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Jim Gaffigan: Obsessed (2014) | Transcript

Jim Gaffigan bursts back on the scene with this eagerly anticipated fourth comedy special "Obsessed."
Jim Gaffigan: Obsessed

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[cheers and applause]

[male announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, Jim Gaffigan.

[cheers and applause]

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Oh, that is so insincere. All I did was walk from over there and act like I’m not out of breath. What is that, like five feet? It is good to be here in Boston. Thank you for coming out.

[cheers and applause]

Excited to be here. I don’t know if you can tell by my beard, but I’m fat. I don’t know what happened. All I did was eat constantly, and then, boom. I’m fat. It seems unfair. I can’t stop eating. I can’t. I haven’t been hungry in, like, 12 years. I’m like, “Oh, I’m so full. I guess I’ll have some cheese. I don’t even like this cheese. Guess I’ll finish it. Maybe this will make me hungry.” Do you ever tell yourself that? Maybe this will make me hungry. It’s either that or feel my feelings. You know what, you’re only eating your feelings. Yeah, but they’re delicious.

I can’t stop eat– You ever look at medication that says, “Don’t take on an empty stomach”? Never a concern of mine. Doesn’t apply to me. You’re not supposed to go swimming till– technically I should never go swimming. Like, if you saw me in a pool, you’d be like, “Arrest that man! And tell him not to wear a Speedo.” I don’t need that image.

I used to be thin, when I was six. I’ve put on some weight, but luckily, this is intentional. I don’t want to brag or anything, but I’m preparing for kind of a big role. It’s a cinnamon roll. I don’t want to look like I can’t finish it. You know what I mean? Once after a show, a woman came up to me, and she was like, “You’re not that fat,” like it was a compliment. I was like, “Well, thank you. You’re not that polite.”

But I am fat. You know, some people should be fat, you know. We all have that friend who’s lost tons of weight. And when you see them, you think, “You looked better fat. You’re thin, but you look exhausted. Go back to being fat. Looking at you makes me want to sit down.” “Nothing tastes as good as thin.” I can think of a thousand things. Even unsalted French fries taste better than thin. You ever eat fries without salt on them? You’re like, “Huh, these could use some salt, but that would mean I’d have to get up and move.

[audience laughing]

I’ll just imagine there’s salt on them.” Feels like a sacrifice. You’re like, “What am I? A pioneer here? “Sucking it up. I should be on that show Survivor. Once I had fries without salt on them, so I could probably live anywhere, really.”

[audience laughing]

I just wish I wanted to eat something healthy. Recently, I saw an apple, and for a moment– just–just a moment– I didn’t recognize it. I was like, “What is that? Oh, that’s an apple! It’s so weird to not see it in a pie.” But fruit. No one really wants fruit. It’s too much work with fruit, right? You’ve got to wash it. You’ve got to peel off that sticker Al-Qaeda put on there. There’s work, like an orange… Has peeling an orange ever really been worth it? There’s not even chocolate in this. And some weirdos that use the gathering of fruit as an activity. “Why don’t we go apple picking?” “‘Cause I’d rather die.” You have to pay to pick apples. OK, how much do I owe you to work for you for free? Don’t rip me off. I’m no dummy.

Yet we still act excited when we see fruit. We’re like, “Yay, fruit!”

At least it’s not vegetables. ‘Cause no one wants vegetables. When you’re at a party and they have a vegetable tray, aren’t you surprised? You’re like, “Wow. That’s a waste of money. Hell, I’d rather eat a candle.” Oh, suddenly I’m the only one here that’s eaten a candle. OK, everybody. No one wants a vegetable tray. Everyone knows “crudite” is French for “throw away in a couple hours.”

[audience laughing]

I feel sorry for those vegetables on the tray. They’re like, “What am I doing here? I can’t compete with pigs in a blanket. I’m a cauliflower, for God’s sakes. Like that ranch dressing’s gonna help?”

Ranch dressing. Some of us have to settle down with the ranch dressing. The usage is ridiculous. “I love ranch dressing. I like to dip my pizza in ranch dressing.” That’s fine. You’re just not allowed to vote anymore. ‘Cause ranch dress– You know how they make ranch dressing? Buttermilk and sadness. That’s the only ingredients. Interesting fact. Before they came up with ranch dressing, no one had eaten a raw vegetable ever. But we know we don’t want vegetables.

But we haven’t wanted fruit for hundreds of years. That’s why there’s so many paintings in museums of just bowls of fruit. ‘Cause you could start painting a bowl of fruit. You could leave for a couple days, come back. No one would have touched the bowl of fruit. But if you’re painting a donut, you better finish it on the first sitting. You can’t even take a bathroom break. “Hey! What happened to my donut?” Your friends say, [imitates full mouth] “I don’t know. Some fat guy came in here. Anyway, I gotta get some milk and take a nap.”

That’s why there’s no donut art. It’s sad, really. When’s the last time you saw a painting of a donut? The police, they love donuts, right? Hey, cop. Why don’t you get a donut? Cops love donuts. Which is an interesting stereotype, because you know who else loves donuts? Absolutely everyone. Of course cops love donuts, ’cause they know the difference between right and wrong. And not liking donuts is wrong! Have you ever met someone that doesn’t like a donut? You want to know why? Because they’re in jail. When you’re in a donut shop and you see a police officer, don’t you feel like something special’s happened? [gasps] An angel just got its wings. It’s special. [chuckling] I had a donut before I came onstage. I was with a friend last week. I was like, “You want to get a donut?” He was like, “I’m not hungry.” I’m like, “What does that have to do with it?” As if there’s ever been a good reason to eat a donut. Well, doctor says I need more powdered sugar in my diet. Donuts are bad for you, and according to my health nut wife, they’re “not appropriate for a trail mix,” you know. I’m just on a different trail, right? Mine leads to the emergency room. That joke will be even funnier when I die from cardiac arrest. “That’s why I didn’t laugh.” Donuts are all about taste.

In Los Angeles, there’s a place called Yum Yum Donuts. It’s like, what? Do you need the IQ of one to find that appealing? Yum Yum? Me like yum yum. It’s like, who’s the target audience, cavemen? I know two thing. Yellow fireball rise in sky and Yum Yum Donuts. Yum Yum Donuts, yum yum. Now there’s gourmet donuts that are deep-fried in gold. I had a gourmet donut. I didn’t realize it was a gourmet donut. I just pointed at a donut, and the donut guy started ringing it up. He was like, “That’ll be $3.99.” I was like, “I only want one of them.” He was like, “That is the price of one of them.” Then there was this long, awkward pause where I waited for him to lean forward and go, “Just kidding.” But he didn’t. He just looked at me like, “Got you, tubby,” because he knew I’d pay because I was in a donut shop. It’s not like I was there to buy a yoga mat. Boston, this is like donut ground zero, right? Dunkies, Dunkies!

[cheers and applause]

I don’t know, I always eat the local specialty because I’m a pig. I did this big tour of the southern states, and I’ll tell you something. People in the South are nicer. They are. Even when they’re rude, they’re nice in the South. They’re like, “Y’all can go to hell.” You’re like, “Well, thank you. You too.” People in the South are nicer, but they’re slower, right? And I don’t mean intelligence-wise. They just move slower. It’s like, “Hey, your house is on fire.” “All right. I’ll get to that. But first, I need to drink me some sweet tea. Then I’ll deal with that pesky house of mine.” And I figured it out. It’s the biscuits and gravy. Everyone in the South moves like they’ve just had two helpings. They’re like, “I shouldn’t have had that second helping of…” This is a nine-year-old I’m pretending to be. “Of biscuits and gra–” In the South, they’re eating biscuits and gravy for breakfast. They’re not coming home drunk late at night, like, “I’ll eat anything.” They’re waking up, and they’re like, “Time for cement.” [chomping] Lunch, chicken and waffles. The South will never rise again ’cause they don’t have the energy.

[laughter and applause]

Because most of their dishes involve papier-mache.

[cheers and applause]

They’re essentially eating pinatas down there. That’s why they talk that way. Because after you eat biscuits and gravy, you can’t be expected to say “you” and “all.” “Good biscuits and gravy, y’all.” I’m surprised they even say “biscuits and gravy.” [speaks gibberish] y’all. And I’ll tell you something. Those biscuits and gravy are amazing. I had biscuits and gravy for breakfast for nine days straight. I still haven’t gone to the bathroom. That tour was 27 years ago. I love Southern food. Chicken and waffles. Fried chicken and waffles. Why? What should we serve with the fried chicken? French fries? No, something elegant. Like a waffle or a gyro or heroin. I know it’s lunch, but I want breakfast and diabetes, so I’ll have the chicken and waffles and a shake. Of course, you can’t talk about Southern food without bringing up grits, right? Grits, it’s like someone was like, “Hey, if you love the taste of biscuits and gravy “but without the taste of biscuits and gravy, then you’ll love our man-made wet sand.” I want to like grits. I do. I order them, and I’m like, “Are these undercooked or overcooked?” No wonder you came up with moonshine. Southerners are always like, “Y’all are eating that wrong. You’ve got to add a pound of cheese and a pound of sugar and 30 candy canes.” That’s what I love about the South. They don’t even try and hide the fact they’re eating unhealthy. In a restaurant, you’re like, “I guess I’ll order “the bucket of lard and the salt stick.” “Y’all want that deep-fried?” “Uh, OK.” “You want us to shoot at you while you eat it?” “Is that extra?”

But there’s unhealthy eating everywhere. I was in Arizona and New Mexico, and there are people eating fried bread. There are stands that sell only fried bread. And I saw that, and I was like, “I found my people.” [laughter] Fried bread. I eat unhealthy, but come on. I know a donut’s fried bread, but at least we don’t call it “fried bread.” I mean, at what point do you even feel comfortable eating something called “fried bread”? “Have you ever eaten cake in the shower?” “A couple times.” “You’re ready for fried bread.” “Ever eaten in your car, so you don’t have to share with your children?” “Every day.” “You’re ready for fried bread.” Fried bread. That is the opposite of a diet, right? What are the basic elements of a diet? It’s like, all right, no fried food. No fried food. Got it. You gotta cut out all the bread. Cut out– hey, what about fried bread? Is there some kind of fried bread diet? Actually the term is “fry bread.” It’s not “fried bread.” It’s “fry bread.” It’s like a command, a call to action. If you aren’t already, fry bread. Let’s get fat. And I’m not judging those people. They’re actually more honest than us. Because we eat fried bread, but we do it in code. It’s like, “You want fried bread?” “No. I’ll have an elephant ear.” “You want fried bread?” [chuckles] “No. I’ll just have a beignet.” We’re like that guy at the party trying to find weed. “Hey, is your friend Bud gonna be here tonight? You know, he hangs out with that guy named Herb. He’s going out with the girl from Mexico named Marijuana.” I don’t know what you’re asking for.

Sometimes I feel like I’m trying to get fat. Last night, I was eating a pint of ice cream, and I finished it because I’m American, all right? I took off the lid, and I threw it away ’cause I’m not a quitter, everyone.

[laughter]

And because I care about the environment. I was conserving energy by not refreezing it. You’re welcome. Of course it was at night. You ever eat ice cream during the day? You’re like, what are we? Six years old? Did we just get our tonsils out? Why are there people around me? Shouldn’t I be alone watching Lifetime? Those hoarders, those are the ones with the problem.

I was eating a pint of ice cream in sweatpants, like a man. My wife came in the room, and she was like, “Jim, are you gonna eat an entire pint of ice cream by yourself?” And I was like, “Hopefully. Unless you selfishly want a bite.” “Jim, you have a nine-year-old daughter. Don’t you want to be at her wedding?” “Not really. No. Wait, is there gonna be ice cream at her wedding? Because if you promise– I still don’t want to go.” How would attending a wedding, Why would that be an incentive? It’s like, “Don’t you die! In 18 years, there’s an awkward party you have to pay for! And we need you to write a check.” No, I understand weddings are an important event where we spend a lot of money so that the bride can pretend to be a princess! And marry her prince and live happily ever after because magic exists.

[laughs]

And we’re a bunch of weirdos. Weddings are kind of weird. I mean, what’s the logic? It’s like, “Well, we love each other. Why don’t we pretend we have a kingdom? [laughter] We’ll invite your parents’ friends and my parents’ friends, and we’ll have a banquet. And the two kingdoms shall come together as one. And we can start our married life with a total fantasy before we go on a completely unjustified vacation.”

It’s strange, right? I mean, weddings started off as these crude, medieval ceremonies where women, daughters were exchanged as property. Yet over the course of centuries, they got worse. [laughter] That’s why people cry at weddings. “I can’t believe we’re still wasting money on this.” Whenever I see someone crying at a wedding, “I always say, don’t worry. It probably won’t work out.”

[laughter and applause]

It is nice to be invited to a wedding, but you always look at that invitation like, “Ah, this is gonna cost me. Oh, good. It’s out of town. Wouldn’t want to use those vacation days for vacationing.” And you can tell how much a wedding’s gonna cost you by the type of invitation you receive. You’re like, “[gasps] Oh, no. This one’s made of baby skin.”

[laughter]

And that font and the language on that. “The honorable king slayer cordially invites you to the marriage of his 40-year-old daughter to her live-in boyfriend of 12 years. Bring thy wallet.” Because you have to get the newlyweds a gift because they’ve done nothing! So you go to the registry. The registry, which is a nice way of saying, “You don’t have to get us anything. But when you do, make sure it’s one of these things.” You ever go to the registry late, and you’re like, “Aw, the only thing left is a fork for $300. I guess we’ll be the fork friends. We’ll get them the fork.” My wife had us register for fine china because you never know when the Pope’s gonna swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate. My parents, growing up, my parents had fine china that you couldn’t even put in the dishwasher. “[gasps] Don’t get that wet. You need to clean it with a kitten. [laughter] It needs to be a white kitten.”

[laughter and applause]

At most weddings, the guests receive a gift, right? Sometimes it’s, like, a bag of almonds covered in candy. Thanks. I guess we’re even. Since you got me a bag of nuts. “Feel free to take the centerpiece.” Sure you don’t want us to bus some tables? Uh, I didn’t bring a broom, but I could sweep. It’s not always, like, nuts.

Sometimes the gift is, like, a knickknack or a Happy Meal toy kind of thing. The last wedding we were at, everyone at the wedding got a wine stopper filled with sand because the theme of the wedding was waste. [laughter] I got in trouble when I asked the bride, I was like, “At what point are we supposed to jab this in our throat? During the first dance?” That’s horrible [chuckles] I do find it fascinating. There’s always a drunk person at a wedding, right? And I think it’s because there’s so many awkward moments. Like that receiving line as a guest? I never know what to say to those people. I always feel like I’ve just seen a friend in a play or something. “That was great. You were great up there. What you said. I like this program. Well, I’m gonna lie to someone else now. You were good too. You’re the grandma. We got them the fork. Is the bar open?” Some of those wedding rituals, have you been to one of the weddings where the groom removes the garter belt from the bride and flings it to a crowd of perverts? [laughter] Because he cherishes his… what? Who came up with that one? Hey, you know how the bride throws the bouquet? How ’bout something for the fellas? Maybe the bride’s underwear? What happens to that garter belt? Oh, I have it in a very special place. It’s in a room covered with photographs of the bride. And there’s candles and fried bread everywhere.

[cheers, applause and laughter]

I’m not against marriage. I’m happily married. I’m married to a beautiful woman, the type of woman that when I’m with her and people find out she’s my wife, there’s usually an audible “wow.” Which I suppose is flattering, but it hurts my feelings. I’m not a yeti. “Wow.” Someone could approach me and be like, “Jim, we’ve discovered your wife has no visual perception. [laughter] Yeah, yeah, we don’t need to correct that or anything. She doesn’t like glasses.” But I like being married. I like having someone to look out for me. And my wife wants me to live longer. We all want to live longer, but how much longer? Like, you ever see old people, really, really old people, the look on their face? They always have that look like, [screaming] I can’t believe I’m still here! I would have eaten so much more ice cream. Why did I ever consume kale? Can we stop with the kale propaganda?

[cheers, applause and laughter]

That stuff tastes like bug spray. I was looking at a can of bug spray. It said, “Made with real kale.” But that’s the latest health trend. There’s a new one every six weeks. When I was a little kid, cottage cheese, cottage cheese was considered healthy. My mom and my sisters, “We’re being healthy by eating this tub of cheese curds.” Because to be thin, you eat things that look like cellulite. Remember when pita was healthy? Pita’s not bread. It’s from the Middle East. Take cheese, bad for you. Put it in pita, it’s OK. That’s why when I smoke crack, I do it on pita. [laughter] We’re still in the middle of the wrap phase. Wraps are so good for you. When you roll food, it takes the calories out. It becomes a sandwich wand. Ta-da! No calories. It’s like sushi but not enjoyable. There’s good fats and bad fats. I like to think of myself as a good fat. I did discover that I’m gluten-free. -Anyone gluten-free here? Yeah? -[scattered cheers] I was just kidding. You’re a communist.

[laughter and applause]

Obviously, people that are gluten-free are like any other American, except for they’re allergic to wheat, the amber waves of grain. Doesn’t mean they don’t love their country. Just means they can’t stomach ♪ The purple mountains’ majesty ♪ Those are the people we should be screening at airports. Are you gluten-free/a terrorist? I don’t judge. I report. You decide. There’s a new milk every six weeks. Oh you shouldn’t be drinking cow’s milk. Don’t drink cow’s milk. You should drink soy milk. They discovered soy milk’s all estrogen. You should drink soy milk unless you want to have sons with testicles. Or you could drink rice milk. And they discovered rice milk is like drinking carbs. Or you could drink almond milk because almonds make milk. Unless you have a nut allergy. Then you could drink hemp milk, which is like a nut-free almond milk made from rope. [laughter] Or you can try this new milk that’s called cow’s milk. It’s big in Europe. But really, this is the kale era, right? Kale is a superfood, and its special power is tasting bad. It’s inedible. All you have to do is freeze-dry it, cover it in cayenne peppers, put it in a shake, and bury it in the ground. Kale is so good for you. It’s like a really bitter spinach with hair. Kale is so good for you. They could find out kale cures cancer, and I would still be like, “I’m just gonna do the chemo, all right? I’ve tried the kale. OK?”

[laughter and applause]

Haven’t we evolved as a species, so we no longer have to eat things like kale? You know there were cavemen, “One day, son, we no longer forage through weeds. We eat porterhouse steak and no longer sound like Cookie Monster. Now we go to Yum Yum Donut.” Kale. I just can’t stand the kale bragging. “I just had some kale.” No one asked you. People talk about kale like it’s a band. Have you seen that new album by Kale? I was at a school event because I have a thousand children. And one of the moms was nice enough to make a bean soup. So I went over, and I tasted it, and I said, “Oh, this is very good.” And she leaned forward, and she goes, “I snuck some kale in there.” And I wanted to throw the bowl at her. ‘Cause she was trying to impress me with a vegetable. Oh, wow. You smarty. But you know what? I blame Whole Foods. I do. They’re just bored at Whole Foods. They’re like, “What else can we sell these idiots? Just get me a plant. Not that one. That’s poison ivy. Wait. Can we make milk out of that? Give me the other one. What is this? Kale? It tastes bad? They’ll think it’s good for them. Charge 20 bucks for it.” And we’re like, “Ah.” But I go to Whole Foods. I do. I waste my money there. They should just have a garbage can at the entrance of Whole Foods with a picture of a wallet over it. You just go… OK, how many items do I get? I get two? OK, um, I’ll have the grapes for 500. And, Alex, I’ll have the loaf of bread made of wood for 10. [laughter] I’ll put the rest on my Amazon wish list. What is the business idea of Whole Foods? It’s like Costco, but instead of bulk, you get nothing. You ever look at your bill when you’re leaving Whole Foods? You’re like, “Wow, I’m really not good at managing money.” [laughter] Because you only remember how expensive it is when you get there. You’re like, “These prices… I’m too lazy to go to another store. You win again, Whole Foods. Tricked me again.” You guys are nice. I should have showered. I’m sure most of you showered. Yeah. There’s probably one or two weirdos out there that took a bath. A bath, how much free time do you have on your hands? What, are you taking a break from ruling ancient Egypt? I don’t have anything to do, and I’ll never have anything to do, so I’ll just sit in a pool of my own filth. [laughter] Ah, luxury. I should probably take a shower after this bath, huh? I have taken a bath. It always seems like it’s gonna be relaxing. You’re like, “Ah. This is so boring! No wonder people kill themselves in these things, huh?” Don’t worry. No one here has killed themselves in a bath. My point is no one takes baths except for that weird couple in the Cialis commercial. What kind of disposable income does that couple have? “Honey, after our pill-induced lovemaking, what do you say we sit in the side-by-side tubs on the porch?” What is the message of that commercial? This pill is so good, you’re gonna have to take a bath afterwards. I’d do separate baths. Hell, do it outside. It’s gonna be messy. You know what I mean, fellas? Those erectile dysfunction commercials are just there to ruin your night. They’re like, “You enjoying your show? Just a reminder, in a couple years, you’re gonna need a pill to do anything. Back to your show.” I took a shower. Didn’t happen right away. You ever have one of those days? You’re like, “Ah, I got to take a shower.” Just hours pass. “Ah, I still got to take a shower.” And then when you finally do, it feels like such an accomplishment. “Hey, I took a shower. I’m a go-getter. Showerer. Well, time for bed.” Shampooed and conditioned my hair, as you can tell. You got to condition your hair because everyone else does. Someone told me the reason we’re supposed to condition our hair is because we shampoo our hair too often. So instead of using one product less often, we just added another product. Yeah, my wife didn’t like me drinking beer every night, so to make her feel better, I started drinking beer and whiskey. Maybe that’ll get her off my back. Who’s that guy? Shampoo and conditioner. Always identical bottles for no other reason but to confuse us. You ever accidentally pour out the conditioner first? You’re like, “Oh, crap! That’s, like, 3 bucks!” You ever try and put it back in? You’re like… [laughter] “Damn hole’s too small.” I always end up holding on to it and open the shampoo bottle with the other hand. Now, I’ll just mix that together. Hope that doesn’t start a fire or something. There is that product. It’s shampoo and conditioner in one. I don’t trust it. I don’t like my peanut butter and jelly in the same jar. That’s for Goobers. That joke’s for goobers. There are so many goos and potions in our showers. And they’re all just soaps with different names, right? This is a soap for your hair. This is a soap for your body. This is a facial scrub, which is soap with sand in it. [laughter] My favorite shower goo or potion, though, has to be body wash and not just because it sounds creepy. It’s like, “Hey, I got you some body wash.” “Yeah, I got you a restraining order.” Body wash. Wash the body. Body wash. I’m gonna wash your body… [whispers] while you sleep. You can only use body wash on your body. Use it on your face, you die. It’s the truth. I remember when they first introduced body wash. I was at a drugstore, and I was like, “This is so stupid.” Body wash. Now I’m like, “Honey, we’re all out of body wash. Can you get some more body wash? That soap’s so hard to use. Get the body wash that has ‘energy’ printed on it. I need my body wash to give me energy.” That’s what’s printed on our bottle of body wash. “Energy” in bold. Like, they didn’t even bother to think of a misleading adjective that made sense. Oh, what should we put on the bottle of body wash? Fuel-efficient. [laughter] Low-calorie. Something like that. But it doesn’t matter what it says on all those goos and potions, right? They’re snake oils, because when it comes to cleanliness, we will believe anything. We’re like, “Oh, a facial scrub made of avocados. That makes sense. And it only costs $50. Funny, I bought an avocado today for 99¢. [gasps] Well, this must be good shampoo. It’s from France. And they’re known for cleanliness.

[laughter and applause]

At least I think it’s shampoo. Douche de what? The French are douching their hair?” I did that joke in Montreal, and no one laughed. It really comes down to we don’t want to smell, right? You ever catch yourself smelling, and you’re like, “Oh, my God. I gotta… smell that again.” You’re, like, drawn to it. You’re like, “That is alluring.” “Honey, get over here. I got a treat for you.” But we smell because we’re animals, right? We’re just self-cleaning animals. We’re like cats. We’re like… I know we’re supposed to be like apes, but they’re picking bugs off each other and eating it. We’re like cats. We self-clean. We’re grumpy. We’re finicky eaters. I don’t want to eat that. I don’t feel like eating that right now. We like to think we’re like dogs. I mean, I wish I was a dog. Dogs are always in a good mood. They’re like, “What is that? Throw-up? I’ll eat it. I don’t care. I’m just happy to be here.” Dogs are happy to be anywhere. You ever see a homeless guy with a dog? The dog’s like, “This isn’t that bad. I was begging for food anyway. I mean…” [laughter] But we’re more like cats, right? But we can’t even be like a cat because a cat could scratch itself on a stationary object, and we’d be like, “That’s adorable.” But if I scratch myself on a mannequin at Victoria’s Secret, they call security. If I’m just like, “Oh, I got an itch here.” Especially if I’m purring, if I’m like… [purring] Lots of undies around here, huh? You can’t do that in Victoria’s Secret. I have been to Victoria’s Secret. I had a reason. You know, as a man, you need a reason to be in Victoria’s Secret. You can’t just be in there like, “I’m looking around. See what you ladies are buying.”

I was getting my wife something for Valentine’s Day. You have to reach a point in a relationship where you can get a woman something from Victoria’s Secret. It’s not like a first-date thing, like, “Thanks for meeting me for dinner. I got you a bustier. Why don’t you go in the bano and throw that on?” [laughter] Secretly, every guy wants to go in Victoria’s Secret. We walk by in the mall. We’re like, “Oh, one day. One day, I’ll have a reason.” Because, you know, we’ve seen the catalog. You don’t even have to search out the catalog. It just shows up in your mail. You’re like, “Oh, what’s this? Seems like there’s some good articles in here. If I wasn’t married, I could get rejected by all these women.” And guys, we’re just dumb enough, we see that Victoria’s Secret store, and we think, “Maybe that’s where those models live. They’re probably in there right now, walking around in angels’ wings. They’re probably in there having a pillow fight right now. If I could find a practical reason to go in there, it would be amazing.” And then you finally go into Victoria’s Secret, and it’s like a Greyhound bus station. What, are you guys in between shifts in here? Where’s all the angels? There’s just stressed out salesladies with headsets on. “Underwear, underwear, underwear.” [laughter] “Where’s the open bar?” But you’re still a guy in a woman’s underwear store. And you don’t want to look like a creep. That’s why every man at Victoria’s Secret has the same expression on his face of, “Boring! This is place is boring because I’m not a pervert. There’s nothing stimulating in here because it’s boring to me, especially those huge posters of supermodels mostly naked. Boring.” [chuckles] I didn’t know what I was looking for, so I went up to a saleslady who had the warmth of a TSA screener. “What do you want?” “Nothing. I didn’t touch anything. I’m leaving.” I was trying to be discreet. I was like, “Look, I’m looking for something for my wife. She’s very intelligent. She’s creative.” Because you can’t say, “I’m looking for a slutty outfit.” “She volunteers. She’s organized. Maybe that French maid’s outfit would be good.” Then I was thrown because the saleslady was like, “What size?” And I was like, “Size? Uh, female? Small?” Because you don’t want to guess too big. You don’t want to be like, “Hey, you’ll grow into it. I thought you was much bigger.” You can’t ask a stranger, like, “Hey. Excuse me there, lady. You look like you got a keister like my wife’s. What size undies you got there? Maybe you could try on this outfit I got.” I just wanted it over with. When I was paying, I assumed the awkwardness was over until they handed me my purchase in a bright pink Victoria’s Secret bag that I had to carry around the mall the rest of the day that might as well have just said “pervert” on the side. [humming]

♪ Me and my ladies’ undies ♪

[laughter] I like ladies’ undies so much, I got a bag full of them. ♪ Heading into Burger King ♪ Yeah, I’ll have a Whopper with cheese and a small fries for the ladies’ undies. When I got home, I realized you have to find the right time to give your gift from Victoria’s Secret. You can’t be like, “Hey, when you’re done changing that diaper, I got another changie-poo for you. It’s a little gift from me to you that’s really for me.” Because if you’re buying a woman something from Victoria’s Secret, it’s really a gift for you. It’s like, “Here, I got me this. [laughter] Thank you. I’m welcome.” I am never going back there again. I don’t know. It’s good to be here in Boston.

[cheers and applause]

Oh, I love Boston… This is a… Boston’s a tough city, right? It’s like, Boston! Boston! Lob-stah! I love the Boston energy. And you guys, all of New England, you guys love your seafood, and it’s just disgusting. Lob-stah! Lob-stah! I was vacationing on Cape Cod because I’m white.]

And…

[laughter and applause]

I was at this seafood restaurant, right? And this guy came over to our table. Wasn’t even our waiter. He came over to the table. He was like, “Hey, I couldn’t help…” I don’t know how to do the Boston accent. “You’re not eating lobster. Is there a reason why you’re not eating lob-stah?” And I was like, “Uh, I thought I’d order what I want. I wasn’t really in the mood for bug meat.” Because that’s what shellfish are. They’re just creepy-crawly, giant insects on the bottom of the ocean. You know fish are swimming around like, “We got to get an exterminator up in this piece.” They’re bugs. They have a shell like a bug. They have spindly legs and crawl around like a bug. They have antennae like a monster. [laughter] They’re probably monsters. Like, if you went home and you saw a chicken in your house, you’d be like, “What the hell’s a chicken doing in my house?” But if you saw a lobster, you’d be like, “We’re moving.” [laughter] Because there’s not a nickel’s worth of difference between a lobster and a giant scorpion. Now, I understand everyone loves lobster, “I love lobster.” Hey, I like butter too, OK? How can I eat three sticks of butter? Well, I found this giant, swimming sea scorpion. It’s just a spoonful of butter helps the bug meat go down. In the most delightful way. Lobster tail. Is that the area near the butt? Mmm. That’s what I want, a little turf and bug butt. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. How about those restaurants where you have to pick out your own lobster? You’re like, “I guess I’ll take that one that’s really struggling with the rubber bands. [laughter] He seems appealing. Why don’t we boil him to death?” Why am I involved in this decision? But the Northeast? It’s all shellfish. Maryland with the crab. Isn’t it kind of a red flag you need a hammer to eat a crab? Oh, you’re having the crab? Let me get you some tools, so you can crack open that bug shell and get that half a bite of bug meat. Crab, it’s too much work. They’re like the pistachio of seafood. And there’s that nasty part of the crab you’re not supposed to eat. I think it’s called all of it! ‘Cause they’re crabs, as in the sexually transmitted disease. That has the same name because it’s the exact same thing! They’re just the baby version of the dinner crab. You know God’s up in heaven going, “What do I gotta do to stop them from eating the crabs? I gave it a rock-hard shell. I put it on the bottom of the ocean. I named a disease after it. Jesus, you’re gonna have to go back down there.”

[laughter and applause]

I don’t even know how people order crabs with a straight face. “Yeah, my wife and I… You know what? I’ll get crabs, and I’ll give her some.

[laughter and applause]

Don’t tell her. I want it to be a surprise.” Even the crab as a creature is creepy. It always looks like it’s trying to avoid an awkward situation. [laughter] “Is that… Oh, I owe that guy money. Crap.” Clams and oysters. How did we even start eating those? “Hey, I found a rock with a snot in it. I was thinking of eating it.” “Go ahead.” “All right.” [slurps] “What’s it taste like?” “Pneumonia.” [laughter] Oysters on the half shell. As opposed to what, in a Kleenex? Even the way you’re supposed to eat an oyster… Squeeze some lemon, a little hot sauce, throw it down the back of your throat, take a shot of vodka, and try and forget you ate a snot from a rock. That’s not how you eat something. That’s how you overdose on sleeping pills. Pearls come from oysters. Yeah, I try not to eat things that also make jewelry. [laughter] Oysters are an aphrodisiac? Why would we ever believe that? What do you say you and I grab some snots from a rock? See what happens. Maybe we’ll end up at my place. Maybe we’ll end up at the emergency room. Let it happen, baby. Clam chowder. How can we sell more clams? Why don’t we put it in a soup that looks like vomit? [laughter] He went too far. Let’s kill him. But most seafood gives me the willies. Like anchovies. What exactly is the difference between an anchovy and a sweaty eyebrow? [laughter] Because whenever I see an anchovy, I think, “Someone has attacked Tom Selleck.” Why would you put that in a salad? Squid, more like the swimming sea spider. “But I like calamari.” You could deep-fry a rubber hose, it would taste good. A little cocktail sauce, this is good hose. Octopus? Really? “Octo” meaning “eight,” “pus” meaning “really?” Yes. The pus part’s my favorite. The suction cups remind me we need a new bathtub mat. I wish I liked seafood. I do. I live near Chinatown in New York because I’m Chinese. [laughter] And like most Chinatowns, a lot of the restaurants in Chinatown have live seafood tanks in the windows. And I’m always like, “Uh, do you want us to come in there, or are these sea monsters protecting your establishment?” Because I is scared. And I love Chinese food, and I love the Chinese culture. And I’m not just saying that because we’re all gonna be working for them in six months. The Chinese have an amazing culture. They do. 3,000 years ago, they were doing brain surgery in China, yet they still haven’t figured out dessert. You ever go to a Chinese restaurant? I’m not talking about the fancy Chinese restaurant that has the tea ice cream that tastes like a pack of menthol cigarettes. [laughter] I’m talking about a regular Chinese restaurant where the dessert options, there’s two, right? There’s sliced oranges. Whoa. I don’t want to overwork the kitchen. Oranges? What, did a schooner just arrive from the Caribbean? Looks like our scurvy’s cured, fellas. There’s sliced oranges, or there’s the fortune cookie, which is not even a Chinese thing. It’s an American thing, and we gave it to them. And they were like, “We don’t want it.” And we were like, “It’s now part of your ethnic identity.” [laughter] Don’t you feel like the fortune in every fortune cookie should be, “You are about to eat a stale cookie”? Hey, my fortune came true! Everyone has the same reaction to fortune cookies. They’re always like, “These things are so stu– What does mine say?” Like there’s some ancient wisdom in there. As if Confucius himself was putting a tiny piece of paper into a tiny typewriter. “Happiness is a… long journey.” 15. 31. [laughter] 12. Put this in a stale cookie for me, would you? It’s like they wait for them to be stale. How old are these, 1990? Let’s wait a little longer. I do feel sorry for the person who created the cookie that ended up being the fortune cookie because they were probably pretty proud. They were like, “Hey, you gonna try my new cookie? “Tell me what you think of it. Try my new cookie. Tell me what you think.” “All right. I’ll try it. Here you go. “Mmm, oh. You know what this could use is some paper. Oh, this would be good for holding a note or a recipe for a good cookie.” [laughter] “How much do you think I could charge for it?” I’d give it away with the check. You got a spit bucket around here?” [laughter] But I love Asian food. I love Kobe beef. I know I look like a vegetarian, but I’m not. Kobe beef, if you’re not familiar with that, that comes from cows that are fed beer and massaged with sake. I heard that, and I was like, “I want to be Kobe beef. Where do I sign up for–” Those are some happy cows. They have no idea they’re on death row. They’re like, “This is the life! [cackles] A little lower. A little lower, honey. What the hell, this cow’s going for another beer. You Japanese love design. That sake bottle actually looks like a hatchet. Ow!” It’s just a drunk cow, and it’s appealing. Which means it’s only a matter of time, “[gasps] You have to try this chicken. It was raised solely on Doritos.” “What kind?” “Cool Ranch.” But really Kobe beef shows you how decadent we’ve become, right? Now it’s not enough that we live a life of luxury. Now we need to eat things that have lived a life of luxury. “I understand this cow had a good life, but did it go to private school? I only eat cows that went to private school.” “It did.” “Do you have anything on your menu that owned a boat?” [laughter] Kobe beef, it’s an interesting idea, right? It must have been a surprise for someone along the way. It’s like, “You like that steak?” “This is the best steak I’ve ever had in my life.” “You know, I fed that cow some beers.” “You got the cow drunk?” “Yeah, and then I was massaging it.” “What? [laughter] Why? Why were you massaging an animal you gave a lot of alcohol to?” “So you could enjoy it.” “So I could enjoy it? “I’m not hungry anymore. I’m gonna go call Special Victims Unit. Let’s see what Olivia Benson thinks of this.”

[cheers, laughter and applause]

But really we don’t want to think about what we’re eating. You know, I love hot dogs. You can’t eat a hot dog in public. There’s always one friend that’s like, “Do you know what those are made of?” I don’t want to know because hot dogs are like strippers. No one wants to know the backstory.

[laughter and applause]

“Well, when I was 12–” Not interested. Let’s put mustard on that. I can say that joke because I used to be a stripper. I was so good, they paid me to put my clothes back on. It was ridiculous. We don’t like to think about what we’re eating. Buffalo wings, chicken wings, I’m sure you savages eat those. Those are baby chickens’ wings that you’re eating. I don’t eat those. I eat the chicken legs. I would never take away a bird’s ability to fly. Some people are like, “Oh, chickens can’t fly.” How do we know? They’ve become too dependent on those legs. Legs are making birds lazy. You ever see footage of a hippo crossing a river? There’s always a bird sitting on its back. How lazy is that bird? It’s gonna take the hippo ten minutes to get across that river. That bird could glide across. That bird, I want to eat their legs. Mostly because I’m pro-hippo. [laughter] I see some of you are drinking. That’s not the answer. It’s not. Eating is. It’s amazing how our attitude on alcohol changes, right? Because even as a teenager, you know it’s wrong. You’re like, “You know, I don’t like the taste of it, but I want to look cool.” And then in your 20s, you’re like, “You know what? This kind of gives me confidence to talk to the opposite sex.” And then in your 40s, you’re like, “You know what? This is the only thing I like about being alive.”

[cheers, laughter and applause]

It’s only funny because it’s true. I’m sure some of you are gonna go to some bars, head to a bar, right?

[scattered cheers]

Yeah. I never really feel comfortable right when I get in a bar. I’m always kind of like, “Who are all these strangers?” But after a couple beers, I’m like, “These guys are probably my best friends.” Because your experience in a bar changes over the course of the night, right? As the night goes on, you see really why we go to bars. We go to bars, so we can behave like children. Toddlers, really. You ever go to a bar at 2:00 a.m.? You might as well be picking up a kid at nursery school. It’s the same experience. The behavior’s the same in both places. Both places, there’s always some strange yelling for no reason at all. You know, “Whoo, whoo, whoo!” Both places, you go in the bathroom, it’s obvious not everyone’s potty-trained. [laughter] Both places, there’s always someone crying, “She was my best friend. But not anymore.” Both places, occasionally there’s a fight. “You know, he was standing where I wanted to stand, so I punched him in the head. I need more juice.” But at 2:00 a.m., people are drunk in bars. I love how we’re always surprised when someone’s drunk in a bar. We’re actually shocked. We’re like, “Look at that guy. He’s wasted. In a bar. I came here to read a novel.” Mostly the people that are drunk in bars are drunk because they’re drinking shots. And really the only time to ever drink a shot is never. No one’s ever drank a shot and then done something they’re proud of. “I got wasted last night, and then I went out and built some low-income housing.”

[laughter and applause]

That never happens. You always wake up the next day, and you’re like, “I need a new identity. Maybe two of them.” Because if you’re drinking shots, it’s either your birthday, or you’re trying to forget you were ever born. There is something honest about a shot. It’s like, “I want to get right to the embarrassing part of the night, right to pants off.” But we don’t even drink shots. We take them like they’re medicine. This’ll cure my normal behavior. Everyone acts like we’re in a Western. [hums Western music] That’ll give me the courage to confront this plate of nachos. [hums Western music] Strangers will buy you a shot on your birthday. “Hey, I don’t know you. Let me buy you a shot.” This never happens with anything else. Hey, what do you say? You and me, let’s do some appetizers. Jalapeno poppers, mano a mano. You got to turn that shot down before they get it poured, because once it’s poured, they act like you’re rejecting a sweater they crocheted you. “You know how hard I worked on this?” You didn’t at all. But I don’t mind the bars, unless they’re really crowded, you know, like, five or six people deep at the bar. Everyone’s competing for the bartender’s attention. We look like we’re trying to get disaster relief from the Red Cross. We’re like… [laughter] “I need mine more than he needs his.” I can never get the bartender’s attention. I’m always like… We try and make eye contact. Show him you have money. I have cash. But you can’t try too hard in a crowded bar. You have to act all cool. You gotta be like, “I don’t even care if I get served. I just like standing in crowded, uncomfortable places. Later on, I’m gonna swing by the airport and see what that TSA line’s like. I like the lines.” Never enough bartenders in a crowded bar. Those bartenders look like they’re in the middle of a triage unit. They’re like, “Get me 40ccs of something.” Never enough bartenders. You ever get faked out by the arrival of a barback? You’re like, “Finally, another bar– it’s a barback.” And those poor barbacks, they always act like they’re not qualified to serve you. Like, [gasps] “Oh, no, no, no, no. “I can carry 12 cases up a narrow staircase, but handing you a beer? Not yet.

[laughter and applause]

I’m still learning from the master.” Because in a crowded bar, the bartender is the master, right? All the authority goes to that. Some of them act like they’re not even obligated to serve you. They’re like, “I don’t know what I’m gonna do with all this booze. Maybe I’ll just pour it out and make a puddle.” And we fall for it. We’re like, “Well, it’s either deal with this guy or make it in our bathtub at home. Damn Prohibition.” There’s male and female bartenders. Female bartenders, they always seem a little tougher than they need to be, right? I don’t want to say “bitchy” because that would describe them perfectly. [laughter] Not all of them. Some female bartenders definitely give off that vibe like, “Don’t hit on me. Treat me with respect. And don’t be distracted by the fact I’m wearing a bikini. OK, honey?” They always call you “honey,” like they’re your grandma or something. “What can I get you, honey?” “I don’t know. A birthday card with $2 in it?

[laughter and applause]

Uh, maybe a beer, if you’re not too busy condescending me.” But if you’ve been to a bar, you’ve probably been to a filthy public restroom. We’ve all been in those bars where you’re like, “Oh, wow. Now I know why they serve alcohol here.” And when I’m talking about the filthy bathroom, I’m talking about the men’s room. I don’t know about the ladies’ room. I haven’t been in there in, like, a week. But the men’s room, I don’t know what happens to guys when we go into a public restroom. Some anger comes out. Some of the stuff that’s written on the walls? You never have a friend admit it. Like, “Hey, give me a second. I’ve got to pee and draw a swastika. I’ll be right back.” [laughter] There’s guys writing things on the walls, and then there are the guys that reply. Some guy will write, “This place sucks.” Another guy will write, “No, you suck.” As if that first guy is ever gonna see that. Like he’s gathering up his friends– “Well, this is what I wrote on this– Hey, wait a minute! That guy said I suck. You double suck.” But all public restrooms, even when you go– even at fancy places. You ever go in the restroom, and there’s a bathroom attendant? Aren’t you always like, “Oh, no”? Call me a loner, but if there’s one thing I don’t want anyone attending, it’s when I’m using the restroom. Let alone someone sticking around to sell me a paper towel. They don’t sell. They always wave it at you, like, “Here. You don’t have to tip me You can just have bad luck the rest of your life.” [chuckles] And you have to tip the bathroom attendant. You can’t justify not tipping. You can’t be like, “Ah, he doesn’t need it. He’s just working next to a toilet.” [laughter] You have to tip the bathroom attendant. Sometimes the bathroom attendant will have an incentive for a tip. They’ll have, like, gum and cologne on a shelf. No thanks on the gum. I’m sure a lot of that flavor’s probably been knocked away here in your office. “Where’d you get the gum?” “Bathroom. Yeah, some stranger in half a tux sold it to me.” “What flavor is it?” “Bathroom.” And the cologne, You know, talk about a place you don’t want to pick up a scent. “Ooh, you smell different.” “Bathroom again. Same guy had a jug of liquid sitting on a shelf. I just sprayed myself. Good guy. I’m moving in with him.” [laughter] The most memorable public restroom I was in was a New York City park men’s room, which doubles as a crime scene, the difference being that crime scenes are eventually cleaned up. We’ve all been in those scary bathrooms. You’re like, “What happened in here?” The lights are on, but it’s really dark. There’s water everywhere. For some reason, there’s a film crew from Ghost Hunters. But I had to go in there. I was with my three-year-old. And, you know, three-year-olds, they don’t tell you when they need to use the bathroom. They tell you when they’re about to use the bathroom. “You have to go potty?” “Almost done.” [laughter] My three-year-old’s now four. I also have a nine-year-old and an eight-year-old and a two-year-old and a one-year-old. I have five kids. I used to have more, but I ate them. Five kids. I love it, but I don’t know what happened. Ten years ago, I couldn’t get a date, and now my apartment’s literally crawling with babies. It’s like I left peanut butter out or something. Strangers, for some reason, think I’m unaware that it’s a lot of kids. “Five kids. That’s a lot of kids.” “Oh, you think so? Thanks for the heads-up. Do you mind if I stab you in the head?” The best is when I’m alone with my five kids and inevitably struggling, and some stranger will come up to me and go, “Looks like you got your hands full.” [laughter] Why would you say that? It’s like going up to someone in a wheelchair, “Looks like you don’t do a lot of dancing.” [laughter] “Looks like you got your hands full.” Yeah. I could still punch you. But it is a lot of kids, you know. We’ve jumped the shark. Because when you have four kids, people are like, “Wow,” but when you have five, people are like,”Just stop. What, are you creating your own nationality? Settle down. Is there gonna be a country called ‘Gaffganistan’? Make a plan.” Big family. Big families are like water bed stores. They used to be everywhere, and now they’re just weird. Some people think it’s religious. Like, “You have all those kids for religious reasons.” That’s not how it works. If anything, you have four or five kids, and then you become religious. Because once you lose a kid at the mall, you know, atheist or not, you start talking to God right away. You’re like, “Hey, God. I know I haven’t talked to you in a while, probably since finals in high school. Anyway, if you could help me find my son, I promise I’ll change my life. I’ll stop going to Wendy’s. Oh, there he is. Never mind, God. [laughter] Well, we’re off to Wendy’s.”

♪ Doo doo doo doo doo doo ♪

“Talk to you when I get cancer.”

♪ Doo doo doo doo ♪

Because that’s how it works, right? We really only reach out when we have a crisis. That’s got to be annoying for God. He’s gotta be like, “Well, well, well. Someone gets the big ‘C,’ and they turn into Billy Graham all of a sudden. I seem to remember when you were in college, I ‘didn’t exist.’ But now you’re Chatty Cathy.” A joke that combines cancer and religion, always a crowd pleaser. Those are two topics we don’t like to discuss. We don’t even like the word “cancer.” We always whisper it, like, [whispers] “Cancer,” as if the devil’s listening. “I heard you say it, and now you’ve got it.” “I was whispering.” “You’ve got it twice for trying to hide it from the devil.” “When did the devil start passing out cancer?” “You’ve got it three times for doubting the devil “can pass out cancer. “You’ve got it four times for bringing up the devil too many times in one joke.” [laughter] I used to be afraid of cancer. Now I get a headache, and I’m like, “Good. “It’s almost over. Let’s wrap it up. Looks like I’m not paying for that wedding after all.” [laughs] That’s horrible. It’s in my future. Look at me. I’m like skin cancer waiting to happen. Cancer probably doesn’t even see me as a challenge. “I could do that in a half an hour. Send in an intern.” But we’re sensitive because we’ve all lost someone. I’m surprised we even ask what grandparents die of at this point. “My grandpa died.” “What kind of cancer?” “He was hit by a bus.” “That’s called bus cancer.” But we say we’re afraid of cancer. We don’t really behave like we are. We know what causes it. Smoking causes cancer. Yeah, I only smoke when I’m drinking. Which is constant, really. We know the products that cause cancer. Every six months, there’s a new sugar replacement. “Here’s a new sugar replacement. No calories.” A week later, it causes cancer. They don’t even take it off the shelves. “Hey, there’s the one that causes cancer, and it’s on sale.” So then we’re faced with a sugar predicament. Do I use the stuff that’ll kill me or the stuff that’ll make me fat? Ah, what’s a little cancer? If he does another cancer joke, I’m gonna kill him before he can ever get it. My zodiac sign is Cancer. What a rip-off.

[laughter and applause]

I remember when I was eight and I was finding out my sign. My brother was like, “What am I? What am I?” And my sister was like, “You’re a Capricorn.” And I was like, “Oh, and me? What am I? What am I?” “Cancer.” “Oh, no! I killed Grandma. What’s my symbol?” “Crabs.” “Oh, no.” It all gets sewn together so pretty. It is a pretty thing sewn together.

[laughter and applause]

But I like being a dad. I do. We have a one-year-old at home, who for the first year of his life, has slept a total of one minute. But it’s worth it, you know. There’s screaming, there’s smells, you don’t sleep. I was out of town, and I drove by a skunk, and all I could think was, “I miss my baby.” [laughter] Because babies are magic. They are. Because they’re the worst roommates. Like, if you had a roommate that did one of the things a newborn does, you’d be like, “You’re moving out. I mean–” You can’t even reason with a baby. You can’t be like, “What the hell was going on last night? You were hitting the bottle pretty hard. Then you started screaming, and you threw up on me. Then you passed out and wet yourself. I went in the other room to get you some dry clothes. I come back, you’re all over my wife’s breasts. Dude, you got to move out. I mean…” It’s always fun when the mother breast-feeds. The baby always looks right at the dad like, “What are you gonna do about it? Man of the house, my ass. Why don’t you take a walk? Leave your credit card.” Every year, when my wife has her annual baby, [laughter] it feels that way. By the way, the gifts stop after the second kid. With the fifth kid, people barely respond to the email announcement. “Ah, we’ll get them next baby.” Once I had a friend come up to me and go, “Hey, congratulations on the new baby. I know how you feel. We just got a puppy.” I said, “What?” And I love dogs, so I understand it. But, like, babies are the only types of humans that can be compared to an animal and it’s OK. Like, you could never be like, “Heard you’re getting married. I know how you feel. I used to have a pig. [laughter] Bit of advice on a hot day, Hose that bride down. She’ll love it because they can’t breathe, their skin can’t.” Twice a year, I travel. I tour with my kids. We get on a tour bus, and we go to, like, some destination. Last spring break, we went to Mount Rushmore. [man from audience] Whoo! That’s the most applause Mount Rushmore’s ever gotten. I feel sorry for Mount Rushmore. You know, people used to go there on their honeymoon. And now, I bring up Mount Rushmore, and people look at me like I’m talking about a TV show that was canceled ten years ago. “Is that still going on?” Yeah, it’s a mountain! It’s still going on. And you know what? It’s beautiful. And the Black Hills of South Dakota are… You know, they’re sacred to the Lakota Indians. And out of respect, our government carved four white guys into one of the mountains.

[laughter and applause]

“This land is sacred.” “How about that mountain?” “Very sacred.” “Good. We got an idea.” Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Another gift for you guys. Ding, ding, ding, ding. These guys were all about freedom. Ding, ding, ding. Especially the two guys that owned slaves. [laughter] But there’s so much stimulation in our lives. We don’t know what to make of four faces on a mountain. You know, my kids didn’t know what to think. They were like, “Is one of the eyes gonna blink?” And I was like, “I don’t know. Take a look because I’m never coming back here.”

That is all for me. Thank you so much, you guys. I appreciate it. Thank you.

[cheers and applause]

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Marlon Wayans: Good Grief (2024)

Marlon Wayans: Good Grief (2024) | Transcript

Taped at the iconic Apollo Theater, Wayans comedically explores grief after losing his parents. He reflects on his father’s lessons, joining the “Dead Mama Club,” changing aging parents’ diapers, and who’s the funniest Wayans.

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