Kevin Hart: Let Me Explain (2013) – Transcript

Filmed at a sold-out performance at Madison Square Garden, comedian Kevin Hart delivers material from his 2012 "Let Me Explain" concert tour.

The show starts with Kevin at a party with friends and fans. Some of the fans start getting on his nerves by saying things that they say Kevin said-he denies it and accusing him of doing things that he says he didn’t. One fan even accuses Kevin of being a LAB, which stands for ‘Local-Ass-Bitch’ and it refers to where he performs his stand up. Kevin gets so angry that he tells his agent, who luckily is also at the party, that he needs to book Madison Square Garden right now, so he can explain his side of things.
Clips are shown of Kevin performing in other countries such as Sweden, The Netherlands, Canada and England, all to sold out crowds. The rest of the movie, he is shown at Madison Square Garden, New York, performing to a sold out crowd

[At a club] Harry Ratchford: This is Harry GoodSpeed and the Plastic Cup Boyz, here at the Kevin Hart mix and mingle after-party, baby. It’s going down. Let’s go, baby! Hey, yo, that little jackass right there dancing!
Kevin Hart: Hey, come on, get this! Craziness, as usual. Crazy. Yo, I’m about to make a toast. You trying to roll?
Harry Ratchford: No, no. I got some girls in the stairway waiting for me.
Kevin Hart: All right, well… Ew! Nasty ass. Brian, come on. And stop leaving me, jackass! Spank, I’m about to make a toast, yo.
Kevin Hart [to the Crowd]: Hey! Hey, yo! Yo! Everybody, real quick. Let me get your attention. Welcome to my mix and mingle event, everybody. Yeah, that’s right, boy! We’re toasting to a great year, man. It’s been a great year for me. We’re gonna have a blast tonight. Drinks are free, it’s all on me.
Crowd: What up, Big K!
Kevin Hart: It’s a celebration! Have fun, everybody!
Party guy: Kevi-Kev! Baby boy!
Kevin Hart: What’s up, baby?
Party guy: How you feeling, baby? Good to see you. Hey, thank you for inviting a dapper brother like me.
Kevin Hart: No problem, man.
Party guy: They say you ain’t been talking to your dad. Is that shit true?
Kevin Hart: No. Let me explain something to you. Listen, that’s not…
Party guy: Get your shit together.
Kevin Hart: No. No, dude. Hey, hey. I can explain what…
Girl[s]: Hey, boo!
Kevin Hart: Wow! How you doing?
Girl[s]: Is it true you don’t fuck with dark-skinned bitches no more?
Kevin Hart: Huh? [tries to cover camera] You ain’t even dark-skinned! Let me explain something to you.
Girl[s]: No, no, no, no
Kevin Hart: I said… Wait, now.
Girl[s]: I don’t wanna hear it. Neither do my girls.
Kevin Hart: Do your girls? Listen, let me talk to you.
Harry Ratchford: [Pulling Kevin away]What are you doing, man?
Kevin Hart: You got some goddamn nerve!
Harry Ratchford: Get your ass over here, man.
Kevin Hart: That girl be yelling at me. I can fucking yell back.
Harry Ratchford: N i g g a, you asked for that! That’s the price of fame.
Kevin Hart: That’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Harry Ratchford: I can’t deal with you, man. I need somebody to talk some sense into your dumb ass.
Kevin Hart: Harry
Harry Ratchford: Yo, Spank! Kevin
Hart: That’s stupid for you to get Spank.
Harry Ratchford: Yo! Listen, jackass over here mad, ’cause he can’t compare to Eddie Murphy.
Kevin Hart: What was that?
Spank: What?
Kevin Hart: First, quiet. First of all, I never said anything like that.
Spank: Dude! That’s the price of fame
Kevin Hart: What the fuck are you… I never said… Let me explain something to you, Spank. What I just said…
Spank: Ain’t nobody trying to hear that shit. Hey, yo, yo. Yo. Hey, Na’im! Fucking Kev over here getting upset because Soul Plane bombed.
Na’im: It bombed. It flopped
Spank: That was yesterday!
Na’im: That’s the price of fame. You asked for this.
Fan: Kev, Kev. Kevin motherfucking Hart
Kevin Hart: Who the fuck is this?
Fan: No. Hold on, man. Listen, I’m a fan.
Kevin Hart: Oh, thank you
Fan: But only in America.
Kevin Hart: What?
Fan: You ain’t shit until you perform in Paris.
Kevin Hart: Okay
Fan: Old LAB-ass n i g g a. Local-ass bitch. [subtitle: LAB / adj /: local-ass-bitch]
Crowd: Come on, y’all.
Kevin Hart: Hey, Terry! Hey! Get him out of here!
Fan: Hey! Hey! [On the roof, Kevin is alone]
Kevin Hart: I can’t believe this shit, man. Whoo! You got to be kidding me. I can’t even enjoy myself at my own mix and mingle party. I put this party together! Why can’t I enjoy myself? ‘Cause I’m dealing with a bunch of people who wanna tell me about my life. Why you gonna talk to yourself? You know what? Be a man and confront somebody. Want me to explain myself? [pause in thought] That’s exactly what I’mma do. [walking back into the club] Nate! Nate! Where’s Nate at? Y’all seen Nate? Nate! Come here. I know what I wanna do. I want you to call the Garden, tell them I’m coming down there to get some shit off my chest right now.
Nate: Kevin, all this food, and you want Olive Garden, man? For real?
Kevin Hart: Nate, ain’t nobody talking about no goddamn Olive Garden. I’m talking about Madison Square Garden, Nate. Tell them I’m coming down there right now to explain some shit.
Nate: We can’t just call the Garden.
Kevin Hart: God damn it, Nate! What are you doing? Okay, look, we don’t go back and forth. That’s not why I pay you. Okay, I pay you to do what I ask you to do. Right now, what I’m asking you to do needs to get done. So do it!
Nate: Kev, you know how many people Madison’s gonna hold?
Kevin Hart: God, Nate, if I… Why am I going back and forth with you? Huh? Is that your job? You don’t go back and forth with me. Nate, I’ll punch you. I’ll double-punch your face, and I’ll break both of your eyes.
Nate: You seriously the boss, Kev, all right.
Kevin Hart: You’re goddamn right I’m the boss. And let me tell you something about the boss. Sometimes, when the boss gets hungry, he turns into an elephant. Which means he needs some nuts. And right now, I’m about to get some nuts.
Nate: Exactly what does that mean, though, Kev?
Kevin Hart: Shut this party down. Right now.
Nate: Shut the party down. Madison Square Garden. This n i g g a crazy.
Kevin Hart: I’m about to go to Madison Square Garden and explain. Nate’s setting it up right now. Don’t try to talk me out of it! I’m doing it right now! Don’t try to stop me!
Guy at the Party: Oh, shit!
Kevin Hart: Don’t try to stop me!
Plastic Cup Boyz: Hey, Kev, hold on!
Kevin Hart: Well then, try and stop me! I’m going!
Plastic Cup Boyz: Hey, Kev, what you doing, man?
D.J.: What the fuck you doing, man? Don’t be touching my shit!
Nate: Shut your ass up, man. Everybody, listen up! This party’s officially over. Kevin’s about to go to Madison Square Garden ’cause he wants to explain. Good night.
Crowd: Shall we go? Where? He’s going to explain! Go! Go, go, go, go!
Plastic Cup Boyz: Kev! Wait!
Crowd: Oh, shit. Move, bitch!
Kevin Hart: Okay. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.
Party Guy: Oh, hell no! Why this motherfucker didn’t take the elevator?
Kevin Hart: God damn it. I should have took the elevator.
Plastic Cup Boyz: Kev! What you doing?
Kevin Hart: Get your goddamn hands off me.
Plastic Cup Boyz: But the Garden? You gonna do the Garden?
Kevin Hart: You’re damned right I’mma do the Garden!
Plastic Cup Boyz: Man, he crazy.
Kevin Hart: Why shouldn’t I?
Plastic Cup Boyz: It’s gonna be 30,000 people at the Garden, my n i g g a.
Kevin Hart: There’s 30,000 goddamn people at the Garden? Well, didn’t nobody tell me that. I’m out, I’m out. Right now. I’m going. I’m about to leave. To the Garden. Phew! [clearing his throat] Relax. Breathe, Kevin, you are fine. You’re ready for this. Okay? It’s time! It’s time that you explained this shit. [In a mind cloud]
Girl[s]: Is it true you don’t fuck with dark-skinned bitches no more?
Kevin Hart: Why would I not like dark-skinned girls? I don’t even know where that came from. I’m friends with so many dark-skinned girls. So many. My daughter’s dark-skinned! I love my daughter. So I guess I don’t love my daughter? Boy, I will tell you. [In a mind cloud]
Girl[s]: I heard his little ass don’t even talk to his ex-wife no more.
Kevin Hart: Okay, me and my ex-wife are friends! What are you talking about? “The divorce, did Kevin change?” “Oh, he Hollywood now. Kevin Hollywood now, ’cause he got a divorce.” Please. We’re friends. We’re applicable. We’re applicable. I hope I said that word right, ’cause I don’t even know. [subtitle: He meant Amicable. We were scared to correct him.] But we are. That’s the best thing about being a comedian, I can address it. I can talk about it my damn self [In a mind cloud showing a picture of his DUI arrest]
Hollywood reporter voice: Hey, look! It’s that hysterical comedian, Kevin Hart.
Kevin Hart: Yeah, well… There ain’t no way to explain that. That’s just… It’s a bad day. [In a mind cloud]
Fan: Old LAB-ass n i g g a.
Kevin Hart: Okay, okay, now that’s enough…
Fan: Local-ass bitch.
Kevin Hart: I’m not gonna tolerate that. Not after what I’ve been through this year. You’re not gonna call me no LAB, no “local-ass bitch.” You know why? I traveled the world doing comedy, people. I did! You know what, I don’t like the fact that I’m telling you this. I would much rather show you. Look for yourself, people.
[Montage of his world tour]
Kevin Hart: This is my second time coming back here, and you guys have shown me nothing but love.
Fan[s]: Amazing. Absolutely amazing. Awesome. Kevin Hart is the funniest man alive.
Kevin Hart: You ain’t got no daddy Thank you for the love. Thank you for the support.
Fan[s]: We totally love him. Keep coming! It was amazing. I love Kevin. Kevin
Hart: I fucking love you, Toronto! Thank you!
Fan[s]: The show was awesome! It was great. We love you, Kevin Hart! I feel such genuine…
Kevin Hart: You have no idea how much I love and appreciate y’all for the fucking support that you guys have given me. [On the tour bus]
Plastic Cup Boyz: You about to shit, ain’t you?
Kevin Hart: No, no. Ain’t no shitting on the bus. Plastic Cup Boyz: It is if it’s shitting on a good bus.
Kevin Hart: No shitting on a bus. Plastic Cup Boyz: Downstairs?
Kevin Hart: No, ain’t no shitting on the bus at all. I’m calling a team meeting right now. No shitting. No shitting on the bus, dude.
Plastic Cup Boyz: I can’t, man! I shit at least seven times a day. When they gotta shit, we’ll pull over and go to… So we can pull over? Yeah.
Kevin Hart: Yeah. We ain’t telling you to shit on yourself!
Plastic Cup Boyz: Well, I will. Kevin Hart: I got a rule. A n i g g a shit on a bus, you gotta pay that $500.
Plastic Cup Boyz: $500 to take a shit? That’s a fine. So, how do I say.
Kevin Hart: “What’s up, everybody?” Okay. Now, how many people know who I am? Ask them.
Crowd: I love Kevin Hart!
Kevin Hart: Let me say something. I have never been to Oslo in my life. Never, ever. And the first time I come here, you guys welcome me with a sold-out show. Genuinely, I fucking thank you.
Fan[s]: I loved him in Soul Plane. Definitely his best work. Well, Kevin, you’re awesome. It was nice seeing you in Denmark. Yeah. We’ll miss you, and you definitely need to come back. All right, all right, all right! [Non-English language] [Subtitle: We love you Kevin Hart!] [Subtitle: You and I are getting married tonight.]
Kevin Hart: Amsterdam! Thank you for the love. Thank you for the support. You wanna see if n i g g a s is weird or not? Be on a bus with them for 10 hours. You’re gonna see a lot of shit.
Plastic Cup Boyz: We’ve been driving for eight hours. We could have been there in one on a goddamn plane.
Kevin Hart: I think it was a smart decision.
Plastic Cup Boyz: Man, this is the dumbest shit he ever did. Don’t nobody do this. He’s still the same dumb motherfucker he was goddamn 27 years ago. Just look like a bunch of idiots on a double-decker bus.
Kevin Hart: Either get on a plane for two and a half hours, or take a bus for 10 hours and be with your friends and talk to one another.
Plastic Cup Boyz: Some people on here stink. There’s a stench from hell. It’s just a lot of funky-ass… It’s like gumbo. …I’ll-hygiene-ass n i g g a s on this bus.
Kevin Hart: It’s fucking disgusting. That’s why I stay back here in the quarters, you know. Me and my lady, we lay back here in comfort. Hey, the tour bus was a mistake! Birmingham, you guys are amazing. Thank you for the love. I’m out.
Fan[s]: It was chill!/ The show was hilarious. I love you!/ That was amazing. That was a brilliant show. Kevin! …all the way. You gotta see him, you gotta see him. Brilliant. Excellent. He’s sexy in real life/ All right, all right! I’m gonna marry you. Whoo! Kevin! Come back to the UK and smash it again, Kevin Hart. The guy is good all the time.
Kevin Hart: Wow! London, this is crazy! I can’t believe this, man. I came here and sold out. I appreciate you all. I love you all.
Friends of Kevin: I really feel like Kevin has grown into the young mogul that he really wants to be. Kevin was a guy that was true to his story. He knew where he came from, he knew where he wanted to go. I’ve seen where we started. And to see him go from a hole-in-the-wall bar in Atlantic City to performing in front of 15,000 people, you know, you gotta take your hat off. I mean, he can go into Norway, and Sweden and Denmark, and get the reception that he’s getting. He’s becoming a global brand.
Fan[s]: Everything he’s done, we’ve pretty much seen on YouTube. YouTube/ YouTube. On YouTube, everything. I then saw him on YouTube and I thought he was hilarious. But I’ve seen his stuff in YouTube, and I love that, man. I’ve seen, like, every show on YouTube. I’ve seen all your shows on YouTube, man! [Counter showing 63,000,000 views on YouTube]
Friends of Kevin: I’m some 1,000 miles away in other countries, and the love that this cat is getting… He’s so loyal. Like, he doesn’t want anybody to feel like he’s not there for them. This is a team. This has been running for four years strong, and we all work good together.
Kevin Hart: God, be that angel in my corner like you always are. Mom, I know you’re watching over me, and I know you’re proud. Amen.

* * *

[Stand up Begins] [The crowd cheers as Hart enters in hip hop fashion with bright signs, music, and fire. While he walks around stage.]
Kevin Hart: I know I’m in Madison Square Garden, and this shit is sold out. Y’all better make some fucking noise! I’m gonna say it again. I know I’m in fucking Madison Square Garden. This bitch sold out. Y’all better make some fucking noise! Uh… [Pause as crowd cheers. Hart is pointing to backstage] You see my fire? You see my fire? You got to be a big deal to have fire, people. [pointing at himself] It means I’m a big goddamn deal. Let me tell you why I got fire. Let me tell you why. I went to go see Jay-Z and Kanye perform, right? These n i g g a s had a bunch of fire. I was like, “Yo, this show is the shit, ’cause they got fire.” No comedian has ever had fire. I’m about to be the first comedian with some fucking fire. So… Because of that, throughout my show, you’re gonna see a bunch of pointless fire. You’re laughing? I’m not playing. I’m dead serious. You think it’s a game? Give fire for these bitches one time. [fire explodes, Hart raises his hand with the fire.] There’s about to be a bunch of fucking fire. This show’s gonna be hot. Literally. [Pause as crowd cheers]

Um… Lot of shit to talk about, man. I wanna talk about the fact that I’m happy. I’m happy right now, people. Uh… [crowd cheers] I wanna explain why I’m happy. First of all, my divorce is final. That’s the first reason why. [crowd cheers again] Now, here’s what I wanna explain about my divorce. Everybody assumes that because you went through a divorce, you went through a fucked-up period of life. You hate each other. You’re enemies. It’s not true. At the end of the day, that’s the mother of my kids. I’m always gonna respect her as the mother of my kids. She’s happy, she’s moved on. I’m happy, I’ve moved on. I’m happier than she is, though. [crowd laughs] I am. No, I am. I’m doing a lot of happy shit right now, people. You have no idea. I took a fucking walk the other day. Do you know how happy you gotta be to take a goddamn walk? To just go outside and start fucking walking? I knew I was happy because I was talking to myself while I was walking. I was like, “You hungry?” [talking is a different voice] [mouth click] “I could eat.” [talking normal again] It was just me, though. Right? Nobody else was there. I stopped, I fed pigeons. That’s some happy shit! You gotta be happy to feed pigeons. Here’s a beautiful thing about me feeding pigeons. When I was done feeding the pigeons, I didn’t have to lie about it. See, when you’re married, you lie about shit like that. Because you don’t believe that your wife would ever believe that you were doing something as dumb as feeding some goddamn pigeons. There’s not a married man sitting in this audience right now that can go out and feed pigeons, and his wife calls, and she says, “Babe, where you at?” And you go, “I’m feeding pigeons.” And she believes that he was feeding some fucking pigeons. It’ll never happen. It’s an argument off the bat. “Where you at, babe?” “I’m out here feeding pigeons.” “You ain’t feeding no damn pigeons!” “What’re you talking about? I am feeding the pigeons.” “Then put the pigeon on the fucking phone.” “What?” “Let me talk to the goddamn pigeon.” [making pigeon sounds] “That ain’t no pigeon.” [Waving his hands like a woman talking] “Tell the bitch sitting next to you that’s making pigeon noises on the phone, when I see her, I’m gonna beat her ass. Oh, fake pigeon noise making ass’bitch… Oh, not knowing how to sound like a pigeon ass’ bitch… Matter of fact, tell that bitch that when I see her, I’m gonna grab a real pigeon and smack the shit out of her with it. She could see what a real pigeon sounds like. Oh, false pigeon vocal chord having ass’ bitch.” I’m fucking killing y’all, man. Get fire on these bitches one time. [Fire from backstage, Hart waves his hands again] [crowd cheers]

I… I’m at a point now where I understand who I am as a man. I know my pros, I know my cons. Here’s, here’s what’s bad about me, people. I’m a liar. I love to lie. Uh… I don’t know why. I wish I could stop. I can’t. I think I’m sick. It’s a disease. Um… I don’t even tell good lies. I tell a bunch of dumb-ass lies on a regular basis. Let me tell you something. There’s nothing worse than telling a dumb-ass lie and getting caught telling a dumb-ass lie. For example, I don’t like talking on my cell phone. I can’t stand talking on my phone. But I don’t know how to tell people that I don’t like to talk on my phone. I think that makes me, like, an asshole, so I’d much rather lie about it. Here’s how I got caught the other day. I’m in my car, I’m driving. My boy calls me when I’m driving, I pick up, “Yo, what up?” “Kev, what’s going on?” Instantly, I lie. I said, “Dude, I can’t be on the phone like that. I’m out of the country. I’m not trying to have a high-ass phone bill.” [putting his hand up] This is no bullshit. This is what I heard, he said, [making a strange face] “N i g g a, ain’t that you at the stoplight right there in front of me?” I said, “What?” I’m so oblivious at lying, I waved. “What’s up, man? What’s going on with you, baby?” “Why you said you was out of the country?” “I didn’t say that. I never said that.”

I don’t wanna be a liar. I don’t. I blame y’all. It’s your fault. ‘Cause y’all put me in positions where I have no choice but to lie. For example, I’m here. I’m in New York. I’m at the airport. I’m in baggage claim, right? This girl sees me, she goes off. She loses her fucking mind. Soon as she saw me, she was like, [in a very strange girl-like voice making extreme body movements] “oh, my God, no, Kevin! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! I can’t believe this! God must be playing a trick on me! God must be playing a trick on me! Oh, my God! I said I was gonna see you and then I see you, and now I’m looking at you. Oh, my God, I can’t believe it. Oh, my God! Can you do me a favor? Can you wait here for, like, 30 minutes? My mom is about to land. She would love to get a picture with you.” [Back to his normal voice] I was like, “Fuck, yeah, I’ll wait. Go ahead, go get her.” As soon as she left, I took off. [crowd laughs] Bitch, I’m not standing here for no No! Kill yourself. Die! Today! Death to you, bitch, die! I’m not fucking waiting for you. But I can’t say that. If I say that, that makes me, like, an asshole.

There are certain lies that I can’t tell. For example, I can’t tell big lies. Reason why I can’t tell big lies is because I’m one of those people that start to believe the lie. Like, once I get that ball rolling, I can’t stop. You know who I respect? I respect people that work a nine-to-five job that could show up late for work without an excuse. They show up, take full responsibility. “Hey, I’m sorry I’m late. It’ll never happen again. I overslept, I apologize. It’s irresponsible on my behalf. If I do it again, fire me.” I respect people that can do that. ‘Cause I can’t do that, ’cause I’m a fucking liar. I am. If I’m late, something happened. I don’t give a shit. Something drastic happened. “Yo, dude, sorry I’m late. I was on the highway and a fucking baby was running on the highway. Yeah, I know, right? Shit’s crazy. So I get out of the car, I start chasing the baby. In my mind, I’m like, ‘Why’re you running, baby?’ That’s what I’m thinking, right? I’m like, ‘What do you do?’ ‘Cause I can’t just grab the baby and throw the baby in the car, that’s kidnapping. I fuck around and go to jail. I got a little butt, I’ll get raped. I know they’ll fucking rape me in jail. I ain’t trying to get raped. So I had to make a decision. I was like, ‘Shit, what do I do?’ So I decided to adopt the baby. What I did was, I downloaded this app on my iPhone, this Adopt the Baby app, right? I put the barcode on the baby head. Boop! That way the baby knew he was my baby. I put the baby in the car, I go to pull off, I turn around, a deer was running towards the car. So I’m like, ‘Oh, shit! This deer is about to eat the baby!’ That’s what I’m thinking, right? But then I looked closer, I noticed the front part of the deer was a deer, the back half was a zebra. It was half deer, half zebra. So I’m like, ‘Oh, shit! It’s a deerbra!’ Like, that’s what I’m thinking, ‘It’s a fucking deerbra.’ So I call the zoo, I’m like, ‘Yo, there’s a fucking deerbra out here on the highway!’ He was like, ‘What’s that?’ I was like, ‘Half deer, half zebra.’ He was like, ‘Did you just make that up?’ I was like, ‘I think so.’ Um… He said, ‘Well, bring it down.’ So I get down there, he sees it, he’s like, ‘Oh, shit, it’s half deer, half zebra!’ I said, ‘That’s what I was trying to tell you on the phone, it’s a deerbra. He was like, Okay, what do you want? Do you want money for it?’ I said, No, I don’t have that type of time. ‘I gotta get back to the car because my new son is in the car by hisself. So I get back to the car, turns out, the baby that I thought was a baby wasn’t a baby. It was a grown-ass man with Benjamin Button disease. Let me tell you how I figured this out. I figured this out, ‘ cause when I got to the car, the baby woke up. I was like, ‘Hey, I’m your new dad. I’ve just adopted you. He was like, ‘You ain’t my dad, bitch! I’m 65. I said, ‘Goddamn!’ He said, ‘I got a disease. I was like, ‘You got that Benjamin Button. He was like, ‘Where’s my deerbra? [confident face] I said, ‘I knew that was a fucking deerbra, I knew it was. I just took it to the zoo. He was like, ‘Well, how the fuck am I supposed to get home? [strange face] I said, ‘You ride that motherfucker, man? Anyway, long story short, that’s why I’m five minutes late for work, ’cause it took a long-ass time for me to get the fucking deerbra in the car.”

Understand something, people. Lying will ruin your life. Lying will ruin your goddamn life. Lying ruined my marriage. True shit, sweetie. Lying ruined my goddamn marriage. That’s a lie, I cheated. [crowd laughs] Let’s talk about it, though, let’s figure it out. Don’t judge me. Let me explain. Um… Yes. Yes, people, I cheated. Am I ashamed of it? No. No, I am not. Do I wish that I could take it back? No. No, I don’t. Let me tell you why. You can’t evolve as a man if you never make a mistake. The only way that you could be perfect is to fuck up. I get it, I fucked up. “Don’t cheat.” Nah! Whatever. Now, do I.. Do I think cheating was the problem? No, I don’t.

Cheating was not the problem. Lying about cheating was the problem. If I’d had been honest about it, might have worked it out. But I wasn’t. I lied. And I didn’t just lie on myself, I put my best friend in my lie. Now I don’t think that’s a bad thing to do. Let me explain why. If you’re my best friend, I shouldn’t have to ask you to lie for me. I shouldn’t have to ask your permission for me to put you in my lie. You know why? ‘Cause you’re my best fucking friend, bitch. That’s your job. The day that we signed up and said that we best friends, that means that [pointing back and forth] my bullshit is your bullshit. And your bullshit is my bullshit. If you’re my real best friend, you should know that I need you to lie for me by the look on my face. If I’m looking at you and I’m not blinking, if I’m like this… [staring wide eyed with his hands open] [crowd laughs] that’s a goddamn sign. That means, “The bitch got the drop on us. My back is against the wall. This is not a test. It’s the real deal, help me! Help me! [very exaggerated] N i g g a! Help me! My friend Harry ignored all signs, okay? Let me tell you how shit hit the fan. I come in the house, right? Come in the house, like, 4:00 in the morning. I’m drunk, people. Drunk as shit. I have no balance. I’m all over the place. I’m rocking back and forth. Soon as I walk in the house, she wakes up, she goes off. “You know what? I’m sick of this. I know you’s probably out with some bitch. You was probably messing with some bitch.” Now, I’m drunk, I don’t wanna respond, because I don’t have any balance. I’m rocking back and forth. You don’t look believable when you’re rocking back and forth. So I had to choose a stance in which I looked believable. So I chose this. [standing with his legs in a lunging position and his hands at head level] I said, “Let me tell you something, listen to me. “Wasn’t nobody with no bitch, okay?

You’re wrong. Matter of fact, to prove you wrong, I’m gonna call Harry. Harry not expecting me to call right now, so Harry don’t have no reason to lie. And I’m gonna put it on speakerphone. [pointing] About to make you feel stupid. Watch this. Watch how fucking stupid you feel. Watch. Watch this. [dialing his phone] Harry. Harry, real quick, don’t lie.” Let’s stop right there. [Crowd laughs] Let’s just stop right there for a second. What does that mean? What does that mean, people? Lie. It means, lie. Right now. That means, “The bitch got the drop on us. My back is against the wall. This is not a test. It’s the real deal, help me! Help me! [very exaggerated] N i g g a! Help me!” Harry ignored all signs. I’m gonna tell you exactly what Harry said. I said, “Harry. Harry, real quick, don’t lie. Where’re we coming from right now?” He said, “Man, you was with that bitch with the fat ass.” [In his strange girl like voice] “What? Oh, no. “No, no, no, no. “Oh, no. No, no, no, no.” Yo. [high pitched voice] I was so fucking scared. I was so scared. I mean, this bitch gonna kill me. She’s gonna fucking kill me. [normal voice] See, but understand something. I’m not mad at Harry. The reason I’m not mad at Harry is because Harry has done some dumb shit, but I understand who he is. See, Harry might be the smartest dumbest friend that I’ve ever had in my life, okay?

Let me tell you the dumbest thing that Harry has ever done. Harry invented the code for us to use to let each other know when we were around our women. Basically, if somebody used the code, it means, “Don’t say anything stupid. You might be on speakerphone. Don’t say nothing dumb. The phone might be loud enough so my girl can hear whatever it is you’re saying.” It means, “Don’t say anything that could jeopardize our relationship.” The code was, “Man, I’m hungry as shit.” That’s the code, people. “Man, I’m hungry as shit.” Here’s what pissed me off about the code. [exaggerated] Harry invented the fucking code. So there’s no reason why Harry should have messed up the code. Here’s how Harry messes it up. I’m in the car with my lady. I’m driving, she’s in the passenger seat. Harry calls me when I’m in the car. I got the Bluetooth shit in the car, so my phone rings, the whole car rings. Harry’s name pops up on the dashboard. I answer, “What up, boy?” “Kev, what’s going on?” “Ain’t shit.” This is how I knew the conversation was about to take a turn for the worse. This is how I knew it was about to get filthy. He said, “N i g g a!” [blank stare and strange look along with noises] “Harry, hey, hey. Man, I’m hungry as shit!” He said, “I’m not. I just ate.” “What? What! Harry!” Harry! Harry!” I said, “Man, I’m hungry as shit.” He says, “Yo, you should go to Subway and get the footlong for five dollars.” “What the fuck! Harry! Harry!” I said, “Man, I’m hungry as shit.” He said, “Oh, that must mean you’re ready to eat these white bitches.” [In his strange girl like voice] “What? Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no. I ain’t eating no white bitch. I ain’t eating no white bitches. “I never did. Oh, my God, no. Oh, no.” [normal voice] Yo, have you ever been in trouble with your girl to the point where you’re afraid to look at her, [pointing to his head] but you can feel her staring at the side of your goddamn face? I was so scared, I never looked at her. I just looked straight and started making dumb-ass noises. [beatbox noises while driving] I started pointing out shit. “Oh, look, a deerbra! You see it? I just saw a deerbra.” I’m fucking killing y’all, man. Get fire on these bitches again. [Fire from backstage, Hart waves his hands again] [crowd cheers]

Now, here’s the thing. I’m not upset with Harry for doing all the dumb shit that he’s done. Reason why is because I’ve learned so much from Harry. Like, literally, now I know what to do, what not to do. I know what I want, what I don’t want. And, fellas, I’m not selfish with this information. I feel like it’s my job to educate y’all. I can tell you what you want in your life, what you don’t. I can tell you the one thing that you do not want in your household. Fellas, the one thing that you don’t want in your household is a female that doesn’t trust you. Only thing that’s worse than a female that doesn’t trust you is a female that doesn’t trust you that has no proof for why she doesn’t trust you. That bitch is crazy. Let me tell you why. She’s crazy because she has so many thoughts in her head about what you might be doing, and it pisses her off that she can’t figure it out. That’s why she sits in the house all day, trying to put pieces to a puzzle together that doesn’t exist. [leaning down with a crazy look] “Oh, he done fucked up. Oh, this n i g g a fucked up. What the fuck is this right here? Oh, I got his ass now.” This is a woman that’ll look at you and say crazy shit like, [leaning down with a crazy look, rocking side to side] “Don’t act like I’m fucking crazy, n i g g a.” You ever see a girl say shit like that? She look crazy as shit while she say it. [leaning down with a crazy look, rocking side to side] “Don’t act like I’m fucking crazy.” Let me tell you something. Any bitch that do this shit right here… [leaning down with a crazy look, leaning on one side] is a goddamn psychopath, you hear me? Any bitch that argue with you to the side, [leaning down with a crazy look, rocking side to side] “Oh, you got a bitch fucked up, you hear me? You got me fucked up. You got me fucked up. You got me fucked up, n i g g a.” That’s a different level of woman. She’s fucking crazy. This woman is so crazy that when she thinks, when she thinks that she’s caught you cheating, before she talks to you, she’s gotta have a conversation with herself. She’s gotta talk to herself. [Walking to the side] Here’s my impression of a crazy woman talking to their self. [Walking around stage drastically] “Oh, yeah. Oh, we got his ass now. We got his ass now. “You ready, bitch?” “Bitch, I’m ready.” Ain’t nobody there, it’s just her. Now, she’s so crazy that she can’t even stick to the plan. The plan is to see you. When she sees you, she’s supposed to show you whatever she found. You’re supposed to talk about it, figure out the next steps in your relationship. But she’s crazy. There’s so much bottled up emotion and built-up tension inside. As soon as she sees your face, she snaps. She fucking loses it. Soon as you walk through the door, “Shut the fuck up! Shut up! Don’t say shit! You’re a piece of shit! [In his strange girl like voice] Oh, my God, [scream] no.” Hey, have you ever seen a woman go from frantic to calm? Like, real fast? [angry] “Motherfucker, you’re a piece of shit! [sad] “I can’t believe you’re hurting me! [angry] “But it’s gonna be the last time that you do some shit like this to me. [sad] “I don’t give a fuck about it! I don’t give a fuck! [angry] “Let me tell you something, n i g g a. You’re gonna get your shit together, [sad] “or you’re gonna get out!” She’s a fucking psychopath, man.

Crazy women always wanna tell you what you did. They always wanna run down the story. [angry woman] “Let me tell you why you fucked up. Last night, you come in here, you’re a little drunk, you’re a little tipsy. You start to go to sleep on the couch. You take your pants off, you put your pants on the floor. Something told me, something told me, something was like, Girl, go through his pants. I was like, ‘All right.” [crazy face] That’s the crazy girl face. [crazy face] “All right. So, I get up, I go through your pants, I found a receipt. You had a receipt in your pants for some gas. But it wasn’t any old kind of gas, it was regular gas. That’s funny, I’m with you all the time. I’ve never seen you use regular gas.” Ladies, let me ask you a question. Why is it that whenever you’re arguing with your man and you repeat yourself, the second time you say it, you get loud as shit as if you solved the case? “That’s funny, I’ve never seen you use regular gas. I’ve never seen you use regular gas! You know who put the regular gas in the car? That regular bitch that you was with. That’s who put the regular gas in the car. Shut your ass up! Shut up! You’re caught. You’re a piece of shit! Look at you! You got glitter all on your face. Mismatched socks!”

Now, ladies, let me explain something to you. 99% of the time you are right. 99% of the time you are right. That 1% when you’re wrong, that’s the day that men live for. We live for the day that we can make you look dumb as shit. That’s our goal as men. I’mma tell you three words that you never wanna hear come out of your man’s mouth. If your man ever hit you with these words, shut up. Don’t say shit, he’s about to make you look stupid. If you’re going off, you’re snapping, “Shut the fuck up. You’re a piece of shit. I hate you.” [angry noise] If he hit you with this right here, [pointing, using a deep smooth voice] “Are you done? Are you done?” He get cocky. “Are you done? Are you done? Okay. Okay.” I’m about to shit on this bitch right now. Are you done? You’re done, right? You’re done, right? Are you done? Are you done? Okay, okay. [normal voice again] “I’m laughing, I’m laughing because you don’t even know what happened. See, last night, you was the one at the club that started to drink a whole bottle of Patron by yourself. You’re the one that passed out in the club. I’m the one that picked you up, carried you out of the club, put you in the car. We got in the car, we started driving home, I realized I lost my wallet. I said, ‘Damn, babe, we need gas. I don’t have my wallet. You got any money on you? You said, in a very drunk voice, I got three dollars. I said, ‘What the fuck are we supposed to do with three dollars? You said, ‘We gonna put some regular gas up in this motherfucker. I said, ‘Fine. We put the regular gas in the car, I drive home fast, ’cause I didn’t wanna run out of the regular gas. When we got home, you felt sick because of the way I was driving. You fucking went upstairs, you start throwing up. I got naked, I got into bed. I kept my socks on, though. First of all, you know I sleep with my socks on because I got ugly feet. I’m insecure about my feet. My fear is, if I don’t sleep with socks on, we’re gonna get robbed. And whoever has the gun is gonna look at my feet and they’re gonna be like, Oh, shit. Ew!’ Barn! Shoot me in the fucking foot. I’m gonna have another ugly-ass goddamn foot. So you start calling me. You’s like, ‘Kev, come help me. I’m throwing up. I come running to the bathroom, you got throw-up all over the floor. I stepped in it, ew, took my sock off, I put your sock on. That’s why my sock got a ball on the back of it. Picked you up, put you on my shoulder. The reason why I got glitter on my face, it’s because you use that cheap-ass glitter lotion on your ass. So when I held you like this, your ass was rubbing against the side of my goddamn face. Ran in the room, I threw you in the bed. I didn’t get into bed, ’cause you smelled like throw-up. I’m not getting in the bed with nobody that smells like throw-up. You know why I’m not getting in the bed with nobody who smells like throw-up? ‘Cause it’s gonna make me fucking throw up! So I went downstairs, I slept on the couch. With that being said, don’t say shit else to me. You’re wrong! I’m out!”

This face that women make is priceless. [making an innocent face] “It’s not even like that. Listen, come here, it’s not even… I don’t even wanna debate… Listen, come here, let me suck your dick. I wanna suck your dick. Let me suck your dick while the football game is on, for the whole game. I’m gonna suck your dick for the whole game.” Men are so stupid, we’d be in the middle of storming out. “For the whole game? You would do it for the whole game? For half-time and everything? You’re gonna suck it for the whole game? Deal. You got a goddamn deal. “Well, you better get to sucking right now, ’cause it’s a long game.”

Now, here’s my advice to you, fellas. If your woman is going through that insecure period where she’s questioning you, she’s going through your shit, my advice is, stop her. “Babe, stop, whatever you’re looking for, don’t look anymore. You’re right, I’m wrong. I need to do better.” The reason I say do that is because you don’t wanna see your woman go through that crazy point of no return. See, I’ve seen a woman get here. It’s unattractive. The reason why it’s unattractive is ’cause when a woman reaches a certain level of crazy, she doesn’t know that she’s being crazy. Everybody else knows. Everybody else sees it. “Hey, that bitch in the corner with the diaper on her face is fucking crazy, yo. She’s fucking crazy. She’s a psychopath.” Everybody else knows except her.

Here’s the thing, I was in that situation. I saw a woman get crazy. Let me tell you how I knew this one chick went wild, okay? We’re in the house one day, arguing, all fucking day. Gets to the point where I’m like, “You know what, I can’t argue with you no more. My head hurts. I’m done. I’m getting in the shower. I’m getting dressed. I’m going to the store.” True story, people. Exactly what I do. Get in the shower, get dressed, get in my car, start driving to the store. On the way to the store, I hit a speed bump. When I hit the speed bump, I hear a lot of noise in the trunk. Boom! Ba-dum-doo! Boom! “That’s weird, I ain’t put shit in the trunk. What the fuck is all that noise in the goddamn trunk?” I’m small. I get scared fast. So I get out of the car, I pop the trunk, this is some true shit. I pop the trunk. When I pop the trunk, this bitch was stooped down in the trunk like this, looking at me. [stooped down with a crazy look] I see her in the goddamn trunk. I see her see me see her in the goddamn trunk. “I just caught you in the trunk of my car. You gotta say something to justify what the fuck I’m looking at. What the fuck are you doing in the goddamn trunk?” With a straight face, she looks at me, jumps out of the trunk, rolls her eyes and takes off, as if I never saw her. [acting like he’s running]

Now, let me tell you why I had an attitude. I had an attitude because we live together. Like, “I’m gonna see you tonight. We have to address this at some point in time.” I said, “No, fuck that. We’re gonna talk about this right now.” I get in the car, I drive home. Here’s where it gets crazier. When I get home, she in the kitchen cooking, right? I walk in the house, she said, “Hey, babe, you hungry?” “Bitch, what the… [confused face] Oh! I don’t wanna talk about no goddamn food. I wanna talk about why I popped the trunk and you popped out of the goddamn trunk like a goddamn Jack-in-the-box. The fuck were you doing in the goddamn trunk?” With a straight face, she looked at me, she said, “I wasn’t in no goddamn trunk.” [confused face] “Bitch, I saw you see me see you in the goddamn trunk.” [leaning to the side with a crazy face] “You ain’t see me in no goddamn trunk. You must have saw one of them other bitches you’ve been fucking with, goddamn trunk, n i g g a!” It messed me up so bad, I started thinking. I was like… [confused face] “Did I have another bitch in the trunk? I might have… Oh, no, I might have put another bitch in the trunk and forgot she was in the trunk.”

These are real-life situations. And after something like that happens, every man’s reaction is the same. We all say the same shit, we all do the same shit. “I ain’t getting with no crazy-ass woman. Ain’t no way in hell I’m getting with a crazy-ass woman. I’d rather be with myself.” That’s what you do, you live the single life. Single life is amazing at first. Reason why it’s amazing is because every night, you’re with your boys, you’re drinking, you’re meeting women, having a good time. Reality doesn’t hit you about how bad the single life is until you call your friends to go out, and on that night, none of your friends are available, ’cause they’re out with their women. That’s when reality hits you. “Yo, what up, boy? What you want to do tonight?” “Oh, man, I ain’t doing nothing. It’s cupcake Tuesdays. Me and my lady, we’re making cupcakes. Red velvet. I get to lick the bowl and everything.” “‘Lick the bowl’? Man, get the fuck off my phone.” “Hey, don’t be mad at me ’cause you ain’t got no bowl to lick.” “What?”

Then you start to rethink your whole decision. “Damn. Did I have a good woman? Shit, man. I might have had a good woman. You know what, I need to get my lady back.” Thing is, you can’t go back the way you left. You gotta reinvent yourself. You gotta make it look like you’re making an effort to get your woman back. Here’s how dumb I am. This is what I do. I come back. “Babe, I got an idea. It’s gonna be great. It’s gonna put the spark back in our relationship. It’s gonna make us fall in love, okay? We’ve never done it. Let’s do it for the first time together. We should both take ecstasy one time. We should pop the pill. Hear me out. Hear me out. It’s an emotional drug, okay? It’s gonna make us talk. We’re gonna have sex. It’s gonna be the best.” She said, “Fine, let’s do it.” She takes the pill. Her pill gives her all the right reactions. I take the pill. My pill… Okay. My… My pill made me believe that I was a drug dealer. This is some real shit. I wish I was making this shit up. I can’t make this up, people. I don’t know where it came from. I snapped. We were talking. She was like, “Babe, I just wanna be happy. I want the disrespect to stop.” “Let me tell you something, you’re worried about fucking disrespect? That’s what you’re worried about? Hmm? What you need to be worried about is how I’m gonna deliver this kilo of cocaine to fucking Pablo.” She was like, “What? What’re you talking about?” “Girl, what the hell do you think I’m talking about? Where you think all this money come from? Jokes? Is that what you think? Huh? [leaned over slightly with a funny look on his face] You think I’m out here making funny money? Is that it? Huh? [dancing like a gangsta] Bitch, I’m in the game. I’m out here in the fucking streets. Okay? I gotta cook it, cut it, bake it, boop! Fly that shit.” She was like, “Oh, my God, what about the kids?” “Fuck them kids, bitch. I’m out here riding around and getting it, bird gang. You don’t even know my life, bitch.” Listen, let me tell you how messed up I was. I was ass naked, walking around the house like this. [holding his hand with his pointer finger out like it’s a gun] In my mind, this was a gun. I really believed that my hand was a gun. I was making threats. I said, “Let me tell you something. If anybody on the block try to touch my product, chitty, chitty, bang, bang, n i g g a s gonna die.” She was like, “Calm down, calm down.” This was how I knew she was fucked up. This was how I knew she was fucked up. [turning around] ‘Cause I turn around like this, right? [acting dramatic] She was like, “Don’t shoot me.” “Ain’t nobody gonna shoot you. I got the safety on. You need to fucking chill out.”

Y’all are laughing? I’m being serious. I was messed up. I tried to fuck a beanbag that night. I was ass naked on the beanbag for two hours, doing this shit by myself. [moving provocatively] I was sweating, but I didn’t know it was me. I thought it was the beanbag. I was like, “Oh, this beanbag’s wet as shit. This beanbag’s about to get this long dick. That’s what you’re gonna get, beanbag. You’re gonna learn today, beanbag. You hear me? You will learn today.”

That’s an old chapter of my life, people. Right now, I’m in a new chapter. In this chapter, reality has hit. Reality is, I’m single. Fucking dating. I can do what I want now. Now, here’s the scary thing about dating for me. I believe in karma. Whatever you do in life is gonna come full circle at some point in time. I know it is, okay? My fear is, I’m gonna fuck around and fall in love, and I’m gonna get hurt.

When I think about getting hurt, I think about the ultimate level of getting hurt. Like, I’m gonna try to surprise my lady on her lunch break. She would be in the car giving some dude head, I’m fucking around to see it. Now, I know I’m not strong enough to deal with that. I’m too emotional. I break down. [In his strange girl like voice] Hmm. “No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No. “Pick your head up. Don’t finish. Don’t finish it. “Jesus, take the wheel, please.” I know I can’t deal with it. Some men are. Some men can. Some men are strong enough to catch their woman in a sexual act, like giving another man head, to the point where they can go up to the [opening the car door] car, open the car door and say one sentence. In that sentence, they’ll let a woman know how much he loved her, how bad she hurt him and where he is mentally, and he can walk off. Some men can pull it off. “You know what, I loved you the best that I could. What I could do, I did. What I didn’t do, I tried. Fuck it.” He’ll walk Off. She’ll feel bad. “Why am I doing this? [popping noise out of his mouth] [crowd laughs] I don’t wanna do it no more.” Did you get it? That was the dick. Did you guys get it? This was the dick. Did you get it, you got it? All right.

Some men are different. Some men are killers. Some men are thugs all the time. “No, fuck that! Fuck that! If I see my girl in the car giving some dude head, I’m gonna go up to the car, I’m gonna grab him, drag him out of the car, I’m gonna beat the shit out of the dude.” That’s how some men feel. [speaking to someone in the audience] “Would you do that, man? Chainz, would you fuck him up? You’d whoop his ass? You’re gonna fight the guy with his dick out? His dick is out. This guy’s got the hard dick. That’s the wrong answer, Chainz. I don’t like that answer. I don’t think you thought about it. Should’ve thought it through.” His fucking dick is out. I can’t fight a dude with a hard dick. It’s not gonna happen. The reason why is ’cause I’m small. When I fight, I gotta get low. [crouching down] I gotta get your legs. If your dick is out, at some point in time, that’s gonna cause a problem for me. At some point in time. “Yo, you got my girl out here in a fucking car? Hmm? Huh? N i g g a?” [diving forward act, then having a strange look then a crying face and a scream] Yo, you’re gonna lose your fucking mind if a man’s dick hit your head in front of a group of people watching the fight. You’re gonna do some shit you never thought you would do. You’re gonna fuck around and grab it. [grabbing his mic tightly and screaming and wrestling with it] You’re gonna say some shit you never thought you would say, “I’m gonna rip it off! This dick is coming with me! This is my dick! I got two dicks now!” Yo, if you grab a dude’s dick in a fight, you gotta kill yourself that night. You have to die that night. You can’t go on living. ‘Cause for the rest of your life, you’re gonna be known as the dude who grabbed the dude’s dick that day in a fight. “There goes the dude who grabbed that dude’s dick that day in a fight.” “What was I supposed to do? The dick was on my head.” “Hey, man, get your dick-grabbing ass out of here, man. Nobody trying to talk to you, dick grabber.”

Look, I had a thought the other day that scared me. I thought about the fact that my kids are eventually gonna have a stepdad. That’s kind of scary to me. I’m gonna tell you why. I start thinking to myself like, “What if I can’t physically beat the stepdad?” ‘Cause I know I’m not gonna like the guy. Small problems are gonna become big problems. So in my mind, shit will happen. Like, one day I call the house and in the background, I hear, “I said, ‘Put the dishes in the sink.”‘ But in my mind, what I heard was, “You and your dad can suck my dick in the sink.” [looking around] I gotta fight. I gotta fucking fight now. Because I’ve thought about it. I wanna be prepared for this day, if it ever happens. So right now, I’m currently taking self-defense class. All right, this is no bullshit. This is not a joke. It’s the wrong time to mess with me. I know a lot of shit. My teacher just taught me how to take a gun out of somebody’s hand. [holding his hand in gun fashion] Like, if somebody points a gun at me like this, [he performs the action with his hand] I’m trained to grab your wrist, bend it, take the gun, point it right back at you. No bullshit. I do it all the time in class. I’m the best. [cocky look] It’s at a point where I had a conversation with my friends, I said, “Look, dude, if we out and somebody pulls a gun out, let me handle it, okay? “I’m the only one here that’s trained for this type of combat.” He was like, “You sure?” I said, “Trust me, I’m sure.” Here’s how funny life is. We’re walking out of the club, right? [leaned down slightly] I’m a little tipsy. I get to the car, this guy comes from behind the car. He’d ducked down, he had a gun. [holding his hand like a gun sideways, “gangster style”] He was like, “Everybody get naked. Run that shit, bitch. Get naked. Run it.” All my friends got scared and started getting naked. I was calm. I’m standing there, I’m looking at him. I’m even laughing a little bit, ’cause in my mind, I’m like, [wide eyed] “You don’t even know… what I’m trained to do.” Right? That’s what I’m thinking, right? So he got mad, he says, “You think it’s a game, little n i g g a? [holding his hand like a gun sideways, “gangster style”] Run that shit, bitch. Get naked. Run it.” And it scared me, because my teacher only taught me to take guns from people holding it like this. [holding his hand like a gun normally] He had it like this. [holding his hand like a gun sideways, “gangster style”] [crowd laughs] I’ve never seen that. We never worked on that in class. So I didn’t know what to do. So I got naked. I did exactly what he said. I got naked. My friends were like, “Do something.” I was like, “I can’t. He’s a killer. He’s the real deal. This guy’s the real deal.”

I got security after that. Actually, that’s a lie. That’s a lie. I didn’t get security after that. I tried to hire my friend, Wayne, as my security guard. Reason why is because Wayne was big as shit. So I was like, “Why would I fucking pay somebody else “when I can give you that extra money? You ain’t got to fight nobody, just look like you would if something were to happen.” He’s like, “All right, I’ll do it.” I said, “Done. You’re hired. You’re my security guard.” Um… Here’s why Wayne got fired. Let me tell you why. We were at a club, right? This guy pulls out a gun, shoots it in the air. [using his hand as a gun, he points it up] Bop! “Fuck all these bitches!” I got scared. Wayne, what should we do?” With a straight face, Wayne said, “Play dead.” [with a confused look] I said, “What? What’d you say?” He wouldn’t answer me back ’cause he was in character. He said… [puts his head down and closes his eyes] [crowd laughs] “Wayne! [with little jumps] Wayne! Wayne!” He gonna go, [looking down] “You better shut up before you get shot.” What the fuck?

After that, I hired this guy named Steve. Now, Steve was the real deal, people. Let me tell you why. Steve made me feel like a star. We went places, Steve moved the crowd. “Everybody move! Move! Watch out, Mr. Hart’s coming through.” I never had to look behind me. Steve always had my back. Steve got fired, because we was at a club one day, I’m at VIP section, right? VIP is separated from the dance floor by a velvet rope. I’m standing behind a velvet rope. I say, “Steve, I’ve got to go to the bathroom.” [moving the rope] The guy operating the velvet rope moves it. Me and Steve walk to the bathroom. I use it, I get done, we come back. The guy operating the velvet rope was talking. That’s fine, I’m patient. I’ll wait till he’s done. Steve felt like I shouldn’t have to wait. [picking up the microphone stand] Steve decided to pick me up and place me over the goddamn rope. Let me tell you something, people. I’ve never felt more like a bitch in my life. I was like, “Steve, no, don’t do this, please.” My back leg came up. “Look at me. Look what you’re making me do. Stop, Steve. You’re fucking fired, man.”

After that, I hired these two ex-cops turned security guards. Now, these guys were very professional. My problem with them was that they were too professional. Like, their level of security was way too advanced for my level of celebrity. Like, I don’t… I don’t know who they thought I thought I was. I don’t know where the miscommunication came, but it was too much. Like, we go to Applebee’s. True story. Fucking Applebee’s, okay? There’s a empty booth. I go slide in the booth. [sliding in, with a squeaky noise] [crowd laughs] That’s how I slide in the booth. I love Applebee’s. [sliding in, saying “Applebee’s”] Applebee’s, Applebee’s, Applebee’s. So I’m in the booth, right? I’m sitting next to the window. He goes, “Kevin, switch seats with me. “I don’t want you sitting next to the window.” I said, “Why not?” He said, “There might be a sniper outside.” [blank, confused look] “Looking for who? “Ain’t no sniper looking for me at no fucking Applebee’s. No. I’m not at the sniper level in my career. I’m not there yet. Like, you probably gotta worry about a dude putting his dick on the glass. [spreading his arms out, putting his tongue out, and moving his pelvis] That’s my level. I’m at the dick-on-the-glass level. [spreading his arms out, putting his tongue out, and moving his pelvis] That’s my level.”

Like, the shit that I’m afraid of, people don’t think about. I’m gonna tell you what I’m terrified of. Y’all are gonna think I’m crazy, but I’m gonna tell you anyway. Scariest shit in the world to me are bum hands. A bum’s hands are the scariest shit ever. You could say I’m crazy all you want. I’m willing to bet you all any amount of money right now, if y’all walk outside after this show, and a bum comes up to you and flicks your lip, [flicks his lip] [crowd laughs] bet money you’d kill yourself tonight. Bet whatever you wanna bet that you’d fucking kill yourself tonight. If you walk outside after this show and a bum comes up to you, “Give me a dollar, man.” “What?” “Man, you better give me a fucking… [flicks his lip multiple times] [crowd laughs] “Give me a fucking dollar, man.” [screams, moves and looks crazy] “What happened, man? He shoot you?” “Motherfucker flicked my lip, man.” Oh, my God! That’s the scariest shit ever. Like, you gotta get rid of that lip. You can’t keep that lip. That lip’s gotta go. You gotta buy a new lip. I don’t even know where to get lips. What would you do if you got jumped by three homeless people, and they held you down? [moving around like his is held down] “Get off of me. What is this about?” And then the leader come out, and you see him like this. And he… [holding his hand out and then starts flicking his lip] Oh, my God. You know how dirty his hands are? Oh, my fucking God. That’ll be the quickest bump that you’ve ever gotten in your fucking life. Pow! Bump! That fucking fast. You gotta explain it. “Hey, man, is that a fucking herpy?” “Mmm-mmm. It’s a bum bump.” “What?” “What the fuck is a bum bump, man?” [Hart begins laughing] [crowd laughs] A bum… A bum… Hold on, hold on. I gotta get it out. I gotta get it out. Hold on. Hold on. “What the fuck is that, man?” it’s a bum bump.” “How the fuck you let a bum touch your lip?” “I thought he was trying to tell me a secret.” “What? What the fuck was a bum trying to tell you?” “He tricked me. He was like, ‘Hey, man.’ [points with his finger then leans his head forward] “I said, ‘Huh?’ [flicks lip] He got me. That’s…” [Hart laughs] Get fire on these bitches one time, man. [fire from backstage] [Hart laughs again, so does the crowd] A fucking bum bump. Watch… Watch how y’all look at bums when y’all leave the show. Watch… Watch how defensive y’all are. “Excuse me, man, can you spare some change?” “N i g g a, what the… “Hey, man, you better get your ass out of here, n i g g a. You out here trying to flick lips, cuz? You out here trying to give a n i g g a a bum bump, n i g g a? I know what you’re… [Hart laughs again, so does the crowd] You ain’t gonna give me no bum bump, n i g g a. You better get the fuck out of here, man. Knock your ass out, man. I don’t want no bum bump. No, he got my n i g g a like that. He told him a secret. My n i g g a leaned in. Mmm. Fucked his whole shit up. This n i g g a’s shit was all bum bumpy for, like, two weeks.” [crowd continues to laugh]

I really believe shit like that can happen. I’m a weird thinker, people, I’m a weird thinker. I’m glad that I’m a weird thinker, though. Me being a weird thinker has made me a better man. It’s made me a better father. Let me explain how it’s made me a better father, okay? Me thinking about my kids eventually having a stepdad is what made me a better father. ‘Cause now, not only is it important for me to make sure that I’m around, but I need them to understand who I am and what I represent to their lives. Now, ’cause I see them so much, I notice everything. Like, my son is at this imagination stage. Like, I thought the shit was a phase. It’s not. It’s not going away. Like, my son really thinks that he’s Spider-Man. On some real shit. And when he gets mad, he webs me. [uses his hand in Spider-Man form and “shoots web” along with his voice making the web shooting noise] Now, because I’m Dad, I just go along with it. [has his hands up and moves around a little] Ahhh! I act like I’m caught. This is the shit that makes me laugh. This is how he releases me from the web. [moving his hand in circles] And he walks off. The shit’s hilarious. Now, it’s me and my son, we’re bonding. See, but as a parent, you don’t realize the effect that you have on your kids. Whatever you do in the house, your kids are gonna mimic when they’re outside the house. I learned this lesson the hard way. I go pick my son up from camp, right? My son is outside arguing with this little boy over a truck. I’m watching. I’m not gonna break it up. I want my son to be a boy, let me see how he handles himself. Little boy takes the truck from my son. [pulls away with a noise] My son gets mad, takes the truck back. [pulls back away] “Mine!” Little boy comes back, punches my son in the back of the head. [smacks the mic with his hand] My son falls. This boy starts whooping my son’s ass. Listen, I don’t know who was training this little boy, but they were doing an amazing job. This boy could fucking fight, okay? I’m not gonna break it up. I’m gonna let my son take his ass-whooping. He will learn from it. I’m watching. I see this with my own two eyes. My son gets mad, rolls over. [uses his hand in Spider-Man form and “shoots web” along with his voice making the web shooting noise] [Hart gives a confused look] [crowd laughs] “What the fuck are you doing, man? It’s not real. What are you doing?” The parents are looking at me. “Why would you teach him that? Why would you even teach him that?” [grabbing and pulling up] I run over, I grab the little boy off of my son. This is the longest walk back to the car that I’ve ever had with my son in my life. He just kept looking at his hands. He was like… [walking and looking at his hand] “I don’t know what happened, Dad. I don’t know what happened.” So I get mad. I’m like, “Dude, if somebody’s fucking hitting you, you ball your fists up, you hit him back. You don’t let nobody hit you. You ball your fists up, you hit him back.” Now, he doesn’t like it when I come down on him. So he got mad. He webbed me. [uses his hand in Spider-Man form and “shoots web” along with his voice making the web shooting noise] Now, when he webbed me, I had a choice to make. Do I act like the game that my son believes in isn’t real and no longer exists and fuck his imagination up? Or do I allow his imagination to continue to run wild? He’s five. I said, “I’m gonna let his imagination run wild,” act like I was caught. Ah! [has his hands up and moves around a little] Ahhh! This… This is what I heard. This is what my son said. [looking at his hand then looks up] “I had it turned off, Dad.” [looks disappointed then walks away] Said, “What the fuck is going on here?”

Look, my kids are hilarious, man. I got stories for days about my kids. I took my kids horseback riding, right? This might have been, like, the best worst day that I’ve ever had with my kids in my life. I wanted to find a place that was suitable for kids and adults so we could make a day out of it. I find this ranch, right? Me, my kids, my brother, my friends, we all go. We get there, they got ponies. My kids get on the ponies. There’s a smaller trail at the ranch. They ride the ponies around the smaller trail. Me, my brother and my friends, we go on the big horses. We’re gonna do the big trail, okay? Here’s what happened. Everybody gets on their horses. They’ve got their feet in the stirrups. They’re ready to go. I’m last to get on my horse ’cause I was filling out the paperwork, I’m paying for this shit. I get on my horse. Here’s strike one for me. [sitting on the stool with his legs out] I go to put my feet in the stirrups, right? Okay. Okay, this was the problem. [moving his feet around] Like, if I put this foot in, this foot wasn’t going to make it. I couldn’t get them both in, all right? So I tell the guy. I say, “Hey, man, I think I need smaller stirrups.” He was like, “Don’t worry about it. You don’t need them.” I was like, “Mmm. Yes, I do. ‘Cause everybody else has them. I wanna look like everybody else.” He was like, “Trust me, you’ll be all right.” I was like, “I don’t trust you. I wanna look like everybody else.” He said, “Look, do you wanna talk to the instructor?” I said, “Yes, I’ll talk to the instructor.” Keep in mind, the instructor is why I chose this ranch. This guy is supposed to be a horse guru. [counting on his fingers as he says…] He was gonna teach us how to physically control the horse. He was gonna teach us the verbal commands, and he personally was gonna take us on the trail. Problem with this guy is he cannot speak English, people, okay? I can’t make this shit up. This is the speech that he gave before we started the trail. Word for word. He goes, [with a creepy smile on his face and a strange raspy voice, laughing between most words] “Okay. Ooookkkkkaaaaaayyyyyyyy! Okay. Okayyy! Okay. Okay. [gibberish] [moving his arms and legs in for emphasis] Like that! Go, fat guy, kick it! Mmm! Like that, kick twice. Mmm! Like that. All right, let’s ride.” “What the fuck did he say? Did you hear what he said? “Hey, man, you gotta say it again for me. I didn’t understand what you said.” This is how I knew it was bullshit. He said the same thing in the exact same way. He said, “Okay. Ooookkkkkaaaaaayyyyyyyy! Okay. Okayyy! Okay. Okay. [gibberish] [moving his arms and legs in for emphasis] Like that! Go, fat guy, kick it! Mmm! Like that, kick twice. Mmm! Like that. All right, let’s ride.” I said, “We’re gonna fucking die. We’re about to die.” My friend said, “Kev, stop bitching. Let’s just go.” Keep in mind, I have no stability. My feet are just dangling [swaying his legs] from the side of the horse. I have nothing to hold on to, except this little stump thing in the middle of the fucking saddle. I said, “Fine, I ain’t gonna say shit else. Let’s go.” My horse starts to trot. He’s not running, people. He’s trotting. I have no balance, so [swaying his legs again] I’m all over the place. I’m like this, right? My feet kicked the horse in the stomach. That’s a sign for your horse to speed up. My horse takes off. [wide eyed] Listen to me, people. This n i g g a took off! Now, I’m scared, ’cause I don’t know what to do with my feet. [holing his feet out strait] At one point in time, I panicked, had my feet on his neck. Like, I was like this, right? [bouncing up and down with his legs still extended and a scared look on his face] I was like this. But I couldn’t hear shit, ’cause the wind was blowing. It was like… [moving his hand past his head and blowing into the mic] I hear my friends in the back. They’re like… “Ohhhhhhhhhhhh! Ohhhhhhh!” I don’t know what they’re saying. I assume that they’re saying, “Let go.” That’s what I think they’re saying, “Let go.” [spreading out his hands] So I said, “Fuck it! Jesus, take the wheel.” Right? I roll off like a black-ass tumbleweed. Bap-bap-bap-bap-bap. My… [Hart laughs] The horse keeps going. My friends and my brother, the instructor, everybody pulls up next to me. It’s at a point where I’m pissed. I’m like, “Yo, I’m not doing this shit no more. I’m out. Fuck this trail. I’m done. I’m going back, I’m getting my kids, I’m walking back to the hotel.” My boy, Spank, was like, “Kev, you can’t fucking walk back. We’ve been riding for 25 minutes. It’s gonna take you, like, an hour to walk back.” I said, “Fine.” I looked at the instructor, I said, “Well, you’re gonna take me. You’re gonna take me back right now.” [reaching down and pulling up] He puts his arm down like this, grabs me, pulls me, picks me up, puts me on the back of his horse. This is why I will never ride a horse again in my life, people. For 25 minutes, for 25 goddamn minutes, I’m on the back of this n i g g a’s horse. [moving his body like he is riding uncomfortably and awkward] [crowd laughs] I turn around, my friends think it’s funny. They’re taking pictures, right? [clicking his fingers like he is taking a picture] I said, “Put the camera up! [waving his hand up and down] Put the goddamn camera up!” The instructor kicked the horse in the stomach, the horse starts running. He reaches around, grabs my lower back. [Grabbing behind himself] He starts pulling me in, right? [making a thrusting movement] Now, I’m scared, so I can’t let go, [hugging himself] so I’ve got my arms around his stomach. I’m fucking the shit out of this n i g g a in his back. He speed up, I speed up. I gave him, like, 75 pops. The shit that pissed me off, while I’m in mid-pump, he’s gonna turn around and go, [turning to the side] “Let’s ride.” I said, “Man, get the fuck off of me.” [stands up and raises his hand]

[crowd cheers]

New York, it’s been real. My name is Kev Hart. I fucking love y’all, man. I appreciate you. Thank you. Get fire on these bitches one more time, man. [fire from backstage] Thank you, New York. [bows]

[crowd continues to cheer]

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Before I go, I’m gonna end on a fucking note from the heart right now. Uh… And I’m gonna try not to be a bitch and get emotional up here. Dude, I am now one of few to fucking perform as a standup comedian in Madison fucking Square Garden. [getting emotional]

[crowd cheers]

Hey.. Listen to me. Listen to me. You have no idea the fucking feeling that I have going through my body right now, man. This is a fucking dream come true. [crowd cheers] Hey, this is a fucking dream come true, man. Thank you for being loyal. Thank you for growing with me. Thank you for fucking enjoying me. My name is Kev Hart, I love y’all.

[raises his hand and walks off stage to the same hip hop song from walking on]


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Nikki Glaser: Someday You'll Die (2024)

Nikki Glaser: Someday You’ll Die (2024) | Transcript

Nikki Glaser explores a variety of personal topics, such as her choice not to have children, the stark realities of aging, her sexual fantasies, and her thoughts on mortality—all presented in her characteristically hilarious, unapologetic, and brutally honest style.

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