The full transcript of Bill’s monologue at the SNL is now available here
In 2006 Bill Burr and many of the regular comedians of The Opie & Anthony Show were on The Traveling Virus Comedy Tour, hitting large venues around the nation. Things went south when the tour came to the Philadelphia. From the jump, the unruly Philly crowd set the tone of the night by booing the first comedian off the stage and then proceeded to give hell to all other comedians on the bill.
When the artist before him was booed off the stage, Burr decided to go on the offensive. Burr then spent his 12 minute set picking apart every thing about the city from its food, its sports teams, its icons, all while receiving boos from the audience. However, Burr would not let the crowd get him like they did the previous acts and kept hammering the audience until some started to turn in his favor. By the time the 12 minute set (which Burr counted down every passing minute) was over, much of the crowd gave the comedian a standing ovation. Partly because he was actually quite funny and partly because he made it through the gauntlet and didn’t back down. That night Burr became the tamer of unruly audiences and earned an incredible amount of respect from comedians and working class audiences that now adore him.
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Oh Fuck all you people you ya know what you fucking losers, I hope you all fucking die, and I hope those fucking Eagles never win the Superbowl. Go fuck yourselves.
Fuck all you motherfuckers and fuck the Flyers. Fuck all of you. Bunch of goddamn fucking losers. Booing Dom Irerra. Suck a dick. All of you. Suck a fuckin dick
Yo – I’m seguewaying into my next joke. You can all lick my fucking red nuts. All of yas…can line up with your Harold Carmichael fuckin jerseys, and one at a time you can all suck my dick.
City of Brotherly Love. You bunch of fuckin cocks. Fucking goddamn losers. 52 fuckin hours into a show. What the fuck am I gonna do at this point. You people are on goddamn acid. Fuckin be up here talking about Hitler. That aint’ gonna work.
What do you want me to talk about. Say it. Throw out some topics Let’s talk about heart disease, something you’re all gonna fuckin die of. And I’m gonna laugh at your fucking funerals which is gonna be great. You’re all gonna get fuckin cancer which is fantastic because all your fucking heads are shaved anyway no one’s even gonna notice. You’re gonna get fired for coming to work too late cause they’re not gonna notice that you have fucking bone marrow cancer. The only thing that’s gonna give it away is me laughing at you in the fucking background.
You fucking bunch of losers with your fucking cellphone pictures Fucking suck a dick. Fucking assholes.
11 more minutes of this
I hope you all get in your Ford Focuses and fucking drive off the side of that faggot ass Ben Franklin bridge. You fucking one bridge having piece of shit city that no one gives a fuck about. The terrorists will never bomb you people ‘cause you’re fucking worthless and no one cares about you. You are this high above New Orleans. No one gives a shit. FEMA would never show up for you fuckin’ assholes. I hope your mother has herpes in the center of her asshole and you go home tonight and lick it and get it on your tongue and some other horrific shit happens that involves cancer – all of you.
11 minutes left.
I hope somebody takes a fuckin beer stein and just slaps you in the back of your zit infested fucking shoulders and your awful man tits hang. I hope that happens to you. I hope the glass gets fuckin into your fuckin shoulder blades and then I see you afterwards “Hey how’s it going” [simulates slapping a good friend in the back] Enjoy the fuckin show? That’s great. I’d grab you buy the fuckin hair but you don’t have any.
Does it really have to come to this people? Does it really have to come to this? I really hope all of you run into all those black people that you love so much here in Camden. I really hope that happens. I hope there’s a line of all of you guys getting fuckin car jacked and they take out their big black dicks and they just shove them right in your fucking mouths. Each and every one of you and somehow they just keep repeatedly cumming right in your fucking eyeballs, so that it builds up so much that your eyes fucking crust over. You can’t see shit. Somehow there’s another dick in there for you to suck.
10 minutes left.
What do you want? Is this what you want? Bunch of fucking losers. Fucking Rocky is your hero. The whole pride of your city is built around a fuckin guy who doesn’t even exist. You got fuckin Joe Frazier is from there but he’s black so you can’t fuckin deal with him, so you make a fucking statue for some 3 ft fuckin Italian you stupid philly cheese-eatin fucking jackasses. I hope the cheese melts your faces off. All of you collectively SUCK a FUCKIN DICK. Fuckin boo me 9 hrs. into a fuckin show. You and your fuckin Donovan McNabb shirt. I hope he snaps both his fuckin ankles the first goddamn game. I hope you go 0-15. I SAID SUCK A DICK
8 MINUTES left. 8 fuckin minutes left.
The Flyers. Do they even fuckin exist anymore? Bunch of goddamn pansies. Never won shit, since fuckin Gerald Ford was in office. Why don’t ya just get the fuckin Ice Capades down there you assholes. You probably won’t even notice the fuckin difference. That fuckin pussy team. Remember that had that whole season when they wore the slacks. You bunch of faggots. What else what else. I got your mothers. 8 Minutes I’m doin it all.
I’m fuckin standing here. I broke the mic stand. I have a little fuckin cane now. I’m gonna be the little observational comedian here. What’s that sir? What do you have to say sir? Never passed the fuckin 8th grade. What brilliant shit are you gonna fuckin tell me? Go back to the dock and unload some shit. Fucking warehouse working, weed smoking, fucking disappointment to your mother.
7 MINUTES left. 7 Mother fucking minutes left. And I’m doin ALL FUCKING SEVEN.
You fucking assholes. Fucking standing backstage for 3 hours to get booed by this GED fuckin stupid-ass piece of shit fuckin crowd. Bunch of fucking losers. I hope your fucking radios fall on your heads tomorrow. Fucking antennas go right in your fucking ears. Fall out of one of those piece of shit buildings. Fuck all of you and fuck the liberty bell, and shove it up Ben Franklin’s ass. What do you think about that? All of you mother fuckers. I hope that bridge collapses onto your pathetic lives. Go fuck yourselves.
6 Minutes left and I will be selling my CD after this shit you mother fuckers [CHEERS] and the only way one you’re getting one is if I throw one at your fuckin stupid heads. Bunch of racist fucking morons.
Look at this. What are you taking a picture of E-Rock? Huh? This is right here is the theme of my set – a broken mic stand.
What’s left, the Phillies that faggot ass team named named after a female horse. Bunch of pussies. You won one fucking world series since 1880. Suck a dick. Bring Tug McGraw back from the dead you fucking jackasses. Maybe you’ll win another one. It aint’ ever happening. It ain’t ever fuckin happen. With your red candy-striped faggot fuckin uniforms. Your team should be selling cotton candy in the fucking instructional league.
You have a soccer team? That’s all I got left. Huh. You got a fuckin ping pong team? Some other shit-assed team that’s never gonna win a championship. You haven’t won a SuperBowl since they had facemasks. You fuckin jackasses. Roman Gabriel running around without a fuckin helmet. Oh suck a dick. Who’s he your dad or something? You don’t know who the fuck he is.
I had to buy a fuckin shirt for this shit. Went to the Banana Republic, picked a 20 dollar shirt off the rack.
This gotta be fucking ridiculous. Getting booed by people sittin in the fucking grass. Goddamn lawn seats. Fun isn’t it. It’s great. I should get fucking paid right now people. I’m getting paid to shit all over you guys and your stupid fucking rock t-shirts of bands that no one gives a fuck about.
4 MINUTES LEFT.
Your fucking Rush T-Shirts that say I beat the shit out of my girlfriends. That felt great. That I really feel great. I wanna thank you guys for having me. You guys were phenomenal [Crowd Cheers] Oh no.. I got 4 minutes left. 4 minutes left To fuckin talk about you CUNTS. That’s not bad 12 minute rant. That’s the first time I said cunt. That’s a fucking record. I’m gonna finish my set by takin this mic stand base like a fuckin disc. I hope I hit a baby in the fuckin head. The one fuckin kid that would actually go to college in this fucking crowd.
What’s that sir? Dave Chappelle. Yes. He’s not here. I wish I was on his fuckin tour right now. Maybe I wouldn’t have a bunch of cunts not fuckin paying attention 4 hours into a goddamn show.
3 FUCKIN MINUTES LEFT.
3 minutes left of this motherfuckin tirade. What’s that? Sir why are you screaming? You’re in the front row, you dumb fuck. God I hope mass aids, full blown, like fuckin you get weak as you walk to your fuckin car and you just pass out and they just find you next to your ’83 Fucking Monte Carlo with gravel imbedded into the fuckin side of your bald ass fuckin head.
[someone offstage interjects]
What about not fucking interrupting me you jackass. Play the fucking records. I’m fucking trying to deal with this bullshit. Jesus Christ the goddamn people on this show are givin me shit. So anyways back to the joke.
So I got a computer recently people.. .
[CROWD GOES NUTS]
2 MINUTES LEFT. The last two minutes is gonna be my rider for the rest of this fucking tour. I got one first. I do 3 minutes. That’s’ it I come out here with a fuckin gun right. That’s what I do. I come out here with a fuckin gun, hollow tip bullets, and I just start fuckin shooting people. OK. Everyone’s chained to their fuckin chairs and just start blowing your fucking brains out. Just one after another. 2 to the back of the head. I just blow all your fuckin brains out. I would really enjoy blowing everbody’s fucking brains out. The next day somebody’s mopping up the 3 pounds of fucking brains that are actually left in this goddamn crowd.
1 MINUTE LEFT IN THE PERIOD. [cheers]
Listen. This doesn’t change anything. I still fuckin hate you people. I hate this fuckin city. I hate the way you eat with your little shitty ass subway. Why don’t you fucking build something for Joe Frazier. You all gonna go see Rocky 19. Dude I think he can win! Alright listen I’m out of time. You guys were here man. Thank you very much. All of you go fuck yourselves in your own assholes. Have a good night.
Original source: https://www.wackbag.com/threads/bill-burr-tirade-a-transcript.51531/