ERIK GRIFFIN: THE UGLY TRUTH (2017) – Full Transcript

Erik Griffin’s performance at The Laugh Factory in Long Beach, Calif., finds him facing his titular ugly truth about both his outsides and his insides.

Ladies and gentlemen, live from Laugh Factory Long Beach, Erik Griffin!
Hey! What’s up, Strong Beach? Um… I’m feeling special for this special, right? Uh… I’m gonna be honest with you, the ugly truth is, I wanted to be in shape for this. I had big plans, too. I was like, I’m gonna get in shape. Um… hurt my ankle, um… Hurt the ankle. Wish I had a good story, like, I was out on the basketball court and these young kids was like, you can’t guard us, old man. I was like, please, crossover, crossover! That’s not what happened, um… I was actually on my way to a basketball game, opened up the car door and stepped wrong, you know? That’s some old fat shit right there. And then when you sprain your ankle, you do this weird thing where you go like this. Ahh! Ohh! Oh, my God, oh, my God. And then when I was doing that, I sprained the other ankle.
So, I needed to go to the doctor, okay? Um, went to the foot doctor, right? And this bitch, right? She looks… She looks at me and goes, you need to lose some weight. And I was like, looking up at her, like, um… cool. But can we discuss my ankle? This one is swollen and… You probably should start exercising. I want to do that. But my ankle… Bitch, man. I’m telling you, you would only say that to a man, you know what I mean? You could only… Can you imagine a woman? You imagine…
Ladies, you imagine a doctor looking at you and going, you’re fat and you eat too much. You would kill yourself. It’s much harder to be a fat guy than it is to be a fat girl, I’ll tell you that right now. But of course, women are always like, you don’t know the pressures of being a woman. Hey, there’s no fat guy empowerment song on the fucking radio. There’s no “All About that Bass” for dudes. But every single year, there’s some new song. Big bitches unite! Woo! Big bitches unite! You know what I mean? Every single year, you know? ♪ Big bitches unite ♪ ♪ I’m a big bitch and you know it ♪ It’s like… And we coddle… We like to coddle fat people, you know. You should feel good about you! No. What the fuck are you talking about? I tell the doctor, I… She says to me, she’s like, I say, I was gonna work out, you know. She was like, well, listen. The real problem is fork-to-mouth.
You know what I hate when you tell your friends? I told all my friends, I’m gonna lose some weight, watch. They… Everybody becomes the food police. You know, when you’re… Everybody becomes the food sheriff? Every time you reach for food. I thought you was, uh… I thought you was trying to lose some weight. Everybody’s a nutritionist all of a sudden, too. Ooh, that’s not good for you, that’s not good for you. I thought you was… I thought you was trying to lose some weight. I’m in church trying to get communion. Ooh, that’s a lot of Jesus. How much Jesus you gonna have? Why you take peanut butter up there? What you trying… Mind your fucking business. What I’m doing with me and my Lord is none of your business. And then, what… You know what really pisses me off? When they’re hungry, you know? When your friend… When they’re hungry, they… “Hey, let’s go to Fat Burger!” What? I’m an addict. I can’t go to… Fat Burger’s like going to the club, I’m in there like, oh, shit! I’m like, they’re playing my jam. Is that bacon sizzling? So of course, I fall off the wagon, I get the double king burger with the Oreo cookie shake and the chili cheese fries. My friend turns to me. I thought you was, uh… I thought you were trying to lose some weight. Hey, bitch. We’re in Fat Burger. It’s in the name. Fat Burger… They’re not trying to hide. This isn’t a wellness center up in here right now. That’s when they want to look at the menu and tell you what you should’ve ordered. Well, they have a veggie burger on a gluten-free bun. Shit. That’s like going to a whorehouse and cuddling. Um, I’m here to fuck, so… Bring out these Asian girls with the fat burgers, please. So my doctor, though, I’m sitting there and she tells me, since you can’t “work out,” I’m gonna put you on a calorie diet, she said. 2,000 calories a day. That sounds like a lot to me. But apparently, calories are on some kind of peso exchange rate. You have no idea how much calories are until you start counting the shit. Let me tell you something, 2,000 is like, a muffin, two basil leaves, and some Vitamin Water, about that much right there. So I have no idea, so I go to the restaurant, you know, and I’m like, okay gotta count calories. But I still don’t know, I’m like, let me get an appetizer. Uh, let me get the onion ring loaf. Just bring me the onion ring loaf appeti… Okay, that’s 2,000, all right. Um, this is probably 250, 275 calories. This shit was 3,000… 3,000 calories for the… That fucks off my whole day and half of tomorrow. And I’m still waiting on baby back ribs. Had the key lime pie for dessert, had a potato, had a Coke. Had ranch with the… With the onion rings, ranch. Do you know how bad for you ranch dressing is? Let me tell you something. This much ranch right here, that’s like 500-700 calories. That’s the devil’s love juice right there. The devil’s in every kitchen going… Aah. Okay, good, I’m saving lives in here right now. The next time you order ranch, you gonna see this. Ahh! See, the main problem too is how funny fat is. See how we’re laughing? Fat is funny as shit. I’m an actor, okay? When you… When you’re in a… You see the script and it says, you’re a thief. Guess what? You’re not a thief. It says you’re crazy. I’m not crazy. When it says you’re fat. You’re probably fat. When another actor says to your character, you fat fuck! I have a moment of, like… Is that me? Fat is just funny. Fat is the only disease that we just, like, we don’t care, we just laugh at it, we make jokes about it. It’s the only disease. Obesity kills people every single day, right? But nobody else would be like, oh, there go Cancer Charlie! Ahh! What up, Cancer Charlie! Oh, there go Cancer Tina. No-Titty Tina! What up, girl? Oh, look, you’re mortified. See what I’m saying? That’s my whole fucking point. But if it’s somebody fat, you’re just like… Ha ha ha ha ha! Hey, hey, hey! Like, it doesn’t matter how tragic a story is. If you find out the person’s fat, you’re not as sympathetic to their plight. They’re about to do a movie about those, like… Remember those miners in Chile that got trapped? Like, what if they were fat? You can’t… Fat guys in a hole, that shit is funny. All I’m saying is it makes a bad situation worse. Like, what if, like, Helen Keller was fat? I know. I know, she’s already deaf and blind! Which begs the question, why wasn’t she fat? Like, what was her workout, you know what I mean? She wasn’t in an aerobic class, ’cause the teacher would be like, Helen! Helen! Helen! Can this bitch hear me? Helen! She’s just standing in the back. She was probably fat. This is a bad example. This is a bad example. Okay, uh… Bad situation worse, okay, like, all right.
What if, like, Anne Frank was fat? Aww! I know, the guards would have heard her breathing. She can’t even walk in the attic. Like, imagine how mad the family would be. Anne! Would you shut the fuck… up? What? Are you trying to get caught? Who brought this big bitch up here? Was it you? The diary’d be full of recipes, you know what I mean? Day four. Apple strudel. She just eating chips. Anne! How does this bitch get chips? How the fuck… We up here starving. It just… It makes a bad situation worse. Maybe you couldn’t accomplish the things you accomplish. You know, maybe if it’s brain things, you know, Einstein probably still would have been smart, but would we know who Kobe Bryant is? We wouldn’t know who Kobe is. It makes your achievements harder to achieve. That’s all I’m saying.
Like, you couldn’t have a… A fat Jesus. I mean, imagine the logistics. Trying to get fat Jesus on the cross. I mean, you’d have to have a rope and pulley system. They’re trying to nail him, he’s sliding down, you know. All the miracles would be different. He’s walking on water waist deep. I’m your Lord. The last supper’d be a buffet, you know. Judas would be at the buffet. Really, Jesus? How much ranch you gonna put on that lamb? You couldn’t have a fat Moses either, you know? I mean, Moses went on a long walk in the desert. He had all the Jews behind him. Fat Moses would have been like, come on, Jews. Come on, Jews. Ooh… Oh, shit, this is… Goddamn, it’s hot as a motherfucker out here. Hold on, Jews! Oh, shit! Woo! Moses need to stop for a second, Jews. Jews, Jews, oh… Anybody else feet fucked up in these sandals? Okay, new plan, Jews, new plan. The promised land is gonna be right here. Look at all this land. Get comfortable, motherfucker, get comfortable. Oh, God. Such a fat fuck. The problem is it’s so easy to put on weight and so hard to take it off, right? That’s why when I die, I’m going right to human resources. I’m gonna fill out one of those comment cards. I’m gonna change some shit. Food that tastes good should be good for you. If I eat one pound of food, how much weight should I gain? One pound. One pound of Oreos… What the fuck happens to the Oreos? Are we cloning shit inside? We need to figure out this technology, we could feed the fucking world. And what is all this in the toilet? I’m still gaining weight.

The human body is a wondrous machine, but there’s some stuff about it I would change. Like, I don’t get balding. Balding doesn’t make any fucking sense to me. Right, sir, I see you over there. Like, if hair is gonna arbitrarily leave your body, it should be the ass first, right? You’d be showing off. Baby, you better come in here and look at this shit here. I’m like a ten-year-old boy back there, look at that as. And look at the balls, look at the balls!
The human body is weird. How about this, let’s have male and female sexual peaks at the same time, you know? 18 to, like, 27, men are just fuck machines. We wake up in the morning, I gotta make some ranch. This is… Isn’t it crazy that that’s our sexual peak? Women, your sexual peak is, like, 89. Women are, like, you better come tear this pussy up. Don’t make me chase you. It makes me feel like, are men and women even compatible? You know, it doesn’t even make sense to me, like, especially sexually, like, men and women, we don’t even like sex the same. I think women enjoy sex far more than we do. Half the enjoyment for men is getting to yes. We love that. Hey, you wanna fuck me? No? Okay. You wanna fuck with me? Hey, you wanna have sex? No? You wanna have sex? Fuck you, bitch. You wanna have sex? You wanna have sex? Yes? Ahh! See, we wanna… we wanna be with a thousand women. Every woman wants to be with their man a thousand times. And you just enjoy it better, you love it. Like, the female orgasm is probably the most demonic… You ever see one of those scary movies when somebody gets a demon in them and they’re like… Eat my pussy! You know what I mean? It takes over their whole body, like, the female orgasm starts in the leg and they just… Oh, my God! And like, their face looks like somebody hit ’em with a brick. Then they get super emotional. I fucking love you. I fucking love you! I fucking love you! You make a woman do that, she’s like, well, we’re getting married, just FYI. Our… our orgasm isn’t like that, right, fellas? We’re just trying to get rid of it. Get the fuck out of here, you get out of here! Don’t you come back in here, you hear me? Not women, man. You know, some women fake it. You know when they’re not faking it? I’ll tell you right now. They flip you over and get on top. That’s what women love that the best, right? They get on top, they’re crazy. I fucking love you! I fucking love you! That doesn’t feel good. We be down there, like, oh, shit, okay. You just broke my tailbone, we on a mattress. Ooh! That’s when they get the ponytail in, too. Ahh! I love you! And then you make it last forever, too. That’s what I would change. If you’re gonna give women multiple orgasms, let ours last longer than a moment, right, fellas? Right now, we’re just… Okay, wait. If you’re 18… Not women, man. Women are in there. Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! You can go to the bathroom, come back. Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! You in the kitchen making her a sandwich. Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Hey, do you want tomato? Yes! Can you put tomato in the sandwich? Bitch, I’m in the kitchen! I’m in the kitchen! You need to finish in there. Give us some of that, right, fellas? Give us that… You know why we don’t have that? Imagine the mess. It’d be… Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, my God. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, God. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Just get a towel, get a towel and I’ll… Shit. Put down a bucket, put the bucket down, I told you. Close your mouth, I’m a shooter, you know I’m a shooter, just… And women will be like… Ugh, stop it! Turn it off! It’s on my back, it’s on my fucking back, it’s on my back! Do you know I got my fucking hair done today? I can’t even open my eye.
So lose weight, you know what I mean? That’s… That’s the whole point of this. Lose some weight. So that’s why I’m a little chubby. Um… just a little bit. Let’s get to the shit, like, why I’m really here, though. I’m here to bitch about shit, you know? I don’t know how to let stuff go. I’m the don’t let stuff go guy. Like, if I… If I pass a store I’ve had a problem with, every time I pass that store, I’m like this. There goes that motherfucking store. And I bet that bitch is in there, too.

See, I… I get… I get pissed off about shit. People piss me off, you know? And if I didn’t have comedy, you know what I would need? The Purge, that’s what I would need. The Purge. Oh, God, I wish that was real. The Purge is, like, the best concept for a movie ever. So society can blow off steam, murder is legal for one night a year. Man, you walk out of that theater like… Who would I kill? Like, I don’t care who you are, you had a purge list in that movie. You were in there, like, okay, that bitch is dead. Even the person you were with, you had a moment of, like… Do you understand that we would interact with each other differently if The Purge were real? Like, if you went to work and your boss was yelling at you, you would be like, um… you know the purge is coming, right? I mean, I’m not threatening you. You just acting real purgey right now, that’s all I’m trying to say. I mean, I’m gonna do the reports, but let’s tone it down a little bit, let’s tone it down. Every relationship, that… It would always get to, oh, you gonna purge me, bitch? Like, we would interact with each other… You know, like, there would be jobs that would disappear, professions, gone. Like meter maid. Gone. Who the fuck would do that job?
Airport security. Gone. Black women in customer service. Sorry, boo-boo. Sorry, boo-boo. Nobody’s putting up with that bullshit anymore. I’m just trying to return something and she back there, well, you need to have a receipt. Oh, you don’t got a receipt? This motherfucker don’t got a receipt? I can’t see your tag. Oh, Tanisha? Um… You know the purge is coming, right, Tanisha? You should probably take this sweater back without the receipt, I’m just throwing that out at you. And it’s just one night. It was just one night, 12 hours, not even a full day. And they even had an alarm. Like, in The Purge, there was an alarm, like… Purge over, stop killing. I always thought, what if you’re in mid-kill? What if you’re just in mid… You motherfucker… Shit! Fuck! Ahh! Ha ha! You know I’m just playing! Come here! You know I would never… Sit down, boo-boo, sit down. Let me go get that receipt out the car.
I had a list of thing I call my purgeable offenses. Things I would purge… I have a list, it’s in my phone. I add to it all the time. Like, pedestrians that are walking across the street with that “we have the right of way” attitude. You supposed to walk across the street with an apologetic skip. You’re supposed to hit the intersection like, oh, car, my bad, I’ll get out your way. Oh, shit, you in a rush, my bad. Here’s how people walk across the street. Purge. They gotta die. They gotta die. They gotta die! Right in the middle of the street. How about these companies and organizations that are asking you to fax them documents? It’s 2016. Who the fuck has a fax machine? I don’t even have a home phone to hook a fax machine up to. You gotta go to Kinko’s and send ’em a piece of paper that says “purge” on it.
How about this? I love going to restaurants. I eat out a lot. I love to eat out and I love waiters and waitresses, I know it’s a tough job. I know there’s waiters and waitresses in here and I love you, but I have a request at a restaurant. Write down my motherfucking order. This little up-close magic trick you like to do with your little memory game, I don’t give a fuck. Keep that skill to yourself. Go juggle in the circus or some shit, I don’t care. Write down… You’re giving me anxiety, that’s why I need you to write the shit down. Okay? My order is finicky. I’ll go as far to say as my order is a purgeable offense, I get that. But I need you to write it down, okay? Like, you know… This is my order. They come over. Okay, everybody is done? Okay, cool. Um… turkey burger. Wheat bun, lightly toasted. Let’s get the mayo on the bottom bun, pickles on the side, no tomatoes, let’s grill the onions. I haven’t even got to the French fries and the salad, and don’t get me started on the Arnold Palmer iced tea-lemonade ratio. Here’s why I need you to write down my order, ’cause when you leave the table, this is me. She stopped at another table. How the fuck is she gonna remember all of that? Is this bitch on break? Where’s she going now? Now for 20 minutes, I’m ruining the whole table, ’cause this is me at the table. There is no fucking way… There’s no way she’s gonna remember this order. Here come the burger with tomatoes. Purge. That bitch has to die. She gotta die.
How about this? Clubs, bars, restaurants, hotels. Any place that uses cheap toilet paper. Hey, guess what? You’re not saving money. I have to use nine times the amount just to put a dent into this mess. You get some Charmin in here. I have a simple rule. If there’s anything on my finger… Purge. Yeah, that’s… That’s dookie, we gotta burn this down. Um… Who’s in charge of purchasing? They have to die. I travel a lot, too. I travel a lot. I’m a comic, I’m always on a plane, I’m always at an airport. I fucking hate the airport, okay? First of all, people are the problem, all right? There should be two lines at the airport. One for experienced, considerate travelers and then one for assholes. The asshole don’t even know he’s the asshole. It’s the dude that’s overdressed. Too many layers. You know the guy? Three-piece suit, poncho, beanie, wrestling belt buckle, janitor keys, pager, change in his pocket. Hey, are you doing laundry on the plane? Is there some kind of vending machine on this motherfucker I don’t know about? And then he’s got too many trays, ’cause he’s too cheap to check in his big electronics. You know the big electronics guy? Six laptops, a VCR. Where the fuck are you going with the VCR? Check this in, dude. And then you can’t go to the bathroom at the airport, because everybody’s in a rush. Pull-out-his-dick-too-soon guy always comes in. The guys know who I’m talking about. You know this dude? Just dick out, early, for no reason. There’s no business for his dick to be out this early. Like, this is the urinal over here and the door is over here. And he wants to walk in… Excuse me, why is your dick out already? Okay, this is the dick out zone right here, dick out zone. Okay, all this was dick in, this was all dick in. Yeah, over here was dick in, this is all dick in. And then I thought he grazed me with it on the way by. You know, I’m peeing and just like… Ooh, is that dick? And it took him too long to put it away, I had to step in. Hey, man. Can you put your dick away? What’s it to you? Uh, this is baggage claim, okay, so… Your dick has been out since gate 75. Put the shit away. I tell you the people that get on my nerves the most at the airport is when you’re at the gate trying to board. Now, look, I got to… I’ve done well for myself, okay? I got a lot of airline miles, I travel a lot. I’m in the good group. I got the credit card. I’m zone one. They call me first. Zone one. Zone one can board the plane. And you know I got that zone one walk. I’m slapping five with zone two. What’s up, zone two? Keep working hard, zone two, keep working hard. I can’t stand when I’m trying to board the plane and these zone seven people are standing in the fucking way. You know, and they’re looking at their ticket like they don’t know. Is it our turn? Who is it? Oh, it’s not… Oh, okay. Hey, riffraff. Can you please get your middle-seat ass out the fucking way? People that made good life choices are trying to get on this plane. Listen to all these zone seven motherfuckers right now. There should be a purge line into an alligator pit, you know what I mean? But I tell you the people you need to set on fire is people with babies. Babies. Oh, fuck you. Babies on an airplane? I’m always like… When I see the baby, I’m like, hey, where the fuck are you going with this baby? Whoever you’re taking this baby to see, tell them to come see you. Hey. Tell Nana get her old ass on an airplane. If she can’t fly, get that bitch on a Greyhound, all right? But you know people with babies, they always say, well, we deserve to have a real life, too. No. No, no, you wanted to have a baby. That’s your life now, don’t put that shit on us. I didn’t get to enjoy making this baby, I don’t want to deal with this little motherfucker. People with babies shouldn’t be allowed to do shit in public for five years. Or until their baby learns the words “shut the fuck up.” You ever at a restaurant, trying to impress a chick, here comes the toddler cockblocking you in the booth. Hi. Hi! She’s pretty. Who the fuck’s kid is… I can’t stand to see babies out… At a grown folks’ activity. It’s selfish. You know what it is, you know what it is? Parents are desensitized, that’s all it is. They don’t know all the nonsense that’s going on is supposed to be at home. Remember your friend before they had the kid, you would go to their house, you had to use a coaster. You had to take your shoe off to go inside, the walls were clean, there was adult shit on the stereo. Two years later, it’s Jumanji in that bitch. Monkeys on the chandelier, you’re stepping on toys, Elmo is blasting on the goddamn TV. And they’re oblivious. Hey! Come on in. Just step over all these fires, it’s fine, we’re gonna put them out later. And then they bring all that to a restaurant like the shit is okay. You know what I resent at a restaurant? Is that you have to pretend like you’re okay with little kids. You know, you have to be like, oh, he’s adorable! Oh, how old is he? Oh, look how fast. He’s fast, he’s so fast, look how fast he is. Ooh, his little legs are so fast in the restaurant, he’s so fast. Let me tell you something. Bringing your little toddler to a restaurant is equivalent to bringing an exotic bird to a restaurant. Imagine you’re in the back of a… You just enjoying yourself and all of a sudden you hear… What the fuck is going on in here? Oh, it… It got my bread! It took my bread! Let me tell you the difference between a bird and a toddler. Nothing. The only real difference is how we can respond. At least with a bird, you can be like this. Hey! Get your fucking bird! Who the fuck brings a bird to a restaurant, man? I’ll eat this motherfucker, I swear to God. Can’t do that with a four-year-old. Haven’t you been close, you just want to snatch a kid. Come here! Stop moving! Whose is this? Is this you? Is this you?! You take him, you just throw him on the table. Seat belt that motherfucker. So annoying. But I gotta say, babies are still the worst. People take babies places, I don’t know why. You know, two places I can’t stand the most. The first one is Vegas. You ever go to Vegas? And there’s the young parents with their new kid, you know, the mom’s over by the slot machine, pregnant with another one. Hey, you’ve already made a bad decision. You gambled on the pull-out and lost. So let’s take the little money you wasting on this trip and put it in a college fund so your kid can escape your bullshit. Vegas, listen, young parents, Vegas is over for you, or get a babysitter, okay? I should be able to walk down the strip, I need some pussy tonight! Here you are with your kid. Oh, hey, my kid! You know what? Fuck your kid! This is Vegas! But you guys know the absolute worst place to take a baby is a movie theater. Yeah, you’re a selfish bitch. Oh, I know, Batman Superman’s out. But guess what? You don’t get to see it. Netflix for you, Amazon, Hulu. They’re always in the theater like they’re helping, too, right? Shh… Shh… Get the bag. Shh… Shh… Is somebody making a latte in this motherfucker? I’m in the movie and this woman’s breastfeeding. Titty out, no regard. I know it was out, I didn’t need to see it, you know what I mean? You know how I know? This is all I heard. You are tearing that titty up. I mean, is there titty for everybody? I mean, is there chocolate on that nipple? Then there’s cell phones going off, and let’s be honest. Isn’t vibrate a ringtone? Your phone is on. Man, you don’t hear your phone? It’s in the cupholder. Purge. That bitch has to die. The baby dies. I personally… I can’t stand people that don’t know how to use their cell phone. So annoying, you know. People are so inconsiderate with their phones, you know? Girls will text you an important question and then throw their phone across the room. Hey, what time’s the movie? – Every guy gets right back to ’em, right? – 00. Now we’re walking around for 20 minutes. Hello? Hello? Hey, are we going to this motherfucking movie? Hello? That’s when they come back, calm down. I’m busy, I’m not waiting by my phone for you. Oh, for sure, if this was 1987. I’m sure you wouldn’t be waiting by your one phone that’s connected to the den wall. Since we’re in 2016, you’re literally always waiting by your phone. Too busy taking a selfie. This is me not returning your text. So annoying. My mom is the worst with the cell phone. The absolute worst. She had to have an iPhone, right? My mom’s not dumb, she just stopped learning shit in ’83. You know what I mean? Like, ’83 is when she was like, you know, I don’t need any more knowledge. Like, my mom has a fax machine. This bitch has a fax machine hooked up 24 hours a day. Who is faxing you, Mom? She’s stubborn. My mom is so stubborn. Like, this is an example. I’m in the car with my mom, I’m driving. She looks out the passenger window and says, Eric, look! It’s Antonio Banderas. Listen, I don’t even need a long glance to know that’s not Antonio Banderas, okay? I just needed one of these. Ma, that’s not Antonio Banderas. She’s like, I know Antonio Banderas when I see Antonio Banderas. That is Antonio Banderas. Okay, I’m gonna go over why it probably wasn’t. Let’s open with the 1997 Ford F150 that the dude was driving. But you know what? I’m not gonna assume shit. I’m gonna give her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe that’s the first car Antonio bought and he’s feeling nostalgic. He went into the garage, like, you know what? Get me the F150! I’m gonna give her that. But I thought the gardening equipment in the back of the truck… and the phone number to his service on the side… I know my mom saw that, but she’s so stubborn, she had to come up with a story. Well, Antonio is a nice man, his gardener obviously hurt himself and he is taking his truck back to his place, obviously. My mom had to have an iPhone. I said, okay. She can barely work the remote control to the TV, so I said, okay, I’ll get you an iPhone. For the first week, every first text message was completely blank. With a follow-up phone call, “Did you get my text?” She figured out the texting, right? And then the second week, she ask me these dumb questions. Hey, how do you get out of this window? The iPhone has one button. You would think out of curiosity, she would just press that one button. But apparently, that’s the… You know, the… the conveniently placed self-destruct button. My mom is on Facebook, so this is a can of worms in itself. My mom can’t figure out that status messages aren’t private messages. So she’s having a full-on conversation with her sister about going to the gynecologist on one of my pictures. I got friends and fans and people chiming in. Man, your mom’s pussy… Now I gotta block her. I had to block her on Facebook and then lie to her. I can’t seem to find you. You don’t know what you doing, Mom! You know… My mom, she’ll… She’ll ask a question and the nature of the question, you know, she don’t know what the hell she’s talking about. Here’s a Facebook question from my mom. Erik, when I get a Facebook message on the cell phone, I get that same message on the computer. How do I make that stop? I was like, okay, let’s roleplay, Mom. I’m gonna be you. I’m gonna ask you a similar question. Maybe that’ll help you understand. Erik… “Scandal” came on on the upstairs TV. And on the downstairs TV, “Scandal” came on. How do I make that stop? Well, she got mad as shit, just so you know. That’s not the same thing. She was like, I’m not stupid, I know how to do stuff. That’s her favorite thing to say. I’m not stupid, I know how to do stuff. So I’m gonna tell you guys the moment that I was, like, do not call me for customer service for this phone ever again. Here’s what happened, my mom uses Gmail. I put the Gmail app on her phone, got her password, boom, boom, boom, save. Now she can go to Gmail on the phone. My mom can’t remember her password to save her own life. Now, she’s on the computer and she can’t log in. You know what she does? She clicks the link “forgot my password.” That makes you change your password. So boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, change, save. She’s working, working, working. Let’s go back to the cell phone. The saved password on the cell phone no longer works. You know what she does? Forgot my password. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, save. Let’s go to the computer. Forgot my password. My mom’s caught in an iPhone Groundhog Day. And then she calls me on my stepfather’s phone mad. You know you got me a faulty iPhone. So now, I gotta rush over there and try to help her out, right? So I… What I did was I sat and watched her for, like, an hour, like this. Now Google is making her verify her identity. She done done this shit so many times, like, bitch, who the fuck is this? So she had to use an alternate e-mail. Okay, my mom put my stepfather’s e-mail in, I just wanted to make sure it was okay. I said, Ma, you know you put Michael’s e-mail. This is my mom. No, I didn’t. Why would I do that? I’m not stupid. Ma, I’m not calling you stupid, I’m just saying, you put Michael’s e-mail, do you know you did that? I didn’t do that, why would I do that? I’m not dumb. So I say, okay. Tell me your theory as to how this e-mail got here. This is what my mother said to me with a straight face. Well, maybe Google knows we’re married. Purge. That bitch is dead. She’s got to go! You know they say you end up with someone like your mom? That scares the shit out of me. That’s why I online date. I like to go… Online dating is great. You gotta go into online dating, but it’s just… There’s too many sites for people that already have something in common. Like, JDate seems like a stupid site. Jews already know where Jews are. You don’t need a site for that. Black People Meet, another dumb site. You know what’s the worst? Christian Mingle. Christians already have a place that they should meet other Christians. Are you telling me that Christians are at church going like this? Uh… I don’t trust any of these motherfuckers. We should go to the internet, let’s go to the internet. Farmers are the only people that should be online. And the reason is is they gotta walk 65 acres to get to the next… By the time you get to the next farm, you like, what’s up, girl? It’s hot as a motherfucker out here, huh? Anyway, would you like to go out? No? Fuck! You gotta put a sign up. Look, we’re all online. That’s why I need to know about you, you need to know about me, so let’s have all your crazy on your profile. I’m just saying, be you. Be who you are currently… online. I don’t want to see a picture that’s 30 pounds lighter. 15 years younger. Whatever defines you, have that on your profile. When I shake your hand is not when I’m supposed to find out about your hook. First date is not hook time, okay? I’m not supposed to be like, oh, okay, this bitch has a hook, okay, um… Hey! No, all your pictures should be like… You should be hanging on shit. Fuck you, you can’t come with the hook on the first date. And I want to plan a proper date, too. What if I want to do something off the beaten path, I want to take you to make pottery. I’m trying to redo “Ghost” and you fucking it up. Would you use your other hand, bitch? What are you doing over here? No, if I find out you have a hook, I’m taking you fishing. You on the side of the boat… You fucking pull out a marlin and shit. Be you online. And don’t have this picture, either. From here to here, that’s catfishing. That’s not enough. I don’t know what you are from here to here. You could be anything, you could be a centaur for all I fucking know. You imagine you get on a blind date and some chick is… This bitch is a centaur. Hey! What? Centaur! You know, when you said bring a saddle, I had a whole different… you know. You gotta ride her on the date. Oh, is that your titty? I’m sorry. You… This is not enough. She could… She could be a mermaid. Just in water, waiting for you at the restaurant. This bitch is a mermaid. We’re at a sushi restaurant. Do you see how that’s not a good date? Okay, that’s all make-believe. Let me give you a real example. Let’s say you seen just this picture. You hitting it off, two, three weeks. Get on a date and she’s in a wheelchair. Oh, really? Oh, really? So let me get this straight. I don’t know the chick’s in a wheelchair and somehow I’m the asshole right now? Just ’cause she texted I’m rolling through around 7:00. And you know what? Fuck all of you hypocrites. If this was coming at you at a restaurant… Hey! You’d all be like, this motherfucker’s in a wheelchair. Hey! Excuse me. Is the centaur still here? Can you… Look outside and see if the centaur is here. What if you, like, you all the way across the room, restaurant, and here she coming in, I’ll be right over! Is that your purse? Oh, God, did I spill your drinks? I’m so sorry. You’re gonna be like, this motherfucker is in a wheelchair. All I’m saying is the chair should be in the picture. Is that fair? The chair should be in the picture, you know what I mean? She should be just like… She should be popping a wheelie in the picture. That’s like every online profile picture should be this. And you should be able to turn it like a car website. Put different clothes on it. Let me see these titties in a sundress, you know what I mean? Even wheelchair girl should have to do it. Put some spinners on that. Okay. That part was too far, fuck you. But my whole point is I want to plan a proper date. Right? I don’t know what… Where the hell I’m gonna take… What if I want to go dinner and dancing? What the fuck do you do? You know, if you’re… You know, every guy would do the same thing. You just roll her ass out on to the dance floor and just fucking go for this shit. While she’s doing the electric slide. Two hops. Please, fuck… The whole crowd would be like, Oh! We doing it! All I’m saying is you gotta tell me you’re in a wheelchair so I can plan a proper date. You tell me you’re in a wheelchair, we’re going to Six Flags. We got the good parking out front. And we get to jump the line, too. Excuse me. My boo boo is on wine. So we gotta go online. But have all your crazy, by the way. Not just physical. If you got Tourette’s, that’s a first date… That should be on your profile, TourettesGirl87. I don’t… Dick, pussy, butt, fuck, shit. This bitch has Tourette’s. Like, whatever your crazy is, you gotta tell it. Like, let me tell you what happened to me. I went on this date. And we about to order food when she hits me with this little gem. Hey, you know I’m a vegan, right? No, bitch. Would we be in this barbecue restaurant? You know why I was mad? She didn’t give me the benefit of the doubt. You tell me you’re vegan, I’m taking you to the broccoli shack. We’re going to the celery hut. Wherever the hell you need to go, I’m gonna take you there. What really pissed me off is she smoked. She was a smoking… vegan. I told her, I said, that’s like wearing a condom with a hole in it. And I don’t hate vegans, I’m not trying to hate on vegans. I’m just saying, you know, don’t disguise your nasty food with shit that I like. Don’t misrepresent what this is. Like, have you ever had vegan pizza? Ugh. Vegan pizza is like a transvestite. From a distance, you’re like this. Well, what do we have here? And then you take a bite. Is that dick? I think that’s dick. There’s dick on this. Can you get me the real cheese? Listen, you guys have been a very fantastic crowd. Thank you very much for coming out. I love you Long Beach! Thank you. ♪♪


Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Read More

Chad Daniels: Dad Chaniels (2019)

Chad Daniels: Dad Chaniels (2019) | Transcript

In his sixth stand up release, Minnesotan Chad Daniels delivers a brand new hour of comedy of his unapologetic take on parenting teenagers, how America’s gone soft as a nation, his plans for growing old, and…cake.

Sam Morril: You've Changed (2024)

Sam Morril: You’ve Changed (2024) | Transcript

Sam Morril showcases his unique laid-back style, effortlessly riffing on his experiences about the worst person he’s ever dated, the challenges of ageing, and his take on various topics from cable news to the dangers of social media.

Weekly Magazine

Get the best articles once a week directly to your inbox!