Joe List: I Hate Myself (2020) – Transcript

In his new special, Joe List unpacks his neuroses: He explains what triggers his Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, why it's insane to think anyone can sleep on a plane and his theory that the dental industry is a sham.
Joe List: I Hate Myself (2020)

[Emcee] Ladies and gentlemen, Joe List.

[audience applauds and cheers]

Thank you.

[audience applauds and cheers]

Thank you. That was way too much. I feel like, I feel like everyone’s aware that that was too much. There was definitely a moment where collectively everyone was like, I think we’re overdoing it, a little bit. Appreciate it. That was nice. Some of you, I felt like that was more about you than it was me. To be honest, I felt like a couple of you were like, I’m gonna be the guy, I’m gonna, you’re gonna hear me. At least four of you are like, I can’t wait to watch this. ‘Cause I’m gonna point out my voice, going hey! That’s fair. Good to be here in New York. I said that like I am visiting, I live here. It’s nice to live here. I travel all the time, every week. I hate flying, I get very anxious when I fly. I’m not afraid of a crash. I’m afraid of a conversation. That’s what I hate about flying. I was on a plane the other day, the guy next to me, was like, what do you do? And I was like, I mind my own business on airplanes. First of all, you’re sitting too close together to have a conversation. The guys shouldn’t make eye contact. We’re just staring at each other from this distance. I’m like, I could kiss you without using a neck muscle. That’s how close you are.

[audience laughs]

I was on a plane the other day. The guy next to me was eating a lollipop. Don’t you think that’s an inappropriate airplane food, a lollipop. It’s too noisy, he’s like. [slurps] I was like, sir, you’re turning me on. Could you relax a little bit? They don’t even sell lollipops at the airport. That’s a from home lollipop. That guy got a lollipop. He’s like, I’m gonna hold on to this until I fly. I wanna make sure I have that three inches from somebody’s ear. I don’t even know where you get a lollipop, by the way, outside of a bank and a doctor’s office, they don’t sell them, do they? If you gave me $10 right now and you were like, go get me a lollipop. I would come back a week from now with my shirt torn and be like, I couldn’t do it. I don’t know. I hate everybody on every plane. We all hate each other though. That’s not exclusive to me. We all hate each other. You know, everyone hates each other on the airplane. ‘Cause as you’re boarding the airplane, everyone just stares at you, dead in the face. angrily, the whole flight’s, just. That’s the only time as a society we’re not looking at our phone. Everyone’s like, let’s put our phones away and look upset at everybody else on this airplane. I hate it, but I do it too. I’m just as guilty. As soon as I sit down, I’m like this fucking idiot getting on the plane. What!

[audience laughs]

Back there. It doesn’t matter where are on the plane. You feel better than everybody behind you, don’t you? You can be in the second to last row. This one guy behind, you’re like what a fucking idiot back there. Embarrassing, loser. Last row. I was on a plane the other day. I hated the guy behind me. He kept yawning out loud, the whole flight. Am I a psycho or is that annoying? The whole flight he’s like. [yawns] For like five hours. [yawns] I wanted him to die, I swear to God. I was like, hope this guy passes away on the flight. First of all, you don’t need to make a noise when you yawn. That’s a decision, he’s deciding to do that. It’s like, if you were hungry on a plane, you were like, I’m hungry. Well you’re all right? Yeah, yeah I’m hungry. I like to let people know when I’m hungry. I think it’s important for people to know that. People who yawn out loud, they want attention. That’s why they’re doing it. They want you to be like, “Oh, my God, are you tired?” And they’re like, I am, here’s my entire life story. of how I came to be tired. Don’t fall for it, it’s a trap. Plus isn’t it fun to not ask somebody a question when they really want you to ask them a question? You ever do that when someone was like, “I had a wild night last night.” and then you’re like, “Neat.” And then you just walked away. That’s like one of my favorite things to do. Just tell me your shitty story. Don’t make me ask for it. I flew recently, I was at the airport, La Guardia airport, here in New York, that’s my home airport. I was walking through the terminal. They were playing “Welcome To The Jungle” by Guns N’ Roses at the airport. That’s a weird airport song. I’m a rock and roll guy. I love Guns N’ Roses, I’m cool. But it’s a little much at the airport. I’m walking to the terminal. I just hear like. Du du du du du du du, aah! I’m like hey, can we cool it down a little bit? It’s 7:30 AM. I’m eating a muffin, looking for an outlet. I don’t think we need to rock this hard. Also it’s a little unnerving to be boarding a flight. And hear, “You’re gonna die!”

[audience laughs]

I’m like, shit, am I? If they play “Knocking On Heaven’s Door” next, I’ve never flying again, I’ll take the bus. I do fly every week though. Pretty much literally every week. I get upgraded a lot. That’s the nice thing about flying all the time. I got upgraded recently, my wife and I, both of us, like we have two tickets in first class, but they’re not together. We’d have to separate you. Is that okay? And I was like a 100%. I feel like that won’t to hurt your feelings. I love my wife, I’m joking. I love my wife, you gotta take first-class, if you can get it. They’re gonna be like, we’ve two tickets in first class but you have to get divorced to have them. I would be like, baby, we had a great ride. I loved it, come on let’s get comfy. It was cross country, first class though. That’s the real deal shit. That’s where your seat turns into a bed. It is weird to get separated from your wife on one of those. ‘Cause they put me with like a random fat guy. I don’t wanna make fun of him for being fat ’cause some of you are fat, but he was so fat. He was coming into my seat. Like we were flushed shoulder to shoulder and then we slowly ease back into bed together. And then we chose the same movie and I was like, this is the most romantic date I’ve ever been on. I’m like, if this guy makes a move, I’ll bang them right here, I don’t give a shit. We got blankets, turbulence “When Harry met Sally” is on, it’s nice you know. At one point on the flight I got up, I looked over, my wife had her own guy that she was in bed with. And then he was like the hottest guy in the plane. And that pissed me off. ‘Cause I was like, I want that guy, switch guys! You take this piece of shit. I want the hot guy, I paid for these tickets.

I like watching movies on the plane. We all do that right? I like Delta, I fly Delta. Delta is the best airline. They have the best movies on Delta. I don’t know who categorizes the movies at Delta. I don’t think they’re doing a great job. I was on a flight the other day. I went to the classic section and “The Hangover Part Two” was under classics. I swear to God, it was “To Kill A Mockingbird”. “It’s A Wonderful Life.” And “The Hangover Part Two”. Classic. I remember the first time I saw “The Hangover Part Two” my grandfather showed it to me. It was on Turner Classic Movies and we watched it on his black and white TV. Really bonded. That wasn’t the most egregious though. The most ridiculous one I went to. This is true, you can check my Instagram account. I went to documentary and the movie “A Quiet Place” was under documentaries. I don’t know if you remember that movie. That was a summer blockbuster horror movie where monsters kill you if you make a sound. Somebody at Delta watched that movie and was like, this is an amazing documentary. Holy shit. How did I not read about this in the papers? I’m glad somebody documented this.

I’ll tell you what I like to do though. I bet a lot of you guys do this. I like to download a movie, bring a laptop on the flight, download a movie. Then you can just choose any movie you want, but you can use, you gotta use some discretion ’cause everyone around you can see the movie you’re watching. So you don’t wanna get too weird with it. Like, one time I brought the movie “Casino”. You guys all remember that movie? Great movie from the 90’s, Scorsese, right? Very violent. If you haven’t seen the movie, at one point in the movie, a guy has his head crushed in a vice and his eyeball pops out. I looked over, there was a seven year old child just staring at my laptop. He looked horrified. I felt so bad. I was like, you know what? Take an ear, bud, it’d be better with sound. If you could hear it. Then he started crying and I was like, are you ratting me out right now? Because I’ll crush your little head in this laptop computer if I have to.

I was at a plane one time, the lady next to me, she was watching “50 Shades Of Grey” on her laptop. Did you guys see that movie, great documentary. It’s a classic and a documentary really. Very sexual film. I thought she was watching porn at first. I was like good for you lady. Get after it, enjoy yourself. The flight attendant came by and she’s like, “Would you like more pretzels?” I was like more “Napkins, if you don’t mind.” I wasn’t expecting to see tits on the plane. That kind of caught me off guard. We were landing. She’s like, “Could ‘ya put your tray table up?” I’m like, “I’d rather not right this moment.” I’m in the full, upright locked position myself. This is a spicier flight than I’m accustomed to.

I can’t sleep on the plane. Even with the first class I can’t sleep on an airplane. I don’t know about you guys, my friends, like, “Why can’t you sleep on an airplane?” He acts like, I’m crazy. He’s like, “Why don’t you just go to sleep?” I’m like, “I can’t.” And he’s like, “Why?” I’m like, is that hard to understand? That’s not a normal sleeping situation that’s why. Like, if you went home tonight and you went to bed and there was a jet engine idling outside of your bedroom window, don’t you think you might be like, I’m gonna have trouble sleeping tonight because of the jet engine outside of my bedroom window. And then also somebody replaced your bed with a chair and there were 71 strangers in your bedroom with you and then someone woke you up in the middle of the night to offer you a Coke. That’s what they do on airplanes. It’s like, I know you’re trying to sleep, but do you want a Coke right now? I’m like, yeah, yeah, give me a Coke. I like to break up my sleep with a can of Coke. That’s how I sleep at home. I sleep for four hours. I wake up, I drink a can of Coke. Kind of spice up my dreams a little bit. Sometimes I boil Cola right before bed, little sleepy, time Pepsi.

I love Coke, I had to quit Coke. I quit Coca-Cola, I still do blow. Obviously you gonna live your life you know. Coke is bad for you, I used to drink it all the time. People would always tell me it’s bad. People love to do that. My friends, people would always say “Coke can take the paint off your car. “What does that tell you?” And I’m like, it tells me not to put it on my car. That’s what I, I’m not putting it on my car. I’m putting it in my body and I don’t have any paint in my body. If I did have paint in my body, I would want to get rid of it. So if you think about it that way, Coke’s actually a pretty healthy beverage. Don’t want paint in your body. If your kid accidentally swallows some paint, give him a can of Coke, send it back out there. He’ll be fine. That’s very healthy.

My buddy tried to help me sleep on the plane. He was like, you wanna borrow my sleep mask for your flight. I was like, I don’t. First of all, I don’t need a sleep mask. I have a built in sleep mask called eyelids, my eyelids block out the light for me. Also it’s not the lighting. It’s the farts and the announcements is what I’m having a hard time with.

[audience laughs]

You don’t need a mask to sleep. Those words don’t even go together. Sleep mask, that’s like a masturbation helmet. It doesn’t, they don’t go together. Honey, have you seen my masturbation helmet and my bowel movement, knee pads. They were with my sleep mask earlier. Now I can’t find any of them.

I have trouble sleeping at home too ’cause I have anxiety. My same friend, he tried to help me with that. He goes the key to falling asleep. He goes, you wanna keep your body temperature cool. I was like, okay, that makes sense. Then he said one way to do that. You can wear socks and gloves to bed. It’ll draw heat to those areas and cool the rest of your body. It’s like nice. I might try that or I might flick on the air conditioning. That might be another thing. I’ll either wear socks and gloves to bed, like I escaped from an asylum. Or perhaps I’ll turn on the ceiling fan. I might even stick my leg out from underneath the blankets. That’s another way people have been cooling down for several centuries. Good advice though. I might do that in the summer, summertime, you know, I’ll go down to the beach on a hot day and wear a couple of oven mitts and some tube socks. Kinda cool down my torso. You know how a lot of times people wear gloves to keep their nipples cool. Good advice.

I try to get healthy. I quit drinking a long time ago, few years ago, you know? ‘Cause sometimes, oh, thank you, I don’t know if that’s a boo. That’s usually a sign that you’re an alcoholic by the way. If you hear someone be like, I quit drinking. And someone’s like, boo. I was getting too wild. Sometimes you get too wild when you’re drinking. You know, sometimes I think there’s like placebo effect to drinking a little bit, you ever think that? You see like a person, they’re acting like an asshole, they’re like it’s the whiskey talking and then you’re like, that’s a Smirnoff Ice and it’s your first one, so I feel like it’s your personality talking actually. I think there’s some placebo effect to alcohol. ‘Cause I haven’t had a drink in years, but I had a cold recently. So I went to a health food store and I got a shot of wheat grass. I don’t even know what wheat grass is, but they put it in a shot glass and I fired it back and I was like, who wants to see my dick? And I kicked over a table.

[audience laughs]

I was like, sorry, that was muscle memory. I haven’t drank anything one and a half ounces at a time in a while, I got fired up. I apologize. Give me some vitamins, I wanna snort them up.

But it’s hard to be healthy, it’s hard for everyone. I’m like on the road all the time. I’m traveling so it’s like hard. Like sometimes I eat McDonald’s ‘Cause it’s the only thing open. And also because it’s my favorite restaurant. I was at McDonald’s the other day I was dining in. It’s funny, right? That’s the term they use. You order your food. They’re like, will you be dining in, like I’ll be eating over there. I feel like, dining feels a little dramatic. I’m going to chew my food in the corner as fast as I possibly can, in the hopes that nobody sees me. I’m not going to cut my burger in half and put a cloth napkin in my shirt, light a candle.

But I was, I was dining in and the phone rang while I was at McDonald’s. That blew my mind. You guys don’t even seem weirded out by that. Not my phone, their phone, somebody called McDonald’s on the telephone. A human being was at their house and was like, you know who we need to call? McDonald’s, let me get them on the phone. I don’t even know they had a phone. They employees didn’t know. They were like, what the hell is that sound? We have a phone, what! Who calls McDonald’s, I’m like, what are you making, reservations? That must’ve been the breathiest phone call of all time. Just are the new toys in yet? I asked the lady, I was like, what was that phone call all about? She was like, it was somebody complaining about the food. That blew my mind even more. I didn’t know we could complain at McDonald’s. It’s shit food. That’s what you bought. That’s a gamble. I could go to McDonald’s, my burger could be bleeding. I’d be like, that’s hilarious. You guys are crazy, let’s get outta here.

Imagine complaining to a McDonald’s employee. Excuse me, my meal wasn’t great. Yeah, my fucking life isn’t great. Are you shitting me? Go to a real restaurant, asshole, I don’t care. You can complain to McDonald’s. I think, if they get your meal wrong. That’s like one thing you get, you get your meal in the right way, you know? But even that’s not great. You can be like, oh, excuse me, you put pickles on this. I don’t really like pickles and what they do for you. They’ll take the pickles off and they eat them while making eye contact with you and they slide your burger back to you.

[audience laughs]

I had a complaint recently, at McDonald’s, but I didn’t complain ’cause I’m a good American goddammit. This is my complaint. I went to the McDonald’s and I ordered my meal. My meal came to $9.89 cents and I paid with a $10 bill. My change is 11 cents and the woman went, “Do you need your 11 cents or no?” I thought that was weird. Once again, none of you are affected by this. I thought that was strange. I was like, well, I would like it. That belongs to me. So typically you would just give that to me at this point, in the transaction, but she was like, “Right, but do you need it?” And I was like, “I don’t need it. “No, I guess not.” And then she was like, “Great, thank you.” She took it out of the drawer, put it in her pocket, and just walked away. And I was like, what the fuck just happened to me? I just got robbed with my permission. That was very strange. It was like a Jedi mc-mind-trick. She was like, you don’t need your 11 cents. I’m like, I guess I don’t, take it. I eat a lot of fast food. I eat Chipotle a lot. That’s like my go to.

[audience cheers]

Thank you. But Chipotle, I live here in New York. Now when you go to fast food restaurants in New York city, they have like a secret code on the bathroom door. ‘Cause like they don’t want, if you don’t have a secret code in New York, people will move into your bathroom. They’re like, this is our apartment now. But I don’t know if you know this, when you go to the middle of the country, people don’t wanna live in the Chipotle bathroom. So there’s no code on the bathroom door, which is confusing to us, New Yorkers. Like I was, I was in like rural Illinois recently and I went to a Chipotle and I walked up to the counter and I was like, “Hey, what is the bathroom code?” And the guy had no idea what I was talking about. He was like, “Number one urine. “Number two shit?

[audience laughs]

“Like is that the code you’re asking me for?” I was like, “No, I know that code, of course.” That’s, that’s the most popular bathroom code, of course. Number one pee, number two poo. We all know that. That’s international, that’s all over the world. There should be a statue, or a plaque, to whoever came up with the number one, number two system. I googled it for like three straight days, I couldn’t get to the bottom of who came up with it. I think this though, I think it was a woman. I think a woman came up with it, because, I think woman like to let you know, when they have have to go number two, but they don’t wanna say anything, because it’s not socially acceptable. Like my wife, she lets me know, when she has to go number two. She telegraphs it slightly. This is what she does. She scrunches up her body, and then she whispers, she goes, “I have to go to the bathroom.”

[audience laughs]

And I’m like “Did you date a guy that hit you, “when you shit? “What, why do you look afraid of me right now? “Baby I love ya, get in there, let it rip. “Am I putting on an anti bowl movement vibe? “I’m pro shitting. “We can make out while you do it, I like it. “I’m not into shitting, but, you gotta, “gotta get it out there.”

I’m cool with the bathroom. I have no bathroom issue. I have one bathroom issue. But this is only, I think only men deal with this. At some point, men reach an age, where at some point they start taking their penis out, several feet, before they arrive at a urinal or stall. I don’t like that. I don’t know when that starts happening. Every once in a while I’m in a public restroom, you just see a guy like, “Eh, I gotta take a piss, ugh.” I’m like “Dude, you gotta leave earlier, “or get less complicated pants, something’s going wrong,” It’s not like taking your keys out, before you get to your car, it’s offensive. I think that’s just men, by the way, I don’t go to ladies rooms, but I don’t picture women being like, “Heads up Barbra. “I had too many coffees.” “Whoa, Sue, great labia, my God.”

[audience laughs]

Anyways, I’m trying to eat healthier, it’s hard. I tried to go vegetarian, for like a week. I was like, let me go one week, detox, vegetarian. I didn’t, I tried. I didn’t do great. I went five days. I ate Spaghetti Os, M&Ms, and Froot Loops, exclusively, for five straight days, and I was like, “I feel like shit, and my teeth hurt, this diet sucks.” I broke the diet by accident, day six I ordered spaghetti and meatballs at a, I swear to God this is true, I’m an idiot. I was halfway through before I was like, you know what, I think there might be meat, in meatballs. I’m gonna, let me just double check on this. I was like, “By any chance, do you guys not put meat, “in your meatballs? “You do. “They’re balls of meat. “Okay, that’s great, thank you. “Do you have any Froot Loops by any chance?”

I wanna be healthy, I feel like I’m relatively healthy. I went to the doctor recently. I can go afford to go to the doctor now. I still don’t have health insurance, but, like, I can afford a visit. I’m not, this is where I’m at financially. I’m not rich, but here’s where I’m at. I had a big milestone recently. This is my point in life. If I pay for something with a debit card, and it doesn’t go through, I say, “Run it again.”

[audience laughs]

That’s like a big moment in your life. Most of my life they’re like “That didn’t go through.” I’m like “That makes perfect sense. “I’ll get the hell out of here. “I apologize. “I hate myself. “I’m gonna move back in with my parents, “don’t call the cops.” But, now I’m like, “No way, that’s all you. “I got 300 bones in there.”

I went to the doctor, it’s nice to go the doctor, you know. I went to the ear doctor. Most people don’t go to the ear doctor. In fact, so few people go to the ear doctor, they had to combine forces with the nose and throat doctor. That’s one doctor ear, nose, throat. That’s the only doctor that combines body parts. There’s no doctor that’s like, “I’m foot, pussy, forehead. “Those are my three areas.” Well, cool man. He’s like, “Yeah those are my three favorites, “so I just studied those, and now I, you know.” Nice, that’s awesome.

So I went to the ear, nose, throat doctor, which is a cool doctor. It’s one doctor. He knows all three body parts. I was hoping it was three doctors saving money, by sharing a small office. He’s like, “I’m Bill, this is Susan, and Ted. “Ear, nose, throat. “Who do ya need?” And they all kinda. I went for my ear, I have an ear issue called, , tinnitus, or tin-uh-dus. That’s when you’re ears ring. You got it? Yeah, it’s frustrating. It’s when you’re ears ring, or buzz all the time. I don’t know how you say it. I thought it was called tinnitus, but then I watched a YouTube video, and the doctor in the video, he kept saying “tin-uh-dus.” And so I was like, “Oh, I guess it’s pronounced tin-uh-dus.” But then I went to the comments section, and the first comment said, “This guy’s a fake ass fucking retard doctor. It’s pronounced t-ah-n-i-tus.” All caps. And then I was like, “Shit, now I don’t know how to say this word.” This gentlemen is a doctor, he seems very smart. This fella seems, less smart, but, extremely adamant about the pronunciation of this word. Tomato, to-mah-to. However you say it. If you have it, don’t go to the doctor, they don’t do shit. I went to the doctor I was like “Doc, I have uh, tinnitus, or tin-uh-dus. “Whatever you guys are calling it. “My ears are ringing.” And then he said, “Okay, I’m gonna test your hearing.” And I was like, “Oh no, that’s okay. “My hearing is great. “I hear everything, plus ringing, so. “I kind of have superpower hearing, if you think about it. “I’m hearing shit that’s not even in the room.”

He gave me the hearing test, I passed it. Nailed it. Great hearing. Then he said, “I’m gonna look in your ears, “to make sure it’s nothing obvious.” I thought that was kind of hilarious, ’cause, he didn’t explain what obvious would be. Like he’s gonna look in my ear and be like, “Oh, there’s a tiny alarm clock in your ear canal. “That’s, that’s a very rare condition. “I’m gonna reach in there, hit the snooze for ya. “You’ll be fine, for like nine minutes, but.” He looked at my ear, it was nothing obvious, so, then he was out of things. And he was like, “Well, your hearing is great, “and it’s nothing obvious causing the problem.” And then he said this, he goes, “You have an overbite. “Might have something to do with your overbite.” That was it. No science, no confidence. He just picked out a thing, I’m psychically self conscious about, and was like, “Maybe that? “Could be your small dick also, I don’t know, you have a, “you have a lot of problems, you’re very unattractive.” And I’m like, “Geez, that’s unfair.” I always feel insulted at the doctor. Don’t you feel so vulnerable, at the doctor? Everything he says. He tried to explain tinnitus, he’s like “You have tiny little hairs, in your ear.” And I was like, “You have big hairs in your nose, asshole. “Why don’t you leave me alone, you bully.” Then he said, he goes “I recommend getting a white noise machine.” And I was like, “You’re a white noise machine.” I was like, “What does a white noise machine do?” He goes, “Well that way you’re hearing the white noise, “instead of the sound that you’re hearing.” And I was like, “Right. “The sound I’m hearing is white noise. “Like I have a white noise machine in my head. “That’s the issue. “You’re telling me to get surround sound of the problem, “I’m telling you I have.” That’d be like if you had a bad smell in your nose, and you went to the doctor, and he was like, “Put a little dog shit, on your lip. “Just every morning, scoop a little dog shit, “on your upper lip. “That’s what I would do. “That way you’re smelling dog shit. “That’ll be $8,000. “We don’t take any insurance. “God bless America.”

Then I went to the dentist. I’ve been going to the dentist a lot. I didn’t go to the dentist for like 10 years. Don’t skip years. I thought you could just skip over those years, but, they make you make up for the time you missed. I hate the dentist. I love my dentist, personally. Like, he’s a good guy, we’re friends, I love him. But, dentists are the doctor, I trust the least. I think they’re just making shit up. Like cavities, I feel like those are completely made up, by the dental industry. Nobody’s on board with this, but. My dentist is like, “You have a cavity.” And I was like, “Do I? “It doesn’t hurt.” And he’s like “Cavities don’t always hurt.” And I was like, “I don’t see anything.” And he’s like, “You can’t really see cavities.” I was like, “This is awfully convenient for you, isn’t it? “It doesn’t hurt, and I can’t see it, “but you need to fix it? “That’s a little suspicious, if you ask me.” He’s like, “You can ignore it, “but it’ll turn into root canal.” And I was like, “Now I feel like you’re threatening me. “I think you’re making shit up, “and you’re threatening me with it.” And I was like, “Whatever, fill it I guess.” He filled the cavity. I think he filled it. I have no idea. They numb your mouth, you can’t feel what they’re doin’, and you can’t see what they’re doing. So he might have been crocheting. I have no idea what this guy did, but he charged me 500 bucks, which seemed high, you know. And then I went back six months later, you gotta go every sixth months. And this time I needed a root canal. Different tooth. It wasn’t even hurting. He’s like, “You need a root canal.” And I was like, “Which tooth?” He’s like, “Whichever one you want, just pick a tooth. “I thought, I’d make some extra cash for the holidays.” I was like, “Are you sure I need a root canal?” He’s like, “Oh yeah.” He showed me the x-ray. Doctors love to show you the x-ray, as though you’ve read an x-ray, at any point in your entire life. He tosses it up there he’s like, “Take a look.” I’m like, “I don’t know what that is, I don’t. “I read books, and tweets, almost exclusively, I don’t.” And he’s like, “See how it’s all white right here.” And I’m like, “Well, it’s a black and white photo, so. “The whole God damn photo is white.” I was like “I can’t afford a root canal.” I was like, “What are those, like $3,000?” He goes, “They’re not $3.000.” He said it like I was an idiot. He’s like, “They’re not $3,000.” And I’m like “All right, well I’m not a dentist, “and you don’t have a menu with prices on it, okay?” I was like, “How much do they cost?” He said, “$1,800.” Which is a little frustrating, ’cause I feel like I was in the ballpark. It’s not like I said 75,000, I was pretty close. They did the root canal, which was fine, and then afterwards he’s like “Now you need a crown.” And I was like, “How much does the crown cost?” And with a straight face, he said “$1,200.” I swear to God, that’s not even a joke, at all. I was like “What? “I’m sorry, that sounds an awful lot like $3,000. “You could have at least given me “the satisfaction of nailing it. “I should get both prizes, for getting the.”

Have you guys had root canals? They’re a bummer. It’s not that bad. I’ve had, like, nine in the last three weeks, but, like they’re hooked in me. They’re not that bad, they numb your mouth, like I said, so it doesn’t hurt, but this is what they do. They drill into your tooth, I won’t get too graphic, but they drill into your truth, and then they just pull the roots out. They toss ’em or plant ’em. I don’t know what they’re doing with the roots. They collect ’em. Then they do, what they do is they whittle your tooth down, to like a little piece of shit nub, and they glue a fake tooth on top of that, and then they go like this, “We saved it. “We saved your tooth.” I’m like, “Ya did. “Ya saved it. “Ya did, quite a bit of damage right before ya save it. “Most of my tooth is on my glasses right now, but, “you fixed it up new.” It’s like you’re about to get a haircut, and they just shaved your head, and gave you a wig, and they’re like “We fixed it. “It looks a lot better. “It looked ridiculous for a minute there. “That’ll be 1800 for the haircut, and 1200 for the wig. “It’s a package deal.”

Then I went to the eye doctor, I got an eye exam. I didn’t get an eye exam for like 10 years. Do you know why I didn’t get an eye exam for 10 years? Because I was basing it off dental prices. I thought I couldn’t afford an eye exam. I was like it cost me $3,500 to fix two teeth, that weren’t even bothering me. What the hell is eyesight gonna cost? $75. That’s how much, that’s how much an eye exam cost, in New York City, 75 bucks. I showed up with $5,000 in my pocket.

[audience laughs]

I walked in there with all my money, I was like “Just let me see again. “I’ll give you the rest when I have it.” They were like, “That’ll be 75 bucks.” I’m like, “Are you shitting me? “Give me two eye exams. “Double check both eyes. “I’ll pay for that, “I’ll pay for everybody’s eye exams, all day.” I’m like Daddy Warbucks in here. I don’t think eye doctors have any idea, how much dentists are charging out there. They could really up their prices if they wanted to. And I thought, maybe like eye doctor, is like the lowest self esteem doctor. They’re like, “Can you read the bottom line? “It’s fine if you can’t. “I can’t either. “I’m a fucking idiot, I’m stupid, my dad hates me.” You’ll be like, “Geez, are you all right?” How are teeth more expensive than eyes? That’s like unbelievable to me. You have so many more teeth. If you lose a tooth, nobody even notices. If you lose an eye, you have a new nickname, people notice. If you lose an eye, your friends are gonna be like, “Didn’t you used to have multiple eyes? “You did, you had two. “I thought you had two.” Plus teeth there’s other options too. Like if you can’t afford a root canal, they can pull the tooth for you, it takes like three minutes, it’s fairly cheap. They don’t have that at the eye doctor, you know. You’re like “I can’t read the bottom line.” They’re like “Want us to pull that out? “We can toss that thing right away for you. “We’ll give you some gauze and some Vicodin, “don’t eat anything solid for a couple days.”

I’m going to therapy. You guys going to therapy out there? Mental and dental. No? Not a big, therapy, in New York too, oi. I love it. I can do it for ya. If you guys wanted to go, maybe you can’t afford it, I can do it for you. I didn’t go to college or anything, but I know how to do therapy. I’ve been going long enough. Whatever you’re dealing with, it’s because of your family. Look no further, than your own family. That’s all therapy is, you complain about your problems, then he says, “It’s your family.” And then you’re like, “Still, great.” Then you give him your money, and then you leave. At first I was skeptical. I was like, “I don’t know.” And then I spent 11 seconds with my family, and I was like, “He nailed it. “These are the worst people I’ve ever met in my life. “I don’t know how I didn’t see this earlier.”

My Aunt Betty, she’s a big source of my anxiety. I don’t know if you guys know her at all. She was a babysitter, late ’80s, early ’90s. I have anxiety, that’s like my big issue. I know when my anxiety began, I think it was ’cause of my Aunt Betty. When I was eight years old, this is a true story, my Aunt Betty said this to me. She said, “Joe, my biggest fear.” She told me her biggest fear. I didn’t ask her what her biggest fear was, because, I was eight years old. I did not give a shit about her fears, but, she told me anyway. She said “My biggest fear, “is that when I go to the bathroom, they’ll be a man, “hiding behind the shower curtain waiting to get me.” And I was like, “Well, that’s my biggest fear now, also.” Previously my biggest fear had been wetting my pants but, that’s now the solution, to avoiding my new biggest fear, entering the bathroom at my parents house. My parents are like, “What do you want for your ninth birthday?” I’m like, “How ’bout a urinal, in my bedroom, and, “maybe a firearm, and a new babysitter. “The big three.” That was my big fear when I was a kid, wetting my pants. ‘Cause if you get like frightened or anything, or scared, which I was scared of everything, if you get frightened by something, you can just urinate right in your pants. And then your life is ruined. That’s a weird mind body connection, I never understood. Like your brain is like, “I’m terrified.” And then you’re bladder’s like, “We’ll, go ahead and piss then.” And then your brain’s like “That didn’t help at all.” And your bladder’s like “That’s all we know how to do. “We just wanted to let you know we were helping, hell.” And then your colon’s like “We’re ready to rock also, “if you want us to fire something up.” Fortunately, my Aunt Betty was never attacked by a man, behind the shower curtain. Which is good. I mean it could still happen, she’s still alive. But probably won’t, she lives with her parents, they have a security system set up. She’s always lived with her parents, she’s never moved out, she’s never been married. She had the wrong worst fear.

[audience laughs]

She should have been praying for a man, behind that shower curtain. She might have been to scooch on out of that house, but. That joke got mean evidently, but she’s an asshole in real life, don’t worry about it. You guys really took her side, that hurt my feelings, goddammit. What about my feelings? I’ll tell you what’s good about therapy, you get a diagnosis, you find out what’s going on, like what’s wrong, you know? Like we’re all fucked up, you know? If you go to therapy you get a diagnosis. Like I have OCD, obsessive compulsive disorder, which is fun. I like to say I have it. Some people word it differently, some people say this, “I am OCD.” You ever meet those people? Like, “I gotta go wash my hands, I’m OCD.” That triggers my OCD, ’cause I’m like, “You’re not saying it properly.” I guess it sounds normal, ’cause you hear it, so it sound normal. But watch me replace it with something else. “I gotta go wash my hands, I’m genital herpes.” See how that.

[audience laughs]

Like, I’m sorry, you have. “No, no I am genital herpes. “It’s who I am, call me Gen for short, it’s very serious.” I’m trying to relax more, it’s hard. I got into Buddhism, I’m like a Buddhist sort of, I read a Buddhist book, you know. It wasn’t a book, it was a meme, if I’m being honest with you guys, but, I like to say book, you sound smarter when you say read a book but memes are more, they’re preferable, they’re more succinct, you know. This is what it said, and a good quote, it said, “Let negative thoughts come into your head, “but don’t serve them tea.” Mm. ‘Cause you don’t want your negative thoughts, lingering around, drinking tea. That’s like the analogy I guess. My negative thoughts aren’t drinking tea, mine are doing cocaine. That’s a better analogy. My negative thoughts are like, “Climate change is gonna make the world uninhabitable. “Tomorrow!” Ah fuck. Jesus. I read this, human beings have up to 70,000 thoughts a day. Did you guys know that? I thought it was like nine, I had no idea. 70,000’s too many. I don’t think I have 70,000 thoughts a day, I feel like I have four thoughts a day, they just repeat 70,000 times. My four thoughts are my parent’s gonna die, I’m horny, is that cancer, is this funny? Those are the only four thoughts I ever have in my life.

I’ve been traveling a lot. It’s stressful to travel. I went to Israel last year. I don’t know if you guys have been. It’s New York, you probably have. I went to the Dead Sea. That’s like a big attraction in Israel. You guys know about the Dead Sea. Even if you’ve never been, you’re familiar. You can float. That’s like the big attraction to the Dead Sea. You float. I don’t know if you guys know this. Did you know this? You can actually float in any body of water. You do not have to travel to the Middle East if you’d like to float in water. You can do that right here in America. They don’t know that over there. They’re like, “Get in the water, you’ll float.” I’m like, “We have chairs that float. “They have little cup holders. “We do it all summer, it’s terrific. “We’ve got foam noodles. “You can buy them for three bucks.” But I went, I didn’t want to go, but you gotta try new things. That’s very important in life. That’s what they say. I think new things are overrated, honestly, once you get to a certain age. I’m 37, I like chicken parm and missionary sex. That’s all I’m really into. People are like, “What about veal and reverse cowgirl?” I’m like, “Those are inhumane if you asked me, “I don’t think we should.” But I went to the Dead Sea. I had a tour guide, he gave me some fun facts with the Dead Sea. He said, “It’s the lowest body of water on Earth.” I was like, “Oh, that’s neat.” Then he added a second part that I thought was annoying. He said, “It’s actually below sea level.” And I was like, “I don’t know if you’re smarter “than me or dumber than me, but it’s not below sea level. “It is sea level. “It’s the sea. “Whatever the level is, that’s the level. “You can’t be below yourself.” And he’s like, “Actually you can be” and I was like, “Maybe you should below yourself.” I thought that was hilarious. Right off the top of my head, that was pretty good. He didn’t laugh at all. I think something was lost in translation, but I thought it was a good zinger. He said this, he warned me, “When you get the water, “if you have any cuts or nicks or abrasions on your body, “you’re gonna really feel it, “because the salt can get in there. I was like, “I don’t have any cuts or nicks “or abrasions on my body, so I’m not too worried about it.” But then I got in the water and you know what I found out? Your pee hole qualifies as a cut, nick, or abrasion. I had no idea. All these years I’ve been walking around with a cut on the end of my penis or a nick, might be a dick nick, I’m not sure. I got in the water, I was like, “Ah, aah.” Then he was like, “Is your pee hole burning a little bit?” I was like, “You fucking knew about this?” “You gave me that shitty Snapple fact about the sea level, “but failed to mention I might have a burning pee hole. He goes, “It’s normal.” I’m like, “No, it’s not, that’s abnormal. “Normally, I have no burning in my penis while swimming.” He’s like, “You’ll get used to it.” I was like, “I’m not gonna get used to it. “I’m going to get out of the water and go back to America.” I don’t wanna just have a burning dick and be like, “Oh, it’s an acquired taste “after a few minutes, invigorating.”

Guys, if you wanna experience the Dead Sea, go home tonight, get a glass of water, fill it with salt, and then just ease down into there. Get a sense of what the Dead Sea’s about. Ladies, it’s harder. It’s hard to dip your vagina in a glass. Vaginas don’t dangle, you know. Some do, but I feel like. I don’t know if it happens with women because I was with a friend of mine, Rachel, she’s a woman. We got out of the water and I was like, “Rachel, my pee hole burns. “Did your vagina burn at all?” She was like, “I only went in knee deep.” I was like, “Oh, me too.”

[audience laughs and applauds]

Thank you, it was the proudest moment of my comedy career.

I went to Ireland last year. I’ve been there a couple of times. That’s a beautiful country. They like to fight there. That’s like a big stereotype, fighting Irish. I don’t like stereotypes, but they nailed that one. I saw so many fights. I saw the biggest fight I’ve ever seen, a big brawl. I was in Dublin. There was two bouncers from a bar fighting this one other guy and I think he was a patron. I don’t know how the fight started. It was already in progress when I got there. They might have been fighting for centuries. It was two on one and the three of them, they just kicked the shit out of each other. Eventually the two guys, they beat up the one guy because they had more arms than he had. That’s a big advantage in a fight. They knocked the guy down. This is what happened, they knocked the guy down, finally, and they didn’t hit him while he was down. They just kind of stood there like, “We’ve won the fight.” I was like, “I respect that.” Because here in America, if you get in a fight and you get a guy down, you kick him until he dies, you know what I mean? “We’re number one, goddammit.” I’m from Boston, maybe you guys aren’t. But he didn’t kick him, he didn’t hit him all. He just kind of stood there and then I was like, “These guys are real gentlemen. “They don’t hit a man when he’s down.” But then, plot twist. The guy who was laying on the ground, his girlfriend came running over and she was like, “You sons of bitches” and one of the guys blasted her right in the face. I was like, “Wow, I seem to have jumped the gun “on my assessment of these fellas. “Not quite as gentlemanly as I first suspected. “Won’t hit a man when he’s down, “will hit a woman when she’s up.” I was like, I better do something, goddammit. I’m a man, I’m an American. I’m gonna take action, so I did, I tweeted. I was like, “I just saw some crazy shit, #blessed, fire it off. Hit them where it hurts. The lady was fine, by the way. She wasn’t injured. I would not make a joke if she was hurt. She was completely fine. I think she might’ve been on meth. I think that because I read there’s a meth problem in Dublin and then when the woman got punched in the face, she went like this, “Ha!” and I was like, “I think that might be one of those “meth people I was reading about.” That seems like a methy reaction to a punch in the face. And by the way, she won the fight. Both guys were like, “Oh, shit, that’s crazy. “Let’s get outta here.” They kind of left and then she was crying and then she kind of hugged her man. He was bleeding in the street. They kind of hugged and for a moment, I got kind of jealous. I was like, “My wife and I never “do fun stuff like this anymore. “That’s really sweet, you know?” Then this part, you’re gonna think I’m making this up, but I swear to God this really happened. The woman, she walked over to the bar, she opened the front door of the bar and she yelled inside. She went, “All we wanted was some chips!”

[audience laughs]

That’s when I was like, “I really wish I saw the beginning of this fight “because I feel like there has to be more to that story. “There’s no way.” Like that woman was sitting at the bar, she was like, “Can we get some chips right over here?” “Take them outside, beat the shit out of him “and punch her right in the fucking face. “We do not sell chips at this establishment.” The rest of my time in Ireland, I was like, “Can I get some chips? “But if not, no big deal. “I know you’re very particular “about your chip distribution in this country. “I understand you had a famine some time ago. “I don’t want to ’cause any problems.” If you have a wife, we have sex. You guys having sex out there? You like that segue? You know what I like about sex? I like sex because you keep learning. You know what I mean? I’ve been having sex for a number of years, but like sometimes I still feel like it’s a learning experience. Recently my wife and I had sex. She had a cold, but we had sex anyways. She’s a real trooper, you know? In the middle of the sex, she coughed and it ejected my penis out of her body. Did you guys know that happens? Not a little bit, 100% out of her body. It was like, I was like, “Whoa, what?” It was like a magic trick. Evidently, that’s one tube all the way down, ears, nose, throat, vagina. It’s ENTV. I was like, “I gotta get some cough drops or a bigger dick. “Something has to change here.” Ladies, you know you can do that? Next time you’re having sex with your man and he’s not giving it to you the way you like it just give him a good. [coughs] “Don’t come back here with that weak ass shit. “I’ll cough you right out of this relationship.” I was nervous to get back in there. I’m like, “If she sneezes, “I’m gonna be dead on the ceiling over here.” I got back in there, back on the horse as they say, the horse, being my wife in this particular situation. She’s more of a pony, she’s very petite. I got in there, I was literally holding on to that headboard because I was nervous and then she did have to sneeze. I thought she was having an orgasm at first. They sound similar. She’s like, “Huh.” For one second I was like, “I’m fucking hitting it today, yeah.”

[audience laughs]

Then she sneezed and blew it in my face. I was like, “Oh, that makes more sense.” Then I came and said, “God bless you.” So, that was kind of hot, it was fun. That’s actually a better time to say, “God bless you,” really. Sex is fun, I love it. Sex is different when you’re married, though. I’m a dirty guy. I like to get dirty and weird, you know, like I’m a dirty guy. But when you’re married you can’t get too dirty because you have to segue back into your regular life together. You know what I mean? When you’re single, you can say crazy shit. You could do whatever. You’d can be like, “I can’t ever see this person again, “that was weird.” When you’re married, it’s hard to be like, “Step on my balls and choke me, bitch. And then five minutes later you’re like, “I’ll do the dishes if you vacuum, is that cool? “Sorry about earlier, I don’t know what happened there.” That’s why I go entry level dirty talk, just kind of regular, you know what I mean? The other day we were having sex and I don’t wanna get too graphic out of respect, but she was on top and I went, “Yeah, fuck me.” That’s something, right? Standard. And then she said, “I am.”

[audience laughs]

I had to be like, “No, I know, I know you are. “It was more of a rhetorical.” Then I tried to cough her off of me. I wanted to see if I could do it to her. Nothing doing, I gotta do some kegels or something. I love my wife, I love her family. She has a sister, we’re buddies. I was hanging out my wife’s sister the other day. You ever sent a text message too quick and you missed a letter or a word and it changes the whole text? We’ve all had that. I had that happen recently. I was hanging out my sister-in-law and my wife texted and she wrote, “How’s things going with my sister?” I wrote back, “Great, she’s a lot of fun, “I wish you were her.”

[audience laughs]

That’s a bad text.

[audience laughs]

I meant to write, “I wish you were here,” obviously. I felt bad, I had to call her. I was like, “Hey, I didn’t mean to write that, “I was distracted. “I was trying to fuck your sister, “but I got a little confused “but I wish you were here “so we could all fool around a little, “you know, like in the movies.” It’s weird when you date or marry someone with a sibling because siblings tend to look alike because they have the same parents but you’re not supposed to be attracted to the sibling because it’s inappropriate, but they look alike. You gotta pretend they don’t. You gotta be like, “Baby, you’re the most beautiful woman “I’ve ever seen in the whole world, “but this younger version of you is very off putting to me. “I would never be attracted “to a slightly newer version of you. “That’s gross”

[audience laughs]

I’m very attracted to my wife. I want her to be attracted to me. I don’t know, it’s hard because when you’re married, you want the person to be attracted to you. I googled things that are sexy to women and you shouldn’t do that. That’s a mistake. I read about 25 articles. I had none of the things in any of the articles, which was a bummer. One thing said making the bed is sexy. I make the bed, but I feel like that’s a bullshit article. That’s just a woman trying to get guys to make her bed, I’m pretty sure. Like someone was like, “Put down making the bed. “Let’s see if they try that.” Her editor’s like, “That’s not really sexy.” She’s like, “I know, but let’s get our beds made, “if nothing else, these guys are idiots.” I don’t picture a woman be like, “Ooh, look at the way he snaps out the wrinkles. “That’s so hot.” Some things I think it should be sexy to women, but they’re not. I don’t understand women. The other day, I was putting my socks on and my foot just ripped right through it. I was like, “Woosh.” I turn to my wife, I’m like, “Eh?

[audience laughs]

“You wanna bang or what?” She’s like, “What are you talking about? I’m like, “I’m too much man. “That’s what I’m talking about. “My goddamn socks can’t even contain me anymore.” She was like, “No, you idiot, you have a hole in the toe.” I’m like, “All right, whatever it is.” Sometimes it’s confusing what sexy is. My wife and I, one time we were watching Brokeback Mountain together and she got turned on, not by the sex. There is a scene, I don’t know if you saw the movie. I won’t give anything away in case you’ve been waiting 17 years to watch this masterpiece, but we were watching the movie. There’s a scene in the movie where Jake Gyllenhaal’s character, he yells at his father-in-law. He says, “Sit your ass down you old son of a bitch.” It’s like a big scene in the movie and then my wife was like, “Ooh, that was hot.” I was like, “Is that hot? “Should I be yelling at your dad? “Is that a turn on? “That never even crossed my mind. “I wake up every morning, “I do 100 push ups and I make the bed. “I never thought to reprimand your father.” I aim to please, though, you know? We went to visit her parents, her dad’s like, “I’m gonna take my princess out for ice cream.” I was like, “That’s what you think, you fat fuck.”

[audience laughs]

He was like, “What is wrong with you?” I’m like, “I don’t know what’s wrong with her? “That’s the real question. “You raised this weirdo. “I’m trying to stay sexually relevant. “I would love an ice cream. “But that’s not what she’s into, “so sit down you son of a bitch.” Didn’t turn her on at all, by the way. It turned her mother on. She loved it. She was like, “Yeah, give it to him. “I hate this dip shit.” I think I have a chance with her mother, we’ll see, feels inappropriate. You gotta spice it up, though. We’ve been together a long time, you know? Sex, you gotta mix it up. I’ll tell you what I like. I like shoes in bed, that’s my thing, anybody? I’m talking like high heels, not New Balance or Asics. They gotta be something nice. I like shoes in bed because they don’t belong in bed. It’s like a threesome, like “You shouldn’t be here, “but stick around, I like where this is going, you know?” That’s a sexy look on a woman, by the way, naked with shoes. Not a man. Man, we’re not quite able to pull that look off just yet. If I’m naked wearing shoes, I look like a toddler that ran away from his mother while she was changing him. You ever seen that when someone’s changing the kid and the kid makes a run for it? He’s like, “No.” Tiny dick flipping everywhere. He hides in the curtains. That’s me, you know? I think it’s when a woman is naked wearing shoes, it’s kind of like, she’s like, “I forgot to get dressed.” A man naked with shoes is like, “I forgot to take my medicine. “I don’t know what got into me, I’m sorry.” I like morning sex, that’s my favorite sex, morning sex. First thing, right?

[audience member screams]

Yeah, there you go. I love it, my wife doesn’t like it. I’m like, “Let’s have some morning sex.” She’s like, “No, I want to start my day.” Yeah, I want to start my day also. That’s what I was referring to. Frankly, it’s a little hurtful that you wouldn’t consider that part of your day. Then she’s just eating cereal. I just got cock blocked by Tony the Tiger. It’s not a great feeling. I think the problem with morning sex, morning breath. That’s the main problem. Morning breath I’m pretty sure is how doggy style sex got invented. There was a couple having sex first thing in the morning and then 30 seconds in the woman’s like, “Let’s try this with my face buried in the pillow. “That’ll be better. “We can still do it, I’ll just lift my genitals to you “and hide my nostrils in the linens. “Thank you for making the bed, by the way. “That’s really nice of you.” Thank you guys very much, that’s it.

[audience applauds and cheers]

Thanks a lot. I appreciate it. Thank you. Take care, thank you everybody.

[audience applauds and cheers]

Ladies and gentlemen, Joe List.

[audience applauds and cheers]

Oh, my God, let him hear it everybody, come on.

[audience applauds and cheers]

[relaxing instrumental music]


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