Bill Burr: Live at Red Rocks (2022) | Transcript

Comedian Bill Burr performs a stand-up routine at Red Rocks Amphitheatre, Colorado in 2021. He sounds off on cancel culture, feminism, getting bad reviews from his wife and a life-changing epiphany.
Bill Burr: Live at Red Rocks (2022)

[audience cheering, whistling]

[emcee] Ladies and gentlemen, Bill Burr!

[cheering and applause]

All right, thank you! Thank you very much. Thank you, thank you, thank you. How are ya? How’s it goin’? All right. You guys standin’ up, sit down. Sit down. See if I’m funny. I’ve been inside for a year and a half just like you. All right. It’s nice to be out here in Denver, man.


[chuckles] It’s legal on a state level, but not on a federal level, man. Everybody out here dressing like they’re fuckin’ goin’ hiking. [chuckles] Your North Face pajamas and all this shit you guys have. You guys all live inside. So, how have you guys been doin’, man? How has your pandemic been? You enjoyed it? You been staying inside? Are you being safe?

[man] No!

I am so fed up with people… “I ain’t bein’ safe! I don’t fuckin’ believe in it!” “It’s all a bunch of lies!” We’re just totally divided. The people that are like, “You gotta get vaccinated.” “You have to wrap yourself in an afghan, and you gotta cover your face and hold your breath when you look at pictures of people.” And you got the other side, “I don’t give a shit!” “I’m gonna have my balls out, walkin’ down the street, ’cause that’s what Jesus said in John 13.” “I read it in my bible study class. I don’t give a fuck.” “And if I get it, I’m goin’ to the hospital and be like, ‘All right, fix me, you were right.'”

Everybody, all hypocritical. All the liberals, “You gotta wear the mask, gotta wear the mask.” Then half of them when they talk, they’re pullin’ it down. They got it up under their fuckin’ nose.

Then the other assholes, they were all patriotic for years. “America, love it or leave it!” “Support the troops!” “You don’t like it, get the fuck out.” “America, love it or leave it.” All right, take the vaccine. “Well, I don’t trust the government.” Where the fuck did that come from? I thought you were all about it. I thought you were waving the flag and all of that shit.

Listen, here’s the deal. We’re never gonna solve this shit until we all get on the same page, which we know is never gonna happen, it’s never gonna happen. So, we gotta set up some Hunger Games shit to solve it. And whoever wins, wins. It’s the non-vaxxers versus the vaxxers. So there’s a giant field, and all the people who don’t want to get the vaccine, all the fatties and the fuckin’ lunatics, right? You gotta fuckin’ run the length of the field and try to make it to the other side while there’s a helicopter flying over you and they’re shooting the vaccine down at you. All right? And I know what you’re thinkin’, “Well, that ain’t fair, man.” “I’m runnin’ in my shit-kickers, you’re up there in a helicopter and you got a gun.” Well, here’s how we… It’s a liberal with a gun, right? They’re not good at that. Say, “Oh, my God, is it alive? Is it gonna hit me?” “I don’t feel safe!” And by then, you’re already halfway there. One of the straps of your overalls is off. If you make it to the other side, in the end, just like dodgeball, we’ll just score it. “Who won?”

It’s an idea, I don’t know. I just… I don’t know what else to do. I’ve kind of quit. I’m like… I’ve got to be honest with you. For the first like, you know, year of this shit, I was an American, you know, and I was rootin’ for everybody, and then, I don’t know. They let us outside for a couple of weeks and then they sent us back in, and I just didn’t have it in me anymore. It’s like, “I don’t care. I just don’t give a shit.” “You know, I hope a lot more people die, I really do.”

But the one good thing about this whole pandemic shit, and I really hope by the time this fuckin’ thing comes out that this will be considered old, I don’t know, God willing, but the one great thing about this pandemic shit is it kind of slowed down a little bit of that cancel culture. You know what I mean? Yeah. It’s kind of hard to take your dick out at work when you’re at home. You know? Some people still manage to do it. They’re on a Zoom call, no pants on. All of the sudden, standing up, their chunk right in the screen. Still figured out a way to get fired. It was unreal. It’s kind of good, though, that those creeps got to take a break, ’cause I felt like cancel culture, they were kind of running out of people to cancel. You know? As much as they wanted to make it seem, there really was a finite amount of people that took their dick out at work. Despite the stats, right? “Every 1.6 seconds, somebody takes their dick out and shakes it in a woman’s face in a cubicle.” You’re like, “What? Every 1.6 seconds?” I must not have been paying attention. “Every 3.2 seconds, some man jizzes on a fern and rubs it in a woman’s face.” Holy shit! I didn’t know that. Right? Yeah. So fortunately they rounded up all of these fuckin’ animals… and they got rid of them, right? But it kind of became like this cottage industry and it was a way to kind of get rid of some men that maybe were in your way, you know? It’s like anything. You know, the initial thing, you agree with it, and then it kind of gets out of control. So, I don’t know. But it kind of ran out of people and there was this hilarious moment, like last year where they started to try and cancel dead people. Remember that? All of the sudden, out of nowhere, John Wayne was trending. Have they got some found footage, a new movie coming out that maybe they shelved? Then all of the sudden it was all these stupid-ass “woke” white people, right? “Oh, my God, did you see what John Wayne said in Playboy in 1971?” Can you… this is a bunch of fuckin’ white people all up in arms about a dead white guy. “I can no longer tolerate this.” “I can no longer tolerate dead-for-45-years John Wayne saying things in a magazine that doesn’t exist anymore.” “I am here for Black people.”

These fuckin’ idiots. What kind of a fuckin’ idiot white person refers to themselves as “woke”? You know? If you actually were socially conscious, you’d realize that white people stole that word from Black people. Once again doin’ the Elvis thing. Right? But you know what, I blame Black people for that. One of them fucked up. They were at a party, there was white people there, and they let it slip out. “Stay woke” or however the fuck you say it. And some white person heard it, like, “Ah, what was that?” “Oh, my God.” “‘Stay woke’? I wanna say that.” “I gotta say that around my white friends so they know that I’m down.” “Oh, my God, I’m gonna fuckin’ say that.” “I’m fuckin’ woke. I’m fuckin’ woke.” “I’m a woke stickler.” “I’ve fuckin’ had it, I’ve had it.” “I support Black people in my white apartment on Twitter.” “That’s what I do. I’m fuckin’ here for you.”

Every white person likes to lie to themselves that if they were alive 150 years ago, that they would have been working on the underground railroad, trying to help slaves escape, right? “I would be one of the good white people, yes.” “I would have taken time out of my day, risked my life.” And the reality is, is you’d be doing back then exactly what you’re doing today… nothin’. Not a fuckin’ thing. Maybe a little #BlackLivesMatter. “Oh, my God, my heart breaks on my L-shaped couch.” My favorite thing about the Black Lives Matter marches was the store windows that would have the plywood over the windows, and then it would say, “Black lives matter” on top of the plywood. I just loved the duality of that message, you know? It’s like, “Black lives matter, we’re all the same, we’re all one.” “Don’t burn down my store, you fuckin’ animals!” “Everybody is welcome in this store.” “Anyone can come in.” “One at a time, follow him!” “It’s just a safe space for everyone.” Yeah. John Wayne was born in 1907. That’s what the fuck he’s gonna sound like. Then you got all these douchebags going like, “That’s not an excuse.” It’s like, “Yes, it is.” It absolutely is. You are of your time. Look at these young kids. Remember, for a year and a half, they’d take a water bottle. They’re all standing around and one kid would flip it, and if it landed upright, they’d go… [screaming] “Oh, shit!” And they’d just lose their fuckin’ minds. I didn’t understand it. But I’m born in 1968, so I’m just like, “All right, well, no one tried to slap it out of the way.” “You do it enough times, it’s gonna fuckin’ land upright.” “What is happening here?” Right? I don’t wanna ruin their good time. They’re excited, they’re gonna get on their scooters and ride off. Like a little posse or some shit. I’m like, all right, you can do that. Yeah. So that was like a thing for like half a second.

Sean Connery died. The great Sean Connery. Yeah, my favorite James Bond of all time. Yeah. And he was getting a proper send-off for about eight minutes on Twitter, and then the first hairy-leg white chick shows up, right? And she’s just gotta be like, “Really? Really?” “Are we really gonna celebrate this man who advocated the hitting of women?” It’s like, first of all, he didn’t advocate hitting women, okay? [as Connery] He just, “Every once in a while, you give ’em a little slap.” “Yeah, give ’em a little back of the hand, ya remind ’em who’s making the bucks off this shit.” “Reset their hard drive.” That’s all he said, okay? Yes, it’s a crazy statement in 2021. 1976, you know, it’s not good, but it’s not crazy. Right? And he’s born in 1930. You gotta put this shit in historical perspective. I love old movies. You ever watch movies from the ’30s, ’40s, and ’50s? Yeah. Any time a woman even has heightened emotion, there’s some guy like, “Get ahold of yourself!” “Yeah, go make me a pie. Put it on the windowsill.” Right? That’s what he grew up watchin’. I grew up in the ’70s. I thought being a truck driver was a cool thing. You know, you had a monkey for a friend. Going around, chicks are showin’ their titties. I thought that that was the world. I had no idea, that’s what I was watching. My thing is, okay, so if you’re gonna cancel all of these fuckin’ dead guys and shit all over them after they’re dead and they can’t defend themselves, why are you only going after men? You know, what about all the horrible women in history? You can’t just go after the men, that would be sexist, and this is what they don’t want. You know? I mean, what about Coco Chanel? Great example. Coco Chanel. Widely considered a feminist icon. She started her own purse factory, right, in the 19-teens or ’20s, whatever the hell she did. I can’t imagine the sexism that she had to deal with, you know. An amazing accomplishment, hats off to her, right? However, she was also a Nazi sympathizer. Yeah. That’s like half her fucking Wikipedia page, just sitting there, waiting for someone to read it. Right out in the open, nothin’. So evidently, what happened was, in World War II, old Adolf came rolling into town, okay, with his tanks with the Porsche engines in ’em, took over the town in like 90 minutes. She freaked out. She closes up her shop, right? Figured out where all the head Nazis were staying, what hotel. She moved in there and she started a relationship with one of the Nazis. Yeah. She started fucking a Nazi. You ever see those Holocaust videos? Huh? With those piles of kids’ shoes? Yeah. She was sucking the dick that did that. Now, just to refresh my memory, what did Sean Connery do again? “Oh, you know, every once in a while, you give ’em a little slap.” That’s what he did. She’s sittin’ there like, “Hey, Adolf, what’s goin’ on?” She so sold out her own country, she had to flee it at the end of the war, and I have no idea how many dicks she had to suck to get back in it. But despite all of that, I still don’t judge her. I don’t, ’cause I’ve never been in that situation. You know, I’ve never been in a country where all of the sudden, the most powerful army the world has ever seen comes in and takes it over in a couple of hours. She must have been terrified, right? And she’s a woman. You know? She’s into fashion. They show up with those Hugo Boss uniforms. You know, her knees buckle a little bit. Things start getting ugly, people are getting shot in the street. She’s freakin’ out. You know. And she’s a woman, and women know push comes to shove when you get your back against the wall. No matter how bad it gets, they always have the option of fucking their way out of a situation. They always got that card they can play. Right? All women know this. Women, all women know this. Men don’t realize this till they go to prison. But women learn this early on. She had the option and she took it. I can’t get mad at her for that, you know? So she’s dead and gone. I think she’s up there in heaven. I think she made it. She’s up there with Sean Connery. Every once in a while, they have a disagreement, he gives her a little slap, you know? She doesn’t care. Once you shit on a Nazi’s chest, a little backhand’s not gonna freak you out. Jesus can’t say anything, he got a hooker, right? Everybody’s got a little something they did. Well, there you go, boom. Still buy your Coco Chanel. She’s still a hero. She was a victim, she was a victim of that time. She was frightened, she was scared. She didn’t know what to do. Uh… anyway. So, we’re living in a fucking weird time. Obviously, beyond all the bullshit that’s going on now, like, every time I think feminism has kind of like died off, you know, you know, like a band you can’t stand and they haven’t put out an album in a few years, you’re like, “Oh, good, did they quit, did they break up?” All of the sudden, they come out with more shit. You’re like, “Fuck, what is it now?” I’m just fucking with you. Feminism doesn’t bug me, you know? It doesn’t bother me. I’m not afraid of it or anything like that, you know, for the simple fact that I know it’s gonna fail, you know? And I take comfort in that, I do. I’m not rooting for it because… I know it doesn’t like me. Um… Yeah, do you know why I think it’s not going to survive, why it’s not going to be successful anyway? ‘Cause they still need men’s help to make it happen. I don’t understand it. I don’t understand why women just can’t work with each other and make this shit happen. They keep coming to us, like, “More men need to care about this issue.” “Where are the men to stand up and say something… yak-yak-yak.” Why do I have to fuckin’ say something? This is your fuckin’ problem. Why are you always dragging us into this shit?

I saw a woman a couple months back, professional soccer player, right? She goes onto ESPN on one of these sports channels and she starts bitching, going like, “I don’t understand, how come female athletes don’t make as much as male professional athletes?” Right? And all of these men had to sit there and act like they didn’t know what the answer was. They had to sit there, like, dumbfounded. Like, “Oh, I don’t know.” “Why is that?” “That is a conundrum. I have no idea.” Literally, I’m sitting at home screaming at the TV, “‘Cause you don’t sell any fuckin’ tickets!” Nobody is going to women’s soccer games. You’re playing in a 20,000-seat arena, 1,500 people show up. That’s not a good night. The promoter lost his fucking ass on that gig. I’m not saying no professional female athletes… Serena Williams, the women in the UFC, you know? But nobody’s watching your fuckin’ sport. And then you’re gonna come and you’re gonna get mad at fuckin’ men. They keep doing that shit. Why are you yelling at us? It’s not our fucking job. It’s not my fuckin’ job to give a fuck about women’s soccer, okay? I have men’s sport to pay attention to. This is… it’s your bullshit, right?

Dude, look at the WNBA. Dude, nobody in the WNBA got COVID. Nobody. They have been playing in front of 300 to 400 people a night for a quarter of a century. Not to mention it’s a male-subsidized league. We gave ya a fuckin’ league. None of ya showed up. Where are all the feminists? That place should be packed with feminists. Faces painted, wearing jerseys, flashin’ their titties. Goin’ fuckin’ nuts, like the guys do in the upper deck with their big beer titties. “Am I on the jumbotron? Am I doing it?” Yeah. You didn’t. None of you, none of you went to the fuckin’ games. None of you. You all, you failed them, not me. Not men. Women failed the WNBA. Ladies, ladies, name your top five all-time WNBA players of all time. Come on. Let’s hear it. Name five WNBA teams. Name the WNBA team in your fuckin’ city. You can’t do it! You don’t give a fuck about them. They play night in and night out in front of nobody. It’s a fuckin’ tragedy, right?

And then meanwhile, you look at the Kardashians, they’re making billions. You look at those Real Housewives shows, they’re making money hand over fist ’cause that’s what women are watchin’. The money listens. You don’t wanna watch this shit, you’re watching this shit. They just shoot it over there, drowning these whores in money and purses and shoes and Botox. It’s just raining. It’s raining money. Yeah. So, the money listens. You’d rather watch that shit, Real Housewives, a bunch of women just tearing each other down. “Well, maybe that’s why your husband left you.” “Maybe that’s why your husband left. That’s why you can’t have kids, bitch!” “That’s why your ass is as flat as your titties, bitch.” Right? That’s the message you sent. “We would rather watch that than see a bunch of women come together as a team and try to achieve a common goal.” “We would rather watch them actually fucking destroy each other.”

Yeah. No, no, no. And then in the end, you come back and you fuckin’ yell at guys. And it’s like, let me get this straight, I have to buy you a drink, stop the axe murderer from coming through the fuckin’ window, and I have to watch WNBA games for you? Like, when are you gonna pick up your end of the couch?

Yeah. I don’t have any sympathy for women when it comes to shit like that because every study they’ve ever done to determine who’s smarter, men or women, every study comes back and says women are smarter. Every fuckin’ one.

Ladies, you shouldn’t be applauding that. You know I’m an asshole. You know this isn’t gonna end well. “Did he say I’m pretty?” “Oh, my God.” Get out of the relationship. If every study says that you’re smarter, okay, the question you should be asking yourself, if we’re so goddamn smart, how are we in the situation we’re in? Well? You’re in the situation you’re in not because of guys like me. As much as you want to blame me, you know? Ladies, you never drove by a sports bar on a football Sunday and looked at the humanity in there? All those dumb guys with their big beer bellies bumpin’ shit. “Hey, he’s on my fantasy team!” “Up top, yeah!” “You wanna get some more mozzarella sticks?”

As a woman with your bigger brain, you never looked in there and thought to yourself, “I’m fuckin’ losin’ to that?” “I’m losin’ to that?” Yeah, there’s nothing stopping you. Other than the fact that you guys are just into destroying each other. Oh, now it’s gonna get quiet? I see all that sneaky shit you do. Ladies, if you could just support the WNBA the way you support a fat chick that’s proud of her body and is no longer a threat to you, you know? That league would be doing better numbers than the NBA. Oh, my God, that’s one of the saddest things I’ve ever seen. “Oh, my God, you’re a goddess, you’re gorgeous.” “You look great in that bikini.” “I would kill myself if I looked like that.” “Keep eating, keep eating.” “Lose a toe, you fat bitch.”

It’s just… You saw an alcoholic, would you be like, “Oh, my God, look at you.” “You’re facedown, passed out, your kids are crying.” “You’re a hero, you’re a god.” “Keep doing what you’re doing.” You’d be like, “Dude, get your fuckin’ shit together.” “Get off the sauce.”

I will say that’s one of the most genius things I’ve ever seen, how regular-looking women somehow mind-fucked advertising to get beautiful women off of billboards. Yeah. Just regular fuckin’ who-gives-a-shit-lookin’ women, right? I’m just being honest. Come on, we’re outside, we’re in the woods, we can be honest. Just regular who-gives-a-fuck… can’t-remember-her-name-looking women. Right? Lookin’ at these goddesses and they had to fuckin’ be… “How am I supposed to compete with that?” You can’t! How fucking arrogant are you? I don’t see Brad Pitt when he takes his shirt off in a movie and, “Oh, great, how am I supposed to compete with that?” I can’t. I am an ugly, bald, orange man. I need to write jokes. I gotta put a lampshade on my head. I know what my role is, okay? I should be on the ground gazing up at people better-looking than me. I don’t know, ladies, this is supposed to be like an inspirational talk. I don’t know if it’s coming through this way. I’m trying to say, if you really like… If you get through all the misdirected anger of my childhood… I’m trying to say, you’re smarter than we are and there’s more of you. I don’t know. I don’t know what to tell you. I’m trying to be… I don’t know. Trying to be a better person during all of this shit, you know? I am. You know, I got this new thing, man. I try to help out homeless people. You know? Sometimes I help them out, sometimes I don’t. You know, it’s like the mood you’re in, how much they freak you out. You know? So, this is what I do. You got to do something because people at the top don’t seem to be doing anything. I try to bring all my old clothes down to the tent cities to give it to them. It’s a good thing to do, but I gotta tell you something, you gotta do it during the day. All right? You want to do it during the day when they’re tired from Thunderdome the night before, they’re coming down from whatever they’re on, realizing there’s a nail in their shoulder. You want to get them when they’re tired. You don’t go at night. No one’s gonna see you again, you’re gonna end up on a fuckin’ spit. I mean, you’re under an overpass, you never know what can happen, okay? I’m just warning you ’cause they don’t make homeless people the way they made them when I was a kid, you know? When I was a kid, a homeless guy was a bum, he was a vagrant, somebody down on his luck or whatever. You know, a wino. They didn’t have this Shutter Island shit going on that they had out there, like people talking to trees. [shouting gibberish] You’re right here having, like, eggs Benedict. He’s, like, looking through a porthole over your cabbage. Yeah. When I was a kid, you could only be crazy outside for about 15 minutes before a van would pull up and two guys in nurses’ outfits would just come walking out. “Hey, buddy, how’s it going?” “You’re making a lot of racket out here, aren’t ya?” “Why don’t you do me a favor, try this shirt on?” Be like, “Okay. How come the sleeves are so long?” “Oh, because we’re gonna tie your arms behind your back ’cause you’re out of your fucking mind, that’s it.” “Not gonna have you out here scaring the shit out of people.” “Get in the fuckin’ van!” And he got in the van and that was it. They send you to a nuthouse. That’s it, boom, bam, done, nuthouse. But the problem was the people at the nuthouses started fucking the patients ’cause everybody knows crazy people are great in bed, right? So they’re banging away, right? Hey, it happened. You’re groaning at history, all right? You can shake your heads all you want, but… Hey, hey! They fucked those people, all right? And they were banging away, doctors with their fuckin’ lab coats flappin’ in the wind, just banging away, until finally… for decades… finally somebody with a heart came walking in, “Hey, what the fuck is going on here?” And then they shut it down and then they just let all these people go. They all came running out like Mike Myers, jumping up on station wagons and shit. So that’s the thing, you go during the day. And I gotta tell you, when I pull up to one of these tent cities, I always feel good about myself. “This is good, man, helping out a fellow American.” “I would want them to do that for me.” “It’s fuckin’ ridiculous people have to live like that.” That’s what I think when I’m in the car, and then the second I get out and that smell hits me, I’m like, “What the fuck am I doing? Jesus Christ, these people are animals!” Right? I would equate it to the same feeling you probably get if you were on a safari and you’re in the Land Rover, and you look over and you see, like, a leopard. You’re like, “Look at that leopard over there.” Right? Then all of the sudden you go over a bump and fall out of the fuckin’ Range Rover. “Oh, fuck, that’s a leopard!” Yeah, so I pull up and I’m feeling like fuckin’ Uncle Sam. Then I get out of the car and I’m like, “What the fuck am I doing?” I start walking like this. There’s always some sort of movement going on, somebody fuckin’ limping across the street or something. And I’ve never been able to get close enough to talk, really, to anybody. You know, like they do on the news. You know, like, “Jeez, have you been sitting in here, you know, for a couple of months?” “What is it like to be inside of this tent?” I always wondered how many people they had to choke out before they could get that fuckin’ interview. You know, just comin’ in… blow darts. Numbin’ up everybody else. Building a perimeter. So, what I… What I do is I get about 30 yards away, and then I just start walking like this. And then I chicken out, I always chicken out. Thirty yards away, I just go, “Free shirts!” I run back to the car. And that’s when your brain starts playing tricks on you. Like I’m convinced somebody just came running out of the tent with a 2-by-4. Running after me. So I always do a lap around my car before I get in it, you know. ‘Cause homeless people have horrible lateral movement. You know, from all those years of sleeping on the sidewalk, their hips are just junk, you know, like an NFL running back. They slow down like a cruise ship, go right up and over the horizon. So in that time, you go around, you get in your car, you drive away. You drive away. Your closet’s a little more empty. You can go out, you can fill it back up again with shit you don’t fuckin’ need, you know, that’s what you do.

[man] America!

What’s that, sir?

[man] America!

America, yeah! America! Don’t think. Just do what you wanna do. Take your dick out, you know? I’ll tell ya, that’s what George Washington was talking about. You know? They really need to shut down the Internet. We are clearly too stupid to all be sharing ideas in this giant townie bar that we’ve created. You guys are all cheering, you’re all on the Internet just like me. I was on the Internet for six hours last night. Trying to figure out what kills a beaver, you know? Does a beaver have a natural predator? No. You wouldn’t know it from all the ignorant shit I’ve said so far, but I am a changed person, believe it or not. I am. I had an experience earlier this year.

[man] Bullshit.

This is all true. You don’t think so? Guy just yelled “bullshit.” Are you saying “bullshit,” sir, ’cause you don’t believe me or ’cause you don’t want me to leave? Is that what it is? The little angry circle that you’re in? Don’t be goin’ and gettin’ happy now. Don’t be goin’ and gettin’ soft on me. Don’t start huggin’ people and lovin’ yourself. And cryin’ when you see somethin’ cute. Hang onto it! Lash out at people. Reach for your pistol under the seat. Do it!

[man] Yeah!

No, I took mushrooms back in February for the first time ever.

[audience cheering, whistling]

This is the perfect state to tell this story. You guys should literally have… you should have mushrooms on your fuckin’ license plate. All right, so here’s the deal. I never fucked with anything like that. I was always a booze guy. Always a booze guy, you know. Yeah, you know. Relax, everybody. I always get nervous when I get white guys going like, “Yeah! All right, whoo!” “All right!” “Build the wall! Yeah!” I’m fuckin’ around, relax. It’s frightening to listen to, but that’s what being a guy is. You’re not allowed to have emotions. So all that shit comes out when you’re drinking. [growling] “Do something dumb so I don’t feel stupid!”

So… yeah, I was always like a booze guy, so I never fucked with psychedelics or whatever, so it was one of these deals. I was out in the desert, man, and I was like, all right, I got somebody watching my kids. Everything’s fine, I’m in my fifties. I gotta do it now or I’m never gonna do it, right? So this person, who may or may not have been my opening act tonight, goes, “All right, man.” Uh… He’s a good man, he’s a good man. He says to me, he goes, “All right.” He goes, “Okay, just take like, you know…” You know, it’s always just like, “All right, so, like, how fucked up do you wanna get, all right?” And there’s always like a square and it’s like, “Okay, don’t eat the whole square.” “Just like, bite one corner, lick the other one, and then rub the other one.” “Let it absorb in your face or whatever.” So, I’m like, “All right.” He goes, “How far into it do you wanna go?” I go, “I just wanna trip a little bit, nothing crazy.” So he goes, “Fine,” so I ate just a little bit. I get a little nauseous or whatever. At first it feels like I ate some weed, but then all of the sudden I notice shit that’s not alive looks like it’s breathing, right? Like the refrigerator looked like it just did a lap around the house. It’s kind of… Nothin’ threatening, you know. It needed it, you know. TV started getting bigger. It’s looking like it’s gonna fall on me. All right, and I was doing fine. I was like, “I know that TV’s not getting bigger.” “And if it is, I don’t give a shit, go ahead.” “Spill that pixelation all over me, I don’t give a fuck.” “I know I’m trippin’, I’m having fun. I’m giggling.”

I’m laughing and shit, I’m putting things together, and everything is fuckin’ great. And all of the sudden, about an hour in… all of a sudden this profound sense of loneliness and not feeling loved just washed over me. Yeah, and I was just like, “I fuckin’ knew it.” I fuckin’ knew it. This is why I didn’t do it. I knew I had too many demons. I knew I wasn’t going to see God and fuckin’ unicorns and slide down the rainbow and roll around in the grass. I fuckin’ knew Satan was coming up. There was gonna be a guy with a knife and shit. I was just like, “All right, go ahead. Drag me into the abyss.” “Let me see how fucked up I am,” and this feeling, it just enveloped me, and I don’t even know how to describe it, it wasn’t even a feeling. It just was, it just was.

So I’m freakin’ the fuck out. I’m sitting there like, “What the fuck?” I can’t get out of it, dude. Like I could walk a hundred fuckin’ million miles, I can’t walk out of it, it just was. So everybody else is, like, trippin’, I didn’t want to fuckin’ ruin their trip, so I’m just like, “All right, dude, I’m just gonna go to the bedroom.” “Oh, look at the refrigerator. Refrigerator…” [laughing nervously] All right. “I’m just feelin’ a little nauseous.” Just playin’ it up, right? Goin’ in the fuckin’ bedroom, and I’m just layin’ down in the bedroom like, “Dude, what the fuck? What the fuck?” And every time I thought I felt the bottom, it would just… just further into the bed, further into the bed, further into the bed. So about a half hour later, my wife comes in. She’s like, “Hey, how you doing?” Typical guy. “Great, I’m doin’ great.” “I’m doin’ great.” “It’s goin’ great.” So she’s laying next to me, “I’m feeling a little nauseous, this is a little bit much for me.” And she’s just laying down and I’m just feeling this feeling. Not feeling loved, profound sense of loneliness. So now I’m just looking at my wife, and my brain just starts going like, “Oh, fuck, did I marry the wrong person?” “Why am I lookin’ at…” I know it seems fucked up, but once you’re married long enough, even not on mushrooms, you have that thought every fuckin’ six weeks. You just do. Something happens where you just look at the side of their head and just do the math and just think, “Why did I ever talk to you?” “I could have just walked by. I didn’t even have to say hello.” “We had no relationship.” “We were nothing!” “What would happen if I just never talked to you?” Every six weeks, you think that’s a healthy relationship? That means you’ve still held on to a part of yourself that even though you love this person, you still, you know, you still want to run around like a mustang a little bit, right? So anyways, I’m like, that was freaking me out even more to think of my wife and be feeling that. So I was like, “Fuck, I need to pull the rip cord.” “I gotta get out of this fuckin’… it’s like a giant beanbag.” Couldn’t get out of it, right? So I was like, “Oh, fuck.” Think about your kids. Now, I love my kids. And I know they love me, there is no fuckin’ question. And I start thinking about my kids. And I still felt that feeling. And I was like, “All right, what the fuck is this?” ‘Cause I know that’s bullshit. And I just sort of laid there. And I relaxed. And I went, “Oh, fuck, I know what this is.” This is how I felt growing up. [chuckles] Yeah. This is what the ’70s and ’80s were like. Both your parents worked. You got a set of keys to the house when you were three. “Oh, yeah, son. Get the fuck out of my face, son.” It was fuckin’ nuts, yeah. I grew up in a very, like, angry time, you know? Like, you were afraid of your dad, your dad’s dad. I talked about this shit before, but I’m still working through it, so just bear with me. You just were fuckin’… Yeah, like I love seeing kids nowadays loving their dad. Like, “Dad, wanna go play, Dad? Let’s go ride bikes! Dad!” Yeah, when I was a kid, it was like, “Dad, fuck, Dad!” “Fuck!” “Run! Open a window.” “Mom, what did you see in that?” – Fucking lunatic, right?

[man] Yeah!

It was absolute fuckin’ lunacy. And not just my house. I love my parents, but it was just the time. Everybody was fuckin’ crazy, you were afraid, and people could put their hands on you and other people’s dads could hit you, and then you come home, “What the fuck did you do?” “I’ll fuckin’ hit you for it!” It was just nuts. Teachers would grab you, dig their nails into your fuckin’ neck. She’d come home, “She wouldn’t have done that unless something happened.” Right? It was all of that shit. Me and my siblings, we all beat the shit out of each other. You know. And then we all teased the dog, and the dog bit all of us. And we never got rid of the dog. One time the dog bit me in the face. I was fuckin’ with it, it was eating, I was like… And he latched onto my face like… Like that. My dad had to stitch me up and everything. We still didn’t get rid of the dog, you know? “Aw, he’s a good dog, he had a moment.” “Jesus Christ, you shouldn’t have put your goddamn face down there near the fuckin’ dog.” Yeah. So that’s all it was. It was weird, we were like The Brady Bunch meets Lord of the Flies. Like, on paper, it was great. It was a station wagon full of fuckin’, you know… Norman Rockwell, we went to church, we got Dunkin’ Donuts. Yeah, that was about the fuck… so… I don’t know, so anyway, we all ended up… My dad was one of those people, he said whatever the fuck was on his mind. You know what I mean? Yeah. You know, like that haircut women get when they get to a certain age? They got a couple of kids, they just get it cut a little shorter ’cause they don’t wanna deal with it. They put that little Hillary Clinton flip in it or something. Right? They get it all shaved up the fuckin’ back. First time you bend ’em over, you feel like you’re fuckin’ your friend Eric. Right? You know? But you love your wife, so you lie and you tell them, “Oh, looks good.” “Looks great, I always wanted to fuck Geraldine Ferraro.” “My God, it’s amazing.” My dad didn’t care. We picked my mother up, she got in the car, he just goes, “Aw, Christ, it looks like shit!” “Jesus Christ, what the fuck did they do to you?” “Aw, for Christ’s sake, you look like a fuckin’ man.” My mom’s just sittin’ there like… We’re in the back seat like, “This is what a functional relationship looks like.” Whoo! Yeah. So, because of all that, we all ended up getting, like, physical ailments from being in the fight-or-flight mode our whole lives. Everything, gym teachers were scary, collecting on your paper… Everybody was scary fuckin’ everything. One time my dad told a priest he didn’t deserve to wear the collar. I don’t know how it happened. We were discussing the altar boys’ schedule… and, I don’t know, he wanted to put me on a different mass, and my dad started getting his leg going. “You don’t deserve to wear the fucking collar!” The guy’s jaw was on the ground, and then the best part, next week we go to mass. They haven’t spoken in a week, and my dad comes walkin’ like, “Hey, how you doin’, what’s going on?” Like nothing happened. Yeah, so anyway, we all end up getting these physical ailments. Like one of my siblings has stomach problems, another one has this pain that won’t go away in his back. I remember I had, like, alopecia in, like, the third grade. Third grade, I literally had clumps of hair falling out like I was working on Wall Street, you know. And I was just sitting there like, “Did I pick up all the toys?” “Did I do the dishes?” “He’s gonna find something, he always finds something.” “Fuck, what do I do? I gotta kill him.” “I should kill him, that’s what I should do.” “When he’s sleeping, I’ll take an extension cord.” “I’ll wrap it around, put my fuckin’ foot on his back.” “Billy seems to lack the focus in class that he needs.” “He’s not working up to his ability.” Right?

Yeah, so, anyway, I took these fuckin’ mushrooms. All right? And I realized that I have been carrying that shit around and being like, all right, well, that’s why I drank the way I did. That’s why I’ve trashed women the way I… All the fuckin’ shit. I knew every fuckin’ thing I did, good and bad, in that moment. I was like, all right, now I got to get sober and I got to fuckin’ work my way through this shit, because, you know, my wife…

I don’t know if you guys noticed, I have a bit of a temper. [chuckles] “No, not you, Bill.” Yeah. So here’s the thing, you know, I’m so fucked up and grew up in such a fucked-up time that I didn’t even think I had a temper ’cause I was like, “I don’t fuckin’ yell at people in my house.” I curse my wife out, I mean we get into it. I get into it with her, but I don’t go like, “Jesus Christ, you fuckin’ bitch,” I don’t do that stuff. I don’t yell at my kids, but what I do is… what I still do is I flip out. So, like I said, I didn’t think that this was a problem. My wife told me it was a problem, but I don’t listen to her, you know. Why would I listen to her? All she does is criticize, you know? I got nothing but bad reviews on the fuckin’ Husband Yelp. It’s just all, “You know, didn’t enjoy the experience.” “Thumbs down, half a star,” never get a fuckin’ “attaboy,” right? So it just becomes white noise after a while. “What, am I doing something wrong again? Oh, yeah, you again, okay, great.” “Great, what did I do this time, huh?” “What do I have to work on?” “Go ahead, fuckin’ let me know,” right? So, I don’t listen to my lovely wife. Like an idiot… Like the idiot that I am, so…

One day I learned a harsh lesson, okay? It was a breakfast time. For some reason I had, like, 20 minutes to myself, which is really rare when you got two kids four and under, right? So I’m thinking like, “Holy shit, I can actually make myself a breakfast, like the old days.” “I’ll make two eggs over easy, I’ll make some toast, I’ll make some bacon, fuckin’ burn it up the way I like it.” “It’s gonna be the shit, right?”

So I’m having a great time, making myself a Grand Slam breakfast. I sit down to eat, I got the OJ, I got the glass of water. It looks like a picture from a commercial. And right as I sit down to eat, my phone lights up and I get a text message from my buddy. He goes, “Hey, man, I thought you were coming on this Zoom meeting.” “It started five minutes ago, we need you on this.” And I just absolutely lost it. I was like, Jesus Christ, of course I have a meeting. Of course I have my meeting, because why couldn’t I just have one goddamn cocksucking motherfucking moment to myself?! Fuckin’ toast flying all over the place. Flippin’ the fuck up.

And then all of the sudden, my daughter, who was like two and a half at the time, comes running into the kitchen with big tears in her eyes, just going, “I sorry, I sorry, Dada. Dada, I sorry.” And I was like, “Oh, shit!” So I literally just squatted down, I was like, “No, buddy, come here.” “I wasn’t yelling at you. Daddy would never yell at you.” “I love you, buddy. Daddy was yelling at the phone, okay?” “Dad yells at the phone when it says stuff that he doesn’t like, okay?” “Your dad has issues. I’m sorry, buddy. I would never yell at you.” And I could literally feel her tears drying in my shirt. I was like, “Buddy, I would never do that, okay?” “I love you. You still love me?” She said, “Yeah.” I go, “Okay, all right, buddy.”

And then you know when you do that thing with a kid where you turn them around and push them in the direction you want them to go in? And I just had to sit there like, I just did that to a two-and-a-half-year-old, and she was like walking away, and I’m just sitting there thinking like, “How bad was that?” “Is she just gonna go play with a toy and forget about it, or is she no longer gonna be an astronaut?” Like, what did I just do? I thought I was better than my dad, I’m making the same mistakes that he’s making. I fuckin’ hate myself.

I didn’t do the meeting, I didn’t eat the breakfast. I just went upstairs, just wanted to be alone, right? Just want to be fuckin’ alone, but I got a wife, so it doesn’t work that way. You know? Especially when you fuck up as bad as I did and as loudly as I did. I knew she was comin’ down the hall. I knew I was going to have to watch some game film. She was bringing the projector, the screen was gonna come down, and I’m literally just laying in there, like, “Please, God, just let her give me two minutes to fuckin’ calm down.”

Nope, she just comes right in and she’s just like, “So… you wanna discuss that little incident that happened downstairs in the kitchen?” And I’m like, “No, honey, can you just give me a second?” “My heart is still on the floor. Give me a second. I know I fucked up.” She doesn’t give a shit at that point, and she’s right, it’s her kid too, so she just launched in, “If you think you can do this in this fuckin’ house…” All this shit, and… I mean, she was 100% right, but I wasn’t ready to hear the information. So she just sort of zoned out. “They’re my kids too and…”

And I’m just sittin’ there… laying in the bed with the nerve to be upset with her. She didn’t do anything, and I’m just staring at her mouth as it’s moving, not hearing anything. I just started thinking of the news, a news story popped into my head. You know that news story, you’ll see it every year, year and a half. You’ll see some guy, never committed a crime in his life, you know, went to church every week. Helped old ladies across the street. And then out of nowhere, he just kills his wife. It’s gotta be from times like this. It just has to be. He just had something to say. Like, I don’t know, I just fucked up, but… I knew she was right, so I sat there, I fuckin’ took it, you know? I will say, as an aside, the next time you see a guy who never even cheated on his taxes, and then out of nowhere he kills his wife, I think it’s high time to bring back the question, “What did she say?” Okay? I’m just sayin’, all right? Examine the problem from 360 degrees.

So anyway, so, I love my dad and everything, you know, but there’s things I want to improve on, so the great thing I have done is my kids are not afraid of me. And every time I have fucked up, I’ve gotten down on my kids’ level and let them know that I was wrong and I apologize. So, the great thing is my kids are not afraid of me. So now, my daughter’s a little bit older, she’s like four and a half now, so now whenever I start flipping out, she actually has been helping me to stop. ‘Cause the second I hear that cute voice, I can’t… I just think, “Dada, I sorry,” I just immediately…

It’s hilarious, I’ll be in the kitchen. I’m always in the kitchen doing something, right? And one day I just come in like, “What the fuck kind of toaster is this?” “What was wrong with the other toaster?” “I need to download the app to make fucking cocksucking…” And all of the sudden, she’ll just be like, in the other room, be like, “Dad, don’t scream like that!” The second I hear that voice, I’m like, “You’re right, buddy, sorry.” “Sorry, I’m just gonna download the app here.” “Download the app in the amount of time it would take to make some fuckin’ toast!” Um… “Ooh, Dad, you said a bad word. You said a bad word.”

She does all of that shit, right? To the point, one night… We have movie night once a week. It’s my favorite thing, we’ll watch some Pixar thing, you know. One of those great movies, you know. They’re great. They’re for kids and adults. It’s fuckin’ awesome. We sit down, make the popcorn and everything. So we have this smart TV in the living room. Oh, people, this is a smart TV. Oh, is it smart. Oh, is this fuckin’ TV. It’s so goddamn smart that one time I was in there, I had all the lights up because we were gonna watch a movie, but the TV’s so smart, as I’m pressing “on”… which you don’t even do. Don’t hit the “on” button. You hit the “on” button, that fucks it up, you gotta press two other buttons. “Oh, is that what I gotta do? Is that what I have to fuckin’ do?” “Don’t scream like that.” “You’re right, buddy.” This fuckin’ thing, if the lights are out, will not turn on, ’cause it’s thinking, “Well, the lights are out, obviously nobody is in the room.” Well, maybe somebody’s asleep on the couch and they rolled over onto the remote. Meanwhile I’m standing in the dark, “You’re gonna turn on ’cause I fuckin’ bought you and I fuckin’ said so,” right? So my kid comes running. She’s like, “Dada, don’t scream like that.” I’m like, “You’re right, buddy. I’m sorry.” She’s like, “Dada, why do you scream like that?” “‘Cause I paid all this money for this TV.” “I wanna sit down and watch the movie with you, and every time I go to turn it on, it won’t turn on.” “It’s always something.”

So she put her little hand on my shoulder, she goes, “Dada, it’s gonna be okay. It’s gonna be okay.” Right? I don’t even think she knows what that means. I just think she knows when to say it, because my wife always says that. “Honey, it’s gonna be okay, just relax. We’ll get you another balloon.” “We can get you another one.” So that’s what she did. She was just going, “Dada, it’s gonna be okay.” Right? She had that little cute hand on my shoulder. And I don’t know, it just hit me, I was just thinking like, yeah. You’re right, it is going to be okay, right? “I mean, I could turn the lights on.” “I can relax. I don’t even need to watch it.” “As long as I’m hanging out with you, this is great.”

It was like a profound moment for me for like half a second. Then another moment, then I felt like a loser ’cause I’m like, how fucked up am I that a four-and-a-half-year-old is, like, my life coach, like, dropping these truth bombs on me?

So… anyway. So I’m going to try to stay sober until I figure out… Yeah, dude, it fuckin’ sucks, though, I’m not gonna lie to you. Just every day, takin’ life in the face. Praying for sleep. Oh, God, make it end. Fuckin’ hate these happy sober people. “It’s amazing, I feel so alive. I have all this fuckin’ energy.” How long does that take, you know? I drink a milk shake once a week, that’s my big fucking thing. Have a root beer float, oh, it’s just sad. It’s just a sad thing, like watching an old athlete that can’t run anymore. “I used to day drink, man, it was great.” So…

Anyway, um… By the way, I haven’t even mentioned how blown away I am that I’m playing in this place. This is absolutely great.

[audience cheering]

Yeah. It’s hilarious. You stay up here for like an hour with this wind, your fuckin’ lips get all chapped. It’s like you’re standing on the front of a boat. So, anyway, let’s end with a couple of silly ones here. We’ll be on our way, right? Let’s see what I did. All right, I’m doing good here. All right, so, here’s a good one for you.

A couple of years ago, before all this stupid fuckin’ pandemic shit started, Mother Nature’s half-assed attempt to get rid of the amount of people she needs to get rid of, you know, just procrastinating, treating it like a term paper. Um… I was in New York, I had an acting gig. I was playing a fireman. All right, now, I’m not the best actor, right? Some of you saw it. I hope you paid for it, you cheap bastards. You all watched it for free, you bastards. So, anyways, I’m not the best actor, so I have to look the part, so I grew this giant fireman mustache, big stupid fireman mustache, which looked great when I was wearing the whole fireman getup, and they put the fake dirt on my face. I looked like I’d been fighting fires for 20 years, right? However, the second I took off the costume and they cleaned off my face and I put on my regular clothes, I immediately just looked like some sad old queen that never found love, right?

And as luck would have it, I was in New York City in June, which I quickly found out was Gay Pride Month. The whole month. And let me tell you something, the gay guys show up strong. It is wall-to-wall, the fuckin’ island is almost tipping over, there’s so many of them. And I’m sitting there going, “Oh, my God.” Thirty days of this shit. I’m walking around with this orange Freddie Mercury fuckin’ dick broom on my face. I am gonna be getting harassed up and down the street. I was in actor shape, man, I was fuckin’ shredded.

I gotta tell you something, man, when I tell you 30 days of June, not one gay guy even fuckin’ looked at me. Forget about even hit on me. I have never felt so old and undesirable in my life. Dude, I’m gonna tell you something, there’s one thing as a man when you get so old that women don’t look at you anymore. Like, you know you’re gonna hit that age, you know that day’s coming, but nobody tells you, at some point, you’re gonna get so old, not even a man wants to fuck you, right? Dude, that is a statement. When you get so old, some queen in his sixties is, “Keep it movin’, I can do better than that.” “Jesus Christ.” “Get some fuckin’ hair plugs or something. Get a spray tan.” “I can get someone in his forties. Come on, keep going.”

Dude, I was having this fuckin’ panic attack. I was thinking like, “Oh, my God, I waited too long to get married.” “I had kids too late, I’m gonna die soon.” I was literally wrapping up my life, you know? So I’m walking down like Ninth Avenue, putting a little swish in my fuckin’ step, just tryin’ to get something. I was desperate. Fuck you, ladies, you’ve been there. You know how it is. You wanna think you got one more in ya, you know? So I’m tra-la-la-ing down the street. I really wish that wasn’t the truth.

So I’m going down Ninth Avenue, and all of the sudden I looked up, and about two blocks away, I see this lesbian coming up the block. Okay? Now, I know this is Boulder, Colorado, right? So you guys are all like, “Fuckin’, hey, man, you know?” Like, “How did you, like, know she was a lesbian, man?” “Like, that’s not cool.” “You just looked at her and you just knew she was a lesbian?” “You don’t know her, how did you just…” “How do you just know somebody’s a lesbian?” Easy. The same way you do. The same way other lesbians do. It’s not calculus. No, but I understand in 2021, you’re not allowed to say you know “what a lesbian looks like,” right? Judging by your silence, yes, right? Yeah, you’re not allowed, right? What’s funny, if some white kid came in here, like 20 years old, hair slicked back, collar popped, loafers, no socks, you’d be looking at him thinking, “All right, frat boy, date rapist.” “His dad’s a judge. He’s not going to jail.” “Yeah. Just killed five people in a drinking-and-driving accident.” “Already has a new Dodge Challenger on the way.” Right? Yeah, you’re allowed to see that, that you can see. Clear as day. Lesbian. I have no idea. No, but that’s how progressive you guys are. Right? You don’t have any idea. Right? Like, let’s play a game. I’ll just name different people you see and see the slides that come into your head, right? Construction worker. Sports fan. Painter. Skateboarder. Lesbian. Right? It all goes blank. Is that a lesbian? Am I a…? I mean, I have gay friends, but I’ve never noticed any sort of a throughline.

Listen, people, I’m not saying all lesbians look alike. I would never say some ignorant shit like that. However, I am saying, though, every once in a while, there’s a fucking layup. Right? Flattop, wallet chain, fuckin’ walking up the street. Right? But even then, I’m not saying 100%. But gun to my head, I gotta go lesbian. Gotta go lesbian. Final answer, final answer, show me “lesbian.” Right?

So, anyway… She’s fuckin’ walkin’ up the street. I’m comin’ down, right? And it’s clear to me that if we keep walking the way we’re walking, we’re gonna bump into each other. I don’t wanna bump into a woman, I don’t want to bump into anybody in New York, so I do the gentlemanly thing. I clock what’s going on, so I just gradually shift over into my lane. Now everything’s fine, right? But then the weirdest thing happened. We walk like another 30 yards, and all of the sudden, she drifts back into my lane again. And I’m sitting there walking like, “Wow, that was kind of crazy.” “Thought I solved this problem.” All right, so I fuckin’ dip into another lane again. Okay, I’m walking, we go another 30 yards, she comes back into my lane again. So now I’m up against the curb. So now I’m thinking, how do I do the politically correct math here? What am I supposed to be doing here? Am I supposed to step off into the bike lane and have some young kid on his electric bicycle come by, forty miles an hour, run me over, I go down to the pavement, knees and elbows? And for the rest of my life, every time it rains, I gotta think about this lesbian that walked me off the fuckin’ block? Is that what I’m supposed to do? Am I supposed to give up the whole sidewalk? Like, “Oh, your gayness!” Right? Or do I stiffen up my shoulder and protect my lane? Right?

Now, I’m not proud of this, but I chose the latter, all right? I was like, “Look, I’m 53.” “I moved twice. I have an AARP card. I’m the fuckin’ victim here.” So… I stiffen up the shoulder and immediately I’m thinking this is gonna get crazy. I’ve never done this with a female before. This is in public, people are gonna see this shit, what’s gonna happen? But I’m not going to lie, she started closing in, she was moving, so I like leaned in, like I really got my legs underneath me, ’cause she was built like a janitor and I was not gonna get spun around. I wasn’t gettin’ spun around. Not having that on the fuckin’ logbook, right? So I lean into this shit, and at the last second, she turned her shoulder and we just missed shoulders, but our forearms still slapped together with significant enough force that it warranted a turnaround. Okay? Now, I know most of you guys drive, so I will break down pedestrian etiquette really quickly in New York City. This is the deal, if you’re walking down the street in New York, you’re walking and you just sort of brush sleeves with somebody, you don’t have to stop. Just look over your shoulder, “Sorry, man, my bad, have a nice day.” Right? Then there’s the next level. Moves up a little bit. You’re walking down the street, you actually bump into somebody, you actually have to turn around, “Sorry, I didn’t see you.” A little dojo bow, “My bad.” Whatever you have to do… “My sensei”… to keep it from escalating. And then there’s the last one. You’re just walking down the street and you hit so fuckin’ hard, you gotta turn around and go like old-school Dustin Hoffman-De Niro, like, “Hey, I’m fuckin’ walkin’ here! Huh?” “I fuckin’ moved twice, you didn’t see that?” “You drifted two times, huh?”

So I turn around to have this confrontation, and let me tell you something, she never looked back. And I’m not gonna lie to you, that bugged me. That bugged me for like three days. Three days, I’m just walking around New York, “Goddamn fuckin’ bullshit, there’s no fuckin’ way you didn’t do that on purpose!” “Who does that, who drifts?” You know? And I’m feeling this anger, it’s just burning me up, and I know eventually it’s gonna settle in my chest, and then one more time it’s gonna be, “I sorry, Dada, I sorry.” It’s like I can’t do this to my daughter, I can’t do this to my kids.

So I started reading up on anger. Like, “how to let go of this,” I think is what I Googled. And I found empathy. If you have empathy for somebody, you put yourself in their shoes, you can just, you know, figure out where they’re coming from, where you’re coming from, meet in the middle, so I said, here we go, let me put myself in her shoes. What would cause somebody to accidentally drift into your lane twice? You know, so I just started throwing shit on the wall. Did she have a clubfoot? No. Did she just have a stroke? Did she have Bell’s palsy of her left side? You know? Was she a mummy? Did she have a wooden leg? You know? Is she one of those fuckin’ diagonal walkers? You get behind them at the airport, they’re walkin’ too slow, you go around to the right, they start dragging their suitcase over there. You go over to the left, they’re coming back this way, you know? It’s like they just got off a ship. And everything was just like, no, no, no, cut! Right? And I was still mad. I was still fuckin’ mad. So I said, “Who gives a shit? I don’t give a fuck.” Lied to myself, said I didn’t give a fuck, you know? So then I ended up going home. Then I’m washing the dishes, which is a very Zen-like thing to do. It’s a week later, you wash dishes, you’re not thinking of anything. Your brain is empty, I’m washing the dishes, and then all of the sudden, the answer just came to me. It just floated into my head, and I just looked up. I was like, “Oh, my God. I know why she did it.” I know why she bumped into me. She bumped into me because she’s a lesbian. It was right there. I was, like, looking nine miles down the street, looking under shrubs. It was right in front of my face. She did it because she’s a lesbian. All right, so judging by most of your silence, I will do this math for you, come on. Let’s have a little empathy here. Put yourself in a lesbian’s shoes, all right? Who do lesbians date? Women. Who do they move in with? Women. Who do they get in relationships with? Women. Who do they eventually marry? Women. And I was thinking like, “Oh, my God. I did that.” I know what the fuck that’s like. I know what it’s like to live with one of those fuckin’ things. I know exactly what that… it’s hopeless. Trying to make them happy. “Hey, I bought you this shiny thing. Did I do it right, huh?” Trying to get them to take responsibility for their actions. Not gonna happen. The best you’re gonna get is, “I’m sorry, but…” I know what it’s like to be winning a fuckin’ argument, you’re winning, and then they turn it around, they’re crying, you’re apologizing. You’re thinking, what the fuck just happened? How am I losing this shit? I had you on the ropes. You feel so dumb, you got to go for a walk. And you’re just thinking, how did I lose again? How did I lose again? And then you figure it out, it makes you feel stupid, and then you see some bald idiot with a giant orange mustache, you’re like, “You know what, why don’t you take some of that shit?” “You take some of that fuckin’ anger.” Yeah. I feel so stupid that I got mad at that woman. I shouldn’t have got mad at her, I should have bought her a beer. And just listen to her troubles and had empathy and be like, “It’s not your fault. You married a woman, I did it too.” “You’re not gonna win. There’s no winning this.” Yeah. I’m telling you, if you don’t believe me, do a little people-watching. Take a look at the look on the average lesbian’s face. I don’t mean a lesbian in her twenties, she’s got her life ahead of her, she’s got Christmas in her eyes, right? I mean, a lesbian about 35, 36, starting to settle in to what the deal’s gonna be, right? And then look across the bar, find a married guy about the same age. Look at the look on his face. Look at the look on her face, go back to his face. It’s the same fuckin’ look. Yeah. And then look at gay guys. Some of the happiest people I’ve ever met in my life. They’re almost too happy. It’s like, “Hey, how’s it going?” They’re like, “Hi!” Almost floating across the room with that lack of estrogen just yanking down your fuckin’ dreams. No. Now, look, it might be a front. I’m not saying all gay guys are just blissfully happy, but it’s looking like a pretty good time to me. Dude, they’re some of the most positive people I’ve ever met in my life. Any idea you have, they support it. They’re just like, “Yes, yes, queen, yes!” “You’re fierce, you can do it!” Lesbians are up in the bar like a bunch of jaded cops. “It’s all fuckin’ bullshit.” “What the fuck was I thinking?” “U-Hauling after ten days, moving in. What the fuck was I thinking?” “She’s crazy!” No, I’m telling you, I think married men and lesbians need to start hanging out more, and we gotta put our heads together and try to solve our common problem, the women in our lives. So we can somehow attain the perceived happiness of the average gay dude out there. Yeah. So, if you believe in that shit, I’ll give you some advice. If you’re gonna expand your fuckin’ world of friends, I’ll give you some advice. You can’t just hang out with any lesbian. All right? You gotta make sure you’re hanging out with the dude in the relationship, right? And by “dude,” I’m not saying she’s manly, I’m not being ignorant. By “dude,” I just mean she’s the one that gets blamed for most of the shit. Right? ‘Cause no relationship is balanced. Somebody is getting away with more. Somebody’s drafting behind the other. It’s like a bike race. Somebody else is taking the fuckin’ weather in the face. [imitates fanfare] Right? Somebody else is fuckin’ right behind. “Oh, yeah, it really is wet.” Just kind of hiding under your fuckin’ poncho. Male-female, female-female, they-they, whatever the fuck it is you’re into. Every relationship, there’s the person that does the dishes and the person that lets them soak. Right? They don’t let them soak. They know you’re gonna do ’em. They’re just waitin’ you out. After a while, you can’t fuckin’ take it anymore. They’re just sitting there. You gotta go start doing them. Then what do they do? They sit in the other room and wait, like they don’t know what you’re doing, and wait till they hear pots and pans, and that’s when the show starts. That’s when they come running in like, “What?” “I was gonna do those!” And you’re like, “No, you weren’t. They’ve been sitting here eight hours.” “I got my hands in room-temperature water with scrambled eggs floating around.” “Don’t gaslight me, you’re a fuckin’ animal.” “You were raised by animals, get out of my sight.” “Don’t yell at me!” Right? Yes. Every relationship has the person that will take the trash bag out of the trash barrel and do a little… Tie it off and then leave it slumped against the counter. Like it took two behind the ear in a mob hit, just… And then there’s the person that actually picks it up and takes it out to the curb at night and puts it in the trash can, right? My wife’s hilarious, I love her, but she’s got some of the worst excuses ever. “Why don’t you ever take out the trash?” She goes, “I would, I’m just afraid of coyotes.” “I’m afraid of the coyotes.” It’s like, “So am I! So am I!” “They’re rabid dogs.” “They hunt in packs of twos and threes.” “You don’t do it ’cause you don’t wanna do it ’cause you know I’m gonna do it, just get the fuck away from me, please.” I’m telling you… So, anyway… I know I said a lot of divisive shit here tonight, so before I get out of here, before I get out of here, I want to… Let’s bring the room together. It’s a very divisive time. Everyone wants to feel safe. Let’s do a nice, normal, mainstream topic, so everybody can drive home happy, no fights, all right? Sound good? All right, great. Let’s talk abortion. There you go. Everybody has an opinion. “It’s my body, it’s my right.” “Well, then fuckin’ drive to Arkansas, bitch!” Right? Everybody has an opinion. As do I, and I apologize that you’re gonna have to listen to mine. Because… I’m gonna tell you right now. I have a really weird take on abortion. I’m gonna tell you that right from the get-go, okay? I’m 100% pro-choice, always have been.

[women cheering]

Ladies, I said it was weird. For the love of God. Stop getting in the trunk in the car. Wait till the end. You’re supposed to vet me first. Whoo! Fuckin’ feet out the sunroof. I said I had a weird take. Pro-choice always made sense to me ’cause I don’t like people telling me what to do, and I was just like, it’s your body. Who the fuck am I to tell you what to do with your body? So that always made sense. All right? However, I still think you’re killing a baby. See? That’s where it gets weird. Like, I sit on the fence and the whole thing makes sense to me. When anybody’s saying, like, “Don’t tell me what to do.” “It’s my body, my choice.” That’s right, man, she’s right. Leave her the hell alone. “Well, you’re killin’ a baby!” Well, I mean, there is that. You know? If we’re gonna be honest, that is the whole purpose of the procedure. You’re not going in there ’cause you got an earache. You’re going in there ’cause “I got a baby in me, get it the fuck out of there!” Right? You walk in with the baby, you come out without one. What happened to the baby, right? Something fuckin’ happened. So… Pro-choice people like, “Well, it’s not a life yet.” “It’s not a baby yet if…” I don’t know what they say. “Before you do it the first Thursday or the last Tuesday and you spin around one time.” They dance between the right trucks. “It’s not a baby yet,” that’s what they say, which may or may not be true. I don’t know, I’m not a doctor, but I’ll tell you, my gut tells me that doesn’t make sense. It’s not a baby yet. That would be like if I was making a cake and I poured some batter in a pan and I put it in the oven, and then five minutes later you came by and you grabbed the pan, you threw it across the floor. And I went, “What the fuck?! You just ruined my birthday cake.” And then you’re like, “Well, that wasn’t a cake yet.” It’s like, “Well, it would have been.” “If you didn’t do what you just did, there would have been a cake in 50 minutes.” “Something happened to that cake, you cake-murdering son of a bitch!” Right? Now, before all you pro-life people get excited, I think it’s great you’re killing your babies. It’s fantastic. Help Mother Nature out. There’s too many of us. It’s been 130 degrees out. Animals are going extinct. There’s plastic in the fuckin’ ocean. We don’t need any more fuckin’ people. And especially, if you’re honest with yourself, have you done anything great with your life? Is the person you’re banging doing anything great? The answer to both of those questions is no, what are the odds you’re gonna make a great person? I’m not saying you’re gonna make a bad person, you’re just gonna make another person that doesn’t go when the light turns green ’cause they’re staring at their fuckin’ phone.

All right, I’m out of time. You guys were awesome. Thank you so much. Thank you, thank you. This was amazing.

[cheering, whistling]

Thanks again. Thank you for coming out, everybody. I really appreciate it, good night.

[emcee] Bill Burr!

[audience cheering]

[cheering fades]


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Nikki Glaser: Someday You'll Die (2024)

Nikki Glaser: Someday You’ll Die (2024) | Transcript

Nikki Glaser explores a variety of personal topics, such as her choice not to have children, the stark realities of aging, her sexual fantasies, and her thoughts on mortality—all presented in her characteristically hilarious, unapologetic, and brutally honest style.

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