Cedric the Entertainer: Live from the Ville (2016) – Transcript

Donning his signature suit and fedora, the dapper comic offers a unique spin on getting old, the presidential election and "Honky Tonk Badonkadonk."

[slow jazz music playing]

[Ice Cube] He one of the OGs, one of the all-time greats. He can make you laugh with a look.

[Jimmie Walker] He is a legend in the stand-up game.

[Chris Rock] Yes.

[Jerry Seinfeld] He’s so good. He’s completely unique. I love the guy.

[Rock] The hardest gig I ever did was following Cedric the Entertainer on New Year’s Eve in Oakland.

[Ice Cube] Talented, gifted, naturally funny.

[Rock] As good as it gets.

[whistle blows]

[band playing]

[Announcer] Give it up for the Tennessee State marching band!

[audience cheering]

Give it up for Ced, Cedric – Give it up for Ced – Cedric Give it up for Ced, Cedric The Entertainer – Ced, Cedric – Give it up for Ced, Cedric Give it up for Ced, Cedric – Give it up for Ced – The Entertainer – Ced, Cedric – Give it up for Ced – Cedric – Give it up for Ced – Cedric – The Entertainer

[trumpets blasting]

[whistle blows]

[Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, Cedric the Entertainer!

[audience cheering]

[woman shouting]

[cheering continues]


[cheering continues] – [audience whooping]

Nashville. Cashville. What up, y’all?

[cheering continues]

Yay! Yeah, man. Hey, how y’all doing? I feel y’all. Go and have a seat. How y’all doing, man? Y’all gotta give up for that TSU band. Let ’em hear it.

[audience cheering, whooping]

– That shit wore me out.

[audience laughing]

I only did the last two minutes of the dance.

I’m-a-be like this.

[audience laughing]

They let you know, boy. Gotta get in shape, man. Try to do it. I’m gonna be breathing, with an “F.” I had a “bref,” my “bref” was… – Oh, my “bref.” – [audience laughing] Man, I see y’all too, looking good. What up? [audience cheering, whistling] Laid up in here too, I saw. Player with all white on, I see you, pimp. You know it. Any of you know how to eat barbecue like this? [audience laughing] Tell your mama Rufus stopped by. Look at this, man. It’s good. I was joking about getting in shape, but that shit is real. You gotta do that. That’s the latest thing. Everybody gotta lose weight. I got all the equipment at my house. I don’t do none of it. I got everything you can order on the infomercial. I got so much equipment, my neighbors come and work out. I got my own… sell my own gym membership. “Y’all come in.” There’s some towels, cucumber water. Go on, enjoy yourself, John. “I ain’t using none of that shit. Go on in.” Gotta try to do it. I had to do something. I’m walking down the street. This lady sees me, a little white lady. She got a little daughter. She sees me. “Oh, my God.” I can’t believe it’s you. Can we take a picture?” “Of course!” She talking about, “Thank you, CeeLo!”

[audience laughing]

C-CeeLo? Uh, bitch… Fuck you! And little girl… Fuck you too! I ain’t no goddamn CeeLo. Shit. I walked right into a cycling class, n i g g a. [chuckles] Shit, man. I gotta do something. Everybody losin’ weight in Hollywood. All my partners. Ain’t nobody call me and tell me nothing. I’m like the last fat brother in Hollywood. Anthony Anderson lost weight. He ain’t called me to tell me. Rick Ross lost weight. The Boss, he’s… [grunts forcefully] He all skinny as hell, like, “Eh.” Al Roker, Al Sharpton. You know, Al Sharpton lost too much goddamn weight though. Al Sharpton lost neck weight. His head look like a damn bobblehead. Like Al, you can’t lose neck weight. You can’t have no perm and no little-ass neck like that. That combination don’t go together, Al, is what I’m trying to say. Come out here feeling good, man. Lookin’ good. Everybody all spiffy.

[woman] Whoo!

-I like that. I like to get G’d up. We from that…

– We from that generation. – [Audience] Yeah! I notice how the new kids are dressing. They ain’t really give a shit about clothes no more. They don’t really give a shit. Especially boys. The thing is, I ain’t trying to say they style is… It’s for their generation, don’t get me wrong, but it’s a little asexual. All the little long-ass T-shirts n i g g a s is wearing now. One little boy, his shirt was so long, he had a train on the back. I’m like, “Where’s the reception, motherfucker? Shit.” I think it started with skinny jeans. – [audience agreeing] – You know what I mean. The jegging kind, the real super-skinny ones. I ain’t trying to say skinny jeans gay. I don’t know that to be true. What I’m sayin’ is, it’s a gateway apparel. [audience laughing] It leads to other gay articles of clothing is what I’m saying. ‘Cause there ain’t no time should a dude ever be putting their jeans on like this. Never! Ever. Sagging. That shit went too far. I used to get sagging. When it first came out, I understood it, because that’s when new designer underwear came on the scene. So you want to let somebody know that he Tommy Hilfiger, that he Gucci. “Look, these ain’t no regular Fruit of the Looms is what I got on.” I got that. Now these dudes got they pants all up under they ass and shit. I saw one little boy, didn’t have his pants on. That n i g g a had his shit on his shoulders. “It’s that new, Ced. We don’t even wear our shit no more, man. We just carry it with us in case we gotta run in somewhere, man.” It’s a trip, man. They music has changed too, boy. That young music. I like rap, all kinds of rap, but rap got so aggressive now, man. Like when we came up, it used to be sexual innuendo. They might be talkin’ about something. You had to figure it out. “Oh, okay.” Y’all heard “Down in the DM”? They ain’t got time for that shit. It go down in the DM, it go down It go down in the DM, it go down Snapchat me that pussy Oh, whoa! Whoa! Ooh, Jesus. Or FaceTime me that pussy if it’s cool What did they… On the record? That’s on the radio right now. When I first heard it, I ain’t know what Snapchat was. I thought he said, “Snatch at me that pussy.” I said that is pretty aggressive with all this Bill Cosby stuff goin’ on right now. “I don’t think you wanna be snatching at nobody’s pussy like that now.” They were like, “No, Ced, it’s Snapchat. It’s Snapchat.” That’s an app. I don’t know if y’all know this. That’s a little app. It’s what all the kids on right now. And you can take a picture of your pussy, now, okay? And you can put it up on the Internet, and it will disappear like a snowflake. Okay? It will be gone. So whenever you bored and you just feel like doin’ something… Snapchat your pussy on out there! Snapchat your pussy. All the way. It’s fine. I ain’t know what it was. Soon as I heard you can do that shit, I downloaded that app immediately. I would be ridin’ around in my car, lookin’ at the app now and then. Ain’t nobody Snapchat on mine. I ain’t got no… I don’t know how this work. Don’t nobody put none on mine. “Snapchat me that pussy.” All they little songs. I like all rap. Fetty Wap. That’s another rapper had a big hit. Fetty Wap. Big rapper. Y’all know Fetty Wap. That’s the rapper with one eye. Fetty Wap had a little accident earlier in the year where he was on a motorcycle. And I was thinkin’ to myself, “You know what, Fetty Wap? – “Uh…”

[audience laughing]

“Your head got one eye.” You might not wanna be on no goddamn motorcycle. You gotta have your peripheral when you on a goddamn motorcycle. You can’t turn all way left, n i g g a, every time you tryin’ to turn. “Stay off goddamn motorcycles, okay? With love.” But he dope though. I like him ’cause he got a melodic kind of rap style. It’s got melody to it, but out of nowhere, it’ll turn into some gangsta shit. So it be a love song, and then out of nowhere, it be a tragedy. So it like a Fetty Wapera, if you will. Fetty Wap be like, Baby, won’t you come my way Tell me what you want to say But first off I’m gonna start by saying this: Ay Two head shots if you try to take my bitch Like, whoa! Whoa, what just happened there? You know. That is mighty aggressive, Fetty Wap. I just saying she looked nice in her dress. I don’t think I deserve two shots in the damn head for that, you know. I don’t think the crime fits the punishment. Even the girls are aggressive. I heard the most aggressive language I’ve heard in a record this year came from a little girl. I’m riding in the car with my 12-year-old daughter. She’s singing along. All of a sudden, this girl say the most craziest shit I ever heard in a song. She like, You gotta eat the booty like groceries Now wait. What? Ooh, Lord, where’s Yolanda Adams when you need her? “You gotta eat the booty like groceries”? Don’t get me wrong, I’m over 40, so I’m willing to participate is what I’m saying… I just need to know how much groceries we talkin’ about right now. Is it ten items or less or… Or are we talking Costco’s, now, ’cause I think… Somebody yell up here, “Come on, help me with the groceries!” That’s too much goddamn groceries. I can’t… I can’t eat that much groceries. All these little songs, man. They got songs that be making dudes… Gotta get your manhood together. Like Rihanna little song. I turn that off every time it come on. I can’t listen. ‘Cause it make you do some bullshit. You a grown man. You came here. Let me see you work, work, work, work, work Why the fuck am I doin’ this right now? Unh-unh. Rihanna always got songs like that. She always tripping. ‘Cause her other song last year was a scary song to me. Shine bright like a diamond Shine bright like a diamond I’m like, “Is she a little witch? What the hell is she doing?” Scary-ass little song. Shine bright like a diamond I ain’t like that song. That song scares me. I live out in the mountains. I came home one night and our lights was off at the house. Right when I was parking to go in, that song came on. Shine bright like a diamond I think I’ll stay in the car till morning. I was like, “Unh-unh.” No, this how a motherfucker get killed. I ain’t ready to get out the damn car.” Scary-ass song. Beyonc, she another one. She’s been killing the game.

– Everybody know the Lemonade shit. – [women in audience shouting] Look at the ladies, ladies get it. Dudes like, “I don’t get it.” Lemonade got too much tea in it for me. She telling too much of her goddamn business. Thing is, you know, she’s just dope like that though. Beyonc, she kinda got like songs that’s always empowerment. She do make people mad one way or the other. She made me mad when she had that song about the elevator, when she talking about Jay Z and Solange fighting on the elevator. I was mad ’cause she was goin’ all off about the elevator shit. When I think about it, it’s been a couple of hard years for elevators in general. I just don’t trust elevators the way I used to. You remember, the whole Ray Rice shit… That happened on the elevator. Then Beyonc and Solange, they was lookin’ for Jay Z on the elevator. And I was checkin’ into the hotel today, the manager asks me, “We got you in the best room on the top floor.” I said, “Oh, no.” No, no. What y’all got by the gift shop, my n i g g a? I ain’t trying… I ain’t tryin’ to go up no goddamn elevator. I already know “what happens in elevators, and I ain’t goin’ up on one.” Beyonc cool. She dope with it though. That’s the thing about it. She be writing all these women empowerment songs that be so beautiful. She talented, she sexy, she good to look at. That’s why she confuse dudes, ’cause we like lookin’ at her, but then her songs be dope, and they be good songs. You be, “Man, we ain’t supposed to be singing this part.” But she will have you out there, you know? Like now, if I went… We be all night [audience singing response] There better not be one dude in this motherfucker talkin’ about… [vocalizing] N i g g a, that ain’t your part, player. You cannot… [repeating vocalization] You gotta wait on Jay Z like everybody else. I do think up this shit, if I do say so myself That’s us. That’s where we come in. We cannot… [repeating vocalization] The trip is that nowadays, certain shit be gay, we didn’t even know it. You be, “That’s gay now?” “Yeah, that’s gay. You can’t do that no more.” Little shit like, dudes, you can’t be talkin’ to another dude on the phone and hung up talkin’ about “bye-bye.”

[audience laughing]

That’s gay, man. We can’t say “bye-bye” to another dude, dawg. Trip, man. Being a father… And I was talkin’ about all the young kids with their communicating right there. ‘Cause I’ve been married 16 years, man. I been trying. My wife still be tryin’ to keep a hot thing, yeah. My baby, she a good babe too. We be tryin’ to keep the shit fresh. So I be tryin’ to do the Snapchat, and the keep it sexy, you know. I tried sexting, that’s what I tried to do. I want sex. I’m on my way home one day. “Hey, girl. Daddy ’bout to pull up.” [chuckles] “I might wanna dot, dot, dot, dot, dot.” You know? [giggles] She go text me back, “Pick up some bread.” [audience laughing] You know what? You ain’t put no water splash emoji on there or nothing. Just “get some goddamn bread.” Really? Trying, man. We trying to raise these kids. We got all the generations. I got three kids. I got one kid, 26. She was in college a couple years. She fuck around. Fuck around. You know. Bullshit. You in college. Bullshit. C’s, D’s. She wasn’t serious. Because she my daughter, she expect to ball though. She wanna ball out. She gonna hit me up the other day, “Daddy, would you buy me the new Camaro?” I’m like, “What?” “Yeah, I want you to get me the new Camaro.” “The new Camaro? You know, that’s more like A-student shit right there.” You more like used Hyundai or something like that, the area you in. What I supposed to put on my bumper sticker? “My daughter doin’ a’ight, n i g g a.” “CSU? N i g g a, no.” Get you one of them hoverboards, you can go to the club in one of them. “Pull up, goddamn.” My son, 15. Now he on the swim team. You know, the swim… They be getting you into different kind of shape. All of a sudden, my son out of nowhere got all shoulders and chest. He walkin’ in the house one day. “What up, Dad?” I say, “Oh, no, you wanna put all that shit up when you walk in the house.” Put them shoulders in the closet, put your chest in the drawer.” I ain’t gonna have all this walk around my goddamn house. Little bitty scrawny ass motherfucker walk around. “What up, Dad?” “No, n i g g a, put all that up right now. Hang those shoulders on a hanger and put ’em in the closet.” See, he 15, you know, now, he try to start dating a little bit. The thing about my son, he like the little mix girls. He like the girls half black, half white. Little curly hair, that’s his thing. He gonna go out on a date, he tell me take them to the movies. I’m like, “Cool.” He hopped in the backseat with her. I’m like… “When the hell I turn into a Uber driver, goddamn?” I’m Ced the damn Entertainer. Somebody better get up here with me. “I ain’t get ready to be driving y’all like that now, shit.” She a cute little mixed girl. They come back to the house. She like, “Let’s go to your room and close the door.” I’m like, “Oh, whoa.” I say, “Son, that’s the white 15 right there that’s talking.” You don’t get to do that ’round here. “You don’t get to close damn doors and shit, no.” She’s like, “You tell Cedric it’s your room. You can do that if you want to.” I’m like… “Tell Cedric”? “Bitch, when you say my name, put some respect on that shit.”

[audience cheering]

“Put some respect on it.” I ain’t gonna say it no more. “Now, is we finished or is we done?” Okay. I’ll trill y’all, shit. Put some respect on my shit. “Tell Cedric.” What? The truth is they are your little kids. And they yours, you been raising them, but you realize your kids do things you do that you didn’t really think you taught them, but you gotta deal with it now. Like the other day, they called me up to my son’s school, told me my little boy was up there cussing. I said, “What?” They’re like, “Yeah, he here cussing in the school.” I’m like, “My little boy?” They like, “Yeah.” I say, “Oh, no, you know. What did he say?” They were like, “He said, ‘Shit, damn.'” I’m like, “‘Shit, damn’? In that order?” They say, “Yeah.” I say, “Oh, no. That means the little white kids are influencing my son, you know. I mean, hey, he say ‘motherfucker’ or ‘Fuck that shit, dawg’ or ‘We ’bout to blow this bitch up.’ Or something like that, I would have taken responsibility. Everybody know that ‘Shit, damn’ is not a part of our culture, okay? “So… thank you so much, okay?” I’m gonna hop right on top of that. I don’t want my son growing up being no dyslexic cusser like that. “Shit, damn.” So I’m walkin’ him to the car, mad about the wrong thing. I’m walking him to the car. “‘Shit, damn.'” Really? ‘Shit, damn.’ I’m one of the original Kings of Comedy and you up in here talkin’ ’bout some ‘shit, damn, damn.’ Get your ass in the car! “You know how to cuss.” So you can see where my parenting skills are off a little bit. You can understand. “Shit, damn.” Shit is embarrassing. My little daughter, she 12. She real intelligent though. She be asking you questions you can’t answer. We had people over. I’m there. We doin’ grown-up shit. We got a little wine goin’. We in the kitchen laughing, talking. Got company. She gonna walk in. “Daddy, do animals commit suicide?” “What?” Come on, don’t do me like that. You see these damn people over here. Don’t be asking me shit like that. I ain’t thought of that before. Do animals commit suicide? Google it. Shit. Google the shit. I don’t know. “Maybe. Maybe, you know.” You ever thought about it? Maybe though. Maybe? You ever see a possum dead on the side of the road? You ever think that maybe that possum just was… tired of being a possum? N i g g a just… hanging out with the other possums, like, “You know what?” “I don’t even give a fuck no more, dawg.”

[audience laughing]

The other possum like, “Don’t walk out on the street, Daryl.” “You can’t tell me what to do, Wayne.” I mean, I’m ugly. Don’t nobody like us. “Fuck it.” [imitates horn honking, body thudding] It got ran over by a Crown Vic on 26th, this n i g g a. Possums standing over him. “He deader than a motherfucker.” They all like, How do I Say good-bye? “Oh, that dawg, man. We loved Daryl.” Give your kids a goldfish. Have it in that little tank on the dresser. Leave for two days. Come back. Goldfish on the dresser, dead. That’s suicide, isn’t it? That goldfish knew there wasn’t no water outside that tank. But he swim around that tank for two days like, “Man, this some bullshit, man.” I’m a fish. I know I ain’t supposed to go in no circle for three damn days. “You know, that treasure chest ain’t even got shit in it. Fuck it.” [grunts]

[audience laughing]

[woman cackling] Dead. On your dresser. Suicide. Know them bugs that run into your windshield when you driving the highway? Them bugs know what they doing, n i g g a. That’s jihad. Them bugs see your car lights. They like, “For the love of Allah!” Suicide. Wow, last year, man. So much shit going on. Crazy shit in the news. I saw this shit on the news. Threw me off. This lady, 55, just had a baby. I was like, “Damn. That’s pretty late be havin’ a damn baby.” But don’t get me wrong, if you 55 and wanna have a baby, go on ahead, have a damn baby. I just find it rude and inconsiderate, personally. You gotta think about this. You 55. That means she already got kids that got kids. When they go visit grandmama, they gotta deal with their little aunt or uncle. You gotta be thinkin’ about it. That gotta be fucked up. You eight, nine. You go to your grandmama’s house to go play… Here come this little motherfucker, “Hey, unh-unh, whoa, whoa!” Where you think you goin’? No, pick me up, take me upstairs and change my diaper. Then you can go outside. I’m sorry, what? I’m your little uncle, that’s who I am, goddamn it, shit. Put that on Disney Channel, put something in my sippy cup, then you can go outside, but other than that… come again? I’m your little uncle, that’s who I am, motherfucker. Your mama’s my sister. Respect the hierarchy around here, shit. “Don’t give a damn how old I am.” Fucking little-ass uncle. What a trip, man. Saw this shit too. I saw Lamar Odom… God bless Lamar Odom. I’m glad I saw him. He doin’ a’ight, but that was a little scary. The scary thing… it let me know I’d been out the game for a long time. Scary thing, I was glad he was all right, but when shit hit the news, told me he had spent $75,000 for two chicks, I was like, “Ooh! When I was…” I kinda… I kinda been out of the game for a while. This n i g g a seemed to raise the Blue Book on these bitches right here. N i g g a, that’s… That’s… “That’s pretty expensive.” As soon as he did that, at your local strip club, all the girls went up. They heard them girls got 35,000 a piece. They was like, “Unh-unh, table dances…” Table dances is $80, Latrell.”

[audience laughing]

That my black stripper dance right here. [audience laughing] [audience laughing continues] You be, “Hey, baby, let me get a piece of gum.” “I ain’t chewing no gum.” “Wait. You not chewing gum right now?” “No, motherfucker… This how you do the dance, n i g g a.” “So you sayin’ you not chewing gum right now.” “No, motherfucker, I’m in my job. Do you chew gum at your job?” [audience laughing] All I know is that shit make me want some gum like a motherfucker. [chuckles] That’s the difference too. ‘Cause you go down South, they got that shake-a-booty style. I live in LA. They got the more corporate strip club… It’s all about the up-top game. There, the girl’s like, “Oh, my God, how are you?” Yeah. Yeah. “Yeah, you like that? You like that?” “Uh, no, not really, baby.” Brothers, we be wanting that goddamn bass, n i g g a. You go there, you be seeing… You come down here… I went to Atlanta one time, saw a girl… Her ass was so fat, I thought I had on 3-D glasses, n i g g a. I was, “Ooh!” Ooh, I gotta take these off! That’s too close. “Ooh, that’s givin’ me a headache. Is that too close for you?” I can’t wear these. I can’t wear these and look at her. ‘Cause they got that shake-a-booty style. That style right there. You ever notice, once you a stripper and do the shake-a-booty style, you can’t stop doing it. Anybody know somebody that used to strip and don’t no more? They’ll just do this shit in regular life sometimes. They be at the bank about to cash their check. You be behind them with your check like… “You know what, give me that in all ones, my n i g g a, a’ight? I didn’t know y’all was doing it like that up in here today.” They’re doing it big. No, it’s a condition. They don’t know they doing it. It’s something like stripper Tourette’s. The stripper Tourette’s. You don’t know you’re doing it. You don’t strip no more. You have moved on in life. You got your real estate license and everything, you know. [mumbles] But don’t let your song happen to come on. It’s just a… You can’t help it. Even in your mind you might hear your song and just do stripper shit. They be about to check out at the grocery lane and don’t even know they doing stripper shit. Boop.

[dance music]

Boop. Boop. “Excuse me. These two-for-one? “That’s what I thought. Okay.” Boop. Boop. “Twan, put that down. You can’t have that. Unh-unh.”

[dance music continues] – “Y’all take coupons?” Oh, good. I’m about to make it rain in this motherfucker.” I’m-a drop it down, pick it up Twerk this ass Just make sure you be throwing the cash And make the rain come down Rain come down And make the rain come down Rain come down [chuckling] Little kid’s like, “Mama, what is you doing?” Like, “Ooh, baby. Mama got to get home and take a No-strip-itol.” I got to take… 400 milligrams of No-strip-itol. I’ve got a condition. “I need my medication.” I’m feeling good, man. I just had a birthday. [cheering, applauding] Wow, man. You get old and you don’t even realize it. You feel good. But when you get older, you know you getting older ’cause old shit happen to you. Like, in your mind, you still young. But then you be doing regular life and some old shit happen to you, like, “Ooh, I’m older than a mofo.” Like you be pouring cereal and your knee go out. “Oh! Shit.” Mmm. I’m gonna have to stop fucking with these Honey Nut Cheerios, n i g g a… “if that’s going to happen every time.” Dude, we got one little move that we know we old. When we can’t just step into the car no more. You know your ass old when you leave like this. “All right, I’m gonna holler at y’all.” “Tell you mama Roosevelt came by here.” Your ass old, n i g g a. I know I’m old ’cause I got old-ass friends. It ain’t got shit to do with me. I feel good, but my friends be old and doing old shit. I’m like, “Damn. I’m one of y’all, ain’t I?” Idiots in the club arguing over blood pressure medicine and shit. “Would you stop talking about your damn prescriptions in the club?” We at a club, my boy taking his pills, girl walk up to him, “Is that a Molly? Can I get one?” I’m like, “Girl, you better not take that shit right there.” Your goddamn glucose level’s gonna go up so high. Don’t. No. No. Don’t. “Don’t take that shit he on, baby.” My boy, he’s trying to be hip. He trying to be on social media. His old ass. Talking about “Follow me @Willy Earl.” [laughs] Man, ain’t nobody gonna follow nobody named Mr. Willy Earl on goddamn Instagram. Goddamn. Mr. Willy Earl. He in the club with some damn shape-ups on. So every time he stop, he just rocking for no reason, n i g g a. “Man, there’s a few of them in here tonight, ain’t it?” “N i g g a, if you don’t stop all that damn rocking.” “I can’t help it. It’s the shoes, you know. Joe Montana wear these right here.” He’s 60-something. He won’t tell us how old he is. He had downloaded his damn… He got an iPhone 6 and downloaded his music on there for ringtones. I’m like, “Willy Earl”, come on, man, don’t put those old-ass records on there, man.” A ringtone for young people, man. You ain’t supposed to… When your phone rings, it supposed to be some cool shit come on. Fuck up some commas Fuck up some commas, yeah Sure enough, we in a club, this motherfucker’s phone rings. Sit yourself down, girl, and talk to me Let’s straighten it out Like, “N i g g a, is that Latimore on your damn phone?” I ain’t know you could download Latimore, man.” He gonna answer his phone, “Hello. This is Willy Earl.” Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Yes. Where did you find me? “On Okay, thank you.” Oh, damn old ass. Like I say, he’s 60-something, man, but he got a girlfriend like 28, 29.

[audience cheering]

He be bragging too, like, “Hey, boy, hey.” [chuckles] “Hey, boy, I’m still out there in the game, boy, you know?” I’m picking ’em up and I’m putting ’em down. I get it like I live. You know? “I told the bitch ‘If I got four quarters, I couldn’t call it.’ You know?” He trying to keep up with that young-ass girl. He got a pocketful of Viagras and Cialis and Levitras. N i g g a just eating them all day like they sunflower seeds. “I’ll stay ready so I ain’t got to get ready.” [laughs] He be offering them to you like they Altoids. “You want a Cialis, my n i g g a?” No? All right.” I caught him one day with a Cialis sweetheart necklace on. “Trying to find one of my Levitras.” Got this damn election going on. Boy. Goddamn Donald Trump, man. He’s an ignorant little motherfucker. Like he’s been eating Cheetos and just rubbed it on his face. I ain’t never seen a tan that goddamn orange. This fool talking about he gonna build a wall to stop the Mexicans from coming in. Come on, Donald. Nobody gonna stop no damn people from Mexico with no damn wall. We already see El Chapo. We know they doing tunnels already. Plus, I just was in Mexico. They heard we were gonna build a wall. Everybody in Mexico practicing already, getting ready to come here. Everybody heard we were building a wall. They down there getting ready. As soon as we build a wall, everybody learning how to pole vault. What a wall gonna be… 15-, 16-feet tall? Them n i g g a s on the other side of the wall like this. rale! “17’2″, motherfucker!” He’s on the other side like, “Throw the stick back, homes! Fucking Hector, you took the stick with you, bro.” This motherfucker here. And I don’t know who be voting for him. Anybody in here… A show of hands. Who be voting for Donald Trump? Anybody? Nobody ever say it. One motherfucker. There’s Trump. There go Trump, dude. There’s got to be one. Every time he win, it be a thousand people voting for Trump. And I’d be like, “Who the fuck?” ‘Cause every time I see he won, it’s just surprising as like seeing your one girl cousin that dress like a boy, but she show up at the family reunion pregnant. Everybody like, “Who the fuck is fucking Mr. Cynthia?” I can’t figure it out. Who? I think Hillary want to win just so she can get Bill back. She going to be in the Oval Office with somebody under her desk, n i g g a, like, “I’m the captain now! Look at me. I’m the captain now.” Everybody think they can do what Barack did, man. They gonna come in and just try to do their job. Barack did his thing, man. – [cheering] – Barack did his thing, man. As the president, if they keep fucking with him, I don’t know if he gonna make it all the way to the end. Barack might quit like that black lady did on the news. Remember? Wake up one day, go, “Fuck this shit! I ain’t going through this shit.” Just leave. I know he ain’t gonna put on no suit that last day. That last day, Barack ain’t gonna put on no suit. He gonna walk to that helicopter in Jordan flip-flops with his hat backwards, wave cap on, n i g g a. “Michelle, Sasha, Malia, y’all coming? Oh, get some of those sheets. I like that thread count on that shit.” I don’t know why they be messing with that man like that, man. Barack, he the only one who really could have been the first black president. For real. Look around. I mean, look at yourselves. Come on, now. We like to fight too much. Everybody in this room be like… We can’t have nobody say shit about us. Barack be holding that shit in. Every now and then, that negro do show up though. Black people see it. We see it first. We like, “Ooh, there it is. He about to trip.” Not long ago, he was talking about I’ve done all I can do with this and that. “Right, ’cause you can’t go again!” Barack was like, “Because I won ’em all, fuck, boy, pussy.” You got to listen to the tape slow. You got to play it real slow. “Fuck, boy, pussy, n i g g a, I won everything. Just saying.” Like, damn, Barack. Motherfucking thug. I don’t know why they be talking about he soft. Barack been taken some serious folks out. I’m talking about Osama bin Laden, merked. Muammar Gaddafi, merked. All the Somalia pirates, done. Shit. Barack got to fuck around and get some tattoo tears, n i g g a, shit. He the only president in the US history looking like Kevin Gates over there. I got two phones Thug, dawg. I like coming down South too, man. Somebody ask me, “Why you do your special in Nashville, Ced?” I’m, like, “What?” Nashville’s the city, man. – Y’all know it.


Burning up all this energy right here. All these dope colleges down here, man. ‘Cause you got energy, man. People ain’t know that. They gonna see it on this special. They gonna see it though. They gonna be like, “Damn! I ain’t know it be popping like that.” – Yeah, man!


The city’s known for country music. That’s what everybody kind of think. It’s about the country music down here. And I like country music. Don’t get me wrong. Some of ’em really got hot. And it got interesting too. Like, I’m in my room in the hotel not too long ago… A couple years back, I hear a country western song come on with hip-hop language in it. Shit threw me off. I’m in my room chillin’… Y’all heard of “Honky Tonk Badonkadonk”? This is a real goddamn song, man. I’m in my room and that shit goin’ in, dawg. I’m in my room chillin’. She was a honky tonk badonkadonk You don’t have to knows it She got me goin’ She got it goin’ on Like Donkey Kong N i g g a, I be in my room line dancing like a mother. Swear to God. Didn’t even know I was doing the shit, dawg. I caught myself in the mirror, n i g g a, just… That’s the other thing too… You be down South, you get outside, like, the city limit you get into that little country area, you’ll run into some of them good old boys out there, man. They be corn-fed, cock-strong motherfucking boys. Been lifting baby bulls since they was six-years-old and shit. Be strong as hell. They daddy be like, “Trevor, go put those baby bulls in my pickup truck.” “All right, Daddy.” [imitates mooing] Before they’re six, with one arm, throwing a bull up in a truck. [imitates mooing] And them mothers will fight your ass too. That’s the thing about it. Black people, we think just ’cause we born black we can beat up white dudes. In our minds, we like, “White boy, I’ll beat your motherfucking ass.” You better go on with that bullshit, boy.” You don’t do that shit in the country, man. Trying to tell you that shit ain’t gonna go like you think at all. That mofo be like, “Come on, son of a bitch!” Whoo! “Let’s go, bubba, let’s do it, baby!” You be like, “Everybody just need to calm down for a second. Listen.” Listen, is it Trevor? It’s Trevor, right? Is it Trevor? “Let me get you a beer, bro. Shit.” Fuck. I ain’t trying to get Bobby Boucher down this bitch. It’s totally different than black country. Black country is a whole ‘nother dialogue altogether. I got some country-ass cousins… It’s fast and it’s country and it all ran together. You don’t know what the fuck they be saying. I got a cousin excited to see me. Every time he see me, “Hey, coz.” Hey… [rapid babbling].” “Huh?” “Hey… [rapid babbling].” [rapid babbling continues] “Hey… [rapid babbling].” “Why you like… [rapid babbling]. [laughs] Goddamn it.” “What?” I’m gonna need closed captions for your ass, n i g g a. I don’t have… “I have no idea what you just said, motherfucker.” Trip is, I’m talking to one of my cousin’s friends, he talk faster than him. He walk up and introduce himself. “Charles Johnson. Everybody around here call me ‘Bominicious.'” Everybody around here call me Bominicious. It’s fine. “You call me that. Don’t even worry about it. Everybody call me Bominicious.” “Everybody call you ‘Bominicious'”? “Yeah, everybody in the whole city call me Bominicious. Don’t worry. You can call me that. Don’t worry about it.” “That’s what everybody calls you?” “Yeah, everybody calls me that.” So I’m like, “All right.” So all week long… my ass talking about, “Bominicious, what up, boy?” “Hey, Bominicious, you gonna come over here watch the game with us?” “Hey, Bominicious, run to the store, grab some beer, come on back.” My coz said, “What’d you call him?” “Bominicious. He said everybody called him Bominicious. It’s all right for me to call him that.” “No, man, his name is C.J.” He saying, “You can call me by my initials.” That’s what he saying. C.J. I been calling that boy Bominicious all week. “By my initials,” is what he’s saying. This shit is embarrassing. “Why you ain’t say nothing? You heard me call you Bominicious.” “I couldn’t understand you. I ain’t know what you talking about.” “You couldn’t understand me? Okay. All right. All right. Okay. I deserve that.” We had a little wild-ass year. We had a wild-ass year. Lot of little stars was getting, like, locked up in the last couple of years. Little Chris Brown in and out of jail. Little Chris Brown finally got it together. That mofo get locked up, get out of jail, get locked up, threw a rock at his mama’s car, went back to jail, got locked up. Little n i g g a gonna learn…

These jails ain’t loyal, n i g g a Wesley Snipes had to go to jail couple of years ago. Passenger 57 was inmate 135267. He was locked up. Ron Isley had to go to jail. Even Mr. Bigg was in the big house. I heard somebody, “Oh, Lord. Jesus!” No, he fine, baby. He out. She go, “Oh, Lord!” No, he okay. He all right. Matter of fact, he in the studio right now doing a remix to Akon’s song “Locked Up.” But doing it Ron Isley style. So you know that shit buttery than a motherfucker, n i g g a. I’m locked up La da da da da da da Ooh, ooh, ooh Locked up Well, well, well, well, well La da da da La I was locked up I was locked up “Locked Up” remix. Buttery as hell. I been feeling good, man, you know. Trying, you know, to take care of yourself. Got to take care of yourself, man. You know, everybody all upset. Everybody all angry. The world is angry as hell, for good reason. Lot of bullshit going on out there. Like all this year, all the violence where police were killing kids. I got a little boy, man. I’m concerned about this shit. Like police will just shoot a little black kid. Same motherfucker will jump in a raging river to save a dog. That’s why every time my boy leave the house, I’m like, “Take the puppy with you, n i g g a. That’s all I know.” He’s walking around with a Yorkie on a goddamn key chain. “I’ll just take him with me.”

All I know is black Labs’ lives matter, n i g g a. I’ve know that. I had to defend my dawg couple times in the year… Steve Harvey. I had to come to his defense. First, about the Miss Universe shit. Everybody was upset about it. I called him that night. I had to hit him with the Menace II Society. I’m like, “You know you fucked up, right?” You know you fucked up? “You fucked up. You fucked up.” But a couple of months before that, people was mad at him ’cause he put Paula Deen on his talk show, and everybody was mad, man. “Ced, why your boy got Paula Deen on the talk show?” First of all, it’s a talk show, motherfucker. Hold on. Somebody got to be on there talking. Give him a minute, you know. But I get it. I understand. Black people, we were mad ’cause Paula Deen, you know, real, on the low, we mad Paula Deen said the N-word. ‘Cause, on the low, we fucks with Paula Deen. ‘Cause Paula Deen cook the way we like shit. So it kind of hurt us when Paula Deen said the N-word at all. When Paula Deen be on TV, she like, “First, I’m gonna take some biscuits, then put them in the oven,” and I’m gonna take some butter and put that on top of there, and then take some bacon and crumble it on top and melt some cheese all over it. “And we’ll take some gravy and sop it up through there.” We be in the house like, “Oh, shit!” God damn, Paula Deen, that shit sounds good as a motherfucker there!” That’s why it hurt us when she said it. God damn, Paula Deen. When you think about it, anybody cook a sweet potato pie that good, got to say n i g g a every now and then, you know. But I ain’t talking about no egregious-ass shit. When you first taste it to make sure it’s good. You like, “N i g g a! Yeah.” N i g g a. Might want to get you a little piece of that right there, boy. N i g g a. “N i g g a.” Animals all mad and shit. So much shit going on, like, animals are upset. Rightly so. In Ohio, a couple of years ago, this dude had, like, a zoo at his house with real zoo animals. He got up one day and let ’em go in a regular-ass neighborhood. “Hyah! Get on out of here! Hyah! Hyah! Go on now!” That ain’t for black people right there, that shit. This n i g g a had lions and tigers and bears, oh, my! You know us. We scared when somebody’s dog get loose. I couldn’t even imagine walking through a Walmart parking lot and seeing a loose-ass lion. N i g g a, you like… “Is that a lion, n i g g a?” Don’t move! Don’t move! “I heard you ain’t supposed to move.” You be coming up with all kinds of shit. I don’t even know what you supposed to do you see a loose-ass lion. Somebody talk about “Run!” N i g g a, your ass can’t outrun no damn lion. I don’t know about y’all, but I would try to Jedi mind-trick that motherfucker. If I saw a loose-ass lion, I would turn into a lion tamer. That lion came at me, I’ll be like, “Ha! Sit, Abar!” I am Cedric! “Hup! Sit!” The lion would be looking at me, “Do I know you, motherfucker?” “I’m just trying not to get ate, Lion. Doing the best I can, you know.”

Saw this shit on YouTube the other day. This lady was at the zoo and got kicked by a giraffe. I don’t know what your ass did to make a giraffe mad. Do you know how irritating your ass gotta be for a giraffe to haul off and kick the shit out of you? Giraffe is usually one of the cooler animals at the damn zoo. They all long and lanky. Be walking around like a ballplayer. They got the eyelashes that’s all fleek and shit, n i g g a. I don’t know what this lady said, but that giraffe had had enough of her ass. She up and said something, that giraffe went like, “Bitch, shut the fuck up!” But he knew he had fucked up, so that n i g g a ran off and shit. He tried to mix in with the other giraffes and shit. They going, “We see your ass, Dwayne.” You know damn well you weren’t supposed to kick that lady.” And chickens have had a hard couple of years. Ooh. It’s got to be rough if you a damn chicken when you think about it. ‘Cause chickens, man, we love damn chicken. So if you a chicken, you can’t be out on the farm making plans and shit. Talking about, “Yeah, I think next Saturday we should all get together” and go over to Reggie’s house…” N i g g a, you going to be 86ed Wednesday. Your ass ain’t gonna make it to goddamn Saturday. You gonna be on somebody’s grill, dawg. There’s been a lot of controversy around chicken. The last couple of years… It started with the Chick-fil-A man. The Chick-fil-A man didn’t want gay people to eat chicken. He made a statement and everything. “Your ass gay, don’t come over here and eat no motherfucking chicken.” I could be paraphrasing. I could be off a little bit. But I believe it’s an exact quote if you look it up. “Don’t bring your punk ass here to eat no goddamn chicken.” I could be off by a word or two, but I believe it’s somewhere right in there. He’s like, “Don’t bring your punk ass over here” try to eat no goddamn chicken up in here, is what I’m saying.” Damn, Chick-fil-A man, that’s aggressive. Black people, we had to deal with it a couple of years ago with, you know, Mary J. Blige. She ended up singing the chicken song for Burger King and that kind of offended us. Well, one, that’s a stereotype that we love chicken. You know. And we do. We just don’t want no motherfucker singing about that shit though. It’s already hard enough. We can’t eat watermelon at the company picnic, n i g g a. We be at the company picnic like, “You know damn well y’all waiting on me to get that goddamn watermelon. I ain’t doing that.” You like, “Trevor, put some watermelon on your plate” and bring that shit over here for me, man. “I ain’t doing that shit.” I wasn’t even really upset that Mary J. had sang about chicken. I was more upset that she Mary J. Bliged the shit more than anything. You ever hear the song? I want some chicken With lettuce Lettuce and cheese I want some chicken I’m like, “Mary, no, you didn’t just Mary J. that bitch like that.” When I found out she got paid $2 million to sing that song, I was like, “Shit.” Somebody going to ask me, “Ced, would you do that shit? Sell out like that for $2 million?” I’m like, “N i g g a, for $2 million”, I’ll sing the song as Mary J. Blige, n i g g a.” I’m talking about boots on and everything. Whole thing. $2 million. I’d sing the chicken national anthem so goddamn well. You’d look up, n i g g a, I’d be, Oh, say Can you see Order me a two-piece With some wings and some pie Oh, yes, I love me some Popeye And I love KFC Church’s really do please me.

Hey, Nashville! That’s my time, man! I appreciate y’all. Cedric the Entertainer. Thank y’all for being here. A holler!

[marching band playing]

Thank y’all! Appreciate it. Give it up for Ced – Cedric – Give it up for Ced Damn, that’s hot. Give it up for Ced Cedric Bam! I’m center stage. I want to feel it right away. We can fire it up. Just get like… Give it up for Ced Does it make it weird? The Entertainer – I’m a great dancer. I was on Soul Train. [laughing] I like what’s happening, what’s goin’ on.

[jazz music continues]

Let’s check it out. Yeah, come up, rock, boom, boom. It’s a lot of choreography. Catch your breath. [chuckles] Soon as the band starts up, y’all get to rocking though. They going off. This is it.

[music stops]

It’s all right. [chuckles] It done blazing, right?

[imitating drumming]

[music ends]


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Ramy Youssef Monologue SNL March 2024

Ramy Youssef Monologue – SNL | Transcript

Host Ramy Youssef performs stand-up about the holy month of Ramadan, getting a call from the Biden campaign and ends with a prayer for the end of suffering in Gaza and for the liberation of all hostages.

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