Chris Rock Total Blackout: The Tamborine Extended Cut – Transcript

In this extended cut of his 2018 special, Chris Rock takes the stage for a special filled with searing observations on fatherhood, infidelity and politics.
Share on facebook
Share on twitter
Share on pinterest
Share on whatsapp
Share on email
Share on reddit
Share on tumblr
Share on linkedin
Chris Rock: Tamborine (2018)

[Jimmy Fallon] Were you at the, uh, White House party?

[Chris Rock] Yes, I was at the White House. Everybody was there. It was like… whoa. The last party at the White House… [chuckles softly] You been to the White House?

[Jimmy] Yes.

It’s amazing.

[Jimmy] It’s unbelievable.

You walk in, you see these humongous portraits of the presidents everywhere you go, right? So I’m there, and it’s me, and Ahmir is there, and Jay-Z, Beyoncé, Oprah, Steve… It’s like I died and went to Black heaven, right?

[audience laughing]

[Chris chuckles] They were all…

[Jimmy] Something to see.

It was unbelievable. There were a few white people there, too. But, uh… A couple… Kid Rock or somebody. Anyway…

[audience laughing]

[chuckling] Somebody… Katie Couric or something. And…

[both laughing]

They had a couple.

[Jimmy] Sure.

There’s a lot more now, I’ll tell you that. And… So… [chuckles] It’s a lot more now.

[Jimmy laughing] Yeah.

And they had entertainment… You’re sitting around, you’re meeting people, and you mingle, first you mingle. And at one point, it’s me and Michelle Obama just talking. I’m not really supposed to be alone with Michelle Obama. It’s not really my lane. I don’t know how to talk politics. And Michelle Obama’s like, “I don’t know what we’re gonna do. The country…” We’re talking about election and stuff. “I don’t know what’s gonna happen. This is such a crazy time.” And I go, “You’ll be aight.” That’s… I literally said that. I said that to Michelle. I said “You’ll be aight.”

[Jimmy] To the First Lady.

And then I said, “You know… you’ll get any kind of job you want. I mean, The View, The Housewives of Atlanta.” And she goes… And Michelle Obama looks at me and is like, “I was talking about the country. I wasn’t talking about me.”

The Housewives of Atlanta.

“I was talking about the country.” And I’d never felt so stupid in my life. It’s like my GED flared up, you know? And she gives me a look like, “Who let this n*gga in my house?” She didn’t say that, but that’s what the look was like. And then she goes, “Oprah, I gotta talk to you.” And she runs away from me, and then I’m feeling dumb. I’m like, “Okay, I gotta find some people as dumb as me.” I gotta find my intelligence, so I’m like, “Okay, where the athletes at?” Right? “Where are the athletes?” Then I see Charles Barkley like, “Ah, my n*gga.” Right?

[all laughing]

So… I see Charles Barkley, we talk for a minute, right? And then they ring a bell, and you gotta go watch the entertainment. So it’s me, Charles Barkley and Jay-Z going to this room to watch the entertainment. First it was, uh, Herbie Hancock and he was amazing, like…

[imitates guitar]

Then Stevie Wonder kinda snatches the mic from Herbie Hancock, right? And starts playing his stuff and puts some extra blind in it. You know what I mean? Like, puts some, like… Puts some extra…

[all laughing]

You know what I mean? So Stevie…

[man] Check please.

You know, ’cause Stevie’s been in the White House more than most presidents. So when he acts like he don’t know where he’s going, he’s lying, right? He’s been there for nine presidents, right? So… So Stevie’s playing and me and Jay-Z get sad, ’cause we realize we’re never gonna play the White House.

[Jimmy] Yeah.

I mean, he’s never gonna be like…

♪ Jigga, what’s my motherfucking name? ♪

That’s never gonna happen.

[Jimmy] I don’t see it.

That’s not gonna happen. Not with one… We’re only on first Black president.

[Jimmy] That’s right.

Black President 12, there might be a Wu-Tang reunion, but not… Not… Not now.

[Jimmy] Not now. Not gonna happen.

Not while we’re in the single digits of Black presidents, right? So… [chuckles] Then the party started, and Quest starts playing music, and it’s amazing. And we’re dancing and it’s a bunch of Black people dancing our asses off. It is amazing. In this place… In a place that slaves made. Okay? In a house that slaves… Black people enjoying the White House, man. Just amazing. And Sasha, Malia and the Obamas saying goodbye to people and everything. And as I’m walking out the White House, I look up on the wall and I see a picture of George Washington with a bloody tear coming out of his eye. It’s like…


Chris Rock Total Blackout: The Tamborine Extended Cut

[audience cheering]

Chris Rock!

[“Backseat Freestyle” by Kendrick Lamar playing]

♪ Uh, Martin had a dream ♪

♪ Martin had a dream ♪

♪ Kendrick have a dream ♪

♪ All my life I want money and power ♪

♪ Respect my mind Or die from lead shower ♪

♪ I pray my dick Get big as the Eiffel Tower ♪

♪ So I can fuck the world for 72 hours ♪

♪ Goddamn I feel amazin’ ♪

♪ Damn, I’m in the Matrix ♪

♪ My mind is livin’ on cloud nine… ♪

[Chris] Yeah. Please. Oh, sit down. Sit your asses down. Please let me get on with this show.

It’s nice to be here in Brooklyn. Brooklyn, where I’m from. Bed-Stuy, do or die. Right? Home of Biggie and Jay. Yes, I’m back. I’m in the neighborhood. You know, the more things change, the more things stay the same. I’m walking around, looking around today, and I wonder… You would think that cops would occasionally shoot a white kid just to make it look good. You would think that every couple of months, they’d look at their dead n*gga calendar and go, “Oh, my God. We’re up to 16. We gotta shoot a white kid quick.” “Which one?” “Ah, the first one you see singing Cardi B.”

That’s right. I mean, honestly, I wanna live in a world with real equality. I wanna live in a world where an equal amount of white kids are shot every month. An equal world. I wanna see white mothers on TV crying, standing next to Al Sharpton… talking about, “We need justice for Chad. We need justice for Chad. He was just coming home from racquetball practice. No justice, no quiche.”

I know some people, like, “Come on, Chris. You’re going too hard on the cops, man. You’re a celebrity. I’m sure they’d let you go. I’m sure they’re nice to you. You’re a celebrity.” Yeah, I’m famous, you know. But I’m not like Michael Jackson famous. I’m not famous from miles away. My fame kicks in right about here. When the cops see me walking down the street, they’re like, “N*gga, n*gga, n*gga, n*gga, n*gga.” “Hey, that’s Chris Rock!” “Man, you are funny, man. I love Pootie Tang, man.”

It’s weird, man. It’s weird. This whole thing with the cops, man. ‘Cause as a Black man, you have a… Especially a grown Black man. I have a weird relationship with the cops, man. Like on one hand, I’m a Black man, so I’m like, “Fuck the police.” And on the other hand, I own property. If somebody comes and breaks in my house, I’m not calling the Crips. “Uh, yo, Crips, can you send Little JJ down?” “Oh, he’s here already?” “My bad. My bad.”

Here’s the thing with the cops, though. I mean, being a cop’s a hard job, man. It’s a hard fucking job, man. I mean, honestly, I don’t think they pay cops enough. I don’t think they pay police enough…

[scattered applause]

…and you get what you pay for.

[chuckling] But here’s the thing, man. Whenever the cops gun down an innocent Black man, they always say the same things. It’s like, “Well, it’s not most cops. It’s just a few bad apples.” “It’s just a few bad apples.” “Bad apple”? That’s a lovely name for “murderer.” I was like, “How’d they get that one? ‘Bad apple,’ that almost sounds nice.” I mean, I’ve had a bad apple. It was tart. But it didn’t choke me out.

Here’s the thing. I know it’s hard being a cop. I know it’s hard. I know that shit’s dangerous. I know it is, okay? But some jobs can’t have bad apples, okay? Some jobs, everybody got to be good. Like… pilots. You know? American Airlines can’t be, like, “Most of our pilots like to land. We just got a few bad apples that like to crash into mountains. Please bear with us.”

Yeah, man. This cop shit ain’t gonna stop, man. But racism is not gonna stop. It ain’t never stopping. It’s the American way, man. They used to have signs up that said, “Whites only.” They used to have signs up that said, “No Blacks allowed.” Now they got something new. It’s called prices. That’s right. Prices are the new Jim Crow. The Four Seasons hotel does not say, “No Blacks allowed.” But a $4,000-a-night hotel suite sure does. That ought to handle your n*gga problem right there.

Prices are the new Jim Crow, baby. You know, Whole Foods does not say, “No Blacks allowed.” But a seven-dollar orange sure does. It says they don’t want my Black ass in here. A couple of white people are going, “They don’t want us in here either.” Fuck Whole Foods, I need some Half Foods.

America’s insane, man. You gotta get your kids ready for the white man. If you’re not, then you’re fucking up as a parent, okay? I’ve been getting my kids ready for the white man since they was born, okay? But even before they was born, I’ve been preparing them for the white man. Yeah. That’s right. At my house, we don’t have fire drills, we have whiter drills. So ever since my kids were born, I’ve been getting them ready for the white man. So everything in my house that’s the color white is either hot, heavy or sharp. So my kids know when they deal with anything white, they gotta think about that shit. They got to contemplate this shit. “Ooh. This napkin, okay. Should I wipe my mouth with it or is that what Whitey wants me to do?” Ever since they was born, everything in my house, hot, heavy, or sharp. They sit on a white toilet seat, burn their ass. “Daddy, my ass is burning.” “It’s white, motherfucker, it’s white. That’s what Whitey do.” “He burn your fucking ass. Pay attention!”

Shit, when they was little girls, their white onesie weighed 150 pounds.

“Daddy. Dad, it’s so heavy. It’s so heavy. This hurts. I can’t even stand. I can’t even stand.”

“It’s white, motherfucker, it’s white. That’s what Whitey do. He break your back.”

At their birthday party, I gave them vanilla ice cream with glass in it.

“Daddy, my tongue’s bleeding.”

“You should’ve gotten chocolate.”

Oh, y’all think I’m joking, huh? I go hard, too. I go fucking hard, man. I got girls and I go hard. So if you got a Black son, you gotta just punch him in the face. As soon as he wakes up, it’s like, “Morning, n*gga.” Pow! Shit, if you got a Black son and you don’t punch him in the face, that’s child abuse. Shit, that’s right, man. Some people say young Black teenagers are an endangered species. But that’s not true. ‘Cause endangered species are protected by the government.

Yo, man. You got to beat your Black son good. You got to whoop that ass. It’s important that he follows your instructions. ‘Cause, hey, ’cause the world is fucked up, man. We’ve got a fucked up justice system, okay? We’ve got a justice system for Black, for white, for rich, for poor. We live in a country where two people can do the exact same crime, in the exact same place, at the exact same time, and get different sentences. Yo. Yo, the justice system in America should be just like Walmart. Should be just like Walmart. Like, “Hey. If you can find a lighter sentence, we’ll match it.”

“They gave that white boy two years for a kilo.”

“It’s good, I’ll take that.”

Cops shooting motherfuckers, man. You know, we got cop problems, prices problems, we got some gun problems. This gun shit ain’t going nowhere, okay? Gun control. There ain’t never gonna be no gun control. Okay? You talk about it too long and you will get shot. They will shoot your ass, okay? One of the reasons is ’cause we all love guns. Love guns. I had a gun. That’s right, comedian with a gun. Ooh, they’re not laughing. Bang!

Yeah, man. We don’t care. America don’t care about no guns. You shoot up a church, nobody cared. You shot up a school, nobody cared, man. You shot up a theatre, people are like, “Should have had Netflix.”

That’s right. They’re never, ever changing the gun laws. Somebody gets gunned down, you see that shit on TV, next thing you know, you watch TV and all you hear are clichés. You know? Fifty people, sixty people, that many people, whatever, dead. And somebody comes on and goes, “Well, we can’t change the gun laws ’cause Americans need the right to hunt. They need to hunt.” It was like, “Really?” Hunting’s that fucking important? I mean, I’ve been hunting. I used to hunt with my grandfather as a kid in South Carolina. When hunting with my grandfather, I shot a rabbit. I cried. He called me a fa*got. And he’s a preacher.

They are never changing the gun laws, no matter what, man. They will shoot 100 people in Vegas, okay? And somebody will come on TV, you know, they’ll just talk, like, “Hey, you know, guns don’t kill people, people kill people.” That’s what they’ll say. They’ll shoot 100 people and somebody will go, “Guns don’t kill people, people kill people.” “As a matter of fact, if the gunman would have had a knife, he could have stabbed 100 people to death.” That’s what they say. They actually say that shit. On TV. Could have stabbed 100 people? Yo, check this out. If 100 people ever got stabbed at the same time, in the same place, by the same person, you know what that would mean? Ninety-seven people deserve to die.

What, you just watching this shit?

“Oh, shit, somebody got stabbed.”

“Ooh, they stabbed somebody else.”

“Ooh, they stabbed somebody else.”

“Ooh, they getting closer.”

“Ooh, he stabbed me. I didn’t see that coming.”

“Ooh, he stabbed the lady behind me.”

“He’s a stabbing fool. I guess that’s why they call him Stabby.”

They are never changing none of this gun shit, man. But you watch the news and it’s like, “Well, we can’t change the gun laws because every American has the right to protect their home.” Every American has the right to protect their home. That’s true, they got that right. But you ever notice that almost all the mass shooters, none of them own homes? They all live with their fucking mothers.

No, man. They gotta change the gun laws. Here’s the deal. Here’s what I think. I think, in order for you to get a gun in the United States of America, you should have to have a mortgage. That’s right. That’s a background check for your ass. Shit, if you got a 739 credit score, you ain’t killing nobody. See, the mortgage make you act right. How many times you been ready to quit your job? Just ready to quit. Like, “I can’t take this shit. These people don’t know how to use me. My skills are going to waste. I’m too smart for these people. I’m going in there tomorrow, and I’mma quit this job.”

And you walk in there, and you think you gonna quit, and you see that boss and you think, “That fucking mortgage. I’mma be here 30 more years. If I’m lucky.” Shit, having a mortgage make you act right. How many times you been ready to smack the shit out of somebody at work? Just smack… Yeah, I ain’t the only one. Just ready to smack the shit, like, “I can’t believe this motherfucker think they can talk to me this way. Tomorrow, I’mma smack the shit out this one.” You start doing push-ups. You dip your hand in lard. “I’mma smack him with a crispy hand. I’m gonna have a layer of crispy on my hand when I smack this motherfucker. That’s right. I might Buffalo smack this motherfucker.” Dip it in some hot sauce, too. And right before you could smack the shit out this motherfucker, you run up to him, you’re like… “Whoo! You’re lucky I’m trying to re-finance.”

That’s right. Mortgage makes you act right. There ain’t nothing better than a good mortgage. If you got a good mortgage, God has blessed you.

“What is a good mortgage?” you might ask. A mortgage that allows you to live your life. To do things, to go places, to buy shit. If you got a mortgage that’s like that, then your God has shined His light on you. But if you got a bad mortgage, whoo… Hell hath no fury like a bad mortgage. “What is a bad mortgage?” you ask. Well, a bad mortgage is any mortgage that doesn’t allow you to do anything but pay your motherfucking mortgage. That is a bad mortgage. You can’t go nowhere, you can’t even come to this motherfucking show. You gotta watch Delirious on VCR.

That’s right. When you got a bad mortgage, boy, you need to get your eyebrows done one at a time. “I’mma get the left done right now, and in about three weeks, I might get the right done. I might. I don’t know if I’ll have the money. I’m trying to go to Whole Foods later. Shit’s expensive.”

That’s right. One of them bad Suge Knight mortgages where your house is just looking at you, like, “Where’s my money, bitch?” “It’s death row, motherfucker!”

That’s right. Nothing like a bad mortgage that you all fucked up. That’s right. Where you’re like a meth addict. And the house is the dealer. And you’re like, “Please, I’m just trying to get this basement fixed. I’ll do anything. I’ll suck your dick.”

If you got one of those mortgages, just get out of that shit. Ain’t no shame in renting. Just rent, motherfucker, rent, man.

It is so good to be here right now. I’m just glad to be back. I’ve been… I’ve been so busy, man. I’ve been busy. People are like, “Where you been?” I’ve been busy. Trying to raise some kids. That shit’s a job. Trying to raise these kids, man. You know, sometimes I watch the news, and people are like… Whenever there’s some crazy, racist thing, people always go, “Well, children… Children don’t… They’re not born racist. You have to teach them to hate.” That’s what people always say. “Children are born loving. You have to teach them to hate.” It’s the biggest crock of bullshit I have ever heard in my life. Kids are the most racist, sexist, homophobic, mean motherfuckers on the face of the Earth. You don’t teach your kid to love. Raising your child is just beating the hate out of them. That’s all it is.

Kids are mean motherfuckers, okay? What the… Are you… My daughter, when she was little, was like, “Daddy, that lady, she’s so scary. I’m so scared. Oh, my God, Daddy. She’s a monster.” I’m like, “No, she’s Asian, Lola.” “Stop it. Okay? You racist brat, stop it.” “Daddy, that man, he’s got antennas. He’s gonna eat me. He’s scary.” “No, it’s dreadlocks, Lola. Stop it.”

Kids are fucking mean. Are you fucking kidding me? When my kid was two, she was biting kids on the playground. You think I taught her to bite kids? No, that was her natural state. She came out of the womb like Wolverine. Just tearing fucking kids up.

Kids are horrible people. That’s right. Pre-school is just jail with milk. So… “Kids have to learn to hate.” Get the fuck out of here.

Yo, man. So, I’m with my daughter, this year she started high school. My oldest started high school. Yep. Yep, yep. Kept her off the pole and now… Started high school. So I had to go with her to a freshman orientation. Did you ever go to a freshman orientation? It’s the most boring thing you will ever do with your kids. You know, ’cause you sit in an auditorium, quite like this, with a couple thousand kids, and people come up and speak and just lie to children. That’s all that happens all day is people come up and lie to children about the future. I’m sitting there and this lady comes up and goes, “I want you children to know, you can be anything you wanna be.” “You can be absolutely anything you wanna be.” I’m like, “Lady, why are you lying to these children?” “Maybe four of them could be anything they wanna be.” “But the other 2,000 better learn how to weld.” “Shit. I’m looking at these kids right now.” “I count at least 60 Uber drivers.”

“They could be anything they wanna be.” Shut the fuck up. Really? They could be anything they wanna be? Then how come you’re a vice principal? Was that the dream? Did you dress up like a vice principal when you was a kid? Put your little vice principal hat on?

Tell the kids the truth. Tell the kids the fucking truth! Say, “Hey, kids… Check this out. Check this out.” “You could be anything you’re good at, as long as they’re hiring.” “And even then, it helps to know somebody.”

So I’m sitting there, I’m in school and I’m watching this shit, and it dawned on me that this orientation wasn’t right. You know, ’cause I got Black kids, man. I’m sitting there, I’m like, “I don’t think this is right.” I think they need separate orientations. I think they need a Black orientation, white, gay, straight, Mexican, whatever. ‘Cause the Black kids, you’re in… You know, you get ready to face a whole nother world. I got Black kids. I got to get them ready for the white man. I got to get them ready for America, man. You know? That’s right. You know? Not the white man that’s here tonight. You guys all right. Y’all cool. Every one of you, I want you to know every dime you spent tonight is going towards putting little Black girls through private school. Anybody ask you what you did tonight, you go, “I made a difference.”


I was doing a movie a couple of years ago, and one of my bullies was working security on the movie.

Shit.

A guy who literally one day, in school, turned me upside down and shook the money out of my pockets. And I’m filming a scene… This is in Top Five. And I look and I’m like, “Is that B?” I’ll just say B. And he nodded, kinda… He was kind of ashamed. I just gave him, just a quick look, like, “Hey, man. I hope you doing well. You take care.” And I kept it moving. I didn’t like, “Get him off the set! Get him fired!” It’s like his sin has punished him. He could’ve been my friend.

Right.

[Chris] Know what I mean? He could’ve been in the trailer with us watching The Godfather. You know what I mean? The fact that he had to go through that whole day and watch me walk around and watch me… I was directing a movie. And watch me be me in all my glory. And to be so close to me, but yet so motherfucking far.

Right, you got your revenge.

[Chris] You know? I didn’t have to do anything. You ever watch Bugs Bunny? Bugs Bunny?

All the time.

When did Elmer Fudd get really mad at Bugs Bunny? Not when he shot him in the face with an anvil, not when he hit him over the head with a rock. You know when Elmer Fudd got really mad? When Bugs Bunny kissed him.

[Howard chuckles] Yeah, that true.

That’s when he would lose his mind. And when somebody does you wrong, just give ’em a kiss.


So I’m at the school… I’m at the school, and the lady comes back out. She goes, “I want you to know the school has absolutely no bullies. We have a no-bully policy. We don’t permit bullying. Any bullies will be kicked out of school immediately.” And right then, I wanted to take my daughter out the school. I was, like, “What kinda half-assed education is this?” I mean, school is supposed to prepare you for life. Life has assholes. And you should learn how to deal with them as soon as possible. God forbid you wait till you’re 30 to find out people ain’t shit. That’s a lesson you need quick. I know I said you gotta punch your Black son in the face, but, honestly, I believe all children should be punched in the face. Preferably by another child. ‘Cause once you’ve been punched in the face, you learn how to talk to people. You learn tone. That’s right. A lot of teeth been lost over tone.

That’s right. One of the problems with the world is we got too many people telling their kids how special they are. These souped-up kids walking the streets today thinking they’re fucking special. I’m walking down the street, there’s always some kid, “Hey, good work, Chris. Really funny, Chris. Love your work.” I’m like, “It’s Mr. Rock, bitch.”

Stop telling your kids that they’re special. Maybe they’re special to you. But not to me. I don’t play that shit.

Look, every day before my kids leave for school, I get them at the door, I’m like, “Lola, Zahra, check this out. Soon as you leave this door, nobody gives a fuck about you. Nobody in the whole world gives a fuck about you. Nobody thinks you’re cute, nobody thinks you’re smart, nobody gives a fuck about your opinion, nobody on the whole Earth outside of this door gives a fuck about you. Nobody. And even some of the people inside the house, a little on the fence.”

We need bullies. How the fuck do you have a school with no bullies? Bullies do half the work. That’s right. Teachers do one half, bullies do the whole other half. And that’s the half you’re gonna use as a fucking grown-up. That’s right. Who gives a fuck if you can code… if you start crying because your boss didn’t say hi? “You fucking weak bitch. Get the fuck away from me.”

I’m tired of this shit, man. We need bullies! Who’s gonna solve the problems of the world? Who’s gonna figure out global warming? Who’s gonna cure cancer? Who’s gonna eradicate poverty? You know who’s gonna do it? Some kid getting his ass kicked by a bully, that’s who. That’s right. Do you understand, “Nerds rule the world”? Always have, always will. Okay? I’ve never gotten a check from somebody taller than me. And I ain’t that tall. Thanks a lot, Mr. Weinstein.

That’s how it goes, man. Bullies rule… We need bullies. Need ’em. You think kids were nice to Bill Gates in high school?

“Hey, Gates, you Charlie Brown-looking motherfucker.”

“Fuck you, Gates, you four-eyed bitch.”

“Fuck you and your Windows, you gape-toothed motherfucker.”

“I’mma smack the shit out of you, you fucking Gate.”

“Gate, motherfucker. You can’t get in the gate, Gates.”

You think kids were nice to Mark Zuckerberg in high school?

“Hey, Zuckerfuck.”

“Zuckerfucker, motherzucker, motherzuck, zucker, motherzuck, suck-my-nuts-er, zucker, motherzucker, motherzuck, zuckermother, zuckermother, motherzucker.”

He invented Facebook after somebody smacked him in the face with a book. He invented Facebook just to get friends.

We need bullies. Shit. Pressure makes diamonds, not hugs. Hug a piece of coal and watch what you get. You get a dirty shirt.

That’s right. Bullies are the fertilizer that help good people to grow. If you want pretty flowers, you need a little shit.

I’m telling you, we need fucking bullies. That’s why there’s so many fat kids in school right now. ‘Cause there’s nobody to take their lunch money. You know what they buy with all that money? Seconds.

We need bullies, man. And I hate when people go, “Well, you know what, cyberbullying’s worse.” Shut up. I never heard of anybody getting cyber-kicked down a flight of stairs. I never heard of anybody getting a cyber-bag of piss thrown at them.

We need fucking bullies. Shit. That’s how Trump became president. That’s exactly what happened. We got rid of bullies, a real bully showed up, and nobody knew how to handle him.

I’m trying to get my life together, man. I’m trying to get a little religion in my life. Just a little. Just a little. Religion’s kind of like salt. A sprinkle’s good, but too much will fuck up the meal. I mean, I’m basically trying to find God before God finds me. But God never finds you at a good time. You’re never sitting courtside at a Knick game, getting a hand job from Halle Berry, and God shows up. “Strokes a good dick, don’t she? I made her. I made your dick, too. Enjoy the game.”

God never shows up at those times. No, God shows up after you’ve been raped in jail. And you’re in jail for parking tickets. Now, if you’re in jail for murder and somebody’s raping you, you’re like, “Okay, I guess this is what I deserve. I did kill somebody. Now, somebody’s killing my ass. Rape on.” But if you’re in jail for parking tickets and somebody’s fucking you in your ass, you’re like… “I should have moved that car. What was I thinking? I thought it was Good Friday. They keep moving Easter.”

I’m trying to find God before God finds me. But it’s so hard, it’s so hard, ’cause I’m such piece of shit. I try to be good, but I’m such a piece of shit. The other day, I gave the homeless guy five dollars. Should’ve been a good deed. Should’ve been a good deed. But I didn’t give him five dollars for him, I gave him five dollars for me. That’s right. You ever give or do something good just hoping God will notice you? It’s like, I basically was trying to kick-start a blessing. Like, I was basically looking at God as I was giving this bum some money, like, “Look at me, Lord. I’m a good person. Shine your light on me.”

And I’m so full of shit, everybody I spoke to that day, I slipped in that I gave this guy five dollars. No matter what they were talking about, “Hey, man, you see LeBron?” “No, I was too busy giving this bum some money. I had no time.” And I’m bragging about giving him five dollars. Meanwhile, I had about 400 in my pocket. I’m going past big money to give him little money. I’m like, “No, no, can’t have that. Nope, nope. Nope, nope, not for you. Nope, nope. That’s for strippers later. Nope, nope.” I gave him enough to get something at McDonalds, but nothing to drink. “Get yourself a number eight… dry.”

Just trying to find God before God finds me. I’m so fucked up, man. A lot of religion in the news, man. We ever watch the news, it’s always like, they’re always talking about religious extremists. We’re at war with extremists. Extremists. What is a religious extremist? A religious extremist is a person that extremely believes in God. You think you believe in God, no, they extremely believe in God. Like, “God coming back on Wednesday at 2:30. I got tickets. Fantasia’s opening for him. I hear Charlie Wilson might stop by.”

That’s right, religious extremists extremely believe in God, and occasionally blow shit up. Which is odd when you think about it. ‘Cause if you truly believe in God, you believe that God created the Earth, the moon, the stars, the Sun. You believe that God is the most powerful being in the universe. So if you believe God’s the most powerful being in the universe, why would He need your help? What is that shit? And… That’s right.

I mean, here’s the thing. I think the act of helping God is sacrilegious. If you think you can help God out, you don’t believe in God. That’s right. If you really had faith, you’d really have faith. I mean, check this out. I haven’t been to church in ten years. Now, that’s believing in God. Shit, you go every week ’cause you don’t trust God. Is God here yet?

Trying to find God before God finds me, man. Another thing religious extremists messed up, man, air travel. Just ruined it, man. Remember, it used to be fun to fly? You could have a 12:00 flight and leave your house at 11:30. And make it. Remember, you used to be able to pick grandmother up at the gate? That’s right. Now, by the time you get her, she done had a heart attack. She’s just dead going around the conveyor belt. “You got a ticket for dead Grandma?”

And they got all this security, they take your shoes, they take your shampoo. When did shampoo become so dangerous? They take your shampoo, you get through security, and then they sell shampoo at the gift shop. Sometimes, they’re trying to sell you your own shampoo back. I know my Prell when I see it.

Yo, I’m tired of all the security. Yo, they need an airline for people that don’t give a fuck. They need an airline… They need an airline with absolutely no security for people that are in a hurry, and willing to take their lives in their own hands. That’s what they need. I’ll pay an extra $50 for that shit. They need to call it Risky Airlines. That’s right. Risky Airlines, Muslims half price. That’s right. The bigger the beard, the more legroom you get. They won’t even have tickets. They just stamp your hand like you at a club. You’ll be like, “I was in already.”

“At Risky Airlines, all our pilots are bad apples.”

No, man. Just trying to find God before God finds me, man. Tomorrow’s Sunday. I love getting up on a Sunday and watching the preachers. Preachers. I just love watching the preachers. It’s like, you know… My man, T.D. Jakes. Creflo Dollar. Joel Osteen. Check ’em all out, man. Here’s my question. Why’s God always so broke? God has been suffering financial difficulties… for quite some time. What the fuck? Does God have a bad mortgage? What is… What is going on? Who pays God’s taxes, Wesley Snipes? What’s going on? I don’t understand. Whoo!

The Devil’s never broke. Devil making it rain at the strip club. You never see the Devil on TV going, “Hey, this evil ain’t gonna pay for itself.”

Nah, man. But I love religion. I love watching religion, studying religion. The cool thing about religion is no matter who you pray to, no matter what you study, every religion follows one basic premise, one basic idea that every religion follows. And that premise is, “God doesn’t make mistakes.” Every religion believes that. Everybody.

[imitating preacher] “God does not make… mistakes.”

“I say God… does not… [harmonizes] make… mistakes.”

God don’t make no mistakes? That’s… Okay. That’s a pretty ambitious thing to say. No mistakes? You ever read the Bible? What does the Bible say happened on the seventh day? “God rested.” Okay. Seems odd that a perfect being would rest. Let me ask you a question. Have you ever been performing a task, it was going perfect, and you took a rest? Has that ever happened in your life? No! That has never fucking happened to you. What’s happened to you was you were performing a task, you fucked up, and you thought, “Let me rest… before I fuck this up some more.”

“God doesn’t make mistakes.” Hush your mouth. God makes plenty of mistakes. You ever see a porcupine? Can’t eat it, can’t hug it. It’s ugly, sticky, shitting all over the place. Mistake!

What about quicksand? Sand you can drown in. You can drown dry. Do you think God meant to make quicksand? Mistake!

You ever been to Mississippi? Mistake! M-I-S-S-T-A-K-E! Fucking kidding me? Just a big hunk of racist dirt. Fucking Mississippi. I was there couple of months ago. I couldn’t even tell what year it was. That’s how fucked up and ghetto that shit was. Like, goddamn!

You know what Mississippi’s like? You know like when you go to the Caribbean? You know when you go to the Caribbean, you land and you get in that van. That drive. That scary-ass drive… from the airport to the resort. You’re looking out the window and you’re like, “What the fuck? What the fuck is that shit? Oh, my God. Whoa!” You see little kids eating dreadlocks. You see Shabba Ranks stabbing a dog. Shabba, Shabba, Shabba, Shabba! People looking like they’d never saw a car before. “Wheel! Wheel!” Then you get to the resort and you’re like, “Jamaica’s nice. It’s so nice. We should invite your mother.”

Shit. They give you one piña colada… and you forgive the worst poverty you’ve ever seen. You take one sip, you’re like, “That baby wasn’t really dead, right? I can’t wait to Jet Ski.”

Trying to find God before God finds me. Trying to get my life together, man.

I had a crazy… Last few years have been crazy for me, man. Uh, you know, taking care of my kids, man. I got divorced. Divorced. No, no, don’t…

[scattered applause]

No, don’t clap for that shit unless you’re a lawyer. You don’t wanna get divorced, let me tell you right now. I’m talking from hell. You don’t want this shit. Tell you right, if you got somebody you love, hold tight. That’s right. Hold fucking tight. Commit. Don’t be the one that’s always threatening to leave, too. That’s right. Love hard or get the fuck out. If you’re gonna leave, leave right now. That’s right, at the show, right now. That’s right, just break up. We got break up booths in the back. That’s right.

But before you leave, you better… You better make sure you got some options. ‘Cause some of y’all been in a relationship so long, you don’t know how ugly you are. Before you leave, just take off all your clothes, stand in a mirror, like… “This is what I’m putting on the market.” You might need sit-ups or counseling.

That’s right. Love hard or get the fuck out, okay? You hear me? I’m telling you right now. If you’re in a relationship, all you should be doing is fucking and going places. That’s all you should be doing. Having sex and traveling. Fucking and going places. You should be coming and going. That’s all you should be doing, okay? People say, “Relationships are tough.” No, they not. They’re only tough when one person is working on it. That’s right. Two people can move a couch real easy. One person can’t move it at all.

That’s right. If you’re in a relationship, let me try to help you right now, okay? I’m trying to fucking help you, okay? Okay. First rule, rule one, stop competing. It’s not a fucking competition. That’s right. Her success is your success and your success is her success. Stop competing. Stop it, okay? Number two. Number two, okay? There is no equality in a relationship. It’s like, “We equals.” No, you’re not. You’re both there to serve. You are in the service industry, okay?

That’s right, when you are in a relationship, you’re in a band. You’re in a fucking band. And when you’re in a band, you have roles that you play in the band. Sometimes you sing lead, and sometimes you’re on tambourine. And if you’re on tambourine, play it right. Play it right. Play it with a fucking smile. ‘Cause nobody wants to see a mad tambourine player. If you gonna play tambourine, you play that motherfucker right.

You play it with your ass, like, “Tambourine, motherfucker, tambourine.”

“A tambourine, motherfucker, tambourine.”

“A tambourine, motherfucker, tambourine.”

“A tambourine, motherfucker, tambourine.”

Play it like Tina Turner.

That’s right, you in a band. It’s like Hall & Oates. I don’t know what Oates does. But Hall never had a hit record without him.

Yeah. You wanna stay together. How do you stay together? You gotta fuck. It’s that simple. You gotsta fuck. People will say, “Oh, when we got together, it was so much fun but then problems arose.” No, they didn’t. Nothing arose. Every problem you have today, you had when you met. But you were fucking, so you forgave. That’s right. You knew he didn’t do dishes. But he gave you good dick. That was a swell trade, dick for dishes. You used to love washing them dick dishes. So you knew she couldn’t cook, but she licked your balls. You’re like, “Ah, keep licking. We’ll order in.”

You gotsta fuck. You got to fuck, you gotta keep it up. And you gotta fuck no matter what mood you in. You got to keep the shit moving. You can’t wait for the Holy Ghost to just get you. That’s right. That’s right. Ladies, are you listening to me? Sometimes you gotta suck a melancholy dick. You got to do what you got to do. ‘Cause I can eat pussy in a horrible mood. “I can’t believe there’s no gas in the car.” “I can’t believe there’s so much mold in the basement.” Shit, I’d eat pussy on 9/11. Where were you?

No, man, you gotsta fuck, man. Dude, I was married for 16 years. For 16 years. Yes, that’s a long run. Hamilton won’t last that long. I was married for 16 years in the era of the cell phone, which means… my 16 years is actually longer than my parents’ 40. In my 16 years, I had more contact with my ex-wife than my parents had in 40 fucking years. Think about it. My father used to leave for work at 6:30 in the morning, come home at 8:30 at night, and during the day, him and my mother had no contact at all. That’s what a fucking relationship used to be. That’s right. The kids could’ve died, and he wouldn’t have found that shit out till he got home. He’d be like, “The kids died?” “What time?” “About eight hours ago.” “Oh, shit.” They had no contact at all. That’s what… Everybody’s parents in here, that’s what a relationship was. When they got together, they actually used to talk. You know why? ‘Cause each one of them had pertinent information that was useful to the other one. That’s right. “Baby, how was your day?” “Whitey didn’t get me.” “Didn’t get me, either.” “I love you.”

You know why else they used to talk? You know why else? ‘Cause they used to miss each other. They used to actually miss each other. You can’t miss nobody today. They right in your back pocket. They with you all the fucking time. That’s right. Soon as you leave the house, you get a fucking beep, you get a text, you get a FaceTime, you get a fucking Snapchat, you get some kind of fucking communication. Then your woman got the nerve to go, “You act like you don’t wanna talk.” “What are you talking about? I know everything you did today, and I know how people felt about it.” “That’s right. I read the comments, motherfucker.” “I gave you five likes, bitch. Shit.” “I gave you three smiley faces and a eggplant.” “Now, get off my back.”

Dude, I was not, like, a good husband. I was fucked up, you know. I was addicted to porn. I know, billion-dollar industry, just me, right? I was addicted to porn, and, you know… I was 15 minutes late everywhere. I got some witnesses. When you watch too much porn, you know what happens? Here’s what happens to you. You become, like, sexually autistic. You develop, like, sexual autism. You have a hard time with eye contact and verbal cues. You want everything to be routine. Like, you can’t choke your woman every night. You got to mix it up. Choke-Out Thursdays.

And what happens when you watch too much porn? You get desensitized, you know? When you start watching porn, it’s like any porn will do. Like, “Ah, they’re naked.” Ooh-hoo! Then, later on, now you’re all fucked up and you need a perfect porn cocktail… to get you off, you know? I was so fucked up. I’d need a Asian girl with a Black girl’s ass that speaks Spanish… just to get my dick to move an inch. I’m good now. Man, I had to go to rehab, get the porn patch. I’m a lot better now.

Ladies, that’s right, take care of your man. Fellas, take care of your wife, your girlfriend. Take care of her or she will leave you. She will leave you either physically or mentally. A woman can leave you mentally. That’s right, like Star Trek, just telepath out this motherfucker. There’s guys, they think they’re with their wife right now. But no, n*gga, she left you months ago. She just came ’cause you got tickets. She ain’t with you, she with me.

Man, the older you get, the bullshit you learn… One thing, the gangster-est shit in the world. You learn nothing more gangster, nothing smarter, nothing more powerful than a housewife. Housewives are the smartest motherfuckers on Earth. People think it’s the working woman. No. Suckers work. That’s right. Smart people find other people to work for them. That’s right, that’s right. They got The Housewives of Atlanta. They don’t got The Working Bitches of Atlanta. Nobody would watch that show. A housewife’s a bad motherfucker, boy. ‘Cause a housewife has convinced her husband that it’s his house, too. There’s a lot of guys in here, right now, think they own a house, think it’s their house, too. No, she took that house years ago, and the kids were in on it.

That’s right. The housewife is a bad motherfucker. ‘Cause the housewife got a little time. That’s right. So before Daddy come home, the housewife get the kids together and they rehearse a little play… that they do when Daddy get home. “Daddy gonna be here in five minutes. You know your lines?” “I miss you, Daddy.” “Good. Good. You say that soon as he walk in, okay? I need you to grab his leg and don’t let go. I’m gonna give him a big piece of chicken and when he fall asleep, we go back to having our house, ha-ha!”

That’s right, fellas, you don’t own a house. If you live with a woman, you don’t have a house. That is her fucking house. The only man that owns anything is a single man, okay? And, fellas, here’s a test right now. If you really think you own a house… Just a test. Okay, fellas, tonight, when you go home, I want you to try… I want you to try… Fellas, when you go home tonight, I want you to try to hang up a picture of your mother. It’s your house, right? Give it a shot.

“What’s that?”

“It’s a picture of my mother.”

“I don’t like that frame.”

You’ll never see that picture again. Maybe at your mother’s funeral, she’ll go, “Look what I found.” Motherfucker.

And don’t get mad. Do not get mad at your woman. Whatever you do, do not get mad. ‘Cause if you get mad at your woman, she will get mad at you. And you’re mad ’cause you can’t hang up a picture of your mother. But she’s mad at you for having the audacity to get mad at her. You’re actually mad about a actual thing she did. And she’s just mad that you had the nerve to react to the thing that she did. You didn’t do nothing, now you gotta apologize to move this shit on. Like, “Hey, baby, I’m sorry. I should’ve known my mother’s face didn’t deserve to be on the walls of our house. Uh, I will never do something that stupid again. Uh, maybe I’ll hang it up in my office or something. I would appreciate it. Um, thank you. Thank you, honey. I love you. If it helps, fuck my mother. Okay? Fuck her.”

Oh, man. And if she gets real mad… If your woman gets real mad, then she’ll issue a pussy strike. You don’t want that. Nothing worse than a pussy strike. That’s right. Remember the pussy strike of 2013? That was a tense negotiation. The union was tough. That’s right, man. Pussy strike. Pussy embargo. Pussy sanctions. Treat your dick like it’s Cuba. That’s right. Pussy strike is the most deadly weapon in the female arsenal. But it has to be deployed correctly. Lot of women don’t know how to give the pussy strike. That’s right. Some of y’all don’t know how to give a proper pussy strike. Here’s the thing about a pussy strike. The pussy strike only works if you fuck your husband regularly. That’s right. You can’t threaten a man with sex he don’t ever get. You’re like, “I won’t suck your dick.” “You don’t suck my dick now. What other fantasy things are you gonna take out of my life? You want to take the keys to my spaceship? You want to take my pet tiger? What else? What else you gonna take?”

That’s right. Ladies, you gotta fuck your husbands. You gotta fuck ’em! You have to fuck these motherfuckers. You have to do it. ‘Cause if you don’t fuck him, he will build up antibodies to your pussy. That’s right. The more you fuck him, the weaker he is. But if you don’t fuck him, he will build up his own opinion. You don’t want that. Eyes on the prize. Eyes on the fucking prize!

Shit, man. Here’s a thing, too. Here’s another good reason to fuck your husband. God forbid you’re ever in a horrible train accident. That’s right. And your whole body is mangled and ripped up. And the only thing left… is the pussy. And your husband has to come down to the morgue and identify the pussy so you could get a proper burial. If you haven’t been having sex, that’s gonna be hard. And he gets down there, the mortician’s like, “I’mma pull back this sheet, and when I do, I need you to identify the pussy, okay?” And he pulls back the sheet and your husband’s like, “I don’t know. I… I can’t really… I can’t, uh… [chuckles nervously] You sure she was on the train? Uh…” “Uh, can you make it go like this?” [pretend-crying] That’s my wife. That’s my wife.”

Yo, ladies, if you got a good husband, got a good man, hold on tight, or another woman will take your husband. They’ll take him. There’s women in here right now with stolen husbands. You know who you are. You’re like, “That bitch was slipping.” That’s right, hold tight or another woman will take your man.

Fellas, you don’t got to really worry about that. Nobody’s taking your wife. Oh, don’t get me wrong, they’ll fuck your wife. Oh, they’ll fuck her good. They’ll fuck her better than you. But they’re not gonna take her. There’s no guy going, “Yeah, I want her to yell at me the way she yells at him. I wanna live in a house with no pictures of my mother.” Oh, they’ll fuck her and then they’ll return her. “I believe this is yours. The bitch had me feeling bad about myself.”

Oh, man. I fucked up, man. Divorce, man. You don’t want no parts of this shit, man. Hey, it’s my fault ’cause I’m a fucking asshole, man, just… I wasn’t a good husband. I wasn’t a good husband. I didn’t listen. I wasn’t kind. True, true, you know. You know, I had a attitude. I thought, “I pay for everything, I can do what I want.” That shit don’t fucking work. You know, I just thought I was the shit, man. Uh, I didn’t play the tambourine. You got to play the tambourine. Everybody got to play the tambourine.

I cheated. Yeah, I’m serious. I’m not… I’m not bragging. I cheated. I was on the road and… I end up sleeping with three different women. It’s like fucked up. You know what’s fucked up? Here’s the thing. When guys cheat, it’s like, we want something new. We want something new, right? But then you know what happens? Your woman finds out, and now, she’s new. She’s never the same again. So now you got new, but you got a bad new. You know, you got bad fucking new, man. Every woman here right now is like, “Fuck you, Chris. What the fuck, man? I thought…” “You, I thought you was all right. You?” “Come on, Chris, what the fuck is wrong with you?” “What the fuck is wrong with men?”

I know a bunch of women are thinking that right now. Every woman in here is like, “Fuck you, Chris.” And every guy in here right now is going, “Three?” “That’s it? Just three?” “Goddamn, man.” “I work at UPS. I got more hoes than that.” “Three?” “You must’ve really loved your wife.” “You a romantic.”

Yo, man, it’s fucked, man. I remember, right, when my divorce was final, I was at a party and I saw Rihanna. I was like, “Okay. Let’s start this again.” So, I’m at this party, I see Rihanna. I was like, “Okay. Let me say, ‘What’s up?'” And I’m like, I said, “How you doing, Rihanna?” You ever forget how old you are? Rihanna looked at me like I was one of her aunts. Like… She didn’t even register me as a dick-carrying member of society. Like, I would’ve had a easier time fucking Aretha Franklin. And I mean that respectfully, okay? She was asking me about other dudes. “Have you seen Ray J?” I’m like, “Fuck Ray J. I hate that n*gga.”

Yo, you don’t want to get divorced, man. This shit is no joke, man. I had to go through a custody fight for my kids, just to see my kids, man. That shit’s fucked up, man. First of all, you don’t wanna be a man in family court, and you don’t wanna be a Black man in any court. Yeah. Even the Black judge comes to work with his lawyer, and he keeps his robe on all day. Writes “judge” on the back, just in case somebody thinks it’s a n*gga with a cape. “Is that a n*gga with a cape?” “Nope, just the judge.”

Yo, man, I was in court. That shit was scary, man. Like, to not know if you’re gonna be able to fucking see your kids. You know? And when I got divorced, I wanted it to be smooth. So, I bought a house around the corner, okay? Like, fucking quarter of a mile, like, right around the fucking corner. Damn near the same house, okay? But… wasn’t enough, man. I went in there, that judge was like, “Uh, Mr. Rock, I need to see pictures of the beds in the bedroom to make sure the children have a place to sleep.” I was like, “What? You think I got a manger, what? Like, I got a million-dollar house with no beds?” Okay. Show them the picture, right? But that wasn’t enough. Then the judge was like, “Mr. Rock, I need to see pictures of the refrigerator and the food inside to make sure the children have enough to eat.” I’m like… “What have you heard about me? I’m Chris Rock, not Chris Brown.”

Yo, man. Yo, fellas, I hope none of you get divorced. I’m telling you right now, if you ever do anything good for your kids, take a picture of that shit. If you hug ’em, take a picture, if you feed ’em, take a picture. ‘Cause you never know when you might need receipts of love. Winter is coming.

Whoo! But it worked out. I got my kids. I got my kids, okay. I see my kids all the time. I got my custody. Shit worked out, okay? But that shit was like humiliating, man, trying to prove your parenthood, man. So I know I said you’re not supposed to compete in a relationship, but after you go through that shit, you’re like, “Am I gonna lose my kids?” I was like, “Yo, I’m going hard every time I have my kids.” I always went hard, but I’m going extra hard. “I don’t know what you’re doing at your mom’s house, but we’re gonna top that shit… every motherfucking time, okay?” Sometimes I bring guest stars. I make sure they go back to her with a story like, “Mama, Mama, Drake helped me with my homework.” “Lady Gaga made me a grilled cheese sandwich.”

You all think I’m bullshitting. Then check my Instagram, all right?

And the crazy thing is… So after you get through the custody thing, then you got to divide the money, that’s fucking scary shit, man. And whoever… Whoever… makes the most money has to pay the legal fees for the other person, so I had to pay for a lawyer to divorce me. That’s like hiring a hitman to kill you. It’s like, “Okay. Here’s a picture of me. I’mma be at Burger King at 10:38, okay? Shoot me in the head and give me a call.”

So… I’m in court… Yo, one day I’m in court, and I’m just looking around, and she got three lawyers, I got three lawyers. Shit’s expensive as fuck. She got three lawyers, I got three lawyers. The judge, the bailiff, the stenographer. I’m looking at all these motherfuckers, man. It’s like, “Wow, look at this whole… town, just here.” I’m looking at all these people and realize, everybody in this room is far more educated than me, everybody. I dropped out of Boys High, okay? I got college motherfuckers coming at me, right? And I realized everybody in the room was born to much better circumstances than me. I’m from Bed-motherfucking-Stuy, baby. And everybody in there is there to take my money. It’s like, everybody in here is gonna leave with more money except me. And they got up that morning, they brushed their teeth, they put on suits, they fixed their hair with the sole purpose of taking my shit. And at that moment, I realized something. I made it. I made it. Started from the bottom, now I’m here. I made it, man. After that, I was like, “Fuck it. Take it. Whatever you need, take it. I’ll be all right. I’mma work. It’s gonna be good.”

‘Cause here’s the crazy thing, man. Some of these lessons, you just gotta learn. Like, I bought this shit on myself, you know. Nobody told me to go hoe up, you know. I brought this shit on myself. And you got to learn some lessons, some man lessons, okay? I know it’s hard being a woman, but there’s a coldness that you have to accept when you’re a man, especially a Black man. It’s like, the world is cold as a motherfucker, okay? You get older, the one thing I learned… Only women, children and dogs… are loved unconditionally. Women, children and dogs are loved unconditionally. A man is only loved under the condition that he provides something, okay? I’ve never heard a woman in my life say, “You know, after he got laid off, we got so much closer.” [laughs sarcastically] You ain’t never heard that shit. No, no, no. I once heard my grandmother say, “A broke man is like a broke hand, can’t do nothing with it.” What kind of gangster shit is that?

That’s right. Women, children and dogs are loved unconditionally. A man is only loved under the condition that he provides something. That’s right. Fellas, when you meet a new girl, what do your friends ask you? “What she look like?” Ladies, when you meet a new guy, what do your friends ask you? “What does he do? What the fuck does that n*gga do that can help you out? Can this motherfucker facilitate a dream or not?”

That’s right. Every man in this room is a job loss away from losing their woman. You think you know her right now, you don’t know shit. Lose your job for three weeks, motherfucker, and you will meet her. Every man in this room is a job loss away. Okay? Even right now, Michelle Obama is looking at Barack going, “What’s your plans, n*gga? How’s that book turning out? I need to see some pages.”

Yo, man. It’s a harsh, cold world, man. But I brought this on myself, man. When you get older, you learn shit, man. But, you know, women cheat, too. Women cheat. We don’t do this shit by ourselves. Women cheat, too. They’re just better at it than guys. Guys, we’re horrible cheats. We always get caught late night, come home smelling like hotel soap. Your woman’s like, “What’s that smell?” “I don’t know.” Then you take off your clothes and a little bar of soap falls out your ass. “I knew it!”

It’s crazy that guys, we get caught so easy. It’s so easy to catch us ’cause it’s always the new chick. It’s the new chick at work, new chick at school. “Ah, that bitch.” Women, when you catch a woman, it’s always some motherfucker you done met ten times. He been all up in your house, he drank your Pellegrino. Then one day you give him a good look, you’re like, “Wait a minute. Craig ain’t in the book club. This n*gga can’t read.”

Oh, man. I’m retired, I’m… This cheat shit, I’m done. I’m done. You get a certain age, you got in a lot of shit, lose enough shit, it’s like, “Fuck this, I’m done cheating.” I… Hey, I love pussy, but I like peace more. Peace is better than pussy. Peace makes my dick hard. I need motherfucking peace, motherfucker. You wanna be my girl, be peaceful. Just some peace, motherfucker.

That’s right. I ain’t cheating at all. I mean, unless Rihanna, you know. Like I keep half a Viagra in my wallet, just in case she ever goes through an “old comedians” phase. “Rihanna fucked Eddie Griffin. Shit, I gotta get over there.” “Fucking Eddie Griffin. Goddamn!”

It’s all good, man. Now I’m dating. I’m actually dating. It’s just weird, man. It’s weird. I was married for a long time. You know, I date some girls my age and some little younger. That shit is crazy, man. Yo, shit has changed. These girls fuck fast now. They fuck fast and they leave. They just get the fuck out your house. They just fuck and leave. I’m like, “Where are you going? It’s your place.” They used to wanna cuddle or something. Them motherfuckers be gone. And they fuck immediately. I’m a grown man and I’m like, “This is inappropriate.”

My God, young girls like to get on top, always wanna get on top. “Let me ride it, Daddy. Let me get on top. Let me ride. Let me get on top. Let me ride it, let me ride it, let me ride.” You can’t get no 45-year-old woman to get on top. She’s like, “N*gga, you lucky I’m laying like this. I’ll turn over to help you finish, but that’s about it. These knees are delicate.”

But them young girls like, “Let me get on top. Let me get on top. Let me ride it. Let me get on top.” I’m laying back, this girl’s bouncing on my dick, I can’t tell if I’m fucking or changing oil. “Let me get on top. Let me get on top. Let me ride it. Let me ride it.”

Shit, I’m on Tinder right now under my own name. My friends are like, “You can’t be under your own name. What if you find a woman that just wants you because you’re Chris Rock?” I’m like, “But I am Chris Rock. What should I put, Cedric the Entertainer?”

Shit, my profile picture on Tinder right now is me, butt naked, holding a microphone… and a tambourine.

I’m out of here. Y’all take care. Thank you.

[mic thuds]

[“Can I Live II” by JAY-Z playing]

♪ Yeah, is y’all n*ggas finished, yo? ♪

♪ Is y’all n*ggas finished? ♪

♪ Got your little radio play Your little BDS, huh ♪

♪ You finished, n*gga? ♪

♪ Huh, huh, y’all finished? ♪

♪ Can I live, huh? ♪

♪ Can I live, yo, you’re being stingy With the fucking music again, yo ♪

♪ Yo, yo… Yo I blacks out I pulls the MAC out ♪

♪ Scream “What’s that about?” Then I clap out ♪

♪ I get my plot on and my drop on Through the rotten ♪

♪ Don’t even hate on those who hate me I got Pac on ♪

♪ Feeling it Chickens are ice grilling it ♪

♪ Cops pulling it over Jigga react militant ♪

♪ Speed off Officer told me turn the beat off ♪

♪ I turned it a level higher Then return the devil’s fire ♪

♪ I’m raised different React in situations n*ggas lay stiff in ♪

♪ Rookies blame it on the age difference ♪

♪ My subliminal flows Create criminal odes ♪

♪ Sing along if y’all with me Till the end of the road ♪

♪ I’m cynical When in the view of the public ♪

♪ And this is because I’m defensive when I’m in interviews ♪

♪ The percentage who don’t understand Is higher than the percentage who do ♪

♪ Check yourself What percentage is you? ♪

♪ Can I live, for all my n*ggas With all white Air Force Ones ♪

♪ And black guns, stack ones, yo ♪

♪ Can I live, for all my chicks… ♪

* * *

[Dave Chappelle] You’re the best.

[Chris] You’re the best.

[Dave] Whatever it is…

[man 1] We’re all the best.

Whatever you do, your shit moves me.

Like, I seek out…

[man 2] I would rather see this than the old days, when Michael and Prince were fighting, and one motherfucker end up falling off a lifeboat.

[man 1] Yeah. Oh, fuck, yeah.

I saw that.

Fuck them, you know?

You know that story?

[man 1] I remember.

Oh, my God.

Eddie and Richard only got together for the movie.

They were not cool.

Richard and Cosby weren’t cool.

The first time I saw Eddie and Richard together, Richard’s on stage in The Original Room. And he’s performing. And Rashon brings him a note. And Richard looks at the note, and he puts it away and he keeps working a little bit. The note says, “Eddie Murphy is here.” So, Richard’s working. Richard finally says, “There’s a young man here. A lot of people say that he’s the new me, but I’m not finished being me yet, so that shit is… That fucks with me… His name is Eddie Murphy.” And everybody goes crazy. He says, “You wanna come up, so I can get to know you?”

[Chris chuckling] Oh, my gosh.

Oh, wow!

Oh, wow!

“How about put your hands together for Eddie Murphy.” Eddie walks in the main room, comes up to that one step on, right. He steps up on the stage, they shake and meet for the first time, and Richard walks away, but doesn’t leave. He sits on that step, that one step down in The Original Room, he sits, and sits and watches Eddie work. So, for Eddie, it’s like, Richard’s sitting here…

Oh, man.

[Chris chuckles]

…and Eddie turns the motherfucker out. And Richard stands at the end, and Eddie comes to the step, they walk away together. It was the greatest fucking moment.

Yeah, I’ll say it…

♪ Two kids, one job, and no man ♪

♪ All my chicks getting that washing set With their welfare check ♪

♪ Haha, all the mamis dame un beso All right ♪

♪ Yeah All my n*ggas rocking them fitted caps ♪

♪ Trying to get at this rap Know what I mean? ♪

♪ All my cats with open cases Big cars, and no license ♪

♪ I like that shit, I see y’all ♪

♪ All my n*ggas that say pause After they say some fucked up shit ♪

♪ Haha, rock on and, uh… ♪

♪ Jigga shit Roc-A-Fella forever, yo ♪

♪ Uh, Major Coins… ♪

SHARE THIS ARTICLE

Share on facebook
Share on twitter
Share on pinterest
Share on whatsapp
Share on email
Share on reddit
Share on tumblr
Share on linkedin

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Read More

Kathleen Madigan - Madigan Again (2013)

Kathleen Madigan: Madigan Again (2013) – Transcript

Comic Kathleen Madigan delivers new material derived from time spent with her Irish Catholic Midwest family, eating random pills out of her mother’s purse, touring Afghanistan, her unparalleled love of John Denver and more.

8:46 - Dave Chappelle

Dave Chappelle: 8:46 – Transcript

Chappelle touches on Floyd’s death and subsequent protests, discusses the history of violence against African-Americans in the United States and their attempts to push back.

Access Our Archive
of Stand-Up Transcripts