Bo Burnham: What (2013) – Transcript

Bo What? Old MacDonald had a farm E I E I O And on that farm he had a pig E I E I O Here a snort There a Old MacDonald had a farm E I E I O [Applause] This is Bo Burnham. He’s 22 years old. He’s a male. And he looks like the genetic product of a giraffe having sex with Ellen Degeneres. He has a gigantic head and tiny nipples. He’s isolated himself over the last 5 years in pursuit of comedy. And, in doing so, has lost touch with reality. You’re an asshole, Bo. You hear me? You think you know better than me. You think you know better than everybody. You will die alone. And you will deserve it. But in the meantime, you might as well tell those silly jokes of yours. See if that helps. [Up beat music starts] You used to do comedy when you felt like being funny. But now you’re contractially obligated so dance you fucking monkey. DANCE, MONKEY, DANCE! Welcome to the show this is Bo, this is his show. And Bo likes to dance like this. Welcome to the show, this is Bo this is his show. And Bo takes off his pants like this. Play an invisible drum. [Invisible drum sounds] Play an invisible trumpet. Trumpet sound! Drink some invisible water, OH SHIT! That water is real! Bo wants to make you feel comfortable. Bo wants to make you feel comfortable. Random voice Bo wants to make you feel comfortable. So sit back, relax, and enjoy a healthy dose of prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. prolonged eye contact. Lick your lips to make it more comforting. Do you wanna see a magic trick? Yeah! Do you wanna see a magic trick? Yeah! Do you wanna see a magic trick? Then pick a card any card. SIKE! Magic isn’t real, you idiot. Read a book. Magic isn’t real, you idiot. Read a book. Magic isn’t real, you idiot. Read a book. Magic isn’t real. Or is it? And at that moment, Bo’s 20-year-old cynicism melted into childlike wonder. He never knew there could be so much magic in the world. It’s a world of possibilities, Bo. What do you wanna do first? Run? Yeah, sure you can run. Fly? Well yeah, you can fly. What? What are you… What the fuck you… What the fuck are you doing? Stop- St- Stop it! What the f- You fucking idiot, stop. Stop. Stop. Anyways. In the distance, Bo saw a beautiful fairy. A fairy so beautiful that he felt proud about being called one in high school. He then came across an old bridge with a troll standing guard. Bo knew that he’d have to answer a riddle to get by. The troll spoke thus: “All right, for the last time man, I’m not a troll.” “I’m homeless.” “Okay? Do you have any spare change?” “Okay, that’s a used napkin.” “I don’t want that.” “No. No, stop. Just-” “You know, leave. Just leave. Please leave.” And then, as Bo arrived on the other side of the stage, he saw a unicorn with 5 horns right in front of him. And the pentacorn spoke thus: “Hello, Bo!” ‘I’ve been looking for you for quite a long time no-” [Gunshots] [Reloading] [Gunshots] He was safe. For now… But the dark thoughts would soon return. IT’S GODZILLA! AAAAHHHHH!!! AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! [Screeching] OH MY GOD AHHHHH!!!! [Screeching] GODZILLA!! AAAAAUUUGGHHHHHH!!! [Screeching] It’s so hard to be a lizard. It’s hard to be a lizard. Tiny arms, itchy gizzard. It’s hard to be a lizard. But it’s harder to segue. Is he skiing? Or is he in a gay porn? Is he skiing? What? Or is he in a gay porn? Is he skiing? Huh! Or is he in a gay porn? Here’s a hint. He’s in a gay porn. Okay Bo, this miming shit is getting pretty annoying. So give ’em the real thing! [Autotuned] My voice is so fucking natural. [Autotuned] It’s naturally good. [Out of tune] Naturally good! Na-a-a-aturally good. This is the end of the song and the beginning of the show. Welcome to the show! [Applause] That lizard part was pretty fucking stupid.

Anyway, San Francisco! Yeah! We are a place. We are a place. In California- Um, I’d like to, uh, I’d like to start with a joke for my male audience. Uh, this is a joke for the fellas. Where are my fellas at? FELLAS?! [Fellas respond] Yo, fellas don’t you hate it when you’re blowing a guy and he ends up being a faggot? AM I RIGHT?! I’ve been blowing a faggot this whole time? Third time this week. Thank you so much. We’re having fun… This, um- This show is called “what”. And I hope there are some surprises for you, or someth- Jesus, sorry. It’s a good start. Uh, hope there’s- He meant to knock the water over. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you all thought it was an accident. But, he meant to knock the water over. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Art is a lie. Nothing is real! So, um, we uh- Grow up! Grow up with your applause. Stick it… He meant to knock the water over. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you all thought it was an acc– Just, don’t, if it’s on repeat it will repeat. Just… we can cut all this, so… We meant to play the track again. Yeah, yeah, yeah! But you all thought it was an accident. But, he meant to play the water track a-ga-ga-gain! Art’s still a lie. Nothing’s still real!

Food jokes. Let’s do some food jokes. Segues are weird. Um… [Laughs] I had a hot dog for breakfast today, and afterwards I felt like this. Cos I couldn’t control my stools. Alright, Jesus… I’m glad you like poop based puns They will be a majority of the show. Never waste a moment, every moment can become a comedic moment. See. So… Just a little lesson for comedians. This first song, is called: “A world on fire” [Screaming] This next song, it’s a little bit… it’s a little bit longer then that one. And… Thank you. It’s about how sad I am, and I’m really sad, it’s called “Sad” [Piano music] It’s about all the sad stuff Just picture a depressed onion cutting it self. [Gasps] I met a homeless man named Rich. Isn’t that terrible? I saw a flyer for a lost dog, and the dog did not have any legs. I saw a diabetic kid, trick-or-treating. I saw a giraffe who had a short neck. That was sad, or a dear? I saw an old man get hit by a train. He didn’t see it in the pouring rain. He didn’t hear me shout: “look out for the train!” Cos I didn’t say anything. I just thought to my self: “Ooh, this is going to be sad.” And it was. I’m a genius. [gasps] I saw a man with only one eye, in a 3D movie. I saw a little boy drop his ice cream cone directly on his mothers corpse! I saw a kitten stuck in a tree. Then the kitten jumped off and it hung it self, I saw a boy who had red hair. I went to a store looking for something to buy. But they only sold paintings of the same sad guy. No wait! This store sells mirrors, see what I did there? LETS ROCK! No. The worlds is so fucking sad bros. Pain. Genocide, war. Sexism, Racism. But I gotta remember there’s good things about it too. Like the fact that none of that is happening to me. Score! Still though it’s hard not to be sad about it. [to audience] How do you all do it? I’ve been telling you guys terribly sad things this whole song you haven’t been sad at all, you’ve been… You’ve been happy. No… You’ve been laughing. That’s it, laughter. That’s the key to everything. It’s the way to solve all the sadness in the world. I mean not for the people that are actually sad, but for people like us, that gotta fucking deal with them all the time. Being a comedian isn’t being an insensitive prick, capitalizing on the most animalistic impulses of the public. It’s being a hero. The world isn’t sad, the world is funny. I’m a sociopath! I saw an old man slip and fall. Hey, what a fucking idiot. I saw a woman at her daughters funeral. Ha-ha-ha. Classic comedy. Everything that once was sad is somehow funny now. The holocaust and 9/11, that shit’s funny 24/7. Cos tragedy will be exclusively joked about. Because my empathy is bumming me out. God-bye sadness! Hello jokes. Thank you.


I’ve got a really good joke about video editors. Video editors are so fucking… I think we should do a poem right now, if that’s OK? This poem is a little bit sappy, a little bit romantic, so we’ll get it out of the way now, and we’ll go back to the… Oops… the dirty stuff, you know. Everyone loves at a late show or whatever. OK It’s called: “I fuck sluts” [audience member yells] It’s not a roll call but thank you. Sluts! Sluts! [laughs] Sluts! Sluts! I fuck sluts. Sluts get fucked when I fuck sluts. No ifs ands or buts. I fuck sluts! I fuck sluts! Nice girls are nice. But no good for nut sucking. They’ll need a serene night to green-light a buttfucking. But that’ll be easy with sleazy old slut fucking. Boo to the nice girls, praise be to slut fucking. I have a list. A list? Yes, a list of all the sluts I’ve missed. I’ve never fucked or sucked these sluts. And thus my nuts are fucking pissed. So when I fuck the lucky slut my nut removes her from the list. Another dumb cum-bucket struck from my nut sucking, suck it slut, slut fucking, bucket list. [applause] Yes, you hear the influences: Chaucer, Keats. Um… The pages are blank, I know it. Why am I lying to you? Sluts can be white, black, brown, pink, or almond. They can be skinny with big tits, or be skinny with small ones. Sluts can be perky, prepy or posh, with their brains and their clothes all shrunk from the wash. Excuse me. But other sluts are pretty and funny and smart. These sluts can lift all your thoughts from your dick to your heart. They can talk about science music or art. They can put you together, or they can pull you apart. But don’t trust there sluts, Don’t, don’t you dare. They’ll force you to trust them and love them and care. And then they’ll be gone and you’ll be aware of the hole in your heart that that dumb slut left there. Thank you very much.


So, he was lashing out with sexist language cos he had his heart broken. We all learn something. Thank you all for coming. I know some of my bits are a little bit fast and dense, a little bit hard to follow, particularly that one. So I want to do something a little bit slower, for the people, maybe the older people in the crowd, or something, so umm… [laughter] This’s for you: Here’s a slow joke. [slowdown sound] [talking in slo-mo] What did the ear of corn say [talking in slo-mo] when all of it’s clothes fell off? [talking in slo-mo] Aww, shucks! [talking in slo-mo] Get it? [talking in slo-mo] Like “shucks” as in shucking corn [talking in slo-mo] and also “shucks” the exclamation. [talking in slo-mo] Am I right? [laughter] [speedup sound] Good. We’re having fun.

Umm… My father recently told me that I act too flamboyant on stage. And I said: “really dad?” “Prove it!” [laughter] He sad: “Well what about that joke” “where you throw confetti at the end of it?” I said: “well I haven’t written that joke yet,” “cos it’s based of this conversation!” “Gotcha!” Keep it, keep the struggle. We are having a lot of fun guys. Don’t worry, you don’t have to fill the silences with laughter or applause. I don’t want you leaving this show thinking: “My hands hurt from clapping.” “My stomach hurts from laughing.” I just want you leaving the show, thinking: “Meh… alright…” And we are on our way.

I moved to, um… Hollywood recently from Boston, where I grew up and… [audience member yells] Places! And I… [laughs] I heard about these sort of wild Hollywood party nights that people would have and I did not think they were true. Until I moved to Hollywood and I started having them. Anyway, this is a song about a crazy night that happened a couple of weeks ago. It’s called: “What did I do last night?” [Electronic music starts] Yeah! Yeah! Hey! Hey! Hey! What did I do last night? I cried my self to sleep! [Music stops] [Laughter] [applause] It was a good one.

When did my mother first describe gay sex to me? Good question, I was 8 years old… I was 8 years old, she brought me into the dining room, she sat right across the table from me. She said: “Do you know how your father and I love each other” I said: “Of course.” “You and dad love each other” “more then two people could possible love each other.” She said: “Well two men can love each other in the exact same way” “that your father and I love each other.” She said: “what happens when two men love each other like that.” “What they do is, they take off all their clothes” “Umm.. they get into bed” “And they SHIT ON THE BIBLE!” [laughter] So I don’t talk to her anymore.

OK [80’s sf sounds] [Robotic voice] Hello patient #24602 Hi. I’m sorry. [Robotic voice] How are you feeling? Not great. [Robotic voice] Has the treatment been working? No, it hasn’t been. [Robotic voice] What are your remaining symptoms? I just… I internalise my feelings. I have trouble articulati… Like, other people, and relating to them… [Robotic voice] So basically you’re still a little bitch? Real mature of you, disembodied voice. [Robotic voice] I was just joking n i g g e r. [laughter] We are right by Oakland, careful with that shit. [Robotic voice] I’m not human, I can say whatever I want. Alright, Just get to the… What, what’s wrong with me, please. [Robotic voice] Your emotions and your logic are at war. OK. [Robotic voice] Your creativity and your analysis are at war. [Robotic voice] And most simply [Robotic voice] Your left and your right brain are at war. My left and my right… ? [Robotic voice] To fix the problem [Robotic voice] We must separate them from each other. Separa… [Robotic voice] Splitting your neurological functions in: [5] [4] [3] We book an appointment. [2 … 1] You don’t just start counting down. [Robotic voice] This may hurt a bit I don’t even know what “it” is. [Robotic voice] Zero. Just… [high pitched robotic sounds] [Robotic voice] Isolation complete. [Robotic voice] This is Bo’s left brain. [Robotic voice] Objective. Logical. Cold. [Robotic voice] Analytical. Aware of patterns. [Robotic voice] Aware of trends. [Robotic voice] He’s efficient. [Robotic voice] And a prick. [Robotic voice] This is Bo’s right brain. [Robotic voice] Subjective. Creative. Sensory. [Robotic voice] Aware of feelings. [Robotic voice] Aware of people. [Robotic voice] He’s emotional. Yes. [Robotic voice] And an idiot. That’s your opinion… So just… Be careful with opinions… Yooo! [Robotic voice] Play nice.

I am the left brain. I am the left brain. I work really hard to my inevitable death brain. You’ve got a job to do, you better do it right. And the right way is with the left brains might. I like Oreos and pussy! Yeah! ok! And I cried for at least an hour after watching Toy Story 3. I am the right brain. I have feelings. I’m a little all over the place, but I’m lustful, trustful, and I’m looking for somebody to love. And put my penis in! Here comes a female, here comes a female. Puff your chest out take your phone and check your e-mail our evolutionary purpose is repopulate, so gather data now and see if she’s a possible mate. Holy fuck! I think she might be the one! There’s something about her, I just can’t describe it. Tits. I am the earth she is the glorious sun. I want her to trust me, and I just want her to sit on my face. Sit… sit… Alright new right brain, you’re being insane. No left brain! I’m just being alive! You should try it. You might like it. I worked hard to give him everything he cared about. You were worried about the things he was scared about. I’m calm and collected when you act wild. I am the adult, you are the child. You think you are the right one every time. You think you know everything. You don’t know anything at all. Half of his problems were supposed to be mine. But you wanted everything. I hope that you’re happy. Cos he’s sure not.

Well according to my calculations, you are a pussy! Name calling? Really? We’re going to do name calling? We are not calling names. We are just stating facts. And the fact is: You’re a quivering pussy. I’m the pussy? Well at least I don’t play with toys still. OK, Rubik’s cubes are not toys. They keep my spacial reasoning skills sharp. Left brain plays with toys. Look at you, Johnny fucking… toy player! Well at least I did my fucking job. I kept him working, I kept him productive. You were supposed to look after him. You were supposed to keep him emotionally stable through all this, now you are trying to blame me for how he’s feeling. How he’s feeling? If he’s feeling unhappy, it’s because you failed him. You did this to him, he hates you I know he does. He fucking hates you! [crying] Right brain, look, I’m sorry. No you’re not… Look, maybe there’s something that we could do together. Together? Take the best parts of both of us. And put them together. I’m listening… It would let you let your feelings out, it would let me analyse. So you could man the themes, I’ll man the form. It’s something that George Carlin did, It’s something that Steve Martin did, It’s something special that we could both perform. Do you know what it is? Juggling? We could juggle, and juggle our cares away! It was comedy. We could do comedy together. [Robotic voice] Initiate reassembly. Alright, right brain, we are going to do comedy together. Altight left brain, I’ll do comedy with you. Look, we can fix him like this. Make him happy again. I promise. Left brain… Left brain I love you! I know. [Robotic voice] Experimentation complete. Thank you very much.


At this part of the show I’d like to talk about how deep I am. [laughter] [piano music] I’m pretty fucking deep… deep… deep… So deep… That I called this song… Hash-tag deep. Have you ever stopped to watch a bluebird drop from a tree and take to the air? Me neither. Have you ever took time out to finish a rhyme but the right words just weren’t there? Meat cleaver. The people in my life, are like grains of sand. Cos they stick together. Often near my butthole. If life is an ocean, I am a deep and handsome fish. A fish that’s drowning. If the artistic process is a birth canal then I am a freshly jellied kid, come witness my crowning. These thoughts of mine, must be a sign that I’m, hash-tag deep. If Jesus can walk on water, can he swim on land? Have you ever accidentally peed on the toilet seat instead of on your girlfriends face. Me neither. Me neither! Have you ever wrote a song note for note, and not a single note was out of place. [out of tune playing] The people in my life, are like blades of grass. How? Cos they’re all so grounded, But at least grass stays away from my BUTTHOLE! Art is a harlot, and I am her sassy urban friend. Oooh… That’s why you’re being so selfish. If mamma is right, and the world is my oyster, then I must have an allergy to shell… You don’t know, how could you know? If life makes you wish you were dead. Just put on a good movie then promptly put a bullet in your head. Spend forever asleep. Cos life pales in comparison to living the dream. Hash-tag deep. [music ends] Thank you.


[happy music starts playing] [music stops] [sad music] Don’t you hate it when that happens? Yeah. Thank you, That’s called: “Beating off in A minor”. Yes… Yes… “A-minor”, the key, not the felony. So… I believe… [laughs] I believe there’s nothing more manly one can do then take a shower with 5 other guys. It’s true. It’s early caveman, Cro-Magnon, wandering though the fog. You know scrubbing 5 other sapiens, no homo. [laughter] I’d like to do… erm… do some poems right now. Erm… if that’s OK? We’re at this point at the show. These poems are actually… I’m releasing this special for free so I’m going to plug my poetry book. These are my new poems from my poetry book called “Egghead”. That will be out by the time this is airing. But not by the time you guys are seated here right now. They are pretty serious, and it’s all just sort of… This is usually the lull of the show. Usually. So i like at this point to sort of take the pressure of the audience. And just read some poems, and then we’ll go back to the giggles. So… This is a poem by a dog: “Roses are gray. Violets are a different shade of gray.” “Let’s go chase cars.” [Applause] + [Chimes] “Me. With my strange choice of adjectives.” “You with your muscular teeth and your clockwise vagina.” [Chimes] “I put a chameleon on a red dildo.” Well… “He blushed!” There we go. [Chimes] This is a poem about beauty, about self image, and about the ability to transform. “Martha was ugly, like a shaven baboon.” “So she wrapped her self up” “in a curtain cocoon.” “And after a week she finally emerged.” “She smelled like shit! What a psycho.” [Chimes] + [Laughter] “You’re incomparable.” “Like a … ” [Chimes] + [Laughter] + [Applause] “I want to beat you to death with a blunt object!” “I want to grab one of those” “high end fashion manikins by the ankles” “and bash your rib cage in!” “I want to sharpen 15 pencils” “bind them with a rubber band” “stick the lead in your mouth” “and punch the erasers!” “I want to strap you to a bed of nails” “then strap that bed of nails to the hood of my car” “so I can watch you suffer as we drive over speed bumps” “in a mall parking lot during an earthquake!” “I want you to somehow survive” “a terrible car crash and then somehow” “not survive a small fender bender” “on the way back from a hospital.” [Chimes] + [Laughter] Thank you that’s called “Dad”. [Laughter] + [Applause] This is a poem… It’s really a story that’s meant primarily for children. But I think it’s got a lesson we could all learn. “The squares lived happily.” “In their square houses.” “In their square yard.” “In their square town.” “But then one day,” “a family of circles moved in from the west” “Get out of here roundies!” “Shouted one of the squares.” “Why? Said one of the circles” “Cos this is a metaphor for racism” [Chimes] + [Laughter] + [Applause] “When I walk into a party” “you’d think I was one of those long straight Tetris pieces” “cos everyone’s just like: Oh yeah. This guy’s here” “Finally we’ve been waiting for him to show up” Like you wait… in the game… Forget it. [Laughter] No. You had your chance. “If I had a million dollars” “I’d pay your mother to have sex with me” “afterwards I’d probably invest the remaining $999.990” Ten dollars for sex with your mother. Comedy! I smell comedy. Well, it was comedy giving off that scent. And finally: “Mid October,” “with leaves spilled like colored pencil shavings.” “The streets dicing our town into neat, unfair portions.” “And me.” “Eating that pussy baby!” [Laughter] + [Applause] Thank you so much.

Um… There’s things that I don’t want to come across in my show, that I worry often come across, about me, cos people don’t realize it’s an act up here. I don’t want you to ever think that I think that I’m better then people. or that i think I know better then people. Um… anyway, sorry. OK. This is a song from the perspective of God. [Laughter] + [Applause] + [Piano music] Books you think I wrote are way to thick. Who needs a thousand metaphos to figure out you shouldn’t be a dick. And I don’t watch you when you sleep Surprisingly I don’t use my omnipotence to be a fucking creep. You’re not going to heaven. Why the fuck would you think I’d ever kick it with you? None of you are going to heaven. There’s a trillion aliens cooler then you. You shouldn’t abstain from rape just cos you think that I want you to. You shouldn’t rape cos rape is a fucked up thing to do. Pretty obvious, just don’t fucking rape people. Didn’t think I needed to write that one down for you. I don’t think masturbation is obscene. It’s absolutely natural and the weirdest fucking thing I’ve ever seen. You make my job a living hell. I send gays to fix overpopulation. Boy did that go well. You’re not going to heaven. Eat a thousand crackers, sing a million hymns. None of you are going to heaven. You’re not my children, you are a bad game of sim. You shouldn’t abstain from pork just cos you think that I want you to. You can eat pork cos why the fuck would I give a shit? I created the universe, you think I’m drawing the line at the fucking deli isle? [Laughter] + [applause] You argue and you bicker and you fight. Atheists and Catholics, Jews and Hindus argue day and night. Over what they think is true. But no one entertains the thought, that maybe God does not Believe in you. You pray so badly for heaven. Knowing any day might be the day that you die. But maybe life on earth could be heaven? Doesn’t just the thought of it make it worth a try? My love’s the type of thing that you have to earn. And when you earn it you won’t need it. My love’s the type of thing that you have to earn. And when you earn it you won’t need it. I’m not gonna give you love just cos I know that you want me to. If you want love then the love has gotta come from you. [Music ends] + [Applause] [Rock music] “Walking between the micorphones” “is really awkward.” Tell me about it.

Um… Women are stupid! Yeah I fucking said it. They are the weaker, dumber sex. I can prove it to you. I like to practice safe sex. Why? Cos I’m a guy. And I’m smarter. What do women say, every time? Every time i put on a condom, what do they say? “Why are you wearing a condom?” “I’m fucking you with a strap-on.” To be safe bitch! Women right, they’re the dumb ones. It’s time for a story. Let’s do a story. [Happy music] “It’s time for a story.” “It’s time for a story.” “A very special story” “Especially for you.” “It’s time for a story.” “It’s time for a story!” “Sit down and listen now.” “Don’t be a Jew.” This story is called… It’s a glitch! You can be Jewish. This story… This story is called: “Andy the frog”. Featuring long and convoluted similes. And I’ll warn you when one of those long and convoluted similes rears it’s old, head. So here we go: “Once upon a time, there was a frog name Andy.” [Frog noise] “Andy lived at the patent park pond.” “And he never hopped anywhere else” “in his entire frog life.” “He had three best friends:” “Milly, who never left her lily pad.” [Laughs] “Billy, who was always hopping mad.” “And Roger, who was arrested for possession of tadpole porn.” [Laughter] “So one day…” “One day…” “Andy saw something hop across the grass” “on the other side of the pond.” “Milly, Billy, Roger, look! -Said Andy.” “Across the pond stood” “The most beautiful frog Andy had ever seen.” “She’s gorgeous! -Said Milly.” “She’s beautiful! -Said Billy.” “A bit old for my taste! -Said Roger.” “Classic Roger!” “And then she was gone.” “I need to go find her! -Said Andy.” “I need to follow my little frog heart.” “So Andy followed the beautiful frogs footsteps into the forest.” “He then came across a turtle.” “You can’t pass! -Said the turtle.” “Please? -Said Andy.” “No! -Said the turtle.” And this is the first long convoluted simile: “Then there was a rustling in the bushes.” “And, like a man who had been shot in the chest with a rifle,” “the turtle was shot in the chest with a rifle.” [Laughter] + [Applause] “Andy kept moving, but at this point,” “like the doctor of the Kenyan track team” “his patience ran thin.” “Andy kept moving.” [Laughter] “He then came across a giant crocodile.” “And the crocodile began to chant:” “I woke up this morning,” “And I sat on a log.” “I opened up the menu,” “the menu said FROG!” [Laughs] “Andy said: No! No! Please let go of me!” “I can feel my self dying!” “You’re ripping out my insides!” “I’m never going to find her, am i?” “There’s no God, Is there?” “Fuck!” “FUCK!!!!” The end. The end! So, that’s the end of that story. [Applause] + [Laughter]

If you are curious, the moral of that story is irrelevant, cos we are humans. Why would it apply to us? Um… You know my father is so hard to get along with. Cos he’s such a man’s man. You know? He believes, like, for example: You should always fight fire with fire. Which is a horrible way to live your life. Especially for him, because he’s a firefighter so… He was fired… That was as stupid as we get. But let’s get a little stupider, ha? “There’s a creepy old man” “fishing in a park.” “and the only problem is” “he tied a candy bar” “to the end of his line.” “He’s trying to catch a kid.” You know that stuff… Trying to get a little more mainstream. [Laughs] Um… People complain about the way I act on stage very often, you know. They say, like, I repeat jokes. Or they also say that They say… They don’t get again, that this is an act, on stage. They think on stage I act too arrogant, too self-obsessed, solipsistic, self-contained, synonyms. And they want me to be… They want me to be a comic of the people. You know. Relate to the people with the overarching glue of comedy. So I want to do a little bit of relatable comedy for you guys. I’m like you guys, you know. Once a week I like to slip into a deep existential depression where I loose all my sense of oneness and self worth. Ha-ha! And what I like to do in order to assure my self that I am unique, and not just one of many small white indistinguishable perfectly cylindric checker pieces in Jesus and Satan’s backgammon game. Is, I will… I’ll say a group a words that I think no one has ever said. in that order. So that… when I say it, I feel like: “look at me!” Participating in this new moment that no one’s ever been a part of. So I’ll say something random like like: “Peanut-butter tribadism.” Or: “I’m your father and I loved your comedy show.” Or: “At first I wasn’t comfortable leaving him alone with my children” “but then I saw his mustache. Phew…” Or um… Or: “Yo! Check out this Amish website!” Or um… Or: “I work at a toll booth and I don’t want to kill my self.” Or… That’s… too… Too real. Or: “Yo man! Life’s about three things man,” “Three things!” “Gettin’ money!” “Gettin’ pussy!” “And the Dewey Decimal System!” Or… Um… Or: “Hey! Can you hold my fanny pack I’m gonna go fuck a woman.” [Laughter] + [Applause] Um… If i could break… I want to tank you all for being here because I… I’m so grateful that you’d all come here and spend an hour of your time with me. And if you are watching at home or whatever. On a computer or something. If you have made it this far, That you very much for watching. Genuinely… I… This is my favorite thing to do. And I’m so grateful for people watching it and enjoying it. Um… OK. I will now recede back into my stage persona [Scoffs] [Piano music] I just blacked out for 20 seconds. Thank you for coming. Love songs used to be so beautiful. You know: “Let us go then, you and I.” “When the evening is spread out against the sky” “like a patient etherised upon a table” -T. S. Eliot. Beautiful. Love songs now a days Just as beautiful, guys! Usher, Justin Bieber, 1D. You know them. But these new artists they’ve done something very strange to the format of the love song they’ve changed it a bit. And I try to… capture how they’ve changed the format of the love song with this love song. I hope you enjoy it and mark the differences. Jason Derulo. I love your hair, I love your name, I love the way you say it. I love your heart and you’re so smart cos you gave away it. I love your sis, I love your dad, And I love your mom. But more then all of that I love the fact that you are dumb enough, to not realise everything I’ve said has been said before in a thousand ways in a thousand songs sung with the same four chords. But you’ll still love it and let me finger you. YEAAA! FINGER YOU!! FINGER YOU!!! Oh girl, i hope you don’t think that I’m rude, when I tell you that I love you boo. I also hope that see through this cleverly constructed ruse, designed by a marketing team cashing in on puberty and low self esteem and girls desperate need to feel loved. America says we love a chorus, but don’t get complicated and bore us. Though meaning might be missin’ We need to know the words after just one listen so repeat stuff… .repeat stuff.. ..repeat stuff. repeat stuff… .repeat stuff.. ..repeat stuff. repeat stuff… .repeat stuff.. ..repeat stuff. …repeat stuff. Yeah. Oh you know it? I love my baby and you know I could not live without her. But now I need to make every girl think this song’s about her. Just to make sure that they spread it like the plague. So I describe my dream girl as really really vague, like: I love your hands cos your fingerprints are like no other. I love your eyes and their blueish-brownish-greenish color. I love it when you smile that you smile wide. And I love how your torso has a arm on either side. If you’re my agent, you might be thinking: “Oh no!” “Sound the alarm!” “You’re not appealing” “to little girls” “who don’t have arms.” But they can’t use iTunes, so… FUCK them! Who needs them? Oh girl I ho… Oh! Hello Satan! [Lewd noises] Satan you taste so good! repeat stuff… .repeat stuff.. ..repeat stuff. repeat stuff… .repeat stuff.. Everybody! [Audience] repeat stuff… [Audience] .repeat stuff.. [Audience] ..repeat stuff. [Audience] repeat stuff… C’mon, louder. I can’t hear you. [Audience] repeat stuff… [Audience] .repeat stuff. [Audience] ..repeat stuff. [Audience] repeat stuff… [Laughter] + [Applause]

Young ones, listen up! I’m in magazines, full of model teens so far above you. So read them and hate your self. And pay me to tell you I love you. [Gasps: “I love you”] And your parents will always come along. Because their little girl is in love! And how can love be wrong? How can love be wrong? When you repeat stuff… .repeat stuff.. ..repeat stuff. repeat stuff… .rep… [Garbled voice] …I am a vessel… ….666… [Garbled voice] …Illuminati… We know it’s not right. We know it’s not funny. But we’ll stop beating this dead horse when it stops spiting out money. But until then… We will repeat stuff. [Music end] + [Applause] Thank you so much, you guys have been… Um… you guys have been absolutely amazing. You’ve been absolutely amazing. That’s the end of the show. I probably should have ended it on a sort of higher note there. But yeah, that’s the end of “what.” I hope you liked it… [Girl voice] Bo! [Girl voice] Oh my god! [Girl voice] How are you? [Girl voice] I have not seen you [Girl voice] since like freshman year. [Girl voice] Oh my god! [Girl voice] You were so like skinny [Girl voice] And weird back then. [Girl voice] But now you’re… Um… [Girl voice] Anyway… Um… [Girl voice] You should totally come [Girl voice] to this party I’m having tonight [Girl voice] with some of my college friends. [Girl voice] It’s gonna be off the chain hook! [Girl voice] It’s gonna be so good. [Girl voice] You can play some songs for us, [Girl voice] or something. [Girl voice] I’ve been telling everybody [Girl voice] how good a friends we were [Girl voice] Back in the day. [Girl voice] I know we never talked [Girl voice] or hung out ever, but… Um… [Girl voice] I think that’s what made [Girl voice] our friendship so special, you know. [Girl voice] Anyway, text me. OK. Bye. [Guy voice] Mr. Burnham? [Guy voice] How you doing? [Guy voice] Good? Good. [Guy voice] I’m a… I’m a agent [Guy voice] from out Los Angeles. [Guy voice] Really dig your stuff man. [Guy voice] It’s out there. You know. [Guy voice] I totally get it. [Guy voice] And the best part about it man, [Guy voice] you got all these young fans. [Guy voice] And… Which is great [Guy voice] Because young people, [Guy voice] they’re… they’re very passionate, [Guy voice] they’re very… Um… reliable consumers. [Guy voice] But what you gotta do [Guy voice] in order to take your career [Guy voice] to the next level, [Guy voice] you gotta cater more heavily to them. [Guy voice] Alright, we’ve done studies, [Guy voice] young people do not respond [Guy voice] to this, you know, introspective material [Guy voice] these challenges to the form, you know. [Guy voice] Young people want jokes [Guy voice] they can relate to. OK? [Guy voice] So… Write a… [Guy voice] Write a silly song about Facebook [Guy voice] you know, write some jokes [Guy voice] about Twitter, [Guy voice] or sugary cereal, [Guy voice] or razor scooters. [Guy voice] Relate to them. [Guy voice] You know, also [Guy voice] you gotta reestablish your presence [Guy voice] on the internet buddy. Alright? [Guy voice] It’s not important weather [Guy voice] the material is good or not. [Guy voice] What’s important is [Guy voice] that you keep the Bo Burnham brand [Guy voice] Alive and well. [Guy voice] You get it? Cool. [Guy voice] We’ll discuss more later [Guy voice] I know it’s a lot. [Guy voice] My number is 310… 555… [Bro voice] Fag! [Bro voice] What up dude! [Bro voice] What’s up? How are you man? [Bro voice] You’ve changed bro. [Bro voice] You’ve changed. [Bro voice] I never knew you. [Bro voice] But my friends old room mate’s friend [Bro voice] said he knew you in highschool [Bro voice] and that you became a real asshole [Bro voice] once all this comedy stuff started happening. [Bro voice] What is it man? [Bro voice] You think you are better then us? [Bro voice] You think you are better then us [Bro voice] just because you are tall? [Bro voice] Woah, congrats man, you are tall. [Bro voice] Wow! That’s incredible. [Bro voice] Woah! You want a trophy [Bro voice] for being tall? [Bro voice] You wonna… We should just give [Bro voice] trophies to tall things [Bro voice] and every tree, and building [Bro voice] will have a trophy. [Bro voice] Does that make sense? [Bro voice] Yo? Why are you acting [Bro voice] all quiet and weird right now? [Bro voice] Yo I know why you are. [Bro voice] It’s cos you are an arrogant prick, [Bro voice] that’s why. An arrogant fucking prick! [Bro voice] I once herd that you [Bro voice] actually act quiet because [Bro voice] you are shy and introverted in real life, [Bro voice] and that people should not expect [Bro voice] you to act the same way [Bro voice] off stage as you do on stage. [Bro voice] Ha ha! Yeah, yeah… [Bro voice] That makes no sense. [Bro voice] Anyway, you wanna buy some weed? [Girl voice] Bo! Oh my god! [Girl voice] Bo! Oh my god! Bo! Bo! Bo! Bo! Bo! Bo! Bo! Bo! Bo! Oh my god! [Guy voice] Mr. Burnham. Bo! Bo! [Bro voice] Fag! Bo! Oh my god! Mr. Burnham. Bo! Bo! Fag! Bo! Oh my god! Mr. Burnham. [This keeps going…] [Applause] I am Satan, lord of darkness! [Crickets] [Punching noises] [Girl voice] What the hell? [Punching noises] [Girl voice] You’re not gonna hit the girl? [Girl voice] That’s sexist! [Bro voice] We think you’ve changed, bro. [Guy voice] We know best. [Girl voice] You suck! We think you’ve changed, bro. We know best. You suck! We think We know You We think We know You We think We know You We think We know You We think We know You We think We know You We think We know You We think We know You [Starts playing music over voices]


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