When you start doing what Jeff and I do this is the kind of digs you get at these big events. Oh, that’s right. This room’s gotta be eight-by-eight. [announcer]
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, Jeff Foxworthy! [crowd cheering and applauding]
Thank you. Thank you very much. How are you? So awesome to be here, the beautiful Orpheum Theater in Minneapolis. Yeah, we’ve had such a ball here. And I’m so thankful you showed up tonight because we need you. Wait, we do, we call the thing the “We’ve Been Thinking” tour because as we think about stuff we either have to get a psychiatrist or we need you to help us work through it, all right?
First example, and this one’s pretty recent, last Thursday. My brother lives next door to me. His oldest daughter is in medical school. She’s in her third year. So in your third year you have to do everything. And then in your fourth year you kinda specialize. So my brother told me, last Thursday, she called home to let him know that that day had been “prostate check day”. It gets better. There are 60 people in her class. They all checked the same guy. That’s why I need your help. This guy is rolled in a ball right here. And the guy told him. He said, he had been doing this for 40 years. And that over the last forty years he had his prostate checked thousands and thousands of times. I’m thinkin’, “You’re not doing this for the money, are you?” And here’s the deal. I don’t feel bad for him. He signed up for it.
You know who I felt bad for? His mother. And I’ll tell you why, because every week this woman has to go out to lunch with her friends and her friends are like, “Well, Inez, what is Billy doing now?” “Well, he is working all the time but he said it is wearing his ass out.” And here’s the other thing I got to thinking about. You know, when they check it and– Maybe the women don’t know this but they got the glove on. And then they put that K– That jelly. Sixty applications of jelly! There is no way this guy can drive home from this event. He can’t stay on the seat, you know! It’s like… And he can’t walk home because if he farts, he’ll have a trail of bubbles behind him and little kids chasing him and trying to pop ’em.
These are the kind of things we think about. Well, I haven’t decided if I’m running for president or not yet. I… I started to say I’m not qualified but this time around it doesn’t really matter, does it? Oh, my God! Well, here’s the deal. I mean, like all y’all, I watch this stuff every day, and it amuses me that all these candidates, they just keep promising people more and more and more. And as I watch it, I think, that’s not really the problem that we have in America. We don’t need more. We have so much stuff now, we can’t even enjoy the people we love. What we need is more common sense. And, seriously! So if I was running what I would do is use some common sense and start taking away some of the stupid stuff we don’t need. I call them “no-more’s.”
Day number one, no more picking up dog poop. It’s embarrassing. We are the top of the food chain. No other animal picks up another animal’s poop. Monkeys pick up their own and throw it but they’re kind of the comedians of the animal world. And they’re just trying to make the school kids laugh. But they have a rule in my neighborhood. If you walk your dog and your dog does his business in somebody else’s yard, you need to get a little plastic bag, pick it up and dispose of it. So you drive through my neighborhood and there’s all these attractive women walking around with poo-poo-purses. And I know the dogs are confused. The dog’s like, “Wait a minute! You’re taking it back home? Why did we have to walk three blocks? I could have pooped in the living room, saved us both some embarrassment.” What a stupid rule! Why would they have us pick it up? It’s fertilizer. It makes the grass grow. Lord, it’s not like some child is gonna step in it. A kid hadn’t played in the yard since 1982! You know what’s sad? We have an entire generation that has no idea how to get dog poop off the bottom of their shoe. But when I was growing up we played in the yard every day. And every day somebody stepped in dog poop. And when it was your turn, you knew what to do about it. You would hobble over to the curb… and scrape the biggest part off on the edge of the curb. Then you would find a puddle and you would swirl the bottom of your shoe around in the puddle. Then limp over to the grass and do the brush-stroke, back and forth. Then you would find a little bitty piece of stick… and you would sit down on the curb and you would pick it out of the zig-zag pattern on the bottom. Then you wore those shoes to church the next day. And nobody in that church knew you had stepped in dog poop. So, no more, no more picking up dog poop.
No more sugar-free cookies. It’s like going to the drive-in movie by yourself. You can do it but it ain’t ending in a smile. You’re an adult. If you want a cookie, eat a cookie. If you want sugar-free eat celery. Quit wasting valuable cookie dough on sugar-free cookies. Nobody likes ’em.
Now you hear this a lot in an election year like this year. All of them talk about the war on women. They each blame each other for having a war on women, which is stupid. This is a media thing. Nobody would have a war on women, because they would never win an election. Common sense. If there is any war on women, it’s men fighting each other trying to get a woman. ‘Cause everybody loves women. And you know why every man wants a woman? Because women are in sole possession of the most valuable thing on the planet. A brain. These two guys were like, “Oh! Missed that one.” Now guess what? They own all of that too. Which I think is part of God’s great plan. See, I think God created women to guide men through life. But God knew men were hard-headed, and men weren’t gonna listen to women. So God gave women the other stuff just to make us pay attention. I just think he may have underestimated how powerful the other stuff was gonna be to us. Well, think about this. Adam and Eve live in the Garden of Eden. God says to them, “You’ll never be hungry, you’ll never be thirsty, you’ll never be sick, you’ll never die. I’m gonna come by every afternoon and go for a walk with you. There’s only one rule to live here. Don’t eat the fruit of that one tree.” Now God had no more than gotten in his car and driven off… when Eve walked over to the tree and picked an apple and looked at Adam and said, “You think we should eat this?” And he looked at her standing there, buck naked and went, “Hell yeah, baby, if you want to let’s do it.” If God had put her in a flannel nightgown… we might all be living in paradise today.
No more reality TV shows. Seriously. If I want to watch the day to day life of unattractive, uneducated people I will hang out with my own family, thank you very much. No more breast reduction surgeries. I mean, why should I be penalized just because your back hurts? Come on! Take an Advil, for cryin’ out loud! No more commercials where some law group is trying to get somebody to sue somebody else. We are the most sue-happy nation on Earth, which is why our car insurance is so expensive, which is why our medical insurance is so expensive, all of the lawsuits. And it started with cars. “Have you been in a car accident?” “Do you know someone that’s been in a car accident?” “Have you ever heard about a car accident?” Now it’s everything. “Has a woman with a vaginal mesh implant given you the prescription drug ‘Fen-Phen’ which caused you to develop mesothelioma? If so, you could be owed billions.” I just remembered, that happened to me last summer, yes, sir.
No more parents at Little League games. We’ve tried it, it doesn’t work. Children’s recreational sports were started for kids to have fun. It is the grownups that took the fun out of it. Seriously, parents, no more, serious! Parents, no more yelling at the coaches. The coaches are not the reason your child is not gonna play professional sports. Your genetics are the reason your child is not gonna play professional sports. And no more trophies for everybody.
And no more not keeping score. Seriously, no matter how badly you don’t want to hurt somebody’s feelings, the truth in life is there are winners and there are losers. If you don’t believe me, let’s get in my car and go to Walmart after midnight. Walmart after midnight makes The Walking Dead look like America’s Next Top Model.
No more letting people over 65 forward emails. They can use the Internet, they just can’t forward emails. They cannot contain themselves. They forward everything. I spend hours a day deleting the emails of my father-in-law and my mother. And my father-in-law’s are always the political ones. “If you don’t send this to a million people tonight, you are not an American.” “Oh! I was gonna watch TV, but this is gonna take a while.” And my mother’s are always the humorous ones, which she mislabels in the subject line. She’ll have, “Funniest thing I’ve ever seen.” No, it’s not, Mother. It’s two kittens in a clothes basket. At best it’s mildly amusing and you’re distracting me from surfing the web, looking for nursing homes within driving distance.
See, when it comes to technology my wife and I laugh about this ’cause we’re in our mid-fifties and my wife says, “we’re the baloney in the technology-baloney sandwich.” We’re right in the middle, because our parents can’t text and our children can’t write. My kids don’t even think you need to study. They’re like, “Dad, if you wanna know something just Google it.” And to a point they’re right. I mean when I was growing up, if you were watching TV and somebody said, “What was that guy in?”, you’d go, “Oh, he looks familiar.” That was it! Now you’re watching TV, somebody goes, “What was that guy in?” Somebody goes… “He was the janitor on Joey” Of course, he was. But I tried to tell my kids, I said, “Yeah, there’s a lot of stuff you can learn from Google.” I said, “But there’s just as much stuff you can’t learn from Google. You only learn it from life experience. You usually learn most of it the hard way. It’s stuff that’s not Google-able.” I don’t know if that’s a word. But I call ’em the facts of life. It’s stuff you can’t Google.
Like this, fact of life. If you were trying to get to the bathroom in an emergency situation, it is not a wise idea to unbutton your pants in transit, trying to save a couple of seconds. Because the muscles that guard the flood-gates will interpret the unbuttoning as the signal to abandon their post… and the two seconds you saved on the button are nullified by the hour and a half you spend mopping and doing laundry. You only learn that the hard way.
Fact of life, out of all the cereals, Captain Crunch is the most time-intensive. Here’s what I’m talking about. You eat it too soon after you poured the milk on and you’ll rip the roof of your mouth to shreds. You wait too long after you poured the milk on and the Captain will put a film on your teeth a wired brush can’t get rid of.
Fact of life, you can have a wife with long beautiful hair or you can be on time.
Fact of life, if a cable or satellite company promises you something for free in six months you are gonna get a bill that looks like Ron White’s bar tab.
Fact of life, it takes more than two people to play the “who farted?” game. Well, if there’s only two of you, you know the truth. And they know the truth! And speakin’ of which, how come anytime you just try to sneak one out, as soon as you let it go, somebody walks right into it? You could feel it brewing. You could get on a plane, fly to South America, go to the Arctic Circle, get on a dog-sled, 300 miles to the South Pole. Look around, not a living thing in sight. Soon as you let it go, “Hey, Jeff, are these your car keys? Aaah! Oh, my God! What did you eat? Dog food? Aaah! It’s in my mouth. It’s in my mouth. Aaah!”
Fact of life, if you’re going to see a scary movie at the movie theater, it’ll be much more entertaining if you can find a seat directly behind a group of black women. Because not only will you get the scary movie, you will also get their running commentary of the scary movie. “Oh, look at this! She’s running around in her panties like that! Girl, put some drawers on! And put that hair up ‘fore he snatch that weave out your head.” “Now, can you see this, girlfriend, she’ goin’ back in the house. No, she goin’ down to the basement! Girl, get your shit and get outta there, now!”
Fact of life, if your wife hints she might be in the mood, your kids will sense it and won’t go to bed for three years!
Talking about kids, fact of life, the more kids you have, the worse your parenting becomes. People that only have one child are making homemade baby food out of organic vegetables they’re growin’ in their own backyard. Yeah, by the time that fourth child rolls around, you’re smoking a cigarette while you watch your toddler pull a year-old milk dud out from under the stove and eat it. “Pick the cat hair off of it before you put it in your mouth. Come on.”
Fact of life, out of all the dinosaurs, the Tyrannosaurus Rex was the meanest because his arms were too short to reach his wiener. That is a medically-proven fact. That will make you angry. And you’ll never watch Jurassic Park the same way again.
Fact of life, if you’re driving down the Interstate and you come up behind that old pickup truck that has, like, 13 wooden pallets stacked in the back and they are held together by, like, two ratty bungee cords, we all say the same prayer, “Dear God, do not let those bungee cords break, until I get around this guy. What happens to them we don’t really worry about. But I need to get around him.”
Fact of life, when your kids go off to college, you need to be concerned about the excessive drinking, the wild sex, the sleeping till noon and you need to worry your kids might be doing the same thing.
Fact of life, 100 percent of the black men that shave their heads look really cool. Fifty percent of the white guys that shave their heads look like they just murdered their parents. And you’re thinking of somebody right now, aren’t you?
Fact of life, flying on an airplane makes you gassy. Nobody ever talks about this. Nobody ever acknowledges this. We just take our little roll around suit cases and walk to baggage claim popping them off like a trail horse. [popping lips] OK, let me tell you what makes me feel better. When I write this stuff I don’t know if it’s just me or not. But when you laugh like that and start punching each other… I know there’s others in the club. I think that’s why TSA is always in such a bad mood, by the way.
Fact of life, if you wake yourself up with a snore… the first thing you do is look around to see who is laughing at you. [snorts]
Fact of life, when your wife or girlfriend gets tipsy there is a very fine line between her talking dirty to you and sleeping like a hibernating bear. And by fine line, I mean, half a sip. “You wait till we get home tonight, mister. Gonna tear you up.” [snoring] And once she crosses the line, you ain’t getting her back. It’s like the paramedics putting the paddle on a body with no head. You’re wasting your time. “Baby wake up for like one minute, one minute, please.”
Fact of life, women always have more questions than men have answers to. Example of this, six, seven months ago, I get a text one day. The text says, “Please pray for Tom, he was in a bad wreck.” I walk into the kitchen where my wife is, I said, “I just got a text, said, ‘Please pray for Tom, he was in a bad wreck.'” She said, “Was he driving?” “I don’t know. I just got a text, said, ‘Please pray for Tom, he was in a bad wreck.'” “Were Carol and the kids in the car with him?” “I don’t know. I just got a text, said, ‘Please pray for Tom, he was in a bad wreck.'” “Were the people in the other car hurt?” “I just got a text, said, ‘Please pray for Tom, he was in a bad wreck.'” “What hospital did they take him to?” “I just got a text, said, ‘Please pray for Tom, he was in a bad wreck.'” She said, “You don’t know anything. What do you know?” “I know you need to pray for Tom, just got a text, said he was in a bad wreck.” It’s all I got, I ain’t holding anything back, that’s it.
People pointing at each other here. Women have questions. I remember last year our friends went through a rough spot in their marriage so my wife told me to play golf with him to find out what’s going on. Eight hours later, I come home, she’s waiting. “Well?” “We got to the golf course and went to the driving range first. We’re sitting there hitting balls and I say to him, I said, uh, ‘So, how are things at home?’ And he said… [groans] That’s my report.” “You didn’t ask him anything else?” “We started talking about football after that.” She’s like, “How can men be emotionally unattached?” I said, “Well, that’s just the way we’re wired.” We can’t afford to be emotionally attached. Not the way we talk to each other. This is the way men talk to our friends, the guys we love the most. A guy walking down the street’ll see a best friend and say, “Mike! How you doing? I love that shirt, did Elton John have a yard sale? What the hell do you weigh now, about two tons, good God, dude, eat a salad, you bald-headed fat bastard!” That’s how we talk to our friends. I told my wife, if women talk to their friends like men y’all would never get outta bed. It would be fun to watch, though. “Phyllis, is that a vein on your leg or a tattoo of the Amazon river?” Judy, I love those stretch pants. Did you drop a pack of marbles in the back of them?” Stretch pants are like George Washington, they cannot tell a lie.
Fact of life, you will listen much more closely to a butt dial than you will an actual phone call. When somebody butt-dials me, I will stay on the phone ten or 15 minutes trying to catch them doing something. It’s only paid off once. I got a buddy named Perp, he’s a carpenter. He wears this phone on his belt, puts his hands on his hip, he butt-dials someone. So one day Perp butt-dials me and I don’t have anything to do, so I’m just listening to him. I can hear him walking around, and I can hear a door open, and I hear a door close, but then I hear a lid go up. Being the mature adult I am, I go running down the hall to find my wife, I’m like, “Perp’s peein’, Perp’s peein’!” Put it on speaker phone, me and my wife sit there and listen to my buddy urinate. Halfway through it, we heard… [fart sound] My wife starts laughing so hard she wet her pants… Which I think is God’s way of saying, “Verily, verily do not listen to thee that butt-dial ye.”
Fact of life. You do not want a kidney stone. You may wanna fall wiener-first in a badger hole, but you do not want a kidney stone. How many people have had a kidney stone? Oh, quite a few. How many people have fallen wiener-first in a badger hole? All right. Here’s how I know you don’t want a kidney stone. About six months ago, I’m in the tire store, getting new tires for my truck, I’m at the counter paying for them, feel great. All of a sudden, it’s like Chuck Norris kicked me in the back. I made a noise. I was like… [screeching] I didn’t say it was a masculine noise. I said it was a noise. About ten seconds later, it hit me again. I was like… [screeches] Dwayne, the kid that’s ringing me up at the cash register looks at me and says, and I quote, “Hey, I ain’t no doctor.” Which caught me off guard. I mean, it did. I just assumed that he was, that he didn’t like wearing the stethoscope while changing tires. He goes, “I ain’t no doctor, but I think you got a kidney stone because my brother had one and that’s what he acted like.” It is not that I didn’t trust Dwayne’s diagnosis. But I thought, “You know, Jeff, you have a little money. Why not get a second opinion?”
So… So I have a buddy that’s a urologist. I called him, “Dude, I think I might have a kidney stone.” He said, “Come in, we’ll take an x-ray.” So we take an x-ray. He comes out thinking he’s a comedian. He’s like, “Well, I got good news and bad news.” He said, “The good news is you don’t have a kidney stone. Bad news is you have five of ’em. And one of them is huge.” Well, he then proceeds to give me an anatomy lesson. He said, “The stones form in the kidneys. They don’t hurt when they’re there. But from the kidneys they pass through a tiny tube called the ureter down to the bladder. A big stone can be five or six times wider than the ureter.” And the word “stone”, they need to rename it. It’s misleading. When you hear “stone”, you think smooth river rock gently tumbling… A kidney stone looks nothing like that. A kidney stone looks like a ninja death-star. It’s got spikes and claws and blades and hooks, so it’s not sliding anywhere. It is cutting through nerves and muscles and blood vessels. And he said passing a big one was the equivalent of like trying to get a porcupine to walk backwards through a garden hose. So you could see where there might be some discomfort. And I really thought I knew what pain was before this. I remember, when I was 20, I’m spending the night at a buddy’s house. I got up in the middle of the night to get water, I didn’t turn the light on, and I hit my little toe on their coffee table. I broke it 90 degrees sideways. Knocked the nail completely off. I laid in the floor and said the “F” word 148 times in a row. Next to a kidney stone, that made that seem like a bubble bath with Jennifer Aniston. The thing only hurts when it moves. You never knew when it’s gonna move. You’d feel great and be talking to people. Like, “Jeff, what are you workin’ on?” “Well, I was just out in LA filming American Bible– Oh, God! Oh, Jesus! Hold my hand. Help me, Jesus!” They’re like, “Boy, he takes that show seriously, doesn’t he?” But the pain was nuts! I read online, doctors– they say it’s the equivalent of a woman giving birth with no meds. Any women here given birth and had a kidney stone? Both. You’ve had both. Which one was worse? -Giving birth. -Giving birth? What about you? Giving birth. Here’s my argument as defense attorney for the kidney stone. A year or two after having a baby, a woman will say, “You know what? I’m about ready to have another child.” You never hear a man say, “Well, I’ve about quit puking and crying. I think I’ll drink a case of Coca Cola and see if I can’t work up another kidney stone.” And when my doctor saw the big one, he immediately started writing me a prescription for Percoset. I hardly ever take Aspirin. I’m like, “Dude, you’re wasting time. I am not taking Percoset.” [laughs] “Oh, you skinny-mustached bow-legged boy.” When it started moving, I was eating Percoset like they were peanut M&Ms. I went from being Doctor Oz to Keith Richards in three seconds.
And one night the pain was so bad, I’m telling– I told my wife, “You gotta take me to the hospital. The Percoset’s not making a dent in this.” She drops me at the emergency room and goes to park the car and I walk in. At the desk, the nurse said, “So what’s wrong with you?” I said, “I have a kidney stone.” And she kinda laughed. She goes… [chuckles] “Well, you’re gonna be waiting a long time tonight, hon.” I said, “No, ma’am. I am in the worst pain of my life.” She said, “Well, you just feel like you’re gonna die, but you’re not.” I said, “You don’t have a lot of sympathy.” She said, “Oh, you’re looking for sympathy. Baby, that is in the dictionary between ‘shit’ and ‘syphilis’.” She said that! I looked it up later. She’s right. I mean, it is. But she just hands me the clipboard to fill out. So I go in the waiting room, I sit down next to a guy that’s got a knife in his head. He’s got a knife stickin’ in his head. I’m like, “Oh, my God! Were you in a fight?” He said, “No, I have a kidney stone. I did this to myself trying to get to the back back there.”
And sometimes when it would move, it would land in such a way, it would block the urine stream, which– The ureter would balloon out, it was the weirdest thing ’cause it felt like you wet your pants. But then when you went, holy cow, did it hurt. Half your brain’s like, “Better go to the bathroom. Gonna embarrass yourself. You’re gonna wet your pants.” The other half’s like, “Don’t do it. It’s gonna hurt.” The kidney stone was like the Somali pirate in the movie Captain Phillips going, “Look at me. I am the captain of the ship now. I make the rules.” And they had you pee through a strainer. Did they make you pee through a strainer– ‘Cause they wanna find out what the stone’s made of so they can take that out of your diet. So I felt like– You know at Christmas, when you watch that old Rudolph thing, the prospector, Yukon Cornelius? That’s what I felt like. Nothing. So, y’all, this went on for six weeks. Six weeks. Every day I was in this pain. The thing would lodge, block the urine, then it would move and hurt. And then I had about four days where I felt great. I thought, “Did I miss it in the strainer or maybe I passed it?” So I went back to the doctor and I took another x-ray. Well, the thing had lodged right in a bend in the ureter next to the bladder, but because it was lodged, it wasn’t moving, so it didn’t hurt. And not blocking the urine stream. I’m like, “Hey, let’s leave it there till the Lord comes back.” But the doctor looks at the x-ray, “I don’t like where that thing is at. I’m gonna give you a week to pass it, and if you don’t we’ll have to get it.” I have a question. When you say “Go get it”, what kinda trip are we talking about there? He said, “We’ve got this flexible metal cord that has a retractable claw at the end of it. We’ll run that cord up the ‘exit only’ ramp, through the bladder, we’ll grab that stone and we will drag it out kickin’ and screamin’.” He said, “Once we get it out, we’ll put a stent in that claw, go right back in a second time and insert that stent into the walls of the ureter…” Which, by now, quite honestly, have lost the will to live. He said, “We’ll leave it there for three or four days, go back in a third time, grab that stent and yank it out.” And I’m thinking since they outlawed water boarding, this has got to be what they’re doing to get terrorists to talk. “So, where’s Bin Laden?” “I do not know.” “We’re gonna get that little metal cord with a claw and see if we can’t find a kidney stone.” “Oh, you sons of the bitches. He’s living in Pakistan in a white house on the corner. The gate code is… [shouts gibberish] You will find him upstairs, last bedroom on the left.”
The idea of three trips with the claw scared the Willy out of me. I’m like, “I’ll do anything to avoid this.” I read online cranberry juice might help you pass one. I’m guzzling it. I’m jumping on the trampoline. Anything to get rid of this stone and avoid the claw. It must’ve worked because a couple nights later my wife and I are watching TV, I got up at one point to go to the restroom, and right in the middle of it, I had just– a real quick, sharp pain. You know, it was like… [yips] Y’all, I looked down and there is this black, spiky, little pea-sized marble rolling down the inside of the toilet towards the hole. And my mother always says, “Jeff, you don’t have to tell everything.” I’m like, “Mom, there’s good money in it. Trust me. All right?” That being said, I’m not proud of this. But when I saw the thing about to go down the hole, I panicked. And so I turned, and when I turned, I peed all over the wall in the bathroom, including a brand new roll of toilet paper. I stuck my arm in that warm toilet water, I grabbed that thing and I pulled it out. I zipped my pants up, I marched down the hall into the living room, I went to the mantle, I took down the People’s Choice award, and I put it right up there in the track lighting. You come by the house tomorrow, we’ll all take a look at it.
You guys have been awesome. Thank you… for listening to me. You’re terrific. Thank you. Thank you so much. You guys are great!
* * *
Hey, let’s keep it going, y’all. Keep it up for my good buddy, Larry “The Cable Guy.”
Well, thank you. Please remain standing. It is fun to be here. You know, this brings back so many cool memories. The last time I was here, the governor of Minnesota come down here and presented me with the key to the 24 Hour Fitness. So… that was pretty cool, but it’s kind of a… it’s a cool anniversary for me tonight. This is a double anniversary. This is my 27th year in the comedy business. And– Thank you. Remain seated. And it’s my fifth year being funny. So I’m excited about both of them. They’re both really cool, so… We’re gonna enjoy– I guess I gotta do this before going further. Git-R-Done. [laughs] Git-R-Done. [laughs] I remember, the first thing I ever sold that had “Git-R-Done” on it was in Florida. Git-R-Done condoms. [laughs] There was three sizes. Git, Git-R and Git-R-Done. All right. That was it. But they say Git-R-Done everywhere, it’s pretty awesome. I remember this is how they say Git-R-Done in China. [speaks gibberish] Not kiddin’. This is how they say Git-R-Done in Nairobi. [clicking] [popping, clicking] I ain’t kiddin’. Google it, all right? Google it. I ain’t kiddin’ with you. That’s how they do it.
Been a crazy week for me, this week. My grandma was on medical marijuana and she broke her hip the other day. She tripped playin’ hacky sack. I’m like, “Grandma, you smoke too much pot.” She goes, “How do you know how much pot I smoke?” I said, “‘Cause Meals on Wheels been by your house eight times today. All right? That’s why.”
I want to take my wife on vacation down there to Cabo San Lucas down there, in New Mexico, or wherever the hell it is in. I’m scared of that damn Zika virus, that “mosquito death.” Now they say it spreads sexually. What the hell! How drunk you gotta be to take a mosquito home with you? All right? Dadgum. Kiddin’, how you get their little legs apart? That’s what I don’t know about. You’ll bust ’em. They’re little. I knew they were pests. Now they’re whores. You believe that? I can’t believe it. It’s ridiculous! [sighs deeply] Might want you to keep a buddy of mine in your prayers. He is supposed to be here tonight, but he got bit yesterday by a brown recluse. So… Not the spider, the Puerto Rican neighbor that rarely comes out of his house. All right, it’s weird. Kinda come out, bit him on the shoulder and hauled ass back in. “What the hell’s wrong with Carlos? He’s normally pretty reclusive, that feller right there. I don’t get that.” Don’t you hate it when somebody says that you look exactly like so and so. Every time you see him, “Oh, you look just like so and so.” Then you finally meet “so and so.” Ugliest son of a bitch you’ve ever seen your entire life. You’re, like, “Dadgum, I look exactly like that idiot.” Makes me madder than Ronny Milsap in a corn maze.
I tell you what, it’s irritating. That happened to me last week. This made me madder than a hunchback in a hailstorm. I go out there. The hailstorm– I go out there. There’s a hunchback in a hailstorm. So… So I go out to eat at this diner, I’m starvin’ and this waitress comes and asks “What do you wanna eat?” I said, “What’s wrong?” She goes, “You look just like the cook.” I go, “Get the hell outta here.” [laughs] She goes, “No, you could be his twin brother. I ain’t kiddin’.” “Well, let me see him.” He comes out. “What the hell!” Ugliest mongoloid I’ve ever seen my entire life. I ain’t kiddin’ with you. You should’ve seen. Looked like they’d been cleaning a grill with his face for ten years. Biggest head I’ve ever seen. You oughta seen his head. His driver’s license was an eyebrow. I ain’t makin’ that up. Unbelievable. And I looked identical to him. It pissed me off. Just with a littler head. She’s like, “What do you wanna eat? It’s on the house.” “I lost my appetite, all right? Maybe some eggs with some arsenic would be good right now.” Pissed me off. This irritated me too the other day. Made me madder than a fat guy in a porta-potty with little arms trying to wipe his ass crack, I’ll tell you what. So I go to this– I go to PetSmart to get some dog food for my dog. And I buy the dog food and then the girl goes, “You wanna give an extra $20 to help feed the starving animals?” What the hell do you think I’m doing now? What, am I sprinkling this on my Corn Flakes or somethin’? What a bunch of idiots! She goes, “You look familiar.” I go, “I’m a comedian.” She goes, “No, that ain’t it.” She goes… [gasps] “You’re that cook at the diner I seen last week.” Pissed me off.
Heck of a week. I come back from Las Vegas, I stayed at the Bellagio hotel. You’ve ever stayed at the Bellagio hotel out there? Yeah. Here’s what I hate about them fancy hotels. I hate the toilets. They got newfangled environmental toilets that flush right when you stand up. You ever seen that? I go in there, do my business, stand up… gone. Pissed me off. Didn’t have time to take a picture. Nothing. All right. Here I’m sittin’ on a world record. Now I can’t get no proof on the daggone thing. I mean, seriously, technology is screwing me out everything. The maid embarrassed me. She walked in on me naked at 3:00 in the morning. What the hell is a maid doing in an elevator at 3:00 in the morning? All right, seriously. Every time I go to Las Vegas, there’s always a buddy of mine, “You goin’ to Las Vegas?” “Yeah. Why?” “Here. Here’s $300 dollars. Gamble it for me.” “All right.” [laughs] Called me up two days later. “How am I doin’?” “You lost everything. All right. I apologize.” “How are you doing?” “I’m up $300. I’m doin’ all right here. Tell you what. I’ll be here another two days. Send me a thousand dollars. I’ll gamble it for you.” Not a good gambler. My wife’s pretty good at Craps. She wins a lot ’cause she plays topless and nobody’s ever looking at the dice. Oh, this’ll piss you off. This is what America’s come to. Did you know this? You can actually now get kicked out of a casino for poopin’ on a Craps table? Man, we’re losing a lot of freedoms in this country. It’s decadent out there in Las Vegas. First time I was there in 1991, I was gettin’ something to eat at 7-Eleven, I leave, some girl picked me up out of nowhere. We go to the room. She get all naked on me. Turned the lights out. I’m like, “What the hell?” Need to be safe, I grabbed a condom there. Here’s one of those fancy ones, lubricated on the inside. Sumbitch barely fit me. Turns out I put on a Slim Jim wrapper. What the hell? Nine months later, she gave birth to a little smokey. [laughs] Wa-wa-wa-wa… They say what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Not no more. What happens in Vegas goes right to the iPhone, see it, straight to the Internet, the YouTube, for slow motion instant replay your stupid self. Better come home, “Hey, honey, how’s Vegas?” “It sucked. Didn’t get to do nothing.” “What do you mean?” “Didn’t do nothing. Stayed in my hotel room the whole time.” “You didn’t do nothing?” “No why?” “You’re on the Internet right now pooping on a Craps table. All right? Bullshit.”
Cell phones are gonna ruin everybody’s lives. I’m sick of cell phones. Everybody’s got dadgum cell phones. They got ’em in prison now. Prisoners got cell phones. Did you know? You know how they get them in there? They smuggle ’em in by… shovin’ them up their hind end. You think you got a shitty reception. “Hey, bend over. Can you hear me now?” [fart noise] “What did he say?” “Somethin’ about Thursday.” It’s irritating. Everybody got a cell phone. I got a midget buddy. Everywhere he goes, he does selfies on a stick. Seen that? He always walks around, “Let me take a selfie.” Let me ask. If a midget takes a selfie, would that be an “elfie”? And that’s why I’m goin’ second. Right there. That’s why. That’s material, right there. Here’s the thing that’s irritating to a lot of people. Fellas take pictures of their private parts and send it to girlfriends or wives. That’s stupid. It’s gonna wind up on the Internet, ’cause it goes up into cyber space in a million wiener pieces and people grab ’em wiener pieces. Put it on the Internet. Somebody actually released a naked picture of me on the Internet last year. The weird thing was, though, it’d come from one of them overhead traffic cameras. I must’ve been on a late night Arby’s run.
I ain’t sure what the hell’s goin’ on. Lot of drinking going on in Vegas. I’m not a big drinker. I think the drunkest I’ve ever been in my whole life was Cinco de Mayo– Last year, August 16th. And, uh, I tell you what… One thing I don’t do though, is drink and drive. Very well. I’ve never done that well my whole life. You don’t wanna get caught drinking and driving. If you’re a celebrity, you’d make news. I remember the Cake Boss. Buddy Valastro got a DUI. Can you imagine the Cake Boss in jail? I wonder if he took it in the bundt. Took it in a bundt. Start the bus. Had a buddy of mine retiring from the military. We took him to Las Vegas. He got hammered one night. Picked up a redhead transvestite. I tried to stop him. I’m like, “Don’t do it. You don’t know–” Too late. He’d done it. Next morning, I see him hunched out on a bench. I’m, like, “Hey, how’d that work out for you last night?” He said, “It was weird. Not only did the drapes match the carpet, but I think I seen a curtain rod in there.” I loved the military. I was in Fort Benning, Georgia, here not long ago. [crowd whistles] Weird though. They didn’t want me to perform. They just wanted me to show up, show the troops what they used to look like before they went to boot camp. That’s why I went down there.
I gotta lose some weight. [chuckles] My tapeworm had a heart attack last week. It ain’t funny. You know you gotta lose weight when you can use the back of your neck as a travel pillow. Ain’t my fault I gained a little weight. Foxworthy’s fault. All them dadgum Golden Corral commercials he does all the time. Pissed me off. And I love that Golden Corral. You’ve ever been to that buffet in there? Oh, good heavens, my toilet had to take a knee one night after I went in. That’s something else. Oh, dadgum. I could’ve pooped through a keyhole at 50 yards after I was in there. Dadgum thing. I love Golden Corral. These health food– Food police don’t like you eating in there either. They make up stories to keep you out– This irritated me. The other day, I’m on the Internet, there’s an icon there that says “Click on this. You’ll never eat at the Golden Corral again.” I’m like, “What’s this bullshit?” I click on it, it was me.
I love that Golden Corral. I ate there last week so many times Chris Christie started following me on Twitter. All right. I like how they, I like how they have the sneeze guard on the buffet. They say that’s for your health. If they really cared about our health, they’d have an electric fence around the buffet in there. I know what that sneeze guard is. It’s to force the fat folks to get some exercise while they’re in there. ‘Cause they put all the good stuff toward the back of them sneeze guards. So the fat folks gotta do squats and stretches when they go down that buffet, down there. “Yeah, let me get that pudding, I like that pudding. Let me get them tater tots, I like ’em tater tots.” That’s right. Decent size fat fella can get three sets of 15 reps in there if he works hard enough. I seen a couple get married at the Golden Corral. I still remember the preacher, “I now pronounce you two freakin’ losers.” I was at the world’s largest Golden Corral in Branson, Missouri, you ever been to Branson? I like Branson. It’s fun.
They got a lot of old folks down there, though. Good heavens, they had a show down there called Shake, Rattle and Roll. Turned out to be the audience trying to get to their seats. It’s bad, I performed down there. I made an old woman laugh so hard milk of magnesia come out of her nose. All right, I ain’t kidding– They got a lot of storms down there that crop up. It’s crazy, I was down there one year with my wife and my kids, and my brother and my sister-in-law… biggest, sumbitch you ever seen in your whole life. And about 270 pounds, four-foot-six. And, everywhere we went she was dressed in full camo, everywhere we went, looked like we was walking with a couple of acres. You know, everywhere I went down there. You know, some people got their name on their belt, she had everybody’s name on her belt. All right? She’s a big one. We were down there, all of a sudden, out of nowhere, this tornado crops up, so the police car driving down the street with a megaphone is going, “Funnel cloud! Funnel cloud!” So we hauled out. She stayed out there. She thought they was yelling, “Funnel cake! Funnel cake!” She got hit dead on with a tornado, didn’t even budge her. She’s bawling, and I’m like, “What’s wrong, you hurt?” Turns out she’s pissed off ’cause the tornado blowed all the powder sugar off her funnel cake she had right there.
Did a bunch with my kids, took them to the zoo down there. Pretty good zoo, I like zoos. You like zoos? I like good zoos. Have you been to a bad zoo with just regular critters? You know, like a bunny and a skunk, and goat, and a cow, you know? Crippled deer or whatever. Rhinoceros… is just some fat kid with a chocolate-covered banana strapped to his forehead. Which by the way is the worst job I ever had in my entire life. By the way, let me say that. Every time I go to the zoo all the good animals I wanna see are sleeping already. What the hell? It’s like Cosby got there 20 minutes before I did. What? Oh, come on. That’s funny, I don’t care who you are. Come on now, hey, I told that joke at the zoo and the hyenas laughed their ass off of that, all right. Weirdest thing I ever seen at the zoo was a bunch of penguins and nuns staring at each other.
Took my wife and kids to the Wisconsin Dells to the water park up there. That’s right, you ever been to a water park? For all of y’all who ain’t been to a water park, picture everybody at Walmart with bathing suits on, all right. What the hell. That’s where I found out a wiener twister wasn’t a snack stand at the water park. Boy, they got some fast rides. They had one ride 70 miles an hour. You get up there… straight down… halfway down somebody’s under britches and swim trunks went flying by my head and I thought, that poor guy. They were mine. Aah! That’s one thing about a water park, nobody goes home with a dirty butt hole. I’ll guarantee you that much, right there. That’s right, it’ll clean you out good. Next time you can’t afford a water park just stand naked in front of a floor mirror and shoot your water pick up your hind end, all right? It’ll have the same effect.
Almost got beat up at the water park. You believe that? I almost got beat up at the water park. I’m standing in line to get on this one water ride, there’s a dude clutching on this big ass inner-tube. I said, “Hey, where’d you get that inner-tube?” He said, “What?” I said, “That big ass inner-tube you got there.” He said, “That’s my wife, you son of a bitch.” [whispers] Sorry, I’m sorry. They got indoor water parks up there ’cause it’s so damn cold. What the hell? I know it’s cold here, you’ve been to Northern Wisconsin this summer? You know how long their summer lasts? Forty-eight minutes. All right, I ain’t kidding with you. I was just up there, I ain’t kidding with you. You could have played “this little piggy” with my nipples when I was up there. My wiener was like a bear, it went into hibernation for three days. I ain’t kidding, I could have flashed a cop and not gotten in trouble. I’m not kidding with you. You should have seen it, looked like a helmet sitting on shrubbery. If you looked real good at it. I wish my nipples and this would get together– My nipples love cold weather, my wiener hates it. I mean, it’s cold, they’re like, “Yes!” You know, he’s like– He sucked up in there. It’s embarrassing, I went to moon my cousin, looked like I was pooping a mushroom, all right, I’m not kidding with you. Don’t laugh at that, that’s not even funny. I don’t even know why you’re laughing at that. Flippin’ freezin’ there. Remember I was there, the bed bugs at the hotel called the front desk and requested extra blankets. I couldn’t believe it.
I hate cold weather. I live in Nebraska, you talk cold, you know how cold it was at Thanksgiving in Nebraska? This a true story, there’s a knock on my door, 6:00 in the morning. It was a turkey wanting to borrow my deep fryer. All right, I ain’t kidding with you. It was freezing, my dog licked himself and got his tongue stuck. It was freezing, I had to wipe with an ice scraper. [laughs] All right, they’re not all funny but they’re in a row. All right, how’s that, so? I’m going for quantity, not quality here this evening. I like warm weather, that’s what I like. Bring on that global warming, that’s what I say. People getting nuts over that. Don’t they? “Man caused global– We need to do something about the way we livin’. We heating up the Earth,” “Oh, shut up.” “Well, you seen what happened in Washington D.C.? Twenty-seven inches of snow, explain that.” “All right, February, how’s that?” I ain’t Nostradamus, but I have a thing, I have a guess what’s gonna happen in July, too. Hot! All right. It’s gonna be hot in July. It’s stupid. I got a buddy of mine. “You go ahead and laugh. The Earth’s heated up seven-tenths of a degree in the last hundred years.” Well, what the hell? Go home and stab yourself in the face then, end it. Just end it if it’s that bad. How many people have ever gone outside in 100-degree weather and said, “Boy, I’ll tell you what. It feels three-quarters of a degree hotter out here this year than last year. There’s something going on in it.” I like that warm weather. I don’t like humidity, though, I lived in Florida for a long time and you get to sticking down there, good night. I had to shoot baby powder up there about every three minutes. I was down there in Florida, my mom had to make me a pair of boxer shorts out of a ShamWow when I was down there, I couldn’t believe it. It was so hot in Florida one time, my grandpa replaced his hemorrhoidal suppositories with Dilly bars. [laughs] Dilly bars. This show should have been 300 bucks a piece. All right, I’m telling you right now, that’s a 300-dollar joke right there.
It’s hot in Florida in the summer. I remember in August one time, I had a buddy of mine about 420 pounds, he’s leaving a Target with a little plastic kiddie pool. I said, “You ain’t gonna fit in that to be cool.” He said, “No, the game’s on, that’s for bean dip.” I shouldn’t talk about fat folks, though, I got my own problems. I started losing me some weight two weeks ago ’cause I had a tragic event happen to me. Kicked my butt in gear and it sucks when you have to have a tragic event to make fat folk lose weight. For a lot of people it’s hard to tackle diabetes and then they– Let me tell you what happened two weeks ago. For the first time in my life, I had to show my titties to get out of a ticket. But I did see something that did change my life, I was reading an article the other day and it said, “Carbohydrates is the fastest way to the grave.” And I told my wife, right then after I read it. I said, “Sweetheart, mark this down on the calendar, right now, from now on, done. I’m not reading nothin’.” All right? I ain’t read nothin’ since. My wife has me on a diet now she come up with, called, “We’re not having sex till you lose weight diet.” That’s what she had me on. This is my impression of my wife when we’re making love. [muffled murmuring] I’ve tried a lot of stuff, tried a dietitian. They’re taking your money. I go see a dietitian, you know what he says? “Larry, you need to eat six times a day.” I do that now! If I eat one more time a day, you’re gonna see me at Walmart on a scooter wearing pajama jeans. All right, that’s ridiculous.
Went to see a trainer. The trainer says to me, “How many pushups can you do?” I say, “I don’t know, regular or girl pushups?” He says, “Either one of ’em.” I said, “Neither one of ’em. All right, I can’t do either one of them.” I was on Nutrisystem in 2005, remember my Nutrisystem commercials? That’s right. I think they’re probably pretty pissed off at me about right now. [laughs] I’m bad for business I guess. I’m the only guy who’s ever gone from Nutrisystem commercials to heartburn medication, right here on stage. [laughs] I’m five pounds away from a sleep apnea contract. What the hell? No, look, Nutrisystem worked for ’em. I didn’t do it right. I didn’t know you weren’t supposed to eat the packaging. All right, that’s my problem there. Prilosec OTC, God love ’em. They ain’t the first– First people who ever wanted me to do a commercial was 2003, Blue Collar TV. You know how they promote alternate fuels to be used. In 2003, they wanted me to test drive a truck. A pretty good-looking truck that ran on human waste. That’s true, I drove it for three days. What a piece of crap. Three days, no pun intended. I go to the Taco Bell drive through in that deal, flooded the engine, when I went through that deal. You believe that? It was embarrassing. It was embarrassing. A buddy of mine had to come down there, give me a jump fart when I was down there at the drive-through. If you can find another comedian in the country with a punch line of “jump fart,” I will kiss your hind end right now in front of everybody. ‘Cause you’re never gonna find that. That’s right, that’s the kind of humor that gets the Grammy nominations right there.
I like to hunt. I know there’s a lot of hunters up here. And… when I hunt, I do it a little different than most people. When I hunt, I dress all in orange from head to toe. And I hunt down by the Interstate. That way the deer just think I’m a prisoner picking up trash out there. For y’all that don’t hunt, did you know this, did you know a deer gets a new rack every year? Just like the Kardashians? Did you know that’s true right there? Had a buddy of mine, got in trouble. He was hunting, he called me up says, “I’m in jail.” I say, “What’s wrong.” He says, “I don’t know, the game warden put me in jail. It’s ridiculous.” I said, “What’d you do?” He says, “Nothing. I shot two wild turkeys, he put me in jail.” “He can’t do it just–” “No, I shot two wild turkeys. He put me in jail. He’s a communist.” I wanna go down, see what happened. I go down there about to raise a fuss. Turns out he did two shots of Wild Turkey and accidentally shot the game warden. All right, that’s what happened. And his cousin was in a car accident, his face is all disfigured. And he told me the other day, “I’m the ugliest man in the world. I just wanna kill myself.” I said, “Come on now, you ain’t…” so I wanted to cheer him up, so… I run him up to Walmart for a few hours. It worked, turns out he’s the 37th ugliest man in the world. There’s some ugly folks in my Walmart. Remember that website, the People of Walmart, remember that? I always thought that was hilarious. ‘Till I wound up on a site last year. Pissed me off. The one time a year I go to Walmart shopping wearing that pink unitard, they’re snapping pictures in there for the damned deal. I shouldn’t say there’s fat, big folks in my Walmart, but I will say this, yesterday the Junior Miss department just put in a potato bar, all right. I’ll say that much. They got some crazy shoppers.
You wanna see some crazy shoppers? Have yourself a daggone garage sale. I had one garage sale, never again. Woman comes up, she goes, “Boy I like these boots. You got these in a size six?” “No, let me run in the back and check my inventory on these boots, all right.” And you never seen more cheap folks in your life than at a garage sale. Guy comes up and he says, “How much is this?” I go, “A dollar.” He goes, “Does it work?” It’s a dollar. What the hell, “Do you work?” What the hell? Here’s the guy that really pisses you off. This guy. “How much is this?” “Fifty cents.” “I’ll give you a quarter.” “I’ll give you a dime to get the hell off my property, all right.” I swear, you could put a ten dollar bill on the table, somebody offer you a 75 cents for that ten dollar bill.
Here’s one thing I learned about a garage sale. Never invite your relatives, they’ll see all the gifts they got you the last 25 years up there at that table. “Hey, is that watch I got you last year?” “No, that watch you got me, I keep in the safe deposit box at the bank. Are you kidding me? You know, lot of people don’t got a Casio watch with a calculator on it no more. Another 5000 years, that’ll be worth two, 300 dollars. That’s somethin else.” People are nuts when it comes to shopping. I remember one time I had a couch I couldn’t get rid of so I put that on the curb, said, “Free to take.” Dadgum thing sat there ten days. So when I put a sign on it, “For sale, 2500 dollars” Dadgum thing got stolen that night. I hate shopping, especially the grocery store. I always get recognized up there. I went up two weeks ago. Took two hours to get the hell out. Caused a commotion. My wife says to me the other day, “Hey, let’s go up to the grocery store.” “I don’t wanna go. I wanna stay home.” “Oh, come on, go to the grocery store with me.” “I don’t wanna go to the grocery store.” “Oh, you think you’re gonna get recognized? You think you’re so freak–” “All right, I’ll go to the–” Sure enough, as soon as I walk in, there’s the bag boy. “Hey, there’s that guy that was playing with himself in the produce department two weeks ago.” “I told you I didn’t wanna come in, what the hell? Told you, idiot. I didn’t wanna come in here.” I read an article in the paper the other day. Said old folks are sexually active all the way in their mid-90s. Ugh… What the hell? I couldn’t finish the article, though, it had vomit on it. Then I read this other thing, said they’re handing out free condoms to the old folks at the villages in Florida. The retirement community ’cause they’re rampant with sexual diseases and pregnancies. Never thought I’d see the day they handing out condoms to 90-year-old men, what the hell? I’ve seen my grandpa naked once, you’d think that’d be all the birth control you need. Right there, daggone it. “Grandpa, put some pants on, what the hell? Looks like a Slim Jim went through the dishwasher. That’s ridiculous. What the hell’s wrong with you?” What the hell? He’s pretty active, he’s dating this girl, she’s 87 years old. They came over to the house the other day, we was eating dinner, he goes, “You think she’s hot?” “Oh, yeah, I think she is now, Grandpa. Her face has been in the soup for ten minutes.”
I shouldn’t make fun of old folks, I’ll be old one day. Sucks getting old, I’ll tell you what. You know you’re getting old when you sneeze and you poop a little. You know what I mean? That’s when you’re getting old. Bend down to tie your shoes and you poop a little, then you know you done. It’s almost like when you get old, the only time you can’t poop is when you’re trying to poop. Gotta go to the doctor all the time, I hate going to the doctor. I was at the doctor last time, I seen the craziest thing. A girl that walked in there, biggest woman I ever seen, she walked in there. “My stomach, oh, my stomach. What the hell is wrong with my stomach?” Turns out she’s pregnant, doesn’t even know it. Let me ask you something, how fat you gotta be to not realize you got a human being living inside your body? I mean, what the hell? I go to Taco Bell, I feel like I’m about to have triplets two hours later, all right. I’m not kidding, I actually went breech on a Chalupa three weeks ago. I really did, I really did. The doctor finally told her as she walked in there, “Oh, it’s colitis.” “Well, I don’t care what you name it, but it’s a boy.” All right, that’s right. I tell you what keeps me young though is my wife. My wife… growed up on a… 3500-acre Black Angus cattle ranch, Northern Wisconsin. And… You can never tell in a million years that my wife grew up on a cattle ranch by looking at her, ’cause she’s got a pig face. And… I’m kidding. Hey, my wife’s hot, all right. Anyway, she will be if she finds out about that joke I did on television. Now, I wouldn’t say that if she wasn’t good looking– My wife’s hot, I made love to my wife, this is how hot she is– First of all, she was eating a banana the other day, the banana kept getting bigger. But, that’s beside the point. I made love to my wife a record hour and four minutes. So there you go. That’s right, ‘course it was at Daylight Savings Time but, let me just say this, all right. Let me just say this… [muttering] Hey, but still that’s two hours more than normal. All right, there you go. My wife’s 14 years younger than me. Oh, boy, I will never forget when she told me her age the first time. I almost chocked on my pizza and dropped my game tokens. Let me tell you the one bad thing about being married to somebody younger than you. Nothing. All right. Not a thing. That’s right. Sometimes, sex gets a little weird. ‘Cause she’s younger, you know. “Slow down a little bit. Come on now, this ain’t a prison visit. Slow down there.” She always wants to try something new. “Where should we make love at tonight?” “I don’t care, as long as I’m on a heating pad. All right, that’s all I care about.”
We got our anniversary coming up, our 11-year. Last year, July 3rd, was our ten-year, you have to go to the gift chart to see what to get her. You know how they got the anniversary gift chart, you know, 25 silver, 50 gold. You know, that whole deal. So, I think they ought to add some kind of a sexual component to that gift chart. You know, the more sex you have the better the gift is every year. I think that’s a good incentive program right there. “Hey, sweetheart, it’s our 11-year anniversary comin’ up next week. I’m gonna get you something, let me look at the gift chart. So, 11 years, all right. Had sex three times this year. Hey, look at that. You get the walkie-talkies. Look at that. That’s nice. That’s right, or you can have anything on the bottom shelf there, too. That’s pretty good, too. I like that. I like that John Fogerty mirror, that’s a nice mirror right there. Can have that. Some Blackhawk slippers, them’s nice. You don’t see a lot of Blackhawk slippers like that.” Seventy-five years is diamonds. A little old for diamonds at that point. Hey, Grandma, them earrings go good with the pudding on your chin. My wife’s birthday, she wanted a facial. Went to one of them fancy hotels, got her one of ’em spa visits. I go in there, she got cucumber slices on her face. I’m like, “What the hell?” She goes, “That takes the wrinkles out of your eyes.” “No kidding, cucumber slices? What did they do with the rest of the cucumber?” Well, evidently, that’s another 100 dollars.
You know what I got my wife last Mother’s Day? Stripper pole. Had it installed in the bedroom. When she come home, she seen it, Git-R-Done. And then for Father’s Day… she gave me a ride up to the hospital to get that pole removed from my hind end.
You guys been awesome, thank you so much, Minnesota. Thank you, we loved comin’ up here, Git-R-Done. I’m gonna bring Jeff Foxworthy back out, everybody. Jeff Foxworthy! There he is. Larry. Take care, y’all, thank you. Git-R-Done! Thanks, y’all. God bless you, be safe. Oh! That’s Minnesota-cold, buddy. Chilly. Oh, man. I’m glad I wore the sleeves.
