Beth Stelling’s stand-up comedy special, “Girl Daddy,” was released on HBO Max on August 20, 2020. The show was recorded at the Varsity Theater in Minneapolis, Minnesota.
Beth Stelling is a comedian who has been in the industry for over a decade. Her comedy style is known for being artfully hilarious and thought-provoking. In “Girl Daddy,” Stelling talks about her family, society, and the exes who have shaped her. She shares her experiences with sex, drugs, and babies in a way that is both relatable and entertaining.
In this special, Stelling talks about how she has been called a “female comic” so many times that if she ever has kids, they might as well call her “girl daddy”. She also shares her thoughts on the societal expectations placed on women and how she has navigated them throughout her life.
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♪ So I started to speak freely ♪
♪ Figured it would lead me to war or a peace treaty ♪
♪ And knew no matter what, end up with a deep sleep ♪
♪ And the habits of a soul who knows what it’s seeking ♪
♪ You’re thinking it’s a joke, but it’s not folks ♪
♪ It’s all in the delivery ♪
Thank you.
Thank you guys.
Thank you for coming out.
It is good to be here in Minneapolis, thank you.
Whenever I’m on tour, I have to prepare to be gone for awhile.
And so I was at the pharmacy, I was picking up my prescription for acne.
I love my acne, keeps me young.
I’m on antibiotics, they’re working.
I’ve been on them for seven years, which I heard is good for you.
Before that, I was on spironolactone, any spiro heads here?
Are you really on it?
Did it make you pee a lot?
Yes, and it made me faint.
What?
Did it thin your hair at all?
No.
Okay, we can, we’ll talk more later.
It did, it made me pee a lot, it thinned my hair out, it made my boobs hurt really bad.
I grew very alarmed and I chose to do nothing.
I just waited for the follow-up appointment with the doctor and he said, “Oh yeah, I should have told you, “it’s going to make your boobs,” he actually said titties, he was like, “It’s going to make your titties more sensitive.”
I thought, that would have been nice to know.
I’ve been slowly saying goodbye to my family.
So I’m at the pharmacy, you can’t help, but pick up other things, they designed it that way.
And Easter is my favorite season of candy.
Now, thankfully they have Peeps pretty much year-round.
So I picked up some, who knows, Flag Day peeps.
I don’t look at the shape before, I barely taste when I eat.
And I also picked up a bunch of condoms ’cause I’m the breadwinner of most of my relationships.
And I’m also not on birth control because sometimes birth control is like, I know you’re hungry, but what if you cried?
So I don’t do that.
And as I’m checking out the man at the pharmacy, he slides my prescription and I sign for it.
He slides the Peeps and then he goes to slide the condoms and for some reason out loud to him, I say, “These aren’t for me.”
I’m a grown woman in my sixties, like I’m very open about sex, all of a sudden a man, I don’t know, touches a box of condoms, and I’m like these, I would never, I got back to my car and I turned inward.
I was like, what happened back there, man?
You got weird.
I don’t know, I guess if you’re a dude buying condoms, maybe you feel cool.
‘Cause like you’re gonna get laid or whatever.
I don’t know how you feel.
Do you, or, he’s like I don’t wear condoms, because I don’t get pregnant.
That always cracks me up, wen the dude chimes in with like, she trapped me with a baby.
Impossible.
You have the missing ingredient and we love to bake.
if I had all the ingredients for a cake except for the sugar, and then you, what’s your name?
Jeremy.
Jeremy brought over the sugar, we’d be like this cake wouldn’t be possible without Jeremy. thank you so much for this cake, Jeremy.
Jeremy, Jeremy, Jeremy.
That’s right.
What I’m saying is men are garbage, but
But, women are the can, okay.
So we’re in it together.
Sometimes you have to flip us over and shake us for us to let go of garbage.
But I think what it boils down to in my personal opinion, I think dudes, you’re just, you’re more in touch with your personal pleasure from a very early age.
Late elementary, early junior high, the boys I grew up with in Ohio were just constantly talking about jerking off or jerking off or doing this motion, which I added to my vocabulary far too soon.
I had no clue what it meant.
I would just be like, okay, mom, take a gamble.
I was punished.
It’s so high.
What are we doing with it up here?
Everybody knows, it’s like… vi-vi-vi-vi…
Like who are you jerking off that’s shoulder height.
That’s question one from me.
Then sex ed happened in junior high.
I remember our health teacher saying I taught my sons how to masturbate.
I was like, is that legal?
I thought we were hiding it.
But young girls have sex organs, too.
Even though some of us don’t look down until we’re 23.
But as a kid,
I was secretly humping all kinds of stuff around the house.
I was humping the couch, I was humping the bannister, with a pillow after this splinter incident.
I was humping the edge of the bathtub.
I remember one year my mom wanted to move and I said, we can’t.
My girlfriends live here.
Can you imagine if we taught our daughters to masturbate?
My mom could’ve kept decorative pillows about, instead it took like the strength of three of my closest girlfriends when we turned 18 to even go to a sex store.
Meanwhile, I feel like into adulthood, dudes, you can just hop in your car, drive somewhere, get fully jerked off.
I was a little vague.
In my head, I was thinking like a rub and tug scenario or a happy ending situation.
You know what I’m talking about?
He was like, yes, that’s how we met.
Have any women here been offered a happy ending?
Just an angry silence.
It’s more of a man’s game, the happy ending.
I guess it’s what we look at as like your complete and total relaxation, either that or we look at your semen as poison and we’re like, get it out of them so they don’t hurt anybody.
I think it’s a positive thing, as long as nobody’s freaking trapped in a room.
And of course whether you know it or not, there’s tons of sex workers all around us.
The problem is whenever I get a massage, I just assume that the massage therapist is falling in love with me.
Do you do that, I’m like we’re not talking, but I’m pretty sure he’s impressed with my back.
And maybe my shoulders would drop two inches if somebody just offered to like, just a little bit.
But no, for a lot of reasons, a lot of liabilities, the main one being that massage therapists are not sex workers.
That’s the big one.
It got conflated along the way.
I don’t know why, maybe because people were already naked.
I feel like if somebody started offering hand jobs at the pool, lifeguards would probably suffer the same plight.
They’re just like trying to save somebody and the person’s like, yeah, choke me.
And I’m like, what the fuck?
I don’t think that the female orgasm is as equated with relaxation and release.
I think it’s because everyone assumes women relax by like curling up on a couch at night, underneath a quilt that we made, just warming ourselves by a fire, while we pet our cat, and sip Celestial Seasonings tea like mmm, mmm, mmm.
I’ve never orgasmed that way.
Not once, it would take so much from the cat and its little paw.
And then after an hour I’d be like, get off of me.
I’ll do it myself.
I have a good amount of guy friends that genuinely believe that they like sex more than women.
And I love orgasming.
There’s not a woman in here who doesn’t love orgasming.
It’s the sex that’s the problem.
Now, look, I assume every man in here tonight is just so good at fucking, so I’m not talking about anybody in here.
The problem is outside and we just have to take what we talk about here tonight and help them.
I try to have healthy conversations about these things.
I did a podcast recently in exchange for some tap water and two new fans.
The podcast, it was hosted by a male comedian and he wanted to talk about the Me Too movement because you gotta if you have a lady on the pod.
And his hot take was sort of the Me Too movement, well, what are we supposed to do now?
I was like, what were you doing before?
I guess keep doing or stop doing that.
Now we were doing shows together all weekend and I was the only comic on the shows who agreed to do his podcast.
So I decided to take it as an opportunity to confront him about one of his jokes that I didn’t love and this podcast was never released .
We don’t like to be challenged.
But he had a joke that he was performing that went like I used to fuck chicks all the time after shows.
Which is true. When a male comic’s up here, it’s very attractive to women, a sense of humor, and he has an hour window after the show to capitalize on that before the girl finds out like, oh my God, he’s so sad.
So his joke was like, I used to fuck chicks all the time after shows.
Now, if I want to fuck a chick and she likes it rough, I’m going to need paperwork to fuck.
Insinuating that if she were also into rough sex, she would then later lie and use it to accuse him of, what’s it called when somebody wants to have sex with you, but you don’t, and they do it anyway?
Rape.
Thank you, it’s so much easier when somebody else brings it up.
People do not like hearing a woman comic say that word.
I guess because the dudes are like, hey, that’s our thing.
I think paperwork’s a good idea.
I’m for it.
I am pro paperwork.
Just to be clear, I think it’s interesting he decided to live in a profession that’s been relegated to women for the last hundred years like he’d probably need me to like draw up the paperwork for him.
In which case, I could put a clause in there that says not bringing the female to climax is punishable by law.
Or something, I don’t know, I’m spitballing.
And then maybe a clause in there for him that says like the safe word is stop.
Give that a whirl.
It just bothered me that night after night, he was performing these jokes for crowds full of people just like you.
Well, we were in Vegas, like nothing like you.
Just scaring roomfuls of dudes about having post-Me Too sex, when most of you guys are doing it right.
There’s probably only like one rapist in here.
I don’t know, maybe two, look around, they’re not laughing.
Are you sitting here as a heterosexual man, and you don’t know how to touch a woman, like get up here.
I’ll show you, I’m just kidding.
I feel like, do you know how to pet a cat?
How about that?
If you’re scared during these times and you’re alone with a woman, just pretend that it’s a cat.
That’s my advice for you.
Just wait for it to come up to you.
It might take a while.
Let it smell you before you pet it.
And if it’s all curled up sleeping, don’t pick it up.
It doesn’t like that.
And then if the cat comes up to you and starts rubbing its face on your face, hard, sometimes shockingly hard, then you can ask yourself, like, is this cat trying to fuck?
And then yes, go ahead and fuck that cat.
You guys seem cool.
Maybe I was wrong and I was just overly worried for you guys.
I just didn’t like that he would be scaring you, but maybe you’re not scared at all, and it’s just like a handful of celebrities and some very vocal comics that are scared, scared of getting accused of rape.
For some reason, it’s easier to hear in a Scottish accent.
I don’t know, I don’t know why they’re scared.
They’re going to get away with it.
If they go through this system is what I’m saying.
I was watching a famous colleague of mine yell into a microphone and he was like, so you know there’s no due process, it’s fricking crazy.
A woman makes a claim and people just believe her without going through the legal system.
I’m like, ah, the legal system, or as I like to call it, the white man’s FUBU… just For Us By Us.
It’s their safe space really.
It’s why they have a checklist of things they like you to go down after you’ve been raped.
Number one: did you go to the cops?
It’s like me personally, I would rather talk to Ice T’s character of a cop than a real cop if I got raped, because at least Ice T would listen and then say something like, that’s messed up.
And then when he got back to the precinct, he’d probably fire something off like gotta be Mrs. Butterworth in order to make a rape charge stick.
Two: they’re always like, did you go to the hospital?
It’s like, do you guys remember at the beginning, when I thought I had breast cancer and I just waited it out.
If I got raped, I don’t want to run an errand, okay.
And three: they really don’t want you to use social media about it, ’cause then other people might come forward and something might get done.
So they sort of villainize you and call you like a social justice or a hashtag warrior.
And it’s like, do you guys think that Tarana Burke wanted to start the Me Too movement on Twitter?
The same website people use to talk about their Taco Bell diarrhea?
I’m thinking no, but her options were limited.
And then there will always be somebody who says, women make these claims for attention.
And I’m just like, who would want that attention?
Like, what are the benefits?
Are you imagining these women going to job interviews and saying things like, as you can see on my resume, not only have I been raped, I’ve also been doxed.
And I think you’ll find that I work best in groups rather than one-on-one.
And I’m willing to work 24-7 because frankly, I’m terrified to be alone in my apartment.
And that’s just a job interview for Taco Bell.
So you can imagine, I just, I can’t think of like a celebrity accuser.
The only one that comes to mind, I guess, is Lorena Bobbitt, but she didn’t do that for attention.
She just got famous for disarming her assailant.
I don’t know, maybe arm is generous.
Still, if I could choose a superpower, it would be penis 100%.
I’m so jealous of your dicks.
I want one to have and to hold, but like also on my person, I feel like it’s easier to pee.
You can pee anywhere, shape, line, you can spell your name, Jeremy.
Is it a Y there at the end?
Really let her rip.
I also think it’s easier to receive pleasure from a stranger.
Like anybody can figure it out.
It’s like up down.
I think it’s cause your penises are outside of you.
Right, you know what I mean.
He’s like my dick is out right now.
But for me, more of an indoor situation, our bodies are like homes.
Some of us more an Airbnb, but we can be, we can be entered. We can be entered.
That’s why it’s important to knock or bring a gift.
Just because you’ve come over once doesn’t mean you get keys, crazy.
But dudes, you have like a fun, quick name for pleasure on the go, it’s blowjob.
And then sometimes you shorten that to BJ or like beej.
But for me it’s like, can I interest you in performing cunnilingus?
It sounds scientific.
Even our fun word for it, going down, has a negative connotation.
It’s like going down to hell.
It’s a little hot down there, but hypothetically, any person in here with a penis could just walk back to the bathrooms, get a quick beej to compleesh, but me, I have to walk back to the bathrooms, make sure that there’s a koala care station.
Pull it down.
Hoist my body up onto it.
Get these overalls off.
Buckle myself in, in case it’s good.
And then fingers crossed that I showered.
No, but truly like if you had a long day at work and then you found out you were going to get intimate with somebody and you didn’t feel fresh, you could just slip away to the bathroom and wash your dick off in the sink.
And I hope you do.
But for me it’s like, have you ever tried to gut a pumpkin?
There’s a lot of seeds.
Is my hand better or a spoon?
We can’t be sure it’s clean until we get a candle in here.
You’re not going to find me pants-less on the Koala Care.
I promise. Frankly, it won’t hold me.
I’m definitely more of a relationship person.
Like I’m willing to be unhappy with someone for up to three years.
I’ve also never been dumped, I’m undefeated.
Thank you, oh thank you so much.
I tend to go relationship to relationship.
I think a professional would call that codependent.
I call it college educated, okay.
I don’t quit a job before I have another one lined up.
My last relationship was very on again, off again.
I would break up with him, but it wouldn’t stick.
He would convince me that we were soulmates and then later complained you’re always trying to change me.
I’m like, yes, exactly.
You won’t let me go, I’m making do with what I have.
He did have a big penis, he wanted me to tell you guys that.
I’m sure he still has it.
Everybody acts like that’s a good thing.
It always gave me anxiety, especially before sex.
I always felt like I was prepping myself for minor outpatient surgery.
Just in the way that he’d always say, now you’re going to feel a little bit of light pressure.
And then it was over.
He’d be like count back from 100, I never got into the eighties.
And then afterwards he’d be standing over me like you lost a lot of fluid.
I’m like, that was you.
He would always go down on me, which you should all be doing, before sex, but he would just go down on me and then he would drool a lot all over my hoot and then look up and say, whoa, you’re so wet.
That would be like if I lit the kitchen on fire and then yelled, dinner’s ready.
You cannot unlock a lock by just dousing it in WD-40.
There’s a key.
Sometimes there’s a code.
I’m not saying I’m amazing in bed.
Like sure, I’ve gotten my 10,000 hours in and I hate to brag, but I can last forever in bed without coming.
Hours, weeks, I’ve gone a year.
I didn’t even have to think about dead animals or baseball, like I was trying.
So I’ve turned to dating younger men, I’m a bit of a coug.
Thank you.
I like sleeping with younger men because you can use tactics on them in bed that you know work on younger people.
For example, you can be like, let’s see how fast you can do it, I’ll time you.
Last one to come’s a rotten egg.
I’m kidding, it’s me.
All my eggs are rotten, I’m 63.
I’ve been dating a guy who’s nine years younger than me.
And, when we first started dating, I had like high school feelings for him.
And I couldn’t tell whether it was ’cause he was the one or just so recently out of high school.
He’s of age, to be clear.
I don’t want to creep anybody out.
I feel like I’m teaching him a lot about life, love, sober sex.
I’m raising a wonderful young man.
And he’s teaching me stuff too about memes, it’s mostly memes.
I’m haha, he’s more LOL.
There’s an age gap.
If you are sitting here as a relationship person, you have to be careful because, you know, you end a relationship with this high level of intimacy and when you meet someone new, you have to start over.
But it’s very tempting to pick up right where you left off because you can hit it off with a stranger immediately.
And you can’t always tell whether it’s passion, or alcoholism, or mental illness.
Sometimes it takes a bit for that to roll out.
I was once dating this con artist.
He would prefer artist.
Three months into our relationship, I actually caught him eating one of his boogers.
Now, in his defense, there was still like a little bit of cocaine left in it, but it’s a bad sign, you know, when you wish your boyfriend just ate regular boogs.
This is sort of when I wish women would talk more, you know, like give each other the review.
We keep very separate and that’s where their strength lies.
I was warned once, she was just too late, and a woman came up to me after a show and she said, hey, we need to talk.
And I thought ruh-roh.
She said, I also dated that con artist after you and a little bit during.
And she said, he gave me chlamydia.
So you might want to go get checked.
And then I went and I got checked and I didn’t have it.
So I didn’t need to tell you guys any of that.
I think my point was I don’t know why I was drawn to this person.
Like I barely drink, I’ll have a beer.
I’ll take a little toot on the weed horn, absolutely.
But hard drugs scare me.
Like the closest I’ve come to doing cocaine is just trying to pet a guinea pig in a cage.
Have you ever done that?
Oh my God, they’re in there, they’re running around, they’re kicking up chips.
It’s like, what a rush.
Try to get your hand in and out of there without freaking out.
Your heart’s gonna race, I guarantee it.
Separately, I dated a Russian DJ, naturally, and he had just told me that he was going to stop doing cocaine for me, which meant he was going to stop telling me when he did cocaine.
This is one of those like hit it off immediately situations, we’re very into each other and it’s like our fourth date, but I’m trying to keep it light and not latch on too soon.
And he looks at me across the table and he says, I haven’t felt this way about a woman in six years.
And all I could think was just, who is she?
All I need is an Instagram handle, so I can go to her Etsy store and order one of her items and leave a cryptic review
I love women.
I hate what we do in review sections.
I do a lot of online shopping to feel whole and I order many, many items.
All of which I send back and I read a ton of reviews ’cause I’m very careful when I waste my time.
And I will be on bloomingdales.com, looking at some inordinately expensive T-shirt where a woman has written a review that says I’m five-foot-one, 90 pounds, and swimming in a small.
It’s like we get it.
You’ve never broken a chair.
Just say it runs large, okay.
We don’t need your stats, Nina.
So after this woman called me fat on the internet, I retaliated and I wrote my own review of the same t-shirt without having purchased it.
And my review, I wrote I’m five-foot-nine I graduated magna cum laude.
I have a really big one bedroom and I don’t weigh myself, post.
43 people found that helpful.
I don’t, I don’t weigh myself.
I just ask someone to draw me.
And if they reach for a jumbo Sharpie, maybe I dial it back a bit.
If I feel like it, I like fluctuating.
It keeps it fun, keeps it fresh.
I heard it’s good for your heart.
I used to weigh myself when I was chubbier, when I was working in the bagel industry.
I was in quality control.
And when I worked at the bagel shop, I ate too much, too many times, to the point where you could see it on my body.
Food is interesting like that, you show your work.
I put up some of my best numbers at the bagel shop.
It was during a time in my life where I thought that cookies might go extinct.
My top score was 198 pounds, which, I’m 5-9 as I mentioned, it’s kind of nothing on my frame.
You know, 198 is not a wake-up call.
That’s a challenge.
You’re going to get two pounds away from 200 and not hit it.
Go fuck yourself.
I did it the next day.
No matter what the scale says, I always feel good about myself.
I have like reverse body dysmorphia or something.
‘Cause if you don’t know, regular body dysmorphia, it’s when you think you’re fat, but you’re actually stupid.
No, there’s other reasons like mothers and being brainwashed by doctored images of other women. since the time we could see.
That one’s a little dark, but I keep it in.
I guess I wouldn’t have to make jokes about this stuff if women’s worth, weren’t still based on our looks but for some reason it is.
Some people know that and they think the highest compliment that they can pay a woman is like, hey, I noticed that you lost weight and you look amazing.
And that just fills us up because we are so hungry.
And if you think about it, all you’re really saying is like, hey, I noticed that you take up less space and I like it.
And we’re like, thank you.
Someday, I hope to not even be here.
I wish I didn’t remember every negative thing somebody said to me about my body.
But it’s the stuff people say to you about your appearance that you remember.
If nobody said anything, I would have been fine.
Can’t see how big your ass is when you’re trucking straight ahead.
I was dating a guy for a while and we went out to eat and we finished the meal.
And then I decided to order a cinnamon roll to go, just to feel safe, and he looked at me and he said, I love you, but I don’t think you need that cinnamon roll.
For free, nobody there to him to say it.
So when we got back to my apartment, he asked, are you mad at me?
And I said, yes.
And he explained, I was just worried about your health.
Now to give it context, he and I had had discussions about how sometimes people who’ve been through trauma have an emotional attachment to food.
And that’s true for me.
Sometimes being full feels like a hug from the inside.
So while I appreciate his concern, I’d only gain 10 or 15 pounds and you can’t die from a muffin top.
Now here’s where he tripped into a light jog out of my life.
He decided to add, “It’s just that my therapist told me that I could tell you that I was more attracted to you when you were exercising and eating better.”
And I thought, is your therapist your friend Sean?
‘Cause it sounds like Sean, who also called me crazy for making you wash your hands before sex after riding the subway, but I feel like every surgeon has to scrub in, okay.
This was all coming from a very thin person and I never asked him to eat more so it didn’t feel like I was trying to snuggle with a jungle gym, or get fucked by a rhombus.
That’s a lot of sharp angles coming at me.
Whatever, everybody’s health goals are different.
Some people’s health goals are just being able to tell what the diarrhea was from.
I think we’re finally in a good place where everybody realizes that being fat doesn’t mean you’re unhealthy and being thin doesn’t mean you’re healthy.
When I was 200 pounds, I lived with a girl who was a hundred pounds and she would always call herself fat. She was a German shepherd, but like she carried it well.
It affects everybody.
I know it affects men too.
Of course you guys aren’t immune to body image issues, or maybe you have events in mind you’d like to look good for.
I remember my sister got married during my bagel years and I made the mistake of comparing myself to one of the other bridesmaids online, which you never want to do, you know it, don’t compare yourself to other people.
But I remember thinking I’m going to lose so much weight for this wedding.
And then, oh, I didn’t.
I just kept being me and I got a last-minute spray tan instead.
I just showed up to my sister’s wedding looking insane, just chubby and orange, which at the time was not presidential, okay, this is years prior.
Probably started it.
I remember one of the other bridesmaids in the party pulled me aside before like the aisle part, and she said, remember Beth, today is about your sister, it’s not about you.
I was like, what?
I can’t help that I’m pulling focus, okay.
I’m orange and I have a dark brown upper lip.
It sticks to the fur.
Thankfully they got a divorce so those photos have been destroyed.
It always amazes me whenever my sister gets married.
You could look at it negatively.
I think it’s a beautiful thing, I do.
Do you know how hard it is to put yourself out there, over and over again, and be vulnerable enough to fall in love.
I’m a full coward.
I’m very noncommittal.
If I’m ever at the altar and the pastor says, do you, Beth, take this person to be your whatever.
If so, say I do.
I’m just going to be like, eh, it’s not that I don’t.
I just feel weird saying it in front of everybody.
Good news is I come from a very pro-divorce family and my older sister and I, we never liked our middle sister’s first husband.
He had a Samsung Galaxy.
But I was praying that his would explode over his penis.
Is that how religion works, I just started.
I may have tweeted something to that effect, and he found the tweet, which I appreciate the follow, brother.
But he got very upset and he showed the tweet to my sister.
And he said, your sister’s tweeting about my dick getting blown off, with like the rage of a man who plays softball.
And I am going to save it and I’m going to read it to the kids to sabotage their relationship with Beth.
And I was like, whoa, I can’t believe I got him to read to his kids.
My sister tried everything.
I don’t know if you’ve ever planned a second or third wedding, but stuff starts flying off the truck.
You find yourself cutting corners, saying things like, maybe we don’t need to walk down the aisle.
We could already be down there.
Or who needs a reception, we’ll just meet at the bar.
And the dresses change over time.
Your first wedding, you’re in a beautiful ball gown.
And eventually you end up in a white business suit just like, this time I’m serious.
Now of course, marriage can be a beautiful thing.
I’m thankful I don’t feel the pressure to do it, but I love watching my sisters do it.
I don’t love all the traditions they’ve kept.
Like I don’t enjoy the bride sweepstakes, the giveaway part where our dad walks ’em down the aisle in a white dress.
And he’s like, here are the untouched goods, you take care of it.
It just feels weird, I don’t want my dad giving me away, like he never had me.
I also feel there’s gotta be somebody better suited for the job.
I was thinking about it long and hard, and what I came up with was maybe my ex-boyfriend, Nick, will do it, give me away.
We had three wonderful years together.
I loved him, he loved me.
I actually have his name tattooed on my back, so he kind of owes me on this.
And I broke up with him, but he’s married now, so maybe he’d like to hear from me.
I don’t know.
I found out he was married because of Instagram.
I still follow his sister, she hasn’t blocked me yet.
And she posted this beautiful photo of him and his wife on their wedding day, which I felt like was really in my face.
I think if I asked him to do it, he would.
And then Nick could walk me down the aisle and we’d get to my almost-husband, and then maybe like one last kiss and then Nick could lean into him and whisper something like there’s a little bit left, you know, or something.
I don’t know, I’m workshopping it.
I just want somebody to make an honest woman out of me.
And then if his wife hates the idea I could offer to get her name tattooed under his.
It’s like his name, her name, any children they have, I’m willing to do pets.
I should be arrested.
I really do have his name tattooed back there.
Do you know how hard it is to get laid with another man’s name on your back?
Not hard, it isn’t. Never been an issue.
Despite everything I’ve said leading up to this point, I do have a relationship with my father.
I just called him back yesterday, ’cause he had called me on Father’s Day and I wanted to get back.
My parents divorced when I was young and my dad moved down to Orlando, Florida to be an actor, which is not where you go.
He did, he eventually landed a role as Blackbeard at Pirate’s Cove mini putt-putt golf course.
And when you know celebrities, there are going to be perks.
So my two older sisters and I, we would leave our mom in Ohio and go down to Orlando to visit our dad because it was court-ordered.
Free putt-putt, baby.
My dad would dress like a pirate from here down.
And then Alice, the manager at the time, would give my dad this huge Blackbeard head to put on top of his head that rested on his shoulders.
And then he would walk around the mini golf place making people’s time better, question mark.
But before my dad’s shift would start and before we ran off, he would pull us aside after we picked out our clubs and he’d gather us around and he’d get very serious and he’d be like, girls, listen up, get over here.
Look at me.
Listen.
When the head goes on, look at me.
When the head goes on.
I’m not dad anymore.
Very method, okay, which from one artist to another, I respected, but I was also the youngest of the three girls.
You know when your sisters tell you to shut up?
And then two seconds later you’re like, as we go on, we remember, and then they hit you and you’re like, I’m sorry.
I forgot, seriously I forgot.
So I did, I forgot.
And I got a little hole in one and I started yelling for my dad instead of Blackbeard.
And he found where the sound was coming from in the head, he was like at a higher hole.
And he peeked around this blue waterfall and just looked down at us and shook the whole head, like no.
I don’t know if you’ve ever disappointed a parent that has a bigger head on top of their head, but it’s like triple the disappointment.
And also a little passive-aggressive, ’cause there’s like a huge smile on the outside of the face,
But not on the inside.
After that, he could have gone anywhere, Disney, Universal, the mall, but he bucked industry standards and he started his own business that’s called Stars on Call.
He describes his work as live roadside commercials or like character directionals.
He dresses up in different costumes and he stands in front of businesses that are paying them to get people inside.
I’m sure you have people like that here, right?
It’s usually like a kid in front of Subway sandwiches with a sign and earbuds and like, fuck my life.
My dad blows those assholes out of the water.
He’s out there high-kicking.
He’s pelvic thrusting.
There’s a lot of raising the roof.
He’s a leprechaun in front of this Irish pub called the Carry Him In.
He’s a gorilla in front of Gold’s Gym.
He’s a slice of pizza.
Has anyone seen my dad?
In the Orlando area?
Real question, I like to ask, ’cause one time I think I was in Houston, a guy went, yo, is your dad, the fireman in front of Firehouse Subs.
And I was like, yes, that’s my maker.
He also does a fairly offensive portrayal of a Mexican in front of this place called Tijuana Flats, but he’s been doing it for 29 years, so at this point it is on them.
If you call my dad’s number, he’ll answer and he’ll be like Stars on Call, this is Bert.
Yeah, you want Chef Big Butt from three to five?
No problem, I’ll send a man out.
Always him.
Nobody else works for that company.
He’s a genius.
I guess technically his wife.
He found somebody to marry him down in Orlando and sometimes she’ll zip up his morph suit.
As kids always felt like on our visits, my dad would like consistently choose our stepmom over me and my sisters, and like, I get it.
You know, she gave him head and all we had were questions.
But my dad has been in Orlando now for so long his personality is very much Fox news.
Like, I mean, he’s so MAGA, he’s stealing jobs from the Mexicans.
Growing up, we’d have these weekly calls that you have with your divorced parents and he would spew a fairly feminist rhetoric.
He would always say, girls, remember to get the education you need to get the job you need, to get the car and the house you need.
Then worry about the husband.
And then in high school he started calling us and saying things like, if you ever get pregnant, I’ll take the baby.
What?
I don’t think he meant steal it, I think he meant take it and raise it.
I wish more anti-choice people were like him.
Like if you have it, I’ll take it.
But they’re not, they just want you to have it.
And then you never hear from ’em again.
No thank you note, no money, it’s rude.
I’m sure you’re wondering how hard it must’ve been for my mom to watch my dad go off and become a big star… on call, none-the-less.
She’s fine.
She’s currently sleeping with this very handsome, cavalier King Charles spaniel.
His name is Nigel. She loves him.
I feel like all he does is just try to eat her food and put his dick on our good pillows.
I’ve been replaced.
She sort of…
She likes to update me on what they’re up to if they’re hanging and stuff.
One time she sent me a photo of Nigel on the front porch.
You know when a dog like splays their back legs out equally.
So the hind is like, peuwww, you know what I mean?
I better do it.
Sorta like, when the dog is like fully flat, just like you know what I mean, it’s like penis to pavement, just like cooling his dick off on the cement.
My mom sent me a photo of Nigel like this on the front porch, in the caption she wrote, it’s pretty hot here.
I was like, ew.
Is this a sext?
Is this Nigel?
My mom… Can you just imagine the dog, like ticka-ticka-tick…
My mom has been out of the game for a while.
I took her on a retirement trip and we were out to eat, we must have run out of things to talk about ’cause at the end of the meal I asked my mom, have you ever gotten a dick pic?
She goes a nickel?
I was like, what?
Never mind, I don’t know why I even asked you that.
Is anybody here with their mom?
Oh you, good, I love it when people come with their mom, especially if I talk about something sexual, it’s so fun to look at you guys, because you’re usually like, I don’t know, are we laughing?
Which I chalk up to like a sexual spectrum of mother, how moms raise their kid in regard to sex.
‘Cause on one side of the sexual spectrum, some moms are like, sex does not exist.
And then their kids go away to college and they’re like, yes it does.
And then there are moms on the opposite side of the sexual spectrum who say things like, hi honey, how was your orgasm?
And you’re like, ew.
I will not be coming home for Thanksgiving.
Thankfully I didn’t have to deal with that.
My mom is 100% a virgin.
When she does start dating, I’m going to have to ask her like, how was your date?
And then she’ll say, I don’t know, we were kissing, and then his penis got sharp.
I don’t have to explain it to my mom.
My sisters, on the other hand, love to bone.
They like to have sex, get fertilized, wait for it to go from embryo, to fetus, to baby.
And then they birth the baby.
It’s like their thing.
Whenever my oldest sister’s pregnant, her husband likes to announce it, and he’ll always say, “We’re pregnant!”
Which has historically irked some people because they feel like the woman is doing a lot of the heavy lifting.
I, however, have turned a corner and I like it, I do.
‘Cause it did, it took two people to do that thing, which is why I like to practice with all the men in my crowd before we go.
I just like to practice saying we’re pregnant on three.
So all the men in the crowd on three, we’ll say, “we’re pregnant.”
One, two, three.
We’re pregnant.
Okay, you’re also drunk.
Not everybody did it.
If that didn’t resonate with you, I guess you could just go home and practice.
We’re aborting.
That’s honestly where we could use your help the most.
For some reason, the stigma of abortion is just fully on a woman, it’s bonkers.
Back where I’m from in Ohio, they were talking about putting a woman in prison if she gets an abortion and I’m like, eh, she had an accomplice.
We haven’t had a Mary since that first one.
And even then you’re telling me that God stopped at one kid.
The self-restraint there is admirable.
Like God just had Jesus and then we lost him.
You think he’d try again.
I just feel like mortal men, sometimes it feels like mortal men, you’re more careful pouring a beer than you are with your jizz.
Just like, ooh, ooh, not too much head.
It is like the only time you say that.
And then privately you’re just spreading biomedical hazard, like…gooogggg
I don’t blame you.
Nobody teaches enough about this stuff.
Some people don’t even like hearing the word abortion.
But as long as birth control is hard for a lot of people to get and boners are hard to keep in condoms, they’re going to happen.
I think we just got to stop looking at abortion like leftovers.
Hear me out, keep breathing through the joke.
Imagine it like this.
Like a couple goes out for a big meal and they over-order, they’re reckless, they’re probably wasted.
And at the end of the meal, there’s a bunch of leftovers and the dude says, you take them.
And the woman says, oh, I don’t want them, you take them.
And the dude says I can’t, I don’t have a fridge.
And she asks then why did you put it in the box?
You shouldn’t have put it in the box.
Now we’re going to have to throw it away.
And the dude says, “Okay, do you want me to like walk you to a trash can?”
And then for some reason on the way to the trash can, there’s only random people yelling at her, like, “You wasteful bitch!”
She’s like, what, he paid for half?
I’m just saying abortion is not really the time to go Dutch, maybe treat her.
And of course there’s a lot of good men out there.
I was living in Bloomington, Indiana, and I saw a man praying in front of the Planned Parenthood.
And I imagined that he was just saying like, dear God, please make sure that Brenda came here on Wednesday when she said she would.
So there’s some good ones.
Whenever my sisters are pregnant at the same time– like that’s happened simultaneously a couple times– people can’t help themselves, they always ask me like, did they plan it?
I’m just like what does that look like for you?
Do you think one of my sisters called the other and said, hey, what’s up, what are you doing?
And the other was like, I don’t know, what are you doing?
No. I don’t know what the season is for unprotected sex, but I think it’s always in Ohio.
I have so many nieces and nephews running around, I can’t keep track.
Sometimes I just have to wait for them to like play in a group, and then I shout out a name like, “Charlotte” and wait for one to turn.
Get over here, let’s connect.
I don’t even know what I would name kids if I had them.
Obviously Jeremy, your parents struggled.
I had a friend who actually named their daughter Harbor because she and her husband conceived her in this beautiful hotel in a harbor, which is truly disturbing.
If my family did that, we would have so many Alleys and Sofas.
Maybe like one The Woods, I’m from Ohio.
And then what, they’re just supposed to call me mom?
There’s already so many.
I didn’t even know my mom had a first name until recently.
I’d just been calling her mom for so long.
And then she phoned me up and asked why haven’t you followed me back on Instagram?
I was like, who’s Diane?
I don’t even know if I would respond to mom.
I’ve been called a female comic Ss many times I’d respond better to girl daddy.
Just imagine my future imaginary son, like the last to get picked up, at probably afternoon kindergarten.
And his teacher walks over to him and asks, Van, is your mother coming?
And then he’ll be like, no, my girl dad is, she’s just always late.
She’s probably picking up my sister, Shallow Grave.
You guys have been so great.
Thank you for listening.
Thank you so much.
♪ So I started to speak freely ♪
♪ Figured it would lead me to a war or peace treaty ♪
♪ And knew no matter what end up with a deep sleep ♪
♪ The habits of a soul who knows what it’s seeking ♪
♪ You’re thinking it’s a joke, but it’s not, folks ♪
♪ It’s all in the delivery ♪
♪ See underneath my smile’s a symphony ♪
♪ I style the epiphany like Tiffany’s ♪
♪ Then pivot and point out the irony ♪
♪ And leave you pitted in the middle of my diary ♪
♪ See everything inspires me ♪
♪ And I know better, I’m no better ♪
♪ I have made mistakes that could ruin or you admire me ♪
♪ And maybe if the stakes were graded, one day it happened ♪
♪ I’d be asked out and pushed packing for my retirement ♪
♪ I practice what I preach and preach what I have practiced ♪
♪ When we’re wrong, ask forgiveness ♪
♪ And takin’ blame entirely ♪
♪ If every lying liar’s pants were on fire in my city ♪
♪ We’d need the whole lake in its entirety, yeah ♪
♪ Hypocrisy is in an apocalyptic prophecy ♪
♪ Destined to pop off and pop with an apostrophe ♪
♪ And what it’s costing me is obvious ♪
♪ This is proudly, it’s preposterous ♪
♪ It’s going for drinks with Bill Cosby-ous ♪
♪ This apocalyptic prophecy, destined to pop off ♪
♪ And pop with an apostrophe. ♪
♪ And what it’s costing me is obvious. ♪
