Craig Ferguson: A Wee Bit o’ Revolution (2009) – Transcript

Newly granted American citizenship, Craig Ferguson, filmed live at the Wilbur Theatre in Boston, shares his insights on rehab, explains why junkies are fun to be around and criticizes the latest James Bond for not being hairy enough.

July 4th, 2008
Boston, Mass.


I arrived here in 1995, a broken-down vaudevillian from the old country. But I arrived in America. Here’s what America asked of me–nothing. And I was free. Free of my own past. Free to succeed. Free to fail. America did not even ask me to be a citizen. I chose to be a citizen. Whatever mistakes we make along the way, we, the people, always correct them. We, the people, the citizens of the United States of America, are its voice. We are its soul. We are its expression. Our leaders are but servants to our voice. That is our glorious revolution.

[Rock music]

♪ ♪

[cheers and applause]

Aah! Oh! [Laughs] oh-ho! Yeah! Finally! Finally! Finally! Finally I got to be at the Wilbur theatre in Boston.

[Laughter, cheers, applause]

The Wilbur! [As Mr. Ed] the Wilbur! When I was back in the old country, I was like, “one day I’m gonna grow up, I’m gonna grow up, I’m gonna get there. I’m gonna go to America, I’m gonna go to Boston. I’m gonna be in the Wilbur.” “You’ll never get to the Wilbur. You ain’t good enough! You’ll never get to the Wilbur!” “I will too get to the Wilbur. I will!” And it’s just as I imagined. It’s just as I imagined. The Wilbur theatre with the dripping asbestos and the crappy shit everywhere. It’s exactly the overpriced death trap I thought it would be. I’m so happy. Ha-ha. Ha-ha. This is a stinky-ass theatre. I love it! I feel comfortable. It’s like dirty pants.

I’m very happy to be back in Boston. You know what, when you say to people in Hollywood, “I’m gonna do the stand-up special in Boston,” they’re like, “are you crazy? You can’t do it in Boston. That place is full of surly drunks!” I’m like, “that’s my family you’re talking about.” “They’re all angry and Celtic and half in the bag.” I’m like, “yes, exactly.” I feel at home.

It’s the first time I’ve been back here since I’ve been a citizen. First time I’ve done stand-up. Yeah! Out here in Boston where it all began. I know. Isn’t that awesome? You know the thing that I think is so great? Like I became a citizen in January, right? By April of the same year, I’m hosting the White House correspondents’ dinner. I mean, that’s amazing, isn’t it? Like, me there and the president of the United States– me at the table, the president of the United States! Now, admittedly, it’s George W. Bush, but the president of the United States of America. And he was–I gotta be honest with you. I know– now that it’s all kinda gone, he was really nice to me and friendly, which makes things a little awkward. You know, ’cause I’m ready to say my thing and tell him a thing or two, and he’s like, “hey, buddy, how you doing? Want a soda?” I’m like, “yeah, okay, I guess I’ll have a soda.” And he knows. He’s very self-aware. He was like, “yeah,” you know, “people don’t like me anymore.” I’m like, “mm-hmm.” And it’s kinda awkward, you know, ’cause he’s the most unpopular president in the history of presidents, and that’s the one I get my photograph taken with. It’s kinda weird ’cause he’s kinda like, “come on, Craig, let’s have a photograph.” And I’m like, “no, you’re busy, sir. You got stuff to do. You gotta be there. I’m sure you’ve got legislation and…” ‘Cause that photograph, you know what’s gonna happen. I have a son. He’s seven-years-old. He’s gonna grow up. He’s gonna see a photograph of me and George W. Bush, and he’s gonna go, “dad? Dad, what is this? There’s a photograph of you and George W. Bush.” I’ll be like, “son, this was before the trial. “It was before the trial. We didn’t know… We didn’t know.”

He was funny. In a funny way. No, he’s all right. It was fine, just– you know, when I was talking at that thing– and I’ve been talking a lot recently about, you know, I love America, I love America, I love America and I do. F*ck it. I do. And, you know, it’s kinda like, you know, when people– like they become a catholic in later life, so they feel they have to be extra catholic to catch up on people who have just been catholic-ing along, you know. Like, “oh, yeah. It’s the fish and the Friday and the pope, “the holy father and the smoke and the Irish accent and the marching.” That’s like me with America. Everyone else is like, “hmm, I don’t know about the foreign policy.” I’m like– [hums presidential march] I don’t care.

As much as I love it, by the way, it’s nothing compared to people in the old country. They’re crazy for America. They love it. I thought I was buying a house in California. I wasn’t. I was buying a vacation destination for half of Scotland. I have people calling me up. I don’t think they’re family. I don’t even think they’re Scottish. They’re like, “yes, hello. It is your cousin, Pierre.”

You know what, as much as they love Scotland, by the way, the people in the old country, you know, the one who has it the worst is my mother. My mother loves America a little too much, frankly. She’s kinda like America’s stalker. She is. She’s got pictures of her and America photoshopped on her myspace page and everything. [High-pitched voice] this is me and America, uh-huh. We do it to annoy each other. She’s nuts for it.

I remember, when I first picked her up in Los Angeles, she came to the airport– the first time I was driving her around the town, and she’s like, “oh, son, this is amazing! I’ve never seen anything like it!” Apparently, my mother used to be on Monty Python for some reason this evening. Ooh, hi, son. Ooo-ha-ha, oop. She was like–I’m driving around the town, she’s like, “son, son, this is amazing. Is that the Empire State Building?” I’m like, “mom, this is Los Angeles. That’s an international house of pancakes.” “Whoo! International pancakes! “Oh, they think of everything in America. “In Scotland you only get Scottish pancakes. In America pancakes from all over the world.”

I don’t wanna give you the wrong impression about my mother, by the way– I love her. It’s none of that sub-freudian stand-up shit with me about my mother– I love my mom. But she is kind of a little bit what doctors are calling “clinically insane,” a little bit. Oh, it’s not really. She’s kinda like– you know what, she’s like an acid casualty who never took acid, just straight to casualty. No “summer of love” in the ’60s, no Vietnam, just–[babbles].

She’s–she’s–she’s not crazy. She just–she’s one of those people who– that says something and it sounds like it makes sense, and you go, “mm-hmm, yes, I see your point now, very…” And then a couple of seconds later, you’re like, “what the f–? No.” Like, you get a minute or two and go, “n–no.”

I tell you the first time I noticed it was– I was about five years old, and I was living with her at the time. I was between jobs. And–you hear me, college? So I was between jobs. I was living with my mom. It was kind of embarrassing. And what happened was, we had a fruit bowl in our house, and–’cause we were– we were wealthy for our neighborhood there was fruit in the fruit bowl. And my mother saw me eat two bananas in a row– one banana, then another banana. And she was like, “Craig, if you eat one more banana, you will turn into a banana.” I was five. It freaked the shit out of me! Plus, plus, she’d seen me eat two bananas. There were another two bananas she knew nothing about. [Mouthing words] I was walking around like a time bomb for years. “Oh, my god, here it comes. Oh no, it’s just gas, thank god.”

It sounds like it makes sense. Doesn’t make any sense at all. Here’s her favorite one. She loves to say this. “Craig, I cannot do eight things at once. I am not an octopus.” Oh, what does that mean? “Well, you know, I can’t make your breakfast “and clean the garage and answer the phone. I’m not an octopus.” An octopus can’t do that. An octopus can’t breathe above water!

Maybe I’m overthinking it, but it’s that kind of thing. She says regular mother things, regular, just, you know, common garden mother things. “Put that down! You could take someone’s eye out with that.” “Oh, it’s all fun until someone’s eye gets gouged out.” “Oh, look out for your eyes!” “We’re playing checkers.” “Yeah, but eyes get lost during checkers.” Mother’s obsessed with gouging out eyes. And she would say it about, you know, things in the house that you couldn’t take someone’s eye out with, even in an emergency. If–yes, there could be an emergency where someone’s eye had a bomb inside it, and the miniature people and the craft couldn’t get to in time, and you had to– yeah, it could happen.

I always imagined in the middle of a big scary eye operation, you know, with the big overhead lights and everyone very serious and jaw lines and Coldplay and, you know, grey’s anatomy. [Singing nonsense] in the middle of a big operation with all the drama and the tension and the–“scalpel.” “Scalpel.” “Forceps.” “Forceps.” “Eye-poppy-out thing.” “I’m sorry, doctor, we can’t find the eye-poppy-out-thing.” “Well, never mind. “Send Ron to Mrs. Ferguson’s house. “Get the snow globe from the kitchen table. “Apparently, you can take someone’s eye out with that. [Grunts] “come on! Come on! “Goddamn it! “Not on my watch! “Come on! I’m not ready to play god today! “Come on! Oh, look at that–Montreal. Come on!”

She then–though my mother, she did say the one thing that finally got me out of Scotland. She said, “get out of Scotland.” She didn’t. She didn’t say that. The police– the police said that. What happened was that, when I was being a– when I was a little boy and I was being naughty and making faces and kind of– kind of what I do for a living now. Take that, college grads. “Now, you went to Emerson to get into show business, didn’t you? “Did they teach you faces at Emerson? You’re gonna need that.” No, when I was making faces when I was a kid, she used to say, “Craig, if the wind changes, your face will stay like that.” I was like, “really? Hmm. “This could be my ticket out of this dump. I will hang around in places of uncertain wind direction… “Pretending to be Sean Connery. ‘Yes. Your plans for world domination are sadly mistaken.” And I’ll be away. I’ll be off.”

Sean Connery is a god– a god in Scotland. He’s a god everywhere, my goodness. What is he? Like 95-years-old, the sexiest man alive? Why the hell is that happening? Young women, 25, 35 years-old, “oh, Sean Connery’s so sexy.” He’s got a walker, for Christ’s sake. “That’s right, here comes daddy. “Oh-ho-ho, yeah. “Eh! Eh! “Oh-ho-ho. He-hee. I’m too sexy for my shirt.”

I love Sean Connery. You know, I love Sean Connery. You know why? Because he doesn’t mess around with acting. He doesn’t show off acting. He’s a movie star! When Sean Connery is in– plays an Irish cop in the Untouchables, he’s like, “yeah, that’s right. I’m an Irish cop, begorrah.” When he plays a Russian submarine commander in The Hunt for Red October, he’s like, “yes, that’s right. I’m a Russian submarine commander.” “You know it. I know it. “I’m Sean Connery. “You’re lucky I’m in this piece of shit. Now let’s get on with it.” It’s awesome.

I love him in every movie I’ve seen him in, I think he’s fantastic, and for me, he’s the only James Bond. They shouldn’t make other James Bond movies. That’s not right. You can make movies about British spies. They can call him Simon Bond or Nigel Bond, anything you want. But James Bond is Sean Connery, a big hairy man. “Argh! I’m a secret agent.”

Very hairy, Sean Connery. There’s a guy that had a couple of bananas when his mother wasn’t looking, I think. He’s very hairy, Sean Connery. In fact, I think one of the early bond movies, I think it was “dr. No”, he’s lying in his hotel bed in the Caribbean, and a giant hairy spider crawls across his chest. Might not even have been a spider. It might have been just a breeze in the hotel room. Made myself laugh. “Oh, for god’s sake, a tarantula! Oh, no. I just left the window open, that’s all right.” He’s very hairy, Sean Connery, and I think James Bond should be hairy. That new James Bond, I don’t like him at all. He’s been waxed. There’s not a hair on him. When he does that scene he walks out of the water, he’s like a gay dolphin when he walks out there. [Sings bond theme] “I’m undercover.”

I love Sean Connery. I love Sean in every single movie I’ve seen him in, even the movie Rising Sun. The movie Rising Sun is the movie in which Sean Connery speaks Japanese. It’s awesome. I learned it. He says this. And I quote, he says– [speaks Japanese]. And all the Japanese people are like, “what the f*ck? I got ‘something, something potato.’ What did you get?”

There’s only one movie I have a slight problem with Sean Connery in, and it’s the movie the Highlander, about the eternal Scottish warrior, and in this movie, Sean Connery plays a Spaniard. Doesn’t anybody think about this shit at all? Ever? And Sean tries his best. He tries to be Spanish in the movie. He’s like, “como estas, everybody? I enjoy taquitos.”

Can I just ask this a second? What is that thing when guys are trying to be tough that they feel their own balls? What the hell is that? They go, “you want a piece of me, huh?! Huh?” [Grunting] I don’t have to keep doing this. I’m just enjoying myself now. [Grunts] “What did you do at work today, daddy?” [Grunts] I’ve never understood what is so tough about touching your own balls. You think you’re tough, come here and touch my balls, pal, we’ll see how tough you are. You wanna touch my balls, you better be tough. Or gorgeous. Or both. I don’t give a shit. You can take the boy out of Europe, but you can’t take…

You know, I’ve noticed, actually, when I do do that, I have to reach lower and lower every night. What the hell is that? Soon it’ll just be, “oh, come on, fellas, let’s get out of here.” It’s awful. I know I’ve got white hair in my head, right? White hair. I can see it. I know it’s there. I’ve got this white hair coming in on my chest. You know what’s next. I don’t need to be distinguished down there. I don’t want a wise, old c0ck. I don’t want– I don’t want a wise, old c0ck. Oh, young c0cks coming from other parts of the country for advice? “Tell us, wise old c0ck, what was it like in your day?” “Well, in my day, I could reach right out “and touch my testicles. Now I don’t even know where they are.”

It’s horrible getting old. Sometimes when I, like, come out of the shower, and the bathroom is all steamy and I look in the mirror, I’m like, “oh, grandpa, do you have a message “from beyond the–oh, f*ck! What the–who the hell are you?”

What was I talking about? Oh, yeah, Sean Connery. Yeah. He plays the Spanish guy in the Highlander. And you know who plays the Scottish guy in the Highlander is Christopher Lambert, who is from Belgium. There’s actually a scene in that movie where the two of them are in a little row boat, and they’re gonna cross loch ness, which is what Scottish people do. They don’t have tivo. They’re gonna cross loch ness, and Sean Connery says to Christopher Lambert– this is in the movie– he says, “so, tell me about this homeland of yours, Scotland, “for I know nothing of it, being from Spain. “For example, what is this thing you people eat, this haggis? What is this haggis?” And Christopher Lambert says, “well, a haggis is a sort of tasty sausage, you know. “Is nice with chocolate, maybe, or a waffle. I don’t really know.”

But I think Sean Connery was the reason I came to America ’cause Sean Connery used to deliver milk when he was a kid, and I used to deliver milk when I was a kid. So hey, presto, I thought, “James f*cking Bond.” Apparently not.

That–and the reason why I fell in love with America is that I came here for the first time at a very impressionable age. I came here when I was 13-years-old. My father and I got a cheap flight over from Scotland to visit my uncle James and my aunt Susan, who had emigrated in the ’50s. They live in long island, in New York, and so we came out to see them. They came over on a tramp steamer, which has nothing to do with Paris Hilton. It’s just the way people used to go over from the old country. “Oh, Craig.” “I know.” “Well, that’s a cheap shot.” “It is a cheap shot, but she’s a cheap broad.” “You’re right.”

Anyway, so we came over to visit my uncle James and my aunt Susan. And when the plane landed at JFK, when I came out of that plane, the first time I saw America, it was like– [singing]. It was like an Enya album or something. I was like, “oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho.” It was like that bit in Star Trek when Kirk sees the alien he’s gonna have sex with. It was like, “oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho.” I couldn’t believe it. Just the whole visual experience, the colors, just the colors. The reds, the blues, the green. Where I come from, damp is a f*cking color! “Oh, those are nice pants. Do you have them in damp?” “Hmm, I like your car. I think I’d like one of those in damp.”

It was awesome. I loved it the minute I got here. And you know what really did it? You know what really kind of– I was like, “hah, wow”? The teeth. 10, 20, 30 Teeth. Per mouth, I’m talking, per mouth. People would, “hi, son, welcome to America. He-he-he-hey!” I was like, “what the hell is this? Is this a cartoon?” “Yeah! Hi-hi-hi-hi. He-he-he-he.” I was like, “hey!” And then the gum. I’d never had gum. Gum! They’re like, “here, try some gum.” “Gum?” “Yeah, gum, you know, you chew it. When the flavor goes away, just spit it out.” When the flavor goes away in Scottish food, that means it’s ready. Yeah. He-he-hey.

And the money in this country, my god. You had these giant buildings that you put up with long, thin shiny floors with pins at one end. You’d roll a ball, knock over the pins. For no f*cking reason that anybody can think of. I’m like, “why are we doing this?” Like, “we don’t even know! He-he-hey! Strike! It passes the time between dental visits, I guess.”

I was like, I just– I loved it, man, the minute I got here. And I think, you know, during that vacation, what happened was I had a light bulb moment– Oprah. I would never say anything against Oprah, by the way. Never, ever. I’m in show business. [Imitates heartbeat] Oh, no, no, please. No, I love Oprah.

But anyway, what happened was– we’ll get back to it later. All right, so what happened was that during that vacation, what happened is I went to my first ever rock concert. I went with my teenage cousins, regular Americans who were born here, a little older than me. Actually, they took me to their high school for one day. I went to Smithtown high school in Long Island for one day. They had show-and-tell, and I was show-and-tell. “Could you do something Scottish?” “I’m cautious with money.” “There you are, kids. We all learned something.” So what happened was that I went to my first ever rock concert with my teenage cousins. And I just loved it. We went in a car, which we hadn’t stolen. Teenagers in a car, which we had not stolen. I underlined that for you. It might mean nothing to you toothy bastards, but to me– we went to see a band called Blue Oyster Cult. Oh, man. And I was amazed. I was amazed in this country of America, where there was so much money and wealth, and you spit the food out when the flavor has gone away, and all that stuff. Yet four teenagers at a rock concert all have to share the same cigarette? So I was watching the band, and the band, they’re giving it,

♪ Don’t fear the reaper, Romeo and Juliet ♪
♪ You can kill yourself and it’s all cool ♪
♪ And then I’m looking down the line at my cousin, Karen ♪
♪ And she’s smoking a doobie in that funny way ♪
♪ That teenagers do so that everybody knows ♪
♪ They’re smoking a doobie ♪
♪ And then it’s coming down the line and it’s coming to me ♪
♪ And I’m a teenager ♪
♪ And I watch what they’re doing ♪
♪ And I want to fit in, so I do what they’re doing ♪
♪ And i– ♪
“that rock-and-roll makes you hungry, doesn’t it? “We should get raisin bran.” “Count chocula?” “Rookie.” “Raisin bran.” And that was it. That was the moment for me. I thought, “oh, yes. This is my light bulb moment.” I thought, “from this moment on I will dedicate my life “to drugs and rock-and-roll. What can possibly go wrong?” ‘Cause it works so well for everyone else who does that.

Anyway, the vacation ended, and I had to go back to Scotland, but I didn’t wanna go back. It was like, “please, please, can I stay? There’s still some flavor left in my gum.” They’re like, “no, no, go work up the chimneys, you little bastard. Go on, get the hell out of here.” I’m like, “please, no, no.” “No, get out of here! Give us our cigarette back.” I didn’t wanna go back. I was like, “I don’t wanna go to that f*cking country, “one tooth every three f*cking miles. I wanna stay in America.” And I swore to myself, a blood oath. I thought, “the second I can, I’m going back. “I’m gonna live in America. I’m gonna live in America. “I’m gonna work hard day and night. “I’m gonna take five jobs. I’m gonna get money. And I’m gonna go to America.”

And then what happened is I noticed in my local newspaper that there was an ad for a band that were coming to play in Glasgow, a band that I really loved at that time, a band called Deep Purple. Do you remember deep purple? Oh, man, I loved that! You know with that– [sings guitar riff] I loved that. So I got a ticket for the show. This is when you bought the ticket three months ahead of the concert. You put it up on your bedroom wall, your buddies came over, you played the album, you’re like– [sings guitar riff] “they’re coming.” And then I thought, “wait, I can’t go to a rock concert without drugs. It won’t be the same.” And it’s not.

Now this was Scotland in the 1970s. You couldn’t get drugs– or at least I couldn’t. But I did know a guy. And this is true. You can’t make this shit up. I did know a guy whose older brother worked in a hospital, and he had access to chloroform, which, he assured me, was a drug. I’m like, “all right.” So I did a deal with the guy, got a little bottle of chloroform. Didn’t touch it. I did not touch it. I put it in the bedside cabinet. My buddies come over, I played the album. I’m like, ♪ drugs, drugs, drugs ♪ ♪ take it, take it, take it, oh, yeah ♪ [sings guitar riff] for months. Eventually the big day arrives. I take the bus into the concert hall. I’ve got the drugs in the front pocket. Ticket in the back pocket. [Sings guitar riff] I get to the show. The opening act are on. I join in with the rest of the kids. “You suck! You suck! Ha-ha-ha. You suck!” They didn’t expect us to do this. Eventually the big moment arrives. The guy goes, “ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Deep Purple.” They go– [sings guitar riff] I take out the chloroform, take a hit, black out.

Chloroform doesn’t even get you high. You don’t even go– [laughs] and then black out. You’re just there, and then you’re not there. I suppose that is why it never really took off as a street drug. It’s very difficult to sell. “Hey, buddy, check it out.” “What do you got?” “Chloroform. You wanna try it?” “Yeah, sure.” “Ah, shit.” It’s probably why there’s no chloroform anonymous meetings. What the hell would you talk about? “I fell asleep.” “So did I. And when I woke up, nothing had happened.” “Exactly.”

I’m not kidding. I woke up to Ritchie Blackmore saying, “thank you very much. Good night.” I missed the whole concert. Let that be a lesson to you kids: just say no to chloroform. If a pusher offers it to you. That’s right.

So I managed to wean myself off chloroform a day at a time. Got on to the softer drugs– cocaine, alcohol. Took a bit of heroin. I didn’t get much into heroin. I took a little bit, but heroin had a very odd effect on me. It made me hungry. That doesn’t normally happen with heroin. And it really pisses off the junkies because I’d be like taking the heroin, and I was like, “oh, man, I’m hungry. Let’s order pizza.” They’re like, “you can’t order pizza. We’re on heroin!” And I’m like, “oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t know there were rules!” It’s like wearing white after labor day if you’re a junkie. Pizza on heroin? [Gasps] The shame!

So it was pretty much alcohol and cocaine for me. I liked cocaine because it was a wonder drug that allowed you to drink more alcohol. Oh, some people that did cocaine and didn’t do alcohol, I’m like, “what kind of a freak are you?” Maybe that’s just me. Anyway, 20 years after the Deep Purple concert, I was in rehab. And that’s kinda how the story goes for me– really, a little bit. You know. I mean, stuff happened in between of course, you know. Alleged marriages… Crimes committed by a person or persons unknown.

By the way, if you’ve never been to rehab, check your HMO. No, if you can, get along there. It’s hilarious. I loved it. I thought it was fantastic. I mean, you see people on dr. Phil like, “oh, rehab is so challenging for me, dr. Phil.” I’m like, “you’re an arse. It is not.” It’s fantastic! It’s fun. I loved it, especially the one I went to ’cause, you know, I’m an alcoholic. But they took everybody at this rehab. They took alcoholics. They took junkies, loads of junkies. They took overeaters, undereaters, gambling addicts, sex addicts. They are sensational, by the way. Get yourself a sex addict. These people cannot do enough for you. “I just wanna have sex all the time.” “Me too.”

But I liked–there were a lot of junkies I was in with, and I liked being with the junkies. I enjoy a junkie. I think junkies are excellent fun to be around. They’re great people because–especially in rehab, because the junkies, god bless them, when they’re trying to get sober and clean, their self-esteem is so low, so low that they think an alcoholic is a step up. They’re impressed. They’re like, “alcoholic?” I’m like, “yes. Yes, in fact I am.” That smell of pee-pee that says “sophistication.” Really, you can lord it over them. It’s awesome. It’s like, “oh, you’re a junkie, are you? “I’m an alcoholic. Could you wash my car? “I have to go over here and do something alcoholic. “You wouldn’t understand. “There’s lots of equations and math, “and I have to use a pen. There’s a flow chart. It’s very complicated.”

You can always tell when you’re getting better in rehab as well because you start being able to beat the junkies at jenga. “Your move, shaky.” “You’re like a god, man.” “No, just an alcoholic, thank you.” It’s awesome. Do you remember–do you remember–do you remember Oprah had that junkie on her show? What’s his name? James Frey. The guy that wrote A Million Little Pieces, the memoirs of a junkie. And it turns out, it was all pack of lies. It was a million little pieces of shit. And Oprah was horrified. No, America was horrified because a junkie had lied. Because if we can’t trust the junkies, then… Have you ever met a junkie? Lying is what they do. Drugs are a side effect. Talk to any junkie. “Are you smoking crack?” “Nope. “It’s a honey spirit. “Oh, that ain’t mine. That’s my sister’s hand. “She’s got a crack problem. It’s very embarrassing.”

It was explained to me in rehab, the difference between an alcoholic and a junkie was this. An alcoholic will steal your purse to buy alcohol and then be consumed with guilt and remorse and drink themselves to death over it. A junkie will steal your purse and then help you look for it. Beautiful, beautiful. They are so much fun. I like them.

Anyways, so I was in rehab, and I thought, you know, I had sobered up, and I did what I had to do. And I thought, there was something I was gonna do. What was it? I was gonna go live in America. I completely forgot. 20 Years of– [violent babbling]

So that was the ’80s, and then– so what happened was, I get sober. I wanted to go to America, so I had to clean up my act. I had to pay some people back some money. I had to avoid some other people for a while–a long while. And then about– it was January 1995, I thought, “I’m sober now. I’ve got my life together. “I’m gonna go to Hollywood. “I’m gonna get into show business. “I am. I’m gonna go to America. “One day I’m gonna appear at the Wilbur theatre in Boston. I’m doing it.” So January 1995, I came to America. You know, I was very excited because the movie Braveheart had just come out. And I thought, “well, they’ll need Scottish people in America for the sequel.” I probably should have stayed till the end of the movie, when I think back now.

But I got to–I got to Los Angeles January 25, 1995, and I had nothing when I got to this country. I spent my money on the ticket and that was it. I got there and–nothing. I had two suitcases when I left that airport. They weren’t even mine. I stole them. My first six weeks in this country, I wore a kimono. The wrong way, apparently. But that’s a tale for another night.

No, it was terrifying. I was really– I had no support system, I had no money, I had nothing, you know, no job, no friends. I had a bank account. And in my bank account I had 27 cents. I don’t know if you’ve ever had 27 cents in your bank account, but you cannot get it out. Just when you really need it, you can’t f*cking have it. It doesn’t matter what you make up and what story you come up with. You go to the bank, “well, I have an investment opportunity. It’s a little high-risk. I don’t wanna go in too deep. Maybe 25–oh, what the hell, 27 cents. We’ll see how it rolls.”

It was terrifying. I had nothing. Eventually, though, I got this manager guy, this guy called Rick in Hollywood. He was called Rick. And he said, “don’t worry. I’ll get you a job.” And he did kind of in a way. He got me a script to audition for a pilot tv show. You know a pilot tv show? It’s a show they make in the spring for a series they’re gonna cancel in the fall. It’s kind of the tryout show. It’s a tradition in television. They do it every year. And so he got me a script for a pilot they were doing of a show called Suddenly Susan with Brooke Shields. Do you remember that show? Yeah. You remember I wasn’t on it. I’ve got feelings. Well, here’s what happened. I get this script for this pilot. And they mark on the script the part they want you to audition for, the part of the actor, you know, they use a highlighter pen. And the part they wanted me to audition for, I’m not kidding, was the part of the Hispanic photographer. I said to Rick, “are you shitting me? “I’m the least Hispanic person in America. There are Osmonds that are more Hispanic than me.” He was like, “no one gives a shit. “You’re foreign. Didn’t you see the Highlander? Just go, nobody cares.” And I didn’t have a job, so what was I gonna do? I tried. I tried to get to look a little more Latino. I grew a little beardy thing. It didn’t look good. It looked like I’d been eating chocolate ice cream or my teeth were metal and there were iron filings around or something. And then I tried to do a Latino accent, and that was–oh, man. I went to the audition, and there were a bunch of guys outside who all looked like Antonio Banderas. And I said, “como estas, everybody?” And then they all said stuff. I was like, “oh, yeah.” I don’t know.

And then it comes my turn to go in for the audition, and–and the Hollywood audition, it’s a very– there’s a set of manners that go with it. It’s a very kind of passive- aggressive situation. The producers pretend that they’re too busy to look at you. So what they do is they are busily doing something, you know, with paper and stuff, and you go in, and they say “okay, actor boy, start your acting.” And then I started doing my Latino accent, and they were like… “No, you gotta come in here. “Trust me. Yeah, it’s f*cking ‘Ripley’s believe it or not.’ Come on. Come on.” And people are coming in, lots of people, all the Antonio Banderas guys, the security guards, people that don’t work there anymore. They’re all–and they were laughing and laughing and laughing. At the end of it, the producer said, “well, that was hilarious, but not really in the way we’re looking for, so thanks.” I was like– and as I was leaving, this guy called Tony Sepulveda, who was head of Warner Brothers casting– and Warner Brothers make all these different shows– he said, “that’s the worst Latino accent I’ve ever heard.” I went, “mm-hmm.” He said–“but,” he said, “we are doing a show with a fat guy from Cleveland. Can you do an English accent?” I know. That’s true. That’s true. He said, “can you do an English accent?” I said, “si, senor. Yes I can.”

And that’s how I spent the next eight years of my life on The Drew Carey Show. I was like, “oh, Carey, you’re fired. “Mimi, you’re lovely. [Singing] “oh, I’m English, I’m English. “I wear ladies’ underwear. “I’m sexually not threatening to American men. “I don’t really scare anybody at all. I’m so English.”

By the way, if you are English or even if you just know some English people, they will tell you that is the worst English accent that has ever been on television. But in my defense, I see it as revenge for Star Trek, so f*ck you, okay? I’m sorry. Scotty in Star Trek was the only one we couldn’t understand back in the old country. I didn’t know he was meant to be Scottish. I thought he was a Pakistani guy that had a stroke. “It’s gonna take a lot of physics” what? What did he say? “We’re out of dilithium crystals.” “Oh, Jim, she canna handle it.” What? “Warp factor 12.” Oh, that man, isn’t he brave?

Anyway, so I got this job on The Drew Carey Show, and it was awesome. And Drew Carey, what a lovely man he is. I know you probably think that Drew Carey is just a fat guy that likes fried food and strippers. And you’re right, he is. He’s awesome. What you see is what you get. [Sirens wail] anyway, they were fantastic to me, these people. Drew–f*ck, the cops. Go. Oh, it’s all right. I still got it! Still got it! Ho! Do you know the first year I was sober, I carried around a gram of coke just in case? Isn’t that crazy? Yeah, thanks.

Anyway, I got this job on The Drew Carey Show, and I made all these friends. They were so nice to me, these people. It was really lovely. You know. They–I made some friends, and I made a little money, and I bought a car, and I met a girl, and we fell in love, and we got married, and we got divorced. It’s the American Dream! I pay my alimony in the U.S. of A., Mister, every month. Take that, Al-Qaeda.

My ex-wife is a lovely woman. I do have to say that. For legal reasons. No, she’s all right. I like her. She’s fine. She’s a good person. I’m not gonna bad-mouth her. She’s the mother of my kid. She’s a nice person. I like her. I don’t like her as much as I used to. I think that’s fair to say. But she’s nice. She’s a good person is what I’m saying. And the marriage didn’t work out. It wasn’t her fault. It was all my fault. There, you may as well know it. It wasn’t all my fault. She’s crazy. Anyway… She’s all right. She a good person. But the marriage didn’t work out, but the wedding was awesome.

The wedding was great. It’s what I like to think of as a very American wedding. It was two old cultures coming together in the new world, ’cause she’s a Jewish girl from New York, and I’m not, so what we had is this– “what? I’d like my money back.” No, I– so what we had was a Jewish-Scottish wedding in L.A. It was awesome. We had kilts and yarmulkes. I’m not kidding. It was great. We had the big, giant be-heck-heck thing. Everyone had big plates of blech to eat. I did that thing where I smashed the glass, and the Scottish side of the family are like, “why did you smash that glass? “That was a perfectly good glass. “That’s $3.48 for a glass like that. “Now fair enough if you’re drunk, “you smash it, you stab someone, these things happen. “But to soberly smash a glass? You’ve changed, Hollywood.”

Then there were big fights between the Jewish family and the Scottish family about who gets to pay for the wedding. That’s the funniest f*cking thing I’ve ever said.

Anyway, it was a great day is what I’m saying. The wedding was awesome. The only thing that didn’t really work out is the Jewish tradition of dancing around with the bride and groom on your shoulders clashes with the Scottish tradition of no underwear under the kilt. No, no. It was particularly embarrassing for me because I have got a huge c0ck. Hey, no, that’s not a joke. It’s a medical condition. You can’t tell in these pants, so just don’t even try. I can feel your eyes boring into me. There’s a secret compartment. I had them made in Vegas. I could have a white tiger down here and you wouldn’t even know. And in a way I do. No, I’m only kidding. I’ve got a regular-sized c0ck. If I was 25-foot tall, it would be a regular-sized c0ck.

You think I’m kidding, don’t you? All right, listen, how many other Scottish people do you know that are this upbeat?

You’ve kind of changed your tune a little bit. That’s interesting. I was watching you. You were kinda like–“hmm, I’m not so sure I like this. “He cusses a little too much. “I don’t like the cheeky monkey thing and all that. “Oh, c0ck? “C0ck. Finally, something for me.”

I wouldn’t wish it on you, actually. It’s a curse. It costs a fortune to feed the damn thing. It is a curse. It takes so much blood. Every time I get an erection, I faint. Not only do I faint– not only do I faint, so does everyone else in the room. [As a female] “Oh, my goodness.” [As a male] “Oh, my goodness.” [Baas] all right, all right. That’s enough c0ck.

(Woman) No!

Yeah. Yeah. It’s not a phrase you hear often, I guess, is it? “Well, that’s enough c0ck. What’d you wanna do now?” “More c0ck?” “Sure.” That’s enough c0ck. As if.

No, anyway, so I got married to this lovely girl, and we went to Hawaii on our honeymoon, just the two of us. Well, three of us–me, her, my giant c0ck. Off we went to Hawaii. It’s very difficult to travel with a giant c0ck, actually, because you either have to store it underneath the seat in front of you or in the overhead locker. And you have to be careful when you land because it may have moved during the flight and it could fall and injure a fellow passenger. “Oh, what the hell is this? “Oh, can’t you put some wheels on this thing? What the hell?” “Would you like me to hang that up for you?” “Yes, please, could you?” Oh, you laugh, but it’s terrible.

Anyway, we went to Hawaii on our honeymoon, which was great. I loved Hawaii. I loved the Hawaiian people. I felt a great affinity with them. I like them. Because they have this island paradise with, you know, fresh lobster coming out of the sea and pineapple growing everywhere, coconuts on the palm trees, and all they wanna do is eat fried spam. These are my people. I belong amongst them.

And we stayed in a very, very swanky hotel ’cause it was our honeymoon. And I don’t like a very swanky hotel. I always feel very uncomfortable in a super posh hotel. I always think they’re gonna find me out. I’m not from a wealthy background. I always think someone is gonna say, “can you go over there and just clean those glasses and tidy up that table?” “Sure, yeah, of course. Oh, thank goodness. Gives me something to do.” I just like a regular hotel. Clean towels, you know, let’s get me in. That’s fine. I don’t– a Best Western, an Embassy suites, a Hilton, a Rah-mada– a Ramada, a Ramada. A Ramada! Oh, f*ck it. No, a Rah-mada. No, I meant a Rah-mada. Oh, you don’t know about the Rah-madas? Oh, I’m sorry. Don’t they have one in Boston? Oh, I didn’t know you don’t even have a Rah-mada hotel here yet! Oh! Oh-ho-ho. The Rah-mada hotel. Listen, you can say what you like about Al-Qaeda. They make a lovely breakfast. “Welcome to the Rah-mada. “Try the jihad omelet. “Oh, this? No, no, no. I bumped my head. I’m from Kentucky.”

What I mean is I just like a regular hotel, just an ordinary hotel. Nothing fancy, and especially not that new type of thing that they’re doing now, these Ian Schrager-y– what do you call them? Boutique hotels. You know, when it’s sort of a boutique, it’s sort of a night club, and it’s sort of a hotel. Like people go in and actually hanging out in a hotel. I’m like, “why are you hanging out in a hotel? “Hotels are for hookers and porn. They’re not for people to just hang around in the lobby.” Maybe that’s just me, but I– but I don’t like staying in these super swanky hotels. They’re all like night clubs and everything’s purple, and everyone’s cool and good-looking, very good-looking. The people that work there are so good-looking, they can’t help you. They’re too good-looking to help you. “But I’m a guest in the hotel.” “Yes, but.”

Do you know what they’re like, they’re like the people that work in the trendy clothing stores, when you say, “I’d like to try on these pants,” and like, “oh, I don’t know if we got those in fat-ass. “Do we got those in fat-ass? “No. “Can you go outside? You’re making me sad.”

I tell you the first time I noticed this, I was staying in a hotel, the first time I stayed in one of these swanky boutique hotels. I was standing– I would stand there– I was working during the day for– I can’t remember what it was, but then at night I was in the hotel. It’s about 9:00 at night, and I had nothing to do. I was stuck there. I didn’t know anyone in town. I had nothing to do and I thought, “what will I do? Maybe I’ll go to the lobby. “Um, no, I can’t. I’m too old. “I’m too fat. I’ll be judged. “I can’t go to the lobby. “I can feel all that shit in my room anyway. I don’t need an elevator ride.” And then I thought, “uh, here I am, a man alone in a hotel room “with nothing to do. “How will I wile away the hours till the morning comes creeping?” I thought, “shall I watch the pornography? Shall I?” And actually, I thought, “no, I’m not gonna. It’s too bleak.” No, I was– I don’t have porno at home. I’m raising a kid. I don’t do it. But-but I–in a hotel, I thought, “well I’m kind of on vacation, maybe I’ll look at the porn.” And then I thought, “well, no.”

You see, I’ve kind of gone off hotel porn since they got rid of the free preview period. You remember it? You remember it. You remember it, right? Yes. It’s true. They used to give you 30 seconds of free porn, right? You remember that? It was awesome. In case you didn’t know what porn was or to make sure it was porny enough for you, I guess. 30 Seconds of free porn, and you can get a lot done in 30 seconds. Ah, the frugal orgasm. If you’re a Scotsman, there is nothing finer.

So I thought, “can I watch the porn? Can I? Oh, god. That’s a bit grisly and bleak. All right.” Well. I thought I’ll put on the menu because the menu for the porn sometimes makes me laugh. You know when they take the name of a regular movie and turn it into a porn movie like Shaving Ryan’s Privates or something like that. That’s a real one. That is a real one, Shaving Ryan’s Privates. It’s actually it’s a bit grisly for the first 15 minutes, and then it actually gets really good. If you can sit through it. There was one that I heard about once called– on a hotel menu, it was Pump Friction. And John Travolta was in it. No, he wasn’t, no. He wasn’t in it.

Anyway, I thought, “will I watch the porn? Will I?” I looked at the menu so I–no, I turned on the menu for the porn. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this before. A very trendy hotel in the middle of San Francisco– a huge gay community in San Francisco, of course, gay porn on the hotel. That’s exactly the noise I made in my room. That’s exactly what I did. And I thought exactly what you thought. I went, “where the hell is this going? “Things were okay until now. Gay porn?” And I thought– I saw it and I thought, “I find myself on the horns of a dilemma.” On the one hand–not gay. On the other hand–European. Maybe I should see this in the interest of international understanding.

Now I don’t know why I didn’t think of this before but– and let me just say I have friends, good friends, gay men I’ve known for a long time. One guy, I’ve known this guy 30 years. He’s a good man. I respect him. I trust him completely with anything in my life, but I had no idea that’s what was going on. I thought it was just assless chaps in a parade. I thought it was something to do with interior design and being cool. I’ve turned this thing on, and I’m like, “hey! “That is not on Will and Grace! “Stop that, you’re hurting him! And he’s a fireman!”

You know, when you leave a hotel room early in the morning, you’ve got an early flight and maybe questioning your life choices and your sexuality, and you’re thinking, “oh, god.” And everybody’s left the remains of their room service orders outside, little trays with little cakes on them and little bits of dessert and fries, there’s always a fry. I always eat that fry. It’s a kind of an OCD thing for me. It’s something I do to make it a good day for me. And you know, I just eat the fry. It’s like touching a midget for luck. It’s just something I do. It’s embarrassing sometimes ’cause, you know, the maid is in the hallway maybe and you have to pretend you’re tying your shoelace. “And buenas dias to you.”

I was– I was telling people that I do that. I was telling a friend of mine that I eat the fries, as kind of an OCD thing. He’s like, “you’re crazy. “That’s not ‘oh-ho-ho-hee-hee-hee’ crazy. That’s crazy.” And I’m thinking, “you know what? “May-maybe I am crazy. “Maybe I’m going crazy. Like proper crazy ’cause I’ve lived in Hollywood nearly 14 years.” And what happens if you live in Hollywood and you get any success– I’ve only got a tiny little bit of success. What happens is that people start to form around you. You know, managers, agents, publicists, lifestyle gurus, pilates instructors, your own personal f*cking barista, everything, just–people start to form around you and what these people do is they create problems that do not exist, and then they solve them for you, and you pay them for that. And that’s crazy. Problems that do not exist and then they solve them for you, and you pay them. Problems that don’t exist.

It’s like– you know what it’s like? It’s like those infomercials that are on the same time as my show on tv. You know what I’m talking about. The black and white footage of an actor, picking up a phone and pretending it’s hard to use a telephone and the voiceover’s going, “do you have difficulty using today’s modern telephones with their phoniness?” And the guy’s going, “yes! “It’s so difficult to use a phone! “It flies out of my hand. “It hits me in the c0ck. “It runs off. It never phones me. “It runs around the house killing the pets. I don’t know what to do.” “What you need is the phone glove.” “The phone glove, you say?” “Yes, the phone glove. What you do–you put it on. “The phone fits snugly inside. “Everyone will think you’re great, and everyone will want to f*ck you!” “Hi, Stacey. You wanna come over? Thanks, phone glove.”

Problems that do not exist and then solve them for you, and it’s crazy. And what happens in Hollywood is the more success you get, the crazier you get. Then you get more success and more crazy, and more success and more crazy until you reach the apex of success and crazy, shining like a beacon of lunacy throughout the world– Tom Cruise. [Moans] [laughs hysterically] I’m sorry, that is 12 foot of crazy in a 4-foot man. I met him once. I touched him for luck. He chased me, like, three blocks. [Laughs] [imitates flute] “You shall not cross the bridge until you answer my questions three.”

What the hell happened to Tom? I loved tom. I love Tom Cruise. I think he’s awesome in the movie with the sliding and the “you can’t handle the truth.” And upside down in the plane and he flies it, and he’s great in that movie, and everybody else is a jerk, and they don’t understand him and he solves problems and saves the earth. I love Tom, but he’s gone crazy. When I saw–not when he was jumping on Oprah’s couch, which is crazy enough– when he was doing that interview with Matt Lauer. Do you remember that? I’ve always liked Matt Lauer. I do. I think he’s America’s perky sweetheart, much more than Katie Couric. “Although now that Katie’s on CBS, “she’s a great professional. “We admire each other. Gee, I love to play pranks on her. We go to the Hamptons all the time.” Bah! F*cking ridiculous industry.

Anyway, what happens was that Matt Lauer is interviewing Tom Cruise, and they’re talking about tom’s movie that had just come out, you know, and in the movie, tom’s great, everyone’s a jerk, Tom saves the world. And-and then, for some reason, the conversation got onto Brooke Shields, who, you will remember I did not work with. And Brooke Shields at that time had a book out. Because what happened was after the birth of her second child, Brooke had suffered from postpartum depression, and in order to get through it, she’d taken antidepressant drugs, and that really helped her through a very difficult period in her life, and in order to help other people– and to make a couple of bucks for herself– she’d written a book about it. And Tom was furious. He was like– [laughs hysterically] “the plane! The plane!” He was like, “Matt, Matt, Brooke shouldn’t take antidepressant drugs for postpartum depression.” And I’m thinking, “Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom! “You’re a man talking about postpartum depression! Shh! Shh!”

If you’re a man and the mother of your child is suffering from postpartum depression, here’s how you treat it: do what she says. Get the f*ck out of the house. But Tom was like, “no, no, Matt.” And it went on. It went on to all sorts of depression. It was crazy, just depression they were talking about. And Tom was saying, “people should not take “antidepressant drugs for depression. They’re just masking the symptoms of depression.” And I’m thinking, “yes?” They mask the symptoms. The symptoms of depression is depression. It’s not a symptom of something else. It’s not like you go, “oh, I feel really sad,” then your ass falls off. The symptoms of depression is depression. “Oh, I feel so sad.” Clunk. “Oh, no! That’s even worse.” The symptoms of depression is depression. You take away the symptoms of depression, you don’t f*cking have it!

But Tom– Tom is like–Tom was furious. He’s like, “no, Matt.” He’s like, “no, Matt, these drugs, they’re just a crutch, they are just a crutch.” And I’m thinking, “yes?” They’re a crutch. You don’t walk up to a guy with one leg and say, “hey pal, that crutch, it’s just a crutch! “Throw it away! Hop, you bastard! “That crutch– that crutch is masking the symptoms of your one-leggedness.”

I have an idea. I’m a citizen now. I would like an amendment to the constitution. Actors, shut the f*ck up about things you know nothing about! Does it seem so wrong? I mean, my god, I understand– I understand there’s corruption in medicine. There’s corruption in all– all areas of human endeavor. You put people and money together, you’re always gonna get a little bit of jiggery-pokery. But in 97%, let’s say, of these cases, these drugs are prescribed by doctors. Doctors. Not actors, doctors. Sounds the same, little bit different. Doctors go to college. Actors go to rehab.

But think about this. You’ve come to the show tonight. Perhaps during the day, you felt a lump somewhere on your body. A little lump, you don’t know what it is. You think, “oh shit, what the hell is this?” You want me to look at it for you? Because seriously, I will look at it for you if you want. I think you’ll be fine. But we should probably check.

No, I don’t know. I think Tom probably was crazy when he was jumping on Oprah’s couch. You should not jump on Oprah’s couch. Oprah is powerful. Perhaps the world’s last superpower. I’m not kidding. Think on this–you’re worried about Russia and China, Iran getting nuclear weapons, don’t worry about that. Think, if Oprah wanted weapons-grade uranium, and she went to the U.N., they’d be like, “you go, girl, of course. There you go, Oprah, uranium-235.” In fact, she wouldn’t have to go there. They’d go to her to be on the show. They’re like, “there you go, Oprah. Uranium-235. “In fact, Oprah, we have uranium-235 for everyone in the audience.”

You know, I’ll be honest, I actually admire Oprah Winfrey. I don’t always agree with her, but I admire her. Because she has immense wealth and immense power, and she’s trying to do something good for the world, and I can’t have anything but respect for that. And I became fascinated with her show. The first time I saw it, when I just moved to America, it was on at 3:00 in the afternoon in L.A., and, you know, I didn’t have a job, so I was watching it. And the first one I saw, I was transfixed. Because the subject was woman that have had too much plastic surgery. And I was like, “oh.” Because plastic surgery is an epidemic in Los Angeles. Not so much in Boston that I’ve seen, but in Los Angeles– [mixed reaction] let me finish, please. That’s a good thing. That’s good. Be who you are. You can– it’s all different and diverse. In L.A. everybody looks the same. Everybody looks like they’re traveling 140 miles in a f*cking motorcycle. [Imitates motorcycle] You can’t tell what anybody’s thinking. “That is hilarious. I am so angry at you right now.”

Anyway, I was watching this Oprah with the– you know what they had on? They had on that woman that had so much plastic surgery, she turned into a cat. If you have so much plastic surgery that you had changed species, maybe that’s too much plastic surgery. And the woman was on, she was defending herself. She was like, “it’s a lifestyle choice, Oprah.”

But this doctor was on, and the doctor was saying that women can stand the pain of plastic surgery better than men just ’cause they’re genetically predisposed to deal with pain because of childbirth. You know, what it is with me, it’s–it’s the breasts. Surprised, I know, but it is, it’s the breasts. No listen, I swear. I try to be, you know, a post-feminist man. I respect women. I do not ogle women, unless I am invited to ogle in some meaningful way. I don’t, you know– I do not disrespect women. But when I see a woman with breasts three times the size of her own head… There’s nothing I can do about that. I am not involved! It goes straight to the reptile brain. I’m just like… “Blah-ah!” “They’re not real.” “I don’t care. Must do motorboat.” [Blubbering]

Oh, come on, everybody loves the motorboat. It’s the only thing that men and women agree on. “You probably shouldn’t be able to do it to your husband, but what the hell? Enjoy yourself, I say.

Anyway, this doctor on Oprah was saying that women can stand this pain, which is true. I remember–I remember before my own son was born, his mother and I–it was a very fun time for us in the marriage. We went to these breathing classes. Not regular Lamaze classes. It was L.A., very L.A. Lamaze classes, very kumbaya. Lots of, you know,

♪ baby, it’s coming, oh ♪
♪ new life arriving, namaste ♪

they’re burning sage and a gong and everything. Getting everybody to do yoga. Which is cruel–some of these women were nine months pregnant. You get a girl that far along to do downward-facing dog, she’s gonna fart and be embarrassed, and it’s not right. “Baby”– [farting sound] “I am so sorry.” “Don’t worry, it’s nature. Namaste. Put a little more burning sage on the burning sage there.”

But at the birthing classes, in order so that, you know, first-time parents won’t be freaked out– and it’s all first-time parents at a birthing class, by the way. Anybody who’s already got kids is like, “yeah, fine. I’ll see you in the E.R., all right?” If you’re a woman here tonight, you’re expecting your first baby, you’re spending a lot of money on these breathing classes, knock it off, save your cash. Get some shoes or something. Because when I was in– I was in the delivery room, I was the only one going,

♪ ahh-ah-ah-ah-ah ♪

I felt such a fool.

♪ Ahh-ah-ah-ah-ah ♪

the doctor’s like, “what the hell are you doing?” “I’m helping, doctor.”

♪ Ahh-ah-ah-ah-ah ♪

my son still has a morbid fear of Enya.

♪ Ahh-ah-ah-ah ♪

you know, if you are a first time mother and you– you’re telling yourself that lie about you’re not gonna have your baby with drugs and you’re gonna have your baby in a bucket of mud– no, you’re not. You’re gonna have drugs. You’re gonna want them. And they’re gonna be sensational. And you’ll enjoy it so much you’ll want to have another baby right away. So don’t worry.

But in order so that first-time parents won’t be freaked out, what they do is they show videos of actual births. Sir, are you all right? Do you have any Purell? Isn’t that kinda weird when people put Purell on after they shake hands with you? I’m like, “f*ck you.” “F*ck you, doctor.”

Anyway, they show videos of actual births, which freaks everybody out, of course, ’cause all of these births on these videos, they were shot in the 1970s. This is before the ladies started trimming downstairs. I was like, “wha-wha-what is this? What?” I had never seen one in its natural state. I was like, “what the hell is this? “Is that a cat? “Cat-cat, pussy-pussy cat-pussycat-pussycat. I got it. I got it. I got it.”

And when the baby’s born, it’s not like a birth, it’s like a midget walking out of a forest. “Too-toot-to-toot-too-too.”

And with that beautiful and uplifting image of new life, it’s time for me to bid you good night. Not very convincing, but thank you. Don’t “ah” me, you bastards. I’ve had a wonderful time here. And I want you to know this. What they said about you in Hollywood… F*ck these people.

Good night, everyone.

[Cheers and applause]


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