ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the stage… Jimmy O. Yang!
[MUSIC – METER MOBB FT TOO $HORT, “YOU CAME TO PARTY”]
How’s everybody doing? Yes, yes. Thank you. Thank you guys very much for coming out. What’s up, y’all beautiful people? This is great, man. You guys can have a seat now. You guys can have a seat. Thank you, thank you so much. Where my Asian people at, Asian people?
Hey! You came out! We’re out here representing, man. I got to say, it’s been a couple of good years for us Asians, right? We had Crazy Rich Asians last year. That was a huge moment for us, yeah. Jeremy Lin won a championship… for doing nothing. He’s the first Asian kid to receive a participation trophy. We got to be proud of him, finally.
It’s great, great couple of years, man. But this is recent history. I don’t know if you guys remember this. Just three years ago, there was a movie called The Great Wall— starring Matt Damon. It was a real movie. It was Matt Damon in ancient China fighting dragons and shit, and everybody spoke English? I said, what the fuck is this? But you got to understand. I’m not mad at Matt Damon, OK? He’s an actor. That’s what he does for a living. That’s how he gets a check. I get it. If somebody were to offer me a lead role in a movie called Mount Rushmore,… I would play the shit out of George Washington, you know what I mean?
No shame in my game. I’ll play George Washington Carver if they let me. That’s a black guy, by the way. I don’t know if you know.
Gotta represent, man. I see a lot of people out here in the streets, they want to come up to me, but they’re not really sure. There’s a lot of debate amongst their friends. They’re like, hey, man, are you sure that’s him? If we go up there, we got to be sure. Because if we go up there and it’s not him, we’re gonna look super racist. Are you sure that’s not Ken Jeong? I don’t know. It looks kind of like Ali Wong. I don’t know.
And they come up to me, it’s always like, the first thing they say, like, hey, hey, man, aren’t you that dude Jian-Yang from that show Silicon Valley? And I’m like, oh, thanks. Thank you. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, thank you. Thank you, I appreciate that. Yeah, I am. And then they’re like, oh, shit, I didn’t even know you speak English in real life! I’m like, it’s called acting, motherfucker. Like, did you really think Matt Damon was Chinese? Like, what’s wrong with you?
I don’t know what the disconnect is. Like, if a white actor does a British accent, he’s a thespian. He wins an Oscar. If I do a Chinese accent, I’m automatically from the old country.
Representation matters, man. A lot of Asian people come up to me, very proud, very nice. They’re like, Jimmy, thank you for represent the Asians, man. I’m like, eh, you’re welcome. But you do understand, it’s not really a choice, right? Like, when you wake up Asian, you can only represent Asians. I couldn’t just wake up one day and be like, fuck it, I’m representing Nigerians today.
I’m very proud to represent Asians. But at the same time, there’s so much pressure. Like, nobody ever went up to Matt Damon and be like, hey, Matt, thanks for representing the whites. It sounds weird. That’s like a different conversation for some reason, you know? If somebody came up to me being like, hey, Jimmy, I’m representing for the whites, I would leave that town immediately and never come back.
So much pressure to represent. I got to be a good Asian everywhere now. I got to tip everywhere I go. That was one of the major advantages of being Asian, is I could just pretend I don’t know how to tip. Y’all know what a Chinese tip is? Chinese tip, it doesn’t matter how big your bill is, you tip $2. That’s a Chi– That’s a Chinese tip, man.
Now I got to tip 20% everywhere. I got to give every Uber driver five-star ratings just so I can be a good representative.
Everywhere I go, I got to represent. Even day to day shit, even the bedroom I got to represent. After I hooked up with this one girl, this is what she said to me. She was like, Jimmy, I don’t know how to tell you this, but you’re the first Asian guy I’ve ever been with. I’m like, OK. What do you want, a fortune cookie? Like, wha–? Like, what do you want? She acted like she just unlocked a new character on Street Fighter or some shit. Why do you feel the need to say that?
This one girl said this shit that was so disrespectful. This is what she said to me after we hooked up. She was like, Jimmy, um, I’m just glad the stereotype’s not true. You don’t have a small penis. I’m like, bitch, you understand you just insulted my entire race of people? But thank you. First of all, thank you for thinking that I did have a small penis, and we still had sex. You’re the real MVP. You get two fortune cookies tonight, miss. Thank you.
But that’s a fucked up stereotype, right? That’s not even true. That’s a fucked up stereotype. Everybody should have average dick until proven guilty. I don’t care how tall you are, what ethnicity you are, how big your hands are. Everybody should start at average dick, 8 inches. And we go from there.
There’s so much pressure, man. I feel like every time I have sex, there’s a billion Chinese people on my back just judging me. I gotta make sure I perform and represent, you know? I got to get them an extra pump for my uncle in Shanghai, an extra pump for my nephew in Hong Kong and shit. It’s like, oh, my god. That’s why you see old Asian people, they be walking like this, just like– (CHINESE ACCENT) It’s so much pressure.
I love old Asian people, man. Yeah, yeah, old Asian people are the best. But why are all old Asian people always stretching in the park? Like, it doesn’t matter which city you’re in, which park you go to, you wake up, 6:30 in the morning, you see about 250 old Asian people all doing this shit at the same time, for like three hours. What the fuck are they doing? And my dad was trying to explain to me. He’s like, oh, they’re warming up to do Tai Chi. I’m like, for how long? And ironically, Tai Chi is a warm-up in itself. So they’re warming up to warm up for nothing. And I think to a lot of Americans, like, people think that Tai Chi to some, like, exotic Chinese secret, some oriental art. No. Tai Chi is just exercise for people who are too old to exercise. Let’s not exoticize these things, you know?
It’s actually super simple to do Tai Chi. I went to a park, watched those old people for like an hour, and I learned how to do Tai Chi. Very simple, all you gotta do is two things. All you gotta do to do to Tai Chi is pretend you’re wiping down a window and getting a blow job at the same time. You guys seem skeptical. Allow me to demonstrate.
It’s very simple. All you gotta do, you get it your little stance, right, OK? And then you wipe down a window. And now you get a blow job. Then you lift her head up, because you’re a gentleman, you know? That’s Tai Chi.
Thank you, thank you. Let’s not exoticize these Asian things. They’re just old people reminiscing about the days when they got sucked off. That’s it.
You got to take advantages of all these, like, Asian stereotypes, you know? If people are just going to exoticize us, that’s fine. Whenever somebody asks me to do something I don’t want to do, I just make up a fake Chinese holiday now. It’s like, hey, Jimmy can you help me move next Monday? I’m like, Monday? That’s the Dragon Boat Lychee Boba Festiva, dog. I can’t– I can’t just help you move. My grandfather died for that shit, you understand?
And if people are just gonna assume that I don’t speak English, that’s fine. That’s what I do now when I get pulled over by the cops. I just pretend I don’t speak English. I haven’t gotten a ticket in five years. Last time I got pulled over, the cop was knocking on my window. He was like, sir, you do understand you can’t make a right turn here? It says right there on the sign. You can’t make a right turn. So I just looked up at him. I was like, (CHINESE ACCENT) Oh, I don’t know. I’m sorry, but-ah English not very good. So I cannot read-ah the sign. And he was really confused. He just looked back down at me. He was like, sir, the sign is not in English. It’s a diagram, so I don’t understand how that’s a language barrier? So I just looked up at him. I was like, (CHINESE ACCENT) Oh… I don’t know. But do you know today is the Dragon Boat Lychee Boba–
You got to use it to your advantage, people. I’m very happy to be here, man.
Thank you. Oh, you guys don’t have to– thank you. Thank you for all your support. It’s been great. It’s been really great. Like, I’m finally– I’m like quasi-famous now. Nothing’s really changed. I might get a free appetizer at select PF Chang’s. That’s about it. Nothing’s really changed. I was still using Tinder up until like a year ago. This is a true story. But now I realize I got a whole new set of issues on Tinder. Like now, when I do match with a girl, she doesn’t believe that it’s me. Like, ew, that’s not you. You’re not that guy from this thing and that thing. I’m like, who the fuck is using me as a fake profile? You gotta dig real deep to use me, man. I feel like there’s so many better choices out there.
One time– one time, my agent told me that I had a good look. And I’m like, thanks, dude, I appreciate that. But then it took me years to realize that having a good look is totally different than being good-looking. I still don’t know what the fuck it means.
And look, I’m not being self-deprecating, OK? That’s Hollywood talk. I don’t listen to that shit. I understand that, in real life, I’m like super good-looking– if you’re into anime. You gotta get in where you fit in, people. One time, I went over to the girl’s house, she has this, like, Naruto anime poster in her bedroom. I knew I was fucking that night. You got to know your demo, people. Asian people, we don’t need Tinder anymore. We just go to BTS concerts. That’s how we do that parking lot pimping.
I’ve been dating a lot of tall girls lately, because it makes me look successful. No, no. I think tall women are beautiful. But some of them like to wear heels. That’s just disrespect. Like, you’re already five inches taller than me. Why the fuck are you wearing heels? She’s like, it makes my ass look better. I’m like, your ass is at my eye level right now. Neither of us look good, OK? I look like a child, and you look like a child molester.
Last time– the last time I took a tall girl to this concert– I don’t know if you guys know this, but apparently, tall people have fun at concerts. Are you guys aware of that? I’m 5′ 5″. I just go to concerts to smell other people’s armpits. I’m like what the fuck’s the point of this? She was having the time of her life, doing whatever tall people do at concerts, you know, jumping around, obstructing other people’s views, seeing everything. I was frustrated. I had enough. So I just looked up at her, I was like, hey! Pick me up. This is bullshit. I paid for these tickets, OK? I want to see Billy Eilish, too. Come on.
I know I’m becoming an adult finally, because now my favorite TV show is Fixer Upper on HGTV. That’s the greatest show of all time. You guys watch it, Chip and Joanna Gaines, Fixer Upper? It’s a great show, right? It’s a great show. Like, it’s really a beautiful relationship. Joanna does all the interior decorating, and she brings in all the furniture and makes the house look amazing. And Chip just hires Mexicans to do everything for him. It’s the most symbiotic American relationship ever.
And it’s a really nice show. It’s a feel-good show. It’s an aspiring show. You watch the show and you’re like, man, one day, maybe my house could look that nice– if I moved to Waco, Texas. If I just give up on my life and move to Waco, Texas, maybe I can have a new open concept kitchen.
I don’t know about you guys. Shit is expensive where I live in LA. And I watch this show and I just get frustrated. Because you get, like, these like, entry-level-job-having people in Texas. And they’re like, Joanna, we’re looking for a six bedroom house on three acres of land and our budget’s $50,000. Bitch, I can’t even buy a crack house in Compton for $50,000.
HGTV is just basically “MTV Cribs” for adults. Because when you were 15, you had crazier dreams, you know? You watch “MTV Cribs,” and you’re like, oh, man, one day, I hope I can have a Lamborghini. One day, I hope I can have a fridge with only Gatorades. And now, you’re like 35, your dreams just get a little more realistic. You’re watching HGTV, and you’re just, like, oh, man, one day, I wish I could just fix this roof.
Look, I’m doing, like, fine by any measure, you know? But I still live in a one-bedroom apartment because that shit is rent-controlled. And when the Asian people, when we find a good deal, we’re never letting that shit go. -Yeah.
That apartment is about to be generational. It’s gonna get passed to my nephew, his kids, and all that. It’s mine now, basically. I don’t want to buy a house. I live by myself, and I’m scared of ghosts. I’ve seen enough movies to know that ghosts only haunt houses, not one bedroom apartments.
Yeah. I’ve seen enough Hollywood movies to know that ghost only haunt rich people’s houses in the suburbs, preferably with a newborn baby, because they got way too much to lose. Shit is high stakes. I live by myself. I ain’t got nothing to lose. A ghost come haunt me, I just move. Worse comes to worse, I lose my security deposit. Fuck it, you know? What’s a ghost gonna do? He’s gonna follow me from unit to unit, start knocking on my light fixtures and shit. I’m like, hey, dog, go ahead. It’s not even mine. You fuck around, we both get evicted, OK? Like, you don’t want to be a homeless ghost.
And if you really think about it, what kind of loser ghost haunts an apartment? That means that ghost probably died in an apartment. He didn’t even die a homeowner. I ain’t got no respect for that shit. He comes haunt me, I just start talking shit to him. Like, hey, dog, what was your credit score when you died, though, like, for real? For real.
I was born in Hong Kong. Any Hong Kong people? A couple of us– awesome, man. For you guys that haven’t been following the news, Hong Kong is a part of Japan. I’m joking, obviously. But I said the same shit in Kansas City, and people were like, really? Wow, we learned something new today, Bill.
I did a show in Kansas City. I don’t know why either. People are very nice in Kansas City. I’m not gonna say, like, they’re racist or anything like that, but they’re just, like, curious. Like they’re watching me like they’re watching an episode of National Geographic. And a pack of giraffes just ran by, and they’re like, oh, I’ve never seen one of those in real life. It looks majestic.
This one kid in Kansas City came up to me after the show, very nice kid. This is what he said. He was like, ah, Jimmy, thought you were really funny, man. I don’t mean to offend you– that’s when you know you’re about to get offended. He was like, I don’t mean to offend you, but when I first saw your poster, I thought you were gonna play the violin. I was like, I do, motherfucker, just not right now. Shit.
I keep it a secret.
See, I gotta say, I got some of the nicest crowds in the business. I rarely ever get heckled. And one time I was talking about how I used to play the violin. An old Chinese lady sitting in the front, just stood up and screamed out, first chair or second chair?
And I was like, thanks, ma’am, fifth chair, actually, fifth chair. I wasn’t– I wasn’t very good. I wasn’t good.
I grew up very stereotypically in Hong Kong. Like my real name is not even Jimmy. That’s my English name. My real name is Man-Sing. In Cantonese, [SPEAKING CANTONESE]. It stands for 10,000 success. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, uh-huh, uh-huh, yeah. I had very ambitious parents. And now I’m telling dick jokes and doing Tai Chi on stage, so–
Jimmy was just kind of like an arbitrary English name that just sounded easy. And my dad, he named himself Richard. I was like, Dad, why’d you name yourself Richard? He was like, because I want to be rich. It makes so much sense.
And then they named my older brother Roger after the James Bond actor Roger Moore. Yeah, but my brother hated that name. He was like, man, it makes me sound like an old white guy. So eventually he changed his own name to Roy. So now he sounds like an older white guy. And now his full name is Roy Roger, which is the oldest white guy to ever white.
I grew up very stereotypically, man. I didn’t play basketball or football. I grew up playing ping pong— competitively! That was a serious national sport back home, man. You know, I didn’t go to any, like, fun summer camp, space camp. My dad sent me to a ping pong training camp in Gwangju, China. I almost died. It was 100 kids competing for one spot on the national team. It was basically Fortnite with ping pong paddles.
We took that shit seriously, though. My dad would take me to every practice, every tournament game. And he always tried to give me a pep talk before every game. But you know, Asian parents, they’re way too honest. So every pep talk just turned into an insult. Like, he would come up to me, be like, (CHINESE ACCENT) Jimmy. Jimmy. You’re going to play well, OK? Even though you slow, even though you weak, and you suck. And then he would just walk away.
I was very good at math. That’s a big Asian stereotype. I think there’s some truth to that. Not because of some weird genetic thing, just because our parents cared so much more about mathematics and academics. You guys seen it. You guys seen those, like, Kumon Learning Centers in those strip malls, right, right? Kumon Learning Centers, for you guys that don’t know, are basically detention camps for young Asian children. You can tell that place is kind of fucked up by the look of its logo. Because it’s supposed to be a smiley face, but it’s not really smiling. It’s just like, meh.
My parents were way too cheap to send me to Kumon. They got a different strategy. They never let me use a calculator until I turned 15, so I can work on my brain function. That’s an old school Chinese strategy. So when I turned 15, it was a very special occasion. It was basically my Quinceañera. My dad just gave me a TI-83 Plus.
And he looked me in the eyes, and he was like, you’re a woman now, OK?
But when you’re a kid, when your parents tell you you can’t do something, what do you do? You rebel, right? So when I was 14 years old, I stole my brother’s calculator. I stole Roy Rogers calculator, and I locked myself in my room. And I started rebelling. I started doing math homework. Other kids were, like, fucking around with, like, alcohol and drugs. I was fucking up some parabolas, you know? Locked myself in a room, I was just punching in numbers. I was like, oh, man, this feels great, you know? It’s so wrong. It’s awesome.
My dad was pissed. He was knocking on the outside of the door. He doesn’t like locked doors in the house. And he was screaming. He was like, (CHINESE ACCENT) Jimmy! Jimmy! What are you doing inside? Come out right now. I know you’re in there using a calculator. Come out right now. I was so scared I didn’t know what to do. And he unlocked the door, and he came in. I went into full panic mode. So I just threw away the calculator, and I pulled down my pants. I was like, Dad, I was just jerking off. And he came in, and he looked at me. And then he looked at the math homework. And he was like good, good, very good. Very good, very good, you must really like math. That’s good. Keep it up. Because there is nothing, there is nothing that will make an Asian father more proud than to see his son jerk off to his math homework.
I grew up very stereotypically, man. But all these things– playing the violin, being good at math, my names– those things weren’t stereotypes when I was growing up in Hong Kong, because everybody was Asian. Everyone was good at math. It didn’t become a stereotype until I came to this country when I was 13 years old. And I automatically became the weird foreign kid. Like, I didn’t really even know how to speak English. I learned English how you guys will learn Spanish, just on paper. But if I would have dropped you off in Mexico when you’re 13 years old, you would’ve died.
I was a very confused kid, man. The first day of school, everybody was standing up, putting their right hand on their chest, doing the Pledge of Allegiance. I didn’t know what was going on. I was like, did, I just join a cult? First day of school, this girl came up to me. She was like, hey, what’s up? I didn’t know what that meant, so I just looked up.
I was a very confused kid. All these little customs, I wasn’t used to. Like the first day of PE class, first day of PE class, we had to change into our gym clothes. I’d never done that. Everybody was wearing boxers, and I was still wearing tighty-whiteys. And this kid, this bully next to me, he was being real mean. He was like, hey, look, the Asian kid’s wearing tighty-whiteys. That’s gay. And I was like, oh, really, is I what it means? I had no idea. And then I put on my gym shorts, but my mom had bought me gym shorts that was my exact size, an extra small. So that wasn’t very cool, because it came down mid-thigh. And apparently back in the day, that was called a John Stockton. And the same kid next to me, that bully next to me, he was like, hey, hey, look at– don’t wear your pants like that. Pull your pants down, man. Pull your pants down. And I was like, who’s the gay one now? But I didn’t know what to do. Everybody was looking at me, and this kid kept saying pull your pants down. So I was like, oh, shit. I’ve seen Shawshank Redemption. Maybe this is just how it works in America. So I start pulling down my shorts all the way down to my knees, all the way down to my ankle. And that same kid, the bully next to me, is like, hey, what are you doing? Don’t pull them down all the way. That’s gay. And I’m like, what is not gay in this country? And apparently this other kid next me, he’s like, hey, don’t pull them down all the way. Just sag them a little bit. Just sag your pants. And I didn’t know what sagging your pants meant. Apparently, that’s a cool, hip hop thing, to pull your pants down halfway down your butt so you show everybody you asshole. And apparently, that’s the only not gay way to wear your pants in America.
I had no idea. All these weird American things I wasn’t used to. Eventually, I learned how to speak English by watching a lot of TV, mainly BET Rap City. Because that was my shit. I want to be cool, and nothing cooler than BET Rap City, right? Every music video was a slice of somebody’s American dream. The first music video I saw was Jay-Z’s “Big Pimpin'”. You guys remember that shit? Jay-Z’s “Big Pimpin'” was the greatest music video of all time. It was Jay-Z and his boys on a yacht pouring champagne on this beautiful woman’s face for, like, four minutes. I was like, this is America? It’s amazing.
That’s all I wanted to do. Like before I even wanted to get into stand-up, that’s all I want to do. I want to be a rapper. I want to be like Jay-z in “Big Pimpin'”. So I started my own rap group in high school. This is a true story. It was me, my black friend Julian, and my other friend Yugi, who was half black and half Japanese. So we are perfectly 1 and 1/2 black dudes and 1 and 1/2 Asian dudes. And we called ourselves The Yellow Panthers. I know. I wish I was making this shit up, but I’m not. The Yellow Panthers was a real rap group. And we had a real rap song. It was called, “Underground Railroad Builder.”
I was confused. Eventually, I became a good Asian-American, and I went to school to get an Economics degree. Because that was the easiest degree that can still appease my Asian parents. But then after I graduated, I didn’t want to do, like, econ or finance. So I went up to my dad, I was like, dad, I don’t want to do any of this. I want to go try and do stand-up. He was like, what’s a– what’s a stand-up? You mean like a talk show? I was like, yeah, sure, talk show, whatever you want to call it. But I want to go pursue my dreams. And he was like, no. Pursue your dreams how you become homeless. I was like, no, no, Dad, Dad, it’s– things are different now. We’re in America, OK? In America, we’re supposed to do what we love. He was like, no. Everyone does what they hate for money and use the money to do what they love.
That’s that old school Chinese mentality, right? See, I’m like first generation. But my parents, they’re like negative 9 generation, because they’re so frickin’ Chinese. Like, it’s really hard for me to watch TV with my dad, because he’s trying to make me explain everything to him. First of all, old Asian people, they don’t watch TV. They judge the TV. This is like, I’m just sitting next to my dad on the couch, and he’s wearing his, like, old Asian man costume, which is just a wife beater and tighty-whiteys. He’s just sitting there, arms folded, judging the TV like–
[GRUNTS] [COUGHS] He’s made some random noises around the house. Now whenever he sneezes, it’s never just a sneeze. It’s like a whole tsunami of sound waves that comes after. It’s just like, achoo! Oh! Ay, shit.
Oh! I’m like, what the fuck, Dad, just have an orgasm? What was that?
And he doesn’t understand what I’m saying half the time. He’s like, oh, there’s an orgasm. OK, the orga– orgasm.
And he’s trying to make me explain everything to him on TV. Do you understand how difficult it is to explain a rap music video to an old Chinese man? We’re just sitting there. My dad was like, uh, Jimmy, Jimmy, what it mean when he say Lamborghini Mercier? What’s that? And I’m like, Dad, he’s bragging about his car. It’s a Lamborghini Mercier Largo, a very expensive car. You know what that is, right? And he was like, oh, OK, OK, yes, yes. That’s when you know they have no idea what the fuck you just said. He was like, OK, OK, yes, yes, a Lamborghini, OK.
Jimmy, what he mean when he say, your chick, she so thirsty. What’s that? And I was like, shit, um– Dad, he’s making fun of somebody’s girlfriend, OK? It’s saying, like, she likes attention from other guys, and she likes to do sex stuff with them, you know, like, blow jobs and such. And he was like, oh, OK, OK, yes, yes. Yes, blow jobs, OK. Mm. [CLEARS THROAT] Jimmy, Jimmy. I’m thirsty, too, OK? So– I was like, oh, god, no. No, it got lost in translation. It’s disgusting.
I don’t know if you guys know this, but I came from an acting family. But it’s not really like Angelina Jolie and Jon Voight. I guess I would be Angelina Jolie in that equation. My dad is also an actor, but he started acting after I did. Because he was like, it’s so easy, you can do it, I can. I’m like, Dad, fine, if you think my life’s so easy, why don’t you go to some open call auditions and you’ll understand how hard it is, how much rejection I face every day at my job. He was like, OK. And he went to all these auditions, and he started booking everything. It’s a true story. He got on this show in China, in mainland China, called “Little Daddy,” “Xiao Baba.” Half a billion people watch that show. It’s like the Big Bang Theory of China, and Richard blew up. And he was like, this is easy. I don’t know.
My plan completely backfired. And my aunt in Shanghai, she watched the show, and she will call the house in LA. And she’s like, congratulations, Richard, you’re such a good actor. Did your son teach you how to act? And he’s like, no, no, I’m a natural. Oh, that’s very good, you and your son, same busyness, you know? You two are very funny. He’s like, no, no, Jimmy is not funny. I’m like, Dad that’s bullshit, OK? You got one good role, good for you. I’m happy for you. But you’re not a real actor yet. Real actors, we got to cry, we got to laugh. Do you even know how to cry in front of a camera? He was like, yes, I just think about how much you suck at ping pong.
Needless to say, I grew up with low self-esteem, because I was raised by Asian parents. My dad’s not even the worse. My mom’s much worse. Have you guys ever hung out with old Asian ladies? Old Asian ladies will tell you exactly what the fuck is wrong with your face, as if they’re trying to do you a favor. I go to my mom’s house, the first thing she says, she’s like, Jimmy…
Why is your face so fat? Your clothes look homeless. And your hair, ai-yah, it’s gay.
Sometimes it’s like embarrassing for me to hang out with my mom, you know? Because Asian people, we just got a different custom, you know? Like my mom, when she goes shopping, she doesn’t buy shit she needs. She just buys shit because it’s a good deal. I brought– one time, I brought a full price shirt home, $20. And she was like, was it full price? No, it’s a bad deal. I was like, Mom, it’s only 20 bucks. She’s like, yes, $20, if you’re stupid. She goes to Ross and she freaks out, because everything’s a great deal. She’s like, Jimmy, you should buy this. You should buy– this is a good deal. This is a good deal. I’m like Mom, that’s a double XL shirt, OK? And it says Obey on it. I’m not gonna fucking wear that. And she’s like, it’s OK, 50% off. Some day it’ll fit, OK?
If you want a good deal, you follow the old Asian people, right? You go to Costco, you see a sea of old Asian people, because you know everyone’s getting a great deal. Nobody’s getting ripped off. You go to Whole Foods, never seen one old Asian motherfucker in my life.
We don’t believe in that shit. Look, there’s nothing wrong with Whole Foods. Matter of fact, it’s too nice. And Asian people, we don’t like to pay for atmosphere. Have you guys been to a Chinese grocery store? It’s a fucking zoo. You walk in there, there’s just a frog jumping from one aisle to the other. There’s a piece of fish still flopping around on the floor. Half the place place is an aquarium. I don’t know why you ever pay for kids to go to SeaWorld when you just take them to the Ranch 99 for free.
That’s a good deal. That’s a great deal.
Asian people, we don’t buy organic shit. We don’t believe in organic labeling. We better still see it swimming or still walking. That’s organic to us. That’s the only way we know.
All my friends in LA, all my hipster friends, they’re like, Jimmy, you gotta eat organic, man. This regular stuff you eat, they have growth hormones in them. It’s gonna fucking kill you. I’m like, really, growth hormones? Wait a minute. You’re trying to tell me I’ve been eating growth hormones all my life, and I’m still 5′ 5″ and I shop at Gap Kids? Get the fuck out of here. I’ll pay extra for growth hormones. Get me to the GMO only section, you know?
All this organic stuff in America is getting out of control. It’s not just organic food. You got like organic bed sheets, organic hand soap. I don’t know about you guys, but growing up in my very Chinese family, hand soap wasn’t even a thing. Hand soap used to be that piece of crap leftover soap that my dad’s been washing his balls with for two months. And he just puts it on the soap counter. You walk by, you rub your two fingers on it for good luck. That was– that was hand soap. Nobody got sick. It was fine. Once in a while, you got a piece of pubes. So what? You deal with it.
Now hand soap is so fancy, it’s got its own aisle at the grocery stores. Because it’s not about washing your hands anymore. It’s a status symbol. We go to our friends’ house and judge how well they’re doing but what kind of hand soap you got. We’ve all done this. You go to your friend’s house, he’s got that green bar soap that says Zest on it. That guy’s a fucking peasant. Don’t associate yourself with that kind of animal. He’s gonna ask you for money, you know what I mean? And then next level up, you got like the $2 bottle of Softsoap with the fish or the watermelon on it, you know? I like that family. That’s the backbone of America. It’s the middle class Honda Civics of soaps.
Hardworking, American family, man, I appreciate that. And then next level up, you got a soap that’s so fancy it doesn’t even dispense soap. It dispenses foam, which is just soap filled with air for an extra $6 a fucking bottle. Because as an American society, we decided we’re way too good to rub our own two hands together to create our own foam, and rather outsource that foaming action to some poor Chinese kid in Gwangju, China to pre-foam it for us. Make America foam again, people, OK.
Thank you. My mom eventually caved in and she bought the $2 bottle of Softsoap with the fish on it. But she’s so Chinese, she’s been watering it down for six years now. And now it’s just a bottle water with a fish on it. It doesn’t do shit. Because it’s a good deal.
I know I make fun of my parents, but at the end of they day, I love them very much. I think we all do, right? But Asian people, we don’t ever say I love you to each other. That’s just not our thing. One time, I got high and I called my mom. I was like, Mom, I just– I just want to tell you, Mom, I love you. And you can hear her start, like, crying on the other side of the line. She was like, oh, Jimmy, do you have cancer?
We just got different ways of showing love. Like when I see my grandmother, I don’t give her a hug. I just give her a solid handshake. We’re not about that hugging. And Asian grandmas, they’re the best. You give her a handshake, she’s like a vending machine. You give her a handshake, out comes a red envelope.
And you gotta pretend you don’t want that shit. You’re like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, please, please. OK, thank you.
That’s just how we show love.
My dad still calls me like 20 times a day just to check up on me. It’s annoying, but I understand that’s how he shows love. I was talking to my friend here, and he was like, oh, I haven’t talked to my dad in three weeks. I’m like, what, is he in jail? He was like, no, I live with him. I just haven’t talked to him in three weeks. I’m like, you do understand, if I don’t call my dad back in three hours, he’s going to call 911. 911, what’s your emergency? My son is dead! It’s like, sir, is everything OK? Is your son dead? He’s like, no, but he’s dead to me. OK, bye.
That’s just how we love.
My parents, they’ve been married for 38 years. Yeah, 38 years. It’s beautiful, man. It’s beautiful, 38 years. One time I asked my dad, I was like, Dad, after 38 years, do you still love Mom? And he was like, (LAUGHING) love? Your mom married me to escape communist China. It’s not love. It’s a good deal.
That’s how we show love, people.
[SIGHS] I’ve been in this country for almost 20 years now. I think I feel every bit American. But I think other people still don’t see that. As an Asian-American, a lot of times, people see you as Asian before they ever see you as American. Even still till today, whenever I tell people I’m from Hong Kong, this is always the first thing they say. They’re like, oh, yeah, you from Hong Kong? Yeah, yeah, dude, from Hong Kong, yeah? Ni Hao. I’m always like– Like, do think that’s impressive or something? I don’t understand the mindset behind that. You coming up to me to say, ni hao, it’s like me coming to you guys after the show, I’m like, oh, you guys from here? Yeah, y’all from here? Hi. It’s not impressive. It’s annoying. It’s stupid.
I don’t even like going to Chinese restaurants with some of my friends anymore. Because this is what they do to me every time. They’re like, Jimmy, do you speak Chinese? Do you speak Chinese? Yeah, yeah, order Chinese, bro. They’re gonna hook it up. Order in Chinese. Bro, bro, order in Chinese, bro. I’m like, bro, we’re at Panda Express.
She’s Mexican. Like, what–? Her name tag says Consuela. That’s not Mandarin or Cantonese.
Nothing has really changed, you know? Like about 10 years ago, I went on a college trip to Tijuana, Mexico. Because that’s just what a good American college student would do. And the thing is, walking into Mexico from the US, they don’t check anything. They’re just a big revolving door. You walk right in. They don’t even check your ID. It’s easier to get into Mexico than a Costco. You just walk in. And that’s it. But coming back was a totally different story. Coming back from Mexico to the US, there’s no more revolving doors. Now it’s a concrete windowless tunnel with guards with M-16 machine guns. And I was super nervous, being an immigrant and all. And my college buddy, Ian, next to me, he was like, Jimmy, don’t worry, man. Just tell him that you’re American. They let you right through. I’m like, easy for you to say, Ian. Ian walks up, he gets through, no problem. I walk up, the first thing they ask me, they’re like, sir, are you an American citizen? I was like, yes. But I forgot one very minor detail– that I wasn’t. I was still an immigrant on a green card, and I wasn’t a full-on citizen yet. Next thing you know, I was detained in this 10 by 10 box, and they started interrogating me. They’re like, sir, why did you lie about your American citizenship? I was like, I’m so sorry. I’m drunk and I really wasn’t trying to lie. My friend in front of me told me to tell you I was American, so that’s just what I did. It was a knee-jerk reaction. He was like, well, was he American? I was like, well, his name is Ian, so probably. And then the officer was like, sir, you do understand this is a very serious offense. We could deport you for this. I was like, deport me? I didn’t even know that was an option. What was I going to do back in Hong Kong, restart my ping pong career? That ship has sailed, man. So I was like, sir, please, please, don’t deport me. I’m just a drunk, stupid college. I’m every bit American. I can recite you every single Jay-Z lyric if you want me to. I’m in three fantasy football leagues. If that’s not American, I don’t know what is.
And I got very lucky. This is what he said. He was like, look, kid, you got lucky. We’re not gonna deport you today, OK? But just don’t ever do that again, or we’ll send you back to where you came from. And this motherfucker was Asian. I was like, where I came from? We came from the same place, dog? I think I saw you at my uncle’s wedding two years ago. Why you gonna throw me under the bus? That guy definitely watched The Great Wall many times.
But that was a very sobering experience. I had been in the country for 10 years at that point, but I still wasn’t American. Nothing has changed. I finally got my citizenship three years ago. And it’s–
You don’t have to clap. My point is, nothing has changed. Still Asian. Just because I got a new passport, nobody in any part of the world is gonna come up to me and be like, hey, look, there’s an American! Holy shit, look at him. He looks just like Rocky Balboa.
Oh, my god. No, no, no. The first day I got my passport, I was feeling real patriotic. So I went to my local Hooters. Yeah, I was drinking a Coors Light. I was watching a World Cup. It was USA versus Mexico. And I was like, man, I’m cheering for Team USA. I’m American, finally! And this old Mexican dude came up to me. He couldn’t really speak English, and this is what he said. He was like, amigo! Amigo, Mexico, Korea, tomorrow, huh? And I’m like, what the fuck are you talking about? What, are you trying to start World War 3 or something? I’m not a Korean. He managed to insult me with the only three English words he knew.
So I really felt the need to explain myself. I was like, sir, I’m not– I’m not Korean. I’m Chinese. And he looked back to his friends, he was like, oh, [SPEAKING SPANISH], huh? And I’m like, sir, you do know that I can understand what that means, OK? I have Mexican friends back home just like you. He was like, no, I’m not Mexican. I’m El Salvador. And I’m like, oh, great, now I’m the fucking racist!
Nothing has changed. The first time I used my American passport, I was feeling real good. I was going to Winnipeg, Canada to do some shows. Have you guys even been to Winnipeg?
Oh, you, really? Are you guys from Winnipeg? No, just general Canadian pride, I appreciate that. I don’t think anybody in their right mind would go to Winnipeg. Not that– there’s nothing wrong with that city. It’s way too cold and it’s just not that fun. I had to go there for some work, so whatever. But I felt good. I walked through the border. I was holding my blue passport, and I slammed it down in front of the Canadian border patrol. I’m like, I’m American, sir. And he’s like, OK. I didn’t ask you that, but OK. Are you here for business or pleasure? And I was like, shit, I didn’t think that far. I was obviously there for business, but I didn’t get a business visa. So I looked him in the eyes. I was like, sir, I’m here for pleasure. And he looked right back at me. He was like, are you sure? Because nobody comes to Winnipeg for pleasure. The next thing you know, I was detained in this 10 by 10 box. Nothing has changed.
I was hanging out with Julian not too long ago, 1/3 of The Yellow Panthers. We were just in LA on Melrose getting some brunch. And that’s how you know two minorities had made it– avocado toasts. We’re just chilling, minding our own business, right? And this old man came up to us, old guy. He’s wearing a hat that said, Vietnam and Korea War vet. I was like, damn, this guy really hates Asian people. Like, he survived us twice. I better be careful. But he was actually a really nice guy. He was a really nice guy, complete stranger. And he came up to me and Julian. He was like, guys, what you guys are doing right now, it’s exactly the Civil Rights that I fought for in the ’60s. Keep it up. And he just walked away. I was like, what the fuck? I didn’t know there was a Civil Rights march for avocado toast. I was unaware. And Julian was like, no, no, no, no, no, he’s trying to say that he fought for the right for an Asian man and a black man to hang out in public with no judgment. That’s beautiful, right? I was like, no, he didn’t. Jackie Chan fought for that shit in Rush Hour 1, 2, and 3, OK?
Because representation matters. That’s how we do change. I just want to see more Asian people out there doing their thing. Don’t listen to your Asian parents. Go pursue your dreams, you know what I mean? Go do your thing, man. I just want to see more Asian brothers and sisters on TV. Like look, there’s nothing more American than NFL Sunday, than football Sunday. But you don’t ever see one Asian person. You don’t see one Asian person in the NFL. I mean, we got that kicker, Younghoe Koo, you know? But he gets cut every two weeks. So that doesn’t– I can’t go buy a new Younghoe Koo jersey every two weeks, you know what I mean?
But what frustrates me, it’s even in the commercials. Even in all the football commercials, you never see one Asian person. Like all these great beer commercials, you got everyone. You got like, even like dumb commercials with, like, a white guy climbing a Rocky Mountain for Coors Light. It’s not even a good commercial. They don’t even sell you on how good the beer is. They sell you on how cold it is. It’s like brewed cold, packaged cold, shipped cold. I’m like, isn’t it ultimately up to my own refrigeration, sir?
Latinos got great representation, the Dos Equis Most Interesting Man in the World. That lasted like 15 years, one of the greatest commercials of all time. So I wrote own version of it. It’s called The Most Asian Man in the World. You got an Asian actor on screen, an announcer in the back, and the music starts playing.
“He graduated with a law degree, but now he’s a neurosurgeon. He’s 52 years old, but everyone still checks his ID. Whenever he takes a picture, he throws up the victory sign.”
You guys every realize, the closer the victory sign is to you face, the more Asian you look? Like, this is normal. This is some Mainland China WeChat shit, you know what I mean?
That is some–
“He is the most Asian man in the world.” And the Asian brother comes out. (CHINESE ACCENT) “I don’t always drink beer. But when I do, my face turn red. Stay thirsty, my friends.”
Thank you guys very much.
You guys are amazing. Thank you.
[MUSIC – METER MOBB FT TOO $HORT, “YOU CAME TO PARTY”]
(SINGING) Let’s get wild tonight.
♪ Turn the fuck up We’re going out tonight ♪
♪ I’ve been waiting all my life ♪
♪ Every time I go out, I think I found my wife ♪
♪ I can’t help but turn down the lights ♪
♪ I’m gonna take some down tonight ♪
♪ This shit is so hot ♪
♪ That’s what it’s sounding like, like you want ♪
♪ to fuck around tonight, bitch ♪
♪ I want you in every way ♪
♪ The passion burns and it goes both ways ♪
♪ When we’re not together, I’m in pain ♪
♪ The mightiest ocean couldn’t put out this flame ♪
♪ I think she’s coming with me ♪
♪ You wanna say bye but she leaves ♪
♪ Wanna say bye but she leaves ♪
♪ Tears drop like autumn leaves, tear drops, tear drops ♪
♪ You better make time to breathe, yeah ♪