Eddie Izzard: Force Majeure Live (2013) | Transcript

Force Majeure (French) (pronounced: fors mah-ZHur), "superior force", "chance occurrence, unavoidable accident": 2 years and 27 countries, Force Majeure Live was filmed during Eddie's mammoth 2013/2014 tour and takes you on a truly hilarious journey, offering a rare glimpse in to the mind of the master of surrealism.
Eddie Izzard: Force Majeure Live (2013)

London. Otherwise it would be a little bit tricky. But it’s nice to just have 50 seconds of people going, “Oh, fucking hell. Oh, no.”

It’s good to be back with you tonight here in this… In this intimate aircraft hangar, I think you will agree. Treat it as my own bedroom, if you wish, or your own bedroom, or just, you know, just relax and chill out. Where shall we start the show tonight? Human sacrifice! There’s a good place. Always gets a bit of a cheer. ‘Cause we used to do it, didn’t we? We know we used to do it. It’s dropped off a lot since the ’50s. But we used to do it. We used to sacrifice men and women for gods. That’s what we did. At least we didn’t sacrifice men and women for other men and women. We weren’t that bad. We just killed each other. That’s a different thing, isn’t it? That’s just pure bloody murder. But we weren’t as bad as people going, “Oh, I like spoons. I’d like to get more spoons. Maybe if I kill Steve, I’ll get more spoons. I wish I did logic at school. Steve, are you busy?”

“I’m just going down the funfair to stick my head in the candyfloss machine and get a big pink afro.”

“It’s a very weird joke.”

“Well, I’ve changed it every night up to here and never got a laugh.”

“That one’s a keeper, Steve. Come back in, come back in and let me know you better, young man. Oh, Dickens. Now…”

Some people got that.

“Stick your head on that tree stump, will you?”


“Well, you know, how we measure horses by hands and they are 17 hands high? We measure trees in head heights being 53 head… It’s new. Metric we’re calling it. Just stick your head right next to the tree stump, and then on the tree stump…”

Charles I. Charles I was a king of England. He was what we call a dick-head king. 1649 that punch line comes from. Very rarely used in stand-up comedy today. Charles I claimed the kingships of England, Scotland, Wales, and Ireland. And he said he was appointed by God. We cut his head off, nothing happened, so apparently not. If he had been appointed by God, his execution would have sounded like this. Fa-boing! Fa-boing! Fa-bing! Fa-bing! Fa-boing! Fa-boing! “Hang on. Think he’s appointed by God, lads.”

It was a time when people had all that long hair. He started that. He put a King Charles Spaniel on his head.


And you could see all the courtiers, “Oh, what a wonderful idea, My King. Your hair can hear.”

“Yes, it has long flappy ear things.”

“Shall I throw it a cough-drop? There we go.”

“Oh, quick, get a poodle, get a poodle. “l have a poodle on my head, see, I have a poodle.”

“Damn, he has better hair than me.”

“l have a Pekingese, sir.”

“l have a dachshund, it’s a bit of a throw.”

“I’ve got a St Bernard on my head, it’s not really worked out.”

He caused… I am making light of King Charles I and his execution, but he did cause up to 200,000 people to die in the bloodiest wars that we had ever had. There was not one English Civil War, there were two English Civil Wars. It was him and Cromwell, that time, and Cromwell’s coming in. Cromwell was saying, “One person, one vote. Well, okay, one man, one vote. Well, one man with cash, one vote.”

He was solid with his ideas. So, Charlie One was not appointed by God. I think we can… There’s an outside chance that he was appointed by God, but if, and only if, on the day of his execution and his demise, God was up in Heaven going, “Delete, delete, delete, delete. Love, Charlie One. XOXOXO. Send. Shit, what’s the password? Jesus, what’s the password?”

“I can’t remember, Dad, I can’t, I don’t know.”

“You’re the one that knows all this technical stuff. That’s why I keep you around.”

“I don’t, I can’t remember, Dad. I had such a blinding night last night, I can’t remember.”

“Jesus Christ!”

That’s where it started. It must have started there, yeah? The first father to say “Jesus Christ” through clenched teeth. Jesus Christ. Oh, what’s the time, what’s the time? It’s Charlie One is… Go and give Charlie… Oh, God, the globe’s in the wrong place. Hang on. There’s Ethiopia, where are we? Belize, hang on. England, don’t kill Charlie One, this is… Don’t kill Charlie One, this is God… This is the Mysterons. Don’t kill…”


“You bastard!”

“Sorry, Charlie, got these new iPads, they are very good, couldn’t get… Jesus… You look great. You look like an astronaut. Do you want an iPad? It’s really good, you can use them on the toilet, they’re great.”

But this was 1649, right, and this is 450 years after the Magna Carta, the signing of the Magna Carta, 1215, just before lunchtime, which was when the beginnings of democracy coming back to Europe after the Greeks and the Romans had had a go. Bad King John was forced by the barons of England to sign the Magna Carta, which is Latin for “Big Card, if you hadn’t thought about it. Sign the Big Card.”

“We can’t call it a Big Card.”

“Magna Carta.”

“Much better.”

“Dear barons of England…”

If you don’t know, bad King John was bad because he was a crap king as well, but he just smelt of sandwiches and was poor at kicking the ball into the goal. He’d get to the goal and go… And it would go that way, which is probably most of us. Just me then. Okay. I have this problem, I get up to… I was good in the middle, you know, what’s it called, mid-field, and… No, it’s years, 13… I was 13 when I last played a big game of football anyway, so I was good and I would get up there, get the ball and the ball… I’d be so keen in front… “Get it in the… Kick it, just kick it.”

Does anyone else have this one? “Just kick it.”


“You fucking idiot, Izzard!”

So I didn’t, I’d just assist.

“You do it, you nut it in.”

King John going, “Have you finished? I was doing the Magna Carta.”

“I’m sorry, I was just reminiscing.”

“Yeah, well, I’m signing the bloody thing here. Explain about me.”

“Yes, I was, yes.”

So this is bad King John, barons of England, have a go.

“What are you, the referee?”

“And play ball.”

“Dear barons of England, I’m terribly sorry I missed all your birthdays.”

“And you promise to hand over some of your power in the beginnings of democracy.”

“And I promise to hand over some of my power in the beginning of democracy.”

“And you always play the bad guy in the Robin Hood movies.”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake. Who’s going to play good guy?”

“Sean Connery play good guy.”

Yes, as you can hear, he’s in tonight. Sean Connery played in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, Richard the Lionheart. My God, we had a king called Richard the Lionheart, the greatest… I think one of the greatest English kings that’s ever been going. Great in battle, there’s a statue of him outside the Houses of Parliament, born in Oxford, fought all the fights, fought against Saladin in the Third Crusades, good-looking, played the banjo, good at football. The David Beckham of kings, right? Revered by the English, as English as English pie and he spoke French.

In interviews, “You’re King Richard the Lionheart?”

“Oui, hello, I very much excitement, I’m very pleased. Good morning.”

“Are you King of England?”

“Oh, yes, oui, I am, hello, good morning. Bonjour, I… England… I like it very much, I like you people, you are crazy.”

“And you live there?”

“No, I live in France.”

“Why do you live in France?”

“Oh, lovely weather and the wine, you know.”

“But you’re good at fighting?”

“I’m a very good fighter, I could kill you, I could kill that guy, I could kill that rat, you know, I just kill them very quickly.”

“Did you like the battle today?”

“Very good battle, I thought, I thought we were good in the second half, I felt, you came in. Saladin, very good manager of his team, they’re Muslims. They fought very well, you know, I have a lot of respect for him. We shook hands at the end of the game and…”

“Maybe we should make peace, you know, because we’re both Abrahamic faiths, it’s a bit insane to murder each other, but hopefully these wars will sort of tail off within about two or three years. Or if not, a thousand years. Or if not, they’ll just keep going and then we’ll blow up.”

“Do you know some English songs?”

“Oh, sure. Sur le pont d’Avignon… Here’s one.”

Maybe it’s because I’m an Oxforder.

That’s true, that is, he spoke hardly any English. And 300 years we had those kings. But this is Richard the Lionheart. What a name to get! Because we had kings like Edward the Confessor, I think that was me, sorry about that.”

Ethelred the Unready, “What, now?”

Steve the Stupid, “I don’t know.”

Kenny the Collapsible, “I could fit in a bag.”

And Roger the Rotund, “I’ve eaten a pig.”

There are lions not even called Lionheart. There are lions called, “I am just called Lenny.”

“Lenin, like the, like the Russian guy?”

“No, Lenny, Lenny, Lenny the Lion.”

“I thought Lenin the Lion, that would be quite fun.”

“What’s your name?”

“I’m Steve.”

“There’s quite a lot of Steves in this show.”

“Yes, yes, he doesn’t like thinking up new names. Lenny is quite unusual.”

“It’s actually Lenin, I’ve just changed it to Lenin actually.”

“Oh, it’s quite a mobile show?”

“Yes, yes. I’m… I’ve got a lion’s heart.”

“I’ve got a duck’s heart.”

“Oh, and for why?”

“I swapped it with a duck in a poker game.”

“Any disadvantages?”


“But I’m good at bobbing for apples.”

“You didn’t even know you were going to say that, did you?”

“No, I didn’t. I was going to say something else and it did tumble from my mouth.”

“You realise we both have the same accent?”

“Oh, yes, that’s not good. That’s not good at all.”

“No, it isn’t.”

Now, this is interesting. Richard the Lionheart was a king during the 300 years from William the Conqueror to Henry V when in England we had the French-speaking kings, right? So French was the kingly language, French was the judiciary language and the bishops’ language, you know, the religious language, and everyone was writing it down and saying how it should be spelt. Anglo-Saxon English was free, it was like a slang language. No-one was writing anything down. We were the lifters and carriers going, “Would you like another sausage? All right, here’s another sausage for Frenchy here, all right, come on then, more sausages, they love their sausages.”

And in that time, in those 300 years we got rid of the masculine and feminine of the words.

Someone in that 300 years said, “Hey, guys, guys, see this spoon? From now on, let’s call it a spoon.”

“But is it a masculine or a feminine spoon?”

“A fucking spoon, Steve! Just get a grip, man!”

“Well, surely it must be a neutered one?”

“It’s just a fucking spoon.”

“But if the spoon owns a dog, would it be the dog of the spoon? If the spoon is sent away on an errand, would it be going to the place or away from the spoon, of the spoon?”

“It’s a fucking spoon!”

“But how will we know on the…”

“Just put words around it to tell us which way the spoon is going.”

“And what if there’s more than one?”

“Then we put an ‘S’ on the end. Spoons? That’s when it happened. No one knows who did it. Somewhere in there, they just said, “It’s just a spoon, come on, get a grip.”

And that’s why it’s taken over. It’s no longer our language, I would say, we have given it to the world. It is the language of Shakespeare, yes, but it’s the language of rock ‘n’ roll, the language of Hollywood, the language of Australia, and English is no longer an invasionary language. That’s very interesting, isn’t it? We used to invade with it, we used to go and say, “Hello, we’ve come with guns and flags. I see you haven’t got any of these. What we’d really like is your raw materials. How about that?”

“I assume you are saying, ‘Yes, help yourself’.”

“We’re just going to dig all this out of the ground. Yes, raw minerals. Very good, yes. On a wheelbarrow. Now stand back please or I’ll hit you with a shovel. All right, there we go. Now, goodbye, we’ll see you every five seconds for the rest of time.”

Romans, you know, they used Latin as an invasionary language. Caesar was going round going, “We take over all of this France and now we go to Britannia. Okay, hello, Britannia. We got the big hats and the big gear and what you got?”

“We got stones and ‘V’ signs.”

“These are not very good, okay, we’re going to take over your place, that’s what we’re going to do. You have two choices here, you join us or you die.”

“Multiple choice, I like that. D.”

“No, no, no, no, it’s two choices.”

“You join us or you die.”

“Oh, I don’t want to die.”

“Well then, you join us.”

“I’d rather not.”

“Then you die!”

“I don’t want to die.”

“You’ve got to choose one or the other.”


“Why do you say Switzerland? There is no Switzerland. I don’t know what you mean.”

“Just… Okay, tell me what improvements you will make in our town if you come in.”

“Okay, we take your town, you see all these houses here, these little mud huts and stuff, and then we’ll flatten them and we’ll put a great big aqueduct through and then there will be a lot of water coming into your town and then going straight out to the next town and you’ll have no water but it will drip down, trickle-down effect, trickle down.”

“‘Water, water everywhere, not a drop to drink.’ Okay?”

“So basically you’re fascist plumbers, are you?”


But I like the Buddhists. The Buddhists they believe in the real guy, it’s a philosophy, not a religion. They believe in Geoff Buddha, real bloke. And you can’t tell whether he is a big lad or a trim lad because in India all the Buddhas are trim Jims, yeah, and all the Chinese Buddhas are big lads, so I assume he started in India going, “I have many ideas. We must head towards enlightenment and being awake and awakening, head to Nirvana and see their gigs and then come back, okay?”

“This is what… It is a new way, control your ego. These are very… I like this food as well, it’s really good. Another two naans please and one grandmother, thank you. Come, let us go to China. Bring this food.”

“Well, how much of it?”

“All of it.”

So that’s what happened. So if you want to become a Buddhist monk, you can do it, anyone can do it. You go from unenlightened…


To first level of enlightenment… “Oh!”

Then red belt, green belt, brown belt, black belt.

“Ow, for fuck’s sake.”

Then you become a Buddhist monk and you shave your head and you’ll look like Yul Brynner and you’ll wear orange, which is a difficult colour to wear. But everyone in Holland wears it and hard-line Protestants in Northern Ireland. It’s the Axis of Bizarreness. It’s a wife-swapping programme just waiting to happen. And then you are a Buddhist monk, you’re enlightened, you are achieving nirvana and live in a monastery high on the mountains and you have a big gong and you hit it. And all the other Buddhists come running in, “Is it lunch?”

“No, I just hit the gong.”

“Well, what does it signify?”

“Every time I hit a gong a Buddhist monk gets his wings.”

“That was another film, I don’t know what he’s on about.”

But they control their ego and it doesn’t help us against the fascists. They go round flame-throwing, murdering with guns. And if a Buddhist monk wishes to complain against extremists, he sets fire to himself. I think the Nazis just go, “Well, that’s what we were going to do, so thanks for saving us the petrol.”

So it’s okay to have an ego, that’s what I think, you know, most of us have egos. President Lincoln in 1861 in America said, “The better angels of our nature”.

We’re trying to get our egos to dovetail, I think that’s what it is and as a performer you need to have an ego. I need to bound on stage and say, “Three men went into a pub, Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman, Welshman, “Chinese man, Venezuelan man, Burgundian crossbowman, two kippers, a banana, and a helicopter went into a pub, and the landlord said, ‘What the fuck’s going on?’ ‘It’s an Izzard joke, I don’t know.’ ‘I’m not serving the helicopter.’ ‘You bastard!'”

All right, forget that. Now you know these arenas? I have played a fair few arenas in my time and Wembley was one of the first ones I played, in London Wembley Arena, and I remember, I played it about 12 times and I went there recently to watch Jesus Christ Superstar. A musical, yeah, and I went to watch that and… Wembley Arena, and afterwards I get in a taxi, back in 45 minutes out of the centre and taxi-driver, Asian British taxi-driver said, “Where would you like to go?”

“I would like to go back to Piccadilly, please.”

“No problem.”

“And how will we get there, my good man?”

“In my car, I have a car attached to the steering wheel, you see. Do you not understand the principles of mime?”

So we drive off into town and we’re chatting away and when we get to Piccadilly he says, “Right, now, will you be going back to Wembley?”

And I thought, “My God,” my ego kicked in at this point and I thought, I’m getting through to the Asian community. He knows how many times I’ve played Wembley.”

I went off on one and I said, “Yes, I think I will be going back to Wembley, thank you for the question. I think I have to go back to Wembley, don’t you? I struggled so hard to get there.”

“Was it traffic?”

“In some ways I think I will forever be going back to Wembley.”

There’ll always be a Wembley And he was going, “Well, here’s my card. I’m working till 3:00 am. this morning, I can give you a lift back, you see.”

“Oh, tonight? No, no, no, I don’t live there.”

“What were you talking about?”

“The demons, they come in my mind, I… What part of Wales are you from? I’m from Swansea actually. My mother’s from Swansea, my father from Mumbai. I am an Indian Welsh person and my accent is somewhere in between the two, don’t you know, boyo? Probably, I understand. Cooking is very difficult. Would you like a steering wheel?”

“I am fine, thank you, I’ve just eaten, thank you all the same.”

So in Wembley I went to see Jesus Christ Superstar, and it’s a musical and I don’t know musicals. I’m an action transvestite. I don’t know what they are on about. I know action movies, I know Die Hard one, two, three, four, five is it now? Terminator one, two, three. I know those films. I put on make-up, I go out and I fight things, not actually, but in my mind, you know? Fuck, lipstick’s everywhere, you know? You know the problems. I’d go watch Die Hard: The Musical. Yippee ki-ay, motherfucker Yippee ki-ay, motherfucker Yippee ki-ay I’m in the Nakatomi Towers Nakatomi Towers My wife’s downstairs and there’re some terrorists there And one of them is kind of German But probably not ’cause we’ve done that before And Alan Rickman does a very good American accent But musicals it seems to me they can be about anything, they’ve just got to be upbeat and people have got to win in the end and you just sing,

I’ve lost my trousers
He’s lost his trousers
Where can they go, where have they gone
Walked away
They walked away in the night
Was it a thief
Or were they burnt in a fire
Or did mice steal them
Put them on their heads
Look like Big Ears and run away
And they felt they were dogs in the night
Oh, I don’t know
He’ll have to go to Trouser Mountain
Trouser Mountain, go to Trouser Mountain
Yeah, get a new pair of trousers

He’ll go to Trouser Mountain and there… Anything, as long as it ends upbeat and you get another bloody pair of trousers.


I’ve lost three legs
He’s lost three legs
How can that be?
He’s only got two to start with
He’s lost, he’s lost one more than is possible
He’s got a negative number of legs
That’s impossible
Unless he’s a mathematician
No, he’s a spider, a spider
He started with eight and ended up with only five using basic mathematics
Five legs, that’s okay
Most of us have two, but he’s got five
So what’s he crying about in his soup
Pull off one more, he’ll have four
That’ll look pretty good
No, there’s four down one side
And one on the other
And if you pull that one off
He’ll just go over
Need to go to Wheel Mountain
To get a wheel on the other side

You’ve probably heard these musicals before. They… Thank you for that small round of applause, but it… Music makes you applaud, you know. Comedy doesn’t, comedy, you just go, “Okay, fuck it.”

Whereas music could be, I’ve lost cheese down my trousers My monkey’s made of Spam My brother lives in a helicopter And he eats out of a can I’ve got no knees, I’ve got no cheese I’ve got no monkeys except in a breeze And when things go… As long as it vaguely rhymes. Cheese comes up… Then Sellotape your head to the back of a chair I haven’t finished yet. And then we’ll die It was a bit of a weird last line, wasn’t it? That’s not in most musicals, “And then we’ll die”.

Dye your hair bright green and… Okay, let’s go. It’s not going to get better than that. No, I was watching Jesi-quesi Superstary and it’s a religious story and, yes, he’s in tonight and… It’s a religious story, but I think it’s a secular version with Tim Rice’s lyrics, it’s almost the Judas story, not Jesi-quesi Superstar, but Judi-crusi Superstar, with Judas going, “Come on, Jesus, let’s get the fascists, man, they’re fascist plumbers, they do things with the water that’s illegal.

“Stop washing your hair.”

“I got to wash my hair, man.”


“I can’t remember any wi-fi passcodes and I got to wash my hair. I don’t know, it’s got two in one.”

“We could give that to the poor.”

“They don’t want to wash their hair.”

“Can’t say that, you’re a big twit.”

And that bit when Pontius Pilate… Who was a pilot, by the way. He flew for the Romans, you know, flew bald-headed eagles and once flew one straight through a toupee factory with obvious consequences.

“Can’t fucking see, man, fucking hair in my eyes.”

A Hobbit’s going, “Look, the eagles, the eagles…”

“You all right, mate?”

“I couldn’t see, got hair in my eyes.”

“Is that your hair?”

“No, I got it at the toupee factory.”

That’s in the second version of Lord of the Rings. Lord of the Rings: The Hairy Eagles. Back to the Jesi-quesi the musical, it’s about the father/son sacrifice and human sacrifice was the other way round. We used to do it, if I can route all the way back to the beginning. We used to kill people for gods, ’cause gods love praise. Oh, they do. Oh, they do. All prayers are full of praise. “Dear God, Thou art amazing, Thou art stunning.

“I love what You are wearing, I assume, because I can’t see it. Thou did build a world, Thou did make it round and didn’t tell anyone, And the Spanish Inquisition, it was so inquisitive, hopefully You got some good information out of that that You can use in Guantanamo Bay. For Thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory, the cheese and the cheeseboard, the fish and the fingers.”

And then hymns are just more of the same, the singing version, Hallelujah, hallelujah Praise God until your tongue explodes Till your knees drop off Till your eyes go wonky in your head Praise and praise him And God must be up there every Sunday going… “They love us down there.”

“Louder, louder, louder!”

“Put a backbeat in! Where are the gospel singers? Do Kumbaya. Do you do requests? Jesus, come on! Holy Ghost! Angel Gabriel.”

So why the hell were we killing people because people have to do all the praising? It doesn’t make any sense. It’s immoral, it’s illogical and it takes a hell of a lot of cleaning up with a Dyson. Here’s the logic. Crops used to fail in the old days, people thought the gods were in charge of anything. They’d say, “The gods hate us, we must please the gods.”

“Let’s do a dance for the gods.”

Logical. Sing a song, We love you… Logical. Carve a love-heart in the sand. Logical. Bake him a cake. Logical. But what bloody right-wing extremist said, “The crops have failed, the gods hate us, let’s kill Steve!”

What the fuck was all that about? These are the things that I would have argued as I was being dragged off to be sacrificed. “Don’t kill me, I’m a praiser. No, I’m good at it, I’m a loudmouth. Get the quiet people first. Get the librarians, they’re all…”

And it was always virgins, wasn’t it? And so if we were all in the tribe and they were sacrificing virgins and we were virgins, we would do something about it, wouldn’t we? We would fuck each other. Fuck a friend and save a life. Boys would use it as a pick-up line.

“Janine, we’re good friends, aren’t we? Have you heard of the fuck-a-friend programme? Come on, Janine. Come on, Janine Birds do it. Birds do it, bees do it, not together, that’s illegal.”

It was always the priests that were doing all the sacrificing, dragging up virgins, “Come on, we must sacrifice these two virgins right now. We can do it. And then the gods… Hey! Stop that, stop it, stop. Damn.”

“Well, they were virgins then… All right, get a tent, thank you.”

“Look, I’ve got a hundred lined up outside, they’re all virgins, so we can sacrifice… Stop it, stop that. Bugger! Shouldn’t have made them stand in a circle, I suppose.”

That’s your joke, that’s your joke, I didn’t say anything. I just gave you a mathematical symbol. There was always the priest with the big hats, the long dresses, bone through their nose, early transvestites from the dark side.

“Come on, you must…”

“Why must I?”

“‘Cause you didn’t do it.”

“l was up for doing it.”

“It’s all about timing, kid.”

“No, that’s comedy.”

“That’s true. The secret of comedy and human sacrifice.”

“How are you killing me?”

“Using the traditional method.”

“Did you use to play the xylophone?”

“A little bit, a little bit.”

“Is that a rolling pin you’re using?”

“It is a rolling pin.”

“What am I? Puff pastry?”

“Somewhat like it.”

Ah! Ooh!

“Good luck, God, you great big invisible bastard.”

And goats as well.

“Come on, you goats.”

“What the hell did we do?”

“You know what you did.”

“Look, I’m not in a relationship with you. Just tell me what I did, all right, just be precise.”

“Well, you look like the devil, that’s why.”

“No, we look like the Roman god Bacchus, and then when Constantine took the Romans into Christianity, they were all scratchy about the god of partying and getting it on, so we were demonised because we had little pointy bits coming out of our heads. But elk have got an entire coat rack coming out either side of their heads, and that’s just fine and dandy.”

“Look, these are facts. I’m a fascist, I don’t know about facts. Don’t you know the three rules of fascism? Make shit up, scream it loudly, then kill people.”

Hitler came up with the Jewish Bolshevik conspiracy. Now you’ve heard this many times, it was screamed out in Nazi Germany for many years, it’s garbage from the beginning to the end. The Jewish people demonised, ’cause they were supposed to be all about money and the Bolsheviks were hated, ’cause they were not into money. What? What the hell did they have a conspiracy about, disagreeing? That’s just garbage, just like the Nazis going on, “It’s the farmer astronaut conspiracy. Can you not see how the farmers, they plough the fields with the oxen and they lay the seeds and then the astronauts… Can you not see the links? The dog helicopter conspiracy. Every time a helicopter lands, dogs go… They are talking to the helicopters. The sock banana conspiracy. They almost look the same. And a banana can get inside a sock, but not the other way round.”

So many goats have died throughout the years. Think about the guy and his Prodigal Son. “My Prodigal Son has returned, he has prodded everything. Have you finished prodding?”

“l have prodded everything, Father.”

“And what have you learned?”

“Some people are spongy. “And some people you can dent your finger on.”

“Well, we will celebrate, we will slaughter a lamb and slaughter a goat and slaughter the next-door neighbours.”

It’s just too much slaughtering, what was this? Most goats die badly, don’t they? Very few goats die in their beds surrounded by their families, drinking a glass of Stella Artois, like in the advert. So there should be hundreds of thousands of goat ghosts. No one’s ever seen one. And then there’s cow ghosts. Cows have been turned into beef burgers so many times, they even talk like ghosts when they are alive. The Meatpacking District in New York, they were slaughter-houses before, now they are hotels and restaurants, completely gentrified. In the same buildings where cows for decades, if not centuries, walked in going, “Yes, I was talking to Daisy and… Oh, my God!”

People should be in those hotels going, “Get these cows out of my room, man, they’re ghostly cows. I don’t know what they’re doing. One of them broke into the mini-bar and he drank all the milk, man. That’s like cannibalism. Get it out of here. And the Chicken Caesar Salad, thank you.”

Do you think Caesar’s a bit pissed off that chicken is now mentioned before him? When Caesar died did he go, “Et tu, Brute”? Or did he go, “Make a salad out of me, but don’t let a chicken come before me in the title.”

Unless they knew each other and worked together. Unless Caesar was going, “Okay, we take over all these places. I am a ruthless politician, I know not much about attacking and all these things. What do we do now? We are going into France? Vercingetorix, he’s a strong leader, what do I do? Mark Antony, tell me.”

“Okay, move my troops in.”

“Okay, surround them.”

“Set up fortifications.”

“Okay, what if other people come from the other side to help them?”

“A second line of fortifications around the first?”

“That will be the Battle of Alesia?”

“Wow! Now keep wearing the helmet, otherwise people will know you’re a chicken, yeah? You look good in this stuff. How are the new electronic legs working?”


I don’t know much about ghosts. I think ghosts have to be a troubled soul that dies in a tragic way, then they appear at the window of a ghostly house going, “Where is my lover, my lover has left me. Heathcliff, where have you gone? You’ve left Aberdeen and gone to Yorkshire to marry the Bronte sisters and hang out with Branwell who’s like a pickle, I think. He’s had so much opium, what can I do? I’ve taken up smoking since you’ve left. Will you come back to Scotland? No, I don’t know what to do. What shall I do?”

“I should take my forces down as far as Derby.”

“And put Bonnie Prince Charlie on the throne of England.”

“And he will be a Catholic.”

“You’re not a marriage guidance counsellor at all, are you?”

“But you have a certain thing about you. What’s your name?”

“Tony. “Tony. You’re quite fetching, aren’t you?”

“How’d you get hydraulics?”

“Too tricky to explain in this show.”

Okay, fear, if anyone is a more sensitive kind of person who suffers from fear or gets fear, you know, quite a lot, I have worked out how to kill fear. Fear, you know, can take over your mind and just paralyse you, but I know an emotion that can conquer fear and I found this out just by accident. It just came to me in an epiphany moment. Fear is very strong, as you know, and there is one emotion that can kill it and that is… Boredom. Think about it. You can’t be scared and bored. It’s impossible. I just discovered this. I don’t know what you can do with it, but you’ve got… Next time you’re somewhere spooky and you’re scared and going, “Where is everybody? Is anyone out there? Who is it? God, it’s so dark.”

In the paper-rock-scissors of life, boredom is stronger than fear. Fear causes diarrhoea. And diarrhoea puts the excitement back into boredom. You can’t have diarrhoea and be bored. It’s called Ethelred the Unready. That’s code in Accident and Emergency. You’re going, “No, it’s not. It could be.”

In emergency. “There’s an Ethelred the Unready coming.”

“Okay. Get the buckets. And the headgear.”

Now, if you are a religious person, that is cool, because I don’t believe in religion, but it could be out there, it could be out there hiding under a bucket or something, I don’t know, but there are some religious people still left in Europe. The Pope is not religious, he obviously said, “I don’t want to do this no more. I have left this thing, it’s crazy, I am leaving here now. Danke schön and auf Wiedersehen. “The Pope, out.”

He’s probably smoking cigars and driving the big fast cars. “I don’t fucking care anymore. Get out of the way. I’m an ex-Pope, I don’t care.”

Bear in mind, you can be religious all your life and you get to Heaven, there could be a Heaven, and you get there, God might not speak English. So you could get up there and go, “Hello, is this Heaven? I’ve tried to be good all my life. I hear that Heaven’s like a big spa. Is it nice, can I come in? Am I on the list, hello?”

“Oh, no!”

“I got a ‘D’ at school. Um… No, that’s not good. If l speak louder, do you understand me better? Don’t worry, I’ll just go to Hell, shall I? All my life trying to go to Heaven, now I’ve got to go to bloody Hell. All the time I tried to be good, get on Santa’s good list. Is this Hell? It’s got doors. Hello, is this Hell?”

“Yes, sir, this is Hell.”

“Thank God, you speak English.”

“Yes, the English run Hell, don’t you know, sir.”

“Now, I haven’t reserved, can I come in?”

“Well, we’re very busy at the moment, sir. Margaret Thatcher’s just come in, and she’s over there. So we’ll try and fit you in somewhere. Where would you like to sit?”

“Table by the fire?”

“They’re all by the fire, sir.”

“Yes, yes, yes.”

Experts now believe the only difference between Heaven and Hell is that in Heaven there are toilets and in Hell there are no toilets. You have to hold it in forever. Or there are those toilets without toilets. You know the ones that start pretty good with a nice piece of porcelain down here, and they get to that hole and instead of building it up a little, they just go, “Fuck it.”

And sometimes, in France sometimes, they are in cool places. Only five per cent of toilets in France like that, sometimes they have very cool toilets in France. You know, the ones with shared basins and everyone’s getting on very well but sometimes you could be in somewhere like Montmartre, centre of Paris, and everyone’s there with berets and dark glasses, and smoking Gitanes and drinking espresso.

“Someone’s stolen the toilet! There’s no toilet here.”

And then you look back, you think, “Oh, no, there’s a hole there. Oh, my God, maybe it is a toilet.”

And then you realise that it is a toilet, because you can see on either side of the hole the footprints of astronauts. And you go, “No, this is not good. This isn’t cool, guys. My iPad’s going to go straight in. You guys had a revolution, why are you doing this? It’s crazy.”

And they did. I’m telling them this in French. I said, “You had a revolution.”

1789, they stormed the Bastille, this famous fortress prison and they got all the prisoners out.

“Come on, you prisoners, you’re free. Libres! Come on.”

Imagine the prisoners blinking in the light. “What’s going on?”

“It is the revolution, my friend.”

“The King and Queen?”

“They are dead.”

“The aristocracy?”

“It has gone.”

“And the toilets?”

“Well, we are going to keep them the same.”

“We’re going to phase them out over the next million years.”

Oh, dear. But if a God did turn up, we’d want him to sound in a certain way. We’d want him to sound deep and throaty. If a God turned up and said, “I have returned. I have been away for many years, and now I am back. And you, you people of Europe, you do not go to church any more. What are you doing on a Sunday?”

“We are watching box sets of Scandinavian psycho-dramas.”

“Didn’t expect that answer.”

“Yes, Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, Fish with the Banana Haircut, The Cheese Sandwich That Ate Itself, Wallander Billander Ballander Gillander, The Girl With The Lumpy Jumper. “

“Right, well, I don’t know what to say to that, but now I have returned, will you come back to church?”

“We will not come back to church.”

“And why not?”

“Because your voice is too high. “You built us, you made us not trust the high-voiced people.”

This is true, isn’t it? We will not follow the high-voiced people into battle. “Come on! Have at thee, have at thee, have at thee, take that and that. Wait, where is everyone? Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more, Or close the wall up with our English dead! In peace there’s nothing so becomes a man As modest stillness and humility, But when the winds of war blow in our ears, Then imitate the actions of a tiger… Come on!”

“You go ahead, we’ll come in the next wave, second wave, all right? Gotta change my shoes, got the wrong heels on for war. All right, good luck. Right, Iet’s just go home, shall we?”

No, we want a God to sound more like this. “I am God. I have been away for many thousands of years. And now I have returned. And I have taken up scuba diving. ‘Cause I like to watch the little fishes as they come by… Oh, look there is a yellow one.”

And then the instructor goes, “No, that is Prinkippia Flintaltalus.”

He goes, “It looks like a yellow one to me.”

“But anyway, now I am hungry. I must go to the canteen and get some food.”

“Good woman, what food do you have here?”

“We have lots of food today in the canteen. We have salad nicoise, all the way from Nice. We have Cobb salad made entirely from male swans. We have chicken Caesar salad, very popular with chickens and ex-dictators. We have sausage, egg and chips and the enigma variations thereof. And we also have spaghetti alla carbonara.”

“Do I need a tray?”

“No, you do not need a tray. Trays have been banned in this canteen. Eight years ago there was a fight and many people died upon the floor. The day was only saved by Mr Stevens, Head of Catering. He did come into the fray and did pick up a tray, and immediately it fell out of his hands, because it was wet and he picked up another one and that one fell out of his hands, because it was wet, a third and a fourth fell from his hands. The fifth one he staple-gunned to his hand and then he went into action. Pang! Pang! Pang-pang! Pang! Sometimes with the edge of it. Even now people sing songs about that day.”

“Such as?”

Mr Stevens He fought like two demons Who were insane with a tray And he fought with a tray And he panged people in their face And panged them dead And panged them all around Mr Stevens He pangs people in the face He panged them to the left And he panged them to the right And if he ran at them straight on He’d do a forward pang Or he’d use the edge bit And that’s why we sing songs of Mr Stevens

“So I don’t need a tray then, I take it? What do you do with the food?”

“We’ll just pour it into your hands.”

“That’s a bit bloody weird. I will have the spaghetti alla carbonara.”

“No, that’s saved for Lord Vader.”

“Do you know who I am?”

“Not another bloody game of ‘who the fuck are you’? I don’t know, you are dressed as a scuba diver, so are you Simon the Scuba Diver?”

“No, I am God. God the chosen one, the self-choosing chosen one. The big cheese, the big kahuna, the numero uno, top banana. Have you heard of the Big Bang? I said go.”

“Look, all right, you’re obviously big into yourself. I’ll put your name on it all right, God, so if he doesn’t come in five minutes, you can have it. What’s your first name?”

“My first name? You want to know the first name of God? You want to know my first name? Do you want to know the first name of God? It’s Steve.”

“All right, Steve God, then you, this is… Oh, Lord Vader.”

“Who are you?”

“I am God. Who are you?”

“I am Vader.”

“I want spaghetti alla carbonara.”

“So do I.”

“Bloody hell! Mr Stevens, Head of Catering.”

Pang! Pang! Pang! Just will you take your bloody food and sit down.”

“Oh, terribly sorry, I just got carried away. I’ll share my spaghetti alla carbonara with you.”

“Okay, okay, okay, I’ll have sausage, egg and chips. Yes, I’ll have some of your chips.”

It’s a bit of a saga now. I was watching a documentary the other day called Clash of the Titans, right. They were all there, all those great titans. There was Diana, the god of hunting, Roger, the god of baked potatoes. Minerva, the god of wisdom, and Siobhan, the god of dangerous spelling. For the god Siobhan said, I will start with the letter S and I will go through the entire Scrabble board before I get to the letter N. And that will fuck up dyslexics around the world who think my name is spelt like Shivaughn when in fact I am Siobhan.”

And another titan was there, that was Zeus playing the role of the god Liam Neeson. Liam Neeson is a kind of god all the way from Ballymena in Northern Ireland. He has conquered Hollywood, and he is quite often in quite mainstream films now like Battleship where everyone’s going, “Let’s put pigs in a bag before the metal people come out of the water and pee on our heads.”

He is holding onto logic. I think he’s hired to hold onto the centre of the film. “I’ve got the centre of the film, lads, I’ll just hold onto sensible stuff here.”

In the film the people on earth are just behaving badly and Zeus is up there going, “What the hell’s going on down there?”

This is very early Liam Neeson impression I am doing, okay, when he was still about 15, back in Ballymena. “You tell them, they’d better buck their ideas up, otherwise I will release the Kraken, so I will.”

Now, if you don’t know about the Kraken, the Kraken is a huge turtle in the film, and it is as angry as you can believe. You know, turtles normally are kind of… And when turtles get angry, they look kind of… But this one is… Kind of crazy. So halfway through the film, Zeus is as good as his word, and he says, “Right, release the Kraken and tell the Kraken to get down there, get down there to Lesbos, Besbos, Whizbos and Gizbos, right? Find the ringleaders, set fire to their houses, burn their boats, and pee on their relatives, and remove their underwear and throw it in the hedges. And just generally rubbish them in the local amateur dramatic press.”

So the Kraken is released from under the water. He comes out… With no plan. Look at his eyes, no plan, it’s a George W. Bush Kraken. Then he stamps on things. Basic right-wing foreign policy. Probably for two or three weeks. Probably about week four and week five. Probably about week 10, he’s got bored and he’s moved to Mexico, and he’s hanging out with a lot of Vietnam veterans playing poker.

“He’s all right, the Kraken.”

“He can play the ukulele.”

Oh, Mr Stevens But in the film they said, and Mr Zeus, Mr Liam Neeson said, “Release the Kraken.”

But at no point did he ever go, “Retrieve the Kraken.”

The Kraken’s still out there, still wandering around Greece going, “I’ve no idea what I’m doing any more. No, I’m not very good on financial matters, terribly sorry, I’m just a Kraken really. I stamp on things, that’s what I do. Sorry, I think you’re supposed to pay some taxes at some point, not really sure. Look, good luck on getting it all together again but, you know, come on, you got to try to make this thing work, otherwise it’s going to be hell to pay when Izzard goes stamping around.”

But they did have a great idea back in the old days, the idea of having a healthy mind and a healthy body. I remember reading this, it’s a Greek idea, “Mens sana in corpore sano, that’s the Latin for the Greek idea, I think. And the idea that this and this both worked. I couldn’t work that… Surely this works and this is… Or this works and this is tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet. That’s what I thought, you know. Remember when we were kids, this was good, wasn’t it, “Come on, run, run.”

“Why are we running?”

“There could be ice-creams over there.”

But in our heads, it was like those early computer games, wasn’t it? Nothing much going on. Now our minds are sharp, we can multi-task. We can sit on our toilets and use an iPad at the same time. Go poos and send an email. But our bodies, our bodies are like two weasels covered in gravy, and nailed to the back of a tractor. And you know that I’ve done a little bit of running about, ’cause I was trying to get this bit working with this bit, you know. I was trying to head back to this ancient Greek Olympic idea. And remember this and I have only just noticed this. All wild animals are fit, all of them, 100%. You know, lions, tigers, cheetahs, blah, blah, all of them. Flying ones, all of them.

Some people said sloth. One person said, “Oh, sloth.”

No, ’cause sloth, they hang out of trees, but forever. They are not hanging out of trees going… “Shit, I’m not really fit for this hanging out of trees shit.”

They hang out of trees for a good… And they are one of the seven deadly sins. That’s a pretty good double. Do they know that, has anyone told them?

“Do you realise that we are one of the seven deadly sins?”


“Do you have any more material for this scene?”

“I don’t really, I’ve just thought of it.”

Think about lions. 100% of lions are fit. 100%. It’s not like 80% of lions are 92% fit, or 53% of lions are 47% fit. 100% of lions, you’ve never seen a lion going… “Fucking gazelles. Are they on drugs? Are they taking drugs? I don’t know. How do they go so fucking fast? I shouldn’t have eaten those hedgehogs.”

You’ve also never seen a lion going… “Bloody hamstring. Go on, go on, get him, get him. It’s a hamstring, it’s an old injury. Bring on the trainer from 1970s football.”

Then a lion with a bucket and a sponge would come over. “Think I’ve torn the patella. I think there is ligament damage. I think it’s right up to here, I might have smashed my hip and it’s fallen over. And something’s really pulling on my neck and it feels like… That bit of my face feels really weird. I’m not a bloody car!”

What was going on with the bucket? The elixir of life? They should have just come on with the bucket and gone… “Now get up.”

But lions are fit. Thank you, 12 people. Lions… Lions are completely fit, aren’t they? Lions, tigers, panthers, cheetahs, they’re not cheaters, they’re honesters. They’re not taking drugs. I don’t know who started that rumour. So it’s all those chasing ones, they’re fit, but also the chasees, they’re fit, too. So all the gazelles and all the giraffe and the buffalo, fit, fit, fit, fit, fit. And the middle-sized ones, warthogs and hyenas, and a third one I can’t think of, fit, fit, fit. And moles going, “Come on, dig, dig.”

“Why are we digging?”

“There could be ice-creams underground.”


Hmm. Do you think moles ever go… “I think we’re lost.”

“Give me the map. I can’t see anything on this.”

“It’s not a map, it’s a piece of brown paper.”

“Bloody idiot.”

“Hang on, I can hear something.”

“That was Steve McQueen.”

“There’s a German prison camp that way. He’s getting out.”

“He’s going to Switzerland with chinos on.”

“That’s good. Everyone over about 40 will understand that joke.”

“Who’s Steve McQueen?”

“Who’s Steve McQueen?”

“He’s that guy down there.”

Follow my logic. Gold exists underground, yeah? Undeniable logic, moles dig underground. Undeniable logic. There’s no above-ground moles, or you’d be going, “Fucking moles!”

No, you’re never going to get that. If gold exists underground and moles dig underground, some moles must have struck gold. That’s just got to be true. There must have been, in the history of moles in the history of the world, some mole that went… “Gold! We’ve struck gold! High threes.”

“Gold, gold, gold, we’re rich! Calling all moles, calling all moles!”

And moles come from miles around and they dig all the gold up and they become rich and they sell it all and they buy houses in Beverly Hills, and they get people to drive them round.

“Where would you like to go?”

“I want to go to Swansea, man.”

“I can take you to Swansea, I live in Swansea.”

It’s great, they have eye operations and big cigars. And they live high on the hog. They have advisors. “What should I do with my money?”

“Put it all into silver?”

“That’s crazy.”

“You don’t know anything, do you?”

“Stay in the car.”

But then the Olympics did come to town. Yes, it did, it did come to Britain and just before… Yes, it was a good Olympics, was it not? Yes. We were not quite expecting that, were we? I don’t know if you remember, just before the Olympics, there was that thing that happened in Britain. Maybe it’s a British thing, maybe it’s a human thing, but we suddenly went into, “This is going to be really expensive and all the people are going to come and oh, my God, they’ll all speak different languages and we’ll have to talk loudly to them.”

But then we started winning, left, right and centre, upside down. Well, everybody was going crazy. And all those sports anyone can do, and that was one of the great… Except for one or two. There’s one or two that are still kind of posh. Rowing, you got to go to a school that’s got a river. You can’t do it and be in an inner-city school sitting in your bath going, “I was pretty good in the bath.”

“The water’s got to be on the outside of the bath.”

“Oh, on the outside? I got it all back to front.”

And horse-riding, you need a bloody horse, right? And the horses are in tonight, so… You need to have a horse. You can’t live in an inner-city school and say, “I found a Great Dane in a skip, and he only had front legs, but he used to drag himself round, game boy, he was.”

You need horses, you need many horses. And it cuts down into jumping over things and the dressage. The jumping over things based on ancient hunting techniques of running and jumping, and dressage based on fuck knows what. Ancient dressage. It’s a French word, dressage, translated into English, it means dressage. Where does it come from? Maybe the Surrealist Wars. Maybe at a time when people said, “You men and you women, get on your horses, ride towards the enemy. Feint right, cut left, duck down, go along like this, come up, do this, eyes and teeth, eyes and teeth, sing, Mr Stevens, go to Trouser Mountain”

What is going on? Because who watches it? You must admit you don’t go, “When’s the dressage on? When’s it on?”

It just comes up on the screen and you go… Oh. And when it comes on, you go, “Has it been on an hour, a year? Have they finished? Is he a spider?”

Just the horses doing things. You think, “These people are on crack, what’s going on?”

I salute them, though, I salute, because they got us medals and they trained hard, but why? ‘Cause they can do things that are of no use ever in life, unless you wish to park your horse in a cupboard.

“He’s going up to the cupboard now, approaching the cupboard now. “Here comes Lucky Jim ridden by Lady Jane Trains. It’s got one door open of the cupboard, he’s going to get the horse in the cupboard, it’s a very difficult manoeuvre. He’s got the second door is open of the cupboard. He’s in, he’s backed into the cupboard there. It’s a very good move there. Drawers open, he’s stepping into the drawers, he’s closing the drawers, pulling that one door shut, pulling another door shut. It’s the first horse in a cupboard for 20 years. Four points. Scorers give four points and for an extra point, can you see Narnia?”

“I think so through the back of the thing.”

“Extra point for Narnia, there we go.”

And it’s just a little bit weird. If people walk up to you, you tend to think they’re standard people, but if you saw anyone coming up to you like this, you’d go, “What the hell is this guy doing?”

They just look a bit, they’re training horses to look like burglars, you know. And there’s nothing to burgle, is there? They should build a structure then the viewing figures would go up through the roof.

“Here comes Lucky Jim, he’s coming up to the building now, it’s been specially built for the occasion. “Has three rooms inside, one has a safe with the jewels inside. Lucky Jim came… Got the bronze medal in Helsinki and got the silver medal in Timbuktu, and now here he comes. Once he gets in and breaks into the structure, the clock starts, four minutes to get out. The clock has started, the window is open. There he is. He’s into the kitchen, he’s going round the kitchen, opening the drawers of the kitchen, the horse is opening the lower drawers, the rider’s opening the upper drawers, going up there turning on all the taps, I don’t know what he’s doing there, he’s spun round, that’s very good. Going into the bedroom, going round there, looking under the bed… They’ve sat down on the bed, that’s quite good, that’s quite fun. He’s going for a cupboard, he’s going for a cupboard. One, two, three, four. He’s into the drawers, he’s locked the cupboard. Four falls and a submission, he’s coming back round, he’s coming back. Out of the thing, he’s into the lounge, still hasn’t found the safe, behind the picture, behind the pelmet, I don’t know. He’s looking at things, going in the drawers, coming over… It’s there, he’s found the safe. Opening with hooves now, he’s using his hooves. Opening the safe, can he open the thing with his hooves? It’s open, he’s got jewellery round the neck, earrings on… He’s got the valuables, now he’s coming out. He has to get back down here to retrace his steps, he does a spin. Comes back up out of the thing. Window’s open, he’s coming out of the thing, he’s going…”

We’d watch that, wouldn’t we? Oh, yes. And it’s the only animal that does dressage. There are no others. There’s no dog dressage. Dogs are at those dog shows and they get taken round on a lead and they just do this.

“This is all I can do, this is all I can do, go round in circles.”

Cat dressage would be impossible.

“This room is big enough.”

Yak dressage. Big lads, are yaks. They’re not very active in the dressage department. Yak dressage is pretty similar to British Tai Chi. And think of Genghis Khan. He knew about horses.

“All right, my men, I have trained you to ride on horses, fight on horses, eat, sleep and breathe on horses. You will…”

“Are you Sean Connery?”

“I’m a little bit like him.

“Just don’t touch, lad. I’m using my Gorky Park, The Hunt for Red October. No, it’s not Siberian, where am I? Mongolian. Slightly more Mongolian.”

“I think you’re just Sean Connery, aren’t you?”

“Shut your face. We will ride on our horses across the plains of Mongolia to the Steppes of Russia, down the Steppes of Russia, into the basement of Russia and back up the escalator of Russia. And on into the pages of Wikipedia. Will you ride with me, will you ride? I, Genghis Khan, will lead you. Benghis, will you come?”

“Yes, Genghis.”


“All right, Genghis.”


“How are you naming us?”

“Using the Tolkien method of alliteration. Siobhan, are you coming? Put the Scrabble set away, if you will, love. Steve, will you ride with us?”

“I will… I won’t be coming this time actually. I won’t be coming this time actually, Genghis. ‘Cause I bought this horse and he’s a little bit weird. I bought him with some magic beans and he just does things which are not useful. But I’ve parked in the cupboard three times. Good thing is if you roll him over and make him breathe out, you can dry your hands in his mouth. That’s quite fun.”

It is a true thing. Dressage was true, they used to ride into battle with the big Iances. And then get into the melee of people and it’s all blood and guts and all horrible, and then the people try and kill the horses and then they use dressage to get out. Said, “Get out, dressage, dressage.”

And the horses would get out.

They’d say, “Why didn’t you kill the horse?”

“I didn’t know what he was doing. I thought it was half-time entertainment.”

It’s like ballet, you see. Sometimes they call it horse ballet, and ballet is again, who watches ballet? It must be people who do dressage. They just watch each other and go, “Oh, yours is similar to ours, you know.”

And ballet is straight women and gay men doing amazing stuff. No-one getting hurt and no-one having sex. And women wear tutus and the men wear stuff that even I as a transvestite would say, “Really, are you sure?”

It’s always best to leave something to your imagination before the imagination explodes. So the Olympics tells us what we can do with a healthy body, but with a healthy mind, maybe we can gain wisdom, yes. And for wisdom, in the old days, we had pipes. Everyone had pipes, didn’t they? You stick a pipe in your mouth, suddenly you were wise. A bit weird, you didn’t have to be wise, you just stuck it in and went… “That’s a very good point. I see what you’re saying. No, I didn’t think of it that way. Look at the stars, isn’t that amazing? Look, where’s Orion gone? Look at his belt.”

No one said silly things with a pipe in their mouth, no one said, “I’m going to put my dick in this toaster now.”

So wise things were said by pipe smokers, but not any more, yeah? You wouldn’t ask pipe smokers’ opinion now, you wouldn’t say, “What’s going on in this town, hell’s going on in this town. What shall we do? Maybe we should talk to those people who all smoke pipes and live in that one house.”

Bing-bong. “Yeah?”

“There are terrible things, we have no salad, the cucumbers are gone, and the radishes. The balsamic vinegar, it’s almost gone. What do we do?”

“Find the people, Sellotape their legs together. Put their eyeballs in the different sockets. Rearrange their tongues. Count their toes and put them on the numbers backwards. Would you like some crack?”

Do people who smoke crack ever go, “Maybe this is the crack talking… But I think we should all nail our foreskins to that rocket, what do you say? Bad idea.”

Then there was Lord of the Rings. Lord of the Rings, a big pipe smoking film that starts in the Misty Mountains where a Hobbit goes, “What is this? A golden ring. Should I put it on and marry someone, or put it on, become invisible and take over the world? Two obvious logical choices. I don’t know what to do. What does it say? One ring to rule them, one ring to find them. One ring to bring them all and have a big party and nail some of their toes together while smoking crack. What? That’s weird. Who is that in the darkness?”

“My precious.”

“Who? Who are you and talking about precious?”

“It is me, Lady Smeagol, I am lady of the Misty Mountains. These are my caves. I’ve lost my precious.”

“Is your precious a small band of gold?”

“No, it’s a chicken called Tony with electronic legs.”

“Tony, where have you been?”

“You’ve been down the goblin market, oh, have you?

“You’ve got some candles.”

“And some throw cushions. You can never have too many throw cushions. Well, if you have 800 million, that’s too many, I suppose. What else?”

“Goblin codpiece, well, put it on.”

“Tony, I think we’re staying in tonight.”

“I feel like a third wheel over here. I’ve come to the Misty Mountains to find my density or destiny or… I brought a humidifier.”

“A humidifier in the Misty Mountains? That will just make it the Very Misty Mountains.”

“Should I have bought a de-humidifier?”

“That would just make it the Mountains.”

Then Sauron was on the rise again, and Saruman, two people who sound to a dyslexic kid like the same person. And the NASDAQ is on the rise, then the NASDAQ’s on the fall, the NASDAQ rises and falls, stocks and shares going crazy. And the Fellowship of the Ring ran to Rivendell where Gandalf says, “Someone must take the ring of power, and they must take it to Mordor.”

Which has nine R’s in it. “Someone must take it, I do not know who.”

“I cannot take it, ’cause I am tall, immensely powerful and cannot die.”

Why didn’t he volunteer? Why did he never? “I have no idea who could take it, maybe some small twit could…”

“I will take it. I will take it. I, Frodo, will take it all the way to Mordor. But I am but half a man, I do not know the way.”

“I am a dwarf, I am two-thirds of a man. I will help the half a man, then we will be a total of… Oh, shit! About one and a bit men.”

“Yes, but what precisely?”


“I don’t know.”


“I don’t know.”

“I’m just here with this rocket.”

“I didn’t know we had a rocket programme.”

“It’s six, isn’t it? It’s one half of a man, plus two thirds, then we’ll be… It’s six. We will be seven sixths.”

“Yes, yes, yes. Aragorn, will you join us?”

“I, Aragorn, will join you, and then I am a man. I am one and one ratio to men. So six, six, we’ll be 13 sixths.”

“This is a bloody complicated scene, this is.”

“Legolas, are you coming?”

“I am four-fifths of a man, maybe I should stay here.”

“No, come, lad, come, then we’ll be thirtieths, it’s thirtieths, that’s 30 divided, 89 thirtieths, that’s a bloody army, that is.”

“That’s just three men. You realise that it’s three men?”

“Oh, bloody hell. What do you think, Zeus?”

“Well, since Elrond has left, I, Zeus, have taken over this place, so I have, and I am running the whole of Legoland here. You people need a plan, so I think I should hand over now to my military advisor, who will advise you how to take this thing to Mordor, all right?”

“All right. I understand. Basically we’re using the Battle of Austerlitz, Napoleon’s plan to use, the Pratzen Heights will be Mount Doom. That’s how it’s going to work, please explain more.”

“Head of Military Intelligence, Lady Smeagol.”

“Absolutely, I will do this. We will be going and you’re the Fellowship of the Ring, Aragorn and Frodo and Gimli and Legolas and Bagpuss, all five of you. Will go on, with the help of the Kraken.”

“Hello, everybody, how are you doing?”

“He’s our orc-stamper general, and will be leading the diversion away from the big mountain there, and then we’ve got the two moles who are going to tunnel their way in.”


“Their names are Pinky and Perky.”

This is going to be bloody difficult when I do this show in French. I’ll have to do a Scottish accent in French, for fuck’s sake. Then they went off, they went off towards Mordor, through cats and dogs and orcs and fish with fingers. And they get to Mount Doom and they re-release the Kraken.

“Good luck, everyone!”

Stamping on orcs and the moles said, “Come on, dig, use the map.”

“It’s no good.”

They get into the centre of Mount Doom, the toilet without a toilet and then throw the ring in.

“You must throw the ring in, my love.”

“No, you can’t keep it, you will become a powerful chicken.”

“You will become immensely powerful and like Cate Blanchett in that film.”

“Do you not love me? Throw the ring in and then we can be together.”

“This is no good. Who will beat some sense into this crazy chicken?”

“Mr Stevens, Head of Catering, I didn’t expect you.”

“I came a-running with my tray, I’m here. You bloody chicken.”

Pang! Pang! Pang!

“Do you understand now?”

“Throw it in, my love.”

And the ring fell down, down into eternity, and the chicken lost all the power in the world and the ability to tell everyone to be quiet when he was doing the last bit of the show. And the ability… No, no, that’s great. And the ability to grind people’s faces into the dust, but the chicken and Lady Smeagol, they gained love, they gained wisdom and the greatest set of codpieces ever found in the goblin market.

Thank you very much for watching.


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