we get there she goes, “I’ll be right back. I have to go the bathroom.”

And she takes off.

[audience laughing] Some guy walks over to me. He says, “Hey.” I’m like, “Oh, gosh, here we go. Hey!” How about this whole Figueroa thing as councilman? Tell you one thing, he ain’t gonna last, huh? [audience laughing] Let’s break it down, shall we? First, don’t know who Figueroa is. Don’t know… You know what a councilman is? Do have any idea? He could’ve said carrot-maker. It wouldn’t have made a difference. I’ve no idea what a councilman is. [audience laughing] How do I answer? I wanna look like I know, so I go, “Really?” Like I’m concerned for Figueroa. He goes, “Yeah, really.” I go, “Why?” He goes, “I’ll give you one reason why. Treason.” I was like, “Treason? You gotta be kidding me.” In my head, I’m going, you don’t even know what treason means. [audience laughing] You don’t know the definition of treason. I don’t know… Did you ever break away from a conversation mentally to try to figure out a word that somebody just launched at you? You’re in your head, going, break it down. Treason. What does it mean? Treason. Well, tree is in the front, reason is in the back. Trees… are reasonable. Maybe he’s talking about the environment. Get in there and talk about the environment. So I go back to talk to him and he’s just staring at me. So I don’t know how long I was out for, you know. I don’t know if he asked me a question or not. He’s just staring at me. I’m starting to sweat, ’cause I don’t know what to say. I’m feeling uncomfortable. And he doesn’t say… So I go to my fallback, which is this. It’s great. I just go, “Yeah, it’s all crazy anyway. What are you gonna do, right? He’s supposed to say, “Yeah, it’s nuts. Anyway, you have a good night.” You too. But he doesn’t. He goes, “What’s crazy?” I go, “I don’t know. No one’s ever answered my question with a question before.” [audience laughing] Just the whole thing. He’s like, “What whole thing?” How it all went down. He’s like, “What went down?” Motherf… Just leave me alone!

[audience laughing]

He was trying to expose my stupidity. He wouldn’t stop. He was not letting me go. He was chasing me, like I was an opossum running behind a dumpster and he had a flashlight in my face. What did you say? No, you’re dumb. What did you say? You’re very dumb. You don’t know who Figueroa is. Who is Figueroa? No, you don’t. Who is Figueroa? Who is Figueroa? Who is he? You don’t… Name the three branches of government. [audience laughing] I’ll spot you Legislative. [audience cheering and clapping] I should just be honest with people. I should just walk up, “Hi, my name’s Kevin. I got about a fourth grade vocabulary.” [audience laughing] I’m gonna get lost pretty quickly into the conversation, but I’ll stay here and I’ll nod my head and I’ll smile, make you feel better about yourself, but don’t be fooled, I am dead behind the eyes. [audience laughing and clapping] I don’t do that. I try to match. I try to match. I throw in big words I don’t even know. What do you think the problem with society is? I go, “I gotta be honest. I harken…” Har… Harken.

[audience laughing]

I’ve never said “harken” before in my life. Harken? What am I? Winston Churchill? Where… It behooves me to think that… my monocle and my, mm, pocket watch, ha-ha, burlap brown pants, working on the cobble stone in London, fatty, fatty, fatty pants. Fatty pants. Walking in London rain. Who am I? Mm, pipe. Who am I? Harken. Or I answer too quickly. What do you think the problem with the culture is? I’m like, “I know what it is.” I know what it is? [audience laughing] I go, “I think it’s a lack of conscious.” Conte-ness. Consci-ness. He’s like, “What?” You ever not even be sure of the tense of a word? C… It’s a lack of con… conscience-ness. [audience laughing] I’m sorry, what did you say? C-Con… It’s a lack of consciention… [audience laughing] It’s a lack of con… uncon… I think unconscien… unconscientuously. I think uncon… con… Conscience… Conchi… It’s a lack of conch… Of we’re not uncontentience. [audience laughing] You’re gonna have a society… S-so… So-socotal… Socielitally… You’re gonna get a tyranny. A tyr… A tyran… An tyrannical-saurus rex is gonna come back. [audience laughing] And the dinosaurs are here. That’s what I’m saying. I’m sorry, I’m not following you. I went… [scoffs] Irregardless of that, I gotta tell you…

I said it.

[audience laughing and clapping] Oh, he stopped me, “That’s not even a word.” I beg to differ. He’s like, “I’m sorry, you’re not making any sense.” [audience laughing softly] You know what else didn’t make sense? When Buster Douglas upset Mike Tyson back in 1990. [audience cheering and clapping] At the Tokyo Dome. 55,000 people. Forty-two to one odds. You have a good night, sir. Have a good night, sir. [audience clapping] That’s when my wife walked out of the bathroom. What did I miss? Anything good? Ha-ha. Okay. All right. My wife’s awesome. I love her so much. She… We’re an amazing fit because she loves to talk. She’s like the balance to me. She’s so good at it. She can talk to people. She knows what questions to ask. She just loves it. I remember, that night we got in the car to drive home. She just started talking again. I was like, “Hey. You know, we don’t need it now. We…”

[audience laughing]

We don’t need to talk ever again. [audience laughing] We don’t. That’s a good thing. We’ve been together, like, 20 years. I’ve already said every word I’m ever gonna say to her in every combination. That’s it. And she said every word to me. She knows everything about me. I know everything about her. We don’t need to talk anymore. We can finish out the rest of our life with gestures. That’s it. [audience laughing] Not her. She loves to talk. She loves it. She’s just one of those people. She just loves it. Loves the sound of her internal voice. She’s like, “Uh…” Loves the vibration of her lips on her teeth or something. The whole nine yards. Whatever’s involved with talking, she… [makes noises] Ever hear a baby whenever they find their voice? They’re ma-ma-ma-ma. Brr… Brr… Brr… La-la. Brr… She just goes. I don’t think she’s ever had an unexpressed thought in her life.

[audience laughing]

No. Everything she sees, it goes right in, and she has to say it. She just, “Oh, my gosh, this door’s so squeaky. That picture’s crooked, I can’t believe that. We’re gonna make eggplant for Thursday. We’ll have some friends over. Would that be good? Look at my reflection in the mirror. I see two of me. Do you see two of me? It’s really weird. I can’t believe the kids are standing on hardwood floor now, look at that. The lights are good. The holidays are coming. This is fun.” Hey, sit one out. Sit one out. [audience laughing] I have thoughts in my head all day long. Weird ones. How many tater tots can I fit in my mouth without dropping any? [audience laughing] It’s in there, but I keep it in the barn. I keep it in there. Not my wife. She doesn’t have any barn doors. It’s just free-range thoughts. I see it. I say it. I see it in the senses and I say it. Look at those exit signs. The light. The floor. Everything is… I see it. I say it. I see it. I say it. It’s like a verbal wood chipper.

[imitates chipper whirring]

[audience laughing] I see it. I say it. I gotta say it when I see it. I see it. I say it. I gotta say it. [imitates chipper whirring] [audience laughing] Hey. There’s an ebb and flow to conversations. There is. Fifty percent is listening. It’s like double Dutch. You gotta wait for your turn. [audience laughing] Not her. She’s in there the whole time. Like… I got this. This is my talk. This is my talk. Back it off. Can someone else talk? Get outta here, [unclear], this is me. Big Mac, Fillet-o-Fish, Quarter Pounder, French Fries, I see Coke, milkshake, sundaes, and apple pie. [audience cheering and clapping] You wanna talk? Talk. Go in your closet, take your clothes off, and talk all night long. But why do I have to be there? [audience laughing] It’s this emotional backboard. She doesn’t care what I think or say. She wants me there. Why? Talk. Go. I always gotta be there, though. I’m literally brushing my teeth. Getting ready for bed. And I hear it. [audience laughing] Telling me things. That I experienced with her. I was with her all day. [audience laughing] Can’t believe Alan stood up in front of everybody revealing facts about his son. I didn’t like that at all. I couldn’t believe it. Could you believe it? In my head, I’m going, “Yes, I can. You know why? ‘Cause I was there.” [audience laughing] This was your point of view. [audience laughing] This was mine. I was there. I experienced everything with you! Na-na-na-na-na… Talking herself to sleep. Literally talking herself through sleep. You know how much you wanna go to sleep and you’re tired? And she’s still fighting it. [mumbling] [exhale, mumbling] [mumbling] Finally. It goes quiet. Sweet quiet. You go to bed. Next morning I wake up. [audience laughing softly] I’m brushing my teeth. And it starts up again in the other room. [audience laughing] I’m like, “What new knowledge did you pick up…”

[audience laughing]

“…overnight?” What did you get? What could you have picked up? Nothing new happened. [audience laughing softly] But she wants me there. She wants me in that conversation. Again, doesn’t care about what I have to say. Does… doesn’t matter. She wants me there. And she tries to get me snagged into these conversations. She’ll like lob out half sentences to me. That’s what she’ll do. She’ll lob them out like she fly fishing to try to catch me. [loud sigh] I sure hope Ellen’s gonna be okay. [audience laughing] I usually let the first one just pass by. [audience laughing] ‘Cause if enough time passes, I can just kinda… [mumbles] [audience laughing] But there’s always a follow-up. Sure hope they can work through this. Okay, we gotta engage. [audience laughing] I’m thinking, “What’s our plan?” Our plan is, we wanna get outta here as quickly as possible. We have so much stuff to do. But we can’t try to shorten the conversation. We know that, ’cause she’ll sense that. She’s good at that. And then she’ll tack on 45 minutes just out of spite, so… [audience laughing softly] What if I steer into it? What if I go in the other way? It’s dangerous, but it’s… Risky move, but it could pay off. Let’s just go into it and I did it. Hey, honey. Yeah. Let’s do it. Let’s do what? Let’s just talk about Helen all morning long. [audience laughing] Let’s just do it. We’ll grab a couple of beanbag chairs. Put on a pot of coffee. We’ll sit down. You tell me everything about Helen from conception to this morning. [audience laughing] Let’s do it. Let’s just get knee-deep in Helen. What do you say? Okay, first of all, it’s Ellen. It’s not Helen. There’s no H, okay?

[audience laughing]

She’s my friend from Pilates who you don’t know. She’s going through some stuff right now. But let’s do it. Let’s just do it anyway. I don’t care. I wanna learn about her. And I wanna be here to learn about her, with you. What do you say? [loud exhale] [audience laughing] No. I promised her I wouldn’t say anything to anybody. [audience laughing] Okay. I really wanted to be here for you. I love you. I just wanted to let you know that. I’ll see you later, okay. [audience cheering and clapping] There’s always a follow-up. All right, I’ll tell you. But you gotta promise me you’re not gonna tell anybody else. Promise you? I can’t do that. What if I’m playing softball with the guys? And we’re warming up and I’m throwing with my buddy and he’s like, “Hey, anything going on with your wife’s friends at Pilates

that I should know about?”

[audience laughing] I can’t believe you brought that up. Yes. Guys, bring it in. Everybody, bring it in, both teams. Come out of the dugout. Everybody, take a knee. I wanna tell you about my wife’s friend Ellen or Helen,

who I don’t know, from Pilates.

[audience laughing] She’s going through some stuff right now. No, hands down, I’ll answer questions afterwards. [audience laughing] You gotta promise me you’re not gonna tell anybody. How about I promise you I’m not listening to a word you’re saying as you’re saying it? How about none of your words are actually reaching my ears? Nothing. Nothing. They’re exploding in the atmosphere before they reach me like a fourth of July party, like… [soft popping sounds] I can’t believe… [popping sounds] I can’t believe she named… [popping sounds] And I told her her coworkers… [popping sounds] I’m getting none of this. [popping sounds] I’m getting none of it. [popping sounds] I didn’t even know you were taking Pilates.

[popping sounds]

[audience laughing] Just gotta beat her at her own game. That’s all you gotta do. Fourteen. What? Fourteen. What? That’s how many tater tots I think I can fit my mouth without dropping any.

You guys are the greatest! God bless you all!

♪ I’m a natural born killer ♪

[audience cheering and clapping]

♪ I’m a natural born ♪

♪ Take this ♪

♪ Hopeless ♪

♪ Broken soul of this ♪

♪ Remote control ♪

♪ Plot twist ♪

♪ A whole generation lost With no promise ♪

♪ Can you feel my love ♪

♪ Do you know my pain ♪

♪ It’s in my head every night I replay ♪

♪ A deadly game ♪

♪ For a natural born killer ♪

♪ I’m a natural born killer ♪

♪ Natural born killer ♪

♪ Okay ♪

♪ It’s game face ♪

♪ Go time ♪

♪ Don’t play ♪

♪ Never stand ♪

♪ In place ♪

♪ Just move, so don’t wait ♪

♪ ‘Cause all day ♪

♪ They’ll say ♪

♪ Nice work ♪

♪ But no pay ♪

♪ Good game ♪

♪ Pump fame ♪

♪ Reach out ♪

♪ Touch faith ♪

♪ Can you feel my heart ♪

♪ Do you know my name ♪

♪ Can you feel my love ♪

♪ Do you know my pain ♪

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Ramy Youssef Monologue SNL March 2024

Ramy Youssef Monologue – SNL | Transcript

Host Ramy Youssef performs stand-up about the holy month of Ramadan, getting a call from the Biden campaign and ends with a prayer for the end of suffering in Gaza and for the liberation of all hostages.

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