It’s a great day for America, everybody!
I’m always delighted to be in Nashville. I’m always happy to be in the south. I feel this great affinity with people in the south, because I share your pain. I know what it’s like to have everyone in the world think they can do your accent better than you can do. Right? And then they want to do your accent to you to help you! “You from the south? Hickity dickity dickity.”
Listen, I’m gonna try something tonight. Because we’re doing the special and the cameras are here, and because I’m in the south and I feel a little more comfortable here, I wanna try something I don’t normally do. Um, I’m gonna try and tell you a joke. I know what you’re thinkin’. “Oh, Craig, come on. “Not a joke! “Not from you, Craig! “There’s professional comedians for that kind of thing. “Not a joke from you, Craig. “From you, we want tales of the old country, Craig. “Tell us about the time you lived in the swamp with Shrek. Tell us about that! What was that like, Craig?” Oh, we found a blue-Haired donkey, all right! That’s right!
No, I wanna tell you this joke. It’s important for me, Because it’s a dirty joke. Steady. No, it’s a dirty joke, And I can’t tell it on my tv show, ‘Cause it’s such a dirty joke. And there’s cuss words in it too. Oh, yeah. I…listen, I will be cussing tonight. And just so’s you know… no, I will. I will. Don’t f*ckin’ “ohh” me.” I’ll be cussin’. Now, don’t wave your finger at me. You knew when you got here there’d be cussin’. If you thought you were comin’ here tonight, and every time I cussed, a little flag was goin’ up here, And someone’s going, “tootsy fruitsy,” or somethin’. “Ooh la la.” I swear it’s gonna be a long f*ckin’ night for you if you thought I was gonna do that.
I can’t cuss on tv, and it bothers me. No, it does. I…yeah! It does. It does bother me. ‘Cause when I was a young man, I was in punk rock groups and everything. And I was like, “f*ck you, man! “F*ck you! You’ll never get me wearing a suit and sittin’ behind a desk!” And now, every night… Wearin’ a suit, sittin’ behind a desk. Can’t even say “f*ck.” “Ah, your movie sounds great, ya f*ckin’ asshole.”
No, I don’t wanna give you the wrong impression, all right? I wasn’t just in punk rock bands, by the way. I was also in a heavy metal band once. One…one heavy metal band.
Oh, yeah. Ah, you know, if you’d have heard us, You wouldn’t be making that noise. You’d be like, “aah!” And running out. We were ter…we were the worst heavy meal band. We were terrible. I was 15 years old when I was in this band. We were called Stag. We used to wear spandex pants and no underwear. Yeah, we looked like marble smugglers. Yeah! We were terrible! 15-year-old heavy metal band. And you know your heavy metal band’s gonna suck when you’ve got a clarinet player. * get your motor runnin’ * But we had to have the clarinet player, ’cause his dad had a car, and he was willing to drive us around, So we had to have the f*ckin’ clarinet player. But the clarinet player was an artist, and he said, “I’ll do the bass drum skin. It’ll be f*ckin’ awesome.” We were like, “really?” He went, “yeah. “It’ll be a picture of a stag. “But get this, a stag with its antlers on fire.” We were like, “F*ck, yeah!”
Yeah! But no, see, It didn’t work out like that, ‘Cause he wasn’t that talented, this kid. So it didn’t look like a stag with his antlers on fire. It looked a badger with red hair. I was the clarinet player. Yeah, that’s right. But no more! Now I sit on tv and I can’t say “f*ck.” It bothers me, you know? It bothers me that I can’t cuss on tv. ‘Cause I’m a very cussy man. I am a very cussy man. Not an angry cusser. I’m not one of them “f*ck you” cussers, like that. Like a, “f*ck you! F*ck! F*ck!” Like that. Like, “f*ck!” I don’t have to do that. I just like doing that. But I’m not one of them, “f*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck!” Guys, Like that, like a dog. That’s what dogs are saying, “f*ck.” They are saying it. Not in, uh, adorable dog language. They’re saying it in English. “F*ck! F*ck! “F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! “F*ck! F*ck! F*ck! “F*ck! F*ck!” F*ck. F*ck! F*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck! F*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck! Dogs are saying “f*ck.” Cats don’t say “f*ck,” but they’re thinking it. They’re thinkin’, “f*ck you.”
No, I like to cuss. I’m not an angry cusser. I’m not a “f*ck you” guy. I’m not…I’m more kind of like, “Shut the f*ck up.” Like that. Like friendly cussin’, like, “No f*ckin’ way!” Shit, f*ck, no!” Like, that helps me be more adorable to people. I know, I’ve heard all the arguments against cussing. You know, “oh, Craig, come on, cussing just shows a lack of vocabulary.” And I think, “oh, shut the f*ck up!” No, it does not. Some of the greatest minds in history love to cuss. Shakespeare cussed all the time. But he did it in that fancy ren fair language, So nobody knew he was cussing. And like, “to be or not to be? F*ck if I know.” I’m paraphrasing, but that’s what he meant. Uh…
What I’m saying is, I like to cuss. It helps me be friendly to people. It emphasizes my friendliness. Like if you see…if you see a friend of yours, right, and they’ve got new pants on, and you go, “Oh, those are nice, new pants.” They’ll go, “oh, thanks very much.” But if you go, “whoa! Great f*cking pants!” They’re like, “I know! Aren’t they? “Man! I saw them in the store! I was just like, ‘f*ck’!”
I understand you gotta be appropriate. You can’t walk up to the Pope and say, “Great f*ckin’ pants, your holiness.” You couldn’t do that. Well, that doesn’t work anyway, ’cause, well, the Pope doesn’t wear pants. He wears that big dress. He wears these… he’s got a big ol’ dress. And the…and the hat. Actually, two hats. He’s got the big hat and then the little hat for windy days. “Hey, what’s the weather like today?” “It’s a little bit windy, Pope.” “Okay, I’ll wear the little hat.”
I’ll get to this joke in a minute, but you see, the… Do you know the Pope… this is true. I will get to the joke. But you know the Pope actually has special slippers designed for him by the Italian fashion designer Prada. This is true…they make ’em just for the Pope. It’s not like you can go and buy a line of them. You can’t go to the gap and go, “Give me some Pope slippers.” It’s just for the Pope. And they’ve got, you know, special designs and a little crest and writing on them and stuff that says P.O. on one and P.E. on the other. “Ah, read-A my slippers here. I’m-A the Pope.” “And-A my name is-A Pepo.” * I’m-A Pepo, I’m-A the Pope * * I’m Pepo, I’m-A the Pope *
All right, you’re right, you’re right. You’re right. That’s too much. Lay off. You can go too far, Craig. You’re right. Anyway the Pope…the Pope doesn’t talk like that. He’s not even Italian anymore, the Pope. He’s German. Yeah! So he doesn’t… he wouldn’t talk like that. He would…he would be more kind of, “As you are no doubt aware, I am the Pope.” “Observe my slippers.” “My name is Pepo.” “I realize this is an unusual name for a German, “But… “My family was in the circus. So shut up, all right?” All right. You’re right. I won’t do the Pope. That’s ridiculous.
What I’m saying is, I’m not allowed to cuss. I can’t cuss, you know, on tv, and I’m not allowed to cuss at home, either. I can’t cuss at home. ‘Cause I’ve got a 9½-year-old son. And for some reason not connected to his DNA, he seems to be an attack dog for the f*ckin’ fcc! He does! He follows me around with that little jar of his. “You said the f-word, daddy. Nickel in the jar.” I’m like, “f*ck you!” He’s like, “nickel in the jar.” “F*ck you!” “Nickel in the jar.” Like, “who in the f*ck are you?” “Nickel in the jar, daddy!” I just pay him in advance now. I’m like, “son, there’s 20 bucks. I gotta call your mother.”
Do you know what my son said to me? He said, you know, he asked me what the f-word means. I said, “it’s a naughty word, son.” He’s like, “no shit, dad, I’m gettin’ rich.” There’s a nickel. I can afford it. No, he said to me, “what does the f-word mean?” I said, “it’s a very naughty word, son. “It’s very, very naughty. It’s a…it’s a naughty word for sex.” He’s like, “you know about sex, dad?” I was like, “yeah, I remember it vaguely. Why do you ask?” I said, “do you know about sex?” He said, “yeah.” I said, “ooh, wait there. “This will be adorable. I’ll get the video camera. I’ll ask him about sex. This’ll be great.” ‘Cause he’s 9½. What’s he gonna say about sex? “Santa, angels, moonbeams.” It’ll be adorable. He’ll be like that Bill Cosby, kids are funny little motherf*ckers. That thing. They… I’m paraphrasing, but that’s what he means.
Anyway, so, you know, I thought, “I’ll film him, you know. “He’ll tell me about sex. “Then I’ll wait till he’s about 14, “And then I’ll say, ‘hey, remember that money “‘In the swear jar? “‘I’ll take it back now, or this shit goes on YouTube, you little bastard.'” You’re welcome, parents. So I set him up, and I said, “do you know about sex, son?” He said, “I know all about sex, dad.” I went, “all right, what do you know about sex?” He said, “I know all about sex. “Penis, vagina, glory hole, Dirty Sanchez, Rusty trombone, Cleveland steamer.” I’m like, “what the f*ck? What the f*ck? What the f*ck?” “What the f*ck? “Cleveland steamer. What is that? Well, never mind! Never mind!”
I never taught my son about sex. I never, I didn’t! I will never teach my son about sex! Just like my father never taught me! And his father never taught him, and… Actually, it’s a f*ckin’ miracle Scottish people didn’t die out in the middle ages. Scottish people don’t talk about sex! We can’t; it’s too embarrassing for us. We can’t talk about it. If a… If a Scottish person wants to talk about sex, we just kind of giggle and walk backwards and point at our genitals. It’s true. If you go to Scotland and you see someone that looks like they might be special and they have to go to the bathroom, they don’t… they just find you attractive. Nobody talks about sex in Scotland. Scottish gynecologists don’t even talk about sex. It’s just like, “Uh, get up on the table there, Mrs. Henderson, lift up your skirt.” “We’ll take a look at your magic baby door.”
Ah, nobody talks… so I said to my son, I said, “who… who taught you about sex, son? “This is awful. W-Was it the creepy guy in the school parking lot?” I said…’cause my son goes to the same school as Charlie Sheen‘s kids. So I thought it might be that, you know. Whoa! Hey, whoa! Whoa! Hey, what… you “ooh” me for Charlie Sheen, and you’re okay with the Pope thing? What the hell happened to you? “Aw, Craig, come on. “Charlie Sheen! “What did he ever do, “apart from hold a knife to his wife’s throat on Christmas eve?” “Put the hooker in the closet!”
Aw, poor Charlie. You’re right. I shouldn’t go after Charlie. He had to go to jail on Christmas eve. Yeah, in f*ckin’ Aspen! The jail in Aspen has been on the cover of architectural digest!
So I said to my son, “who taught you about sex, son?” He said, “the teachers.” I said, “the teachers at school?” He went, “yeah.” I went, “fourth grade?” He’s like, “yeah.” I’m like, “what the f*ck?” “See, that’s a nickel.” I went, “f*ck you!”
But I…I don’t… there was no se… I never got taught about sex when I was in the fourth grade. I never actually had the fourth grade. I was in Scotland. I was working up a chimney. Because there was no sex education in Scotland. And…well, that’s not true, actually. When I was about 15 years old, in science class one day, I remember the… I was sitting around with the rest of the guys in stag… Um… And we were waiting for the science teacher to come in one morning. His name was Mr. Weir. Nasty, bitter old vicious alcoholic. Don’t know what the f*ck was going on with the Scottish education board in the 1970s. It was like, “do you like whiskey? Do you hate kids? The job’s yours.” Anyway, we… We were sitting in science class, and we were waiting for Mr. Weir to come in, and, you know, and then he came in, and we knew there was something wrong when he came in, ’cause he was like… And he was… this is true. He was carrying a little aquarium with him. A little fish tank. But there were no fish in it. It was just…no water. It was just a rock with two toads on it. And he said, “Pay attention, everyone.” “This is Mr. And Mrs. Toad. “They’re married. “They were married in a church. “By a protestant minister. “And now, they… eeh eeh. “Now they want to have a baby. See how Mr. Toad is pushing his shame branch…” “See how he’s pushing his shame branch “against Mrs. Toad’s magic baby door? Do you see that?” That was my sex education in school, and that was it. Watchin’ two toads f*ckin’ in a fish tank! That’s it! The miracle of new life. “Ehh.”
That was all I ever knew! For years, I thought the only way to get a girl to go out with you was run up behind her, grab her hair, spit in it, and shout, “ribbit!” It’s stran– if I saw a woman I was attracted to across a crowded room, I’d be like… Pff! You know the weirdest thing, it f*ckin’ works! It does! You gotta go, pff! They’re like, “get lost, you freak.” “Pff! Pff!” “I like him.”
That was it; that was my sex education, the two toads. So consequently, I’m very old-fashioned about sex. I’m not like the youngsters today with their new ideas about sex. You know, photographing your genitals And texting them to each other and all that shit. What the hell is wrong with you people? “Ah, this’ll be sexy. Ca-Ching!”
No, I’m very old-fashioned about sex. I’m a romantic…I don’t need all that emailing and phones and cameras and shit. I’m a romantic. I’m an old-fashioned about sex. I couple of hookers, some blow, a midget. I’m good, I don’t… That’s how we used to do it! That’s how we used to do it. That’s the old-fashioned way. When things were simpler.
I don’t…I would never send any of them sexy emails. That’s how you get caught. I’ve never sent one. I don’t mind getting them at craig@theinternet/google.Com.
But I… Seriously. I’d never send a sexy email. That’s how Tiger Woods got caught. He was sending all them sexy emails from his phone, and then his wife was in the kitchen one day, and she’s like, “oh, I can’t find the kitchen phone. “I’ll just use Tiger’s phone. Might as well… ” Aaah! “Tiger! I’m gonna need the nine-iron for this. Come here, you bastard!”
See, even Tiger Woods got caught in that big sex scandal. I was like you ladies. I was outraged. Outraged. It’s kind of good if you’re a guy, though. ‘Cause it just makes you look great. “Ah, I’m sorry I forgot to take out the garbage, honey. “I was too busy not having sex “with 14 mistresses. Uh…sorry.”
See, when Tiger Woods got caught in the sex scandal, and everybody said, “oh, Tiger Woods. “His career is ruined. “He’s ruined! He’ll never play golf again! “He will never play golf again! He’ll be hopeless now.” And I’m thinking, “are you sure? Are you sure? Are you thinking this through?” I think, once this blows over a bit, he’s gonna be better at golf. Better! Because, clearly, he never practiced before. He wasn’t practicin’! He’s just f*ckin’ and winnin’! F*ckin’ and winnin’! F*ckin’ and winnin’! “Hey, Tiger, Tiger. You want to go to the driving range?” “Sorry, no time. Just f*cking and winning!”
And then when he did come back to golf, And everybody’s…like, The whole country watched his return to golf. Tiger’s return after the scandal. Everybody’s watching. And I’m thinking, “what the hell do you expect to see here?” It’s professional golf. He’s just gonna golf. What do you think? He’s gonna go nuts and f*ck the hole or something? Like, “I’ve got to make this putt. I’ve got to get back in the… ah, f*ck it. Aah!”
The whole country. We’re all watching it. Everyone watching his pants as he walked up the fairway. It moved. It moved. Did you see it? It moved.
Seeing a big celebrity gets caught in a sex scandal like that though, and I hear about it in the morning, I’m like, “oh, f*ck yeah. Easy day at work.”
It’s awesome. Oh, yes. It was, like, the best one ever was when Dick Cheney shot his lawyer in the face. I was like, “oh, f*ck yeah. Oh, fantastic. He shot his lawyer in the face?” “Yeah.” “Oh, beautiful.” “Did the lawyer die?” “No, the lawyer lived!” ‘Cause if the lawyer dies, you have to wait a day. Hey, hey, for a human, it’s three days.
Wait, wait. Wait. Let’s just stop for a second and discuss what kind of f*ckin’ reaction that was there. “Oh, Craig, that’s a terrible thing. “Actually, now that we think about it, Now we agree with you. Yeah.” Even lawyers are like, “he’s right. We’re assholes.”
I met Dick Cheney when I was at the White House. I was speaking at the white house correspondence dinner, And I met Dick Cheney there. I was terrified. He’s like a f*ckin’ Bond villain. He is! He’s like… He does this with his hand. There’s nothing there. He just does it. He’s stroking an imaginary pussy. If that’s a crime, lock me up.
But… I was actually terrified when I met him, ‘Cause I said some mean things about him in the speech, And then after I was like, “oh, is that okay?” He went, “oh, no, I loved it. “I can take it. I enjoyed myself. “I…I enjoyed it very much. Now you, you enjoy your audit.” And you know what? I got f*ckin’ audited. I know.
Yeah, anyway, that’s my job now, apparently, pick on celebrities that get caught with their pants down. I never used to give a shit about it, but now I have to pay attention to it, apparently. The first time it happened… When I got the Late Night Show, the first one I ever had to deal with was the Kevin Costner sex scandal. Remember that? Yeah, nobody f*ckin’ remembers that. Which tells me two things… One, Kevin Costner has a great publicist, and two, none of you f*ckers was watching my show in the first year. It’s all right. “That’s right. I don’t even f*ckin’ watch it now.”
Well, very briefly, the first…the Kevin Costner sex scandal, actually, it was golf related, again. He was in Scotland, of all places. Kevin Costner went to Scotland to play golf at St. Andrews, the royal and ancient home of golf. And apparently, after his golf game, or allegedly, for legal reasons, he was getting a massage, and he asked the masseuse for a happy ending. What we would now call an Al Gore. All right, all right. Okay.
Anyway, by the way, when he did this, you know, uh, he wasn’t just on any vacation in Scotland. He was on his honeymoon. Oh, mm, yes. Feel a little more comfortable judging him now, don’t you? “Oh, thanks, Craig, yes. Now we can enjoy it just a little more.” No, apparently… I don’t know if it’s true, but apparently that’s what he did. He asked the masseuse for a happy ending. And I’m thinking, “Kevin, who the hell goes to the royal and ancient home of golf and thinks, ‘I wonder if I can get my three wood-polished while I’m here’?” And I’m thinking the masseuse is Scottish. Are you out of your mind? If I could get a Scottish woman to give me a hand job, I would never have f*ckin’ emigrated. What the hell? You’re a bad girl, aren’t ya?
Anyway, so apparently he did this. I don’t know if he did it or not. But I heard about it, and, you know, I thought, “Well, it’s my job now to make fun of this. This is my job, I guess.” And so that night I talked about it on the show. I, uh, I didn’t do much. I punned on his movie titles a little bit. I think I said Lap dances with wolves, And… Field of creams, I think I did. People will come, Ray. No, I… I didn’t do that. I didn’t do that! I didn’t. I didn’t. I f*ckin’ should have done that, But I didn’t do that.
Anyway, that’s what I did that night on the show. And then the next night you move on to the next thing. I’d forgotten all about it. You move on. You get the robot or the puppets, or whatever the hell you’re doing, and… Before…you know, a couple of weeks after that, I get invited to a big Hollywood party. Now, I don’t normally go to big Hollywood parties, ’cause I’m not normally invited to big Hollywood parties, but I got invited, so I went. And I got introduced to Kevin Costner. And I’d forgotten all about this thing, But he had f*ckin’ not. I don’t know if you know this, but Kevin Costner has a tv. And occasionally he can’t sleep. Oh, f*ck, it was awful. He got right in my face about it. He was like… And I was like… And he was like… And I was like… And he was like…
Anyway, I talked to him for a while, and he’s not a bad guy, Kevin Costner, as it turned out. I felt terrible. I just felt awful. I thought, “oh, I’m a dick. “I’m a f*ckin’ dick. And now Kevin Costner hates me. Bah.” So, no, I…I…really, I felt awful about it, and I thought, you know, from now on, I’m gonna try and not offend celebrities if I can avoid it, but you can’t f*ckin’ avoid it. You can’t. I mean, you can upset them… Some of them have very fragile egos. I know. It was news to me. In fact, that’s the noise I made.
No, you can upset people without even knowing you’re doing it. I got into terrible trouble with the actress Kate Winslet, and I didn’t even know until we tried to book her on the show. And the bookers called up her agent, And her agent said, “Kate will never be on that show. Not after what Craig said about her.” I was like, “I never said anything about her. I never said a… oh, yeah, I did, yeah…” Well, I wasn’t really talking about her. I was talking about the movie Titanic, which she was in. And I love that movie. I love the movie Titanic. It’s a great movie. I particularly enjoy the work of Leonardo DiCaprio. I think he’s a great actor. Fat, thin, beard, no beard, happy, sad. He can do f*ckin’ everything. And… I have only one problem. At the end of that movie when they’re, you know… They’re in the water, the ship sunk, and she’s on the door and he’s in the water, And he’s like, “I’m dying.” He’s really good, isn’t he? I mean, that’s how good he is. He’s like, “I’m…I’m dying. It’s so…so cold. I’m dying.” And she’s like, “yes, you are dying. It’s terribly sad. Bye.” I’m thinking, you know what? There’s room on that door for two people, right there. I mean, this isn’t some hardwood piece of shit we’re talking about. This is a giant door built in the shipyards of Belfast by union members. This is a big…this has been curled and worked at. There’s brass fittings on… This motherf*cker is mahogany. This is a big, big door. Cuban families come to America on doors like this.
By the way, a word of advice, never say that in Miami.
Anyway, I had a problem with the logic at the end, ‘Cause I thought the two of them would get on the door, So I…you know, I was talking about it, And I’m a passionate person. I was getting involved and talking about it, and in the heat of the moment I said, “Oh, come on, Kate. Move over, you fat b!tch.” Now I don’t mean… Hey, let me finish. Let me finish. I don’t mean she’s fat. She’s not fat. She’s not fat. And even if she was fat, I wouldn’t comment on a woman’s weight. What am I? I’m f*ckin’ suicidal? I’m not an idiot. I don’t comment on a woman’s weight. I’m post feminism. I understand. I’m a reconstructed man. I’m like, “keep your f*ckin’ mouth shut.” I understand it. I would never comment on a woman’s weight. I don’t do it. I don’t think it’s right to do it. And I felt ter– and I struggle with it too. I…I feel your pain, sisters.
So I– honestly, I felt terrible, So I called up the agent myself. I went, “you know what? God, I feel awful about this. “This is a terrible thing. “Look, let’s get Kate on the show, “And we’ll do a show about this, “‘Cause this is bullshit. “I don’t want to be that guy. “I don’t want to be that guy. I’m not that guy. “We’ll get her on the show, we’ll talk about it. “I’ll say I’m a sorry. I’m a dick. I’m a douchebag. She’s gorgeous. We’ll do all that.” And the agent said, “I’ll just have to call someone, and I’ll call you back.” And I went, “oh, right.” And she called me back five minutes later And said, “Kate will never be on your show.” And I said, “fine. Tell her she’s a fat b!tch.”
But… But she’s not. She’s not a fat b!tch. I… I don’t know the woman at all. I never met her in my life. I’m sure she’s a lovely woman in every way. Well, not every way. She’s an actress. She’s probably a f*ckin’ sociopath. But… But she’s not a fat sociopath. And you know what? Even if she was fat, even if she was, I wouldn’t care, ’cause I like that. Huh. Yeah, that’s right. I said it. I like it. I like a woman with a bit of unh! I do. I like a bit of “ooh, yeah.” I like a bit of “let’s get you up the stairs.” I like all of that. I do. I like… I like to slap and then watch the wave. I like all of that. There’s a name for men like me that like women like that. We’re called heterosexuals. That’s right. That’s right. Ladies, if your man likes you to be too skinny, very, very skinny, he’s not your husband. He’s your gay friend. “Someone’s looking a little bit fat.” “Really? Someone’s looking a little bit gay.”
You’re welcome, girls. Use it anytime. Anytime you like. For free and for fun. My gift to you. Anytime you like. Use it. Enjoy your fries.
Anyway, what I’m saying is, I have to deal with the celebrities and then f*ckin’ teach them a lesson when they get into trouble. And my heart’s not in it. The worst one was when I had to do The David Letterman sex scandal. I was like, “oh, f*ck. Really? Thanks.” ‘Cause I don’t know if you know. David Letterman is my boss, right? Now this is my boss, and he’s caught in a sex scandal. Now the job is, you know, make fun of the people who are caught in the sex scandal, but in this case, it’s my boss. Now I have to do the job, but I’d quite like to keep the f*ckin’ job. It’s like trying to do a Rubik’s cube in a burning building. I was like… Shit. Shit. Shit. Actually, when I first heard about Dave’s sex scandal, I shat my pants. It was awful, because…
What, you can’t say “shat your pants” in Nashville? All right. I soiled my britches when I heard about it.
What I mean is, I got afraid, Because I was walking around the house in the morning, And the tv was on, and I wasn’t paying attention. I was just doing my thing, getting ready and stuff. And the tv news was on, and I heard the anchorman say, “CBS late night host caught in sex scandal.” I was like, “Fabio, you b!tch!” And then I was like, “oh…”
What can I tell you? I like big women.
Do you remember? I’m gonna get to this joke. Do you remember when… Do you remember when Fabio got hit in the face by a goose? Remember that? Fabio did… They were opening a new amusement park somewhere. I think it was in Florida or the Midwest. Busch Gardens, it was called. I’d go. That’s a great name, actually, Busch Gardens. Busch Gardens? You had me at “busch.” But they… But they were opening up this new amusement park. This is a true story. And they said, “we need to get a celebrity,” you know, for this new amusement park. Someone that’s gonna bring in the kids. They’re like, “oh, Fabio.” And they go with Fabio. And it was the first ride of the roller coaster, and Fabio was gonna be, you know, the first guy to ride the roller coaster at Busch Gardens.
But they have the… they had this thing. Fabio was in the front car, and it started up. And it was kinda going… going up the thing, the hill, for the first time, and Fabio was sitting there, and his shirt was open and his hair’s all blowing. He’s like, “aah…” It wasn’t even windy. He can just do that. He was like, “aah…” And just as it got to the top, just the… A goose is flying by. And the goose went, “f*cking hell, is that Fabio? What the…aah!” And as the goose is dying, It’s thinking, “what are the f*cking odds of this? Death by Fabio?”
But they had to do an emergency stop of the roller coaster, and they brought it around quick, and Fabio was all f*cked up. He was all… oh, it was terrible. No, you shouldn’t laugh. It was awful. He was all mad. He was angry. There was feathers and beak marks. Little webbed footprints and stuff. And he was all… “aah.” He looked like he’d been eating a live chicken or something. He’s like…
And he…but he was okay. But a couple of days later… this is true. He tried to start a kind of we are the world thing for people that had been hit in the face by geese while riding on roller coasters. That’s true! * we were hit by geese * it really hurt * the little beak went in my cheek * * and now I’m f*cked…
But, actually, it didn’t work out, because, you know, they looked it up, And they’re like, “actually, in the history of the human race and roller coasters, this has never f*ckin’ happened before.” The odds are astronomical! This could never happen, but it did.
And you know what? See, when something that unlikely happens, something that weirdly out of the ordinary, that, to me, proves the existence of god. Proves it. You know god exists and god has a sense of humor. ‘Cause god’s watching Fabio, and he’s like, “Is that Fabio?” “How does he do that thing with the shirt and the hair? It’s not even windy over here.” “Hey, come here and look at this. “Come here, come here. “Just come here. It’s…it’ll be fun. Come here.” “Yeah, I’m gonna. I’m gonna. “Yes, I am. Boom. Yeah!”
How do you feel now, atheists? Think about that when you’re driving home in your Prius, you f*ckin’ hippie. That’s right. I said it. I said it. Get an engine, you communist. I don’t like you, and I don’t like your f*ckin’ little car. I don’t like them Priuses. They’re too quiet. I feel like I’m gonna wake up one night and there’ll be one at the end of my bed. “I recycle.” “Do you?”
That’s how I’ve proved to myself the existence of god. I now no longer have a struggle with faith. I’ve proved to myself the existence of god. I will prove to you right now tonight the existence of god using my unlikeliness theory. Right? Here it is, the unlikeliness theory. I will prove to you now the existence of god. Siegfried and Roy. Bear with me. For this we have to go back in time. We’re going back in time to Vienna, Austria. It’s 1974. There’s a little fog in the street. Just that little fog, like a Smashing Pumpkins video. A young man is walking the streets. He is forlorn and dejected. His name is Siegfried. “I am forlorn and dejected. “I am doomed to a life of loneliness, “For no one will ever share my interests. My only two interests are lion taming and c0ck.” “Who in all of Austria Would also be interested in lion taming and c0ck?” “Hi, Siegfried. I’m Roy. I’m also interested in lion taming and c0ck.” Two gay Austrian lion tamers? What are the f*ckin’ odds of that? What are the odds of that? “I also like white tigers.” “I love white tigers!”
How do you feel now, atheists? Let me ask you a question, atheists, when you’re driving home in them little Priuses. Who do you call on when the brakes fail in that little shit box? “Oh, no. Help me, spontaneous chemical reaction.”
What am I talking about? Oh, yeah, Dave sex scandal. The Dave sex scandal was terrible, terrible for me. The only thing that I was grateful for, there was no sex tape. ‘Cause, you know, I love Dave, but I don’t want to see that. Actually, I don’t watch the sex tapes. I try not to watch the celebrity sex videotapes, ’cause a lot of these people are gonna be on the show, and I don’t want that in my head when I meet someone for the first time. Like, “oh, yeah, I remember his c0ck from the internet. How you doing?” That’s why Tommy Lee has never been on the show, ’cause I’ve seen that one. Actually, before I saw that video, I didn’t know Tommy Lee was Scottish.
And the other one that I wish I’d seen but I never saw were the Carrie Prejean sex tapes. Do you remember Carrie Prejean? She was a miss California beauty queen. No, you don’t, but thanks. Uh… “I haven’t made a noise for a while. Aah!” Carrie Prejean was a miss California beauty queen who became miss USA, and she got into terrible trouble, because during the question-and-answer part of the beauty pageant, you know, when they grill the girls to find out if they’re smart enough to be beauty queens, They… If you don’t get this right, you’re ugly. And by the way, beauty is decided by Donald Trump? That’s like a midget deciding who’s the tallest. What the f*ck? Did you “ooh” me for Donald Trump? F*cking seriously?
Anyway, Carrie Prejean was this… She got into terrible trouble, ’cause during the question-and-answer thing, It came out that she was against gay marriage. So all the people that are for gay marriage were like, “what?” And all the people that were against gay marriage were like, “hooray!” But then her time in the media was f*cked up, because sex tapes came out where, apparently, she had been sending sex tapes to her boyfriend on her phone… Just of her, just her on her own, no one else in the tape, which I think is a level of confidence I could only aspire to. That’s amazing. “I’m making a sex tape.” “Really? Who’s in it?” “Just me.” “Who else do you need?”
Actually, when a woman does that, that’s…that’s actually awesome. Now, women…that’d be great. A man should never do that, though. Never send…no woman wants to see that on her phone. That would be bad. Ugh. Here’s me thinking about you, honey. Whaa-Ha! Can’t wait to see you tonight. A woman would get that on her phone… she’d be like, “aah! Ah, take out my eyes! I can never use them again!”
She got into terrible trouble, this Carrie Prejean woman, and she had to go on Larry King to defend herself. By the way, I love Larry King. I do. I really love Larry King, and I hate that he’s retiring and being replaced by some British f*ck. We don’t need foreigners on American television. What the f*ck is going on? That’s right!
She had to go– I do. I love Larry King. I do. Larry King is…like, that’s the way you should grow old, Like Larry King. Larry King typifies, for me, the spirit of the punk-rock movement. Absolutely, ’cause he’s like… you know, like you young people, you’re like, “I don’t give a f*ck what you think, man.” You give a f*ck. You comb your hair. You wear deodorant. Larry doesn’t f*cking give a shit about any of that. Larry doesn’t give a f*ck what you think. It’s true. I’ve been on his show. Larry will look you directly in the eyes, fart really loudly, and not break eye contact. It’s like… What’s wrong? Don’t you like brisket?
I f*cking love Larry King…I love him. That’s the way I want to grow old, like Larry King, not giving a f*ck. That’s how you get old. Like, see, when I was a young comedian in the comedy clubs… I was, like, 23, 24… I was like, “all the older comedians are hacks, man. They’re all assholes. They’re all f*cking hacks.” But now, you see, I’m 48, And I hear the young comedians talking, And I’m like, “shut the f*ck up, you douche.” And stop touching your groin when you’re telling jokes. It doesn’t make you edgy. It just looks dirty. They’re like, “hi, everybody. I’m edgy. Whoa, oh, oh.” “Here’s a new style of comedy… me touching my c0ck.” I don’t have to keep doing this. I just like doing this. “Hey, everybody. I’m edgy. I’m edgy. Mm-Hmm. “Have you ever noticed how some things are like other things?”
Now, I’m 48 years old. I’ve been married three times. I’ve been through rehab. My balls touch my ankles when I stand up, but, no… I never noticed how some things are like other things. Shut up! It’s true. My balls are leaving me… Slowly. Sometimes I feel I’m being followed by twin hamsters. Are they still there? I’m getting away, though.
Anyway…oh, yeah, I was gonna tell you this joke. So here’s the joke. It’s an old joke, which means I stole it. I didn’t really steal it, but if you do what I do for a living and go on the internet accidentally and google yourself accidentally… F*ck you. People will say that you steal things all the time. I noticed that. This is not kidding, right? I googled myself. I don’t do it anymore. I googled myself by accident. I came into the room, and I tripped and fell and typed my name in google on the computer. Like, oh! I googled…and somebody said in this chat room on the internet… I’m not kidding. This is true. Somebody said… Said, “that Craig Ferguson, yeah, he stole the whole Scottish thing from Mike Myers.”
Now, listen, I know Mike Myers. I like him. He’s a very nice man, but he’s Canadian. And in this same chat room… I’m not kidding. In the same chat room, somebody else…this is true. Somebody said, “no, no, he didn’t steal his act from Mike Myers. He stole his act from Ellen Degeneres.” Now, listen, I know and like Ellen Degeneres. She’s a very nice woman, but come on! I’m not butch enough to do Ellen material.
I do kind of look like an old lesbian, don’t I? I kind of do. I’ve noticed it. I know. I know. It’s all right. We can just… you know, we can talk about it. Sometimes I just look in the mirror, I’m like, “F*ck, K.D. Lang.”
There’s this idea that people are meaner than they used to be. Because of the internet, you know, people are meaner. They’re not meaner. People are not meaner than they used to be. People have always been assholes, except you guys. But they… But they are, and people are not meaner. What happens is the technology is just faster. It’s just faster. What happens is, you have this crazy idea, and there’s a crazy, angry thought, and you’re like, “I’ve got a crazy, angry thought.” Tickety-Tick, tick, tick, boom! And it’s out. And you don’t have time. You don’t have time to slow down and self-edit and ask yourself the three things you must always ask yourself before you say anything, which is, “does this need to be said? Does this need to be said by me? Does this need to be said by me now?” Three f*cking marriages it took me to learn that. Three.
It’s like…it’s the technology. It’s too fast. Like, in the old days… In the middle ages, if you had a crazy thought, You were like, “I got to write this down. “I’m so angry. I’m so crazy. I’m gonna write this down. “Well, I better learn to read and write, “Because it’s the middle ages, and only monks and priests can read and write.” Right, well, okay, a couple of years of that… “I’m still angry. I’m gonna write this down. “I’m gonna need…oh, f*ck it. I’m gonna need parchment. “All right, parchment and weave the parchment. “Weave the parchment. Right, got some parchment. Oh, f*ck, a pen. Give me a chicken.” “Right, chicken. Oh, f*ck, ink. “Crush the berries. Crush the berries. “Right, parchment, berries, pen…let’s go. “Right, capital letter to start off… “Big medieval capital letter with things going around it, “Little trees and squirrelly bits. “God’s hand coming down… a little castle, a tree, “A brook, a dwarf, all kind of things, “Little tigers and designs. You know what? I’m just gonna let it go.” Three weeks for the letter “f,” 30 seconds for “uck it.”
Also, of course, with the internet, you’ve got that kind of hidden feeling. You’re kind of protected. You’re kind of… You know, you’re kind of anonymous. It’s kind of like in your car. You’re a bit more of a dick when you drive than when you walk, ’cause you’re kind of protected. It’s like the same thing. Like, you would never walk like you drive. You never walk up behind somebody and go, “Oh, come on, get a move on. “Oh! “Oh, what? Come on! “Oh, invisible friend, look at this. “Oh. Oh! I know you’re on my side, god. Come on!” Like, getting round in front of them and slowing down… “How do you f*cking like it, huh?” “Learn to walk, you bastard.” You wouldn’t do that, ’cause somebody would kill you.
Men are particularly bad at this. I’m as bad as any other man. You know, we think if we have a big machine, a big badass machine, like a big truck or a big car, It makes us a big badass person. It doesn’t. It doesn’t. It makes you the owner of a big badass machine. That’s all. I saw a very good example of this when I used to live in London. I lived in London, and I saw a traffic accident one day between a guy on a big Italian motorcycle… Beautiful, big thing, A big “what’s-A-Coming-A-Go, “what’s-A-Coming-A-Go”… And… And a little Mini Cooper, you know, a little kind of… Beep, beep. And they had this accident. It wasn’t too bad. But the bike went over, and the Mini Cooper went into the curb, and the guy on the bike was f*cking crazy. He was incensed. He got up, and he gets a bike chain. He goes over to the Mini, and the doors are still closed in the mini. He goes over, and he’s f*cking mad. He gets the bike chain, and he’s like, “you crazy motherf*cker! You got to… Well, it wasn’t like that. It was London. He was like… “I’m terribly cross with you right now.” “Ooh, you’ve made me grumpy.” And I know what he’s thinking. He’s thinking, well, the Mini Cooper is a small car, so the person in it is gonna be small, and he’s gonna be able to bully and intimidate them. And, of course, the door opens, And this f*cking head starts to come out… This huge, giant c0ckney head, big thing, no hair on the top, just bits of bacon and fur and stuff. And this guy… like, one eye in the middle, and he’s like… He gets up, and he… And he’s wearing one of them pinkie rings that guys wear when their hobby is murdering. And he gets…he gets up to his full height, and he looks down at the guy, and he’s like, “What the f*ck do you think you’re doing?” And the guy with the chain said, “I saw a bug on the roof of your car, and… it looked like it might be a sting-Y one. I was chasing it away.”
But what happened is, he was made to be responsible for his actions. But that won’t happen to you on the internet. Nobody on the internet… No big c0ckney’s gonna come round to your house If you’ve been on the internet and stuff a bike chain down your pants and slap you… Unless you go to the right website maybe, and then… Chaindownyourpants.Com, If that exists. It will by midnight. I’ll see you there.
Now, I noticed when people were getting f*cking mean on the internet… What happened is I accidentally googled myself… Fell over, typed my name in… after I got married. I got married again, and I went on the internet to see how happy everyone was for me. F*cking hell. It was awful. One woman… I think it was a woman. Her name was susan123 or something, and she said, “married again, eh? Hmm. She’s a user, and he’s a pervert.” And I’m like, “how do they know us?”
I did. I got married… I got married again. I got married to a Yankee woman. What? You wouldn’t make that noise if you were a real Yankee. You’d just sit there quietly smug in your cardigan.
No, I did. I married a Yankee woman from up in the new Hampshire area. And they’re very… very posh kind of Yankees, very kind of upper-class Yankees, which is freaky for me, Because they don’t even sound American. You know, they sound… they are American, but they sound like English people. They’re like, “oh, yes, “We’re terribly American, yes. “We’re terribly American. We enjoy gum, and we detest al-Qaeda.” They do. They sound like upper-class English people. They’re so posh, they don’t say the word “yes.” They say, “ears.” They’re like…you say, “would you like a drink?” They go… “Ears, that would be lovely.”
I remember that. I remember that from when I lived in London. Occasionally, when I lived in London, I would have sex with a girl from an aristocratic family. And I… I always enjoy doing to them what their ancestors did to my country. Oh… although with me, there was always cuddling afterwards. But it’s very confusing having sex with an upper-class English girl, because they’d be saying, “oh, ears, ears, ears. Ears! Ears!” I’d be like, “oh, all right, then.” And the midget would be like, “what the hell are you doing?” I’d be like, “never mind.” And then when they start saying, “oh, I’m arriving. I’m arriving!” I’m kidding. I never heard that.
But… They’re very strange, though, the Yankees. They’re very, very strange to me. They’re weird. They’re so tight-ass. They’re like… “ears.” It’s like, even when they get drunk, they’re tight-ass. Like, when my people get drunk, we go crazy. We’re just like… “Oh, Danny boy! You don’t f*cking know me! You…I f*cking love you!” “I’m all right! I’m all right!” “I know! I’m good!” Oh!
And the men are worse, but when Yankees get drunk… When Yankees get drunk, they’re just more tight-ass. You go, “are you drunk?” They go, “ears.” They’re like the Addams family. When I first met them, they were…I go to the house, there was a plate of cookies going round, and I went to take one, and somebody said, “Not that one. That’s for mother.”
Very strange. Not like my family at all. My family aren’t upper-class or posh or anything. We’re more kind of… How do you describe my family? Carnies, I guess. Carnies. We’re kind of carnies. We are, you know, working-class people with psychic abilities. That’s what we are. My father had a very unusual psychic ability. He could, um, detect water. It’s called divining. He would use a “y”- shaped “u” branch And he could find water with that. Which is a very impressive skill in a country where it rains 365 days of the year. “I think there’s water over here, son.” “It’s a swamp, dad.”
Not only could my father find water with a stick. He could find a bar with his shoes. Hang on, son. Hang on. Hang on. Whoa, oh, what’s this? What’s this? Come on. Right again!
I don’t want to give you the wrong impression about my dad. He wasn’t a drunk or an alcoholic. He was just Scottish. I became a terrible drunk or alcoholic… Or a good one, depending on your point of view, I guess. I certainly threw myself at it with gusto. There was no half-measures with me. People never said, “I wonder if he’s a…” “No, no. He is.” So I mean, I’ve been sober for a very long time and people still say to me, they say, “Oh, Craig, how much did you drink back then?” I’m like, “I don’t know.” It’s not f*cking Weight Watchers. It’s not like you wake up in the dumpster and go, “oomp, 14 units. I need a meeting.”
That’s one of the few upsides of active alcoholism. Very little in the way of paperwork. It’s one of those weird things, being an alcoholic. Everybody thinks they know about it more than you do. It’s kind of like having a southern accent, You know what I mean? It’s like people do it back to you. Like, “yickety-dickety.” It’s true. People think they know about it. They’re like, “oh, you know, This is what you have to do.” I was like, “oh, shut the f*ck up.” You don’t know about this. It’s like… people like me, when we listen to people who are not alcoholics, and they’re having drinks and they say, “Mm, oh, I’m gonna have to stop now. I’m starting to feel it.” And I’m like, “that’s the f*cking point.” That’s the point! “Oh, I’m…I’m starting to get a little drunk.” Yes! Starting to feel it is not the end of drinking. It’s the beginning of drinking.
Anyway, look, I’m gonna tell you this joke. It’s very important that I tell you, ’cause this is what I want to do. I want to tell you this joke, and we’re done. I love this joke. This is the best joke I ever heard. It’s the most beautiful joke in the world. No pressure. It’s just a great joke. I love this joke. It’s a joke which I think says everything about men and women And about life and the universe and how we must all come together and try and love each other a little bit. It was a joke made famous in Britain in the 1970s by a British comedian called Bernard Manning, who was a lovely man. Well, he was a fat, profane alcoholic, but I liked him. And he used to tell this joke, and here it is. He used to say… “Ladies and gentlemen… “I’ve got my wife her Christmas present. “For Christmas, I got her a pair of shoes and a vibrator. If she doesn’t like the shoes, she can go f*ck herself.”
Sorry, I love that joke. And that’s it. That’s the joke I came to tell you. And we’re done now. That’s it. It’s over. The joke has been told. Thank you.
No, I’m done. The only thing that remains for me to do is to thank you for your southern hospitality, your weirdly creepy friendliness, and your, uh… and your adorable accents. Yuguda-Diggada-Doo-Doo.
I’d like to thank you the only way I really know how… In the form of a song. It’s a song that goes a little something like this.
* * yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah * yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah * I think I did it again * I made you believe * we’re more than just friends * * oh, baby * it might seem like a crush * but it doesn’t mean * that I’m serious * ’cause to lose all my senses * * that is just so typically me * * oh, baby, baby * oops! I did it again * * I played with your heart * got lost in the game * oh, baby, baby * oops! You think I’m in love * * that I’m sent from above * I’m not that innocent * you see my problem is this * I’m dreaming away * wishing that heroes, they truly exist * * I cry watching the days * can’t you see I’m a fool * in so many ways? * but to lose all my senses * that is just so typically me * * baby, oh * oops! I did it again * * I played with your heart * got lost in the game * oh, baby, baby * oops! You think I’m in love * * that I’m sent from above * I’m not that innocent *