[crowd cheering] [heavy rock music] – Let’s get you going here, hey. Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! [screaming] [cheers and applause] Let’s go! [cheers and applause] [heavy rock music] ** [cheers and applause] – Yeah, right? [cheers and applause] Wow. That… [chuckles] That was a lot of bravado for a fat guy who’s gonna sit down and tell dick stories. But why not, right? Might be my only one, so we might as well go big. How about it for Zero Fucks, everybody? My friends. [cheers and applause] Dave-O, Adam, and Adair. Wow, we did it, Webster Hall, huh? No shit. My very bizarre fan base is here. Purple hair, this fucking DJ. An Asian guy with long hair and a beard. You better know karate. Hot black chick next to a hot I’m guessing some sort of Middle Eastern something. Three snowboarders, an awkward black guy, and loners. That pretty much sums it up. Show me a fat Asian, we got this thing covered. This guy’s gonna be my favorite all night. I feel it. I bet you got crazy stories. Just finger-blasting girls with angel wings and shit. I know you’ve got DJ stories. One of these girls your chick? That’s your girl right there? Nice. Married, no. Thank God, right? Is this your chick? both: No. – You wish, though, right, dude? How hot is that chick? With your nervous energy, it’s never gonna happen. I like to foster love, but that just looks uncomfortable. I don’t know, dude. Try to make a move. You know her, right? – Yeah. – She’s your buddy. – Yeah. – That sucks. I don’t know. How old are you, sweetie? – 18. – 18? That’s–you’re dumb. Like, what do you mean this guy is your friend? This guy’s creepily hanging out, waiting for you to make a 19-year-old dumb decision. Have fun. I’m not here to goddamn judge. Why do I give a shit, right? You guys are in love. That’s all that matters. You gonna get married and all that shit? You’re engaged already? – Not yet. – Not yet, but you already know you’re going to. That’s serious as hell. How long you been together? – Six years. – Six years? How old are you? – 27. – 27? Don’t get married to the chick you found when you were 21. That has no chance of working out, dude. There’s no way. Were you just crushing puss at 15 or something? What a dummy. Why would you do that? How old are you, sweetie? – 27. – 27 also. – You were 21. You were ready to shut it down for this dude. Wow. Were you a raging whore when you were younger? Now I feel bad asking. You made such a shameful face. Good for you. You’re gonna do it, dude. Good for you. Kids, the whole thing, you want, right? Don’t do that. I did that 13 years ago. It is quite a price… for some sweet, sweet pussy, dude. That is quite a price. What kind of kids you want, boys, girls? You don’t give a shit as long as they’re healthy, right? – Yes. – Lies. You want a boy so bad.
I only have a girl, and I want a boy. I don’t even want any more kids. I just wish she was a boy. I tell her that every day… not with words, with actions. I peg her in the chest with a football. When she’s rolling around on the ground, I’m like, “If you were a dude, you’d have caught that.” And then I step over her like Iverson in the Finals. “Get up. You just got faced.” I have a daughter. It’s cool, I guess, to some degree. She plays sports, but… she plays soccer. – Whoo! – Really, whoo? 13-year-old girls’ soccer, dude? Do you know how boring 13-year-old girls’ soccer is? The same exact boring as adult men’s professional soccer. Extraordinarily. Three hours for 0-0 scores. But you got to support. I show up for the last five minutes of the game, and I run up, and I’m like, “All right, I’m here. Don’t be a whore. “You don’t have to blow everybody. “I’m here, I love you. You shouldn’t feel abandoned.” You know. “Give you some money, I’ll help you with your homework. “Just, please, don’t blow everybody. But, God, I can’t watch this whole game.” Life and the world would be an easier place if she was a boy, man. Girls make father’s lives very difficult with things they don’t even know. They don’t even realize they’re making it difficult. Laundry. Can’t do laundry anymore with my daughter’s stuff. It’s just uncomfortable. Looking how I look and folding little-girl underwear does not appear as if I’m doing a good deed. It looks like I’m, like, organizing the trophies from all my victims. “Ah, I remember her. Pigtails, Central Park.” Sometimes it’s the first time I hear it too. Folding little-girl underwear made me feel like I have just a mustache, if you know what I mean. Just-a-mustache, the most divisive piece of facial hair. It’s weird, the just-a-mustache. It’s coming back in the hipster community, I think. But it’s always off-putting. Although, sometimes in life, you want to see a guy with just a mustache. But sometimes you do not. Like, if your house is on fire, you hope to God you see a guy with just a mustache floating around, ’cause he knows how to help or radio for somebody who can. But if you’re dropping your kids off at, like, practice, you do not want to see a guy with just a mustache in an abandoned ice cream truck with binoculars, yelling at the cops, he’s 100 yards away. “I’m 100 yards away. Lay off, fuzz.” [laughter] “Lay off me, fuzz. I’m within my legal limits.” “Just gorgeous athletes.” That’s how I feel folding little-girl underwear… like I’m in an abandoned ice cream truck. I stopped when she was 11. She’s 13 now. When she was 11, I stopped doing laundry with her shit in it, ’cause the last time I was folding her laundry, I’m folding hear underwear– already weird– I start noticing these huge holes in her underwear, which sucks because I got to find out why that is. I’m her father. I can’t let that go. I have to ask, and I know the answer’s not gonna be good. She’s not gonna tell me some awesome answer for why there’s holes in her underwear. Like, “Oh, Dad, I forgot to tell you, I invented sharp farts.” Like, yeah. Show me. We can share everything now. Take me into your world. That was not the answer, by the way–sharp farts. I wish. You know why there was huge holes in her underwear? She was 11 at the time. She goes to the bathroom by herself. I guess sometimes she doesn’t wipe that great. Little shit stain in her underwear. But instead of throwing the underwear out, she cuts the shit stain out with scissors, ’cause she’s embarrassed of a shit stain, but not embarrassed to walk around in crotchless panties all day. And for weeks, in the garbage, I’ve been seeing little shit-covered Hannah Montana faces and shitty Tinker Bells. And I just thought she was doing voodoo or something, which I was intrigued by.
Kids, man, don’t have them. I already got mine. She’s here now. I love her. It’s too late. But if you can avoid it, dude, avoid it. I don’t know what kids are gonna become anymore, anyway. We’re only making a generation of assholes. They don’t want to be anything important anymore. Kids, the YouTube generation, everybody wants to be famous. My daughter’s lazy. All kids are lazy now. They just want to be famous quick. My daughter doesn’t want to be a doctor or a lawyer. She wants to be Rihanna. And granted, she could take a punch, but… talent, that does not make. [cheers and applause] Don’t applaud her. It’s my good jaw genetics. We’re a scrappy-jawline family. Kids are lazy, but you got to teach them to not be. That’s what I try to do. I try to be a good dad, try to teach her to not be lazy, and she’s lazy a lot. She came home last year from school one day, and I was like, “Walk the dog.” And she goes out with the dog for, like, a minute, which is not enough time. She comes in, and I go, “Hey, the dog’s got to shit. You got to take the dog out.” She goes, “She did.” And I know she’s lying already, because I can see that look in her eyes. The problem with kids now is, all those shows on TV make the dads like dopes. She watches all that Disney Channel horseshit, and literally it’s like the kids are, like, sneaking out and the dad’s, like, stuck in a water bed, like, “How do you work this crazy thing?” [mumbling] Like, “Dumb dad. Let’s go fucking do blow off hooker puss.” [laughs] So she goes, “The dog did go to the bathroom.” And I know she’s lying, and I go, “Yeah? “Why didn’t you pick it up? You didn’t bring a bag out.” And she goes, “I’ll pick it up.” She walks outside with a bag. And I go outside to smoke a cigarette and watch, ’cause I know she’s lying already. And she comes over to the trash can with a bag that I know has no shit in it at all, whatsoever. But she’s so cocky and thinks that I’m an idiot, that she waves the bag at me, like as if to show me, like, “Look, idiot, here’s the shit.” And that bag is just flopping around like “American Beauty.” There was nothing in it. And I go, “What are you talking about?” I go, “There’s no shit in that bag.” And she goes, “Oh, it must have fell.” And then I just see her, like, scurrying around lawns, trying to find something to give this bag some heft. And finally, I’m like, “Cut the shit. “It’s over, it’s done. “There’s no poop out here on this car. “Get inside. “I’m gonna teach you a lesson right now about being lazy. “That’s just you being lazy, “and you want to be a singing celebrity. Let me show you something.” And I sat her down on the couch, and I watched an episode of America’s Got Talent with her. There was a girl, like, two or three years ago who came out and played House of the Rising Sun on a keyboard and sang with the voice of an adult. I would have paid $100 a ticket to see her the next day. That’s how amazing this girl was. And I made my daughter watch the whole performance. And when it was over, I’m like, “Do you see now? “Do you understand? “If you’re not lazy and you work hard “and you try your best, “you can never do what this kid is doing, “because she’s focused and has talent, “and you’re lying to me about a bag of shit. Just know where you come from, dummy.” But her mom pumps her up. Her mom’s like, “You could be whatever you want, baby. You could be an astronaut.” And I got to speak reason, like, “Whoa, whoa, whoa. “Small-business owner, tops. “Let’s not gas her up. “Astronaut? What do you think you’re dealing with here?” She has Justin Bieber posters. She’s not above and beyond. [chuckles]
She’s a good kid. You know, I try to instill good things in her. I wouldn’t let this shit be happening, this friendship nonsense. I’d tell her that guys aren’t your friends. They’re always looking to fuck in some way. How long you been friends for with this guy? – About a year. – A year. That’s good patience, bro. You are hanging in there good. Do you know this Asian long-hair guy too? No, he’s much more interesting, though, isn’t he? Look at him, he’s so weird. I bet he knows how to do two-sword stuff, where he just spins it all around. Those crazy fan dances. * Boon-bing-boon-boon * Boon-bing-bing Lives in a house made of bamboo and tissue. “Oh, please, no shoes.” [laughter] [exhales deeply] This guy’s great. A year of friendship, that’s cool. And you think he’s your friend. You believe that in your heart of hearts, that he’s your friend. – Yes? – Yes. So if you were like, “Hey, we should totally fuck,” he’d be like, “No way, bud. “What are you talking about bro-skiff? I don’t even look at it like that, home slice.” He’d say yes. – Yeah, no. – I would say all of those things. – Yeah, but he’s like– is that a friend, honestly, if he would fuck? – Then I have no male friends. – Yeah, you have no male friends, exactly right. You said it. These are all guys waiting for you to cash in. We’re not your friends. Young girls, you guys give all great excuses for how a guy is your friend too. Those are my favorite. They’ll be like, “What do you mean he’s not my friend? He helped me move apartments twice.” I’m like, “Oh, my God.” That guy was so furious those nights after you didn’t fuck him. He thought that was the day. And then he’s lugging your shitty IKEA furniture up five flights, while your gay friend’s laughing at him. “Ha ha. You want to fuck her. She’s not gonna.” You need to jerk off with a sore back. Breaking up one pizza amongst 12 other shitheads that fucking think they’re fucking her too. I’ve helped fucking chicks move before. I know that game. “We’re all getting laid.” And they’re just fucking splitting a pizza 12 ways, 8 slices. This guy’s not your friend. Hook up with him. Why not? What’s wrong with him? – Not my type. – He’s not your type? What does that mean? What’s your type? [crowd groaning] Don’t listen to this crowd. Crowds don’t even know what the hell they’re talking about. They’re trying to bully you into fucking a guy you might not want to fuck. “Aw, come on, he’s not your type? “Just suck his dick, whatever. “You’re 18. Who cares? Live.” [cheers and applause] What? “Yeah, get her on the pinball machine. Let’s take her to task.” She’s 18, you pieces of shit. Maybe she’s not ready for that. Whew. Cut this friendship off, dude. End the sham. We just resolved the problem for you. It’s never gonna happen. Maybe tonight. You should fuck this guy tonight. [cheers and applause] Well, listen, you’re a young girl. I’m not forcing you or telling you to do anything. I’m just saying you should. But I say that because that’s the best wingman I could be to this guy. That’s the best I can do, do you understand? Because now he has a reason to bring it up to you later. And throw me under the bus, dude. I don’t give a shit. I don’t care if you use me. You can be like, “Remember that fat asshole “said we should fuck tonight? That guy was obnoxious, if you ask me.” [laughter] [chuckles] “You know, it would be funny, though, if we did, “because we could always be like, “‘Remember we went to that show and the guy said the thing, “and then we did it?’ We’ll always have that thing.” Maybe, dude. You never know, it might work. How great would that be? If not, just end this friendship. It’s ridiculous. We’re not your friends. Young girls argue that all the time.
A lot of guy-girl roommates in this city, not fucking, just living together as friend roommates. That’s insanity to me. That is asinine, to live with a girl you’re not fucking. Fellas, if you do that, and I mean this– harsh sentence here, but hear me out. Fellas, if you live with a girl you’re not fucking, you have no respect for women. You have no respect for them. You don’t know what you’re capable of. Men, we’re garbage. And you got to know what you’re capable of. Listen, when men have our– when our balls are full– This is a hackneyed subject at this point, but it’s just the facts of life. When our balls are full, we are a different human being than when our balls are empty. Does that make sense at all? So the girl you live with has to be a girl you’re fucking, or else weird stuff’s gonna happen. When our balls get full, we’re not the same person as when they’re empty. When our balls are empty, that’s when we’re the person that our parents made. When my balls are empty is when I’m doing everything good in life. I pay my bills. I shoot hoops. I say hi to friends. I high-five a lot of people. When your balls are full– that’s why guys, like, jerk off so much. You just got to, like, change that state of mind and get back into the world functioning, empty-balled again. And when our balls are full, we’ll do fucked-up shit. And to live with a girl who’s just your friend, like, you’re gonna fuck that friendship up. I know you will. I would. If I had a girl roommate who I wasn’t fucking, two seconds, I’d ruin that. First time she’s like, “Hey, I’m going to my parents’ house for the weekend,” 20 minutes after she leaves, I’m gonna go smell all of her panties. Then… then I’m gonna rub her vibrators on my face while I jerk off with a fist wrapped in her dirty underwear. [laughter] Yeah. It’s horrible. And don’t even waste your time judging me on that, for a few reasons. One, I’ve never done that. I’m just telling you that’s what I would do. And two, there’s no reason to judge it because I would judge myself. Do you get it? That’s the whole full-balls, empty-balls thing. The juxtaposition, right? As soon as I was done jerking off in her room, I’d be like, “Oh, my God, what the fuck have I just done? “This is my friend’s end table. “What am I doing? “My buddy! She trusted me, and I ruined it!” Then I would clean up meticulous. And I would try to stack the dildos back the way I found them. Like, “Oh, my God, I should have took a picture.” I would turn off the light switch with a tissue, and I would step out in my own footprints. And I would be appalled at myself, judging myself for you. Like, “How can you do that to your friend? “She trusted you around her stuff, “and she’s gone, and you ruined it, man. “You spoiled the sanctity of your friendship. “Well, you know what? She’s gone the rest of the weekend. “No big deal. “I cleaned up, it’s over. Never again, lesson learned.” And 30 minutes later, I’ll be right back in that room, rubbing dildos on my face. Just shaking my head in the mirror like, “Do I know me, or do I know me?” And I’ll clean up meticulous after that time, and I’ll leave the room again. And every time, I’ll leave that room believing that I’m never going back in that room again. I’ll believe it when I say it. But I will be jerking off in that room every half hour on the half hour until moments before she comes home. It’ll be a race for the clock. ‘Cause that’s how our balls work. They fill up, we make terrible decisions. Then they’re empty in this big explosion of, like, you know– And you have this moment of clarity where you’re like, “Where the fuck am I? Chinatown?” Then they fill up again. You’re like, “Oh, right, Chinatown. “Good call. “Good call, earlier full balls. Nailed it.” And our balls win. We are not to be trusted. We’re not your friends. If you call this guy tonight like, “Dude, let me come by and suck your dick,” he’d be like, “Yep.” He wouldn’t even be like, “Why? “What’s changed? Are things different now? Are we seeing each other?” He’d be like, “Get over here.” That’s not friendship.
Friendship doesn’t have that kind of sexual tension. Real friendship does not have that. My best friend’s name is Dave. If Dave called me at 2:00 a.m. and was like, “Dude, let me come by and suck your dick,” I’d be like, “I’m gonna have to say no, Dave.” Because we’re friends. And that friendship’s real, man. That friendship means something to me. That’s real. I know it’s real. ‘Cause if me and Dave weren’t friends, I’d be like, “Yeah, dude, come over here.” I’m a liberal dude. He’s a good-enough-looking guy with soft lips. I bet he sucks a mean dick. But then what happens? What happens then? Dave’s sucking my dick. He probably gets a boner. I can’t let my boy go home with a boner. Now I have to suck his dick. Now we’re sucking each other’s dicks, and we’re not even gay. We’re not gay. We’re not gay, man. We’re not gonna do that for long before we’re like, “Dude, what are we doing, man? “P’ugh. What are we doing here? Let’s stop wasting time and start plowing some ass.” So I’m gonna have to let him fuck me first, because I’m the fat chick in this story. So I’m gonna have to lay back with my ankles in the air, knees akimbo, while Dave takes these long, rhythmic pounds into my shitter. Sweetie. These long, rhythmic pounds into my shitter. I thought I lost you for a second. But I’m bigger than Dave, so eventually I’m gonna want to dominate him. I’m gonna flip Dave over. I’m gonna start tagging him in his knuckly ass and then pull out, shoot a couple ropes of friendship across his butt cheeks, and then… collapse my tit-sweat-covered chest across his spiny and rib-cagey back. I know. Sounds like a great night. Sounds fantastic. But I can’t cross that line, because we’re friends. Real friends, right? I got to think about tomorrow, when I want to hang out and play video games with my friend Dave, but I can’t even look him the eye because I’m still picking his butt hairs out of my pee hole. Not worth it. Hey, look, you don’t have to laugh at that. I’m happy you even sat through it, honestly. That is a really tough one to get through. Yeah. [cheers and applause] I appreciate it. I appreciate you guys not walking out on that one. That is tough to hear front to back. You know who really hates hearing that joke? My friend Dave. It’s his least favorite of all my jokes. He’s like, “Man, that was very vivid.” I’m like, “Right? “It just came to me too, dude. I didn’t even write it down or nothing.” [laughter] “It was weird, man. I just improv’d that shit.” Straight-up improv.
That was good. You guys are great. What a fun crowd. There’s love in the air some places. Indoor hat like a snowboarder– that’s pretty cool. These guys over here– it’s all indoor winter hats. What’s going on, guys? Is Blink-182 coming back around or something? These guys are so emo. I dig them. Is this your girlfriend? Wife? You guys are way too young for that crazy shit. How old are you? – 26. – 26? How long you married for? – Four years. – Four years? Where the fuck are you guys from? Better be a bomb shelter or something, whatever it is. Trying to restart your own society or something. Why? So young. Where you from? – Cape Cod. – Cape Cod, you are isolated. No one comes there till the leaves change colors. Cape Cod. You rich sons of bitches. Was this an arranged thing? Your dad owns, like, a boat dealership, and her dad’s a hardware magnate or something? Is that the right word? Cape Cod– isn’t that ritzy out there? – It depends. – Unless you’re born there. – You were born there? – Yeah. – Oh, yeah, that’s right. I watched that– Was that Cape Cod, that heroin documentary that came out? Oh, my God. That’s one of the funniest things I’ve ever heard in my life. People falling apart, addicted to heroin, from Cape Cod, with that accent. “Ah, I’m disappointing my mah. “She thought I was gonna play for the Sox, but, you know, here I am, banging junk into my ah-rm.” “If you shoot it right in the yah, you get higher quicker.” Thank you, Dan Soder, for making me do voices. [cheers and applause] I’m sure I’m just doing a shitty impression of something he does way better. Good for you guys– Cape Cod. You have kids and shit already, huh? – Yeah. – Fuck, you just threw it all away so young, man. Last vag the rest of your life. You’re into it, though, right? Who cares? Did you hook up with an Asian girl before you got married? No? – No Asians. – No Asians? What an idiot. There’s no Asians on Cape Cod? None? There’s no casino riverboat or something? Never banged an Asian chick, and you got married? That’s gonna ruin your marriage at some point, man. It’s gonna fall apart. Aren’t you curious? Why would you marry some not-Asian girl before you see one time in your life how big your dick looks in teeny-tiny Asian-girl hands? Before you marry some white girl and those–pardon me if I say– catcher’s mitts that she calls hands… All these goddamn pigs. Look at them. It’s like getting jerked off with Hulk fists. Be ashamed of yourselves. Not you, Asian girl. You be loud and proud. Those little, tiny doll hands. Fucking white girl jerks you off, looks like she’s gonna arm-wrestle your dick at a truck stop for ownership of an 18-wheeler. The thumb’s over the top. She turned her hat backwards. [laughter] It’s like a switch goes off, and you just… Not Asian girls, man. They look at every dick like it’s a palm tree they got to climb to save themselves from a village flood. It’s like, “Oh, help! ‘Virrage frood’!” You tell me two funnier words to say in a racist Asian accent than “village flood.” There’s so many Ls. “Virrage frood”? You pick two better words than… Asian girls are so hot. Not even interested, though, huh? You don’t give a shit. Dude, they’re amazing. Pubes like kitten fur– true story. You can lay your head on their belly, blow through it like a wheat field. [blowing softly] It’s like a fabric softener commercial. And it stays wherever you blow it, like when a cat walks in front of a fan. Like… [blows softly] It’s like, “Mm. This is so relaxing.” It’s the best kind of bush. You know the second best? Black girls–nice. That’s interesting pubes, man. Looks like crumbled up hamburger meat– every hair. Each hair is its own individual coil. It’s amazing. It’s like a whole bunch of those things that were behind the door when you were a kid. Like, b-r-r-r-r-r. B-r-r-r-r, b-r-r-r-r-r… B-r-r-r, b-r-r-r-r-r. B-r-r-r-ahh. [laughter] I’m a bush guy. But every girl shaves her pussy bald now, which is weird. I know porn told you that’s the way to play it, but you shouldn’t do that. Every girl goes bald. So not unique. You’re all just following– I see a zillion different head hairstyles here on the women. Why do you think you should all have bald pussies? Porn? That’s our best and our brightest pussies. Before you shave your pussy bald– And don’t do this for me. Do this for your husbands and boyfriends and fiancés. Before you shave your pussy bald, take a good look at your pussy in the mirror, because if I’m being honest– and this is harsh. If I’m being honest, some of your pussies need hair. Some faces need a beard. Some pussies need hair. [cheers and applause] Yeah, I need a beard. I need one. That’s how you know I have a jawline, or I’m all face and neck, like a thumb wearing shoes. Some pussies need a beard. You ever see a ginger chick with no bush? It’s freaky. They’re too pale. It’s almost see-through. You need a bush so you know where the pussy starts, or you have no idea. Just a belly button, then a long white stomach. Then out of nowhere, these blue lightning strikes of veins going down the front of her fetus-like thin pussy skin. It’s freaky. You can see her heart beating right through her fucking box. You’re like… You’re like, “Oh, shit. You are worked up, lady.” Some pussies need a beard– trust me– especially up here. We’re in New York, man. New York winter– are you kidding me? Who wants a cold, bald winter puss? Just bald and freezing cold. You go to eat your chick’s puss, you get your tongue stuck like “Christmas Story.” “Ah…ahh!” Got to have a neighborhood kid come in, pour hot water on your face. And he’s gonna tell everybody. He’s running right outside. “Old Man Oakerson had his tongue stuck to this chick’s pussy.” [laughing] Old Man Oakerson. Grow a bush, ladies. Give it a shot. Why not? What do you got to lose? Who gives a shit?
I got to go old. If I like a bush, I got to go old. I got to go for older chicks. You want guaranteed bush, you got to be willing to go old. I’ll go old for guaranteed bush. 75. [groans and laughter] I don’t give a shit. Don’t come with me. I’ll fuck her myself. 75-year-old has guaranteed bush. She’s too tired to shave. She goes to bed right after “Wheel of Fortune” and wakes up at the crack of 4:00 a.m. to feed a bunch of birds that never show up. She’s confused. Doesn’t know she’s inside. She’s like, “Hmm…” You’re inside, dummy. “What?” Living her old life in that big woolly muff… wrapped around an old lippy and leathery pussy. That’s right, everyone. We’re gonna test this crowd out right now. A lippy and leathery pussy… lips like Saint Bernard cheeks, just hanging down. There should be a barrel of beer under her asshole. Lips. And a big old brown clit coming out of the top, like a cigar in a war vet’s mouth. “Yeah, I’ve seen things a man shouldn’t see.” [applause] And leathery. Lippy and leathery. Leathery and lippy. Are there any Latinos here at all? [cheers and applause] Lippy y leathery. A leathery pussy. Leather. I mean, leathery. Like, if she tries to shave it, it won’t even take off the hair. It just sharpens the razor. [imitates scraping] Look at your enemies in the cold steel, cut a work boot in half.
This crowd’s pretty cool. My favorite Asian guy, how you hanging in there? Good to go? You gonna hook up with this 18-year-old chick? This guy ain’t doing shit in the middle. – What? – Too young. – She’s too young? – How old are you? – 34. – 34, is that too old for you? – Yeah. – Yeah? All right, her dad’s still alive–big deal. [scoffs] What kind of girls you like, dude? – Uh, any. – Any? You have no choice whatsoever, really? Asian girls? – Never gotten one. – Never gotten an Asian girl. How about, like, black chicks? – No. – Never, just all white girls? – Yeah. – No shit. Good for you, man. How many white girls in here have banged an Asian dude? Isn’t that crazy? One. Just one back there. And why, ’cause he wrote a term paper for you or something? Did he teach you some dark arts afterwards or something? What was it? You just did–two? At the same time? Yeah. You tried to get one normal length of dick inside of you, right? [groans, laughter]
Relax, just laugh at it. You’re fucking, “Uhh…” “Ahh…” I hate when crowds get whimpery during comedy. You should never get like that. Never do anything but just laugh. If it ain’t funny, don’t laugh. But if it was funny, laugh, but all that, like… [laughing hesitantly] Ooh. Such a waste of time. Letting words affect you at all like that is a waste of time. I’ve had so many situations where if people would just laugh and get over themselves, it would be such a better time. And also, I give you this as a lesson for life, if you want to take lessons from a guy who wears a wallet chain still. [laughter] [cheers and applause] Zero Fucks said it was cool, so… Take my advice, please. If you could learn to not let words affect you in a way that makes you, like, cringe up and ooh and ahh, it is so liberating in life. You will never lose an argument, ever, because if you have no fear of what’s coming your way, you can say whatever you want to people– horrible, terrible things. And words do hurt most people, and it’s fun to watch them just crumple into a ball as you’re saying viciously crazy things. I do this for a living, you know. So this is something where a lot of mean stuff gets thrown my way. You got to learn how to, like, just Teflon. You can’t hurt me with words– that’s for sure.
I had a thing with a guy a few years back– not even, maybe about a year ago–here in New York. He was talking during a whole show at a comedy club. They were gonna kick him out. He was there with his wife and his daughter. His daughter was an adult. And they were gonna kick him out for talking. I go, “No, I like to talk to the crowd. “Let me see if I can save this guy. “Maybe he’s an all-right dude, just a little drunk. Maybe he’s an all-right guy. Let’s try to save him.” Now, I was wrong. He was a piece of shit. But that’s hindsight. At the time, I’m like, “Let me see if I can save him.” And I said to the guy, I go, “Hey, buddy, what’s going on? Who you here with?” And he goes– with this attitude too– he goes, “My wife and my daughter.” I go, “Cool, man. How old’s your daughter?” And he goes, “None of your fucking business.” And I was like, “All right, man. “I didn’t ask you if I could butt-fuck her on your table. I just asked you how old she was.” And the girl was like, “I’m 26.” I’m like, “Okay, she’s 26. “Like, what’s the big– why are we fighting, dude? “You’re at a comedy club. “We’re just trying to have fun, right? What’s the big thing?” And I go, “I’m trying to relate to you, man. “I also have a daughter. How about that?” And he replies, he goes, “Yeah, I know. I met your daughter.” Like, implying something. And I was like, “Where, on ‘To Catch a Predator’? She’s 13.” And then I was like, “Oh, wait, you know what, dude? “She actually told me all about you. “She said she could fit her whole 13-year-old fist around your pencil dick.” [groans and laughter] Yeah, and then, just like you queefs, that crowd was like, “Whoa… “How can you say that about your daughter, man? How can you say that about your daughter?” And here’s how I can say that about my daughter. And listen up, this is a good one. It’s because I fucking made it up. It never happened. Turns out my daughter never jerked that guy off. Don’t even worry about it. If she did jerk him off, I probably wouldn’t bring it up at a comedy club to the very guy she jerked off. I’d probably handle that in some sort of a legal forum. She’s my daughter, and I love her. That’s the whole– It’s the middle of a comedy show, like, “You’re going to jail, mister. “Sorry, everyone, I’ll be right– “You son of a bitch. My apologies, it’s the man who fucked my daughter.”
You got to have a tough skin for shit like that, man. World’s too tough. If words are taking you down, you’re not ready for the world. I have people yell out– people don’t know me. They yell out all kinds of things. I had a guy yell out one time from the audience– This is like a 1950s insult. He goes, “Your mom sucks dick down by the docks.” That should have been followed by a “see.” “Your mom sucks dick by the docks, see?” I’m like, “Well, tell her to change locations.” We bringing our boys back home from the war? Like, fucking, by the docks? You trying to blow merchant marines? Like, hit the city, man. Get some foot traffic. Not gonna make any money blowing dudes by the docks. Some people are like, “How can you say something like that about your mom?” And it’s like, because my mom’s fine. I don’t know that guy. What am I supposed to do when a stranger says my mom sucks dick by the docks? Just call her right away and be like, “Mom, I just heard! What’s happening?” “Is Joe not working?” Joe’s my stepfather. Probably should have mentioned that before I brought him up.
I grew up with a stepfather. Anybody else here? [scattered cheers] Oh, sorry you all came from fantastic homes. You guys were all tennis prodigies or something here. You had a steppop? – Boyfriends of Mom. – Boyfriends of Mom– that’s even worse. What were some of their names? I bet they’re great. – There was this guy named Big Mike. – Big Mike? You had to call him that? “Hey, it’s me, Big Mike. I’ll be eating Chinese food in your mom’s room.” “If you’re wondering what that smell is, it’s Peking duck and fuck.” “I brought you a Nintendo game. Stay out of our hair.” My mom had some boyfriends growing up. She dated a lot, which was always hilarious, because I was just a little fat son wearing medium pajamas, because nobody believed I was fat. So I would just always have my shins and belly button hanging out. Some jerk-off sitting on a couch, playing my mom acoustic-guitar songs. * Lady… I’m like, “Mister, give me 20 bucks. I’ll go to bed.” “She’s good to go, bro. You just need me out of your hair.” “Oh, she’s a party, man.” Stepdad’s a good dude. Still is, Joe, great guy. Huge dick, true story. Big… real big. Was Big Mike’s dick big? You never saw it? You never got a glance? Boy, I did. I saw Joe’s dick. The room’s uncomfortable. I’m not sure why. If I brought it up in a comedy situation, it’s probably a funny story. I’m not here to break down to you. “In the middle of the show, it took a dark turn. “He just started having these memories like, ‘Oh, my God, I was just a boy.'” [laughs] I saw Joe’s dick. It was no big deal. I bet when I tell you how it happened, a lot of you are gonna feel weird for being weird about that. You’ll be like, “Oh, that makes sense. That happens. Things like this happen.” I was ten years old. My mom was at work, and Joe was holding me down and making me look at his dick. And he was like, “Scream for God.” And I tried. But God couldn’t hear me, because Joe’s balls were in my mouth, and… you try pronouncing a G with balls in your mouth. It’s damn near impossible, if not just impossible. I’m making that up. That never happened.
I did see Joe’s dick, but it wasn’t under those horrible circumstances. I saw it by accident. I grew up in an apartment, so close quarters, man. Shit happens. And I remember one day I was in the hallway of our apartment. We had a mirror on one side, bathroom door on the other. Joe was coming out of the shower. Bathroom door was open. He turned around. I looked up at the time. Bank shot off the mirror– wasn’t even a dead-on shot. And he turned around, man, and I saw his dick. And wow. It was huge. I mean, it was– came in and out of the frame when he turned around, like… [imitates whoosh] It blanked out his face for a second. It hit his thigh. It was like a Rocky punch. Like, water shattered off his leg slo-mo. Pff, pff-pff, pff, pff, pff, pff-pff-pff, pff, pff. He’s playing ball-in-a-cup. It was a big dick. And when any kid sees his stepfather’s dick is that big, I thought what any kid would think– “I wish this guy was my real dad, honestly. “I could use some of that hog in my bloodline. Man, oof.”
My dad has a little dick. And that’s what he gave to me, passed it right down. [chuckles] Just very sentimental about it. I know–I saw my dad’s dick, too, when I was younger. That’s not as weird, right? Most kids see their father’s dick. That’s how you learn how to take a shower when you’re a kid, right? Jump in with your dad, he shows you what’s up. And then at some point, that gets weird, and you get out, and you do it yourself. That’s what I did. I don’t remember how old I was when I stopped taking showers with my father. It may have been too old, in hindsight. It may have been too old. I was definitely too tall. I know that. I don’t remember all those showers, but I remember that last one. That was… [laughter] His dick hit me right in the face. I know. It seemed like I was gonna be suggestive, but I just said it– cock-slapped by my father. Not on purpose. We were in the shower. I don’t remember how old I was, but I just remember he was like, “Son, hand me the shampoo,” and I was like, “Yes, Papa.” I turned around, and his dick went boom, right in the face. And I was like, “Dude…” And if you’re old enough to call your dad “dude,” you probably shouldn’t be in the shower with him. “Dude.” [laughs] And he was like, “What?” I’m like, “What? “Your dick just hit me right in the beard, man. “What the fuck? Oh, Christ, oh, Christ.” Hi. “I’m gonna be thinking about this all day at work.” “Hey, Dad, I think I’m gonna stay at my place for a few nights.” “How old was he?”
That’s a fake story too. My apologies, everyone. I hate lying to you. I’ll tell you the true story about how I saw my dad’s dick. And it was little. I’m not lying about that. I saw it. Here’s how little it was. The situation when I saw my dad’s dick was so chaotic, I shouldn’t even have noticed that his dick was out. That’s how little it was. It drew my attention. I was a little kid. I was at his house for the weekend. And I’m up at, like, 2:00 in the morning, probably eating snacks, watching TV. And somebody started trying to violently break into the house, like, kicking in the front door violently. And I was a little nervous fat kid, and I go running for his door like, “Daddy, help! Dad, help, something terrible is happening!” And to his credit, he wanted to answer my cries. He opens the door butt-naked, and he just goes, “What is it?” And even in all my fear, I was like, “Dad, someone’s… “Oh, what? “No way, dude. Come on, really?” “Chip off the old block, asshole.” And I was like, “You know what, Dad? “Go find a hiding spot, never mind. “I’m gonna call Joe, “get some big-dick advice on how to handle this. This seems like a big-dick job.” I can’t send my dad out there to fight that guy in the nude with that little dick. I love my dad. What if that guy kills my dad? That’s our family’s legacy? Front page of the paper– “Local little-dick man dies in tragic home invasion.” And there’s his fat son covering his dad’s dick with one hand, crying and yelling at everyone.
“Stop laughing at him! Stop laughing! He’s my daddy!” “He was a good man!” Right from him. What do you do? I don’t even ask if dick size is important anymore. I know it is. That’s why I’m so envious of, like, black-dude dicks, man. They are so– Whew. What a work of art. I mean, just mind-blowing. There’s Asian girls here. I always worry about– You ever see a black penis before, sweetie? You hooked up with a black guy before? True story? Yo, this Asian girl right here. Did you really? Oh, my God. Was it terrifying? Those dicks are so big, and you’re such a tiny Asian person. When he put is dick in you, did you take the shape of his dick, like when a snake swallows a dog house? Pff! Oh… Pff! Oh, God. Oh–Pff! Jesus Christ, no, no, no, no. Oh, jeez. Just veins going up your chest and pink dick-head meat behind the whites of your eyes. “Pink dick-head meat behind the whites of your eyes.” Come on, that one had to get you. You get the concept, right? She’s so full of this hypothetical black dick, that it’s moved everything in her body out of the way, and behind her eyelids, pink dick-head meat. That’s even funny if you write that down. [laughs] Black dick, yo. You ever see one? Never, not even in film or something, huh? You never even looked it up. Is this your boyfriend, husband? Your husband, that’s good. You keep her away from it. You don’t want her to know what she’s missing. They’re out there, dude. Black dicks are everywhere. And they’re looking for white girls like you. They live in the ground like Tremors. Remember Tremors? Just lying dormant, waiting for you to play catcher in a softball game. Like, k’shh! You need Kevin Bacon and the dad from Family Ties, or you’re assed out.
I’ve seen some black dicks that have, like, changed the course of my day, just made me like, “Oh, that brought me down.” I had a thing a few months back at a club here in New York. My buddy Will was hosting the comedy show, and Will is Haitian. And I was onstage, and I was talking to him from offstage, and I go, “Will, you’re Haitian. Do you have, like, a crazy huge Haitian dick?” Because Haitian, that’s like island black dudes. So that’s like “give girls their groove back” size dick. That’s like– straighten your back out, have you typing faster and stuff. And I was like, “Do you have a big crazy Haitian dick?” And he goes, “I don’t know.” And I was like, “Do you have a cell phone picture of it?” He goes, “Yep.” And he handed me the picture. And here’s how I knew it was gonna be huge before I even focused on the dick. And it was huge. What he’s handing me, I realize quickly, is a full-body nude picture. Yeah, that silence is ’cause everyone’s impressed. And the guys are confused, because dick pics doesn’t blow anyone’s mind anymore. It’s 2016. Every guy in this room’s got a dick pic. But most of us take dick pics the same way. You want your dick to look its biggest. So you put the camera right against your dick so it takes up the whole picture, top to bottom. I leave a little room on the side so you can see, like, an apartment building or something in the distance to give it some depth and perspective. But never in my life would I show you how small my dick looks against my giant fucking body. [laughter] Just dwarfing it. But Will did. Confident, with his dick out. Confident. You know why he was so confident? True story– dick touches the top of his knee. Top of his knee. And I said out loud to the crowd, “Oh, my God, Will. Your dick is touching the top of your knee.” And you know what some idiot in the audience yelled out? I swear to you, he goes, “It’s probably hard, though.” Okay. What? Does that negate a knee-length dick to you? If it’s hard? It’s touching his knee. Sorry, everyone, false alarm. It’s just regular old knee-length boner. I thought it was– Didn’t mean to stop the presses. It’s touching his knee. That’s awesome. My dick has never touched my thighs, hard or soft. And my thighs are right here. But, funny enough, if I put my thighs together, it mushes my balls to the top, and my dick’s all short and fat, and it looks like I dropped an ice cream cone on my lap. Aw, stupid ice cream cone. Aw, now there’s hair in it. I’m joking. [laughs] I’m not sure why I had to tell you I was joking. “I’m joking.” This has been so gross. I really do– I say have a little dick a lot. And then girls come back like, “Nuh-uh.” And I’m like… And then they’re like, “Oh, eh…” I lie it down a little bit so they always go, “It’s not that bad.”
I’m very insecure. I used to ask women in the audience, as, like, a unit, just a whole group of women, I’d be like, “Hey, what’s the smallest dick you’ve ever seen in your life?” And I stopped doing that quick, because I was looking for answers that would me feel better about my dick size. You know, they’d be like, “3 inches,” or, “4 inches.” And I’d be like, “All right, I’m doing okay, then.” That’s not what happened. I found out from that question, from that polling system, how horrible women are. You’re really terrible, terrible people. It’s unbelievable. If you ask enough women in one group, smallest dick you’ve ever seen, you know the answer most of them give? A lot of them give the same one. It’s not even a measurement of numbers or anything. They just hold up a pinkie finger. “Mm, pinkie dick.” Pinkie dick? Pinkie– that’s a lie, number one. There’s no man in the world with a pinkie dick. A pinkie dick? If you have a pinkie dick when you turn 18, you kill yourself. That’s respectable. You jump off a bridge or something more hilariously small dick related, but you do not press forward in life with a pinkie dick. You girls are laughing. [women laughing] Was that your answer? Was that what you would have said, pinkie dick? You saw that in life? No shit? Guy pulled it out for you. What’s your name? – Christine. – Christine. A guy pulled out a pinkie dick for you. – [laughs] – Is that how it happened? Sexual situation, guy whips it out. – Yep. – Christine, if you don’t mind, what did you do? – I told him I had to go home. – You told him you had to go home. [laughter, cheers, and applause] I don’t know why you’re applauding her. That’s the shittiest thing ever. This guy pulled out a pinkie dick, and she told him she had to go home. How fucking horrible is that? Are you kidding me? You just left? Christine, you are a rotten person. But can I say you’re not alone? Any girl who tells me she saw a pinkie dick, my next question is always, “What did you do? What did you do when the guy pulled it out?” And most of the time, they always leave. They walk out. Some girls are nicer than others. I don’t know how you handled it. Like, some girls, you know, the guy pulls out it, they’re like, “Oh, shit. “I just remembered. My sister’s on fire.” “I should have left, like, an hour ago. “I was having so much fun. But I got to–eh…” And then some girls are just mean, like, “Oh, shit, pinkie dick,” and then start trying to, like, periscope or something. Do you think if a guy’s got a pinkie dick– if this is real, right, and the guy’s got a pinkie dick, do you think he’s unaware of the fact the has a pinkie dick? He knows. It haunts him every day of his goddamn life. Every morning he wakes up, and he stares at it angry, and he grabs it with two fingers, and he stretches it as far as it can go, until it’s so thin, it looks like a goddamn Capri Sun straw. And he lets it go, hoping it’s gonna stay where he pulled it to, it just snaps back all angry. Now, if he pulled that shit out for you, that was a big thing for him. All day long he was talking himself into it, like, “Okay, all right, here we go. “Tonight’s the big night. “I like this girl. She likes me. “She’s different. “She’s not gonna walk away like all the rest. “This is a good girl, cool chick. “I’m gonna pull out my pinkie dick tonight. “And she’s gonna go down there, and she’s gonna suck it with the mouth of a whistler.” But they never do. You know what a shot that was, how much of a shot that was to that guy’s psyche? You didn’t care at all, did you? You know why that is? Do you know why you’re callous like that, Christine? Because it’s a pain you will never feel. That’s it. Women walk away from sexual situations like that, laughing, giggling, high-fiving with their girlfriends. But you’ve never had the flip side of that. No guy has ever walked away, ever, from a sexual situation. We don’t do it. We come to do a job, and we finish at all costs. And the problem with that is, it has made you women believe that, like, you’re perfect. And why would a guy ever walk away? Well, let me tell you something. There’s plenty of reasons to walk away. We just don’t do it, because we’re better people than you. There’s a million and one reasons. We should walk away, but we don’t. We come to do a job, and we finish at all costs. And sometimes there’s a price. Do you know how many vaginas I’ve had my face in front of that smelled like boiled hot dog water? Tons, tons. Like Chinatown Dumpsters on clams casino night. Countless. That means more than I can count. Do you know what I did to every one of those vaginas? I ate them, because my face made a promise when I went down there. You don’t walk away from that. You finish the job. You come and you finish. [cheers and applause] Look, don’t cheer me on too much. I mean, you know, I make little comments during it for myself. Like, I’ll pop up, and I’ll be like, “Did you jog here?” And then I’ll go back down. I’m like, “Did you shit while hand-standing today?” I got 80 of those. “Were the front half of a two-person horse costume this afternoon?” “Did you and your best friend fart into each other assholes?” I have a question for you, Christine. Why didn’t you try anal with this guy? If you thought you wouldn’t feel it in your puss, why didn’t you give it a shot in your butt? Grow up. Not into butt stuff at all? You’re not into butt stuff at all, huh? No? How about you, couple? What? – Exit only. – Exit only? And you’re marrying her? Dipshit. You want to be with me, we’re going butthole… at some point. Time and a place, you know? You don’t butt-fuck at home. It’s a hotel game. That’s an away game. [laughter and applause] You don’t butt-fuck at home. Home is where you have, like, you know, family events and host the holidays and shit. You can’t, like– You can’t have your nana eating pumpkin pie on a couch you know you butt-fucked on. She doesn’t know, but you know, and that’s enough to make it weird. Like, “Oh, Nana.” She’s just eating away, has no idea. The ghost of butt-fuck past dragging around. You butt-fuck in hotels. ‘Cause what’s the big concern with butt-fucking? Messy cleanup. It’s not your problem in a hotel. That’s some Mexican lady’s problem in the morning. Don’t feel bad. That’s what you’re paying for, man. You’re on your way to brunch. You’re like, “My bad, Guadalupe. There’s an extra 20 on the end table there for you.” She’s confused. She’s like, “¿Por qué? “Oh, no! “Mi Dios! Está poop!” You could laugh at that joke. You could not laugh at that joke. But you have to admit, that was all legit Spanish. “Está poop.” “It’s poop.”
I try to think of things for little dicks. I try to reach out to other little-dick guys and give ideas for things. That’s why I’m so intimidated by black women. This beautiful black woman here. Yeah, fuck, I’m very intimidated by black women. Do we have a lot of black women here? Way in the back, then one up here. Fantastic. This is your boyfriend? White dude. Unfortunately, yeah, I hear you. Hey, whatever, you need a cosigner for a car loan. Big whoop. Got yourself a Kia Sportage now? You fucking… Good for you, dude. You got to be confident for that. Black women intimidate the shit out of me sexually. I’m so attracted to them, but I can’t make a move. I get very nervous. I don’t even jerk off to black girls in porn, which isn’t racial, by the way. I love black dudes in porn. They’re my favorite. Five black dudes banging a chubby white chick while her husband jerks off and cries in a corner… that’s my shit. I keyword search that whole phrase every day. There is a staggering amount of updates. I don’t even do the whole thing. I just put in “Five black,” and it fills in, “…guys fucking…” [light applause] It’s a weird thing to clap for, but all right. The black women– you know what it is? Black women got those big old booties, which I like. That’s my thing. Yeah, you’re an ass man, right? I love it. I love looking at it. And then when I see it, I’m like, “I want that.” And then I put it into, like, an actual sexual context, and I get very insecure. You know what I mean? You get it, right? You understand what I’m saying. Like, the big–and then you– I see that big butt, and as a white dude, I don’t know if I have enough dick to get through all that cheek to hit the holes. And I feel like, with a black woman, I’m gonna end up, like, titty-fucking her butt cheeks for a half hour. That’s not gonna make her have a good time. That’s gonna make her make a hilarious black-woman phone call, like, “Girl, this white boy “just titty-fucked my butt cheeks. “Leg of lamb, leg of lamb. [humming soulfully] * *White boy just titty-fucked my butt cheeks * *
Oh, wow, wow [laughter] Can I say something to you guys real quick? This is–with the exception– This sounds like Rocky speech. With the exception of the day my daughter was born 13 years ago, this is, hands down, the most amazing night of my entire fucking life. It is, you guys. [cheers and applause] And I love you so much for sharing it with me. And it wouldn’t have happened without you guys. So I fucking love you so much. Thank you. I love you. Good night. [cheers and applause] – Ladies and gentlemen, Big Jay Oakerson! [heavy rock music] ** [cheers and applause] [heavy rock music] *