[rock music playing]
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome Joe Rogan.
[audience cheering and applauding]
What the f*ck is going on, San Francisco? Thanks for coming. I appreciate it! God damn! Put your phone down, f*ckface! I see you, b*tch! Put your phone down! Motherf*ckers. They can’t use their eyes. Everybody’s gotta live through their goddamn phone. Whoo! I’m high as f*ck. Whoo. It’s strange. I wasn’t sure if I was gonna do this sober. I’m like, “Ugh…” It’s not the move. Not in San Francisco. This is… I love pot, but the people that are making edibles need to slow the f*ck down. Oh, my God! What are you trying to do to people?
I had a pot gummy bear the other day. I think we can all agree a gummy bear shouldn’t be able to steal your soul. Right? How the f*ck are these people making these things, man? They’re not consistent. That’s also part of the problem. You don’t know what you’re getting, ’cause they’re not making them the same place where they make Tylenol. Nah, it’s some greasy dude with a Grateful Dead T-shirt on and a gray ponytail. He’s got a bowl of ingredients, and he can’t remember whether or not he put weed in yet. This dude’s time traveling, just back and forth. He just keeps chucking weed in there until it looks like lawn trimmings. You eat it, and it’s not what you’re looking for. It’s not regulated. You gotta ask questions. I asked a dude at the pot store. I go, “Hey, man, how strong are the gummy bears?” He goes… That’s not a unit of measurement. He’s like, “El diablo. El diablo.” “F*ck, man. How much should I take?” “Just the leg.” “Just the leg? Why are you selling whole bears? What the f*ck are you trying to prove, man?” They just watch you leave with that bear. They go, “Oh, shit.” They know. They know you’re not gonna die. You’re gonna think you’re gonna die, but everybody lives. Learn some shit.
We learn some shit from the scary trips. See, the thing about edibles, one of the problems with it being illegal, is that a lot of us don’t have a lot of information that we could use. Like, there’s a difference between smoking it and eating it. When you smoke it, you get THC. But when you eat it, it’s processed by your liver, and it produces something called 11-hydroxy metabolite that’s five times more psychoactive than THC. And it lets you talk to dolphins.
This is a real moment that changed my life. I was in Hawaii, and we were on a boat, and we were fishing. We were pulling these lines behind the boat, and I was so high, I was trying to figure out which way the Earth was spinning. Like, the boat’s going this way, and the sun’s up there. I’m like, “Um…” For like 20 minutes, I’m paralyzed. So, while this is all happening, these dolphins just show up. And if you’ve ever been around wild dolphins, they’re very trippy. It’s very different than you expect, because they look at you. They, like, check you out. They, like, pop out of the water and they, like, look at you… like a person, not like a f*cking deer or woodchuck. They look at you like another person. Granted, I was so high I thought I was gonna die, but… I’m making eye contact with these dolphins, and I started thinking, “How smart are these f*cking things?” Because we’re fishing. Dolphins eat fish. But you never catch dolphins. Ever. No one has ever gone fishing and accidentally caught a dolphin. And all I could think of while these dolphins were, like, hopping through the water, and looking at us and shit… I was thinking, “If people lived in the water, you’d f*cking catch ’em all day.” They wouldn’t even have to live in the water. If cheeseburgers just floated down Geary Street… at least once a week, a guy would be like, “I’m taking a chance.” And you see ’em getting yanked up to the clouds. “F*ck! We lost Billy!” The bottom of his sneakers in a puff of cloud.
You don’t catch dolphins on fishhooks, man. That’s weird. They’re around fishing all the time and like, “B*tch.” They’re f*cking smart. How smart? Well, I watched a dolphin documentary, and it said they have a cerebral cortex that’s 40% larger than a human being’s. I don’t know what that means, but if you say it right and don’t f*ck up the words, it makes you sound smarter than you really are. I think what it means is they have big f*cking brains. But we don’t think of them as being smart ’cause they don’t do what we do. Right? They don’t send e-mails. They don’t have houses. But if you lived in their world, you don’t need anything. You don’t need your fingers. No one’s typing. They have a language that’s so complex, we can’t understand it. All the food’s free. They stay where the water’s warm. I started thinking, “How f*cking smart are they? What if they’re exactly the same as us? What if it’s just some different branch of evolution? We went one way. They went the other. What if consciousness is the same?” I was thinking, “What if me to me is the same as me to a dolphin?” The way you think of yourself when you say the word “me.” I was like, “What if that’s exactly how a dolphin feels? They’re just living life through different biology, different genetics, different life experiences. But if I lived a dolphin’s life, I would be him. And if he lived my life, he would be me.” And then I started thinking, “What if that’s the case with people? What if everyone is exactly the same? We’re just living life through different bodies. What if that’s the secret of happiness? Treat everyone as if it’s you living another life.”
[audience cheering and applauding]
I mean… And then I thought, “God damn, how good is this weed I’m getting in California? Whoo! I’m on a f*cking floating craft out in the middle of the ocean, talking to water people.” The problem with treating everybody as if it’s you living another life is you wanna f*cking smack yourself. Half the people you meet, you just wanna f*cking smack ’em.
We live in the weirdest time ever. I mean, it’s the most awesome time ever. But it’s the weirdest time ever, too. We’re, like, that close to President Trump.
[man 2] No. Boo!
“No. Boo!” You boo, but you won’t vote, you f*cks! All those Bernie Sanders people, “Yo, Bernie’s the shit.” “Did you vote for him?” “Voting ain’t real, bro. It doesn’t even work, dude.” We are that close to President Trump. Bill Cosby’s a rapist, and Bruce Jenner’s a chick. We’re in an episode of Lost. Down is up and up is down! This is the type of world you get when you give kids participation trophies for getting their ass kicked in soccer games. This is the world we get! We get a goddamn Nerfed-up world filled with nonsense.
Nobody wants to be president. Nobody. I hope Hillary wins. That way we can realize chicks can’t do that f*cking job either. It’s a stupid job. It’s a stupid job invented back when people used to write with feathers. It’s dumb! It’s just some old-school shit that we need to get rid of. It doesn’t make any sense. Being president is great if there’s like 50 people. If there’s 50 people, you can figure out which one’s the best. Three hundred million people? I have three kids. I don’t know where the f*ck they are right now. How is this one dude in charge of 300 million people? It’s nonsense. It’s so old and stupid. They make this guy sleep in this f*cking White House. If Trump wins, you know his house is cooler than the White House. He’s like, “I’m not sleeping in that shitty-ass, stupid house.” Trump’s probably got, like, a tube at home that he opens up, and a Chinese girl just pops out of it, and sucks his dick and goes right back in. That’s what I would do if I had that kind of money. We’re down to assholes! Where’s Elon Musk when you need him? Where’s the f*cking geniuses? Where’s Mark Cuban? No. We got an old lady trying to get back at her husband for a blowjob he got in the ’90s. We got an old man who hates money. And we got a reality TV star with a plastic set of hair. You can’t have a president with environmental concerns, when every time this motherf*cker does his hair, we lose a foot of ozone layer and a polar bear bursts into flames. He’s got, like, a closet full of Aqua Net at home. You can’t pretend you don’t give a f*ck when you have that thing going on, dude. Stop that.
The White House got broken into while Obama was in office. The first time in over 100 years that someone broke into the White House. Also, the first time a girl was guarding the front door by herself. “What are you trying to say, that women can’t do everything men can do?” Exactly. That’s exactly what I’m saying. That seems sexist, right? People say, “You’re sexist.” No, it’s not sexist. Here’s why it’s not sexist. ‘Cause men can’t even do everything men can do. See? There’s no physical equality, folks. That’s why we have the Olympics. ‘Cause there’s people that can do some shit that you and I can’t do. One of those things is guarding the f*cking White House. I know I can’t guard the White House. You know how I know? Because I’ve met Shaquille O’Neal and his dick is where my face is. That’s not equality. That’s not white privilege. Listen, if the White House is experiencing a Shaq Attack, I’m the wrong dude to save the world. I did Fear Factor with Shaq. If we’re holding hands, it’d be like a six-year-old at the park with his dad. We’re barely the same thing. So, do I think women should guard the White House? No. I don’t think I should, either. It’s not sexist to say that women can’t do big physical labor things as good as giant men can. But people will tell you it is.
Well, I’m not sexist. As a matter of fact, my favorite people are all female. I have a wife and I have three daughters. They’re my favorite people in the world. But I could beat the f*ck out of all of them. Okay? Listen… If they’re guarding the door, I’m getting in. I don’t mean to sound cocky. But I’m just real confident. I could f*ck them up if I had the flu. Okay? Yeah, we’re different. We’re different. I could beat up my cat, too. I’m not proud of it. I just tell you what’s up. If you wanna bet money, bet money on me. I’ll f*ck that cat up. Most likely. Cats are f*cking weird like that, man. I was petting my cat once and he bit me. I was like, “Whoa! Are we gonna do this? What the f*ck are you doing here?” I got a little nervous. Got a little nervous. “Women can do everything men can do. This guy’s a piece of shit. We’re leaving. Too much information is going in that I don’t agree with!” “What the guy said was total bullshit. Total bullshit.”
How’d that girl get that job? I’ll tell you how that girl got that job. Because someone let her have that job. Which means, either there were a bunch of guys that were trying to f*ck her… or her boss was a chick and she hated her. Either one’s possible. Look, if there was a bunch of guys that were trying to f*ck her, that makes total sense. If there’s one hot girl and she’s working with five guys in an office, no work’s getting done in that office. That office is now just an audition to see which guy gets to f*ck her. Each one of those guys will just slowly start to morph to figure out what this girl likes. Men become like an octopus that tries to fit its way through a keyhole. “There’s gotta be a f*cking way. There’s gotta be a f*cking way!” You got this girl who’s like, “I could guard the front door.” “Oh, you could definitely guard the door. No doubt. No doubt.” And over time, if this woman doesn’t sleep with one of these men and claim him, over time, these guys will just start morphing. And they’ll just start saying ridiculous, preposterous shit. “Debbie wants to guard the front door. Do you have a problem with that?” “No, I don’t. As a matter of fact, I think women are amazing. Plus, I’m vegan.” And they will just… They will wear patchouli. They will do what the f*ck they have to do. Next thing you know, poor f*cking Debbie at the front door… “Why am I alone?” [chuckles]
The whole story is so bananas. And it’s one of my favorite stories. So I’m gonna give you the whole story of the break-in at the White House with no edits and no comic exaggerations. This is the real story. ‘Cause a lot of people think there’s some grand conspiracy. There’s some cabal of evil geniuses that’s pulling the strings on everyone in America. It’s most likely that people are just dumb as f*ck, in all sorts of walks of life. This is the story. This is the real story about the person who broke into the White House. First of all, people are always worried, “The government’s checking out my e-mails, bro. The government’s watching us all the time.” They pulled this guy over two months before he broke into the White House. He had four handguns, two rifles and a machete with him. They didn’t even watch him. He had a map. On the map was Washington, and it had an “X” where the White House is. They’re like, “You’re good to go.” They let him go! Two months later, this motherf*cker broke into the White House. And why did he break into the White House? Why do you break into the White House ever? Because you want to die. You don’t… That’s like a suicide run. That’s the only reason why someone runs toward the White House. If you had to ask someone, “What kind of security do you think they have at the White House?” “Oh, dude… they got snipers on every corner. They got lasers in the grass. If you get too far, they open up a door, you drop right into jail.” Nope. Turns out they don’t even have a dog. You just f*cking run. The guy who made it into the White House, he had 800 rounds of ammunition in his car. Left that there. Took a knife. That’s a guy who wants to die! He’s just sitting in his f*cking car going, “F*ck the government! F*ck my ex-wife! And f*ck everybody! I’m gonna do this! F*ck you!” Just sprinting, “Oh, my God, I’m doing it! Oh, my God, I’m doing it!” Thinking, with every step, “This is gonna be the last step of my life. No, this is gonna be the last step of my life. No, this…” And he gets to the front door. It’s unlocked! He opens it. There’s a girl there by herself. Smacks her to the ground and just starts running through the hall. Ah! He’s probably going, “Why am I alive?” He’s probably thinking… He was inside for minutes. For minutes, running around. He got tackled by an off-duty officer. He was probably thinking, “I wanted to die. I don’t want to go to f*cking jail. Will somebody please shoot me?” Then he was probably pissed. “Where are my tax dollars going? What kind of security are you f*cking people running in this place?” [chuckles]
Imagine when Obama found out a girl was guarding him. He was probably like, “Everybody, everybody, not that much diversity. I mean, what, are you playing f*cking fairy tale games here?”
Obama’s got a hard job, ’cause he’s the first president that’s ever been around while Google was here. You know, he could Google his own name if he gets crazy in the middle of the night. Right? “So, let me see what the people have to say.” He’d just go, “Obama is a…” [groans] “I’m none of those f*cking things.” Freakin’ out. Shit. [sighs] Probably thinking, “Why the f*ck did I do this?” I think the guy who broke into the White House and Obama probably have a lot in common. In that… they went for it, but they probably never really thought they were getting in there. You can’t quit once you’re the president. The moment Obama actually got into office, like, “Good morning, Mr. President,” he was probably like, “Oh, no! What the f*ck did I do this for? I didn’t think I was actually gonna get in. [sighs] I can’t sleep. I’m freaking out. Everybody wants to kill me. [exhales heavily] Who the f*ck is guarding me?” Looks out in the hallway. There’s a girl taking selfies. That’d be the greatest selfie of all time. A girl with her ass out, duck lips, in the background, a dude’s breaking into the White House. [laughs]
You know I’m not making this up. You’ve all seen this. This is recognizable. Pigeon-toed is a good move ’cause you can’t get away that good. You just, like… Like there’s something wrong with your back. That’s a recognizable pose. When did that start? ‘Cause if you look at the original pictures back when people first invented pictures, everybody just stood there looking hungry. Like, if you saw a photo from the 1800s, and in the background a girl was going… She’s a f*cking time traveler! Nobody knew that move back then. Somebody had to see their face. “Oh, people like that. They like what I’m doing.” Combo. A two-hole combo attractor. It’s all over online! It gets you a lot of likes.
I saw a gal on Instagram, she has eight million followers. All she does is take pictures of her ass. That’s it. She’s got a winning formula. She sticks with it. No witty memes. There’s no inspirational quotes. Mnh-mnh. Mnh-mnh. Just a lot of this. Different ways. And she’s just a regular girl, man. I’m watching this, I’m like, “This is a different kind of person.” She has eight million people that have no idea what her voice sounds like. She doesn’t have a job that they like. She doesn’t have an occupation that they follow. They’re just staring at her ass. This is a new kind of human. There’s never been a person, psychologically, that’s had to navigate those kind of waters. If you really stop and think about it, science should really step in and start looking at this. Don’t go to South America to study some new frog that nobody gives a f*ck about. There’s a girl in Florida with eight million people staring at her ass. How does this girl keep a relationship? What is her day like? How many dick pics does she get sent? How many dick pics does that girl receive on a daily basis? Is it like the national debt counter was just f*cking spinning out of control constantly? I bet if she turns on the notifications, her phone just starts screaming and runs away from her. I bet if she deletes all the dick pics from her phone, it would be physically lighter. This is a new kind of person. We really have to understand, there’s never been a person like this before. And she’s just a person. Like, that kind of influence, that kind of attractant, that’s a very strong drug to have in the hands of just a girl. And as a guy who has daughters, I just think of that, like, that’s kind of f*cking… That’s weird. Because this girl has eight million people staring at her ass. Eight million creeps and weirdos and perverts objectifying her. I mean, I follow her, but I’m not like those other assholes. I’m different. I care. I care about who she is. I’m a nice person. I’m a hero or something. [laughs] “I’m different. Those other guys are assholes. Men are noble. Men are noble and true.” Mmm. If we get to come. If men don’t get to come, we get real Sméagol-like real quick. Just a few months of no dates, [imitating Gollum] “Mesus is just so disappointed with all the mens mesus meets. Mesus is so embarrassed at how other mens talks to you. Mmm. Oh.”
Everyone wants to set themselves up as being the noble one. Everybody wants to be Matthew McConaughey, to save the world on a rocket ship. There’s people that are signing up to go to Mars. Do you know about this? There’s a mission to Mars, a manned mission to Mars, where 200,000 people have signed up to be amongst the four people to die on Mars. They’re gonna take a one-way trip to Mars. That’s some sad shit for a bunch of reasons. First of all, it’s some sad shit, ’cause that’s 200,000 people that don’t have any real friends. Right? If it’s someone you love, your real friend… If one of my friends is gonna move to Florida, I’ll be like, “B*tch, where the f*ck are you going? You’re gonna go to Florida? We can’t hang out if you go to Florida. Why the f*ck are you moving to Florida, man?” But you might be able to deal with it. “We can just visit each other every now and then.” But if your friend was gonna move to Mars, you’d be like, “Oh, really? Get in the f*cking car! Just get in the car, dude.” Take him out to Death Valley, “Look around! Sucks, right? Mars sucks worse. Get back in the car, stupid.” Jesus Christ! There’s places in America you can’t live, man. You don’t wanna live in Detroit, why the f*ck are you talking about moving to Mars? People really consider moving to Mars. It’s one of the dumbest ideas ever. But if you say that, people will eco-bro you. Have you ever been eco-broed? These people will find an opportunity to virtue signal over you, as Michael Shermer likes to point out. Like, puff their chest out and say that they’re probably better than you. “Hey, dude. Seriously? You think there’s something wrong with going to Mars? Well, I don’t know if you’ve paid attention, man. We maybe should colonize Mars ’cause California’s almost out of water.” Then he’ll nod, like, “Yeah, b*tch.” We’re right next to the ocean. What the f*ck are you talking about? Look at all that water. You fly over it, it takes a day. The world’s blue. It’s more water than it is not water. We have a salt problem. We don’t have a water problem. Suck the salt out of the water, we got a goddamn party. Instead of pissing and moaning… “Too complicated, bro. We gotta go to Neptune.” Oh, my God! You’re f*cking crazy. We’re a crazy race filled with crazy people. We’re like a dude with a dirty house. Like, “Man, I gotta build a new house.” No, you gotta stop shitting in your kitchen. Stop piling up newspapers you’re never gonna read in front of your bathroom, you f*ck! We’re crazy! One-way trip to Mars. A one-way trip in coach with three other people so f*cking stupid, they’re willing to die on Mars with you. Great. What great conversation you’re gonna have. It’s nonsense, folks. My friend was like, “They’re not gonna die on Mars, man. If people are smart enough to figure out how to get to Mars, they’re smart enough to figure out how to get back.” Here’s why that doesn’t make any sense. People smart enough to get to Mars aren’t going. See, that’s the dirty secret about rocket travel, ladies and gentlemen. Nobody smart enough to make a rocket ever gets in one of those f*cking things. No. No, they look at each other right before the launch and they go… They talk German and they get behind giant f*cking concrete bunkers. They take some square-jawed, corn-fed dude from the middle of the country, tuck a Bible under that dude’s arm and strap him into that giant metal dick, and shoot it off into the heavens. That’s what we do. And that is what that is. That is a metal dick. It’s a robot dick, and we’re trying to f*ck the sky. We are literally trying to come people out of the tip of a metal dick onto other planets. Our ultimate goal is that we get those planets pregnant, and they’re too filled up with people, and then they gotta make a new metal dick. “Bro, we gotta go to Jupiter.” Then they make another one. They shoot that f*cking thing, and they fill Jupiter up. We just keep filling the cosmos up with people. And we never evolve. And we never change. We stay perfect, like we are right now. Who’s in? You’re gonna all come with me. We’re gonna leave here right now and go to the Church of Scientology right down the street, and it’s all gonna make sense when you find out that you are an eternal being that created reality so that you can enjoy it.
I watched that HBO documentary a couple too many times. I went Clear, I think. I think I’m Clear. I’m back! I’m back now. If you haven’t seen… [chuckles] I had to watch Going Clear, a Scientology documentary, ’cause I have a neighbor who’s a Scientologist, and I don’t even think he’s gay. I don’t know what the f*ck’s going on. [exhales heavily] But he sleeps really close to me, you know. Like, my bed’s here, this f*cking dude’s bed’s, like, over there. His house is… I mean, if you take away the walls, he’s f*cking right there. It’s like, “What does this crazy f*ck believe?” And Scientology is a wonderful religion. Not just because it was written by a science fiction author who wrote more fake shit than anyone that’s ever walked the face of the Earth. And not by a small amount. This dude never made a second draft in his f*cking life. Everything was one draft of nonsense. And he wrote more of it than anybody. Not in his neighborhood, not in his state, not in a year, not in a decade. More than anyone that’s ever lived, ever. And Scientology is still like, “I don’t see any red flags. I think we’re good. I think this is legit as f*ck.” If Scientology is a good religion, it’s because other religions get to make fun of ’em. It’s like it’s the one religion that even the Mormons are like, “B*tch, you believe what? Hold on. I mean, at least we don’t have video of Joseph Smith. There’s some f*cking shitty black and white footage of L. Ron Hubbard with a captain’s outfit on. You wanna explain that? [chuckles] Why does he have all those awards on? Why is Tom Cruise wearing a gold medal the size of a dinner plate? What the f*ck is going on with you people?” I watched it with my mom, and it was like… First of all, Scientology, they don’t pay taxes. That’s disturbing. They’re tax-free, which means they’re a recognized religion by the government of the United States. Which means the government of the United States had to go over what they believe and went, “Everything seems in order. None of this shit seems like a cult.” Well, what the f*ck is a cult, and what’s a religion? So I had to look it up. Turns out… I don’t know who wrote this, but it’s a perfect definition. A cult is bullshit. It’s created by one person. That person knows it’s bullshit. In a religion, that dude’s dead. So it’s a religion ’cause L. Ron Hubbard’s dead. So I guess they got it on a loophole. I watched it with my mom, and my mom was like, “I can’t believe anybody would fall for that.” “You made me go to Catholic school. The f*ck are you talking about? There was a child molester dressed like a sorcerer sitting on a golden throne, and you made me call him Father. Slow your roll, lady.” Imagine if I talked to my mom like that.
Oh, my God. Jokes, folks. Just jokes. I don’t have a problem with people being religious because I just think life itself is too open-ended. It’s too confusing. And I think we’re evolving. And part of our struggle in evolving is unanswered questions. We wanna seek these answers. But in the meanwhile, they just give you so much anxiety, and it f*cks with you so much. There’s nothing wrong with joining a cult. I think you gotta just join a nice, friendly one. Like, the Mormons are a good cult. Here’s why. They don’t get mad at anybody. Like, they never kill anybody. Like, here’s a perfect example. Matt Stone and Trey Parker, the guys who created South Park, they made a hilarious musical called The Book of Mormon. It’s fantastic. If you haven’t seen it, it’s so f*cking hilarious. But it’s also brutal! Brutal about the Mormons. You know what the Mormons did? They went to see it, and they took out a full-page ad in the playbill. It said, “If you enjoyed this musical and you wanna find out more about being a Mormon, please visit our website.” They just took it right on the chin like champs. They didn’t get mad. They didn’t get defensive. They didn’t kill anybody. That’s a good cult. They just said, “What do you wanna do?” “We got nine wives. Shut the f*ck up!” “Everybody just… Everybody, just chill. Just chill.” That’s a good religion. That’s a good cult.
Some cults aren’t that good. They get f*cking testy. You know the one. We don’t have to say who. You know what I’m talking about. There’s that one that will kill you if you draw their guy. “Come on, man. I can’t even draw your dude? What if I draw a dude drawing your dude?” “No loopholes!” “F*ckin’ relax, bro.” And this isn’t just theoretical. People have died ’cause they made cartoons. Before the most recent Paris attacks, there was a magazine called Charlie Hebdo, and they were attacked, where 11 cartoonists were killed. Eleven more were wounded, and they killed a cop, too. F*cking crazy! Over cartoons! And when you… When there’s radical, crazy people in the world, what’s interesting is the reaction to radical, crazy people and how everything just sort of kind of balances itself out when things get weird.
Because when these people got killed over a cartoon, the whole world was in shock. The whole world was outraged. But one of the scariest things about it was nobody wanted to print those pictures. You couldn’t see ’em in the LA Times. You couldn’t find them in Time magazine. You had to go online and find them. It was a dark moment for free speech, because everybody’s like, “Oh. I don’t wanna get killed. I don’t wanna show the pictures.” It was weird, until… the balance. Because after they got killed and nobody wanted to print the pictures, word got back to Texas… where they promptly held a “Draw Muhammad” contest in Garland, Texas. I’m not making a word of this up. You can Google it, and I’ll wait. They had a “Draw Muhammad” contest in Garland, Texas. Two dudes showed up, started shooting at the building. They were killed almost instantly. Why? Because they were at a “Draw Muhammad” contest in Texas. How obvious does a trap have to be before you start getting suspicious? What, are you livin’ in a Wile E. Coyote cartoon, motherf*cker? You ever go to Texas? That’s not Santa Monica, b*tch. That’s a totally different kind of white people. Those are some Wild West people that have computers and modern guns. They’re not supposed to be there. People didn’t evolve in Texas. It’s not like they were monkeys, then they became people and they stayed in that spot. No. No, they landed on boats on the East Coast. The stubborn ones stayed. The smart ones made it to California. But along the way, we lost a bunch of people. [audience laughs] And some of them just stuck around. “Y’all go ahead. We’re gonna hang back here. I’m gonna draw the biggest dick the world’s ever seen in the sand. My wife’s got the biggest titties. I’mma try to f*ck a snake. I think it can be done.” They just stayed. They just gathered cattle, stockpiled ammo. And they all talk alike.
And that’s why you gotta be nervous. You gotta be nervous in places with accents, okay? It’s one of the reasons why I can prove that California is the best spot to live. ‘Cause all the spots that suck, they all have to sound like each other. ‘Cause I grew up in a place like that. I grew up in Boston. It’s not that the people in Boston suck, but the weather sucks. It’s f*cking horrible. And in the winter everybody gets in their car in the morning, and just goes, “F*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck! F*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck!” And everybody’s worried about… It’s a real possibility you might starve to death one day. You might freeze trying to walk home. [imitates Boston accent] So they all talk in the same way. “Oh, my God. How many more months till summer? Ahhh! When is this f*cking winter gonna be over? We need more firewood.” [whines] They have to sound like the people around them. So if other people invade, like, “We stick together. We’re all in this together.”
That’s how they are in Texas, too. They’re like, “Y’all ain’t from around here, are ya?” They have a f*cking certain way of talking. Which is proof positive why California is the best spot. Try making fun of a California accent. What are you gonna do? Speak clear and concise? What are you gonna do? You gonna mock us? You’re gonna say some shit that everybody understands? They’re not supposed to be in Texas, folks. It’s not even a state. It’s a republic. They were like, “Man, we ain’t so sure about this whole United States thing. We’re gonna hang back. Hang back, see how this plays out.” They don’t have any rules. They have like three pages of rule books. Here’s how I know this. I’m gonna tell you a fact, a fact about Texas that will change the way you think about Texas. There are more tigers in captivity in Texas, in private collections, than there are in all of the wild of the world. I’m gonna repeat it because I know you’re like, “Oh, the Fear Factor guy is just making shit up to make his jokes work.” No. There’s more tigers in dudes’ yards in Texas than the rest of the f*cking planet! How is that possible? Because they can. Because they went through the rule book… [mumbles] “It don’t say shit about tigers. Order it up, dude. Order it up, dude!” One guy got a tiger, and his neighbor’s like, “Shit, I didn’t know we could get tigers.” And he got two tigers. And the first guy was like, “I ain’t about to let this faggot out-tiger me.” And he opened up Tiger World with his oil money. We’re gonna need those people, folks, if the Russians invade. We can’t make f*cking warrior babies with those chicks in Marin County with fake asses and rubber lips, okay? We’re gonna need some real warrior genes. We’re gonna need some women who wear non-ironic Daisy Dukes. They got cowboy boots with no socks and stinky feet. And they yell out, “Chris Kyle, rest in peace,” when you make ’em come. We need those women! If the Russians come, we gotta be ready. Think about the children. Think about the children while I get a sip. This is super important, ladies and gentlemen. A lot of people are sleeping on… [laughs] Imagine if I had real points. Oh, Jesus Christ. [audience cheering] I love you f*ckers, too, man. So excited to be here. [sighs]
I have kids and I lie to them. I get high around ’em, too. People say you shouldn’t do that, but they don’t see it. They say you shouldn’t be intoxicated around your children. Well, I’m not. I’m high. I call it “elevated.” It’s a different thing. The people who have a problem with that, they don’t understand what getting high is. Like, they think you’re gonna be to your kid, like, “Who are you?” What do you think? What’s the worst thing that can happen if I’m a little high around my kid? They’re gonna get extra hugs, and daddy’s going to be paranoid about objects. “Look out. Don’t go there.” That’s it. Plus, I have cool conversations. I have a six-year-old daughter, man. There’s not a lot of 48-year-old man and 6-year-old girl have in common, other than the fact she’s my daughter. And so, our conversations are normally pretty boring. But when I’m high, I’m like, “You know, you call that thing your baby, your doll. You call it your baby, but you know it’s not a baby, right?” “Yeah, I know it’s not a baby.” “Do you call it a baby because you’re the youngest and you like having someone who is responsible for you?” “Maybe.” “Okay. That’s cool. That’s cool. Give me a hug. I love you.” [kisses]
It’s weird, man. It’s weird raising little people. There’s some things that I didn’t expect. One of the things I didn’t expect is you have to lie to them. Like, you don’t have to lie to them about a lot of things, but you have to lie to them about Santa Claus. It’s just one of those things, man, ’cause it’s like a community. You have to think about what your kid’s gonna tell other kids. Because when it comes to Santa Claus, you don’t want your kid to be one of two things. You don’t want your kid to be the first kid that tells everyone that Santa Claus is bullshit, ’cause that kid’s an asshole. But you don’t want your kid to be the last kid that figures out that Santa Claus is bullshit, ’cause that kid’s a moron. So you got… You got a little bit of… You’re like, “Oh, no. When do we do this? When do we do this?” And no one knows when to do it. You just let the kids figure it out. Then they’re like, “Dad, what the f*ck?” You’re like, “Aw… Oh, I missed the boat. I missed the boat.” Nobody knows when to do it. Nobody can be honest about it. They have little meetings and shit. And I’m like, “When do we tell ’em?” This lady goes, “When they’re 11.” They’re gonna be f*cking by then. I told her it was funny. She didn’t believe me. I’m like, “Oh, I’m sorry. I’m off by a year.” That’s not as funny, but it’s… I didn’t mean it. But it’s this thing. They want to keep the kids in the dark. And they wanna pretend they’re the only one that’s teaching the kid. This is a weird thing that people do. They’re like, “I teach my kids, man. I teach my kids.” “Eh… when you see ’em.” But unless you’re some freak who homeschools your children in the forest, your kid’s gonna go to school. They’re gonna go to school, and they’re gonna be in a class with 50 other kids. The teacher only makes 20 bucks a year, and she’s thinking about dick. That’s all she’s thinking about. She’s thinking about getting stuffed. She’s a young, fertile woman who loves kids. And she’s writing on that chalkboard. And the kids all huddle up and share information. Like, “Yeah, what did your dad tell you? Your dad tell you that, yeah? My dad says Santa Claus is f*cking bullshit, okay? You ever go near a chimney? It’s that big. What the f*ck? Teacher’s coming. Play with blocks. Act stupid. Uh, how does this work?” They play dumb. They play dumb! They’re like little prisoners, trying to figure their way out. They make little papier-mâché heads and pretend they’re napping. They’re little humans. They wanna run shit. “Who is these people telling us what to do? Are they being straight with us, man? What the f*ck is going on?” I knew the day my daughter knew that Santa Claus is bullshit. She came home, stared me down. She was, like, mad-dogging me. She took her book bag, and just goes… [scoffs] Walked right up to the chimney, looking at me. “How the f*ck?” “Dad, have you ever met Santa Claus?” “No, honey, I’ve never met him.” “But you let him in the house?” And there’s this moment… It was a moment where a seven-year-old has you at checkmate. You’re like, “Oh, shit.” I don’t know whether to high-five her or to keep lying. You wanna go, “Yeah, you got me. You got me. You got me. That’s bullshit. No, the big bang is real, but this is bullshit.” The big bang sounds even less real. The problem is, you have to be consistent. If you’re teaching your kids nonsense, you gotta teach ’em only nonsense. You can’t mix nonsense in with, like, real stuff. Like, my daughter will go like, “How do birds fly?” I go, “Birds have bones that are hollow, so they’re really light. Then they have feathers, which cover a large surface area. And they use the hollow bones and the feathers to push down on the air. See, the air looks like it’s nothing, right? But it’s actually a bunch of gases. That’s why the trees move when the wind blows. The birds can manipulate that and go through 3-D space.” “Whoa!” “Yeah, nature is crazy.” “Yeah. How does the fat man get through the little hole?” “Magic! Christmas magic! Now go to bed. I’m trying to f*ck your mom! Go to bed!” [audience laughing]
Jokes, folks. Just jokes. Can’t talk like that. That’s how you make strippers. You gotta be nice. They’re little, tiny people. They’re adorable. They don’t know anything yet. You gotta teach ’em everything. You can’t talk mean. [inhales sharply] Kids are a lot like really f*cking stupid people… in that if you get ten really stupid people in a room, the most confident one just starts running shit. They don’t have to have any more information, they just have to be more confident. If you get a bunch of dummies together, they’re like, “I don’t know what’s going on.” “I don’t know what’s going on.” “I f*cking do. I f*cking do.” The guy doesn’t have to have any extra data, he just has to be the only one that’s confident. And that’s what it’s like in school.
My daughter’s class has this f*cking kid named Debbie. And every day it’s, “Debbie says…” Oh, f*cking Debbie says. Debbie says what? You don’t think about that before you have kids. Not only are you gonna have kids, but your kids are gonna make friends, and then you have to make friends with the f*cking parents of your kids. And some of ’em are crazy. My daughter’s like, “Debbie says Adam and Eve are the only two people in the world, and all people came from them. Is that true?” [sighs] And this is weird. Like, you don’t know what to do, right? You want to be diplomatic. You don’t want to cause problems at school. But you gotta be honest. And one of the most difficult things to say to a kid is, “I don’t know.” I’m like, “Sweetie, I don’t know. I don’t know if Adam and Eve is where people came from. But nobody knows, because no one from today is alive back then. So it’s not something you can measure. So it’s not something you can see. So we don’t know. But here’s what we do know. You know how some people have big ears and some people have little ears?” “Yeah.” “Well, some people have brains that are made out of dog shit. And they get horny, too. And what happens is, they have to find someone even dumber than them to have sex with. It’s like the opposite of evolution. And then they have a kid, and their kid is f*cked. Their kid is f*cked! And everybody wants to pretend it’s a level playing field. There’s no level, anywhere you look. Is an eagle and a salmon level? Does the salmon ever get to eat the eagle? No. The universe does not want even! It wants conflict and resolution and constant improvement. Okay? I’m gonna shut this light out, and I’m gonna go f*ck your mom right in the mouth. All right?” I don’t say these things. I don’t say any of these things! I was like, “I don’t know. Maybe Debbie’s right. Doesn’t make sense to me. How would that work?” “How would that work?” “It wouldn’t work, would it?” Adam and Eve are the only two people. They have kids. And then, where do all the other people come from? I guess the kids just start f*cking each other. Is that what happens? Mom f*cks the kids, or the… Yeah, exactly.
Debbie’s parents. They were at my house, man, for a cookout, and the dude told me the Earth’s 10,000 years old. They’re Young Earth Christians. They’re sweet people, by the way. Before I shit on them… I’m gonna shit on them, but before I shit on them, they’re sweet. They’re really nice people. I hug ’em every time I see ’em. They’re really kind, nice people. But they just found a part of their brain, they’re like, “I have no use for this.” [grunts] Chucked that whole logic, discerning-reason part. “This f*cking thing’s confusing.” They’re Young Earth Christians, which means they follow the strictest interpretation of the Bible possible. I’m like, “How many people believe the Earth is less than 10,000 years old?” Uh! I looked it up. There’s a recent Gallup poll that said that 46% of America believes the Earth is less than 10,000 years old. [audience booing] Here’s why you shouldn’t be scared. They can only measure people dumb enough to answer polls. And when you factor that in, you’re talking about a really small number. ‘Cause you know what the average response is if you call people up and say, “How old’s the Earth?” Number one answer is, “Older than your mother’s pussy.” And then they hang up. Number two answer is, “F*ck you!” After that, you start throwing numbers around. And only 46% of those dummies were stupid enough to think the Earth is 10,000 years old. That’s Debbie’s f*cking parents.
So out of the people that answer polls… Is it even 1%? It might be 1%. Only 46% are that f*cking stupid. And that’s the 1% we should really be worried about. We’re worried about the wrong 1%. Not that we shouldn’t be worried about the really rich, greedy people. We definitely should. We should definitely worry about bankers and people who… They’re just stockpiling resources. They could help the world in some really impossible ways for anybody else. But they don’t. They’d rather just pile up their gold. [grunts] Yeah, that 1% is awful.
But there’s another 1% that freaks me the f*ck out that no one’s talking about. That’s the 1% who leave comments on YouTube videos. Who the f*ck are those freaks? Could you imagine people talking to each other like that in real life and not beating the shit out of each other? I mean, if Jesus Christ himself came back from the dead and had a YouTube page, the first comment would be, “You ain’t shit without your dad, pussy.” These are monsters. This is not a normal person’s response. Normal people don’t leave comments. What a normal person does, they watch a video. They like it or they don’t like it. That’s it. It ends right there. But what you’re dealing with is the process of racism, and child abuse, and neglect and shitty genes. And the Insane Clown Posse is playing. They know all the words, and they’re wafting up their farts, and their Cheez Doodle fingers. And like, “An open letter to Jennifer Lopez… Let me pause and just jerk off in my shirt real quick, here. [mimics fart] Ugh… Dear, Jennifer, don’t you think it’s about time you dress a little more classy? What are your children gonna see when they see…” Just f*cking think of the meanest, most biting shit that’s gonna cut it. As if Jennifer Lopez has time in between eating diamonds and f*cking all her background dancers in a castle that she built with her ass. But you know, “Let me check the YouTube comments to see if my self-esteem’s on point. Oh!” And you know who’s dumber than them? Me. ‘Cause I read their shit and I get mad. I know they’re stupid. I still get upset. F*ck!
This is the world, folks. This is the world we’re living in. Are we happy? I’m not sure.
Is this what we wanted? I don’t know.
Are you sure?
Why are you doing this? What is this? What are you doing? Are you fighting for freedom?
[woman 2] No!
Are you White Panthers? What is this?
[man] Life sucks!
What are you saying?
[man] Life can kind of suck sometimes.
Life can kind of suck? Maybe it’s how you’re livin’ it, b*tch. “Life can kind of suck.” It’s the greatest time ever to be alive. “Yeah, I’d live in the old days when you could die from crabs.” It doesn’t get any better than today, man. So stupid. “Make America great again.” It’s as good as it’s ever been. What the f*ck are you saying? We have 4G everywhere. When has it been better? We have Netflix. When has it been better? Come on, man. Stop. It’s never been better. This is as good as it’s ever been. It’s just weird. It’s just weird. You gotta get your shit together, b*tch. Don’t blame the world. God damn it. Damn it, man. And listen, if you’ve seen any of this show, and you said, “I think some of the stuff you’re saying is really funny, but I sense a lot of, like, macho posturing from you. I sense a lot of, like, bullshit, tough-guy stuff.” You’re totally correct. And what it is is I live with all women, okay? And I’m becoming more of a b*tch every day of my life. And I just wanna say I’m not unhappy. I’ve never been more happy in my life. This is the happiest I’ve ever been. But when you’re with all girls, like, you have all girls all the time, you have to make little compromises. You don’t think about it while it’s happening. It’s like the rock doesn’t think about the water carving a path through it, but eventually, that f*cking path is gonna get deep. And when you’re with all people that are different than you, they just go, “Hmm…” They just start looking at you like little raptors testing the fence. [squawks] They’ll just start poking at you. It’s what people do. It’s natural. It’s just what people do. If you live with people that all are on AT&T and you’re on Verizon, they’re like, “Dude, look at my bars. Make the switch. Come on over. What are you, a f*cking Democrat, dude? Libertarian is where it’s at. Wake up! Join us!”
When you’re with all girls, they just start… They constantly f*ck with my manhood. It’s like, I’ll come home and some new thing is painted pink. I’m like, “Why is this pink?” “It looks better pink, Daddy.” “It looks better pink, Daddy.” And my wife’s like, “I think they’re right.” I’m like, “Oh… I see what the f*ck is going on here. It’s mutiny!” They just chip, chip, chip away. It’s like if my manhood was a mountain of marbles. Every day they steal two. They just walk up to my stack… You can’t say shit. You can’t say shit, ’cause it’s only two marbles, and you’re like, “I still got all these marbles. Everything is gonna be okay. I’ll deal with this eventually.” But you’re not gonna deal with it. Every day, two more marbles. You never get those marbles back. You see it comin’. You don’t do anything about it. You’re like, “I gotta go to sleep. All right, everybody stop crying. I gotta go to sleep.” And men don’t want to admit that. “Not me, bro. Not me, bro. I’d rather just live in the woods by myself.” What are you, a f*cking Coldplay song? Huh? What are you, a character in a book, you piece of shit?
No one’s honest. No one’s honest about how much we need other people. That’s why the characters that we adore so much in the movies are the people that don’t need people. The people who just walk away from it all, like, “Wow, what a rebel!” But in real life, we need people so bad that the worst shit you can do to a prisoner is put them in solitary confinement. So think about that. You’re in a cement box filled with rapists and murderers. And the worst shit they can do is leave you alone. We’re f*cking weird. We are weird, ’cause what we are really is we’re some weird superorganism that, like, needs each other in some sort of strange way. But we’re all in denial. “I’m kind of a loner.” Oh, shut the f*ck up. There’s no such thing. It’s not real. Every person in this room, me included, all of us, we are all a calculation. We’re all an ongoing, on-running calculation of all the interactions you’ve ever had with all the people that you’ve ever met. And you do a bunch of things that people like, and start doing more of that. You’re like, “I’ll do more of that.” You find things that people don’t like, you’re like, “I’ll keep that shit to myself, hmm. I don’t like that feeling. Hmm.” That’s what we do. That’s what we do. It’s weird. We don’t want to admit it. But that’s who we all are. And I’m just telling you this because I’ve never been more of a b*tch. Right now, I have slowly but surely bent until I’m in this position. This is how I’m riding out my days, just like this. “Okay, okay, okay, okay.”
But I’m also telling you right now that I’m not going out like Bruce Jenner. Oh! That’s right, politically correct San Francisco. Here’s my take on this Bruce Jenner thing. And, you know, everybody has their own… Not really. This is what everybody’s take is. This is the take that you’re supposed to have. “He’s always been a woman trapped in a man’s body.” Maybe. Definitely maybe. Definitely people are like that. Definitely, there are people who were born in the wrong gender. And am I saying they should stay their gender? No. Who gives a f*ck? You should do whatever you wanna do. You should be happy. You should be free. I don’t care what you do. But… it’s also possible that, maybe, if you live with crazy b*tches long enough, you become one. That’s all I’m saying. I don’t see this discussed. It is entirely possible. If you put a praying mantis on a leaf, it becomes the color of the leaf. Why? Because it wants to live. It wants to survive. It wants to be accepted by its environment. You show me a man who’s lived with the Kardashians for ten years who didn’t come out a chick, and then we’ll have some data, okay? ‘Cause right now, we lost a f*cking American Olympian, and I want you to have some respect!
We’re down Bruce Jenner. And I’ve got a close eye on Kanye West, and I don’t exactly like what I’m seeing. [audience applauding and cheering] Look at Kanye West. He’s a very talented, young, heterosexual man who starts a clothing line… he’s clearly jealous about Taylor Swift, and he tweets like a coked-up stripper in the middle of the night. You don’t see what I’m seeing? We are watching the plot of a f*cking Stephen King book play out!
An American athletic hero moves in with a woman who’s made hundreds of millions of dollars through no way anyone can explain to anyone. He breaks up with her. She turns him into a chick. The whole world tells him he’s beautiful. You tell me you don’t see what I’m seeing? You have to say… You have to say she’s beautiful. “She’s beautiful.” She’s not beautiful, and neither am I. Look, I look like a thumb with two thumbs. Okay? You put me in a dress, I’d be even more disgusting. “Beauty’s unusual.” There’s a lot of cool shit that isn’t beautiful. Sixty-year-old dudes in skirts are on that list. Jesus f*cking Christ! What kind of games are we playing here? Why are you lying to children? That’s beautiful. What are my kids gonna think when they see a mountain or a rose? “Is that beautiful too, Daddy? Explain.” Ahhh! Bang! I can’t! The world’s gone f*cking bananas! “What you’re saying is horribly transphobic and incredibly regressive. You should be embarrassed at what you’re doing. You’re doing this just to get laughs at someone else’s expense.” Maybe! Or maybe Bruce Jenner lived with demons. Maybe they waited by the bed… until they knew he was in heavy REM sleep… so they could assume their true form. [squawking] Climb up and kick off their designer shoes to reveal black raven’s claws. Clutched the edge of the bed and just… whispered in his ear. [snarls] [imitating demon] “Bruce… [breathing heavily] we would like you better if you were one of us.” “[groaning] I can’t. I can’t be one of you. I was… I was born a man.” “Nonsense! [snarling] [hissing] Nonsense. Bruce… you no longer can be held prisoner by the gender of your birth. You’re free. Bruce… [snarling] your lips are too thin… for the cover of Vanity Fair.” “Huh? What? Wait. Wait. Did you say the cover? Okay. Are you f*cking with me? Because… you know the cover’s always been my dream.” “It can be real! [snarls] It can be real. All dreams… can be real through surgery. Sleep.”
[audience cheering and applauding]
Thank you very much, San Francisco! I had a great f*cking time with you savages! Let’s take a selfie. Shit. We got it. Putting together one of these f*cking specials is stressful as shit. I appreciate the f*ck out of all you people being here tonight. And I love you guys. Thank you very much!
[cheering and applauding continues]
[rock music playing]