Recorded Live at the Royal Albert Hall, London, England
[cheering and applause]
[female announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Bill Burr!
All right, thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. How are you? Excellent. Thank you for coming out. Very prestigious… arena to listen to my d!ck and sh!t jokes over the next… [chuckles] …90 minutes. No, I’m excited to be here. I am. It’s very, uh…
…exciting to be doing stand-up outside of my own country. Yeah. No, not ’cause of you! [laughter] It’s how it’s become. F*cking US, everything’s so goddamn… Every f*cking joke you tell, “Well, what did you mean about that? I didn’t go to the gym today. Are you calling me fat? I feel f*cking triggered.” [laughter] Gotta f*cking apologize to everybody.
This is how screwed up my country is right now.
You… You know Bryan Cranston, right?
That dude did a movie. He played a quadriplegic… and people gave him sh!t… [laughter] …being like, “Why is there an able-bodied person playing a quadriplegic?” It’s like, “It’s because it’s called acting, you dumb f*ck.” See, if he was a quadriplegic playing a quadriplegic, that’s not acting. That’s just f*cking laying there, saying sh!t that someone else wrote. [laughter] “So tell us, what did you do to prepare for the role?” “Well, I dove head-first into the shallow end of a pool when I was 23. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this role for my whole life.” [laughter] “Right, what is up next for you?” “Oh, well, they’re gonna do a reboot of Top Gun. Uh, I’m gonna fly… [mumbling] And, uh, the copilot’s gonna be transgender. So everybody will be happy. She won’t die. Her discarded d!ck will block her head from the canopy. There’ll be a gender-neutral bathroom on the plane.” [laughter]
How f*cking dumb is that? That’s literally like watching a movie, “Why didn’t you have a murderer play a murderer? And how come the guy he shot, I saw him in another movie?” I mean, what the f*ck is going on? [laughter]
No, I don’t know what it is. I don’t know what it is. I don’t know what the f*ck is going on… but I think white women started it. [laughter]
[cheering and applause]
Oh! It’s the worst. The f*cking worst. That’s all they do, is bitch, moan, and complain. I had no idea how difficult it was to be a white woman in the United States of America. Evidently, it’s really difficult. [chuckles] [laughter] Yeah, they’re always bitching. “Do you have any idea what it’s like to be me?” “Well, I imagine it would be slightly less awesome than my life.” [laughter] [laughs] “What happened to you today, sweetheart, huh? Did they not chill your rose?” You know? “Was the trolley not running down at the mall? What happened?”
No, it’s unreal. I’m really f*cking annoyed how white women have the f*cking balls to throw my white privilege in my face. You know? Start to separate themselves from these “white males, with their white male privilege.” It’s like, “Bitch, you’re sitting in the Jacuzzi with me! The f*ck are you talking about? Yeah! Quit your f*cking whining.”
Look… here’s a little caveat here, so you don’t think I’m a complete as*hole right out of the gate, all right? If you f*cking… If you’re living some Honey Boo Boo lifestyle on the Appalachian Trail, you know, and your uncle just banged you in the dirt, all right, I can listen to you.
No, one of my fantasies is I wanna drive by, like, a woman’s rally and just say the most sexist sh!t I can think of… just to watch them lose their minds. You know, just drive by real slow and be like, “Yeah, why don’t you get back in the kitchen where you belong?” [chuckles] Just to look in the rearview mirror, watching them, “ah,” flipping out in the road. Spinning around like Leatherface at the end of Texas Chain Saw Massacre, like… “Ah! Ah! Ah!”
Yeah. No, it’s a very, uh… I don’t know, times are changing, I guess. I don’t know. Yeah. Michelle Obama‘s doing an arena tour. That’s another thing going on. I’m gonna say that again. Michelle Obama… [laughter] …is doing an arena tour. She’s not playing comedy clubs. She’s doing arenas. When did First Ladies start acting like they got elected? You know? Dude, being a First Lady, that’s not a f*cking job. Just standing there, smiling and waving. Hey? Look how quiet it is in here. Why is it so f*cking quiet? You think that’s a job? It’s not a f*cking job! Dude, if you really think it’s a job, just look at him. Right? Look at Obama. When that guy got elected, he looked like he was about 41 years old. When he left office, that guy looked like he was about 73. Right? Look at Michelle. She looks younger now than she did when that dude got elected. What has she done for the last eight years…
[cheering and applause]
…yeah, other than lay in a giant vat of Illuminati-level lotion? Just sitting there, floating. A couple hours, a shape-shifter comes in and dumps another bucket on her. “Here’s some more… more of this.” She pops her head up: “Hey, Bam-Bam, tell Stevie Wonder to come down and play some songs tonight.” [gurgles] [laughter]
Yeah. I found out she’s doing a tour, ’cause she’s doing a book tour. Yeah, she wrote a book. She wrote a book about not having a job. [laughs] I gotta read that f*cking book! “Chapter One, how to know if a d!ck tastes presidential. [laughter] How to weed your way… [whistles and applause] How to weed your way through all that local representative cock and get to the big swinging d!ck in the room.”
[chuckles] I’ll tell you right now, say what you want about Republican Presidents, but they got their First Ladies in line. [laughter] They do! Dude, George W. was President for eight years. Eight years! I don’t even know his wife’s name! [laughter] What was it, Abigail or some sh!t? Maggie? No clue! Donald Trump’s wife stands behind him like a giant meerkat, like… [laughter] [chuckles] Bill Clinton was President, his wife never shut up. “Ah! I wanna do healthcare! Ah!” He f*cked around on her so much. He was like, “All right, whatever, just do it.” [laughter] [chuckles]
But I’m telling you right now, I’m gonna check out that f*cking tour. I gotta see what that’s all about. You know? Who opens? Who opens on that f*cking tour? Was it Oprah Winfrey’s husband? You know? [laughter] Does he f*cking come out and talk about what it’s like to walk her dogs? “I do it for 20 minutes a day. The cocker spaniel’s probably the most fussiest, and I gotta bring him around.”
Look, I’m sure that there’s some, uh, feminists in the crowd right now not appreciating this joke, feeling triggered, feeling like they need to f*cking put out a hashtag or some sh!t. And be brave and speak out. You know what? You’re full of sh!t. [laughter] You are. [cheering and applause] All… All those feminists are full of sh!t. ‘Cause I’m gonna tell you right now, someday… someday, there’s gonna be, there’s gonna be the first woman President. All right?
You don’t even know what her f*cking platform is, and you automatically cheer. [laughter] “Ooh, ooh, it’s got the same genitalia! Ooh!” F*cking… I’m telling you. They’re not smart people. Feminists, they’re not as smart as they’re coming off, I’m telling you.
Someday… there’s gonna be… This is going to be my last show ever by the time this f*cking thing comes out. Someday, there’s gonna be the first female President, which means there’s gonna be the first male First Lady. Right? And you wait. You f*cking wait! The first time that dude opens his mouth about some political sh!t, you watch all these feminists. They’re all gonna be, “You shut the f*ck up! You shut the f*ck up! It is her time now. It is her time. She was elected, not you! Go pick out some plates, bitch! You are the First Lady.” [chuckles]
He’s gonna get treated like Tom Arnold when he was with Roseanne. [laughter] Secret Service name will be, like, “Appendix” or “Doesn’t Matter.” “‘Not Worthy of Protecting’ just entered the Oval Office. ‘Not Worthy of Protecting’.”
So, anyways… There’s been, uh… The #MeToo movement has happened since the last time I was here. Yeah, no, it had to happen, Jesus Christ, but, you know, I think it’s dying down. You know? I don’t know, I think they got everybody. [laughter] Right? [chuckles] Just judging by the stories, I feel like they kind of got everybody. ‘Cause the first stories that came out, they were f*cking unbelievable. It was just guys taking their d!cks out at work, like, “Look at it! Look at it! Ah! Ah! Ah!” F*cking blocking doors and jizzing on plants. You’re f*cking at home watching, “Jesus Christ, people did this sh!t?”
I remember this one poor woman said she was a PA, went into some director’s trailer, and he came… allegedly, came running out, masturbating vigorously while holding a shrimp cocktail. [laughter] [chuckles] I swear to God! I know that’s f*cked up, but I gotta tell you something. It’s a little bit funny that she felt the need to use the adjective “vigorously” after she said he was masturbating. “He was masturbating vigorously.” I’m thinking in my head, “Like, as opposed to what?” [laughter] As far as I know, there is only one successful way to perform that act, and that would be vigorously. Is there another way to do it? Can you do it passively? You know? Is that how Sting does it? Is that how he’s able to f*ck for hours and hours? Fans a little air on it. He puts on “Fields Of Gold.” Just lets that thing rise up. Just… Just letting it marinate, right? [chuckles]
Yeah, so the stories were big in the beginning. Like, “Oh, my God, what a bunch of f*cking animals.” And then they just started tapering… tapering off. And about, I don’t know, six months in, they just sounded like bad dates. It was like, “He was… He was ten minutes late. The chicken was cold. I think I was raped. Career over!” [laughter] “What about my side of the story?” “F*ck your side of the story! You have a d!ck and balls. We don’t wanna hear it!”
Yeah. It’s really weird how the whole thing… It went from, like, nobody listening… men not listening to women at all, to just this total over-correction that anything they f*cking said means it happens, you know? They got these hashtags like, you know, “Believe women.” “Believe women,” right? That’s a little open-ended, huh? Just straight across the f*cking board, all of them? Every last f*cking one of them? What about the psychos? What about the ones that key your car and light your sh!t on fire ’cause you didn’t f*cking answer a text? What about them? Huh? How about you believe, like, 88%, and that last 12% that’s out of their f*cking minds… You know, I think that’s a fair percentage, wouldn’t you? No? Are you too afraid? To not believe?
I know, that’s the world we’re f*cking living in right now. No, everything has just become f*cking absolutes. In… In… In the States, it’s f*cking nuts. Like that Colin Kaepernick guy, right? You knew when he was, like, protesting during the national anthem, no one was gonna listen to what the f*ck he had to say. No matter how much he explained it. He goes, “I’m taking a knee during the national anthem. This is a protest about police brutality, the way people of color are treated. We’d like to open a dialogue.” He got halfway through, then people were like, “My brother’s fighting in Iraq, you f*cking piece of sh!t!” It’s just like, “Buddy, buddy… nobody is saying your brother isn’t in Iraq fighting. You’re not listening. This is about police brutality–” “My brother’s a firefighter. He watched 9/11 on television!” “No, no, no, buddy, nobody’s saying that your brother’s not a firefighter.” “I have a bone spur in my heel! I can still stand up during the f*cking song!” “Buddy, nobody is saying you can’t see a f*cking podiatrist. All right? You’re not listening.”
That’s what it became. It went from not listening to women to just “believe women”, right? And then people were just like, “Did you see that story? Did you read the story? You can’t make something like that up.” I literally wanna be like, “Well, did you see Star Wars?” [laughter] I mean, somebody made that up. They made, like, f*cking 15 of them, you know? People can make sh!t up, right? “You’re part of the f*cking problem! Get the f*ck out…” You know? [chuckles]
“No means no,” that’s another one. “No means no.” It’s like, no, it doesn’t. All right? [laughter] Look, “No!” means no. “No!” That means no, all right? [in flirty voice] But, “No, stop it, what are you doing? Oh, my God, you’re being so bad. Stop it! No!” Yeah, that’s not a f*cking no! That means, “I wanna do it, but I’m afraid you’re gonna judge me, so I’m just gonna make it look like it was your idea so you don’t figure out that I’ve already performed this act with 40 other f*cking people.” Right? [laughter]
But then… then you go to court and you get a bad reading. Some guy’s reading it. [in serious voice] “Ah, Your Honor, she said, ‘No, stop it. What are you doing? You’re being so bad.'” [laughter] Yeah! And you’re just sitting there like, “She didn’t f*cking say it like that! She didn’t say it like that!”
Yeah. So now everybody’s just, like, scared sh!tless. You know? ‘Cause I guess if women ran the world, there’d be no war. Evidently, there would be no due process either. So you’ve just gotta sit there, going, “Ah? Ah? Huh?” [laughs]
No, it’s f*cking nuts. People are so scared now. You now have the male feminist. Like, where the f*ck did that come from? Just out of nowhere, last couple years. “I’m a male feminist. I’ve always championed women–” No, you haven’t. You haven’t! This sh!t came out and you’re f*cking scared. You did something. You grabbed some f*cking titties. What the f*ck did you do that you have to over-correct that f*cking hard? What kind of a man who still has his balls is walking around saying that he’s a male feminist? “Oh, I’m a male feminist. I totally see the way you see the f*cking world.” It’s… It’s impossible… as a man who was raised right… [laughs] [laughter and applause] …to be a feminist. You can’t do it. You’re a man. Look, you can agree with it, you can empathize, sympathy, you can do all of that sh!t, but you can’t be it any more than I can stand there and just be like, “I’m a Black Panther. Fight the power!” And then I walk out the door, a blue-eyed white dude, and I get to live that f*cking life, right?
I don’t know. I don’t know, ladies. I don’t buy it. Maybe you do, I don’t. Anytime I hear a guy say, “I’m a male feminist,” I always just think, “That is the most pathetic, limp-d!ck way ever to try and get some pussy.” Right? Like, that’s literally… that is literally the f*cking game you had when you were on a first date when you were 16, you were all nervous and your whole game plan was, “Just agree with her. Maybe she’ll touch it.” [laughter] [chuckles] “So, what are your favorite bands?” “I like whatever you like! Will you touch it now? Did I do it right? Uh…”
Yeah, it’s a weird time right now. I’m glad that I’m f*cking married now. I don’t gotta f*cking deal with any of that sh!t. You know? For younger guys, how do you deal with it? You know what was really f*cked up in all of this, though? What about women who like it rough? Right? That doesn’t happen here in the jolly old England? Huh? [laughter] Not at all! Everybody gets all dead silent. Big f*cking elephant in the f*cking room.
Right? Yeah. -[man] Ask for consent! How the f*ck do you… What’s that?
[man] Ask for consent!
“Ask for consent”? Doesn’t that take the mood… Well, Jesus, that kind of took it in a weird way. [laughter] [chuckles] Dude, whatever the f*ck I was saying, however you heard it, that’s not what the f*ck I’m saying. All right? [laughter] “You know, I’ve really listened to this Me Too movement. I think for the first time in my life, I’m gonna ask for consent! I’m really gonna do it this time. I’ve been feeling…”
This is why you can’t judge comedians. Do you understand? Do you understand what the f*ck I was saying and how this f*cking jackass just heard it? You know? The second…
Yeah! The second it comes out of my mouth, it’s not what I said anymore. Goes into your f*cking ear hole and gets cut with your whole f*cking childhood. “Oh, this is what he means! Da, da, da, da, da, da, da…” [laughter] Sir, if I could get along with my point, if you wouldn’t mind that. [laughter]
No, like, f*cking women who like it rough, like, that’s gotta be so f*cking weird. [chuckles] I remember when I was a single man a long time ago. A lot of hair ago, right? Still wasn’t a good look, but I was single. I was out there, taking some at bats. I remember that sh!t. You’d meet a woman, and when it started going down that road, like you knew you were gonna hook up, you’d try to get a jump on it, right? You’d try to figure out what they liked in the bedroom because you wanted to satisfy them. There’s nothing worse than if you don’t satisfy them, and you know they’re gonna tell all their friends, and then you gotta f*cking move, and now there’s social media and you got a f*cking nickname… It’s a nightmare. So, you just try to, you know… You try to do a little f*cking intelligence. You’ll be there, hanging out, just being like, “Yeah, so, uh, what are you into? What do you, uh… What do you like to do?” Right? One night, I asked a woman that, she set her drink down, she looked me right in the eye, she’s like, “I like to get f*cked.” [chuckles] And I knew what she meant! “All right, this is gonna be one of these. Okay, here we go. Just trying to… [laughter] We’re gonna have to go hard on this one.” Right? We had a great f*cking time.
I don’t know how I would… Today, I would just be like, “All right, I know what you wanna do, but, like, you’re gonna have to do it. You understand? Like, I’m just gonna stand here, and then you just back into me however hard you want. You control how hard you’re backing into me. Then I’m gonna lay my hand on your shoulder. You can put your ponytail in it. I will slowly close my hand around it. And if at any point you want to yank your head like that, that’s on you. My other hand will be just to the right of your right ass cheek, and if you wanna do one of those, that’s fine. But I am not doing anything. I’m just gonna stand here like a giant f*ck stick, and you just have at it, you just have at it.”
Yeah. You know what’s hilarious about sexual assault? [laughter] [chuckles] You know what’s hilarious about it? Is how women are acting like that is a uniquely female experience. You know what’s funny? I actually, to the letter of the f*cking law, within the last two and a half years, got sexually assaulted in this business by a woman. Yeah! And this is my story! [laughter] [chuckles] I feel like I can live my truth and be brave tonight and share this with you. It’s a 100% true f*cking story.
I was doing stand-up, I was doing a private gig. All right? Private gigs are the f*cking worst. You do a public gig, anybody can show up. It broadens what you can talk about, right? You do a private gig, it’s like everybody grew up on the same f*cking street, so all your jokes gotta go right down f*cking mainstream or you’re bombing. So all you do is listen to the first comic to hear what’s working and what isn’t. You’re just listening as he’s up there struggling, going, “Okay, they like bread. Talk about bread. Get all the bread you can. Don’t make fun of the troops. Stay away from the troops!” Right? So that’s what we’re doing, right? And the host gets them going, then he brings up the first act. Okay, she goes on stage. She’s not really a comedian, more of a personality. She does her bullsh!t or whatever, and I’m standing there, looking at my jokes, figuring out what I’m doing. She wraps it up. He goes on stage. She goes to get off. I’m thinking, “Okay, I’m next.” I’m looking at my stuff, and she just walks right by me and just f*cking… poof! Just flicked me right on the head of my d!ck and kept walking! [laughter] Like it was nothing. Just f*cking… pow! And just kept… I couldn’t f*cking believe it. I know what you’re thinking. “Oh, was this a friend of yours? Was she flirting with you? Was this a joke?” None of the above. You know what it was? I swear to God, it was like a bully vibe. Like she was trying to get in my head. “There you go, you little red d!ck. Poof! Follow that!” And she just kept walking. Dude, my first thought as I saw her walking away, I just wanted to punch her in the back of the head as hard as humanly possible. Like, literally make her leave her shoes. You know? [laughter] But the other side of my brain’s like, “No, dude, you can’t do that. You can’t do that. It’s a woman. And it’s just spitball. Well, f*cking boot her in the ass! Boot her in the ass! Can’t hit her, dude. Can’t hit her. It’s a woman. Well, f*cking tell somebody! Tell somebody!” And all I’m thinking is, like, “Dude, I’m a guy.” Can’t f*cking tell anybody. Nobody gives a sh!t what happens to a guy. I’m gonna walk up to another man and be like, “Excuse me, sir, but she just flicked me in my pee-pee, and I didn’t like that one bit. No, sir! I didn’t like that at all. No, I didn’t!” All the guys are gonna be like, “Dude, if she did that to me, I would’ve taken my balls out, too. F*cking flick both of these. F*cking sports bar, up top, Super Bowl, hey!” Right? That’s all I would’ve got, right?
So now I’m standing there, I’m waiting to go on stage, the dude’s doing my intro, I’m trying to think about jokes about bread, and the tip of my d!ck is still stinging. This is the world I’m in. And right as he’s gonna bring me on, all of a sudden, she came out, ’cause she was going back out to her f*cking car, and that’s when my brain started firing up again with some ideas. Started thinking sh!t that I had never thought before in my life. Going like, “Dude, there she is. There she is. Flick her in the box. [laughter] Do it, man. Equal rights. She did it to you, you do it back to her!” It started making sense. “Yeah, f*ck that! Flick my d!ck, I’m gonna flick your clit! That’s right! I’ll f*cking hit the man in the boat. Drop down, uppercut to the bush. F*ck this sh!t! Think I’m the kind of person you just can flick my d!ck and walk away like it ain’t sh!t?” Right? And it was making sense till right when she got there, finally, I just started thinking of all the sporting events I had watched, and I realized that the referee only sees the retaliation. He never sees the first aggression, and then you have to go to the… yellow card, whatever the f*ck you people do over here, right? You go to the penalty box!
So I let her go, and I went out on stage. I did my sh!t. But here was the thing. For the next three f*cking days, I’m driving round LA, and I’m just losing my f*cking mind. You know? I’m f*cking screaming at the windshield, saying all this sh!t that I wanted to say but didn’t say it in the moment. You know? It wasn’t because… This is the thing. It wasn’t because she touched me. You know what I mean? I don’t give a f*ck about that, all right? You know, when I was a kid, I had a paper route and I was an altar boy. You know? [laughter] Yeah. You’re gonna have to do a little bit better… than flick my d!ck over my jeans and my underwear. It’s like, “Are we gonna do this or what? Like, what is happening here?” It’s the fact that she thought she could bully me. So after f*cking three days of this sh!t, I had a splitting headache, and I started realizing, “Wait a minute. She’s winning this thing.” You know? “Here I am, still thinking about this sh!t. She’s probably gone on to flick 30 to 40 d!cks since she’s been with me. All right, she doesn’t give a f*ck about me.” So, you know what I did? I drove to my house, there was nobody home, I went upstairs, I closed the door, and I just sat down and I meditated on it, and I just forgave her. I did.
I just pictured her as a little five-year-old girl crying because her alcoholic dad, you know, wouldn’t hug her or something. And she’s just standing there crying, like, “But, Daddy, I love you!” He’s like, “Get away from me! I never wanted children!” And then he walked through a screen door and he, like, face-planted into this above-ground pool. And he had a tool belt on, and it just sort of pulled him under. And she ran out, she grabbed his foot, and she was pulling and pulling, and his boot came off, and she sat down, and she just watched him slowly drown. [laughter] I don’t know what happened after that. I just felt, like, this weight lift off of my chest. [chuckles] So, there you go. All you tough guys over here in England, don’t be afraid to meditate, man. I’m telling you. You can let a lot of stuff go.
I don’t know.
[man] Whoo! [whistles]
Do you know… I’m all right with silence. You don’t have to feel like you have to do anything f*cking extra. Just relax. If it’s funny, f*cking laugh. If it isn’t, just f*cking sit there, and I’ll know it’s time to move on. [laughter]
Uh… So, anyways, I’m a married man with a kid. Happily married man. Yes, I am.
I… Yeah, I love my wife to death. I love everything about being f*cking married, but I’ll tell you this right now, we do fight a lot. We do argue all the time. If I’ve learned anything in five years of being married, it is we’re always working on me. You know? [chuckles] Evidently, my wife is this completed work under museum glass that is to be admired and studied, like, “Hmm, how did she do that?” And I’m like one of these… You know those buildings that just has scaffolding around it for, like, six straight years, and you’re like, “Are they ever gonna finish that thing? Is that some sort of insurance job? Jesus Christ, what a piece of sh!t! They should just tear it down and start over again.”
Yeah. I have a temper, so that’s the thing. That’s what kind of ruins things. Everything else I do is fine, but I have a f*cking temper and it just ruins sh!t, and then my wife always says the same thing. She’s always just like, “I just don’t understand. Where did that come from? Where is that coming from? You just go from zero to 100 in two seconds.” It’s like, first of all, I idle at 75 miles an hour, all right? So don’t give me this zero to 100. I walked into this restaurant 75. I could hear that guy talking too loud on his cell phone from the f*cking parking lot! [laughter] [chuckles]
Yeah. I f*cking tried all of this sh!t… Whenever she says that to me, though, I swear to God. “I just don’t understand. Where is this coming from?” It actually hurts my feelings when she says that. You know? ‘Cause it makes me feel like she’s not listening to me. It’s like, “Honey, how many childhood stories do I have to tell you before you follow the breadcrumbs to the absolute lunatic that you married?” [laughter] Didn’t she ever take a psychology class? I’m not that complex!
Like, I’ll tell you guys a quick… I’ll tell you a quick childhood story. I’ll tell you one of the funnier ones. One time, when I was, like, six, my older brother was eight, we were in the back seat of my dad’s car, and we were, like, laughing and excited ’cause it was around Christmas. Right? And my dad just had this thing. He just didn’t like joy, you know? [laughter] So he’s sitting there driving, going like, “Jesus Christ, knock it off back there! Christ, you’re giggling like a couple of little schoolgirls! Christ, you don’t straighten up, I’m gonna buy you a doll for Christmas!” And then he did. [chuckles] I swear to God. He made us hold them up. My mother’s taking pictures in front of the Christmas tree. I’m just standing there, like, “Wah! Wah!” Afterwards, I ran upstairs to my top bunk. My dad knew he’d f*cked up. To his credit, he came up, he tried to smooth it over. He’s like, “All right, come on back down. It’s over. Come on down and enjoy the holiday.” And I’m like, “No, I don’t want any gifts, I f*cking hate you! Ah!” Right? He eventually coaxed me down, you know? He just… He softened up a little bit. “Look, you don’t get your f*cking ass back downstairs, no one else can open their gifts. Now move it out! I said move it out!” I go back downstairs all shell-shocked. “Here’s another gift for you, Billy.” I’m like, “Is this a f*cking dollhouse? When does it end?” Yeah. That was Christmas, and those were people that loved me. [laughter] “I just don’t understand. Where is this coming from? I just don’t understand.”
So, I gotta do it, though. I gotta work on the temper. I’m gonna do it. You know, I got the kid now, and I just don’t want… I don’t wanna pass it on to her, you know? I have, like, a demon in my family tree. Like, this f*cking rage, it’s just… You know? Just keeps following us, and now I got it. I have it so bad, like, literally, my daughter, she’s a little over two years old, she’s yet to meet me yet. You know? Like, the real me. She’s seen glimpses of me. Like, “Hey, how are you?” [chuckles] She’s seen glimpses of the anger, but I’m able to smooth it over quickly. Like, “Whoa, Daddy almost snapped his phone in half!” [laughter] But I see it in her face. I can see the way she looks at me. She’s starting to put it together, like, “This dude’s a little f*cked up, man. He’s a little f*cked up.”
I cannot tell you how heartbreaking that is to see from a toddler… much less your own daughter. I’m like, “I gotta end this thing, man.” This rage, it has to end with me. I can’t have an angry kid just walking around, f*cking kicking toys, “F*cking bullsh!t!” and just being, like, a lunatic. I want to be like that priest in The Exorcist when the devil got in him, and he just f*cking leaps out the window and dies.
You know? So I have been f*cking trying everything. You know? I tried, you know… I don’t know, I tried… meditating, wearing sweaters. I did that for a while. Like, if I dressed like a regular guy, I’d be one. I drew a smiley face on a Post-it and stuck it on my dashboard, like that was gonna help with my road rage. You know, driving down the street like, “You mother… Oh, yeah, I guess I’ve done that too! Thank you, smiley face.” [laughter]
I remember one night I actually considered taking a bath. ‘Cause I was gonna call my wife, I was on the road, and I was like, “I don’t want to have a fight with her. I need to relax. What the f*ck can I do?” And I thought about it. Women take baths, right? They do. It’s a very feminine thing. They have a bad week. “I just wanna decompress,” and they just have a soak, and then they’re just fine. Next thing you know, they’re drinking wine, calling friends. “I’m so glad you’re in my life… and I feel I can get back out there again.” Right? So I’m literally alone, I start drawing a bath, and the water came all the way up. And at the end of the day, I couldn’t f*cking do it! [chuckles] There’s just no way as a man to take a bath and not think about killing yourself. You know? There’s just something about slipping into that coffin-shaped thing. It’s like, “Am I gonna slit my wrists? Am I testifying against the Mob? What the f*ck am I doing here?” I’m a man! I don’t take a bath, you take a shower. Hose it off, block out your feelings, keep walking till you drop of a heart attack. Literally, as you’re going down, “Are you okay?” “I’m fine! I’m fine!” [laughter]
Can’t take a bath. Sitting there playing with a rubber ducky, sticking my toe in the faucet. Right? Not allowed. Not allowed to be that happy, so… I don’t know what I’m gonna do. I think I’m gonna go back to therapy. Do that f*cking bullsh!t again. Fast-forward through all these stories I’ve told a million times. I gotta do it, though. And I’m gonna do it for my kid and do it for my wife, and, selfishly, do it for me… because…
-I’m gonna tell you why. You’re not gonna like the results, miss. [laughter] This is why I’m gonna do it. If I actually don’t have a temper, like, I just think to myself, “What could my wife complain…” Like, “What could my wife bitch at me about?” Right? I f*cking crush everything. I do. I take out the trash, okay? The gate was squeaky the other day. I f*cking made sure that was done, you know? I pick up after myself. I like to think I’m a good dad. I work my ass off. I make a great f*cking living. Crush all of that. All she has on me is who I am as a person. [laughter] That’s it!
[cheering and applause]
Yeah, if I could just not be who I was when she met me… I think I’d have a shot, you know?
So, we figured out the number one thing we fight about is television, you know? I watch sports. She watches those Real Housewives. You know, it just doesn’t work out. You know, I… You guys have The Real Housewives out here? You do? Yeah. Yeah. It’s just… I imagine it’s just the most depressing f*cking thing ever, isn’t it? Those women, they just look so f*cking exhausted, you know what I mean? Just with the war paint and the circle tits, just trying to f*cking tuck it in and f*cking… Like an athlete at the end of their career, just trying to limp on to the field one more time. They’re not as fast as they used to be. It reminds you of your own mortality. It’s just like, “Ladies, just f*cking sit down. Put on something flowing. I’ll put on a sport coat. We’ll be in bed by 8:30,” right? “We’re f*cking old,” you know?
So, we realized that, uh, I don’t know, we always fight about the television, so I’m like, “What about documentaries? Why don’t we just tape something we both like?” We both love documentaries. They’re fun, right? You watch them. You learn something. You repeat it at a party. People think you read! [laughter] So I tape… You know, first one I tape is on Elvis Presley. Right? Now, I love Elvis. Okay? He fascinates me. He’s, like, the first rock star with the power of television. They just intersected, and he ascended to this level of fame that no one had ever been to before. Hence, he made all the mistakes ’cause there was no one there to help him out. Right? He got a piece-of-sh!t manager that stole from him. Bam! He stopped making music, started making sh!tty movies. He’s not a good actor, right? Does that. Married a minor, started doing drugs, got fat, got an entourage, got even fatter, started wearing onesies, doing karate kicks, splitting his f*cking pants. Nobody’s saying sh!t. “You look good, King!” “You like that? You like when my royal balls hang out?” “We love it, King. Keep f*cking going!” Starts doing pills, gets addicted, he f*cking dies alone on a toilet. All right? This man kicked open all of those f*cking doors for the rest of us. All right?
So I sit down, and I’m watching this documentary as a white dude. Which is what I am. I’m looking out my white head, watching this white sh!t, it’s coming back into my white eyes, getting whiter by the f*cking second. All right? Now, my wife, on the other hand, she’s black, right? Now, I hate saying that, ’cause it makes it seem like I’m gonna start doing some stupid comparison jokes. You know, those dumb white guy, black guy jokes. It’s always like the white guy is like, “Oh, Jesus, I gotta do my taxes. Can this chair hold me?” The black guy is always like, “You need to loosen up, you gotta relax, man. You just gotta let it happen.” Right? [chuckles] It’s always the same stupid f*cking joke. I hate those jokes, you know, ’cause they’re easy, and it’s been my experience that it’s just not true, you know? Fifteen years of being with her, there’s really no difference, you know? Because at the end of the day, it’s a woman. [laughter] All right? It’s gonna be the same fights. I don’t give a f*ck who you’re with. I’m not gonna lie to you, there might be more head movement and hand gestures with different races of women… possibly an index finger jabbing at your forehead, whatever the f*ck that is. But at the end of the day, it’s the same fights. “What’s going on with us? Do you need to work on this? Why don’t we communicate better?” Right?
So she starts watching this sh!t as a black person, right? And she’s seeing all the racism, obviously, that I’m seeing, but she was catching all this subtle sh!t that I was too white to see but I knew I was missing it ’cause I just kept hearing her huffing and puffing. Just sitting next to me, being like… [huffing] And I’m just sitting there like, “Okay, somebody did something! [laughter] I don’t know what just happened, but I don’t think that was good!”
So right when I didn’t think it could get any worse, it couldn’t get any more uncomfortable between the two of us, this f*cking white dude comes on who, evidently, discovered Elvis. And he’s, like, a hundred and f*cking 90 years old. And he comes out, starts talking. He’s just like, “Well, basically, I was looking for a white boy that could take the down-and-dirty, nasty blues and combine it with the pristine, angelic sounds of bluegrass.” Yeah, that’s what he was doing. He was subtly putting black sh!t down here while he was propping up the white sh!t. You know? “The down-and-dirty, daddy-not-sticking-around, drug-infested neighborhood blues, with the Jesus-as-white-as-me, hair-the-color-of-the-sun, angelic, bluegrass-playing music,” right?
So, at this point, my wife has, like, f*cking steam coming out of her ears, so I make a judgment call. I just f*cking shut it off. Right? And she looks at me. She’s like, “Why did you shut that off? Why did you shut it off?” I was like, “Because you’re about three minutes away from yelling at me like I produced this music. [laughter] All right? Let’s just forget it. We’ll watch something else.” She’s like, “No, why can’t we just watch the rest of this and then discuss it afterwards?” It’s like, “I don’t want to f*cking do that. I just wanna watch a documentary! I don’t want to have a f*cking lecture… because of these f*cking as*holes. I didn’t do anything! I’m just sitting here watching TV! Not to mention, we’re just gonna get into an argument.” She’s like, “Why would we get into an argument?” I’m like, “Ugh. All right, you know what? Because not for nothing, there was some black people in there saying some sh!t that I didn’t agree with. I’m not huffing and puffing.” Yeah… I said that. [laughter] Like a f*cking idiot! And she just looks at me. She’s like, “Like what black people? Like what black people that said what?” And at that point, it’s like you started the luge, right? You can’t get off the f*cking sled. Now you gotta have the argument. Like, “Oh, f*ck, here we go, guess we’re having this.” And I’m like, “All right. All right, the black guy brought up leg shaking, saying, ‘Elvis took leg shaking from us.’ It’s like, really? Leg shaking? Nobody thought to f*cking do this? Black people came up with that? You’re telling me that? I’ll even give you that! Let’s say you came up with that, but where did that black dude learn how to do it? Didn’t he watch some older black guy do it? But what? ‘Cause he’s the same color, he’s not stealing. He’s just carrying on the tradition. But if Elvis does it, ‘Oh, what the f*ck?’ Now he’s the biggest thief ever? That doesn’t make any sense to me.” She goes, “No, you idiot, it’s not about the leg shaking, okay? He appropriated a culture. He took all the music, he got all the money, got all the fame, he’s called the King of it now, and he never gave a sh!t, not even a shout-out.” And I was like, “All right. [laughter] Fair enough. Made about seven or eight good points there that I can’t refute. [laughter] He appropriated a culture. I get it. You’re right.” She goes, “Fine, thank you.” And I go, “However… [laughter] Not for nothing, do I get mad at you when you get on a skateboard and you start going down the f*cking street? Do I get all offended, like, ‘Hey, man, that’s some white sh!t! Stop appropriating my culture, man. Some dirty white kid in Santa Monica came up with that, man.'”
So she starts laughing, and I should’ve stopped there, but I’m a comedian, right? I’m like, “Ooh, I’m getting a laugh. There’s gotta be a bigger laugh, so keep going, Bill. Let’s come with another example.” So I’m like, “Yeah, do I get mad at you when you fly from LA to New York in under six hours?” And she just, yeah… [chuckles] Yeah. And she just stares at me. She’s just like, “That was f*cked up.” [laughter] I was like, “Yeah. Yeah, I know. It sounded good in my f*cking head and then it came out. I just… I was just going for the laugh.” And then she wouldn’t let up. She’s like, “Why is it f*cked up? Why is it f*cked up?” So now I’m back in the classroom, and I’m like, “Because… if, historically speaking, black people enjoyed the same amount of freedom and privilege, they would have had the money and the time to figure out how to fly, too.” And she goes, “That’s right.” And I go, “However… [laughter] …your music would’ve suffered.” [laughter and applause] Yeah! “You can’t have my level of freedom and privilege walking around with that cul-de-sac, ‘It really is gonna be okay!’ and come up with that painful, beautiful music. You can’t do that. Next thing you know, you’re clapping on the f*cking downbeat, you’re playing a washboard, right? James Brown is line dancing. All goes out the window, so you gotta make a choice! Either you learn how to fly and your music sucks…” [laughter] [chuckles]
Oh, I just noticed this thing came off. We can’t have this. There’s gotta be continuity between the f*cking shows here. Oh, Jesus Christ! This thing never comes off. It’s right when you tape a f*cking special, then everything just falls apart. Royal Albert Hall, huh? Where did you buy this mic stand, huh? Where the f*ck did you get this?
[cheering and applause]
You know the mic stand guy’s all f*cking pissed off. “Right, that’s a jolly good f*cking mic stand. F*cking Yank! F*cking Yank… Everything f*cking falls off on him. [laughter] How dare you! The Queen comes down here and sits in a box and watches the show!”
You know what I heard about you guys? [laughter] Actually, by the way, I’ve been over here for a week, and as an American, I gotta say something. You guys are pretty fat, too. [laughter] [chuckles]
[cheering and applause]
Yeah. Specifically the men. I don’t know what’s going on with the men, but I don’t give a f*ck how fat you get, you’re gonna pour yourself into your skinny jeans. They still got them. It’s like you’re squeezing all the fat to the top like toothpaste. “Right, still wearing me same jeans from primary school!” [laughter] [chuckles]
Um… I don’t know, but anyways… You know what I’m afraid of? Robots. Yeah. I saw one get interviewed on 60 Minutes. The top journalistic program in the United States. And he’s just sitting there getting interviewed, not nervous at all, just rattling off all the f*cking answers. You know? Not smoking, not f*cking, you know, leaking oil, whatever you would do as a nervous robot, right? And the reporter’s asking him questions, and in the end, he goes, “So, tell us…” He’s like, uh… He’s like, “What are your goals?” And I am alone in a hotel room, and I literally lean towards the TV. I’m like, “Do these f*cking things have goals?” [laughter] And the f*cking robot just answers. He just goes… uh… He goes, “What are your goals?” And the robot goes, “To become smarter than human beings.” Yeah! And the reporter just blows by it. He’s like, “Okay, and what’s your favorite color?” [laughter] Meanwhile, I’m standing on my bed, yelling at the TV, like, “Dude, unplug that f*cking thing! Take the batteries out! Pull the wire… Pull the wires out! Do something! How many sci-fi movies do you have to see before you realize where this is going?”
So, anyways, every smart person, every super-smart person in the world is saying these f*cking things are gonna kill us. Even your boy here, he recently died. What was his name? He was always sitting down.
[laughter] Hawking, Stephen Hawking, yeah! Too good to f*cking stand up and make his point, just sitting down, all f*cking smarmy. [chuckles] “Oh, I care so much, I poured ice on myself! Um… And I showed off my abs at the same time for the Gram!”
No, I’m just f*cking with you. I am so glad that guy’s f*cking dead, though. You know? [laughter] Look at you guys. How much longer did you want him to suffer? You don’t believe in an afterlife? Maybe he’s up there now, his f*cking legs work, he’s getting an angelic blow job. How much longer did you want him to f*cking sit there so you could feel better about yourself? “Well, at least I’m not all f*cking twisted up, saying smart sh!t,” right? I couldn’t f*cking stand that guy. He was so f*cking negative! He never had anything positive to say. “Hey, Steve, what have you got for us today?” “In 2035, there will be no more apples.” “Thank you, Steve! Thanks a lot. Wasn’t thinking about that, now I am. Hey, so what’s the solution?” “It’s too late. We needed to try 40 years ago.” “Thanks a lot, buddy. I’m gonna go cry with my child now.” Dude, I could hang out with that guy for about three minutes before I took the brake off his chair and just zoomed him into the other room. [laughter] “Hey, Steve, come back here when you got something dumb and positive to say.”
Yeah. Well, listen, I agreed with all of these super-smart people thinking that these f*cking robots were gonna kill us. Right? I agreed with all of that sh!t until, a couple of years ago, I was in New York, and I was looking through a newspaper, right? And I have a whole new f*cking theory. But in order for me to tell you my theory, I have to quickly take you back to the deep, dark, sordid history of the blow-up doll. All right? I know there’s a lot of millennials here, young people. You probably don’t even know what one of these is, all right? With your f*cking… I don’t know what you guys do, your virtual reality glasses, you know, f*cking free porn flying by. You’re grabbing titties, whatever. Whatever it is you do. Right? [laughter] Back in the day, this was the deal. If you were a person and you wanted to have sex with somebody else, but, like, nobody else wanted to have sex with you… and, you know, you weren’t strong enough to hold anybody down, I mean… [laughter] You had to go… You had to… That’s how it was! You had to go out, and you had to get a blow-up doll. And you had to f*cking go out and get it. You had to f*cking go out and get it. All right? You couldn’t just order it off of an Amazon and some delivery guy shows up. He doesn’t know what’s in the box. You’re standing there like Tom Hanks, “Hey, how you doing? Great to see you!” [chuckles] “I’m gonna f*ck that, and you have no idea what it is!” [laughter] No. Dude, you had to go down, and you had to f*cking get this thing. You had to find a porno store. You had to work it out that it was far enough away from your house that no one’s gonna recognize your car. You drive down at, like, 11 in the morning. Who the f*ck is gonna be there then, right? You park in the back on, like, a Tuesday, just sitting there in the car, psyching yourself up. [exhaling] “Okay, I’m not hurting anybody. It’s just an urge. Just get in there, okay? Hand him the money, just get in there and get it done!” You yank your hat down. You f*cking walk in with all your courage. Then you get in there, there’d be too many other perverts in there, and you get all psyched out. So what you do is you just grab a bunch of videotapes, and you walked up to the counter. And you had to make it look like it was an impulse buy, right? And you’re walking up, and everything, all the creepy sh!t, was behind the counter, right? Just f*cking heads and feet, just an ass, body parts. Serial killer buffet. “What f*cking world am I entering? Oh, my God, somebody’s f*cking a neck? Jesus Christ!” Right? And you set it down. Just make it look real subtle. “Okay, buddy, is that gonna be all?” “Uh, yeah, no, maybe that thing down the end with the surprised look on its face. Maybe I’d like to take a shot at that. I don’t know.”
The guy wraps it up, you finally get it. You give him the money. You f*cking run out to the car. You have this whole weird emotion. You’re, like, excited and you hate yourself. “Thank God, I finally did it! What the f*ck is wrong with me?” And just drive off. You go back to your little sh!tty f*cking apartment, and you had to blow it up quietly so none of your neighbors heard. Just like… [blowing] Then you got excited, started going a little faster. And just watching this thing slowly coming to life, just like… [laughter] [applause] Right? And then you’d wrap those rubber legs around you. [screams] And God forbid you got caught. Your roommate comes walking in, “He’s f*cking a blow-up doll!” Dude, your life was over! You had, like, six minutes to get your mom on the phone. “Mom, I love you, and you’re never gonna see me again! Don’t believe what people said about me! I’m so sorry! I’m going to Alaska! Oh, God, God!” Click. That was it. You moved to Alaska. No one ever saw you again. And that’s why, to this day, if you go to Alaska, there’s, like, eight men for every two women. Yeah, ’cause that state is littered with men who got caught f*cking sh!t they shouldn’t have been f*cking. [laughter]
So, now, fast-forward to about 2016, I’m in New York City, right? And I’m looking through the newspaper, whatever, and I come across an article, and it’s on this robot that, for $10,000, you buy this thing, you can have sex with it. Right? Now, notice, five minutes ago, I brought up a blow-up doll. Didn’t even have a joke, just said “blow-up doll” and you all laughed. Ha ha ha ha. A blow-up doll. “Who would do such a stupid thing?” Right? “That’s weird.” Five minutes later, I say, “A robot that you can have sex with,” dead silence in here. [laughter] As if, collectively, you were all just like, “Well… [laughter] What does it look like?” I’m not gonna lie to you. It still looks like a dead body, but it looks way f*cking better… than that blow-up doll from 30 years ago.
And that’s what scares me. Because everything gets better. Right? You look at when cars first came out, the stupid horn… Ah-oo-ga. You had to crank-start it, you’d run over your best friend. Now you can start one up with a remote control from, like, 50 yards away. Right? Remember when airbags first came out? They just had one for the driver. [squeals] Ah! “My family! [laughter] [sobs] Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Why would you just save me?” [laughter] And then, eventually, they got airbags for everybody.
Well, these robot sex dolls are gonna be no different. Okay? They’re just gonna keep getting better and better and better, and these f*cking nerds are not gonna be making any regular-looking robot dolls, right? You know, some girl next door, you know, just some plain Jane, the chick your mom likes, being like, “Well, there’s a nice girl you could settle down with. She knows how to cook.” F*ck that. They’re gonna make Victoria’s Secret supermodels, just absolute, like, Paris runway-looking supermodels, and you’re gonna come home to one of these things and it’s gonna laugh at all your jokes. [robotic laughing] It’s gonna sit down and watch the game with you, like, “It doesn’t get any better than this. Yes, it does!” Ah! Ah! Ah! And it’s gonna get up and make you a f*cking, I don’t know, Bundt cake or a meat pie, whatever the f*ck you people eat, right? [laughter] There’s not gonna be a human woman in here that’s gonna be able to compete with that… for longer than 90 minutes, even on your birthday! By the third trip to the fridge, she’ll be like, “F*cking get it yourself! What am I, your slave? Go f*ck yourself!” And after you’ve been with one of these robots, like, sex dolls, you’re not gonna be able to go back to a real woman. Right, with all her hopes and dreams… and her needs. You’re gonna be coming home. She’s like, “What is going on with you? We’re not connecting. We need a date night.” All you’ll be thinking is, like, “How do I shut this f*cking thing off? What, is it on nagging mode? Why isn’t it blowing me right now? I clearly entered the room. I entered the room. It’s supposed to drop to its knees and blow me. I don’t understand.” Yeah, like, your ego is gonna be at, like, a dictator level. Like, “Me and my man tits have arrived! Service me! Say that I am your lord!”
Yeah, that’s it. You’re not gonna be able to go back to a real woman, and then nobody’s gonna be f*cking women, so they’re gonna get lonely, so they’ll have to create a doll for you guys, right? A giant f*cking… I don’t know what you guys are into. I don’t pretend to know. Like, some giant Brad Pitt-looking f*cking robot doll, f*cking eight-pack abs, a robot d!ck down to the floor. You know? Holds both your hands when you tell a story. All right? [laughter and applause] Whatever you’re into! Opens a bottle of wine at 12 noon. “It’s got to be five o’clock somewhere.” [robotic laughing]
Yeah. I think they’re gonna f*ck us into extinction. ‘Cause at that point, the only people left having sex with other human beings are gonna be hipsters and the homeless. Right? Because hipsters, they love all the old sh!t, right? Cassette tapes, Frisbees, dressing like a cobbler… Whatever the f*ck it is they’re doing, right? But even a homeless guy, you know, after, like, I don’t know, a couple of years, he’ll be able to drag some old, one-legged, f*cked-out robot model out of the trash, drag it back to its lair. That thing will still be building him up, you know, just laying there, like, “I don’t think you smell that bad.” [robotic laughing] “This is my favorite bridge.” [robotic laughing]
Yeah. And we’re all gonna f*cking die off, and what’s gonna be left to fight these robots off is gonna be an entire generation of hipster spawn. Yeah! And they’re gonna go to war ironically. [laughter] Yeah. Dressing… Dressed like… I don’t know, f*cking growing Civil War beards, dressing like Star Wars action figures, and they are gonna get f*cking slaughtered! And right when they get down to the last 30, there’s gonna be a liberal robot going like, “We should save a few for posterity.” Right? And they’re just gonna stick them in a zoo… and be this little hodgepodge of what was left. You know, black, white, Latin, Asian, gay, straight, trans, whatever. Whatever the f*ck, right? And they’re still gonna be arguing with each other. The robots will just be standing outside, going, “I love it when they cross their legs.” [laughs robotically] [laughs]
Yeah. And this is the f*cking world that I brought my daughter into. Like, I actually… am legitimately scared about them. I don’t know. I gotta tell you, though, becoming a dad was the greatest… is the greatest f*cking thing that ever happened to me. It really is. I don’t have any jokes about my kid. No, it is.
[cheering and applause]
And you’re applauding my wife. She did all the work. Yeah. Yeah, knocking a woman up, that’s easy. You just have fun. You… Unprotected sex, bam, you knock them up, and then they have to deal with it. You know? No matter how much they try to drag you into it, it really is, it’s their show. You know? I always say my wife… When my wife was pregnant, I’d say, “My wife, you know, she’s pregnant.” Then I have these people like, “Excuse me, you’re supposed to say, ‘We’re pregnant.’ You’re supposed to say, ‘We’re pregnant.'” It’s like, “Well, I’m not a seahorse, so I’m not f*cking pregnant.” My wife is pregnant. She’s putting on weight, her feet are swelling up. You know, she’s miserable. F*cking miserable. I’m still doing pull-ups. I’m crushing it while being pregnant. I’m still drinking, smoking, yeah. [chuckles]
No, the only thing that sucked was I had to get rid of my dog. Yeah. Had to find her a new home. Well, I finally had to admit that she was f*cking crazy. I got a crazy rescue dog and, uh, yeah, it was one of these f*cking dogs, man. It tried to kill both of my parents. It tried to kill my father-in-law. It bit one of my friends. I’d have family come over, friends or whatever, we’d have to stick it in the back room, like, lock the door. For the first hour, it’d just be throwing itself up against the door. “I’ll f*cking kill all you motherf*ckers! I’ll kill all you motherf*ckers!” Looking under the door, “I can see your feet! I know what you smell like! I’ll follow you home. I’ll find you. I’ll f*cking kill all of you!” And we were just in total denial, like, “No, she’s just a little, you know, a little scared… ’cause she was abused.” And we got, like, a trainer and all of that sh!t, and he finally said, “Listen, man, this is one of these dogs nature said no to, but people said yes to.” So I’m like, “Jesus Christ, you could’ve told me that 10,000 f*cking dollars ago!” You know? So now my wife, she’s five months pregnant, she’s six months, seven, eight months pregnant. It’s just the f*cking… this thing just hanging over my head, and finally I said to my wife, “We gotta do something about this.” I’m not gonna be this guy in the news, being like, “Well, you know, uh, the dog loved me and my wife, so I figured it’d be all right to let it sleep near the bassinet. And, well, you can imagine my surprise the next morning…” Yeah. I wasn’t gonna be that guy in the news whose dog ate his baby. Right? I gotta get rid of this thing. So we called my trainer, and he goes, “All right, I’ll take it.” Okay, thank God they’re not gonna put the dog down or anything like that, so I’m like, “Thank God.” So he goes, “I’ll come back in a week.” And it was very sad because we both loved this dog, like, with all our hearts, right? And what amazed me, though, was over that week, the way my wife handled grief versus me. It was so mature. She just, like, took it on. I just went into denial. I was just like, “Well, I’m not giving it away tomorrow, so I’m not gonna think about it.” And I just called the dog up on the bed, started petting her and lashing out at people for no f*cking reason. Right? My wife just went into the bathroom that night. She was brushing her teeth. I could just hear her quietly crying. [weeping] I swear to God, I was on the bed, and I literally… I got mad at her. I didn’t yell at her. Just… I had it just internal, you know? And I was just thinking, like, “Why is she having the proper emotion in this f*cking moment? Why isn’t she just blocking it out the f*cking way I am?” Right? “Just don’t deal with it till you f*cking give it away, and then just start yelling at people. The way I do.” Right? That’s what we did. I blocked it out, and every night, she would cry a bit more. The whole week… [weeping] Till the night before, she’s like… [sobs loudly] Right? And what I didn’t realize was she had cried herself into acceptance. And meanwhile, my emotions were still at the starting line. And there’s a knock at the door, and she goes, “Okay, he’s here. Go get the dog.” And I’m like, “Hey, Cleo!” And she popped her head up, and I saw her wagging her f*cking tail, and all of a sudden, eight years of conditional love all started bubbling up, and I was like, “Oh, f*ck, not now! Not now!” So I just pushed it down. [grunts] I just walked at her like some weird game show host. “Hey, how are you? I’m smiling for no reason, all right? Now we’re going for a walk. I’m just gonna say what we’re doing so I don’t think about what I’m feeling.” And I just walked out, handed the leash to the new owner, pet her on the head, didn’t even look her in the eye, ’cause I knew I couldn’t, and just turned around and walked away from something that I had loved more than I had loved anything in my life up to that point. Don’t tell my wife. All right? [laughter]
Then I come back into the house. She’s just looking at me. She knows I’m out of my f*cking mind. She’s like, “Are you okay? Everything all right? Wanna talk about it? We could go get something to eat?” I’m like, “No, I’m fine. Sometimes, you have to be up here and think logical, and not be in your heart. I’m just gonna go into the bathroom for a second.” And I went in, and I closed the door, and for 0.8 seconds, cried like a little boy, before I put the lid back on the jar. Fastened it back and just added it to the shelf of anger that sits in every man’s chest. Yeah.
[cheering and applause]
And I couldn’t help but wonder in that moment who that I love in my life is gonna pay for that in the future. [laughter] Like, where am I gonna be? Family reunion, Bed Bath & Beyond… “How many f*cking towels do we need? Jesus Christ, it’s a f*cking sickness with you!” “Where is this coming from? I just don’t understand where this is coming from.”
Listen, you guys are so awesome. Thank you so much for coming out. I had a great time. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
[cheering and applause]
Seriously, thank you, guys, so much. It’s been the best two days of my life. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Good night!