ANTHONY JESELNIK: CALIGULA (2013) – Full Transcript

Anthony Jeselnik brings his signature dark and twisted point of view to this special. He holds nothing back, routinely saying things most wouldn't ever dare. Anthony is not for the easily offended or humorless

Anthony Jeselnik. -MAN: Anthony. -WOMAN: Anthony. -MAN: Anthony. -WOMAN: Jeselnik. Jeselnik! Anthony Jeselnik. WOMEN: Anthony Jeselnik! WOMAN: Anthony Jeselnik. -Anthony Jeselnik. -MAN: Anthony Jeselnik. Anthony Jeselnik. Anthony Jeselnik! [ Cheers and applause ] I know, right? [ Laughter ] Thank you, guys. So great to be here in Chicago. I love this city. I like Chicago. Like, I respect Chicago. You know what I mean? Like, if I smoke a cigarette here in Chicago, I’m very polite, and I’ll put it out in an ashtray or a garbage can. If I was back in L.A., I would do what I would normally do and just… [ Laughter ] …flick it at a kid. [ Laughter ]

I really do love this town. I actually once went on a date with a girl from Chicago. Now, this was like 10 years ago, back before I was even a comedian yet. Back then I was just a regular old piece of shit like you guys. [ Laughter ] But I’ll never forget this date, you know? We meet up at a bar. We start drinking, we start talking. We’re laughing together, we’re connecting. It was great. But then we leave the bar, we go back to her place. And as soon as we walk in the front door, she passes out cold on her couch. Now, I went to college. [ Laughter ] I knew I had a million options. [ Laughter ] But I’m a gentleman, so I did the smart thing. I just got a blanket, I tucked her in, and I left her a note that said, “You got raped.” [ Laughter ] Thank you. [ Laughter ] I feel like it’s very important, very important to open up my show with a rape joke. [ Laughter ] Just to see what kind of crowd I’m dealing with here. You guys are gonna be great. [ Laughter ] But if you were upset or you were offended in any way, please don’t worry. I’ve only got two more rape jokes… [ Laughter ] …and I’ll wait about 15 minutes. But don’t think I’m a bad person for making that joke.

Don’t think I’m a bad guy for saying that. I’m a good guy. Like, I would never hit a woman, you know? I would never hit a woman, even if she had a knife or… a stutter. [ Laughter ] It’s not how I do business. In fact, I might be one of the greatest guys of all time. Like, I’ve got a kid in Africa. Yeah, I’ve got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing, you know, compared to what it cost to send him there. [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] You guys are — You guys are doing great so far. I love performing in Chicago. The only weird thing about performing in Chicago, for me, is that, after all my shows, everybody just wants to do drugs with me. [ Laughter ] Like, “Anthony, that was hilarious. I got a joint on me. Let’s go smoke it.” “Hey, Jeselnik, amazing job, as usual.” [ Laughter ] “I’ve got mushrooms in my backpack. Let’s eat ’em.” And I’ve got to keep telling them the same thing I’m gonna tell you guys right now. “Hey, assholes… …I’m fucking famous. [ Laughter ] Give it to me.” [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] I think my friend Jeff is gay. I don’t know. I’m so bad with names. [ Laughter ] It’s tough. Smart crowd. When I was a kid, my friends and I got arrested for vandalizing a graveyard. $10,000 in damages. But we had a great lawyer who knocked it down to criminal trespassing and necrophilia. [ Laughter ] I make a lot of jokes about death. I think it’s hilarious. [ Laughter ] My whole family’s like that, actually, you know? [ Siren wails ] This is how hard I’m fucking killing. [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] My whole family’s like that, kind of, you know? In fact, well before I was even born, my great-grandmother threw herself in front of a bus. Police tried to say she was committing suicide, but the family knew that she was just trying to stop civil rights. [ Laughter and applause ] Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn’t serious, you know? Nobody saw me. [ Laughter ] My little sister had a baby recently. A little newborn. Kid is so cute. But she won’t let me hold him. She refuses. Says, “No way, Anthony. I’m afraid you’re gonna drop him.” Like I’m some kind of idiot. Like I don’t have a million other ways to hurt that baby. [ Laughter ] I will get it done. [ Laughter ] And people get weird when kids die. [ Laughter ] No, that’s a fact. That’s a fact. Like, about a month ago, some kids in my neighborhood were playing hide-and-go-seek, and one of them ended up in an abandoned refrigerator. It’s all anybody talked about for weeks. I said, “Who cares? How many kids you know get to die a winner?” [ Laughter and applause ]

I assume you guys all knew who you were coming to see tonight. But if you didn’t, you sure as shit know now. [ Laughter ] Like, one thing I’ve never understood is, like, the foot fetish. Like, are you guys together right here? Yeah? How long you guys been together? -WOMAN: Five years. -Five years. Wow. Do you ever suck on her feet? No? Would you if you had a different girlfriend? [ Laughter ] Or are you, like, across-the-board no feet? -I don’t really mind it. -You don’t really mind it? You just don’t do it to her because you have mistresses. I get it. ‘Cause I’m across-the-board no feet. I once went on a date with a girl where we went hiking. Her idea. And while we’re hiking, she gets bit by a snake in between two toes. And I had to suck out the poison. So she’s dead.

-What’s your name? -Bridget. -Where are you from, Bridget? -The suburbs. -The suburbs? -Yes, that’s right. That sure narrows it down. [ Laughter ] -What — What do you do? -WOMAN: What? What do you do when you’re not being so fucking boring? [ Laughter ] Take your time. I’m really funny. [ Laughter ] I’m a full-time student. You’re a full-time student. Okay, what do you study? -WOMAN: Psychology. -Psychology. -Where do you go to school? -Rockford College. Rockford College? So you’re not gonna be a good psychologist. Last question, darling. Have you ever been on a blind date before? -You ever do that? -No. No? You’re lucky. I went on a blind date once, just once, and I will never do it again. It was the biggest disaster of all time. She ended up being a burn victim… [ Laughter ] …by the end of the night. I mean, it was, like, the worst… -[ Laughter ] -It was brutal.

I’ve spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend‘s killer. But no one will do it. [ Laughter ] My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet. Did you guys hear what I just said? [ Laughter ] She owned a parakeet. Oh, my God. That fucking thing never shut up. But the bird was cool. [ Laughter and applause ]
My ex-girlfriend had a lot of, like, really annoying habits. I think the worst was that she loved to read women’s magazines, like Cosmo or, uh… or things like Cosmo. And she would flip straight to the relationship quiz. And not only would she present that to me as if it was, like, a fun activity for us to do together — even though every question is designed to fuck my entire world up. But even worse is she would get mad at my answers and make me change them so we’d get the best score. Like, I’ll never forget the last time we played that game. She was like, “Anthony, if you could have lunch with anyone in the world, living or dead, who would it be?” And I said, “I don’t know. Caligula.” [ Laughter ] And she goes, “Really? Caligula? That’s your answer? That’s what you’re gonna say to me, your girlfriend? Are you sure?” I said, “Oh, I’m sorry, baby. Let me change that. I’d have lunch with you. And you’d be dead.” [ Laughter ]
Yeah, we’re not together anymore. She’s got a new boyfriend now. They just moved in together. And I’ve heard rumors that he’s abusive, which makes me want to go over there with a baseball bat and then blame it on her boyfriend. [ Laughter ] But I don’t want to sound like a misogynist up here.
My ex-girlfriend wasn’t, like, a bad person, really. She wasn’t a bad girl at all. But she was terrible in bed. Terrible in bed. I mean, she would just lie there, screaming, “No!” [ Laughter ] That was rape joke number two, baby doll. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] Yeah, clap it up.

My girlfriend now is great. My girlfriend now is almost perfect. And she hates that I tell rape jokes. Hates it. Says, “Anthony, how can you make light of something as terrible as rape after I told you that I got raped in high school?” And I said, “Baby, because I don’t believe you.” [ Laughter ] The point is, my girlfriend is very sensitive, all right? Like, the other day, she got her hair cut. Two inches trimmed off of her hair. Then she came home and cried about that for two hours. Over a haircut. I couldn’t believe it. Finally, I went to her. I said, “Baby, what are you so upset about? It’s just a haircut. I’m the one that’s got to find a new girlfriend.” [ Laughter ] Yeah, she got mad. She got really mad at me. She got really mad at me a couple months ago because she had e-mailed me a naked picture of herself, you know, which is a nice thing to do. But then I screwed up and I accidentally forwarded that e-mail to everyone. [ Laughter ] Now, my girlfriend is furious, mortified, disgusted with me over this. But now I don’t even care about her anymore. ‘Cause now I’ve got to call up my mother on the phone and say, “Mom, I am so sorry about that. That picture, that e-mail… was just for Dad.” [ Laughter ]
My girlfriend and I argue a lot. It’s mostly her arguing with me kind of thing. Like, I should just keep my mouth shut. Every fight we get into is my fault. I should just keep my mouth shut, but I can’t because I’m so fucking funny. [ Laughter ] Like, a couple of nights ago, we go to a party, all right? We get trashed, completely wasted. We wake up in bed the next morning completely hung over. And I know I should just keep my mouth shut, but instead, I roll over, and I say, “Listen, baby, don’t get mad, but I think your mom tried to have sex with me last night.” And she hit the roof. She goes, “Anthony, that’s impossible.” And I said, “Oh. Well, in that case, you should always wear makeup.” [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] I love that joke so much. Here’s why. Did you guys hear, like, the sounds you made? Like that was the worst thing I’ve said tonight? I’ve told three rape jokes. [ Laughter ]
I like to play pranks on my girlfriend, you know, keep things fresh for me, make me laugh, you know? She hates it. But, like, the other night, I put Saran wrap over the toilet seat, you know, which doesn’t sound that original, but she’s bulimic. [ Laughter and applause ] I like that you laugh until I look at you, and then you stop laughing. ‘Cause you don’t want to give me the satisfaction. [ Laughter ] That’s great. You seem like a cool girl in a completely different environment. [ Laughter ]
But we’d make it work, you know? Like, how long have you guys been together right here? -MAN: Three years. -Three years, okay. What would you say is, like, the secret to a good, long relationship? Communication. Communication. Wrong. [ Laughter ] The secret is trying new things together, especially in the bedroom. The other night, my girlfriend and I are in bed together. She says, “Anthony, I want you to pee on me.” Now, I have never thought about peeing on a woman in my entire life. Never even imagined it before. But then I got the green light. And, apparently, it’s my thing. [ Laughter ] Like, I just jumped up right away, you know? But as soon as that begins, she starts screaming at me. Like it’s my fault she talks in her sleep. [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] No big deal for me.
My girlfriend yells at me all the time. She yells at me all the time. And, again, I’m a gentleman. I never think it’s okay to yell back at a woman, no matter what. I mean, you saw how I handled that shit right? [ Laughter ] I never think it’s okay to yell back at a woman. But the other night, she yelled at me for so long and so loud that the cops came to the door, which is embarrassing, because now I’ve got to answer my own door and say, “Officers, I’m so sorry. There is no reason for you to be here tonight. I already tased her.”

I’ve got this friend named Kevin. I call him a friend. More of an acquaintance, really. One of those people who think they’re way better friends with you than they actually are. Like, the other day, Kevin says to me, “Hey, man, you know what I like to do when I’m all by myself and no one’s around?” And before I can say, “Hey, we’re not really friends”… [ Laughter ] …he says, “I like to take peanut butter and smear it all over myself and then let my dog lick it off.” I said, “Dude, you have got to get yourself a girlfriend. I’ll trade you mine for that dog.” [ Laughter ]

You guys are fantastic. It’s great. Relax. [ Laughter ] I really love performing at this place. And, you know, it’s a great place to perform. And I would know. I perform all over the world. Clubs, theaters, colleges, festivals. Colleges are great ’cause it’s just me talking to, like, 18- to 22-year-olds, you know, which is ideal. [ Laughter ] And they teach me things all the time, you know. Like, I was at a college recently, and they taught me the term — Have you guys ever heard the term “but-her-face” before? You ever heard that? Yeah. It’s been around for a long time. If you haven’t heard the term, “but-her-face” is like a girl who’s got a really hot body but her face, you know? But her face is all fucked up. [ Laughter ] Now, when I heard that, I thought that was pretty mean, you know. I’ve never dated a but-her-face before. But I did once date a monkeyface. [ Laughter ] Have you guys ever heard of that? It’s different. A monkeyface is like a girl who’s got, like, a face like a total monkey. [ Laughter ] But the rest of her isn’t that hot. [ Laughter ] Yeah, she was one in a million. I would give anything to go back and pee on her. [ Laughter ] I like telling that joke a lot ’cause people think I’m about to be racist with it. Like, “Oh, Anthony, you are racist.” Well, fuck you. I’m not racist at all. Some of my best friends are black for Halloween. [ Laughter ]

Clubs are great. Colleges are great. Festivals, though — festivals are where it’s at. Festivals — it’s like musicians and comedians hanging out all week. You never get to do that. I got to go to South by Southwest in Austin, Texas, last year, which is a great festival. But I didn’t realize how popular it gets. I drive into town. I’m like, “Hey, where’s my hotel room this weekend?” WOMAN: Yeah. Thank you. [ Laughter ] Thank you for backing me up there. I don’t know. I don’t know what story you think we share, but you are wrong. [ Laughter and applause ] “Yeah, I’m on the same page as this famous fucking guy who travels around the world.” We’re cool. We’re good. So, I… So, I get into town. I say, “Hey, where’s my hotel room this weekend?” And they said, “Well, where did you book your hotel room this weekend?” I said, “I didn’t.” And they said, “Yeah? Your hotel room is in your car, you fucking idiot.” [ Laughter ] It’s 2:00 in the morning. I’m trying to fall asleep in the back of my car. And I get a phone call from the festival. They say, “Anthony, good news. There’s a hotel about three miles away. They have one room that just became available. If you get there right now, right away, they will take care of you.” So I drive as fast as I can. I get there first. Guy behind the front desk says, “Yes, Mr. Jeselnik, we do have one room available. But, by law, I have to tell you that earlier this afternoon, two prostitutes overdosed in that bed.” And I said, “Well, how much more is that?” [ Laughter ] Are you still on board at this point? [ Applause ] But I don’t want to sound like I’m complaining to you guys. I don’t want to sound bitter. Being a comedian is the greatest job in the world, like, greatest job in the world. Once you get to my level. [ Laughter ] The only thing I don’t like is all the travel. I’m always flying somewhere. I’m always in an airport. Even flying into Chicago a couple days ago, two-and-a-half-hour flight delay. I’m stuck in an airport bar talking to some random asshole. And I got nowhere to go. So I’m like, “Hey, man, what do you do?” And he says, and I quote, “Oh, nothing right now. But I used to be a priest.” As in, “Oh shit,” right? But I got nowhere to go. So we keep talking, we keep drinking. Finally, two hours goes by. Guy gets up. He’s like, “Hey, man, I got to catch my flight. But I don’t want to lie to you. I used to be a priest. I got kicked out ’cause I molested a kid.” Now, here’s the thing. After talking to this guy and getting to know this guy for two hours, I have to admit, he was actually a really cool guy, if you could forget about, you know… …all that Jesus bullshit. [ Laughter and applause ] Yeah, that’s a favorite. I’m probably gonna tell it again later. But it’s not all bad news with me, you know? My grandfather turns 100 years old next month. [ Applause ] Maybe. [ Laughter ] I’m… I’m really skeptical. I don’t think I ever got over my grandmother’s death when I was a kid. My grandmother died from a heart attack during my 9th birthday party. Literally while she was eating cake. And I guess that must have screwed me up a little bit, you know? I mean, I still have birthday parties. But now I’m just careful what I wish for. [ Laughter and applause ] My dad’s been having a hard time lately. Keeps on losing his keys. Can’t hang on to a set of keys to save his life. And he has tried everything, too. Little hook next to the door. Little bowl next to his bed. One of those keychains that makes a noise when you whistle, you know. Nothing worked. So, finally, this year for his birthday, the whole family chipped in and we put him in a home. [ Laughter ] And that was not easy. Not an easy decision to make at all. My dad was an amazing man, you guys. My dad was an amazing — My dad raised five boys all by himself… …without the rest of us knowing. [ Laughter ] And, sure, my dad had his problems, you know? He had his issues. My dad was a big-time alcoholic, major-league alcoholic, black-out-every-night kind of alcoholic. But, to his credit, my dad never once laid a finger on either me or my mom, not once. And I don’t know if it was just because he loved us so much or if he just hated my sisters. -But either way… -[ Laughter ] Either way, he was a great dad. I remember a tough time for me. I was like 10 years old. My parents call me into their bedroom. They say, “Anthony, we want to get a divorce. You have to decide which one of us you want to live with.” I was a 10-year-old kid. I didn’t know any better. I just said, “Dad, Dad. I want to live with Dad.” It was heartbreaking. My mom just looked at the floor and said, “Well, whatever you want, Anthony.” And my dad just said, “I don’t want a divorce anymore.” [ Laughter ] That was tough. And maybe the most uncomfortable moment of my life was when my dad gave me the sex talk. Oh, God. The old man was into some really crazy shit. [ Laughter ] But then maybe the greatest moment of my life ever — I think this is, like, a universal things for guys — I’m 12 years old, I’m sneaking around my house, and I found my dad’s porn in the back of the attic. That was a great day. That was a game changer for me. But then the worst day of my life was the day I found my mom’s porn… …in the back of that video store. [ Laughter ] I told that joke recently on “Conan” — that’s right, “Conan”… [ Laughter ] …and immediately afterwards, my mom called me on the phone. And she said, “Anthony, what the fuck? [ Laughter ] Do you really have to make up a joke that makes me sound like I work in pornography and then say it on ‘Conan’? That’s my least favorite joke that you have.” And I just said, “Well, Mom, that’s only because you haven’t heard the other jokes I tell about you that they are not allowed to let me say on ‘Conan.'” -Per example… -[ Laughter ] My mom is crazy. People always like to joke, “Oh, my mom’s crazy.” My mom is ca-razy. Her entire house is filled with nothing but pictures of Princess Diana. And they’re all from right after the accident. [ Laughter ] And most of them she drew. Like, it’s really fucked up, you guys. [ Laughter ] My mom had one of those tiny, little dogs, those little Pomeranians. And she loved it more than any of her kids. To the point that when it finally died last year, she had it stuffed… with another Pomeranian. [ Laughter ] [ Sighs ] And my mom’s been having a hard time lately. She just found out she has to have both of her breasts removed… if she’s ever gonna be good at golf. [ Laughter ] Yeah. That cannot be easy to hear. So I went home to visit — I’m from Pittsburgh, originally — and just hang out with my mom for a little bit, you know? -[ Scattered applause ] -Yeah. Congrats. [ Laughter ] Wanted to go home and hang out with her for a little bit, you know, help her out, cheer her up. But all my mom cares about now is the lottery and me running errands for her. Like, every day. Every day, it’s, “Anthony, go play my numbers. Go play my numbers, please. I don’t want to miss out today.” Finally, after a week of this, I had to say to her, “Mom, are you out of your goddamn mind? Don’t you know you’ve got a better chance of getting struck by lightning than me doing you a favor?” [ Laughter ] Now, one thing I’ve learned in all my years of doing stand-up comedy is that people get really upset. Audiences get really upset if I ever try to tell a joke about suicide. So, because of that, here are four jokes about suicide. [ Laughter ] MAN: Ow! [ Chuckles ] That’s appropriate. [ Laughter ] I’ve got a long history of suicide in my family. The good news is, it skips a generation. So if I’m lucky, my kids will do it. [ Laughter ] I’ll never forget my sister Ashley tried to kill herself last year by throwing herself off a cliff, which is awful. I’m actually the one who found her and had to drive her to the cliff. [ Laughter ] Like I don’t have better shit to do. When I was a kid, my Uncle Tom killed himself. I remember that because the family actually tried to cover it up, make it look like he accidentally shot himself playing regular roulette. [ Laughter ] No one — No was fooled. Just didn’t work. But I think the worst for me was probably my cousin Ty, who killed himself a couple years ago. That was hard ’cause he was just, like, a little bit older than me. I would always go to him for advice. And he was great with it, too, whether I was asking about school or girls, just life in general, you know? He always said the same thing to me. He’d say, “Anthony, kill yourself.” [ Laughter ] I miss that guy. No, you guys have been a great crowd tonight. You’ve gone with me everywhere I’ve wanted you to go. But if you’ve just been sitting there this whole time, thinking, “Anthony, this is all well and good, but where are your offensive jokes? [ Laughter ] Where are your showstoppers, if you will?” Well, guys, I save those for the end. I’m gonna tell you all a series of jokes right now that are going to get increasingly more offensive. [ Cheers and applause ] I like that enthusiasm. Let’s see how far it carries. [ Laughter ] They say it’s easy — They say it’s easy to make fun of retarded people. But let me tell you guys something — It is not. You have really got to explain it to them. [ Laughter ] That was the first one. Every night, my girlfriend comes home from work, and she brings with her a houseplant. She’s like, “Anthony, I had to pick this up. We need a houseplant in our apartment.” And every night, I make her return it. I say, “No way, baby. You can’t take care of a houseplant. You couldn’t even keep your baby alive.” [ Laughter ] Right? Two for two, huh? [ Laughter and applause ] We just, uh — We just found out my little brother has a peanut allergy. A peanut allergy, which is very serious, I know. But, still, I feel like my parents are totally overreacting. They caught me eating a tiny little bag of airline peanuts, and they kicked me out of his funeral. [ Laughter ] I feel like some of you guys might be too nice to laugh at some of these jokes. And that’s okay. Not everybody has a great sense of humor. [ Laughter ] You guys would probably love my little nephew. He’s like 6 years old. So cute. I talk to him every day on the phone. He’s unbelievable. He’s got, like, the greatest imagination ever. He’s either gonna be an incredible artist someday or he really did get molested. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] I wasn’t even laughing about that one. I was thinking about what’s coming. [ Laughter ] I feel like I need to say, like, I really believe this, that being a mother seems like one of the toughest jobs in the world. Like, literally, right below comedian. [ Laughter ] So, to me, if a mother does her best, then, in my book, she’s a good mom, all right? Now, my mom did her very best. Unfortunately, she was also a terrible person. Like, my mom, for most of her life — and this is true — my mom, for most of her life, was a Holocaust denier. Does everybody know what that means? [ Laughter ] It means she couldn’t believe the Holocaust happened. It’s, like, the worst thing you can be. And it was terrible for the entire family to have to deal with until, finally, a couple years ago, we had an intervention. And we had a rabbi come into the home, had him walk her through the history of the Jewish people, and then he made her watch “Schindler’s List.” And after that, my mom did a complete 180. Now she can’t believe it only happened once. [ Laughter ] I’m glad you guys enjoyed that one. [ Laughter ] Because my mom was also really racist, too. Like, when I was a kid, my mom thought it was smart parenting, she thought it was a good idea to try to convince me that Santa Claus was black. Because then that way, when I eventually found out he didn’t exist, it wouldn’t be that big a letdown. [ Laughter ] Three more. [ Laughter ] I’m not a religious person. I would call myself an atheist. I don’t have a good story behind it. I’m just reasonable. [ Laughter ] But my girlfriend [Chuckles] My girlfriend has got, like, the greatest story behind why she’s not religious anymore. She said, when she was a kid, like 12 years old, her parents nailed a 25-pound crucifix to the wall right above her bed. And about two weeks later, in the middle of the night, the crucifix falls off the wall and leaves a two-inch gash in the back of her dad’s head. [ Laughter ] Yeah. Like, whether you laughed or not, you got to admit, that’s a fucking great story. [ Laughter ] Now, one thing that drives me crazy with my girlfriend now is that she’s got, like, a million shoes. Like, a million shoes. And she doesn’t even like to wear them. I swear she just likes stealing from the Holocaust Museum. [ Laughter ] Now, that joke, you’re either laughing or you’ve simply never been to the Holocaust Museum. [ Laughter ] You got to believe me. It’s like a Nike factory in there. [ Laughter ] But if you haven’t been, you should go. It’s important. [ Laughter ] Now, people who fly a lot the way that I do, people who fly all the time, they all say the same thing to me. They say, “Anthony, there’s nothing worse than a baby on an airplane. Nothing worse than a baby on an airplane.” But I disagree. I can give you guys four examples of when having a baby on an airplane was awesome. Although they were all on 9/11. [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] Now, this is the ideal time to tell you guys that I love to meet fans after the show. I like when people come up and say, “Anthony, you’re a genius. Anthony, best show I’ve ever seen.” And that’s it. I don’t ever want to hear anything else. If you’ve got a bone to pick with me over something I’ve said tonight, instead, you should just shut the fuck up. [ Laughter ] Because, seriously, I know more about comedy than you do, and you came to see me. [ Man shouts indistinctly ] Like I said, shut the fuck up. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] But, still, even after I’ve just said all that, you still feel like you need to come up and bitch, well, then, I will be as polite as I can possibly be. However, it is ill-advised. Because you will end up as a joke in my act… [ Laughter ] …much like the blind guy who came up and complained to me in Seattle after a show. He walked up and said, “Anthony, Anthony. [ Laughter ] Why didn’t you tell any blind jokes tonight? I came here to hear blind jokes tonight.” And I said, “Well, here’s a blind joke.” [ Laughter ] Another good one for me was the lesbian in Portland who ran up after a show. And I know she was a lesbian because she ran up and yelled out, “Anthony, I’m a lesbian! And I thought you were really funny tonight, but you’re just lucky you didn’t make any lesbian jokes up there. ‘Cause I would have gotten really mad if you had made fun of any lesbians tonight.” And I wanted to say to her, “Hey, do you realize that that makes you a terrible person and that you have no sense of humor? Plus, you’re an idiot if you felt okay laughing at all the other messed-up things I joked about but you’d have gotten really upset if I’d made fun of you or something you care about.” And I was gonna say all that, but then I remembered, “Anthony, she’s a lesbian. She knows.” [ Laughter ] My second-favorite post-show interaction of all time had to be — I was in Boston a couple years ago, and a very drunk girl — they’re always very drunk — ran up to me. And she screams out, “You should never make fun of the Holocaust!” And I said, “Why?” You know, just to be a dick. [ Laughter ] And she says, “Because I lost family in the Holocaust.” And I said, “Well, you don’t look Jewish.” And she said, “Listen, asshole. There are certain lines you’re not supposed to cross, certain boundaries you’re never supposed to push.” And I said, “Hey, hey, hey. I just gave you a compliment.” [ Laughter ] But my favorite — the best, most unbeatable, never-gonna-happen-again post-show interaction of all time had to be just — just about a year ago. I was performing in Orlando, Florida, home of Casey Anthony. And this is right after the trial, like immediately after the trial. And I said, “Listen, everybody, I don’t understand what the big deal is here. Of course Casey Anthony is innocent. If she’s guilty of anything, it’s killing her baby.” [ Laughter ] Now, after the show, I’m taking pictures, signing tits — You know how it is. [ Laughter ] And a guy walks up to me, totally sober, looking very upset. And he says, “You need to do me a favor,” which is a terrible way to start. He says, “You need to never tell another Casey Anthony joke ever again.” And I said, “Why?” You know, just to be a dick. [ Laughter ] And he says — I’ll never forget this. He says, “Because her daughter, Caylee Anthony, is my niece.” And I said, “Bullshit.” At which point he takes out his phone, sadly hits a couple buttons, and he shows me a picture of him holding little Caylee Anthony, in happier times, of course. [ Laughter ] And he says, “See? See, you son of a bitch?” And I said, “No, man, I believe you. I just mean she was your niece.” Thank you very much, everybody. Have a great night. Thank you so much. -Thank you. -[ Cheers and applause ] WOMAN: Hey, everybody, I am your Anthony Jeselnik fluffer, as it were. Just gonna do a few minutes before we bring him up. I had $10,000. No, I would be happy. [ Laughs ] And then I go to London, my first day there… [ Laughter ] You walk into the house. You have a jacket, hat, and bag. Yeah, but, yeah. But very good-looking. And that is a great combination, right? And then make this very non-guilty face. [ Laughter ] It’s like, I’ve never seen… Amazing. You guys have been awesome. Enjoy Anthony Jeselnik. It’s gonna be an amazing night. Thank you! [ Cheers and applause ] [ Applause ] MAN: All right, you guys, put your hands together. Please welcome Anthony Jeselnik! [ Cheers and applause ]


Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Read More

Access Our Archive
of Stand-Up Transcripts

Weekly Magazine

Get the best articles once a week directly to your inbox!