[indistinct chattering]
[woman] Oh, this water is so good. I don’t know why I was so thirsty. But anyway, I feel comfortable now. It feels real good in here. Yeah. It’s so good to see you, babe. What are you… Tell me, I’ve been thinking about it… What are you doing with Netflix? Is it gonna be like your… Cole Blooded Seminar that you did?
[indistinct chattering in crowd]
Is it gonna be like the Cole Blooded… you taught? You know, you taught at your Cole Blooded Seminar, you taught. You took the people to school. It’s gonna be… You talked about peanut butter. You talked about, relationships. You talked about sex. I’ll get you on that one.
[indistinct chattering continues]
What else?
[drumbeat]
[theme music playing]
[crowd cheering]
What’s up, Brooklyn? How y’all feeling?
[crowd cheering]
Thank you all for coming out, man. I sure appreciate y’all for coming out to this special and shit, man. Good to see you. How’re y’all beautiful motherfucking faces tonight? Give it up for yourselves, thank you.
[crowd cheering]
I’ma tell you this much, though. These young women have been on my ass lately. I ain’t gonna even lie, look. And I know they’re young, too. Because they’re always asking me for my Instagram instead of my phone number and shit. [crowd laughing] Yeah, that’s young bitch game.
[crowd laughing]
“Wanna go out?” “Yeah.” “What’s your IG?” I’ll be like, “Argh, young bitch! Shit.”
[crowd laughing, clapping]
Could it be some old motherfucker’s asking for my Instagram, I’d be like, “Now, you know you’re too old to be asking for my Instagram. Go get a pen.” [crowd laughing] “You know better, motherfucker. Go get a pen. Old bitch keep a pen, don’t you?” [crowd laughing] All this technology, that motherfucker is still got that pen. [crowd laughing] Phone right here in her hand. [crowd laughing] I asked a woman one day, I was like, “If you see an attractive man, do you come on to him when you him?” She was like, “No.” I was like, “Really?” I was asking another woman out. I was like, “If you see an attractive guy, do you say anything to him?” She was like, “No. If he don’t say nothing to me, then it really ain’t going down.” I was like, “That’s some dumb ass shit, man.
[crowd laughing]
Do you know how many potential soulmates, husbands your goofy ass could have had, [crowd laughing] if you woulda just said hi, waved, winked, smiled, pointed at a motherfucker?” You even ain’t gotta look at the man directly in his eye. You can just look at his way and he’ll get it.” A woman look my way too long, I’ma be like, “I’ma go over there and put this thang on that bitch, I promise.”
[crowd laughing]
I mean, you and I speaking. And you women over 45, let me tell you something. You can’t afford not to speak to anybody. [crowd laughing] You need to be speaking to everybody you see. [crowd laughing] Every door you go through, you need to be like, “Hey, y’all! [crowd laughing] I’m Sheryl. I brought potato salad.” Bitch, you need to boil potato salad every goddamn door you go through, because time ain’t on your side. [crowd continues laughing] Don’t be mad at me. This’s God talking to you right now.
[crowd laughing]
I’m just a vessel. [crowd laughing] Damn, older women know that. See, you gotta understand, like, woman 50, 55 and up, they understand you know that the older you get, and everybody knows this, men and women, the older you get, you know, time becomes the new currency. It really does. Money, I’ma make that. I’ma get that. But my time, you fuck over my time, motherfucker, we’re gonna have a problem because I can’t get that back. [crowd laughing, cheering] Goddamn it! [voice in crowd whoops] [crowd clapping] Motherfucker take me to a fucked up movie, I’ll be like, “Bitch, I’ma need two hours about you.” [crowd laughing] Goddamn it. Older women know that, though. They move as such too. See, they don’t ride with a whole bunch of women and shit. Like when they go out, they don’t ride with a whole bunch of women and shit because it’s too time-consuming, you know. Waiting on three bitches to get ready, you’ll miss the show and shit. [crowd laughing] Going out to eat, one bitch want taco, one want a hotdog, one want a pizza… you’ll starve fucking with these hoes. Old bitch will be like, “No, just send me that address. I’ll meet you out there.”
[crowd laughing]
“No, I’ma meet you all there. Ain’t you gonna be drinking and driving?” “Yes I am, bitch.” [crowd laughing, cheering] Bitch ready to catch a DUI than fuck with you, ho! That’s how serious this is. [crowd laughing] [Deon laughing] Plus they drive by themselves just in case it goes down that night. They can dip off without a whole bunch of judgement and shit. Yeah. [voice in crowd] Yeah! Without a whole bunch of motherfuckers in their business and shit. “Text me when you get in.” “Nah, I’ll be alright, bitch. I don’t need to text you.” [crowd laughing] “I’m 50 for a reason, ho. I’ve made it this far. I’ma be alright. I don’t need to start texting bitches, letting them know I’m leaving.” [crowd laughing] Yeah. [Deon laughing] Older women, lemme ask you something. If you ever have be at a party, and you see a young girl there and that motherfucker be dropping that motherfucker down to the ground, do you be jealous of her knees? [crowd laughing] Yes you do, bitch. Yes you do. [crowd laughing] Young bitch sweeping the floor with her ass. You can’t go no lower than this. All your shit gotta be super-sexy up here.
[crowd laughing]
Bust out Tina Turner shit all there.
[crowd laughing]
[Deon laughs]
And upgrade your sex toys, goddamn it! Some of y’all sex toys are older than your kids. [crowd laughing] Got that same rabbit tongue… [Deon hisses] wand… bullet… It ain’t even a bullet no more. It’s a slingshot, shit. [crowd laughing] Upgrade your shit. There’s some new shit out there right now called, Tracy’s Dog. [woman in crowd screams] [crowd laughing, cheering] [voice in crowd] Our little testimonial holler is right there. [crowd laughing] Shando! Let them use you, sister! Go ahead. [Deon laughs] Tracy’s Dog, this motherfucker is serious, you hear me? It’s only 50 motherfucking dollars, y’all. My son’s mother, she said, “I can’t keep that motherfucker in the house because I ain’t getting any shit done with it in there, alright? Can’t get shit done with that motherfucker in there. This motherfucker is 50 fucking dollars, you hear me?” And this is like this U-shaped device, right? This part goes in, it’s vibrating and it curves around to the top. And on top, there’s this sucking mechanism that goes right on the clit. All it does is just sucks. [Deon hissing]
[crowd laughing]
Ten speeds of sucking on this motherfucker. This bitch will collapse your forehead, I promise you. [crowd laughing, cheering] It’s serious. Now go ahead. Put it in your phone. Go ahead. No, go ahead before you forget it and shit. Put it in your god… Don’t worry about who’s looking at you. Put it in your phone. [crowd laughing] You old women, put it… you know your mind ain’t… doing like it used to be. Go ahead, put it in your phone before you forget it. Sitting there trying to remember that shit. “Ha ha ha, he’s so silly. [crowd laughing] Tracy’s Dog, Tracy’s Dog, Tracy’s Dog…” [crowd laughing] “Tracy’s Dog, Tracy’s Dog… “Okay, I know a bitch, she’s named Tracy. She got a dog. Tracy’s dog. [crowd laughing] You know, Tracy’s… Tracy’s dog.” [crowd laughing] You out there with your man. Your man’s like, “You don’t need that shit.” “You’re right, Daddy.” “Tracy’s Dog, Tracy’s Dog, Tracy’s Dog…” [crowd laughing] [crowd clapping] [indistinct chattering in crowd] Older men change too. It ain’t just women. Men change too. We get old and shit. Like, we can’t fuck the same. No, not at all. The older we get, now, we can’t fuck the same. Shit, sometimes, n*ggas don’t even be thinking about fucking like that, though. For real, though. Just imagine doing this for 50 years. Just…
[crowd laughing]
50 years, just… Picking up all different sizes of bitches. 50 fucking years, just… [crowd laughing] [crowd continues laughing] N*ggas get tired of that shit! 50 years of that shit, no. N*ggas can’t be thinking about fucking all the time. Not successful men. No. Successful older men won’t be thinking about fucking. We’ll be having other shit on our minds like taxes and, “When are the kids moving out?” Payroll… Motherfuckers depend on us. We got payroll. We ain’t got time to be cuddling with your ass all the goddamn time. And then we are cuddling with you, we ain’t thinking about you. [crowd laughing] You know what we’re thinking about? When I’m gonna get the feeling back in my goddamn arm? [crowd laughing] From your big ass laying on it for two hours. If I wanna grab a titty, I can’t feel it. [crowd laughing] Got no time to be cuddling with you, motherfucker I got payroll in the morning. “Grab that goddamn pen and help me crunch these numbers, bitch.” This is what older successful men do when it comes to our wives, girlfriends, fiancées and shit. We fuck to keep you. That’s the realest shit you gonna hear. “Not my man.” Especially your man, bitch.
[crowd laughing]
Whoever the fuck just thought that. We fuck to keep you and that’s it. Your man could be sitting on the couch at home, one sock on, one sock off… [crowd laughing] Holes all in his underwear… Parliament Funkadelic t-shirt… He just ate three sandwiches. You can tell from the bread crust on his plate. Grabbing his plate, going to the kitchen and making a fourth sandwich. [crowd laughing] And you come down the steps looking good to the motherfucker, he’s like, “Where are you going?” [crowd laughing] “I told you it was April’s birthday. We’re going out.” “We’re gonna get something to eat, and after we get something to eat, we’ll go get some drinks, so… you ain’t gotta wait up.” [crowd laughing] “Let me put a little dick in you before you get on outta here.” [crowd laughing, cheering] He didn’t want to fuck. He had to fuck. [crowd laughing] Looking too good. You gotta put that dick in there. You ain’t even thinking about no pussy. He was going to make another sandwich. [crowd laughing] Wasn’t thinking about no goddamn pussy. You gotta put that dick in her before she go out. Man, before somebody else offer her some dick. See, one thing a lot of women don’t do, they don’t do two dicks in one day. That kinda fucks with their psyche and shit.
[crowd laughing]
Yeah. They don’t do two in one day. So you gotta be the first one in there. [crowd laughing] You gotta get in there first. If she goes out and another n*gga offers some dick, she’s gonna be like, “Oh! [crowd laughing] Damn, why did I let that other n*gga fuck me earlier?! Should have listened to my spirit.” [crowd laughing] Fellas, your girl ever come home from out kicking it all night and she goes straight to bed and you’ll be like this, “Hey, baby. I’ve been up waiting on you and shit. I know you had a good time tonight but come on. Hey, I know you’re ready.” She’ll be like, “Look, just let me go to sleep, please.” [crowd laughing] If that happened, you’re number two. [crowd laughing] See how the laughter died down? [crowd laughing] Men, in here like, “Ha ha ha… That bitch did that shit Thursday night.”
[crowd laughing]
There’s a certain age, a man should be where he should no longer be considered a gentleman. Like a motherfucker being 80 years old… He shouldn’t be considered a gentleman, you shouldn’t even look at him to be a gentleman. Motherfucker’s 80. But women don’t give a fuck. As long as somebody’s doing something for your monkey ass, that’s all you care about. [crowd laughing] [woman in crowd] That’s damn true. I’m at the airport and shit, this little young chick she gets to the door, she waiting on somebody to open it, I’m about 30 feet away, I’m like, “N*gga, I ain’t about to go over there and open that door.” But here comes this old teskyer man n*gga like, [crowd laughing] Young bitch go through the door, the door slid his ass on. Like, “You seen I’m struggling, bitch.” [crowd laughing] This woman gets on the plane with her luggage and shit. She like, [groaning] “Ugh! I can’t pick it up.” You knew you couldn’t pick that motherfucker up when you packed all them goddamn sweaters and shit. But you ain’t give a fuck ’cause you thought some man gonna come along and… And sure enough, here come this old civil rights n*gga like…
[crowd laughing, cheering]
We had to grab that n*gga like, “Champ! Sit down, champ. We’ll get it. We’ll get it, champ. We’ll get it, champ.” You gotta call them old n*ggas champ to make them feel like they still got it. It’s all good, champ. You woulda got that shit up there if that bitch didn’t pack up all them sequined sweaters and shit. Those sequins get heavy when they’re in bulk like that, champ. [crowd laughing] I would not be a gentleman for you until I get to know you. Point blank. Period. ‘Cause you don’t even know what the fuck you want, as a collective. You don’t. Some women, you open the door for them, they’ll be like, “Thank you so much.” Some women be like, “I can open the door!” You’ll be like, “Bitch, go open the goddamn door!” [crowd laughing] Scaring me and shit. [crowd laughing] Gentlemen shit. Women judge men on what they’re do and don’t do for them before you even know who we are! Cold game y’all been running it for years. Gentlemen shit. Well, hell, there ain’t no gentlewomen shit to do. Name some gentlewomen shit. Right.
[crowd laughing]
Here’s some gentlewomen shit y’all can do. Just go to a random motherfucker and moisturize his hands. [crowd laughing] Yeah, that’ll work. N*gga talking, “Yeah, I told that n*gga last night…” [crowd laughing] “Well, that’s mighty sweet of you, Ma’am. Thank you very much.” [crowd laughing] Looking at the motherfucker, he like… “Aha!” [crowd laughing] Gentlemen shit. What?! I gotta open the door for you, pull your chair out. If it’s cold outside, I gotta take my jacket off and put it on you but I saw the weather and I knew it was 40 motherfucking degrees. [crowd laughing] So I brought a jacket. So now I gotta catch pneumonia ’cause your goofy ass won’t watch the weather. [crowd laughing] I commend all you young folks out here to taking a stance in life on all kinds of shit like Black Lives Matter. Gay, trans, bi and all that shit. [crowd clapping] [whistling in crowd] I commend y’all, man. It was instilled in our minds back in the day like, if you was gay or something like that, they’d beat your ass and shit if that shit was, if you was gay or whatever. There’s a lot of people my age right now ain’t living their truth because of the way that we was fucking raised and shit. Right now. Real shit. [crowd clapping] Wasn’t nobody gay in my class. Wasn’t nobody gay in my school. Wasn’t nobody gay in my school district.
[crowd laughing]
Not that I know of. Yeah, wasn’t nobody, like, hanging out like that. Man, the motherfuckers was like homophobic as fuck back in the day. I remember my mother took me to one of my uncle’s houses to stay over there for the summer. This n*gga was homophobic as fuck. Had all these rules and shit. We get over there, this motherfucker’s like, [mimicking baritone voice] “Yeah, uh, first of all, I got some rules and shit if you gonna stay here, you understand me? First of all, if you see something in my hair, you leave it there, motherfucker, alright? Don’t no man pick shit out of another man’s hair, you understand me? There’s a feather in there, you leave that motherfucking feather in there. There could be a whole bird in my shit, you leave it in there, motherfucker. If there’s something in my eye, n*gga, you fix your lips to blow on my eye, I’ll rip your motherfucking mouth off. Don’t no man blow on another man’s eye. You let that motherfucker bleed to death, you understand me? If I catch you on your tippy-toes, I’m kicking you and your nuts. If you can’t reach some shit, you get a broom or shoe trying to knock it down. If it don’t fall, it ain’t meant for you, n*gga. But I catch you on your tippy-toes, I’ll fuck you up, you understand that? You put cologne on in this house, n*gga, you spray that shit dead on your clothes. If you spray that shit in the air and walk through, n*gga, I’ll fuck you up. [crowd laughing] “N*gga, if I see this shit… [hissing]
[crowd laughing] I’ll beat your ass, you understand me? And all the food you eat in this house better be solid as a rock, motherfucker. Don’t you eat shit that ooze in your mouth, motherfucker. Ain’t no Twinkies, jelly doughnuts, sunny-side up eggs, Halls Mentho-Lyptus, sucking on that Halls and it burst all in your mouth. You keep your cold, n*gga!” [crowd laughing] Look, I’m nine years old, like, [gasping] “Argh…” [crowd laughing] All I’m saying to the younger generation is, “Be patient with us, being patient with you.” Alright? [crowd clapping] ‘Cause I can only fathom what a motherfucker go through not living their truth and shit, you know. Being something that they’re not, you know. I can, I mean, I sympathize with people like that, you know. I remember one time, I read an article about me. That shit said, “Deon Cole is gay.” I was like, “What?!” It didn’t say, “Is he gay?” “Deon Cole is gay,” like they had facts on this shit. Hey, motherfucker, I ain’t never been gay, goddamn it. Closest I came to being gay was fucking a tomboy.
[crowd laughing, clapping]
That was my n*gga. [crowd laughing] That bitch was cold on the court, n*gga. That bitch was at a crossover… crossing over n*ggas, n*gga. Breaking n*ggas ankles out there, n*gga. I had to let her go though, ’cause every time we had sex she would put her arms under my arms and grab me and do this shit. “Look, get your arms from under my arms, bitch. “That’s some disrespectful shit.” Slide that shit under then grab me like, “Yeah, n*gga.” What the fuck is you doing? Get your arms from me. I like to take pictures of fucked up shit I see, save it on my phone and use it for lies later on.
[crowd laughing, cheering]
[laughs] If I had a girl and I was out all night, she be like, “Where the fuck you at?” Send her a picture of a helicopter crash. [crowd laughing] “As soon as they clean this shit up, baby, I’m on my way home.” [crowd laughing] Men out there like, [mimics] “Ha ha…” [crowd laughing] “Makes sense to me!” [laughter dies down] There, anything fucked up. Take a picture of it. You could use that shit. You see somebody fighting, film that shit. You could easily be like, “Man, that’s my boy. I gotta go help him there.” [crowd laughing] I’m telling you this shit works, n*gga. Dead animals, take a picture of them. Anything fucked up. Oh, here’s the good one. If you see an abandoned car on the side of the road take a picture of that motherfucker there. You could leave in the middle of the night on those. [crowd laughing] Yeah, you get up, get dressed at midnight. Your girl like, “Where the fuck you going?” Be like, “To get my boy a jump.” [crowd laughing] “He’d been out there for three days. I gotta go help him.” “Why is it daylight in the picture, n*gga?” [crowd laughing] “God works in mysterious ways, bitch.” [crowd laughing] How many fellas out here with a thick woman with him tonight? Make some noise. Where you at? [men whooping] [crowd laughing] Should be a few more of y’all clapping. [crowd laughing] [a voice in crowd cackling] You know I can see you, right? [crowd laughing] Let me ask one more time before I start point n*ggas out. How many in here with a thick one tonight? Make some noise. [men shouting] [whistling in crowd] Oh, okay then. Alright. Alright, then. [crowd laughing] Did you clap? Okay. I’m making sure you clapped. There we go, alright. [crowd laughing] N*gga all under the seat with it.
[crowd laughing]
You ever take a thick woman to the ‘hood? That shit’s stressful than a motherfucker. Them ‘hood n*ggas don’t give a fuck you’re with her, they’ll be circling that motherfucker like… [crowd laughing, clapping] [laughing continues] I’d be standing there like I don’t see none of that shit. [crowd laughing] I ain’t getting shot over this motherfucker, n*gga. Putting their dick all on her thighs shit. “You’re just gonna let them do that to me?!” “Let me take this call, I’ll be right back.” Um, I don’t think I’m where I need to be at in my career and shit, you know. I think I’m almost there but I ain’t really there and shit, you know. I can tell I’m not there because, I still got a flyer guy. [crowd laughing] I think if you still got a motherfucker making flyers for you you ain’t really where you, where you really wanna be at in life. [crowd laughing] Dave Chapelle and Chris Rock can post they’re shit, one time. “World Tour. Our latest sellout.” Me? I gotta make individual flyers for every city I go to. And try to appease to them, you know? “Hey, Memphis, I know you like barbeque. Check this slab out tonight at the Comedy Club.” [crowd laughing] Men’s some nasty motherfuckers. Oh we are. You know what we do when we go pee? Any toilet we see, we get to it. If there’s something on the inside rim of that toilet, we gotta piss it off. [crowd laughing] It’s gotta happen. It turn into a game instantly. [crowd laughing] I don’t give a fuck what it is, gum, toilet paper… It could be somebody else’s shit. We don’t care. [crowd laughing] Soon as we see it, we be like, “Oh!” [crowd laughing] We don’t move, n*gga. We froze right on that spot, pissing. When you run out of piss, you be mad as shit, like, [groaning] “No, no! Argh! [groans] Ah, I lost.” [crowd laughing] Let me go get another beer. Who in here used to be racist? [crowd laughing] N*ggas in here like, “Used to be?!
[crowd laughing]
Still is, n*gga!” [crowd laughing] You know what some racist shit is in hotels? Overhead showers. You ever check into a hotel, they got that motherfucker come out the ceiling down? That’s some racist shit. Yeah, they ain’t thinking about n*ggas. Nah, they’re not. They thinking about white folks. When I see shit like that, that let me know ain’t no Black people on the board over there. If there was, there’d be one n*gga like, “Hell no. This shit here coming straight from the ceiling, we n*ggas don’t want that. Water hit our hair first then the rest of us? No!” White folks like that. That make them feel like they’re in a, rainfall or some waterfall. [crowd continues laughing] Nah. N*ggas want that spout out the wall where the water descend down and we can decide how much water we want on our hair if any. If any. [crowd laughing, clapping] You go straight out the ceiling shit. Now you got motherfuckers washing up like this in that motherfucker. [crowd laughing] This white woman called me a nylph. [crowd jeering, laughing] I was like, “Bitch, I ain’t never be your neighbor.” [crowd laughing] I got no money living next door to me… [laughing] You was thinking neighbor, right, Ma’am? [crowd laughing] Excuse me, white lady, you was thinking “neighbor”?
[crowd continues laughing]
Would you like to answer the question or get fucked up? You wanna answer the question or get fucked up tonight, which one? You gonna answer the question? Answer! Neighbor? Alright. There we go. Appreciate that. [crowd cheering] She’s still racist too. [crowd laughing] [Deon laughing] [female voice in crowd laughing] You ain’t Black to me unless you got a case of water on the floor at home. [crowd laughing] That’s how I test n*ggas’ Blackness when I get to their house. I walk around with my hands behind my back. Can I see your pantry please? [crowd laughing] Or laundry room. They’re the same, I think. [crowd laughing] That case of water be dusty than a motherfucker. N*ggas never drink that water, boy. They use it as a stepladder now and shit. [crowd laughing] [Deon snickering] Listen up, white folks. [crowd murmur in laughter] If you go to a Black person’s house, and use their bathroom, and in that bathroom, you see some clean, crispy white towels hanging up…
[crowd laughing]
You better not touch them motherfucker. [crowd continues laughing] Them for show. [laughing continues] You use your clothes like everybody else. [crowd continues laughing] Tonight, fellas, when you go home to your girl, y’all about to get it in and get it popping and shit like that, she wanna get all the way naked, don’t let her get naked. No. This could be your wife or whoever, don’t let her get all in there. Tell her to keep them panties on, yes. Something about a pair of panties on, man, make you feel like uh, you ain’t supposed to be doing this. [crowd laughing] Like you ain’t got enough time. Yeah, tell her to keep them panties on, goddamn it. Just hook the motherfucker to the side. A nice “hookening” just… Yeah. Catch her at night while she brushing her teeth by the sink, you know, before she go to bed. That’s if y’all brush your teeth at night. [crowd laughing] Aw, don’t do that. Don’t do that. There’s a whole bunch of you goodnight hoes in here right now. [crowd laughing] Wrap your hair up, “Goodnight!” [crowd laughing] [voice whoops in the crowd] Ain’t brush shit but your edges, motherfucker. [crowd laughing] She brushing her teeth, come behind her, n*gga, smack her on that ass and shit, she be like, “What you doing?” Hook the motherfucker over here, slide in the motherfucker. Yeah. Now the elastic from them panties gonna eat that dick up on the left side. Oh yeah, it’s gonna chafe the shit out of that dick but keep going, n*gga, you a soldier, go. Go! No burn, no earn, n*gga, roll! [crowd laughing] [Deon chuckles] I got some jokes I’m gonna read for y’all real quick.
[crowd laughing]
Hopefully, y’all like ’em. If y’all don’t, I’ll never see y’all again and all… You ever see a big girl at Whole Foods? [crowd laughing] Anytime I do, I always go up to her and be like, “Today must be your first day.” [crowd laughing] [crowd continues laughing] When you’re in a grocery store checkout line, whose job is it to put the grocery divider down? Is it the person that’s standing there, or the person that walks up because this is a very stressful moment. Go. [crowd laughing] The person standing there. Yeah, fuck that! Why fucking would I put the divider down and probably ain’t nobody even behind me? It should be the job of the person that walks up to put the divider down to buy their groceries. [crowd laughing, cheering] I’m in line, this white dude come behind me like, [groaning] “Ugh!” [crowd laughing] I’m like, “Wait a minute, white n*gga, I ain’t know that was my job to put that down.” Come over here stressing me out, white n*gga. [crowd laughing] [voice in crowd laughing] You ever curse when you pray? [crowd laughing] Y’all some bourgeois motherfuckers. [crowd laughing] [mimicking] “Lord, keep these hating assholes off of a bitch, God. [crowd laughing] Don’t wanna see a bitch be great, God.” [crowd laughing, cheering] You ever asked God to hurt somebody? [crowd laughing] [mimicking] “Lord, please kill my supervisor. “I’ll glorify your name forevermore. Shaloh!” [crowd laughing] You ever be wearing some pants, go home take them off? Next day, you wake up, you be like, “Shit. Didn’t nobody see that outfit?” [crowd laughing, cheering] So you put them same pants on. You just going on with your day. About an hour later, you notice a big knot in your pants, and it’s your drawers from yesterday?
[crowd laughing]
“My good drawers, too. I can’t throw these away.” I just push them up by my dick until I get home. [crowd laughing] White people don’t laugh at that joke ’cause they wear their shit five days any goddamn week. [crowd laughing] Why do you guys do that? [crowd laughing] [Deon clears throat] I only call white people “guys” ’cause it makes them feel comfortable and shit. Y’all n*ggas do it too at work. Put on your white voice and shit. [crowd laugh] “Hey guys, we’re going to lunch.” [crowd laughing] “You’re buying?” “Thanks, guys.” [crowd laughing, some clapping] I never call Black people “guys.” Never call n*ggas “guys.” Like, “Hey guys, wanna smoke a blunt?” [crowd laughing] [Deon sniffs] “Who the fuck you calling guys, n*gga? [crowd laughing] Get your moist ass outa here, motherfucker.” [crowd laughing] Is it racist to say, “No way, Jose”? [crowd laughing] ‘Cause that’s my shit. I love saying it. Let’s find out. Hold on. Where the Hispanic people at? Make some noise. [whooping in crowd ] Hey! I can say that shit, right? [voices in crowd] Yeah! See, this is how you learn, motherfucker. Ask questions. Yeah. Goddamn it. [a few voices in crowd laugh] Can white people say it? [voices in crowd] No! [crowd laughing] Sorry, guys.
[crowd continues laughing]
They’ll fuck you up. Don’t say it, guys. Refrain. Do vegan women swallow? [crowd laughing] [poof sound] [crowd continues laughing] ‘Cause it’s life so… I don’t know. I don’t fucking know. Protein? [crowd laughing] It’s protein. Men be running that game a long time. “Hey, bitch, get over here and get this protein in your life. Looking a little flimsy on that couch.” [crowd laughing] [female voice in crowd cackling] [crowd laughing unrestrained] Some more testimonial chuckles over here. [crowd laughing, cheering] Late, late, late at night, right before you go to bed, you had some nasty sex. I’m talking about nasty, like, you gotta kill this bitch after y’all done. [crowd laughing] She got secrets on you now. [crowd laughing] Nasty. I’m talking about sucking and licking and cum shots to the face and riding a man’s face raw, moustache all white, just… nasty. [crowd laughing, cheering] And right before you go to bed, do you say your prayers?
[crowd laughing unrestrained]
I do. [crowd laughing] I had a whole day that happened before that episode that I gotta give God the glory for. So yes, I say my prayers. [crowd laughing] I be on my knees butt-ass naked, glistening. [crowd laughing] Lips stuck together. [crowd laughing] [smacks lips] “Heavenly Father, we thank you for this wonderful day that you created, Lord. [smacks lips] Without Your grace and mercy, I don’t know where I’ll be, Lord.” [crowd continues laughing] [voice in crowd] Oh my God! [crowd continues laughing, muttering indistinctly] I was having sex with this girl and she screamed out, “Deeper!” And I said, “Tighter!” And then, [crowd laughing] and then we both sat there, depressed, [crowd continues laughing] because we knew we weren’t gonna get what we wanted. [crowd laughing and cheering] [continued cheering, whistling] [groans] Oh, man. Here’s a fun fact, pretty women are never in the way. Pretty women are never in the way. They’re not. “Oh, excuse me.” “Nah, you’re straight. You’re good.” [crowd laughing] “No, don’t worry about him. He bleeds in the neck all the goddamn time. You good. Stay where you are. That’s it.” My taste in women changed a lot, you know. The type of women I’m into right now is, lonely women. [crowd laughing]
[voice in crowd whoops]
Lonely. Like, lonely. [crowd continues laughing] Like, she gotta use her hanger to zip up her dresses. [crowd laughing] See how there wasn’t a lot of laughter there just then? A lot of women evaluating their lives right now. Yeah, that truth hurt, doesn’t it? Yeah, it was all fun and dandy when I was talking about the fat bitch and old fools, right? Oh yeah, they was in here, kicking it up. [crowd laughing] “Ha ha ha. Fat bitch. Ha ha ha.” [crowd laughing] Lonely bitch. [crowd laughing] You better smile. Everybody gonna know you’re the lonely bitch. [crowd laughing] Smile. Lonely. Motherfucker got a closet full of sundresses. [crowd laughing] [crowd laughing] [Deon chuckles] Hard to fuck with them zippers. [laughing] Look at all the lonely motherfuckers. [crowd laughing] I’m gonna keep talking about it until you smile. [groaning] Lonely. Bitch ain’t even got a shadow. [crowd laughing] Shadow-less bitches. That’s what I like. Lonely. Motherfucker ain’t never been in the carpool lane. [crowd laughing] “Why they going so fast over there?” You gotta know somebody to be in that lane. You will forever be in traffic.
[crowd laughing]
Don’t get in your emotions, this is still jokes. Stay with me, motherfucker. [crowd laughing] I like older women. Nice little vintage piece, you dig? Yeah. Gotta have a nice vintage piece in your life. Keep everything all civilized, you know what I’m talking about? Yeah. I love me a nice vintage piece. I love me a woman with more yesterdays than tomorrows. [crowd laughing] Say it again for the people on top. [crowd laughing] [yelling] I love a motherfucker with more yesterdays than tomorrows!
[crowd laughter quietens]
Yes, nice vintage piece, you dig? Nice nurturing motherfucker. Yes. Treat you so good, you understand why her son won’t leave. [crowd laughing] Motherfucker 38, still at home. He moved his girlfriend in. [crowd laughing] [Deon laughing] All her money be warm. [crowd laughing] “Go get me some bread.” [crowd laughing, cheering] Hmmm! [crowd laughing] Every time we get in her old ass car, it takes us 15 minutes to pull off. Now she gotta find the right CD to play in her book of CDs. [crowd laughing] “This ain’t it. Hand me that red book down there. This ain’t it. The one that say “nephew.” Give me that. Now where’s my Sounds of Blackness?” [crowd laughing] She always making me feel sick. Be coming to my house, “Ooh, it’s hot in here!” What you got the heat on?” “The air’s on 65.” “No, it ain’t! You must be sick! Go in there and take some Theraflu.” Three p.m. n*gga, I’m drowsy than a motherfucker. Fucking with this motherfucker on her hot flashes. [crowd laughing] Motherfucker has seven fan chains on. [crowd laughing] Everywhere we go, I gotta get this bitch a cup of crushed ice. [crowd laughing] Y’all sleep with an older woman? [whooping] Whoop! They’ll wear your ass out, boy. An older woman? Aw, n*gga, their… A hole will outlast a pole on them motherfuckers. [crowd laughing] They’ll wear your ass out, n*gga. If they don’t catch no cramp, shit. [crowd laughing, clapping] Wear your ass out. Fuck your ass into slave sleep. [crowd laughing] You ever have slave sleep, n*gga? [Deon snickering] It’s an inch from death, n*gga. You be… [crowd laughing] Cotton field sleep, n*gga, that…
[crowd laughing]
Older woman will fuck you to slave sleep. Now when you have sex with an older woman, they don’t be making a whole bunch of noises and shit, nah. They just give you encouragement. [crowd laughing] “Go ahead in there, baby. Go ahead. Get in there. No, go ahead. This ain’t my first rodeo. You ain’t gotta be shy. Go ahead. Push it on in there. Push it. There you go! There he is! I knew he’s show up. There he is! Go on ahead, baby. Put that back, where I had that leg. Put that back. Put it back. There you go now. Go on, big guy. Go on, get up in. There ya go. Alright now, get off them knees. Get off them knees.” [crowd continues laughing] What she want me off my knees for? [crowd laughing] I keep all my vintage women the same. I keep them all farsighted. [crowd laughing] They can see for miles and miles and miles. But when we in bed together, shoulder to shoulder, and I’m texting hella hoes… [crowd laughing] she can’t see none of that shit. And I keep my fonts real small. [crowd laughing, clapping] My screen black as night.
[crowd laughing]
She be trying to see, though. That motherfucker be like… [crowd continues laughing] Don’t strain your brain, bitch. You know you can’t see this shit. But when she put on them readers, [crowd laughing] them Walgreen Number Threes, [crowd laughing] the one with the chain on the back of them motherfuckers? That bitch could see through my sim card wearing them motherfuckers. Put my phone under the mattress, n*gga. [laughing] I keep a young piece too, you dig. Yeah, it’s all about balance, you know what I’m talking about. Yeah. All about balance. That’s what it is. She keep me vibrant. Keep me on my toes and shit, you know. Always show me the cool little TikTok videos and shit. We busting up together and shit. I be like, “Ha ha ha, send me that.”
[crowd laughing]
That make her happy when I tell her, “Send me that.” That mean the video hot. She be like, “Oh, let me send it to you.” [crowd laughing] She’d be playing me all the new music out and shit. And I be blowing her mind ’cause I tell her where all her original samples come from and songs. [crowd clapping] I be like, “You know, Curtis Mayville made that, right?” Like, “What?!” [crowd laughing] I keep all my young pieces the same too. None of them can read cursive. [crowd laughing] You know they don’t teach penmanship in college, right? It’s all typity-type type type. Yeah, they don’t know how to read cursive, motherfucker. Cursive is the new pig Latin, n*gga. [crowd laughing] They can’t read that shit. Show a young person the big S in cursive. They don’t know what it is. They’d be like, “What’s that? The infinity sign? What the fuck is that?” They don’t know. [crowd laughing] I’d be writing love letters to my vintage bitch in front of my little young piece. [crowd laughing] She don’t know what the fuck going on there. She be trying to follow my pen and shit. [crowd laughing] Mail it. [crowd laughing] Getting old is the goal. Know that getting old, is the goal.
[crowd clapping, cheering]
You want to be at a certain age in your life, man. You wanna get there and shit. Your 40, upper 40, your 50s and shit. You wanna be there like, it’s a sexy place to be, goddamn it. I promise you that, boy. For real. [crowd whooping, clapping] There’s a I-don’t-give-a-fuckness that just, drench your mind, body and soul. Unlike you ever been before. [crowd continues cheering] There’s a selfishness too that you love and embrace, goddamn it. You don’t care about shit. Not even your kids. [crowd laughing, clapping] You’re like, “I did the best I could do. Y’all get the fuck out.” [crowd laughing, muttering indistinctly] If you got a kid over the age of 19, you got the right to say you don’t have kids. [crowd laughing] Next time you go out, ladies, and the motherfucker like, “How many kids you got? You like, “None. What we drinking?” [crowd laughing] I be asking women. I be like, “You got any grownups?” [crowd laughing] You know, I’m old and I embrace that shit, goddamn it. This is my shit, goddamn it. I’m at that age now where as soon as I get somewhere, I’m ready to go. [crowd laughing] I don’t give a fuck how long it took me to get ready. I don’t care how long it took me to get there. I go on that bitch and spin around. [crowd laughing, clapping] Alright.
[crowd laughing]
[voice in crowd whooping]
I used to think old people were rude. They always cut your off when you’re talking. But that ain’t the case. They just got say what they gotta say before they forget it. [crowd laughing] I do that same shit now. You could be telling me a cure for AIDS. I’ll be like this, “What?! All you go to do is… “Wait, wait, wait. They got greens on sale down the street.” [crowd laughing] “Alright. Back to AIDS. Go ahead.” [crowd laughing] I’m old, n*gga. I’ll be working out to slow music.
[crowd laughing]
♪ It’s seven o’clock On the dot I’ll be in ♪
♪ My droptop cruising the streets ♪
[crowd laughing]
♪ Pretty little lady ♪
Fuck all that fast shit. It’s about to burn, n*gga. The slow burn. [crowd laughing] You know you’re old when your favorite DJ start wearing glasses. [crowd laughing] [crowd continues laughing] Like, look at Kid Capri blind ass up there. [crowd laughing, clapping] [Deon blabbing] [crowd laughing] I can’t chew and hear at the same time. [crowd laughing] I cannot eat cornflakes and watch CNN. [crowd laughing, clapping] I will miss valuable information. I gotta stop chewing in order to hear. [crunching sounds] [mimicking crushing sounds] “Who got murdered? What the fuck they talking about?” My vintage bitch be sitting there eating oatmeal. [crowd laughing] “If you ate oatmeal, you’d know who got murdered now.” [crowd laughing] Motherfucker always got one up on me, doesn’t she? [crowd laughing] I can’t fuck on a full stomach.
[crowd laughing]
Too old for that shit. I ain’t doing that shit no more. “We gonna fuck before we eat. [crowd laughing] I’ma feed you. [crowd laughing] You just gotta trust me. [crowd laughing] You want me to sign something, I’ll sign something. But we’re fucking first.” [crowd laughing] I’m sick of going to eat, coming back trying to fuck all bloated and shit. Here come your big ass crawling on top of me. [breathless] And I got to breathe like this so I don’t throw up on your ass. You ever catch the ‘itus and try to fuck, n*gga, you be like… [crowd laughing] [voice in crowd] Too old! Too old to fuck with squirters. You can handle this. This grown talk we doing. I don’t fuck with that squirt shit. That shit is silly.
[crowd laughing]
That some young man shit. That’s silly, shit, that squirt shit is silly. [crowd laughing] You don’t even know what that shit is, do you? Well, don’t come over to my house shooting that shit all over the goddamn place. You calm that pussy down. [crowd laughing] That pussy don’t know how to act, you and that pussy get the fuck out my house. Fucking my sheets up and shit. You know long it take a n*gga my age to change sheets?
[crowd laughing]
I gotta put this corner on and come around here. Put this corner on then that corner to pop off then I gotta come back over. Lay on the bed and hold this part with my foot. Put this here, then I realize I put the short side on the long side of the bed. Now I gotta lift all that shit up with the pillows up and turn it around. [crowd laughing, cheering] Bitch, you squirt in my bed, I’ll sling your ass smooth out my window. [crowd laughing] Can’t cum on my back like I used to. [female voice in crowd laughs] [crowd laughing] So many testimonial cries in here tonight!
[crowd laughing]
Can’t cum on my back like I used to. When I was young, I lay on my back, that shit come out like a oil rig. Hey. [Deon] Hey!
[crowd laughing]
Ceiling fan going around, I hit every blade on that motherfucker. [crowd laughing] Not no more. Now my shit is more like a fondue machine. [crowd laughing] It just come up and over the sides.
[crowd laughing, clapping]
It ain’t just me. There’s some fondue n*ggas out here. Any n*gga hairline back here fondued out. Any bald head n*gga fondulicous n*gga. Women, you seen the progression of that shit from you when you was younger till now. Back in the day, yous had to run to catch that nut then, you’ll be like… [crowd laughing] Now, you just sit there and be patient.
[crowd laughing]
[mic reverberates]
[crowd laughing]
[blowing sound]
Yo Brooklyn, I’m Deon Cole.
[crowd cheering]
[crowd cheering, whistling]
I wanna tell y’all something real quick. When y’all come to these comedy shows, and specials and shit like that, man, do me a favor, y’all. Give it and then what I’m about to say, I ain’t saying this for claps, so I want you to hear me. Give the comedian’s love, y’all. ‘Cause I’m a let you know something. Comedians be some hurt motherfuckers, man. We gotta put away everything that’s bothering us in order to come make y’all happy and we not complaining. It’s part of the job. A boxer get hit, so that’s just the job and shit. But you never understand what the comic is going through. He has to constantly be doing this shit and being happy around everybody when his whole fucking world is caving the fuck in. And y’all don’t know that. That’s a lot of hurt motherfucking comics out there. Me, personally? I’m coming out here doing the special and shit but this past year was hard for me, y’all. I lost my aunty, two of my uncles, my mother’s best friend, and I lost my moms. My mom, is the only thing I have ’cause like, I’m the only child and it’s just her. I ain’t have no father and no brothers and sisters and shit. It’s just her, and I lost her. And I lost her a year to this day. She died last year this day. And I said to myself, “I want her name to ring and I want her to be out here and live through me.”
[crowd cheering]
But hold on. That shit devastated me and I’ve been fucked up ever since. But when I come out here and I get love from y’all, I’ll be good. But I know there’s other people out there going through the same thing, man. They told me there’s a club called the 50 Club. And motherfuckers close to 50 or at 50, we lose our parents ’cause our parents is like 70 and 80 and shit. There’s a lot of people going through the same thing I’m going through right now. I’m not normal, motherfucker, I promise you. And I’m trying to live normal every fucking day. I’m trying to find a new normal in this fucking world. But when you got people like that, and I know y’all out there, I know you lost your parents, and I’m here to tell you, man, you ain’t alone. I’m here for you as long as everybody else is too. And anybody that you see who lost their parents, you embrace them. Go try and make them still be normal as fuck, they’re not. They hurting, they crushed. And they lost. Just like me.
So I dedicate this to my mother, Charleen Cole. I love you to death, Ma. And thank y’all, Brooklyn, I hope you had a wonderful time. I love you, Mommy. I miss you so much.
[crowd cheering]
And I thank y’all Brooklyn, man. I appreciate y’all, man.
[crowd cheering]
[somber music playing]
[crowd continues cheering]
[crowd laughing]
[voice in crowd whistling]
[crowd continues cheering]
