Drew Michael: Drew Michael (2018) | Transcript

Comedian Drew Michael is taking the stage and is holding nothing back in his first HBO stand-up special, in which he navigates his fears, anxieties and insecurities in an unconventional stand-up setting.
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Drew Michael: Drew Michael (2018)

“This is the latest I’ve stayed up in a long time.”

“Yeah, me too.”

“I’m usually like a… Mm, like one a.m. max.”

“One a.m.?”

“Yeah.”

“After that, what happens? You get cranky?”

“Yeah, I just, uh, I can’t be around people anymore.”

“Yeah.”

“It’s very rough for me to wanna”

“Well, also, after one a.m. you’re around after one a.m. people.”

“Right.”

“It’s not a great sort of cross-section.”

“But you’re an after one a.m. person.”

“I am, no.”

“All the time?”

“Are you always a one a.m. person? Like, after one a.m. person?”

“Um, I…”

“Yes, you are.”

“I guess it depends.”

“You do this all the time.”

“Sometimes. But sometimes it’s during the day.”

“Sometimes, I meet people and…”

“Oh, one… Right. That’s, well, that’s one p.m.”

“Oh, dear. I think we’re both tired.”

“Yeah, probably.”

“The sun’s coming up.”

“I can’t believe I have to get on a plane today.”

“Yeah. You gonna try to sleep, or no?”

“No. I’m gonna get on the plane and fall asleep”

“and forget any of this happened.”

“Yeah. How long’s the flight?”

“Like ten hours.”

“I don’t know how to make a relationship work.”

I can do, like, the first part of a relationship.

That’s the thing is like when you get older, you kinda like

You start to recognize parts of your life as pieces of bigger patterns.

You know, when you’re younger everything’s like in the moment but when you’re older it’s like… Okay

This is part of this larger arc

Like, all my relationships basically go the same way.

They’re different, but they all kinda follow the same trajectory.

You know, it’s the same pattern.

I get into something it’s super-intense and as soon as I feel like the slightest bit vulnerable or exposed I get insecure and I project that onto the other person find something wrong with them use that as the reason why I have to stop seeing them.

“Yeah?”

“And the second time you see someone do you move in together?”

“No, the second time we go to couples’ therapy.”

That’s the pattern every single time!

Every single time, and so I’m like “Okay, so the issue is me.”

“I need to figure my shit out so I gotta go to therapy or something”

and so I went to a therapist told him my whole life story really opened up to him.

He said it was some commitment thing. I’m like “Oh, you put a lotta thought into that one you fucking idiot!”

And then I had to stop seeing him.

I can’t see some hack therapist.

It’s like “Oh, commitment issues? Really?”

“You coulda said that to nine outta ten people and been right.”

Like where’s the training?

But it’s like he was supposed to end the cycle.

I just made him part of it.

That’s not what’s supposed to happen. It’s kinda…

That’s like goin’ to AA and being like

Finally, some real drinking buddies!

Like, what? No, they’re supposed to pull you out of the cycle

Not enable it further.

So, what now?

Yeah. Yeah, I went…

I try to think about like, why I am the way that I am.

Like, I’m kinda just a… I’m just like a guarded…

Person in general like I got a lot of…

Walls here.

I try to think about, like, why that is like what made me that way. I think the biggest reason is I have a hearing loss that I’ve had since I was really young. When I was three-years-old my… I failed the hearing test.

“And my doctor was like: You need hearing aids!”

“And I said: No.”

“And he said: Oh, okay.”

“He just like let me do it.”

I’m three. Why am I makin’ this choice?

Someone make it for me.

Like, “Ah, well, you’re an adult. You made your decision.”

I’m like, “What? I can’t hear now.”

“I don’t know what the fuck people are saying I didn’t wear them until I was twenty-one.”

“Mos… Two thirds of my life was just guessing.”

“I didn’t know what people were saying.”

“People would say shit and look at me.”

I’m like, Ah! Fuck! What? I don’t know.

Yes? What ends this?

Like, get me out of this moment please.

It’s a fucking nightmare.

Cause you can’t just ask people to repeat themselves constantly.

You can’t just be like, “What?”

It’s annoying. You get like one “What?” per friendship.

That’s the limit. After that, they move on.

They’re like, “We’re gonna hang out with this dude who can hear.”

And I don’t say that for pity, either.

I don’t want anyone to feel bad for me ’cause I know I wouldn’t do differently if I was in their situation.

I’m not better than anyone. I know that.

I’ve been on the other side of that.

My grandma’s eighty-four years old rapidly losing her hearing.

Cannot hear shit. This is my grandma.

Like, I love her!

But every time I say something to her she’s like

My first thought is just die, already!

Like, that’s my first thought.

And I don’t want anything bad to happen to my grandma but I also don’t wanna have to say what I just said again.

Like, I just said it! You had your chance.

Somethin’s gotta give here.

It might as well be the person who can only eat sweet potatoes.

She had eighty-three good years. I didn’t have that.

My point is I can empathize with my oppressors.

It’s a weird disability. Like it’s weird.

Like, even the things that are made to help you, people are kinda like

Like, they’re… about like it’s just…

Like, I watch movies with closed captioning on which is how I watch ’em.

I’ve always watched ’em that way. I never used to tell anyone about it I never used to bring it up because I didn’t wanna be different.

I didn’t wanna be seen as different.

I didn’t wanna call attention to the fact that I was different.

The first time I brought it up I was in college.

My roommate was like “Hey, you wanna watch a movie?”

I was like, “Yeah. Do you mind if we turn on the closed captioning?”

“I got, like, a hearing thing” figuring he’s my friend he’d understand.

And he said…

And here’s the thing it’s not the same.

If it was the same I would just ask for that.

Second of all, I’m not even sure you’re legally allowed to say no.

Like, this is what they’re for motherfucker.

Turn ’em on. Like, I’m the guy.

Like, what do you think there for? To fuck with you?

For the people at the gym?

Like, I’m the person that the technology is for.

Turn them o… Like there’s a picture on the back of the box of a… Like the ear. Closed captioning.

That’s my fucking ear!

Turn ’em on, you psycho.

It’s like in no other disability is this even remotely acceptable.

It’s like, if your friend was in a wheelchair and he was like “Hey, do you mind if we take the ramp?”

Would you be like… “Come on! The ramp?”

“It’s all the way on the other side of the building, dude.”

“The normal door is right here.”

“It’s three steps. Can’t you crawl up there?”

“Aren’t your arms stronger?”

“Can’t we just pick you up and throw you?”

“Is that fine? You still get there.”

“It’s the same!” It’s not the same.

Turn on the closed captioning man.

I wanna see when acoustic music is playing.

I gotta know. That’s how you know what’s goin’ on in the movies.

You see that parentheses like, Up-tempo techno and you go, Oh! Okay.

Now I see what’s goin’ on in this David Lynch film.

I was … I was so lost before.

But you didn’t look like you were about to jump in the shower.

“Oh, that’s very nice…”

Take it off.

I would just think a lot, so I would just think, I would think… I would just think all day

Just thoughts.

It’s comfortable, because you I never would mishear myself.

Like I never have a thought and I’m like, “Wait, one more time?”

It’s just there. I know the thought.

There’s a comfort to that. It gets intense, though because after a while like, the thoughts get weird.

It’s weird up here it’s just not… A lot of weird…

A lot of fucked up thoughts. Fucked up.

And the thing is, you don’t know your thoughts are fucked up until you say them out loud and then that look of horror overcomes people and you’re like… Like you don’t know your thought is fucked up until you say, like, “Hey if we could eat animals why can’t we fuck them?” And people are like, “What?”

And you’re like “Oh… I don’t know. I was just thinking about me and I feel like I… I’d rather get fucked than eaten.”

Like I think if you told an animal, like… “Hey, we’re about to murder and then eat you”

They’d be like … “Can you please just fuck me?”

I would think about suicide a lot.

Not… I didn’t wanna do it I just thought, like… If I did it what would a funny way be?

Like, what would a funny way be? I don’t wanna go out boring.

Like, what would be a funny end to all of this?

I think it would be funny if you go to a water park and you go to the top of a really… like, a tall waterslide and, like right as you’re about to go down you just blow your head off and make the corpse go, like… through the whole course of the slide like, all the tunnels and the turns and just… just like splashes in the bottom of the pool.

All the kids are screaming, parents are like, sprinting towards the pool.

You know, funny!

I think you would think that was funny even if you were there even if you were at the water park even if that was your kid in the pool.

Once you got the kid outta the pool you dried him off you put him in the car on the ride home you’d be like

That’s a pretty good bit. Like, I think you would recognize the level of commitment alone is impressive like, “Oh my God! He brought a gun to a water park?”

“He waited in line up the steps for like twenty minutes?”

“He had goggles on, why the fuck did he have goggles on?”

Who cares if you get water in your eyes if your… brain is exploded?

“I’m gonna miss that guy.” You start missing me.

You feel that kinship through the attention to detail.

Fucked up thought.

And that’s just a thought that I had.

I’m not tryin’ to make light of something that people, you know ’cause it’s it… Suicide is a tough subject.

There’s some subjects people think are just never funny.

And I hear that I’m not like a sociopath I’m not like “Everything is funny! Fuck you!”

No, it’s like you know I think about it I don’t wanna hurt anybody.

But suicide’s a tough one it’s a tough one because people get offended at suicide jokes but it’s never suicidal people.

It’s always like suicide-adjacent people.

Like, suicidal people… Love suicide jokes.

Right? You know why? Cause… That’s their thing.

Like everybody has a thing.

Like, if you’re married maybe you like a joke about marriage.

‘Cause you hear it, you’re like “Oh honey, that’s so us or whatever.”

Suicidal person hears a suicide joke, it’s the same thing.

It’s like “I’m not gonna tell anyone but that is so me!”

You’re gonna find out in a note how good that joke really was and then regret not laughing more later because it is on the money.

It’s cathartic.

Like, if you’re dealing with those private, painful personal dark thoughts to hear them talked about and made light of in a public forum that’s a cathathat’s catharsis.

You feel connected to someone outside your own mind.

That’s a positive emotion.

I’m not gonna take that away from someone just to spare someone else a moment of discomfort.

But I get why people get upset.

I had a dude once, he was like “That’s not funny.”

“You should never joke about that.”

“My nephew killed himself. You think that’s funny?”

I was like “What? No.” I was like, “What? No.”

“No, that’s not what I’m talking about at all.”

“That’s not funny.”

“That’s incredibly sad.”

“I’m sad right now hearing about it, you know ’cause your nephew…”

“Would’ve loved that joke.”

It’s like, yeah, my target market is missing, tragic.

Also, if he would’ve heard this joke he wouldn’t have felt alone as he obviously did and that’s really my point is if you don’t like something just let it go and hit the people that it’s meant for.

That’s not for everybody.

There are people who are gonna hate it. There’s people right now who are like “Dude, I fucking hate this joke and it’s gone on way too long and I just want it to end.”

And it’s like… All right

and now you know how suicidal people feel about life.

We want them to stick it out a little bit longer.

I think you can, too.

The joke was about empathy the whole time.

“Hey.”

Hey.

“I was just about to call ya.”

I was gonna call you. How ya doin’?

“I’m good.”

Yeah?

“Yeah. How was… How was your day?”

It was good. Actually, I had a really good day.

“Yeah? Tell me about it.”

Well, I got up and I actually like, ran…

Well, I did actually two hours of… I did yoga and Pilates today.

“Both? You’re trying to…”

Yeah.

“You were tryin’ to get more of those in there.”

No, I absolutely smashed it. I don’t even…

Like, tomorrow I’m just gonna look ridiculously good.

“Yeah, no, look, tomorrow you earn popcorn and whatever else.”

Yeah, exactly, I’m gonna have… I’m gonna make a lemon square.

“Okay. You know how to make those?”

Yeah, I haven’t told you. I do know how to make lemon squares.

“Is that your thing?”

“That’s kind of…”

Yeah

And I know how to bake sweet potatoes as well.

“Okay.”

Yeah. That’s kind of it.

“I could do one of those I’m not gonna tell you which one.”

I bet you could bake a sweet potato but I bet you don’t know that you should put little holes in it.

“With a fork? you punch with a fork?”

Oh, you must. You absolutely must.

“I know. I know a thing or two”

And I’m not sure if you wrap your potatoes in foil because there are, like, people that wrap them and people that don’t

“Which one are you?”

You’ve got to wrap.

You’ve got to wrap and poke.

“Gotta wrap and poke.”

Yeah, ’cause the steams gotta come out but not too much.

I don’t know if you letif you let all your steam come out.

Is that a plan on lemon squares too, of just the sweet potatoes?

No, that’s a whole different thing.

I can’t tell you that recipe.

“That’s secret.”

“All right, how long do I have to wait to… To find out then?”

What? My lemon square thing?

“Yeah.”

I don’t know. My dead great grandmother told it to me so…

“Oh, God.”

I’m probably not gonna ever tell you.

“That’s… I didn’t know I was stepping into an heirloom.”

No, it’s fine. She lived a long and healthy life.

“It’s a family crest, I was trying to pry it from you.”

Yeah. What are you up to?

“You know, I’m about to… About to jump in the shower and then head out. I answered un-showered.”

But you don’t look like you’re about to jump in the shower.

Oh, that’s very nice of you to say.

“Take it off.”

“You wanna come in with me?”

No.

“I think I would sacrifice this for this phone.”

When was the last time you showered?

“I’m tryin’ to give you an exact hour amount.”

“I think eighteen hours ago?”

Oh, eighteen hours.

I thought you were gonna be, like two hours ago.

Are you, like, one of those people that shower…

Like when we see each other again, are you just gonna be…

Like if I come in on the plane are you gonna be like

You have to have a shower?

I’m gonna come and…

I always think that’s so weird. It’s like, can’t we just not do that?

Like, I know I’ve been on a plane, but like

“I’m gonna have you guess shower or no shower.”

You’re gonna make me shower though when we see each other again?

“You should shower for sure.”

But like if I haven’t seen you for all this time and I just get off the plane are you gonna be like

“You have to have a shower?”

This is a deal breaker for me.

“For you?”

“Oh. If I make you shower?”

Yes! Like straightaway.

“No, I trust your sort of, uh, judgment on that.”

Okay, fine, I’ll just shower before.

“That’s up to you. I’m not gonna… I’m not gonna tell you what to do. I mean I will judge you…”

Yeah, don’t control me. Stop it.

“Yeah, no more… Yeah, that comes later.”

No.

“That comes later.”

“I like looking at your face.”

Shut up.

“No?”

“You can see your face too the little square in the bottom.”

No, I look like a thumb.

“That’s ’cause your thumb’s in the way.”

It is not. I just…

You look like… You look really dewy.

You’re like all smooth and stuff.

“Jews are smooth?”

No! You’re all dewy.

Not about you being Jew…

You always bring it back to being Jewish. No.

“You said I looked Jewy…”

No, like

“And then you said I look smooth.”

No, dewy like a pancake.

“Chewy?”

No! Dewy.

Dewy. Like you moisturize a lot. Doesn’t matter. Whatever.

“Is that a translation thing?”

No, no, “Is it a language… Is it a cultural thing?”

Dewy. Do you guys not say dewy?

“No, Jewy means like…”

Dewy, like smooth.

“Jewish shit.”

Okay, sorry.

“I’m glad we clarified that ’cause that could be a problem.”

No, you know, like a dewy Jew.

“Right. Is that… Wait are we pancake or Holocaust?”

Stop.

You’re such an idiot.

“Which Jewy… you gotta specify.”

Shut up.

“’cause now I’m completely lost.”

“Is that a British thing?

I had my eyebrows tweezed today.

“Oh, okay! It was yoga Pilates and eyebrows.”

Yeah. I just went in this place opposite and I felt…

You know, like when somebody like, does something for you and you feel like all warm and gooey inside?

Like this woman took real care about like, tweezing my eyebrows.

And she was like showing me how to draw them in and stuff and I just, I don’t know it was really sweet.

“Did she tweeze them or thread them?”

No, she was tweezing them. Yeah.

“Oh, tweezwith the tweezers? I don’t know what… I see, like, women go into places and then they come out… I just don’t really know what happens in there.”

You know we had a lovely little moment. She was like

Here’s why they’re all like, wobbly and all…

And I was like, “Yeah”. She was like “Yeah, they’re little twixers but we can… We can do something.”

“Yeah, the threading shit is like…”

Yeah.

I do do that sometimes, but I just sneeze and cry… quite a lot.

“It’s really hard to do”.

Yeah, it seems insane.

“The people who do that how do they…”

It’s insane and I’m always really scared they’re gonna take off your eyelashes ’cause it’s literally like they get this piece of thread and just like

“Are they the most skilled people on the planet?”

Yeah.

“Like, they go in there quickly…”

Oh my God. Wait, I have to tell you something.

I went… One time I went to the Korean spa and the woman scrubbed me so hard that I bled.

“On your… eyeyour eyebrows?”

No, not on my…

No, obviously not on my eyebrow.

“She scrubbed you?”

Scrubbed me so hard “Where were you bleeding at?”

I got herpes a little while ago. Who gives a shit?

That’s not a subject people are like, super open about.

Like, I like bringin’ it up because, like, notyou know anytime I bring it up people always wanna ask questions.

They’re like, “Oh, you got it?”

It’s like, “Yeah.” Do you know how you got it?

Yeah, pretty good idea.

How’d you get it?

I was like, I don’t know. What do you wanna know, the position?

Like, how’d I get it? I’m not a loser.

Like, that’s how. I’m thirty-two.

Okay, if you’re thirty, you better either be married or have herpes.

Like, pick one. Commit to something commit to a person or a way of life. Like, who are you?

Three decades nothing to show for it?

Figure it the fuck out. Marriage or herpes.

Pick. Pick!

A lot of my friends got married.

I got herpes.

At least mine is gonna last forever.

People get fucked up about it, though.

They get, like, fucked up about it! Like, people get fucked up!

They hear that they have it, they get fucked up, and you shouldn’t.

It’s not that big of a deal.

But there’s like a sense of shame associated with it.

‘Cause society will imbue you with a sense of shame for something that’s on your body.

Which is, like, that’s body shaming.

That’s textbook body shaming.

It’s on my body and you’re shaming me for it?

That’s literally what body shaming is.

No one gets behind that cause. Like, no one’s ev…

Where’s that Dove ad campaign?

Where’s that brave Instagram post?

That would be brave.

That’s a brave Instagram post. A fresh outbreak.

Woke up like this. Like, that’s fucking brave as shit.

That’s way braver than you with no makeup.

I don’t know how you’re keeping score on bravery but I’m pretty sure that that wins.

It’s not even that big of a deal.

Right? It’s like that’s something I learned.

It’s not as big of a deal as they make it seem so I feel like if you have it you shouldn’t let yourself get fucked up about it.

Like don’t let it affect your sense of self.

It’s fine.

If you don’t have it, get it!

Just get it!

Then it’s over, that’s it. You’re done!

You know what I mean? Like it’s kind of better.

Like, I used to not have it. And now I do and it’s like… I remember I used to always worry about getting it…

But now I don’t. That’s pretty nice.

There’s something liberating about that.

Like, it’s liberating to not have to worry anymore.

Also, if we all got it, then it’s kind of like no one has it anymore which is… That’s basically a cure.

Make it the new normal and that’s it.

I get a lot of questions. Like a lot… People always…

My friend, she was like “Is it hard to date now?”

Is it hard to date now? What do you mean now?

Like, what made you think this was easy before?

You think herpes is some new problem?

Like, my personality much bigger problem than herpes.

Herpes is like number eighteen on the list of fuckin’ things in the way.

What, do you think it’s uncomfortable?

Oh, you think it’s an uncomfortable conversation?

Listen, if I’m dating someone and they think that’s uncomfortable wait till I deconstruct your sense of self so I feel superior.

That’s way more uncomfortable.

Wait till she hears my fucked-up perspective on shit.

Look, any girl in the world would rather hear her boyfriend say “Hey, I have HSV-two” than…

“Hey you know, nine-eleven was just occupy Wall Street done right.”

That’s way more uncomfortable than a very treatable STD that everyone already kind of has anyway.

Is dating hard? I don’t know.

Sure. Depends who you are.

I don’t like the first date. The first date is like, I don’t like it.

I don’t like hangin’ out with strangers.

It’s like two hours with a stranger.

I don’t drink either so it’s like what do you do?

Dinner? I go to dinner.

That’s what I do. Dinner.

It’s too much pressure on the first date.

Dinner?

It’s just you and a menu and this person.

Good luck.

Just sittin’ there in your little section.

You gotta make small talk off the menu.

She’s like “Oh, what should I get?” It’s like, I don’t care.

I don’t love you.

Chicken.

Oh, they got glazed carrots, let’s get ’em!

Roasted Brussels sprouts. Yeah, great.

We’re gettin’ roasted Brussels sprouts.

Remember when we were kids Brussels sprouts were like the worst thing and now we all, like, love ’em?

We’re all fuckin’ sellouts.

I don’t wanna date someone I don’t love.

I wanna date someone I love.

That’s the move.

You wanna date someone you love!

Who do I love? Not a lotta people.

I guess where all that Freudian shit comes from ’cause it’s like yeah, your mom is the best option.

Like on a love level… I know it’s weird and gross

We don’t do it, but, like, wouldn’t it be awesome if we did?

Like, imagine a universe where that was totally the deal.

Like, that’s a better universe.

It’s a better… Like just come out of the womb day one like, “Found her.” Like, that’s better.

I don’t need to fuck with strangers I got the oxytocin queen right here.

I guess that’s why the mom sits up front at the wedding cause it’s like “Well, it would’ve been you but blech so I had to go find someone I never knew. I had to turn a stranger into the love of my life.”

On a love level though, like, who do I love more than my mom?

Nobody.

Who does she love more than me? Nobody.

It is right there.

It’s like we both love each other more than anything let’s figure this out. We can’t figure this out?

There’s no permutation where this can fuckin’ work?

It’s frustrating. She’s single too, not that it matters but it’s like, she’s single, I’m not saying, like, “Oh I have a chance”

I’m like, she, my mom, is single.

She’s, like, alone. I don’t want my mom to be alone.

I want my… I want her to be with someone that she’s into.

And I’m not saying, like “Oh, my mom is into me” but if we were not related she would be.

Like, in another universe I would be her type.

And I know it’s weird to think but to be fair I only think that because she told me that so don’t shoot the messenger.

She’s like “Oh, you would so be my type.”

And I’m like, “Well, what do you want me to do with that?”

“Yeah, I wish I could. I would love to.”

“I would love to give you me. That would make me so happy.”

“For you to be with a guy who loves you who is so far out of your league.”

That would be nice. And I am outta my mom’s league.

I’m not saying that arrogantly I don’t think I’m like the best looking person.

I just know I would never consider sleeping with a sixty-one year old woman who looked like that unless she were my mom. Like, that’s her only in. I’d have to really give a shit about how happy it made her. Like, random sixty-year-old lady, get the fuck outta here!

But my mom, it’s like

Well, yeah I want my mom to get fucked.

You want your mom to get fucked.

You just don’t wanna know when.

But I wanna know that it’s happening for sure I just don’t wanna know when it hap… I just I don’t her to like, walk out of her bedroom, like

Like I don’t want that moment.

But I wanna know that it is happening and what better way to now that something’s happening for sure than to just do it yourself.

And that’s what I’m saying is I wish I could guarantee for her what I know she deserves.

For her. It’s not even for me.

I don’t win this, she wins. Right?

Because any reasonable person would admit you would rather fuck your kid than your parent.

That’s not controversial. That’s not controversial.

That is… You would rather fuck your kid than your parent.

For sure. People try to fuck their kids all the time.

Nobody tries to fuck their parents.

You never read that in the news like a ring of parent fuckers was broken up by the FBI in a sting operation.

Uh, parent fucking is rampant in Hollywood and Washington and the music business and…

Anyway, my point is I don’t think anyone gives a shit about the herpes anymore.

“Hey”

Hey

Why are you still up?

Why are you still up? It’s my bedtime.

“Yeah.”

You’ve been out?

“Kind of. What…”

You’re drunk and I’m asleep.

“Define out.”

I don’t know, like out.

“I got a falafel with a friend.”

You got a falafel?

“Is that out?”

Uh… It…

Do you have, like bits of falafel in your mouth?

I always have like have like

“Right now?”

Like, I don’t really get falafel. It’s just likelike eating, like, dust.

“It’s a little chalky, I admit that.”

It’s so dry. I just don’t understand the falafel obsession.

“Yeah, I don’t know if it’s an obsession as much as it is…”

“It was open.”

Oh, right.

“I’m obsessed with places that are open.”

Do you ever, like, um, order something on delivery and then you’re like you go past it in the day and you’re, like, “What the fuck?”

Like, “I would never order from that place?”

Or, like, “I’d never go into that place and eat.”

“Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. ’cause it… It has the…”

‘Cause it’s disgusting.

“Right.”

“On the internet it’s only the number of stars.”

Yeah.

“And, so, they’re like, okay, four-star… star rating on restaurants is, like, the only time I trust random people in the world.”

Like, Oh, four and a half stars like, then it has to be good.”

“But it’s like these are the same people who… are on trains and vote.”

Are you one of those people who like, always has to look up the restaurant before you go and see if it’s nice?

“I… yeah. I’m… I’m…”

I can tell.

“I’m a four and a half star or above.”

Why do you look so scrumptious?

“I look scrunched up right now?”

You look scrummy.

“What does that mean?”

Like if I was there right now I’d snog you.

“Scrummy?”

Yeah, like scrumptious.

“Oh, I see. Is this a good thing?”

Yeah.

“Okay.”

Yeah, like I wanna snig… Snig you no snog you. Snog and a kiss… No, what’s a snig? A snog and a kiss is a snigu.

“All right.”

I mean, I’m really tired.

“These are… these are all new expressions to me.”

No, I just… I think I’m weird jet lag.

I also came home and my brother… has done something to the toilet.

“What did he do?”

He’s been staying here when I went away… I don’t know, but it’s making a weird noise.

And when we were kids, like every time we go on holiday we just… Like my mom would have to get, um, a coat hanger and put it on the toilet because it… They’re just so long.

“She’d have to use a coat hanger for the toilet?”

A coat hanger, yeah, or like a piece of bamboo if we’re on holiday.

And I know he’s done something to it, and he…

“Where’s bamboo readily available?”

It’s not. It’s not here.

“Where do you have to go?”

It’s tracking it down.

“Yeah. How is your mom?”

My mom?

“Yeah.”

She’s good.

“Was it good seeing her?”

Yeah. Yeah, I went round for dinner.

They’ve just moved house.

“Did they?”

Yeah. My dad’s having…

“Oh, right.”

Like a bit of a mid-life crisis ’cause they’ve moved to a smaller house.

“Yeah, you were saying something about that with the moving.”

Yeah.

“So he’s… He’s freaking out?”

He’s freaking out ’cause he doesn’t have, like, what… He doesn’t, yeah. It’s a smaller house. And he thinks he’s like getting old and he’s gonna die in a small house.

“Well, he is, I mean, I don’t know.”

I don’t know. It’s like, I don’t know, it’s like a thing, it’s like, I don’t know, it’s like he’s giving up. But he’s buying it… I don’t know.

They’re getting another one.

“He’s giving up?”

This is all. He’s just an idiot.

Yeah. He’s not an idiot but it’s just stupid stuff to…

“Right.”

Worry about.

Yeah, I think about that, like, I…

“You know, you look at people who are, like… in the mid-life age you know, and you go like…”

“Ah, that looks like it sucks.”

“And you’re like, Wait, that’s next.”

Yeah, maybe for you, not for me.

“Well, I mean it’s next…”

I’m a young little spring chicken.

“Yeah, but that ends.”

Whatever. No. I was thinking that, like

Am I gonna get to a certain age where no one fancies me anymore and then I was just, like, no.

“You say no?”

I don’t think… I don’t think it’s gonna happen.

“That’s because you’re young.”

No, but I think, like

“That’s a young thing to think.”

No, no, but, like, even…

No, like, I don’t know.

I was just thinking, like I’m sure someone will be up for it when I’m, like, forty.

“No, totally. But then…”

“But just the selection of people gets weirder.”

No, they don’t.

“I think it does.”

“Right?”

I have a hard time with intimacy.

I have, like, intimacy issues.

Any time I get into, like an intimate moment I feel like just… I gotta get the fuck outta there.

“It’s just a feeling any time I see vulnerability”

I gotta get the fuck outta there.

And your brain is really good at justifying how you feel so if you feel like you gotta leave a situation then your brain will find reasons why you should.

So it’ll come back with all this intel, like reasons to leave.

And it’s hard to know if those are like legitimate red flags or just you justifying some weird insecurity.

It’s hard to… To discern between the two “and that’s where I think therapy can be helpful.”

Therapy kinda helps you like unmask your phobia. Like, any phobia you’re having therapy kinda gets like underneath it.

Therapy, to me, is kinda like the last scene of Scooby Doo.

That last sce… every episode of Scooby Doo is the same. The whole episode they’re like “Ah, it’s a ghost!”

And they take the mask off they’re like

“Oh, it’s the guy who owns the bakery,” or whatever.

That’s what I think therapy does for…

For your emotions.

You’re in a relationship and you’re like… I don’t know, she’s a little boring and therapy is like

You’re like, “Oh, my parents never showed me what love looked like.”

“I thought she was bad at telling stories.”

Turns out I have no foundation.

I’m broken irreparably from the inside.

“I’m flying blind without a map.”

I’m replicating a power dynamic instead of reciprocity.

Silly me.

I thought she used the wrong form of ”you’re” in a text message.

Turns out I downloaded my sexual identity from movies.

You ever do that? You ever think you’re a person “and you’re actually an amalgamation of projections you’ve absorbed over thirty-two years?”

That is brutal.

I do think that there’s like a weird impact, that, like, movies can have.

Maybe it just exacerbates superficialities.

I don’t like when I get into that when I’m, like tricked by superficial shit

Like I…

Even when I’m not like, attracted to somebody I’m, like

What’s goin’ on?

When I’m attracted to someone I’m, like, “Oh, nice face.”

And then I’m gonna, what, overrate the ideas that come out of it?

Right? ‘Cause, like the face and the body that’s just like, the marketing team of the self.

And when I’m attracted to that I’m being, like, tricked.

I feel like I’m being tricked.

Like, I’m on the phone at four in the morning with an infomercial… Like, Hey, I saw your thing. I’d like to b… It’s…

No! Wait till you see the thing!

But you can’t see the thing.

You can’t see the thing immediately.

You have to… It’s the… You just see the face and the body.

What’s the personality like? That’s way more important.

But that takes time, it takes patience, it takes energy it takes focus to notice.

The face is right there.

Maybe the personality’s fucked up.

I think if you have a fucked up personality you should have a fucked up face.

I don’t think you should get to have it the other way.

Like, when I look at your face I don’t wanna see flesh.

I wanna see, like, nine months living in a one bedroom apartment with you, like, here.

Like that’s what… That’s what this should be.

All this shit. Hair.

I don’t wanna see hair.

What is hair?

“Oh, you have nice hair.” Who gives a shit? Hair?

Hair is protein that arbitrarily grows out of your head against your will.

And you have nice that? Awesome.

It’s an aesthetic thing.

If something is gonna grow out of your head I don’t wanna see hair I wanna see like, long flowing locks of your ability to keep a secret.

That’s what should come outta your head.

That way someone flips it back “Oh, I can trust that person.”

And we can continue not trusting bald people like we normally do except we wouldn’t be superficial shitheads for it, we’d be right.

Yeah, I can’t trust that dude.

He has… He doesn’t have the secret-keeping substance coming out of his skull.

Fuck that bald asshole! And you’d be right!

That would be a legitimate thing to say as opposed to a low-key hate crime like it is now.

You can’t call someone a bald asshole.

I didn’t pick that.

There’s all sorts of things I can do to become more attractive, too.

I can, like, make myself more attractive.

I can work out, I can get in shape.

That would make me more attractive.

I can get abs, people would be more attracted to me which is weird because all abs mean is I did this a lot.

Like, that’s literally all it means is I tricked my body into thinking it was building a house.

Like, that’s what abs are it’s an exploitation of an evolutionary glitch.

People go, “Oh, he did this a lot.”

He’ll make a great date.

Like, how? How does that track?

You should only be able to get abs by doing something good.

Like, you should have to… In order to get a…

You should have to like help the elderly, that would make sense.

Like, you help an old lady cross the street and get ripped

Like, okay, yeah, sure, I buy that.

That way you see a guy on the beach with washboard abs you can be like “Oh, well he loves his grandma”

Like, you would know something about him other than he did this a lot after work four times a week.

He did the side-to-side one probably.

Look at that.

He probably used a medicine ball.

What a cool guy! It’s fucking stupid.

But we are attracted to these things.

We’re attracted to, you know, what we’re attracted to and as a society when we are all attracted to certain things we create this, like external value system and when you live inside of that you internalize that as your own.

So, you feel a sense of internal pride or shame based on how closely you correlate to that… That value system.

So, people get fucked up about how they look that’s well documented. People also get…

It’s weird like, people take pride like, there’s a weird pride people take in how they loo Like, there’s men who take, like pri…

They have, like, dick pride like pride in their di… Like…

My fuckin’ dick! Like, they talk about their dick like it’s a son that graduated from Harvard.

Like, where’s the pride…

My fuckin’ dick!

Oh, my biit’s not even my dick. I’m its body.

Like what are you talk… Like

My fuckin’ dick.

My big-ass di… It’s like, “So?”

How’d you get it?

It’s like, “Dude it just showed up!”

Your dick should only be as big as your heart.

And it should only be as girthy as your capacity for change.

That way you see a fat dick you go…

“Oh, that’s a spiritually open malleable human being.”

You sit on a fat dick I can feel his open mindedness stretching me out.

That desire he has to transcend his past mistakes.

It feels good.

It makes me feel full.

I’m attracted to things I’m attracted to… Eyes. I like eyes.

I’m attracted to eyes. Not, like, in a bag but, like, on a head. Eyes. I like my eyes on heads.

Two eyes for every one head. That’s the ratio that I like.

You can have whatever ratio you want.

I like eyes. But even that’s weird.

I like the eye, but then it’s like

“Oh, now I wanna like, fuck you. Why?”

“‘Cause you have nice eyes?” That’s a weird leap to make.

To go, like “Oh, yeah, these eyes are cool.”

“Let’s fuck the other…” This other part of you.

It’s not even the same… It’s not even on the same part of the body.

It’s a different part.

The vagina. And it’s like I like it, but it’s like

I just it doesn’t tell me anything about you.

I don’t know you. I don’t know wha…

You know what I mean? Like the vagin… Like the…

I don’t wanna fuck a vagina.

I would much rather fuck like a warm, wet sense of discipline.

Like, I wanna go down on your long-term focus.

I wanna… I wanna eat out your determination.

I wanna make your perseverance squirt.

That’s a much more appealing activity.

I wanna shove my personality into your determination and then reach around and tickle your integrity like, that’s kind of the world I wanna live in.

I just hope your integrity doesn’t include your ability to keep a secret because that is a phobia of mine.

I’m not a perfect person.

It’s all fear.

I mean, all this shit… All this shit I talk about, it’s all fear.

It comes from a…

Deep rooted sense of fear. I’m afraid.

I’m afraid to get close to somebody.

I’m afraid to lose the person I get close to.

“I’m afraid they can hurt me in a way that no one else can.”

“Why do you look so scrumptious?”

“I look scrunched up right now?”

You’re scrummy.

“What does that mean?”

Like, if I was there right now I’d snog you.

I’m afraid that if I let someone in past the walls that I’ve built up for myself that they’ll…

See parts of myself that I haven’t accepted or I don’t like, or parts of me that are fucked up, or flawed or broken, or weird, or wrong or inadequate or boring.

Parts of myself that are missing, like

Where’s that part of your personality?

Like, I don’t know.

Maybe it’ll show me a part of myself that I haven’t…

That I haven’t even looked at… It’s all fear.

And so I push people away.

And it’s not in, like, fun ways. It’s not like

I’m not like I’m rolling them down the sidewalk in an office chair.

It’s… Sometimes it’s harsh.

And, you know, this is something I have to reckon with.

But it’s just because I’m afraid of the alternative.

“And so what do you do about it?”

I just try to be honest.

“That might be the funniest thing you’ve ever said.”

You think this is honest?

Honesty’s, like, it’s being open and being vulnerable.

It’s not just standing in front of everyone and telling them that you fucking suck. Fuck off, dude!

Like get the fuck over yourself.

It’s fuckin’ boring. Like we all feel this shit.

It’s, like, we don’t need a fuckin’ whole big song and dance about it.

You’ve constructed this whole elaborate way to never change.

And they’re not even jokes it’s not even fucking jokes.

It’s just you talking about your problem.

There’s… Where is the funny in this?

Show me. None of the…

Like none of this has been funny.

None of this has been funny!

It’s just been you masturbating up here the enti…

It’s just been watching you jerk yourself off.

And I’m really sick of it.

I know you think that there’s somebody out there you’re helping them and someone’s gonna be able to connect to your problems and… and maybe they will but that’s not why you do it, is it?

It’s… You do it for their validation.

And the more you get, the better it feels.

It’s the same dynamic as in all of your relationships.

You just come in here, you say whatever the fuck you want and then you leave like a fuckin’ pussy!

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