Emily Heller: Ice Thickeners (2019) – Full Transcript

Emily Heller compares Donald Trump to Air Bud, answers some FAQs about vegetarianism and recalls telling her personal trainer about her lack of fitness goals.

Emily Heller compares Donald Trump to Air Bud, answers some FAQs about vegetarianism and recalls telling her personal trainer about her lack of fitness goals.

The idea of this event is really simple. I just thought with everything that’s happening in the world with Trump and Harvey Weinstein, and God, who’s that guy who looks like he’s wearing a kids size fake beard? James Toback, just anyway, with all of that, I just thought, I don’t wanna tell my jokes to men anymore, so I’m doing a special that is no men allowed. The idea of liberating my comedy from the male gaze, it’s just so freeing to me. To create this safe space full of just amazing women and non binary people, how do you take that electricity, that singular alchemy out of the room after tonight? I mean, it’s the question that every stand up special tries to answer, which is how do you capture lightening in a bottle? And then once you get the lightening in that bottle, how do you then keep men out of the bottle? Not only do I not want men at the show, I also don’t want them to watch it ever. You know how they did those (phone dinging) Wonder Woman screenings that were… Is it okay if we actually hold? ‘Cause I have to make a quick family emergency related phone call that’s not about this.

– [Woman] Yeah. – Yeah. What do you mean? Well, how many tickets have we sold? Well, what the fuck do the woman of Seattle have to do tonight that’s better than this? Well, what are you suggesting? (inhaling deeply) No, it’s fine. It’s fine. I love you. Sorry about that. And action. (beeping)

– [Woman] Emily, why did you change your mind?

– Why did I change my mind? I just thought that as wonderful as it would have been to cultivate this space for women, wouldn’t it do more good to give men the opportunity to come learn from my ideas, give men the opportunity to get these two for one tickets? They would come and they would see me in charge with a microphone, a woman, that is the real safe space. So that’s the reason, and that’s the real reason.

(upbeat music) (Keep On Livin’ by Le Tigre)
♪ You hide inside, so not okay ♪
♪ Keep on, keep on livin’ ♪
♪ What if you remember more today? ♪
♪ Keep on, keep on livin’ ♪
♪ The phone rings but there’s too much to say ♪
♪ Keep on, keep on livin’ ♪
♪ You tell them to go when you wish they would stay ♪
♪ Keep on, keep on livin’ ♪
♪ You gotta keep on, keep on livin’ ♪
♪ You gotta keep on, keep on livin’ ♪
♪ You gotta keep on ♪

– [Announcer] Please put your hands together for Emily Heller.

(audience applauding)

(audience cheering)

Oh my God, oh, thank you so much. Oh! Seattle, thank you so much for coming out. All right, that’s enough, that’s enough. Oh my gosh, it’s so great to be here. I see some men here, that’s fine. (audience laughing) Either you must be a little confused right now, ’cause for so long I didn’t want you to come and then at the last minute, I was like, actually, I think I might need you here. And for you, that must have been confusing, like am I really welcome? The reason why I know that is ’cause that’s how all women feel in every workplace. (audience laughing) (audience cheering) So, now you guys know.

Thank you so much for being here. I don’t know if you can tell from my glasses or everything about me, but I’m not thrilled with the president right now. (audience laughing) Imagine if I looked like this and I was stoked. (audience laughing) What would my deal be? What an interesting person that would make me. I wish I was that interesting. I’m not, I’m just another sad, boring, liberal. (audience laughing) I kind of think Donald Trump is like the Air Bud of American politics. But I also think Air Bud was the villain of that movie. (audience laughing)

Right, because imagine for a moment that you are one of the kids on the other basketball team. You’re one of the kids who has to play basketball against a golden retriever in front of your parents. (audience laughing) You’re just a kid who loves basketball, right? You’ve been practicing basketball. You know the rules of basketball. You showed up to the gym that day expecting to play another child at basketball. (audience laughing) That was Hillary Clinton, right? (audience laughing) (audience applauding) She was just like, Put me in coach, for the last 20 years, and we finally did, and as soon as we did, this fuckin’ fluffy dog who has not business on the court comes running out, distracting everybody. He doesn’t know the rules, he can’t know the rules. (audience laughing) He is a dog. He’s traveling like crazy, where’s the ref? And everyone’s just fine with it because there’s nothing in the rule book that says a pumpkin headed racist can’t be president. Let’s write more rules maybe, how about that? That seems like a pretty obvious fix. (audience cheering) (audience applauding) Also, I should say, I have not seen Air Bud. (audience laughing) But I feel like I pieced it together pretty well, don’t you? I did write that joke before the election, when this was all still funny to me. I mean, that joke is still funny, but everything else is a waking nightmare. (audience laughing)

It’s a very weird time to be a comedian, or an alive person, just generally. But as a comedian, I definitely feel this palpable pressure to have something comforting, or at least coherent to say to you about what’s happening in the world. And I don’t, I’m sorry, I got nothin’. I’ve been performing in a lot of other better countries recently. (audience laughing) You know, I can tell those people are not there for joke so much as an explanation. (audience laughing) I did some shows in Australia right after inauguration and I did an interview with a newspaper there to try and get people to come and see me perform. It didn’t work. (audience laughing) And the only question the interviewer asked me was, what’s it like to make jokes about President Trump? And that was the first time I had heard those two words together, so my response to this reporter was I started crying. (audience laughing) Just on the phone with an Australian stranger. Not one of my travel tips, if you ever go there. Because it’s not funny to me, it’s still not funny.

And I understand why people sometimes make jokes when they’re right in the middle of a terrible situation. I get that impulse, I used to live in New York before I moved to LA, I used to ride the subway all the time. Very often when you’re riding the subway in New York, it’ll stop underground in between stations. You have no idea how long you’re gonna be there. People get stressed out, tense, claustrophobic. So I always liked to used to break the tension with a little joke. I’d be like, I mean, I know it’s not the express train, but this is ridiculous, right guys? (audience laughing) And they’d be like, oh my god, that’s so funny, are you a comedian? (audience laughing) And I would say, yes, a very famous one. And then the train would start up again, we’d all get uptown like we knew we were going to. So I get it, I get making jokes when you’re in a bad situation. This doesn’t feel exactly like that, right? This doesn’t feel like we’re just stopped momentarily but we’re definitely getting to the station eventually. This feels more like we all got on a train that we thought was going uptown. And instead of stopping, it very suddenly started going 800 miles an hour. (audience laughing) We’re not even in Manhattan anymore, we are off roading it. We are just plowing through a SeaWorld in New Jersey. Kids are diving out of the way. We’ve impaled an orca whale that was about to be released into the wild after 17 years in captivity. Because we all saw Blackfish and we’re makin’ some changes. But not soon enough, because she is dead now and we are just dragging this whale carcass behind this runaway subway car. And me and all my friends on the train are horrified, and we’re looking around at the other passengers like, Can you guys believe this shit? And they have their backs to us, but then their heads spin around like they’re in The Exorcist. (audience laughing) And they’re like, oh, we actually like the new train conductor, he says what he thinks. (audience laughing) And I’m like, Okay, but he’s not a train conductor, he’s a human toilet, he’s a toilet that a witch put a spell on and now it can talk. I’d rather have an engineer in charge or something. And they’re like, No, no, no, it’s better with a human toilet, it’s about time this train ran more like a haunted bathroom. (audience laughing) I’m like, what’s going on, where are we? Are they’re like, Oh, you’re in real America now, bitch. I hope you like staying pregnant. (audience laughing)

I know, and then before I can even say anything to that, there’s a horrible screeching noise because the runaway subway car that we’re all on has found its way onto the tracks of the rollercoaster at SeaWorld. And it has ground to a halt, upside down, at the top of the loppty loop, and that’s where we are right now. (audience laughing) We’re not stopped underground at in midtown headed to the Upper West Side, we are dangling from a fucking rollercoaster in Hoboken and we don’t know if we’re gonna stop off and drop to our deaths or finish the loop and slam into a children’s hospital. (audience laughing) We don’t know. It doesn’t end good either way. And no one can see what’s about to happen because the outside of the train car is still coated in orca blood, so everyone is real quiet. ‘Cause they’re just listening to see if they can hear what’s about to happen, and it just doesn’t feel appropriate for me to break the silence to be like, they call it SeaWorld, but I can’t see anything, can you guys? (audience laughing)

You might be relieved, I guess, if you’re a Trump supporter who found their way in here somehow. If that’s the case, all that I ask is that at no point do you make that known to me in any way. (audience laughing) If you would be so kind. But you know what, congratulations on bucking the stereotype and showing up to hear a woman talk for an hour. (audience applauding) (audience cheering) I would be genuinely impressed with your nuance if that’s what happened. I’m not that nuanced myself, I’m very predictable.

I am in therapy, anyone else in therapy? (audience cheering) Yeah! Some people here know they’re not perfect, a few of you in deep denial. (audience laughing) I think everyone should be in therapy, everyone should be in therapy. Don’t do it for yourself, do it for your friends. (audience cheering) They don’t wanna hear that shit anymore. If you think you don’t need therapy, here’s what I want you to do. Tell your best friend that you’re thinking about it, see how relieved they look. (audience laughing) That’s all I’m saying.

You don’t have to be on the brink of despair to go into therapy, I’m a pretty happy person. I’m a pretty happy person. Sometimes I think I’m depressed, but then usually I just need to take my bra off. (audience laughing) It’s like, oh, that’s what that was. I’m a happy person in therapy, which I recommend. Because I walk in there confident. I walk in there with the confidence that I imagine people who floss have when they go to the dentist. (audience laughing) I’m speculating. Just like, we’re probably not gonna find anything, but let’s take a look, huh? (audience laughing) I don’t think I’m going to therapy to get better so much as I am just waiting for the day when my therapist tells me I’m her favorite client. (audience laughing) That’s all I want. I just wanna show up on day and have her say, Listen, I can’t take your money anymore. Do you wanna just hangout? (audience laughing) I’ll tell you about my other patients. As your prize for being the least crazy. I don’t think that’s too much to ask for.

I’m tryin’ real hard, I’m suckin’ up, I do all the good therapy things, like, I cry every week right at the beginning. Just to let her know I mean business, I came here to work. Crying is the best thing you can do in therapy and I do it every week right at the top, that’s like starting a song with a guitar solo. (audience laughing) It’s the Carlos Santana smooth of therapy moves. (audience cheering) (audience laughing) Featuring Rob Thomas. And yeah, that’s an old reference, but write a song that rocks harder and I’ll update it. (audience laughing)

I really thought I was nailin’ it and then a friend of mine told me that she made her therapist cry recently. (audience laughing) I know, I was like, Fuck, I gotta step it up. Do you like your therapist?

– [Woman] I do.

– You do, why do you like your therapist?

– [Woman] She actually says things in therapy.

– She actually says things in therapy? You are holding her to such a low standard. (audience laughing) It doesn’t matter what she says, I just like that she talks. How did you find your therapist?

– Actually, it was through a referral of another therapist.

– It was through a referral of another therapist.

That’s the perfect answer, that’s the only way to go. Some people say they get a referral from their friend, you can’t do that. First of all, which friend do you ask? It’s gotta be someone who’s visibly improved in the time you’ve known them. (audience laughing) ‘Cause otherwise, how do you know? But then you can’t go to the same therapist as your friend. I’ve tried that before, it didn’t work. The whole time I just wanted to be like, Let me tell you what Kim’s real problem is. (audience laughing) I know that bitch is not being honest with you. (audience laughing)

I did what you did, I got a referral from another therapist. ‘Cause I didn’t wanna use Yelp. The one thing I know about people who leave Yelp reviews is that they have not received effective therapy. (audience laughing) I got some referrals, I went to their websites thinking maybe the websites will help me chose between them. Their websites, it turns out, were all basically identical. They all had the exact same qualifications, the exact same mission statement. No one was out there being like, I dropped out of middle school and I’m gonna make you crazy. (audience laughing) It was basically the same. There was no dancing baby gifs to help me definitely pick that one. (audience laughing) The only difference I actually found website to website was their picture, so that is how I chose. (audience laughing) I don’t feel good about it, I didn’t have a choice. I became as shallow as the men I am going to therapy to talk about. ‘Cause here’s what’s fucked up, you guys. I went with the pretty blonde lady therapist. Yeah, my natural enemy, why would I do that? That doesn’t even make any earthly sense. How is she gonna understand my problems, right? I’m gonna be like, I’m afraid he’s gonna leave me. I don’t know what that is. (audience laughing) Sometimes I think I might not deserve love. God, it’s like you’re speakin’ Chinese over here. (audience laughing)

But it turns out, it was actually a great call. Hot people are amazing at therapy. Because there is nothing I feel guilty complaining to her about, because I just assume her life is better than mine. The last thing I want is a therapist who’s gonna put my problem in perspective. (audience laughing) I don’t wanna think for a second that my life is going better than my therapist’s. If I walked in there and my therapist had an eye patch on or a peg leg, I’d just be like, You know what, I’m good, I’m gonna walk it off. We got bigger questions we need to answer, such is why is this pirate a therapist now? What’s goin’ on in their industry that they’re fallin’ back on their MFTs? This economy is really effecting everyone. That is a joke, but the other day my therapist had a bandaid on and I was like, Should we cancel? (audience laughing)

I am a pretty predictable person though, I am a vegetarian which of course means that people like to argue with me a lot. That’s the main thing that means. That’s something about me that people really don’t like, and that makes me sad. I wish they’d take the time to get to know me. I think they’d realize there are a lot of other things about me that are much worse. (audience laughing) The fact that I’m annoying about food is actually one of my better qualities. And I don’t talk about it. I mean, I realize I brought it up almost immediately tonight, but you have to believe me, offstage I do not talk about it because I’ve heard the feedback from you meat eaters and that feedback was shut the fuck up. (audience laughing)

And I’ve heard you, I’ve internalized that, I’ve shut the fuck up, but there’s the thing. Sometimes when people hear me order at a restaurant or something, they find out I don’t eat meat, they actually have a lot of questions about it, and that’s confusing to me because on the one hand I know I’m supposed to shut the fuck up, but then on the other hand I usually answer direct questions that are asked to my face. It’s this weird thing about me. And I’m tired of that happening, so what I decided to do is I’m just gonna answer all the questions onstage, right now, so no one has to ask them ever again. There’s only three questions that people usually ask, it’s the same three questions all the time. The first question people always ask is why, and that’s personal, but I’ll tell you. My reasons are probably the same as everyone else’s. I just love farting. (audience laughing) I love to fart, vegetarianism makes that possible for me. I don’t know if the meat was acting like some kind of cork, I’m not a scientist. (audience laughing) But it’s working out.

The second question people always ask is, where do you get your protein? Like that’s not a creepy thing to ask someone you barely know. (audience laughing) That is not information that I owe you. I don’t think I’d mind that question so much, it’s just that no one who’s ever asked me that has been healthy. It’s never people with a gym membership who are asking me where I get my protein. It’s always people who only know where they get their protein and don’t know where they get any of their other nutrients. And I’ll answer that question, but I don’t like to, ’cause the honest answer is I get my protein from hemp powder. I don’t like telling people that. (audience laughing) Because if there’s one thing I know is more annoying than someone talking about being a vegetarian, it is a white person explaining the many uses of hemp. (audience laughing) I don’t know which conversation I wanna be in less, honestly.

And then the last question people ask, it’s always a hypothetical. I think to try and figure out exactly what it would take to get me to eat meat again, they all think they’re gonna crack it. It’s always like, okay, but like, what if you were in the woods and you had no food, would you eat a deer? I’m always like, what are you planning? That is the most terrifying question I’ve ever heard and multiple people have asked me that. And of course the answer is yes, I would eat a deer, but can we maybe back up, just like a couple steps and talk about how I ended up in the woods without my cellphone? (audience laughing) That doesn’t sound like me. Something big went wrong and I don’t understand why we’re just glossing right over it and getting to these pretty unimportant questions about my new life. (audience laughing) Also, just to clarify, in this scenario, I’m athletic enough to hunt and kill a deer. (audience laughing) Fuck yeah, I’m eatin’ that thing. This is a parallel universe we’re talking about. I’m not even sure morality exists on the planet you just described because I know gravity doesn’t. (audience laughing)

I’ll let you guys all in on a little secret, it does not take that much to get me to eat meat again. It really doesn’t, all you have to do is put the pepperoni under the cheese and not tell me about it. (audience laughing) Not only will I eat it, I will spend the next month talking about how that’s the best pizza I’ve ever had in my entire life. (audience laughing) Cannot put my finger on why.

I know I need to work out more than the zero I have been. It’s very hard for me to motivate though because as soon as I put on workout clothes, I feel done. (audience laughing) I’m already cos playing as an exerciser. (audience laughing) I don’t need to take the fantasy any further than that. The only reason why I wanna workout is so my pants will fit. If you get me in spandex, we did it. (audience laughing) Mission accomplished. Plus, once I’m wearing workout clothes, I never wanna leave the house. ‘Cause I know how I look in them, it’s an indoor look. Don’t get me wrong, I know I have a beautiful body, I just kind of think only fit people can look good in workout clothes. It’s a broken system, there’s no way in for me. (audience laughing) And it’s not because they’re hotter than me, we all know they aren’t. It’s just that only fit people look self actualized when they’re wearing workout clothes. You see a person in workout clothes, you think, oh, she’s doing what she wants to do with her life. You see me in workout clothes, it’s just like, oh, someone had a talk with her. (audience laughing) Probably a doctor. Everyday is January 2nd for me in workout clothes. I cannot look like I’m having a good time. And I don’t like the idea that someone might be looking at me wearing them thinking, oh, she’s trying to better herself. So that’s why when I do workout, I just wear a hospital gown. (audience laughing) ‘Cause I don’t want people to think that I’m trying to better myself, I want them to think I’m already beating the odds.

I think in a true sign of the apocalypse, I joined a gym last year. I joined for what I actually think is a pretty unusual reason. I joined because at the age of 31, I was diagnosed with attention deficit disorder. Maybe soon I’ll get my braces off, get my period, who knows. (audience laughing) But I’ve been reading more about it, in short spurts. (audience laughing) And it turns out that one of the things that is supposed to really help with ADHD is regular exercise, which was devastating news. (audience laughing) Because I know empirically I will not workout for the sake of my body, but it turns out I will give it a go for my brain. My brain’s very important to me, it’s where all my Tweets come from. (audience laughing) My brain gives me gifts my body never has. The other day my brain gave me a new theme song for the TV show Frasier, but it’s set to the tune of the theme song for the TV show Friends. Don’t worry, I am gonna sing it. So it’s like,

♪ So no one told you were Dr. Fraser Crane ♪
♪ Your job is talking on the phone to the insane ♪
♪ It’s like you’re always stuck in second Cheers. ♪

(audience laughing)

So you see. Okay, okay, good, so you guys see why I need to keep this thing at 100%. For your sake. So I joined a gym, my gym membership came with a free personal training session. And I was like, oh, well that sounds like that sucks. But I also don’t know how to do anything there ’cause I’ve never been to a gym before, so I was like, maybe I’ll just use that time to learn how to use the machines without bonking my head, and then I’ll never have to talk to another human being at the gym for the rest of my life. And I told him that plan when I got there, and it wasn’t him, because I didn’t get to choose. And he was like, I totally get it, but first we do need to do a questionnaire about your fitness goals. And I was like, Oh, I feel like it should be clear from that last thing I said that I do not have fitness goals. My fitness goal was to join a gym, and I did that already, so I kind of feel like taking the rest of the year off, if I’m being perfectly honest. And he was like, it’s not that big of a deal. All you have to do is just tell me what it is you’re hoping to get out of this. And I was like, Okay, I guess I would like to improve my posture, my stamina, my general energy level. And he goes, Okay, great, and your goal weight? And I was like, Oh, not applicable. And he was like, You don’t wanna lose weight? And I was like, No, I do not. And he got this look on his face that told me that what he was thinking was, but I can see you. (audience laughing)

But here’s the thing you guys, I wasn’t lying, I wasn’t trying to be snarky or cram my feminism down his throat. I’m genuinely not interested in losing weight. That’s not why I walked in there that day. Nothing against you if that’s something you want. I think I used to want that when I was younger, and then what happened was I gained 40 pounds and then I started making a lot of money and having a lot of sex. (audience laughing) (audience cheering) And okay… I’m not saying the weight is why that happened, but I also don’t wanna jinx it. (audience laughing) And what would I stand to gain by getting skinny at this point? Just being too hungry to enjoy the money and the sex. I’m trying to buy some butter and lick it off a dude. (audience laughing)

So I don’t wanna lose weight. And he goes, but, what are your fitness goals? I was like, posture, stamina, energy. I’m committing to it now. And he goes, And you don’t wanna lose weight? And I was like, No, I do not. And he goes, but you have to be specific with me about your fitness goals. I was like, Oh, I’m sorry, leg posture. (audience laughing) Butt stamina, hand energy, is that specific enough? I have ADHD, I really can’t sit here that much longer. And he goes, Okay, but like, looking in the mirror, there’s nothing you wanna change? I was like, I don’t know, maybe the person I’m talking to right now. (audience laughing) (audience cheering) He goes, Let me put it this way, if you lost weight, would that be okay with you? And at that point, it was clear to me that he was not gonna let me leave there until I admitted to him that I was Slimer from the Ghostbusters. So I decided to throw him a bone. I was like, Okay, I guess ever since I put on weight, I’ve got a little bit more meat in my neck. It’s made breathing a little bit harder than it used to be from certain angles when I’m lying down on the couch. (audience laughing) I guess if that improved, I’d be fine with it. And you guys, he looked so relieved. He just like, Okay, so we wanna lose some weight. And he wrote it down, and the quiz was over.

Isn’t that crazy? I’m still so mad about it, you know? I’m not mad at him, he was just doin’ his job. I’m just mad at me, ’cause I missed an opportunity to just walk in there and be like, Oh yeah, my goal weight, this plus like 500. (audience laughing) Yeah, I wanna gain 500 pounds, but I only wanna gain it from here up. (audience laughing) I wanna be like a perfect circle, no neck, neck gone. Just a perfect circle, same size legs. That part’s really important. Basically what I’m saying is I wanna look like the sexy green M&M, can you make that happen for me? (audience cheering) I will not be happy until you can roll me out of here Willy Wonka style, and if you can’t make that happen for me, I will find a gym that can, maybe a Curves. Maybe a Curve singular, ’cause I do just wanna be the one curve, real women have curve. (audience laughing)

A lot of times when I tell that story. I can tell there are people in the audience who feel bad for me, and I need you to know I don’t need that. Don’t do that, I need you to know something you guys. I am immune to body shame, I don’t know why. I think it might be a side effect of being immune to all other kinds of shame. (audience laughing) (audience cheering) (audience applauding)

Someone said to my face the other day, you look tired. And I was not offended at all. I was just like, Oh, yeah, that is accurate, I am tired. I’ve actually been tired everyday since I was 14 years old. Yeah, I wake up tired, I got to bed tired, I get middle of the day tired. I probably get tired while I’m sleeping, I just don’t know about it. (audience laughing) Obviously the fact that you’re telling me that I look tired to you, all that tells me is that at some point in our relationship I didn’t look tired to you, and I don’t know how I pulled that off. That’s incredible, this is not an insult today. This is just a compliment that took a few months to get here. (audience laughing) But better late than never, I’m not a go getter either, take your time.

I think I’m trying to be more okay with other people’s rudeness so that I can in turn be rude to others, right? I’m being the change I want to see in the world. (audience laughing) Because the world is ending, we don’t got time. I don’t have time for politeness anymore. I don’t have time for small talk. I don’t have time for icebreakers. I’m only interested in ice thickeners right now. Global warming, we need it, right? An icebreaker is like, Oh, when did you get married? And ice thickener is like, Oh, why did you get married? (audience laughing) Don’t act like you’re not more interested in the answer to that question. It’s a better question, why am I not allowed to ask that? I know when you got married. I’m on Facebook, I’ve looked at all the pictures already. The whole point of us talking face to face is so that you can tell me the shit you’re not allowed to put online. Did you think you were pregnant? (audience laughing) That’s all I wanna know.

Are there any parents here tonight? (audience applauding) A few, a few tired claps. How many kids do you have?

– [Woman] One.

– One, how old is your kid?

– [Woman] Nine and a half months.

– Nine and a half months, and it’s going good?

– Yeah, yeah, he actually sleeps.

– He actually sleeps, okay. I like that that’s people’s answers for like, It’s going well, sometimes they’re unconscious. (audience laughing) Just objectively, a bad hobby is when it’s going well, you’re not really doing it, you know what I mean? I’m sorry, I’m not very natural at crowd work about children because I’m not interested in them. (audience laughing) I don’t wanna be a mom, is that clear? I don’t wanna be a mom, I do really wanna be a grandma though. Is there a way I can make that happen? Do I need to adopt a pregnant teenager? Put me on the list. I just feel like being a grandma is the only way I’m ever gonna be considered cool. Like, I’m not cool now, I shush people for fun. (audience laughing) I love rules, I love bedtime, I don’t really go to parties. When I do, I smoke a little bit of pot, I go home at 9:00.

But here’s the thing, if you’re a grandma and you do that, that’s pretty cool, right? (audience laughing) That’s a cool grandma, you see what I’m saying? That’s a low bar, I can clear that bar. That rule doesn’t apply to moms though. It’s a double standard. If you’re at a party and a mom starts rapping, everybody’s like, Shut up, Mom! (audience laughing) But if a grandma starts rapping, you’re like, Oh shit! (audience laughing) That’s about to pop off. It’s not fair, if you’re a mom, you’re not allowed to just quit your job and cover your body in tattoos, and drop a bunch of molly, and go on a fuck rampage across Italy. (audience laughing) But if you’re a grandma and you do that, you get a book deal. (audience laughing) How is that fair? A mom gets arrested, a grandma, Hellen Mirren plays her in the movie. (audience laughing) What kind of fucked up curse is that where not until your kid has a kid do you get to do cool shit. No wonder your parents want you to give them grandkids so bad. No wonder they love those grandkids more than their own children, they’re the ones who broke the curse. (audience laughing) And set them free to go fuck Italian guys. (audience cheering) (audience applauding) Glad you guys all enjoyed picturing your parents fucking an Italian guy. You wanna hear something weird? You guys were all picturing the exact same Italian guy. I don’t know how I know that. (audience laughing)

I do have a boyfriend which is fine. (audience laughing) It’s fine, it didn’t fix it. I mean, everyone acted like that was gonna fix it. It didn’t fix it, it’s fine. There are some things that are better about being in a relationship. Seesaws. (audience laughing) Oh my god, so much better with another person. That is like night and day. And that’s it. (audience laughing) No, sex is good with another person. But it was pretty good when it was just me. I’m not gonna act like that wasn’t tight. I knocked it out, you guys, sometimes still do. We got any masturbators here? (audience cheering) Thanks for takin’ a break, comin’ out. (audience laughing) I appreciate your sacrifice. Let’s all just do one of these while we’re here. (audience laughing)

I love my boyfriend. (gagging) Oh god, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry. I have to say that for the joke, but I also want you to know that I am sorry. I love my boyfriend, I’ve told him so. I definitely told him that I loved his dick first. And then about three months passed and then I said it to the rest of his body. (audience laughing) That’s weird, right? What happened in those three months? I guess some ambiguity got cleared up that I never felt about his penis. His penis, I was like, yep, for sure. And then him, I was like, let’s hangout a few more times. (audience laughing) I have follow up questions. My boyfriend loves that joke. He’s always like, Are you gonna tell the joke about how my dick is good? (audience laughing) I’m like, It’s not a joke about how your dick is good. It’s a joke about how I wasn’t sure you’re not a serial killer. (audience laughing) I’m never sure, I’m always so cautious at the beginning of a new relationship. Just because everyone I know is dating the worst person I’ve ever met. (audience laughing) Anyone else here know someone who’s dating someone horrible? Yes, you’re being a little quiet about it. Are you here with them? I get it, you can never say a word.

And I don’t trust myself not to be that person in the terrible relationship. I know for a fact I’m that person. I dated a guy who went to mime school for two and a half years. (audience laughing) And he broke up with me, I didn’t even get out of that on my own. He broke up with me before he graduated. (audience laughing) And I still went to his graduation. Because I wanted to be the bigger person. I wanted to be supportive, go watch him accept that invisible diploma. (audience laughing) And I was talking to my best friend on my way over there and she was like, Emily, don’t go to that. You know his new girlfriend’s gonna be there, don’t you think you’re gonna be jealous? I was like, you remember I said I’m going to his mime school graduation, right? (audience laughing) I think my jealousy’s gonna be under control. I don’t think I’m gonna be sitting there looking at her goin’, Oh, you lucky bitch, I wish I was takin’ that striped mother fucker home tonight. No, listen, if you want to get over someone, and I mean like really thoroughly get over them, go to their mime school graduation… (audience laughing) If you get a chance, that was like getting an hour long pat on the back from a white gloved hand. (audience laughing) Just gently saying to me, You are better off. Well, not saying it. (audience laughing) It took all my strength too not to just shout out in the middle of the whole thing, Hey, why don’t you do the one where you’re a… trapped in an unhappy relationship. (audience laughing) Why don’t you do the one where you’re… Stringing someone along for two and a half years. You’re good at that one. (audience cheering) Thank you. I’ll accept your applause. A lot of work went into that joke. A lot of work, not just writing it or practicing it, or honing it in front of audiences. It was the two and a half years of dating someone who wasn’t even a mime yet. (audience laughing) You’re like, I’ve earned an applause break on that one, that’s all.

All that is to say I’m cautious now. But the signs are good with my current boyfriend. There are no red flags, he’s friends with all his ex girlfriends, which I actually take as a great sign. It means he didn’t serial kill them. (audience laughing) They’re all still around, walking, talking, vouching for him. That’s important to me. Honestly, the only thing I don’t like about that is I do think that sets a very unfair precedent for me for how mature he expects me to be when we break up. And that is not gonna happen, I am going to burn his house down. I don’t care if he breaks up with me or I break up with him, I am burning it to the ground. I love him, he’s so nice, I’m burning it to the ground. We just moved in together, I don’t have a back up plan on where to live. But I do have renters insurance. (audience laughing)

I’ll be honest with you, I don’t understand how people stay friends with their exes after a breakup. It’s like, why would you wanna stay friends with the one person who knows what’s really wrong with you, right? Put the person on a rocket ship to the moon, I don’t need to see them ever again. I definitely don’t need them hangin’ around in my life, ready to warn all the new people I’m tryin’ to trick. (audience laughing) That’s not a liability I can afford. I’m not that good of a person.

My boyfriend and I, we did move in together. We’re also not planning on ever getting married or having kids, so this is it, we did it. (audience cheering) (audience applauding) It’s very anticlimactic. Like, have you ever fallen asleep on an airplane and then woken up as it’s landing? Like, oh, are we here? That’s how I feel in my relationship everyday. (audience laughing) It’s great, but it is literally unceremonious. There will not be a ceremony. And it’s weird that I’m gonna be calling him my boyfriend forever. ‘Cause I’m not gonna break up with him, he’s definitely not gonna break up with me. He’s heard that last joke. So that means that if all goes to plan, at some point, I’m gonna have a 70 year old boyfriend. He’s 68 now. (audience laughing) But like, I already feels childish to call him that, but there aren’t really good alternatives. I want people to take our relationship seriously. Boyfriend doesn’t communicate that, but I’m not gonna call him my partner. We’ve never played tennis or closed a deal. (audience laughing) We’re not that active. I’m not gonna call him my lover, that doesn’t tell people we’re committed, it just tells them we don’t use condoms. (audience laughing) Soulmate I actually like, it’s very spooky, very Halloweeny, I like that. But the problem is, I don’t think it applies to us. I don’t think he’s my soulmate. I’m sorry if that makes you sad. I just kind of think in order to be soulmates, you have to at least have the same opinion about Star Wars, and my boyfriend’s opinion is that it’s not that boring. So, oh my god, we are not soulmates because those movies are so boring, oh my god, oh. And if this is the point in the show where I’ve lost you, good riddance, nerd. (audience laughing) Oh my god, I don’t care. I will die on this hill.

I met my boyfriend online, that’s where I do all my shopping. (audience laughing) I have Amazon Prime too, so it was like two days, so fast. I’m kidding, of course, it took forever and I met a million monsters, it was the worst. It was like trying to meet Super Mario, it was just like monster after monster after monster. Just like, turtle, mushroom, lizard, just like over and over and over again, until I eventually found the princess. I call him princess now, he’s fine with it. Are the nerds back? Anyway. (audience laughing)

I think the weirdest reaction that I get though is when I introduce my boyfriend to one of my friends and they find out that we met online, they’re always like, You met him online? He’s so normal, you won the lottery. I’m always like, How dare you? Because I did online dating for years before I met him. Winning the lottery takes one day, no skill. That analogy does not properly honor my resilience. Do you have any idea how many men’s opinions I had to listen to before I met him? (audience laughing) How many conversations I had about Quentin Tarantino? It was just one conversation, but I had it a hundred times. (audience laughing) And it ended the same way every time, with me saying, Yeah, I haven’t seen that one either. (audience laughing) And that’s just once you get to the date. Before the date there’s the profiles and the messages. When you are a straight woman online dating, you just have to read a bunch of personal essay by unaccomplished men. (audience laughing) It’s the worst book club you’ve ever joined. (audience laughing) Not one of them has done a single thing to earn a minute of your attention. So no, I didn’t win the lottery, that doesn’t describe my experience. What happened was I ate at a restaurant that gave me food poisoning everyday for years. And then one day I tried the pasta and it was fine. (audience laughing) And I was like, Oh, I guess this is what I’m ordering now. I might get bored of this eventually, but I cannot risk it on another menu item… (audience laughing) At this point in my life.

I don’t want you guys leaving here thinking I hate men. I want you leaving here knowing it for sure. (audience laughing) And you know, usually I feel like I need to justify that further, but you read the news, you get it. (audience laughing) But the truth is, I feel like I escaped from online dating relatively unscathed compared to other people. I never got harassed, I never got assaulted. Only one guy I went out with ended up being a DJ. (audience applauding) I know you guys believe me, but sometimes there are people who don’t. And so I always feel the need to back up what I’m saying with some evidence. So I did bring a little bit of an exhibit A, just in case you were wondering what we’re really up against out there. I’m gonna read to you a real message that I got on the dating website OkCupid. Yeah, the women know what’s coming. (audience laughing) I’m not gonna preface it because I don’t know how to. (audience laughing) I’m just going to tell you that this real. I know I have to say that because people have come up to me after shows and been like, Oh my god, how did you come up with that? No. (audience laughing) I wish this didn’t happen to me. This is a real message that a human being sent to me, another human being, on the dating website OkCupid. Hello Ma’am. (audience laughing) Okay, I feel like we’re all in agreement about that being like a rough start, yeah? It’s somehow both polite and so rude. (audience laughing) Hello Ma’am, great pics, I love it. Can I be your errand boy or human dog? (audience laughing) I am good with content writing, designing basic websites, doing a bit of photography, video editing, house cleaning, doing errands, light cooking, and I am also fine with racial humiliation, et cetera. (audience laughing) Okay, so I don’t know about you guys, but for me personally, racial humiliation is the only item on that list where I don’t know what an et cetera means after it. (audience laughing) And it’s the only one that got one. He could of put that etcetera anywhere else in that paragraph, I would have been fine. Designing basic website, etcetera. Okay, he knows HTML, maybe a little bit of Photoshop, I get that. By the way, I’m not okay with racial humiliation. There is no way I’m cool with the et cetera that comes after it. (audience laughing) Unless it stands for apologizing for the racial humiliation. I don’t like the way he phrased that either. I am also fine with racial humi. Like I brought it up. (audience laughing) Like that’s my deal breaker we’re negotiating on. I’d also just like to point out none of these are things a human dog would do. (audience laughing) He promised me human dog, why is he offering to write me content? (audience laughing) He should drink out of a bowl with his tongue. That’s all I’m saying. (audience cheering) The next paragraph is just a marvel of the English language. I have lived in LA for two years, but now I am back and want to move back to LA. (audience laughing) Where do you live, Bro? I mean, I know it’s a van, but where is it parked? (audience laughing) I can probably get a job. (audience laughing) Women love confidence, he knows this. I can probably get a job and you can control my paychecks and money. (audience laughing) Please consider, GK. So I wrote him back. (audience laughing) What, am I not gonna write him back? Do you guys wanna hear what I wrote him back? (audience cheering) Do you guys wanna hear what I wrote him back? (audience cheering) Okay. Okay. Hey Man, I’m in.

Thank you, Seattle, it’s been so great being here. (audience cheering) Have a great night.

(upbeat music)


Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Read More

Access Our Archive
of Stand-Up Transcripts

Weekly Magazine

Get the best articles once a week directly to your inbox!