Catherine Cohen: The Twist…? She’s Gorgeous (2022) | Transcript

A sparkling cocktail of standup and song about looking for love, the absurdity of marathons and burying someone alive.
Catherine Cohen: The Twist...? She's Gorgeous

I’m starring in a show!

I’m Catherine and I dance very beautiful!

[man] Hey, Catherine.

[young Catherine laughs]

No pictures. No pictures. No pictures.

Well, I’m just gonna walk into the TV.

[woman] You are?

Yeah.

[woman] That’s magic.

I know.

♪ Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha ♪

♪ Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha Ha, ha, ha ♪

[Catherine] ♪ Ha, ha, ha ♪

♪ Ha, ha, ha ♪

[laughs]

I feel completely insane, but I look literally stunning.

[knock on door]

[man] That’s five.

Yes. Thank you, Knock.

Thank you, Five.

Thank you…

[groaning melodramatically]

[hyperventilating]

[audience applauding, cheering]

[male announcer] Hello, New York City. Welcome to Joe’s Pub. Please give a thunderous, warm welcome to Catherine Cohen.

[audience applauding, cheering]

[whistling]

Seriously. Stop. I’m shy.

[audience laughs]

♪ Hello ♪

[audience member whoops]

Oh, my God. [laughs] I have an amazing voice.

[laughter]

Wow. Look at me doing comedy in a rhinestone romper.

[laughter]

Against all odds. Bet you’re wondering how I got here. Well, baby, [chuckles] I’ll tell you.

[audience whoops]

♪ When I was a little girl ♪

♪ Gazing out my window Looking at the world ♪

♪ Wishing time would just go On and on and on ♪

♪ And take me to a new place ♪

♪ Where I’d sing a song And meet a fresh face ♪

Hey!

♪ How do we find our calling? ♪

♪ How do we know where we belong? ♪

♪ If we harbor enough Resentment in our teens ♪

♪ We can write a catchy and funny song ♪

Whoo!

♪ Boys never wanted to kiss me ♪

♪ So, now I do comedy ♪

♪ Boys never wanted to kiss me ♪

♪ So, I need all of you to look at me ♪

♪ Look at me, look at me Look at me, look at me, oh ♪

♪ Look at me, look at me Look at me, look at me, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Look at me, look at me Look at me, look at me please, please ♪

♪ Please ♪

♪ Look at me, look at me Look at me, look at me, uh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ When I was a tweenage girl ♪

♪ At the big school dance I playfully grabbed Andrew’s hat ♪

♪ And away I pranced ♪

♪ It was a flirty thing I’d seen some of the skinny hot girls do ♪

♪ But Andrew was just like ♪

“Gimme my hat back.”

♪ I cried the whole way home ♪

♪ I thought Stealing someone’s hat was sexy ♪

♪ But now I sing in dimly lit bars ♪

♪ Andrew voted for Trump and has a car ♪

I don’t have one.

♪ Boys never wanted to kiss me ♪

♪ So, now I do comedy ♪

I don’t have a car. Lunge out.

♪ Boys never wanted to kiss me ♪

♪ So, I need all of you to look at me ♪

Seriously, please.

♪ Look at me, look at me Look at me, look at me, oh ♪

White boot.

♪ Look at me, look at me Look at me, look at me, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

Hit my clit.

♪ Look at me, look at me Look at me, look at me, please, please ♪

♪ Please ♪

♪ Look at me, look at me Look at me, look at me, oh, oh, oh ♪

Yeah. Bridge.

♪ This is healthy ♪

♪ What I’m doing is healthy ♪

♪ This is a good way To work shit out, yeah ♪

♪ For the record I’ve met boys who wanna kiss ♪

♪ Some even wanna Put their dick in my mouth ♪

♪ But it’s never enough ♪

Help! Spin. Okay.

♪ Boys never wanted to kiss me ♪

♪ So, now I do comedy in New York City ♪

Give it up.

[audience cheers]

♪ Boys never wanted to kiss me ♪

♪ So, I need all of you to look at me ♪

Seriously, please.

♪ Look at me, look at me Look at me, look at me, oh ♪

Hair flip.

♪ Look at me, look at me Look at me, look at me, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

I’m unwell.

♪ Look at me, look at me Look at me, look at me, please, please ♪

♪ Look at me, look at me Look at me, look at me, oh, oh ♪

Big finish. Ready? Hey.

♪ Look at me ♪

[cheering and applause]

Give it up for Henry Koperski on the keys.

[audience cheers]

So, welcome to heaven. This my show. [laughs] You look at me, you think, “Okay. She has it all.” And it’s true. I do. Ooh. I’m young. Oh. I’m gorgeous. Ooh. But, just this morning, I had one sip of cold brew and ruined my only butthole.

[laughter]

Stars, they’re just like us. I am so happy to be doing this in New York City.

[cheering]

Mmm! New York City, where I, for lack of a better term, do actually “live.”

The other day, I was dry-swallowing my birth control pill as I Citi Biked up the Williamsburg Bridge and I was like, “Oh, my God. I guess I am the voice of my generation.” And it’s exhausting, but someone has to do it. [burps] I’m sorry…

[audience laughs]

Oh, I’m sorry. I literally can’t stop creating content. If this gets too tall, I will try to fuck it. So we have to… She has a type.

I recently quit my job because I couldn’t wake up and go there. Does that resonate with anyone?

Yeah.

So, now I’ve been doing a lot of lying on my bed, just kind of waiting for the retweet, that’ll [clicks tongue] turn it all around.

Social media is perfect, ’cause you can watch people you barely know sort of unravel in real time. Which I absolutely foot pop j’adore. No, jealousy is cool, ’cause it’s like swallowing a house that you just set on fire.

[audience laughs]

Not to be this bitch, but a pandemic, colon? Not what I had in mind. So ran… Literally, so random. I was like, “I did not know this was an option.” I was way more concerned with things just falling on my head. There’s a lot of stuff that’s up. And here I am beneath. But a pandemic is what we ultimately got. Which was rock and roll, normal and cool.

The last year was absolutely exquisite. I gained a lot of weight over the last year, which isn’t good or bad. It isn’t good or bad. Not… It isn’t good or bad. So, it isn’t good or bad to gain weight because isn’t good or bad.

And can you tell I had therapy two times this week?

Yes.

Oh, my God. A standing ovation so early in the show. I did not see that coming. Um, but it’s cool.

One perk of gaining weight is that, obviously, my tits got huge. If you didn’t notice, it’s because you hate women. My tits got big enough that I can now, like all the great poets who came before me, titty fuck my boyfriend.

[audience cheers]

Thank you. Thank you. No, no. And that’s not why I do it.

I don’t like being the girl who’s like, [whining] “My boyfriend, my boyfriend,” I feel like girls who are like, [whining] “My boyfriend, my boyfriend,” are the same kind of girls who are like, [in nasal voice] “There is actually too much sugar in fruit.” [in normal voice] “So, for me, it’s a dessert.”

And then their mouth goes all the way around their face. But I can officially titty fuck my… Don’t you sometimes wish there were different words for things? But now my tits are big enough that I can wrap ’em ’round my boyfriend’s cock.

Did you think… Be honest. Did you think you’d hear “cock” this early in the show? Cock is such a porny word.

I famously love porn, if my boyfriend tells me the girl looks like me. Otherwise, it is bad for women. And that’s just where I stand on that issue.

So, I was, for the last time, titty fucking my boyfriend. Humble brag. And… when he came… [clicks tongue] Yeah. Could hear a freaking pin drop. When he came, [smacks lips] he made a sound I’ve never heard before. And I was like, “[chuckles] Okay. I’m a sex goddess.” I turn to him, I say…

[clicks tongue]

“How was that for you?”

And he goes, “It was actually almost painful.”

Um, feminist win much?

Yes. I’m doing the work.

Oh, there’s such a good energy in here. I… You’re family.

[audience cheers]

I love. I love.

What a summer. It’s been a time. I hate the summer. All I’ve ever done in a bikini is sob.

But one thing I love about summer, I have to say, is those hot, hot summer anthems. So, if the DJ could just drop that track real quick, that’d be sick.

I’m really more of a dancer than a comedian. Dancer first, choreographer second, model third, comedian fourth.

[audience whooping]

Shh. Let me do my thing.

♪ I don’t know if you heard Or if you hang on every word I say ♪

♪ But I got something I must share So, listen up, hey, hey ♪

♪ The weather’s getting hot And I am, oh, so ready to play ♪

♪ So, listen up and I’ll tell you How you can make my day ♪

♪ Make my day ♪

♪ Events, events I wanna go to events ♪

♪ Please, invite me to your events ♪

♪ Events, events I wanna go to events ♪

♪ Take me to your events ♪

♪ Don’t know if you know But it is known that I am just perfect ♪

♪ To take to a red carpet Where you must repeat and step ♪

♪ I know the poses ♪

♪ Yes, you know I slay the skinny arm ♪

♪ Because I’ve hated my arms Since I was a preteen ♪

♪ Thank you, patriarchy ♪

Yes!

♪ Events, events I wanna go to events ♪

♪ My life is hard I need to go to events ♪

♪ Events, events I wanna go to events ♪

♪ Take me to your events ♪

♪ Champagne flute, cocktail dress Uber, Lyft, Via, sure ♪

♪ Dress code, list at the door Don’t worry, I’ve done this before ♪

♪ People will send me shit for free ♪

♪ Friends say I look like fat Alison Brie ♪

♪ But they mean it in a nice way ♪

♪ Yes, they definitely Mean it in a nice way ♪

♪ Ah, ooh ♪

♪ Event ♪

♪ Take me to your events ♪

♪ Ah, ooh ♪

♪ Event ♪

♪ Take me to your events ♪

Bridge.

♪ Don’t insult me ♪

♪ Be a good host ♪

♪ No Facebook invite But only Paperless Post ♪

♪ If you ask me for my mailing address ♪

Step ball change.

♪ It will get lost ♪

♪ I must confess, because I move so much ♪

♪ Because I can’t afford rent ♪

Yes!

♪ Events, events, I wanna go to events My life is hard ♪

♪ I need to go to an event tonight ♪

♪ To fill the void that is inside ♪

♪ I must go to an event ♪

♪ Please, take me to your events ♪

[cheering]

Um, I think everyone has heard by now, but I want to be up front about this. I have some exciting news. I… [chuckles] recently read a book.

[scattered laughter]

[cheering]

Thank you. [mouthing] Thank you. I love you. I have a rare disease where if I read a book, the whole time I’m looking at it, I’m like, [chuckles] “Look at you. Reading a book.” “You stupid, stupid slut.” Just ’cause I don’t like to read, write, argue or be alone, doesn’t mean I’m not an intellectual.

[cheering]

That’s my crowd work.

I actually won a very prestigious award lately. Hold for applause. I won an award for leaving my home without my phone for 42 minutes.

Yeah. Thank you.

And, no, and that’s not why I do it. And that’s not why I do it. When I did that, I had what critics and fans alike are calling “a lady in a movie moment.”

“What’s that? What’s that? What could that possibly be? What is that?”

So, “a lady in a movie moment” is when something happens to you that might happen to a lady in a movie.

So, for example, if you, um… if you check the mail with your little key…

Lady in a movie.

[laughter]

If you hold a baguette… If you’re even near a baguette…

Lady in a movie.

And if you, say it with me, run into your ex on the street, that is full-blown, hundy p, lady in a…

[audience] Lady in a movie.

Thank you.

Oh!

It feels good to be at home.

So, I did recently, like a cartoon, have a lady in a movie moment.

I ran into my ex on the street. [scoffs]

And he was wearing a suit.

He looked incredible. Which is, as we know, illegal.

And I was wearing…

What’s it called when you, like, don’t shave your legs for three months and then you shave ’em really quick and there’s blood everywhere?

[audience laughs]

So, I was wearing that. And we ran into each other, and he’s one of these people who uses your name in a sentence. It’s like… Whoa. [chuckles] If you use my name in a sentence, you need to either fuck me or kill me. There’s no in-between.

On this occasion, he kind of chose to do neither, which was, of course, a power move and not at all related to how he feels about me.

I’m sorry. I just choked on my own human tongue.

Breakups are cool. Right? I’m a guy’s girl. Breakups are cool. Breakups are freaking sick. Breakups are cool because it’s like you have a best friend and then they die.

[audience laughs]

And then, instead of going to their funeral, you go and fuck a long-haired guy named Randy in the back seat of a red Mazda in the parking lot of a water park.

And when you ask him to drive you home, he goes, “I can’t. I’m on shrooms.”

What stage of grief is that?

Which one? No. Okay, that’s good.

Get back to me on that. I… I learned a lot from my ex, though. It’s cool.

I never thought, and I’m sorry, I get choked up when I talk about this.

But, I, um… [exhales]

Here I go again. He knows.

I never thought [sighs] that I could love someone who can watch an entire movie while sitting upright in a wooden chair.

But love works in mysterious ways.

I mean, she really, really does.

My ex and I lived together for three years.

And we actually kept living together two months after we broke up.

Which is, of course, say it with me, good for the environment.

Oops, I just ran for office.

Oops, I just won.

[audience laughs]

Thankfully… [chuckles] Imagine.

[audience laughs]

No, thank you.

[vocalizing whooshing] Um…

Whenever… Whenever I think… I’m like, “Who decides where the streets go?”

I think about that a lot.

And all I think is, “I am so glad that’s not my job.”

So, thankfully, I live by myself now.

When I first moved into my own apartment, I fully developed a, say it with me, new personality.

I have a lot of new traits now.

I recently went to a Chipotle at 10:45 a.m.

Doctor’s orders.

And when I walked in, I was like…

‘Cause I’m cool. When I walk into Chipotle…

Up here, I’m all… At Chipotle, I get it.

I’m like…

[audience laughing]

[smacks lips]

I walk into a Chipotle and the guy working there…

Yes, a man. Important for the story.

He’s like, “What do you want?”

And I’m like, “Okay. He wants to have raw dog sex with me.”

No. I say, “Hello. I would like a chicken burrito bowl.”

“I know guac is extra and I’ll take the hottest sauce.”

He goes, “[scoffs] You sure?”

[moans]

I was like, “Oh, my God.”

[in young girl voice] “Am I sure?”

Mmm…

“I don’t know.”

“I never thought about that before.”

[smacks lips]

“I don’t think about big boy questions like that.”

“I’m just a little girly.”

“I think about little girly things like earrings.”

“And shoes. I don’t know about big boy stuff like that.”

“I’m just a little baby with titties.”

[in normal voice] Oh, I’m sorry. I just completely blacked out.

Did I do something?

Wait, did I say something annoying?

I don’t think we should kill all the men.

Hold for applause.

But I don’t think men should be allowed to make movies.

[audience member whoops]

Superhero movies are so boring I could melt into the Earth.

I don’t care about movies that are about, like, sand… or rope, or space.

The only kind of movies I want to watch are where a woman looks at herself in her medicine cabinet mirror and says…

[in deep voice] “Hello, stranger.”

[in normal voice] That’s kind of the genre that works for me.

That being said, I do wanna be the first person in a Marvel movie who’s never seen a Marvel movie.

So, DM me.

You know, it’s sad.

I do have a hard time with men, but even I… Even I can’t resist. Even I get a bit horny this…

[audience whooping]

…time of year.

♪ Love is in the air tonight ♪

♪ Those summer lights Are twinkling bright ♪

♪ I’m sitting here Sipping an iced coffee ♪

♪ I won’t feel bad for being A little bit naughty ♪

[audience laughs]

♪ I’ll eat a cookie or two ♪

♪ It’s just that time of year ♪

♪ I’ll stay out later than I should ♪

♪ Might have a glass of wine On a school night ♪

♪ Baby, it’s just that time of year ♪

♪ I’ll take the scenic route home ♪

♪ It’s just that time of year ♪

♪ I’ll dig a really deep hole ♪

♪ It’s just that time of year ♪

♪ I’ll keep digging that hole Till there’s a very deep hole ♪

♪ Baby, it’s just that time of year ♪

[exclaims]

♪ When I drag you in the hole ♪

♪ Babe, you won’t feel a thing ♪

♪ I’ve knocked you out with a shovel ♪

♪ When you wake up in that hole Wonderin’ how you got so low ♪

♪ Know it’s ’cause you touched My lower back at a party four years ago ♪

♪ And then you made That joke about raping me ♪

♪ And when I see your friends ‘Cause it’s that time of year ♪

♪ When the boys’ll close down the bar ♪

♪ I’ll let them know with my eyes ♪

♪ There will be no surprise ♪

♪ If you touch me I will destroy your life ♪

♪ And when you slowly die ♪

♪ ‘Cause it’s that time of year ♪

♪ When the nights They get, oh, so cold ♪

Brr.

♪ You’ll wish you were safe at home ♪

♪ Drinking with your bros ♪

♪ But instead you’re dying in a hole ♪

♪ ‘Cause you treated me Like I was your property ♪

♪ And ever since then You’ve been dead to me ♪

♪ And the last thing you see Will be my face ♪

Good night.

[audience applauding, cheering]

Ooh.

Okay. I feel so randomly safe with y’all. So comfortable.

Family, family, family.

I can reveal now, at this point in the program…

[laughs]

In high school, my nickname was Critter.

I think ’cause I’m conventionally attractive and…

[audience laughs]

I didn’t love it because Critter was shortened to “Crit.”

To me, that sounded a lot like “Clit.”

And I was like, “What’s happening with my one life?” But…

Honestly, now, like, I am a lot like a clit. I’m extremely sensitive, I love to be touched, and straight guys just don’t know what to do with me. Sometimes they want to fuck me, and sometimes they think I’m like a fun aunt ’cause my energy is like…

[hums]

And I’m always at restaurants moaning along when the waiter tells me the specials. I’m always like, “Mmm, risotto.”

Mmm. ‘Cause it’s always a mushroom risotto. Fuck yes!

[audience] Whoo!

Wow!

That mushroom risotto joke is an absolute banger.

Um… Thank you so much. Have a great night. No.

You wish. You sick fucks.

But I got more to give.

I actually was supposed to go to my ten-year high school reunion recently.

But I couldn’t go because I was, um, jerking off on the floor of my apartment.

“Why the floor? Why the floor? Why the floor?”

I was too lazy to close the window curtain that looks into the bed.

So, I was like, “Floor it is.”

And I think everyone here knows, but I do actually have a mirrored armoire in my bedroom.

If you don’t know what an armoire is, now would be an awesome time to leave the show.

[audience laughs]

Thank you.

Bye.

So I’m jerking off on the floor.

And the way I do it is beached-whale style, which means I just lay on my hand and [trills] away.

And when I looked up into my mirrored armoire, I saw something I really wouldn’t wish on anyone.

I saw… [chuckles] in its organic, hardy, grass-fed, natural state… my O face.

Without the performance of sex, the pressure of another, I saw what I looked like when I cum, which is…

[audience laughing]

So, when I cum, this is actually my O face.

I don’t want to be like this.

By the way, if my face was symmetrical, I would not be up here doing this shit.

Goes without saying, I don’t want to be this way.

I want to be the kind of girl who just wears jeans.

I wish I could do… You know when people do that?

I can’t jump even a little.

This is literally me jumping as high as I can.

I wish I could be the kind of girl who’s like…

Sometimes people’s legs go up.

I want to be the kind of girl who just doesn’t like the taste of beer.

The kind of girl who can save half a sandwich for later.

The kind of girl who can go into a coffee shop and just stare at sheet music.

[sighs]

Just clutch it and stare at it and be like, “I get this.”

[audience laughs]

I want to be the kind of woman who’s out to lunch with friends, she’s draped in silks, draped in silks, draped in silks.

The restaurant, of course, white tablecloth, white tablecloth.

And she starts to laugh because she remembers something funny, a memory maybe.

But before she does, she stops herself.

She says…

[laughing]

“I was in love once.”

So that’s the kind of girl I want to be.

But I have career goals too.

[woman] Whoo!

Girl boss.

Um, I really, really… And this is serious.

This is off the record. I really want to wear a bonnet on screen.

Does anyone have one?

I have such a face for hats.

I have the world’s roundest face. Thank you.

No. Don’t all stand up at once.

I really want to wear a bonnet on screen. Um…

And then my second career goal is I want to be in a film where I’m going on a first date, and as I’m kissing my suitor goodnight, I close the door shut to my apartment, and then I turn around and I just…

Yes. I slide against that door.

I hooked up with a guy I met on a first date once ’cause I’m a slut.

Take back the word.

And mid-moment, he was like, “Oh, yeah. I love that fat, fat ass.”

And I was like… “Maybe one fat was enough.”

[audience laughs]

I do. I do. I… I know.

I gravely want to be thin because of society.

[playing piano]

Because thin privilege is real.

If you’re thin… This is my ideal body type.

If you’re thin, you can be famous for smoking a cigarette and looking sad.

If you’re fat and there’s a photo of you smoking a cigarette and looking sad, it’s a campaign for something.

It’s some D.A.R.E. shit. You know what I mean?

[chuckles]

But mostly I want to be thin so I can wear whatever clothes I want, whenever I want.

Because, as we all know, women’s clothing sizes are totally fucked.

And that’s what this song’s about.

♪ Don’t understand Why y’all won’t make bigger clothes ♪

♪ I want the styles that you’re making A size zero ♪

♪ Don’t understand why Y’all won’t just listen to me ♪

♪ You dumbass bitch I am just trying to give you my money ♪

♪ Take my money, take, take my money Make it easy on me ♪

♪ Take my money, take, take my money Just make a size 14, okay ♪

♪ Take my money, take, take my money A lot of fat people have money ♪

♪ So, take my money, please ♪

♪ Can’t figure out how many hours I have logged ♪

♪ Sobbing in dressing rooms And fighting with my mom ♪

♪ I don’t have time to grab Thirteen pairs of jeans ♪

♪ Jeans are a myth They are a fraud ♪

♪ They are not relaxing ♪

♪ Tell me, have you ever felt at ease In a pair of jeans? ♪

♪ They are so stiff They’re an invention of the patriarchy ♪

♪ I know in the ’50s it was empowering To be like, “We’re wearing men’s pants” ♪

♪ But now they make women’s jeans so tight I can’t sit upright ♪

♪ Don’t get me started On boyfriend jeans ♪

♪ I’ve never been Thinner than any man that I have dated ♪

♪ I like a skeleton man It must be a subconscious thing ♪

♪ Like if I fuck this skinny guy I won’t have a chubby daughter ♪

♪ That I’ll have to fight with In the dressing room ♪

♪ Shout out to Urban Outfitters I mostly cry at Urban Outfitters ♪

♪ Why do they make All their clothes so tiny? ♪

♪ I love their stuff ♪

♪ I really, really love their stuff ♪

♪ And I wish they would make it bigger Now make it bigger so I could wear it ♪

♪ Take my money, take, take my money Make it easy on me ♪

♪ Take my money, take, take my money Just make a size 14, okay ♪

♪ Take my money, take, take my money ♪

[scatting] ♪ Money ♪

♪ So take my money please ♪

Bridge!

♪ Tell me, have you ever seen An old painting? ♪

♪ The skinny girl’s milking a cow The fat girl is just laying ♪

♪ Because, before, the richer the person The bigger they are ♪

♪ But even today, don’t you know Fat people still have credit cards ♪

♪ Take my money, make it easy on me ♪

♪ Take my money, take my money Make a size 14 ♪

Mosh pit me.

♪ Take my money, take ♪

Mosh me.

♪ Take my money ♪

Mosh me.

♪ Take my money please ♪

Mosh pit me.

♪ Because when I was younger I was traumatized trying to find jeans ♪

♪ That were the right size ♪

♪ If they fit around my waist They were way too long ♪

♪ I’d have to call my mom Have her bring me along to the tailor ♪

♪ I’d say cut ’em off Make ’em short enough for me ♪

♪ She’d go, “No, no, no. Just roll ’em up What if you grow?” ♪

♪ I’d say, “I don’t want to know What happens if I grow” ♪

♪ ‘Cause if I wear my jeans like that All the girls at school will go ♪

♪ “Why are your jeans rolled up You fat, fucking stupid bitch?” ♪

They won’t say that, but they’ll mean that.

You know what I mean?

♪ And now whenever I see A little girl on the street ♪

♪ I want to cry ♪

♪ I’m like, “Oh, my God You have no idea how bad it gets” ♪

♪ So, I put that shit out of my head ♪

♪ But sometimes I’ll be walking On the street in New York City ♪

I’ll see a person. I’ll say, “Oh, my God. Is that person okay?”

“Is that person okay?”

“That person’s so small.”

My friend will turn to me and say, “That’s a kid. That’s all.”

“That’s a kid. A lot of people have them.”

And if you thought about something other than yourself

♪ For five fucking seconds Maybe you’d know that ♪

♪ That you could Have a whole entire life ♪

♪ If you just stopped Constantly thinking about your size ♪

♪ But I said, “Society made me this way And I’ll never change” ♪

♪ ‘Cause I’m tired ♪

♪ Society made me this way And I don’t want to change ♪

♪ ‘Cause it’s hard to change That’s what I’ve learned ♪

♪ So I’ll blame my problems On someone else ♪

♪ Which is cool and healthy And really good to do ♪

♪ So take my money, won’t you? ♪

[applause and cheering]

[Catherine laughs]

Whenever I tell people I want to lose weight, they’re like, “You should go to the gym.” I’m like, “I know.”

For sure. [chuckles]

But whenever I go to the gym and I see people with abs, it’s like, “Why are you still here?”

“You did it.”

Like, “Get a hobby… for once.”

I don’t know.

I just… I know working out is good for mental health.

I do suffer from depression, or as I like to call it, “Crying because outside smells like the past.”

I love nostalgia. It hurts and feels bad.

Boop.

But when I go to the gym, I just cannot connect with those people.

If you’re someone who uses and cleans a blender every day, it’s like, “What’s really going on?”

[audience laughs]

What’s going on?

[playing piano]

If you’re someone who signs up for, like, “mud fuck run.”

Or it’s like, “We run for a month.”

“And you never come home.” It’s like, “What is that?”

I just worry about you.

And so… I’m gonna sing this song for you.

♪ I see you on the West Side Highway ♪

♪ In your Lululemons ♪

♪ It’s harrowing That you were born in 1997 ♪

♪ It seems to me like You really have it all going on ♪

♪ So why’d you post on Facebook That you’re running a marathon? ♪

♪ Why do you think we all want to know? ♪

Oh.

♪ What are you running from? What are you running from? ♪

♪ What are you running from? ♪

♪ Running a marathon Is clinically insane ♪

♪ What are you running from? ♪ [smacks lips]

♪ What are you running from? ♪

♪ Have you tried just telling your friend That you’re sad instead? ♪

♪ I like a gentle jog too, yeah It helps to shake things loose ♪

♪ When I jog I feel like I could Almost shit like I’m a normal girl ♪

♪ But when you tell me That you’re running 26.2 ♪

♪ It makes me think that you’re burying Years of inherited trauma ♪

♪ Why do you think we all want to know? ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ What are you running from? What are you running from? ♪

♪ What are you running from? ♪

♪ Running a marathon Is clinically insane ♪

♪ What are you running from, seriously? ♪

♪ What are you running from? ♪

♪ Have you tried just breaking up With that finance guy instead? ♪

♪ I like a finance dude, too, yes ♪

♪ Slept with one or two, too ♪

♪ One time I fucked one who had a jersey With his own name on it on his wall ♪

♪ And when I turned around He took the condom off ♪

♪ And when I turned back around I was like, “Wait, what?” ♪

♪ And he was like, “Wait, what?” ♪

♪ And I was like, “I saw what you did” ♪

♪ And then he called me a bitch ♪

♪ I was like, “I need money for the morning after pill” ♪

♪ And he threw forty dollars cash at me ♪

♪ And that was actually the first weekend I ever lived in New York City ♪

♪ What are you running… What are you running from? ♪

♪ Running a marathon is clinically insane What could you be running from? ♪

♪ What could you Possibly be running from? ♪

♪ Have you tried Just going for a little walk? ♪

♪ Or eating one of the little Boozy milkshakes? ♪

♪ Double the fun Why don’t you go to one of those places ♪

♪ Where they scrape Parmesan cheese Out of the big wheel? ♪

♪ Put that online, baby Oh, yeah, fill the void ♪

[cheering and applause]

At this point in the show, I know you’re thinking, “Okay. So, she’s beautiful and talented.”

“There’s no way that there’s anything up here.”

But I’m actually a brilliant poet and writer.

And so I’m gonna share some of my poetry.

Uh, could you give us a little mood music? I think that would be good.

[plays piano]

Oh, my God. Wow.

[audience laughs]

Takes me back.

[laughs]

Sorry. I just thought of something, but it’s for a different show.

[audience laughs]

Hmm.

[sighs]

“A poem I wrote last night when I couldn’t go to sleep, because there are no sheets on my bed because I perioded on my other sheets and cannot be bothered to put new ones on.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t text you back about borrowing my adult sized tutu for your sketch comedy show.”

“I was on the L train trying to recall how I knew the guy sitting across from me.”

“Turns out it was from sex. Thank you so much.”

So this next poem…

[audience laughs]

This is called “Poem I wrote after my therapist got mad at me for thinking everyone’s mad at me.”

“I just found out ‘dog’ isn’t short for something.”

“It’s actually just called a dog, which is fine with me.”

“I’m in the kitchen, alone. Which is romantic in a way.”

“Anything can be romantic if you sigh a lot.”

“One time, I told this guy I loved him.” He said, “I don’t know what love is.”

“Anyway, he just got engaged.” Thank you.

[audience laughs]

“Poem I wrote after I masturbated while wearing AirPods.”

It could happen to you, so be vigilant.

“Sometimes, being an adult means washing your hair.”

“Sometimes, the only way to know if a guy is definitely straight is if he Instagrams a building.”

“Sometimes I feel like if I look at my phone, I will die or worse, not die.”

“It’s insane when you ask someone to give you space and then they do.”

Thank you.

This next poem is called “A poem I wrote after you told me your ex is ‘actually really cool.'”

“A guy on the street said I looked like I was studying audio engineering in school.”

[audience laughs]

“He told me he liked my outfit. He told me to have a ‘cool day.'”

“I’m googling how long a stroke lasts.”

Thank you.

“Poem I wrote after you went down on me and then called me ‘dude.'”

[audience laughs]

“I have a disease where I never want to get out of the Uber.”

“Because then it means I have to be somewhere.”

“For years I’ve been suffering from a serious addiction to Adam Driver and Jason Schwartzman, even.”

“Maybe my crush hasn’t texted because I’m out of town.”

“But then again, I never told him I was going out of town.”

[audience laughs]

“I’m always horny and looking for somewhere to charge my phone.”

“The Paris Review came in the mail today and I performed reading it.”

“I can’t write if no one is watching.”

“I can’t stop checking my pussy for weird bumps.”

“One time I went to the doctor and when she told me I gained fifteen pounds, I was like, ‘That’s a lot.’ And she was just like, ‘Yeah.'”

Thank you.

[applause and cheering]

I love sex because it famously has no consequences.

[audience laughs]

I was recently at the Newark Airport. Brag.

And I saw a headline on a magazine. Vintage.

And it read, “Couple fucks themselves off side of cliff.”

Where were you?

When you found out?

How you were going to die?

Because for me, I was like, “Oh, that’s an option.”

[audience laughs]

I love fuck.

I have some sexual fantasies I want to share with you all.

My first sexual fantasy is that I’m in a mahogany room.

Built-in bookcases. Built-in bookcases. Built-in bookcases.

And I’m sitting in a velvet wingback chair.

And I put my ring finger to my temple and I just say, “Ugh. I worry. I do.”

[audience laughs]

And then my other sexual fantasy is that he makes me cum, damn it.

Am I right, ladies? Is that a lot to ask? Honey, I’m looking for a guy tall enough that I don’t have to get on my knees when I want to blow him.

That’s right. I want to stand up, dick should be here.

[audience laughs]

I hooked up with…

[chuckles]

I hooked up with this guy I met at a bar because I’m brave, and he was like, “I actually biked to this bar. I can bike us back to my place.”

“You can ride on my pegs.”

And I was like, [in British accent] “Absolutely not.”

[smacks lips]

[audience laughs]

[in normal voice] He was like, “No. it’s okay. It can hold 120 pounds.”

And I was like, “Okay, you don’t know what math is. You are my type.”

[audience laughs]

I just feel like it’s like every chubby girl’s nightmare to be carried in a playful way.

Like, I’m pretty sure when I was born, the nurse, like, picked me up and handed me to my mom, and I was like, “It’s okay. You can put me down.”

[audience laughs]

It’s sad.

After I slept with him, I woke up with a, say it with me, bump on my pussy.

Just lucky, I guess. Foot pop, j’adore.

And I was like, “Great. I need to reach out to my gynecologist about this.”

So, I had to access her through, say it with me, The Portal.

[audience laughs]

I’m s…

Why are doctors absolutely, clinically addicted to making you enter through a portal? It’s like… “I’m here.” It’s like, “Can I just get an email or…” They want you to be like…

[audience laughs]

They want you to be full Narnia vibes to talk to them about your broken pussy. A portal? Oh, my God. What year is it?

Okay. I don’t… I hate sci-fi.

There’s enough… There’s enough stuff here… that’s really interesting.

We don’t have to… We don’t have to… I don’t need anything with wings.

Bitch, I have ’em.

Oh, my God. So, I was like, “I need to take a picture of this to send to my gynecologist.”

So, I went into my studio, which is obviously an empty room with a full-size mattress on the floor.

And I took out my camera, which is obviously an iPhone rose gold Plus with a cracked screen, ’cause I’m fun.

Spread my lips and I took an image.

I wish that were the end of the story.

I’m going to do a lap.

When I looked at that image, um…

Are you okay to hear this?

Ally.

[audience laughs]

Feminist ally. When I looked at the image, it was one of the most harrowing things I’ve ever seen.

One, I used flash. Rookie mistake.

Two, I didn’t understand the reach of my camera.

So, when I looked at the picture, I didn’t only see my spread pussy lips, which I expected.

But, in the background, I saw what can only be described as my dead-eyed face.

[audience laughs]

No expression. Just a corpse’s head, really.

So, I had to crop that out for legal reasons.

And when I sent it to my gyne, she was like, “There’s nothing wrong with you.”

I know there’s a long history of doctors not believing women, but in my case, doctors shouldn’t believe me because

I’m what many medical professionals have called a dumbass bitch. Thank you to my fans.

[audience laughs]

But it was stressful. Oh, my God.

And the thing about stress is that when you’re stressed in New York City, there’s only one place to go.

[playing piano]

♪ Upstate, Upstate Maybe everything will change ♪

♪ Upstate, Upstate If I go for two days ♪

[audience laughs]

♪ Upstate, Upstate Think of the Instagrams I’ll take ♪

♪ Think of the four pages Of a novel I’ll read ♪

♪ Think of all the trees ♪

Oh!

Ooh, look at all the trees, I’m worldbuilding.

Look at all those trees.

Wow.

♪ I do think trees are medicinal ♪

♪ The Japanese have this principle Called a “forest bath” ♪

♪ The idea being that ♪

♪ You’re cleansed By walking through nature ♪

♪ But instead I live in New York City ♪

♪ Which is an amusement park from hell ♪

♪ If you’re an adult who likes Disney Well… ♪

[mutters] ♪ Get help ♪

♪ Oh ♪ [chuckles]

♪ Baby, please, ooh It’s just not my thing ♪

♪ Sorry, it’s fucking creepy Ha-ha ♪

♪ Upstate, Upstate, ooh ♪

♪ I can draft tweets by a lake ♪

♪ Sipping coffee a bit farther ♪

♪ From where I normally sip coffee ♪

♪ This is how you make Your problems disappear ♪

♪ Ask anyone, the best way To make your problems go away ♪

♪ Is to go just three miles away From where you normally are ♪

♪ It always works I fucking love it ♪

♪ Upstate, Upstate, ooh ♪

♪ There’s a diner Where you can eat a egg ♪

♪ Look outside the window At the changing of the seasons ♪

♪ So, fuck, why am I crying for no reason Fuck ♪

♪ Apples ♪

♪ Have you heard about apples? ♪

♪ I’m going apple-picking With thirteen of my closest friends ♪

♪ And six of their sexual partners ♪

♪ Apples Well, maybe if I touch an apple ♪

♪ All my problems will fade And fall like autumnal foliage ♪

♪ You know, one time in college ♪

♪ I went apple-picking with a boyfriend ♪

He was so tall.

♪ He recently told me not to contact him ♪

♪ He has a new girlfriend now She wears high heels ♪

♪ And takes pictures of tortellini ♪

♪ I respect her, I laud her ♪

♪ I respect her She has good taste in men ♪

♪ Did I mention he was tall? ♪

Help. Help. Spin. Fuck!

♪ Instead of Upstate, I think ♪

♪ What I really need is to live in a box Where I can’t touch my cell phone ♪

♪ Unless I stick my hand Through a trapdoor ♪

♪ That buzzes when I touch it ♪

♪ Fuck, I’ll develop, yes ♪

♪ A Pavlovian response To touching my cell phone ♪

♪ I’ll be healed Isn’t it funny? ♪

♪ And when I say “funny” I mean deeply sad ♪

♪ That I’m addicted to my cell phone Cell phone ♪

♪ Does anyone still call it a cell phone? It’s really just a phone ♪

♪ Isn’t that interesting? God, my work is so groundbreaking ♪

♪ Upstate, Upstate I might miss a call or respond late ♪

♪ If someone texts me, I might actually Have a reason not to respond right away ♪

♪ Upstate, Upstate ♪

♪ Think of all the friends I’ll fucking hate ♪

♪ After sharing a two-bedroom Airbnb Six or seven ways ♪

♪ Upstate I’ll wear flannel ♪

♪ I’ll get a boyfriend So I can go to Beacon ♪

♪ Or Cold Spring If you have a boyfriend ♪

♪ You’re legally allowed To go to Beacon or Cold Spring ♪

[applause and cheering]

[sighs]

Hide your boners, boys.

I have a hormone disorder in my ovaries.

Okay. Everyone’s rock-hard in the crowd.

I have polycystic ovarian syndrome, PCOS, or “Pecos” for cute. Boop, boop, boop.

[beeping playfully]

Everything online about women’s health is like, “We don’t know.”

[audience laughs]

I get really bad migraines with visual auras.

Which means I’m inherently interesting.

And when you ask a doctor, “What are migraines?”

They’re all just like…

So I have PCOS.

Let me tell you about PCOS.

It’s honestly iconic. Um…

The symptoms are one, you’re fat. No, stop. Two, you are losing hair on your head, but, three, you have hair on your face, and four, you have acne.

So, it’s sort of this, like, waking nightmare in which you’re both young and old at the same time.

It’s like that optical illusion where the young woman’s looking away and the old woman’s looking down.

[audience laughs]

But in this case, it’s just you looking at yourself in the mirror thinking, “Maybe God isn’t a woman.”

[audience laughs]

But if she is, I want to meet her.

Um, if I have to die, which I’m not super interested in, I know that, literally, on my death bed, I’ll be, like, surrounded by millions of loved ones.

And in my last dying breath I’ll be like…

[gasping]

“Does my hair look better [sniffs] half up or full down?”

[audience laughs]

Those are a hundy p gonna be my last words.

How I really want to die is hosting a fabulous dinner party.

Twelve people. Yeah. My apartment in my fantasy you can have a table that that’s big.

That’s that’s big.

That’s that big.

Hard to say, easy to write.

Came to me like that.

[audience laughs]

Ooh.

J’adore. I can’t…

I literally don’t know a single word of French.

English, I can do.

Oh, my God. I once was studying abroad, ’cause I’m so interesting.

And I was studying abroad and I was out clubbing with these, like, hot Italian guys.

And they were like… [laughs] They were like, “Your English is really good.”

[audience laughs]

And I was like, “Mm-hmm.”

At first I was like, “It’s the only language I speak.”

But then I thought about it and I was like, “My English is really good.”

[audience laughs]

And what’s so bad about taking a compliment?

Especially as women. Especially in this industry.

We have to learn to stop apologizing and just say, “Yeah. My English is really good.”

[audience laughs]

So, how I want to die is I’m at this dinner party and everyone’s having their own bottle of wine, and that’s normal and fine and no one notices.

And then the person next to me goes, “Oh, my God. I love that painting.”

And I say, “Oh, thank you. My friend painted that.”

And then later in the evening, I’m lying in bed with my lover.

And he looks to me and he says, “What’s wrong?”

And I say, “You know, I just…”

“I feel a kind of longing that resembles sadness only in the way that mist resembles rain.”

And then I expire.

[audience laughs]

And he’s like, “Was that a Wordsworth poem?”

And I’m like, “I think it was Longfellow. Can’t remember.”

From beyond.

From the beyond we argue about who wrote that line.

Um, goals.

I am in love right now, as insane as that sounds.

[audience whooping]

I know.

And the only way I’ll be single again is if he gets hit by a bus, which is…

For some reason, I’m like, “That’s such a common way to die.”

Is it?

[audience laughs]

Okay. Now, I’m living in fear… for the first time ever.

If I have to be single again, that’d be a disaster.

But in the meantime, I wrote this anthem for anyone out there who is single, who is looking for love, because I want love.

Because, well, I want everything.

[audience titters]

[piano music playing]

[mouthing]

[audience laughs]

♪ Lately I feel like In that movie Love Actually ♪

♪ When Colin Firth sits at his desk ♪

♪ And says “Well, I’m alone again naturally” ♪

♪ I know I’m not Supposed to like that movie ♪

♪ I know it’s problematic, says Buzzfeed ♪

♪ But romcoms have chemically altered The state of my brain ♪

♪ Anyways, the point is I’m single ♪

♪ And, hey I’m looking to, good rhyme, mingle ♪

♪ Yeah, I’m the horniest woman in America Haven’t you heard? ♪

♪ I want to be objectified I know that isn’t right ♪

♪ I know I’m not supposed To say things like that ♪

♪ Turn my feminism switch on But I want to be depraved ♪

♪ Yeah, I want to be Your fucking sex slave ♪

♪ Liz Phair said it best When she said ♪

♪ “I want to fuck you like a dog” ♪

♪ I guess that’s romance to me ♪

♪ I think actually That’s just what I need ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ I’m not looking for that special guy ♪

♪ I’m not trying to find my Mr. Right ♪

♪ I just want someone in my bed Every single night ♪

♪ Who doesn’t care ♪

♪ If I live or die ♪

♪ Live or die, live or die ♪

♪ Yeah, I’m looking for that special guy ♪

♪ Who doesn’t care If I live or die, oh ♪

♪ If you ignore me I’ll have sex with you ♪

♪ Abhor me, I’ll get wet for you ♪

♪ Tell me why would I want Something that I already have ♪

♪ My therapist says I’m erotomanic So I googled that in a panic ♪

I don’t think she knows what it means.

She also told me I look like Jared Leto. Different story.

♪ Anyways, erotomania Is a rare type of schizophrenia ♪

♪ Where you think Everyone’s in love with you ♪

♪ And that’s not really my thing ♪

♪ No, what I really like Is to have a $12 craft beer ♪

♪ And fight with the person I’m actively fucking ♪

♪ About whether or not they’re actually Sexually attracted to me ♪

♪ God, it’s so fun to kind of Put salt in that wound, ah ♪

♪ Last week this guy asked me If I wanted to be his girlfriend ♪

♪ And then un-asked me four days later ♪

♪ Now every place we kissed Is on a special list ♪

♪ Of historic venues in New York City Because they are haunted, you see ♪

♪ The spell that his jawline cast on me ♪

♪ Is scarier than Any ghost I’ve ever seen ♪

♪ Oh, God, I don’t want to die I really don’t want to die ♪

♪ I don’t believe I’m gonna die ♪

♪ I don’t believe My parents will die either ♪

♪ When we talk about that, I say ♪

♪ “Okay If either one of you guys Decides to die” ♪

♪ “I’ll just fucking kill myself, too” ♪

♪ They said, “Hey, what would That really accomplish?” ♪

♪ I say, “God, I don’t know” ♪

♪ “But sometimes you got to do something Just for the drama” ♪

♪ I’m romantic Oh, God, I’m such a romantic ♪

♪ I don’t mean to sound pedantic But, hey, that’s just what I need, oh ♪

♪ I’m not looking for that special guy ♪

♪ I’m not trying to find my Mr. Right ♪

♪ I just want someone in my bed Every single night ♪

♪ Who doesn’t care If I live or die ♪

♪ Live or die, live or die ♪

♪ Yeah, I’m looking for that special guy ♪

♪ Who doesn’t care If I live or die ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ If you ignore me I’ll have sex with you ♪

♪ Abhor me, I’ll get wet for you ♪

♪ Treat me like shit I’ll be like a zit ♪

♪ I think this is the one ♪

♪ Recently I told this guy I’m seeing About this song I’m singing ♪

♪ And he said, “Okay Do you want me to treat you like shit?” ♪

♪ And I was like, “Do what you want” ♪

[moans] ♪ But if you want this to last ♪

♪ Just let some of my texts Pass through the cracks ♪

♪ Just keep me on a string But keep me at a distance ♪

♪ Treat me like any… Why am I this way ♪

♪ Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? ♪

♪ My therapist says I ♪

♪ Need to try to be kind ♪

Ugh.

[audience laughs]

♪ “Move through kindness,” she says ♪

♪ And I said “But that’s so fucking boring” ♪

♪ She goes, “But it’s the only way You’re going to grow” ♪

♪ I said, “Why would I want to grow? ♪

♪ I spent my whole life trying to be smaller” ♪

♪ I remember I was five ♪

♪ I was taking a bath With my aunt by my side ♪

♪ I said, “God, I love to come home From school” ♪

♪ “‘Cause I can finally Let my stomach out” ♪

♪ Oh, my God, that’s sad That’s so fucking sad ♪

♪ This world is so bad But I’m addicted to it ♪

♪ Hey, I want to fall in love And that’s just because the movies ♪

♪ But now I know what I really need, oh ♪

♪ I’m not looking for that special guy ♪

♪ I’m not trying to find my Mr. Right ♪

♪ I just want someone in my bed Every single night ♪

♪ Who doesn’t care ♪

[gasps]

♪ If I live or die ♪

[audience cheering, applauding]

Thank you. Good night.

[lively piano music playing]

Whoo!

♪ Boys never wanted to kiss me ♪

♪ So now I do comedy ♪

♪ Boys never wanted to kiss me ♪

♪ So I need all of you to look at me ♪

♪ Look at me, look at me Look at me, look at me, oh ♪

♪ Look at me, look at me Look at me, look at me, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Look at me, look at me Look at me, look at me ♪

♪ Please, please, please ♪

♪ Look at me, look at me Look at me, look at me, oh, oh, oh ♪

[piano music playing]

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