Arsenio Hall: Smart and Classy (2019) – Transcript

Arsenio Hall performs his first stand-up comedy special, filmed live in San Jose, California in April 2019.
Arsenio Hall: Smart and Classy (2019)

Ladies and gentlemen, Arsenio Hall.

What’s up? -Oh, yeah. Hey. Oh, shit. I’ve been coming to San Jose for a long time. This is such a wonderful night. I first came to San Jose opening for The Spinners. Yeah. Way back when y’all wasn’t as nice to a motherfucker as you are tonight. – You know? Yeah, I opened for The Spinners. I– It was when you would see “The Mighty Spinners” on the marquee, and under it, “Arsenio Hall,” and you thought that’s where the fucking show was gonna be at.

You know? I was at a restaurant– I walked in a restaurant recently and there’s a couple sitting in the front booth, lady and a man. And the lady looks at me and smiles, you know? And she has that knowing look and I’m like, “Yeah.” I gave her some Arsenio shit and I did that to her, you know. As I walked away, I heard her say to her husband, “Honey, it was the guy from Blade.” – I was like… You bitch, you… -Poke your fucking eyes out of there. -“Stop it, Wesley! Stop!” Yeah. That’s God’s way of putting the Hollywood ego in check. That’s happened to me before. I was– I was walking at Universal City, and there’s a family of four coming towards me. And they were all happy and looking for a Sharpie in Mommy’s purse ’cause they thought they saw Wesley Snipes. And I knew they didn’t know who the fuck I was. I knew it! You know, the kid– The kids was doing this… -I knew they didn’t know who I was. And my job is making people happy. Making people smile. And I’m thinking I won’t even tell ’em -who the fuck I am, you know? Just let ’em think they had a brush with greatness. Let ’em think they’ve met Wesley. Why not? -Fuck it. As they got closer, I said, “I’m going to act just like Wesley.” -I kicked the boy in the throat. The little boy, I caught the little boy. He was like, eight. I fucked that little boy up. Caught him right on the Adam’s apple. Now he has a memory from when he met Wesley. He talked like Miles Davis the rest of his fucking life. “Wesley Snipes kicked me in the throat. -Motherfucker said, ‘Always bet on black.’ I don’t fucking get it.” Right as I was walking away, -they said, “Can we get autographs?” – Yeah! Yeah, and I’m thinking like that’s forgery. -That’s forgery, you know. I know the law. But they were smiling. They were so happy, so I’m like, “Fuck it.” I know what my job is. I’m gonna make ’em happy. I’m gonna write the shit Wesley would write. -So I wrote, “Fuck the IRS. -Love, Wesley.” Yeah. Yeah. “Uncle Sam, suck my To Wong Foo. Love, Wesley.” -I got creative with the shit. “The Asian vagina is the tightest vagina on the planet. Love, Wesley.”

Oh! I was in Alabama. Arrived at the airport in Alabama, got out of a SUV at curbside. This is a crazy one, I’m still in therapy over this one. This is crazy. I step out of the car. There’s a man and his son, and the son’s holding a basketball. And the man steps to me, swear to God, man steps to me and said, “Excuse me, Mr. Rodman?” -And I’m like, “Oh, shit! -Motherfucker, no, you did not. You did not just mix me up with fucking Dennis Rodman. -No, you didn’t. No, you did not.” Yo, I know white people have that “All black people look alike” thing, but stop it, y’all! Stop it. Dear white people, you gotta start looking at details and shit. We do not all look alike. And if we do, it’s us and that n i g g a over there. -Dennis, he’s not with us. It’s us, we all look alike. Yo. That fucked me up. He was sincere. He wasn’t snapping, he was sincere. And I’m like, “Look at details, motherfucker. Look at details. I ain’t got no tattoos, I ain’t got no nose ring. I ain’t got no hepatitis, – I don’t understand. -What have you seen?” Oh, shit. I will kick your son in the throat, mister. I know I’m not Denzel, but Dennis, n i g g a? Dennis? – Oh my God. Fuck. And you know, I think what it is, is when I see Dennis on TV, he’s always like crying or some shit, you know, in the news. And everybody look ugly crying. -And Dennis is always crying in a clip. Remember? He brought Trump and Kim Jong-un together. And I think that n i g g a thought he was gonna get a Nobel Peace Prize ’cause he… “My friend…” He was so emotional, he couldn’t even say Kim Jong-un’s name. That motherfucker said, “Kim Yum-Yum.” I’m like, “Kim Yum-Yum? If that’s your friend, you should learn his name.” -Kim Yum-Yum? Kim Yum-Yum is a stripper I met in Orlando. -Shit. Kim Yum-Yum is… somebody Robert Kraft hooked me up with. -I got a good massage and happy ending and shit. Kim Yum-Yum a bad bitch, but I think he meant Kim Jong-un. Oh my God. – “Kim Yum-Yum…”

Kim Jong-un. I can’t stand that little fat motherfucker. Fat-ass. -Bad haircut-having motherfucker. Testing missiles? Test a new barber, bitch. -How about– You know, your fade is fucked up. -You need– You need to ask Trump for a barber from Harlem to straighten out your fade, fat motherfucker. He better stop fucking with us, threatening us. Ain’t nothing he can do with America. He better make friends testing his missiles. And I’ve seen satellite footage of his missiles failing. He don’t even know if that shit will work. You know? I’ve seen that shit just fall over. Motherfucking missile needs Cialis -or something, I– I don’t make missiles, but something wrong with his fucking missiles. I’ve seen them fail. He’s like the Wile E. Coyote -of international leaders and shit. Motherfucker got missiles with “Acme” written on ’em. He be trying to scratch it out with crayon and write, “Un.”

Don’t wanna compete with America. -We’re the greatest. Yeah, we’re the greatest. Maybe– maybe they can have a marching contest with us. North Korean army? You ever seen them motherfuckers march? Them’s some marching little n i g g a s. -You ever seen them march? On the news, if you walk past the TV you be like, “Look at them motherfuckers march.” They be– The legs be locked and shit. Them motherfuckers be bouncing. Yeah, right? They be marching they ass off. And then they got little tricky shit they do. I saw him salute, and they like dabbed. I don’t know what dabbing is in North Korea, but them motherfuckers was marching, -they said… I said… “Look at them n i g g a s march.” They like the Alphas or the Q’s or some shit. Them n i g g a s is stepping. We can have a marching contest. We still gonna win ’cause we America. I’ve seen our soldiers march. And… And we got some shit– We got some shit for you. We gonna have our soldiers work out with New Edition before the contest. -Yeah. Right. Now they’ll turn that shit out. It’d be, ♪ If it isn’t love, Why do I feel this… ♪ We turn that shit out. We turn that shit out. -America. Yes.

Oh, man. It’s a great time to do stand-up ’cause there’s so much going on. At the same time, it’s a scary time to do stand-up. You think every word could end your fucking career. Even Jerry Seinfeld said that shit is too politically correct. – Yup. -You know? – Yeah! -And by the way, I speak for this whole group. If Jerry Seinfeld offends you, fuck you. -You know? -I mean… -Come on. Jerry offends you? You a little thin-skinned. -You a little thin-skinned. You might wanna fucking join ISIS and get the fuck out of here -if Jerry offends you, you know? You should be at the Damascus Improv this weekend. Get the fuck outta here before we build a wall around your motherfucking ass. Jerry offends you. It’s hard to do stand-up. Now you be nervous, you know?

Roseanne had the racist tweet. Bam! Everything. They fired her, she’s over, and… And you know what? I wasn’t as mad about the tweet as I was that she blamed the racism on Ambien. I love Ambien. Yeah, thank you. I thought it was a melatonin crowd -for a moment, but uh… Oh, man. There’s a certain time in life where there’s nothing like a good fucking nap. -You know? Fucking Ambien nap. And I was mad, ’cause I was like– Not at her, but I was like, “Ooh, I hope that’s not true,” and it turned out it wasn’t, ’cause I don’t want Ambien to make you a racist. -You know? ‘Cause I wouldn’t stop taking it. I love my Ambien naps. I would just be a motherfucker at the mall talking about, “White devils!” I’m sorry, ma’am. I’m– I’m sorry. -I had an Ambien nap and I… think I had some kind of racist Tourette, I think. My bad. That would be fucked up if you didn’t know what that was, you know? Have an Ambien nap and be walking around saying like, “White women smell like baloney.” I have racist Tourette, I think. I don’t know, I took an Ambien nap. I need a physical. You know what’s funny about what I just said? I’m looking at some of y’all are laughing, but I see one lady who’s like, “What’s that shit about baloney, motherfucker?” -She’s like, “No, you tried to slide -that baloney shit. What– What’d n i g g a say about baloney and white women? What the fuck?” Oh my God. Oh my God… Take a half an Ambien, by the way. A half. Yeah. No, not a whole one. Yeah, you’ll pee on yourself. -I took a whole one and– Yeah, I took a whole one one time and I thought I was dreaming about waterfalls in Hawaii and some shit. -I just was pissing… on myself, you know? I woke up and my room was smelling like R. Kelly’s recording studio and shit. -I was like, “What the fuck?” Yeah. It was embarrassing, you know? I was standing with some sheets. ♪ I believe I can lie ♪

I think people who don’t curse… are living dishonest. You gotta let that shit out. Be honest. You ever been walking through your house, late at night, in the dark, with no shoes on? And hit your baby toe on a piece of furniture? -Ooh… Yeah, see? I see the look. Y’all know what I’m talking about. That shit hurt. Yeah. You have– You can’t say “fudge nugget.” -You got to say “shit.” I believe the pope would say “shit” if he hit his toe. And I love this pope. This pope would probably say “shit” and “motherfucker,” the pope we got right now. “Shit! Motherfucker! I gotta get my Birkenstocks. -I’ll be damned.” God puts extra feeling in that baby toe. And no self-esteem. You ever notice that? I see pretty ladies, no matter how fine you are, your baby toe is like this. -It’s depressed and shit. No fucking self-esteem. The baby toe be leaning on the other toes. “How y’all doin’? Y’all all right?” -Little ugly motherfucker, right? You can feel it in your shoe sometimes, you know? The other toes, “Get your black ass off me, motherfucker! Get off me! Rotten-ass baby toe looking motherfucker. Get off me! Just stand up straight.” No matter who you are. Your baby toe may be prettier than mine, but it’s uglier than your other four, right? Sometimes the lady don’t know what to do when you go weekly, she’s just standing there with an emery board -and like a tear in her eye. Right? She look like the Indian from the pollution commercial back in the day. “I don’t know what to do with this ugly motherfucker.” ‘Cause it won’t die, it won’t grow, it look the same every week. You don’t know what color polish to put on it. ‘Cause you put red on the other four toes, and that one look dark crimson and shit. -You don’t know– Do I need a white base? Do I put some pink in it? How do I make that little black motherfucker lighter?

And I see pretty ladies laughing. You know what I’m talking about. One of the prettiest women in the world is from my hometown, Halle Berry. Agreed? Yes. Halle Berry. I don’t care what race you talkin’, what age you talkin’, one of the most beautiful women in the world. But I saw her– Yes. I saw her with flip flops on. This is true. Don’t let this leave the room. Saw her with flip flops on, and I ain’t going to go too far into this, but she’s a perfect ten from head… to ankle. But that’s just between us. That’s just normal. Everybody. Your baby toe is… is crazy-looking. My woman has beautiful feet. But that baby toe… Her foot, except for the baby toes, is perfect. But the baby toe, it look like she had a transplant that went wrong or something. Like an episode of Stranger Things, when you look at her baby toes… Look like somebody put Dikembe Mutombo’s toe on her foot. One time I was getting ready to suck her toes and the baby toe said, “No, no, no!” And then I was like, “Oh, shit.” I wish I had that on video.

I was at a comedy club and the manager of the comedy club told this young lady when she came off stage that she was banned from the club because he told her not to use the “m-word” again, and she did. “Midget.” She said “midget” and got banned. We’re so politically correct. But here’s what bothered me. He told her, “That’s just like using the ‘n-word,” and I said, “Err!” No, it’s not, motherfucker. I had to get into shit. I was getting into somebody else’s business, but no, the m-word and the n-word, there’s nothing like the n-word. I’m sure midgets have been through a lot of shit. Don’t get me wrong. -I get it. But not like n i g g a s. There’s nothing like the n-word. If you don’t want me to say midget, just tell me don’t say midget, but don’t tell me it’s like the fucking n-word. It is not. You don’t see no movies where midgets are taken from their people into another country -and forced to pick cotton. You’ve never seen a midget– -♪ Swing low, sweet chariot ♪ You’ve never seen a midget with Kenny Norton in Mandingo 2. -Hervé Villechaize and Kenny Norton. ♪ Swing low, sweet chariot ♪ Never seen that shit. So don’t, don’t do that. Don’t do that with the n-word, you know? Nobody ever told a midget, “I’m changing your name.” Nobody ever did that to a midget. “What’s your name?” – “Pecari Maximus.” It’s like, “From now on, you’ll answer to ‘Itty Bitty,’ motherfucker. -Say it! Say, ‘Itty Bitty.'” It’s like, -“My name is Itty Bitty. It’s Itty Bitty.” “Hey, Fiddler. My name is Itty Bitty now. But it’s really Maximus.” Yeah. Nobody ever gets angry at the sight… of a midget. Right? You’ve never seen a Western bar… You frontin’. You’ve never seen a Western bar where a midget walk in, you know, and a bunch of rednecks be, “Look at that fucking midget. Messing with our women.” And a very sharply dressed midget is like, “Where the white hoes at? Hey bitch, come here. Let me talk to you. San Jose snow, yeah.”

You wouldn’t believe that I’m the son of a Baptist preacher. Gosh. When I first started stand-up, my comedy hero used to always approach me and say, “Look, a smart, classy comic doesn’t have to curse and be dirty.” And I used to say, “Okay, Mr. Cosby.” I was like… I love to say “Mr. Cosby” in an audience of people. Yeah, that just tears the room in half. I heard some asses getting tight, you know. Right? Over in this area I heard… ‘Cause everybody feels different about that, you know? Yeah, some of you are like, “I’m so glad he said that.” And then other people are like, “You know them 60 bitches lied, right? They all lied.” There are two sides of the issue, clearly. I remember seeing a picture of all the ladies on cable news and I’m like, “Wow, that’s a lot of women.” You know? And I saw people I knew. That affects you. I saw actresses I knew and models I knew. I saw everybody but Oprah and Madea, it felt like. -It was very– It was like… Madea would have whooped his ass, though. That would have been a nice… -a nice UFC fight, Madea and Bill Cosby. – Over a cup of coffee and shit.

Yeah, but that’s one of my comedy heroes. You know what I’ve had to do? I’ve had to separate the artist from the man, you know. I mean, the artist has done so much for the black image on television and he made me laugh as a kid and he’s given so much money to black colleges. I’ve had to separate Dr. Huxtable -from Dr. Fuxtable is what I’m saying. -That’s what I’ve had to do. Everybody has to handle it in their own way. -You know? I saw– I saw Lady Beverly Johnson, who I know, a model, and she told her story. It was interesting. She said that Bill Cosby put some shit in her drink, but it didn’t put her to sleep. She was able to cuss him out and call a cab. And I was like, “That goes to prove, once again, you really can’t drug an old school New York model.” You really can’t. She was like, “Motherfucker, I take this for fun, Bill. This shit right here? I went to summer school at Studio 54, motherfucker. You can’t put me to sleep. How ’bout if I fuck you, Bill? Come here. Come here, Bill.” She wasn’t going to sleep.

I saw the court trial where the lady got the guilty verdict. Her name was Andrea Constand. And I don’t– Did y’all see her? Y’all see her in the news? ‘Cause initially when she walked in, I saw her walk in, I was like, “Oh, shit. Why is Colin Kaepernick here?” -I didn’t know who that was, you know? And then I realized that was her. I also realized she don’t want no dick. He’s guilty. She don’t want– You can look at her, she don’t want no dick. She has never wanted no dick, Bill. She looked so much like Colin Kaepernick I figured she, before she fell asleep, just took a knee and said like, “Motherfucker.”

Mm. Yeah, see, when you’re black, you have less heroes. So this stuff is important to you. You know? That’s why a lot of people can’t let it go. They’re still, “I don’t know about that Cosby thing. There’s not enough women yet.” Tiger Woods. You know, my favorite golfer. At one time, the greatest golfer in the world was a black man. Don’t tell him, though. Don’t say it to him, he gets mad. -But he is, he’s black. He’s black. Fuck them words he be making up. He’s black. Tiger Woods, man. He’s… I think he’s finished. You keep wanting– Like he did really well a couple weeks ago and you’re like, “Oh, Shaq gave him some Icy Hot.” -And he’d be like, you know… But it’s just a… a good day. Just one good day. And the other days he golf like Charles Barkley. The other days just like… – “That was terrible.” – Terrible! – Terrible! And then the fall from that infidelity chapter. Um… I thought he would become a better golfer after all that stuff because I’ll tell you, like me, whatever I’m doing in life, if my relationship is right, I’m focused and I’m better at anything that I’m doing. But apparently Tiger was better on the 18 holes when he had 18 hoes. Yeah. That motherfucker was good when he was… staying out late with waitresses. Yeah. And then the DUI thing happened with Tiger Woods. I woke up– This is how it happened for me. I woke up, I turn on the TV, and I’m like, “Oh… Tiger Woods is in the freeway with the police and he ain’t got on no fucking shoes.” And he got no shorts and I’m like… And I heard him babbling about pills. I call my girl, I said, “Baby. I think Bill Cosby raped Tiger Woods.”

I’m sorry. I was making up fake news. I was like… “That’s not what happened at all.” You know? I was tweeting the shit already, you know? I had to erase all my tweets. My publicist, “Are you out of your fucking mind?” “Tiger Woods got Jell-O puddin’ on his back.” You know? -And I’m like tweeting this shit out. It’s like, “Motherfucker, that’s the reflection of the police light.” That’s not Jell-O pudding. That was… Delete, delete. I was making up fake news.

I was recently in Washington. There was a protest. Interesting protest against… I guess you would call it white privilege. I don’t understand why the owner of the Redskins won’t tell Native Americans, “Fine. I’ll change the name.” I mean, there’s so many animals we don’t use. The lemming. -They could be the Washington Lemmings. You know, everyone follows the fucking lemmings. You know? -We don’t– You know what I’m saying? It’s ’cause– they were protesting because they don’t like that Redskin icon that you have on the helmet, a smiling ass Indian. You know, this is a people. This is not an icon. -This is our native people. You know what I’m saying? -It’s like– Here’s the thing. Sometimes you’ve got to put yourself in a situation, and that’s how I thought about it. Like if there was a team– If I came up here and y’all had a new team called the San Jose Light Skin Negroes -or some shit like that… You know? And y’all had fucking helmets with Drake on the side, I’d be like, “I’m staying till Monday to march on you motherfuckers. I’m marching.” Y’all can’t put Drake on a fucking helmet. -I’m staying to march on this bitch.

Yeah, I worked… in D.C. and then to, uh… I went to see the monuments. There were monuments I’d never seen before, like the MLK monument. And it’s funny, all the monuments have these incredible things you can read. There’s quotes. And we’ll probably live long enough– One day, there’s gonna be, like, a Donald Trump monument in Washington. -‘Cause he’s our president. Yes. I know y’all may not like it, but it’s gonna be a little orange monument -with tiny ass hands and shit or something. I don’t know, they can get creative with it. And they’re gonna have to put something– They’re gonna have to put “Grab them by the pussy” in granite. Right? I mean, that’s his greatest quote so far. “Grab them by the pussy.” The monument you have to rush your kids by. It’s like, “Come on, let’s look at the Reagan one. Don’t read that. -Bring the kids. Bring the kids.” It’s interesting that no rapper ever wrote a song after that incident called “Grab Them By The Pussy.” Usually hip-hop imitates life, but even the rappers were like, “No, we don’t talk about women like that, motherfucker. -That’s rude. Uh-uh. You don’t grab nobody by their pussy.”

We are a generation of parents that have to teach our kids, “Don’t you talk like the president. I done told you, I don’t mind you talkin’ like Future, -but don’t you talk like the president.” Oh, man. -Kanye should have done a song. ‘Cause Kanye like him and shit, you know? They could do the video in the Oval Office where we last saw them hanging out. A Kanye track called “Grab Them By The Pussy” might work, too.

♪ Grab them by the pussy, The pussy, the pussy, the pussy ♪

That got a– You could floss to that.

♪ Grab them by the pussy, The pussy, the pussy ♪

Kanye could turn that shit out. Be number one on the Breitbart chart. Throw some bars in there. Get Trump to sit at his desk. You know.

♪ He’s taking over the political game ♪
♪ Don’t challenge him, ‘Cause that would be insane ♪
♪ He’s the Twitter-in-Chief He piss you off and make you laugh ♪
♪ Bill Clinton asking for his autograph ‘Cause he grabs them by the pussy ♪
♪ Grab them by the pussy ♪

Yeah, that shit work, right? For Kanye. When I first met Donald Trump, I thought we’d get along. ‘Cause rappers used to talk about him and he was liked a lot more then. I thought, you know, we had stuff in common. We both like baseball, we both like politics. We both really like his daughter. -And– I thought it might work out, but, no, it didn’t. It didn’t. Yeah, I was on Celebrity Apprentice one season. -And– Yes. -Yeah. Yeah, see? The applause used to be larger for that. Yeah. I won Celebrity Apprentice. -Yes. -Yes. The first black celebrity to win. I’m the Jackie Robinson of Celebrity Apprentice. But we don’t get along. And now people don’t give a fuck that I won. ‘Cause he chose me. You know what it’s like? It’s like being a little puppy who won the Westminster Dog Show and then somebody tell you that we don’t give a fuck ’cause we found out Michael Vick was the judge, you know? – It’s like, “Aw, man.” Me and Donald Trump are so different. I saw him eat a chicken wing with a knife and fork once. Yes. Yeah, and when you poor, the whole game, you grow up getting all the meat off the bone. Right? You can’t– If Donald Trump was at my house, my mother would slap the shit out of him if he picked up a knife and fork. “Fuck you doing with that knife and fork? You can’t clean that wing with a knife and fork.” I was a wing ninja when I was little -’cause you can’t get another wing until you clean the meat off that bone. “Can I have another wing?” “No, there’s more meat on that.” I would decimate a wing, you know? You could take a wing off my plate and run it over to CSI. They wouldn’t know what animal it was. They’d be– “I think it’s a frog, but this motherfucker, he sucked the DNA out of this bone right here. -We don’t know what animal this is.” My family, we bite the tip off a wing. That pointed tip? And chew that motherfucker. Swallow that. If you cook it well done and you eat that? Can’t do that with a knife and fork. Plus, that look crazy. You look crazy eating a wing with a knife and fork. That’s like you coming to bed to eat her pussy with a lobster bib on or some shit like that. -It’s like what kind of shit– The optics on that are very strange, sir.

Bernie Sanders is back.

– Yes!

She said, “Yes!” She had a Bernie-gasm. -She said, “Yes!” I like Bernie. I would like Bernie if he was my neighbor or some shit, you know? But I don’t know, the presidential thing, I think he missed his window. You know? Bernie should have run against Lincoln. -Or somebody. Yeah, Bernie older than a motherfucker, Bernie. -You can look on the internet and find pictures of Bernie throwing tea over the boat and shit back in the day. That motherfucker old. You can’t be president if you go to bed at five. Mm. I hate politics. I hate politicians. -You know? Yeah. I– I’ve been around a long time and it’s all the same bullshit. I’m a republi-crat. Yeah, that means I’m suspicious about all them motherfuckers. Hillary ran against Donald Trump. I don’t trust neither one of ’em. That’s like asking me who my favorite Menendez brother is -or some shit, you know? Fucking Hillary and Donald Trump. I don’t know. Erik, Lyle, either one of ’em. Eenie meenie miney mo.

You know what’s interesting? I look at the audience and I see people of all colors and everybody’s laughing at the same shit. Maya Angelou used to say we’re more alike than we’re unalike. -We’re all in here doing– Yeah. -Having fun. Gotta laugh to keep from crying. The only real difference in black people and white people is black people like lotion more than white people. -That’s all, really. I read that in a Johns Hopkins’ report. -It’s a brilliant piece. Dry skin is important to us. My mother was like the Dry Skin Avenger and shit. -Dry skin– Like if you’re white there are words you don’t even have to know. You can tell a lot about a culture by the words they have. We have a lot of words for dry skin. You could be white all your life and never have to know what “ashy” means. -You don’t have to know. At no time did your mother ever scream at you and say, “Look at your ashy ass. -You can’t go to church with them ashy-ass elbows. Look at your elbows. Get me some lotion.” You never dealt with that. “Rusty.” You never heard your mother use, “Look at your rusty-ass -motherfucking knees.” You know? If I said to you, “Look at your rusty-ass elbows,” you’d probably say, “Will it affect my FICO score?” He wouldn’t give a fuck ’cause dry skin is a black thing. -It’s a black thing. Yeah, my mother used to get upset about ashy skin. I’ve– I’ve seen my mother sitting in church and there was a man on her left. He wasn’t a relative. I saw my mother– We knew him, but I saw my mother while he was singing, she licked her finger and rubbed it on his knuckles. -Motherfucker’s knuckles was ashy. And my mother was like the Ashy Avenger. She– “I can’t. I can’t have an ashy motherfucker around me.” God’s lotion, that’s God’s lotion right there.

I had a conversation with my son. Me and my son were talking about his major. He chose his major and I’m like, “Hey, you got to choose for yourself. I don’t know what to tell you to do. I just hope that you can educate yourself and give back to your community -in some way.” You know? And that’s– I didn’t know what else to tell him. Like I told him, I said, “We need scientists that deal with black problems,” like somebody to work on the lotion pump. -I told him. That’s the talk you’ve gotta have with young black men now, about the lotion pump. I told him, “We need a scientist– You ever notice how the lotion pump coagulates too quickly? Somebody needs to work on it.” I use lotion three times on the hour and sometimes you put lotion in your hand and right in the middle of the good lotion -is that hard-ass lotion booger? That lotion maggot, that little hard motherfucker? You trying to get it out of the good lotion and shit. Sometimes you don’t feel it ’cause you’re rushing and you end up at church with a lotion booger on your neck and shit. People just laugh at you. They don’t even tell you. ♪ Jesus keep me near the cross ♪ Everybody laughing. “If she knew Jesus he’d tell her she got a lotion booger her neck.”

Who would have imagined– Like if you went to a psychic two years ago, and they told you, “Um… Bill Cosby will be in jail and OJ will be out.” You would have said, “Give me my fucking money back. -You don’t know what you’re talkin’ about. That’s impossible.” But here we are. I read an article where OJ said he wants to be a preacher. Yeah, that shit made me laugh, too. ‘Cause if OJ preached, he’d have to preach the Nine Commandments, okay? That motherfucker don’t know all ten. Come on. He don’t know all ten.

Anybody got a friend that always got negative shit to say? To the point where you almost try to avoid them? -Anybody? Yes. Ooh, let’s talk about them motherfuckers. Just people that– You could say, “Hi,” first and, “Beautiful day out.” But they start conversations with, “You know who got chlamydia?” -“Stop, man. Stop. The fuck you bring that to me for?” You know? But he said to me, out of the blue, “Yo, man. I didn’t know OJ didn’t like you, bruh.” And I’m like, “What?” This is the Butcher of Brentwood -you’re talking about, okay? Don’t tell me this motherfucker don’t like me. Somebody who’s been accused of cutting off heads and shit. Don’t tell me this motherfucker don’t like me. Now that’s in me. I can’t stop thinking about that now.

I went to Vegas. -And apparently OJ lives in Nevada now. Okay, I walk in a restaurant with my girl after my show, we go to have a steak. And I seat her and then I go to the bathroom ’cause I’m over 50. -And… yeah. Some of you know what I mean. You have to pee all the fucking time when you’re over 50. There are times when I pee and then I’m washing my hands and I say, “Hey, I have to pee again.” Where did that pee come from? I don’t need a prostate check. I should speak to Penn and Teller about this. “This pee just reappeared.” So anyway, I seat her and I’m headed to the bathroom. By the way, don’t you hate when bathrooms make us play gender Jeopardy? Can’t you just put “men” and “women” on the door? -We don’t need to guess what the fuck this is and what the garment is– I’ve gone to bathrooms and it’s like an Amish bonnet and a wave cap. -I don’t wanna guess. I have to pee. I don’t want to guess which is the brother’s bathroom.

You ever go to a game or something and be in the bathroom next to your son? I’ve been at a Dodger game where my son is in the stall next to me and right before I start peeing, it’s like, “Hey, I think Seabiscuit just came into his stall.” It’s like… -I mean, he’s peeing and tearing the fucking urinal up, you know? I see white dust flyin’ and shit. Right? I still haven’t peed, you know? -There’s porcelain going over my stall. I see the words “American Standard” fly that way and I’m like, “Wow, that’s how my dick used to be. That’s how my dick was at one time.” And then he finishes, you know. And I say… -But I’ll be back. I digress.

So I’m going to the bathroom, and I think when you fear something, it finds you in life. Uh… Just as I go to push open the door, the door opens and it’s OJ. -And I’m standing like this, and all the shit you said you were gonna say if you saw him. “No, I’ll just ask that motherfucker, ‘What up, killer? What up?'” -I didn’t say none of that shit. I’m gonna tell y’all exactly what I did. My hand was like this and I said, “Ooh, Juice.” That’s exactly what I did. -I don’t know what the fuck got into me. I’ve never said, “Ooh, juice,” in my life. I’ve been at Jamba and not said, “Ooh, juice.” He scared the shit out of me. I went from Arsenio Hall to Rue Hall. I hugged him and peed two more times.

I was just in Florida. They don’t want OJ to live in Florida. He’s living in Nevada, but they won’t let him come where he wants to go. I guess he did a lot of crazy shit. He had to do crazy shit when he was there ’cause there’s cocaine kingpins in Florida -but they’re saying, “But not OJ. -Fuck that n i g g a, not OJ.” They won’t let OJ come down there. I read stuff I didn’t even know about. I guess when he was there he had a road rage incident, you know, where OJ was on the freeway and somebody gave him the finger. And he followed ’em. Because OJ love a chase. Yeah, that motherfucker, he don’t care if he in the front or the back. He love a freeway chase. And he followed ’em. That’s the ultimate sign of bad luck. What’s the over-under, that with all the people riding around Florida, you can give somebody the finger and when you get to a stop sign, you look in the rear view mirror and realize it’s OJ fuckin’ Simpson behind you? -That’s horrible luck. Now OJ is coming towards your car, putting on a glove and shit. Motherfucker dropping socks and suddenly your mirror says, “This n i g g a ‘s head may be larger than it appears,” and shit. The Juice. He ain’t OJ like he used to be. It ain’t like the commercials in the airport, that motherfucker’s PJ now. He’s prune juice. That motherfucker’s knees– If the light change, he might not get to your fucking car. It’s a new day. A new day.

You ladies… first generation of ladies to grow up… in a Viagra society. That shit sound funny now, but wait till you’re 90 and don’t want to fuck. You’re the first generation of women that have to fuck forever. You have to fuck till you die. You don’t never get to stop fucking. Your grandma used to be able to get old and water her plants and shit and there’s no more fucking now. You guys at 90 are gonna be crazy with that pill, you know? -Motherfuckers 90 years old, “I knocked the dust off that pussy last night.” -You know? It’s like, “Oh, Grandpa.” Remember you could stop by Grandma’s house anytime? You never had to call Grandma. You could just open the door. You could send your kids, “Go on, I’m gonna park the car. Y’all go on in.” You can’t send your kids -in Grandma’s house now. Your kids will be traumatized forever and shit. Kids come back out to the car… “What’s wrong?” -“Grandma was butt naked in a swing. And I don’t know what it means. I don’t know. It just hurt me.”

Everything’s changing. This has changed a lot. This is my favorite thing in the world. My woman hates this. My phone. She’s like, “You’re always on that damn phone.” It’s everything for me. I pay my bills here, it’s my flashlight, -it’s my photo album, it’s my camera… Right? It’s actually everything but a phone for me. How many get mad when somebody call you on the fucking phone? -It’s a new day. Right? You’re like, “Who– Text me, motherfucker. What old motherfucker is calling me and leaving a voicemail? Look at him leaving a– Oh, that’s grandma. She said, ‘Don’t come back.’ She sent the Ben Wa balls emoji. Grandma crazy.”

This is important. I got a new case. I get a new case every couple months. My girl says I take my phone clothes shopping. I do. I take her, too. You know, I go to the Apple Store and get a new case and I let her go next door to Forever 41. You can tell how important something is by how you react when you lose it. -You ever misplaced your phone? I misplaced my phone earlier today and got heart palpitations. You’re not supposed to get heart palpitations over misplacing your phone. I left my son in the mall when he was little -and didn’t get heart palpitations. That’s too important. It makes you crazy. I’ve actually been looking for mine and realized I was on the motherfucker. I’ve actually said, “Wait. Hold on for a minute.” I did that today. That San Jose weed -is a motherfucker there. -Oh, it’s crazy up here. It’s crazy. “Where’s my phone?”

It’s amazing, all over the world, how celebrities get away with shit. I was reading the article about Oscar Pistorius, the blade runner. He got six years for killing an innocent woman, and now they’re gonna give him 13, but that’s still not enough. You all know who I’m talking about, Oscar Pistorius, the blade runner, killed his girlfriend? I can’t stand that spatula-foot motherfucker. -I can’t stand him. This motherfucker– I can’t stand this motherfucker right here. He wants his legs in jail, ’cause they won’t let him have his legs. They can be used as a weapon or something. And he wants his legs. Plus, I don’t want him comfortable. I don’t care what you want. You killed an innocent girl. You should be uncomfortable. I want you in the shower every morning with big South African dicks in your face. -That’s– That’s how you gonna do your 13 years. You know? I wanna see a motherfucker like this… “Come on, Mobotu. Stop, now. Stop. You’re uncircumcised. Your dick stinks, stop. I’m trying to shower.” He said he woke up in the middle of the night ’cause he heard noise in the bathroom, but he didn’t check to see where his woman was. He didn’t even look. Come on, guys. You look. You wake up and the first thing you do is you see where your woman is. And if your woman’s not in bed, and you’re a real man, your first thought is, “Oh, shit. Where’s my cell phone?” That’s your first thought. Yeah. I don’t even go to the bathroom. I go to the top of the steps, “Baby, you got my phone? You downstairs? You got my phone? Stop fucking around and get my phone.”

My woman’s always in my shit. I had to have some Pajamas made. I had pajamas made with a pocket so I can get some sleep. You know? I had pajamas with a passcode made and shit. But she’s the Copernicus of getting in a phone. She getting in a motherfucker’s phone no matter what phone you got. I remember when I used to have passcode digits. I woke up one night and I heard– This is what I heard: -I was like, “What the fuck is that?” I look on the side of the bed, she’s got my phone doing this: That’s some slick shit. Yeah. Oh, y’all know that up here. You ladies, y’all ain’t shit. Yeah, y’all know that you breathe on the phone and fog it up and you can see the most frequently tapped password numbers. Yeah, you’re like, “Uh-huh, that’s his father’s birthday right there. That’s what that is.” Oh, she’s a trip. Hey, I woke up one night and she had my phone, she was over me, and had my thumb, too, and she was doing this -on the new phone. I’m like, “Hey, give me my shit! You’re not gonna bust me with my own fucking thumb. N i g g a can’t even get an Ambien nap in this motherfucker. I smell pee.” Now I got the facial recognition. It’s gonna take her at least a week. ‘Cause eventually, she’ll figure this shit out. Eventually, she’ll have hair around her mouth looking at my phone talking about, – “If loving you is wrong, I don’t wanna be right.” Hey, we’re getting ready to do a sequel, y’all. Coming to America 2. Yes. I’m excited. We old as hell, though, -30 years later. We so old, we won’t have to use makeup for the barbers this time around. The sequel was based on a true story. Um, Akeem and Semmi come to America and beat the shit out of Jussie Smollett for that– -Yeah. -Everybody’s mad. Every… Nigeria, Wakanda, Zamunda. Everybody’s upset at what he did. It’s not just Chicago. “Semmi, get me the bleach.”

I mentioned my girl earlier. My woman is younger than me ’cause I’m in show business and… I love listening to her music. And sometimes I realize my oldies are gonna be better than hers. You know? I love the period I grew up in. I grew up listening to The Beatles -and Earth, Wind & Fire, you know? Oh, man, my favorite writer is Stevie Wonder. -Yes. Yeah, if you’re in love with somebody, when you get home, Google “As,” A-S, and play it for the one you love. “As around the sun the earth knows she’s revolving. Yeah! And the rosebuds know to bloom in early May. Just as hate knows love’s the cure, you can bet your mind assure -that I’ll be loving you always.” -Yes. Fucking Steve. He put his foot in that motherfucker. -My woman ain’t got no oldies like that. You know, when she’s 90, she gonna be talkin’ about, -♪ Shake that ass, watch yourself ♪ I love Mystikal, but that’s not a good song for the elderly. You don’t want Grandma at Thanksgiving walking with mac and cheese, talkin’ about, -♪ I come in with a dick in my hand ♪ “Yo, Grandma. Put the mac and cheese down, Grandma.” I love listening to my son’s music. Keeps me young. And he turns me onto stuff, I turn him onto stuff. He told me one day, he said, “Dad, remember you played Otis Redding for me?” And he said, “Jay-Z has a track where he samples Otis Redding.” And I’m like, “Oh, yeah.” And… when he came home, I wanted him to hear– I forgot what I played for him, but I wanted him to hear “Dock of the Bay” ’cause he had never heard that song. And… this is his stereo. So I said when you get home, also, I want you to see my stereo from college, -which I still have in the garage, you know? I took him out in the garage and I said, “That’s Daddy’s stereo.” He said, “Where?” I said, “All this shit right here. -All this. Here, help me with this speaker. Help me take the speaker.” And we put it together. He said, “Dad, what’d you do when you wanted to take the music to another room?” And I said, “Shut the fuck up -and just help me put this together. Making me feel bad about my childhood. You turn the shit up. You want me to plug it in and pair up the speakers? You lazy motherfucker. We didn’t have no pairing. No, you eat a pear back then. You don’t pair your speakers. Put all this shit together. I take the red and black wire -and I bite the rubber off and expose the copper, -get it in the hole back here. Help Daddy find this hole. I can’t get the copper in the hole.” We put it together and I had Otis Redding’s Greatest Hits and I’m like, “I know Jay-Z sampled it, but I want you to hear the totality of this man’s gift.” You know? And the track… skipped. “Dock of the Bay,” yeah. I put it on, it said, -“Sittin’ in… Sittin’ in… Sittin’…” See, I see some young faces. Y’all don’t even know what skipping is. Buffering, for you. Buffering. Buffering, for you. But you know what I did? I remembered something my mother taught me. Put a quarter on the arm -and it weighs the arm down and you can play a record that has a scratch in it. I put it on and it worked. And we got to listen to “Dock of the Bay.” And I heard the words different than I’ve ever heard them before. You know? I think when you’re a father you listen differently.

♪ Sittin’ in the morning sun ♪
♪ I’ll be sittin’ when the evening comes ♪

And it dawned on me. This is about a lazy motherfucker, this song right here. That’s all you do, is watch the ships roll in and then watch ’em and roll away again? You ain’t got no wife, no kids, you can’t play Candy Crush. There’s no phone yet. I’m surprised you could write a good song. -You don’t do shit. Maybe that’s why so much of that song is– Mm. Thank you once again for coming out. I appreciate you all being here. -Yeah. Yes. If you can, follow me on all the social media platforms. You know, Facebook and Instagram– I like Facebook and Instagram. Twitter is mean. You ever notice how mean Twitter is? Twitter, I don’t know– People follow me, but they hate me, it seems. You know? -It’s people who I don’t even know. That’s the craziest thing. We’re talking to people we don’t know. It’s like leaving your car door open at a red light and having somebody just get in -and say, “Hey, n i g g e r,” and then leave. “Who was that racist that got in my car?” We’re entertaining crazy motherfuckers. But Instagram, I never– Maybe it’s just my followers, or it’s just me, but on Instagram, pictures, you send a picture, you know? One time I was on a private plane, I sent a picture of my breakfast on this plane and I put hashtag “eggs” and you know, people we’re like, “Oh, that’s cool. That’s cool.” And on Instagram you get “likes.” If you put that picture on Twitter, people would be like, “Fuck your eggs, n i g g a.” -You know, it’s like– So why are they so mean? What did I do? “Stick your eggs up your ass, motherfucker.” Yeah, I’ll take Instagram. Plus, I love the name. I’m an OG. I remember when Instagram was a cocaine delivery service and shit. -Yeah. Back in the day. My friend used to run that motherfucker, you know? -He’d arrive at your door, – “Yo, I got your gram. -It’s Instagram. I got your gram. You get a free coke spoon. Here.” I have a picture of Mike Tyson on my Twitter page. This is how mean Twitter is. This is a Sunday morning. I decided to look and see if anybody said anything about my show on Saturday night. I usually don’t read the shit. The first thing I see, the guy says, “Didn’t you and Mike Tyson used to fuck?” “What’d I do? You’re following me… Happy Sunday to you, motherfucker. Happy Sunday to you.” I didn’t know how to take it, it was just so much. All at once.You know? First of all, I wasn’t mad that he was calling me gay. I was mad that he was calling me stupid, you know? -‘Cause you don’t have to know a lot about Mike Tyson. You don’t have to know his win-loss record or who Cus D’Amato was, but all of you know that he bit some shit off once. I bet all of y’all know that, right? So if you’re gay, you’re still not going to fuck with Mike Tyson. That’s suicide. That’s an insane move. Nobody fucking with Mike Tyson. Elton John wouldn’t fuck Mike Tyson. Fucking Elton John would be like, “Not my Rocket Man.” You know?

Thank you, San Jose. Thank you very much. I appreciate you.

♪ The pussy, the pussy, the pussy ♪ And when you’re a star they let you do it. ♪ The pussy, the pussy, the pussy ♪ ♪ Grab them by The pussy, the pussy, the pussy ♪ ♪ The pussy, the pussy, the pussy ♪ ♪ Grab them by The pussy, the pussy, the pussy ♪ ♪ The pussy, the pussy, the pussy ♪ ♪ Grab them by The pussy, the pussy, the pussy ♪ ♪ The pussy, the pussy, the pussy ♪


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Ramy Youssef Monologue SNL March 2024

Ramy Youssef Monologue – SNL | Transcript

Host Ramy Youssef performs stand-up about the holy month of Ramadan, getting a call from the Biden campaign and ends with a prayer for the end of suffering in Gaza and for the liberation of all hostages.

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