Chris Rock: Never Scared (2004) – Transcript

The number one reason people hate America, the number one reason is because of our religion. Americans worship money, we worship money. Separate God from school, separate God from work, separate God from government but on your money it says in God we trust.
Chris Rock: Never Scared (2004)

Chris Rock pulls out all the stops in his no-holds-barred stand up comedy special which aired in April 2004 on HBO. Gleefully making fun of rap music over the years, the Jacksons, Kobe Bryant, R. Kelly, Krispy Kremes, strippers “paying themselves for college and giving a smart lap dance while wearing clear heels,” the dynamics of relationships between men and women, he also makes some very strong (but humorous) points when talking about how the government advertises approved medicines while maintaining a hypocritical attitude on drugs and weapons, and he drives the issue home as to the politics of wealth which draws a clear difference between Whites and Blacks (or non whites). Hilarious within an inch of its life, Chris Rock’s Never Scared is an excellent 90 minutes and maintains his own status as a strong comic presence.

by nycritic [IMDb]

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Recorded on March 24–26 2004 at the DAR Constitution Hall, Washington, D.C.

I think he’s a funny guy. He’s original, he’s hilarious, he’s a superstar, and I have two tickets for me and my baby to go see him. Gonna be a great show. As he says, there’s black folks and there’s n i g g e r s. I think he’s a very progressive black man. I think he’s true with everything he says. He hits home, I mean, all his jokes are on point and you know exactly what he’s talking about.

DC, are you ready? DC, are you ready? Give it up for my brother, the one, the only, Chris Rock!!!

Thank you! Thank you all for coming out. Yes. Welcome. Sit yo asses down. Sit yo black asses down, man. Thank you all for coming out to my fourth HBO Special. That’s right, baby. Number four! Yeah! Yeah, this is the Kill Bill one, you know what I’m saying? Gonna do it right, man. It’s good to be here in Washington, DC. That’s right. Lovely Constitution Hall, that’s right, man. Now I haven’t toured in a long time, I haven’t done a special for a long time. I was waiting for special things to happen, and a lot’s happened in my life since the last time I was on the road, man. I had a little baby girl. It’s not a big deal. I mean, even roaches have kids, right? But I got a little baby girl. And it’s amazing when you have a girl – you’re a man and you have a girl, it’s eye-opening. Cos I realise I’m the man in her life. And my relationship with my daughter is gonna affect her relationship with men for the rest of her life. And every man in here has dated a woman with some daddy issues. That shit ain’t fun, OK? She giving you a hard time over some shit her daddy did in 1969, OK? That shit ain’t never fun.

Sometimes I’m walking with my daughter, talking to my daughter, I’m looking at her in her stroller, and sometimes I pick her up and stare at her and I realise my only job in life… is to keep her off the pole. Keep my baby off the pole! They don’t grade fathers but if your daughter’s a stripper, you fucked up. Yeah. You went mighty wrong there, baby. You thought you had a household? No, you got a ho camp. I’m not making fun of the strippers cos some of these girls were abused. Some of them just missed a few hugs. Some of them were like, “Daddy, can we talk?” “Hey, I’m watching the game.” “I’ll show you! “I’m gonna dance naked to Mötley Crüe records. “I’m gonna change my name to Cinder Buns “and I’m gonna wear clear heels.”

When did clear heels become the new whore uniform? When did that happen? Was there a big old ho convention and all the hoes got together and said, “We need something new. “Something that just says ‘nasty’.” One girl said, “I got it! Clear heels!” “Ooh, girl, you disgusting. You all right.”
I got nothing against strippers. Somebody’s gotta do it. Somebody has to take on the monumental responsibility that the strippers do. Somebody’s gotta do it, somebody has to entertain the married men of America. Somebody has to do it. OK? Your wife, you know, your wife will take care of you but she ain’t gonna entertain you. Give your wife clear heels – “What the fuck is this shit? “Get this ho shit out my house. “Now wash your hands so you can eat.”

I got nothing against the strippers. But the strip clubs are very addictive. Not to me but to other people. They are addictive. Every guy in here got a friend that’s addicted to strip clubs. Addicted like heroin, OK? Addicted. You know those guys that cannot function in a normal club. You take ’em to a normal club, they ask one girl to dance – “Would you like to dance?” “Maybe later.” “Yo, man, let’s go to the titty bar. “Man, these bitches is stuck up, man. “I gave this bitch a dollar, she didn’t do nothing.” No. We all got those friends that’s addicted to strip clubs. You know those guys that go to the strip club in the daytime? If you at a strip club and the sun is out, you got some problems. You know those guys that eat at the strip club? Eat at the buffet. How the fuck could you eat at a nasty-ass strip club? What? Are you that hungry? Motherfucker, go to Mickey D’s or some shit. Rwandan refugees won’t eat that shit. At a damn strip club. Titties and Tater Tots don’t mix.

I got nothing against strippers. What I got a problem with is the stripper myth. You know the stripper myth. There’s a stripper myth that’s being perpetuated throughout society. The stripper myth is, “I’m stripping to pay my tuition.” No, you’re not. There’s no strippers at college. There’s no clear heels in biology. Shit, man. I didn’t know they had a college that only took one-dollar bills. And if they got so many strippers at college, how come I never got a smart lap dance? I never got a girl that sat on my lap and said, “If I was you, I would diversify my portfolio.” “You know, ever since the end of the Cold War, I find NATO obsolete.”

Now, I’m 39 years old, 39 years old. Yep. Some people are like, “Really?” Yeah. New Jack City‘s a long time ago. Now, I’m 39, right? And I still love rap music, I love rap music. You know, I love it! You know, I’m 39, I’m that age, I’ve been loving rap music forever. As I get older, I realise I’m gonna love rap music when I’m 80. Whatever music was playing when you started getting laid, you gonna love that music for the rest of your life. So I’m always gonna have a soft spot for Whodini, you know what I mean? Now I love rap music but I’m tired of defending it. You gotta defend rap music cos people always go, “That’s not music, that’s not art. “How can you listen to that garbage? How can you listen to that trash?” In the old days, it was easy to defend rap music. It was easy to defend it on an intellectual level. You could break it down intellectually why Grandmaster Flash was art, why Run DMC was art, why Whodini was art, and music. You could break it down intellectually, OK? And I love all the rappers today but it’s hard to defend this shit. It’s hard, man, it’s hard to defend “I got hoes in different area codes”. On an intellectual level. It’s hard to defend “Move, bitch, get out the way”. Well, as you can see, there’s a bitch in his way. Now he needs to move. Thus the term, “Move, bitch, get out the way”. You need to open yo eyes so you can get the bitches out of yo way.

My favourite song right now is impossible to defend. It’s impossible. We should all be ashamed of ourself for liking this fucking song. Lil Jon. You know that shit. To the window! To the wall! To the sweat drip from my balls! To the sweat drip from my balls! Skeet! Skeet! Skeet! Skeet! And you know what’s real wild? You go to a club, you see girls dance to that shit. To the sweat drip from my balls! To the sweat! To the sweat drip from my balls! My balls! I feel sorry for the guys that gotta pick a wife out of this bunch. “Daddy, where d’you meet Mommy?” “She was singing about balls at a club.” That’s why people always say rap music is misogynistic and it’s degrading to women. But what I realise, man, is women that like rap don’t give a fuck. Women that like rap don’t care what they saying. If the beat’s all right she will dance all night. Women don’t give a fuck. The nastier the better. I see girls on the floor dancing to the nastiest shit ever made. Just on the floor, like – Smack her with a dick. I’ll put a dick in the ear, a dick in the ear. Fuck her in the eye. Blind the bitch. And you know what’s wild? If you mention to a woman that the song is disgusting and misogynistic, they all give you the same answer – “He ain’t talkin’ ’bout me.” Smack her with a dick. I’ll put a dick in the ear. He said your name! “No, he didn’t.” Smack her with a dick.

Love rap music, tired of defending it, man. It’s weird with rap music because people either love it or hate it. Even the United States Government hates rap. The Government hates rap. You know why I say that? Cos they don’t arrest anybody that kills rappers. They don’t got no clues, no suspects. They don’t have shit when it’s a dead rapper. They don’t fill out a police report. They don’t even have a chalk line for a dead rapper. The cops just piss around the body. Smack her with a dick. If you wanna get away with murder, just shoot somebody in the head and put a demo tape in they pocket. “This is a rap killing, let’s get outta here.”

The Government hates rap. Look at all the rappers, all the dead rappers. I’m gonna list these motherfuckers, man.

Biggie Smalls, man. Biggie Smalls gunned down outside a party in Los Angeles. Now Biggie weighed about 400 pounds. So they had to shoot him for a while. There was some reloading in that drive-by. It’s like the bullet had to hit another bullet that went in before it… just to really do damage. They don’t got no clues, no suspects, a hamburger wrapper, nothing!

Jam Master Jay, man. Jay, man, I miss Jay. I miss that man. Gunned down in a recording studio in Queens, OK? They had surveillance footage of people coming in and out, they ain’t arrested nobody. It’s like the guy came in the studio, shot Jay, recorded an album, then left. They ain’t get nobody. No clues, no suspects, not a Odor-Eater, nothing!

Tupac Shakur, man. Tupac was gunned down on the Las Vegas Strip after a Mike Tyson fight. Now how many witnesses do you need to see some shit before you arrest somebody? Shit. More people saw Tupac get shot than the last episode of Seinfeld. And you know what’s fucked up? Every year, Tupac comes back from the dead, records a new album with clues in it… Every record got a clue if you listen real hard. “The brother in the red shot me dead.” Right there! Track four! Pac is trying to tell us something. Listen again! “It was a n i g g e r named Kevin.” Right there! Pac is reaching out to us. Listen!

The Government hates rap, man. And only rappers get gunned down like this. I’ll tell you right now, if Billy Joel, Elton John and David Bowie got shot, they’d have Bruce Springsteen’s house surrounded. The Government hates rap. Only the good rappers are dead, only the good ones. Biggie dead, Tupac dead, Vanilla Ice still alive.

The Government hates rap. You mean to tell me they can find Saddam Hussein in a fucking hole but you can’t tell me who shot Tupac? Shit. They found Saddam Hussein in fucking Iraq. Tupac got shot in Vegas! In fucking Vegas! Not on no side street, the motherfucker got shot on the Strip! In front of Circus Circus! Damn.

It’s all fucked up, the whole world’s fucked up, man. Michael Jackson lost his mind. What the hell is wrong with Michael? Another kid? I thought it was Groundhog’s Day when I heard that shit. Another kid? Get the fuck out of here. That’s how much we love Michael. We love Michael so much, we let the first kid slide. Hey, man, the man made Billie Jean, leave him alone. Another kid? I’m fucking done. I’m done with Michael! I was a fan my whole life, I am fucking done, I am handing in my glove, OK. I saw Michael on 60 Minutes. Ed Bradley tried his best to make Michael look like a mammal. Or somebody that drank water and breathed air, right? He gave Michael the easiest questions in the world, the easiest GED questions in the world, and Michael could not pass the test. It’s like, “Uh, Michael, “do you think it’s proper for a 45-year-old man “to sleep in a bed with 13-year-old boys?” “Yes!” “OK, let me rephrase that. “Would you let your children sleep in the bed of a 45-year-old man “that’s been accused of child molestation?” “Yes!” Ed Bradley looked at Michael Jackson like he wanted to say, “N i g g e r, is you crazy?” Like he wanted to take the 60 Minutes clock and push the shit forward, say, “Get the fuck off my show.” “I thought you said it was 60 minutes.” “It’s ten minutes, get outta here. “Ya nutty n i g g e r, what the fuck is wrong wit’ you?”

I’m done with Michael, man. You see Michael go to court 20 minutes late. What kind of black man gonna come to court 20 minutes late? This ain’t Barbershop 2. This is court, motherfucker. Shit. He don’t even wear a real suit to court, coming in there looking like Cap’n Crunch. Shit, who’s your lawyer? Franken Berry? Better take your black ass to Banana Republic and get you a decent suit. What the fuck is wrong with that boy? I’m done with Michael. Another kid? That’s like another dead white girl showing up at OJ’s house. And OJ going, “I know what you’re thinking…”

Michael Jackson going to jail. It’s gonna be a sad sight when Michael Jackson goes to jail. Oh, we gonna shed a tear when Michael Jackson go to jail. It ain’t even gonna be sad the day he go in. It’s gonna be sad like a month later when that perm grows out of his hair. The shit’s all nappy and grey. When his make-up’s all fucked up cos he don’t get the Crayola people to fix his face no more. That’s a fucking sad-ass sight. Remember we used to have arguments about who was better, Michael Jackson or Prince? Prince won.

Yeah, man, Michael went crazy, then Janet lost her damn mind, whipping out her titty on a Sunday afternoon. On a Sunday afternoon! What the fuck is wrong with this girl? This ain’t Déjà Vu. This ain’t Magic City, motherfucker. It’s the Super Bowl! A titty on a Sunday afternoon. People coming home from church, turn on the TV. “Oh, Lord!” A titty on a Sunday afternoon. And a 40-year-old titty at that. You can’t just whip out a 40-year-old titty. That’s yo man’s titty. That is yo man’s titty. 40-year-old titty – yo man’s titty. 20-year-old titty – community titty. That’s for all to see. The titty couldn’t even believe it was outside. It was like, “Oh, shit, what the fuck’s going on? “Close the door!”

Michael’s crazy, Janet lost her mind, now I gotta see Jermaine every week for the blow-by-blow. I thought I was done with Jermaine. I got the Do What You Did When You Did What To Me album. I thought I was done with Jermaine. Jermaine looked crazier than Michael. What the fuck is up with Jermaine? Is it me or is Jermaine the greasiest n i g g e r you ever seen in your life? What the fuck? My God, man! Does he spray Armor All on his face or some shit? Just greasy motherfucker, my God. Just glistening like Patrick Ewing in the fourth quarter. Just slimy. Just greasy, shiny motherfucker, my God. When Jermaine’s on the TV, I gotta wipe the grease off the screen. I can’t see shit – Jermaine must have been on. The police can’t even capture his ass cos he just slips out. The police are like, “Somebody throw some sand on that n i g g e r! Please!”

Jacksons lost they mind, R Kelly lost his mind and shit. What the fuck is wrong with R Kelly? He got a lot of balls, OK? Talk about, “It ain’t me!” Got a damn sex tape out. “It ain’t me.” Motherfucker, we know what you look like. That’s you, OK? There’s a damn Soul Train award right next to the bed! Best R & B ’98, that’s you! I can’t even believe R Kelly would come outside after this shit. At one point on the tape, R Kelly’s eating this girl’s ass out like it’s Puppy Chow. He’s in her ass like he’s got diabetes and her ass got insulin in it. Lookin’ like the movie 28 Days Later. R fucking Kelly, man. The whole world’s going crazy, man. Siegfried and Roy, the tiger bit the man in the head, and everybody’s mad at the tiger. Talk about the tiger went crazy. That tiger ain’t go crazy, that tiger went tiger! You know when the tiger went crazy? When the tiger was riding round on a little bike with a Hitler helmet on. “Oh, shit, I’m a crazy tiger. “Oh, Lord, I’m crazy. What is I gon’ do?”

Whole damn country’s all fucked up. We so desperate for entertainment everybody’s falling for this magician, David Blaine. What the fuck is this shit? Are we so desperate that we fall for a trickless magician? Where the fuck’s the trick? Cut a lady in half! Pull a rabbit out a hat! Do something. What’s his last trick? “I’m in a box… “and I ain’t gonna eat. “I’m in a box and I ain’t gonna eat.” That ain’t no trick, that’s called living in the projects.

Shit, man. Kobe Bryant lost his mind. What the fuck is Kobe thinking? What is on Kobe’s mind going to Colorado, around all these white people, and not bringing Johnnie Cochran? You gotta bring Johnnie to that shit. The girl’s still alive, Johnnie’ll knock this out in two weeks. “Is she breathing?” “Don’t worry about it.” Kobe wouldn’t miss a practice if he had Johnnie. What the fuck? It don’t look right, man. Some people are like, “If you hire Johnnie Cochran you look guilty.” Yeah, but you go home. What, you wanna look innocent in jail? I’d rather look guilty at the mall. Kobe might go to jail, you never know. A lot of people, “Oh, Kobe ain’t gonna go to jail cos Kobe’s cute and cuddly. “No, he’s cute and cuddly, he’s positive.” Yeah, Kobe looks cute and cuddly on TV cos when you see him he’s standing next to Shaq. But in real life Kobe’s like 6’9″, 6’10”. Shit, when he get to court, he gonna scare the shit out of them white people. They gonna look at him like he’s a big old black praying mantis. He gonna sit down at the witness stand, his knees gonna be up here. Put his hand on the Bible, it covers up the whole Bible.

And you see the girl, she came to court, she wasn’t fucking around. She looked nice. She got a nice pantsuit on, got her hair in pigtails. Yeah, she ain’t gonna have on no clear heels now, no. That’s right. She got on some comfortable flats. And some thick-ass stockings. The thickest fucking stockings you ever seen in your life. You gonna think she broke her leg, that’s how thick them stockings is. She gonna come in the court like this. “Your Honour, my stockings are fucking thick.”

A lot of people say, “Well, this is what Kobe gets for cheating. “He cheated and that’s what he gets. That’s what he gets.” I know some of you women been cheated on before. I know some of you… OK, fuck it, I’m sure most of you women been cheated on before. Some of y’all are with the guy that cheated on you right now. And the guys are like, “Would you shut the fuck up?” “Do some old shit, ‘toss my salad’, one of them.” No. Men are just low, ladies. Some women are like, “If I lost weight, he wouldn’t cheat. “If I was more beautiful, he wouldn’t cheat.” Yes, he would. He would. There ain’t nothing you can do, ladies. The only thing you can do to stop your man cheating… The women are like this… Only thing you can do… is be there. Where? There. Wherever he’s thinking about fucking her. Just be right there. And even then he still might lose yo ass. “Hey, honey, look, a sale! Let me go fuck this bitch right now.” Oh, man!

No. The beauty don’t matter. Kobe cheated on his wife and Kobe’s wife is fine. Kobe’s wife is gorgeous. My God! That’s a fuckin’ señorita out this motherfucker. A hot tamale out this motherfucker. Kobe’s wife is fine shit. I would trade my wife and two aunts for Kobe’s, man. I’ll throw in a cousin and my momma if I have to. Come on, Momma, we got to close this deal.

Don’t let all this celebrity news fool you right now. All this stuff going on in the news is just a trick to get yo mind off the war. That’s all it is. It’s a trick to get yo mind off the war. I think Bush sent that girl to Kobe’s room. Bush sent that girl to Kobe’s room, Bush sent that little boy to Michael Jackson’s house, Bush killed Laci Peterson. Bush was fucking Paris Hilton in that video. All to get yo mind off the war. Bush lied to me, they all lied to me. “We gotta go to Iraq cos they the most dangerous country on earth. “They the most dangerous regime in the world.” If they so dangerous, how come it only took two weeks to take over the whole fucking country? Shit. Man, you couldn’t take over Baltimore in two weeks. Get the fuck outta here. Looking for weapons of mass destruction. Can’t even find a Wiffle ball bat. Ain’t even a fucking fly-swatter yet. Give me something, shit! Attack, motherfucker. Let me get a fucking paper cut over that motherfucker. Nothing! Not a damn thing. “Weapons of mass destruction.”

They got whatshisname, they got Saddam Hussein, that’s cool. I was a little sad when they got Saddam. That’s kinda like the Coyote catching the Roadrunner. I guess Acme finally made some shit that worked. I didn’t even know we was after Saddam, I thought we was after Bin Laden. What the fuck happened? I thought we was after Bin Laden. Shit. When did Bin Laden give Hussein the baton of hate? When did he pass it on? “They hate me, they hate me… “they hate you! Run!” “Oh, shit.” Shit, man, when I heard we was after Hussein, I was like, “Really?” That’s so ’80s. The whole war seemed like a bad VH1 special. Hussein’s back and Bush is back and Cheney’s back and Paula Abdul’s back. Shit, before you know it, it’ll be Hammer time again. Stop. Hammer time.

No, when the war started, it was great. Brought out a lot of patriotism. Patriotism’s beautiful. But slowly but surely, the patriotism turned into hate-riotism. When the war started, it was great. People had their flags up. People screaming out “USA!” for no reason. You go to a baseball game, a football game, a basketball game, people are, “USA!” I’m like, “Hey, calm down. “That’s got a little German on it, don’t you think?” You know, people start freaking out. People got it… At first the war was cool. People got into this whole hate the French thing. I don’t understand that shit. “Fuck France, man. They don’t wanna help us out. “Don’t eat no French fries. Fuck the French, man. “Motherfuck France, fuck ’em, man.” Cos they wouldn’t help us out in the war. The United States is the biggest, most powerful country in the world. Why the fuck would anybody help us in the war? Would you help Mike Tyson beat up Urkel? Don’t make no sense!

But people started freaking out. The war was weird. On TV you’d see these weird white guys. Nobody here, you guys are OK. See these weird white guys getting overly patriotic and they have their fucking flag hats on and their flag drawers and their flag pick-ups. “I’m American, man, I’m American. “Fuck all these fucking foreigners. I’m American!” You’re like, “Hey, calm the fuck down.” There was a lot of accepted racism when the war started. “I’m American. Fuck all these foreigners.” And that was cool. Then it was, “I’m American. Fuck the French.” That was cool. “I’m American. Fuck all these Arabs.” And that was cool. Then they went to, “I’m American. Fuck all these illegal aliens.” Then I started listening. Cos I know n i g g e r s and Jews is next. It’s like, any day now!

That train’s never late! And people started screaming they was American. A lot of white people scream they American as if they got something to do with the country being the way it is. Like they was on the Mayflower or some shit. When you break it down, there ain’t even that many Americans in this room, contributing Americans. Check this out. If you a veteran, if you fought in any war for the United States, you are American. God bless all the veterans. Big up to the veterans. I can’t say nothing wrong about the veterans. OK? You American. Now if you swam here from some shitty country that didn’t allow you Bubblicious, you too are American cos you overcame obstacles and made sacrifices to actually get here. You are a true American, OK? You really are. Don’t let nobody tell you no different. Everybody else, you’re just lucky. You’re just lucky. All you crazy white people, “I’m American!” All you did was come out of your mother’s pussy on American soil. That’s it. You think you’re better than somebody from France cos you came out of a pussy in Detroit?

The whole country’s got a fucked up mentality, man. We all got a gang mentality. Republicans are fucking idiots, the Democrats are fucking idiots, conservatives are idiots and liberals are idiots. Anyone that makes up they mind before they hear the issue is a fucking fool, OK? Everybody… No, everybody’s so busy wanting to be down with a gang – “I’m a conservative, I’m a liberal.” It’s bullshit. Be a fucking person. Listen. Let it swirl around yo head. Then form yo opinion. No normal, decent person is one thing, OK? I got some shit I’m conservative about, I got some shit I’m liberal about. Crime, I’m conservative. Prostitution, I’m liberal. And they keep trying to scare us. Everybody’s trying to scare us. Telling us to be on the lookout for al-Qaeda. Like, “Where?” I ain’t scared of al-Qaeda. I’m from Brooklyn, I don’t give a fuck about al-Qaeda. Shit. Motherfucking al-Qaeda. Shit, did al-Qaeda blow up the building in Oklahoma? No. Did al-Qaeda put anthrax in your mail? No. Did al-Qaeda drag James Byrd down the street till his eyeballs popped out of his fucking head? No. I ain’t scared of al-Qaeda, I’m scared of Al Cracker. Cracker Al. Gotta look out for Cracker Al. He’s a dangerous motherfucker!

But American people, whenever you leave… I love my country, but whenever you leave, you find out people really hate America. It’s good sometimes. Cos we got so much shit, OK? America’s the only country in the world where people go hunting on a full stomach. It’s beautiful. That’s how good we got it. America’s a great country. But here’s the thing, people hate America cos we can’t make up our mind what we wanna be. America does good things, America does bad things, America does schizophrenic things. One cool thing America does, that I love, is we feed other countries. It’s beautiful that we feed other countries. Yes, it is! But we only feed them when they’re starving. Why can’t we feed them when they’re hungry? They didn’t just wake up with flies around their lips and bellies out to here. It took a while for shit to get that bad. And our government’s like, “Nah, wait for the flies. “Two more weeks. Wait for the flies. Come on, more flies!” And we send them food. Do we send them the good shit? No. What do we send them? Grain. Anybody here have grain today? Anybody going to McGrainies after the show? Why can’t we send them the good shit? Why can’t we send some Cheez Doodles, some Funyuns, some Twinkies? Why can’t we just pour some gravy on the people? Just get a big old vat of gravy and pour it out the helicopter. There you go. Drink up. Have some gravy. People going, “I love America! “It’s raining gravy!” Shit, give them a Whopper, it’s only 99 cents. Shit, we call ourselves humanitarians, meanwhile we’re dropping 50-pound sacks on 40-pound people.

But I love America, man. We got a lot of freedom in America. For instance, abortion’s legal. It’s beautiful that abortion’s legal, man. I love going to abortion rallies to pick up women. Cos you know they’ll fuck you. You ain’t gonna find a bunch of virgins at the abortion rally. You might even see some clear heels! “What you doing here, girl?” “Fucked up again.” The abortion issue, it’s a woman’s issue. A woman gets pregnant, she don’t wanna hear shit from the man. “Fuck you, I don’t need you, motherfuck you.” Unless she decides to have the baby. Then she’s like, “Where’s my cheque?” When a woman gets pregnant, it’s a choice between the woman and her girlfriends. A woman gets pregnant, her and her girlfriends get together, and they have a little abortion tribunal, and they vote on the baby like it’s Survivor. Each girlfriend puts in her two cents. One goes, “Child, you should have that baby. “That man got some good hair, it’s wavy, it’s wavy.” The other girlfriend goes, “Why are we talking about this? “Ain’t we going to Cancun next week? Get rid of that baby!” And that’s how life is decided in America. Now, fellas, if you get a woman pregnant, you’re only allowed to say two things. And guess what, fellas? You can’t even suggest abortion. If you say, “A”, you fucked up. You can’t even suggest abortion. Guess what, guys? You don’t wanna suggest abortion. If you suggest abortion and then she has the baby, when that kid’s about five, six years old, he gonna be cursing yo ass out. You go, “What’s up, little man? How you doing?” “I’m alive, that’s how the fuck I’m doing! “You wanted me dead, huh, bitch? “I’m alive, motherfucker. “I should bust a cap in yo ass.” You don’t need that drama. So do not suggest abortion. Now, fellas, if you get a woman pregnant, you only got two things to say. Two ways to try it on. Now, the first thing you can say is, “Wow, I can’t believe you’re pregnant. “I’m so happy. I can’t wait for you to have this baby. I love you so much.” I’ll try it again. “Wow, I can’t believe that you’re pregnant. “I’m so happy. I can’t wait to have this baby. “I love you so much.” That’s cool. Now, if you don’t wanna say that, you got one more choice. A woman walks in the room, tells you that she’s pregnant, you look her dead in the eye and you say… “So what you gonna do?”

Good, it ain’t just me. One thing I don’t like about America is we got real bad drug policy. Horrible drug policy. We got people in jail for getting high. For getting high, man. That’s fucked up, man. The Government says drugs are illegal because we’re trying to protect society. But they don’t give a fuck about yo safety, they sell guns at Wal-Mart, they don’t give a fuck about you. No, the Government’s like this – they don’t want you to use your drugs, they want you to use their drugs. So every night on TV you see a weird-ass drug commercial trying to get you hooked on some legal shit. And they just keep naming symptoms till they get one that you fucking got, OK? It’s like, “Are you sad? Are you lonely? You got athlete’s foot? “Are you hot? Are you cold? What you got? You want this pill, huh, motherfucker. “You got to take this pill.” They don’t even tell you what the pill does. You see a lady on a horse or a man in the tub. And they just keep naming symptoms. “Are you depressed? Are you lonely? Do your teeth hurt?” What the fuck? I saw a commercial the other day that said, “Do you go to bed at night “and wake up in the morning?” Shit they got one. I got that. I’m sick, I need that pill. The Government trying to get you hooked on some legal fucking shit. And that’s the truth, man. The reason coke and weed are illegal in America don’t got shit to do with yo safety. The reason that coke and weed are illegal in America is cos the best coke and weed ain’t made in America. If they made the good shit here, there’d be a coke and weed restaurant on every fucking corner. That’s right. Wouldn’t be no Starbucks, it’d be Weedbucks. McDonald’s, McCokeald’s. Uh, get me a Happy Meal and an eight-ball, thank you. Krispy Kreme, Kracky Kreme. That’s how good Krispy Kreme doughnuts are. Krispy Kreme doughnuts are so good, if I told you they had crack in it, you’d go, “I knew something was up. “I knew. These doughnuts are too damn good, man. “Got me knockin’ on the doughnut window at two in the morning. “Come on, man, open up, man. “Give me one more doughnut! I’ll do anything! “I’ll suck your dick!” That should be the new slogan for Krispy Kreme. Krispy Kreme – so good you’ll suck a dick. These are some good-ass doughnuts. You’d be mad if your kid ate your doughnuts. “You know what I had to do to get them doughnuts? Leave them alone! “Now I gotta go out and suck some more dick for doughnuts. “Kids will never learn, shit.”

No, man, the Government, they will never legalise drugs in America. OK, the first reason they will never legalise drugs in America is because the Government makes way too much money putting our brothers and sisters in fucking jail. That’s first of all. For bullshit. The second reason the Government will never legalise drugs in America is because, God forbid, some brown people got wealthy. Can’t have that. Cos drugs come from brown countries. We can’t have wealthy brown people. There are no wealthy black – or brown – people in America. We got some rich ones, we don’t got no fucking wealth. People go, “What’s the difference?” Here’s the difference. Shaq is rich. The white man that signs his cheque is wealthy. “Here you go, Shaq. Go buy yourself a bouncing car. “Bling-bling!” I’m not talking ’bout rich, I’m talking ’bout wealth, OK? I’m talking about the white family that owns all the Similac. Those rich motherfuckers. I’m talking about the white family that owns the colour blue. Those rich bastards. I ain’t talking ’bout Oprah, I’m talking ’bout Bill Gates, OK? If Bill Gates woke up tomorrow with Oprah’s money he’d jump out a fucking window. He’d slit his throat on the way down. “Ah, shit. “I can’t even put gas in my plane.” I’m not talking ’bout rich, I’m talking ’bout wealth. Cos wealth will set us fucking free, OK? Cos wealth is empowering. Wealth can uplift communities from poverty, OK? A white man gets wealthy, he builds Wal-Marts and makes other white people have some motherfucking money. A brother gets rich, he buys some motherfucking jewellery, OK? Do you know what the fuck I’m talking ’bout? I ain’t talking ’bout rich, I’m talking ’bout wealth. Wealth is passed down from generation to generation. You can’t get rid of wealth. Rich is some shit you can lose with a crazy summer and a drug habit. Fuck, Rick James was rich. One minute you’re singing Super Freak, the next you’re doing Old Navy commercials. “Give it to me, baby! Give me corduroy!” Not talking ’bout rich, I’m talking ’bout wealth.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not all white people’s fault that black and brown people don’t have any fucking wealth. Maybe – now just maybe – maybe if we didn’t spend all our money on rims we might have some… to invest. We don’t give a fuck, boy. Black people, we love rims. We will put shiny-ass rims on any piece of shit car in the world. We don’t give a fuck. A brother would put rims on a toaster if you’d let him. “Yo, man, I got some raisin toast sittin’ on 22s. “22s! Look at the motherfuckers, look at ’em! “And they spinnin’, look at they spinnin’! “They spinnin’, look at they spinnin’!”

We don’t give a fuck. Money’s new to black people. We the most money-wasting motherfuckers on the face of the earth. We spend money like we think the shit’s gonna rot. Brothers riding around with TVs in the headrests of the car. The TVs is on and ain’t nobody in the back seat. I ain’t talking ’bout rich, I’m talking ’bout wealth.

Now, when it comes to acquiring a fortune, when it comes to acquiring wealth in the United States of America, different people have gone about it in different ways. There’s a saying about wealth, there’s a saying about fortunes, and the saying is, “Behind every great fortune there’s a great crime.” And some of the richest, most powerful people in the United States are the descendants of drug dealers. Kennedys, Brockmans, it’s all drug money. They call it bootlegging but that’s just a white word that means drug dealing. They didn’t sell boots, they sold the crack of their day, OK? They killed cops and kids, and that’s cool, good for them. Now… when it’s time for other people to come up and acquire wealth the rules change. One of the number one rules when it comes to acquiring wealth goes like this. The rule is, only the white man can profit from pain. Only the white man can profit from pain. So if you’re black or brown, you can make money and prosper and get rich in America. But whatever you decide to do, it better be positive. Cos if one person is harmed, you will be destroyed, OK? Every now and then Oprah has a show where she’s just giving away money. You know why? She’s trying to keep the Feds off her back.

Only the white man can profit from pain, OK? White man makes alcohol, tastes great, I love it, you love it, we all love it. Kills motherfuckers every single day, OK? Some of y’all ain’t even gonna make it home tonight cos of alcohol. Driving home, “That Chris Rock sure is funny. “Oh, shit!” But it’s all right cos it’s all white. White man makes cigarettes. Cigarettes are the most dangerous product known to man. Kills motherfuckers every fucking day. Cigarettes are so dangerous, it kills motherfuckers that don’t smoke! That’s how fucking dangerous cigarettes are. That’s right. First-hand smoke, second-hand smoke, people talking into machines. “Hey, what’s up, man? “I love cigarettes. This shit is good.” But it’s all right cos it’s all white. Shit, could you imagine if the Philip Morris family was a bunch of jheri-curled n i g g e r s from Mississippi. Do you know how illegal a pack of cigarettes would be? You would get 60 years for a pack of Newports. But it’s all right cos it’s all white. That’s right. White man makes guns, nobody gives a fuck. White man makes guns, kids shoot up each other in schools, nobody gives a fuck. White man makes guns, no problem. Black rapper says “gun”, Congressional hearing. Like, “My God, that n i g g e r said gun! “And he rhymed it with fun!” And that’s why people hate America… the hypocrisy of our democracy, OK? That’s why they hate America.

But let me tell you right now, the number one reason people hate America, the number one reason, is because of our religion. Americans worship money. We worship money. Separate God from school, separate God from work, separate God from Government, but on your money it says, “In God we trust”. All my life I’ve been looking for God and he’s right in my pocket. Americans worship money. And we all go to the same church – the church of ATM. Everywhere you look, there’s a new branch popping up, reminding you about how much money you got or how much money you don’t got. And if you got less than $20, the machine won’t even talk to you. The machine’s like, “You better go see a teller.” You ever go to a teller and try to take out $8.50? It’s disgusting. Man, you gotta wait on that long-ass line. People doing real transactions in front of you. You get up to the fucking front, fill out your form. Eight-fifty. The fucking teller looks at it, she looks at you, she looks at the chit. She don’t even take the money out the drawer, she take it out her pocket. “Wastin’ my time. Get the fuck outta here, shit.” I think every bank should have a box of ones by the door for they broke-ass customers. I don’t need free checking, I need lunch money. Trying to buy me some pork fried rice, man. Here’s the other thing, man. Drugs are illegal but ATM machines are open 24 hours a day. 24 hours a day. For who? Who the fuck is it open for? Have you ever taken out $300 at four o’clock in the morning for something positive? Shit, when you press that machine at four o’clock in the morning, I think a psychiatrist should pop up on the screen and go, “Come on, man. “Save your money, man. “Don’t buy drugs, buy some rims.” “They spinnin’, look at they spinnin’! They spinnin’! “They spinnin’, look at they spinnin’!” Americans worship money. Shit, you know why banks are closed on Sunday? Cos if they wasn’t church’d be empty.

Now, I love America, man, I must say. I love America. I got to say, America is the greatest country in the world, OK? It’s the greatest country in the world. In the whole world. It’s the best place. There’s no place I’d rather be or be from. And we are all lucky to be here. Everybody in this room, lucky to be here. Even black people, lucky to be here. But if you black, you gotta look at America a little different. If you black, America’s like the uncle that paid your way through college but molested you. You gotta forgive, right? You gotta forgive. What’s the biggest issue in America right now? The most divisive issue in America is affirmative action. A lot of people think it’s to do with the ’60s, the back of the bus, separate lunch counters. No. When you see footage of the ’60s, see black people, see us getting sprayed down, dogs getting sicked on us, little girls getting burnt up in churches, that’s just white people being nice. Nicer than they was in the ’50s, ’40s, and ’30s. Shit, there’s black people that died in the ’30s that was looking down from heaven in the ’60s going, “Man, them n i g g e r s got it good.” No, affirmative action was put into place to offset policies that the United States Government implemented during slavery that affect us today. When I talk about slavery, I’m just talking about a period of time where black people had no rights. So you’re talking about the 1600s to about 1964. You know, give or take a year, depending on when yo town decided to act right.

People go, “What happened during slavery that could affect us today?” A lot of shit happened during slavery that affects us every day. For instance, during slavery, they used to take the biggest, strongest slaves and breed them and try their best to make big, strong super-slaves, OK? That’s right. And there’s evidence of that today. Like the NFL, for instance. NFL stands for N i g g e r Fucking Large. They bred the slaves, and this is why black people dominate every physical activity in the United States of America. We’re only 10%% of the population, we’re 90%% of the Final Four, OK? We fucking dominate all this shit, OK? Basketball, baseball, football, boxing, track, even golf and tennis. As soon as they make a heated hockey rink, we gonna take that shit too. Motherfuck Wayne Gretzky. Wait till you see Lebron on some skates. You ain’t seen shit yet. He just gonna have one skate, chilling, “What’s up?” He ain’t gonna have a stick. He gonna smack the puck with his dick. Slapshot bi-atch! So that’s what they did to the big, strong slaves.

And you know what they did to the smart ones? Or at least the ones they thought were smart. They killed them. That’s what they did. That’s right. That was the policy of the United States Government, to kill smart black people. That’s right. So the real smart motherfuckers had to hide the fact that they were smart. The law of the land was, if you read, you die. If you read, fucking die, OK? So you know what that means? The first black drug dealers didn’t even sell drugs. They sold books. “Yo, man, I got two pages, man, got two pages, man, check it out, man. “Yo, man, I got a word, check it out, man, I got a new word. “I got a new word, man. It’s new, man, it’s new, man.” So think about the poor slaves that could read but had to hide it. Think about the poor slaves that could read but was scared to teach they kids to read for fear they’d be killing they kids. Think about the poor slave who used to drive the buggy into town every day. Used to drive the buggy. He’s driving the buggy – and he could read. And up ahead he sees a real busy intersection. He’s driving the buggy. And then he sees a stop sign. Now he’s got a real dilemma. “Oh, Lor, “what is I gon’ do? “Oh, Lor, what is I gon’ do? “OK, if I go across this intersection, “I’m-a have a accident. “If I stop at this sign, these crackers’ll kill me. “Oh, Lor, what is I gon’ do?” And he don’t know. And he’s riding the buggy. He says, “Fuck it,” and goes through the intersection. He has a big old accident, wipes out. Wipes out, almost kills somebody. And the police come. “N i g g e r, what’s wrong with you? What the fuck is wrong with you? “You could’ve killed somebody, n i g g e r. You see that stop sign?” “I don’t know what you talking ’bout, sir.” “N i g g e r, you see that stop sign right there?” “Do you mean that octagon thing? “N i g g e r, who taught you octagon?”

Don’t get me wrong with affirmative action. I don’t think I should get a job over a white person if I get a lower mark in a test. I don’t think I should get accepted into a school over a white person if I get a lower mark. But if there’s a tie, fuck ’em. Shit, you had a 400-year head start, motherfucker. White man, you gonna be all right. You know, a lot of people say, “If you’re the smartest and the brightest, “you won’t need affirmative action, if you strive to be the smartest and the brightest.” They say that as if the country is run by the smartest and the brightest. I was in black schools and white schools so you can’t tell me shit. When you go to a class, there are 30 kids. Five smart, five dumb, and the rest are in the middle. And that’s all America is – a nation in the middle. A nation of B and C students, that’s all the fuck it is. A nation of B and C students. But let’s keep it fucking real, OK? A black C student can’t run no fucking company. A black C student can’t even be the manager of Burger King. Meanwhile, the white C student just happens to be the President of the United States of America.

Other people got they problems right now in America. What’s the other big issue in America right now? Should gays be allowed to marry? The beautiful thing about the gay marriage issue is it’s the absolute only issue the President will answer. The President don’t give a fuck, he will give you a straight answer on gay marriage. “Mr President, when’s the war gonna end?” “Well, we’re talking to people, we’re looking for stuff, it’s out there, “you never know how it’s gonna end.” “Mr President, when’s the economy gonna pick up?” “Well, we’re talking to people, “and economic indicators indicate that indications are coming to the indicator.” “Mr President, what about gay marriage?” “Fuck them faggots.” Damn, that’s some harsh shit. People always say, we can’t have gay marriage cos marriage is a sacred institution that happens in the church. It’s sacred! No, it’s not. Marriage ain’t sacred. Not in America. Not in the country that watches Who Wants To Marry A Millionaire? And The Bachelorette and Who Wants To Marry A Midget? Get the fuck outta here. Shit. Gay people got a right to be as miserable as everybody else. Get the fuck outta here. Michael Jackson got married. How fucking sacred is that shit?

But I’m married. It’s a beautiful thing, man. And I don’t cheat. I don’t. No. Not because I’m a great husband, just cos I’m tired of getting caught. Gotta put the girls in the mistress protection programme. From now on your name is Carol. If anybody calls you Lisa, ignore ’em. OK, Lisa? “OK.” Bitch, you gonna get us killed! The fuck is wrong with you? You won’t last five minutes on the streets. Now I don’t cheat, man. Another big reason I don’t cheat is cos I never meet any girls that wanna fuck me. I’m just not that celebrity. I don’t bring it out of them. Women see Denzel Washington, they go, “I’m gonna fuck him.” They start kicking off shoes soon as they see his ass. Women see me, occasionally they wanna fuck me, but when women wanna fuck me, they get real practical about it. They go, “You know what? I bet you if I fucked Chris Rock, “I could get him to pay my Visa bill.” I have paid so many college loans in my day. I have put more girls through school than the United Negro College Fund. Shit, I should’ve had my own dorm at Howard. “And this is the Chris Rock Cafeteria. “Chris loves sloppy joes!”

Yes, I’m married, and bored out of my fucking mind. But it’s a beautiful thing, a beautiful thing. If you’re in a good relationship, chances are you’re bored out of your fucking mind. All good relationships are boring. The only exciting relationships are bad ones. You never know what’s gonna happen tomorrow in a bad relationship. You never know when you’re gonna walk in and go, “Hey, you gave me crabs!” That’s exciting. I wonder what tomorrow’s gonna bring. And those are the choices you got in life. You can be married and bored or single and lonely. Ain’t no happiness nowhere. Married and bored or single and lonely. That’s right. Marriage is some boring-ass shit. Once you get married, you gotta hang around other married people and that’s just disgusting. You ever go to dinner with six neutered adults? A bunch of women talking about Diaper Genies and hair colouring. “You know, if you leave it in too long it stings.” Shut the fuck up. A bunch of men talking about barbecue grills and routes to work. “Sometimes I take the highway but if it’s backed up, I got some side streets “that get me there in half the time. Check it out. “L-95 is clear sometimes…” Shut the fuck up! I hate married people. It’s fucking disgusting. If you go to eat dinner with single people, single people eat for an hour and 30 minutes and leave, cos they got fucking to do. Married people close down a restaurant. They start ordering coffee and dessert. Start talking to the architect. “I like the thing you put right there.” Start talking to the cook. “What’s in the tea?” “Water, bitch! “Hurry up, we got a lot of not fucking to do. “If you hurry up, we can not fuck all night.” I hate married fucking people, man. And, fellas, once you get married, you become your wife’s pet. You become a fucking pet. Cos women like to get they husbands together that don’t even know each other, and have like a grown man play date. Put you in a room with some other married motherfucker and go, “He likes baseball just like you.” And you’re in some room with some fucking stranger going, “I like baseball.” “I like baseball too. Yeah.” “Yeah, baseball, good.” “Yeah.” “Honey, who the fuck is this? “Get me the fuck out of here, I don’t need no new friends. “If you wanna help me out, introduce me to a girl.”

I hate married people, man. Whenever I go out with other married couples, I like to bring a single crackhead. Just to spicen up the activities. Come on, tell us some of your cracky tales, please. Married and bored, single and lonely. The problem with relationships, people want too much. Everybody’s looking for a soul mate. “We’re soul mates, we’re one, we’re soul mates. “I’m a Pisces, he’s Aquarius, we’re perfect. We’re soul mates, it’s incredible. “His moon is my star and it’s a soul mate. “We complete each other and finish each other’s sentences. “The other day I said, ‘Honey, it’s gonna rain,’ and he said rain too! “It’s amazing! It’s like we’re telekinesic, we’re telekinesic. “It’s incredible, my God.” Nobody gets a soul mate. It don’t happen. Nobody. Not even James Brown, the godfather of soul, he don’t even get a soul mate, as we all saw a couple of weeks ago. James Brown looking like Nick Nolte. Like, he put the good foot in her ass. Nobody gets a soul mate. All you gonna get in life if you lucky is a mate. Just a mate. Somebody you fuck, go to movies with. You fuck, go to another movie. You fuck, go to a comedy show. You fuck, go to your grandmomma’s house. You fuck, go to your momma’s house. You fuck, go see another movie. Somewhere in between fucking and movies, he goes, “Wanna get something to eat?” That’s all relationships are, they ain’t that complicated. It’s fucking and eating. If you don’t like fucking somebody and you don’t like eating with them, y’all don’t need to be together. And the longer you’re with somebody, it’s more eating and less fucking. You don’t remember the last time you fucked but you know you had rice and beans on Wednesday. You’re never gonna get a soul mate, the perfect person. You’re never gonna meet somebody that loves Seinfeld and the Wu Tang Clan. It ain’t happening. Even if you meet the perfect person, it ain’t gonna be the perfect time. You’re married, they’re single. That’s right. You’re Jewish, they’re Palestinian. You’re Mexican, they’re a raccoon. You’re a black woman, he’s a black man. There’s always a obstacle in the way. You’re never gonna meet the perfect person, it’s never gonna happen, OK?

Every now and then, God likes to play practical jokes on people. God will send you on a double date with the perfect couple. You ever been out with the perfect couple? Ever made the mistake of going on a double date with a couple that’s actually in love? You in the middle of your bullshit relationship. And you sit down with two people that’s in love. You can’t even eat your food cos you can’t believe what the fuck you are witnessing. You got a fork in your hand, you’re like, “Oh, shit. “He’s really listening to what she’s got to say. “They really like being around each other. “Man, we can’t hang with them no more. They gonna break us up!” “Can’t let these happy motherfuckers fuck up my life. No way!”

See, the thing is, men, we are ill-prepared when it comes to relationships. We are ill-prepared. That’s right. You would think by now women would rule the world. You would think women would rule the world. But they don’t! They don’t. You know why? Cos women hate women. Women hate women. You do. You get any two girlfriends in this room, been girlfriends for 25 years, you put a man in between them, “Fuck that bitch.” Women hate women. Guys are not like that. Guys actually think there’s other fish in the sea. If a guy introduces his boy to his new girlfriend, when they walk away, his boy goes, “Man, she’s nice. I gotta get me a girl like that.” If a woman introduces her new man to her girlfriend, when they walk away, her girlfriend goes, “I gotta get him. “And I will slit that bitch’s throat to do it.” Shit, every woman in here got a girlfriend they don’t trust around they man. A good girlfriend too. “I’ll go shopping with her “but I ain’t gonna leave that bitch with my man for five minutes.” I remember one time, one time I was in a restaurant, me, my wife, her girlfriend. My wife said, “I’m going to the bathroom.” I say, “OK, I’ll see you when you get back.” She said, “No, you coming with me.” And she made me come with her. And she did the right thing cos I’d have fucked the girl. I’d have fucked her on the quesadilla, I don’t give a fuck. Nah, man.

But one thing I learned, man, once you get married, fellas, women wanna be responsible for all your happiness. All your happiness. You got that? Not some of it. All of it. Fellas, you ever have your woman catch you jerking off? Ever have your woman catch you jerking off? Did she get mad at you, even though she wasn’t thinking about fucking you? Here’s the real deal, she ain’t mad you was jerking off. She’s mad you was making yourself happy. “How dare you make yourself fucking happy? “I’m in charge of happiness in this house. You’ll be miserable till I fucking say so. “Take your hands out yo pockets!” Another thing with women, one thing about women, women hate for you to expect anything. Don’t expect shit. A woman can cook for you every day for five years. Every day food is on the table, every day at 7:49, every day. The day you come home, there ain’t no food, and you ask nicely, “Honey, where’s the food?” “What am I, your fuckin’ maid? “You need to learn how to cook for yourself, you stupid motherfucker.” So, fellas, in order to avoid this, what you gotta do is act super-nice every time she does anything. No matter how little it is, make a big deal out of it. If she pour you some water, you gotta go, “Wow, water! “Get outta here. You’re incredible! You’re so smart!” She fucking folds a napkin. “Wow, look at that! You’re incredible.” You gotta treat ’em like retarded kids, OK? Man. That’s right. Married and bored, single and lonely. That’s right, guys.

Here’s the thing – when you’re married, you wanna kill your spouse. When you’re single, you wanna kill yourself. Better her than me. Anybody in this room that’s ever been in love will testify to this shit. If you haven’t contemplated murder, you ain’t been in love. If you haven’t seriously thought about killing the motherfucker, you ain’t been in love. If you haven’t had a can of rat poison in your hand and looked at it for 45 minutes straight, you ain’t been in love. If you haven’t bought a shovel and a bag and a rug to roll they ass up in, you ain’t been in love. If you haven’t practised your alibi in front of the mirror… you ain’t been in love. The only thing that stopped you from killing this motherfucker was an episode of CSI. Man, they thorough. I’d better make up, they might catch my ass. That’s right, man. See, relationships are hard. But in order for any relationship to work, both people have to be on the same page. Both people have to have the same focus. And we all know what that page is, what that focus is. In order for the relationship to work, both people have to have the same focus, and the focus is all about her. It’s all about her. She’s already there, fellas, she’s waiting for you to come aboard. Fellas, when you wake up in the morning, you should look yourself in the mirror and say, “Fuck you. “Fuck your hopes, fuck your dreams, fuck your plans, “fuck everything you thought this life was gonna bring you. “Now let’s go out there and try and make this bitch happy.” Yes. It’s all about her, fellas. Say yes to everything. Everything. Everything you can afford, say yes to. Just say yes. Before she even gets it out of her fucking mouth. “Honey, can…” Yes. “Honey, I…” Yes. Just get a stamp. Yes. Another thing, fellas – don’t argue. You cannot win. You cannot beat a woman in an argument, it’s impossible. You will not win, cos men, we are handicapped when it comes to arguing cos we have a need to make sense. Women ain’t gonna let a little thing like sense fuck up they argument. Cos she not in it for sense, she’s in it for distance and irritation. “How long can I talk before this motherfucker snaps?” They want you to shake the shit out of them till you hear the cops coming. “Motherfucker, I’m serious! “Oh, shit, let me get the fuck outta here.” That’s right. And like I said, try your best to make her happy. Try your best.

But here’s one thing nobody tells you. You can’t make a woman happy. It’s impossible. I’ve never met a happy woman in my life. Women are always complaining about something. Women like to complain, women save up shit to complain about. “He don’t even know I know but I’m gonna get his ass on that shit next month.” They like fucking complaining. They love it. No matter what you do, she’ll be mad. You can fuck a woman with a diamond dick and make her come ten times, she’ll still complain. “Why’d you make me come so hard? “This diamond dick is cloudy. “Why didn’t you go to Tiffany’s? You’re so fucking cheap.” No matter what you do, your woman is mad at you. If you work all the time, “Why you work all the time? You ain’t never home. “You always leavin’ me. I hate this shit.” If you home all the time, “Why you all up under me? “Let me get some fucking room to breathe. “Damn, stop sweatin’ me. I hate this shit.” If you make more money than her. “Fuck you. I wanna make decisions too. “You ain’t my fucking daddy, I don’t need you to take care of me. “I hate this shit.” If she makes more money than you, “You broke motherfucker. “You never have no fucking money. Fuck this shit. “I don’t wanna make all these decisions. I need to be taken care of. “I hate this shit. I can’t take it.” And the number one reason your woman’s always mad, fellas, the number one reason your woman is pissed the fuck off… cos you ain’t her first choice. Fellas, you ever catch your woman just looking at you but not saying nothing? In her mind, she’s thinking, “How did I end up with this ugly motherfucker? “Lord, this motherfucker’s ugly and stupid. “I had a good man and I blew it. “Damn, Lord, kill my man. Kill him, please. “Kill him while I still look good enough to get something new. “Please kill this motherfucker now. Strike him! “If you out there, Lord, strike this motherfucker dead.”

Nothing gets you ready for marriage, man. Nothing. Nobody. Nothing gets you ready for marriage. Nobody tells you that once you get married, you will never fuck again. If you like fucking, marriage ain’t for you. Shit, I haven’t fucked in seven years. I’ve had intercourse. Intercourse is when she gets out of the shower on the nice sheets. Fucking’s in the back of a rental car when your woman’s going, “Come on, get some!” Nobody gets you ready for that shit. Nobody tells you that once you get married, you will never get pussy again. If you like pussy, marriage ain’t for you. I haven’t had pussy in seven years. I’ve had vagina. I hate vagina. I came out of a vagina. As soon as I got out, I said, “Man, I got to get me some pussy.” See, they don’t prepare you. They don’t tell you married women don’t have pussies. Married women have vaginas. If you go to a wedding and the woman’s throwing the bouquet, she ain’t throwing the bouquet, she’s throwing the pussy. “I won’t be needin’ this no more.” And the woman that catches it is gonna get married cos now she got two pussies. You gotta marry the two-pussy girl. But it ain’t just men that lose out on marriage. Women, you lose out too. Women, once you get married, he will never lick your pussy again. Pussy, vagina, whatever the fuck you wanna call it. He will never lick it again. I see some married women with tears in they eyes right now. He will never lick your pussy again. Forever ever. “Forever ever?” Forever ever. He will never lick your pussy again. That’s right. Don’t get me wrong, he’ll give it one coat. But he ain’t gonna put the finish on it like he used to. He used to put a spit-shine on your pussy. You had to put on shades just to look at your pussy. Put a little sticker next to your pussy – “objects in pussy may appear closer than they actually are.” Nobody gets you ready for this shit. That’s right, fellas, once you get married, no more blow jobs. If you like blow jobs, marriage ain’t for you. I haven’t had a blow job in seven years. I’ve had fellatio. When you’re single, you get the best blow jobs in the world, 8, 12, 15 minutes straight like the girl’s auditioning on your dick, like she’s giving your dick a second opinion, like she’s going for her scuba licence. You get married, every married man I know gets the same lazy-ass blow job. It’s like three licks. “Is it hard? Put it in. I gotta fold these clothes.” What kind of lazy-ass blow job is this shit? If we was at a restaurant I would send it back. Waiter, this blow job ain’t ready yet.

Yo, marriage is tough, man. Marriage is real fucking tough. Marriage is so tough, Nelson Mandela got a divorce. Nelson Mandela got a fucking divorce. Nelson Mandela spent 27 years in a South African prison, got beaten and tortured every day for 27 years, and did it with no fucking problems. Made to do hard labour in 100-degree South African heat for 27 years, and did it with no problems. He got out of jail, after 27 years of torture, spent six months with his wife and said, “I can’t take this shit no more!” I’m outta here. Y’all take care. Thank you! Best show ever. It was hilarious. Once you get married, life is over. No more blow jobs! I’m telling you, don’t get married. I’ll come and see him again. My dimples hurt, I laughed so hard. See? I just pissed on myself. What a great show! That was great. I really enjoyed it, it was wonderful. Great show.


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