Dan Soder: Son of a Gary (2019) – Full Transcript

I'm a dumb person. I've learned you're not allowed to call yourself dumb on the Internet without a stranger arguing with you. That's how fucking broken the Internet is. If you go online, you're like, "I'm an idiot!" Someone you've never met will be like, "Don't say that."

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Dan Soder!

(cheers and applause)

(cheering continues)

(chuckles): Yeah. Yay! How the hell are ya?

(cheering continues)

Wha? Ah! All right. All right.

(cheering continues) Thank you. All right. That– that’s– It was believable to a point. But then you’re like, you don’t even know. You don’t know how this is gonna go. This could suck! You could leave and you’d be like, “Why the fuck did I clap in the beginning? That guy stinks at comedy!” I don’t know. I don’t know anything. I’m a dumb person. I’ve learned you’re not allowed to call yourself dumb on the Internet without a stranger arguing with you. That’s how fucking broken the Internet is. If you go online, you’re like, “I’m an idiot!” Someone you’ve never met will be like, “Don’t say that.” (laughter) “You don’t know that.” It’s the only thing I actually know. I’m 36 years old. I just learned, this summer, from a doctor, I’m no longer allowed to eat, then go to sleep. (laughter) What kind of horseshit world are we living in? Dude, my favorite thing in the world is to eat, then go directly to sleep. I’ll eat laying down if it speeds up the process. Have you ever had a huge meal then gone right to sleep? You sleep so fuckin’ deep. You touch the bottom of the pool every time. (laughter) Whenever I meet someone that’s like, “I have insomnia,” I’m like, “You’re not eating late enough.” -(laughter) -Just… eat as your eyes are shutting, you’re gonna go down like a goddamn grizzly bear. (laughter) You are gonna wake up with the heartburn of a 20-year homicide detective… (laughter) …getting chewed up by cold cases. Like, “All those bodies and no names!” (laughter) “Those are someone’s children, Diane!? (laughter) Yeah, sometimes– I’m glad you guys liked that ’cause there’s been some audiences that are like, “Is that a fake detective with PTSD?” What are you mad about? It’s a made-up person. He’s never seen real shit. (laughter) I should tell you at the top of this, I am, uh, I am 20% white trash, so it should explain everything else. It’s not a– Twenty percent white trash isn’t enough to hurt you. It’s not, it just means I like multiple flavors of Mountain Dew… (laughter) …and I have bet and lost money on the X-Games. (laughter) I had a snowmobile parlay that fucked me. (laughter) No, I grew up in Colorado and I was always like, “Oh, our, uh, our white trash doesn’t have accents ’cause we don’t have accents.” And then I watched the X-Games and I was like, “There it is. There it is.” Just every athlete that’s like, (whiny voice): “Hey, what’s up? I want to give a shout-out to my sponsors.” Like, “Fuck, it’s every kid I went to middle school with in Aurora.” (laughter) “Just want to say what’s up to Fox Racing, “Hefty Garbage Bags, KY Jelly.” “How the fuck are those your sponsors?” (laughter) Yeah. I’m a– I’m a guaranteed weirdo ’cause I’m an only child. Um… I was– I was raised by a single mom, so I was alone a lot, and my dad picked the bottle over me, so comedian. (laughter) That’s the recipe. Just add water. Or, in my dad’s case, Bacardi, and then he fucks off. Yeah!

You guys don’t think I’m up here ’cause shit went well, do you? (laughter) You think that’s why I’m onstage nightly, begging for the affection of strangers… (laughter) …’cause I had a good childhood? If I had a good childhood, I wouldn’t be a comedian. I’d just be the funniest guy that works at Enterprise Rental Car. Don’t– Don’t act like I wouldn’t. I would fucking crush on the lot. I’d be upgrading you from a standard to a full size. Yeah, I was just a weird kid. I was just a strange– I talked to myself a lot. Loved action figures. Loved action figures, until I was 12. It’s… pretty old. It’s kind of old to play with boy dolls. (laughter) Also at 12 years old, because I’m 20% white trash, I started smoking cigarettes. Do you know how hilarious of an overlap that is? -(laughter) -I would– I would play with my GI Joes in earnest for 30 minutes, and then go outside and fire up a Marlboro Red. Just like… (inhales, exhales deeply) (in gruff voice): “I think Cobra’s got the high ground.” (laughter) “We lost a Ninja Turtle to a lawnmower last week. War is hell.” Some little girl in my neighborhood walks up with a cigarette, she’s like, “You got a light? Ken and Barbie aren’t doing so hot.” (exhales) (laughter) “We had to put a Pound Puppy down last week.” (laughter) I’m kidding, I would never hurt a dog. I love dogs. I get excited every time– Every single time I see a dog, I get excited, even when I have weed on me at the airport. (laughter) It’s a complicated relationship. Remember you got that bag of weed in your pocket, and you turn the corner, and you’re like, “You a good boy or a bad boy?” That dog’s like… (imitates sniffing) Gets close to you, you’re like, “Fuck, please be cool. Fuck!” (laughter) There’s always one person there to be like, “Those dogs actually sniff for bombs,” and you’re like, “Ah, well, in that case, thank you for your service.” (laughter) “I’ve always really respected Labradors. I find you to be a great breed.” I feel bad for the guys that hold those dogs at the airport. Always the bridesmaid, never the bride. (laughter) I bet there’s a bunch of shit they want to smell. (chuckles) Dude, that’s– I think that’s hilarious that they signed up to be like, “I want to protect people that are traveling. How do you want me to do that?” And someone was like, “Fucking hold this dog.” (laughter) “But make sure you scream at every child that tries to touch it.”

See, that’s the best part of consistently traveling is watching little kids learn to hate authority ’cause they’ve tried to pet the security dog. They’re walking through, and they’re like, “Doggy!” Some cop’s like, “Don’t touch the dog!” Some five-year-old’s like, “Man, fuck the police. This fucking pig, stopping me from touching a doggy.” I travel, uh, I travel, on average about 25, 30 weeks a year doing this. That’s a lot of airports. That’s a lot of other people’s children. (laughter) I hear a lot of screaming babies for a guy that comes in the right places. (laughter) (chuckles) Fucking farm to bag! (cheering and applause) I don’t get mad at screaming babies. I’m not a monster. I think you’re a dick if you get mad at a screaming baby on an airplane. I know what’s going on, that kid can’t talk. Its ears hurt so it’s just gonna scream. I think you’re a dick if you get mad at the parents of a screaming baby on an airplane. Have you seen the parents of a screaming baby on an airplane? They are not into it! They’re not like, “Yeah, this guy fucking yells, huh? “You guys want to see something cool? “Sometimes I push real deep on his stomach and he goes fucking nuts.” (laughter) (chuckles) It’s the only way to fly… a child losing its shit. I’ve gotten on flights though, and I’ve seen people that don’t have screaming babies, you know, they’re just on the flight and they go right to that gate agent, and they’re like, “I’m a Sky Miles member and I was… (muttering)” Like, you’re a piece of shit! You’re an active piece of shit. But that’s what happened. That’s what Yelp did to us. Just turned us into a generation of snitches. (laughter) It’s true, man, we love to tell on each other. Like, “He did that.” For what? For what? For your benefit? Dude, the customer service generation has ruined the American dream. Sincerely, like that old American dream. You know, that one that’s like… “I’m gonna work hard, save up my money, and give my kids a better life.” That shit’s gone! The new American dream is like, “I spent a little bit of money… “on a product. “If anything… goes wrong, I’m gonna fucking uncork on someone.” Yeah!

You know how dogs, uh, pre-bark before they bark? If you have a dog, you know what I’m talking about. Like, dogs can hear… They can hear people walk up to the door. So, before those people hit the doorbell, the dogs will be asleep and they’ll be like, “Bark.” (laughter) And then– and then, you know. And then the doorbell goes, like… (imitating dog barking) (laughter) America’s in a constant pre-bark bark. That’s where we’re at right now. (bark) (laughter) Trust me, dude, I know. I was a really shitty waiter for six years, real bad. Trust– However bad you think, much worse. Straight up used to forget people existed. I was a terrible waiter. But I always knew I wasn’t actually in trouble if someone asked to speak to the manager, ’cause I knew the problem wasn’t real. It was always, like, they found a hair in their food. And those people want a very specific reaction. When they find that hair, they want you, as their waiter, to be like, “I’m sorry! “I fucking suck! I’m gonna smash my dick with a hammer!” They’re all, “Yes, yes! I’m the customer!” Fucking– they love that. I never gave ’em that. Ever! Whenever they find a hair in their food, I’d be like… (gasps) “Cool!” They do not like that. They don’t like when you do that. Be like, “Keep going! You might find another one!” (laughter) One time, this lady showed me a hair, and she goes, “Whose hair is this?!” It’s like, “The fucking guy making it! “What do you want, lady?! What’s your endgame? You want a kitchen full of hairless people?” Do you have any fucking clue how terrifying that would be? If you walked in a kitchen and they had no head, or eyebrow hair. Like, “It’s almost ready!” Like, “What is? What are you fucking serpent people making?” (laughter) You want a kitchen full of Voldemorts. You’re cool with that. (laughter) (man guffawing) (chuckles) Dude, I love that you’re laughing, but your laugh could also border on bully, -in such a way… -(laughter) Like, I know it’s supportive, but I am insecure enough, that if it did– if a couple of jokes didn’t hit the way I wanted, I’d be like, “Are you– what the fuck you laughing at?” Just go full Aurora! Like, “What’s up, bro? You wanna fucking die tonight?” (laughter and applause) I don’t get mad at screaming babies. Just solve the problem yourself, be an adult. Be an adult. Pick the hair out of your food, fucking move forward. The second I hear a screaming baby on an airplane, I don’t get mad. I don’t. Second I hear that kid, like… (screams) I just shut my eyes, and pretend the baby is the lead singer of an EMO band. (laughter) You can’t get mad at that. “Waaah!” and then pretend he has bangs over his face.

(as baby): ♪ I’m flying and I’m scared ♪ ♪ And whoa, so, waaaah ♪

(chuckles) And I’m laughing at a screaming baby, looking like a psycho. (laughter) I’m like, “It’s gonna be a good flight. “The kid’s really going through some stuff. He understands pain.” I feel like I should be honest. I did lie. I have been mad about one screaming baby on an airplane. Uh, it was a four-hour flight, and the kid screamed takeoff to touchdown. Which, halfway through, you’re like, “This is just impressive.” The lung capacity on this thing. It’s the second most impressive thing I’ve ever seen. One time I was on a cross-country flight, and I took a heavy edible. And I heard two different screaming babies harmonize. (laughter) I don’t even know if it was the edible, or if I just made that up, but I was– I was honored to be there. (laughter) But this flight, this four-hour flight, this kid wouldn’t stop. It was like, “Aaaaah!” And then as we landed, you just heard the kid go, “Aaah! Mom?” It’s like, “Motherfucker! You can talk?!” “Now we got a problem! Now we got a real problem!” I just– Waiting at the end of a jetway for a baby. Just like… (in Aurora voice): “What’s up, dude? “What’s up? You fucking 16B? “You’re a noisy boy! Fuck! What’s up, dude?” I don’t have kids. Don’t worry. I do– I do not have children. Uh, not sure if I’m gonna. I might just keep shooting my gun in the dirt. (laughter) Yeah! Uh, there’s been times where I feel like I’d be a phenomenal father. There’s been a couple of times where I’m like, “I’d be a really good dad.” One time, I brought edibles home from Colorado to New York. And my roommate couldn’t sleep. I told him to eat late. He didn’t listen. (laughter) But he’s like, “I know you have those edibles. Can I eat one of those edibles? It might help me sleep.” I was like, “Better, I’ll eat one with you. I’m a good roommate.” So, he ate his edible and went to sleep. I ate my edible and played video games. Like a man who lives with a roommate. (laughter)

Very on-brand. I got– I got through one quarter of a game of NBA 2K, and then I felt the warmth in my stomach. You know when you feel that edible warmth, and you’re like, “Oh! (laughter) “There’s a storm coming!” (chuckles) Every weed edible’s the exact same. You eat it, and then 30 minutes later, you go, “That didn’t do shit!” And then the edible’s like, “What the fuck did you say?!” Like the edible was gonna leave but it came back in, “What did they guy say? What did he say?! “I don’t do shit? Here’s every fear you’ve had since you’re nine!” (laughter) Oh, fuck, oh! I forgot I don’t like the smell of fresh glue! (laughter) So, that’s where I’m at! I’m about to get launched. And I’m like, “If I’m going through this…” Then I look over to my roommate’s bedroom, his door– wide open! He’s standing in the doorway, in just his boxers, holding a gallon of water. And right as we make eye contact, he just goes, (whimpering): “I think you gave me too much.” It was– It’s the only time in my life I’ve ever felt like a dad! I was like, “Hey, buddy! Can you not handle your shit?” (laughter) “Let’s put you on the couch. Get on some Family Guys .” I, actually, did a bunch of shows in Canada this summer, and I learned that Canada, as a country, legalized marijuana completely across the board. But they weren’t allowed to have edibles till December of 2019, because, in Colorado, when it went legal in 2014, a bunch of little kids ate edibles, and got cool as fuck! (laughter) They were immediately skateboarding to school. They called their parents by their first names. No, I mean, that’s got to be fucked up. You’re six years old and you just knock back three gummy bears and then 25 minutes later you’re like… (exhales) You’re starting to sweat like, “I’m starting to think Santa’s not real. (laughter) “Uh, I got first grade right around the corner. Fuck it. They’re bending letters into each other.” Yeah. I do drugs. I’m fun. I’m a fun, fun guy. Thank you! (cheers and applause)

I, uh, I don’t– I don’t do coke. I’m not obnoxious. Sorry, sorry, not gonna corner you at a house party and try to start a business with you. (laughter) It’s just fun to see who’s been trapped, by a small– yeah, with a guy that’s like, “Dude, I’ll get us a website by Monday.” (laughter) “You know the people, I know the places. “We got to fucking hang out. We got to fucking hang out way more.” No, I don’t like– I don’t like the drugs that make you take your shirt off. I don’t have the torso for it. (chuckles) I like the drugs that make you wonder why we wear shirts. The kind, you lay, and you’re like, “What is a shirt? Are we shirts for our souls?” (chuckles) I do mushrooms, I probably shouldn’t have just said that. I like to, yeah, I like to do mushrooms. -(cheers and applause) -Yeah. I agree. I agree, till I’ve eaten too many, then I don’t agree. I eat too many, I don’t like anything… existence, gravity. Got a real problem with mirrors. (laughter) It’s just fun to see who laughs ’cause you know that they’ve stared in a mirror and been like, “Fuck!”

Yeah, last– two summers ago I went to a music festival, and took 3.7 grams of mushrooms. -(scattered groans) -Yeah, that’s what I love about drug math. It fucking gets that honesty out of people. That was great. Doesn’t get laughs, but you– you know. I said 3.7 grams, you know, everyone that didn’t do mushrooms in the room’s like, “That’s not even enough for a casserole.” (laughter) They just heard a bunch of, like, “Oh, fuck, oh, God. So you’re, like, a different guy now.” (laughter) Yeah, don’t do that at a music festival. A lot of conflicting energies. I ended up losing my shit in a field. (laughter) I learned a lot. I learned a whole lot. Mostly I learned that electronic dance music is the devil’s music. (laughter) You know how, like, since the ’50s, they’re like, “Rock and roll is the devil’s music. Rap’s the devil.” No, those have soul. EDM is just robots tricking you into dancing. (laughter) “Boop-boop-boop-boop Boop-boop. (in deep voice): Let the beat drop.” That’s Satan. Who do you think that is? It’s the fucking devil sealing us up. No, I just don’t– I just don’t like EDM. I’ve never heard an EDM song I like. It all sounds like it’s based on an alarm clock. Every single one’s like, “Ca-ca-ca-ca-ca.” You’re like, “Oh, fuck, am I late for my nine o’clock? No, that’s just the latest single from a Swedish teenager.” (laughter) I don’t know, Scandinavia is just pumping out EDM DJs. (chuckles) You can like EDM, I don’t have to like it. That’s what music is. You can like shit I don’t like, I can like shit you don’t like.

Some people don’t like music. Do you know those fucking psychos are walking around? I was at a barbecue, and I heard a woman in a different conversation group just go, “I don’t like music.” What? I thought she meant, you know, like, genre. So I was like, “Oh, you mean, like, country, or metal?” She’s like, (emphatically): “I don’t like music.” Fun. I bet you’re a blast on a road trip. Just an hour in, she’s like, “Turn off the radio! “I want to hear the wind whip around the cabin. (laughter) “Leave one window down so an odd pressure builds. (laughter) I love long drives with the feeling of an inner ear infection.” What kind of broken monster doesn’t like music? That’s fucking strange. My favorite thing in the world is to get high, take a shower, and listen to music. -Love it. -(cheers and applause) Love it. I do it every day. It might be a problem, we don’t know yet. I try to explain, you don’t have to be just high in the shower letting the water hit you. You can do stuff. You can– you can air drum. (laughter) You can air guitar. You can do my personal favorite, which is bring up a fight with a coworker from 2004. (laughter) You guys never reheat some 15-year-old beef in the shower? That’s what shower arguments are built for, giving someone you haven’t seen the business. You’re just like, “Fuck you. You’re always that fucking guy at work.” And then you give them something to say. You’re like, “I knew you were gonna bring that up, I knew it!” This is how low my self-esteem is. I lose 50% of my shower arguments. I lose as many as I win. My roommates walked by the bathroom and heard me in the shower alone like, “You know what? It’s a good point. I apologize.” (laughter) “I’m sorry. I didn’t see it from your perspective.” Yeah, I mean, when you, uh… when you go on the road as a mall clown you have to… (laughter) Yeah, that’s what this is. People laugh at that, but it’s true, I’m– I’m a mall clown. I’m cool with it, I love my job. But sometimes when you’re a comedian in 2019, you can get on Twitter and see other comedians that I’m friends with and genuinely respect, Tweet out crazy shit like, “As an artist…” The fuck are you talking about? We’re a step above carnies. Art? You think I compete with art? There’s not a two-drink minimum at the ballet. (laughter) I know what I am. Most of the rooms I perform in were originally designed for laser tag. (chuckles) (laughter) It’s all right, I know what I am. One of the parts that sucks that I don’t like is when you’re on the road on Friday mornings, you got to wake up super early and you got to go pimp yourself out to a local radio station to sell tickets. You got to go make fucking Buzz and the Scooch laugh. Which is fun until it’s not. Then they suck and they’re like, “Hey, we’re here with Dan Soder from Trillions and the Campfire Podcast.” Like, “It’s called the fucking Bonfire.”

So I was in– I was in Washington, DC, and they’re like, “You got to get up at six in the morning for morning radio.” I was like, “Fuck that.” I got up at 5:30 in the morning, got irresponsibly stoned, and then took a shower and listened to music, ’cause I’m an artist. (laughter) I was in the shower. I was listening to Chance the Rapper’s Coloring Book. Great album. There’s a song on there with Lil’ Wayne and Lil’ Wayne has this verse where he just goes, (imitating Lil’ Wayne): “I got problems bigger than these boys, oh-oh-oh.” -And that noise… -(laughter) …made me laugh harder than anything I’ve heard in comedy. Dude, he gives up. He gives up in the middle of a song! He’s just like, “Oh-oh-oh.” Look it up, it’s not a lyric. Dude, that shit had me laughing so fucking hard. I just started replicating the noise. I was like, “Oh-oh-oh.” And then I started putting it in different situations, like I was surprised, like, “Oh-oh-oh.” You know, scared like, “Oh-oh-oh.” I did it enough that I was laughing hard enough that I dropped my body wash, then when I picked up my body wash I was like, “Oh, shit. This is gonna be my new mistake noise.” (laughter) Like, if I meet someone new, you know, and I’m like, “This is my friend Adam.” I’m like, “Adam?” “Aaron.” “Oh-oh-oh.” (laughter) So now I’m laughing harder. I’m having a great, great naked, wet laugh, which surprisingly you get very few of in life. Most of the time if you’re naked, you’re wet, and you’re laughing, you’re a crazy person. You just escaped something. You’re just like, “Yeah!” Like, “He’s so fucking slippery.” So I’m in the shower. I’m laughing very hard, and then I just hear a very subtle, like -(imitates knocking) -“Shut the fuck up.” But I’m high enough that I’m like, “Maybe I’m– Maybe I’m making that up.” So I turn– turn the speaker off, get back in the shower, I hear it very clear like, -(imitates knocking) -“Shut the fuck up.” I don’t think I’ve ever laughed harder in my life. I almost slipped in the tub. (laughter) That guy’s day is fucking done. 5:50 in the morning you’re up slamming on a wall yelling, “Shut the fuck up”? You cannot have a good day after that. You know how many times that guy heard me make that noise? (laughter) It wasn’t once. Just dead asleep and it’s like, “Oh-oh-oh.” “Shut up.” “Oh-oh-oh.” “Shut the fuck up.” “Oh-oh-oh.” “Shut the fuck up!” That guy definitely has a real job. (laughter) He’s just tired at work later in a conference room like, “Hey, guys. Uh, sorry I’m not the sharpest. “They got me staying next to Lil’ Wayne. This guy is full of mistakes.” (laughter and applause) Pretty sure I’m gonna die alone. We all are physically, unless you grab a nurse at the last second. (laughter) I just wanted to see who’s fun in the room. Fuck you, that’s a fun joke. If you could time that out right, that’s a real fun joke. Just second to last breath like, -(imitates heart monitor beeping) -“Get over here.” (imitates flatline) Just fuck up some orderly’s Wednesday. They’re like, “Yeah, was a good day “till the guy in 34C fucking headlocked me before he died. “20 minutes, 20 minutes in that armpit. (laughter) They had to butter my neck to get me out.”

Now, I’m 36 years old. I’m single. I don’t believe in dating apps, ’cause you can’t smell the other person. (laughter and applause) Come at me with your science, I will prove you wrong. No, I, uh… dating in my 30s is basically me looking back to every single one of my previous relationships and being like, “Oh, it was my fault… the whole time. Huh, really thought it was someone else there for a second.” I used to have such a bad drinking problem in my 20s, I would wake up on the subway in New York and be like, (scoffs) “Not a decent woman in this town.” (laughter) Fucking puke all over my jeans. I’m like, “You cannot find a good girl.” And now I’m like, “Oh yeah, call’s definitely coming from inside the house.” (laughter) A lot of apologies. No, I used to, you know, when I was in my 20s and even in my early 30s, used to be afraid to tell women that I had a fucked up childhood. I just didn’t want to tell ’em ’cause I was afraid they were gonna run away, and now I realize, if you had a fucked up childhood, you should brag about it… ’cause it means you can endure. And it means you’re gonna be way better at sex as an adult. Sorry, everyone, that’s the trade-off. Terrible childhood, dynamite in the bedroom. You’re not gonna be a good partner, no, no, no. (laughter) You’re gonna be a big problem for a lot of people, but you’re gonna have some seasoning on you. What, do you want to fuck someone that got raised by two loving parents? (laughter) What, do you want to make eye contact the whole time and stay in between the sheets? Gross. I want to fuck someone that got punched in the head for no reason. I want a wild card. Best sex I ever had in my life, I had to watch my wallet the entire time. (laughter) I thought we were being adults, being honest with each other. I’m broken, I have abandonment issues. I go down on women like I have abandonment issues. I give please-don’t-leave-me head. I’m broken, your cum is the glue. It’s an old family motto. I think my grandma has it stitched on a pillow. (laughter) I think it’s so weird. I think it’s so weird you’re allowed to advertise with sex. You’re allowed to make people feel like shit because of sex. But the second you bring up the psychological reasoning for a sexual behavior, everyone gets weird. It’s fucked up. It’s hard to meet a sexual partner that you match with. Some people like to talk dirty. Some people don’t. Real tough to be on the wrong end of that one. (laughter) I hooked up with a girl once, I started talking dirty and immediately she goes, “Oh boy. We got a talker.” (laughter) Oh, whoo, that was right in the solar plex. Yeah, if you ever want to know how to shut someone up during sex that is the perfect way. I promise you, for the next four minutes that man’s gonna breathe through his nose like he’s moving a couch against his will. It’s a lot of through the teeth talking. You’re like, “Fuck, it feels very good.” (laughter) No, I mean, I’m still idyllic. You know, I’m 36, but I’m still idyllic. I love crushes. Crushes are fun. When you have a crush on someone and you see ’em and you’re like, -“Fuck.” -(laughter) Or they text you and you’re like, “Oh, fuck.” Or you tell them you have a crush on them and they’re, like, not into it -and you’re like, “Fuck.” -(laughter) Dude, revealing a crush to someone that’s not into it has to be the creepiest feeling in the world. You feel like you’re showing someone a dead body in the woods. You’re like, “Come here, I want to show you something.” She’s like, “What? What is it?” “Come here, it’s over here. I put it under this tarp.” Like, “What?” And you’re like, “I love you!” They’re like, “No, I thought we were friends!” You’re like, “Fuck, no. We’re just friends. We’re just friends. “Fuck it. Totally friends. “Fuck. Fuck, let’s get out of these woods, huh? -Let’s fucking go.” -(laughter)

I like having crushes. They’re still fun. But I’m in my 30s, so they’re just a little more perverted. That’s it, that’s the only difference. When I had a crush on a girl when I was a teenager, I was always like, “She’s so pretty. I hope I– I hope I get to kiss her.” Now at 36, when I like a woman I’m like, “Phew, I hope I get to eat her butt. (laughter) “I’m trying to put my mouth on her worst part over and over again.” Which is crazy ’cause I remember growing up, uh, you know, little kids would always try to tease you, and they’d be like, “You’re a butt munch.” Remember that? Like, “You’re a butt munch.” You’re like, “No, I’m not! No, I’m not!” Turns out those kids nailed it, nailed it. They knew me better than I knew myself. It took three decades for my palate to develop. (laughter)

I definitely– I definitely can’t, uh, I definitely can’t date a woman that doesn’t have a dark sense of humor. If you don’t laugh at dark humor, I don’t think I can hang out with you if you don’t laugh at dark humor. If you don’t laugh at dark humor, I think you did something, you know? Any time I’ve ever met someone that’s like, “Don’t joke about that!” -It’s like, “Who did you hurt?” -(laughter) If you don’t laugh at dark humor, I’m convinced you don’t laugh at your own farts. (laughter) I don’t want that for anybody. What a tough way to go through life, just standing there alone like… (imitates farting) (laughter) How dare that air rip out my butthole? You know, I love farts. Farts are the funniest thing in the world, any country, any language, top dog, farts. Biggest laugh I ever got in my life was ’cause of a fart. Fifteen years old, I was taking the PSATs. You know exactly what kind of chair I was in. (laughter) I was in one of those orange public school plastic chairs, the original fart amp. Dude, the curvature on those bad boys– unbelievable. If you had the one with the three slits in the back, you could play different chords. It’s like, “Peh-peh-peh.” So my mom gets the money together. I go to take the PSATs. It’s on a Saturday. They put me in a classroom with three of my best friends. That’s their first mistake. Second mistake was the teacher that was proctoring the tests was a teacher from a different school, so I don’t know this guy. I don’t respect his smell. (laughter) I’m making my friends laugh throughout the test. Halfway through the teacher just comes and stands over my desk and he goes, “Young man, do you know how to be quiet? Q-U-I…” Right as he gets to the E I just look up at him and lean a little bit to my left, and then went… (imitates high-pitched fart) Biggest laugh I ever got in my life. Legitimately thought I was gonna get a standing ovation. It was like a fucking Def Jam set in there. Then a DJ played me out of the room. That’s not true. They asked me to leave. They, uh… Yeah, you can’t fart in a teacher’s face and go right back to your Scantron. (laughter) I definitely broke a grown man that day. You can’t return to a position of authority after a teenager has locked eyes and farted in your face. I heard he walked into the woods and ended it Japanese style, the honorable way. No, I think you should use dark humor to laugh at the shit in your own life that hurts. I think that’s the best use for humor in general is just make fun of the shit in your life that sucks, and it helps. It doesn’t solve it, but it alleviates it. If you make fun of the darkest shit in your life, I promise you, it’s just a drop of lube… (laughter) …in a buttfucking of a life.

I love doing dead dad jokes. My dad’s dead. People with dead dads love dead dad jokes. You know who doesn’t like dead dad jokes, surprisingly? People with living dads. Greedy assholes, you’re like, “Are you talking about my papa?” Like, “Shut up. Shut up, he’s fucking fine.” (laughter) If you have a dead parent, you know what I’m talking about, the second you bring it up to someone that doesn’t have a dead parent, they get weird as fuck. It’s not their fault, they just don’t know how to handle that so they just get, like… (shrieks) They end up just launching sympathy at you that feels way out of place. When they find out they’re like, “No!” You’re like, “What the fuck? What do they owe you money? What’s up?” Like, I don’t understand that. I don’t understand why you’re sad about something that you’ve never… Like, I tell people all the time my dad died of drinking when I was 14, and immediately people are like, “That is terrible.” You don’t know him. He was a Jimmy Buffet fan. That’s exactly what he wanted. Cirrhosis is the Parrot Head way out. My dad literally wasted away in Margaritaville. (laughter) What are you sad about? You didn’t– He’s not your dad. I don’t understand why his alcoholism’s always supposed to be sad when I tell people he’s an alcoholic. They’re like, “Did he steal your food money and spend it on his hooch?” No, he was just fun. I’m sorry that my dad partied so hard he died from it. What’s up, Gary? I think your living dads are a bunch of nerds. Staying alive your whole life, fucking geeks. (in nerd voice): “Oh, I’m gonna be there when you turn into a man.” Beat it, dork. (laughter) Go steal some rum, disappear for a couple years. Make me interesting. I don’t even know if my dad is actually dead. That’s just some shit my grandma told me. (laughter) You guys just got white-trash M. Night Shyamalaned. Fucking twisted. No, he’s dead. He’s in the dirt. We, uh… we have the paperwork.

Did you know there’s levels of dead dad? I didn’t know that, like degrees of a black belt. Like, when my dad was alive he wasn’t around, so I was always jealous of kids whose dads were around. Then my dad died, then I got jealous of kids with better dead dads. (laughter) Dude, I’ve lived in New York the last 13 years. I have multiple friends whose dads died saving people in 9-11. Top-shelf dead dad. That is premium American hero, dead dad. My dad died drinking next to a lake. He relaxed to death. Bottom-shelf dead dad. Dude, my friends’ dads probably said something heroic, you know, like, “We need to save those people.” My dad’s last words were, like, “I like mine with lettuce and tomato.” “Pickles and pickle, and cold…” (imitates flatline) (laughter) I don’t even believe in death. I think it’s just another form of consciousness. That’s how many mushrooms I’ve taken. (applause) I know, I know. I definitely believe in aliens, that’s for sure. It’s 2019, if you don’t believe in aliens, you’re an asshole. And you’re the reason they’re not showing up. Fucking knock it off. Be cool, they have a lot of stuff we could use. I think if you don’t believe in aliens it’s for two reasons. It’s either mathematically you don’t know how large the universe is, or psychologically you don’t want to deal with the fact that aliens don’t want to hang out with us. (laughter) Stings, don’t it? They’re just flying right by like, “No, fuck that shit.” Why would they? Why would they ever want to hang out with us? We’ve never left the planet. We went to the moon in the ’60s. We haven’t stopped sucking our own dicks since. (laughter) We went to the edge of the driveway and touched the mailbox. And we’re like, “We’re space travelers.” Shut up.

What happens whenever we go to another planet? Whenever we launch a fucking satellite to another planet, the second it touches down, first thing, humans are like, “Is there water here?” What a shitty way to show up somewhere. If anyone walked into your house like, “Where’s your water? If you don’t have water, you don’t have life!” You’d be like, “Get the fuck out of my house.” We don’t know. We’re the home-schooled kids of the universe. That’s what we are. We’ve never left the planet. We’re just standing on our lawn like, “We have puzzles.” And they’re like, “Get the fuck out of here.” My favorite people are the people who want to fight the aliens. Those people are fucking hilarious. They’re always like, “Let them show up.” It’s like, what are you gonna do? What are you gonna Will Smith them? You gonna punch them in the face and they’re gonna fuck off? You forget that Pokemon Go almost took us out. (laughter) Do you remember that smudge on humanity? People were looking at their phones like, “I think there’s a Pikachu.” And it’s like, (imitates truck horn). Like, “Aah.” I think my fear of aliens is that they are gonna land, I’m gonna meet one, say something stupid, and then they’re gonna fuck off. I’m always afraid that I’ve said some dumb shit and I’m not aware of it, always. I live in Queens. I’ve lived there for 13 years. I live next to a mosque, best neighbors I’ve ever had in my life. Legitimately, they pass out cookies when they break fast on Ramadan, which as a pothead… (laughter) …what a way to learn about a holiday. So we live in the front of the building and we don’t have bars on our windows ’cause our landlord hates us, and one of our windows jams ’cause the wood is warped. So last summer I got the window open, got a nice breeze, got very high, then I’m running very late. They’re probably connected. But I was definitely more late than I was high. Like, I was late to the point where I’m like, you know, you pick up your keys and then you drop them, and then you accidentally kick them under the couch. And then you’re like, “Let the fucking world burn.” (laughter) So I’m like that kind of late, and then I go to shut the window, can’t shut the window. Fucking pushing on it. I’m high enough that I’m like, “Did I forget how to shut a window?” And I’m pushing on this window, not moving. As I’m working the window, a woman in a full burka comes out of the mosque, with maybe, like, a three-year-old boy at her side. And she’s walking in front of my apartment, and right as she gets to the front, her and I lock eyes, and right as we do the window just slams shut. And I just go, “No, no!” And she grabs her son like, “Aah!” That fucked me up for three months. Three months. Three months, I keep thinking about this little boy who’s gonna grow up to be the most famous person of all time, and he’s gonna be like, “One day when I was a child, “my mother and I were leaving the mosque “when a white man with red eyes slammed his window and yelled, ‘No!'” That’s not what happened, I was fucking late. Just yelling at a biography, “I’m sorry!” I’m always paranoid. I live in a constant state of paranoia. I’m a hypochondriac. I’m a massive hypochondriac. This week alone I’ve battled throat cancer, AIDS, and a neurological disease to be named after me when I die. (man guffaws) That almost sounded bullying. That was like… You’re like, “Ha-ha-ha, you’re gonna die.” (groans) No… (chuckles) (laughter) I was just watching TV on Tuesday and my hand fucking jumped and I was like, “Well, that’s it. (laughter) “It’s the beginning of the end. I should probably Google ‘right-to-die states.'” Yeah, but I’ve been a hypochondriac for, like, about 20 years, and several times throughout those years I’ve had thoughts of suicide, and then immediately I’m like, “Dude, you can’t be both. You can’t be a suicidal hypochondriac.” Just walking around like, “I’m gonna fucking end it! “But I also have this pain. (laughter) “It only goes right to left and never left to right, “usually when I’m sitting. I’m gonna figure that out, then it’s fucking curtains!” Also shout-out to the guy that loves suicide. (laughter) What a– what a fucking limited fanbase. He’s like, “I fucking love suicide.” (imitates gunshot) “Goddammit, our numbers keep dropping. It turns out these people that love it, fucking do it.” I think you should joke around about everything in your life. I think you should joke around about the stuff that actually legitimately makes you sad.

My grandmother’s 92 years old, she’s my favorite person on the planet. I love her more than anybody. She lives in San Francisco, I live in New York. I worry about this woman daily, if not hourly. Now, do I have a joke about murdering her? Yeah. (laughter) I think it’s weird if you don’t think about killing your older family members. They have soft bones, they’re easily tricked. They have stuff that’s almost yours. One slip in the shower, you get a piano. That’s a fucking deal. Whenever I visit my grandma I pull up her bath mat like… (popping) “About to get me a Steinway.” (laughter) Just get that shower gel out like… (laughter) For those of you not laughing at that joke, I told my grandma that joke and she laughed, and then she goes, “You’re not getting the piano.” -Yeah. -(laughter) “Fucking sweet burn, Nana. Sweet ass burn.” No, man, she’s my only family member left on my dad’s side. I’m her only grandchild, so every year for Thanksgiving it’s just the two of us. -Just sit there and eat. -(woman coos) I know, it’s pretty sad. It’s pretty fucking bleak just eating turkey and staring at each other like we’re two old settlers. (laughter) “How’s your bird?” “Dry. It’s a dry bird.” No, last year was the first year it actually kind of got sad. I was visiting her, I was sitting on the couch. We were having a conversation. I got up to get a glass of water. Right when I get to the kitchen, from the couch I hear my grandmother just go, (imitating grandma): “Dan? What’s gluten?” You sweet angel. I think it’s time for you to cross over. Dude, I’m not fucking telling her what gluten is. Are you crazy? That woman was born in 1927 in Muskogee, Oklahoma, then was forced to move to San Francisco because of the Dust Bowl. She’s a fucking Steinbeck character. You want me to tell her what a food allergy is? Do you know how disrespectful that would look? This woman waited in a bread line until she was nine, and you want me to be like, “Nana… “now we have so much bread… “in such abundance, “that certain little kids eat it and their tummies get itchy.” (laughter) I’d rather walk over to that couch and put my hand over her mouth like, “Just go, Nana. Just go. “Gluten is German for goodbye. “Fucking die. Just fucking die.” Yeah. (laughter) Also there’s no way I could kill her like that. If I even went for that, she would just bend my wrist and be like, (imitating grandma): “I’m from a time when men hit women like men.” “Oh, goddammit, 70 years of crosswords has given you a falcon-like grip.” (laughter) ‘Cause she’s tough as shit. My grandma is tough as hell, 92 years old, loves boxing. Sweet and unsettling. I called her during the Triple G, Canelo rematch. I didn’t know the fight was going on, and she just picked up and went, “I’m watching the fight!” And hung up. Is there a gambling problem I don’t know about?

No, I love boxing, though. I do love boxing. Strawweights are my favorite. Those are the best. Those are, like, the 90, 100-pound guys. They just beat the shit out of each other, but they’re so little. The little hands can’t knock each other out. It’s like watching squirrels fight. It’s the fucking best, I fucking love it. I love it. My favorite’s when they have translators in the ring after the fight to interview the tiny men. Does not matter the nationality. They’ll get in there like, “You had him in trouble in the seventh round. When did you think the fight might be over?” (high-pitched muttering) And then the translator steps in and he’s like, “My hands are weapons from God. I destroy everything I touch.” You’re like, “That’s what that little-assed voice is saying?” (high-pitched muttering) “His family is lucky I let him leave alive. I am the angel of death, all praise be to Jesus Christ.” I love professional wrestling, love professional wrestling. Get a lot of shit talked to me because of it. A lot of people comfortable calling me a fucking idiot. They find out you like wrestling and they’re like, “You’re 36. You’re a fucking idiot.” But I don’t think so, I just like something you don’t like. I like being a wrestling fan. I think I look at the world different. Politics, mostly wrestling. Donald Trump Ric Flair’ed his way into the White House, and no one but wrestling fans saw what was happening. Everyone’s like, “What is he doing?” “I think he’s going full Horseman Flair right now.” We’ve got to get a good Dusty Rhodes in there. Get someone for the people. Yeah, I watched that– watched that Leaving Neverland documentary. Tough watch, tough watch. I thought it was weird though that that documentary came out, and then immediately after it came out there’s a small group of people that were like, “There is no way that happened.” Like, “No way that happened?” I don’t know, dude. As a guy that grew up a wrestling fan without a dad and desperately wants to be liked, I watched that entire documentary like, (whistles) “Hulk Hogan could’ve had this ass.” I mean, I was like 10 years, I was prime for the picking. Are you kidding me? If he would’ve came through Denver and been like, (as Hulk Hogan): “What’s your name, little brother?” I would’ve tore off my jeans like one of his shirts. “Get in there Hulkster, drop the leg! “What you gonna do, Hulk Hogan, when Dan Soder doesn’t tell on you?” (laughter) Don’t get weird. You can enjoy the joke. You can laugh. I’m the victim in the joke. I am the willing victim, the little power bottom that would’ve had front-row tickets to WrestleMania IX. That’s right before he jumped to WCW, learn your history. No, I mean, it was only– I always want to apologize to my mom after that joke. I feel like my mom worked way too hard for me to go around the world, like, “I would let Hulk Hogan buttfuck me.” (as mom): “That’s not why I tried so hard, Daniel.”

My mom just turned 71 years old. I went out to visit her for her birthday. -It was great, man. Yeah, one person. -(one person applauds) -(audience joins applause) -Yeah, dude. It was weird, I went to celebrate my mom’s birthday and then I told one of my friends you know, she turned 71 and he was like, “Oh, she’s getting up there.” I don’t think that’s old. I don’t think 71– I do not think 71 is old in 2019. I think it’s old enough that you know for a fact she didn’t know what the Internet was for, like, five years. Everyone over 60 just got blindsided when the Internet dropped. I’m talking about that’s over 60 now. Like, the Internet came out and they’re like, “What the fuck?” They’re still catching up. They’re like, “I have an iPad.” You’re like, “All right, nice try.” My mom is like, “My phone connects to my laptop.” It’s like, “It’s fucking supposed to. It’s supposed to do that.” The Internet came out when I was 13 years old. That’s when it came into my life, the perfect age, the perfect age. Are you fucking kidding me? Thirteen years old, I was born at the crosshairs of the Internet and puberty. Legitimately for the first three months of the Internet, I thought I manifested it… (laughter) …with my horny 13-year-old brain. I was, “All the boobs in the world into one box!” Then my mom came home from Circuit City and she’s like, “I’ve got a computer and it’s got America Online on it.” I was like, “Ooh, dog will hunt.” Young millennials might not remember, but the Internet used to come in the mail. Like, that’s how you got the Internet. Like, I remember my mom holding up a CD being, like, “What am I gonna do with 500 hours of America Online?” And you’re like, “Let me see that real quick.” (laughter) 13-year-old me was like, “Yeah, yeah, yeah, right here. Come on. Going through some real changes, lady.”

If you learned how to masturbate during the dial-up age, you have a doctorate in patience. ‘Cause they’d be like, “You know there’s naked people on there?” And like, “Where?” And it’s like… (imitates dial-up Internet modem) And you’re like, “Oh, oh!” “You’ve got mail.” “Go, go, go, go, go.” If you whisper, “You’ve got mail” into my ear, I will come fast. I’m Pavlovian trained. If you’re like, “You’ve got mail.” I’m like, “Fuck, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I’ve got so much mail.” I remember my mom– I remember I was at home alone, my mom was at work. I was home alone, got bored, you know, got horny, got greedy, as most horny men tend to get. And I remember being like, “Why am I dealing with this dial-up bullshit? “Why don’t I go online, print a picture out? I can J-O to this thing until I’m 30.” I remember having that idea and being like, “Am I the smartest little boy of all time?” It’s like, “I’m on some Doogie Howser shit right now.” I still remember the picture to this day, that’s how much time I put in. I still remember it. It was a beautiful naked woman. She was standing outside, very happy to be outside. She was smiling ear to ear and she was pouring a giant jug of milk on her body. Don’t fucking judge me! I know a judgment silence when I hear one. You guys are– Worst case scenario I got a milk fetish, worst case scenario. If that is the case, guess who’s got some strong-ass bones. This calcium-filled weirdo. But I saw that picture, I was like, “I love this woman. Print.”

It was 1996. I was raised by a single mom on a real tight budget so our printer wasn’t the best. It was one of those printers where you hit Print, it’s like… (imitates printer beeping) And then it’d hit that blank spot and be like… (imitates printer clicking) I didn’t give a fuck. I was standing over it like, “Yes, come to life, my queen!” (imitates printer beeping) Then I heard the noise that no 13-year-old boy with a boner wants to hear, that garage door open up. Yeah, ’cause you don’t hear it at first. And then it’s like… (imitates garage door) you’re like, “Fuck! Abort! Abort!” I turned off the computer, rip the paper out of the printer like a fucking government document, turned off the power strip and ran downstairs with awkward 13-year-old-with-a-boner energy. I didn’t know how to hold it, you know? Like, now I’m in my 30s, I know you put it in your pant lining and you walk around like you played football in the ’70s. You’re just like, “Ow, ow, ow, ow.” But 13, I was just like, “Fuck.” My mom immediately walks in and she’s like, “What’s up? Why are you being weird?” I was like this, “I learned a lot in school today.” That was it, you know? My mom hung out. About 10 minutes later, out of nowhere, my mom makes herself a drink and she’s like, “All right, I’m gonna go play Tetris.” Thought nothing of it. I was like, “Go get ’em, Trish. Line that shit up.” Yeah, all I hear is my mom walk into the room with the computer. I hear her put her drink down, then I just hear the click of the power strip, then I hear… (imitates printer starting up) I’m like, “No, I killed you! You’re dead!” It’s like… (imitates printer sound) I’m downstairs having a full-on fucking meltdown. I’m like, “I can’t live here anymore. This lady knows what I’m into.” My mom comes downstairs furious, holding a picture of a naked woman dumping milk all over herself, no forehead, gone. It’s clean off. She just shows me the picture and she just goes, “What the fuck is this?” It’s ’96, Internet is maybe three years old. She showed me that picture, I was like… (exhales) “I think you got a virus.” That’s it. That’s all it took. It’s all it took, there wasn’t one follow-up question. My mom was like, “I’m gonna call Circuit City.” I was like, “Yeah, those fucking perverts!” Guess who dug that picture up out of the trash an hour later like a horny little raccoon? First time I ever told that story, I was in Denver and I didn’t know my mom was in the crowd. And the next day we got lunch and she was like, “You know, I remember that.” And I was like, “What? How do you remember that?” And she’s like, “You don’t forget when you come home from work, “and the son you’re raising by yourself is printing out pornography.” (laughter) I was like, “Yeah, but, you know, I told you it was a virus and you believed it.” And she was like, “Yeah, and I let you believe that I believed it.” (laughter) Which blew me away. I was like, “Why didn’t you just yell at me? Why didn’t you, you know? Why didn’t I get in trouble?” And she’s like, “Do you think I’m gonna yell at a boy “printing out pornography when I’m raising you “without a fatherly figure? You’re gonna end up choking hookers in your 30s.” (laughter) That’s when I realized how great of a mom I had. She let me think I outsmarted her. But it also makes sense why every night before dinner my mom was always like, “Let me guess, you want milk?” (laughter)

You guys were a lot of fun. Thank you very much. -(cheers and applause) -Thanks a lot. God bless. See you later, guys. -Thank you.

(cheering continues)

(“In the Fade” by Queens of the Stone Age plays)

Dan: Thank you!

(cheering continues)

♪ Just live till you die ♪ ♪ I wanna drown ♪ ♪ With nowhere to fall ♪ ♪ Into the arms of someone ♪ ♪ There’s nothin’ to say that I know ♪ ♪ You live till you die ♪ ♪ Live till you die, I know ♪ ♪ Live till you die, I know ♪ ♪ Live till you die, I know ♪ ♪ Live till you die ♪ ♪ Live till you die, I know ♪ ♪ Live till you die ♪


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