Monologue: I’m Glad David Koch is Dead | Real Time with Bill Maher (HBO) – Full Transcript

Bill Maher recaps the top stories of the week, including Donald Trump's interest in buying Greenland and the death of David Koch.

Bill Maher recaps the top stories of the week, including Donald Trump’s interest in buying Greenland and the passing of David Koch.

I needed that ladies and gentlemen. I’ve had so many shitty weeks but this is a shitty week, I’m telling you. No, really, the one bright spot I can find is that Trump finally found some white people to fight with: Denmark. Really, he’s fighting with Denmark because, you know, this he’s been wanting to buy Greenland. By the way, today Puerto Rico said “you don’t take care of the islands you already have.”

But as I’ve said it’s not a crazy idea to want to own Greenland, other presidents have suggested it, but they took no for an answer. No this guy. The Prime Minister told him “not for sale,” and he said “that’s what Melania’s parent said.”

The prime minister of Denmark—nasty woman—said his offer was absurd and Trump said “you nasty and you’ve insulted America,” and he wanted to talk to the manager!

He’s crazy, he’s off his rocker. He’s giving hour-long press conferences on the White House lawn—brought to you by Adderall.1 The President of the United States stands in the driveway every day and screams at people. I mean, I know a lot of old guys are like “get off my lawn”– he’s like “get on my lawn.”

The suit saves him. It’s all about the suit. Really, if he wasn’t wearing this suit—ordinarily people who do that are wearing a bathrobe with the garden hose in their hand—”Hey, let me tell you something…”

The president is the inflatable arm-flailing tube-man outside of the car dealership, that’s who he is.

I don’t want to say he has the mind of a child, but today Jeffery Epstein‘s ghost tried to fuck it. Gentle good humor, that’s what we do here, very gentle.

Now do you see now why I say we need a recession? I know it’s gonna be painful, but we have to get rid of this guy. And recession Trump now says not to worry. He says the economy’s going fantastically and—other than ALWAYS—when is he ever lied? Yeah, he says not to worry about a recession, he says he always finds a way to win and that he wrote the book on surviving financial catastrophe, specifically chapter 11.2

This is a bad sign: today Greenland offered to buy us.

And now some funeral news to report yesterday David Koch of the zillionaire Koch brothers died plays of prostate cancer—I guess I’m going to have to re-evaluate my low opinion of prostate cancer! He was he was 79, but his family says they wish it could be longer but at least he lived long enough to see the Amazon catch fire. Condolences poured in from all the politicians he owned and mourners are being asked in lieu of flowers to just leave their car engine running.

As for his remains he is has asked to be cremated and have his ashes blown into a child’s lungs.

Now, I know these seem like harsh words and harsh jokes, and I’m sure I will be condemned for them… on Fox News, which will portray Mr. Koch as a principled libertarian who believe in the free market. He and his brother have done more than anybody to fund climate science deniers for decades, so FUCK HIM! The Amazon is burning up, I’m glad he’s dead and I hope the end was painful.

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1 Adderall is a prescription medication used to treat attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) and narcolepsy.

2 Chapter 11 bankruptcy is a form of bankruptcy reorganization available to individuals, corporations and partnerships. It is the usual choice for large businesses seeking to restructure their debt. Trump has filed Chapter 11 six times, four times within two years in the 1990s, once more in 2004 and once more in 2009.


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