[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage Bert Kreischer!
[audience cheering and applauding]
[dramatic music playing]
[audience continues cheering]
[audience cheering and applauding]
Yes! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Yes. You look beautiful, sir.
[cheering continues]
Thank you. Thank you. [man wolf-whistles] I look beautiful. Thank you, sir.
[audience cheering]
This is the skinniest fat I’ve ever been.
[audience laughing and cheering]
Yeah, yeah. I know, I know. [chuckles] I’m so fat, when I jog, my ass hairs tie in a knot. [audience laughing] Yeah. You don’t even know it’s happening. It’s really a treat. [audience laughing] Get in the shower, get a handful of soap, give yourself a little credit card action. [audience laughing] And you get denied. I’m talking rope, ladies. Ass cheek to ass cheek. Usually it comes free. Most hairy men and… some Italian women will tell you that. [audience laughing] You just put your finger on top until you’re free. Like when you sleep in a braid. Same thing.
[audience laughing]
One time, I was on vacation, and it wouldn’t come free. Like, I’m the shower tugging. And I’m panicking too, because I got to take a shit. [audience laughing] If we don’t do something, I’m gonna have a Play-Doh factory there. So I get out of the shower. I grab my pocket knife. I walk over to my wife. [audience laughing] [Bert laughs] [audience laughing] I go, “I need to know if you’re on my team or off my team.” [audience laughing] [thick Southern accent] She’s like, “I’m on your team.” [normal voice] My wife’s a redneck. I should have told you that. On our marriage application, in her hometown, third question: “Are you blood relatives?”
[audience laughing]
I go, “What do we put for three?” [Bert laughs] [audience laughs] The lady goes, “Well, is you?” [audience laughing] I go, “I don’t think we is.” [laughs] “Then put you ain’t.” “I’m not writing ‘ain’t.’ That means we is.” So… [audience laughing] I hand my wife the pocket knife, and I go, “We have a problem.” I turn around, show her the affected area. [audience laughing] And she says, “Why did you do that?” [audience laughing] Fantastic question, LeeAnn. You know… I figured, we’re on vacation. Lady by the pool’s like, “Braid your hair. Braid you hair.” [audience laughing] “I didn’t do this on purpose, fuck nut.” [audience laughing] “Now get to cutting, Sweeney Todd. I’m cresting down here.”
[audience laughing]
She’s like, “I ain’t doing that.” I was like, “Hate to break your heart, redneck. I think you is.” [audience laughs] “As a matter of fact, you’re the only person on this island that will be cutting these ass hairs.” [audience laughs] I can’t call the front desk and be like, “Send up a sure-handed boy.” [audience laughing] “Better yet, who does your hedges? I like his work.”
[audience laughing]
She goes, “No, I ain’t.” And she puts the knife down and turns on the hair dryer as if our conversation’s over. Oh, you want to play games? Let’s play fucking games. I grabbed the knife. I’m still naked, mind you. I sit down on the bed, facing her. Lay on my back, kick my feet in the air like a baby getting his diaper changed, and just go, “Wah!” “Baby’s got a knotty asshole!” [audience laughing] I didn’t even hear my daughters walk in the room. [audience howling] [audience laughing] All I heard was, “Oh my God, Dad’s vagina!”
[audience laughing]
Scared the shit outta me! [audience laughing] I hop up naked with a knife like I’m fighting two hookers for my wallet. [audience laughing] LeeAnn doesn’t even know what’s going on. She sees the commotion, cuts off the hair dryer, and goes, “Fine, give me the knife. I’ll cut your asshole.” [audience laughing] My daughters are shell-shocked. “What the fuck are you two doing?” [audience laughs] They storm out. I get in trouble. She goes, “You know, heads-up, you’re not supposed to show your daughters your dick.” [audience laughing] I was like, “Objection, Amber Heard. That’s not what happened.” [audience laughing] Yeah. Walk it back, sister. [audience] Oh! Yes.
[audience cheering and applauding]
First off, they didn’t just see my dick, okay? [audience laughs] That would have been a walk in the park. [audience laughs] They saw all of it. The trilogy. All three stories. Asshole, dick, and balls. The Middle East! [audience laughing] Secondly, I didn’t show them my dick. I wasn’t like, “Hey, girls…” [audience laughing] “You almost done your homework?” [audience laughing] “Cool. Meet me in the garage in 15. There’s something I want to show you.” [audience laughing] [Bert chuckles] They didn’t even see good dick either. That’s what bothered me. No, hang on. Hear me out. I’m not saying I want it to be rock-hard, but, like… [audience laughing] …pretty hard. You can’t send your daughters to college thinking their dad’s got the smallest dick.
[audience laughing]
First time they get a guy and they’re like, “Now, that’s a cock.” “Shit!” “Yeah, my dad has a penis. That’s a cock.” “You could whip that out at a party. My dad’s got something you show a nurse.” [audience laughing] They saw belly dick. Just sitting there, defenseless, just… [audience laughing] Looks like a whale breaching. Just… [groans] [audience laughing] Can’t tell where it starts, but you know where it stops. [audience laughing] Looks like a little boy looking in a well. “What’s going on in here?” [audience laughing] What the fuck, I saw my dad naked. A lot. [audience laughing] A lot… One time, he got in the shower with me. I was taking too long. He had work. I was in ninth grade.
[audience laughing]
Yeah, I panicked and did the old Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs, just… [audience laughing] I saw my mom naked. Not a lot, but enough. [audience laughing] Enough that the first time I got a chick naked, I was like, “Where’s your C-section scar?” [audience laughing] [Bert chuckles] My wife’s honest with them. She’s honest, 100% honest all the time. The other night we’re at dinner. I’m three drinks in. The girls go, “You guys ever done drugs?” I’m like, “What are you, fucking cops?” [audience laughing] She just goes, “Yeah.”
[audience laughs]
“What the fuck you doing?” She goes, “You got to be honest with them girls.” “I smoked marijuana a couple of times.” “I didn’t like it very much.” “Made me throw up. Never smoked it again.” “But your daddy’s done cocaine.” I go, “What the fuck?” [audience laughing] “I don’t think they’re looking for recommendations, LeeAnn.” [audience laughing] She’s like, “Go on, tell ’em. Go on, tell ’em. Tell ’em.” “Tell ’em the truth now.” I was like, “Okay, I tried cocaine… one time.” [audience laughing] “I didn’t like it very much.” [audience laughing] “It made me throw up. Never did it again.” [audience laughing] I hear her fucking laughing. She goes, “That’s a lie. Your daddy’s done cocaine a lot.” [audience laughing] “Well, your mom lost her virginity at 13. Go ahead, tell them that story. Yeah.” “Yeah. She’s a whore!” [Bert laughs]
[audience laughing]
And she just leans into me, she goes, “First of all, I was almost 14.” [audience laughing] “And shit, ain’t nothing to do in my hometown but fuck, fight, and race.” [audience laughing] I’m like, “Who did I marry, Ricky Bobby?” [audience laughing] “Sorry I ain’t no prude like your daddy. Your daddy’s only been with six people.” “And he lost his virginity when he was 17.” I was like, “First, I’ve been with six women, not people.” [audience laughing] And 17’s a normal number. But they’ve already heard 13. Now they’re looking at me, like… [gasps] “Were you homeschooled, Dad?” [audience laughing] I’m like, “Thirteen’s the fucked-up number in this story.” “Seventeen’s normal. I’m so sorry I wasn’t molested like your mother.”
[audience laughing]
I didn’t spend high school in the back of a pickup truck in a field all “Next!” [audience laughing] I fucking hate that I love this woman. [audience laughing] My buddy… My buddy sold his company, made a lot of money, and got rid of his old wife, upgraded. Twenty-seven years old.
[scattered cheering]
Yeah. Oh yeah, yeah. He brought her to our house, showing her off. “She can’t read at all.” [audience laughing] That night, I get in bed with my wife. My old one. [audience laughing] Socks on under the covers. [audience laughing] Sweater on. Bifocals. Reading a magazine. Gotta lick that dead old dry finger to turn a page. [audience laughing] [laughing] I was drunk. [audience laughing] [Bert laughs] I leaned over… This is the relationship I have with my wife, okay? I just lean over, look at her, and go… “I wonder what I could upgrade to.” [audience laughing] [laughing] She looks at me and goes, “I’d like to see you fucking try.” [audience laughing] She’s all, “You wouldn’t know what to do with the floor model.”
[audience laughs]
New car smell with the push-button start. [imitates engine revving] I said, “Yeah, I’ve been working with the old beater too long.” Just… [imitates engine spluttering] You ever get your wife close to an orgasm and watch it just disappear? You get her right there… [engine cranking] [engine slowly revving] Then the cat jumps up on the bed. “Are we fucking this bitch?” [audience laughing] You’re like, “Goddamn it, Gus Gus, get the fuck out of here.” [audience laughing] Here, let me go. One, two, three. That’s how it’s done. Jesus, fuck! [audience laughing] [audience member cheers] I’m fast at sex. I’m so fast, one time I had an orgasm and she laughed. [audience laughing] She goes, “Shit, I don’t think you could’ve gotten AIDS from that one.”
[audience laughing]
Yeah. [laughs] She’s a bully. A fucking bully. She doesn’t give me a blowjob. Oh, no. She toys with me. Grabs my dick. Stares at me, just, “Oh.” [audience laughing] [moans] [audience laughing] [moans] “Oh, oh.” Is this thing on? [audience laughing] Do you know how soul-sucking it is to have to fake laugh to get your dick sucked? As a comedian… I told my buddy Tom this, he goes, “That would break my spirit.” He goes, “Know what I’d do if I was lucky to suck your cock?” I was like, “Please tell me.” [audience laughing] He said, “I’d respect the fact that you’re a comedian, and I would bring you original material every time.”
[audience laughing]
I said, “Like what?” He didn’t flinch. “I’d grab your dick, look you in the eyes, and go, ‘This week, on a very special episode of Man v. Food.'” [audience laughing] “‘One man takes one dick to the mouth until it explodes.'” [moaning] We cried laughing. [audience laughing] And then one month later, I’m in bed with my wife. She goes down to give me a blowjob. I completely forgot the conversation I had with Tom… [audience laughs] …until she… taps on my dick, and I start laughing hysterically. [audience laughing] She goes, “Finally, you get it.” I said, “What?” She goes, “Get the joke? It’s a microphone.” I said, “You thought I didn’t get the joke?” [audience laughing] She goes, “You don’t laugh.” I said, “Because it’s not fucking funny.” She goes, “Not funny, why are you laughing now?” I said, “I’m thinking about Tom.” [audience laughing]
[audience cheering]
“He does this better than you.” [audience laughing] [Bert chuckles] She’s turned my daughters into bullies. Yeah. We were watching a documentary the other night on Gandhi. All I said was, “I don’t get the whole hunger strike thing.” My daughter Georgia looks me up and down and goes, “No shit.” [audience laughing] They don’t call me Dad. They have nicknames, like “Chonk.”
[audience laughing]
Or “Fetus.” They call me “Fetus.” [audience laughing] They had a nickname they were calling me behind my back for two years. We’re at dinner one night. LeeAnn sends a text. Both the girls giggle. “Oh, good one, Mom.” [audience laughs] I said, “What is it?” They said, “You wouldn’t get it.” I said, “I’m the funniest motherfucker at this table.” [audience laughing] “My comedy’s paying for this dinner and those teeth. Run it by me.”
[audience laughing]
Ila’s like, “I don’t think you’d find it funny.” [giggles] So I go to the bathroom. I come back quick. I look over Ila’s shoulder. She’s slow. [audience laughing] What I see is a series of pictures of me, and the chat thread is titled, “Baby Walrus.” [audience laughing] My stomach drops. I sit down at the table. I go, “What the fuck is Baby Walrus?” They freeze. They’re like, “Oh, it’s not, ‘What’s Baby Walrus?'” [audience laughs] “It’s, ‘Who’s Baby Walrus?'”
[audience laughing]
I said, “Who the fuck is Baby Walrus?” Ila goes, “I think you know who Baby Walrus is.” Georgia goes, “Calm down, Dad.” “It’s just Mom thinks when you put on fancy clothes, you look like a baby walrus who’s trying to escape from the zoo.” [audience laughing] I looked at LeeAnn. She goes, “Calm down. You actually behave like a baby walrus.” I said, “No, I don’t.” And then the waitress came over. She goes, “Double Tito’s and soda, big glass, no lime?” I didn’t even think I did it. I went… [groaning] Ila pulls out here phone. “Baby Walrus loves vodka.” Click, click.
[audience laughing]
I will destroy these women. [audience laughing] My daughters are dumb as fuck. We went camping one time. [audience laughing] Whole family goes camping. Middle of nowhere. Ten o’clock at night. Girls are roasting marshmallows. LeeAnn’s over by the tent, cleaning up. I’m drinking moonshine. Ten o’clock at night, we hear a gunshot ring out. Just… [imitates gunshot] We’re frozen. LeeAnn’s a redneck. She’s like, “Someone got their period,” or whatever. [audience laughing] [laughing] [audience continues laughing]
[audience cheering]
[Bert laughing] She’s not even this big of a redneck, but she hates this accent. [audience laughs] So it’s gonna get worse throughout the show. [audience laughing] It’s ten o’clock at night. We heard a gunshot. We’re fucking frozen. No one says a word for ten seconds. And then we hear another gunshot ring out. [imitates gunshot] My daughter Ila pulls her marshmallow out of the fire, looks at all of us very confidently, and goes, “Well… we know it’s not a suicide.” [audience laughing] I was like, “Thanks, Matlock.” [audience laughing] She goes, “Two gunshots, Dad.” “I follow your math there, big brain.” [audience laughing] This child will make you stupid by proxy.
[audience laughing]
We’re in the car one time. Georgia’s up front, I’m driving. Ila’s in the back seat. And we drive past a sign that says, “Deaf child.” And immediately I hear the think tank in the back start bubbling. [audience laughing] Ila just, to herself, goes, “Oh, well, that’s racist.” [audience laughing] I go, “Nope. No, it’s not. That’s… That’s not what racism looks like.” And Georgia goes, “Ila, they put that sign up so we know when we’re in this neighborhood we should lower our radios.” I’m like, “What the fuck?” [audience laughing] “No, finish this. I want to hear the end of this.” [audience laughing] She goes, “So we don’t rub it in that we can hear, right, Dad?”
[audience laughing]
I’m like, “No, that’s not… Shit, you’re dumber than she is.” “No. No.” “No, Georgia, that’s not why they have that.” “It’s so you know there’s a kid that may not hear your car coming, Georgia.” And then Ila leans up at the front and goes, “So are deaf kids like guns?” [audience laughs] “Do you have to register them with the state?” [audience laughing] I’m like, “What are you talking about?” She goes, “Well, Dad, how do they know where to put those signs?” [audience laughing] And now I’m sitting in the front seat of this clown car, thinking sincerely to myself, “How do they know where to put those signs?” [audience laughing] You cannot put me and this child together. We’re bad news.
[audience laughs]
We’re dumb as fuck and we have impulse control problems. [audience laughing] We went to Georgia’s choir concert one time. Four hours long, just to set the scene. Four hours of choir. And LeeAnn doesn’t even sit in the room. She sits in the back and sells baked goods with friends and chitchats for hours. Meanwhile, Ila and I have to sit in the front row for four hours. She’s having a blast. Ila and I are getting fucked in the ass.
[audience laughing]
Two hours into this choir concert, choir teacher comes out and lets us know they’re auctioning use of the school snow machine to the highest bidder. Opening bid is $50, and I feel Ila shaking like a junkie next to me. [audience laughing] I go, “What’s wrong with you?” And she goes, “Fetus…” [audience laughing] “…we need that snow machine.” I’m like, “Uh, we’re getting that fucking snow machine.” [audience laughing] She’s like, “Should I go out and ask Mom?” “Fuck that bitch. She’s not here.”
[audience laughing]
“I’m a parent also, Ila. I can make decisions too.” [audience laughing] She’s like, “Do we have $50?” I go, “Baby, without your mom in the room, we have stupid fucking money.” [audience laughing] “Watch and learn. I’m about to drop a big dick on this room.” [audience laughing] I stand up in the front row. Teacher gets excited. “Do I hear an opening bid of $50?” I said, “Honey, cut out the riffraff.” “Make it 500.” [audience cheers] Room goes crazy. I sit down. Ila’s shaking back and forth. “Ahh!” [audience laughing] I go, “What’s wrong?” She goes, “You just dropped a big dick on the room, Dad!”
[audience cheering and applauding]
Laughter dies out. I hear one dad in the back still laughing. I’m like, “Shit, we got a problem.” [audience laughing] Ila’s like, “What is it?” “There’s another alcoholic dad here looking for action.” [audience laughing] “It’s gonna be a long night, baby.” Dude in the back just stands up quick, “550!” Whole room does that. “Oh!” Except for my daughter, who punches me in the leg and goes, “Stand up and be a man.” [audience laughing] “Tell him 600, Dad.” I said, “No, baby, that’s not how we’re gonna play it.” “Now’s when we hit him with the razzle dazzle.”
[audience cheering]
She… She goes, “What’s that?” I said, “You stand up, you say 600, then turn around and wink at him.” [audience laughs] Now she’s turned into a baby walrus. [groaning] She goes, “I can do that?” I go, “If you don’t, you sleep outside.” [audience laughing] This is what a thousand parents saw: a fifth grader in the front row stand up. In fairness, I didn’t know she was nervous. I also didn’t know the kid couldn’t fucking wink, okay?
[audience laughing]
[scoffs] Who the fuck can’t wink? [audience laughing] She turns around trembling. Finds her guy, goes, “$600!” And then proceeds to have a seizure… [audience laughing] …trying to eke out a wink. Just… [audience laughing] Sits down, she goes, “How did I do, Dad?” [audience laughs] I go, “You just dropped a big dick on that room.” [audience laughing] Old boy in the back is losing his fucking mind. He stands up, he goes, “Baby girl, $700.” I’m like, “Whoa, you coming after my daughter, bro?” [audience laughing] I stand up, stare him down, I go, “$800.” Ila stands up, “$900!” [audience laughing]
[scattered applause and cheering]
I’m like, “You’re bidding against me, you fucking moron.” [audience laughing] She’s ear to ear, “Hit him with the razzle dazzle, Dad!” [audience laughing] We won that snow machine for $1,800.
[audience laughing and cheering]
Yeah.
[audience cheering and applauding]
Yeah. [applause continues] I got… I got in trouble. [audience laughing] I did. My behavior was… questionable. [audience laughing] I can’t tell if it’s… I can’t tell if it’s me or the fact that I live in L.A. Like, I think if I lived here, I’d be like a pretty normal dad.
[audience cheering and applauding]
Dare I say progressive. [laughs] [audience laughing] But in L.A., I’m a problem. I’ll… I’m gonna… Okay, I’m gonna tell you a story. But do not insert your politics into it, okay? Just listen to the story, enjoy it for what it is. Okay. [audience laughing] End of Ila’s fifth grade year, they throw a dance. They taught all the kids the foxtrot in fifth grade, right? Parents sit in the auditorium and we watch kids do the foxtrot on stage, go out, milk and cookies 8:30 in the morning, call it a day. Boom. We show up at eight o’clock. Kids aren’t on stage. Kids were in the auditorium. Teachers off to the side. She’s crying. Parents are irate. It’s a shitshow. Pull us outside as the parents. Teacher addresses the parents. “I…” [exhales] “All I can do is apologize.” “What I’ve done is horrific.” “And if you’ll allow me the opportunity to keep my job, I will do better.” In the back, I’m like, “Someone fucked a kid.”
[audience laughing]
I’m starting to loosen up to go high-five a fifth grader. [audience laughing] And she says… “Two weeks ago, in preparing for this dance, I assumed your children’s gender, and I paired them up boy, girl.” “Now, I understand what an egregious error I have made, and if you give me an opportunity, I will show you I’m not the monster you think I am.” Now, hold on. I want to say this real quick, just so we’re clear. I want every child in this world to feel 100% awesome 100% of the time. I’ll do what I can to make that happen, that is how I feel.
[audience cheering and applauding]
But it’s fifth grade, right? Like… [audience laughs] It’s 8:00 in the morning. We’re hungover. Let’s wrap it up. [audience laughs, cheers] I think we’re done, right? Cool? Forgiven. First parent stands up. She goes, “My name is Jennifer. Pronouns: she/her.” I’m like, “Oh, shit.” [audience laughing] “This isn’t gonna go well.” She goes… “Our household are strong allies.” “We have family members in the community, and I want you to know that I can hear that apology, but it is shallow.” “Actions speak louder than words, so if you do keep your job, you should do better.” And she sits down. Now, I don’t know if you know how this works, but the next parent has to out-liberal the first parent. [audience laughs] You can’t be like, “Eh,” because then you look like Alex Jones. “Frogs are gay. Hoo!” [audience laughing] And it goes around the horn. They light this bitch up left and right. And the teacher, God bless her, she’s taking it on the chin until it gets to me and LeeAnn. I’m like, “I’ll take this.” LeeAnn’s like, “Please don’t.”
[audience laughing]
I said, “Hi, my name’s Bert. I’m Ila’s, uh, parent.” [audience laughing] I said, “First off, it’s fifth grade.” “No one’s finger-fucking in the back of a Jetta tonight.” [audience laughing] It’s 8:30 in the morning. Everyone’s listening now, right? [audience laughing] I said, “As Ila’s parent, it goes without saying that I do not care if my child dances with a boy or dances with a girl.” “I will do everything in my power to love her and support her.” [audience cheers] Yeah.
[audience cheering and applauding]
“As long as it’s white.” Now… [audience laughing] How do you not go for the fucking joke? It’s right there! It’s right… It’s 8:00 in the morning. They didn’t see it coming. [audience laughing] The pronoun parents lost their fucking shit. [screams] LeeAnn hops up. [in thick Southern accent] “He’s a comedian! He’s a comedian!”
[audience laughing]
They’re like, “Listen to her accent. They’re racist!” Dude, I’ll tell you the worst one. The worst one, LeeAnn and I one time went to a wine tasting-slash-raffle. Tuesday night… On the way there, LeeAnn’s in the car. She’s driving. She’s like, “Let’s not get fucking wasted tonight.” I’m like, “Too late!”
[audience laughing]
♪ I’ve been drinking in the shower ♪
[audience laughing]
It’s a Tuesday night. I’m getting ripped. Are you kidding me? Yeah, I have a one-hitter in my pocket. It’s going down. [audience laughing] I get there. I’ve never been to a wine tasting. They don’t give you, like, big goblets. They give you these baby cups, like Michael Jackson’s about to eat our assholes. [audience laughing] I think that’s how he did it. I’m not sure. [audience laughing] So I bail on the tasting. Find the dads that party. Ten dads over by the stage. They’ve already bought all their wine. They’ve opened up the bottles and drinking like it’s Game of Thrones. [audience laughs] One dad’s in an Austin 3:16 shirt. I’m like, “That’s my fucking table.”
[audience laughs]
So I go over to them, chop it up. Work my way to the raffle towards the end of the night. My buddy Darren’s running the raffle. I go, “Yo…” “What you got in the pot?” He’s like, “I’ve only sold 40 tickets.” I said, “Oh, your prizes suck?” He goes, “No, I got 12 great prizes.” I said, “Bullshit. Why is no one buying tickets?” He goes, “The parents found out that the money for this raffle doesn’t go to our school, but an underprivileged school.” “They don’t want to chip in if their kids won’t benefit.” “They’d rather spend money on wine.” I’m like, “Are you fucking serious?” He goes, “I guess.” I said, “Okay.” “How many tickets do you want to sell?” He’s like, “Well, 700 is our goal.” I said, “Cool, put me in for 660.” He’s like, “For real?” I said, “Yeah, but close the raffle now.” [audience laughing] He goes, “If I do, you’re gonna win a lot of the prizes.” I go, “Darren, I want to win all of them.”
[audience laughing]
He goes, “If you do that, that’ll upset some parents.” I go, “It would break my heart if it didn’t.” [audience laughing] I go, “You want to make your money or not?” He goes, “I want to make that money.” I said, “Give me 660 tickets, close the raffle right now, and do not tell a soul.” [audience laughing] “What about LeeAnn?” “Definitely don’t tell her.” [audience laughing] This man took me to the back of a wine bar and started a giggle that lasted the entire evening as he peeled off… [audience laughing] …six hundred and sixty tickets. When he handed them to me, he was shaking like he was selling drugs in ninth grade.
[audience laughing]
I ripped off the first ticket and the last ticket. I said, “Darren, anything in between, you know I have.” [audience laughs] I have never been more excited for any event in my life. The birth of my children? [blows raspberry] [audience laughing] I picked the table furthest from the stage where they were calling the numbers and mapped out my parade route. [audience laughing] I had two tickets in my hand. LeeAnn came over. “You bought raffle tickets?” I go, “A couple.” [audience laughing] He called the first number. I practically leapt out of my shoes. I was like, “Oh, that’s me!”
[audience laughing]
I bumped into every parent on the way. “Oh, I’m so sorry.” [giggles] “No, I won. I have the winning ticket, I…” “There’s 12 prizes, and I won the first one!” “Bert Kreischer. Yes, that’s my name. I’m so sorry.” [audience laughs] I get to the stage, grab my prize. Ten drunk dads are there. They’re like, “What did you win, Bert?” I go, “It’s a Fitbit.” [giggles] “I’ll be tracking my steps tonight, boys.”
[audience laughing]
Get back to the table, look at LeeAnn. I go, “Make some fucking room.” [audience laughing] He calls out the next number. I go, “Oh shit!” [audience laughing] “That’s me too!” I start to walk. My wife, unprovoked, stands up on the foot of her stool and announces to this wine bar, [in thick Southern accent] “My husband is the luckiest guy in the world!” [audience laughing] “Swear to God, I swear to God.” “I wouldn’t be shocked if he won all 12 prizes.” [audience laughing and applauding] I’m on stage now, like, “From her mouth to God’s ears.” [audience laughing] Grab my prize. Ten drunk dads are like, “What did you win?” “Don’t know, don’t fucking care.” [audience laughing] Get back to the center, I go, “Call the next fucking number, Darren.” [audience laughs] He calls it, I look at LeeAnn, I go, “Bingo, bitch!” [audience laughing] The king is back!
[audience cheering and applauding]
[Bert laughs]
[cheering and applause continues]
Now I’m just staring at parents, going, “What did I win, Darren?” He is crying-laughing, and he goes, “Diamond earrings.” [audience laughing] I go, “Well, pierce my ears and call me Kaitlyn.”
[audience cheering and laughing]
I’m on stage putting diamonds in my high school holes… [audience laughing] …when I see the energy of the room shift. It’s starting in the back with a circle of people around the principal, who yells out, “Check his tickets!” I yell back, “Mind your own business!”
[audience laughing]
She does not like that. And now she storms the stage. “I see three prizes but only two tickets.” “I want to see his tickets.” Darren Turbow is laughing way too hard to do anything. And I watch the energy of the room halt. The dudes in the kitchen, they’re not cooking anymore. They’re looking out that little sliver of a window, just… The bartender who was making a drink audibly slows down, just… [imitates shaker slowing down]
[audience laughing]
The ten drunk dads who trusted me now are looking at me like I let them down. [audience laughing] The way a child looks at his sports hero and goes, “Say it ain’t so, OJ.”
[audience laughing]
[scattered applause]
I let that energy breathe… [audience laughing] …as I reached into my pockets, grabbed onto 658 tickets like they were a hot rattlesnake, threw them in the air and went, “Read ’em and weep, motherfuckers!”
[audience laughing, cheering, and applauding]
The room went fucking bananas. Ten drunk dads pounding on the table. “Let’s fucking go!” [audience laughs] The principal is livid. I look at LeeAnn. She is not laughing. [audience laughing] Principal sees this, makes a beeline to my wife, gets in her face and goes, “You need to make him stop right now.” [audience laughs] My wife doesn’t even miss a beat. Takes a breath and goes… [inhales] “Sugar, he hasn’t even started.” [audience laughing]
[audience cheering and applauding]
Oh. “Honey, honey, there’s nine more prizes and his shirt’s still on.” “It’s gonna get way worse.” [audience laughs and cheers] Then my wife kills her glass of red wine, looks at the stage and goes… [in Southern accent] “Call the next fucking number, Darren.” [audience laughing] Prize number four, my shirt came off. [audience laughs and cheers] Prize number five, Steve Austin’s shirt came off. [audience laughing] Prize number six, a mom unwittingly in the back said just a little too loud, “Who the fuck is this guy?” [audience laughs] To which the bartender replied, “He’s the fucking machine!”
[audience cheering and applauding]
[Bert laughs] [Bert laughing]
[cheering and applause continues]
By prize 11, the room was polarized. [audience laughing] You either absolutely loved what was going on, like the ten drunk dads and the bartender… [audience laughing] …or you hated it. And if you hated it, you were now surrounding the stage protesting the raffle. [audience laughing] These Capitol stormers… [audience laughing] [audience cheers] …were unhappy with the outcome of their day, and took it upon… Look, when he called prize 12, I knew what I had to do. I had to hit him with the “suck it.” Just… [grunts]
[man in audience] Suck it!
Twenty of them, just around the horns. Suck it! Suck it! Suck it! Suck it! Suck! Suck! Suck! Suck! Suck! Suck! Suck! Suck! Suck! [audience laughing] I was ready. It was my job. And as he called the number, I go to hit the first “Suck it” and realize I don’t have that ticket. [audience laughing] Oh, you think you were upset? Ten drunks dads are pounding on the table going, “Recount! Recount!” [audience laughing] The people that hated me were mocking me at the top of their lungs. They’re like, “That’s what you get, fat boy!” “Put your shirt on, loser! You’re a loser!” They were so loud, I could barely hear my wife in the back go, “Oh, that’s me!”
[audience laughing, cheering, and applauding]
We won all 12 prizes.
[audience laughing and cheering]
And then I spent the rest of the night drunk, shirtless with my ears pierced… [audience laughing] …holding 11 prizes, walking up to parents, going, “What did you guys win?” [audience laughing] “Oh, I won everything. I totally forgot.” [audience laughing] The best part of that story, in my opinion, is that LeeAnn got it. That she got the… She doesn’t always get the joke, you know? Like, some things just… [audience laughing] January 2020. I’m on a flight with my wife to Burlington, Vermont. We get a text from my buddy, Tom Segura. Now… yes, yeah.
[audience cheering]
If you do not know who that is, he’s a stand-up comedian who cannot do… that. So… [audience laughing] That simple act.
[audience cheering]
That little act will make this leg explode. [audience laughs] And this arm will break in half right here and spin in circles. Crazy. Crazy. Big racist. Now he said… [audience laughing] Yeah, yeah. Big fan of Nazis. Anyway… Tom sends me and LeeAnn a text, a group text, and it says, “Hey, I don’t know if you guys have heard about this new virus called the coronavirus, but it’s a real thing, and I just read an article in the L.A. Times.” “There’s been an outbreak in your neighborhood.” “Here’s a link to the article. You might want to check it out.” This is January 2020. I’m in a panic. I have heard of it, but in our neighborhood? So I clicked the link. I don’t know if you got this. [audience laughing] But it wasn’t an article. [audience laughing]
[audience cheering and applauding]
It was a picture of a Black man… [audience laughing] …naked on the side of a bed, just… [audience laughing and applauding]
[audience cheering and applauding]
I open the link, see the picture, I laugh. It’s funny, right? [audience laughs] I finish my double Jack on the rocks, lots of rocks. [audience laughs] I pass out. I wake up in Burlington, Vermont to my wife in a tizzy. We’re on the tarmac and she goes, “Did you get that text from Tommy?” [audience laughs] I said, “Yeah, I did.” [audience laughs] She goes, “Fucking terrifying.”
[audience laughing]
I said, “I wouldn’t say that. I think that’s racist.” [audience laughing] I mean, it’s more than I could fit, but yeah. [audience laughing] She goes, “No, it’s in our neighborhood.” [audience laughing] I go, “Did you click the link?” She goes, “No, I didn’t have time.” “Flight attendant made me put my phone away.” I said, “You have to click the link.” [audience laughing] She goes, “Is it bad?” I said, “Worse than you think.” [audience laughing] [Bert laughing] And I watched this woman click that link. And the picture of that man… His name’s Wood, fittingly. [audience laughs] …comes up, and I watch her just see it, and she goes, “Oh no!” And swipes out. My wife doesn’t like looking at big cocks. So… [audience laughing] Thankfully. She looks at me, confused. Now, I’m just chuckling. [audience laughing] She clicks the link again. [audience laughing] Must have been user error, right?
[audience laughing]
Same picture shows up, only this time I watch her attempt to scroll… [audience laughing] …as if she’s gonna find an article attached to that picture. [audience laughing] Finds no such article. Swipes out. Clicks the link a third fucking time. [audience laughing] I am now crying-laughing. And she goes, “I don’t know what’s so funny. My phone’s broken.” [audience laughing] I said, “It’s a joke.” She goes, “What?” I said, “What do you mean, ‘What’?” “It’s a picture.” “You thought you’d read an article, now you’re looking at this cock.” “It’s a joke.” [audience laughing] She goes, “That’s not funny.” [audience laughing] I said, “I disagree.” [audience laughing] I watched you open it three times. It got funnier and funnier. [audience laughing] Her face goes white and she goes, “No, that’s not funny.” “I sent that to all the moms at Georgia’s school.” [audience laughing] I go, “You’re right, that’s not funny. That’s fucking epic!” [audience laughing]
[audience cheering and applauding]
I grab her phone and read the replies from the moms. The best were the cool moms who were like, “I hope that doesn’t hit my house.” [audience laughing] One mom was like, “My ninth grader is not ready for that.” [audience laughs] Our friend Lynn Gruson wrote back, “Are you sure that’s the coronavirus?” “I think I had that in college.” [audience laughing] And then she goes even paler and she goes, “I sent that to our girls.” [audience laughing] I called Georgia, I go, “George, Mom sent you a link to an article.” “Did you see it?” She goes, “Dad, I can’t unsee it.” [audience laughing] “I was at softball practice. I opened it in front of the coach.” [audience laughing] I was like, “What did Coach say?” [audience laughs] “Coach said we need to get one for batting practice.” [laughs] [audience laughing] I go, “What about your sister?” She throws Ila the phone. I go, “Ila, Mom sent you a link. Did you see it?” She goes, “I did.” [audience laughing] I said, “What did you think?” She goes, “Interesting article.”
[audience laughing]
My daughters have the most fucked-up sense of humor. [audience laughing] For Georgia’s birthday one year, she gets a psychic. She’s gonna tell her and all her friends about their past lives, right? The lady comes to the house. She’s 100 years old. Sits down across from Georgia and her friends. Ila and I are at the end. She goes, “Okay, who’s the birthday girl?” Ila hits me and goes, “One hell of a psychic, Dad.” [Bert laughing] [audience laughing] [Bert snorts] Georgia’s like, “I am, I am!” She puts her palm out and the lady goes, “Okay…” “In a past life, you were a general in a great war.” “You were responsible for the death of 257 men.” “Those men’s souls will haunt you until the day you die.” Ila’s next to me. She just goes…
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
[Bert laughing]
[audience laughing]
The best one, from one of Georgia’s birthdays. Both the girls pull me aside, “Hey, Dad.” “We want to go to an escape room.” I’m like, “Both you geniuses?” [audience laughing] “You guys gonna put all 80 IQ points together and see what happens in a room?” Shut the fuck up! [laughs] They’re like, “We want you to go too.” I go, “You want to add drugs and alcohol? Okay.” [audience laughing] “Good call.” They go, “No, you and Papa.” I go, “I’m gonna stop you right there.” [audience laughs] “Uh, me and my dad don’t work well together as a team.” “Okay, ladies? It’s not gonna end well. It’s gonna end horrifically.” And they both are looking at me, and they go, “Yeah, we know.” [audience laughing] I said, “What?” Georgia goes, “That’s what I want for my birthday.”
[audience laughing]
“I want to see Papa lose his shit and you have a panic attack.” [audience laughing] I was like, “All right, he’s cheap. I’ll call him.” [audience laughing] So I call my dad. My dad is 75 years old. Lives in Tampa. Losing his hearing. I go, “Hey, Dad. When you guys are out in L.A., the girls want to go to an escape room.” He goes, “Rape room?” [audience laughing] I go, “Yeah, Dad, that’s what they want.” [audience laughing] “They want to go get raped together. All of us.” [audience laughs] “And then after we’ve all been raped, we want to go to The Cheesecake Factory.”
[audience laughing]
I go, “No, Dad, an escape room.” And he goes, “Escape room? What the fuck’s an escape room?” And I hear my mom in their kitchen, going, “Yes! We’re going!” “I saw about this on the internet. We’re going!” “I’ve always wondered how I’d fare in a kidnapping.” [audience laughing] My dad’s like, “Pump your brakes. We’re not going.” “What the fuck is an escape room?” And my mom’s like, “They grab you, they throw you in a van.” I’m like, “Don’t listen to Mom, Dad.” [audience laughing] I go, “Dad, it’s a room where we pay these kids 200 bucks.” “They lock us in the room, and we gotta figure out how to get out.” And he’s quiet on the phone for a second, then he goes, “Give me 50 bucks. I’ll lock your kids in a car.”
[audience laughing]
[Bert chuckles] My mom snatches the phone away and goes, “Tell my granddaughters we’re going.” “They can count on us.” “Are we supposed to wear leather?” I’m like, “Easy, Mom.” [audience laughing] So we go. Me, my wife, my parents, my daughters. We all go. Now, here’s where it starts to veer wrong. As we start driving, you know how escape rooms normally happen in, like, a mall? This was in a dude’s house. [audience laughing] He had converted every room in his house into an escape room, much like John Wayne Gacy. [audience laughing] We pull into the neighborhood. My dad’s like, “No fucking way.” [audience laughing] Georgia’s like, “Pop, I heard it’s really scary.” He goes, “I’m shitting my pants now, ladies.” We see a house painted all black, no landscaping. LeeAnn’s like, “I think that’s it.” My dad’s like, “Keep fucking going.”
[audience laughing]
Get out, go up to the door, knock on the door. Dude’s already in character. Oh. Dude, it’s L.A. This guy’s good. Silk robe, towel around his head, stroking a kitty cat. And he just goes… “Have you seen my mother?” My dad grabs my hand, he goes, “What the fuck did he just say?” [audience laughing] I go, “He’s looking for his mother.” He goes, “Tell him his mother can suck my dick.”
[audience laughing]
My dad’s like, “Is this real? Is this real?” I go, “It’s part of the escape room. Play along.” He goes, “Would you like to see a tour of my house?” And my mom’s, “Yes, we would love to see a tour.” “What’s your mom’s name? How old is she? Where’d she go to college? Take notes.” So we go on a tour of the house. The women are into it. And my dad is picking this guy apart left and right. He’s like… [sniffs] “He smells like shit.” [audience laughing] “Buddy, I think he fucking lives here. I think he lives…” “What kind of fucking lunatic lives where every room is an…” “He was just eating lunch.” “He’s eating mac and cheese with coffee. Who the fuck drinks coffee…” “Black coffee with mac and cheese? He’s got IBS, I guarantee you.”
[audience laughing]
I’m like, “I don’t think these are helpful clues, Dad.” [laughs] The guy comes in. “Like to see Mother’s room?” My dad goes, “Absolutely fucking not.” [audience laughs] My mom’s like, “Yes, we want to see.” He’s like, “Mother doesn’t allow car keys, cell phones, or wallets, so empty your pockets and put them on the kitchen table.” And like sheep, we’re like, “Okay.” [audience laughing] We empty our pockets. Walk into the room. And the second I step into the room, I feel the door shut and lock behind me. And I have a panic attack. [audience laughing] The first thing I think is, he didn’t ask our names. [audience laughing] We didn’t give him a credit card. [audience laughing] We didn’t fill out a waiver.
[audience laughing]
We didn’t even really check the address. [audience laughing] We just saw one sketchy house in a neighborhood, knocked on the door, he presented a problem, and we’re like, “The Scooby-Doo gang will figure it out.” [audience laughing] Now we’re locked in this fucking house. My dad’s next to me going, “Tell me where I steer wrong in this story.” [audience laughs] “Did you just walk your family into a serial killer’s house?” [audience laughs] Georgia goes, “Papa, isn’t this scary?” He goes, “You have no fucking idea.” [audience laughing] “You two are getting sold to the goddamn Albanians tonight.”
[audience laughing]
“You’ll be working in a Chechen whorehouse the rest of your lives.” Ila’s like, “Papa, how do we get out of here?” He goes, “I think I have to suck that guy’s dick.” [audience laughing] “Someone’s sucking his dick. I nominate your shithead dad.” [audience laughing] My mom’s in the corner, “You think he’s gonna tie us up?” My dad’s like, “Shut the fuck up, Maggie!” [audience laughs] “Your shithead son just walked us into a serial killer’s house who smells like shit.” “Did anyone smell this guy?” “Maybe it’s because he eats mac and cheese and coffee all fucking day.” Guy’s like, “Sir, I can hear you.” [audience laughing] Now I’m having a full-blown anxiety attack, and for me, they happen in my stomach, and I have to shit immediately.
[audience laughing]
I’m looking around the room for a vase or something to shit in. [audience laughs] My dad knows me way too well. He goes, “Oh fucking no, you don’t!” “It’s tennis camp all over again. He’s gonna shit in the houseplant.” “Goddamn it, this fucking shithead walks us into a serial killer’s house, and now he’s gonna shit in his mom’s room?” [audience laughing] My daughters are skipping, they’re so excited. [audience laughs] My wife is a fucking savage. She saw four clues by herself. [audience laughing] Pulls a lever under the desk. House lights drop out. We hear two screams and a thud. Lights click back on. I’m holding both my daughters like a human shield. [audience laughing] My mother’s on the floor in a steamer trunk. “Your father threw me into the wall!” [audience laughing] My dad’s like, “Fuck her, she’s a liar. She tripped.” [audience laughing] Guy’s like, “I saw it. He threw her into the wall.”
[audience laughing]
LeeAnn solves two more clues and a trapdoor opens up out of the wall, exposing a crawl space two feet tall by three feet wide, down the length of the wall into another room. My mom sticks her head in. Pops out and goes… [gasps, chuckles] “I think we should all get in the wall.” [audience laughing] My dad’s like, “You first.”
[audience laughing]
She gets in the wall, he goes, “Fuck her, she’s dead to us.” [audience laughing] “Good riddance. We didn’t need her.” LeeAnn gets in the wall and he goes, “There goes the brains of the operation!” “I’m stuck with you three shitheads. Get in the fucking wall.” I go, “I’m not getting in the wall, Dad.” Georgia goes, “Make Dad get in the wall.” I go, “Georgia, I’m claustrophobic.” Ila’s like, “What’s Christmas have to do with this, Dad?” “Shut the fuck up, Ila!” [audience laughing] My dad’s like, “Buddy, I got bad news for you.” “You’re getting in that fucking wall.”
[audience laughs]
He goes, “Girls, you get in first. Big guy, I will be behind you.” “You close your eyes. Listen to my voice.” “I’ll coach you through the wall, and trust me, if you freeze up, I will bulldoze your ass through that fucking wall.” [audience laughing] “Now, let’s fucking go.” And we get in the wall. My daughters, me, my dad. I listened to his voice, like when I was a kid and played baseball. “We got this, big guy.” “We can do anything.” “Listen to my voice. We can do this. Me and you. Big team.” Now… [audience laughing] …I don’t know if it was… the angle of my body… [audience laughing] …the anxiety… that was resting in my stomach… or shimmying on all fours… [audience laughing] …but I let out a novel virus fart, like…
[audience laughing]
The kind that come out of your ass like hot breath, just… [moans] [audience laughing] The kind of farts that escape your body like a curse out of a mummy’s sarcophagus, just… [hissing] [audience laughing] The kind of farts that burn your asshole. Just the fart, the air burns your asshole. And you think to yourself, “That was air. I’m gonna be shitting blood later.” [audience laughing] And I release it into my father’s mouth human centipede-style. [audience laughing] He goes from coach to cunt real quick. Just, “We got this, big guy!” “We can… We can…” [groans] [audience laughing] “Oh fuck, keep going.” [groans] “We can do any… [groans] What the fuck?!” “I think we rolled up on a dead animal.” [groans]
[audience laughing]
“I think it’s asbestos.” [groans] “It’s burning my eyes! Keep moving.” [groans] “I feel like I’m in the tunnel from Shawshank Redemption.” “Why aren’t you moving?” [groans] “It’s in my skin!” “It’s burning my clo…” [groans] “Move, asshole!” I turned around, I go, “I can’t. I think I’m gonna shit.” He goes, “You did this?!” [audience laughing] “You did this?! I think you gave me cancer!” [audience laughing] [groans] “I can taste it in my molars! Keep moving!” [audience laughing] [groans] My daughters come flying out of that wall the happiest they’ve ever fucking been. [audience laughing] Go right up to my mom and they go, “Nana, it’s happening.” [audience laughing] I come out of the wall, I’m like, “Nana, big guy’s unhappy.”
[audience laughing]
My dad comes out of that wall like Saddam Hussein out of a spider hole. [audience laughing] “Cocksucker! Motherfucker!” “God! You’re going to a fucking doctor!” [audience laughing] “That is not healthy. That is not…” “He shits like your side of the family, Maggie.” “You need a colonoscopy. You need a colonoscopy.” “That’s what’s wrong. I’m telling you. Where the fuck’s your goddamn wife?” [audience laughing] LeeAnn comes out of the rafters of the ceiling… [audience laughing] …and is like, “I think I solved the escape room, Albert.”
[audience laughs]
“Try one of the doors.” He goes, “The fuck I will!” [audience laughs] Grabs the first handle of three on the wall, and it doesn’t move, it’s just locked. [imitates rattle] My daughters now have crossed their legs. They’re about to piss their pants. He is at a level nine. “Motherfucker!” [audience laughs] Grabs the next door. Nothing. “Cocksucker!” Grabs the third door, and as it flies open, he turns his back to the door, looks at us and goes, “Fucking finally!” [audience laughing] He doesn’t see what we see… [audience laughing] which is a 90-year-old woman in her nightgown in a closet. She’s been in this closet for 45 minutes. [audience laughing] I don’t know who’s more scared, her or us.
[audience laughing]
She’s trying to adjust her eyes to the light and remember her line. And she just goes… [yelling] My dad shuts the door… [audience laughing] …puts his heel on it, and he’s like, “Everybody, back in the fucking wall!” [audience laughing] My girls are now on the fucking floor. Georgia looks at me and goes, “This is better than I thought it could have ever been!” [audience laughing] My dad looks at me and he goes, “What the fuck are they talking about?” I go, “Dad, you’re not gonna be happy when you hear this.” [audience laughing] “But the only reason they wanted you to come… is for this right now.” [audience laughing] He goes, “To solve the escape room?” I go, “No, to watch you lose your shit.”
[audience laughing]
He’s still standing there, heel on the door. Looks around the room like he’s trying to find someone to love. [audience laughing] Lands on my daughters and he goes, “You wanted this?” [audience laughs] “This is what you wanted.” Looks at his watch and he goes, “My Apple Watch says my heart rate’s 154.” [audience laughing] “I’m 75 years old, ladies.” [audience laughing] “I’m on nine different medications.” “I got high blood pressure, high cholesterol.” “Your father just shit in my mouth!” [audience laughs] “And we got the old lady from Titanic locked in a fucking closet!” [audience laughing] “And this is what you wanted?” Ila looks at Georgia and goes…
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
[audience cheering and applauding]
Omaha!
[rock music playing]
[audience cheering and applauding]
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
[cheering and applause continues]
[rock music continues]
[audience cheering]
[rock music continues]
