Chris Rock: Kill The Messenger – London, New York, Johannesburg (2008) – Transcript

Chris Rock: Kill the Messenger is Chris Rock's fifth HBO comedy special. It was edited together from three performances: one at the HMV Hammersmith Apollo in London, one at the Apollo Theater in New York City, and one at the Carnival City Casino in Johannesburg.

What’s up? Yeah! Yeah! What’s up, Johannesburg? What’s up, New York? What’s up, London? Ah! Yes, I’m in Jo’burg! I finally made it! Whoo! Now let’s hope I make it the fuck out of here. Cos it is violent right about now! And I ain’t talking about the jungle. Man, oh, man, it’s good to be here, man! It is so good to be here. The first time I’m ever playing Africa. Africa, first time playing Africa, South Africa.

I was on safari with my family, out there taking pictures of the animals. And you’re driving around, and you got this guy what you call the tracker. The tracker is amazing cos you just driving around and the tracker goes, “Stop, stop, stop, stop.” And you stop the jeep and he leans down and puts his finger in some piss. He’s like… “15 miles to the right should be zebra.” And you get there and there’s zebra! There’s zebra! Wow! Zebra! And you drivin’ some more and “Stop, stop, stop.” Then he leans down and picks up a little shit pellet and… “Mmm! Ah! Mmm…” “13 miles to the left, rhinoceros.” And you get there and there’s a rhino right there! You’re like, “How the fuck’s he do this shit?” And it was beautiful. I’m out there taking pictures of the rhino, I took the pictures of the zebra. And I was having a good time and I’m out there with my family and I felt great, till I looked over at another jeep and I saw a bunch of white people taking pictures of me. I didn’t see a… Hey, I ain’t no animal! But they had a tracker tracking my black ass. Evidently, I musta dropped some chicken or su’um at another spot, and they’re like, “Ah, chicken bone. 13 miles to the left, n i g g e r s will be there.”

This is a crazy time, man. This is the time to be onstage. This is the time to do a special, man. Cos this is a special time. A lot’s going on right now, that’s right. Big election year in the United States. It ain’t your election, but you paying attention. You damn right you are. That’s right. George Bush has fucked up so bad… he made it hard for a white man to run for president. People are like, “Give me a black man, a white woman, “a giraffe, a zebra, anything but another white man! “That last one fucked up my roof.” Now who do we have running for president? Who the hell is running for president? We got two guys, man. We got John McCain. John McCain, 72 years old. He was too old 10 years ago. 72! He’s so old, he used to own Sidney Poitier. Come on, man. I don’t need a president with a bucket list. 72 years old! My God. How many 72-year-old people did you see today just doing shit? 72… Old people don’t even use old people to do shit. Seventy-fuckin’-two. Two! You see he hired his nurse to be his vice president too. What the fuck is on her mind? Sarah Palin, out there shooting mooses and shit, and holding up the moose and shit. I see her holding a dead moose, I’m like, “What the fuck is Michael Vick in jail for?” She shot a moose! What the fuck? My God! John McCain, how you gonna make decisions about the future when you ain’t gonna be here? He’s old! The motherfucker’s too old. When you die at 72, no matter what you die of, it’s natural causes. Even if you get hit by a truck, it’s natural causes. Cos if you was younger, you’d have got out the way.

Then, you know, you got a real choice, man, Barack or McCain. They tryin’ to… McCain just got that old story. This motherfucker been telling the same story for 40 fuckin’ years. He a war hero. He a war hero. He a war hero… that got captured. There’s a lot of guys in jail that got captured. Shit. Fuck that. I don’t want to vote for nobody that got captured. I want to vote for the motherfucker that got away.

That’s what we got, man. So who’s he running up against? Barack Obama. Barack Obama, man. Barack Obama! Yes! Black man! With a black name. I know it ain’t that black here, but in America, that’s about as black as a name could get. Barack Obama. That’s right next to Dekimbe Mutombo. That’s right, Barack, man, he don’t let his blackness sneak up on you. If his name was Bob Jones or something, it might take you two or three weeks to realise he black. But as soon as you hear “Barack Obama”, you expect to see a brother with a spear… just standing on top of a dead lion. Barack Obama! You expect to see the bass player from The Commodores come out. I’m not talking about Lionel Richie. I’m talking about them shining n i g g e r s behind him. Barack Obama. We ain’t never seen a brother like Barack Obama. Nice-looking brother, young. Young! Every time I see Barack, I’m like, “So when you getting back with New Edition?” This young brother. My God. And Barack is so calm and cool. Sometimes I think he doesn’t even realise he’s the black candidate. Like he thinks he could win this thing fair and square. Like he thinks having the most votes is gonna mean su’um. Shit! They will change this whole system on his black ass overnight? You better ask the Indians about white men and rules. They will change all this shit. With a straight face too. “Hey, man, you got the most votes. “Too bad you lost. “That’s how we used to do it. Ha-ha! “We don’t really count votes that much no more.” They don’t give a fuck, boy. And they in Barack’s ass. Whoever Barack know is being investigated. If you know Barack Obama, they are tapping your phone right now. They are in your ass. And that’s where McCain has the advantage cos all his friends are dead.

Yeah, man, but this whole election is so… is so weird. Just the way they report on it, the way they cover it. Everything’s so racial, racial, racial. “How many white people are voting? How many working-class white people? “How many white people over 4’8″ are voting for Obama?” You know? And the crazy thing is, whenever white people vote for Barack Obama, which is a lot of the time, they go, “Well, you know, they listened to the issues “and they felt Obama spoke to their issues. “They went over the issues, they weighed the pros and cons, “and they felt that Obama spoke to their issues.” And whenever black people vote for Barack, they go, “Well, they black, he black, I guess that’s why.” Like we don’t even have names on our ballots and shit. Like it’s just scratch ‘n’ sniff on our ballots. Like it’s just pictures of milkshakes. “No. Strawberry? No, chocolate! Chocolate. “I vote chocolate. That’s what I want.”

Don’t get me wrong. Don’t get me wrong. We are very excited about Barack Obama. Black people are very excited about Barack Obama. But we’re not just voting for him cos he’s black. We’re voting for him because he’s black and qualified. That’s why we’re voting for the motherfucker, yeah! That’s… That’s why we behind him. You know, it’s not like we’re voting for Flavor Flav. Yeah, boy! Flavor Flav! I love Flavor. Loved him for 20 years. I love the Flavor Of Love show. I think it’s quite entertaining. But Flavor Flav must be killed. In order for black people to truly reach the promised land, Flavor Flav has to be shot. These are important times. We got a black man running for president. We don’t need a n i g g e r with a fucking clock around his neck and a Viking hat on his head. Not this year, Flavor. Put a suit on, n i g g e r. Put a suit on! Not this year, Flav. Not this year. No, no, no.

But we’re very… We’re very, very, very excited, man. I’ll tell you this right now, white people that are here. If Barack Obama wins, if you have any activity in your life that involves black people that is supposed to happen the day after election day, it will not get done. Election day’s a Tuesday. That Wednesday, don’t schedule no black shit. Like, if you gotta fly, ain’t nobody carrying your bags. You got to get your own motherfuckin’ bag. We got a black president, motherfucker. Shit.

It’s going to be hard for Barack Obama to be president, man. Cos Barack Obama has to overcome a handicap that the other candidate does not have to overcome. That’s right. It’s gonna be hard for Barack Obama to be president because Barack Obama has a black wife. And I don’t think a black woman can be first lady of the United States. Yeah, I said it. I said it in Johannesburg, I said it. I said it in London, England, I said that shit. I said it at the Apollo Theater, I said that shit. I don’t believe a black woman can be first lady. You know why? Cos a black woman cannot play the background of a relationship. Don’t get me wrong – a black woman could be president with no problem. First lady? Too much shutting up in that job. Can you imagine telling your black wife that you president? “Honey, I won. I’m president.” “No! We president. “And I want my girlfriends in the cabinet. “I want Kiki to be Secretary of Defense. “She can fight. She can fight.”

No, no, you can’t have no black first lady. That’s too much work for the secret service. “We can’t let her through, sir. We can’t let her through.” “It’s my fucking wife, man. She’s gonna kill you!” No, no, no. That’s right. Barack Obama really want to be the president, he got to get him a white girl. Yeah, I said it. Why? Cos a white girl will play her position. The black girl wanna play your position. You under the quarterback going, “Hike, hike!” She right next to you, “Hike, hike!” “We can’t both hike.” “I don’t give a fuck.” That’s right. You get you a white girl, she do exactly what you need her to do. “I need you to run left, slant right.” “OK, Daddy, I got ya.” And you win. Whoo, black women get mad when I say that shit, boy. “Oh, you need a white girl? You think you need a white girl? “Fuck you, motherfucker. “You think you need a white girl? “As soon as you all get a little money, you want a white girl. “Soon as you get a little money, you want a white girl.” “Actually, before we get money.” Oh! Oh, don’t worry. I’m a bring it back.

Black women get pissed off at some interracial dating, boy. Black women get mad as a motherfucker. Black women get angrier than southern white men. They get pissed the fuck off. Especially if they see, like, a white girl with a famous black man. Ooh! They get fuckin’ mad. They see, like, a white girl with Denzel Washington, they fucking start shaking. They ready to punch that white girl in the face. “What the fuck you doing with Denzel? “Trying to take our good black men. “We only got eight.” That’s right. Black women get mad. They get mad at us, the black man. They get mad! They get mad at us cos we like to exercise our variety. That’s right, that’s right. Black men like to exercise their variety. When the black man is looking for a mate, we check out the whole menu of women. We’re like, “Uh, you got any specials?” Sisters get mad. Sisters will get in your face, like, “You don’t like your mother.” They get all up in your grill. That’s right. But they act like they mad at the black man. But no! They’re not mad at us. They’re mad at themselves. That’s right, yeah. I said it, I said it. Yeah, I’m looking right at ya! I said it. You are mad at yourself. Cos I’m a tell you the real reason black women get so mad at interracial dating. Oh, I’m a break it the fuck down tonight. The real reason black women get so mad at interracial dating – it ain’t all black women, but it’s most black women – the real reason black women get so angry at interracial dating is cos black women are not attracted to white men. Don’t get me wrong. They’ll fuck a pretty white boy. They’ll fuck Matthew McConaughey or George Clooney, Brad Pitt, they’ll give Beckham some pussy, yes. But black men, our standards ain’t that high. We’ll fuck any white girl. A matter of fact, the bigger, the better. It’s just more white to love. There’s white women in this room right now, don’t even have scales in their house. They know they gaining weight when too many black guys start hitting on ’em. “It’s like these black guys are all over me. “I gotta work out.” That’s right. Black men love a big white woman. Shit, a black man will drop-kick Keira Knightley to get to Rosie O’Donnell. Boy, we will tear that Rosie pussy up, boy. Shit, move that gut to the side, there’s some good pussy under there. We don’t give a fuck! We’ll fuck the whole View, Rosie, Barbara Walters, Joy Behar, it’d be “the view from the back of that ass.” Shit, we’ll fuck Rachael Ray, right after that shit. Fucking Rachael Ray with her plump ass and shit. I’ll fuck her right in the arm fat, right here. Right in this motherfucker. Right in this motherfucker. “Whose arm is this?” Just need a crease. That’s all a n i g g e r needs is a crease. Just a crease, n i g g e r. That’s a crease. I’ll fuck her in the arm fat and have her make me some biscuits when that shit’s all over.

That’s right, man. That’s right. And that’s what makes black women so mad. Cos they know Rosie O’Donnell could walk into any black club in Harlem tonight and get her a black man. She don’t even like men… but she can get her a black man. And it don’t work the other way around. There ain’t a bunch of black women out there trying to fuck George from Seinfeld. That’s right. You see a black woman with an overweight white man, that means her credit is fucked up. Like, she’s in financial straits. “Girl, what you doing with him?” “They was gonna take my car.”

Yes, yes, yes, man. Yes, yes, yes, man. I don’t know, man. Let’s go back to the election for a second, man. It don’t matter who wins this election right now. It don’t matter Barack or McCain, it don’t matter right now cos Bush is still in charge. George Bush is still in charge. And nobody gives less of a fuck than George Bush. You think you don’t give a fuck? Bush don’t give a fuck. Nobody gives less of a fuck than George Bush. If you was hanging from a cliff, getting ready to fall to your death, that’s right, and Bush was at the top of the cliff, and all you needed was a fuck to save your life, and Bush had a pocket full of fucks, he wouldn’t give you one. “Bush, I need a fuck!” “Oh, you know I don’t give a fuck. “Here’s a fuck. Psych!”

Bush is unbelievable, man. This guy’s unbe-fucking-lievable. Just the things that have gone down since he’s been the president… It’s unprecedented how bad this guy is, OK? He ain’t the worst president of the US, he’s the worst president of presidents. He’s the worst PTA president, president of the block association, president of major league baseball, World Wide Wrestling Federation… The worst president ever! This motherfucker. Just the shit that has gone down since he’s been president is unbelievable, man. Unbe-fucking-lievable. The mortgage crisis going on right now, people losing their houses. One month your mortgage is 900, the next month it’s 9,000. You got to look outside to see if you moved. “Shit, this can’t be the same neighbourhood.”

Fucking gas is through the roof. Gas is so expensive right now, soon they’re going to start selling gas in bars. It’s gonna be like, “I want to send half a tank to the little lady over there in the red.” I think pretty soon people are gonna be fucking for gas. I think people are already fucking for gas. Some of y’all in here tonight are fucking for gas. Like, “Girl, why you with him?” “He filled up my tank.” Ladies, if a man fills up your tank, you gotta fuck him. A quarter of a tank? Handjob. You gotta get to work, right? You gotta get to work. Gas is so fucking expensive. I don’t even get it. So let me get this straight. We invade a country with oil… With oil, but gas costs more? That don’t make no fucking sense. Now I didn’t go to no fancy school or nothing, but I tell you this right now, if I invade Kentucky Fried Chicken, wings will be cheap at my house. Yeah. Like, gas is so expensive now, whenever I fill up my tank, I just whip out my dick and jerk off right at the gas station. That’s what I do, if I fill it up, I jerk it off. You know why? Cos when I spend that type of money, I’m used to coming. You ought to try it. Next time you’re running low, you’ll get happy. “Holy shit, I’m almost out of gas. Good!” That’s right, man. Shit, fucking gas is through the roof.

This shit is no joke, man. And you know, they’re just trying to get you, man. And they keep saying, “Is America ready for a black president? “Is America ready for a black…” I hope Barack wins, man. I hope he wins. I really do. I hope he wins. I hope he wins, just so as a black parent, I could stop giving that “You could do whatever you want to, baby” speech. That my kids could just go out and shit. I don’t have to say it every time they walk out the house, “No matter what they say, you could be whatever you want to be.” Cos white parents don’t have to say that shit. Cos it’s obvious, that’s why. You try to say that shit to a white kid, they go, “Yeah, I know. I know. “I know, I can be anything. I know, I know. “I know, if I work hard, I can be anything. Yeah, I know. “You know what? Even if I don’t work hard, I can be anything.” Tired of that shit, man. But they keep saying the same thing, “Is America ready for a black president? “Is America ready for a black president?” Well, we should be. We just had a retarded one. America, man. Crazy.

So much going on right now. And race is the big issue, the biggest issue in the world right now. Race. It’s a big thing, man. Racism all over the world. It will never die, it will never die. It will only multiply, baby. Racism all over the world. Even in my life, there’s some racism. People go, “Really?” Yeah, yeah. Yes, in my life. I will give you an example of how race affects my life, OK? I live in a place called Alpine, New Jersey. I live in Alpine, New Jersey, right? My house costs millions of dollars. Don’t hate the player, hate the game. In my neighbourhood, there are four black people. Hundreds of houses, four black people. Who are these black people? Well, there’s me, Mary J Blige, Jay-Z and Eddie Murphy. Only black people in the whole neighbourhood. So let’s break it down. Me, I’m a decent comedian, I’m all right. Mary J Blige… Mary J Blige, one of the greatest R&B singers to ever walk the earth, Jay-Z, one of the greatest rappers to ever live, Eddie Murphy, one of the funniest actors to ever, ever do it. Do you know what the white man that lives next door to me does for a living? He’s a fucking dentist. He ain’t the best dentist in the world. He ain’t going to the dental hall of fame. He don’t get plaques for getting rid of plaque. He’s just a yank-your-tooth-out dentist. See, the black man gotta fly to get something that the white man could walk to. That’s right, baby. Shit, I had to make miracles happen to get that house. I had to host the Oscars to get that house. And to this day, I don’t even believe it’s my house. That’s why I keep a bag packed right by the door… just in case the white people that really own the place show up one day. “Time to go, blackie.” “Damn, I knew this day would come. “Good thing I’m packed.” Do you know what a black dentist would have to do to move into my neighbourhood? He’d have to invent teeth.

Racism, man. Racism out there, man. Only thing that makes me more angry than racism, only one thing makes me more angry than racism, is black people that are shocked at racism. Cos whenever something racist goes down, they always manage to find one black person that can’t believe it. “I can’t believe Imus would say that.” I’m like, “Where the fuck you from?” There’s nothing a white person could ever say to me that will ever catch me off guard. Ever. I’m always looking for some racism, no matter where the fuck I’m at. I’m like, “Where the racism at? Where it at? Where it at?” No matter where I’m at. I could be sitting down with Regis Philbin, doing an interview, talking about Madagascar 2. Say, “Yeah, Regis, Madagascar 2 is real good, man. “I play a zebra again. This motherfucker’s great.” And in the middle of the interview, Regis will pull a pencil out of his pocket, stab me in the neck, say, “Take that, you fucking n i g g e r! “Take that you dirty, greasy n i g g e r! “Take that, you fucking n i g g e r!” And I’ll be like, “I should have seen it coming. “I let Regis get too close.” I’ll be mad at me. I’ll apologise. “Hey, man, I left my neck all out, man. “I’m sorry, man. I’m sorry.” Yeah, man.

Race, man. Big, man. We live in a crazy time, man. We live in an insane time, man. We live in a time where if you say the wrong thing, you in trouble. This is the first time in the history of the world where white men actually have to watch what they say. White men are getting in trouble for saying the wrong words. That’s unbelievable, man. And a lot of white guys, “Hey, that’s not fair. “You can say whatever you want. You can say n i g g e r.” Yeah, when I last checked, that was the only advantage I had to being black. You want to switch places? You scream “n i g g e r” and I’ll raise interest rates. Yeah, this is the first time in the history of the world where white men have to watch their tongue. And now, white guys, don’t worry about it. You know, that’s how life works, man. That’s how life works. Sometimes the people with the most shit have to shut up and let other people talk shit about ’em. That’s how life works. That’s right. Sometimes the people with the most shit get to say the least shit. And the people with the least shit get to say the most shit. So if you want to say the most shit, get rid of some of your shit. That’s how the world works, man.

Some people get to talk about other people, and that’s just how it goes, man. For instance, like, fat girls can say whatever they want to about skinny girls. Fat girls can talk about skinny girls all day long, “Fucking skinny bitch, fucking skinny-ass anorexic, “bulimic, fucking regurgitating bitch. “Fucking Cheerio-belt-wearing bitch, salad-eating motherfucker. “Hope she chokes on a crouton.” But skinny girls can’t talk about fat girls. That’s just mean. “Look at these big bitches. “Do they freebase gravy? “Food is not your friend. It’s not your friend.” For instance, you know…

Short guys can talk about tall guys all day long. Short guys can say whatever they want to about tall guys, “You tall bastard. “You tall motherfucker. “I hope your head hits an air-conditioning vent. “I hope Bin Laden flies a plane into your lips.” But tall guys can’t talk about short guys. That’s just mean. “Look at these midget motherfuckers. “Fee fie foe fum!”

Like poor people can talk about rich people all day long. Poor people can say whatever they want to about rich people, “You fucking rich bastard. “I hope your yacht hits an iceberg in the summer. “Fucking ice… I hope your Picasso falls off the wall and kills your mother. “You fucking rich bastard.” But rich people can’t talk about poor people. That’s just mean. It’s like, “Look at these broke bastards. “Perhaps we should raise the prices so we don’t have to see these people again. “Is that a Hyundai? “With cloth interior. Ooh!”

Yes, man. That’s right. You gotta watch what you say. Even some black people have to watch what they say. Even some black people. What’s my man on Grey’s Anatomy? Got fired. Got fired for calling somebody a f a g g o t. Yeah, we live in a crazy time. You gotta watch what you say, baby. Between the internet and all these shows, say the wrong thing, your career is over. But here’s the crazy thing, man, it’s not about the words sometimes, man.

It ain’t about the words, all bad words ain’t bad. Sometimes it’s about the context in which the word is said. It’s not always the word, it’s the context in which the word is said. You know, depending on what you’re talking about, you say, “You the finest bitch I ever seen.” That’s a compliment. It ain’t the word! It’s the context in which the word is being said. So my man on Grey’s Anatomy, it ain’t that he called somebody a f a g g o t, it’s like, how did he say “f a g g o t”? How did he say it? Did he come in early one day and go, “Morning, f a g g o t”? Cos if he did that, he should be fired. But how did he say it? Was he having a fight with this person? Was he having an argument? Do they have a relationship of some sort? How did he say it? And here’s the other thing, if they was having a fight, well, I just think personally, if you having a fight with somebody, you should be able to say whatever you think is gonna hurt this person the most. What, I gotta be politically correct and mad at the same time? Like if I’m driving and somebody crashes into me, and they got one leg, I’m a talk about the leg. “Hey, you one-legged bastard, no wonder you can’t brake. “I hope you got some two-legged insurance.”

But how did he say “f a g g o t”? Now here’s the real question nobody wants to ask. What if the person that he called a f a g g o t… was acting like a f a g g o t? I’m not trying to disrespect any gay people. I have gay friends. I know I have gay fans. I know some of y’all are here tonight. I just want to say… thanks for the money. I’m all for gay rights. I hope you get the right to get married and buy cereal and… whatever you being denied, I hope you get it cos I think gay fans are some of the best fans to have cos they can buy tickets faster than anybody. You know why? Cos they don’t have any fucking kids, that’s why. You never see no gay homeless people. There’s no gay homeless people and there’s no Asian homeless people. That’s just the homeless rules. The homeless discriminate. Yes, they do. You’d think they would be more understanding. But where was I? What if the person that he called a f a g g o t was acting like a f a g g o t? Cos you don’t have to be gay to act like a f a g g o t. You don’t even have to be a man to act like a f a g g o t. Anybody can act like a f a g g o t. Let me give you an example. I love Gwen Stefani. I think No Doubt is one of the best groups in the world. I keep a No Doubt CD in my car. And I sing that shit to the end, I’m like… I won’t even get out my car until the shit’s over. I’m like… I fucking love me some Gwen Stefani, right? Now if I’m driving my car and I’m at the light, and you’re in the car behind me, and the light’s red, and I’m blasting some Gwen Stefani and I’m like… And you’re in the car behind me and the light’s red, cool. But then the light turns green. And I don’t see it cos I’m in Gwen Stefani heaven. And I’m just goin’… Now the light starts fucking blinking. It’s getting ready to turn red again! And I still don’t see it! And I’m in my car going… Now if you’re in the car behind me and that light’s getting ready to turn red, and I’m going… If you’re in that car behind me, you have the right to go, “Hey, f a g g o t, the light’s about to change!” Shit, even Elton John would call me a f a g g o t… at that moment.

It’s not the word, it’s the context in which the word is being said. That’s what’s going on. It ain’t the word, it’s the context. Now, speaking of words, now they’re trying to get rid of the word “n i g g e r”. Trying to get rid of my beloved “n i g g e r”. Shit. Last year, the NAACP had a funeral for the word “n i g g e r”. Well, tonight is Easter. Shit. That’s right. Whenever the word “n i g g e r” is spoken, it is always followed by the same question – “Can white people say n i g g e r?” And the correct answer is… not really. You have to check with your n i g g e r consulate, talk to your n i g g e r representative, and they will tell you the n i g g e r rules where you are at that particular time.

We live in a crazy time where Dr King and Mr Mandela’s dreams are coming true. Black and white people and Asians, Indians, and everybody’s hanging out together. Interracial posses. It’s unbelievable what’s going on, man. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. It’s unbelieva… All my black friends have a bunch of white friends. And all my white friends have one black friend. Yeah, man.

But if you are in an interracial posse, you have to figure out, you know, what are the rules of the interracial posse? What are the Dr Dre rules of your crew? That’s right, cos, you know, what are the Dr Dre rules? What are the rules when a Dr Dre song comes on the radio or plays at a club? What is the procedure that goes into effect? Cos sometimes I’m with my white friends and a Dr Dre song will come on. And there’s a lot of “n i g g e r s” in a Dr Dre song. And they want to enjoy it, but they can’t really enjoy it around me. So they start taking out the “n i g g e r s” or mumbling the “n i g g e r s”. And that’s just a sad sight to see. It’s just sad to see some white person trying to do a n i g g e rless rendition of a Dr Dre song. It’s just fucking depressing. They’re trying to rap along without saying “n i g g e r” and they’re like… I don’t know what the fuck to say. But I know when I’m not there, shit, they lean into that shit. “He’s not here. Turn it up!” They’re like… …On his back! And kill him! I hate n i g g e r s! “Say, hey, man, that’s not even in the song.” “I got a little carried away. Sorry about that. “They should put it in. They really should.” Don’t worry, white people, get your Dre on. Get your Dre on, get your J on, get your Kanye on. It’s all right, it’s all good. It’s gotta be in the song, though. It’s gotta be in the song. It’s got to be in the song.

So the question remains the same, can white people say “n i g g e r”? And the answer is the same. Not really. There’s some exceptions, like, “Fuck me harder, n i g g e r.” A lot of white women trying not to laugh in front of their husbands right now. “Honey, I was in college. “I had to see what it was about. “He made me say it.” But the question remains the same, can white people say “n i g g e r”? And the answer’s the same – not really. But wait a minute. There’s one exception. There’s one exception. There’s one instance where white people can say “n i g g e r”. And I’m a let it out tonight. I’m a let it out here in Johannesburg. The one time that white people can say “n i g g e r”… The white people are like, “This is what I paid for. “It’s a fucking great night now.” The one time white people can say “n i g g e r”… Here goes. Listen closely, cos I may never say this shit again. The one time white people can say “n i g g e r”… OK. If it’s Christmas Eve and it’s between 4:30 and 4:49 in the morning, if you white, and you on your way to Toys R Us to get your kid the last Transformer doll, and right before you walk into Toys R Us, some black person runs up beside you, smacks you in the head with a brick, knocks you to the ground, stomps you in the face, “Take that, you cracker-ass motherfucker, “take that, you cracker-ass motherfucker, motherfucker. Take that.” Riverdances on your head, “Take that, you cracker-ass motherfucker, cracker-ass motherfucker, “take that, you cracker-ass motherfucker,” Takes your money, pisses on you… and runs away. If you white, at that moment, you can say, “Somebody stop that n i g g e r!” As a matter of fact, if you white and that happens to you, you can say “n i g g e r” for a whole month. But you got to walk around with the police report in your pocket. In case any black people catch you saying “n i g g e r”, the police report will act as your freedom papers. “I heard you saying ‘n i g g e r’. Let me see your fucking papers. “Give me the papers! Show me the papers!” “Christmas Eve. “4:48. “You just made it, motherfucker. “Pissed on you! “I hope they catch that n i g g e r.”

Oh, man. Having a good time up here, man. Good time up here. Apollo. Apollo! Up here working. Up here working. I’m up here trying to do my thing. This ain’t really work, though. This is not really work. This is my career. It’s not really a job, this is my career. You know, some people have jobs, some people have careers. Some of y’all in the audience, some of y’all got jobs, some of you have careers. Now the people in the audience with careers need to learn to shut the fuck up when you’re around people with jobs. Cos they don’t want to hear your career bullshit. Keep that shit to yourself. OK? Don’t let your happiness make somebody sad. Cos that’s what it does. No, no, man. But I used to work. I used to have a job. I used to work at a Red Lobster, I used to work at Red Lobster in Queens Boulevard. I was… Oh, I served you? Good, good. No, no, I was a dishwasher. I used to scrape shrimp in the garbage cans then load up the dishwasher. And that was my real job. I never got a raise, I never got a promotion. They kept me in the back. They kept me back there cos I had really fucked-up teeth and they didn’t want people to think that shrimp fucked up your teeth. And that’s what they do at restaurants, they put the ugliest people in the back. So if you don’t like the people in the front, you don’t want to see the people in the back. And that was my real job. I wasn’t working my way through school, or in telling jokes, that was my life. 1989, I was scraping shrimp. OK? And people go, “Chris, how’d you end up like that? “How the fuck did that happen to you? Minimum-wage job?”

I’ll tell you exactly how that happened. I dropped out of school in the 10th grade. Dropped out in the 10th grade, which is the dumbest thing you could ever fucking do. You know why? Cos when you drop out in the 10th grade, you really might as well have dropped out in the second grade. Why? Cos you qualified for the exact same jobs. Matter of fact, the person that dropped out in the second grade is more qualified cos they have eight years of work experience. Yeah, man. I used to scrape those fucking shrimp, man. It used to kill me. But I’ll tell you, now I have a career. I’ve been blessed with a career. So if you’ve got a career, thank God. If you’ve got a job, I hope you get a career one day. That’s right. Cos when you got a career, there ain’t enough time in the day. There ain’t enough time! You got a career, you look at your watch, time just flies like, “God damn, whoa. It’s 5:35. “Damn, I gotta come in early tomorrow and work on my project.” Cos there ain’t enough time when you got a career. When you got a job, there’s too much time. That’s right. You look at your watch like, “Aw, shit, 9:08.” You don’t even trust the time when you got a job. You’re like, “What time you got? What time you got? “What time you got? What time you got? “9:15?” Whoever got the latest time is the right time. “He got the right time. He got the right time.” You ever play the time game with yourself at work? You ever play the time game where you go, “I’m not gonna look at my watch for two hours. “That’s right. I’m a sit here and scrape these shrimp.” Scrape, scrape, scrape, scrape scrape, scrape, scrape, scrape, scrape, scrape, scrape, scrape, scrape. “OK, an hour’s passed. “Maybe I should look… “and feel good. “No, fuck that. I’m a wait a whole another hour.” Scrape, scrape, scrape, scrape, scrape, scrape, scrape, scrape, scrape, scrape, scrape, scrape, scrape, scrape, scrape, scrape, scrape, scrape. “All right, two hours passed. “Time to look and feel good about myself.” And you look. “Fuck! 15 minutes.”

You ever been so miserable at work that you spend extra time just sitting on the toilet? You don’t even have your pants down, you’re just like… “I hate this fucking job. “I hate it!” People around you taking smelly shits. That don’t even faze you. You’re like, “I don’t give a fuck. “You keep shittin’ cos I ain’t quitting.”

You know how you can tell you got a real bad job? When they give you that half-hour lunch break. Whoo! There’s nothing worse than a half-hour lunch break to a grown person. “Why don’t you just get a little spoon and give me some apple sauce while you’re at it?” A half-hour lunch break. By the time you put on your jacket, walk around the corner, go to the sandwich spot, order a sandwich, wait for them to make it, then get in another line to pay for it, 28 minutes have passed. Now you rushing back to work, you’re eating your sandwich, spilling beer down your shirt. When you get in, your boss got the nerve to go, “Hey, you’re eight minutes late.” “Fuck you!” Do you realise even criminals in jail get an hour lunch break? Like, “Can I at least eat like a murderer? “I bet if I shot your ass, I could finish this sandwich.”

But you gotta work. Gotta work. We all gotta work. We all gotta work. Why? We spend money on things we used to get for free. We spend money on things we used to get for free like… water. You could still get free water, but nobody does it. That’s right, we spend money on water, buying bottled fucking water. Do you know how many people on earth right now are dying of thirst? How many people walk 10 and 20 miles to get some fresh water? And we so fucking spoiled, we buy bottled water. Do you know what it means if you buy bottled water? That means you only use tap water on your ass. And you wonder why people want to blow us the fuck up. We got ass water, that’s why. They dying of thirst, we be like, “I gotta wash my ass. I gotta wash it.” Fuck, man. You know why they call it tap water? Cos you just tap it on your nuts, that’s why. Man. Bottled water, man.

You know the craziest thing we spend money on? The craziest thing… We all done it. You done it. I done it. We all done it. The craziest thing we spend money on… ringtones. The phone used to ring for free. But “bring-bring” just wasn’t good enough for some of y’all. “I need a ring that expresses who I am. “I need to hear SexyBack when my phone rings.” And now they got us. Now they got us. We gonna have ringtones for the rest of our lives. People, “No, we’re not.” Oh yes, we are. I’ll tell you exactly what’s going to happen in this crazy George Bush deregulated world we live in. Here’s what’s going to happen… The phone company is going to buy the ringtone company and then they gonna start selling us phones that don’t fucking ring. They gonna make you buy a ringtone or else you’re gonna have to guess when your phone is ringing. “Hello? Hello? “Hello? Hello? I pick it up every four minutes just in case. “Hello? Hello? “Damn, I need to buy SexyBack.”

But you gotta get your money right. You got to get your money right. Men, you must get your money right. Men, you hear me? You have to get your money right. It’s important for men to get their money right. Women, it’s important for you to get your money right, but not as important as it is for us. Why, women? Cos no one will ever not fuck you cos you’re broke. Your pussy will never be turned down for financial reasons. It ain’t gonna happen. That’s right. Pussy’s like Visa, accepted everywhere. That’s right. Next time you don’t got no cash, go, “Do you take pussy?” “Of course we take pussy. “Who doesn’t take pussy? “How much pussy you got?” Shit. Brother, I love being a man, but I just wish I had a pussy. I really do.

I wish I had a pussy just for negotiation purposes. Just so when I’m negotiating a deal, I could put that motherfucker on the table, “What about now?” “It’s a deal.” Yeah, man. It’s hard being a man today.

Hard being a man today. Why’s it so hard to be a man? Cos nobody cares about men. Nobody gives a fuck about men. You see a homeless man on the street with a dog, you feel sorry for the dog. Say, “We got to get that dog some food.” “What about the man?” “Oh, fuck him.” Say, every night on TV, I see there’s a new missing woman. “We gotta find Carole. Where’s Carole? “We must find Carole. Carole didn’t come home last night. “Where the fuck is Carole?” I never seen one of these things for a missing man yet. It’s like, “Bob didn’t come home last night.” “Good. “I hope he never comes home. “Probably out fucking Carole somewhere.”

That’s right, hard being a man today. Why’s it so hard being a man? Cos you got to deal with today’s woman. Today’s woman. And today’s woman is a hard one to deal with, boy. What’s the show all the women watch today? Desperate Housewives. Desperate Housewives. Bunch of women living in nice houses. Some of them don’t even work. They all cheat on their husbands. They need to change the name of that show from Desperate Housewives to Ungrateful Bitches. Every week, they fuck the pool boy, the gardener, and he can fuck real good too. You know why? Cos he don’t have a full-time job, that’s why. Shit, I could fuck that good too if I had an extra eight hours to work on my stroke. You know what? I’m not even that good in bed. I don’t give a fuck. My bills are paid. “You better let this security make your titties tingle.”

Shit. I have never knocked out the pussy in my life. I’ve never knocked out the pussy in my life. I’ve won by decision. That’s right. Two out of every five times I fuck you is good. Two out of five. Them other three are horrible. But just when you’re ready to pack your shit, I give you a good one. “Where’d that come from?” “Viagra.”

That’s right, man. What do women want? What the fuck do women want? Everything. Everything. Everything. All around the world, it’s the same answer – everything, everything, everything. That’s right, man. Only women could get away with that answer. Nobody else is allowed to say “everything”. When a man wants something, he goes, “Damn, I want that. “I want it bad. I got to figure out what I got to do to get that.” When a woman wants something, she goes, “Damn, I want that. I want it bad. “I gotta figure out who I could get to get me that.” Big differences, man. Women want a lot, man. Women want you to get on one knee and go, “I love you more than anything else in the world, “I think you’re the most beautiful, intelligent creature on earth, “and I wanna spend the rest of my life with you.” But we ain’t saying that. We’re not saying that unless we really fucked up bad! We gonna keep that one in our back pocket. We’re not gonna just break it out on a Tuesday. Ladies, if you ever hear a man talking that shit, he might have fucked your sister. OK?

Ladies, do you know what the most romantic words a man could say to you? The most romantic words a man will ever say to you are these words… “I ain’t going nowhere.” It don’t get no more romantic than… “I ain’t going nowhere.” You know why? Cos when a man says, “I ain’t going nowhere,” what he’s trying to tell you is, “I’ve actually thought about going somewhere. “I talked to a lawyer. I looked at a place. “And I realised I’m gonna go through this same shit with the next girl, “so why not just stay here and be miserable with you?” “I ain’t going nowhere.” You in there.

So much difference between men and women, man. One of the biggest differences between men and women, men are actually happy when women go out with their girlfriends and have a good time. When you go out with your girlfriends and have a good time, we’re happy for you. You come home and go, “Me and my girlfriends are gonna see Sex And The City.” We’re like, “Great! Now I don’t have to take you to see that shit.” “Why don’t you go see Mamma Mia while you’re at it?” And you go see it and you come back, you’re like, “Sex And The City was so good. “You shoulda saw the wedding! “Carrie got married to Big. I can’t believe it!” And we’re fucking happy for you. We’re happy for you.

But it don’t work the other way around. Women never want us to have a good time. Ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever. Fellas, if your woman come home from work and you got a smile on your face that she didn’t put there, she gets suspicious. “What the fuck you smiling about? “I ain’t fucked you in three weeks. What the fuck you smiling about?” That’s right, fellas, when you go out with your boys and your woman says, “How was it?” Just go, “It was all right.” Cos if you go beyond “all right”, you gonna be in a fight. You can’t be like, “Baby, it was unbelievable. “I had the best time of my life. “A-Rod hit a home run in the bottom of the ninth. “I couldn’t believe it!” Watch what happens the next day. You waitin’ for your food. No fucking food. “Baby, what’s up with the food?” “Why don’t you tell A-Rod to cook you some? “Your fuckin’ boyfriend, A-Rod.”

Yeah, man, women want it all. So many fucking differences. A lot of dates tonight. A lot of dates. A lot of men took women out tonight they haven’t even fucked yet. Say, “I’m gonna take her to see Chris Rock. “I’m gonna close this deal with some Chris Rock tickets.” Yeah. Yeah. 10% of that pussy is mine. Save me a lick or something, OK? Every man in here that’s with a woman he hasn’t fucked yet, is all thinking the same thing… “When do I whip it out? “Do I just shove her hand down there when we kiss good night “and watch her move it like she got cerebral palsy or some shit? “Do I put it on a tray like an appetiser? “Sprinkle some parsley around there? “‘Bone appetit! ‘ “How should the lighting be? “Should I put some Vaseline or some lotion on it?” Can’t just whip out an ashy dick, right? And then once you whip it out, there’s always the chance that the woman goes, “Could you put that back? “Could you put that?” Shit, you know how hard it is to get a dick back in the pants? A fucking black dick? God damn! What the fuck? Your dick is out there on a false alarm. Then your dick looks up at you like, “What the fuck was you thinking? “Got me out here for this bullshit.”

That never happens to women. Women never whip out a titty and hear, “Hey, put that titty back. “If I’d known you was whipping out titties, I wouldn’t have come upstairs. “Put the titty back. “Are we gonna watch this movie or what?”

The other fucked-up thing is, guys, once we whip it out, we never know what we got. We never know if it’s big or not, cos women lie to us about our dicks so much, we don’t know what the fuck we got. Cos when a woman’s in love, your dick’s huge. And the more they hate you, the smaller your fucking dick gets. So you don’t know what the fuck you got. You all disillusioned. Your shit is bigger and smaller. You don’t know what you got. You walking around with the big-dick walk with the little dick and shit. Walking like this… when you should be walking like this… We don’t know what the fuck we got. I don’t know what I got. I mean, I’m lucky. I’m skinny, so I got a little backdrop. And everything looks bigger against a little backdrop. Like if you wide, it looks like your dick’s at sea and shit. I don’t know what the fuck I got. But you know how you can tell if a woman think you got a big dick? You know how you can tell if a woman think you got a big dick? After you whip it out, she just starts looking at it. And then she says under her breath, “Hello.” That’s the universal big-dick greeting. Like, “Hey, hey, welcome to Pussonia. “We got a lot of work for you.”

Men and women, so many fucking… differences between men and women, man. So many fucking differences. The biggest difference between men and women, one of the biggest differences, men cannot go backwards sexually. Women cannot go backwards in lifestyle. Can’t fucking do it. Women cannot go backwards in lifestyle. They can’t do it. That’s right. They can’t do it. I don’t care… The best woman can’t fucking do it. Can’t fucking do it. They can’t do it, can’t do it. Fellas, you ever gone through some hard times with your woman? You lose your job or something? Your woman tries to console you, “Hey, baby, don’t worry. We gonna get through this. “I know we got bills, but if we gotta get rid of some shit, we will get rid of some of this shit.” She’s talking about you. Can’t do it. Fellas, if you lose your job, you gonna lose your woman. That’s right. She may not leave the day you lose it, but the countdown has begun. Women can’t do it. Ladies, remember the first time you ever dated a guy with his own car? Remember that shit? You was leaving the club, your girlfriends got on the bus, you were like, “Bye, bitches. “I’ll see y’all later. “I’m getting in this warm-ass car.” And from that moment on, you were like, “You better have a car. “You ain’t getting this pussy without a car. “I am not getting on the fucking bus in February. Fuck that.” And that’s how the fuck you roll for the rest of your life. Ladies, remember the first time you ever dated a guy with his own apartment? You got in there, you were comfortable, you were like, “I could really enjoy getting fucked in here. “I can scream and holler and break shit, “yell instructions. “I will never fuck in nobody’s mama’s house again.” And you never did. You never fucking did. Ladies, remember the first time you ever had a man take you on vacation? Say, “Whoo! This is great.” And from that moment on, every man you dated had to take you somewhere. You let ’em know as soon as you met ’em, “Hey, this is passport pussy. “If you think you can handle this pussy in one time zone, you are out of your fucking mind.” And women love to tell you how much better the pussy gonna get when you get to the destination. “You ain’t got nothing yet. Wait till we get to Jamaica.” You get to Jamaica, it’s the same pussy you had in Johannesburg, in London, in Brooklyn. Only difference is now it’s got a little bit of sand in it.

And the crazy thing, the crazy thing, women love to tell you… Women got their own money now. Women have their own fucking money now. And women are like, “Hey…” Women are like, “Hey, if you don’t take me on a nice vacation, “I’m a find me a cute guy and I’m a pay for shit.” But that only lasts for like 30 days. Cos women don’t like paying for shit. That’s right – pussy costs money, dick is free. Any money you spend on dick is a bad investment. Cos when it comes to women and money, I’ll tell you right now, nothing dries up a pussy quicker than a woman reaching for her wallet. There is something about a woman reaching for her wallet that just dries up the vagina. It’s almost like the wallet is sending a signal to the pussy that this man is not worthy of getting wet for. And later on, when you go to the gynaecologist, he’s like, “Oh, my God, you’ve been paying for shit. “Another $500, you gonna be in menopause.” Women cannot go backwards in lifestyle.

Men cannot go backwards sexually. Can’t do it. Once we get the sex we like, that’s how the fuck we roll. We get stubborn in our old age. We’re like, “I like my coffee like this, “I like my steak like this and I like to fuck like this. “And if you ain’t fucking like I’m fucking, then get the fuck out.” Ladies, don’t get mad at us. Don’t get mad at us. Get mad at our ex-girlfriend. She’s the one that spoiled it for everybody. The ex-girlfriend that did everything, she fucked it up for everybody. Call up one day, you’re like, “You did what? You licked his ass? “Now he want everybody to lick his ass. Thanks a lot, bitch.” That’s right. Ladies, your man is nastier than you ever imagined. Your man has been watching porno since he was 12 years old. He has pornographic images in his head and he wants to relive some of this shit before he drops dead. That’s right, ladies. Get up on it. Get up on it. Listen to what the fuck I’m about to say, OK? Just because he came don’t mean you made him come. Did you hear what the fuck I just said? Just because he came does not mean you made him come. Every man in this room got two levels of come. Every man in here got two levels of come. And level one comes out easy, it comes out like ketchup, “Drip, drip, drip, drip, “drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip…” Just say “come” and it comes out. “Drip, drip, drip, drip.” But level two? If we got a woman doing the precise nasty shit we like, wearing the nasty shit we want her to wear, saying the nasty shit we want her to say, it will shoot out like a civil rights hose… “Free at last! Free at last!” It’ll take a fucking eye out. That’s right. That’s right. Ladies, that’s right, that’s why you got to be very careful about what you introduce in bed. Ain’t no such thing as one time when it comes to sex, cos if we like it, it’s on the menu. That’s right. You got to be very careful. You can’t be like, “Ooh, I’m a wear high heels tomorrow.” No, you gonna wear high heels every day. If I ever see the bottom of your feet again, this relationship is over. Like, “Ooh, I’m a do a girl for your birthday.” No, you gonna do a girl every day. You better get some bunk beds in this motherfucker. Shit, I remember the first time I ever had a girl suck the come out of my dick and swallow. Oh! That felt so good, I could read Arabic. I was breaking down the Da Vinci code. And right then, I said, “Spitters are quitters. “Spitters are quitters!” There are a lot of women in here grossed out, “Come in the mouth? That’s fucking disgusting. “You always want to come in my fucking mouth. “Get the fuck out. You better call that ass-licking girl. “You are not coming in my mouth. Fuck that.” Yeah, half the women in here are grossed out, and the other half are in loving relationships.

I’m out of here. Y’all take care. Thank you!

Awesome. Chris fucking rocks. It was brilliant. My cheeks are actually hurting me now. Chris rocks! – It was awesome. – Excellent. It was excellent. The best show I have ever seen. Fabulous. He was great. He come over from the States, he come to the UK, he was the top dog. He’s the fucking… He is the man. He is the man. I want to marry you, Rock. Will you marry me? No, it was excellent. It was great. We had a great time. Amazing, brother. Amazing. Humbled. Do it again. Come back again. – Awesome. – Fantastic. Best show ever, yeah. Very good. Very, very, very good. Don’t need antidepressant any more after listening to him. It was wicked, man. I haven’t laughed non-stop like that in ages. – It was wicked. – It was awesome. – Chris, you rock. – We love you! Chris Rock, man, rocked. – Brilliant. – Chris Rock is amazing. It was wicked, man. Really funny. Awesome! Fabulous. Fantastic. – Fantastico! – Great. Hilarious. Awesome. Awesome. My cheeks are sore. Brilliant, brilliant. It was brilliant. Fantastic. – It was sick. He was crazy. – Awesome. – Excellent. – Fantastic. – Great. – Great. It was great. It was brilliant. Really good. – Fantastic. Awesome. – Perfect, perfect, perfect. I love you, Chris Rock. You rock! You rock! It was absolutely fantastic. Chris Rock’s a beast, man! – He is crazy! – He’s wicked. Pretty sweet. – It was fantastic. – Excellent. Yeah. Lived up to his reputation. He was great. – Brilliant. – Funny. He was brilliant. Come back again, Chris. – Chris Rock rocks! – He rocks! He’s the best. We’re all in happier relationships.


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