I’m funnier than he is, but they told me to introduce him. Here’s Jeff Dunham!
[upbeat rock music]
♪ ♪
Well, welcome to my Valentine’s Day special and…
[cheers and applause]
There are at least two things in this world that I know are completely universal. We all need love and laughter. Audrey and I have now been married for 11 and 1/2 years, and I, I am the luckiest man on the planet. I say that every single day. Yeah, and– But now the world turns, and I have twin boys, Jack and James. They are eight years of age.
[cheers and applause]
Yeah, thanks. But you know, with the kids, you never know what you’re going to get. There’s some DNA mixed in with how you raise them. No matter what you do, they could turn out to be little shits anyway, so. But at age eight, all kids are sponges. You know, they hear stuff, and they repeat it whether they should or not. And if I had known earlier in life than later in life I was gonna have more kids, I might not have said some of the things I did in some of my stand-up specials. There’s a couple of specials where Peanut imitates porno music. And I’m not kidding, I don’t know how many times I’ve caught James walking through the house all by himself, and he’s going ♪ boom, chicka, wow, wow ♪
And you know I’m gonna get that call from school. “Mr. Dunham, James has been imitating pornographic music.” I’m like, “oh, yeah, he got that from his mom. I have no idea where that came from, so.” Speaking of love, are you guys ready for the little people in the boxes?
[cheers and applause]
All right. In classical mythology, Cupid is the god of desire, erotic love, attraction, and affection. So ladies and gentlemen, please help me welcome Cupid.
[upbeat rock music]
♪ ♪
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
Shut the hell up. [mocking laughter] You know how much I hate you right now.
Hello, Cupid.
I’m Walter, damn it.
Yeah, but tonight you’re supposed to be Cupid.
I’d rather be working at Walmart.
[chuckles] Just play along.
[mockingly] Just play along.
So Valentine’s Day is a busy time for you, isn’t it, Cupid?
This qualifies as elder abuse.
It looks like you’re ready to get to work for Valentine’s Day. Are you feeling OK?
No, I’m half naked and my nipples are chapped. And what kind of costume is wings and Depends? These lights are too bright. Put my sunglasses on.
You want sunglasses?
Put on the damn sunglasses. It’s too bright out here. Whatever, just put ’em on me. Oh, you’re gonna blind me. What the hell is wrong with you?
There.
Oh, ah, much better.
[cheers and applause]
Look, Ray-Bans and Depends. I’m Joe Biden! [cackling laugh] I’m president and I can’t get up.
Will you stop? Walter–
Ah, come on. Folks say I look like him all the time.
Yeah, they do.
Yeah, they’re like, “are you Joe Biden?” I wouldn’t want to disappoint them, so I say, “I don’t know,” and they believe me!
I’m taking these off.
Well, that was easy.
So as Cupid, your job is to go around shooting arrows into people’s hearts, which then makes them fall in love, right?
Yeah, yeah. Love, lust, whatever you want to call it.
Oh. So what’s the difference between love and lust?
50 bucks. Less in certain parts of Florida.
Oh. Yeah, and why do you shoot arrows?
I don’t know, TSA took my Glock. How about that? [grumbles]
Let’s talk about relationships.
Oh, I am an expert on that.
OK. So how should a man approach a woman he’s attracted to?
From the rear.
No.
And with the size of some of the asses these days, that could be considered a long distance relationship.
So, Cupid, aren’t greeting cards a good way of expressing your love for someone?
Oh, sure, yeah, greeting cards are good for anybody. In fact, I’ve written a few myself.
Some greeting cards? Can you recite a couple for us?
Sure.
Do you have one for longtime married couples?
Oh, absolutely. Here we go. [clears throat] “Our love all these years has been a blissful occurrence. I wish you would die so I could collect the insurance.”
No.
OK. How about one for younger couples?
Younger couples, great.
OK. “Meeting you was amazing luck, and I think of that most each time that we–“
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
“Have dinner.” What did you think I was gonna say? You’re a bad man.
So how is your love life?
Oh, you mean me as Walter and– and with the wife?
Yeah.
Well, things are different at our age.
I’m sure.
Yeah. We’re actually kinkier now.
OK, I don’t want to hear about it.
Yeah, now she offers me the choice: teeth in or teeth out. Trust me, you’ll see.
OK. Well, I’m glad you’re happy.
I didn’t say that.
Do you ever tell your wife that you love her?
Of course I do.
How often do you tell her?
Once.
A day?
A year.
Well, that’s not very much.
It adds up.
I guess you tell her on Valentine’s Day?
No.
Mother’s Day?
No.
Christmas?
April Fools. I’m kidding.
Good.
Yeah, I tell her every February 29th.
Let’s talk about romance.
Oh, great.
All right. Just some simple things. Do you and your wife ever watch movies together?
Yeah, she wants to watch our wedding movies.
That’s nice.
I can’t do it.
Why not?
I know what happens next.
So when you proposed, did you get down on one knee?
Yeah, I had to. I didn’t want to look her in the eye. Say, I got a joke-joke for you. What does Disney World have in common with Viagra?
I don’t know, what?
An hour-long wait for a two-minute ride.
You’re not gonna start telling joke-jokes now, are you?
Oh, sure. I’ll do some wife jokes and get you canceled.
Walter–
Hang on, hang on. My wife is so ugly. crowd: How ugly is she?
She sat on her iPhone and it unlocked. That’s butt ugly.
We got it.
OK. Calm down, though, it’s not one sided.
How’s that?
Every Valentine’s Day, she gets me sweetheart candies with sayings on them.
Oh, like “be mine”?
No, no. “Do not resuscitate.” I will say, though, we did go to a marriage counselor one time.
You did?
Oh, yeah. He said I should take my wife out and treat her like I did on our first date.
Sounds like a good idea.
Yeah. So I took her to dinner, felt her up, then dropped her off at her parents’ house.
But despite that kind of stuff, the love life is OK?
Yeah, we do our best. We tried role playing with a little French maid outfit.
Ooh, how’d that go?
Uh, she said it was too tight.
Ah.
And my accent was bad. See, I put the maid outfit on.
They got it.
And then I had her put it on.
OK.
Not because it was sexy. I thought she might…
Walter.
Finally…
Walter.
Do some…
Walter.
Fucking housework.
Walter! You really are trying to get me canceled.
No, I’m trying to get my fucking house cleaned.
Please! Say good night, Walter.
Thanks, Tampa Bay!
Thanks, Walter.
[cheers and applause]
This next guy is from somewhere down south in the US. Please help me welcome Bubba J.
[upbeat rock music]
[cheers and applause]
[chortles]
How you doing Bubba J?
I’m doing purdy good!
So what’s been going on with you lately?
Well, last week I went to my best friend’s wedding.
That’s nice.
Yeah. It was a combination wedding and gender reveal party.
Oh.
Yeah. He was very happy to find out that she really was a woman. Yeah, always a nail-biter, right, guys?
And how’s your family?
They’re all good.
Yeah, and, uh, what’s your wife’s name?
Uh…
Bubba J?
Oh, no, that’s my name.
But she’s doing well?
Yeah, she’s great.
You two have a lot in common, don’t you?
Yeah, we’re made for each other.
I bet.
Yeah, you know, we both got the exact same results in our DNA tests.
Bubba J, how can you be so smart on one hand, and so stupid on the other?
Well, you’re half of it.
Well, you know, Bubba J, during the show tonight we’ve been talking about that romantic day in February.
Yeah, Groundhog Day.
No, it’s a romantic day.
Romantic?
Yeah, February 14th is the day for lovers.
Oh. [chortles] Lovers. You mean the day you watch the no-no channels?
The no-no channels?
Yes. Like, “no-no, you’re not doing that to me.”
No.
No, not “no.” It’s no-no. [giggling]
I’m talking about romance.
So am I.
Do you and your wife ever watch actual sweet romantic movies?
Like what?
You know, things like where the guy gets the girl.
Oh, yeah, like Freddy Krueger? Oh, yeah, yeah.
No.
I don’t know.
Come on, what first attracted you to your wife?
Well, she’s really hot.
OK.
Yeah. And she’s really big.
Oh.
Yeah, so it was gravity.
Yeah–oh.
Yeah, if she spins around too fast, she’ll suck you right in.
And how’s the romance between you two?
Oh, it’s purdy good.
Yeah?
Yeah. In fact, one of your little boys taught me something.
What’s that?
♪ Boom, chicka, wow, wow ♪
So when you proposed, did you ask her father for her hand in marriage?
I sure did. I called him up and I go, “hey, Uncle Phil, it’s me, Bubba J.” And you know our wedding was half the cost of the average wedding.
How’s that?
Huh! Just one family. Yeah, the whole left side of the church was empty.
Oh. [chuckles] You ever go out with your wife for a romantic evening and whisper sweet nothings in her ear?
What’s a sweet nothing? Oh, I know. [whispering] Diet Coke.
No, sweet nothings are just flattering things that you say softly to someone you love.
Oh, yeah, like, [whispering] “you’re as hot as your mother.” Hey, hey! He thinks this crap up, not me. My wife is beautiful, though.
That’s very sweet. And what makes her beautiful?
Six beers.
No.
OK, less if the light is dim.
All right. [laughs] And how dim should it be for you to look good to her?
[chortles] Total frickin’ darkness.
How’s the rest of your family doing?
They’re good.
How’s your sister?
She just got married.
Oh, really? So she got hit by Cupid’s arrow.
[chuckles] No. Our yard guy needed citizenship.
That’s not right.
You think they’ll leave that joke in your show?
I– I doubt it.
Olé!
All right. So I know your birthday is coming up. You’re gonna get a little TLC?
[chortles] Jeff, it’s spelled KFC. You should come over next weekend. I’m barbecuing a turkey.
Oh, you love doing that, don’t you?
Yeah, and we may or may not
Yeah, and we may or may not have some skinny dipping going on.
Really?
Oh, yeah.
[gurgling]
♪ Boom, chicka, wow, wow ♪
[chuckles] What? Bubba J, where did you learn to talk like that?
Oh, you drink as much as I do, you fucking learn.
All right. So, Bubba J, how about your favorite part of the show?
OK, great. This is the part where you get to hear what I think about stuff after I’ve had one too many. Or maybe five, or eight, or the whole keg.
All right.
Yeah.
All right.
So welcome to the Valentine’s edition of Bubba J’s Drinkin’ and Thinkin’.
[pensive piano music]
♪ ♪
Oh, I like the music.
Yeah.
Yeah, puts me in the mood.
Oh, mood for what?
[gurgling]
♪ Boom, chicka, wow, wow ♪
Just go.
OK. Drinkin’ and Thinkin’. For Valentine’s Day, my wife said she wanted her favorite flower. So I gave her Bisquick.
♪ ♪
The first time someone wished me “happy VD,” I thought, “how the hell did they know?” When a woman says that I must love her from afar, what that really means is that she filed a restraining order. One-night stands make me feel empty.
Yeah.
Which means it went great.
I’m sorry.
Guys, never get involved with a farm animal.
What?
I know, I know. Moo means moo. When a woman asks you if you know the quickest way to her heart, don’t do what I did and stick your head between her tatas. That was the worst ever birthday for Grandma.
[crowd groans]
Oh, too far? Yeah, too far?
Too far.
Yeah. [gurgling] Oh, wait, it’s Grandma. [gurgling]
Say goodnight, Bubba J.
Happy Valentines, Tampa!
[cheering]
He’s purple, he’s wacky.
[cheers and applause]
Please help me welcome my buddy, Peanut!
[upbeat rock music]
♪ ♪
[cheers and applause]
[laughing]
How are you doing, Peanut?
Doing pretty good. How about you?
I’m fine.
That’s good, that’s good, that’s good! [cackles] Ha-ha!
Cut it out.
♪ I’m a little asshole, short and stout ♪
♪ This is my handle, I can’t show you my spout ♪
[cackles] Ha-ha!
Stop it! Peanut!
Jeff-fa-fa!
Do you know why we’re here?
I do.
We’ve been talking about Valentine’s Day.
I have been listening, and you have finally come to the right guy to talk about romance, my man.
You?
Yes, me. For example: that is not just a suitcase you got me out of.
No?
No! That, my friend, is where I take the ladies.
What?
That is the Luggage of Love.
The luggage?
Of Love. And you know it by the music.
The music?
Yeah.
♪ Boom, chicka, wow, wow ♪
Peanut, no one but you can fit inside that suitcase.
Oh, you’d be surprised.
Maybe just and José Jalapeño.
[crowd whooping]
On a stick. [chuckles]
OK, don’t be gross. I refuse to allow a stick in my box. I-I just said that out loud, didn’t I?
Yeah, you did.
Yeah. Well, I meant it. Both ways.
All right. [chuckles] Have you been on any dates lately?
Well, I think about it a lot.
You think about going on dates?
Yeah, I do. I try and figure out how to make it happen without you being there too!
Right.
It’s not easy. I just seem to lay there.
[chuckles]
It’s not funny! It’s like my own “Toy Story” hell. And no Woody.
[laughs] Wha–
Maybe a little Buzz.
All right. [laughs]
But I’m looking good, right, ladies?
[crowd hollering]
That is Fifty Shades of Purple right there.
♪ Boom, chicka, wow, wow ♪
Look, Valentine’s Day. It’s the holiday of love.
It is about love, isn’t it?
Of course. And who is that extra special person in your life right now?
Well.
Is there someone?
[sniffles] No.
[crowd groans sympathetically]
[whimpers]
[sympathetic groans, laughter]
[high-pitched] Thank you.
I’m really sorry.
I know. But look at you.
Yeah.
And Walter. And Bubba J. You all have someone.
You know, maybe José could help you.
Help me what?
Find a date.
[laughs] Wait, you’re serious?
Well, I’ve heard–
You’ve heard what?
He’s Latin.
So?
You know, a Latin lover.
On a stick?
Why don’t we ask him?
Oh, no.
Ladies and gentlemen, please help me welcome José Jalapeño on a Stick.
[cheers and applause]
Good evening, José.
Buenas noches, Señor Jeff. And others.
He’s not, uh, happy with me right now.
We are not speaking.
Why not?
Don’t worry about it.
He ate my cousin Julio.
You ate his cousin Julio?
Well, how was I supposed to know? He was just laying there next to the dip. Not saying anything. I thought he was a popper.
[laughs]
I don’t want to talk to you.
Oh, OK, I’m–I’m actually… really sorry, José.
He died doing what he loved most.
What was that?
Burning your mouth.
He did do that.
Right.
And later your ass.
I’ll let you know.
OK. So, José, you think you can help Peanut get a date?
Sí, I know women.
You? I have never seen you with a woman! [scoffs] You’re in that box all day long.
Sí, but many of the times, I am not alone.
Oh, come on. Who gets in there with you?
Ask your mother.
Hey! What the hell?
[laughs] All right.
Did you hear that?
Yeah.
I’ll deep fry his ass.
No.
And his stick.
Steeck.
Whatever.
Calm down.
He said he was with my mother!
I know.
My mother can’t fit in José’s box.
No, but José can fit in your mother’s–
No, but José can fit in your mother’s–
All right!
What the hell?
I’m– [laughs]
I’m gonna slice him up and serve him on our next plate of frickin’ nachos.
And that’s when I burn your ass.
You can’t!
Yes, I can.
I don’t have an ass! It’s an elbow.
That sounds much worse than a stick.
All ri– [laughs]
I thought this was gonna be a lot more fun.
That’s what I said to your mother.
Hey!
All right! Wait–wait a minute.
I bet your mother had a steeck.
Not as big as your sister’s.
Oh, will you stop it, both of you? Say good night, José.
I am José Jalapeño.
On a Stick.
There he is.
Hey!
All right.
[cheers and applause]
All right, look, Peanut, have you ever tried online dating?
Well?
I thought that maybe we could help you out by filling out a profile on one of those sites and see how it goes.
Oh, OK.
I pulled up the site.
Yeah.
And let’s enter your profile. Let’s see what happens.
OK.
So for example, OK, uh, name.
OK, first name, Pea, last name Nut.
That’s not right.
There’s two blanks. What are you gonna do? Initial P then last name [gargles]? Sound like you’re talking backwards. [mimics talking in reverse]
Height?
Six four.
You’re like two four.
Objects in mirror are larger than they appear.
OK, now it’s asking your relationship intent. Is it long term, short term, short but open to long term, not sure.
Is there a checkbox for “wham, bam, thank you ma’am”?
OK, sexual orientation.
Upside down.
No.
Sideways?
No.
About face.
Stop it.
That’s what she said.
[laughs] I have no idea what you’re doing!
She also said that.
Wh– what do I enter?
He said that.
Stop it! Income?
What?
Income.
Outcome?
What?
Income, outcome. How come?
Read this, right there.
Uh, “the amount of money you make anally.”
Annually!
Oh, that’s way different. It’s amazing how one little missing U can rock your world. And make it difficult to walk.
[laughs] OK, we’ve now gotten to the part of the show that I’m not really sure about, Peanut.
What’s that?
Well, as the audience knows, before the show started, many of them were given these cards and asked to write you questions about love and relationships, anything to do with Valentines.
Yep.
So, uh, where is– all right, I can’t read the first name. Is it “Fru–” Fr– person: Frank!
Oh, Frank?
It looks like “Fruck.”
All right, Frank. “Dear Peanut, I got my wife these tickets for our 10th anniversary. Is this enough?”
Let’s see, 25th anniversary is silver, 50th is gold, and 10th is warm beer and a puppet show. Yes, you’re a good, Frank.
John Simmons. “Dear Peanut, are children with peanut allergies allowed to play with you?”
Oh, ha, ha, ha. Yes, they are. Deal with the itch, bitch.
Oh, that’s– Kate and Sherry. “Dear Peanut, what advice would you give “a married lesbian couple that’s been with each other for 14 years?”
Do you know?
No.
I don’t know either. Clearly, we don’t have anything you need.
Where are Dennis and Cathy? Aw! “Dear Peanut, “we reconnected at our 56th class reunion two years ago. Should we get married?”
[crowd shouting approval]
I guess so. Are you the last two left? Happy Valentine’s Day.
Uh, John McLendon. “Dear Peanut, after 20 plus years of marriage, “how can I get my wife to, you know, want to, “you know, have, um, well, you know, sex? Any thoughts?”
Well, John, clearly from this question, it shows you like to beat around the bush. And there’s your problem.
Say goodnight, Peanut. [cheers and applause]
There’s a character that has been in my act for many years, but for various reasons, he has now been all but banned from any new television programming.
[cheers and applause]
And because of all that, he is not with us here tonight. [crowd groaning, booing] However! It seems that he has a distant cousin… a long-lost relative who apparently is immortal and Greek and a god. Ladies and gentlemen, please help me welcome the Greek god, Achimedes.
[upbeat rock music]
♪ ♪
[cackling]
[cackling] [cheers and applause] Greetings, mortal human infidels! [cackles] It is I! What’s my name?
Achimedes.
Achimedes! I am the ancient Greek god of keeler love.
What–what’s killer love?
Not killer, keeler!
Keeler.
Yes.
And where are you from, Achimedes?
Uh…
Mount Olympus.
Mm–what?
Yes.
OK. Mount the platypus!
No.
What?
Mount Olympus.
Yes, don’t forget the puss. I am from the mountain of platypuses!
No.
Platy-pussies?
No, no! No!
I’m not sure I can say that.
Just forget it.
Silence! I love you.
[laughter and applause]
Really?
Yes. It’s “silence! I love you.”
That’s different.
Yes, I know. I call it keeler love.
OK.
Yeah.
I got it.
I keel you! With love.
And what is your job, Achimedes?
I am a god.
I didn’t know that being a god was a job.
And I didn’t know that talking to dolls was a job, but here we fricking are.
So you’re not dead?
No. I am immoral.
[chuckles]
What?
Immortal.
I– what? I don’t know that word in English.
It means you live forever.
Really?
Mm-hmm.
That’s a thing?
Yeah.
I love this country so much!
But you’re not dead.
No, I am not dead. Do I look dead?
Well, yes.
Silence! I love you.
[snorts]
I have to be honest. That “I love you” thing just feels wrong to me.
You’re doing great.
OK.
If you’re a Greek god, why are you here on Earth?
I don’t know. We didn’t talk about that. Stick to the script.
Just–just go with it.
What?
Just go with it, ad lib.
OK.
So, Achimedes, why are you here?
Uh, to play Powerball.
What?
Well, you said to ad lib. The jackpot is huge! And you know us Greek gods, we love to gamble. Right?
I don’t know.
Damn it, just go with it! Quick, what’s a good gambling game?
Uh, craps.
What?
Craps.
Are you kidding?
No.
That’s a game?
Yeah, it’s huge in Vegas.
Gross, OK. Yes, my favorite thing to do in Las Vegas is to take a crap.
No.
What? What? “Give a crap”?
No, no.
I don’t give a crap.
No. “To play craps.”
That’s worse. You’re like monkeys in a zoo. What the hell, dude? Hey, by the way, did you see my new friend?
Your new friend?
No. Uh, over there in the case. Get her out.
Over here?
Yeah.
OK. [crowd whooping] What–what is this?
Not what, who.
Sorry.
You’ll hurt her feelings. It’s my little sheep.
Oh. A ewe?
A what?
A ewe?
Yes, it’s a-me. Are we a-speaking Italian now?
No, she’s a ewe.
No, she’s a-not a-me. I a-mean she’s a her.
No, she is a ewe.
She is not a-me. What is a-wrong with a-you?
I don’t know. What’s wrong with the ewe?
What?
You just said there’s something wrong with the ewe.
No, I didn’t. I’m fine!
Not you, her.
You? What, now me? What the fuck?
[breathes deeply] A female sheep is a ewe.
No, she’s a-not a-me, and stop a-making a-fun of the Italianos!
Can I pet your ewe?
[screams] Do not touch me!
Not you, that ewe.
What?
Your ewe has very nice wool.
What? And you are a pervert!
So otherwise, uh, how’s it– how’s it going being a Greek god?
Actually, it’s not too bad.
Really?
Yeah. It’s so much fun being famous.
I bet.
Yeah. Folks now stop me on the street. They asked me for my autograph, they want to take selfies.
I would think that looking like you do, people would be afraid of you.
Of course they are. [chuckles]
Oh, so you’re saying it’s good being Achimedes.
Oh, no, no. They think I’m Nancy Pelosi. I mean, look at us! The resemblance is uncanny.
Achimedes.
[screams] I forgot you were here. I would like to do this act solo.
Really?
Yes, I do not need you.
Oh, I think you do, but you can do what– [laughter]
Holy crap. Did my arm just fall off?
Yeah.
What are you doing?
Well, I got to kick it over into place.
Ow! You stepped on my pinkie. How the hell did I know that?
I don’t know. I’m gonna have to get down on one knee. I’m gonna have to get down on one knee.
[gasps] This is so sudden.
No.
Put it back.
All right, just hang on a second.
Come on.
I don’t know how this goes in here.
That’s what she said.
All right. OK. So I think the next thing–
Son of a bitch, don’t drop me.
I’m trying not to.
Put ’em back!
I’m–I’m working on it. Here, let’s put these here.
[screams] That does not go there!
Stop.
What the hell, dude? Look like I had a five-fingered wiener. I don’t have that.
No.
But if I did, my underwear would fit like a glove.
[chuckles]
Put it back!
[laughs] I’m working on it.
And fix my feet, asshole.
OK. All right, there. All right, there’s good. All right, here we go.
Son of a bitch! What am I, a fucking clock? I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
OK, just sit still.
Take your hand off my wiener. What?
You–you don’t have a–
I know, I know, I know. It’s not there.
OK.
I lost it in an explos… [grunting] …sive game of poker.
[chuckles softly] You– you lost–
My wiener in a poker game. You should have seen the other guy.
So I was talking about Valentine’s Day earlier. Do you do anything special on Valentine’s Day?
I have a romantic dinner with my wives.
Oh, Greek gods have wives.
Yes, wives and virgins.
Mm. What’s the difference?
I call it “graduation.”
But don’t you have one particular favorite sweetheart?
Well, it’s not easy to say.
The one you like spending the most time with.
[gasps] Oh, yes, of course. She’s the greatest of all time.
Ah, the greatest of all time. She’s the G.O.A.T.
[bleating] Yes.
But, Achimedes, are there any actual people that you like?
Well… I like you.
Me?
Yeah. I think you are my best friend.
Well, thank you.
And isn’t Valentine’s Day when you say that?
Well, you can say that at any time but yeah, friends can be recognized on Valentine’s Day too.
OK. And I– I kinda need you.
Well, thank you.
I mean, ’cause otherwise I might fall off of this thing.
Right.
But it’s more than that.
Thank you. And I feel the same way.
[softly] Thanks.
♪ I can’t live ♪
♪ If living is without you ♪
♪ I can’t live ♪
♪ I can’t give any more ♪
[chuckles]
What are you laughing at?
Well, sometimes I ad lib myself into a corner, and don’t quite know how to get out of it. So.
Yeah, it’s a little awkward.
Little bit.
Yeah.
Uh, what was that song?
What?
What was the name of that song?
I don’t–wait. How the hell do I know the lyrics to the song and you don’t know the name?
I don’t know. I–I– I know it’s from the ’70s.
Well, thank you, Casey Kasem. What are you doing?
What’s the name of that song? I got to– I was right, it was Harry Nilsson. Uh, yeah, it was “Without You.”
What are you doing?
I just–I don’t know. Play “Without You” by Harry Nilsson.
You don’t have the signal. That is never going to– oh, you got–
[song playing]
♪ ♪
♪ No, I can’t forget this evening ♪
♪ Or your face as you were leaving ♪
♪ But I guess that’s just– ♪
Oh, look, the phones are coming out. It’s going to be like a rock concert!
♪ You always smile, but in your eyes ♪
Look at that!
♪ Your sorrow shows ♪
You can do that, that’s–
[laughs]
♪ No, I can’t forget tomorrow ♪
♪ When I think of all my sorrows ♪
♪ When I had you there but then I let you go ♪
I love this. I think I’m going to cry!
♪ And now it’s only fair that I should let you know ♪
OK, we’re going to have to sing the chorus. Are you ready? Here it goes, everybody!
♪ Oh ♪
[all singing]
♪ I can’t live ♪
♪ If living is without you ♪
♪ I can’t live ♪
♪ I can’t give any more ♪
♪ I can’t live ♪
♪ If living is without you ♪
♪ I can’t give ♪
♪ I can’t give any more ♪
Ah, that was fantastic!
[cheers and applause]
Say goodnight, Achimedes.
Thanks, Tampa Bay. I love you!
[upbeat rock music]
♪ ♪
You guys have been an awesome audience. Thanks for coming out. Happy Valentines Day, everybody.
[upbeat rock music]
♪ ♪
[beeping]
♪ MTV ♪
