Nationalism does nothing but teach you to hate people you’ve never met. All of a sudden you take pride in accomplishments you had no part in whatsoever.

From No Refunds, recorded at the Gotham Comedy Club in New York City (March 12, 2007)

Nationalism does nothing but teach you to hate people you’ve never met. All of a sudden you take pride in accomplishments you had no part in whatsoever. If you’re American you’ll go, ‘Fuck the French. If we hadn’t saved their asses in World War II, they’d be speaking German right now.’ And you go, ‘Oh, was that us?’ Was that me and you, Tommy? We saved the French? Jesus. I know I blacked out a little after that fourth shot of Jägermeister last night, but I don’t remember… I know we were going through the Wendy’s drive-thru to get one of them ‘Freshetta’ sandwiches that looked so alluring on the commercial, but then we ordered it and realized we had no money, and we had to ditch out before the second window, and those douche-bags in line behind us with the bass music probably got our order and we laughed about that. But I don’t remember saving the French at all. I went through the last ten calls on my cell phone and there’s nothing from the French, looking for muscle on a project. I checked my pants; there’s no mud stains on the knees from when we were garroting Krauts in the trenches at Verdun. I think *we* didn’t do anything but watch sports bloopers while we got hammered. I think *we* should shut the fuck up. It’s silly, all the stuff.
Tradition and heritage, it’s dead people’s baggage, quit carrying it. Did you make it up?”
“No it was passed on to me”
“Pass it back”

Every immigration argument that you hear, they never come from a ” well how does it affect you personally?”
Well, you know these immigrants, they come to our country, they burden our tax system.
What they do is they come here and get into our education system and our health care and I gotta pay the taxes. My taxes have to pay that.
Well what the fuck are you doing to me every time you have a kid?
Every time you have a kid ’cause its American I should pull up a Chez lounge and wave a flag while 15 of those things come out of you? Pay every[one]…. Oh, I can’t wait to pay for these! They’re American!
I have a vasectomy and an abortion on my record, but I can’t wait for all your fucking fat-headed mid-western kids to come out here. What are you [ ], come on, these [ ] gonna keep on multiplying!
Love it! Love it! I’ll take a second job. No keep…
All these immigrants they don’t fuck – they don’t speak the language. Then don’t talk to ’em. That will solve your problem that was quick.
You know who speaks the language perfectly? Your next door neighbor, you’ve lived there eight-and-a-half years and you never said one fuckin’ word to that guy.
You avert eye contact should you check the mail at the same time. [mimicking]
So why would you give a shit if the guy is selling ‘Gen gen obes’ in the park / street. It’s none of your fucking business.
And all – and all the cliche arguments, like they’re lazy, they don’t shift this, criminals and all this – they all those arguments go against the main cliche argument of that the’re taking American jobs – I live on the Mexican border, I live seven miles of the Mexican border
in a town, Bisbee, Arizona – little town –


I can go out any day and watch border patrol arresting these guys by the dozen, 11 at a time out of a Dodge Omni; like a clown car with plastic cuffs ‘yeah yeah’ and you’re right they don’t speak the language, and they probably have no education they don’t have fuckin shoes half the time, barefoot, tattered cast away like Gilligan’s Island shorts and ‘hey’ like a dirty t-shirt and dehydrated, wandering a desert for 4 days and if that guy is as qualified for your job as you are; you’re a fucking loser of such epic humiliating proportions.
I would be ashamed to have anyone find out that guy took my job, he doesn’t speak English! What did they do your job training in pantomime shithead?
‘Oh — boy boy I see boy boy’ – crank, crank, crank, uh…. da da da … you’re out of here mullet heads.
Hey guys my god, fuck asshole you should have tried harder.
Nobody bitches about immigrants taking that job, if that person has skills of any level. Nothing like fucking brain surgeon sitting around the Beverly Hills hotel lounge, you know really, chaps my ass Barry? Scandinavian fellas are coming over taking all our good neurosurgery positions. The Norwegians specifically. I say we found ourselves a bottle of Jack Daniels and go stomp us some Ouija ass, the first Ouija we see. We — jump out of that Explorer and pound him.
Fucking immigrants all started with that Einstein, once they brought him over from Germany and we didn’t have any good genius jobs, it was a trickle-down effect.


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