Jeff Foxworthy: Totally Committed (1998) – Full Transcript

Jeff Foxworthy talks about how people act, marriage, church, rednecks and how men often act (lying, being sneaky, wanting to see something naked, drinking, etc.).

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Jeff Foxworthy!

Thank you. Thank you very much. Nice to be back in Cincinnati! Special city special night special boots I bought new boots for the show. Can you see those? [applause from the audience] Blue stingray boots. Boots that make a statement. And that statement is… you can’t give rednecks money. [laughter] ‘Cause that’s the kind of thing we do with it. Open up a savings account? Hell no! Go buy some blue stingray boots! [laughter] A couple of weeks ago I was playing at a casino in Mississippi—which by the way is the only place in America where you can shoot craps and doves within 10 feet of each other—and I was standing off the side of the stage in one of the states handsome man with in boots made out of I said their stingray he said or they waterproof? now he Dre on that chili came about it now without all these in our five blue stingray boots I wore them out of the store. See, that’s another big redneck trait. We buy something, we’re going to wear it within twenty-four hours. [laughter] Just because you see a redneck walk out of a store without a bag doesn’t mean we didn’t make a purchase. [laughter] “You didn’t get nothin’?” “No, I got some underwear, I just put it on in the store.” [laughter]

But I have always admitted to being a redneck. To me, the definition of redneck is “a glorious absence of sophistication”. And it can be temporary or it can be permanent, but most of us are guilty of it, at least from time to time. Then, not long ago, I was reading this magazine article where somebody claimed that there was a shortage of sophisticated people in this country. Which I took to mean there was an abundance of people like me. [laughter]

And I started thinking about the differences, and they are vast, y’all.

Like, sophisticated people invest their money in stock portfolios. Rednecks invest our money in commemorative plates. [laughter] “Yeah, that’s the legends of NASCAR series right there.” [cheers and applause] “This is probably our personal favorite: Richard Petty huggin’ his momma. I can’t hardly look at it without cryin’.” [laughter] “Of course, that’s Dale Earnhardt. He wasn’t in a wreck or nothin’, that’s just some ketchup on his forehead.” [cheers and applause]

See, rednecks think “mutual funds” means everybody’s having a good time. [laughter]

Sophisticated people have retirement plans. Rednecks play the lottery. [laughter] That’s our plan. “And when we hit the Pick Six, we’re going to add a room onto the trailer so we don’t have to sleep with Jim’s daddy no more.” [laughter]

Sophisticated people go to art auctions. Rednecks? We have yard sales. [laughter] And the difference is at art auctions, the sale price is slowly working its way *up*. Not at a yard sale. In fact, you got enough patience, you can get a house full of furniture for a buck twenty-five. [laughter] I love yard sales. My wife and I get up early on the weekends, trying to beat other people to this stuff. [laughter] These people are selling junk out of their garage they don’t want, we dig through it like we’re going to find priceless treaures. [laughter] “Excuse me, what are these right here?” Oh, those? Those are Tupperware lids that have been warped in the dishwasher. Eight for a dime. [laughter] [scoffing] “What the hell are we gonna do with warped Tupperware lids?” [pause] “Give you a nickel for ’em.” [laughter] “We don’t really want ’em, we just need some stuff for the yard sale we’re having next weekend.” [laughter]

Sophisticated people go to restaurants that require reservations. Rednecks go to restaurants that require we drive around to the second window, please. “Hey, listen, could you supersize the fries for the little woman? It’s our anniversary.” [laughter]

And not only am I a redneck, I’m married into rednecks. All my wife’s family is from Louisiana. That’s a special breed of redneck down there. That’s rednecks with hot sauce on ’em. [laughter] And Louisiana has, guarantee you, the best food on this planet as long as you don’t ask too many questions about what you’re eating. [laughter] I’ve seen her relatives hit boiling pots with wooden spoons going “get back in there!” [laughter] “Get back in that pot right there now!”

Remember a couple of months ago when they had all the floods in Louisiana? My wife and I were watching this on CNN, and I told her, I said “you watch. They’re going to find the biggest, stupidest idiot they can find in the whole state, and they’re going to show him walking chest deep in water down main street.” [laughter] And they did. [laughter] And it was my wife’s cousin Danny. [laughter] Walking chest deep in water, holding an umbrella. I was just looking at her going “that’s got to make you proud right there, doesn’t it? That’s your bloodline walking down the street.” [laughter] Then it started making me worry, ’cause I realized it was my children’s bloodline, too. [laughter]

Speaking of offspring, I have two little girls that I am very proud of. I love those little girls. And I am amazed at how smart they are. My oldest one, on her fifth birthday, got a computer. Not only got a computer, can use it! Do you remember what we got when we turned five? That little wooden paddle with the rubber band and the red ball on the end of it? That was a brain builder, wasn’t it? [mimicking using a paddle ball, running around the stage] One, two, three, four! One, two, three! One, two! You’d play with it about five times, the rubber band would snap, the ball would fly across the room, break something, and you’d get a spanking with the paddle! No wonder we turned out this way! And nowadays you can’t even spank your kids! Now gotta give him a timeout. Yeah, my dad would take time out of his busy day to whip our ass! You bet my dad would touch his belt buckle, whip it out through a plate-glass window. “I’m just kidding, y’all get back in the house. Come on in here now, I was playing with you come on!”

But I am amazed at how smart my kids are, and how dumb I am. I am thirty-nine years old; I thought I would be smarter than this at this point in my life. I really did. And I know that I ought to be working on it, I ought to be watching the news and things, but the truth is the news has become so depressing, I can’t hardly look at it any more. And it’s gotten to the point that if it doesn’t happen to Americans, I don’t worry about it too much. The other night, I was watching the news and it said this bus in Pakistan went over a cliff carrying three hundred people, and I was “Good Lord!” [pause] “How do you get three hundred people on a bus?” [laughter] “Somebody had to be sitting on the lap on that thing!” Once it becomes a physics problem, it takes a little bit of the emotional sting out of it.

 But the things that I’m talking about not knowing, they’re not mysteries of the universe; it’s just stuff I thought I would know by the time I was thirty-nine.

Hell, I don’t even know how Jell-O works. [laughter] Let me tell you what I’m talking about. Any other liquid that you put into the refrigerator or the freezer, and it turns into a solid; if you take it back out, it will go back to a liquid. Not Jell-O. Once Jell-O becomes… [wobbles his hands] …Jell-O, it is Jell-O for eternity! The only possible way to turn it back into a liquid is to put it in your mouth and go… [makes sucking noises; cheers from the audience] I feel so much better knowing so many of you know what I’m talking about. Actually, I told that joke the other night, and a woman in the front row went, “It will go back to a liquid if you put in the microwave.” [bewildered look] How do you acquire this knowledge? You sittin’ around with friends eating Jell-O, and one of them says “Oh, this Jell-O is good,” and she says, “Oh, if you think it’s good cold, you ought to put it in the microwave.” This woman is out driving tonight! That scares the hell out of me!

I still don’t know how they know how long to make the cord for the first bungee jump at a new place. “All right… let him jump! All right… shorten it up a little bit! Hey, and give his girlfriend a free t-shirt!”

I still don’t know why my dentist makes me lie to him. I went to the dentist a few weeks ago, he’s looking in my mouth, he said “You haven’t been flossing every day have you?” I said “No, not every day! Let’s see… the last time I flossed… you did it!”

I still don’t know how come you always lose expensive sunglasses. [laughter and applause] You pay a lot of money for a pair of sunglasses, those things will disappear quicker than a pizza at a Weight Watchers convention. [laughter] And you buy a pair of cheapos, you cannot get rid of them. I am convinced, you could be on a cruise in the middle of the ocean wearing a pair of cheapos, and if you looked over the side of the boat and they fell into the water, a SCUBA diver would pop up going “someone lose a pair of glasses up there?” [laughter] “Found a pair of cheapos floating to the bottom!”

But you always lose expensive sunglasses and the cases that cassette tapes come in. [laughter and appluase] I know that when I bought them, every cassette that I had had a case. Now, I’ve got five hundred tapes, three cases. And whoever’s stealing my good sunglasses and my cassette cases is leaving me keys. [laughter] ‘Cause I’ve got keys. I’ve got keys to crap I’ve never owned! [laughter] You put all my keys together, I could be a high school janitor tonight.

And talking about losing stuff actually, I think it’s very big of me, as a man, to admit that I do lose things. ‘Cause you know what men normally say. “Somebody stole it.” I do that a lot. Walk around the house, “somebody stole the remote control!” [laughter] My wife’s like “that’s right, Jeff. Somebody broke into our home, passed up the jewelry, and stole your remote control. Not only that, but they got the case to the Doobie Brothers cassette. We’re wiped out.” [laughter]

Of course, she’s not much better. You know what she bought me for Christmas this year? A portable safe! [laughter] [like a product advertisement] “To save thieves the hassle of gathering up your belongings, it’s the portable safe! With an easy tote handle so they can take it back to the thieves’ den and figure out the combination at their leisure. The portable safe, by RonCo.” [laughter]

And talking about losing things, I loved this one when somebody loses him you ask him later did they find it, and they say “yeah” and they go “it was in the last place I looked.” Oh, d’oooh. Sure hell I hope so! “Terry, di you find your wallet?” “Yeah, but I’m still looking for it… just in case we’re living in a parallel universe or something.”

I still don’t know how come my daughters only pull their dresses over the top of their heads when I introduce them to somebody important to me. [laughter] “Girls, say hello to Reverend Leonard.” [pantomimes his daughters pulling their dresses up] “HI!” [laughter] “So, how do you like the Beauty and the Beast panties there? Sharp, aren’t they?” [laughter] “Yeah, they’ve got Snow White back at the house. Me? I’m wearing Lion King. Roar.” [laughter]

I still don’t know how much is the appropriate amount for a urine sample. [laughter] Why won’t they just put a line on that cup? [laughter] Every time I’m at the doctor, I’m in the bathroom for twenty or thirty minutes having an argument with myself. [laughter] “Oh, that’s too much.” [laughter] “I take that out there, they’re just going to start laughing.” [laughter] “Tell you what, I am pouring a little bit of that back.” [pantomimes doing so] “Uh oh.” [laughter] “See, I’ll bet I’ll need more than that.” [laughter] “All right, I’ll top that off.” [laughter] And you’re never confident with what you take them, because you either taken the one with four or five drops in the bottom and the other one that looks like a cold frosty beer. “There you go ladies, first rounds on me! If you wanna another one, I’ll be in my underwear sitting on the table with a paper on it.”

A lot of things I don’t know… few things I do know. I do know that I’m a very lucky man. I just celebrated my 13th wedding anniversary with my wonderful wife. I am totally committed to this woman. [Applause] Some people say why totally committed? and I said well you said those dead possums in the middle of the road? They were partially committed! I tell you what, marriage is one of those games nothing in life prepares you to be married he kind of learn as you go and and you’re gonna goof up you just hope you avoid the big goof ups.

Tell you what I mean by being not long ago I was watching this thing on one of those 20/20 Dateline something like that it said coming up the story of a man that was married for 23 years to someone he thought was a woman, only to recently discover they were in fact another man. When we return this gentleman talks about his mistake. I’m sitting there going, “mistake?” We’ve all made mistakes. You forget to rewind the videotape before you take it back to Blockbuster, that’s a mistake! But you married for 23 years to somebody you think is a woman and they end up being a man, you have ski that old past mistake! You have slammed head-on into faux pas. 23 years just seems like there to been some kind of clue along the way doesn’t it? “Caroline, you need to lift the him out of that skirt, you wainy’s showing!” That’s clue! There always not well in the Kingdom. That’s a clue!

So thankfully I have aborted the big mistakes and hopefully I’ve learned from my other ones. Like I know early on in our marriage when my wife would say to me “We Need to Talk.” I would make the mistake of talking and every time I would talk I would get my butt in more and more trouble now after 13 years I have learned when she says to me we need to talk I handle it the exact same way I do when a police officer walks up to my car window I look straight ahead I get short yes or no answers until I find out what I’m being accused of cuz there is no sense in pleading guilty to a crime they don’t know about yet.

somewhere along the way I learned honesty is not always the best policy. One night my wife and I were watching that movie Steel Magnolias and it gets to the part where Julia Roberts dies and my wife is crying I mean serious crying tearing up a box of Kleenex crying that kind of crime that doesn’t even make noise just it and I’m sitting there staring at it trying to figure out how much is the proper amount of grieving time till I can switch over to SportsCenter and she says to me “Don’t you think this is sad?” I thought yeah it’s sad if I was married to Julia Roberts as she died I’d be crying too that’s first thing I thought not the first thing I said just the first thing I thought and then she looked at me and she said “If I ever died would you get remarried?” no can do after being married to you no other woman could ever come close you ever have that dream when you’re taking a test you haven’t studied for promise me you’ll get remarried!” “Are you teasing?” no I want the sake of our children you will get remarried okay but just for the sake of the children hey you don’t think the kids mind having a young stepmom with some big ol hootings bed come on she like had not studied for that particular test.

Early in our relationship if my wife and I would be in the same room together for a half hour and she wouldn’t say a word to me I would look at her and go “What’s wrong?” hoping that it was something other than me now I have learned if we’re in the same room for a half hour together she doesn’t say a word to me it’s me they’ll just go up there I go baby I realized that I’ll have done or said something really stupid and insensitive and while I don’t yet know what it is I would like the chance to go up in my room and think about it for a little bit.

you just have to learn the rules in rule number one if she ain’t happy… you ain’t happy. Doesn’t make it less true. And if she ain’t happy long enough you’re gonna be unhappy with half your stuff.

See, I learned women are complicated creatures and once I understood that it made everything a lot easier for me but I have found that because women are complicated they like to think men are complicated – I’ve heard women talking with each other oh I wish I knew what he was really thinking. Well, I’d like to know what he’s really thinking well ladies tonight I will tell you what we’re really thinking we are really thinking I’d like a beer and I’d like to see something naked. That’s it! I wish it was deeper than that… it’s not! From the age of 15 to the grave that’s it not like a beer and I’d like to see something naked you go to a nursing home you see a 90 year old man going down the hall on a walker that’s what he’s thinking.

And I do believe women understand men better than men understand women what do you think? do you see a man stopped out of the room crying and a woman gone what yeah

But if women understand men better it’s because they study us if you ever seen women’s magazines and the articles on them it’s always things like how to get a good man how to get rid of a bad man. How to turn a bad man in do good man.Never look at magazines nothing but pictures of naked women!

I do believe men would take advice on relationships, but we’re not going to read a magazine article about it. You’ve got to give it to us in some form where we’d accept it. You know, sneak it into the play-by-play at ball games. “And there’s strike three, Greg Maddux really looking good today. And speaking of looking good, fellas, from time to time your woman needs to be reminded that she’s still looking good to you.” [laughter, as Jeff pantomimes the “lightbulb over the head” look] “Hey, baby? Have I told you lately you are as pretty as Greg Maddux?” [laughter] “Baby?”

I love reading women’s magazines, I always feel like I’m spying on the enemy. I was reading one on the on the plane ride up here and there was this thing in there were these women nationwide had sent in their responses to the survey and one of the questions was– they were asked to name their number one type of fantasy man and you know what the number one answer was, a dangerous man. I see I thought about that I think what that when they wrote that and they must have been thinking about someone like James Bond or something. Now that’s why it’s a fantasy because in reality when you get a dangerous man you’re on an episode of cops in a tube top hanging out a trailer door going. You better not touch my cigarettes woman you hear me. fantasy reality

I will say this in 13 years my wife and I have created a beautiful home together. By that I mean she created it and we’re together basically we do have a beautiful home and it’s all my wife’s do and everything in it she went out found it she bought it she brought it home. I’m the mule. She’ll come home and she says “There’s a grandfather clock in the back of the truck.” I’m like “Hee-Haw, Hee-Haw, Hee-Haw!” People go through our house and go, “Oh, it’s a beautiful table, is that rosewood?” I go “I don’t know but it’s heavy as hell, let me tell you! I like, killed myself getting that in here!” But because my wife has created this wonderful home, there’s something within me– as a man of the family, I do feel like I have to protect the place. That’s just a male instinct. We always feel like we’ve got to protect our stuff. Even if it’s not worth protecting, we want to protect it. You ever seen people who have like a piece of crap Pinto with a Club on the steering wheel. Somebody breaks the window, steals the Club, leaves the Pinto in a pile of glass. [laughter]

But since the beginning of time men have always felt like we had to defend the cave. Whenever you go out look at a new place to live women walk through it going “Wonder what kind of wallpaper I’m gonna put in here.” Men are like “Somebody’s gonna try to get in that window, I guarantee you.” That’s the way we think, isn’t it guys? Even down to the yards. There are a lot of different theories on this one. Lots of guys like to keep their grass cut really short, so they can see the intruders coming. Keep those kill zones open, you know. “I say let the grass grow tall so they don’t know there’s a house behind it.” Some call it lazy, I say it’s thinking. Put yourself into the into the mind of a thief: say you come up on two houses and one of them has a manicured lawn with daisies growing in the flowerpot, you might be thinking “Well, that’s easy pickings.” But, you come up on a house where the grass is this tall [about three feet] and there’s a dog chained to the clothesline and a motor swinging in the tree… buddy, that’s a house where a GUN lives! And if you want to find out what kind it is, just crawl through the window after dark.

And trust me I am not insinuating women cannot take care of themselves. I know in 1998 you can. Matter of fact, you probably lot rather deal with me than my wife. ‘Cause you break into my house, I will shoot you. My wife will shoot you and then spend thirty minutes telling why she shot you. [in one breath and at an increasing pace] “I shot you for coming through the window like that. You know, you ought to get a job like the rest of us. I was up at five forty-five this morning. I had to make lunch for the kids, and then I had to take them to school, then I had to go to work myself. At lunch hour, I had to go get my driver’s license renewed, then I had to stop by the grocery store on the way home. Are you listening to me? Are you listening to me? If you bleed on my rug, I’m gonna shoot you again.” [laughter]

I will say this about my wife, though. That she is secure enough in her masculinity… but if there is a noise in our house in the middle of the night, she still lets me go check it out. In this age of equality I’m pretty sure that’s happening worldwide. Not too often you gonna see “Phyllis, go downstairs and see what that noise was… and bring me back a piece of chicken, okay? Have I told you lately, you’re as pretty as Greg Maddux Phyllis, you really are.” Now, if there’s a noise in our house in the middle of the night, it’s me checking it out… in my underwear, carrying a baseball bat… because that is the official uniform of suspicious noises, underpants and a baseball bat. I don’t know what we’re hoping to find. Some guy in the living room in his underwear with a ball. [laughter]

And my dad didn’t really didn’t need to carry the baseball bat. ‘Cause he always wore those big boxer shorts that were gapped open in the front. [laughter] Oh, that gap is like a taser to a buglar. “Oh, shut the gap! Shut the gap!” [takes his wallet out of his back pocket] “Here, take my wallet! Just, please, shut that gap!” [loud whoop from the audience]

A lot of ways those guys trying to be protectors. In every house that we’ve ever lived in, I’ve always slept between my wife and the door to our bedroom. I tell her that’s in case anybody gets into our place they have to go through me to get to her. That’s what I tell. Truth is if there’s a fire, I’m getting my ass out there. Well, I have life insurance and I’m not positive she’s gonna wake me up anymore. And life insurance is another form of protection. That’s just kind of a fine line deal, because you want to have enough of it, god forbid you do pass earlier,  every guy I think has a mental image of his family sitting around the table with a turkey leg in each hand going ♪♪ He was a jolly good fellow ♪♪. But you don’t want to have so much insurance that you actually put a bounty on your own head. I don’t want to see my wife down at the hospital going “Pull the plug.” “Mrs. Foxworthy, it’s only a sprained ankle.” “I don’t care, pull the plug. I know him, and he wouldn’t want to limp around like that. Just put him down, go on, put him down.”

Guys I always feel like we got to protect the place and maintain the stuff. Bless my wife’s heart she thinks I can fix anything that breaks in our house. Including the cars. I know nothing about cars if you never see my legs sticking out from under a car please god call 9-1-1 because something bad has happened. But if we’re on the road in the car act up I am obligated to pull off to the side and at least act like I know what I’m doing. Might as well be staring into the human brain. “Oh there’s a lot of stuff in here. Alright baby ,try it one time!  Hold on, let me do something. Look at that, I got mustard on my shirt.

I always end up taking the car to the shop but I try to do the same thing to them. “Jeff, what happened!” Well we’re just going down the road the stupid car stopped on us that’s strange did you check the alternator yeah yeah looked at it you know look like it was full and saw. Joey, call my wife tell her we’re going.  It doesn’t matter if the car breaks now we never make good time anywhere anyway we never make good time we’re late everywhere we go even to church by the time we get to church I need Church cuz I’ve been yelled at there buddy in the family. We have no idea what happens the first ten minutes of church. I think they’re having a raffle or something cuz when we walk in they’re going hallelu yes I think we could have won something if y’all want to hurry that they say.

I actually do know why we’re always late to churches. Because I live with three women and they care a lot about the way they look you can tell that because women in church always look pretty you ever look at the men have that slip in hair with leaves and sticks in it… wearing a sport coat with a cling free on the back of it.

And I have learned for my wife looking good takes a little time. I know when we’re preparing to go out for the evening, the four words that I dread hearing the most it’s my wife’s voice coming out of that bathroom, “I HATE my hair!” “Well, I’ll just call them and tell them we ain’t coming tonight…” Never ever do you hear men say “I hate my hair.” ‘Cause as long as it’s still there… we like it! And we are not going to say anything ugly about it that might make it get out and leave! And the older I’ve become, the more I’m convinced men’s hair is not falling out. It is just going in and coming out of the places. Follow me on this. One the other day plucked a nose hair I saw my hairline receipt just a little bit. it’s going in, coming out somewhere else. You ever been on an elevator with an old man that head of yours full of hair he doesn’t either here at baby just needs a haircut. That’s going in and coming out other places.

Like eyebrows by the time men are 60 our eyebrows look like a zeliha butcher’s. Cut me Mick I can’t see nothing company.

And the older women get the more than our eyebrows just kind of disappear. Everybody’s got that inch you see her every year at the family reunion she doesn’t have my eyebrows anymore she just draws them on every day. Always looks like she’s just seen a rat. You know what I think Simon I think when we’re sleeping women’s eyebrows are jumping off their face running across the bed join in the men’s team that’s what

And if men do worry about hair we only worry about the hair on our head. Women worry about every single hair on their body. Before we went on vacation last summer my wife said to me I haven’t got to go get ready for bikini season. Which to me means buying new sunglasses. Well see in 13 years I have learned you can move your eyes just don’t turn your head wives can hear those neck muscles creaking and there’s nothing more embarrassing than watching a girl walk across the front of the pool in her bathing suit and end up face to face with your own wife. Hi listen I was just thinking we ought to ask her to babysit for us tonight that way. You and I could go ahead and have a nice lobster dinner maybe I could buy you some new jewelry you like jewelry don’t y’all buy a lot of jewelry.

What my wife meant when she said she needed to get ready for bikini season was that she was about to go have a procedure done to her that is called a bikini wax. And to hear her describe this horror… [laughter] Apparently, she paid somebody. [pause] I repeat: Paid somebody. To pour lava hot scalding wax on her inner thighs. And then the two of them chatted for a little while until the wax had dried, and then the women grabbed the wax and YANKED the hair out. [laughter] If you ever hear of somebody doing this to me, rest assured there was a *gun* to  my head. Because you yank the hair out of my inner thigh, I will tell you where my grandmother hides her money. [laughter] That’s the most horrible thing I’ve ever heard of. We should implement that as a penalty in our judicial system. [laughter] “You’ve been found guilty of breaking and entering. For the next twelve months, you are required to get a bikini wax every two weeks.” No, Your Honor, have mercy on me! “And if I catch you back in here, you’re gonna have to have a butt wax, too.” [laughter] [covering his face in embarrassment] I’m sorry, I don’t know where that came from. You guys are going to be in bed tonight, asleep, I’m going to be staring at the ceiling: “Butt wax? [laughs to himself] It’s like something you’d buy in a drug store, doesn’t it? But not an impulse purchase, no. [pause] “Excuse me, what aisle is the butt wax on, please?” Do you want the scented or the unscented butt wax? “I need the unscented. There’s a lot of dogs in our neighborhood.” [laughter]

you know that’s just the beginning then you have the leg hair like guys have you ever had your woman take care of razor shave her legs with it then she’ll put it back on the counter you pick up that same razor and shave your face you can’t get the bleeding to stop. It takes a team of trained professionals but you can get the bleeding to stop Lord I don’t know what a woman’s leg hair is made out of, but you get enough of it together you could clean a rusty grill with it. Nothing on this planet feels as good as the personally shaven woman’s legs a few things worse did there’s one that hadn’t met a razor in a while. It actually has a groom to it you know one waist not too bad the other ways severe tire damage. And married men know this that’s because every married man here tonight said this little conversation where he’s lying in bed with his wife Hey Baby you want to fool around “okay but I hadn’t shaved my legs in five days. “That’s okay we just wait.”would you straight well as five women sex with a cactus not that I’ve ever had sex with a cat decide and it’s not just the hair that makes us lay need half the timers the shoes we don’t go out anymore without playing the Flamingo leg game this is the one where she gets dressed puts on two different shoes and goes hon which shoes look better with this? thing are these let’s mess with her I don’t know, do it again. are they do it again. I’ve never been in a hunting camp and see some guys go hey Jerry what do you think hunting bears teen achieves number 10 she’s oh no Ted do it again.

and if she has a hard time choosing this problem because she got so many shoes to choose from. I only had like 10 pairs of shoes and every pair I’ve got has a function I have cowboy boots I’ve got work boots, I’ve got running shoes. My wife has 50 pairs of high heels and we all know the function of a pair of high heels make your legs and butt look good. Women aren’t wearing these things because they’re comfortable that’s why they wear because you put your heels up in the air and walk you can’t walk but one way you take the biggest burliest truck driver in America put him in a pair of high heels that’s way he’d walk Tom get me a slim jim and a coke ol alright my shipment showing is it I hope not and the reason women care about how their legs in but look is because men care about how women’s legs are but look men aren’t worrying about the way our own butts look he’ll most men aren’t aware in the fact that we have a butt until it starts itching and then this bit on where the fact that scratching it in public might be offensive to somebody mr. president hey that has got to be the number one form of birth control on the planet scratching your butt don’t believe you guys next time you’re in a bar trying to pick up a girl while you’re scratching your ear and I hear sweet things you want a name stuck-up and men really ought to keep her hands off her Aryans we should because we’re scratching them all away we are causing our own butt erosion have you ever seen an old man’s butt no you have not they don’t have one anymore they stretched it all looks like you made a frog stand up and put on a pair of double knit pants that’s why when old men sit down they tug their trousers is just trying to put some cotton under that butt bone back here no there’s probably a lot of single people here tonight there’s 

[to the single people in the audience]

I know you’re probably saying “well, we’ve talked a lot about getting married, none of this applies to me. I’m not ever getting married. Nope, not the kid. I’m just gonna date, date, date, date, date, date, die.

[whoops and hollers]

Yeah, well that’s what we all thought. Then you wake up one morning, you’re staring at a mortgage, two kids, and a mini van going “How’d the hell this happen?”


“I was just trying to get laid!” Well, that’s how it happens!

Because when you’re single so much of the focus on relationships is on the physical end of it

I know single guys that can take anything a woman says and turn it into a sexual innuendo. You could have a group of people, and the woman could go “you know, I need to get my tires rotated.” And I know single guys that are thinking “yeah, I’d like to rotate her tires.”


Whereas married men are going “you need to get your tires rotated? I know a place right down the street that does it. They’re fast, they’re cheap, as a matter of fact, I think I’ve got a coupon for ’em here in my wallet.”

[pulls his wallet out of his pocket]

“Yes, sir. There it is, right where my condom used to be.”


see and I lost the billion single I just don’t think I’d want to be single again I mean for one thing when you’re with somebody new all the time you run the risk of culling them by the wrong name hey Sara I always thinking didn’t you just call me Sara no I said Sara beer in the frigerator I really want to say I tell you what I wouldn’t want to have to take my clothes off in front of somebody new comes back when I was 20 years old and I had to take my clothes off in front of somebody I’d actually leave the light on and strut a little bit not anymore let me tell you gravity is doing its damage I had to take my clothes off and from somebody knew that light would be off and I’d be going across the room like I was being shot at I’d be

I do like the permanency of marriage. I never did like breaking up with people. And I guess everybody here has broken up with somebody. We’ve all heard the break up lines, there’s a million of ’em. I was picking out a few of my favorites, like “I need some space.”


Which is half a sentence. The rest of it is “without you in it.”


I think my all-time favorite: “I think we should start seeing other people.”


Trust me, nobody has ever said that one to you without having somebody else in mind.


Guys, if a woman says to you “I think we should start seeing other people,” trust me, she has already cut a pony from the herd, and if she ain’t ridin’ him yet, she *has* pulled the saddle out of the barn.

[laughter and applause]


[about sex] Some people say “you know, sexually, it’s more exciting when you’re single.” I don’t know about that. You ever try to have sex with two little kids in the same house?


My wife and I put our kids to bed, we’re running down the hall like we’re hitting the beaches at Normandy.


[as himself] “Go baby, go baby, go baby, go baby!”

[as one of his daughters] “DADDY!” [as himself, pretending as if he’s been shot] “Ah, they got me!” [laughter] “Start without me!”

Some people will say well you know sexually it’s more exciting when you’re single I don’t know about that you tried to have sex with two little kids in the same house my wife and I put our kids to bed we’re running down the hall pulling off clothes like we’re hitting the beach at Normandy go baby go they got me and if it is more exciting being single it’s not without a price because the sexual playground is really dangerous today being married feel

It’s like being the National Guard, we may not be seeing as much action as the front line, but we are living to fight another day.

And besides married people will tell you you don’t get married to get sex get married to get sex it’s like buying a 747 to get free peanuts will the boy you watch peanuts there’s a lot more closed efficient ways to get them it it is true things aren’t gonna cool off a little bit I got an Uncle Fred and that Doris they’ve been married 52 years and a fair sweat in the back of a car it’s because somebody locked them in the truck but think for a minute there are advantages to having the same partner over a long period of time I mean for one thing you kind of learn what your partner wants and what they like and what they need when you’re with somebody new all the time you don’t have a clue it’s like playing pin the tail on the donkey blindfold it go a little bit to the left none of the other laughs you’re not even in the same room are you trying see after 13 years I know the combination of my wife’s a 13 to the left 18 to the right 9 to the left you’re welcome baby jingyan all that work on your technique it really should because that’s the only part of the whole thing you have any control over the rest of it you’re just playing with what the good Lord doubts you and whoever said all men are created equal has never been in a locker room I’ll tell you that and women think they have a handle on this when I’ve heard you talk well if he’s got big feet then you know or if he’s got big hands or if he’s got a big nose if he’s got big ears well let me tell you something he better be packing because that’s one goofy looking they’re as silly as it seems guys still worry about this stuff and women bless your heart you’re always trying to make us feel better oh honey it’s not the size of the ship it is the motion of the ocean well that may be true but it takes a long time to get to England in a rowboat speaking of time y’all to learn to take your time because when it comes to matters like this I have felt water kind of like diesel engines you know they take a little bit to get them going but once you do they can run along I don’t know what that sleeping happens but it does there is some kind of energy transfer taking place in this act because when we get through my wife can jump up out of bed run in the kitchen make a sandwich vacuum the living room clean out the garage you might as well put crime scene tape around me cuz I ain’t moving one time I tried to get out to go get a glass of water I look like a newborn giraffe or one of those wild animal show.


When my wife first discovered she was pregnant with our first child, she starting worrying about this little baby growing inside of her. Well, I didn’t have any baby growing inside of me, I had to worry about something. I started worrying about how we were going to pay for all of this. [laughter] Overnight, I became my own father. Just stalking through the house turning off lights. [laughter and applause] “Anybody in this room? Anybody going *through* this room? We’re lighting up the neighborhood here, people! Listen, I’ve got a 75 watter in here, but I can drop her down to a 15 if we can’t handle the responsibility!” [laughter] By the time my second child was born, I was standing outside the house staring at the meter going “turn something off! This thing is spinning like a top, turn something off! You people are killing me! Unplug something!” [laughter]

* * *

[during the “You Might Be a Redneck If…” encore] If you’ve ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher. [laughter and disgusted moans] Let me give you a little background on that one. I am doing a radio show in Dallas, Texas, and a woman called that one in. And I just started laughing; I said “you know what makes this funny is I know you’re not making it up.” You know she walked into the bathroom one day, looked at her husband and said “what are you doing?” [laughter] “Well, I am scratching my back. What does it look like?”

* * *

Sophisticated people play chess. Rednecks can amuse ourselves for hours with a sheet of bubble wrap. [laughter] “Pop, pop, pop. Poppoppoppoppop.” [laughter] “Oh, for heaven’s sake, Joe. Let the kids play with it a while. You’re gonna be late to work.” [laughter]


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