L.A., are you ready?
[cheers and applause]
Live from the Alex Theatre, give it up for Jo Koy!
What? What? Oh, shit. Wow. We’re in Los Angel– This is why I love coming home to Los Angeles. This is my home right now, man.
[cheers and applause]
This is where we do it. Like, just look around, man. Everyone, just look at this, man. Like, we got every color of the rainbow in the theater tonight. That’s when you know you’re in L.A. I mean, we got–like, you can smell each race in here. You know what I mean? I can smell every– like, you can– There’s, like, some tortillas right around here. Chicken and waffles right around… Right around this area there’s a chicken and waffle… Some Filipino food all over the goddamn place. [cheers and applause] Is that–is that– How many Filipinos in here right now? Let me just hear how many Filipinos.
Shit. That’s a lot of Filipinos. Somewhere in Glendale, there’s an empty hospital. No nurses working tonight. Nurses’ day off. Just doctors walking around, going, “Where’s Bernadette?” [Filipino accent] “She’s at the comedy show.” [chuckles] That’s how Filip– That’s how those Filipino nurses talk. Like, the ones that didn’t come to the show, the snitchy fuckin’ Filipino nurse. She’s pissed off that she didn’t go. All the other Filipino nurses came to the show. Now she’s telling the doctor, “She’s at the comedy show. “I was in the break room, “and her purse fall down, ticket fall out, “it says, ‘Jo Koy.’ “And she’s at the show, laughing, having good time.” If you’re not Filipino, that’s how they talk. My mom talks like that. Right? It doesn’t matter how exciting the news is, my mom’s face always looks depressed. Most exciting news in the world, depression on the face. “It’s your sister’s birthday.” “Your brother’s getting married.” “Oh, that sucks, Mom.” My mom would give the worst advice. The worst advi–That’s why I had to leave my mom. Worst advice. If I go to the bar, my mom’s the first one to call me and go, “Josep, are you going to a bar out there? “Are you going out there? To those bars? That bar?” “Yeah, I’m going to those bars, Mom, why?” “Which bar? Which bar, Josep? Which?” Like she knows all the fucking bars. “I’m just going to a bar. Why, Mom? Why are you call– I got to go.” “Well, because, Josep, the reason why I’m asking you…” That’s how my mom talks to me. She’s got to fucking sing. “Jo-sep, the reason why I’m telling you “why what bar is because there’s people out there putting drugs in the drinks.” “What are you talking about, Mom?” “Drugs, Josep, drugs. They call it ‘rupie.'” “Did you say, ‘rupie’?” “Yes, Josep, ‘rupie.'” “You mean ‘roofie’?” “Yes, Josep, ‘ru-pie.'” “Mom, why? Why are you talk–” “Because, Josep, what it is “is they put it in the drinks. And it’s a date rape drug.” “Mom, I’m all right. “I-I-I don’t think anyone’s gonna ‘rupie’ me. “So, thank you. I’m late, I got to go. Thank you for the advice, but, uh, I’m gonna be okay.” And then she gets mad. “Oh, okay, Josep, you know what? Then just go. “Go, Josep. “Go to those bars. “And drink several drinks. And put them all over the bar.” “Someone will put a rupie in one of those drinks. “You will drink it, fall asleep, you wake up, “they’re fucking your ass. “Fucking your ass. “And then you’ll wake up– ‘My butt hurt!’ You got rupied.”
Just a side note, any guy that’s ever roofied a girl, you’re a piece of shit. That’s fucked up. Roofie a girl. That is such bullshit. You roofie a girl. Are you kidding me? That’s horrible. Don’t roofie a girl. This is what I do… Creepy guys, listen up. Don’t roofie a girl. That’s illegal. This is what I do. When you’re out drinking with a girl, all right, use the voice that she thinks she hears when she’s being roofied. It’s hysterical. She doesn’t know what the fuck is going on. Like, right when she takes a sip out of her drink, just look at her and go, [deep, distorted voice] “How are you feeling?” “Wha–Wha?” “I said, ‘How are you feeling?'” “I don’t feel good.” “You don’t look good either.” [low chuckle] [chuckles]
There are some guys here that are gonna try that shit tonight. I swear to God. You creepy fuckers. Don’t do it at the bar across the street, you’ll get caught. Buy a girl a drink, and look at her, and go, “How are you feeling?” And she’s like, “I was at that show, asshole.” – I was in my first earthquake. It was about– it was about four years ago or five years ago. It was with my son. It was the first earthquake I was ever in with my son, and, uh, it was so funny, ’cause he was sitting–he was sitting on the couch like this watching, uh, TV, right? And, uh, and I’d just got out of the shower and I’m toweling off. Now, if you’ve never been in an earthquake, it lasts maybe, what, three seconds at the most? But it feels like eternity, right? So I just remember– I’d just got out of the shower, and I’m toweling off, and then all of the sudden, everything starts shaking. Just… [imitates rumbling] I was like, “Oh, fuck, earthquake,” right? So I had to go get my son, and everything was like slow-motion, so I started running to the living room. It was like, [slowly] “Jo! “Jo! Jo!” Wet, naked. “Jo! Jo!” I came around the corner, and my son looked at me like this… “Aah!” “Jo! Jo!” “Aah!” “Jo! Jo!” “Aah!” And the earthquake stopped, so I put him back on the couch, and I kissed him. I go, “I love you.” And I walk back to the room, wet, naked. And I was toweling off, and I started thinking to myself. I was like, “Should I tell him what just happened?” He has no idea what the fuck just happened. He was just watching SpongeBob SquarePants, and his wet, naked dad came running around the corner going, [slow] “I love you, Jo!” So I didn’t tell him. Fuck it, I’m gonna let it sit in the back of his head for the rest of his life. Every time there’s an earthquake, he’s gonna go, “Oh, shit! Do you see my dad? You see my dad?” [slow] “Jo!”
If you don’t have kids, all right, they’re a joy. I love my son to death, man. He’s eight years old–he’s the love of my life, all right? But if you don’t have kids and you’re thinking about having kids, ’cause I know there’s some people in here like, “I’m ready to have a kid. I want to be a mommy,” and there’s some guys like, “I want to be a daddy.” Um, shut the fuck up. Shut up. No, you’re not. You’re not ready. Look at me. Look at this. Look! Take a close look. I used to have long, beautiful hair. It’s gone! Pull out. Pull the fuck out. It’s your only option. Use it. Pull out. This is all you got to do. “Ha!” Baby, no baby. Minivan, sports car. There’s parents in here too. I see you guys. You don’t even have to tell me you’re a parent. You don’t have to applaud. You don’t have to say shit. I know what a parent looks like. Parents recognize parents. We just know. When I said, “pull out,” there were some parents in here like, “Yeah, I should have.” Parents don’t want to go home. You guys are laughing and having a good time right now, but in the back of your head, you’re like, “Fuck… I hope he’s asleep.” And he’s not. He’s not. When you go home, they’re waiting for you. You know why? ‘Cause your babysitter fed him fucking Cocoa Puffs and chocolate milk for fucking dinner. So now they’re standing by the front door like fucking crackheads. And they’re always holding heavy shit for no reason. Just naked with a box of LEGOs. And then you open the door, “Daddy!” Go to sleep! My son’s got to tell me six hours’ worth of shit in two minutes. The minute I walk in, he’s got to tell me everything he did while I was gone. “Daddy! You’re not gonna believe this, “but I played NBA 2K11 in 3D, Daddy! “Blake Griffin dunked the basketball “and the ball came right at me, and I was like, “‘Oh, my God, that is so cool!’ “Daddy, I made a basketball out of LEGOs, “but Mommy said I can’t throw it in the house “’cause it might break a window! “Daddy, I tried Yoo-hoo for the first time. I like chocolate!”
[cheers and applause]
Love my son. Any new parents out there? This is my only suggestion, right now. This is the only thing I can give you as another parent is take a lot of pictures and take a lot of videotape– as much as you can. And actually, every time your kid goes, “Mommy, pick me up. Daddy, carry me.” Pick ’em up. Carry ’em. Don’t look at ’em and go, “You got legs, walk!” Don’t do that shit, ’cause they grow up that fast, and there’s gonna come a time where they don’t want you to pick ’em up anymore and you’re gonna miss those fucking days. I’m gonna hold my son till he’s 20. I don’t give a fuck. We’re gonna be at the mall, my son’s gonna be like, “Dad, this is ridiculous.” “Just hurry up and burp, son.” Take a lot of video. Capture every moment. It’s called evidence. Everything that makes your son cry or be sad, get it on tape. Use it against him. The worst day of my son’s life was his first day of school. He didn’t want to go to school. Kept crying till 3:00 in the morning. Crying all night, “I don’t want to go to school, Daddy! “I want to stay home, Daddy! I don’t want to go! “I’m a good boy! “I don’t even know those people, Daddy, “and you’re gonna make me go to school! “I don’t want to go! [whining incoherently] I want to stay home!” And I’m like, “Jo! “Go to sleep! “It’s 3:00 in the morning! “Go to bed! Baby, you’re gonna have fun in school. “You get to learn things in school. “You get to meet new friends in school. “You get to play with your new friends at recess. “You’re gonna have fun, baby. “Daddy’s gonna take you to school, so why are you scared? I’m gonna be there for you.” And then I was like, “Oh, shit, “I got to get the camera. I got to get all this crying on tape.” That way, when he gets older and starts talking shit, I got that tape. ‘Cause you know how little boys are when they’re 16. They talk shit to their dads. It’s like, “Dad, why are you a dick all the time?” And I go, “Really?” and I pop the tape in. “What about that, bitch?” But that didn’t happen.
I brought him to his first day of school. My son grew up just like that, right before my eyes. Turned into a little man. Teacher said his name, he walked right past me. I tried to kiss him, he did that Matrix shit on me. Standing in the single-file line like this, holding his backpack. And these two little boys that obviously went to preschool together. They’re in the same class. They run up behind my son. “This is gonna be fun. “We’re gonna have fun in kindergarten. We’re gonna have fun in kindergarten!” My son doesn’t even know these kids, but he keeps looking at them, trying to engage in some type of conversation. Like, [childlike voice] “Yeah, this is gonna be fun.” “Yeah, I-I’m gonna be your friend.” [growls] “Look at my ting-ting.” [laughs] I’m across the auditorium, I’m recording everything, and he sees me. So I mouth to him. I go, “I love you. I love you.” And my son goes like this… What a dick, right? And then a teacher goes, “All right, we’re gonna take “the kids to class, and even if your kid starts crying, “don’t come with us ’cause we’re trying to break that bond. Parents, stay in the auditorium.” I go, “All right, now my son’s gonna cry.” Reality check. Daddy’s got to leave. So I run up to my son. I’m trying to squeeze one tear out of this fucker. I’m saying mean shit too, like, “Daddy’s got to go. That’s a lot of scary people here.” “Watch out.” My son goes like this, “So what, Daddy? “Just go. Get out of here.” And I was like this… [dejectedly] “Okay.” “You don’t–you don’t have to say it so loud. “I just want you to know I made you a sandwich “and I put Go-Gurt in your backpack, “and there’s a Capri Sun. “And if you’re still hungry, Daddy put $3 in your pocket “so you can get– I got to go. I got to go.” And I leaned in to kiss him like this and put his little baby hand on my face, just like that. So cute. And he goes, “Move.” He fucking pushed my face and walked out that door with those two boys he’d just met in line. And now they think he’s king shit ’cause he just bitch-slapped his dad. So I stopped him. You’re not gonna punk me. I don’t give a fuck if you’re five. I was like, “Jo, turn around. Daddy’s got to talk to you. Turn around.” He’s like, “What you want, Daddy? I’m with my friends.” His one friend’s like, “You okay, Jo?” “I got this.” “What you want, Daddy?” I go, “Baby, I just want you to know one thing “before you go to class, okay? “I just want you to know that I, uh… I could have pulled out.” “What are you talking about, Daddy?” “I’m just saying you could have ended up on a pillowcase or a shirt.” “Daddy, what are you talking about?” “I’m just saying, your mommy could have swallowed you. I’ll pick you up at 2:15.”
I’m gonna tell you a story about Filipino moms and their sons. Now, Filipino moms do shit to their sons that may not be socially accepted in America, but I just want you to know, I’m okay. Now, I know that’s a creepy way to introduce a joke, but just believe me, I’m all right. Now, my mom was at my house when, uh, my son was about 3 1/2, 4 years old, okay? And he just got done taking a bath, and he’s like, “Daddy, I’m done taking a bath! Come and get me!” Right? And my mom was like, “Little Jo, I’ll take care of you. Come to Grandma! Come on, come to Grandma!” And my son was like, “Grandma!” And he jumped out of the bathtub– wet, naked– running to his grandma. “Grandma! Grandma! Grandma!” “Come to Grandma!” “Grandma! Grandma! Grandma!” “Come to Grandma!” “Grandma! Grandma! Grandma!” And he got right in front of his grandma, and my mom grabbed his dick and went, “I got your tite!” “Aah!” And he fucking ran. “Aah!” And I laughed. [laughs] ‘Cause she used to do that shit to me! I used to hate it when my mom grabbed my tite.
And here’s the fucked-up part. My mom would get mad at me for getting mad at her for touching my tite. How fucked up is that? She’s like, “I got your tite!” I’m like, “Mom! Don’t do that!” [offended gasp] “Why can I not touch your tite?” “‘Cause I’m 32!”
I love her. I don’t know how my mom did it. You know what I mean? My mom’s amazing. You know what I mean? She had two kids that were living at home at the time when she was, you know, when she was single, you know? And she raised both of us, uh, really well. She was amazing. She became the mother and the father. And the reason why I tell you that is because she reminded us every fucking day. There wasn’t a day that my mom didn’t tell us that. Just me and my sister just playing in the room, playing around, and then my mom would just come into the room and go, “I just want you kids “to know one thing. “I’m the mother and the father.” “I bring home the bacon, and I cook that motherfucker too.”
My mom was tough as shit. I dare anybody to fuck with my mom’s kids. Dare anybody. My mom was 4’10”. She’ll fight anybody. She didn’t give a shit. That’s how tough my mom was. I remember one time I was at a shoe store, and I was fucking up the shoe wall. You know, the shoe display wall? Fucking it up. Just putting shoes all over the place, right? And the salesman saw me and was like, “Hey, get the fuck out of here! Fucking up the shoe wall. Get the fuck out!” He’s cursing at me, right? He didn’t know my mom was in the back of the store. He couldn’t see her. She’s 4’10”! My mom popped around the corner, she was like, “Hey! “Who are you talking to? “You don’t talk to my children like that! “Who are you, huh? I want to speak to the manager!” And the guy started making fun of my mom’s accent. [mocking Filipino] “Oh, you want to spek-spek “to the manager? Huh? You want to tok-tok to the man-a-ger?” And my mom goes, “Oh, that’s funny. “You’re making fun of my accent? “I live in your country, and I speak two languages– “Tagalog and English. “You live here. How many do you speak? One? You’re stupid.”
So the guy started cursing at my mom, right? He was like, “You know what? I don’t need to hear this shit. “Get the fuck out of my store! Take your kid and get the fuck out of my store!” Right? So my mom started cursing back, right? And I’ve seen my mom curse before, but we’d never seen her get into a curse fight. And when you curse, certain words go together, but my mom takes whatever curse words she knows and throws ’em at you. He’s like, “Get the fuck out of my store!” And my mom goes, “Oh, yeah? You son of a shit! “Fuck your pussy has a dick with shit in it and your pussy “has a mother, mothershit, you! Fuck your pussy, you!” I looked at my sister, go, “Did Mom just say ‘mothershit’?”
If I lost something, I lost it. My mom would never help us find shit, right? Normal parents–normal parents help their fucking kids, right? Normal parents help. It’s like, “Okay, what? “Did you lose something? Your keys? “What? Was it in your pants? “Well, what jeans? Were you wearing jeans? Well, let’s look for those jeans.” That’s how you fucking help your kids find shit. Not my mom. If I lost something, I can guarantee my mom’s right behind me fucking with me. Right? She enjoys that shit. If I’m looking under the couch, I guarantee my mom’s right behind me like, “Oh, what? What? What? “What? What’s under– What’s under the couch, Josep? “Is it your keys? “Did you lose your keys again? Oh, maybe they walk under the couch like that?” Now I got to ask my mom for help. That’s the worst mistake I can make. “Mom, I’m late for work. Do you know where my keys are?” “Josep, did you just ask me where your keys are? “Isn’t that a stupid question? “That is a stupid question, Josep. “‘Excuse me, person that does not drive my car, do you know where my keys are?'” [laughs] “That is stupid, Josep! “Why don’t you ask me where my keys are? “I’ll know the answer to that. “Go ahead, Josep. Ask me! Come on! Ask me right now!” “Mom, do you know where your keys are?” [laughing] “Of course I do! “Of course I do, Josep! “I know where my keys are all the time. “You know why, Josep? “Because I put them in the same place “that I always put my keys. “I hang them over here, oh, on this wooden plaque… “that says ‘keys.’ “Josep, when you lose something, “do you use your eyes to look for it, “or do you use your mouth? “Because every time you lose something, Josep, “you use your mouth to find something. “You can’t find anything like that, Josep. “You just walk around, ‘Has anybody seen my keys? “‘I don’t know where my keys are. “I’m late for work.’ Open your eyes! Look for them!”
My mom never hit us, and she never put us in time-out. She had something better than that. It was called lecturing. If I did something wrong, my mom had at least two hours’ worth of shit to say about it. And it would last so long that it would just–I would look at my mom and go, “Mom, just fucking hit me already.” “I don’t want to hear your voice anymore.” And if I did something wrong, it wasn’t because– like, if I got a bad grade in school– it wasn’t because I wasn’t studying, it was because I was trying to kill my mom. I was physically trying to kill my mother. You know what I mean? Like, my mom would look at me and go, “Josep, you’re getting a D in math? “Why? Why are you doing that, Josep? “I did not come to this country to give you a better education, “that way you get a D and not be successful in life, “and then you’re going to live in poverty. “That’s how I live in the Philippines. “I do not want you to do that, Josep. “Are you trying to give me heart attack? “I’m going to die, Josep. Why are you going to do this to me, Josep?” I’m like, “Mom, just fucking hit me. Hit me, Mom.” [laughs] The only time my mom ever got physical with me was at church. Weirdest place, right? Physical at church. And the reason why is ’cause when you’re 10, 11 years old, you hate church for the simple fact that you don’t– you got to sit there for an hour and a half on this wooden pew. And you got to sit there. When you’re 10, 11 years old, you don’t even have ass meat yet. It’s just bone on wood. That’s why kids move around so much, ’cause they can’t feel their asses anymore. And that guy won’t stop preaching. Just… [religious vocalizing] “Josep! Josep! “Sit up straight! “What is wrong with you? “Stop acting like this, huh? “I’m telling you, this is my last warning. “You better stop acting like this, I’m telling you. You will not be happy.” [religious vocalizing] “Josep! “Turn around! Turn around! “Sorry, sorry. “What is wrong with you? “Why are you acting like this? “You better behave, huh? “This is my last warning, huh? “I’m telling you right now, you will not be happy.” And I would taunt my mom, ’cause we were in church. I’m like, “What are you gonna do? Are you gonna– are you gonna hit me?” And my mom would take her fingertips, the tips of her nails, and she would grab a pinch of skin– You know what I’m talking about, right? And she would pinch so hard I could actually feel the nails touch inside of me. It would hurt so bad that I would lean in like this, “Aah!” And my mom would whisper in my ear, “Who’s laughing now?” – This is my 19th year in stand-up, and when I told my mom 19 years ago that I wasn’t going to college, she cried. Cried. “Why, Josep? “Comedian, really? That’s what you want to do? “There’s no–there’s no future in comedian, Josep. “There’s no money to be made in comedian, Josep. “What are you, a clown? “You’re going to be clown, Josep? “How about if you get sick, Josep? “There’s no health insurance. “There’s no health insurance if you get sick. “How are you going to pay the doctor? “Jokes? “‘Oh, thank you, doctor. What do I owe you? “‘Oh, really? Knock-knock.'”
The one person that did believe in me–my Lola Tina. My grandmother, right? My grandmother passed away of cancer, uh, 19 years ago. Like, she passed away of cancer. And the cool thing about my grandmother is she fought that shit to the end. She was diagnosed with it, and she was supposed to go like that, and she ended up fighting that shit for five years, and we all– Yeah, it was amazing. [cheers and applause] It was a sad time, but it was a good time. You know what I mean? ‘Cause I got to– We all moved to Vegas. That’s why I moved to Vegas, is to be with my grandmother. And, uh, and it was a sad time, but it was a good time, because, uh, those times that I was with her, she would, you know– I got to meet my grandma. I got to know my grandma. She would tell me stories, and I would just sit there and listen all day. Man, she would tell me all kinds of stories, and I would just listen to her like, “Are you serious? “Really, Grandma? So she used to lose her keys too, huh?” Tough as shit, man– my grandmother was tough. And I know that’s where I got my funny from, my grandmother, you know what I mean? She was funny, and she would do it indirectly. Like, catch me off guard all the time. Like, I would take her to chemo, and we’re just driving in the car, and she’d be like, “Josep… Josep.” I’m like, “What, Grandma?” “I just want you to know that when I die–” I’m like, “Grandma, don’t say that. I don’t like it when you talk like that.” “No, it’s okay. “Why can I not talk about that? “I’m gonna go to Heaven. You don’t want me to go to Heaven?” One time, we were sitting on the couch, right? And my– and we’re watching TV. It’s a true story. This is so fucked up. She goes, “Josep. Josep.” I go, “What, Grandma? What?” She’s like, “I just want you to know that when I– when I pass away–” I’m like, “Grandma, please. Don’t talk like that. I don’t like it when you talk–” “No, it’s okay, Josep. “I am okay with it, you should be okay with it also. “But when I pass away, I just want you to know that every time you go to sleep”… “I’m going to be watching you.” “Sometimes I will tickle your toes, “and you’ll wake up, “and then you’ll look at your feet, and then I’ll go, ‘Ahhh.'”
One time, I was taking her back, right, from chemo, and I laid her on her bed, right? I put her on the bed, and I go, “Lola, if you need anything, just call me. “I’ll be right here. I’ll take care of you, okay? Just call me.” She’s like, “Okay, Josep. Love you.” I go, “I love you.” And I started to walk out, and she goes, “Josep! Bless me! Bless me!”
If you’re not Filipino, let me tell you what blessing is. This is what we do with our elders. When you leave and you say good-bye to your elders, this is what we do. Can you stand up? Just stand– let me touch your– get your hand, and you touch the forehead like that. It’s a sign of respect. That’s what we do. We don’t look at our elders and go, “Fuck you, peace.” We don’t do that. “Bye, bitch.” And then walk. We show respect. That’s what you do. And she was like, “Josep, bless me. You can’t leave without blessing your grandmother.” And I was like, “Oh, my God, Grandma. I’m so sorry. I’ll be right there.” And I go, and I grab her hand, right. And I go to touch my forehead, and before I touch my forehead, she grabbed my dick and went, “I got your tite!” I’m like, “Fuck!” Ragh!
Pretty sure that’s where my grandma– my mom got all, you know, her personality from. My mom is a spitting image of my grandmother. And it’s cool, I love it. Any time my mom needed to get her point across, she knew how to do it. ‘Cause I never listen to my mom. I always do that. You know what I mean? I just go, “Mom, are you serious? No, that’s ridiculous.” And I’d just walk away from her, and she gets mad, right? But she always found a way to tell me that I was doing something wrong, or she needed to show me, like, “Josep, you need to correct this. Here’s why.” Right? One time, like– I suffer from this thing called sleep apnea, okay? If you don’t know what sleep apnea is, just ask one of the nurses inside the building. They’ll tell you. It’s a form of snoring, only it’s worse. It’s worse than snoring. I choke when I sleep. And I’m loud. I’m so loud that I wake myself up. And you got to see the way I sleep. It’s disgusting. Like, this is what– this is how– This is what I look like when I sleep. [tries to snore through closed throat] Aah! Who is it? Who’s out there? – I didn’t know I had sleep apnea. My mom told me I had sleep apnea. I was asleep at her house about six years ago, sleeping in the guest room, the same way I always do, just like this– [choked snoring] And I woke up– [gasping] My mom’s at the foot of the bed like this. “Oh, my God, Josep!” “You’re dying!” I go, “Mom, I’m not dying. I’m snoring.” “Josep, that is not snoring. You look like this”… “Josep, you have to go to a doctor and get that checked out. “I’m telling you, you’re going to die, “and I don’t want you to die, Josep, because I’ll die of heart attack if you die, oh, my God, Josep–” “Mom, I’m not gonna go to a doctor for snoring. How long were you watching me? That’s creepy.” And I kicked her out. “Get out of here! Get out of here, Mom!” “I’m sorry, Josep. “I did not mean to startle you. “It’s just that I was walking to the kitchen, “and I heard a noise coming from the guest room. “It sounded like… someone was killing a bear.” “And I was like, ‘I don’t have a bear.'” “So I opened the door, “and I noticed that it was just you, Josep. “Snoring. “So, I’m sorry. You don’t have to go to a doctor. “Just go to sleep. Go to sleep.” “And die.”
So, I went back to sleep. Same shit. [choked snoring] And I woke up. [gasping] My mom’s at the foot of the bed with a fucking camcorder. “I got it all on videotape!” “You fucking recorded me?” “Uh-huh, Josep, I put it on videotape. “That way, you can see what I’m talking about, Josep. “It’s not right. Watch the videotape. You’ll go to a doctor, Josep. Please watch it–” I’m like, “All right, Mom, I’ll watch the videotape! I can’t believe you recorded me, Mom.” “Just watch the tape.” “All right, put it in.” And she put the tape in. Before she pressed play, this is what my mom did. “Everybody, come downstairs! “We’re going to watch Josep sleep. It’s scary!” She pressed play. I watched it. It’s the creepiest video you’ll ever see. It’s shot in that– that black light. You know what I mean? Like, that surveillance-video shit. It’s pitch-dark in the hallway. My mom can’t even see herself. She’s just standing in front of the camera, and she’s documenting the whole thing like she’s– she’s on Discovery. “We’re outside my son’s room. “He says that– “that he is snoring, and I told him that he is not snoring. “So, I’m going to get this on videotape. “That way, he’ll see it, and then go to a doctor. Um, let’s take a closer look.” I watched the videotape. It’s horrible. It’s horrible. And I saw myself sleeping. I couldn’t believe it. I ended up going to a sleep center. I had to go there. They had to monitor my sleeping behavior. You know what I mean? The doctor put all these wires on my toes, these wires on my fingertips, this chest pad to monitor my heart. They put this crown on my head to monitor my brain waves. When the doctor put all that shit on me, he was like, “All right, you can sleep now.” I was like… I was like, “Are you fucking kidding me? I look like a Christmas tree.” But I fell asleep. I can sleep in any situation back then, man, and I fell asleep. The doctor let me sleep about 15 minutes, maybe 15 minutes. And he kicked the door open. Scared the shit out of me. Like, he literally kicked the door open. [imitates kick] “Get up!” I was like– [gasping] Piss. He goes, “How long you been sleeping like this?” I go, “My whole life.” He goes, “Holy shit!” He goes, “I’m surprised you’re not dead yet!” I go, “Why?” He goes, “You sleep like a 400-pound obese man.” I go, “Are you serious?” He goes, “Yeah, I’m serious. “We monitor how many times you wake up a minute. Want to know how many times you wake up a minute?” I go, “How many times?” He goes, “60 times a minute.” There’s only 60 seconds in a minute. That means I’ve been sleeping like this my whole life… Ka! Ka! Ka! Ka! Ka! Ka! Ka! Ka! Ka! Ka! Ka!
He wanted to perform surgery that week. He goes, “I want to cut your soft palate out “and your tonsils out. “That way you breathe better. You have a passage– an open passage for you to breathe better.” And I was like, “Well, how long is the healing process?” He goes, “About three months.” I go, “I can’t do that. I’m on the road every week. I can’t do that.” He goes, “Well, there is an alternative.” I go, “What?” He goes, “A CPAP machine.” Yeah. A CPAP machine. If you don’t know what a CPAP machine is– I have to wear this mask on my face, all right? These two straps go behind my head. It looks like I have a jockstrap on my face. This hose goes out into a machine, I press power, and it blows air down my throat. But when I wear it, I sleep like an angel. Just– [purrs] Every now and then, I’ll knock the straps off. [imitates snapping] It’s like a scene from Aliens. I don’t tell any girl about this machine until the first night we do it… ’cause if I tell her before, it’s a deal breaker. No girl is gonna sleep with a guy with a fuckin’ machine next to his bed. She walks into the room, and she sees that machine, she’s like, “What the fuck is that?” And I just look at her and go… [deep, distorted voice] “How are you feeling?”
I love you so much, you guys. Thank you.
[cheers and applause]
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