Premiered March 10, 2023
In “The Hustler,” premiered on March 10, 2023, Kelsey Cook delivers a robust comedy special filled with relatable and edgy humor. Cook’s narrative is deeply personal, touching on her divorce right before the COVID-19 pandemic and the amusing yet poignant realities of separating lives that were intimately intertwined. She navigates through the complexities of post-divorce life, friendship with an ex, and the challenges of dating again with a blend of sarcasm and sincerity. Cook also delves into topics like the absurdities of modern relationships, sexuality, and personal quirks, all while maintaining a candid and approachable demeanor. Her reflections on societal norms, personal growth, and the universal quest for connection resonate through a mix of sharp wit and raw honesty, providing a compelling look at the comedic side of human vulnerability and resilience.
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[Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, Kelsey Cook.
Denver, how are we feeling? Wow. Thank you guys so much for coming out. Feels so good to be back in the land of hot outdoorsy couples. Look at all of you. It’s a treat for my eyeballs. I love it. Except I could never tell with you Denver dudes, if you’re actually hot or if you just have facial hair. You know what I mean? You guys always have a hat, mustache, beard, an IPA blocking your nose and mouth. I’m like, are you attractive? Or are you just covering 90% of your face? Because we all think that cats are cute, until you see a hairless cat. And then you’re like, kill it with fire. No, anytime I’ve seen one I’ve been like, “Is it sick?” And the owner’s always like, no, we actually paid $5,000 for him, so… I’m like, “For Gollum with a collar? Why?” Could have just blown my nose into Kleenex and handed it to you for free. And it looks the same. It’s just runny shapes. I don’t like it.
I’m glad you guys came out. I know that everybody’s had a really crazy past couple years. I had an especially crazy 2020. I actually got divorced a week before COVID hit.
[Audience] Ooh.
Yeah, so who’s ready for some comedy? Oh, and I just start crying? No, it’s okay.
I think the craziest part about getting divorced, is having to change your emergency contact back to your mom. It would be less embarrassing to use a stranger from Craigslist. Truly. But other than that, it went pretty smoothly. Like, we still have a lot of love and respect for each other. He’s also a comedian, so we didn’t have a lot of assets to split up. It’s not like there was a summer house and a boat. It was like, “Do you want the Batman Begins DVD? Who gets the good spatula?”
And after some time had passed, we decided that we were gonna try and be friends again. And that’s always a little weird, the first time you try hanging out with an ex as a friend. When he saw me, he fist-bumped me. I was like, “Well honestly, I would rather have you fist me.” That would feel less physically uncomfortable. Than this nightmare just put us through, hated that. Absolutely not.
And I’ve had the deadly peanut allergy for most of my life. So, for the eight years we were together, he had to stop eating peanut products. Because if he did and then kissed me, my throat could close. So, when I saw him, I was like, “Oh, what’s it like to eat peanut butter again?” He goes, “Oh man, we should have broken up a long time ago.” I don’t even blame him. Have you had peanut butter? I can’t compete with that. I hate that the person I’m with has to give that up. That puts way too much pressure on me to be worth the trade off, right? Like, you’re gonna rob a man of Reese’s for the rest of his life? Bitch, you better be pretty open-minded in the bedroom. I’m gonna make a man stop swallowing something delicious. Well, get ready to start swallowing something gross. You gotta fill the void that Snickers left. Missionary with the lights off ain’t gonna cut it anymore. So, had to learn some new moves and watch some tutorials. It’s what I call porn. It’s just educational for me now. I just watch with a little notepad like, “Oh, pretend to gag.” Seems good.
I do think it’s easy when you get married to stop trying as hard in bed, but God, if you get divorced and you start trying to date again, it’s like having to come back outta retirement. You know? It’s like you gotta start stretching, get ready to run another BJ 5K. Like, “No, I just did this.” And somebody moved the finish line back another 10 years. Ugh. Can’t even see it.
Do we have any married people here tonight? That was a pretty sad sound. You guys were faking it a little bit. Like, eh, some of you just treated it like a silent auction. You were like… Just so sad.
Anybody here been married for a really long time? Like, over 20 years? You guys are so cute. How long have you been married? 21? Give it up for 21. That’s a long time. Yeah. So, you guys get it. If you’ve been working the same job for over two decades, you start to cut some corners. Right? But if it is your first week at a new blowjob, you are hustling. You just start- I’m sure you dudes have figure it out by now, that the best blowjob you ever get from us is the first blowjob. Because women, we’re so competitive. We know that you’re about to compare us to every other one you’ve ever had. So, we just enter the arena that night like… I will be queen. Gimme that. We pull out all our tips and tricks, hurt our knees, throw our back out. We want a trophy. We will give head to get ahead.
But then you get married and you start to treat blowjobs like you’re assembling Ikea furniture. And just skip a few steps. And by the end you’re like, “Next time I’m hiring somebody else to do this.” A little righty, tighty, lefty, loosey, let’s get the hell outta here. We gotta go to Costco.
I tried to avoid the whole post-breakup identity crisis. One of my friends went through a breakup and she got this dramatic haircut afterward as a revenge move against her ex.
She’s like, “If he sees me, he’s gonna know he missed out on this whole other me.”
Like, a guy has ever seen a haircut and been like… “I never got to fuck asymmetrical lob Lisa.” Bullshit.
You guys never know when we change our hair, right? You’re not even observant of yourselves. Before the divorce, I was cuddling with my ex and I felt like my leg had been stabbed. I looked down, his toenails looked like he cut them with his teeth. They’re all jagged. Like he could unlock a secret door in a haunted house. I was like, “Do you have a best friend with a matching jagged toenail? You put them together and make a best friend necklace? Is that what you’re doing?” I’m turning stone to a prison shiv. And I was like, “What is this?” He goes, “I just didn’t notice.” Oh, I sure did. When you shanked my achilles tendon. And I’m bleeding out.
Because I feel like this stuff only gets worse with you guys with age. Like, we’ve all seen the really old men with thick tufts of raccoon hair growing out of their ears. I’m sure that guy’s wife has been telling him to trim it for years and he just can’t hear her. Like, “What?” It’s like yelling into a fan. It’s coming right back in your face.
I just sat next to a very old man on a plane recently, and I had my notebook out. And he leans over and goes, “It’s nice to see somebody writing and not on their phone.” And I was like, “Aw, he doesn’t know I’m writing jokes about cum.” I was like, “Oh, suddenly Candy Crush doesn’t seem so bad, huh, Wendell?” When I booped him, booped him on the nose. Love that Wendell.
Does feel a little weird to start over now in my thirties, but at least I know now what I like and don’t like in a relationship. For example, I don’t care how hot you are, I’m still never going to eat your ass. Not a fan of the Devil’s Chocolate. No thank you. And I’m fair about it. I don’t ask anybody to eat mine neither. Okay? There’s no need, women have a lot of holes down there. It’s like a mini golf course. Just skip the one that’s in a lagoon. Just… Don’t even look at it.
I have never wanted to do that to one of you guys. Most of you dudes have real blue collar assholes. Not a lot of maintenance going on back there. That thing works at Lowe’s. I don’t trust it. It’s like blindly sticking your face between two couch cushions. There’s just goldfish crackers, and part of a broken Christmas ornament. It’s a choking hazard, frankly. I’m not gonna swallow a paperclip so you can cum a new way. And that is a joke I wrote next to Wendell on the plane. Now you know.
And I don’t know if I’m alone in this, but I didn’t even hear about eating ass until later on in life. And when I did, I was like, “Why is that even on the menu?” Because as women, you wanna seem like you’re like cool and dirty and down for anything, but it’s poop. Like that’s not even in the same universe of things that turn me on, right? Like, that’s like going to Disneyland and one of the rides is beekeeping. You’re like, “What?” That sounds terrible and dangerous. Like, I don’t understand how the people who are eating ass all the time aren’t getting violently ill. I have been washing my produce for 32 years to avoid E. coli, but I’m supposed to take my mouth and go straight to the source? Just drink from the hose? I don’t trust you dudes to wash a frying pan correctly, let alone your assholes. Not dying at 32 from Brad’s butt hole. Dreams and goals to accomplish.
Have you guys been drinking tonight? Yeah? Wow, you’re fucking hammered, Christ. Knocked me backward. Some of my friends actually got sober during quarantine, and if I’m being honest with you, I found it unacceptable. I was like, “Uh, I just got divorced. I need you to ramp it up with me. Now is not the time for you to be a better person. Okay? You’re actually being selfish. So…”
Some of ’em took the AA quiz online, so I took it with ’em and it turns out it makes everybody sound like they’re an alcoholic. The first question is, “Have you ever used alcohol to alter your mood?” Like, is there any other reason? Who’s like, “No, I’m in it for the acne and diarrhea.” I’m a purist. The second question is, “After consuming alcohol, have you ever done something you’ve regretted?” Do you mean literally every time? Who’s getting drunk and doing the Lord’s work? I’ve never had five margaritas and been like, “All right, time to donate blood.” Got to pass this party on someone in need.
My biggest regrets stem from alcohol. When I was in college, I used to take shots of gin and chase them with deli meat. Yeah. You know you’re white trash when you’re cocktails involve ham. That is not great.
But I feel like if you’re broke in college, you form weird habits like that. Like if you don’t have a dishwasher, you try and cook using as few dishes as possible. Okay? I wanna know if you guys do this, like if you want banana on your cereal, but you don’t wanna get a knife dirty, do you ever just tear pieces off with your teeth and then… Oh. The creatures come out at night. Oh, yeah, I didn’t even know that was weird until my ex caught me doing it. And was like, “Are you mama birding yourself?” “You need to get some help.” I was like, “Uh, I learned this while I worked at IHOP, so I don’t wanna hear it.” Time is money, I’m being efficient. Okay?
Wow. I like that Disney villain laugh in the shadows. The fuck was that? I like that on the special, that’s good. Keep that weird shit up.
I did so much dumb drunk shit in college. At one point, my friends and I went to Vegas. I got hammered, ate a bunch of food, passed out, woke up the next morning, went to the pool, and when I looked down there was like white powdery stuff in my belly button. And I was like, “Oh God, did I do coke for the first time last night?” And so I touched it and I tasted it. And I was like, “Oh, Parmesan cheese.” My friends told me that apparently I ate seven slices of pizza, like a wild boar. And in the process just jumped a loose quarter cup of Parm down my shirt. And then let it collect in my belly button. Like some sort of Pizza Hut stripper.
So, made some really good choices in my life. I do think I made an actual good choice recently. I just quit being vegan after a year and a half of doing it. I’m back, baby. Back in these meat streets. Oh, man. Does it feel good to have friends again. Yeah. No one wants you around. My ex-husband and I, we went vegan together on January 1st, 2020. And then two months later we were divorced. Am I saying that veganism ruins marriages? Yeah, I am. I am. But if we kept on eating nachos, we would’ve been too happy and too sleepy to notice our problems. There’s not a lot of divorce in the Midwest. People think it’s religion. It’s cheese curds. Cheese can do what God can’t. A couple hasn’t had sex in 20 years, but they eat a cheese curtain and go, “You know what? One more day.” I’ll think about divorce tomorrow, but right now, I’m gonna face-fuck this cheddar. I’m gonna get lost in this plate.
So I just saw something online that burned my eyes. I just found out that I’m on Wiki Feet. Does anybody here know what Wiki Feet is? A few of you nodding. A lot of dudes that are like, “Don’t make eye contact with me right now.” If you don’t know what Wiki Feet is, it’s a website for people with foot fetishes. So women, if you post a photo on Instagram that shows your little tootsies, the foot folks might do a copy and paste onto Wiki Feet, and then zoom in on your toes and make their keyboard sticky. I know. It’s like scrapbooking for men who need Jesus. It’s a nice hobby.
I know that sounds like I’m kink-shaming. I’m really not trying to, honestly, I am so jealous that some people can get off from that. Like, I wish I could just stare at a dude’s hairy kneecap. And get tingles in my basement. What a life. I would live on Wiki Knees. Oh, I would get nothing done. So much harder than that.
So somebody told me that there’s this profile of me on Wiki Feet. And at first when I heard that, I was like, “Oh, does that mean I have hot feet? Hmm. I’m so flattered.” Then I went and looked. I saw that the foot fetish community has rated my feet only 2.3 out of five stars. Which they call “okay feet”. I was like, “Oh, apparently I have Applebee’s feet.” It’s like, you’ll put it in your mouth, but you won’t tell anybody about it. And about two for Tuesday deal.
And a few months before the pandemic hit, some dude slid into my DMs and just said, “Two grand for foot vid.” Now, Denver, make some noise if you would send a video of your feet to a stranger for $2,000?” Godless animals. All of ya. My ears, Jesus. Some of you just throw your areola up on Facebook for a dollar. Aunts and uncles seeing it, you don’t give a shit. You’re like, “Venmo me my dollar, aunt Sherry, I earned this. This is a solid nip.”
Well, I appreciate your honesty. I wasn’t quite as sure about it as all of you were. I was like, “I don’t know this guy. He’s gonna have a video of my feet for the rest of his life? It’s too weird. I’m not doing it.” But then COVID hit. And I lost all my comedy work. So two days later I wrote him back. I got desperate so fast. I was like, “All right, man, two grand from my feet. I’m ready. Let’s do it.” And he never responded. I got ghosted by the foot guy. Do you know how humiliating it feels to lower your morals and your values? Only to have a foot guy be like, “No, I’m good now.” You’re like, “What? What happened?” It’s like the smelly kid coming up to you at prom and you’re like, “Ugh, all right, fine. One dance.” And he is like, “I was just gonna ask you where the bathroom is.” You’re like, “Fuck you, Travis.” Get outta here. Just trying to be nice.
I love my mom so much. She’s amazing. But she’s been trying to give me career advice, and none of it’s helpful. You know? She doesn’t understand that there are different levels of fame in comedy. She thinks that all comics are best friends. She’ll be like, “Why don’t you call Jerry Seinfeld?” And asked to do “Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee”? And I’m like, “Mom, I can’t even get a guy to jerk off to my feet.” Let’s lower our expectations. Like, this is where my career is at. I have a foosball web series on YouTube. Okay? I’m like here. When my mom heard that, she goes, “You know who I bet would love to do your YouTube show? Ellen DeGeneres.” And I was like, “Aw, you bet, huh? Well, let’s put some money on it, ’cause I bet she fucking wouldn’t.” If I win, you have to let me back on your cell phone plan.
She’s always trying to find ways to get me on television. Like when she heard I was getting divorced, she sent me a text that said, “Now that you’re single you can go on The Bachelor or Miss America.” I was like, “Yeah, ’cause marriage is what was holding me back. From becoming Miss America.” I’m pretty sure part of the qualifications include, “Hasn’t been paid in jello shots to tell dick jokes.” So I don’t think I’m getting it.
I was talking about the foosball web series. So my entire family and I are actually world-champion foosball players. Thank you. Thank you. I know it sounds made up, I swear it’s real. My parents met playing at a professional foosball tournament in the eighties. So I literally wouldn’t exist if it weren’t for foosball. Which is sad. But, you know, some of you wouldn’t exist if it weren’t for boxed wine. So it’s like, “Yeah, whatever.” We’re all a little garbage. Let’s not judge each other.
It gets weirder. Not only is my dad a pro-foosball player, he’s also a slam poetry champion. And an international yo-yo man. Yeah, my dad has the sex appeal of fanny pack. Crushing it. And my mom is in the foosball hall of fame, and they’ve been training me to play since I was like two years old. But since no one suspects that I’m a pro-foosball player, I love to hustle people, right? And so I usually play against other comedians on my web series. But we did this special episode where I went undercover in Vegas, and I hustled drunk dudes on the Vegas Strip. So I wore this low-cut top, I talked in the worst voice, and my camera crew and I would go up to groups of guys and I’d go, “Hi, my name’s Kelsey. And I have this web series where I do things that I’ve never done before for the first time.” “It’s called Pop My Cherry.” “It’s silly, you know? So I’ve never played foosball before, and we just found this table, and I was just wondering if you guys wanna play me.”
And every group of guys is like, “Hell yeah, bitch, let’s go.”
“Yeah. Play right now.”
So I would play the first game terribly on purpose, right? I would giggle a bunch, spin the rods a lot, really build up their confidence. And then I go, “Okay, so I think I’ve got the hang of it now, and this is Vegas, so we should play for money.”
And every guy would put their whole wallet on the table.
And they’d hand me the ball and go, “Here, you can serve first.”
And that’s when I pull out my foosball grip glove. Check mate, motherfucker.
Yeah, I’ve never done cocaine, but I would assume it’s a similar rush. I’ve only done Parmesan cheese. Which… Also exhilarating. And a lot cheaper.
So I mentioned that my ex and I, we were together for a really long time. So we knew so much about each other. But one thing that he didn’t know about me until toward the end, I told him that sometimes I pee in the shower. And by sometimes I mean every time. And don’t you guys act like you not do it too. We are all swamp monsters. There is no drug in the history of time with a higher addiction rate than peeing in the shower. Okay? You think you’re better than that, you think you’re above doing it, and then you let yourself do it one time. And you’re like, “Well, I guess I’m doing this every day for the rest of my life.” It is the best. I feel like I’m on vacation every day. Just carefree living. And I thought that he and I were gonna bond over it. You know? Like maybe we had the same dirty little secret. And instead he was like, “What? Oh, gross. That means every time I shower I’ve just been standing in your pee.”
I was like, “I do it while I’m showering.” Like, the water takes it down the drain immediately. You’re acting like I walk into our bathroom, drop my pants, stand in the shower, and just on dry porcelain like a serial killer. And then get out, put my pants back on, and just leave you a puddle of urine like a feral cat. I was like, “I’m gonna start peeing on your pillow, give you some real problems.” This is nonsense.
One of my friends told me that apparently we’re all supposed to throw our pillows away once a year and get new ones. You guys been doing that? Feels good to be gross together, huh? We all have such a weird attitude toward pillows, ’cause they cost like 10 bucks, but we all keep the same disgusting pillows for decades. Like it’s the Great Depression. Like we’re some old prospector like, “Well, this here’s the pillow they gave me at the orphanage and I’ll be God damned if this ain’t the same pillow I die with.” Why?
Pillows and towels, right? Like, we never get rid of towels. They just eventually become the ones you like dry the dog with. Why are you holding onto so many? Do we all think we’re gonna have like a home birth someday? I’m gonna stop some stuff up.
My grandparents’ towels are historical artifacts at this point. I don’t know if you’ve visited your elders recently. They have washcloths that look like they were woven from wheat. I’m like, “Did this belong to Jesus?” I feel like I’m drying my face with a Triscuit. My eyelids are bleeding.
So I got on dating apps for the first time last year. And they let me onto the celebrity dating app, which listen, obviously they use the term celebrity real loosely. Okay? If they saw my Wiki Feet, they’d be like, “Absolutely not. We got… She can’t sit with us.” Yeah, they let in somebody who’s 32 and still shops at Forever 21. So I for sure tricked them.
I know that store is trash, but I just can’t stop going. I just love it so much. The last time I was there, I told the girl at the register that I found a makeup stain on this tank top I wanted. And I asked if I could get a discount. And she just stared at me with dead eyes and was like, “It’s already only 2.99.” Like, “Do you want us to just give you the tank top?” “And pay off your student loans?” “This is Forever 21, everything’s stained. It’s basically an animal shelter.”
God, I love that store. The first date I went on through the celebrity app was such a disaster. I went out with this guy who was from Europe originally. So he had this really thick European accent. And some of the words he said sounded like other words. So he is telling me about his cat and he goes, “Yeah, no, I love my cat, but he rapes my shirts.” And my brain was like, “That can’t be right.” Nope. So I sat with it for a second and I was like, “Oh, oh, he rips your shirts. Okay, sorry, I just- I thought you said that he rapes your shirts.” And with zero hesitation, this dude goes, “Yeah, no, he rapes my shirts. And I don’t understand why because he’s neutered, but he will not stop raping my shirts. So…” “Then I had to hide my shirts, and then I gave him a blanket, and now that’s his rape blanket.” And I’m like, “What the fuck?” Am I on a hidden camera show? Where if this dude says rape 18 times before dessert, he wins a jet ski? Is this one of Ted Bundy’s kids? What? I just started covering all my holes. I was like, “I don’t like this. This is a bad, bad vibe.”
So I was like, “All right, I’m gonna give this five more minutes.” So he starts telling me that he goes on boats a lot. And I was like, “Oh, you ever worry about shark attacks?” And I swear to God, he goes, “Yeah, no, you don’t really have to worry about sharks so much, but you do have to worry about dolphins, because they are the rapists of the sea.” I was like, “All right, I’m out of here.” Bye. Enjoy the jet ski, I’m sure he won. Lunatic.
That was my first dating app experience. Fortunately, it’s been better since then. I’m seeing a guy in his forties now. He has adult children. Okay? He has lived more life than I have. He knows more things. And I told him that I was hesitant to hook up with him the first time because I was on my period. And he goes, “I don’t get why guys are ever grossed out by that. You’re just shutting your uterine lining.” I was like, “That is the hottest thing that anybody’s ever said to me.” I didn’t even know that’s what happens during my period. I was like, “Okay, Grey’s Anatomy.” Who are you? The bar was set real low after ol’ rape blanket. So… I’m gonna just do a gentle hop over into my heart, you know? With your Snapple fun facts about periods.
I don’t know any of those things. Somebody could come up to me on the street with a microphone and be like, “Ma’am, for a million dollars, what happens during your period?” And I’d be like, “I’m gonna go with the egg is melting.”
They’d be like, “Were you homeschooled?”
My parents are playing foosball, I don’t know. They didn’t teach me these things.
He’s also the first guy I’ve ever been with who has had a vasectomy. So I had some questions about that. I was like, “When you finish, is it clear?” Like that white Gatorade flavor? Just have glacier frost on tap? What’s going on? I’m just trying to prepare myself. I was like, “Does it taste better when there aren’t kids in it?”
It’s like, or maybe it’s just air, right? Like one of those pressurized keyboard dusters. It was like, “Whoosh.” She’s like, “Oh.” Startles you. You got to point it away or you’ll lose an eye. You maybe fix a tire.
Finally I just went Bill Nye on his ass. I was like, “I am blowing you in the name of science.” This is field research at this point. And turns out it’s like normal. I guess it’s kind of like Beyond Burger. Like, it looks the same. And then once it’s in your mouth you’re like, “Something’s missing.” This is like diet cum. It’s another joke I wrote next to Wendell. He… Yeah, he got an eyeful in that flight. Saw some things.
A lot of my friends are getting engaged and married right now. And one of them just had an engagement party with her fiance. And they played one of those games where they have signs that say, “Him and her,” and they held them up when they got asked questions like, “Who’s the better cook? Hm?” Who takes longer to get ready? We’re all just like, Oh my god. I’m like, you guys are getting married, let’s get into some real shit, like who has a drinking problem? Who’s settling? I’m like, let me run this game, huh? And we’ll call it “Getting Cold Feet”. Let’s test drive this son of a gun.
So one of the things that I learned that was hard in going from being married and living with somebody for eight years, into being single and living alone is that no one touches you anymore. And I know it sounds weird to say it like that, but if you live with somebody, there’s like a fair amount of touching that happens throughout the day. So my lowest point in quarantine, I started watching ASMR videos on YouTube where a girl would hold a hairbrush up to the camera lens and she would simulate that she was brushing your hair. And I would just ram my forehead up against my laptop. Like, “Uh, pet me Rachel. You dirty bitch.”
As soon as businesses opened up, I made all of the touching appointments. I was like, I’m getting a massage, I’m getting a manicure. Look, I made a dentist appointment just ’cause I missed feeling somebody in my mouth. Okay? Don’t you judge me. It was hard. My dentist is this like 65-year old Armenian man. I was like, “Floss it up, daddy.” Use your toys. He was like, “I prefer you call them tools.” I was like, “Dmitri, I need this. Hush your lips. Just tell me when to spit.”
One of the appointments I had made was for a bikini wax. And I had been going to salons before COVID to get bikini waxes. I had tried doing some of those like at home kits, and I just learned that there are some parts of my nethers that I do not have the strength of spirit to wax myself. Listen to me, if you can wax your own lips, you’re a psychopath. That is some Steve-O Jackass-level masochism. I want no part of it.
So I’d been going to the salons, and then the salons closed for six months and things got scary. There’s so many beautiful women here tonight. I feel like a lot of women started 2020 with like a landing strip and by July it was just a full airport. You can land anywhere. There’s a Cinnabon and a Panda Express. There’s a shuttle that takes you to a rental car lot. I mean… Employees, W-9s, it’s a lot going on.
So finally the salons opened back up and I immediately made an appointment. And I remembered there’s that rule that the hair has to be at least a quarter inch long in order for the wax to be able to pick it up.
[Audience Member] Oh my God.
And… Do we need a medic? Are you okay? Are you… Too much for you? She’s like, “It’s a 7:30 show, I didn’t know what this was.” I… I don’t like hockey, and we had a Groupon, but she’s… She’s like, “This is not the Christian way.”
I’m sorry. Oh, yeah. So I remembered there’s that rule that the hair has to be at least a quarter inch long in order for the wax to be able to pick it up. And I looked down and was like, “Well, that’s not gonna be a problem.” But for the first time in my life I worried that maybe it’s bad if the hair is longer than a quarter inch. So I called the salon. So embarrassing. I was like, “Hey. I have an appointment today, it’s been a rough quarantine. Is there like a maximum hair requirement?”
And this poor girl just goes, “I mean, how long are we talking?”
And I wasn’t prepared to answer that. So I panicked and was like, “We could probably donate it.” No. Like, I don’t know if Locks of Love specifies which type of hair they accept, but maybe somebody needs fake eyelashes. I don’t know. We don’t- We don’t know where that hair comes from. I’ll just throwing ’em on and praying, but could be pubes. I don’t know.
Basically, I feel like a lot of us were walking around kind of looking like the opposite of a porn star in 2020, right? Which is totally fine. My friend Jay actually told me that my celebrity lookalike is this porn star named Jesse Rogers. So I googled her and the first picture that popped up was her doing hardcore anal. And got a little creeped out realizing that my friend Jay saw that and thought… “You know who this reminds me of? Ol’ gap and butthole, Kelsey.” Yeah. Oh, backdoor club, look at her go. A plus. What is the matter with you, Jay?
But by the way, it’s so nice to be able to tell that joke in person again, because I’ve had to to tell it on mostly virtual shows the past two years. And I realized that halfway through the joke, everybody would just open a new browser. It would just get really quiet and I’d be like, “Hello? Everybody, show me your hands. I don’t trust you. What are you doing?”
I had to check into a hotel on the road recently, and it was early in the morning. And the woman checking me on, which is a little older, and she goes, “I just have to tell you, you look so much like Amy Adams, huh? I don’t know if you ever hear that, but you really look like her.”
And it took all of my strength to not pull my phone out and be like, “You know who everybody else says I look like?” And just… Just really blast her with a B hole at 8:00 AM, I just… I couldn’t do it.
I do think that Jesse Rogers and I, we do look alike. We have some different hobbies. You know, I’ve never just sat on a lava lamp. For example. Like my ex-husband and I, we didn’t even buy a sex toy until seven years into the relationship. We had just been Flintstone-ing that shit. Just very little house on the prairie, just churning butter, very innocent. We ended up buying one of those vibrating wand things. And I gotta be honest, never liked it. Way too intense for me. Even on the lowest setting. This thing is like for blasting rocks. I was like, “Is this what you women have been using this whole time?” I barely touched it to my body, my feet lifted off the ground. I took flight. I was not turned on at all; I was terrified. I was like, “Did I just puree my clit? Oh my God. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.” This thing is meant for industrial kitchens. Okay? It’s for liquefying raw vegetables. It’s crazy.
So I ended up asking some of my friends about it, and it turns out that they have this toy and they use it on the highest setting in order to have an orgasm. I was like, “How have you not completely erased your vagina?” Just sanded it down to a smooth slab of granite. Like a Barbie crotch. Yeah, go bowling on it.
And something I’ve learned about you dudes is that a lot of you guys like stuff that vibrates too. So one night before the divorce, my ex and I were out drinking. I’d had a few gin and hams. As you do. And when we got home, I was just feeling a little extra spicy. So I decided to crank it to 10 just to see what would happen. And the moment I touched it to his junk, his balls… Woo. Went up inside his body. I didn’t even know they could do that. I was just staring at him like… Do they stay up there until you sneeze really hard? How do you get them back? Have to do a hard man Kegel? A couple minutes went by, didn’t see anything. I panicked. I started pushing on his belly bone really hard, like… Kinda trying to eject quarters out of a skeeball machine. I was like, “Come on, get outta there.”
Another few minutes, still nothing. I was like, “Oh, I think those are ovaries now. I’m sorry.” “I think I gave you an accidental gender change.” Oops.
So I’m in therapy. Anybody here in therapy? Oh, wow. That’s a nice response. Usually it’s just one person that’s like, “Help.” Let’s talk to you. Yeah, I think therapy is amazing. But I guess not everybody always needs therapy. Some people do need therapy. And you can usually tell who those people are because they say things like, “I don’t need any fucking therapy. I prefer to be a burden to my loved ones.”
You’re like, “Uh, sir, this is an Arby’s. Why are you shouting? You’re alarming the children.”
I had to work on my self-worth in therapy, because I kept attracting some of the wrong people. One of my friends told me this quote, she said, “Once you know your worth, you’ll stop giving people discounts.”
And I was like, “Well, slap my tits and call me Groupon, baby.”
Boy, I’ve been out here like, “Hey, you got a personality disorder and no job? This pussy is 90% off. Hey. No credit, no problem. Get in here.”
That makes it sound like my life has been a dick buffet. It has not. I have a very low body count. I love that that’s what we call it, body count. Like we’re all just fucking people to death like… It sounds so System of a Down for no reason. You know?
I think I would have a higher body count if STDs didn’t exist, but I’m just so terrified to ever get one that I don’t wanna gamble. Like, I just can’t believe that in 2022, our best defense against them is still just condoms in the honor system. Scouts honor, bro. I’m like, “You lied about your height. I’m supposed to trust you on chlamydia? No.” Kick rocks. Get outta here.
I was reading online that some of the very first condoms back in the 1800s were really thick. Like they used to basically just cut up bike tires. And they’ve obviously gotten thinner over time, which I’m sure was a guy’s idea, you know? I bet the women back then were pissed. Like, “But keep it girthy. Keep that deep dish condom on. We don’t have electricity, this is the only joy I have.”
I had a woman come to one of my shows recently who I think was from the 1800s. She was very old. And she came up to me afterward and she was like, “I was a makeup artist for 30 years.”
And at this point I’m thinking, “Oh, I think she’s about to compliment my makeup. That’s so nice.”
And then she goes, “Your face was so oily when you were on stage. It was the only thing I could look at. The lights were hitting it so bright that I had to squint to look at you.”
And that’s when I heard my brain say, “Well, tonight’s the night we go to jail for throat-punching someone’s nana.”
Do you just hit a certain age where you walk around like, “Fuck it, burn it to the ground.”
And just traumatizing people? I’m like, “Who is this woman’s poor husband?” You know? We gotta save them. I just picture him getting outta the shower and she’s like, “Your balls make me sick.”
Of course, I didn’t say any of that to her. I was just like, “What powder do you recommend?” I have no backbone.
I’ve also become self-conscious of this very specific thing. Did you girls have that dress code in middle school were you had to wear shorts that were longer than the length of your fingertips to your sides? Okay, all right. To prevent girls from wearing booty shorts. So that was the day I learned I have freakishly long arms. For my short height. I’m only five four. All the girls had a lineup and we put our arms down, and I don’t know if you can see what’s happening right now. I’ll show you on this side too. But I did this and I looked down and I was like, “Oh, no. I’m gonna have to wear men’s JNCO jeans. To not get expelled.” I’m just rolling into home back with my chain wallet and lugs like… Let’s bake these muffins, Diane. The third member of the Insane Clown Posse.
I don’t know much about the Insane Clown Posse, but it does make me laugh picturing those guys having to take their makeup off at the end of the night. Because they just, they seem so tough on stage. Like, “I’m gonna stab this dude and bang your chick.” And then two hours later they’re like, “These Neutrogena wipes are lovely. Oh. They don’t burn my eyes.”
So before I started headlining, I used to open on tour for a comedian named Jim Norton. Anybody here Jim Norton fan? Nice. Got some Jim heads in the house. So Jim’s favorite thing to do is to humiliate people. And I made the mistake of telling him that I embarrass very easily for a comedian. And he just milked that every day for three years on tour. When we were in public, he would constantly accuse me of shoplifting. We would be checking out at a CVS pharmacy, and just deadpan, in front of the cashier, he would turn to me and go, “Are you not gonna pay for all the things in your purse?” I would just start shivering like a shelter chihuahua. Like I would just end up paying for a lipstick that I’ve owned for five years. I was like, “Just take my money. I’m so sorry.” I hate this. It was traumatizing.
By far, the most embarrassing thing he would do, he would do with his bodyguard, we traveled with this seven-foot tall guy named Kenny. Picture Frankenstein with less people skills. Just an oaf. And I don’t know if you women have ever ordered anything on victoriassecret.com, but sometimes you get that free tote bag with purchase. If you have even a shred of self-respect, you immediately throw it in the garbage where it belongs. I used it as my day-to-day purse for seven years. I have no dignity. And says “Victoria’s Secret” in big letters on the sides, like it’s very obnoxious. And I would travel with this. So when we were on tour, we’d have to get to the airport at five in the morning. And you guys know how you look at the airport at 5:00 AM, right? Just greasy, disheveled, gross. So I’d look like that, and I’d have this bag. And everybody’s just quietly shuffling about the airport. And all of a sudden, his bodyguard would shout, “Victoria’s Secret model coming through.”
And everybody, and I mean everybody, would stop and look at me wide-eyed and then go… Do you know how quickly your self-esteem goes in the toilet when you can watch a hundred people decide in half a second, “No, she’s not.” Like, “Oh, right.” She’s gonna go walk into traffic now. Thanks.
So I’m from Washington state originally, and they just passed this new legislation that is banning schools from continuing to use Native American mascots, which is great. And the high school I went to, our mascot was the Black Hawks. And it takes a linguistic specialist to tell the difference between somebody saying Black Hawks… And black cocks. And let me tell you, it was pretty wild growing up, going to football games and watching a dozen cheerleaders shout to a stand of parents, “We love Black Hawks, yes we do. We love Black Hawks, how about you?”
And then watching everybody on the other team be like, “What the fuck?” It’s like the mating call of the Kardashians.
So I had my bachelorette party down in Vegas, and we went to the Magic Mike live show. Has anybody here mention of the Magic Mike live show? Oh, we got a few. Oh, are you still wet? Hey.
Girl, it is crazy what happens at this show. They brought it back during COVID, which surprised me because if we are concerned about droplets, women are gushing fluid at this show. Medically it’s a problem. Okay? It changes the humidity in the room. Women with straight hair leave with curly hair. It’s like a Rainforest Cafe in there. That air is thick. Three Cs. But now that the show’s back, you gotta go. Oh, it is the cream of the cock, just… Chef’s kiss.
For two hours, these oiled-up six packs just grind the stage and they sing to you, they like the cream off your body, and then they bring some women on stage, and then they take your top off, and then they take your pants off, and then they fuck you.
No, I’m kidding. I just wanna see how far you guys were going with me on that part. Did you hear how quiet it got here? Could you feel every woman just slowly leaning further forward her seat, like… Pulling out her phone, checking flights to Vegas. “Taxi.” Were you like, “Was I in the bathroom when that happened? How’d I miss that?”
No, they don’t do that, that’d be pretty dope. Probably charge a lot more for tickets. But you do get a lot for your money. At the end of the show they do bring some women on stage and then they put you in harnesses, and they put one of the guys beneath you, and you get to like ride the men into the sky like, “Free Willie.”
They get you hornier than you’ve ever been in your entire life. And then they just set you loose. Back into the wild.
Single dudes, if you were ever trying to fuck in Vegas, just go stand outside the Magic Mike exit. Like a catcher. We’re running outta there, holes open like a starfish, ready to go. Oh. That’s something TripAdvisor doesn’t tell you, and that’s what I’m here for. I’m like your a creepy uncle. I’m just helping you get laid.
I would like to go back to the show, but not for anything wedding-related, because there’s usually two types of women that go. The host comes out and he goes, “All right ladies, make some noise if you’re here for a bachelorette party.”
There’s a bunch of young 20 something girls that are like: “Oh my god, penises, woo.”
And then the host goes, “All right, now who here’s celebrating a divorce?”
And it’s just one table of women in their forties like, “Gimme your dick.” You’re like, “Oh my God.”
Thank you guys so much for coming out tonight, Denver. You’ve been amazing. Thank you so much.
Welcome back to Pop My Cherry. Tell me what are the rules?
Well, basically shoot for the goal, throw in the middle and spin. And you try to-
Just spin it like as fast as you can?
Yeah, pretty much.
Am I going? Oh, I’m going that way.
Yeah, you’re going this way.
Do you guys wanna like make a bet or something? Like try and make it more like high stakes?
I’ll buy you a drink if you win, sure. Yeah. That’s fair.
Okay.
Damn. She really hustles.
She definitely knows what she’s doing. She’s a pro.
I hate you.
Yep.
One.
Two, three, go. One, two, three, go.
Whoa.
Again.
Come on. I’m not allowed to cuss you out?
Cuss me out?
You said you’re not allowed to-
There’s no ref here.
Fuck you.
[Announcer] Thank you very much.
