Demetri Martin: Live (At The Time) (2015) | Transcript

Air date: August 14, 2015
Recorded at The Lincoln Theater in Washington D.C.

[rock music plays]

[crowd cheering]

Thank you. Thank you so much, everybody. Thank you for clapping. I appreciate that. Thank you. Thanks. Thanks a lot. Thank you. That’s cool. All right. This is a good crowd. This is… All right. Thank you. That guy has a high voice. – [laughter] – [laughs] All right, I got a lot of jokes, so I’m just gonna start telling them. Here we go. I went to a baseball game last summer in a stadium and they had a huge TV in the stadium. A Jumbotron. And this guy proposed to his girlfriend using the giant TV. He put her name up there, said, “Will you marry me?” She said yes. The crowd went wild. They found the couple in the audience. I was sitting there thinking, “God, that’s so romantic. That’s so cool.” And then I remembered thinking, you know, you could also use a screen like that if you’re having trouble breaking up with somebody. Be like, “Hey, I’m gonna grab a hot dog. But you should definitely look at that screen.” That’s a smooth way out of it.

I think my favorite sign that I’ve seen is “Bridge May Be Icy.” ‘Cause it’s so honest, you know? It’s just like, “Bridge… may be, I don’t know. I’m… …a sign. I don’t have a conscious mind. I’m… …a tilted yellow square. What are these shapes on the front of me? I mean, bridge may be chocolate. Whatever you want. I don’t care.” “Bridge may not be icy.” That means the same thing as “Bridge may be icy.” That’s… even better, you know? More optimistic. That’s a better sign. “Bridge may not be icy.” Hey, I like your attitude, sign. “Bridge probably not icy. Give it a shot.” Even better. It’s August, bridge probably not icy. You’re right.

One sign I don’t like is “Please use other door.” You’re a fucking door, you don’t get to take a break. Just be a door. Just swing. This door thinks it’s a wall. This is ridiculous. When I see “Please use other door,” I wish I had a sign with me to put on the other door that says “No, no, no. Use… first door. First door pulling bullshit. First door lazy. Use first door. Trust me, find way to use first door.” Yeah. Okay.

[chuckles] I like that sign “Beware of dog.” I saw that at Staples, they had them. They look really professional. I just wanted to buy a pile of them. Just put ’em up in stupid places, you know? Like… like in the men’s room of a fancy restaurant. Guy gets up to go to the bathroom, “Oh, shit. There’s a… There’s a dog in the men’s room. I think I’m…” Just hang one around a dog’s neck. What a vicious, considerate poodle we have here. Look at that. Or maybe, you know, like if you get a massage, they lay you down on that table, and there’s a hole that you look through. Just centered under the hole on the floor. Guy’s like, “Oh, I’m gonna get a massage. Great. Oh, shit. There’s a freaking dog in this room.”

Pets are animals that are not delicious. I don’t think that was by mistake. I think we probably tried to eat all of them. Like, “Okay, these don’t taste good, so we’ll give these first names and sweaters and we’ll hang out with them. And then, uh, let’s eat the rest. Let’s eat these.” [laughs] We even eat birds. I can’t believe we eat birds. How did that start? Somebody was like, “You see that flying up there? I wanna put that in my mouth. Yeah, that looks good.” “It’s covered in feathers.” “No, no, no. I’ll do some shit to it. I’ll make it good.” “What if it doesn’t taste good?” “Well, then I’ll capture it, and I’ll put it in a cage and it’ll live in my kitchen. And I’ll have it shit on old news.”
I think we’re mean to birds, man. Like… I mean, turkeys, we break the wishbone. We’ve killed the bird, we’ve cooked it, and we’ve eaten it. Then we’re like, “You wanna break its fucking bones, man?” “Yeah. Yeah, let’s… let’s break its bones, man. We’ll make a wish.” “What did you wish for?” “Death to all turkeys.”
It seems like there’s a fine line between having a pet and having a hostage from a different species. You go to somebody’s house, they’re like, “Close the door. He’ll get out. Close the door! He’ll get out!” Okay. What kind of relationship do you have with this dog exactly? Owner walks away, the dog’s like… [pants] “He’s not looking. Open the door, let me out. Come on. I can’t shit when I want to. Open this door! This woman put sunglasses on me last week. I’m gonna eat her when she’s sleeping if you don’t open the goddamn door right now.”

I saw a poster that said “Missing cat.” They had a picture of the cat and a whole description. Missing, huh? I think that’s from the human perspective. The cat made that poster, it would say, “Free cat. Finally.” Picture of the cat would be like… “Cat is hunter, cat gets own food, cat has no first name, don’t look for cat, fuck off, leave cat alone, fuck off.” Okay, cat, we get it. Jesus.

The hairless cat, that’s a weird looking animal. Looks like somebody procrastinated when they were designing animals or something. Like, “Okay, animals are due for earth today.” “I thought they were due Monday.” “No, they’re due today.” “Oh, shit. Uh… Yeah, no, I am finished. Uh… It’s, uh… The hairless cat, what do you think?” “I think it looks like a meth addict. Let’s see what God says, come on.” I wonder what the hairless cat looks like to regular cats. Just walks by and they’re like, “Whore.”

I’ve learned that there’s a fine line between killing a fly and applauding a fly. There was one in my living room, I was trying to kill it. But I was too slow. So was I just… …following the fly around my house, clapping for it. Sending the exact wrong message to the fly. He’s like, “Oh, this guy, uh… he likes what I’m doing. Huh, you like that? You think that’s impressive, let me fly right up to your face give you a close-up of some of this. Oh, now he’s waving at me.” I have an L-shaped sofa. Lowercase. – [applause] – Thanks.

Soap scum seems like a really harsh term for that stuff. Maybe we overreacted a little bit with that one. “Look at this soap scum.” “I think that’s just dried soap, man.” “No. This shit betrayed me. This used to help me clean, now I have to clean it? It’s the lowest form of soap there is, man. You’re looking at scum right there.”

When I was little, I learned that “please” was the magic word. Then I got a little older, and I learned that “abracadabra” was the magic word. Then I learned that they’re never interchangeable, under any circumstances. “For you, sir.” “I will have the grilled cheese with tomato, abracadabra.” “Okay, here’s your grilled cheese. Enjoy.” “Will you abracadabra just look at me when I’m talking to you?” “Bitch, abracadabra.”

And there’s a fourth example, but I can’t say it ’cause I’m a white comedian. [laughter] Those are the rules. White privilege does not extend onto the stage, you see. One thing you don’t see that often is a black magician. There aren’t that many black magicians. Probably because of racism. If a black guy makes something disappear, they’re like, “Hey, get him!” “It’s magic.” “No, you’re black.” White guy can make a whole woman disappear. They’re like, “Ah, she’s fine. He’s white. Don’t worry about it.”

People get so mad when you run and try to catch the elevator. I can’t get over how angry they get. What they really hate is when you run and catch it and you go, “I just wanna say hey, everybody. Have a good ride. Okay?” They don’t like that. People are crabby in elevators. One time I was in an elevator and I hit the wrong floor. And then I hit my floor. And people looked at me like I stabbed a baby in front of them or something. I just… I just made a mistake, you know? Longest moment of my life was when we got to the first floor that I hit… The doors opened, and nobody got on, nobody got off. I was like… [humming nervously] The elevator was like, “Oh, this asshole messed up. I’m gonna stay open extra long.” I had to, like, improvise some sort of a cover, you know? I just leaned out, I was like, “Bobby? Pssh. He said he was gonna met me on four. That’s weird. [makes farting sound] Anyway…”

If you ask somebody how they’re doing, sometimes they’ll say, “A-OK.” It’s like they’re giving you the beginning of a weird multiple choice answer or something. “How you doing?” “A-OK. B-suicidal. Uh… C-horny.” “Okay, I think I’m gonna head out.” “D-all of the above. Hold on.”

I was in the supermarket and I saw they had prune juice for sale. And I had to stop ’cause I was like, “Prune juice? I thought prunes were dried plums. What the hell is prune juice? How hard are we squeezing these prunes?” “Come on, you little shit. We’ll get some juice out of you. Come on.” “Okay, that’s 97 prunes, we have one glass. Should we keep going?” There’s no such thing as prune juice. That’s bullshit. That’s plum juice. That’s the reason you’re a prune is that we took the juice from the plum, leaving you. And then you took credit… …calling it your juice? What a dick move, prunes. I’ve never seen raisin juice for sale. Prunes are pushy. I mean, that’s their nature. You eat a prune… [laughs] – That’s like… – [applause] …sending a cop into your stomach to break up the party. Food’s digesting, having a good time, you eat a prune. “Lights on. Let’s go. Everybody out. Come on, move. We gotta go. Go.” Piece of broccoli, “My friend’s still in there.” “I don’t give a shit. No pun intended. We gotta clear the room.” Freaking prunes. You ruin everything.

I like French toast way better than toast. I think a French kiss is nicer than just a plain kiss. So I guess the rule is if you make something French, – you make it better. – [woman cheers] – Except for people. – [laughter, applause] It’s the… it’s the one exception. But, you know… [laughs] I’m just saying they’re not better. They’re equal, they’re the same as us. French people…

A souvenir is a funny thing to me. What an interesting concept. It’s like, “Hey, I got you something to remember the time I went to Paris and you didn’t. Yeah, put this on your mantle so you can remember the time that I had a great vacation and you stayed home ’cause you couldn’t afford to go. There you go, enjoy. A piece of garbage from another continent. Do what you want with it.”

I like airports, though, ’cause they have those flat escalators. People never look more like groceries than when they’re going through an airport. Just going by. I wanna get one of those rubber dividers in the supermarket, just put it on the thing there. “This is my stuff, that’s your stuff. Don’t try to make me carry your shit, okay? That’s mine.”

I don’t like when I’m stopped at a stoplight, I’m sitting there in my car, the light changes, and people in the crosswalk, and they don’t, like, hurry up to get out of the way. And sometimes it’ll be like a tough guy in the group, and he’ll, like, slow down almost. Just to show how tough he is. He’s like looking at my car like he’s gonna fight it. You know? I think you should be able to hit one person a year – with your car. – [laughter, applause] Not to kill, just to communicate. Just to say, “Hey, you know, it was my turn.” Then as he rolls over the top of your car, maybe he’d be thinking, “God, this guy used his one hit for the year on me. Maybe I’m a dick.” Yeah. If I’m in the crosswalk and the light changes, I’m not saying I run out of the way, but I make a gesture to the driver who’s waiting to let them know that I’m not a dick. Know what I mean? The light changes, I don’t run, but I do a thing with my arms. I go… Just so they can see, “Oh, his torso’s running. Look. He’s trying. This guy’s… He’s a good person. You see that? The top half is considerate.” I like that at a lot of crosswalks they have a countdown. It’s like they tell you exactly when it will be funny to push your friend into traffic. Just like, “Here we go.” One time I was at a crosswalk and I saw a guy wearing the same shirt that I was wearing. It was kind of a specific shirt and I looked at him, and he was a dork. Just like a dorky looking guy. And I thought, I’ve got the same taste as a dork. That makes me a dork. That sucks. You know? Two months later, I’m in a restaurant. It happened again. I see a guy wearing the same shirt that I’m wearing, but he was really good-looking. He was with a beautiful woman. And I just looked at him and I thought, “I’m the dork.” [laughter] Can’t win.

I bought a box of crackers, took out the first cracker, and I looked at it, it had holes throughout the cracker. I was trying to figure out, why are there holes? For aerodynamics maybe? Just… whoosh! Oh. Look how quickly I can eat these crackers. [whooshing] I’m so glad they perforated them with that tiny drill press. That’s like [whooshing] Without those, ugh! Fucking wind resistance on these crackers. That joke never does well, but I like it. – So I don’t give a shit. – [applause] I believe in it. You know, there were like six people in here who liked it, so that’s, you know, that’s my demographic for the crackers joke. And it’s… I stand by it. How bad does a guess have to be for it to be an uneducated guess? “Do you know the temperature outside?” “Uh, carrots?” “Did you say carrots?” “Yeah, I was just guessing. I don’t know, carrots?” “Are you educated?” “No. No, I’m not.” “Okay. Well, that makes sense because it’s never been carrots outside and never will be carrots. So you need to get an education, go to school, then come back to me, maybe you can make an educated guess.” “Okay.” I wonder what a walrus vampire would look like. Probably a lot like the other walruses, I don’t know. Be hard to pick it out of a crowd. [laughs]

I like the word “folks” ’cause it’s so positive. You know, black folks, white folks, Asian folks. It’s just got a good feel to it. You never hear, “I was at a party and these fucking folks showed up. Folks are the worst, man.” You never hear on the news, “22 folks were killed when a bus hit a train.” “Oh, those poor folks!” Quesadilla, that’s a word that you never see the English translation for. You never see that in English. You know? They just keep it in Spanish. I guess ’cause maybe it’s too awkward or something. You know, “And for you, sir?” “I will have the quesa… ‘cheese female small, ‘ please. One little cheese girl for me, that’d be great.” [chuckles] “Okay. You want any peppers or chicken in there?” “No, I think she’s been through enough. I’ll just have the… [laughs]” I feel like they could bring fajitas out from the kitchen a little bit later. There’s a lot of showboating going on with fajitas. Seems unnecessary, a fire emergency coming through the dining room. “Ah, it’s fajitas, they just need attention. Fuck ’em.” I was eating some fajitas and I burnt the roof of my mouth. And I was like, “Ow! The roof of my mouth, that hurts. It’s really tender. Wait a minute. The roof of my mouth? This is the ceiling of my mouth. The roof of my mouth is way up here. Whoever named this was not using the attic of their mouth at all.” [laughter, applause] Thanks. I love applause for head architecture. This is a good crowd. I took Super Shuttle from the airport. I think they forgot to put the word “slow” in the middle – of their name. – [scattered applause] Hey, if I’m eating some Tic Tacs, and you want some, I’m happy to give you some. Just don’t give me a specific number. It’s too stressful. You know? You want two? Okay, one… 11. Fuck. No, I don’t want those back. Just… They’re in your palm, just keep them. Okay? Thank you. When I was in high school, I took karate. One time I lost my temper in class. That’s when I learned that there’s a difference between taking karate and receiving karate. I received the shit out of that karate.

I like when people use the term “color scheme.” ‘Cause it sounds so sneaky. “Okay, we’re gonna make this room look great, and here’s how we’re gonna do it. Blue. Beige. Green. Sh! Somebody’s coming. Don’t talk about colors. Hey, how you doing? What’s up?” [chuckles] Sometimes the opposite of something bad is also bad. It’s confusing. Like pickpocketing. That’s bad. But I found that putting thing in people’s pockets is also bad. So pickpocketing and its opposite, put-pocketing, are both bad. Logic is tricky. When we talk to babies, sometimes we use baby talk. I guess to relate to the baby, we try to sound more like a baby. You know, we’ll be like, “Hello, goo-goo, boopie.” We should do that with old people too. “Oh, hello, Grandpa. Come here, you tired? Oh, hello. Yes, oh. Hello.” If I live long enough, that joke is gonna haunt me. [laughter, applause] We should do that with teenagers too. “What’s up, asshole?” “What are you doing?” “I’m talking teen. Teen talk. Don’t worry about it.”

I parked my car in a grocery store parking lot. I got out of my car, and I was walking towards the store and this guy stopped me, goes, “Hey, Demetri.” I said, “Yeah?” He said, “Hey, um, could I be in one of your jokes?” I said, “Uh, sure. How about this one?” [laughter] He was like, “Okay. What does it entail?” I was like, “That’s pretty much it. That’s the joke.” He was like, “Then no. I’m cool. No thanks. I don’t think I wanna be in that joke.” I was like, “Too late. I just told it.” He’s like, “Seriously?” I’m like, “Yeah. You’re in it.” He was like, “Shit.” He walked away, he was pissed off. I was like, “You know, fictional people can be so moody, it’s ridiculous.” It’s interesting that we say “a head of lettuce” but not a “dick of cucumber.” [laughter, applause] “Yeah, give me, uh… give me a dick of cucumber. That’d be great. You know what? Two tits of cantaloupe. Throw those in the bag too. Are kiwis in season? They are. Okay. Three testicles of kiwi and I think we’re good. Good. And a rectum of fig. That sounds delicious.” [laughs] I’d say based on their behavior, cherry tomatoes are not interested in participating in the salad. Kind of like, “Whoa! Nice try. I don’t think so. Watch out. Whoa! Whoa!” How evasive are you gonna be? It’s like I’m trying to stab a rubber ball in this salad. This is ridiculous. It’s just too much work. Then I get to the bottom of the salad and it’s just like a bowl of defiant small tomatoes that are like… “We’re no longer a salad. We’re tomatoes. Now what?” Well, then I’ll just eat you with my hand. Then I bite it, so much drama. It’s like… pssh! Blood! Ahh! Salad is just too much work. You know? You gotta get the ingredients, wash everything, dry everything, mix it together, dress it. Then I go to eat the salad, now I have to make a small copy of the salad on my fork. For every bite. I have to be like, “Okay. Lettuce, onion, cherry tomato, cherry… Forget it. Mushroom, pepper. Gotta make another small salad. Here we go. Lettuce…” “How’s your salad?” “It’s 17 small salads that I had to make.” That’s probably why in a restaurant the waiter’s like, “Are you still working on that salad?” “You’re goddamn right I’m working. I’m exhausted. Take this thing away from me.”

I think if a recipe is unhealthy for you, they should change their tone in how they describe the steps. I feel like the tone never changes. It’s just like a sociopath telling you what to do, and they don’t care if it’s like quinoa or cheesecake. They’re just like, “Just do this, I don’t care.” But if it’s unhealthy, if it’s like cinnamon sticky buns, “Step one: run seven miles. Step six: before combining brown sugar and caramel in bowl, take off all of your clothes and stand in front of the mirror. You sure you wanna do this? [sighs] All right. Step 14: contact your doctor, you have diabetes.” [laughs] I can’t believe people can still die from complications in today’s day and age. That that counts as a valid medical reason. I mean, how’s that even acceptable? “So what happened exactly?” “Well, we got him into the OR, and, uh, we opened him up, and, uh, it was complicated. You know? It’s, uh… it’s a lot of blood in there, all over the place, and the organs are pretty tightly packed. Brenda didn’t have a good lunch, my phone went off twice, it’s just… it was complicated. He’s dead. Okay? Forget about it.” If you get cremated, is it all or nothing? Can you make requests? I wonder if you can be, like, half or something. Like, “What does he want? Okay, says he wants to be cremated from the waist down. Okay?” “Anything else?” “Yeah, open casket. He wants his torso at the one end, then the ashes, and they lead to a lamp, and, uh, he’s dressed as a genie.” [laughter, applause] “Well, good for him. He’s having some fun with it. I think that’s cool.” I was thinking maybe I’d get cremated. But instead of having him put me into an urn, I’d have him put me into, like, an hourglass. Then I could still participate, you know what I mean? It’d be like my grandkids could be playing a board game, they’d be like, “That’s my grandfather on the mantel there. Grab that. Yes. He’s like six minutes. Flip him over. Bonus round, Scattergories. Here we go.” Jokes that end in death don’t usually end happy. Kind of like life. – [laughs] – [audience laughs]

I might just stick to the prepared material for the rest of the set. I thought… I thought I could freestyle a little bit, but the insides came out a little too much there. “How was the show?” “I’m sad.” When they say someone is gone but not forgotten, it’s such a nice sentiment. You know what I mean? Forgotten but not gone… that just sucks. “Did he die?” “Who are we even talking about? I don’t remember.” Oh, that sucks. When something goes wrong, people send you their thoughts and prayers. And, uh, it’s a nice idea, but it’s kind of weird. You know what I mean? I understand sending the prayers, but the thoughts… that’s kind of strange. “What do you got there?” “Demetri sent us his thoughts and prayers.” “How do they look?” “Uh, the prayers look appropriate. Um… The thoughts are kind of weird. He’s… …thinking of clipping his toenails tonight before he goes to bed. I don’t know why we need to know that. We’re grieving here. But thanks.”

I was walking on the beach in California, and a volleyball rolled up by my feet. And this guy yelled, “Little help!” So I just kicked it a little bit towards him. I like watching volleyball. I think it’s a good sport to watch. ‘Cause most sports it looks like all the players really want the ball. But volleyball is different. That looks like nobody wants that thing. Like, “Okay, we don’t want this. You guys take it. Here you go.” Each player’s like, “I don’t want it. You take it. I don’t fucking want it!” “Let’s try this again. We don’t want this.” It looks like a game for people who don’t like volleyballs. Football, on the other hand, that looks like everybody wants that thing so badly. Know what I mean? All the players are like, “Give me the ball. I’ll catch it, I won’t drop it. I’ll covet it, I’ll protect it, it’s mine,” you know? They should make the football look like something that you would protect and covet and hold. A baby. A football should look like a baby. Imagine if they were shaped like babies. Those guys would look like such heroes, like throwing and catching the baby and protecting it, you know? Until they get to the extra point, then it looks like, “I’m sick of this freaking baby.” [thudding sound] – [chuckles] – [applause] Baby just goes through the uprights. “It’s okay.” [laughs]

Indoor sports don’t look as cool as outdoor sports. Pool looks pretty cool. But I’ve seen that in movies where the guy’s like… boof! And the lady walks in, he’s just kind of looking smooth. But I don’t even know what’s the second coolest indoor sport. It’s like a distant second. Maybe darts? She walks in the bar and you’re like… [laughs] Air hockey? Foosball. That’s the worst. You don’t wanna do foosball. Are sheep pubes also wool? How much of my turtleneck is pubes? I don’t know if I want to wear that thing anymore. Pubes on my neck. I don’t like that. You can say “Mind your own business,” or you can say “Mind your own beeswax.” I think that’s the only time you can really substitute “beeswax” for “business.” “Is your trip beeswax or pleasure, sir?” “It’s, uh, it’s a beeswax trip, actually. [laughs] It’s personal beeswax. I’d rather not talk about it.” “What are you doing after college?” “Um, applied to beeswax school. So we’ll see what happens. My dad’s a small beeswax owner.” I like the word “nope” because it’s really specific. That’s for when you wanna say “no,” but you’re also happy about it. “Are you guys still serving breakfast?” “Nope.” ‘Cause you never hear “Unfortunately, nope.” “Nope” is for dicks. Sometimes when I have to fart, I feel like my stomach is like a pushy attorney and my butt is like a judge. They’re going back and forth having this furious debate, just back and forth, more and more heated, and eventually my butt is like, “I’ll allow it.” [laughter, applause] “Sustained. This better be silent, counselor.” It’s so frustrating. I don’t know why, but I think of so many fart jokes. I’ll sit down to write some jokes, we go for a walk, fart jokes just float into my head. I’m prolific with fart jokes. But it’s frustrating because I can’t tell them all, because it’s a bad style to have as a comedian. You know what I mean? You don’t wanna be the guy who tells a lot of fart jokes. So I end up having to hold them in. I actually have to hold in… …jokes about farts, even. And it hurts. Then I get home, and I just tell one giant fart joke… [laughs] …to my place when I’m alone, and that’s terrible. I don’t know a lot about the laws of the universe, but I will say this, just on the topic. If you’re a man and you’re alone somewhere, and you fart, a woman will appear. Just bam! Just like that. It’s like they know and they just send one. “He just farted. Get over there. You’re attractive? Even better. Go, go, go. Stand next to him! Embarrass that dude!” [laughs] My friend said, “I’m way better with faces than I am with names.” It’s like, yeah, me too. Everybody is. If I see somebody, I’m like, “That’s his face, right there. The fleshy part on the front. That’s his face. Yeah.” I heard somebody say, “He’s like a brother to me.” I said, “Oh, I’m so sorry. So he stole a bunch of money from your mom and he tries to fight you whenever you go back to New Jersey? I can relate.” [laughs] – Too real, guys, too real. – [laughter] I was in a jewelry store and they had this necklace, it was like cursive writing in gold. And it said “Diane.” And I went up the saleswoman and I said, “You know, if you had one that said ‘Not Diane, ‘ I think you’d have a bigger market.” And then I heard somebody go, “Oh, that’s a good point.” I turned and it was the guy from the parking lot at the grocery store. – [applause, laughter] – Just like… What are you doing here? He said, “I just wanted to stop into another mediocre joke.” [laughs] People say “shotgun” when they want the front seat. You should say “shotgun” when you’re eating rice and you have to sneeze. [laughter, applause] ‘Cause there’s that moment where there’s no turning back, where you’re just like, “Snowstorm’s about to come out of my face, I don’t know how else to tell you this. Just watch out.”

I’ve heard people talk about their private parts. I’d like to hear someone talk about their public parts. “You okay?” “Yeah, yeah, I just hurt my publics on that door. I’m fine.” “Your publics?” “My hands, man, my publics. You see?” Sometimes I’ll be in an awkward situation, and I’ll try to save it really quickly by saying something fast, but often it just makes it worse. I was at a party and this woman said, “Excuse me, your fly is open.” I said, “For business.” And… “I mean, thank you. Sorry, excuse me.” If you’re on the phone with somebody and they’re looking up some information for you, I don’t know why, but they often make a soft laser sound while you’re waiting. You know what I mean? They’ll be like, “Okay, sir, let me just look up your account number. [softly] Too-too-too-too… Too-too-too-too… Too-too…” What the hell was that? Totally acceptable. Only if it’s a soft laser. It can’t be like, “Okay, sir, just one minute. [makes loud laser sound effects and explosions] There it is. 628… Bum-bum-bum-bum…” When they came out with the Phillips head screwdriver, I wonder if the guy who did the flathead was like, “What? We can get credit for this? Shit!” If I see a scary movie and then I come home, and there’s a noise in my house, it sounds scary. I’ve seen a lot of funny movies, I wish it would work the same way. Like, “Did you hear that in the kitchen?” “Yeah. That was fucking hilarious.” “There is somebody hilarious in this house.” [laughs] “I hope they bump into some more stuff.” I don’t like the way they write on food packaging. I think it’s condescending. Because they use euphemisms where they really shouldn’t. You know? Like, it’ll say “best before April 3rd.” Best before? Is this the time to be discussing excellence? How about “dangerous starting on”? “Diarrhea at.” Food is tricky. Like, milk starts out good, then it becomes bad. Then it becomes disgusting. Then it becomes dangerous. Then it becomes cheese. Way to turn it around, milk! [applause, laughter] Who figured that out? “Man, your place smells terrible. You gotta get rid of this crap.” “Hold on. I just… wait. I wanna see where this is going. This vomit-shit smell might turn into the thing I wanna melt over everything I eat. So just wait.” If I were inventing foods, I would have never come up with the hot dog. That is a very counterintuitive food design. “Okay, what do you got?” “All right. Uh, we start with the intestine of a dead animal. We take all the meat byproduct you were gonna throw away, grind it up, shove it into the intestine.” “I’m listening. What does it look like?” “A severed penis.” “How is it served?” “On a bun that looks like partially spread apart ass cheeks. What do you say?” [laughter, applause] “You’re calling it dog. Hm, very appealing.” “It’ll work in America.”

When I was in grade school, they had the alphabet on the wall above the chalkboard, kind of going around the corner, and it was interesting ’cause you could see the uppercase and lowercase letter for each letter. It looked like a parent and child from each family. You know what I mean? And with some of them, you could really see the resemblance. Like with “X” I was like, “That’s definitely your parent. I mean, I can see you’re like a carbon copy. ‘C’, I totally get it. ‘Z, ‘ ‘S, ‘ I mean… identical.” Others, like, harder to really see, you know? Like “A”, like is that… I don’t know. I don’t really see the resemblance. Looks like an “O” with like a crutch or something. But okay. “R”… did you smoke while you were pregnant or something? ‘Cause… that kid looks unfinished. That’s kind of a weird-looking child you have there. And “Q”, did “P” and “G”… …kind of have an affair or something? And then they were like, “Oh, what are we gonna do with this kid?” And “Q” was like, “I hardly get used. I could adopt it and look after it, just… We’ll call it a ‘Q’. Don’t worry about it.”

If you’re in a restaurant and you wanna get the check, you just go like that and they bring you the check. I think you should be able to do that at your job too. You know? If your boss walks by, you be like, “Can I get the check? Can I… I need the check now. Yeah, for the… Thank you, yeah.” The only time it’s okay to throw a hamster is if it’s out of the window of a burning building. Then you’re a hero. You’re like, “Live! [sighs] That felt great. It’s the perfect size and weight. I’ve always wanted to flick one of those.” My smoke alarm is so annoying. I hate that that’s how safety works, is that they’re gonna annoy me into being safe. I wanna put, like, microwave popcorn around my house. If I wake up in the middle of the night, I’m like, “That smells great. I gotta get the fuck out of here. Get a snack on the way. That’s a good idea.” When you’re trying to tell somebody a letter on the phone, you’ll be like, “B as in boy. M as in Mary.” That’s what people do. They always pick the first letter of the word. You could mix it up. “O as in tango. F as in deaf. R as in fart.” [laughs] “Okay, sir, we get it.”

I don’t like fitted sheets. I feel like that’s a very passive-aggressive design we’re dealing with there. Does it have to be the exact same size as my mattress? Couldn’t you give me a little bit of wiggle room? I do my laundry and I’m already in a bad mood as I approach my mattress. Do the first corner, then the second. By the time I get to the third, I’m looking at the fourth like, “You son of a bitch.” I get over there and it’s just such a struggle. I’m like, “I can’t do it! Come on, come on.” My fingers are killing me. I’m just pulling that thing down the side as far as I can go. I get halfway down, I’m like, “That’s enough. It’s fine.” Four in the morning. “Surprise, bitch!” “Get off me! Get off me! Fine, I’ll use you as a thin blanket. There you go. Now what?”

I find that athletic clothes are perfect for just sitting around in. [applause, cheering] These are pajamas that make me look ambitious. I like this. – [laughs] – [whistling] I’m an athlete. I’ll even watch sports. There we go. I’m so close.

When I was in high school, I couldn’t decide whether I wanted to be on the debate team or not. And that was frustrating. Happy birthday, by the way. – [woman] I just turned 30! – Hey, I used statistics. – Happy birthday. – [laughter, applause] That’s great. Thanks for coming. You just turned 30. That’s cool. How’s it going? – [woman] Great. – What are you doing? Like life-wise? Job-wise? I messed up that question. I could just “What do you do?” – She left. Oh, shit. – [laughter] She’s like, “I’m 30, I don’t have to deal with this shit.” What’s the minimum number of people you can have and it still counts as a surprise party? I wonder. It seems like it’s gotta be greater than one. If you come home and just one friend jumps out from behind your couch, “Surprise!” “Get the hell out of my house!” “It’s a party.” “No, you’re an intruder.” If I robbed people’s houses, I would just bring a lot of people and a cake just in case the person came home. They walk in, you’re like, “Surprise! Hey, we got you all your stuff. We put it in bags. Okay, we’re gonna go. Enjoy the cake. Bye.” I think what I like the most about people who are very religious is how open they are to other people’s points of view. It’s nice. I like atheists because you don’t really ever hear about, like, an atheist, like, blowing up a school or, you know, a restaurant or something. They’re never like, “Science!” [imitates explosion] “Logic!” [imitates machine gun]

I heard this R&B song. It came on the radio. I was in a rental car. I turned the radio on. This song comes on. This guy’s, like, kind of telling a story, he’s kind of whining. But okay, I’m listening. All of a sudden, in the middle of the song, a rapper shows up. Guess these guys are friends or something. He shows up, he does a whole rap of just his own thing. Finishes up, he takes off. We never hear from him again. He’s gone. First guy comes back and he finishes the story, and then the song’s over. I just thought that was hilarious. ‘Cause I’ve never seen that in any other art form. You know? Not like in literature, you know, you’re reading a book. “What’d you think of that novel?” “Pretty good, you know, like, I got into the story, first seven chapters. Then in the middle, there was a really angry first person essay… This other writer, I guess. I don’t know if they’re friends or something, but… You know, this guy has a big dick, he’s gonna sleep with all these women, it’s a whole thing. And… he’s not gonna by them stuff, though. He made that clear. He’ll sleep with them, but he’s not, you know, not looking to get tied down. All caps. Very confident. Uh… A lot of it rhymed, and then the essay was over. And then went back to the story. Yeah, it was all right.”

When I was a kid, I could climb trees. That was a thing I could do that I can’t do anymore. I lost that privilege. You know? If I go down a street and I see a bunch of kids in trees, I’m like, oh, they’re having fun. If I go down the same street and there are adults in all the trees, I’m like, “I need to get into a fucking tree now.” [applause] “Something bad is happening on this street. There’s like a wolf or something around here.” That’s how you know you’re a grownup, if someone sees you in a tree and they’re like, “Get help!”

I don’t know why, but if somebody’s smelling something, and they also close their eyes while they’re doing it, I just wanna smack them in the face. “Open your eyes. You can do both. You can look and smell at the same time. Don’t do that.”

Sometimes they have a bottle and they’ll have a little ship inside. Looks cool. It’s like the ship in the bottle, you know? That would probably be the worst thing to have float up to an island that you’re stranded on. “This is no time for irony!” People only mention that it’s a free country when they’re doing something shitty. [laughter, applause] – It’s like… – [cheering] “Hey, that’s my seat.” “It’s a free country.” [mutters] Motherfucker… People should mention it’s a free country when they’re doing something nice too. Hold the door for a bunch of people “Thank you, sir.” “It’s a free country.” “Yes, it is, and you are a patriot. Thank you.” – [cheering, whistling] – Yeah.

I wonder if you’re in prison, if the other inmates judge you based on what you’re in for. Like, when they’re organizing events or activities, you know. Like, “Should we get Joey on the committee?” “No, he’s in for attempted murder. I feel like he doesn’t really see things through.” [laughter]

On your tombstone… stay with me. [laughs] On your tombstone, they have the birthdate, and the death date. And in between, your whole life, everything you experienced, joys, triumphs, defeat, love, heart break… Pshht! Your whole life is just a little dash after all this. That’s a bummer. I’m not doing that. I’m gonna have an ellipsis. I’m gonna have three dots. Somebody looks at my tombstone, there’ll be suspense. They’ll be like, “He was born… Then what? Uh, he died. There it is. Right there.” – But then… – [cheering] …three more dots, and a third date. “Holy shit, this guy rallied! Whoa! What an interesting dead person.”

I would never go tandem skydiving. If something goes wrong, you’re getting dry-humped to death. What a terrible way to go. “What happened?” “Uh, looks like he got dry-humped going about 200 miles per hour into the earth.”

I got an email from someone that said, at the bottom, “Warmest regards, Steven.” That’s when I realized that’s as warm as you can go with regards. You know what I mean? Like, “Hot regards, Steven.” That’s no appropriate, Steven. “Steaming hot regards.” What, did you just take a shit in my email? Warm or room temperature regards will be just fine for me. Okay? Regards are strange, ’cause you can only really send them. It’s very hard to give them in person. You tell somebody, “Hey, give him my regards.” And they can kind of be the middleman and pass the regards along. You show up at a friend’s house, they open the door, you’re like, “Hey, regards.” “What the hell was that?” “I’m regarding you.” “Don’t do it, it’s awkward. I don’t know how to deal with this. Please send them through someone else in the future, okay?”

I like buying shoes because you go the store, and they have those little mirrors, they have those little slanted mirrors. So funny, you know? “How do those feel?” “These feel good. I was just wondering, do you have anything that could show me what they’ll look like to dogs?” “Uh, yes, we do. We have these ridiculous small mirrors all over the room, so… Yeah, these.” “Oh, those are perfect, yeah, ’cause I don’t want to be involved in the reflection, I don’t want my identity linked to the shoes at all. I just want new shoes and severed shins, just floating around the room, like, as if I’m four-fifths ghost or something would be perfect for me.” It’s weird, ’cause, like, when you buy gloves, they don’t have mirrors off to the side where you’re like, “Oh, that’s good. Just… …the glove and my wrist. That’s all, the forearm and the glove is all I really needed there.”

I saw a TV commercial for a TV. The basis of the commercial was, “Look at how amazing the picture is on this TV.” I looked at it and I was like, “That looks remarkably identical to the resolution of my TV. I think I’m good, thanks.”

I like the term “sexual favor” ’cause it’s a really funny understatement. You know? “Anything else I can do for you?” “Uh, yeah. Just, um… …if I could ask a favor.” “What, you need a ride or something?” “Yeah, kind of.”

All right, I wanna get something offstage now. But I don’t want there to be, like, a dead space in the middle of this special, so… I wonder if I, um… if I use editing, if I go from right here, if I could suddenly appear over there. Cool, that worked. All right. [laughs] – They can’t see me right now. – [plays harmonica] [cheering] [playing harmonica] [chuckles] – [strums chord] – All right. – Yeah, that was… – [cheering] That was almost smooth. It was so close. [laughs] [plays guitar melody] I love playing guitar. I find it so relaxing. I’m not great at it, but, you know, I still play ’cause I enjoy it. I’ve tried to write songs, but it’s not my gift. I wrote a protest song, but it was an instrumental, so… So very ineffective.

My friend called my other friend a night owl, and I was like, “You know, owls are nocturnal. You could probably just call him an owl and that would cover it.”

I think it’s cool that flash mobs came and went so quickly as a phenomenon. I find that it’s a lot less creepy to ask a woman to dance with you than for you. What happened with number one pencils? I feel like they really blew it. My friend’s really good at doing the robot. I’m pretty good. If you can imagine a robot that’s so technically advanced that it moves exactly like a regular human being… …who’s standing on the side of the dance floor being a judgmental asshole. [plays harmonica] Stuffed animals are cute… …unless they once lived. I wanna see a snake eat spaghetti. I saw that it was Shark Week. So sharks get a week every year. So black people get only three more weeks than sharks in this country. That’s messed up. I know we’re afraid of both, but I don’t think that’s appropriate. [plays harmonica] My friend has a beach body. Kind of like a sea lion. I wanna open an optical store. I’ll make the sign really blurry. I think the best form of birth control is correcting other people’s grammar. Works every time. I like that they came up with the word “crafts.” ‘Cause I think art and shitty art just sounds too mean. One restaurant that doesn’t deliver that should is a food truck. Just drive it to my house. Come on, you’re perfectly equipped for this. Taste buds sound like they get along really well with each other. I think most people who describe themselves as a people person should maybe check with others before they give themself that title. [plays harmonica]

One place I would not want to be chased is Kenya. I think my favorite thing of all time ever, of everything ever, is exaggeration. No, I’m sorry. I like second guessing the best. I prefer second guessing. That’s the best. If I had a safe in my house, the only thing I would put in there is a note that says, “Nice try, asshole.” I feel like most people are assholes because if I see a group of people and I go, “Hey, asshole,” they all turn and look. Sometimes I’m worried that I might be an asshole. I feel like I’m a good person, but, at the same time, if I see somebody trip, I feel like, “Yeah.” [laughs] “Wasn’t me. Awesome.” Fall is the only season that has another name. It’s like that one had a sex change or something, you know? “Have you seen fall recently?” “You mean autumn?” That joke is not offensive. Sometimes instead of saying “for example,” I’ll say something such as, “such as,” for example. I go to the gym religiously. About twice a year around the holidays. [laugher, cheering] All right. I think Jesus was probably one of the first scarecrows. – [plays harmonica] – [crowd gasping] Thank you, harmonica.

I don’t like double-decker busses. I think that’s a bad idea. There’s a situation where you can get in a car accident and fall down the stairs at the same time. Way too dangerous. If you’re in a drum circle, I wonder if there’s a moment where you’re like, “I’m never gonna be rich.” I think “balls” is a terrible nickname for that part of the male anatomy. Balls? That implies all these things we don’t want done to them. You throw balls and you bounce them and you kick ’em. All bad. Terrible. They should have named them something better. Mints. “You okay?” “Yeah, yeah, my lozenges just got grazed. I’m fine.” When I was in high school, I experimented sexually. The experiment was to never have sex with anybody, no matter how hard I tried. Success. When you’ve having sex with somebody, you can say, “Yes” or “Yeah” or “Uh-huh.” But for some reason, you can’t say “Yep.” “Oh, yep, baby. Ooh! Yep. Yep, yep. Yep, yep! Yep, yep, yep! Indeed!” [plays harmonica] – [song ends]

Thank you so much, everybody. – Thank you. – [cheering] Thanks. Thank you. [cheering]

[soft rock music plays]

[cheering, applause continues]