(Cheers and applause)
Thank you.
(Laughter)
When I say hey, you say ho.
Hey.
Ho!
Hey.
Ho!
That’s basically how Hitler rose to power.
(Laughter, soft piano music plays)
♫ My show is a little bit silly ♫
♫ And a little bit pretentious ♫
♫ Like Shakespeare’s willie ♫
♫ Or Noam Chomsky wearing a strap-on ♫
♫ It’s also a little bit gay ♫
♫ And a little bit offensive ♫
♫ Like thanksgiving day ♫
♫ Or Noam Chomsky wearing a strap… On ♫
♫ So put your cell phones to vibrate ♫
♫ And put your vibrators to cell-phone mode ♫
♫ And welcome to the show ♫
♫ It goes a little bit like this–joke ♫
♫ Exactly, welcome to my flow ♫
♫ It flows a little bit like this ♫
♫ With a rap and a diss ♫
♫ Then a swift rap on the wrist a rap and a kiss ♫
♫ Like Hershey’s wrappin’ a kiss, shit ♫
♫ I got a show that’ll test your kids ♫
♫ And I’d ask one question, and the question is ♫
♫ What’s funny? ♫
♫ What’s funny, what’s funny, what’s funny? ♫
♫ What’s funny, what’s funny, what’s funny? ♫
♫ Funny, fu-funny ♫
♫ What’s funny ♫
♫ What’s funny, what’s funny, what’s funny? ♫
♫ What’s funny, what’s funny, what’s funny? ♫
♫ Funny, oh, yeah ♫
♫ Humor is often linked to shared experience ♫
♫ Like a guy gets up and says have you noticed ♫
♫ That public restrooms have really inefficient hand dryers ♫
♫ Oh, my god, yes, I have ♫
♫ Ha ha ha, really good point ♫
♫ They should fix that ♫
♫ It’s good to know that somebody finally gets me ♫
♫ ‘Cause my wife divorced me which subconsciously forced me ♫
♫ To lose all sense of self ♫
♫ So it’s nice to think about hand dryers ♫
♫ And not that cheating whore ♫
♫ Because stand-up comedy is actually pretty easy ♫
♫ If you’re an Asian comic just get up and say ♫
♫ My mother’s got the weirdest f*ckin’ accent ♫
♫ Then just do a Chinese accent ♫
♫ ‘Cause everybody laughs at the Chinese accent ♫
♫ Because they privately thought your people were laughable ♫
♫ Now you’ve given them the chance ♫
♫ To express that in public ♫
♫ Oh, yeah, if you’re a musical comic ♫
♫ Just give ’em a little weird voice inflection ♫
♫ Then take a Viagra ♫
♫ And slap ’em with a rock-hard misdirection ♫
♫ Oh, what’s funny? ♫
♫ What’s funny, what’s funny, what’s funny? ♫
♫ What’s funny, what’s funny, what’s funny? ♫
♫ Funny, fu-funny ♫
Tourettes!
♫ What’s funny? ♫
♫ What’s funny, what’s funny, what’s funny? ♫
♫ What’s funny, what’s funny, what’s funny? ♫
♫ Funny, oh ♫
♫ And the audience says, when I was a baby ♫
♫ Maybe I laughed at people jiggling keys ♫
♫ Now I’m older and bolder and just get mad ♫
♫ ‘Cause I notice that the keys are to a hummer ♫
♫ F*ck my life, I don’t f*ck my wife ♫
♫ So f*ck my wife and f*ck my life ♫
♫ And my son is gay, but not sitcom gay ♫
♫ Daughter’s a whore like another girl ♫
♫ That used to be your mother ♫
♫ But the marriage made her miss Mary Americana ♫
♫ I wanna team with that screamin’ prima donna ♫
♫ But the radical feminists made my wife a man ♫
♫ Oh, and if I die happy the situation ♫
♫ Will be autoerotic asphyxiation ♫
♫ I hate my life and it hates me back ♫
♫ And my friend is black ♫
♫ But I don’t know what to call him ♫
♫ So I just call him ♫
“What up, Jamal?”
(Laughter)
♫ Even though his name is Steve ♫
♫ I hate my job, I hate my life ♫
♫ Hate my kids, I hate my wife ♫
♫ Jews don’t I know I do it, Judas beat me to it ♫
♫ I’m slowly slipping into a solipsistic coma ♫
♫ And I masturbate ’cause I’m the only one ♫
♫ Whose standards are low enough to f*ck me ♫
(Laughter)
(Cheers and applause)
♫ What’s funny? ♫
♫ What’s funny, what’s funny, what’s funny? ♫
♫ What’s funny, what’s funny, what’s funny? ♫
♫ Funny, fu-funny ♫
(Pops) it’s a boy.
♫ What’s funny? ♫
♫ What’s funny, what’s funny, what’s funny? ♫
♫ What’s funny, what’s funny, what’s funny? ♫
♫ Funny, yeah ♫
♫ Hopefully this ♫
(plays finale)
(Raspberry) Thank you.
(Cheers and applause)
Thank you. My ex-girlfriend had a really weird fetish. She used to like to dress up as herself and then act like a f*ckin’ bitch all the time.
(Laughter)
But you know, they say if you wanna know what a girl’s gonna look like, look at her mother, you know, so I’m so glad I broke up with her, ’cause she would’ve been, you know… Dead.
(Laughter and groaning)
(Woman) I want your baby!
I’m keeping him.
Guys, I’m a realist! I’m a realist. I try not to romanticize reality. You know, like when life gives you lemons, you probably just found lemons. But at the same time, I don’t deny the beauty in the world ’cause there is so much beauty, because life
Can be so symmetrical, it gives birth to this almost silent poetry, you know, like a hermaphrodite playing the keytar, or a young amish boy trying to blow out the light bulbs on his birthday cake, or a girl–a girl who’s terrible at grammar saying, “mama, you raised me good.” And then being pushed down a well. Symmetry.
Here’s some racial humor for you.
White people are like this– “eh.” Black people are like this– “wha.” We’re destined to fight forever. Blood in the streets.
(Laughter)
If I had a dime–ha!
If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I’d still say, “no.”
(Laughter)
No. Nope.
Yo’ mama so fat! Yo’ mama so ugly!
Yo’ mama so stupid!
Your mother’s breasts sag with such severity that the late great surrealist artist Salvador Dali mistook them for clocks.
(Laughter and applause)
Um, thank you. I–I believe– I believe firmly that women are always right.
(Cheers and applause)
I do. I do.
Oh, I should rephrase that. I, uh… Don’t.
♫ Men and women ♫
This song is called “men and women”!
♫ Men are like vows ♫
♫ ‘Cause they’re easily broken ♫
♫ Oh, yeah ♫
♫ Women are like cows ♫
♫ ‘Cause they both have vaginas ♫
♫ Men are like muzzles ♫
♫ Because they’ll try to shut you up ♫
♫ Oh, yeah ♫
♫ Women are like puzzles ♫
♫ ‘Cause prior to 1920, neither had the right to vote ♫
♫ Puzzles still don’t ♫
♫ Oh, a man is an eagle ♫
♫ Yeah, a woman is a dove ♫
♫ Women can fake orgasms ♫
♫ But men can fake love ♫
(Cheers and applause)
♫ Women are like fingers and toes ♫
♫ ‘Cause they’re easy to count on ♫
(Audience aws)
It’s cute.
(Laughter)
♫ Men are like ravens and crows ♫
♫ ‘Cause they hate using condoms ♫
(Laughter and applause)
What?
♫ Women are like Yahtzees, oh, yeah ♫
♫ ‘Cause I rarely get them ♫
I don’t.
♫ Men are like Nazis ♫
♫ ‘Cause they both caused the holocaust ♫
It’s true.
♫ Oh, yeah ♫
♫ For every dollar that a man makes ♫
♫ A woman makes 70 cents ♫
♫ That doesn’t make sense, that’s not fair ♫
♫ The man’s only left with 30 ♫
♫ Men and women ♫
♫ Oh, men and women, it’s black and white ♫
♫ With an area of gray for hermaphrodite ♫
♫ Oh, yeah ♫
♫ Oh, well, yeah ♫
♫ Male strippers ♫
♫ Always look like they’re applying lotion ♫
♫ And female strippers when they’re dancing on the pole ♫
♫ Just look like ♫
♫ Confused firemen ♫
Thanks.
(Cheers and applause)
Thank you.
(Man) Pick that wedge!
(Mocking laugh)
(Laughter)
(Audience member wolf whistles)
I’m 19 years old. I’m a young comedian. I hate that term “young comedian.” I prefer “prodigy.” And people pigeonhole me, you know, as a comic, which is so disingenuous. ‘Cause I’m not a comedian. I’m an artist. And I don’t do comedy shows. I do one-man shows. I’ve been doing them– 1998 was my first one-man show. It was a show about Jews in Nazi Germany called “Under the Floorboards.”
(Light laughter)
No, no, no, watch and then judge. This is a scene from “under the floorboards.” (Clears throat) Hey. Shh!
Then in ’99–
(laughter and applause)
’99, I did a piece called “the catholic orgasm.” I’ll do a scene from that.
(Moans, sobs)
2000…um… 2000, I did a piece called “the inappropriate musician.”
Mike… Mike, back off the ledge, Mike. Mike, think about your kids. You want them to grow up without a father? Is that what you want, Mike? Mike, please, listen to me! I’m your friend! Mike! Mike, no, mike! No, Mike!
(Plays descending note)
(Plays ascending note)
He’s saved.
And then in, um, 2001, I did John Steinbeck’s “The Grapes of Wrath,” except I adapted it into a story about an intergalactic sexual predator called “The Rapes of Grath.”
(Laughter)
2002, I did a piece– if you’re familiar with the piece “the elephant man” I did a piece based off that called “bulldog man” and I’ll do a monologue from that right now.
(Laughter)
2000, Uh…
(Cheers and applause)
2000–Thank you. That was a good one. I got a danza nomination for that. It’s right after the Tonys.
2000– 2003 I did a piece called “the native American in the magic show.”
How?
(Laughter)
2004, I did a piece called “Smeagol from Lord of the Rings having sex with a black girl.
(Imitates Gollum) Oh! Precious.
(Laughter and applause)
Two thou… 2005, I did a piece called “Charlie brown getting molested.”
(Clears throat)
What are you doing? Hello, is anybody here?
(Imitates “Charlie Brown” adult speech)
What are you doing? Let go of me!
What are you doing?!
(Rhythmically imitates “Charlie Brown” adult speech)
Good grief!
So, 2000, um..
(Cheers and applause) Thank you. Yeah. That was a good one.
2005, 6? 5? Doesn’t matter. I’m lying.
2000–
(Laughter)
2006, I did a piece called “the figure skater’s father.”
My son? What does he do? He’s a, uh…
He’s an athlete.
What kind of athlete?
He’s a, uh…
He’s a f–
He a–
He’s a f–
(Women scream)
2000…
(Laughter)
2007, I did a piece called “the juggler’s wife.”
“Please stop juggling!”
2008… I did a dark piece that caused a lot of controversy because I played a slave in the 1780s, but I didn’t wear makeup, ’cause as an artist, I feel I’m qualified to tell any story. And it was a piece called “whiplashes,” and it’s raw, hard art, so if you’re averse to that, you might want to look away. But this is the climactic scene from “whiplashes.”
You’ll have to answer to god for this.
(Imitates whip crack)
Ow.
(Laughter)
You’re a dick.
And then, um… 2009, Which is the final piece before the piece I’m doing currently, um… I did a really emotional piece. It means a lot to me, so forgive me if I break down, but it’s called the “the boy and his dog.” It goes like this.
Get out of here, all right? Go, please. I can’t afford to keep you anymore, I just can’t. Just…don’t make this harder than it has to be. Just–I hate you.
Is that what you need to hear from me?
I hate you, okay? I hate you.
(Voice breaks)
I hate you!
And it’s just not me.
My dog hates Mexicans, too.
(Laughter)
(Cheers and applause)
Oh, god. Gotta love irony. I, um…
I believe in the zodiac.
I do, I do, completely. I’m a Leo. I love “Titanic.” But this is something a little bit morbidly ironic. My grandmother, she was a cancer, and she was actually killed by a giant crab.
(Laughter)
This is a song about the idea of irony. So strap in.
(Lively piano music plays)
♫ My dog’s stomach was very upset ♫
♫ So I put him in the car, and we went to the vet ♫
♫ And on our way to the vet ♫
♫ I killed a cat ♫
♫ Hey, I said isn’t that ironic? ♫
♫ I adopted a child from overseas ♫
♫ To rescue him from child-labor factories ♫
♫ And on his very first birthday ♫
♫ We went to build-a-bear workshop ♫
♫ Isn’t that ironic? ♫
♫ Isn’t that i-r-o-n-i-c ♫
♫ I-n-o-r-i-r-o-n-i-c ♫
♫ Water park is burned to the ground ♫
♫ And a tow truck has broken down ♫
♫ I always used to cry when I laughed ♫
♫ And then I was raped by a clown ♫
(Laughter)
♫ Isn’t– ♫
♫ I was watching Al Gore on CNN ♫
♫ He was talking and talking and talking and then ♫
♫ Out of boredom my pet polar bear shot himself ♫
♫ Isn’t that ironic? ♫
♫ I dated an animal rights activist ♫
♫ And one day she got really pissed ♫
♫ Because I was eating veal that was wrapped in pita bread ♫
Peta? F*ck it.
(Laughter)
♫ Isn’t that i-r-o-n-i-c ♫
♫ I-n-o-r-i-r-o-n-i-c? ♫
♫ Yeah, I’m a stand-up comic ♫
♫ And I always sit and slouch ♫
♫ And I got my girlfriend pregnant ♫
♫ On my sterile uncle’s pull-out couch ♫
(Chuckles)
♫ Isn’t it ironic? I-r-o-n-i-c ♫
♫ Yeah, if every day you play the board game Risk ♫
♫ You’ve probably never taken a risk in your life ♫
♫ And Monopoly has far from a stranglehold ♫
♫ On the board game market ♫
♫ A little kid died from suffocation ♫
♫ When he choked on a game piece from operation ♫
♫ And I can’t grow a beard ♫
♫ That one’s not ironic ♫
♫ That one’s just sad ♫
(Laughter)
♫ Yeah, Bob Barker got all of my pets pregnant ♫
(Laughter)
♫ My grandfather had Alzheimer’s ♫
♫ And one day, we were ♫
(Laughter)
(Cheers and applause)
(Man) Take it off, big boy!
Thank you, it’s a medium.
Um… (Laughter)
We live in a binary reality. We do. It’s a world of black and white.
There’s only two types of people in this world, you know, those who can finish lists…
What is art? What is art?
Is art something gay people do to get back at their fathers?
Could be. What is an artist? What makes a great artist, great artists like myself, like the great director Michael Bay.
Like the great Irish actor, Shaquille O’Neal.
We ask questions, you know?
Questions nobody else dares to ask.
Questions like…
Where are all the sour patch parents?
Questions like if Mickey’s a mouse and Minnie’s a mouse, and Donald’s a duck, and Daisy and Goofy, if they’re all animals,
and they can talk, why is Pluto just a f*ckin’ dog?
Why–did they just forget to anthropomorphize him, or worse, is Mickey keeping a mentally handicapped dude as pet?
I’m not making light of it. That’s f*cked up.
How does it fit into that universe, that paradigm?
Goofy’s a dog. He’s talking. This one, crawling around.
(Laughter)
Guys, I would never bash Disney. I would never bash Disney.
I think Disney teaches young kids such important lessons.
The princess fairy tales teach young girls such important lessons.
You know, like Cinderella, it doesn’t matter where you come from or how poor you are as long as you’re incredibly hot.
(Laughter)
Snow white, you know, which encourages children to, you know, give midgets nicknames.
Sleeping beauty, you know, which encourages, uh… date rape.
Maybe not– maybe not that one.
I was doing a show recently on the border of Hannah, Montana, and South Dakota Fanning.
And a guy came up to me after the show, and said, “Bo, why don’t you ever tell stories about people coming up to you after the show?”
And I said, “’cause they’re never funny.”
(Light laughter)
(Man) I would f*ck you.
(Mocking laugh) this is a listening show.
(Laughter) um…
(Light applause)
Yeah.
Be quiet, America doesn’t want to hear you clap.
Do it, though, when I need it.
(Scattered clapping) when I need it!
(Laughter)
I’ve always wanted a black girlfriend, not as joke, just ’cause like, then when we 69, I can call it “yin yanging.”
(Audience groans, applause) guys, see–
Easy, look, it’s 21st-century racism.
It’s racism in light of itself.
The only reason I’m making these claims is because the stigmas about race are already there and I’m just playing off that.
‘Cause I think racism itself is so ridiculous, and they understand that, so if after the show, you see a black guy beating me up, he’s doing it ironically.
Okay?
(Audience members shouting)
(Laughter)
(Woman) I’ll sleep with you!
(Laughter)
(Woman) we all will!
(Audience members shouting)
Ya done?
(Laughter)
Of course all the women that said that were in the dark.
I, um… (Laughter)
No, I bet you’re gorgeous in the dark.
Um…
Okay.
(Slow piano music plays)
(Tempo increases)
♫ I’m a feminine Eminem ♫
♫ A slim shady lady but nice ’cause I texted Haiti ♫
♫ 90 Lady cops in the road ♫
♫ And I’m arrested for doin’ 80 ♫
♫ Like hamlet, I’m about words, words, words ♫
♫ Divide a whole into thirds, thirds, thirds ♫
♫ I’m a gay sea otter ♫
♫ I blow other dudes out of the water ♫
♫ I’m the man-muffin divin’ muffin, ♫
♫ Cold and fly like an arctic puffin’ ♫
♫ Puffin’ wacky-tobaccy ♫
♫ Hatin’ other rappers like I’m huggin’ Pataki ♫
♫ And I’ve been rockin’ this mic before electricity ♫
♫ Way back in 1,000 B.C.E. ♫
♫ That’s before the comin’ era– ♫
(Imitates record scratching)
♫ Oh, god, can’t be stopped ♫
♫ Flow so sick that it should be mopped up ♫
♫ Chick’s got a Dixie cup ♫
♫ I got a dick full of helium, I’ll f*ck you up ♫
♫ A boy, a girl, a middle-aged bitch ♫
♫ Botox in the third person ♫
♫ I gave the perspective a switch and ♫
♫ Botox in the third person ♫
♫ Oh, just relax ♫
♫ If you want to know me here’s two facts ♫
♫ I hate catchy choruses ♫
♫ And I’m a hypocrite ♫
(Laughter)
♫ Said I hate catchy choruses ♫
♫ And I’m a hypocrite ♫
Yeah!
♫ Met a girl named Macy ♫
♫ I had sex with her all day ♫
♫ But she was dyslexic ♫
♫ So I ended up doing the YMCA ♫
♫ We ball in Asian ♫
♫ We bowl in prostate cancer semicolon ♫
♫ Find that hole like I’m Stephen Hawking ♫
♫ Atticus finch, killing, mocking ♫
♫ Cry like a child would ♫
♫ You raped my childhood ♫
♫ Just strollin’, rollin’ your pole in ♫
♫ To roly-polly olly’s colon ♫
♫ To relax the mind ♫
♫ I take a walk by the clock, and I pass the time ♫
♫ And rhymin’ mathematical timing ♫
♫ Syntax impacts the intact timin’ ♫
♫ I’m an internet provider ♫
♫ Came from the web like a horny spider ♫
♫ Kissed a girl in an apple orchard ♫
♫ Then slipped in cider ♫ (“inside her”)
♫ I thought aids was a butt virus ♫
♫ Like conjunction junction conjunctivitis ♫
♫ I spit gold bars ’cause I was molested by my uncle Midas ♫
♫ Gay dads blow pops, another sucker ♫
♫ Oedipus was the first mother f*cker ♫
♫ I hate catchy choruses ♫
♫ And I’m a hypocrite ♫
♫ Hungry, hungry hypocrite ♫
♫ I hate catchy choruses ♫
♫ And I’m a hypocrite ♫
♫ We the people of USA ♫
♫ Jose, we’re not talking to you, esse ♫
♫ We got a border in order to keep you out ♫
♫ It’s what my nyu essay is about ♫
♫ ‘Cause we’re south of heaven, north of hell ♫
♫ Buy, buy, buy, buy, buy, buy, sell ♫
♫ We guard the border and we guard it well ♫
♫ But some slip through the cracks of the liberty bell ♫
♫ Did I say liberty? I meant taco, paco ♫
♫ Hey, you better let that rock go ♫
♫ ‘Cause in real life, goliath wins ♫
♫ Sells all the silk that the widow spins ♫
♫ Yeah, one more time ♫
♫ I hate catchy choruses ♫
♫ And I’m a hypocrite ♫
♫ Said a hungry, hungry hypocrite ♫
♫ I hate catchy choruses ♫
♫ And I’m a hy-y-pocrite ♫
Yeah.
♫ Bitches and hoes, Bo’s hoes ♫
♫ Yeah, bitches and hoes ♫
♫ Yeah, I said bitches, hoes ♫
♫ Bitches and hoes don’t exist ♫
♫ Because the hoes know Bo’s a feminist ♫
♫ Bitches and hoes don’t exist ♫
♫ Because the hoes know Bo’s a feminist ♫
♫ So take your bras and burn ’em ♫
♫ You can let me burn ’em ♫
♫ Take off your bras and burn ’em ♫
♫ Oh, you can let Bo Burnham burn ’em ♫
♫ Take your bras and burn ’em ♫ (cheers and applause)
♫ You can let me burn ’em ♫
♫ Take off your bras and burn ’em ♫
♫ Burn ’em, you can let Bo Burnham burn ’em ♫
(Cheers and applause)
What the f*ck?
(Laughter)
Let us pray.
Don’t feel like you can’t participate, by the way, if you’re not Christian, ’cause this is a prayer for all faiths, so…
Dear Jesus of Nazareth…
(Laughter)
First of all, I’d like to thank you for calling yourself Jesus of Nazareth.
It’s sort of like the lord of the rings or something.
“I am Jesus of Nazareth, son of Orflek, the butcher.”
We know, lord, that you so loved the world from John 3:16,
You so loved the world that you sent your only son
To die for us, your only son, but at the same time,
We’re all your children, so in your eyes,
We’re a bunch of girls.
(Laughter)
So help us as we struggle
With the temptations of lesbianism, amen.
I, uh…
People come to me all the time– all the time, they say the same thing, you know, “Bo, you’re an artist. How do we fix Africa?”
(Laughter)
I read recently that there are over 22 million people living with HIV aids in Sub-Saharan Africa.
Yeah. It was a snapple fact.
How do we fix it? How do we fix it?
This.
Because laughter…
Laughter is the best medicine, you know, besides medicine.
You guys like impressions?
(Cheers and applause)
(Clears throat) why?
That was Socrates.
We’ve done a lot of laughing– lot of laughing.
Great for a comedy show. Hey, break the fourth wall.
Ma’am. Fifth wall–ma’am at home.
We’ve done a lot of– we’ve done a lot of laughing.
But we haven’t done a lot of thinking.
And I’d like to do that now, and what better to stop comic inertia than a little bit of poetic friction?
I’ve written some haikus.
Haikus are Japanese poems consisting of 17 syllables, 3 Lines, 5, 7, 5.
I find them to have a certain clearness in their cogency, sort of a soundness in their simplicity, if you will.
So what we’ll do now hopefully is read these haikus, think for a little bit, and then we’ll go back to the jokes and the laughing and we’ll have benefited from the time we took to think.
So if could just, you know, put up with these, think for a bit, hopefully, and then we’ll go back to the jokes, but these are my haikus.
I saw a rainbow on the day my grandma died.
F*cking lesbian.
(Triangle dings, laughter)
For 15 cents a day, you can feed an African.
They eat pennies.
(Triangle dings, laughter)
Old people’s skin sags because it is being pulled towards the underworld.
(Triangle dings, laughter) missed that.
A kid insulted my mother so I said, “Your mama is so black!”
(Triangle dings, laughter)
“Do unto others as you would have them do to you.”
Said the rapist.
(Triangle dings, laughter)
My aunt used to say, “slow and steady wins the race.”
She died in a fire.
(Triangle dings, laughter)
Those in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones or masturbate in the daytime.
(Triangle dings, laughter)
It’s true.
Even if he is your friend, never, ever call an Asian person.
(Triangle dings, laughter)
And finally…
Bono, if you wanna help poor people, sell your tinted shades, you c*nt.
(Triangle dings, cheers and applause)
Thank you, this next piece– this next piece is called “sonnet 155” or “if Shakespeare had written a porn.”
And it goes like this.
I saw the morning dew betwixt thine thighs
As I removed my source of Grecian power.
As if king Midas dared to touch the skies,
Upon thy body fell a golden shower.
(Audience groans)
Thy body’s temple’s two church bells had rung.
Upon thy chest, a roll of pearls bestowed.
The sun had set, thy set with weary hung.
I thought, how black a night, and blew a load.
(Audience groans)
I said what light through yonder beaver breaks?
It is the yeast.
(Audience groans, scattered cheering)
And now my belly’s yellow.
My pole gives cause to storms and earthy quakes,
But ’tis not massive, I am no Othello.
And when that final moment came to pass,
Like Christ, I came a-riding on an ass.
Thank you very much.
(Cheers and applause)
Thank you, William Shakespeare…
William Shakespeare was a verbal contortionist.
He can bend his words the way a contortionist bends his frame, and I would hope that he could with a name like William Shakespeare.
William Shakespeare– some of you seem lost.
Look, say your name was Robert Frost, and you couldn’t write, that would suck.
Well, I guess you could always go as Bobby Frost and own an ice cream truck.
He was balanced like a simile and could stack metaphor five, six at a time and rhyme into the very last line of a soliloquy which finally said outright what the previous 77 we’re only hinting at.
He had puns and quips and tons of trips with sons with ships, with nuns with hips and buns and lips, but I have something that Shakespeare never had.
Penicillin.
(Laughter)
See, it hadn’t been invented yet.
Back then, they only had quillicillin, hey-oh!
Sorry, it’s not that hard, bard.
I’m sorry, I got a bone to pick with you, William.
So if you could just listen up here and listen to this theater queer’s theater query here and maybe act like a real artist for once in your life.
Say Van Gogh and, “lend me your ear.”
You’re not a writer.
You’re a writer like Hulk Hogan’s a street fighter.
You write these dramas, you accumulate your wealth, you hold nature as t’were mirror of yourself.
Just ’cause you’re messed up doesn’t mean we are, too.
Just ’cause you wanna bang your mom doesn’t mean that Danish princes do.
What? Who? Hamlet, Shakespeare. Yeah, that’s right.
The young prince whose father died at the hands of his uncle with whom his mother lied.
Sound familiar? It’s the f*cking “Lion King”!
(Laughter and applause)
You stole from a Disney movie, you androgynous douche.
What’s next, the story of a French king on a quest to find his lost son Nemo?
(Laughter)
Oh, and by the way, poetic talent is really easy to fake when thy sentences doth no f*cking sense make.
(Laughter)
“To be or not to be?” That is the question.
Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing end them, to die…
To sleep no more, and by a sleep, to say we end the heartache and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to.
‘Tis a consummation devoutly to be wish’d.
To die, to sleep, to sleep, perchance to dream.
Aye, there’s the rub, for in that sleep of death, what dreams may come when we have shuffled off this mortal coil?
Must give us pause.
(Scoffs) like, what?
(Laughter)
This next song is about quantum mechanics.
This next song–
(Laughter)
I was raised very well, you know, like a field of corn.
I was also raised very Christian, like the children of the corn.
And Christians get angry at me, they do, because I say things like, “Why the long nose, pope-nocchio?”
They think I’ll gonna go to hell.
Truth is, I’ve been to Christian hell, and I wrote a song about it.
♫ Hitler was there, and so were all the Jews ♫
♫ Yeah, so it got a little awkward ♫
(Laughter)
I was surrounded by Catholicism at a young age and I was also in a garage band for 20 minutes.
This is the product of that. Hit it.
(Electronic music plays)
(Laughter)
(Violin riff plays)
(Cheers and applause)
♫ All the seats at the Sunday mass is ♫
♫ Filled with the masses’ mass of asses ♫
♫ Classes pass as fast as molasses ♫
♫ Ceremonial reading glasses ♫
♫ Read a little bit of Leviticus ♫
♫ All the kids are a little too little for this ♫
♫ All the parents nod in agreement ♫
♫ “I think I can vaguely see what he meant” ♫
♫ It’s too early in the morning glory ♫
♫ To read another allegory story ♫
♫ The father reads a little bit farther ♫
♫ Assuring the assured that they need not bother ♫
♫ When god, in verse 45 ♫
♫ Said that slaves are okay to buy ♫
♫ He meant that people all from the start ♫
♫ Each have slaves within their hearts ♫
♫ Things that we have sold or bought ♫
♫ And then are forced to pick our moral cotton ♫
♫ God calls us to set these free ♫
♫ Free our hearts from slavery ♫
♫ And then as god goes on to explain ♫
♫ The logistics of buying and selling slaves ♫
(Music stops)
He was messin’ around.
He’s–he– Jesus is sort of like–
(Music continues)
♫ In the back, I sit and I nod ♫
♫ To the beats that are bumpin’ from my iPod ♫
♫ My god, they’re starting to pray ♫
♫ And over the music, I can hear them say ♫
♫ Dear god, dear lord ♫
♫ Dear vague muscular man with a beard or a sword ♫
♫ Dear good all-seeing being ♫
♫ My way or the highway Yahweh ♫
♫ The blue-balled anti-masturbator ♫
♫ The great all-loving faggot hater ♫
♫ I like to thank your holy might ♫
♫ For making me both rich and white ♫
♫ And though this is your day of rest ♫
♫ I come to you with one request ♫
♫ There’s so much pain beyond this steeple ♫
♫ Wars and drugs and homeless people ♫
♫ Sadness where there should be joy ♫
♫ Hate and rape and soulja boy ♫
♫ A world in darkness needs your light ♫
♫ So I’m sure your schedule’s pretty tight ♫
But my dog just had leg surgery.
If you could fix that first?
Jesus?
♫ Debra messing’s fingers in a holy place ♫
♫ Hail Mary full of grace ♫
♫ Obama, could you pass some hope to the pope? ♫
♫ I know a couple dudes who want to elope ♫
♫ See, the church said nope, so the bros can’t cope ♫
♫ Bros can grope, but the bros can’t cope ♫
♫ They’ve been in love and they’ve been addicted ♫
♫ Who said they shouldn’t? Benedict did ♫
♫ ‘Cause in the holy land of the lord ♫
♫ He’s the holy landlord and dicks are evicted ♫
♫ ‘Cause you can be a benedict ♫
♫ If you bend a dick under benedict ♫
♫ But you can’t have benedicts ♫
♫ Because there’s only one pope with only one dick, what? ♫
♫ Yeah, a dick on a pope is ♫
♫ Just like a soap on rope ♫
♫ ‘Cause it’s pointless unless in prison ♫
♫ Throw up your bibles, Christ has risen ♫
♫ Hallelujah, now it’s raining men ♫
♫ Because the gender ratio’s one-to-ten ♫
♫ Winos at the eucharist station ♫
♫ Transgendered substantiation ♫
♫ Jesus wasn’t the messiah, get back ♫
♫ I’m a heretic, and I’m on fire ♫
♫ It was Oedipus, those holy knights ♫
♫ The holy mother f*ckin’ Christ ♫
♫ I’m a blasphemer post-Katrina cruisin’ the marina ♫
♫ On a crusade to cruise aids and blast fema ♫
♫ You’re too late, we’re f*cked, we don’t need you, amen ♫
♫ In the name of the father, son, and holy ghost ♫
♫ Head, shoulders, knees and toes ♫
♫ Turn up your nose, strike that pose ♫
♫ Hey macarena ♫
(Record scratch, cheers and applause)
I wanted to be a physicist when I was younger, and I also wanted to be a comedian, but only one of those sort of worked out.
I’d like to try to do both, though now in a bit that I call “theoretical dick jokes.”
Goes like this.
(Laughter)
My penis is so small I often have trouble finding it because it’s so gratefully influenced by quantum mechanical fluctuations in the fabric of space-time.
And when I’m having intercourse with a woman, she can only know where my penis is or how fast it’s moving ’cause it’s small enough and light enough to be fully governed by the Heisenberg uncertainty principle.
I’ve got an eating disorder.
Yeah, more like nutritional entropy.
So… (Light laughter)
Never said I was funny, okay? So stop staring at me.
Segues are weird.
How old is too old to stop believing in, like, the tooth fairy, like, 12?
I have a cousin who is 18, yeah.
Still believes in gay marriage.
It’s like… (Laughter)
I know what you guys are thinking–
“Oh, Bo, you tackle such taboo subjects.
You know, “is there anything off-limits, anything you don’t find funny, anything you think is too sacred to laugh at?”
And the truth is, there is.
White people.
(Laughter)
(Cheers and applause)
I think we’ve been through enough.
(Laughter)
I find numbers to be fascinating and more specifically than numbers, I find statistics to be particularly enlightening, thought-provoking even.
I’ve gathered some here. These are all 100% true.
When you leave this theater and enter the world devoid of art, you can check these, and they will come back ’cause they are true.
I don’t want them to blow your mind, but maybe you’ll hear one of these and go, “Oh, my god, never thought of that.”
So these are my statistics. (Clears throat)
(Light laughter)
Approximately 33.33%
Of the Jonas Brothers have diabetes.
(Laughter)
One out of every four kids with the initials A.D.D.
Actually has it, and four out of four kids with the initials A.D.H.D. Have an annoying, self-righteous mother who wouldn’t just shut the f*ck up and take her husband’s last name.
Here’s a fun one.
One of the every 44 U.S. Presidents can dunk.
It’s Millard Fillmore, you racists.
The average child of Sarah Palin has 46.2 chromosomes.
(Audience groans)
It’s a fact!
I’m not making light of it. It’s numbers.
(Laughter)
All right, you guys are offended by that one, you’re definitely gonna be offended by the next one.
But you have to understand something– I am, too.
I think this is f*cked up.
.27% of all Jenga Games are played on 9/11.
Now– (audience groans)
It’s f*cked up! Stop playing Jenga on 9/11.
Stop it. Stop it.
Stop playing Jenga…
(Laughter)
That was awkward.
This next one blew my mind. Blew my mind.
And you’re not gonna believe this when you hear it.
But go home, check it. I swear to god it’s true.
The average person… has one fallopian tube.
(Laughter)
The average penis length is 5 1/2 inches.
And finally, the average penis length of a man who googles “average penis length” is 3 1/2 inches.
Thank you.
(Cheers and applause)
Yeah, Bo!
Yeah, Bo!
(Audience members shouting)
Yeah.
Thank you.
I went to the movies the other day because I went to see the 20th anniversary of Schindler’s List in 3-d.
(Rimshot)
And I went into the girls’ bathroom to look for my camera.
(Rimshot)
And I saw a container that said “sanitary napkins only.”
Ladies…
(Drumroll)
Don’t put all your eggs in one basket!
That’s a joke!
(Laughter and applause)
(Laughter)
This song–
This song isn’t funny at all, but it helps me sleep at night.
♫ Art is dead ♫
♫ Art is dead ♫
♫ Art is dead ♫
♫ Art is dead ♫
♫ Entertainers like to seem complicated ♫
♫ But we’re not complicated ♫
♫ I can explain it pretty easily ♫
♫ Have you ever been to a birthday party for children ♫
♫ And one of the children won’t stop screaming ♫
♫ ‘Cause he’s just a little attention-attractor ♫
♫ When he grows up to be a comic or actor ♫
♫ He’ll be rewarded for never maturing ♫
♫ For never understanding or learning ♫
♫ That every day can’t be about him ♫
♫ There’s other people, you selfish asshole ♫
♫ I must be psychotic, I must be demented ♫
♫ To think that I’m worthy of all this attention ♫
♫ Of all of this money you worked really hard for ♫
♫ I slept in late while you worked at the drugstore ♫
♫ My drug’s attention, I am an addict ♫
♫ But I get paid to indulge in my habit ♫
♫ It’s all an illusion, I’m wearing make-up ♫
♫ I’m wearing make-up, make-up, make-up, make-up ♫
♫ Art is dead ♫
♫ So people think you’re funny ♫
♫ How do we get those people’s money? ♫
♫ I said art is dead ♫
♫ We’re rolling in dough while Carlin rolls in his grave ♫
♫ His grave ♫
♫ His grave ♫
♫ I said the show has got a budget ♫
♫ The show has got a budget ♫
♫ And all the poor people way more deserving ♫
♫ Of the money won’t budge it ♫
♫ ‘Cause I wanted my name in lights ♫
♫ When I could have fed a family of four ♫
♫ For 40 f*cking fortnights ♫
♫ 40 F*cking fortnights ♫
♫ I am an artist, please, god, forgive me ♫
♫ I am an artist, please, don’t revere me ♫
♫ I am an artist, please, don’t respect me ♫
♫ I am an artist, feel free to correct me ♫
♫ A self-centered artist, self-obsessed artist ♫
♫ I am an artist, I am an artist ♫
♫ But I’m just a kid, I’m just a kid ♫
♫ I’m just a kid, kid, and maybe I’ll grow out of it ♫
(Cheers and applause)
Old comics– older comics from, like, the ’80s and the ’70s, they think that my act is hacky because it relies on music and other things, and they’re such comedy purists, and they don’t think my comedy can stand on its own,
Which isn’t true because, right, I am a comedy purist at heart, and I can do comedy without the gimmicks.
And it can still be good. I’ll show you that right now.
What do you call a kid with no arms and an eye patch?
Names.
(Laughter and applause)
I’m not a traditional stand-up, um, but I’d like to be.
I love traditional stand-up comedy, and a lot of my heroes are traditional stand-up comics, and I’ve been watching a lot of it, and I think I’ve sort of figured out the trick to it.
So I’ll give you my traditional stand-up act now.
It’s in its infancy so please be gentle.
Uh…
My wife, right?
(Laughter)
We never have sex, like, ever, which is funny.
Something else is I never know what she’s saying.
You know, she’ll say something, and I’ll be, like… something else is, she’s, like, constantly emasculating me, and I’m making her resent herself for getting older, so we’re looking into a divorce, which is funny.
Something else is she can’t drive.
The only thing she can drive is drive me crazy!
You know, when she back-talks, I hit her.
(Laughter)
I hope you all enjoyed the show.
Thank you so much for coming, and if you didn’t, you know…
When life gets you down…
Make a comforter.
(Laughter)
I feel like hip-hop…
Used to be a voice for the voiceless, you know?
And now it’s become, at least in the mainstream, a symbol of misogyny…
Gay panic…
Fiscal irresponsibility, you know?
So I figure…
If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em.
♫ Hittin’ the club up V.I.P. ♫
♫ I’ve got a fake mustache and a fake I.D. ♫
♫ I look like wooly willy with a really wooly willy ♫
♫ And I bypass the bouncer ♫
♫ Pass by an ex, and I flex and bounce her, wowser ♫
♫ Look at all of Bo’s hoes ♫
♫ Looking for a ride on Bo’s hose ♫
♫ And I spot a little Latino ♫
♫ Booty so big, call it Oprah’s ego ♫
♫ We go do it through it ♫
♫ She says, “dios mio, mi amigo” ♫
♫ When we were done, she said, “heh, imma aya” ♫
♫ Swallow, bitch, there’s people starvin’ in Africa ♫
(Laughter)
♫ Single every single day ♫
♫ Do it every single way ♫
♫ Make the single ladies say ♫
♫ Oh, Bo ♫
♫ And if I were gay, though I swear I’m straight ♫
♫ I’d make the fellas say ♫
♫ Oh, Bo ♫
♫ I said, oh, Bo ♫
♫ Oh, Bo ♫
♫ You’re an ice cream sundae with a cherry on top ♫
♫ But careful, cherry, ’cause I’m the king of pop ♫
♫ Pop, pop goes the weasel ♫
♫ Have you lookin’ like Jackson Pollack’s easel ♫
♫ Yeah, my suggestion is ♫
♫ You don’t blow till you know what congestion is ♫
♫ Swallow when you know what digestion is ♫
♫ Follow Bo, the only question is ♫
♫ Have you been splattered before ♫
♫ By the mad hatter matador ♫
♫ Cake batter nevermore ♫
♫ It don’t matter whether you’re ♫
♫ Spanish, French, Swedish, or Cambodian ♫
♫ I’ll slime you so hard you could be on nickelodeon ♫
(Cheers and applause)
♫ Single every single day ♫
♫ Do it every single way ♫
♫ Make the single ladies say ♫
♫ Oh, Bo ♫
♫ And if I were gay ♫
♫ Though I swear I’m straight ♫
♫ I’d make the fellas say ♫
(Scattered shouting)
♫ Oh, Bo, I said, oh, Bo ♫
♫ I said, oh, Bo ♫
♫ You think that you can handle me ♫
♫ Girl, don’t make me laugh ♫
♫ My junk is bipolar, it’ll split you in half ♫
♫ I said, and if you’re lucky ♫
♫ I might just bring you home, and I’ll have you going down ♫
♫ Like you’re growing an extra chromosome ♫
♫ And when you love me, don’t grab me by my buns ♫
♫ ‘Cause I got a bad case of the ru-u-ns ♫
♫ I got the runs ♫
♫ I got the ru-uh-uh- oh, oh ♫
♫ Single every single day ♫
♫ Do it every single way ♫
♫ Make the single ladies say ♫
♫ Oh, Bo ♫
♫ And if I were, oh, so that I were ♫
♫ Yeah, and if I were ♫
(Music softens)
Like to break it down for y’all.
I came from the streets with nothing.
(Light laughter)
Now I’m making hit records.
For my people still living in the streets,
Still living in poverty,
I wanna tell you, I’m doing this for you.
My success…
Is your success.
And you may be thinking, “hey, if you really believe that,
“Why don’t you use some of your money
“To help rebuild the neighborhood
Instead of putting spinning rims on a gold jetski?”
(Laughter)
And to that I say…
Uh-oh, chorus is coming up.
♫ Single every single day ♫
♫ Do it every single way ♫
♫ Make those single ladies say ♫
♫ Oh, Bo ♫
♫ And if I were, oh, so that I were ♫
♫ Yeah, and if I were ♫
♫ You got a fume like a tuna ♫
♫ I’ll smell you later ♫
♫ I met a fat chick and I f*cked her in an elevator ♫
♫ It was wrong on so many levels ♫
(Laughter)
♫ ‘Cause I said it was wrong on so many levels ♫
♫ I said it was wrong on ♫
(Cheers and applause)
Oh…
Okay.
♫ I don’t know if all boy scouts are gay ♫
♫ They could probably tie the knot ♫
(cheers and applause)
♫ In like fifty different– ♫
I’m dying inside!
♫ I got a safe full of cherries ’cause I pop it and lock it ♫
♫ A girl’s like a fridge, once a week you should stalk it ♫
♫If your into rimmin, it’s only safe if your swimmin’ ♫
♫ Girl, don’t sit on that couch ♫
♫ ‘Cause I treat my objects like women ♫
♫ I spit fire like I just blew a demon ♫
♫ My shit’s so hot I’ll leave your toilet bowl steamin’ ♫
♫ I’m gonna tear it like the cards of the gypsies ♫
♫ You’ll bleed for so long you’ll get monthly ellipses ♫
♫ If your pants are loose, I’ll replete ya ♫
♫ You’re a first time vegan, and it’s nice to meet ya ♫
♫ I’m Bo, yo, I’m the greatest rappa eva ♫
♫ And I’ll weather your weather whether you think I’m clever ♫
♫ Or not, think you’re better, you’re not ♫
♫ Don’t need a sweater, I’m hot ♫
♫ I’m a real g that can really find your g spot ♫
(audience clapping to beat)
♫ Oh, yeah, you’re not a f*cking metronome ♫
(Laughter and applause)
Yeah.
♫ Go to a vagina orchard, count 1, 2, 3 ♫
♫ Spin that plant around, you got a third world country ♫
♫ No, that’s right, consider yourself warned ♫
♫ I’m offensive and creative like handicapped porn ♫
♫ You’re playing with your breasts ♫
♫ Excuse me, can I try it ma’am? ♫
♫ Your pushin’ ’em together like a titty Venn diagram ♫
♫ Look at that crack, excuse me can I buy a gram? ♫
♫ Right below your diaphragm, ass looks like your hidin’ ham ♫
♫ First base, were making out ♫
♫ Mother f*cker, second base, I’m getting faked out, yo ♫
♫Third base, I’m getting take-out ♫
♫ And I try to take it home if I knew I’d take it out ♫
♫ But I just don’t know I said I just don’t care ♫
♫ My flow’s so cold I need a tampon from a polar bear ♫
♫ And you can spell and smell my stink ♫
♫ ‘Cause B.O. lingers and it makes you think ♫
♫ I’m Bo, yo, I’m the greatest rappa eva ♫
♫ And I’ll weather your weather whether you think I’m clever ♫
♫ Or not, think you’re better, you’re not ♫
♫ Don’t need a sweater, I’m hot ♫
I’m bad at sex. Get it?
(Laughter and applause)
Yeah, what?
♫ ‘Cause girls are like donuts when I be bustin’ Bo nuts ♫
♫ I can make ’em cream-filled or give them a layer of glaze ♫
♫ I’m like Doug’s friend Skeeter whenever I meet her ♫
(Audience singing)
♫ ’cause I skeet her so hard ♫
♫ People call her patty mayonnaise ♫
Yeah, that’s sad.
(Cheers and applause)
♫ Yeah, what, uh ♫
♫ Yeah, ’cause there’s an inverse relationship ♫
♫ Between respect and sects ♫
♫ I’m talking about religious sects like a Mormon sect ♫
♫ That says you can’t have sex ♫
♫ With members of different sects ♫
♫ But you can’t have sex with members of the same sex ♫
♫ The sects can’t be different, sex can’t be same ♫
♫ The only sex left is some left-hand shame ♫
♫ Girl, I left you ’cause you left the game ♫
♫ And if that don’t feel right then you can write my name ♫
♫ ‘Cause I’m Bo, yo, I’m the greatest rappa eva ♫
♫ And I’ll weather your weather whether you think I’m clever ♫
♫ Or not, think you’re better, you’re not ♫
♫ Don’t need a sweater, I’m hot ♫
♫ Oh, gee ♫
(Cheers and applause)
♫ My junks so long that it hangs and swings ♫
♫ At the nude beach people think I’m lookin’ for lost rings ♫
♫ Play the skin flute, your big boy sings ♫
If you want to take it all wear African neck rings.
‘Cause, like, man. (Laughter)
♫ Haters call me gay, but that ain’t hatin’ ♫
♫ ‘Cause I’m not homophobic, my morals are straight ♫
♫ And if I’m in the closet then you are below me ♫
♫ Takin’ the b-a-t out of “basement,” homey ♫
Spells “semen.”
♫ ‘Cause I’m Bo, yo, and I’m the greatest rappa eva ♫
♫ And I’ll weather your weather whether you think I’m clever ♫
♫ Or not, think you’re better, you’re not ♫
♫ Don’t need a sweater, I’m hot ♫
This song’s gonna end really awkwardly.
Thank you. I’ll do one–
Thank you guys so much for coming.
I hope you have a great night, and you’re the best.
See you, Boston! Whoa, Boston!
Red sox.
(Cheers and applause)
Go, Mo Vaughn.
(Scattered cheers)
♫ I love you like kings love queens ♫
♫ Like a gay geneticist loves designer genes ♫
♫ I need you like New Orleans needs a drought ♫
♫ Like Hitler’s father needed to learn to pull out ♫
♫ And I want you, yeah ♫
♫ Like a lawyer/mathematician wants some kind of proof ♫
♫ And I want you, yeah ♫
♫ Like JFK wanted ♫
♫ A car with a roof ♫
Is he here?
♫ Because love is taking a dive ♫
♫ Then getting really comfortable ♫
♫ And peeing in the pool ♫
♫ And love is a real-life porn ♫
♫ Minus all the stuff that makes porn cool ♫
♫ And love is a homeless guy ♫
♫ Searching for treasure in the middle of the rain ♫
♫ And finding a bag of gold coins ♫
♫ And slowly finding out they’re all filled with chocolate ♫
♫ And even though he’s heartbroken ♫
♫ He can’t complain ’cause he was hungry in the first place ♫
♫ I love you like Dora loves maps ♫
♫ Like the pope’s toilet loves holy craps ♫
♫ I need you like a voyeur needs a branch ♫
♫ Like boys tossing salad ♫
♫ Needs a little bit of neverland ranch ♫
I wrote it before! I’m fine.
♫ And I want you, yeah ♫
♫ Like all the gothic kids that look exactly the same ♫
♫ Never want to conform, what? ♫
♫ And I want you like Anne Frank wanted ♫
Nobody to read her f*cking diary.
(Cheers and applause)
♫ ‘Cause a diary’s a collection of secret things ♫
♫ No one’s supposed to read ♫
♫ That’s the whole point of a diary ♫
♫ Millions of people have breached ♫
♫ This little girl’s privacy after she was chased by Nazis ♫
♫ Kick her while she’s down ♫
♫ And if we met in 10,000 BC ♫
♫ I was your caveman, you was my cavelady ♫
♫ If we got hot, we’d start a-rubbing ♫
♫ If we got hungry, we’d go clubbing ♫
♫ There’s woolly mammoths, but I will protect us ♫
♫ You’re making me devolve to a homo erectus ♫
Yeah, hominid tree.
♫ And if we met in 1780 ♫
♫ I was a white southern aristocratic plantation owner ♫
♫ And you were my dark-skinned servant lady slave ♫
♫ Whenever I could get away from the missus ♫
♫ I’d go to your shed, and then I’d steal you kisses ♫
♫ But let’s be serious ♫
♫ I’d still work you full-time as a slave ♫
♫ There’s a difference between romantic language ♫
♫ And complete disregard for socio-economic trends ♫
♫ So if we met in 1941 ♫
♫ I was a Nazi, you’s a gypsy on the run ♫
♫ That’s a little redundant ♫
♫ That ♫
♫ Probably wouldn’t have worked out, okay ♫
♫ Yeah, because love is your favorite food ♫
♫ For every breakfast, lunch, and dinner ♫
♫ And love is the holocaust if you don’t die quick ♫
♫ And you don’t get thinner ♫
♫ And love is being the owner of the company ♫
♫ That makes rape whistles, and even though ♫
♫ You started the company with good intentions ♫
♫ Trying to reduce the rate of rape ♫
♫ Now you don’t want to reduce it at all ♫
♫ ‘Cause if the rape rate declines, ♫
♫ You’ll see an equal decline in whistle sales ♫
♫ Yeah, without a rapist who’s gonna buy your whistle? ♫
♫ Because love is ♫
♫ Love is all about whistles ♫
(Cheers and applause)
